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Chapter 1
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and...
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Chapter 1
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2003 "Jake"
“Welcome to Van Rensselaer University ofNew York.”
My stomach dropped as I read the sign. Suddenly, everything felt more real.You're a long way from home, Jake , I thought to myself,about three hundred and fifty miles to be exact. Home was the Eastern Shore of Maryland, or at least it had been for sixteen of my last seventeen years. My new home was here at VRU inAlbany,New York. A fresh start far away from my past had seemed like such a good idea last fall when Mom and I had visited the campus. Of course it had seemed like a good idea then! I'd been on drugs at the time. What was I thinking?
I forced my rising panic down and tried to look at least somewhat excited to be here. I had to put my happy face on for Mom. Not that it mattered. She was psychic, so she'd know how I really felt no matter what. That would be the downside of having a `Gifted' parent. I glanced over at her, and she met my gaze for a moment before turning back to watch the road.
“It's perfectly natural to be nervous,” she said.
“I'm not nervous,” I protested. “It's just weird knowing I'm so far away from home and everyone I know.”
“It was your choice,” she reminded me.
“I know.”
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“You'll make friends.”
“I know.”
“And if you don't like it, you can always transfer to somewhere closer.”
“I know, Mom. We had this conversation before we left.”
She winked at me with a grin. “Where do we go first?”
“Um, the dorms?”
“Why don't you check the letter they sent you?” Why do moms always have to be so sensible?
Feeling like a complete dunce, I dug out the slightly crumpled letter I'd received in the mail a few weeks ago and scanned it quickly.“Yeah. It says that we're supposed to go to my dorm building and see the RA there. They'll show me to my room.”
“And orientation starts tomorrow?”
“That's what it says.At ten.”
“What's your dorm building?”
I glanced down at the paper, checking again even though I already knew the answer.“Mohawk.” All the dorms were named after local Indian tribes.
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While Mom navigated through the campus following signs, I began to fret about meeting my roommate. I'd never shared a room with anyone before and I wasn't looking forward to it. The letter the university had sent me also included the name and phone number for my roommate, Foster Williamson. I'd called him, and we'd talked for a total of five minutes, long enough for me to realize we were hopelessly mismatched. He's a lacrosse jock. The only sport I enjoy is surfing. He spent four of the five minutes we talked telling me about his girlfriend and her apparently generous breasts. I'm gay and single. He's rich. My mom is really going out on a limb to send me to college. He liked to party. Well...we were bound to have something in common sooner or later. The difference is, and this is an important distinction, I'm a recovering addict. That means parties are not the best option for me right now.
I wasn't planning on outing myself to him right away. It was hard to judge how homophobic he may or may not be from our brief conversation, but I figured it was safer to get to know him a bit first. I thought it was pretty safe to say he was straight as an arrow judging by the way he went on and on about his girlfriend and how she was as horny as he was. I shuddered at the thought. I don't care what straight people do when they're alone, I just don't want to think about it. I still couldn't believe he'd actually told me he hoped I didn't mind if she stayed over at our room often since she was going to VRU as well. I hadn't told Mom any of this. When she'd asked how our chat went, I'd just given her a noncommittal “okay”.
We pulled into a parking spot near the dorm and climbed out of the car. I stretched my legs with a groan, grateful to be out of the cramped vehicle. We'd been driving for over six hours and we'd only stopped once.
“I guess we should wait to get your stuff until we see where your room is,” Mom said, looking up at the large stone and brick building that was my new home. I had to admit it was an impressive looking campus. Most of the buildings were at least partially built from stone, something we didn't see much where I came from. Neat brick pathways connected all the buildings and everything was landscaped beautifully.
We set off for the main door, Mom with a purposeful stride and me trudging along despondently behind her. The small lobby area just inside the door was furnished with a slightly beat-up desk directly inside and an institutional style chair and couch in a small conversational area off to one side. A television was mounted in the corner, but it was turned off right now. Behind the desk sat a tall, rail-thin girl with shockingly red hair and afaceful of freckles. She was talking to a much shorter, slightly plump blonde girl about having her mattress replaced -- apparently the blonde girl thought hers looked a little unhealthy -so we stood by patiently until they were finished. When the blonde girl was satisfied that cleaner bedding was on its way, the red-head turned her attention to us.
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“Hi, I'mErin. I'm the RA. Are you a freshman?”
I thought that was a silly question considering only the freshmen were moving in this week. This was a special week of orientation designed to help us settle in and make new friends. Once again, I'd thought it sounded like a good idea at the time. Instead of saying any of that however, I just nodded my head.
“What's your name?”
“Jake Sheridan. Er, Jacob Sheridan.”
“Hi Jake,” she said brightly, flashing me a glimpse of her pearly whites. She scanned down a clipboard on the desk in front of her,then rummaged through a stack of envelopes, selecting one from the pile. “You're on the third floor. Follow me and I'll show you your room.” She stood up to reveal that she was even taller than I'd first thought. I was only an inch away from six foot and she towered over me.
“The elevators are this way,” she said with a barely concealed smile. Mom and I followed her onto the elevator. “Oh, and no, I don't play basketball and yes, my hair is naturally this color,” she said, finally breaking into a grin as the doors closed.
I couldn't help laughing. “I wasn't going to ask.”
“Yeah, but I could read it in your eyes,” she said teasingly. “I wish I had a dollar for every time I've been asked one or both of those questions. So where are you from?”
“Maryland.”
Her eyebrows shot up. Even they were red. “You're a long way from home.”
“Yeah, I know.”Don't remind me.
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She smiled sympathetically. “I think you'll like it here.” The doors opened and we exited into a long hall way. She walked to the left, went down about four doors, and stopped in front of a door adorned with two paper stars bearing the names Jacob and Foster. She tapped the star with my name, “You can cross that out and write Jake under it if you want.” She pulled a key from the envelope, unlocked the door and pushed it open. “Thereya go. Here's your key.” She dropped the key into my palm and stepped back. “Your roommate isn't here yet so you get choice of beds. If you need anything else, I'll be at the desk downstairs”
“Thanks,” I called to her retreating back.
“She seemed nice,” Mom said, stepping into the room.
I followed her in and looked around with slight horror. It looked more like a prison cell than a bedroom: cold white walls, small window, two bare twin beds, two dressers and two crappy looking desks. It was definitely less than welcoming. I kicked the bed and frowned.
“What were you expecting?” Mom said dryly.“The Ritz?”
“Let's just bring my stuff in,” I grumbled and started back out the door.
We rode the elevator back down in silence. “Are the accommodations to your liking, sir?”Erincalled with a cheeky grin as we stepped out into the lobby.
“I think I'd like a refund,” I told and her she laughed, a loud braying sound not unlike a donkey. Sure, she could laugh. She probably had a room to herself, being an RA.
It took several trips to load all the stuff I'd brought into the room. Besides my clothes, which took several suitcases -- Hey, I'm a gay boy. What do you want? -- I also had a TV, my computer, and my entire CD collection. Mom insisted on helping me make the bed before she left, but once that was done, the inevitable teary goodbye couldn't be avoided any longer. To her credit, she didn't make too big a production out of it. After she left, I indulged in a few tears of my own as I put my clothes away. I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn't help feeling a little abandoned. I had plenty of experience feeling alone so you'd think I would be used to it, but some things you just never get used to.
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Thankfully, I'd stopped sniveling by the time my door flew open with a bang, scaring thebejeezus out of me. I spun around to find a huge Neanderthal standing in the doorway holding a mini-refrigerator.
“Where should I put this?” he grunted.
I pointed wordlessly to what I had decided would be Foster's side of the room. The Neanderthal carried the fridge across the room and deposited it carefully next to the desk. I was still staring at him with open-mouthed wonder and hoping fervently that this wasn't Foster when we were joined by another arrival. This guy was slightly smaller than the appliance deliveryman, but looked like he was at about the same stage of evolution. His head was rather blockish and his face looked a little smashed in, as if he'd run into a brick wall and the brick wall had won. He was broad shouldered and stocky with a defined chest outlined by his tight t-shirt. His cut off sweatpants revealed muscular legs with a light dusting of dark hair. He dropped the cardboard box he was carrying onto the empty bed and ran a hand through his curly brown hair. He turned to face me and looked me up and down as if examining a biology project.
“Are you Jake?” he asked.
“Yeah.Foster?” I hoped my voice didn't reveal how nervous I was.
“That's me,” he confirmed. “That's Slug,” he added, hooking a thumb in the direction of the Neanderthal. He grinned at me and a chill ran down my spine. I decided that I would continue to think of him as the Neanderthal and I would never speak the name “Slug” aloud. “We gotta go get the rest of my shit. Come on, Slug.”
Foster left, the Neanderthal trailing behind him like a trainedSasquatch . “That could have gone worse,” I mumbled under my breath. I decided to vacate the room before they returned. It had gone better than I had feared and there was no point pressing my luck. I thought about taking the elevator, but decided to take the stairs instead. There were probably other people moving in and they needed the elevator more than I did. I took the stairs two at a time, jumping the last few and landing with a satisfying thud at the bottom.
I wanted to askErinwhere a good coffee shop could be found, but she was busy welcoming an androgynous Asian student and I didn't want to interrupt. I gave her a little wave as I passed on my way out the door. I wandered around campus for a while, trying to remember where things were from my whirlwind tour last year. I managed to find the building that housed student dining -- more by accident
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than design -- and once inside, just followed the smell of food to the actual cafeteria. I asked the guy at the door if there was a café or something on campus and he gave me directions to the campus bookstore. “It's in the same building,” he told me.
After getting only slightly lost trying to follow his directions, I found the bookstore and the café, which had been given the sickly-sweet name CoolBeanz . Note the “z”, as if spelling it like that would lend it some sort of street cred. I almost turned around and walked away, but my caffeine withdrawal drew me in. I'd given up a lot of addictions but a guy needs at least one vice.
“Give me the strongest thing you've got,” I said, feeling like a gunslinger entering a saloon in a cheesy old Western. The girl behind the counter flashed me a grin and turned to the espresso machine. I waited impatiently, shifting from one foot to the other, while she filled my order. I paid for my drink and walked to a table inhaling the heavenly scent. I sat down and just cradled the elixir of the gods between my palms, content for the moment just to breathe in the intoxicating aroma.
“A fellow java aficionado, I see,” a voice said from the next table. I glanced up to find a very pretty dark-haired girl smiling at me over the top of her cup of coffee.
I smiled back. “More like a caffeine junkie,” I said.
She laughed. “You got me there too. I was about to warn you about the brew here, but if all you're interested in is the caffeine buzz you should be fine.”
“Warn me?”
“They're not known for their high quality beans here.”
I took a cautious sip and couldn't keep my face from contorting in distaste. The bitter flavor sat on my tongue and mocked me. “Wow. You weren't kidding.” I eyed her cup. “Why do you come here if you know they're so bad?”
She lifted her cup as if to toast me.“Hot chocolate. They can pull that one off pretty well.”
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“Where do you have to go to get a decent cup of coffee around here?”
“The Morning Rush isthe place to go around here. It's over onCentral Avenue.”
“I, uh, don't know where that is. I'm new here.”
“Maybe I can show you sometime,” she said with a little smile, tucking a curly tendril of hair behind her ear and leaning towards me. “Where are you from?”
I knew she was flirting, but I was having fun so I decided to play along. What harm could it do? “I'm fromMaryland, and I'd love it if you could show me this place sometime. The sooner the better -- I don't know how long I can survive on this swill.”
“Maryland, huh?A southern boy, then.That explains the accent.”
“I don't have an accent!”
“Sure you do. My name's Rebecca, by the way,Becca for short.”
“Jake-Jacob for long.”
She crinkled her nose at me. “Cute.”
“What?Me or my name?” I was flirting outrageously, but it was fun.
“Both.”
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“Well,thankee , ma'am,” I said, using an exaggerated drawl.
She glanced at her watch. “I'm meeting friends for a movie in a few minutes,” she said as she dug into her purse, pulling out a pen and a small notepad. “But here's my number.” She scribbled on the pad and ripped off the page, handing it to me along with the pad and pen. “And why don't you give me yours?”
“I don't know my phone number yet,” I told her.
“Just put your room number. I can find it out from that.”
I obliged and handed the pad and pen back to her.
“Thanks, I'll be in touch. We'll do coffee.” She swept out of the café, leaving me with her number.I just got a girl's phone number , I thought with amusement.Maybe there really is a first time for everything! I glanced down at the cooling cup of brown sludge in my hand and my stomach immediately began launching a revolt. “Don't worry,” I told it. “I won't force that on you.” I stood up and dumped the cup into the trash can on my way out.
I returned to my room to find that Foster and the Neanderthal had finished moving his belongings in, but the dynamic duo was not currently in residence. I can't say I was too disappointed. Just out of curiosity, I opened the fridge and found it packed with alcohol. Beer, vodka, rum...they practically had a fully stocked bar in there. I briefly wondered how on earth they had managed to buy it all since I knew Foster was underage, but then I remembered Slug and realized that no one would ever have the nerve to card him. For the scantest second, the alcohol seemed to call to me. It had been almost a year since I'd had any alcohol or drugs. I quickly put a cap on my temptation and shut the door.Walk away.
I went to my desk and pulled my CD player out from the desk drawer I'd placed it in earlier. I flipped quickly through my CD case until I found the one I was looking for and popped it in. I settled on the bed and slipped my headphones on and pressed play. The soothing sounds of a piano flowed over me, soon followed by the amazing voice of Norah Jones. No one who knew me would ever suspect I was a closet Norah fan, but there was just something about her music that could always calm me. And I needed calming at the moment. I could still see the bottles of booze wedged into the fridge.Don't think about it! I managed to distract myself long enough to drift off to sleep, still fully clothed and on top of my blankets.
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Then next thing I knew, I was waking up the next morning, feeling utterly grungy and badly in need of a shower. I must have been more worn out from my stressful day than I'd suspected, because I didn't even wake up when Foster came back to the room. The proof that he had returned was evidenced by the lightly snoring lump under the blankets of his bed. I glanced over at the clock and sat up with a jolt.
“Shit!” It was already nine-thirty and I was supposed to be at orientation in half an hour. I leaped out of bed and blindly grabbed some clothes from my drawers before running off to the shower. I started to wake Foster up, but decided he was a big boy and could worry about making it to orientation on his own. I felt a little more human when I got out of the shower. I pulled on my jeans and finger-combed my wet hair. That would have to do for now. I ran a hand over my cheeks. I needed a shave, but I didn't have time. I'd have to go for the scruffy look today. I yanked my T-shirt over my head and took off.
I was half-way across campus before I remembered I had no idea where I was going. I came to a sudden halt and looked around me. I noticed I was close to theAdministrationBuilding. If anyone would know where I was supposed to be, they would. I ran up the stone steps and pulled open the large wooden doors. The lobby inside was cool and austere, rather like a mausoleum -- not the warmest place I'd ever been. I went to the table they had set up for new students and asked for directions. The lady there told me how to find the lecture hall we were meeting in and I was once again on my way.
I burst out of the door, almost knocking some kid over. “Sorry,” I said distractedly, giving him a quick smile. He didn't even look old enough to be a student here.
I rushed on to the auditorium and found that I'd arrived just in time. It looked like the whole freshman class had shown up and they hadn't quite chosen a large enough room. I took a look around while I waited for the show to begin. If I'd thought the Admin building was a tad ascetic, this room was downright tacky. I don't think it had been redecorated since the `70's. A strange avocado green tile covered the floor and shiny, gold drapes hung at the windows. I took one of the few remaining seats and shifted in a vain attempt to get comfortable. Obviously, whoever had designed these seats had not had comfort in mind.
I was just about to abandon the seat for one of the poorshmoes standing in the back -- let them be uncomfortable -- when a balding man in a dark gray suit and maroon tie walked to the front of the room and cleared his throat. He looked like a career bureaucrat -- pasty complexion, a bit paunchy, and more than a bit nervous, as if he wasn't used to addressing a large crowd. He began to drone on about the campus and what was expected of us as the newest additions to the VRU family. I stifled a yawn while scratching my chin and wishing I'd had time to shave that morning. Stubble is so itchy. Now he'd started in about maintaining a good working relationship with the surrounding community. Translation: don't party too loudly and bother the neighbors.
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I'd pretty much completely spaced out when several people near me raised their hands. I almost raised mine too, but realized just in time that we were indicating our majors. I hadn't declared mine yet since I still had no clue what I wanted to do. I was taking general studies until I could make up my mind. Hopefully, that would be sometime before my senior year. I raised my hand at the appropriate time, then promptly zoned out again.
Finally, we were dismissed and I joined the throng of kids moving towards the room's only exit.What a waste of a perfectly good hour , I thought to myself. I went back to my room only to find Foster and the Neanderthal already there. Apparently, they hadn't even gone to orientation. They were huddled around Foster's computer drooling over some website that featured scantily clad women with surgically enhanced assets. They each had a can of beer in hand and it wasn't evennoonyet. I had a feeling it was going to be a long semester.
“Hey, Jake,” Foster greeted me. At least he was friendly.
“Hi Foster,” I responded.
“Want one?” he offered, raising his can of Natural Light in my direction.
“No, thanks,” I said as politely as I could manage. I'd get into the fact that I was in recovery at a later date.
“Yougonna hang out for a while?”
“Uh, no, I, uh, have to go get my textbooks,” I said with a sudden burst of genius.
“Oh yeah, I need to do that too sometime,” he said, turning back to the computer screen. I'd been dismissed. I got the impression that he'd already forgotten I was even there. I found my list of required books and left the room. I wondered if I'd ever be able to just relax in my room without the dubious honor of their company. I suspected their combined IQ would be roughly equal to that of your average sea cucumber.
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I found my way back to the building that housed the bookstore and CoolBeanz . The bookstore was surprisingly large. Besides books, they also sold just about everything you could possibly imagine emblazed with the school logo and mascot, the Van Rensselaer Red Roosters. When I first heard what the mascot was here, I thought it was pretty lame. After seeing the T-shirts they didn't advertise on the website, however, I'd changed my mind. The general shirt featured a large cartoon of the red rooster with the caption, “How big isyour ...?” The first time I saw one, it only took me a few seconds to get the joke, but maybe I just have a dirty mind. They had shirts for all the sports. For crew, there's a cartoon of the rooster rowing and the caption reads, “Stroke...” For swimming, it's a dripping rooster and “Wet...” My favorite, however, was for the equestrian team. Yep. A rooster on horseback... “Riding...” I wanted to buy one even though I've never been on a horse.
I tore myself away from the shirts and found the textbook section, but quickly realized I should have preordered my books. It seemed like everything I needed was already sold out. Or maybe I just didn't know what the hell I was doing. I couldn't believe every single book was gone. I looked around but the only people who seemed to be working were behind the counter and they were busy with other customers. The place was crowded with freshmen, most of them with their parents who must have stayed until after orientation. I decided to come back later in the afternoon when, hopefully, it wouldn't be quite as hectic.
I wandered aimlessly around campus for a little while, familiarizing myself with the layout until my growling stomach reminded me that it was lunch time. I hadn't eaten breakfast, and come to think of it, I'd skipped dinner the night before too. No wonder I was so hungry. I went to the cafeteria and the guy at the door swiped my meal card. I grabbed a tray and wandered around checking out the various offerings. The food didn't look too bad, but I ended up with a couple slices of cheese pizza and a cup of coffee. I sat at a table by myself and took a wary sip of the coffee. Thankfully, it was more palatable than the crap from CoolBeanz , but still nothing special. At least it was drinkable. A few minutes later, I was surprised when someone sat down next to me. I looked up to findBecca .
“Hi Jake,” she said brightly.
“HiBecca .”
“Do you mind if I join you for lunch?”
“Not at all.”I glanced down at her lunch, which consisted of a small cup of fruit salad and a bottle of spring water. “You call that lunch?”
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She giggled and motioned to a tall, model thin blonde with prominent cheekbones and an outfit straight from the pages of a fashion magazine. “That's my friend Adrienne. You don't mind if she sits with us, do you?”
What could I do except nod? I watched in fascination as the blonde made her way across the room towards us. I was afraid she'd throw a hip out before she got to the table she swung her hips so much. She looked like she was strutting down a runway. As she sat down across from me,Becca made introductions. We shook hands and I noticed that Adrienne's lunch was a tiny plate of lettuce with a small mound of cottage cheese in the center. How had I ended up at the anorexic table?
We made small talk while everyone ate, or while I ate and they poked at their fruit and lettuce and pretended to eat. I learned thatBecca and Adrienne were both fromSchenectadyand majoring in elementary education. For the life of me, I couldn't picture Adrienne in a classroom full of five year olds.
After we'd finished with our lunches, Adrienne andBecca announced that they were off to get manicures. “Why don't I call you later and maybe I can show you how to find The Morning Rush?”Becca suggested before they left. I agreed and watched the two of them swish their way towards the door.
“I need to make some guy friends and soon,” I muttered to myself, “preferably gay.” The university had a gay/straight alliance that met on campus, but meetings wouldn't start for another few weeks. DespiteBecca's overtures, I was feeling very lonely. I had no illusions about her interest in me. She thought I was hot and she wanted a trophy boyfriend. Once I came out to her, she seemed like the type that would drop me so fast you'd think I was a dogturd .
With a sigh, I gathered up the girls' trash, which they'd considerately left sitting on the table, and threw it away with mine. Now, how to spend the rest of my day? I decided to go check out some of the planned activities Baldy had talked about this morning.
I managed to waste a few more hours playing mindless games before I figured I couldn't take it any more. I hadn't met anyone I wanted to become friends with and I was getting sweaty. I'm of the opinion that there's only one time when it's okay to be sweaty, and this wasn't it. I decided to head back to my room and risk another encounter with Foster and his sidekick.
I opened the door hesitantly, but was immediately relieved to find it vacant. Two empty beer cans sat on Foster's desk, a testament to their former occupancy. I turned my computer on and signed on to Instant Messenger. My friends names appeared in my buddy list and a pang of homesickness washed
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over me in a wave of longing. I chatted with my friends from home, telling them all about VRU and trying to make it sound like things were going better than they were. I talked for a couple hours before everyone left to go eat. I decided it was a good time for me to do the same, so I returned the cafeteria. I ate alone this time and wasn't all that bothered by the fact. When I got back to the room this time, Foster was there -- alone for a change.
“Hey Jake,” he welcomed me. “Want a beer? I was just getting ready to get one.”
“No thanks.”
“Want something harder? I've got Smirnoff, Bacardi,Jim Bean...”
“No, I'm fine,” I said quickly, cutting him off. “Actually, I don't drink.”
He blinked stupidly at me, as if I'd just told him I was an alien from Uranus. “You don't drink?” he repeated.
“Nope.”
“At all?”
“Nothing.”
“Are you, like, religious or something?”
I laughed.“No, nothing like that.”
“So you don't mind if I drink?”
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“As long as you don't get us in trouble for having it in the room, I guess I don't care.”
“But why don't you drink?”
There was going to be no avoiding this one. Foster was as tenacious as a pit bull. “I'm a recovering addict,” I told him bluntly.
He blinked at me again. “But you're just a kid.”
“There's an age limit on alcoholism?” I asked, making an effort to keep my tone light. It wasn't his fault he's a moron.
“I guess not.” He pondered that for a minute,then said, “Wow, I guess that's pretty cool that you stopped then. Are you sure it won't bother you to have it in here?”
Maybe he wasn't so bad after all. I smiled at him and tried not to remember the way the alcohol had called to me the night before. “No, it doesn't bother me, but thanks for asking.”
I grabbed a novel off my desk and settled onto the bed. It was one I'd read before, a FayeKellerman mystery, but it was worth a second read and anything was better than conversing with Foster. I was just starting the fourth chapter when the phone rang, sending me about a foot into the air. Foster scooped up the receiver and grunted a greeting.
“It's for you,” he said, holding the phone in my direction.
I took it from him and said hello.
“Hey Jake,it'sBecca ,” she chirped. “You still up for coffee?”
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“I'm always up for coffee,” I told her, setting the book aside.
“Great! Meet me in front of the Admin building in like ten minutes.”
“Okay. See you in ten.” I hung up and jumped off the bed.
“You got a hot date?” Foster asked with a grin.
“Somethinglike that,” I said as I peeled off my shirt and pulled on a fresh one.
“She sounded hot on the phone,” he commented.
I decided that was best left alone. I pulled on my shoes, said bye, and jogged down the stairs to meet Becca . She was waiting for me when I got there. She kept up a constant stream of chatter as we walked, most of which I blocked out in the interest of my mental health. Luckily, The Morning Rush was only a few blocks off campus. It was a rather plain storefront from the outside, large plate-glass windows were set flush with the brick wall and a neon sign in the shape of a coffee mug on wheels hung above the door. Someone had made an effort to spruce it up a bit by adding awnings, but it was kind of like putting lipstick on a pig. A sign in one window declared this to be The Morning Rush. We pushed open the door and the rejuvenating scent of java hooked itself into my nostrils, reeling me in like the catch-of-the-day. I almost forgot aboutBecca as I made a beeline for the counter. A petite blonde who looked to be in her late thirties was taking orders. Her nametag read “Marla.”
“I'll have one of everything,” I gushed.
“That's my kind of customer,” someone yelled from a semi-open door behind the counter.
Marla grinned. “That would be Max, the manager. Is this your first time here?”
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“Yeah, I'm starting at VRU.”
“You should try the double cappuccino with whipped cream,” she suggested with a welcoming smile.
Before I could say a word,Becca sidled up to the counter and eyed Marla disdainfully, placing her hand possessively on my arm. “We'll have two espressos, but thanks for the recommendation,” she said condescendingly. I flinched away from her touch, but she just dug her fingers in tighter.
Marla's eyes narrowed, but she simply turned and prepared the drinks for us without comment. She handed us the cups andBecca led me to a corner table closest to the front window.
“You didn't have to be so rude to her,” I said, as we sat. “She was just being nice.”
“She obviously saw us come in together and she still threw herself at you.” she said. “She wasn't even subtle about it.”
Like you are, I thought. “She didn't throw herself at me. She made a recommendation. Besides, it's not like we're dating,” I said out loud.
“True,” she said with a little smirk. The word “yet” hung in the air as if she'd spoken it aloud. She batted her eyes and leaned forward, resting one elbow on the table and stretching her shirt tight across her breasts.Thatain'tgonna work on me, sister.
I took a sip from the cup in my hand and almost groaned in delight. She'd been right about this place, at least. The espresso was perfect. I closed my eyes and savored the flavor.
“You really take your coffee seriously,”Becca said, interrupting my moment. She sounded a little peeved, probably because the espresso had taken her place as the center of my attention. This chick was merrily tap-dancing on my last nerve.
I opened my eyes and gave her a level look. “I gave up drugs and alcohol. This is my last bad habit.
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Let me enjoy this one in peace, huh?”
She pouted a bit, but allowed me to finish my drink in relative silence. It was well after dark when we left the coffee shop. As we made our way back towards campus down the still busy street, I thought about how romantic this walk would be with the right person. Unfortunately,Becca was not the right person, and she chose that moment to remind me of that fact.
“This was a nice date,” she said suddenly. My first thought was:That was a date? It was followed quickly by:And if so, was she on the same date I was?
“It wasn't a date,” I said sharply.
She batted her eyes at me again and I considered clawing them out. “You mean you don't want to date me?” What fantasy world was this girl living in?
“No, I really don't,” I answered truthfully.
She spun around to face me and stopped walking.“Why not?” Great, now she sounded hurt.
“I don't think we'd be very compatible.” It's very hard to enunciate when you're speaking through clenched teeth.
“Why not?”
“I just don't.”
“But why not?”
“Because I'm gay!” I snapped.
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Her eyes darkened with anger. “Look, if you don't want to date me, just say so. You don't have to make up some stupid story about being gay.”
I almost laughed in her face. “I already said I didn't want to date you.”
“Arg!I...you...Arg!”She spun on her heel and stormed away. I stood watching her for a moment, before continuing on my way. One good thing had come out of this little excursion -- I now knew where to find good coffee.
“That was fast,” Foster said as I let myself back into our room. “Strike out?”
I considered that for a moment. “No, I found a really good coffee shop.”
He looked confused at that, but just shook his head and went back to his computer. I changed for bed and crawled under the covers where I read myself to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and lay staring at the ceiling, wishing classes had started already. That would at least give me something with which to fill my time. I sat up and looked over to where Foster was still asleep. The sheets had twisted around his body while he slept and he was exposed from the waist up.It could have been worse, I thought to myself.He's not really my type, but he's not that bad to look at either.
I climbed out of bed, picked out an outfit and took a leisurely shower. I actually had time to shave. It's not like I had to be anywhere. The campus was eerily quiet. It was still pretty empty without any of the upper classmen, and the freshmen were still in bed for the most part. My inner alarm clock never really allowed me to sleep in, so I was up long before most teenagers willingly chose to get up.
I was checking my email when my coffee craving kicked into high gear. I grabbed my wallet and headed towards The Morning Rush. It was actually around nine, so the real morning rush was pretty much over. In fact, as I pushed open the door, there was only one other person here, and he was working behind the counter. The guy looked up as I entered and promptly dropped his cup of coffee on the floor.
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“Excuse me,” he said and disappeared through the door behind the counter. He emerged a second later with a mop and began to clean up the spill. He looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't figure out why. He was kind of cute actually. He was short -- he looked to be around five foot five -- and slim. His dark hair was cut short and did this cute little flip thing in the front. He wore a tight fitting VRU shirt that showed off his toned upper body. I would have pegged him for high school student if not for the shirt.
Finally, he had the coffee cleaned up and he approached the counter. He was looking everywhere but at me. This was one high-strung kid. Maybe he'd been drinking too much of his own product. “So, uh, do I place my order with you?” I asked after a moment. His gray eyes snapped to my face and he blushed as I smiled. Hmm, unless mygaydar detector was malfunctioning I thought I might be picking up some signals here.
“Um, yeah,” he managed after a long pause.
“Someone recommended the double cappuccino with whipped cream last night. I'll take one of those.”
He gulped visibly and turned away. He grabbed a glass mug which he promptly dropped. Poor kid -- he was an absolute wreck. He fumbled with the cappuccino machine for a few seconds before he got it working. He capped it off with extra whipped cream and brought it back over to me, still avoiding my eyes. He was looking quite pale.
“Um, you ok?” I asked as he set the cup down and snatched his hands away like he thought I was going to grab him.
“Yeah, um, sure, everything's Jake,” he said. I blinked in surprise. Did he know my name somehow? He still wasn't looking at me so I figured it was just an expression.
“Cute.” I pulled a five from my pocket to pay him. He rang me up, sliding my change across the counter to avoid contact with my hand.
I took my drink and retreated to the same table I'd sat at the night before. I was not having good luck
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meeting new people so far. My roommate was a brainless hunk of jock-flesh,Becca had turned out to be a monster bitch, and the first gay guy I meet is scared to even look at me. Or maybe he wasn't even gay; maybe he's just super shy. Then again, if he was that shy, maybe a coffee shop wasn't the best choice in jobs.
I sat staring out the window while sipping my cappuccino -- it was as good as promised, if not better -- and feeling sorry for myself. The door burst open triggering a bell and interfering in my pity party. Two women bustled in, one was Marla from last night and the other a much larger women with dark hair.
“Kodywith a `K', you can go. We're back,” the larger woman called. So the kid was namedKody . Cute name.Cute kid. Just then, the large woman noticed me and flashed me a bright smile. The two women had reached the counter by now and were busily tying on aprons.Kody came out of the office looking like a timid wild animal that would run at the slightest provocation. “Kody, go on, get out of here!” the larger woman said.
“Sure you don't need anything else done?” he asked.
“I'm married and you aren't her type,” Marla quipped. The bigger woman swatted at her while they both cackled. They continued to talk, but in lowered voices now so I couldn't hear them. My thoughts slipped away again into the realm of self-pity. Watching Marla and her friend play around made me feel even more alone.
“Did it live up to the recommendation?” someone asked me, snapping me out of thoughts.
“Sorry?” I asked, looking up to findKody with a “K” standing in front of me looking as if he might bolt at any second.
“Yourcoffee, is it ok?” he asked, pointing to my glass mug.
“Oh, yeah.It's great.Much better than that place on campus. Bitter, bitter stuff over there,” I said with a shiver.
“Ok, good. Well, see you.” He began to edge towards the door.
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“Kody!” the large woman behind the counter called, and started giggling. The kid flushed bright red and turned around as if it pained him to do so. What the hell was going on? He slowly walked to a small table in the center of the room, snatched something off of it, turned his back to me for a second,then walked back to my table.
“Um, they are hiring here, if you're interested,” he mumbled handing me a sheet of paper.
“Excuse me?” I asked, not quite sure I was following. I glanced down at the paper and saw it was an application. Marla and the other woman were giggling behind the counter and I realized what was going on. They'd set the kid up to give me an application. He was probably dying right now. I looked up to find he'd flushed an even deeper shade of crimson, if that was possible. “A job, huh? Thanks.” The words had barely left my mouth before he was out the door.
I watched him go and thought about what a weird experience that had been.Another day, another cute kid running away from me. And he was awful cute, in a shy, awkward way. I looked back down at the application. I didn't want a job right now, I wanted to settle into my classes first, but it might not be a bad idea later. I would probably need some spending money. I folded up the application and slipped it into my pocket. I finished off the last of my coffee and stood up. I left a tip on the table next to my mug and walked out. Chapter 2
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2003 "Kody"
“It'll be good for you,” dad had said. “You'll be independent,” he had said. “It'll be such a great experience, all new things for you,” he had said.Well, so far -- not so different , I thought to myself as I wiped the countertop. I still worked in a freaking coffee shop -- not so different from the one dad owned for that matter.
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“Oh my God, I am so tired,” Max said as she came through the door. My manager was always tired whether it was first thing in the morning or the middle of her day off. “Did you make any hot chocolate?”
“Yes, Max,” I replied. I had been working here for a week and I still thought it kind of funny the manager didn't drink coffee.
“What time is orientation?” she asked as she moved behind the counter. Marla was waiting on a customer and Mike was cleaning up behind the counter. Atnine o'clockthe biggest part of the morning rush was over and drudgery would soon set in until shortly beforenoon-- just like home.
“Ten, but I'll leave about quarter of since I've never been there before,” I replied as I, too, headed behind the counter.
“That's fine. Did you make me a copy of your schedule? Thanks.” She turned from me to accept a cup of hot chocolate from Marla. They were a study in contrasts. Marla was petite with long blond hair streaked with darker shades, and Max was a large woman with long chestnut curls who smiled frequently, especially when Mike worked, though he appeared to be oblivious.
“Right here.” I pulled the folded paper from my back pocket.
“Good. You'd have been in so much trouble if you forgot.” She grinned and walked away to the small office in the back. Mike and I finished wiping down tables and refilling coffee pots while Marla waited on the straggler customers. Atnine forty, I hung up my little red apron, tucked my shirt in, and waved to the rest of the crew at the Morning Rush before heading off to orientation.
Van Rensselaer University ofNew YorkatAlbanywas my destination. I had been told thatNew York was humid in the summertime, but today had a nice breeze going and actually wasn't too bad. I strolled upCentral Avenue, past a couple of bars that were closed and a couple of shops just opening up. Traffic was heavy and city busses groanedby, the sidewalks were covered in people bustling to and fro.
VRU had been my dad's idea, and I thought it was great at first. I was away from home and away from him for the first time in five years, on my own in anew citywith all sorts of opportunities. Sounds good, doesn't it? Well, after we showed up andfound an apartment for me and got it all set up; it hadn't taken me long to break down and call him and my little brother, Charlie. I'd laughed at him when he
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bought the phone cards, but I guess he laughed last.
I got a job in short order, and the coffee shop fit me very well considering all the experience I had at home. I seemed to fit pretty well at the coffee shop too, despite not being out or anything. No one questioned me, and I guess that's not really the sort of thing to say to someone upon being introduced.
Dad graduated from VRU sometime in the Stone Age, and he thought it would be great for me to get my education where he did. I was beginning to think this was a really bad idea as I didn't know anyone and I didn't have anything to fall back on except for that little phone and the cards he gave me. I mean, if I am supposed to be independent I can't call home every fifteen minutes, can I?
I mounted the stone steps in front of the main VRU Administration building but just as I reached for the door, it opened. I stepped back as a fellow student rushed by me with a quick apology and a flash of a smile. Did I say a flash? Time seemed to slow for a second, allowing me a glimpse of dark blond locks framing a strong face with a clear, smooth brow. His lips were rosy and full and only the white upper teeth showed when he smiled. He had some slight stubble near his chin, hopefully not growing one of those stupid spikes of hair some baby-faced guys were so fond of these days. Other than that, his cheeks were smooth.
Then he disappeared around the corner. It took me a moment to realize that I was standing outside, holding the door open like the world's dumbest doorman. I tried to stroll in as if nothing had happened, but my heart was pounding and my palms were sweating just a bit. I proceeded, unsteadily, to the table set up for assisting with directions for new students and inquired about the location of the orientation.
After crossing campus to the lecture hall, I looked around in vain for a seat. I had no idea you would need to show up early to get a seat to a freshman orientation! I leaned up against a break in the humanity lining the wall and studied the room. It was an amphitheater style auditorium with a balding man in a charcoal suit and maroon tie speaking about random crap concerning the campus and surrounding community.
The room looked a little out of date. Shiny, mustard colored drapes hung over the tall windows, open to allow the summer light to drench the room and fall like a spot light on the hot guy in the next to last row.
Holy shit! It was the guy from the admin building! He was a freshman too! I suppose it would be too much to ask that he bea Journalism major as well? Maybe he'd need a private tutor? I needed a new hobby -- or a hobby. Every time I started to take in some aspect of the room, my gaze returned to him,
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sunlight hitting his straight hair at the crown of his head, forming a silly little halo that shimmered every time he shifted in his chair, from boredom no doubt. This speaker could put a group of insomniacs to sleep!
The guy shifted in his chair again, and tilted his head to scratch just under his chin. The motion revealed the tanned skin on his shoulders and neck as he dug just under the collar for whatever was irritating him -- outside of the speaker of course. From what I could see, there wasn't a blemish to be had.
“So, if I could have attendance here real quick, we are going to identify you all by major by a show of hands. Accounting?” the speaker broke into my thoughts as he began counting hands. I paid attention as he moved through the majors, raising my hand at Journalism and watching in amusement as people made a sudden berth around those that raised their hands in response to Mortuary Science.
My guy raised his hand as General Studies were announced, a toned arm with very smooth skin, nicely tanned. Ok, this was definitely unhealthy, as dad would say. If I let my imagination run from here we'd have me married with three kids, a mortgage,a second car and divorced before we leave the lecture hall.
We were all dismissed finally, and I left having absorbed only that this guy had great skin and that he was in General Studies. I sincerely hoped that baldy hadn't said anything important. I was swept outside by the rush of people, which was just as well since I'd probably just stand and stare at that guy while people poured around me, like water breaks on the pylons of a bridge.
Dad would laugh. I did this way too much.Well, not this time mister cutefella ! I am not falling for your charms! I marched resolutely to the bookstore to grab some extra notebooks and possibly a paperback for that evening, as a distraction. I crossed the impossibly bright campus, down the brick walkways to the student union where the bookstore and other shops were located. I was about to walk in when I heard the distinct sound of video games, for which I freely admit I need a twelve step.
The arcade was small. It just had a few out-of-date games, but I dropped some quarters in there, mindlessly succumbing to my addiction. I ran out of quarters a buck fifty later. I resisted the temptation to get more change, and headed back over to the bookstore. The store was smallish, with stacks of books in huge piles arranged by class number. I stepped in and came to a halt. Damn it! There he was! Browsing the books and holding a sheet of paper out in front of him as he compared numbers on his class schedule to the ones hanging from the stacks of books.
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I froze like a squirrel in the road, my body twitching between going in the store and turning and running. He glanced about him in frustration, apparently not finding the book he wanted. A couple of people brushed past me and I drifted on into the store, moving slowly over to the fiction stock they kept. I wanted so badly to go over and help him find his stuff, but that was way too close to being a stalker for comfort. Well, watching him, unobserved was relatively creepy as well, but justifiable.
After all, this guy looks like he's almost six foot and probably bangs cheerleaders two at a time while chugging a pitcher of beer. God knows anyone who looks like that can't be a virgin -- unlike yours truly. He looked around for help, but the girls behind the counter were busy ringing up purchases that mommies and daddies were putting on their charge cards. I hesitated, thinking how just a bit ago I was pumping myself up to not get caught up by this beautiful work of art -- and yet my feet were already moving. Ever get the feeling some parts of your body turn traitor at times?
I moved slowly across the floor, drawing ever closer to him as he appeared to be ready to give up his search. Then, quite suddenly, that's just what he did, exiting the shop in long strides that would have left me running to catch up to. I watched him go, as silent as I had been while watching from a distance. What was I supposed to say to catch his attention?“Hey, unbelievably cute guy! Need some help to find your books?”
I walked back to the fiction section, paperback in hand and searched for where it belonged on the shelf. My father's coffee shop also sold books, so I was a little bit of a stickler for books going where they belonged. He was so anal about that sort of thing. I settled on a car magazine and left the student union, bound for home.
It was only Thursday, so I had a few more days before class started on Monday. There would be no sleeping in. Max had made sure to tell me that I would be opening every day that I didn't have an early class. I idly wondered if my newest crush liked coffee. The sun stayed high in the sky for a few more hours as I lay on my small couch reading from my magazine.
Dad and I had gone shopping when I got here, but the furniture was all used. Dad says that's all part of the college experience, but I admit hitting garage sales and stuff was kind of fun. All my furniture was used, dented and scratched, with the exception of the bed. Dad said that no matter what anyone said, he got the creeps buying a used mattress, so he'd sprung for a new one. It was full size -- plenty big enough for me -- and simple in design. The mattress was heaven, though, with one of those little pillows laid across the entire top of the mattress. Yeah, baby! That's what I'm talking about!
I had a battered nineteen-inch TV which was on my list to upgrade when possible, but no cable or internet yet. For now, I had to go to the school to use the internet, but I hoped Dad might be planning to send me a computer for my birthday. At least, I hope he read my not so subtle hints for one.
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I rolled off the mattress and switched on the PS2, the one thing dad let me take. Charlie, my little brother, fought like a champ; but I hid it in my suitcase. It didn't take long for me to switch it off, though. Thoughts of this guy were still messing with me. I hate it when I get like this. These temporary obsessions never work out.
First there was TJ, who was gorgeous...and totally unavailable since he was so far up Ian's ass you could see his nose coming out from between Ian's lips. Then there was Joseph, who had so much baggage I am sureSamsonite was jealous. Andyfollowed, a little blond haired angel with the devil's own way of telling you he wasn't interested. The list goes on, but it only gets more depressing and I only dredge it up in order to remind myself that it's okay to look, would be wonderful to touch but…I just have bad luck in matters of the heart. My latest was probably down at the local slut hangout having sex with at least five partners in the first half hour.
Eight o'clockapproached, and I decided to go down to the shop and get something to drink -maybe a little snack as well. I pulled on my shoes and stepped into the hallway. The light must have burnt out `cause it was darker there than the inside of a elephant's asshole. I felt my way down the hall to the stairs and descended one by one until I made that awkward step at the bottom where you think there is one more step but there isn't.
The evening was cool -- great walking weather -- and I strolled up the sidewalk lit with streetlights. People walked and milled about on the sidewalk, outside clubs, bars, and a video store calledDeja View. I noticed a multi-colored gay pride flag in the window of the video store and decided I needed a membership there. I hummed to myself as I crossed the street and moved to the next block where the awning of the Morning Rush could be seen.
I stepped into the glow from the interior lights and froze. There he was, drinking coffee in my store...with a chick. Not only that, she was shamelessly flirting! Leaning on one elbow, making her shirt go taut against her breasts. He was leaning back in his chair with his legs spread, baggy jeans giving away nothing. She gave him a saucy grin, and I could practically hear her asking him to go back to her place and screw her one remaining brain cell out.
My appetite soured, I turned and began heading back to my apartment.I should have quit , I told myself.You know this shit never works out. But do you listen? No. Now you are disappointed again and now you're bummed. I hate that little voice. If it had a neck I'd strangle it.
***
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“If I have to deal with another customer, I'll scream,” Marla snarled as she looked at me. Her previous customer had complained the coffee was too hot, and when Marla cheerfully put an ice cube in it to make it more palatable, the customer bitched that she was watering down the coffee. Was he for real? I merely nodded at her and took her place at the register while she stepped out back to pollute her lungs. She only smoked name brand cigarettes, and I told her if she would smoke the cheaper stuff she could take the difference and save for an iron lung. She flipped me off before stepping out the back door.
I filled what seemed like an endless line of orders for coffee, bagels, and muffins. Someone didn't like the cream cheese and another one said his bagel had been heated too much. Jesus, talk about spoiled people! Max showed up about nine thirty and began working out next week's schedule.
“I have this application, but listen to this,” she said during a quiet moment. “This lady comes in to fill this out, and she says to me that she wants to be honest. She says she was arrested for assault, but only because the guy was more hurt than she was, but that she's all straightened out now as she is a Jehovah's Witness. She wants to know if that will affect her ability to get a job, and I had to look her in the face and say no, of course it won't!” She giggled, and I joined her.
“About as good as the champion spellers you get in here,” I said.
“Tell me about it! We work in a college neighborhood and these people can't spell the name of the last place they worked.”
“Max, are you going to hire Tricia?” Mike asked as he returned from wiping down tables.
“I don't work well with women,” she thought for a moment before adding, “Marla doesn't count.”
“Why not?”Mike asked with a little petulance.
“Because, if I hire that bimbo you won't do anything except try and get in her pants. I can't fire her for not sleeping with you, and I can't fire her cause you want me to just so I can hire someone else for you to sleep with!” she told him, all the while trying to sound stern but failing with her grin in place.
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“Allison was a one time thing, a total mistake,” he grumbled and Marla laughed at him.
Mike left about twenty minutes later, and Max took Marla a few doors down to the Chinese place for lunch. I swept up the place and took care of a few odds and ends before pulling a coffee, light and sweet, for myself. I sat on the chair in the manager's vestibule, the counter clearly visible to me.
I heard the bell go off as someone entered the store, and I stood to go to the counter. I intended to put my coffee on the side of the cash register. I say intended because it never made it. Blue eyes were approaching, clear but unfocused as they tried to adjust from the glare of the bright afternoon to the relative darkness of the store. I dropped my coffee cup ashe approached the counter. I cussed under my breath as I jumped back in an attempt to avoid the coffee that would fountain out of the top of the cup. That little plastic top is never quite enough to stand up to the tidal wave of coffee if you drop the cup.
“Excuse me,” I said quickly. I grabbed the mop from the small closet door that was just inside the manager's office. After mopping up my mess, I returned to the counter all flustered. Now I had to face my cheerleader-screwing champion. Of all the coffee places in the city for him to go to, he had to come here? Was this some kind of punishment?
“So, ah, do I place my order with you?” he asked with a small smile. Oh jeez, look at that, he has such cute dimples! His voice was nice too -- a little scratchy maybe, but nice. Why do I care? He's straight! Oh shit, he means me!
“Um, yeah,” I responded after what must have been a delay ofabout a millennia. He ordered a double cappuccino with whipped cream, telling me it had been recommended to him. I don't think I can bear to see him with a whipped cream moustache! I tried to move efficiently behind the counter, but I had turned into a klutz in mere seconds. First I dropped the cup, but thankfully it didn't break. Then I aimed three times --three freaking times -- for the button to dispense the highly caffeinated drink before finally hitting the mark.
Straight boys just shouldn't be allowed to be hot, it just wasn't fair. Even knowing that he had probably bopped that bimbo last night didn't change the enjoyment I took from his presence for a moment. I felt a momentary twinge of sadness at the reminder that he was straight, and felt a bit more lethargic than I had a moment ago.
I was afraid as I approached the machine that dispensed the whipped cream that it would explode
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when I got near it, coating me with whipped cream and completing my foolish appearance. I managed the cream with out incident and moved carefully back to the counter where he stood with a bemused expression on his face. I'll bet he thinks most people are idiots `cause they act like this around him.
“Um, you ok?” he asked.
“Yeah, um, sure, everything's Jake,” I said while I withdrew my hands from the cup before they could do any more damage.
“Cute,” he said as he handed me a five for which I made change.
He took his drink and sat at a corner table, sipping quietly while observing the street. He had a sad expression and, inexplicably, I suddenly felt sorry for him. I don't know why I cared, but I screwed up my courage and walked around the counter towards his table...then retreated behind the counter. Coffee first, I can act like I am taking a break. Be cool and nonchalant. I grabbed a cup and filled it with Columbian, add sugar and cream, of course, and headed towards his table again. He had a far away expression on his face, and I wasloathe to interrupt his silence.
So I chickened out. I went back behind the counter and tried to forget he was there. I hid in the manager's office praying the bell didn't ring because if I had to go out there and attempt to be graceful I just knew it would end in someone's death! Of course, the bell did ring and I looked out to see Max and Marla back from lunch.
“Kodywith a `K', you can go. We're back,” Max called out as she walked in the front door. She always said that after I corrected her for misspelling my nametag.
I didn't want to walk past him. I'd probably fall on my ass right in front of him. I could hang out and talk, but they'd know something was wrong. Not because I don't ever stay to chat, but because I knew I must look like a moron right about then. Matter of fact, I feel like that was tattooed on my forehead.
“Kody, go on! Get out of here!” Max said with a giggle as she walked behind the counter. Marla merely smiled as I reluctantly took off my apron.
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“Sure you don't need anything else done?” I asked.
“I'm married and you aren't her type,” Marla quipped. Max slapped her and they laughed while I looked at them both as if they were insane.
“I'll take a little piece of that guy out there though,” Max commented. They were talking about my guy! Well, Max had a better chance than I did anyway.
“We still need someone, Max. Tell him to fill out an application,” Marla said.
“That would be way too obvious,” Max scoffed. “Kody, go give him an application.”
“What?” I gaped at her.
“Give him an application. You know, for a job?” Max said slowly, as if I were an idiot.
“Why me?”I croaked. I should have just taken my chances and left when she said it the first time. Max just laughed and retreated into her office. I cautiously slipped out from behind the counter and walked towards this guy that fascinated me so. He was still looking off into some far away place with that air of sadness about him that suddenly made him less an object and more of a person. I sighed, sucker that I am, and walked over to him.
“Did it live up to the recommendation?” I asked.
“Sorry?” he asked as my words pulled him from that daze.
“Your coffee, is it ok?” I asked, pointing to his glass mug.
“Oh, yeah, it's great.Much better than that other place on campus. Bitter, bitter stuff over there,” he
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gave a small shiver for emphasis.
“Ok, good, well, see you,” I said as I moved to the door.
“Kody!”Max hissed then deteriorated into a giggle. I turned red and knew what she wanted. I slowly walked to the kiosk with applications, mouthed to her that she owed me, and walked back to his table.
“Um, they are hiring here, if you're interested,” I mumbled.
“Excuse me?” he said with a bemused expression. I felt my face flush and I heard Max and Marla laughing in the back as he suddenly understood.
“Job, huh? Thanks,” he said taking the blank form from me. I blushed even deeper and practically bolted out the door.
***
I climbed the stairs two at a time and entered my apartment, closing the door and leaning my back against it. Jesus, this was so not fair! The guy wasstraight, and I still acted like I was some star-struck little groupie. I should have gotten an autograph!
I pulled off my tee shirt with the college logo on it and threw it across the room in frustration. Sometimes I could just kick my ass! I headed into the kitchenette and started to look around for something easy to make, and then decided against it. I was full of nervous energy and it was entirely depressing. I decided that of my limited options in coping, I would do what I did best -- whine to dad.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Dad, it'sKody .”
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“Goose, how're things going?”
I sighed.
“Uh oh, what's his name?” Dad said in a knowing tone of voice.
“I don't even know,” I replied.
“Goose, that is just so wrong. Why do you do this to yourself?”
“I don't know!” I walked around the room restlessly with the phone, “He's just so cute, and I did just like you said, I told myselfno , I really did.”
“So what part of no didn't you make clear to yourself?”
“It's not that! I walked away, I really did! I went and played video games, and then went to the bookstore to get something to read.” I sat on my couch for emphasis.
“So what happened then?”
“There he was -- big as life and totally hot,” I said mournfully. My dad sighed.
“Kody, please tell me you did not knock over a stack of books into a plate glass window or something?”
“No!” I replied, mentally sticking my tongue out at him.
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“Well, what happened then?” he asked warily.
“I started to walk towards him and he just left. Just like that he was gone.” I replied.
“So why do I get the feeling there is more to the story?”
“Well, I saw him last night when I went down to go get a cup of coffee, and he was with a girl,” I sighed.
“You sure can pick `em,Kody . If he's a straight boy, don't think it'll be like some internet story where you turn him queer just for you, okay?” My father begged. Ever since I tried to get into the dating scene he had been there to bail out my broken heart.
“I just act like a total nerd around him. I drop stuff and I can't seem to focus.” I replied softly.
“Just take him off your list. He's like people on TV, pretty to look at and that's it. You can't live your life hoping that a straight boy is going to notice you, Goose.” His voice was soothing, a balm for my frazzled nerves.
“I know. I guess I just needed my talk since you aren't here to give it to me,” I sighed.
“It'll be ok, Goose, you'll find someone. Here's Charlie,” he said.
Chapter 3
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle
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© 2003 "Jake"
I had decided not to get involved in any more of the juvenile activities the university had planned, but as I was walking across campus on my way back to my room, I was set upon byErinand an absolute hunk. I barely spared a glance forErin, except to see that she was wearing a pair of skimpy jogging shorts and a matching tank top, and that her freckles covered every exposed inch of skin...and probably the skin that wasn't exposed. I didn't waste my imagination envisioning it. It was much too busy picturing the hunk with her without his clothes.
He was beautiful. About my height, maybe a little taller, which meant he was still dwarfed byErin. He was broad shouldered and muscular, but not in the beefy way like Foster. This guy was much more toned and slender, the broadness of his shoulders narrowing to a small waist and long, shapely legs. He had the face of a model, all chiseled angles, golden skin and warm dark eyes that made me want to melt on the spot. His hair was a masterpiece of carefully disarranged chestnut curls with gorgeous golden highlights that I would stake my reputation as a gay boy were not the product of a salon, but real live natural highlights resulting from hours spent playing soccer in the sun. I could just picture him now, running around with his shirt off, chest glistening with a fine sheen of sweat, patting the other players on their pert little butts...
I shook my head to clear it of the tantalizing images and realized thatErinhad been talking the whole time. I caught the last few words which was enough to figure out that she was inviting me to play some sort of game with them.
“...so we just need one more player from our building and we'll have a team,” she was saying with a highly amused expression on her so-homely-it's-cute face. “What do you say?”
I didn't really want to play any stupid games, but if it meant I got to spend more time with this walking god I'd do just about anything. “Yeah, uh, sure,” I agreed, still not knowing exactly was I was agreeing to.
“Great! It'll be fun. By the way, Jake, this is Carlos. Carlos, this is Jake. He's a resident in Mohawk.”
Carlos held out a hand which I managed to shake without moaning out loud.
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“Let's go! The scavenger hunt is about to begin,”Erinsaid as jogged away. At least now I knew what it was we were playing. Carlos followedErin, and I trotted along behind him, enjoying the view of his nicely shaped bottom moving under the silky material of his soccer shorts. I was so mesmerized by his bum I almost ran into him when he came to a stop. I looked up to see we had joined a group of four other kids. We all moved to form a circle.
“Okay guys, this is our team and we'regonna kick ass!”Erinenthused.“Quick introduction. We all live in the same building so we need to get to know each other and learn how to work as a team.” I was beginning to see the point in this little exercise. She went around the circle introducing everyone. There was Courtney, the chubby blonde from my first day here; Alex, a long-haired hemp hippie sporting a tie-dyed T-shirt and sparse facial hair; Miranda, a gorgeous black girl with a well-trimmed afro and an athletic body;Toshi , the androgynous Asian whose name still didn't help me identify a gender; me and the beautiful Carlos. I was impressed that she already knew all our names.
Erinquickly outlined the rules, finishing up just as a whistle blew signaling the start of the game. We spent the next hour running around the campus as if our very lives depended on the recovery of a napkin signed by the cafeteria lady with the huge mole on her cheek. It didn't take me long to realize that, besides forcing bonds between my fellow Mohawk residents, the game was designed to familiarize the freshies with the campus. Since I'd already taken it upon myself to do that on my own, the game was even more pointless than it already was, but I played along happily since it turned out Carlos was the touchy-feely type. I was a little disappointed to see that he was equally demonstrative with everyone, but it didn't really lessen the excitement I felt when it was me he grabbed in a victory hug as we found another object from the list.
Despite our best efforts, we came in second. Since there was no discernable prize, I wasn't all that disappointed. Unlike Carlos, who it seemed was the competitive type. He seemed absolutely crushed by our first loser status and I wanted to be first in line to console him. I was about to offer my services when Erinmade an announcement.
“We're having our very first Mohawk activity night this evening at eight in front of the building,” she told us. “It's a pizza party and I hope you'll all be there. Be sure to tell everyone you see.”
“Are you going?” I turned to Carlos and asked.
“I don't have a choice,” he said, almost blinding me with a flash of his sparkling white teeth.Good oral hygiene is always a plus , I thought. His next words snuffed out any budding hope that I might have a chance with this Adonis. “After all, it is my girlfriend throwing the party.”
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“Oh. You and Erin...”
“Yep,” he said, blissfully unaware of my dashed dreams.
Just then,Erinbroke away from the conversation she'd been having with Sir Alex of Cannabis and approached us. “So, will you be there tonight, Jake?”
“No, I don't think so,” I said flatly.
She looked genuinely disappointed. “Well, if you change your mind, feel free to come on down. The price is right. You can't beat free pizza.”
“Thanks,” I said and started back towards the dorm.You ass , I chided myself.How are you going to make friends if all you do is mope in your room with Foster and the Neanderthal? I had a point. Besides, Erin and Carlos seemed like cool people even if they are straight. I turned back and yelled, “Hey Erin, I changed my mind. I'll see you tonight.”
She lit up like aChristmas tree and waved in acknowledgment.
Feeling much better about my situation, I changed direction and went to get lunch at the cafeteria instead. I helped myself to a plate of some sort of stir fry and picked an empty table.Becca and Adrienne walked by, pointedly ignoring me. I was wounded to the core...or maybe not. A few seconds later, Foster and Slug dropped into seats at my table.
“Dude, the food here rocks,” Foster said while Slug nodded in contented agreement. They both began to shovel huge bites of meat and pasta into their mouths -- complete with disgusting slurping sounds -- and I immediately lost my appetite.
“Yeah, uh, I was just finishing,” I said weakly.
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“Yougonna eat that?” Slug asked, pointing at my unfinished stir fry.
“Helpyourself ,” I said, sliding the plate towards him and standing up. “See you back in the room.”
I spent the rest of the afternoon hiding in my room out of fear I'd be dragged into another team building game if I ventured outside. At eight, I went down for the pizza party and was surprised to find I actually enjoyed myself. It turned out thatErinhad a wicked sense of humor and we hit it off famously. I really liked Carlos too, although I kept a little distance between him and me. I still didn't trust myself to be too close to him without disgracing myself by humping his leg or something. I finally learned thatToshi was a guy and, unless I was way off target, quite queer. I was almost positive he was flirting with me. He was a pretty little thing with shoulder length hair and a feminine, heart-shaped face. There was a time when I would have had him in my room before he had the chance to think twice. Not anymore, though. I was trying to put my sluttish ways behind me. I hated the fact that I used to be like that, and my former ways were the main reason I'd chosen to go to a college so far from home.
A good number of people showed up for the party.Erinhad slipped flyers under everyone's door and apparently a lot of people respond positively to free pizza. The party began to dissolve into smaller gatherings as the evening wore on. Some left to watch a movie in someone's room, while others broke off to play games or chat in more intimate settings. We weren't the only party on or off campus tonight and some moved on to other pastures. It was dwindling down to just me, Erin, Carlos,Toshi , and a few other stragglers when I excused myself to go up to my room.
“Can I talk to you for a second?”Erinasked as I stood up.
“Sure,” I agreed guardedly.
She walked away from the remaining group and I followed her. Once we were out of hearing range, she turned and faced me. “Okay, this is probably none of my business, but are you gay?”
I was caught off-guard for a second, and her question left me uncharacteristically speechless. I'm comfortable with who I am, however, and make it practice to never deny it when asked directly. “Yeah, I am,” I said somewhat defiantly.
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“Hey, don't get me wrong,” she said quickly. “I'm perfectly cool with it. I was just wondering.” She broke into a broad grin. “I figured you were from the look on your face when you saw Carlos for the first time.”
I couldn't help but blush, which is not my usual style. “Yeah, well, he's a yummy piece of eye candy,” I admitted.
“That he is. But he's also a lot smarter than most people give him credit for. They look at him and think that anything that pretty couldn't possibly be blessed with a brain too, but he's here on an academic scholarship.”
I couldn't help smiling at her fierce defense. “Well, brains or brawn, you don't have to worry about me trying to steal him away. Maybe once upon a time I would have pulled something like that, but not anymore.”
She laughed. “That's not why I asked. It's just good to know these things as your RA. That way I can watch out for potential problems.”
I frowned. “Do you expect any?”
“Problems?No, not really. VRU is a pretty liberal campus, but that doesn't mean there aren't a few rotten assholes in every barrel. I just like to be prepared. In other words, don't worry. I've got your back.”
I had a sudden impulse to give her a hug, so I did. “Thanks.”
She grinned at me again. “Keep that up and it's Carlos who'll be jealous.”
I giggled. “Tell him not to worry. You're completely safe with me.”
She wriggled her eyebrows. “Yes, but are you safe with me?”
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We linked arms and walked back to the group giggling like school girls. Carlos raised an eyebrow, but took our sudden bonding in stride. I guess when you look like he does you aren't too worried about someone stealing your girl. I said my goodnights once again and went up to my room.
I opened the door to find the Neanderthal laying across my bed, arms folded behind his head and staring up at the ceiling. Foster was not in the room.
“Uh, hi...” I took a deep breath and forced myself to say it, “...Slug.”
He rolled his big dark eyes in my direction -- managing to look remarkably like a horse -- and gave me a crooked smile.“Hi Jason.”
“It's Jake.”
He looked at me blankly.
“My name is Jake, not Jason,” I explained.
“Oh. Sorry.Hi Jake.”
“Where's Foster?”
“Dunno.”
“So, uh, how did you get in the room?”
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“Foster gave me a key.”
“He did, did he?” I was going to have to have a talk with Foster about that. The Missing Link had given no indication that he was planning to remove his person from my bed.
“Yeah, um, did you know that's my bed?” I asked as politely as could.
“Oh, did you want to get here?” The idea seemed to catch him by surprise.
“Please?” It felt odd to requesting the use of my own bed, but it seemed the saner course of action when dealing with someone named Slug.
He laboriously worked himself to a sitting position, and with a few false tries, managed to get to his feet, where he stood swaying like a scrawny sapling in a stiff wind. It became all too apparent that Slug was drunk off his ass.
With an inward groan, I shut the door and steered Slug towards Foster's bed. I'd let him deal with it whenever he dragged himself in for the night. Slug stood next to Foster's bed and stared at it without comprehension. Either this guy was dumber than I'd given him credit for or he was a lot farther gone than he looked. I gave him a little push in the direction of the bed and watched in horrified fascination as he slowly collapsed onto the bed, looking amazingly like a toppling redwood. He bounced once upon hitting the mattress -- testing its weight endurance to the limit, no doubt -- and proceeded to pass out. I was tempted to applaud the performance, but instead, I just turned and changed into my bed clothes. I was worn out and it wasn't even that late. One bad thing about being an early riser is that you get tired earlier too. When I was in full party mode it didn't really faze me, but it had been a long time since I'd been in full party mode.
I was just about to fall asleep when Slug started snoring. No, snoring doesn't quite capture the unearthly noises that were emitting from his body. It started off sounding like a sty full of pigs fighting over the last choice bit of slop. It wasn't before he'd worked up a full head of steam, however, and the noise was more like a 747 landing in the room with me while sucking a whole herd terrified cows into its engines -- maybe with a bagpipe thrown in for good measure.
At first, I thought I'd wait it out. If it started suddenly, it stood to reason that it might stop just as suddenly. Twenty minutes later that theory wasn't holding water, and I was seriously considering holding
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a pillow over his big meaty head until the cacophony ended.
A couple hours later, I was near tears when Foster finally came back, fumbling in the dark and cursing under his breath.
“You might as well turn the light on,” I told him, causing him to squeak in surprise. “I'm awake and I don't think anything short of a nuclear blast would wake up your drunken friend right now.”
The light came on to reveal Foster staring fuzzily at his bed and its occupant. “Whatshhedoin ' here?” he slurred.Great. Now I had two intoxicated idiots on my hands.
“Don't ask me. You gave him the key.”
“Ishhemakin ' all that noise?”
“Apparently.”
“Where'mIs'posed to sleep?”
“Oh, for God's sake!”I exclaimed. I leapt out of bed and grabbed my key. “Take my bed, but I swear, if you piss in it, I'll kill you.”
“Where're yougoin '?”
“Somewhere I can get some sleep.”
I stormed out of the room and down the hall to the elevator. I took it down to the first floor where an RA I hadn't met yet was on duty.
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“Do you know what roomErinis in?” I asked the guy. He gave me her room number and I quickly sought it out. I knocked softly on her door. When she didn't answer, I knocked louder. After a few minutes, a very sleepy looking Carlos opened the door in just his boxers. I felt my jaw drop.
“Jake?” he asked with a great deal of confusion. “What time is it?”
“I, uh, I don't know. I just...I was going to askErinif I could sleep here, but I'll, uh, I'll go somewhere else.” I was incredibly embarrassed and I know my face had to be beet red. He looked even better without his shirt than I'd imagined. If I stood here another second, I'd be boned up. I began my retreat, but Carlos called after me.
“Why can't you stay in your room?”
“It's, uh, occupied.” As annoyed as I was with Foster and Slug, I didn't want to get them in trouble. At least not until after I tried talking to them.
“So where are you going?”
I shrugged. “I...don't know.”
“Then come on.”
“No, really, it's okay...”
“No, come on. You can have the futon. It's not very comfortable but it's better than nothing.”
I wasn't sure about that, but there was no way to turn him down without being rude -- not to mention obvious. I trudged back to him, feeling like I was going to my own execution.
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I stepped intoErin's room and my first thought was that it was a lot homier than mine -- and bigger. A carpet covered the floor, a metal-framed futon faced a TV, and a chair sat off to one side to create a conversation area. Beyond that, her desk had been situated in such a way to separate the sitting area from her bed. Framed posters and photographs adorned the walls.
Erin sat up in bed and stared at me as if trying to figure out why I was standing in her room at something o'clock in the morning.
“He got evicted from his room,” Carlos said simply.
She nodded sleepily and lay back down.
“Pull up some futon,” Carlos offered. He helped me convert it into bed mode and offered me a pillow, which I didn't accept since they only had two and both were already in use. I dropped to the lumpy mattress and squeezed my eyes closed. A few seconds later, the light turned off and I heard Carlos climbing back into bed withErin. My eyes immediately popped open. Sleeping in the same room as that walking Michelangelo sculpture was going to be worse torture than staying in my room with Foster and Slug.
I don't know how long I laid there awake, staring at the wall and desperately trying to pretend that Carlos wasn't sleeping practically naked mere feet from me. I finally drifted off to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. Unfortunately, my inner clock doesn't really give a damn what time I fall asleep. It awoke me bright and early first thing Saturday morning. I sat up and rubbed my aching eyes. I was definitely going to need my caffeine fix this morning. I got up and put the futon back in its sofa form, being as quiet as possible to avoid waking Carlos and Erin. I let myself out of her room and took the elevator back up to mine.
I opened my door to be greeted by the symphony from hell that was still emanating from Slug. He didn't look like he'd moved since I had dumped him onto Foster's bed. Foster, meanwhile, had somehow managed to fall asleep amidst the unbelievable racket and was still sleeping peacefully in my bed. He'd slobbered on my pillow. I was not happy. I slammed the door but neither of them even flinched.
With a low growl, I yanked some clothes out of my dresser and exited the room, slamming my door again on the way out. It made me feel better even if didn't really accomplish anything. I showered, dressed and shaved, then returned to the room. Neither of the two amoeba brains had so much as rolled
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over. I wanted to leap on Foster's back and beat him with my fists until he woke up, but I restrained myself with some effort and decided to go get some coffee before I hurt someone -- namely myself.
I glanced at the clock on my way out. It was almost nine, about the same time I'd gone to The Morning Rush the day before. I wondered if that cutespazzy kid would be working again this morning. What was his name? Ah yes,Kody with a “K.”
I walked down to the coffee shop and pushed open the door. It was pretty much the way I'd found it the day before -- practically deserted.Kody was behind the counter again but he was distracted by the shop's sole customer, a crotchety looking geezer with more hair coming out of his ears than on top of his shiny head. The old guy was complaining that the coffee was too hot, a complaint I found to be absurd. If you want cold coffee, go to Starbucks and get afrappaccino .Kody was handling the situation very professionally. I was impressed. He didn't seem like the same person at all. He acted like this happened all the time, and for all I knew, it did.
They finally seemed to reach some sort satisfactory compromise and the old man shuffled off. I approached the counter andKody looked my way. His eyes widened for a second, but then he pasted a professional smile across his face and the momentary look of panic was gone. I almost thought I might have imagined it.
“Hi,” he said cheerfully. “You're getting to be a regular here.”
“What can I say? I like the company,” I said with a big smile. Nope, I hadn't imagined the panicked look. It was back again.
He laughed nervously and twisted his hands into his apron. “So, uh, what can I get you?”
“Well, I've had the espresso and the double cappuccino with whipped cream. What would you suggest I try now? It can be anything as long as it has lots of caffeine. I didn't get much sleep last night.”
“I, uh...we have some really good specialty blends,” he stammered, his face flushing.
“What's your favorite?” I was flirting just to watch him squirm at this point. I couldn't decide if he was
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uncomfortable because he's gay or because he's straight, but either way it was too much fun to pass up.
“Hazelnut, heavy on the cream, and a touch of honey,” he responded without hesitation.
“Sounds perfect.I'll have that.”
“The, uh, pots are over there,” he said, pointing at a bank of coffee pots against one wall. He rang me up and handed me a ceramic mug emblazed with their logo, a coffee mug on wheels with speed lines coming from it.
After paying, I poured myself a cup of hazelnut coffee and prepared it just the wayKody had suggested, heavy on the cream, and with a touch of honey. I took a sip and turned to see thatKody was watching me closely for my reaction.
I made a face and exclaimed, “That's horrible! How can you drink this stuff?”
He looked shocked for a minute, before his expression turned to horror. He quickly started apologizing. “I'm so sorry. You don't have to drink it. Do you want something else? It'll be on the house.”
I laughed.“Kody, calm down. I was just kidding. It's really good.”
He jerked when I said his name as if someone had goosed him. He took a deep breath and released it slowly. “So you do like it?” he asked.
“Yeah, I really do.”
His face lit up with a smile that completely transformed him from cutie tohottie in under a second. I felt my breath catch in my throat and all I could think about was making him smile like that again.
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“Can I get you anything else?” he asked and I realized that I was standing at the counter staring at him.
My brain was screaming at me to ask him out, but instead, I smiled and said, “No thanks. This is good.” I turned away and walked to what I now thought of as my table.I don't even know if he's gay , I reasoned with myself in a vain attempt to justify my cowardice. What was wrong with me? I'd never hesitated to ask a cute guy out before, even if I knew for a fact he was straight. “You never know” had always been my motto.
If I was honest with myself, though, I knew exactly why I hadn't said anything. I hadn't seriously dated anyone since rehab. I'd gone on a few dates, but they'd all pursued me and I hadn't let them get close. None of them had progressed past the second date. Why? The answer was simple -- I was afraid. If I got too close to someone, I'd have to tell them about my past and I was too scared to do that. I didn't want to have to face their reaction. My drinking and partying were only a small part of my shameful history.
I risked a look in his direction and found that he was still watching me. Our eyes locked for a second before we both looked away -- he pretending to clean behind the counter, me suddenly finding something infinitely captivating out the window.This is ridiculous. He obviously likes you so stop being awuss . It doesn't mean you have to tell him anything. It's only one date.
I stood up with a sudden resolve and marched to the counter. My intentions were good, my timing was off.Kody looked up at my approach just as he was wiping up a small spill from a fresh carafe of coffee. He jerked back, his cleaning rag caught on the coffee pot handle, and it all went crashing to the floor, splashingKody's legs with scalding hot liquid and making a huge mess. He yelped in pain and bit down hard on his lower lip.
“Are you okay?” I asked with concern. “I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to startle you.”
“You didn't,” he said between clenched teeth.
“Let me help clean it up,” I offered.
“No, it's okay. I'll get it.”
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I ignored him and slipped behind the counter. He was still standing stiffly, gripping the rag tightly in his hand. “Did you burn yourself?” I squatted in front of him and reached for his pant-leg. He snatched his leg away. “I just want to make sure you didn't get burned.” This time, he let me lift the cuff of his pants far enough to see his skin. It was slightly reddened, but it didn't look too bad. “Well, my official diagnosis would be that you didn't get burned, at least not too badly.”
“Thanks,” he said in a rather breathless voice.
I looked around. “That's the good news. The bad news is the floor's a mess. Do you have a trash can for all this glass?”
He produced one from under the counter and crouched down next to me as I began picking up the larger shards of glass.
“You don't have to do this,” he said softly.
I looked over at him, catching his eye. “I know. I want to.”
He looked away. “Don't cut yourself.” We worked in silence for a few seconds,then he asked, “How'd you know my name?”
“That lady called you by name when she came in yesterday --Kody with a `K'.”
“Oh.” Was it my imagination or did he sound a little disappointed? “That's Max. She's the manager here.”
“My name's Jake,” I told him. He looked at me sharply, no doubt remembering his “everything's Jake” comment. “No joke,” I assured him.
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He gave me a crooked smile and I almost sliced my hand with a particularly wicked splinter of glass. “Hi Jake.”
I grinned back at him.“HiKody . I'd offer to shake your hand, but...” I held up my hand, which was dripping with coffee, and he giggled.
I took a deep breath and tried to summon my courage.Just ask him , my inner voice hissed.
“So, uh, would you like to...” I was interrupted by the bell that signaled the front door opening.Kody shot to his feet so quickly you would have thought a jolt of electricity had zapped him in the ass.
“What were you doing on the floor?” the woman I now knew as Max asked.
Kodyopened and closed his mouth a few times, but nothing came out. I stood up too and her face became a comical mask of confusion. She looked back and forth betweenKody and me, trying to put the puzzle together without the box top.
Before I could explain,Kody bolted through the office door, leaving me standing there looking guilty as hell. Max's face was growing redder by the second. It looked like I was going to have to talk my way out of this one -- and judging by the color of Max's face, I'd better talk fast.
Chapter 4
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Kody"
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I don't understand why so many people feel the need to get coffeehere in the morning. I know I'm not all that freaking happy to see them, so it can't be my cheery personality. I had dragged my sorry ass in atsix o'clockand tried to mainline just caffeine -- screw the cream and sugar and whipped toppings, just give me go-go juice. All the bureaucratic shit heads who work up at the Alfred E. Smith building in their lame suits and conservative twill skirts showed up here. Thing is, no one is nice in the morning unless they are on medication. So why in God's name did I pick a place to work where I'd have to not only be a grouch but serve more bitchy people that I ever dreamed existed?
At least Saturday's were quieter, though it certainly didn't allow you to go out Friday night. Who was I kidding? Where was I going on Friday night? Maybe I could go down to the park and hang out with the winos.
This old crank shuffled in and made his way to the counter. He was a chronicbitcher . Every day he would come in and complain about something. One day the cups were too thin. Another day the tops weren't the right size for his cup. We called him the talking rug, because he had the world's worst hairpiece and the hair on top of his head was white midway down his skull. He wasn't fooling anyone.
I struggled to keep a straight face as he approached the counter. He had forgotten his hairpiece this morning and his bald pate glowed dully from the lights overhead. Wax on, wax off.
“Small coffee, please,” he said. I filled his order quickly, charging him the princely sum of one dollar and eighteen cents. After depositing the money, he began to turn away from me and I foolishly began to think that I would get away with no struggle from him today. I am such a dumb ass.
“What do you guys do to this coffee? It's hot enough to melt my teeth!” If he wanted iced coffee, why didn't he ask?
“Would you like me to put an ice cube in it for you?” I asked. The bell on the door jingled as he glared at me.
“The ice won't fit with how far you filled this cup. You have to pour this into a bigger cup first, and then add some. I don't want less coffee than I paid for. Why does it have to be so hot?”
I took his cup while mentally counting down from ten so that I didn't coat the oldster with his java. I poured it into a larger cup, added some ice, and handed it back to him with a smile. He turned and
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slowly made his way to the door withoutso much as a thank you.
Oh shit!He was back! Why was he back? The guy from campus, the one dad said…Oh yeah, the really hotstraight guy from campus. I don't think he caught on that my blood pressure was a little elevated.
“Hi,” I said with as much cheer as I could muster. “You're getting to be a regular here.” Smooth, Kody , be so cool and smooth that he never gets a clue. He's bigger than you. He could kick your ass if he wanted to.
“What can I say? I like the company.” His smile was so good it was criminal. My pulse raced again and my nerves twitched involuntarily.
“So, uh, what can I get you?” I managed to say without too much stuttering, though I still played with the loose ends of my apron strings.
“Well, I've had the espresso and the double cappuccino with whipped cream. What would you suggest I try now? It can be anything as long as it has lots of caffeine. I didn't get much sleep last night.”
I'll just bet you didn't, probably balled that chick until she screamed for mercy. Of course, that image came to my mind and I pictured his sweat slicked body caught in the throes of passion. His tanned skin shone and his cheeks were flushed with the exertion of pleasuring his partner. The small groans and the short bursts of breath as a small droplet of sweat hung from his nipple….
“I, uh...we have some really good specialty blends,” I said to him as I tried to regain my composure. I don't think it was working, I felt like such a total dork! “What's your favorite?” he asked me, adding in a crooked grin that made me very, very nervous. I continued to wrap the loose ends of my apron tie in my fingers in order to keep them busy.
“Hazelnut, heavy on the cream, and a touch of honey,” I replied without hesitation. Something I could say with out any form of thought involved!
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“Sounds perfect.I'll have that.”
I rang up his purchase while directing him to the self serve pots. I handed back his change, noting the soft feel of his palm as my fingers grazed his skin. I gave him a large mug, though he had only paid for a small. Ok, so I undercharged him. Satisfied? I watched him as he went to make the coffee, pouring then adding a generous dollop of cream. My fingers were clenched tightly, bunching my apron into so much mangled cloth. He added the dollop of honey and used a swizzle stick to get it all mixed together. He took a sip and turned to face me slowly, his face contorting.
“That's horrible! How can you drink this stuff?”
Oh God! He hated it! Oh no, now what do I do? “I'm so sorry. You don't have to drink it. Do you want something else? It'll be on the house.” I blubbered like an idiot -- and I hated myself for it.
“Kody, calm down.I was just kidding. It's really good.” He laughed at my frantic state and I felt even dumber than I had to begin with.
“So, you do like it?” I asked as I felt my cheeks redden at being caught in his farce. Wait a second! Hold on! He said my name! He knew who I was!
“Yeah, I really do.” He replied with a smile. I returned that smile and felt tremendous. I did something he liked! He approached me slowly, coffee in hand and I began to shuffle my feet under his gaze. What was he doing? He walked all the way up to the counter and was only a few feet away from me by the time I spoke.
“Can I get you anything else?” I made a mental wish list of the things I could happily provide to him.
“No thanks. This is good.” He said to me and turned, walking away and dashing that stupid little bit of hope that had taken hold in me. I watched him as he moved back to the table in the corner -- the only one I had ever seen him sit at -- and sat down with his coffee.
I watched him. This fascinating blond guy had me head over heels.And why? I didn't know a thing about him. He could be a booger flicker. Or maybe he eats chocolate covered grasshoppers. I mean, I
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am sure he'd look nice eating them, sitting shirtless while he opened his mouth, spreading those lips and extending his tongue towards….
Oh shit! He looked this way! I turned my head and began to scrub the counter into submission. How much more of an imbecile can I be today -- flirting and fantasizing over a straight boy who is screwing with my head? So I have `gay boy that wants you' tattooed on my head? I didn't even know his name for crying out loud! I had a fresh pot of regular coffee going and I noticed a small spill. I pounced on it just as I caught movement out of the corner of my eye.
I looked up to see him only feet away again. I jumped, my hand jerking a little, and my cleaning rag caught on the handle of the pot, sending it -- and its hot contents -- crashing to the floor in spectacular fashion.Ow ! That was hot!
I stood looking at him, trying to be stoic about the burning sensation on my legs, biting my lower lip so I didn't scream bloody blue blazes.
“Are you okay?” He asked with some degree of concern. “I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to startle you.”
“You didn't,” I said between clenched teeth. My macho act was getting easier as the burning started to settle down a bit.
“Let me help clean it up,” He offered.
“No, it's okay. I'll get it.” I replied hurriedly. Max would kill me and I didn't think him being so close to me was a good idea. Why can't he be a normal guy and just reject me and the fact that I exist? This would be so much easier to get over. He was stepping behind the counter! The counter was my domain, my bulwark against the teeming unwashed masses of the general public.
“Did you burn yourself?” He asked while kneeling down and reaching for the cuff of my khakis. I jerked away in surprise. What? Was he thinking of being a doctor?Maybe a veterinarian?
“I just want to make sure you didn't get burned.” He said with a trace more of compassion. I stood still while he lifted my pant leg a bit, feeling woefully inadequate in the leg department at the moment.
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“Well, my official diagnosis would be that you didn't get burned, at least not too badly.” He said, and I said thank you. Well, I tried but I was too keyed up with him close enough to touch, and kneeling in front of me to boot. If he had touched my leg I would have fallen over. Does anyone know what an aneurysm feels like?
“That's the good news. The bad news is the floor's a mess. Do you have a trash can for all this glass?” I nodded dumbly and grabbed one from the dispenser under the counter. I bent down with the opened bag and began to help grab the large pieces of the broken carafe. I don't know why he was still back here. He didn't cause the mess. My own dorky self did that. But it was nice.
“You don't have to do this,” I whispered.
He caught my gaze. “I know. I want to.”
Oh God. His eyes are so beautiful! I looked away quickly, feeling a blush coming on. “Don't cut yourself.” I told him, for lack of something better to say. I screwed up my courage to try and make some better conversation with him.
“How'd you know my name?” I asked. My imagination was running full gallop. He was a computer hacker and had stolen my files from the school! No, he had come in and complimented me to Max or Marla, being vague enough that they offered candidate's names for whoever had served him so well. He had found out my name so he could ask me out!
“That lady called you by name when she came in yesterday --Kody with a `K'.”
All those little pipe dreams fell to pieces. “Oh, that's Max. She's the manager here.”
“My name's Jake,” he said to me. I looked up at him so fast my neck cracked. I had just said to him yesterday that everything was Jake when he asked me how I was. Was he screwing with me?
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“No Joke,” he grinned. Did he remember what I had said the day before? He was smiling innocently so I smiled shyly in return, “Hi Jake.”
“HiKody .”He continued to smile at me, “I'd shake your hand but...” he held out his coffee drenched hand and I giggled.
“So, ah, would you...” he began, but the question was left unasked as the bell chimed to announce a customer. I bolted to a standing position only to come face-to-face with Max, who was rapidly closing the distance to the counter.
“What were you doing on the floor?” She asked. Oh my god! I was behind the counter with a customer who happened to be the hottest guy I can think of and my manager walked in. I am so fired! She is going to write me up and fire me!
Jake stood up next to me and Max's eyes darted back and forth as she waited for an answer. I responded by darting into the office and out the back door of the shop, leaving Jake to face Max alone.
I leaned up against the wall, hot tears of panic welling up in my eyes. I had barely gotten this job two weeks ago and now I had customers behind the counter? Where was I going to get a job, especially with my limited skills? I knew how to pour coffee and wipe counters for crying out loud! What would my father say? Charlie would tell me I am an idiot. Oh shit. I slid down the wall with tears tracking down my face. I wallowed in my self inflicted misery. I debated if I should just toss my apron on the ground and start walking home or not when the back door opened and Max stepped through.
“Why are you crying?” she asked mildly.
“Cause you're going to fire me,” I said with a fresh tear racing down my face.
“Kody, breathe. Where am I going to find someone with your experience? I mean, yeah, you can't have someone behind the counter, even if heisa cutie,” she smiled and I blushed a bit.
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“You aren't going to fire me?”
“I don't fire people. Besides, you're adorable; like a real person, only smaller.”
I laughed a little through my tears, which I tried to wipe off my face. I felt silly again. I slowly stood up.
“If I was over my ex, I'd go after that guy.Oh my God ,” Max fanned herself with one hand.
“Yeah, he is hot,” I said. I looked up in surprise as I realized I hadouted myself, but I wasn't sure if she'd caught it or not. She sighed.
“Marla wins. She said you were gay. She spotted it, but I said you were straight,” she laughed and I relaxed. “So is that cutie gay too?”
“No,” I said with a sigh. “He was in here with some bimbo the other night. I don't have a chance in hell.”
“Well, let's go inside. I think Marla cleaned up your mess,” she snickered.
“Is he gone yet? I don't want to see him. I turn into an idiot if he's around,” I told Max.
“Yeah, I do the same thing if my ex is around.” She sighed and poked her head in the door.
“Hey, Mar. Is cutie-patootiegone yet?” she giggled.
“Yeah,” Marla laughed. “It's safe to come out now.”
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We reentered the shop and Marla was sipping a coffee. Max handed her a one dollar bill and told her she'd won. I blushed and Marla giggled.
“Oh, poorKody !” she said while she patted me on the back. “Did Max force it out of you?”
“No, slip of the tongue,” I admitted.
“Oh well, we can look at cute guys together,” she laughed and I giggled a little with her.
“Oh, you should have seen when Scott worked here.” She rooted through her desk. “I think I have a picture in here somewhere.”
***
I walked home after work with my MP3 player hooked into my ears and playing the soundtrack from Mr. Holland's Opus. Cole's song was my favorite, and matched my hopeful yet somber mood. I passed the video store and a few small junk shops, singing the song under my breath as I walked.
I was doing my best to put Jake out of my head, nice as he had been. I just don't get beautiful people. Don't they know what kind of effect they have on mere mortals? It would be so much easier if he had been an asshole -- all wrapped up inhimself and not even realizing I existed. But no, he has to be nice and considerate and give me a stupid little burst of hope. Of course, being nice to someone doesn't mean that you are interested in them. In fact, I was nice to a great many people everyday and I wouldn't mind a couple of them getting hit by city busses.
I headed up the stairs to my apartment and heard a door open and close as I hit the second floor. A guy was locking his door and he turned to look at me, He was average height with blond hair and green eyes that didn't glitter, but rather gave off a mellow glow. He smiled and walked past me, heading for the stairs. Jeez, I didn't know I had a neighbor -- let alone a good looking one. I opened my door and tossed my shirt into the hamper near the door. Since it was only me, I figured it was fine to have the dirty clothes hamper where it was convenient to drag out the front door.
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I took a quick shower to get all of the coffee smells off of me, and then got myself into a pair of jeans and a VRU sweatshirt. My father nearly cleaned the campus store out of official VRU gear he was so eager and happy to have me there. I smiled in remembrance of how proud he was.
I grabbed some bus fare and my wallet before heading out the door again. My neighbor was coming up the stairs with a few bags of groceries, and I stopped to help him out.
“Need a hand?” I asked.
“If you start clapping I'll beat you senseless with a bag ofCheetos ,” he laughed as he handed me a couple of the plastic bags.
“No clapping, got it,” I replied with a grin. He used his free hand to unlock and open the door; leaving it open for me to trail in his wake. His place was clean, well ordered, and a mirror image of my floor plan.
“You can set that right on the counter over here,” he said indicating the countertop in his kitchenette area. After releasing my hold, he stuck his hand out to shake, giving me a warm, sure grip. His hand felt muscular, toned from sports, and was absolutely delightful.
“I'm Nick Pedersen,” he said with a toothy smile.
“KodyKingsley,” I replied returning his smile and handshake.
“KK, gotcha,” he grinned as he released my hand. “We're having a party tonight. Stop in if you like or tell us if we're too loud, man.”
“Uh, sure, thanks Nick. I'll see you later,” I stammered as I headed back out the door. He just smiled and I closed his door behind me.
Well, that was interesting! I headed out the door with my mood buoyed considerably, and headed
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for the bus stop. Capital District Transportation Authority, or CDTA ran the bus system out here and it was fairly decent. The seats sucked on most of them, like most city busses, but they were fairly reliable as far as being on time.
I took the bus out toCrossgates Mall, a huge shrine built to pay homage to the gods of retail. To date it boasts two hundred and fifty retail stores, plus eight anchor stores. That's one point six million square feet of shopping nirvana. Yeah, I liked to shop.
The ride took about twenty minutes and I got off in front ofLord & Taylor. The two-level mall had all sorts of places to go, and I browsed before heading into T.J.Maxx to hit the underwear section. Charlie thought it was funny to take most of them out of my suitcases before I left, and though dad promised to send them, he was notorious for forgetting packages.
I strolled through the aisles, looking at the jeans and the name brand shirts that were defective for reasons I usually couldn't tell. The socks and underwear section was at the back of the store in the far right corner. One display rack held tee shirts and separate racks held socks and underwear. I perused the underwear, checking out the prices before making a selection. I like to shop, but I don't like to blow money. I never buy Fruit of the Loom because of that FTL they put on them, it looks tacky, like a house brand cheap garment, or something made in a Guatemalan sweat shop. Funny how a name or a symbol can affect you, huh?
I pawed through the rest of the Hanes, before turning the corner and freezing. There's a brand of underwear called Jake & Co.? You have got to be kidding me. Was this meant as some kind of cosmic joke? Everywhere I went there was a Jake, even down to underwear! This was too much. I pawed through and found two packages of my size. I figured this was the only way Jake was getting in my pants, anyway. I admit I felt stupid walking to the counter, as if the clerk would see my reason for buyingthat brand and call me for it on the intercom.
“Attention shoppers!Kody Kingsley has just brought two packages of Jake & Co. boxer briefs to the counter because he has a ridiculous crush on someone named Jake! Can we have someone from security here?”
But of course, that didn't happen and I walked out with my new underwear safely in a bag. I had lost my zest for the mall, and headed home with my new purchases, wondering what was wrong with me. The bus let me off onCentral Avenue. I walked up the street, hearing the strains of Matchbox 20 coming from my house. Must be the party, I thought to myself.
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I climbed the stairs in the dark, reminding myself I would have to speak to the landlord since this was somewhat dangerous, especially if I thought of Jake and tripped. Jake would be an accessory to my accident, owing to him being so good looking and charming.
The door to my neighbor's apartment muffled the music and the murmur of conversation, laughter punctuating the hum of voices at regular intervals. I opened my door and walked into my bedroom, dropping the bag with its incriminating evidence. I debated going to the party, surely my face wouldn't give away my infatuation completely, right?
I combed my hair once more, adding a little dry wax to get the front to flip up in the front, and then headed next door. I stood outside for a moment to gather my courage, and knocked. Nick answered.
“Kody!Come on in man, meet everyone….”
Chapter 5
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Jake"
“I can explain everything, just don't fireKody ,” I said, holding out my hands in the universal sign for “Don't hurt me.”
Max burst into laughter, and I belatedly realized that her reddening face had only been a sign of impending mirth and not anger. My face flushed. I stood awkwardly while she laughed herself out and the blonde Marla gave me a measuring look.
“Nobody is getting fired, least of allKody ,” she said when her laughter had died down. “Funny, though, how I don't remember hiring you, so maybe you could explain why you're behind my counter.”
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“Well, um, I startledKody and he knocked over a pot of coffee and I didn't know if he'd burned himself so I came back to check and then I was helping him clean up the mess...”
“Take a breath, kid,” she said cutting me off. “Aren't you just a good little Samaritan?” She peered over the counter and raised an eyebrow at the mess. “Well, that was mighty sweet of you, but we'll take care of it now. So unless you want to tie on an apron, I suggest you get out from behind my counter.”
I quickly and gratefully made my escape as Marla and Max slipped past me.
“I'll take care of this. You go check onKody ,” Marla said to Max. Max left through the back door and Marla turned her thoughtful gaze on me. I had a feeling she wasn't going to let me off as easily as Max had, so I grabbed my coffee and nodded in her direction as I practically ran for the door.
That was real smooth, Jake, I thought as I walked back to campus. I'd never botched a pick-up quite that badly before, and I'd had some realdoozies . Like the time I got shot down by a guy at a club only to find out he was my teacher a few days later when school started. That had been awkward, but this was different. I always shook off my other failures, but this one deeply disappointed me. It wasn't just that it was embarrassing - I'd have to seeKody again if I wanted to keep getting coffee there. And it wasn't just that he was adorable - although, that smile! I'd been shot down by hotter guys and walked away without a second thought. So what was different? I really wanted to get to knowKody . He fascinated me. Maybe it was his innocence. There was a certain naiveté about him that I found very attractive.
What am I thinking? I don't even know if he's gay!
Things had been going well though, at least before Max and Marla had returned. I was pretty sure I was getting positive signals from him. I sighed. It was possible I'd never know now. I wouldn't blame him if he ran the next time he saw me coming. What had I been thinking going behind the counter like that? I could have gotten him fired.
Even if he is gay, he probably won't be interested in you if he finds out about your past,a nasty little voice whispered inside my head. Maybe that was what made this different. My attraction toKody was deeper than just his looks. Deep inside, I knew I wanted more than a one-night stand and that terrified me. I didn't know if I was ready to be honest with someone about the things I'd done. I could
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always keep it a secret but if things developed then I'd have to tell him eventually. It would only be worse then because I would have hidden it from him. I sighed. These thoughts were going nowhere fast. I didn't even know ifKody was gay.
As I passed the student union, I remembered that I still needed to buy my books, so I decided to try again. If nothing else, it would be a welcome distraction from my thoughts ofKody . If they didn't have them this time, I didn't know what I would do.
Luckily, the bookstore wasn't as busy today. I pulled the list out of my wallet, where I'd tucked it away for safe keeping, and started looking up numbers. They must have restocked the shelves since the last time I was here because it didn't take me long to find all but one of my textbooks. I took my stack up to the cash register and asked about the final book. The guy behind the counter said they didn't have any more of that book, and probably wouldn't for another week. He quickly rang up my other purchases and I almost fell over when he told me the total. He gave me a sympathetic smile.
“It gets worse,” he said. “Just wait until book buy-back. It doesn't matter if you haven't even cracked it open, you'll only get a tiny fraction back. Then they'll turn around and resell it next semester for a huge profit. It's all a big racket.”
“And it's legal,” I said as I reluctantly handed over my credit card. Mom would pay for the bill, but it still annoyed me to pay that much for a few books.
I lugged my small fortune worth of books back to my dorm, where I tried to juggle them while unlocking my door. In the process, I banged the door several times with the stack of books. I just about had it unlocked when much to my surprise it swung open, throwing me off balance. I stumbled into the room, dropping my books everywhere, and careened into what felt like a brick wall but turned out to be - who else? - Slug. He caught me in a bone-crushing hug and looked down at me as if I'd somehow lost my mind.
“Don't you have a room?” I snapped as I struggled to disentangle myself from the giant.
“Yeah, but my roommate doesn't like me,” he said matter-of-factly.
“I can't imagine why not,” my voice was soaked in sarcasm but the Neanderthal didn't seem to notice.
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“I don't know either. I'm always polite.”
I stifled a roar of frustration as I turned away to pick up my books. I stacked them on my desk,then decided to get it over with. “Where is Foster?” I asked, even though I knew it was an exercise in futility.
He shrugged - an act that sent ripples across his chest. “Dunno.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
He sat on Foster's bed and stared dumbly at me. I fought the urge to scream at the bigdoofus , reminding myself that he couldn't help being the dimmest bulb on theChristmas tree. Besides, I knew what was really bothering me was fact that I'd screwed things up withKody . There was no point taking that out on Slug.
I flopped backwards onto my bed with a sigh.
“Are you okay?” Slug asked.
“It's a long story,” I said waving my hand dismissively.
“I have time.”
“Thanks, but...I don't really feel like talking about it.”
“Oh. Okay.”
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Was it my imagination or did he sound a little disappointed? I took pity on him and decided to attempt conversation.
“So you're friends with Foster?”
“Yes.”
This might be more difficult than I'd first thought. “How do you know each other?”
“We went to the same high school.”
“Where was that?”
“Canton.”
“Is that inNew York?”
“Yeah.”
“I've never heard of it.”
“It's upstate.”
I was getting worn out from the effort of extracting information. I decided to take a breather and let a silence settle between us. I jumped a little when he suddenly started talking.
“We've been friends since like kindergarten. We're both really good at sports. Foster plays lacrosse
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and I play football. Foster used to play football too before he got into lacrosse. We used to be best friends, but when he started playing lacrosse he didn't talk to me as much. When he found out that I was going here too, he suddenly became my friend again. Everybody always thinks I'm really stupid, and maybe I'm not the smartest guy, but I'm not as dumb as people think either. Foster thinks I'm dumb, but he's not any smarter than me. I got better grades than he did. Sometimes I don't think he really even likes me all that much. I think he's just my friend because I'm the only person he knows here.”
I stared at Slug with a new respect. As he'd admitted, he might not be the brightest guy but he was obviously smarter than he looked to have figured all that out on his own.
“What's your real name?” I asked.
“Huh?”
“Your name isn't really Slug, is it?”
He shook his head. “It'sRoy. I hate Slug.”
“Then why does Foster call you that?”
“Everybody back home called me that. When I was seven, somebody dared me to eat a slug.”
“And you did?”
He nodded.
“Ah.” I suddenly found myself actually liking the big lug...at least a little. I felt bad for him. There was a certain sadness about him that made me wonder what was going on inside that big empty head of his. “Well,Roy,” I said, reaching for my book. “I think I'm going to read for a little while.”
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When I said his name, he got a big goofy grin on his face.“Sure, Jason. Don't let me bother you.”
“It's, uh, Jake,” I reminded him and he nodded cheerfully. He'd probably forgotten already. I shrugged and started reading.
I looked up a while later, surprised to seeRoystill sitting there grinning happily. Maybe there wasn't as much going on inside his head as I'd credited him with.
*** I sat my book down a couple hours later and looked over atRoy. He was still sitting on Foster's bed. He'd turned on the TV after asking if it would bother me and ever since, he'd been contentedly watching the Cartoon Network.
“I'm going to lunch,” I told him.
“Can I come?”
I had a sudden sinking feeling thatRoyhad now latched onto me. Would he now start following me around like a big dopey puppy? The thought was rather chilling, but I couldn't very well tell him he couldn't eat lunch. “Uh, yeah, sure,” I said.
He plodded along after me as we walked to the cafeteria. I got a cold-cut sub whileRoyfilled several plates with enough food to feed a small third world country. At least I now knew how he maintained his size.
The rest of the afternoon was spent much like the morning. I read and messed around online while Roywatched TV, chuckling occasionally over the antics of whatever animated character he happened to be watching at the time. Foster didn't make an appearance until just before dinner. He burst into the room wearing a cat-that-ate-the-canary grin.
“Dude, I've had the best day!” he gushed.
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I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or Roy and decided not to comment on the off-chance he wasn't talking to me. Apparently, he didn't need the encouragement anyway, since he continued without hesitation.
“I met some mad cool people and they invited me to this totally happening party tonight! You guys have to come too. It's likethe place to be.”
“What decade are you from?” I asked.
If he heard me, he gave no indication. “Everybody is going to be there and it's off campus at this guy's apartment.”
“He must have a big apartment if everybody is going to be there.”
“I managed an invite because one of the guys on the team is friends with the guy who's throwing the bash. He told me to bring some friends and you guys are like the only people I know.”
“Wow, what an invitation. I've never felt so special.”
“So you guys are coming, right?”
I stared at him and wondered if anything ever sank into that thick skull of his.
“Are you going?”Royasked me.
“I don't think so.” There would no doubt be lots of drinking and, more likely than not, drugs. I really didn't need to put myself in that position.
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“Oh, come on. You have to go!” Foster whined. “I can't show up alone and my girlfriend hasn't gotten here yet.”
“Why do I have to go? You guys can go without me.”
“I don'twanna go either,”Royannounced.
Foster stared at him in utter disbelief. “Dude, you love parties!”
He shrugged. “I don'twanna go.”
Faced with the idea of spending the entire dayand night alone in my room withRoygave me a new perspective on the party. I would just avoid the alcohol and drugs.
“Okay, I'll go,” I said quickly, hoping I wouldn't regret it later.
“Me too,”Royadded immediately.
Foster gave him a funny look, but seemed satisfied that we were both now going to the party with him. “Great! It starts around nine. Meet me here by like ten. I don't want to be the first people there.” With that, he spun around and was gone as quickly as he'd appeared.
Soon after that, I went to dinner,Royonce again trailing after me. Erin and Carlos were already there when I arrived and they waved me over to their table. The three of us kept up a constant stream of chatter as we ate, whileRoysilently inhaled his food. After dinner,Roysurprised me by announcing that he was going back to his room to change. I welcomed the respite.
“So what's up with Andre the Giant?”Erinasked after he'd left.
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“He's my roommate's friend from high school,” I told them, “but apparently now he's adopted me as his new buddy.”
Eringiggled. “Well, you won't have to worry about getting mugged with him following you around.”
Carlos laughed. “At least he's quiet. He reminds me of the guy Andre the Giant played inThe Princess Bride .”
“Fezzik!”Erinsquealed.
“Anybody want a peanut?” Carlos howled.
“Um, I've never seenThe Princess Bride ,” I admitted.
Carlos and Erin abruptly stopped laughing and stared at me with twin expressions of horror. “You're kidding,”Erinsaid, sounding as if I'd just announced that I'd never bathed before.
“Nope.Quite serious.”
“Inconceivable! You have to come watch it right now. I have it in my room.”
I laughed and shrugged.“Why not? I have a few hours to kill before I have to get ready for this stupid party my idiot roommate talked me into attending.”
“Where's it at?”Erinasked as we stood up to throw our trash away.
“I don't even know.Off campus somewhere.”
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She made a face. “Be careful. Some of those off campus parties get pretty wild.”
We walked back toErin's room while Carlos and Erin threw lines from the movie back and forth. I wouldn't need to see it after they finished quoting the entire script. Once in her room, she popped in the DVDand they settled onto the futon while I took the chair. The movie turned out to be surprisingly good, and I could definitely see the resemblance between Roy andFezzick .
After the movie ended, we sat around and just talked for a while. Erin and Carlos were quickly becoming my closest friends here. I liked both of them, and I'd found it was possible to sit in Carlos' presence without drooling. Around nine-thirty, I excused myself to go get changed for the party. I wasn't exactly thrilled about going, but if I had to go I'd at least look my best.
I somehow wasn't surprised to findRoyin my room when I opened the door. He'd changed into a pair of nice jeans and a button down shirt. I had to admit it was an improvement over his usual uniform of shorts and T-shirt. I took a few minutes to pick out an outfit, finally settling on nice jeans and a sexy, form-fitting short-sleeved polo shirt that matched my blue eyes. I debated going into the bathroom to change, but decided that was just silly. Still, I felt weird getting undressed in front ofRoy. I changed as quickly as possible, feeling as if he was watching me, even though he probably didn't even notice. Spongebob was on, and it seemed to have captured his full attention. Once dressed, I ran my fingers through my hair, added a shell necklace, and sprayed on some of my favorite cologne.
“You look nice,”Roysaid suddenly, startling me.
“Uh, thanks,” I said, feeling distinctly uncomfortable. IfRoyturned out to be gay and had a crush on me I was moving home. Screw college.
We didn't have to wait long before Foster showed up again. “You guys ready?” he asked. I thought I caught a whiff of alcohol on his breath but wasn't positive. Surely, he hadn't been pre-gaming had he? Then again, knowing him, that's probably exactly what he'd been doing.
“As I'll ever be,” I answered with a sigh. I had a sinking feeling about this party.
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“You could sound a little more excited,” he said, poking his lower lip out in a pout.
“Let's just go. You do know where we're going, right?”
“I have directions.”
Somehow, I wasn't reassured.
We followed Foster downstairs, and he set off in the direction of The Morning Brew. As we passed the coffee house, I glanced in, butKody wasn't in sight. Max was working with a sulky-looking guy I'd never seen before. We passed a video store that I noticed had a rainbow flag in their window. I made note to come back sometime when I was alone. I was beginning to suspect Foster was lost when we arrived at a slightly rundown apartment building with a sign in the window that read “College Rentals.”
“I think this is it,” Foster said, pushing open the front door. We followed him in as he started up a flight of steps taking two at a time. When the door closed behind us, we were suddenly thrown into pitch-black darkness. I came to sudden halt andRoyslammed into me full force from behind, knocking me down with a clatter and a yelp.
“What the fuck?” Foster exclaimed.
“I thinkRoyjust broke my leg,” I groaned.
“Why is it so dark?”Royasked.
“Who the fuck isRoy?”Foster asked in confusion.
“I'mRoy,” he responded. “Did I really break your leg?”
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“No, it's not broken. You just knocked me down.” I pulled myself to my feet using the wall for support.
“His name is Slug!” Foster bleated in the darkness.
“I don't like Slug. My name isRoy.”
“Since when?”
“My mom named me that when I was born.”
“Could someone just open the door?” I yelled just as a light appeared at the top of the stairs and music flooded into the stairwell.
“I thought I heard some voices,” a guy said from the second floor. He was backlit so I couldn't make out his face clearly, but he looked to be about average height and was well-built from what I could see. “I'm assuming you're here for the party. Sorry about the light being out. The landlord hasn't replaced it yet. Come on up.”
We made it to the second floor landing without further incident and I got my first real look at our host for the evening. He was quite good looking with blonde hair, green eyes, and a square jaw. He held out a hand and we all shook it in turn, introducing ourselves as we went. His name was Nick Pederson, and his handshake was as firm as his jaw. I thought I saw something in his eyes as his hand lingered in mine just a little too long. Jeez, I was beginning to think that everyone was gay. First it wasKody , thenToshi , and now this guy. I'd even wondered briefly aboutRoy. Was I that desperate for some queer companionship or was this college just full of fags?
He escorted us into his apartment which was surprisingly large and already pretty much filled to capacity. As I'd suspected, there was plenty of alcohol flowing already, although at this stage, everyone was still more or less sober. Music was playing, but it was at background volume and didn't really interfere with the conversations that were going on all around the room.
“Can I get you a drink?” Nick offered, playing the perfect host.
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“Just point me towards the hard stuff,” Foster said. His eyes were already scanning the room like a predator seeking prey.
“I'll just have a beer, thanks,”Roysaid politely.
Nick pointed Foster in the direction of the liquor, then grabbed a bottled beer out of a nearby cooler and handed it toRoy. Then he turned to me. “What can I get you?”
“Do you have Coke?”
“Rum and Coke?”
“Hold the rum.”
“Just a Coke?”
“Please?”
“No problem.” He ducked into the kitchen area and returned quickly with a glass of Coke. I took a cautious sip just to be safe. “I didn't spike it,” he said with a smile.
I smiled back. “Sorry. I didn't mean to imply you did. It's just that I don't drink.”
“At all?” he asked with surprise.
“Not anymore.”
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“Oh, okay. I get you. That's cool.”
We chatted for a few minutes before the sound of shattering glass came from the kitchen. Nick flinched and gave me an apologetic grimace.
“I guess you'd better go check on that,” I said.
“Yeah,” he agreed and headed off in the direction of the crash.
I decided to make a circuit of the room. As I went, I looked for familiar faces but didn't see any. The party had spilled into the bedroom, where a group of people were watching something on the TV. It turned out to be that movie with the guy fromDawson's Creek as the drug dealer,Rules of Attraction . I stayed and watched for a while, especially enjoying the scene where some cute dark haired guy kissed him, but after that, I quickly lost interest and wandered on again. I ended up back in the living room, leaning against the wall. Parties just weren't as much fun if you couldn't drink -- especially when you don't know anyone.
I gave the room another once over hoping someone I knew had arrived while I'd been in the back, but all I came up with was Roy and Foster. Foster was already looking hammered.No wonder , I thought when I noticed the glass of amber liquid in his hand. He was knocking back the hard stuff straight-up. He was busy hitting on a brunette chick who looked extremely disinterested.Roywas standing a few feet away from me with his arms crossed over his chest while scanning the crowd. Every few seconds he'd glance over to make sure I was still nearby. He'd been following me around all night and I was beginning to feel like I had a bodyguard. If there was anyone here who might be interested in me, they'd probably be too intimidated to approach me.
Just then, I was proven wrong as someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to find a painfully thin girl with stringy blonde hair. “You look really familiar,” she said. Her voice was steady but her eyes were slightly unfocused. It was a look I'd seen many times before. She'd been into something besides alcohol tonight. “Are you from around here?”
“Uh, no.I'm from out of state.” As I said that, I realized that she did actually look vaguely familiar. My brain raced, trying to figure out where I might know her from. It would be just my luck if she was someone from my past.
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“Really?Me too.I swear I've seen you before. Have you ever been toCalifornia?”
I took a closer look at her. Shit. I'd lived inCaliforniafor a year with my mom. I'd been quite the party boy while there. I drank heavily and I'd gotten into drugs, a habit that followed me back toMarylandand almost cost me my life. I didn't know where I'd met this girl before, but I was sure I didn't want her to remember. Not here. I'd done a lot of things I wasn't proud of then. “Nope,” I lied. “You must have me confused with someone else.”
I quickly moved away,Roytagging along a few feet behind. Something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye and I turned to see some guy dancing by himself on the other side of the room.Another drunk kid , I thought. Then he turned and I saw his face. My breath caught in my throat. It wasKody . His cheeks were rosy and his eyes were squeezed shut as he danced, his body moving without any inhibitions.He's even beautiful when he's drunk. I bet it's the first time he's ever been drunk. He was dressed very differently than he did for work. He was wearing a pair of tight low-rise jeans and a button-up shirt open over a white T-shirt. His undershirt had risen above his navel, giving a tantalizing glimpse of his smooth stomach. I couldn't tear my eyes off him. Other people were noticing him now, too. The blonde chick fromCaliforniahad even started dancing with him.
“Hey! Look at the little fag dance!” someone yelled. I searched out the heckler and somehow wasn't surprised to see it was Foster. It figured he'd be a homophobe. He was definitely a lot drunker than he'd been when we arrived.
Kodystopped dancing and stood swaying slightly while he sought out the voice. He stared defiantly at Foster.
“Go on, fag. Dance till you puke,” Foster taunted and several people laughed.
I didn't like the look inKody's eyes. I pushed away from the wall where I'd been leaning and started across the room in his direction. Before I'd taken more than a couple steps, Nick caught Foster's arm and said something to him quietly. Foster shook him off angrily and gave him a slight push. Suddenly, Kody launched himself into Foster's chest.Kody was much smaller, but he caught Foster by surprise and Foster was drunk. They went down with a crash,Kody pummeling Foster's face before they hit the floor. I had to give him this much, he was a tough little moron. He couldn't keep this up forever though, and Foster would cream him the first chance he got.
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I tried to move faster through the crowd, but Nick was closer. He grabbedKody and started pulling him off of Foster. Foster used the golden opportunity to take a sucker punch. One shot and littleKody was out like a light.
I felt a growl in my throat, but suddenly, the crowd was parted before me asRoycut through them like a bulldozer. He reached Foster and lifted him off the floor as if he was nothing more than a rag doll.
“That was mean,” he snarled.
“Are you sticking up for fags now, Slug?” Foster spat the name like an insult.
I seriously think those might have been Foster's last words if I hadn't been there.Roytensed up and I saw his hand clench into a fist. I laid a hand onRoy's arm and I immediately felt the tension drain out of him.
“He's drunk,Roy,” I said quietly. “Why don't you take him back to our room before he causes more trouble?”
“What about the kid?” he asked.
I looked over atKody , who was being cradled in Nick's lap. He was just starting to come to, so it didn't appear to be anything too serious. “I'll take care of him.”
“Okay, Jake,”Royagreed. I took a second to note that he'd finally gotten my name right. He dragged a loudly protesting Foster out the door.
Once they were gone, I turned my attention toKody and Nick. I knelt down next to them. “Hey, Kody ,” I said softly. “You okay?”
He tried to focus on me, but his eyes refused to cooperate. “Jake?”
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“Yeah.”
“There're two of you.”
“It's okay. Just relax.”
“I take it you two know each other?” Nick asked.
“Yeah, we've met.”
“I just met him today. He lives next door. I had no idea he was such a wild man.”
“I get the impression he isn't usually.”
“Hey, I'm in the room, people,”Kody slurred. “Don't talk about me like I'm not here.”
“Sorry,Kody .Hey Nick, Foster is my roommate so I feel a little responsible here. Why don't I take care of gettingKody here back to his room so you can get back to your party?”
“Sounds like a plan. That okay with you,Kody ?”
“Hm?Yeah, whateverJakie-poo says.”
“Jakie-poo?”Nick asked with a raised eyebrow. I shrugged. I was as confused as he was.
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Between the two of us, we managed to get the trashed kid more or less to his feet. He was leaning heavily against me, but I can't say I minded it all that much.Do not take advantage of this situation , I told myself sternly. We moved slowly towards the door, the other partiers considerately moving out of the way as we progressed. Nick let us out and we finally reached the hallway.
“Sorry about all this,” I said and Nick laughed.
“It's not your fault,” he said. “You're probably the only sober one involved. If you hadn't stepped in, we'd probably have a dead body on our hands. That big guy looked like he could do some damage. It was nice meeting you, though. Hey, maybe we can get together some other time under better circumstances.” He gave me a dazzling smile, and I definitely knew he was flirting this time.
“Er, uh, yeah, sure,” I stammered.
He smiled again. “You sure you can handle him?” He pointed toKody , who had wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder.
“Yeah.Taken care of.”
“Okay then. Just let me know if you need any help.”
“Thanks.”
He shut the door, leavingKody and me alone in the hall.
“Okay,Kody ,” I said to the dead weight at my side. “Let's get you into bed.”
He giggled. “Are you hitting on me?”
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I couldn't help but laugh too. “You wish.”
“Mmm,” was his ambiguousreply.
“Where's your key?”
“Pocket.”
He made no move to get it, so with a sigh I fumbled my hand into his pocket.
He giggled again and squirmed against me. This was causing a blood flow directly to my crotch. “You're making this hard,” I mumbled, and added under my breath, “No pun intended.” I managed to find the key and slid my hand out of his pants. I propped him against the door and held him up with one arm while I unlocked his door. He stumbled backwards as the door swung open. I caught him and pulled his body against me as I struggled to keep my balance. His arms went around my neck, his face only inches from mine.
I felt my face flush as I sincerely hoped he was too drunk to remember any of this in the morning. “Bedroom,” I croaked.
He pointed vaguely towards the back of the apartment. I looked around and realized it was a mirror image of Nick's apartment. I figuredKody's bedroom would be in the same place Nick's was, so I steered him in that direction after shutting the door with my foot.
We reached the door which I maneuvered open. I reached inside and found the light switch. Sure enough, it was the bedroom. He had a double bed; the impression of his body could still be seen in its sheets. I shuffledKody towards the bed until we'd reached its side.
“Okay, into bed,” I said.
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“Okay,” he agreed with a giggle and fell back, pulling me with him. We tumbled into his bed, his arms still around me.
“Kody, I should go,” I said, my voice uneven and my breath ragged.
“Stay,” he whispered.
Chapter 6
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Kody"
The music had toned down some. People of every description were scattered around the large living room milling about in clusters, talking, drinking, and laughing. I felt a bit out of place, not sure how I should conduct myself at what appeared to be a straight gathering. Suddenly, I felt a little conspicuous in my sartorial choices.
“Come on,Kody , let's get you a drink!” Nick said as he took me by the hand and pulled me through the crowd. Good thing he did too, because I would have lost him very fast in this crowd. I glanced at my surroundings, which wasn't much since there was this colossal guy blocking most of my view past a couple of feet. He was like a pillar of solid flesh. He turned in profile and I saw a low, heavy forehead that resembled a bulwark, complete withunibrow . His muscles rippled as he stretched his gargantuan body. Then again, everyone is huge at my height.
The man-mountain shifted and there was Jake, turned three quarters away from me and holding a glass of soda. His chest was outlined in a tight fitting blue polo that reminded me of clear blue skies. His head began to turn lazily in my direction, but Nick started moving again at that point, and I was tugged back into the sea of people.
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“Screwdriver?”Nick asked as we reached the alcohol.
“I'm not all that mechanical,” I replied. He smiled and mouthed smart ass at me before pouring me a drink. He handed it to me with a flourish and I sipped it carefully.Hey! This isn't bad! I began to drink it a bit more quickly while Nick and I exchanged basic information about each other-small talk really.
Suddenly, I was on my third-or was it my fourth?-drink, something called a Long Island Iced Tea, and boy, was that good too! I felt confused, and realized that Nick wasn't near me. I wondered if I bored him or something.
I turned, and my vision swam. Some guy with a face that looked like a jackhammer had run riot on him was laughing in front of me. His mouth looked amazingly huge, as if it could swallow planetary systems or something. I began to giggle, which made me lose my balance somewhat. I placed a hand on the counter in front of me to steady myself. I spotted Jake through a break in the sea of people. He was leaning against a wall, looking bored. I decided to go say hello to him and tried to walk.Wait... This might be more difficult than I thought.
I wobbled a bit,then stopped altogether to get my bearings.Wow, those drinks hit me fast. Who would have thought? It was just four...or was it six drinks? I looked up and watched Jake from across the room, his arms crossed over his chest and that hulking figure from earlier staying no more than two feet from him. I suddenly got the image of this guy on a leash moving in a precise two foot radius around Jake like the world's largest stray puppy. I began to giggle again and inhaled deeply as I tried to catch my breath, but Jake slowly straightened up as some blond girl stopped to talk to him. The Hulk hovered just at the edge of his invisible leash.
The girl was looking intently at Jake and speaking to him. I hated that. Seeing him here was almost like some divine plan peeking through for a moment. Then there's some girl to ruin it all and remind me that he's straight.God, I came here to forget him!
The stereo volume bumped up a couple of notches and a vaguely familiar song came on. Bump, bump, bump,then some words...Fly by Sugar Ray! Okay, I can get in to this! I began to dance a bit on my own, and old jackhammer face noticed and started to laugh. I ignored him and danced, singing along with the jacked up radio volume.
I mumbled the lyrics to myself, as much as I remembered of them. I am sure they were almost all wrong anyway. I spun on my own, oblivious to my surroundings. I felt fluid on the floor, twirling and
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feeling the air as it flowed across my skin. I twisted and turned, feeling my shirt fly open at the flaps and my undershirt ride up my stomach a tad. The song started to wind down into a quiet part, but I danced all the more. The blond chick that had been talking to Jake was now moving with me...well, in my general area anyway.
“Lookitthe little fag dance!” a voice rang out loud enough to be heard over the music. I followed the eyes of so many in the room that lead back to Jackhammer Face. I looked at him and he grinned at me drunkenly. “Go on fag. Dance till you puke.”
I felt an overwhelming need to hit something. People were laughing. It occurred to me later that they could have been laughing at this guy showing what a moron he really was, but right then it felt as though they were all laughing at me-and it wasall his fault. Nick had his arm and was trying to talk to him, but he was having none of it. He was getting loud with Nick, and shoved him hard away from him.
As a short guy, you can't really administer a beat down too often, but I was drunk and he didn't look so tall anymore. In fact, I was sure he'd shrunk since I began to drink. I charged him and was only a foot or two away when he noticed me. I jumped on him, like a small child who leaps into a father's arms. As fell to the ground, I tried to continue the jackhammer's work on his face.
I dropped five or six good shots on him while he struggled to extend his arms to hit me. I knew I needed to stay close on him or I was dead meat. My fists felt as if they were moving with Matrix-like speed, so I was quite surprised when I began moving away from goodol ' Jack.
Someone grabbed me from behind and tried to pull me away.No!If I could just get the right distance....
*** I dreamed of Jake-and I knew it was a dream because the girl he was probably banging right about now was nowhere to be seen. He was dressed as he had been at the party, and he told Nick he would take me home. I dreamed I leaned on him, feeling his firm body under my grip as I latched my hands around his neck and laid my head on his collar bone. I know,I know...it should have been his shoulder, but I'm short. This was a technically correct dream, apparently. Jake and I went into the hallway and Nick flirted with Jake. I think I bared my teeth at him, but I wasn't sure.
Jake took me to my room and asked for my key. All he had to do was ask, but I just giggled at him. At some point, I asked if he was flirting with me, but I don't remember what he said. He reached into my
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pocket, and it felt soreal . I squirmed under his touch and ground into him. It was amazing how real it felt, from the firmness of his body to the smoothness of the skin on his neck. Even the clean, fresh smell of his bare skin where my nose met his neck was perfect.
We got into my apartment and he asked me where my bedroom was. I pointed, not wanting to relinquish my hold on him. This dream had to be followed to fruition. We lurched into thebedroom, he flipped the light on and then told me to get into bed. I happily complied, dragging him down with me. He looked in my eyes and seemed to be breathing heavily.
“Kody, I should go,” he said.
“Stay,” I replied. I looked up at him and my dream already fading as exhaustion claimed me. I looked into his beautiful blue eyes. They were clear and bright, a sky blue that stood out so sharply they could have been cut from the sky itself. I began to sing to him, very softly.
“I have lost love. I have found love, in a world of broken dreams.” I think I tried to kiss him then, but it gets fuzzy there. I must have fallen into a deeper sleep, because if I kissed him I should desperately like to remember.
***
I was completely run down and my head felt like there were seventy-six trombones playing inside.Oh God, I'll never be able to watch `The Music Man' again. I rolled out of bed and instantly regretted it. I crawled to the bathroom and hung my head in the time-honored tradition of hung-over people everywhere. I had to admit, I felt better after emptying any remaining contents from my stomach.
After showering, I did feel somewhat near human. I walked out to my room to dress. The clock reported it was nowtwelve thirty sixand my stomach rolled over. I need coffee, and maybe a small scone. I dressed in sweats and a tee shirt with the VRU Red Rooster on the front. He was doing something obnoxious. All the shirts had something suggestive on them, which is funny sometimes, but not at the moment.
I locked my door and decided to ask Nick to go for coffee too, the least I could do for knocking out one of his guests. I knocked on his door, which elicited a muffled response that sounded like an annoyed, “What?”
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The door opened and I stood there, trying not to laugh at Nick who was sporting some very aggressive bed head. His mellow green eyes were somewhat bleary, and it was obvious he had been asleep.
“Um, hi, Nick. I stopped to see if I could buy you a cup of coffee?” I asked while schooling my features to neutrality.
“Coffee?That sounds good,” he mumbled.“C'mon in.” I walked into a true mess, cups, bottles and empty beer cans were abandoned thither and yon. A sheet was laying in the doorway from the bedroom to the living room. I tried to stifle a giggle but failed, which drew a sour look from Nick.
“Let me just grab a quick shower,” he said while dragging the sheet back into the bedroom. I walked over to his kitchenette and found a box of garbage bags. Opening one, I began to pick up some of the detritus that was strewn about courtesy of his guests. By the time he got back into the living room in sweats and a lacrosse sports top, I had picked up much of the used container population.
“Oh, thanks man. This place just needs to be hosed out!” he chuckled.
“Yeah, looks like it was a hopping good time,” I commented.
“Well, it did calm down after you beat on that guy a little.” He chuckled at the thought. “I never would have pictured it, but I think if I hadn't pulled you off of him, you might have inflicted some serious damage.”
“Oh, I am so sorry. That is so embarrassing, I usually don't drink,” I replied with my cheeks afire.
He smirked. “Yeah, your friendJakie-poo thought that was the case.”
“I didn't say that, did I?” I looked at him in dismay.
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“Yep, you sure did.” He smiled back.
“He didn't hear me, did he?”
“Well, I think he might have heard since you were on the floor and he was trying to help you stand at the time.” Nick grinned.
I squeaked.
“It didn't seem to bother him. I think he just figured you were drunk, you know? I mean, he still walked you back to your apartment last night.”
I gaped at him in growing horror. Oh my God! Jake had been in my apartment? It wasn't just a dream? Had he seen my deranged underwear purchases? Had he really been pulled into bed with me?
“Kody, you all right?You don't look very good.”
“I...oh my God.”I put my hands over my face as I pictured how uncomfortable a straight guy must have felt to have me, this raging queer, make a drunken pass at him.
“Kody, seriously, he didn't seem to mind. He seemed to think you were an okay guy. I mean, he took you home, right?”
“That's not the part that worries me,” I whined.
“I think he was kind of sweet on you. I mean, not just anyone will look out for a guy. You know?”
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“What?”
“I think he's gay. Does that freak you out? Cause if it does we aren't going to get along as neighbors.” Nick looked at me grimly.
“You're gay?” I asked.
“I'm not entirely straight.How's that?” Helaughed, a cold sound that held no amusement. His eyes searched my face, not that he had anything to worry about in terms of defending himself from me. I am sure he could beat me to within an inch of my life if he really wanted to.
I sighed in relief, and then looked at him with a squint. “Did you hit on Jake last night, when he was carrying me out the door?”
“I flirted,” Nick admitted. “You can't blame me. He's cute and he seems to be a decent guy. Like I said, he wanted to make sure you were okay, and it didn't sound like you guys had known each other for too long. So, good looking and good people...what's wrong with flirting?” He smiled at me and I couldn't fault his logic. “It would be different if you were dating, then I wouldn't except in fun, you know? Is Jake your boy?”
“Hold everything. Who said anything about me being gay?” I asked. Now let mebe clear, I wasn't asked directly. He was assuming. I'm not ashamed of who I am. If people ask, I'll tell them, but if they assume? They better have some proof!
“Well, I put two and two together. LikeJakie-poo , and the way you snuggled your head into his shoulder. Plus, when I flirted you bared your teeth at me.” Nick replied, ticking off the reasons on his fingers. Okay, so he had me. “So, is Jake your boy?”
“I wish, but after last night….Wait a second, he's straight!” I exclaimed.
“Oh no, friend of mine, he's bi at least. Can we go get coffee now?”
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“Yeah, sure,” I said as we exited his apartment. “But how can you be so sure?”
“He was flirting back a little. He blushed when I flirted, so he knew the score there. You have to watch people,Kody .” He threw his arm around me and we walked down the stairs and over to The Morning Rush. Mike was working that Sunday and he was bored out of his skull.
“Jesus, I'm glad to see someone!” he said. “This place is so fucking boring.” He poured the coffees and, since Nick was with me, they were on the house. We talked to Mike, who's an okay guy but nothing to write home about. I definitely didn't see the attraction Max had to him, except that he was uninterested in her. I think she was into the impossible relationships-then she couldn't get hurt.
Was I into that, too? Picking a straight guy?Or, according to Nick, abi guy. We sat at the table, lost in our own thoughts and just allowing the afternoon to pass by.
“So what are you going to do?” Nick asked.
“About Jake you mean?”
“No, the crisis in theMiddle East!Of course Jake!”He laughed at me.
“I'd rather solve the crisis in the middle east, thanks.”
He gave me an impatient look.
“I don't know. I mean, let's assume that he is bi, at least. I don't even know if he likes me,” I replied.
“Well, he must be able to tolerate you. He took you home, after all,” Nick reasoned.
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“That's another thing. I amso embarrassed about the way I acted last night. I don't fight! Look at me! Kindergartners see me and think, `Yeah I can take him'. On top of that...I am pretty sure I was a romantic drunk,” I sighed.
“You made a pass at him?”
“I don't remember. I'm pretty sure I said something silly. I know I was hanging off him like some love struck groupie and...I think I tried to kiss him.”
“You tried to kiss him?” I nodded. “Well?”
“Well what?”
“Did you suck his tonsils out? What do you mean `what'?”
“I…I don't know. I mean, I really would like to remember if I did….kiss him.”
“You can't remember if you kissed a hot guy or not? That's it, Shirley Temples for you from now on!” Nick laughed at me and I flipped him the bird.
“Okay, so let's say that he is interested. What then?” Nick seemed to enjoy playing devil's advocate.
“That is so unlikely. Besides how am I supposed to look at him after acting like that? If he was interested before, now he'll run screaming from the freaky kid that drinks too much.” I sighed.
“You don't know that, and I think it's safe to say from the looks he gave you that he might forgive you.”
“I don't know.”
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We walked back towards our apartment in relative silence, mulling over the sordid events of last night. I still felt foolish. We stopped in the video store, which displayed a pride flag in the window. They had a section of gay-themed movies so I filled out the necessary forms for a card.
Once we got home I went in and helped Nick get his apartment cleaned up before going home. I reached out to put the key in the lock when I saw a note tucked into the jamb of the door. I looked at it curiously, rent wasn't due and I couldn't think of a reason for there to be a note there. I opened it and scanned the hasty scrawls on the scrap of a receipt.
Kody, I just stopped to see if you were okay, you were a little drunk last night.
Jake
A little drunk? Was he paying attention? He thought enough to stop and see if I was okay, though. Maybe he just wanted to be sure I hadn't choked on my own puke, maybe it would make him responsible somehow. I opened my door and pulled off my shirt, tossing it on the back of the couch. I sat on the couch looking at the note. He stopped to see if I was okay.
Well maybe he wanted to check, just to cover his ass on liability. Let's be serious here, things never worked out for me, the one who always picked the guy that was taken or just wasn't interested. I stared at the note, the lines of the letters, and began to crumple it, only to stop and sigh in frustration. He cared enough to make sure I wasn't dead. I put the note in my pocket, not sure exactly why. Maybe as a solid reminder that there might be more to this than I thought.
I stayed home and read for the evening, just sprawled in bed. Classes started the next day, so I went to sleep fairly early. Plus, I was tired from my antics the night before and my churning thoughts from the day. As crazy as it sounds, Nick had given me a little spark of hope, this stupid little flame that made me think of Jake far after the lights went out. I wondered if my daydreams could ever be a reality. Time will tell, as my father would say. Chapter 7
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Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Jake"
I looked intoKody's gray eyes and fought for breath. My heart felt like it was trying to pound its way out of my chest. Had he just asked me to stay? At that moment, I wanted to do that more than anything. It felt so right just lying here in his arms, but I reminded myself that he was drunk. He didn't know what he was saying.
I opened my mouth to tell him I couldn't stay, but he cut me off when he suddenly started to sing. “I have lost love. I have found love, in a world of broken dreams.” The words made my heart skip a beat. Did he know what he was saying? Before I could react, he leaned forward in a clumsy attempt to kiss me. For one brief second of pure, startled perfection, his lips brushed against mine,then he dropped back onto the bed. He was out cold.
I just laid there next to him for a few minutes, watching him sleep. Any lingering doubts I'd had about his sexuality had been neatly cleared up with that kiss. I've learned from experience-I don't care how drunk you are-you don't kiss a guy unless you want to. I knew I should leave, but I just couldn't stop looking at him. He was so beautiful. I wanted to touch him so badly, just run my fingers across the soft skin of his cheek. I wanted to kiss his eminently kissable lips.
I'm falling for him, I realized with a lurch. I jumped up from the bed. This couldn't be happening. I barely knew him. I couldn't be falling for him. I backed out of the bedroom, pulling the door closed quietly behind me. I leaned my forehead against the coolness of the painted wood.What am I doing? I can't fall for this kid. We're so different. He's so innocent and pure. And I'm...not.
I turned around and looked around his apartment. It may have been laid out like Nick's, but the similarities ended there. Nick's apartment had been furnished with slick modern pieces that looked like they must have cost a fortune. It was attractive, but hadn't felt comfortable to me. In contrast,Kody's apartment was filled with obviously second-hand pieces, but it felt much more like a home. I noticed one odd note. For some reason I couldn't quite fathom, it seemedKody kept his dirty clothes hamper next to the front door. A shirt hung half-out of it where'd he probably carelessly thrown it after coming in from work. The thought of him walking around without a shirt sent shivers down my spine and I decided it was definitely time to leave. I let myself out of his apartment and carefully locked his door before pulling it closed.
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I walked slowly back to my building, thinking aboutKody and my feelings for him. It occurred to me that he'd been taking up an inordinate amount of my thoughts lately. What was I going to do? Was it worth the risk of rejection? I didn't know if I could stand to seeKody's face filled with disgust for me. Maybe it would just be easier to avoid him altogether. My thoughts careened wildly around and around my head, but I'd come to no conclusions by the time I reached my dorm.
I could hear Foster as soon as I stepped off the elevator on my floor. I paused and listened outside the door. From the sound of things, he was still very unhappy. I took a deep breath and opened the door. Roy and Foster both turned to face me as I stepped in. Foster's posture was aggressive, butRoy didn't seem too intimidated. Then again, I guess when you're the size of a mountain not much threatens you.
Foster immediately launched a verbal attack. “What the fuck were you doing?” he snarled at me. “I can't believe you two stuck up for that little fag.”
I wasn't in the mood to put up with his mouth. “Oh give me a break, Foster,” I shot back. “You're twice his size.”
“Hey, the fag started it! He jumped me.”
“No, you started it when you opened your big mouth.”
Roywas watching our exchange with an impassive expression, his big head swiveling back and forth as if he was watching a tennis game.
“What are you trying to say?” Foster demanded.
“I'm trying to say you acted like an ignorant bully.”
“The fag deserved...”
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“Stop using that word.”
“What word?Fag? Why? Are you some kind of fag lover?”
“Shut up, Foster. We're not having this conversation. You're an idiot when you're sober and you're even worse when you're drunk.”
An ugly look passed across his face, and I was suddenly very gladRoywas in the room. “Maybe you're a fag yourself,” Foster sneered. I ignored him and started getting ready for bed. Foster wasn't finished yet. “Is that it? My roommate's a fag?” I felt him come up behind me and stiffened.Roymoved closer as Foster grabbed my arm and spun me around, shoving me against my desk. “Are you a fag, Jake?”
“Foster, stop,”Royrumbled. Personally, I would have stopped just from the tone of his voice, but Foster was too far gone.
“Are you?”
Something inside me snapped. I looked him right in the eye and said, “Yes.”
Foster's fist drew back so fast I didn't have time to do more than flinch, but the blow never landed. Roymoved to intervene with a speed I'd never suspected he possessed. His knuckles connected solidly with Foster's face, actually sending him flying a short distance through the air before hitting the floor with a heavy thud. He didn't move. I stared down at him for a few seconds before glancing over atRoy. He was looking at Foster with a sad expression on his face.
“I didn't want to hit him,” he said.
“I know, but I'm sure glad you did.”
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He looked over at me. “Foster always gets mean when he gets drunk.”
I couldn't argue with that so I just nodded.Roypicked Foster up and laid him on his bed. “I don't think I should sleep in here tonight, just in case he wakes up and is still mad,” I said.
He nodded. “Where will you go?”
“I can probably stay onErin's futon again.” He blinked at me without comprehension. “I can stay with a friend.” He nodded again.
I pulled out some clothes from my dresser and stuffed them into my backpack. I didn't want to have to face Foster in the morning...or ever again, for that matter.
“Are you?”Royasked suddenly.
I stopped what I was doing and looked over at him. He was studying me closely, as if trying to figure something out.
“Am I what?”
“What Foster said?”
“A fag?”
“I didn't want to use that word after you yelled at Foster for saying it.”
“You want to know if I'mgay? ”
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He nodded.
I eyed his huge frame and thought about the damage he could do to me if he didn't like my answer. So far, he'd been a gentle giant when it came to his interaction with me, but I'd just watched him knock a big guy like Foster halfway across the room with a single punch. What could he do to me? “Does it matter?”
He shrugged. “Not really. You're still my friend no matter what. You're nice to me.”
I felt a pang of guilt at his words. I really hadn't been very nice to him. The fact that he thought I had been spoke volumes about the kind of treatment he must be used to. I decided I at least owed him the truth.
“Yeah, I'm gay.”
He smiled as if I'd confirmed something he'd suspected. “I thought so. You're sweet on that little boy, aren't you?”
I felt a flush creeping up my cheeks.“Kody?”
“Is he the one Foster punched at the party?”
“Yeah.”
“That's the one. You like him,dontcha ?”
“Yeah, I do,” I said and giggled as the surrealistic quality of this conversation struck me. The first person I tell about my crush is an enormous straight simpleton.
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Roy's smile grew. “Does he like you?”
I shrugged. “I don't know.”
“You should ask.”
“It's not quite that easy,Roy.”
“Why not?”
“It's not the same for guys like me as it is for you. You can just walk up to a girl that you like and ask her out. I can get beat up or even killed if I ask the wrong person.”
Roythought about it a second then slowly bobbed his head once. “Maybe if the guy is someone like Foster, butKody couldn't beat up a third grader.”
I laughed. “He took Foster down.”
“Onlycuz he was drunk and didn't expect the little guy to jump him.”
I looked over at Foster. The area around his eye whereRoyat hit him was swelling slightly and already starting to turn dark. He was going to have quite a shiner when he woke up.
“I should probably go before he comes to,” I said with a sigh. “I don't look forward to sharing a room with him in the future.”
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“You'll have to be careful now,”Roysaid. “I'll watch out for you when I'm around.”
I grinned. Just earlier tonight I'd thoughtRoyfelt like my bodyguard, and now he really was. That annoying Whitney Houston song fromThe Bodyguard suddenly popped into my head.
Royfrowned. “That little guy will need watching out for more than you, though.”
“You think Foster will mess with him?”
“He'sgonna be mad. He made him look bad in front of all those people.”
I hadn't even thought about that.Great.Just what I needed-something else to worry about.
“I'll watch out for him, too.”
I smiled atRoy. He really wasn't such a bad guy. I picked up my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. “So yeah, I guess I'll go see if I can stay withErin.”
“Okay. Do you care if I stay here tonight? I'll keep an eye on Foster.”
“That's not a bad idea. You can just take my bed.”
“Take it where?”
I laughed,then realized he wasn't making a joke. “Um, you can sleep in my bed.”
“Oh. Okay. Thanks.”
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I smiled atRoyagain. “No, thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being a friend.”
He looked surprised. “We're friends?”
“Hell yeah.You saved my neck tonight.”
A huge grin spread across his face. “Cool.”
“G'night,Roy.”
“Night, Jake.”
I slipped out of the room and went to see ifErin's futon was available. It was, and Erin, who was alone this time and still awake when I knocked on her door, was thrilled to have me spend the night again. “It'll be like a slumber party,” she squealed. We stayed up for a while, just talking and getting to know each other better. I even told her about the situation with Foster-she recommended I apply for a room change-and my crush onKody , which she thought was adorable. Finally, we both grew too tired to keep our eyes open and we fell asleep.
I was a little disoriented when I awoke the next morning. I sat up and remembered where I was, but Erinwas nowhere to be seen. I found my watch and checked the time. It was after ten! That was sleeping in late for me. I got up and found a note fromErinon my backpack.
Gone out for breakfast with Carlos.Help yourself to the shower.
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See you later, Erin
I took her up on her offer and jumped in the shower. She still wasn't back by the time I got dressed, so I left her a quick note thanking her for letting me stay,then went to get some coffee. I was secretly hoping to seeKody , but coffee was a good excuse.
I pushed open the door and was disappointed to see no sign ofKody . Max and the dark-haired guy I'd seen last night were working behind the counter. Max grinned as soon as she saw me.
“Well, if it isn't the Good Samaritan. Helped any old ladies across the street today?”
Max was a joker. I knew her type and I knew just how to play up to them. “No. Why? Did you need to cross the street?” I quipped with a wink.
Max threw her head back and let out a guffaw. “Oh yeah,” she said, wiping at her eyes. “I definitely like you, kid.”
“Call me Jake.”
“There're a lot of things I'd like to call you, but none I can say in front of Mike here.” She leaned over the counter and added in a stage whisper, “Virgin ears...”
I glanced over at Mike who looked quite bored with the whole exchange. He wasn't exactly Mr. Personality.
“So what can I get you?” Max asked.
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“A double shot of espresso, please.”
“Coming right up.”
She made my drink and I paid her for it. As she was getting my change, she looked up slyly. “So, have you given any thought to applying for a job here? We're still hiring.”
I accepted my change and receipt while I pretended to think about her question. “I'll let you know when I get that desperate.”
She stuck out her tongue at me and I was surprised to see she had a tongue stud. “I'll be sure to let Kody know you dropped in to see him,” she added with a smirk.
I must have looked startled because she started chortling again with the satisfied expression of one who has taken a shot in the dark and hit the bull's-eye. I let her have the last word and left with my coffee. It seemed I may have underestimated Max.
Was I really that transparent? If it was so obvious thatRoycould see it, I guess I was. I walked back to campus and decided to risk going back to my room. I listened at the door but didn't hear anything inside. I went in to find the room empty. I think it was the first time in days I'd opened my door without findingRoyinside. It was strangely empty without his presence.
I turned on my computer and signed online. I was chatting with friends from home when the door opened behind me. I jumped up as Foster walked in. He spotted me and a range of emotions flickered over his face, finally settling on sheepish. He was sporting a huge black eye, courtesy ofRoy.
“Hey, Jake,” he said softly.
“Um, hi, Foster.”
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“Look, I owe you a huge apology for last night. I was way out of line. I have a really bad temper when I'm drunk.”
I didn't know quite how to take this. What had happened last night was more than just a bad temper. “I, uh...it's nice of you to apologize but it still doesn't excuse what happened.”
“Yeah.You're right. It's just that I've never known any gay people before.”
I raised an eyebrow. “So that makes it okay?”
“No, that's not what I'm trying to say. It's just that... Okay, listen. When I get drunk, I get kind of...what's the word?Belli...belligernt?”
“Belligerent?”
“Yeah, that. My dad always said I get a big mouth. I didn't really mean to start a fight with that little...uh, punk. It wasn't really anything against him, you know? I just run my mouth. I didn't expect him to just jump me like that.”
“You just expected him to take it?”
He shrugged and had the grace to look a little ashamed.
“So what happened when I got back to the room? You tried to attack me too.”
He shifted his weight uncomfortably. “I'm real sorry about that, Jake. I guess I was just mad and was taking it out on you.”
“I don't think this rooming arrangement is going to work.”
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“Huh? Why? I said I'm sorry.”
“How do I know you won't decide to take it out on me again? Besides, you clearly showed that you're homophobic last night. I wouldn't think you'd want afag for a roommate.” He flinched as I used the word “fag”.
“I promise I won't take it out on you again. That was really stupid. And as far as sharing a room with...with you, like I said, I've never known any gay people before. You seem like a good guy, though. You haven't, like, hit on me or anything.”
“Trust me. I won't.”
“So yeah, I don't care if you stay.”
“Well, gee, Foster. I really appreciate you letting me stay and all, but that still doesn't guarantee me that the next time you get drunk, I won't end up as your punching bag.”
“I said I promise...”
“Foster, I used to drink. I know how long promises last when you get drunk. As long as you plan to continue to get drunk, you can't promise me anything.”
“I'm notgonna stop drinking. I mean, that's great that you did and all, but I don't have a problem.”
“You don't think that making homophobic comments, starting fights, and almost punching your roommate is a problem?”
“Hey, I told you I didn't start that fight!”
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“Foster, talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.”
“Why are you being such a prick? I said I was sorry, didn't I?”
“Apologizing isn't always enough. It's a start, but it has to be followed up by action or it becomes meaningless.”
“What do you mean?”
“If you say you're sorry, then turn around and do the same thing over again, what's the point? How many times will you say you're sorry? And how many times am I supposed to accept your apology?”
“You're not even giving me a chance. So far, I've only asked you accept my apology once because I've only screwed up once.”
Okay, the dummy has a point.“Yeah, okay,” I conceded. “I'll give you another chance. But if you screw up again, I'm out of hereand I'll report you to campus police. Your attempted assault on me last night was on campus and I doubt they'll be very tolerant.”
He blanched. “My dad will kill me if I get kicked out.”
“Then I suggest you don't screw up.”
I tried to go back to my IM conversations, but I was too distracted now. I needed to get out of the room. I said goodbye to everyone, shut down my computer, and decided to take a walk. “I'll be back later,” I said as I let myself out.
I started off walking aimlessly, but soon found myself standing in front ofKody's apartment building.I
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really should check on him , I told myself. I let myself in and felt my way up the dark staircase. I knocked onKody's door, but didn't get an answer. I tried knocking on Nick's door with the same result. Now I was a little worried.Kody hadn't been in great shape last night. Maybe I shouldn't have left. I felt in my pocket for something to write a note on. I found my receipt from The Morning Rush and a pen and jotted down a quick note letting him know I'd stopped by to check on him. I tucked it into the door jamb and left.
I still didn't want to go back to my room, so I went into the video store and filled out a membership application. They had a great gay-themed movie selection, including-much to my delight-my all-time favorite movie,Beautiful Thing . I snatched it off the shelf and rented it.
I walked back toErin's room and knocked on the door. She answered it right away.
“Hey,” she said with a bright smile as she let me in. “What are you up to?”
“Not much. I got a movie for us to watch if you're not doing anything.”
“Oh really?Is this payback forThe Princess Bride ?”
I laughed.“Only in a good way. I actually liked it. This is one of my favorite movies. It's called Beautiful Thing .”
“I've never heard of it.”
“I'm not surprised. It's a British movie. So, are you busy?”
“Nope.Should I call Carlos and see if he can come watch it with us?”
“Sure. The more the merrier.”
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“Cool. Let's make it a `last afternoon before classes start' party then.”
I laughed. “Sounds like fun.”
She called Carlos, then left saying she'd be back in a few minutes. I put the disc into theDVDplayer and got it ready while I waited. She was back before long, withToshi , Miranda, and Alex in tow. They'd each brought cookies or chips, and when Carlosarrived carrying sodas, it really began to feel like a party. AfterErinpopped some microwave popcorn, she announced that it was time for the show to begin. I decided it might be a good idea to warn everybody about the movie's gay content before we started watching it.
“Um, before we start watching the movie,” I began, “I guess I'd better warn you. Some of you may know this, but some of you may not. I'm gay and the movie is a gay romance.” Everyone sat staring expectantly at me as if waiting for me to continue.“Yeah. That's it.”
“So?” Miranda was the first to respond. “That's no big deal.”
“Yeah,” Alex agreed. “I'm cool.”
“What's the movie called? I've probably seen it,”Toshi chipped in.
“Uh,Beautiful Thing .”I don't know what kind of reaction I'd expected, but this wasn't it.
“Cool. That's a new one to me. Have you ever seenBut I'mA Cheerleader ?”
“Oh my God!I love that movie!” Miranda cried. “What aboutBilly'sHollywoodScreen Kiss?”
“Yes! Sean Hayes is fantastic!”
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“Okay,”Erininterrupted. “We can discuss the merits of other gay movies after we watch this one. Everybody shut up.” She started the movie and everyone settled down to watch. We had to pause it a few times while I translated the heavy Brit accents and slang, but when it was over, the verdict was unanimous. Everyone loved it.
Everyone started discussing gay movies again and it turned out that Miranda, a sophomore, was active in the GSA here. She wasn't gay, but her best friend in high school had come out to her and she'd been a gay rights advocate ever since. She invitedToshi , who told us he was bisexual, and I to go to a meeting with her once they started up. Erin and Carlos hadn't seen many gay-themed movies, except for the big ones likeThe Birdcage andIn & Out , but they were both very open-minded, as I'd already had the opportunity to find out. Alex just seemed to go with the flow. I got the impression that he would go along with pretty much anything. He had mastered that laid-back stoner attitude.
The party broke up fairly early since classes started the next day. When I got back to my room, Foster was gone again, which suited me fine. I got ready for bed, set my alarm just in case I overslept again, and fell asleep quickly. I woke up when he came in a few hours later, but he was quiet, and I was able to fall back asleep with no problem.
I awoke the next morning before my alarm went off, so I turned it off before going to take my shower. Once I was dressed, I grabbed the books I needed for the morning, and set out for coffee. I glanced in the window before going in and sawKody wiping down the tables. By the time I opened the door, all I saw was his tail end disappearing into the back room. Mike and Marla were behind the counter waiting on customers. Marla caught my eye and gave me a look I couldn't interpret.What the hell was going on? I wondered.Maybe I should just find another coffee shop.
I ordered my coffee and Marla handed me a cup while Mike rang me up. I poured myself some java and sat down at a table to wait forKody to reappear. Eventually, my coffee was gone, and it became obvious thatKody wasn't going to come out as long as I was here. For all I knew, he'd ducked out the back door. Either way, I couldn't sit around waiting all day. My first class was starting soon and I wanted to leave myself plenty of time to find it.
My first class was English Lit. I thought it would turn out to be pretty interesting. The professor was a short, wiry man with energy to spare. He bounced around the front of the room, guaranteeing that he would keep things lively, if nothing else. He ended the class by giving us a list of required reading. I took my list to the library to see if I could find any of them there. I managed to find several of them, but I only checked out two. I figured that was all I could reasonably read in the next few weeks between homework and a social life. Plus, the other class members would need some books too.
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By the time I left the library, it was just about lunch time, so I headed for the cafeteria. The lunch special was chicken strips and fries, so I helped myself and looked for a table. I spottedRoyeating alone off to one side and decided to join him. He looked up and smiled as I approached.
“Hey, Jake,” he greeted me.
“Hey,Roy.”
“I didn't know if we'd still be friends today.”
“Why wouldn't we be?”
“I thought maybe you were just being nice last night because I hit Foster for you.”
I managed not to laugh. “No, that's not the only reason we're friends.”
“Cool.”
We ate in silence for a few minutes beforeRoysuddenly grunted. “Hey, isn't that your boy?” he asked.
I looked up in time to seeKody dropping his tray off at a trash can and practically running from the cafeteria. “What was that about?” I wondered aloud.
“Idunno . He saw us and took off,”Roynoted.
I sighed.So that's the story, huh? He's avoiding me. “He's probably embarrassed about the other night,” I said.
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He shrugged. “Why should he be embarrassed? He got a couple good shots in before Foster clobbered him. As little as he is, he shouldn't be embarrassed that he went down with one punch.”
“There's more to it than that, but I really can't go into it.”
He gave me a grin. “Oh.Gay stuff.”
I laughed.“Yeah, gay stuff.”
We finished eating andRoyleft for his next class. I sat at the table for a few more minutes wondering what to do aboutKody . He'd given me the perfect reason not to pursue him. I could walk away now and no one could ever blame me. I would never have to tell him about my past.
Presented with this out, however, I found I didn't want it. With a sudden, surprising clarity, I realized I wanted to be withKody . I wanted to hold him in my arms and feel his lips against mine again. My breathing quickened just thinking about it. The idea of telling him about my past still terrified me, but I knew now that I couldn't just let him walk away. I was going to pursue him. If he wanted to tell me to get lost, that's what he'd have to do, but he'd have to tell me to my face.
Decision made, I left for my next class with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. The chase was on.
Chapter 8
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Kody"
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I got to the store at five-thirty in the morning to find Max had not arrived yet. I stood outside in the brisk first light. It wasn't quite cold enough for my breath to plume, but it wasn't off by much. I had dreamed of Jake last night. I had been home when he stopped to check on me, and we'd sat on the couch and talked and talked. He kept saying what a nerd I was, and how I shouldn't drink so much.
“I amso tired!” Max said as she approached. I smiled and she rolled her eyes while grinning. She was always cheerfully complaining, just as she was perennially tired. “I hate being up this early. Who really needs coffee this early?”
“I know. How can anyone be cheerful this time of day?” We got inside and Max headed for the office while I hung up my coat. The coffee pots were all clean and ready to go. I broke open the coffee packets to start that morning's brew.
“Don't forget the hot chocolate!” Max called out. She poked her head out of the office.“Oh,Kody ! Oh my God! Let me tell you what happened. My sister issuch a whore.” I burst out laughing. “I'm serious,” she continued. “I was on the phone with her last night and she was telling me about her new boyfriend, right? So I asked her what her boyfriend does for a job. She said, `doing meis his job'. How much of a pig can she be? After I got a good look at him, all I could think was that he'd be on the unemployment line soon `cause honey, there is not enough down there to keep her happy very long!” I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my cheeks.
“Max, that is just wrong.” I choked.
Marla walked in just then. “What's wrong?” she asked.
So Max told her the story. She had to-I was laughing too hard to say anything. Mike walked in to complete the morning crew and caught us all laughing like idiots.
“What's so funny?” he asked.
“Max's sister is a slut,” I said and burst out laughing.
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“No, worse!She's a whore!”Max said and we were all laughing again.
Customers began to filter in and we were soon filling orders at a rapid pace. My first class was atnine o'clockand before I knew it, it was eight-fifteen. I went out to wipe down tables before leaving when I saw Jake through the window. I scampered back to the manager's office like a scared rabbit.
“What are you doing?” Max asked from her chair. She was doing payroll on the computer and also had the phone in her hand.
“Um, first day.I'm not sure where the classroom is. Can I go ahead and go now?” I asked as I grabbed my coat from the hook and replaced it with my apron. I grabbed my book bag and smiled at Max while she nodded her head distractedly. I glanced out to where Jake stood with his coffee, before ducking out the back door. I couldn't to face him right then.
I went down the alleyway and paused at the corner of the building. I could see Jake in the front window with his coffee cup, peering towards the back of the store. I turned quickly and darted up the sidewalk heading to my first class.
Basic English must be one of the most boring subjects known to man. I can speak and write English pretty well, but I can't diagram a sentence to save my life. I was so bored with the droning that I spent most of my class time looking around and studying my classmates. After that double session of English, and receiving my homework assignment, I had an hour break for lunch. I headed over to the cafeteria and had my meal card swiped at the entryway. I walked through slowly and checked out my lunch options.
I settled on a cheeseburger with some fries, and a coke to round it all out. I started into the dining room and immediately ducked behind a pillar. Jake was eating with the incredible hulk from the party. What was he, his bodyguard? I set my tray down on top of the garbage can and grabbed its contents, darting for the door. I looked over my shoulder once and wondered if I had been spotted when I darted out.
I sat in the hallway and ate as I waited for the appointed hour for Western Civilization. As I was sitting there, the SS Mountain of Flesh cruised into view. I was a little surprised. I thought he might need directions from Jake just to breath. He looked down at the front of his notebook, and I imagined he had a list from Jake on the front:Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
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I sat quietly, schooling my face to neutrality and pretending to read so I didn't get stomped in the hallway. He passed the window set in the wall opposite me and blocked out the sun. Well, at least he was good for shade. After a moment, I realized that I was still in shade. I looked up from my book to find he was staring down at me with what could almost be called a thoughtful expression on his unlovely face.
“You hit Foster at the party the other night,” he grunted.Oh shit! He was friends with the guy I went after!
“I really don't remember,” I said quietly.
“He deserved it,” he rumbled while shrugging his shoulders.
Atlas Shrugged, I thought crazily. “I don't usually fight,” I replied.
He continued to look at me in silence, and I grew uncomfortable with his gaze on me. “Is there something I can do for you?” I asked.
“Nope.”
“Um, ok.” I tried to look away, but feeling as though a spotlightwere on me.
“You're Jake's friend?” he asked. I jumped and looked up at him sharply.
“Not really. He buys coffee at the place where I work.”Why would he ask about that?
“Jake's a good guy.He's nice to me. Maybe I'm not smart, but I know good people.”
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“Um, why are you telling me this?” I asked, trying not to be nervous. It wasn't easy. He was intimidating just standing there, and I certainly didn't want to piss him off.
“I don't know. Jake's my friend and he helped you the other night, so I guess he's yours, too.”
The door to the room I was waiting for opened up, and people poured out as their class ended. I stood up and nodded to the big guy before heading in to find a seat. I took a seat near the back so I could observe everyone else. The seat next to me creaked and I looked to see the hulk settling into it.Oh no! We have the same class and he's sitting next to me! I think he likes me.
I was distracted as the class began. Our professor was a man who truly loved his work, and I found myself drawn into the class quite easily. He assigned reading and chapter questions due back for Wednesday's class, which I noted, and we were dismissed.
“You work in a coffee place?” Mountain Man asked me.
“Yeah,” I replied.Oh god, please tell me he isn't a caffeine freak.
“Working tonight?” he asked.
“No,” I said with some relief. “Two days off.”
“Oh, enjoy them.” he said with a smile that showed large square teeth that looked made for crushing gravel. I smiled weakly as he levered himself from the seat and ambled out the door. I headed to my last class of the day, Basic Algebra. All I can say is that math will always suck, and I hope I don't have more than one of these classes to take for my diploma.
I decided not to chance the cafeteria in case Jake was eating. I headed for home, stopping on the way to get some take out from a Chinese place. I let myself into my apartment building, near total darkness enveloping me as soon as the door closed behind me. A door opened on my landing, letting some light filter in.
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“You talk to Jake today?” Nick asked from his doorway. He was silhouetted in the light from inside his apartment.
“No,” I replied.
“Chicken.I don't want to hearCherand that song for the broken hearted shit coming from your side of the wall,” he laughed. “Did you bring me some dinner too?” he asked. “Where's mine?”
“I left it across the street, about a block up. Chinese place,” I replied with a grin at him.
“That smellsgood, I'm going to go get some.” He ducked back into his apartment and I headed into mine. I put my food on the counter and pulled my shirt off, tossing it in the hamper. I sat on the couch with my food, picked up myWesternCivbook, and began to study while I ate. About an hour and a half later the phone rang and I answered it.
“Hello?” I waited as silence met my enquiry. I tried again, but got no answer and hung up.Assholes.
The phone rang again and I picked it up. “Hello?” Once more there was no answer, and I muttered something about people with nothing better to do as I hung up. When the phone rang for the third time, I was ready to scream. I picked up the phone and growled into it.
“If you don't stop, whoever you are, I am going to get a caller ID box and file a complaint against you with the police!”
“Um,Kody ?”
My cheeks lit up, and I gasped, “Charlie?”
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“Yeah,” he giggled. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing, Charlie. What's up? I didn't expect to hear from you,” I said, changing the subject.
“I was just wondering how you were doing for underwear, since dad still has the box sitting on his desk to send you.”
“Gee, thanks, Charlie. If you left them in my bag to start with, I wouldn't have gone out to get more yesterday.”
He giggled. “So are you still hung up on the straight guy?”
“Why do I like you again?” I asked and he laughed again.
“So are you?”
“Well, I...yeah, I am,” I admitted.
“That sucks,Kody . Why are you still hanging on? Usually you get over these things pretty fast once you find out what the deal is.”
“Well, Charlie, it's like this. The guy is so cute. And he's so freaking nice to me. He even helped me last night after I had too much to drink,” I said.
“You were drinking?” Charlie asked in a stage whisper. Obviously my father was somewhere in the vicinity.
“Yeah,” I admitted, “and I paid for it yesterday.”
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“Did you get a hangover?” he asked with curiosity.
“Yeah, a bad one.Threw up and everything, just like dad said I would.”
Charlie giggled. “What does that have to do with this guy?” he asked.
“Well, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.”
“Oh my God!What did you say?”
“I think I tried to kiss him.”
“Holy shit!Can this get any worse?”
“Yeah, I'm afraid so. He had this huge guy who is like a stunt double for Arnold Schwarzenegger standing around him all night. Well, he came to talk to me today.”
“Why is that bad?”
“Let's just say he has a glorious lack of sophistication.”
“Well, he could have other qualities that make him cool,” Charlie suggested through his giggles.
“Yeah, he probably bites the heads off live chickens-very cosmopolitan.”
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“Is he friends with the straight guy?”
“Jake. His name is Jake, and yes, he does seem to be his friend.”
“Well, unless Jake had really bad taste in people, then this guy is probably okay, right? I mean, I would be more worried about his judgment if he liked you.” Charlie laughed at me, an unending stream of giggles and snorts, until I told him goodbye and hung up on him. Anyone thinking about having kids should do the world a favor and stop at one.
The phone rang again and I grabbed the phone in a fury, “Charlie why don't you wait until I get home to make fun of me, you asshole?” I said loudly.
Silence greeted me and I growled in frustration as I hung up. I stalked over to Nick's apartment as my phone began ringing again.Jerks.
I knocked on Nick's door and he answered, looking at me in a bewildered fashion. “I'm sick of phone calls, and I'm sick of studying. You want to go to a movie or something?” I asked.
“Um, sure.Do you want to take a minute and get dressed first?” he asked with a smirk. I looked down to see I was still shirtless.
“Oh, uh, yeah.”I started back towards my room when Nick giggled and called out to me.
“If you showed up on Jake's doorstep like that, you might get his feelings sorted out.” He laughed out loud, and I fixed him with a glare.
“Maybe I should stay in and just unplug the phone.”
“Hurry up,” He smirked and ducked into his apartment. I grabbed a shirt and met Nick in the hallway. “Let's go get your mind off Jake.”
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Oh God!
*** Over the next two days, I repeatedly ran into the hulk, orRoyas I later leaned his name to be. He was everywhere I went. He became a constant shadow in the few basic classes I had with him. He seemed to be quite comfortable dwarfing me, though I wondered what his purpose was exactly. Eventually, I discovered at least one reason he was hanging around me.
One afternoon, I saw Jackhammer Face looking at me from a bench, glaring, with one eye all purple and black.Wow! Did I do that? I didn't even have a mark on me. I tried to remember his name.Royhad mentioned it the first day he talked to me, but it wouldn't come to me. He glared untilRoyglowered at him and then he found something interesting elsewhere.
“So, are you my bodyguard now?” I asked him.
“He's mean. You're not,” he said, as if that explained the universe in general.
I ducked Jake all week, including one day when I had nothing more between me and him than Roy, who was waving and calling to Jake from across the quad. I could fade away behindRoyand no one was going to see me for about a million miles.
Thursday morning had me waiting in front of the Morning Rush bright and early, and unhappy at being awake. An Economics assignment had kept me up half the night, basically because the text was so dry it practically self-combusted near any form of light. I stood with a cup of hot coffee in my hand while I tried to keep my eyes open.
“You look bright-eyed this morning,” Marla commented as she approached the front door, keys in hand.
“Economics,” I replied. She gave me a knowing nod. She unlocked the door, and we set about getting the store ready to open. I was pleased to see Nick come in to get his morning coffee.
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“Mornin',Kody ,” he mumbled. I smiled at him. He was cute when he was sleepy.
“Morning, Nick. How are you?” I replied in as chipper a voice as I could manage. He eyed me evilly and ordered his coffee. After he left, we got a busy rush of people. My first class was at eleven on Thursdays, so Marla and I would be working together all morning. As things fell off a little after nine, she ducked out back for a cancer stick while I wiped down the counters. I sawRoy's shadow before he actually made an appearance. When I saw that Jake traveled with him, I practically sprinted to the back door before he could see me. I popped outside to find a surprised Marla.
“What?” she asked.
“Jake just walked in there,” I gave her pleading eyes.
“Is he the cutie-patootiewe've been talking about?” She smiled, and I nodded my head in fear.
“You are too funny,” she said
She went inside to deal with our new customers while I put my head between my knees and tried not to be sick. I was thankful that Max wasn't the one working with me. I figured I was pushing my luck with her. It was about all I was grateful for right now, the stress of avoiding Jake was getting just a bit ridiculous. Maybe I should just stop worrying about him. It's not like he knows I am interested in him anyway.
My shoulders slumped as I wistfully thought of being with Jake, hand in hand somewhere private where he would hold me while the sun set behind us. Ocean waves would roll on the beach, and sand would scrunch beneath our bare feet. His strong arms wrapped around me and the shadow of a palm tree would cover us.
Wait! I wasn't imagining that shadow.
Chapter 9
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Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Jake"
Homework on the first day of college-how wrong is that? I sat at my desk that night writing a paper for Philosophy. I was undecided about this class. My first assignment seemed a little daffy. The professor, a frumpy middle-aged woman with thinning hair and a lazy eye, gave us three lines that sounded like the beginning of a bad joke: “Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!” “I don't believe there is, sir.” “I'm sorry, but I know there is.”
Our assignment was to explain what the diner means when he says, “I know there is” and then explain the difference between belief and knowledge. It was about as exciting as it sounded. I'd gotten a huge cup of coffee from the cafeteria at dinner which I'd been nursing ever since, warming it in the microwave when it cooled off. The caffeine was the only thing keeping me from slipping into a coma.
When I heard a key in the lock, I welcomed the distraction even if it meant dealing with Foster. I was relieved to seeRoypoke his head around the corner. He smiled when he saw me.
“I was hoping you'd be here,” he said. “Are you busy?”
“I'm working on a Philosophy paper, but I could use a break. What's up?”
He came into the room and dropped onto Foster's bed. “Kodyhas the next two days off.”
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“Um...okay. How exactly do you know that?”
“He told me.”
“He...told you? Did he just walk up to you and volunteer that information?”
“I asked him.”
“You asked him? Why?”
“I was trying to find out for you.”
“For me?But...you...I...” I sputtered. “You didn't tell him that did you?”
He shook his head. “`Course not.”
I sighed with relief. “So what does knowing his work schedule do for me anyway?”
He looked at me as if I was missing the obvious. It must have been a treat for him to be on that side of the look for a change. “He won't be at the coffee shop so you'll have to look for him at home.”
“How do you know I want to look for him?” I asked a tad defensively.
He rolled his eyes. “Why are you pretending you don't like him?”
“It's complicated.”
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“And I'm too dumb to understand?”
“I didn't say that!”
“But it's what you mean.”
“No, it isn't. Okay, I'll try to explain, but I don't really understand it completely myself. I've never had any problem finding dates, butKody is different. I really like him. He's sweet and innocent.”
“So?”
“And I'm not.”
“Not what?”
“Sweet and innocent.”
“You're really nice. You're nice to me and you helpedKody when Foster punched him.”
“That's not the same thing. Look,Roy, I did some really horrible stuff when I was younger-stuff that I don't necessarily want people here to know about, especiallyKody .”
“Then don't tell him.”
“That's just it. I don't want to lie to him either.”
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“It's not lying if you don't say anything about it.”
“It's lying by omission.”
He frowned. “Maybe you're right. Maybe I can't understand this.”
I sighed. “I'd be lying simply by not telling the truth. I don't want to start a relationship with someone based on a lie.”
“So tell him the truth.”
“What if he can't stand the truth and decides he doesn't want to see me any more?”
He shrugged. “What if he doesn't care? Maybe he'll just like you for you, and not what you did before.”
I blinked. Was that wisdom flowing from the tongue of my massive friend?
“I think you should call him,” he said.
“I don't have his number.”
He frowned. “Can you get it?”
“I wouldn't know how.”
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“I'll get it for you.”
“No! That's okay,Roy. Besides, what would I say if I did call him?”
He shrugged again. “You could ask him out or something.”
“I guess I could just say I'm checking in to see how he is. I haven't seen him since the party.”
Roybrightened up. “That's a good idea.”
“But how do I get his number?”
“Idunno . You could ask someone.”
“But who?”I thought a moment and a possibility occurred to me. “Hang on, I have an idea. I'll be right back.”
I ran down to the first floor.Erinwas on duty tonight so that meant she'd be in the lobby sitting at her shabby little desk, probably watching TV. Sure enough, that's where I found her.
“I need a favor,” I said.
“Yes, you can have my kidney,” she said without looking away from the TV.
“Great. I appreciate it. Now, do you think you can get a phone number for me?”
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She glanced over at me. “Would this be the phone number of a certain coffee shop clerk?”
I grinned.“Got it on the first guess.”
“What dorm is he in?”
“He lives off campus.”
She frowned. “Sorry. That's outside my jurisdiction. You'll have to lobby a higher court.”
“Oh come on,Erin.”
“No, really.I can't get the numbers of people off campus. The office would have it, but they won't give it to me without a good reason.”
“What would be a good reason?”
“I don't know, Jake. It's never come up.”
“Don't you know anyone in the office?”
She thought a minute.“Maybe. Let me call my friend Diana. She might be able to help me.” She picked up the phone and dialed. She asked for Diana then quickly explained what she needed. They talked for a few seconds,then she put her hand over the mouthpiece and turned to me. “She'll help. What's his name?”
“Kody...Shit! I don't know his last name!”
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Erinrolled her eyes.“Never mind, Diana.”
“No wait!” I said. “I have another idea. Ask her to look up Nick Pederson. That's his neighbor.”
“You know his neighbor's full name but not his? What kind of stalker are you?”
“Just ask!”
Erinrelayed the name and waited a few seconds before jotting down a number on a notepad. “Thanks, Diana. I owe you.” She hung up, ripped off the sheet of paper, and handed it to me. “There you go. You owe me.”
I gave her a big hug and ran back up to my room.
“Did you get it?”Royasked.
“Not exactly, but hang on.” I picked up the phone and dialed the numberErinhad given me. It rang twice and then Nick answered.
“Hey, Nick. This is Jake.”
“Hey, Jake.What's up?”
It occurred to me that I couldn't very well just ask forKody's phone number and hang up. I'd better at least attempt to make conversation. “Not much.How about you?”
“Not much here, either.Just finishing up some school work.”
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“Bummer.I know what you mean. I'm swamped already and it's only the first day.” He laughed. “So how'd the party go after I left?”
“Well, it was certainly less entertaining without Foster andKody there.”
“Yeah, uh, I was calling aboutKody actually.”
“Oh really?”
“I was, um, just wondering if you haveKody's phone number. I wanted to check in on him since I haven't seen him since the party.”
I thought heard a chuckle, but I wasn't sure. “Yeah, hang on. I think I might have it around here somewhere. I'm pretty sure the landlord made some sort of phone tree in case of emergencies. Ah, here it is.Kody Kingsley.” He rattled off the phone number, which I scribbled on the same sheet of paper as Nick's number.
“Thanks,Nick.” We said goodbye and I hung up,then quickly dialedKody's number before I could lose my nerve.
It only rang once before I heard him pick up. “Charlie, why don't you wait until I get home to make fun of me, you asshole?” he screamed into the phone. I jerked the phone away from my ear. Apparently, I'd caught him at a bad time. I was trying to think of something say when the phone suddenly slammed down in my ear. I hung up.
“Why didn't you say anything?”Royasked.
“I think it was a bad time.”
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“You should call back later.”
“Maybe I will,” I said, but doubting I would. I tucked the numbers away in the desk drawer. I wondered who Charlie was. Could he be a boyfriend? Maybe they were having a fight. I shook my head. There was no point speculating. “I guess I'll get back to work on that paper,” I toldRoy.
He nodded. “Okay, Jake. I'll leave you alone. Good night.”
He ruffled myhair, making me feel like I was five again, then let himself out. I turned back to my paper. What was the difference between knowing and believing? I believed I was falling forKody , but I didn't know if he even liked me.
*** The next few days were spent settling into my new routine, figuring out my classes, and trying to catch up toKody . The kid really should consider signing up for theCIA. He would make a great spy with his uncanny ability to give me the slip. I even tried knocking on his door a few more times, but either I never caught him home or he just didn't answer the door. Since he had a few days off, I couldn't even corner him at work-not until Thursday anyway.
First thing Thursday morning, I headed down to The Morning Rush for my daily caffeine fix. I ran into Royas I came out of my dorm and he decided to accompany me. As we entered the coffee shop, I saw the now familiar view ofKody's backside slipping out the door.
“This is getting ridiculous,” I sighed.
“What is?”Royasked.
“He's avoiding me. Every time he sees me he takes off running. Maybe it's time I just face the fact that he doesn't want anything to do with me.”
“He's embarrassed,” someone said. I looked up to find Marla coming through the door.
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“Huh?” I responded wittily.
“Kody.He's embarrassed about the other night. That's why he's avoiding you.”
I was surprised thatKody had confided in her, and even more surprised that she would tell me this. “Oh.”
“Look,” she said, leaning across the counter on one elbow. “I've been watching you two and it's starting to drive me crazy. I've seen the way you look at him and it's obvious to everybody butKody that you're crazy about him. I think this whole cat and mouse game is starting to get to him, so why don't you just go out there and talk to him?”
“I...Are you sure?”
Marla rolled her eyes and grinned. “Yes. Go on out the back door. You've been behind the counter before and Max isn't around to catch you this time.”
Suddenly, I wasn't so sure I wanted to do this. If I confronted him, something would have to happen between us. Either he'd reject me flat out, or we'd take a step towards each other. If it was the latter, then I'd have to make a decision about what to tell him about my past.
When I didn't move right away,Roygave me a not-so-gentle push towards the counter. I stumbled forward a few steps and glared back at him. He responded with a huge gap-toothed grin. He'd gotten me started though, and now that I was moving, I was able to keep going. I slid past Marla, who gave me an encouraging smile, and went through the door. It opened into a small office area, which in turn had a door that led into the back alley behind the coffee shop. I opened that door to findKody sitting on the ground, his knees drawn up to his chest and his head buried in his arms.
“Kody?”
His head snapped up and his eyes grew huge. He scrambled to his feet, and for a second I thought
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he was going to run away.
“Kody, wait! I just want to talk to you. Stop avoiding me!”
He stood still, but eyed me warily. I had the feeling that he'd still take off at the slightest provocation. “How'd you get back here?” he asked.
“Marla told me tocome talk to you.”
He shot a murderous glance in the direction of the door.
“She also said that you were embarrassed about the other night.”
“Oh, for God's sake!I'll never tell her anything again!”
“Actually, I'm glad she did. I was about to give up on trying to talk to you. You've been avoiding me all week. I thought maybe you just didn't like me.”
He looked down as two spots of red began to grow on his cheeks.
“Hey, you have no reason to be embarrassed.”
“Oh, right. I only got drunk, acted like an idiot, started a fight with a much bigger guy, got knocked out, then pulled you into...” He broke off as his face burst into a full blaze of red.
I shrugged. “It happens to everybody.”
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He gave a derisive snort.“Right.”
“Okay, well, maybe not the exact same thing, but everybody who has ever gotten drunk has embarrassed themselves at one point or another. It comes with the territory. I could tell you some real horror stories, trust me. That's the whole reason I don't drink anymore.”
He looked at me skeptically. “I can't believe you've ever done anything stupid.”
If you only knew, I thought as I looked away with shame. “You don't know me very well,Kody . I've done a lot of stupid things in my life, things I deeply regret now-things that make what you did look like nothing.”
He had a curious expression on his face now. “Like what?”
I gulped. I'd set myself up for that. I searched for a fairly innocuous anecdote. “Okay, um, one time I hit on this guy at a club. He shot me down, and a few days later, on the first day of school, I found out he was one of my teachers.”
Kody'smouth dropped open,then a giggle escaped. I was encouraged, so I tried another one.
“Another time, I was at a party at someone's house and managed to lock myself in the bathroom. They had to take the doorknob off to get me out.”
He laughed out loud.
“Once I was so drunk, I climbed up on top of a coffee table and did a striptease. Someone stole all my clothes and I had to wear a blanket home.”
Kodywas leaning against the wall laughing by now. “Okay, you win,” he giggled. “No wonder you stopped drinking.”
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I smiled, but my thoughts turned dark all of a sudden as I thought about the real reason I'd gone into rehab. Waking up after an almost fatal overdose with a gun in your hand and a dead body on the bed is enough to scare anybody sober.
Kodynoticed the change in my expression. “What?”
I shook my head and pasted the smile back on. “It's nothing. Will you quit running away from me now?”
He nodded and gave me a shy smile, and my heart beat a little faster. I suddenly felt self-conscious and awkward.
I glanced down at my watch. “I'd, uh, better hurry up and get my coffee if I'm going to get to class on time.”
Kodynodded and indicated the door.“After you.”
We were the center of attention as we came back into the coffee shop. Roy and Marla were watching us with curious expressions.
“Everything okay?”Marla asked.
“Yes, Ms. Busybody, everything is okay,”Kody replied with an affectionate grin.
Marla grinned back. “Good. Now get back to work. If you think I'm going to pick up your slack all day you've got another think coming.” She turned to me. “And you had better get out from behind the counter before Max decides to pop in. It might be her day off, but she can't stay away from this place.”
I quickly scuttled out from behind the counter and placed my order.Kody fixed it for me and handed
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it over with a smile. I smiled back and congratulated myself on breaking the ice between us-with Marla's help and a little push fromRoy, of course.
“So, did you ask him out?”Royasked as we left the shop.
I spun around to make sure the door was shut andKody hadn't heard. It was, but he was watching us from behind the counter. He gave a little wave, and I waved back.
“No, I didn't ask him out.”
“Why not?”
“It wasn't the right time. I just cleared the air between us so he'll stop avoiding me.”
“You were scared.”
I shrugged.“That too.”
*** I only have two morning classes on Friday, so I used the afternoon to catch up on some assignments. You can only stay in your room for so long, though. I got fidgety by mid-afternoon and gave up trying to read the boring Philosophy text book. I went down to see whatErinwas doing. I ran intoRoyin the hall.
“Hey, Jake,” he said.
“Hey,Roy.What's up?”
“Not much. I have a class soon but I wanted to ask you something.”
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“Ask away.”
“There's a block party at the park tonight. I wanted to see if you wanted to go with me. Some band is playing, and I thought it sounded like fun.”
I fluttered my eyelashes at him. “WhyRoy, are you asking me on a date?”
“I...huh?No!” He looked very flustered. “I'm not gay. I just...”
“It'sokay,Roy,” I interrupted with a laugh. “I was just kidding. What time?” Not that it mattered-I didn't have any plans anyway.
He told me the details and we made plans to meet and walk over together.
He left to go to his last class, and I went to findErin. I hung out with her and Carlos until she had to go on duty. I invited Carlos to go to the block party, but he begged off saying he wanted to keepErin company. I went up to my room and found it empty. Foster was spending less and less time in the room since his girlfriend had arrived. I still hadn't met her yet, but I liked her already-just for keeping Foster out of my hair. Since I had the room to myself, I decided to get ready early so I wouldn't have to dress in front ofRoyagain. I pulled out a pair of low-rise jeans and chose a blue short-sleeved shirt that laced up at the neck. I tend to wear a lot of blue because I've been told it brings out my eyes.Ah, vanity, thy name is gay boy... I giggled as it occurred to me that I was getting dressed up to go out withRoy. “Always look your best” was a creed I lived by. You never know who you'll run into.
Once I was ready, I read some more of my Philosophy book untilRoyknocked on the door. He let himself in as I stood up.
“You look nice,” he told me. I still wasn't used to receiving compliments on my appearance from this behemoth.
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“Um, thanksRoy. You, uh...look good too.” Actually, he did look good-for him anyway. He was wearing a polo shirt that stretched tight across his massive chest showing off his considerable muscles, and a pair of khakis. “Maybe you'll meet a girl at the concert.”
He grinned. “Yathink?”
“Never know. Stranger things have happened. You could meet a nice Viking girl or an Amazon woman.”
His brow furrowed with confusion. “Huh?”
I patted him on the arm.“Never mind. Should we head for the park?”
“Okay.”
Since I didn't have the slightest clue where the park was, I letRoylead. He seemed to know his way around pretty well. The walk there didn't take too long, and I could hear music before it actually came into sight. When I did get my first glimpse of the area, I was surprised by the size of the crowd. It was a huge turnout considering I hadn't even heard about this shindig untilRoytold me. The majority of the people I saw were college age, but many from the neighboring communities had shown up as well.
We waded into the masses, edging our way towards the stage area. The band hadn't taken the stage yet. The music I'd heard was just being pumped through the system. AfterRoy, who was busy scanning the crowd as if he were looking for someone, almost ran over the third vertically-challenged person, I caught his arm and dragged him to a stop.
“Are you expecting someone?” I asked him.
“Huh?Um, no.”
I raised an eyebrow.Roywas a lousy liar. “Do you have something up your sleeve?”
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He looked at me blankly, and I decided I was giving him way too much credit. He turned towards the stage and laughed suddenly.
“Look, Jake. You're famous!”
I followed his pointing finger to see a banner stretched across the back of the stage. Written on in two foot tall red letters was my name. “That must be the name of the band,” I mused.
Roypushed his way toward the stage with renewed vigor, leaving me to endure the disgruntled frowns of the people he bumped out his way as I scrambled along in his wake.
We found a spot to his liking just as the band members took the stage. The band was made up of three dark-haired guys and a petite blonde woman. The woman took the lead microphone while the guys settled in with their instruments.
“Hey everybody!” the girl yelled. She received a tepid response from the crowd. “Come on! You can do better than that! Make us feel welcome!” The crowd responded a little more enthusiastically. “We're Jake and we'regonna have fun tonight, right?” The crowd cheered.“Right?” The cheering grew a little louder. “Come on! Let me hear you!Right?” A roar rose up from the crowd, and she finally seemed appeased. “Strawberry Letter 23!” she screamed and the crowd roared again as they broke into a funky beat and she began to sing.
“Hey, they're pretty good!” I said with a little surprise. I don't know what I had been expecting but it wasn't this. When that song ended they launched into a much more mellow song.
“That song was a big hit for us a couple years ago,” she said as it ended. “It's called `Cowboy'. Let's rock out a little now.”
They did a couple faster numbers,then eased into a slow, funky song that caught my attention. The words made me think ofKody so strongly I felt tears well up in my eyes.
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Imaging red the nights Too fast to burn too bright to fly We were spirit tone Flash black on night Just a little bit behind the light
Cover yourself up in wishing well Too cold to drink too blind to tell We could not speak but we think that we just Might as well admit that the time Holds us still
And I need to know the way To have you hear Despite the rage In spite of my fear And I need to know the way To say it out loud There's a 1000 years between us now
Thoughts and thoughts on all these ties Too soon to know too much to compromise We were spirit tone flash black on night Just a little bit behind the light
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And I need to know the way to take you there Despite the rage in spite of my fear I need to know the way To say it out loud There's a 1000 years between us now
I was lost in the music when I felt a hand on my arm. I turned to find myself looking intoKody's beautiful dove-grey eyes.
Chapter 10
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Kody"
Friday afternoon had the promise of freedom in the air, and every ass wiggled in its seat as we waited for the last class to end. Okay, maybeI was the only one wiggling, but just looking outside would make anyone want to be out of school. Economics had to be the most boring thing on the face of the earth. Picking out socks excites me more. Why do I need this for a journalism degree anyway?
Finally, the warden, err, teacher dismissed us. Naturally we were saddled with more reading from that ponderous tome they jokingly call a textbook. I headed out of the building at a pretty quick clip. Nick broke from a crowd of people and flagged me down.
“Kody!What are you doing tonight?” he asked as he closed the distance.
I shrugged. “Avoiding my Economics book, mostly,“I replied.
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“There's a free concert in the park, and some of us are going. Let's hang out tonight.”
I looked over at his group of friends, many in lacrosse jerseys, and thought about how my last chat with someone from the Lacrosse team had gone.
“You know, I think I'll pass,” I told him.
“Kody, youhave to go.”
“Why?”
“See that guy with the black hair and the killer grin? No, the one on the left?” he asked as he tried to not be conspicuous.
“What about him?”
“His name is Steve, and he is totally hot!” Nick made a moony expression in Steve's general direction.
“What does that have to do with me?” I asked.
“I need you to chaperone, you know, in case he turns out to be a dick.” He looked at me as if I should have known this.
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked uncomfortably. After all, I'd never done this before.
“If I give you the signal, you go into a fake epileptic seizure or something.” He burst out laughing at my
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expression.“Kidding! You just remind me we have someplace to be, and it gives me an out.”
“Um,” I said while Nick gave me his best puppy dog eyes.
“Please,Kody ? I'll go tell Jake you like him if you don't help me.” He looked at me with a serious face.
“That is so not fair! In fact, it's blackmail.”
“You are making me be bad,Kody ,” he said, and then laughed at me.
“Would you really tell him that?”
“Only if you asked me to.”
“I'd feel better about things in general if I had some kind of sign about Jake. I just can't shake him from my thoughts.”
“Research.”Nick grinned.
“Huh?”
“Do some research and see what you can find out about your guy. Might give you a clue about whether or not you want to chance getting over your shy little self.” “You're funny. Not.” I replied.
“Serious, man, go find out which building he lives in and then talk to his RA. They might know something.”
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Royjoined us moments later, flashing a welcoming grin. It seemed he too would rather be outside than in class, clad in shorts and a tee shirt that showed he indeed was as solid as he appeared, and not a trace of learning to be seen. No books, no pens or note books. Just the planetRoy, settling into orbit.
“HiKody .”
“Hi,Roy, do you know Nick?” I asked.
“Yeah, you were with the drunken loud mouth guy at the party last week, right?” Nick asked.
“Yeah, but he's usually not that bad; only when he drinks.”
“Okay, no more for your buddy then.Kody , I'll see you about eight, and thanks.” Nick flashed me a grin and took off. He was perfectly nice, good looking and sane. Why wasn't I attracted to him like I was Jake?
“Going out tonight?”Royasked me.
“Yeah, I guess I am.”Roygave me a look and I felt guilty. “I'm sorry,Roy. We're just going to the park. Nick says there is a free concert there. Do you want to go?” I asked.Roy's face lit up and I felt very good about myself. His face went from being enlightened to what might pass for thoughtful, or maybe he just had gas.
“Maybe I'll meet you there. Would it be okif Jake comes too?” he asked.
Oh no, how did I get myself into this? Stupid, stupid, stupid! All I needed was to act like a freaking goofball with Jake in a place with tons of people.
“Uh, well, I guess I'd have to ask Nick if it was okay,” I responded weakly. He looked at me with what
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might be termed a thoughtful expression. It was kind of interesting to see this huge lug working something out in his mind. I imagined his thought processes required much the same effort moving boulders would.
“Why don't you like Jake?”
“Is that what he thinks?" I
“Idunno .” He shrugged. “I don't know what he thinks. But you get…different when I talk about him.”
“Well,” I said as I shifted from foot to foot, “I was pretty embarrassed about the way I left things with him.” Jesus, I was talking out my feelings with a Neolithic Dr. Ruth.
“I don't understand.” I looked at him and wondered exactly what went on in his head.
“Don't worry about it. I am going to go home and get changed. I'll see you there, okay?” I felt very weird as I leftRoy. I wonder how much Jake confided inRoy, the immovable object. I wandered home, idly thinking about Jake and his sidekick.Royseemed more and more like a faithful dog-maybe not the brightest dog, but loyal none the less.
I wandered into my apartment, pulling off my tee shirt and dropping it in the laundry hamper. I would need to do laundry this weekend. I grabbed a fresh pair of my illicit underwear and took a shower so I'd look presentable for the concert. After combing my hair and getting that little flip in the front back in place, I switched on my radio and lay down on the couch.
The radio was playing back to back songs by the same artist for `the drive at five' as they called it.Cher's “Dark Lady” floated through the air and I sighed. I knew I would have to get dressed soon. I stretched, enjoying the feel of my mostly bare skin on the couch. The song changed, and the secondChertune came on, “Song for the Broken Hearted”. I sighed deeply again.
“Kody!”My door handle jiggled and the door popped open. “I told you about….Oops!” Nick laughed and covered his eyes, then cracked his fingers to get a look at me. I was horrified as I scuttled to my bedroom to the sounds of his laughter.
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“I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” he gasped as he laughed at me and I glared at my closed bedroom door.
“Don't you knock?” I yelled at him. I pulled on some cargo shorts and grabbed a tee shirt, then grabbed my shoes and ankle socks before going back into the living room to find a grinning Nick.
“I really am sorry to have embarrassed you,Kody . I heard theCher, and I told you no moping over Jake if you don't have the `cojones'to go after him!” Nick emphasized this by pantomiming carrying objects roughly the size of bowling balls near his crotch.
“Whether or not I go after Jake is no one's business but my own. Besides, he could go after me too, you know.”
“Well, don't get your panties in a twist, although I admit those boxer briefs looked damn fine on you.” Nick licked his upper lip and I threw my balled up socks at him.
“You're not going dressed like that are you?” Nick asked as I searched for the armhole in my shirt.
“What's wrong with it?” I asked. He looked at me critically.
“Come with me, my youngPadawan . What if Jake is there?” Nick clucked at me and headed for my bedroom.
“Where are you going?”
“Kody, can I be honest here?” Nick asked while looking at me,then continued without waiting for my reply. “You have a nice body, and I think Jake appreciates that. But what if you dressed to take his breath away tonight, huh? Let's just try to blow him away. I mean, let's look in your closet and see what we have to work with, okay?” Nick rifled through my hanging clothes while I stared at him.
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“Nick, I don't even know if Jake likes me.”
“Of course he does. Why else would he call me for your number?”
“He called you for my number?”
Nick appeared to be in deep thought then handed me a blue button-up shirt, shot through with black thread. It had a shimmer to it that wasn't silk, but it looked nice.
“Let's see how this looks on you,” he said.
“Nick, he called you for my phone number?”
“Isn't that what I said?”
“He didn't call me though.”
“Will you put on the damn shirt?”
I took the shirt from his outstretched hand and slipped it on. The material was cool as it slid across my skin. I turned to face him once I had it buttoned.
“Okay, take off the shorts.”
I stood looking at him.
“Okay, fine. I'll look for pants while you take `em off, jeez!” He grinned and, taking his eyes away from
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my waist, began going through my closet again. I took off the shorts,then cleared my throat.
“What?” he said, popping his head out of the closet; I blushed as his eyes dropped to my legs before speaking.
“Pants are in the dresser, second drawer.”
“Huh? Oh, right.” He crossed the room and opened the dresser, rooting around for a proper choice. He straightened up with a pair of khaki colored cargoes. “We need to iron these. You stay here. I'll iron, I don't need any distractions or I'll burn your pants,” he joked.
I felt good that Nick was paying me this attention, but when did Jake get the phone number? More importantly, why hadn't he called? Why did heget the phone number if he wasn't going to use it? My pants flew through the doorway and landed on my head.
“Cover yourself, you pervert!” Nick laughed. I pulled on the pants and walked into the living room where Nick was waiting.
“Damn,Kody !” Nick whistled at me, and I blushed again. “If Steve's a dick, I'm jumpingyou tonight!”
“Nick, when did Jake ask you for my number?”
“Monday I think….yeah, Monday.” Nick tossed me the socks I had thrown at him, and, as I slipped them on, I thought about Monday. The phone rang several times, a bunch of no answers and then Charlie called….Oh myGod! Could I have yelled at Jake on the phone after Charlie had pissed me off? Wait a minute.
“Why did Jake call you for my number?”
“I don't know, He didn't say.”
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I sighed. “So do I look okay?”
Nick gave me a critical eye, told me to turn around and I complied, feeling silly. Once I had completed my turn, he looked at me as though thinking deeply. His eyes met mine and he waved his hand in a circular manner.
“Do that again?”
***
I walked over to the campus and headed for the first dorm, Iroquois. I approached the beat-up desk in the lobby with a simple mission in mind-follow Nick's advice and get some information on my crush.
“Can I help you?” a girl with lank brown hair and an industrial strength acne problem asked me.
“I'm looking for Jake….Uh...” It dawned on me I didn't know his last name. Oh shit! Now I looked like an idiot! The door behind me opened and a very tall girl with red hair walked to the desk with a sheaf of papers.
“Hi Kate, I have the weekly memos,” she said while handing pages to the now identified Kate.
“ThanksErin.” Kate returned her gaze to me. “We don't have any Jake's.”
“Right, thanks,” I said, feeling I got off easy.
“Are you looking for Jake Sheridan?” the red-head asked.
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“I'm really not surewhat his last name is.” I looked at her. How could she know Jake? I hoped she wasn't his girlfriend.
“Blond hair, pretty smile and big beautiful blue eyes?”I blushed with each description she added. That was Jake all right! “So that would then make youKody , the coffee boy?”
My jaw dropped.
“Yep, must be you.” She smiled at me. “Jake lives in Mohawk, room number five-oh-three. Come on, I'll show you where it is.”
I followed her in a daze. How did she know who I was?
“So you're the strong silent type, huh?” she asked.
“Um, how do you know me?” I blurted out.
“You mean Jake didn't mention me?”
“Well...” I began.
“Don't worry. I'll get even with him. You guys going out tonight?” she asked as we approached a building with metal letters bolted to the side of the wall, naming this building Mohawk.
“Well, I don't think....” I was cut off again.
“You guys will look so cute together,” she went through the door and I stopped. If she thought we were going out and that's we'd look good together, then he must be gay. And she knew how I was, so that meant that Jake must have talked about me.Cute together? This girl was one of Jake's confidantes! She
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just told me Jake likes me. He's interested! Inme!
I turned from the building and walked back to my apartment with a grin plastered on my face. Jake liked me! Jake Sheridan really likes me! She thought we'd look cute together, so he was gayand he likes me!
I took the stairs to my floor two at a time and burst into Nick's unlocked apartment. I heard the shower running and poked my head into the bathroom.
“Jake likes me! Jake Sheridan likes me!” I danced out of the room and I heard laughter from the bathroom as the shower shut off. I twirled around the living room with a grin plastered to my face. Maybe this time I had a chance! Nick came out wrapped in just a towel and I hopped off the couch and hugged him.
“Jake likes me!”
“Yeah, I figured when you said it a minute ago!” he laughed. I let him go and gave him a huge smile. “How did you find out?”
“I took your advice and went to the dorms. This girl he talks to, she gave it away. She said we'd look good together and asked me if we were going out tonight. Jake told her he was interested in me! I might actually have a chance with him!”
“That's awesome,Kody !” We bumped knuckles and he went to get changed. I went to my apartment floating on cloud nine.
I walked around my apartment straightening knickknacks and moving small things so that they were arranged just so. I whistled as I did so, checked my watch and danced a little from spot to spot in my living room. I was hoping to see Jake at the concert tonight. That single thought ruled my mind. I checked my watch again before straightening some books. I sat down, checked my watch, and then stood back up. The nervous energy in my body wouldn't allow me to rest. I finally locked my apartment and walked next door, checking my watch once again and realizing dimly only twelve minutes had passed. I went back to my apartment and forced myself to wait ten more minutes before going next door. I entered Nick's apartment with a quick rap on the door.
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“So? How do I look?” Nick turned for me. Nick had chosen a silky green button up to accentuate his eyes. Cream colored cargo's with ox-blood loafers and a choker of small white seashells completed the outfit. His chest was hinted at, and the pants were enough to make you interested in what they actually concealed.
I placed my hand on my chin, appearing to be in thought. “Idunno , turn again?
“Ass!Let's go!”
*** WashingtonParkwas in downtownAlbany, located just a few blocks fromLark Street. Nick explained that Lark was significant because it was the gay section of the city. Each year they held theLarkfest which was like a block party with rides and food. This free concert was part of an effort to revitalize downtown and, by association,WashingtonPark.
Continuing his tour guide act, Nick explained thatWashingtonParkwas the home of the Park Playhouse, an outdoor theatre that provided free shows throughout the summer months. A small amphitheatre provided seating space and lawn chairs were in place for the corporate sponsors. The playhouse was done for the year, but the park was still green and the weather-in the mid sixties-couldn't have been more accommodating.
We strolled upCentral Avenue, pastDeja View and various other businesses. We chatted idly, people swarmed around us to catch their busses home or rushing to their cars. Posters dotted the lamp posts on the way to the park, advertising the food, beer and live music. A banner stretched across the intersection of Lark and Central, again advertising the event.
We crossed the street at the intersection with Lark and walked up Central a couple more blocks before turning left ontoHenry Johnson Boulevard. The park stretched out before us. The stage loomed in the distance as we headed towards the east side of the park.
“Steve said we could meet by the middle of the park on the east side. I guess his apartment is just off the park.” Nick scanned the crowd for his date, unconsciously wiping his hands on his pants as he did so. It was kind of funny to see someone like Nick nervous, someone normally so confident and outgoing.
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“Nick!” Steve waved to us and Nick smiled widely in reply. He waved back and called a greeting as we closed the distance. Steve had a couple people with him. I had to admit he was pretty darn attractive. Couldn't hold a candle to Jake, of course, but, all in all, he wasn't bad.
I quickly faded to the edges of the group, introduced and forgotten. Steve was turning out to be quite the gentleman and, since it seemed that Nick didn't need me to do anything drastic, I decided to look around. The astute observer might think I was just looking for Jake. Well that would be completely true. I wandered into the crowd, stopping to get a soda from a vendor.$4.75 for a soda? No wonder the concert was free! The soda was worth its weight in gold!
Iturned, soda in hand, and spotted the banner for tonight's band. Jake. Well, if I was looking for a sign, you can't get one more to the point than that, now can you? The girl who seemed to be the lead singer attempted to get the crowd warmed up before launching into their first set. They rocked out a nice sound--strong lyrics and a driving beat.
I spottedRoyin the crowd, easy to identify with his stiff movements, making him look like a creature made of stone and brought to life. His head swiveled mechanically; I imagined small ball bearings anda grease fitting at the nape of his neck to keep it all in working order. He waded through the sea of mingling, dancing bodies. Didn't he know you were supposed to dance while on the dance floor? I headed towards him as the band broke into a slow lament. The concert-goers separated allowing me to see Jake next toRoy. He was in profile to me, the setting sun in the west glowing like a corona round him. The sunset paled in comparison to my Jake, for I knew for once in my life that I had a chance, that it wasn't just some idiot fantasy.
I steeled my nerves as I walked to him while the song played. The sweetness of the lyrics rang true, the end of the song as it hung in the evening air still clings in my memory.
And I need to know the way to take you there Despite the rage in spite of my fear I need to know the way To say it out loud There's a 1000 years between us now
I watched him as I approached, framed by the sunburst behind him, and all I could think was that, of all
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the things made by nature, this was the most beautiful. Of all the boys I had seen, he was the sweetest by far. Of all the times my heart has swelled....this time it was real, this time I wouldn't have to cry myself to sleep.
As I closed the distance, I began to raise my arm and finally placed it on his bare forearm. The skin was as smooth and warm as I had imagined it would be, but somehow evenmore so. He turned to face me, his eyes so blue and shimmering with unshed tears. My heart broke for the lost expression on his face, a look that declared he was adrift in a sea of emotions. I felt our eyes lock, and my body was frozen in place as the song trailed off. Cheers went up in the crowd and a new song started, some of the moment broken, but not all of it-not by a long shot.
“Hi,” I said to him. He blinked, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
“Hi.”
“You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, um, better now.” His face broke into a smile that showed the love Mother Nature put into making this boy.
“That's good.” I returned his smile, feeling so lucky to have him here.
“Definitely.”
I stared into his eyes, mesmerized by his presence. My mind was screaming to ask him out, but what if I was wrong? What if he said no? I noted his face, his beautiful face and realized that he was tongue tied as well.What if he said yes? What then?
“So, um, Jake would you like to go get….um, something to eat….with me?” I looked up at him with my stomach having more than butterflies-maybe more like birds.Or Pterodactyls.
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“That sounds….um, great.” Jake smiled at me, and I felt my joints weaken a bit. I smiled at him, and my heart soared. He said yes!
Jake said yes!
Chapter 11
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Jake"
“Hi,”Kody said.
“Hi,” I responded wittily. He'd caught me off guard. I hadn't expected to see him, and here he was with his hand still on my arm. His touch was surprisingly warm and tingly, as if energy was flowing from his body into mine. I stared down at his hand, unable to believe that he was actually touching me.
“You okay?” he asked.
I snapped out of it and grinned. “Yeah, um, better now.”
“That's good.” He smiled back at me, and I forgot we were standing in the middle of a crowd of people. For that moment, we were alone.
“Definitely,” I agreed.
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He shifted nervously. “So, um, Jake would you like to go get….something to eat….with me?” He was so cute. As if I could say no to him!
“That sounds great.”
He looked surprised that I'd agreed. “Uh, where should we go?”
I shrugged. “I don't really know anywhere except The Morning Rush.”
Kodymade a face.“Ew.No, definitely not.”
“We can just wander until we see something we like,” I suggested.
“Sounds like a plan.”
We'd started walking away before I rememberedRoy. I turned back to find him trailing along behind us with a proud smile on his face. Great, just what I needed for my first date withKody , a three hundred pound chaperone.
Before I could decide what to do aboutRoy, I heard someone calling my name and turned to see an arm waving above the crowd. I followed the arm down to findEringrinning at me, with Carlos at her side. I stifled a sigh and pasted a friendly smile on my face. Why was this happening now? I just wanted to be alone withKody .
Erin and Carlos were pushing through the mob towards us, and I noticedToshi following in their wake.Great!The more the merrier .
“Hey!”Erinshouted to be heard over the music and crowd as she approached. “I was hoping we'd run into you. Carlos said you invited him so we decided to come check it out.”
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“I thought you were working.”
“I was, but then one of the other RA's asked if I would switch with him and work tomorrow morning. I said yes so he took over-” She broke off as she seemed to noticeKody for the first time.“Hey,Kody ! I see you found him all right. I didn't know where you'd disappeared to earlier. One minute you were right behind me and then, poof, you're gone.”
I felt my eyes grow wide.Kody and Erin had met already? I looked toKody , who was blushing and looking very guilty. I turned my gaze toErin. She hadn't missed my expression and was now trying her best to look innocent. She didn't fool anyone.
“Okay, what happened?” I asked.
“Nothing,”Kody and Erin chorused.
I gave them my best skeptical look, but let it slide-for now. I'd be sure to bring it back up later.
“Isn't this band great?” Carlos asked in an attempt to change the subject.
“They really are,”Toshi agreed. “And they have the same name as you, Jake!How cool!”
Just then, the band went into a slow number.
“Oh! I want to slow dance!”Toshi cooed. “Carlos, dance with me!”
Carlos blinked in surprise.
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“Hey, watch it, buster. Carlos is mine,”Erinteased.
“I promise to bring him back unmolested,”Toshi replied with a serious face.
Erinpretended to think about it for a second. “I guessit's okay then. Go ahead.”
“Hey! Don't I get a say in this?” Carlos protested, but he was grinning.
“No!”Toshi and Erin said together asToshi began to drag Carlos off towards the area where everyone was dancing.
Erinwatched them go with a wickedly amused gleam in her eye.
“You're enjoying that way too much,” I joked.
She laughed and turned to eye the rest of us. “Well, I'm not going to just stand here like a wallflower. Come on,Roy, we're going to go dance.”
“Uh, me?”Royasked,his voice filled with something akin to fear. “I don't know how to dance.”
“Don't worry. I'll teach you,”Erinsaid as she grabbed his arm and started pulling him away.Erinlooked back at me with a meaningful glance,then flicked her eyes inKody's direction.Roylooked back in panic.
Once they were gone, I turned toKody , who was looking at me with an anxious expression. I wasn't sure if he was nervous that I'd ask him to dance, scared that I wouldn't, or a mixture of both. The opportunity was too good to pass up, however.
“So, can I have this dance?” I asked as I held my hand out to him. He looked down at it like it was a snake about to bite him. The panic was clear on his face.Crap! I'd moved too fast. WithKody , I felt a
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bit like someone trying to coax a wild animal to eat from their hand. I had to avoid making any sudden moves or I might spook him. “Never mind-” I started to say, but he surprised me by interrupting with his soft voice.
“Okay.”
He took my hand and started towards the dance area, towing me along in shock. I barely had time to register that he was holding my hand before we reached the edge of the dancing couples. He turned to look at me, his face clearly saying “What now?”
I gave him a reassuring smile and stepped closer to him, sliding my arms gently around his waist. I heard him suck in a breath. I knew how he felt. My heart was hammering and I could barely remember how to dance. He slowly lifted his arms and placed them around my neck. His face was flushed and he looked like he might pass out at any second. We began to move to the music, awkwardly at first, but gradually finding the rhythm of the music and one another's bodies.
I couldn't tell you if people were watching us or not. All I could think about was the way it felt to be inKody's arms again. It was better than I remembered it. He wasn't drunk this time; he knew exactly what he was doing. His eyes were locked on mine, and what I saw there filled me with a strange jumble of hope and fear-hope that I might have something real and deep withKody , but fear that he wouldn't accept me if he knew the truth.
Kodyleaned into me and rested his head against my shoulder. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed having his body touch mine. “I've never danced with a guy before,” he said.
“I have...but never like this,” I said.
The song ended too soon, and the band jumped into another fast song. I reluctantly released my hold onKody and he stepped away. I thought he looked a little disappointed as well, but maybe I was only seeing what I wanted to see. Now, more than ever, I just wanted to be alone withKody . I had to get rid of Erin and the gang-but how? Then I remembered where we were going when we ran into them in the first place.
Erin, Carlos,Toshi and Roy made their way over to us,Erinbeaming her approval ofKody and me.
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“See, didn't I say you'd make a cute couple?” she said toKody .
“Okay, explain this now, please,” I said. “When did you two meet?”
“Well...”Erinlooked toKody .
Kodysighed. “I kind of went looking for you earlier today.”
I blinked. “You did?”
“Yeah, um...I didn't know what building you were in so I was just asking around.Erinjust happened to come in and overhear me asking and she figured out who I was.” He shrugged.
“So I offered to show him your room, and one minute he's behind me and the next he's gone,”Erin added.
“You probably scared him off,” I said dryly and everyone laughed. “Well, it's great that you two are already acquainted andall, and I'm sure we'll have more to discuss about that later,” I gaveErina dirty look, “butKody and I were just about to go find somewhere to eat before we ran into you.”
“Hey, that's great!”Toshi jumped in. “I'm starving and Carlos was just saying how hungry he is in between whispering sweet nothings into my ear.”
“Ha! You wish!” Carlos laughed. “Oh, andErin, let's just say he did not return me unmolested. That boy has wandering hands!”Toshi leered in Carlos' direction and we all laughed again.
“There's a great place near here,”Erinsaid. “It's called Quintessence and it's on the south side of the park, across from theLakeHouse. We can walk there from here. You guys will love it,” she added to Kody and me.
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I wanted to say that what I would really love is some alone time withKody , but that idea had obviously been steamrolled by our well-meaning friends. Just then, Nick walked up with a tall, dark and handsome guy by his side. The party just kept getting bigger and bigger.
“Hey, Jake!Hey,Kody !” he said. “What's up?”
“We were just getting ready to go to Quintessence,”Kody said.
“Cool! Mind if we tag along?”
“The more the merrier,”Erinsaid, echoing my sarcastic thought from earlier. “Since these guys seem to have forgotten their manners, hi, I'mErinand this is my boyfriend Carlos. The one with the drool running down his chin isToshi , and the strong, silent type in the back isRoy. I take you already know Jake andKody .”
“Hi,Erin!I'm Nick and this is Steve. I live next door toKody and I met Jake at a party last weekend. Actually, I metRoythen too.”
“Kodypunched Foster,”Royadded helpfully.
Erinraised her eyebrows as she took inKody's small frame andKody blushed furiously. “Wish I could've seen that.”
“It was quite a sight,” Nick said.
“How about you give us all the gory details at the restaurants?” she suggested.
“How about we don't?”Kody put in.
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“Oh, come on, it was pretty impressive,” Nick kidded. “You should be proud.”
“Right.It was my proudest moment.”
“Can we argue about this while we walk?”Toshi asked. “My stomach is about to eat itself, I'm so hungry.”
The group started to move andErinnaturally took the lead. She was a born leader and seemed to feel most comfortable when she was in charge. Everyone argued good-naturedly, joking and trading mock-insults as we walked. I was trying not to pout, but it was a losing battle.Kody finally makes a move and the moment gets ruined. The old saying “two's company but three's a crowd” was so true-and if three was a crowd, what does that make eight? My sulking was interrupted by the sudden appearance of Erinat my side. While I pouted, I had slowly moved to the back of the group. I was surprised that she'd give up her lead-dog position to come to the back of the pack.
“So what's eating you?” she asked softly.
“Nothing,” I said unconvincingly.
“Uh huh, and I'm Mrs. Claus. Ho! Ho! Ho!”
“I think it's Mr. Claus that says that.”
“Come on, Jake. What's wrong? Are you mad at me for tellingKody you'd make a cute couple?”
“What? Oh. No. Well, maybe a little. But not really.”
“Clear as mud. Then what's up?”
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“I guess...”
“Spit it out already!”
“I guess I'd just like to be alone withKody ,” I admitted.
“Oh. Oh! And we're cramping your style.Duh!” She slapped her forehead. “Sometimes I can be so dense. I'm so sorry Jake!”
“It's okay. It's just...you know, I really don't know how to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Date someone normal. I've never been in a real relationship. I've never done the whole dating thing. I mean, I've been with a lot of guys, but never anyone likeKody . I'm so afraid I'm going to do something wrong and hurt him or scare him away.”
“Trust me, sweetie, I don't think you could scare him away if you tried. I've seen the way his face lights up when he talks about you or the look in his eye when he stares at you.”
“Really?”I asked hopefully.
“Really.”
“He stares at me?”
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“Yep.”
I sighed. “Yeah, but you don't know the whole story...”
“Then why don't you tell me?”
The funny thing was I wanted to. I wanted to tell her the whole sordid story. Something told me she wouldn't pull away. Maybe she wouldn't understand-how could she?-but she'd at least try to. But now was not the time.
“Hey, what are you two doing back there?” Carlos yelled back suddenly. “Maybe I'll tell you some other time,” I said quietly toErin, then yelled back to Carlos, “We're talking about how fine your ass is!”
A series of cat-calls from the assorted gay guys present took the attention off me and Erin as we rejoined the group. I caughtKody giving me a thoughtful look, and I'm sure he suspected we'd been talking about him. I gave him what I thought to be a reassuring smile and was rewarded with another adorable blush.
We arrived at the restaurant and managed to get seated together. As I sat down next toKody , he leaned in close to me and whispered, “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, why?”I asked innocently.
“You just looked like you were upset back there.”
“Everything's great. I'm here with you, aren't I?” He blushed again and I couldn't help giggling. It was almost becoming a game-makeKody blush.
We ordered our food and sat around shooting the bull while we waited. I watchedKody as he
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relaxed and opened up, and I realized that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to have everyone else along after all. He definitely seemed more comfortable with Nick there. I felt a twinge of envy, but that was just silly. Nick was with that guy Steve. He andKody were just friends. No matter how many times I told myself that, though, the jealousy was still there.
Man, I had it bad. I hadn't felt like this about a guy since I was fourteen. It made me feel like a dumb kid again-which was weird, but not entirely a bad thing. That was the last time I'd felt even close to innocent. My whole life had been ripped to shreds about that time, and I was still trying to piece it together four years later.
“Jake?”Kody asked.
I blinked and realized he'd been talking to me while I was lost in my thoughts. “Sorry,” I said with a rather shaky smile. “I guess I zoned out there for a minute.”
“Are you sure you're okay?” His voice was filled with so much concern I almost fell apart right there.
“Yeah, I'm fine.” I didn't even convince myself. I could see my strained face reflected in his worry-filled eyes.
“Jake...” he started.
“I'll be right back,” I said suddenly as I stood up. I had to cut him off before he said another word. If I hadn't, I would have started crying.What the fuck was happening to me?
I rushed to bathroom and tried to pull myself together. I was splashing water on my face whenRoy came through the door. “Jake?” he asked.
“Hey,Roy,” I mumbled through the rough paper toweling I was using to dry my face.
“Are you sick?”
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“No, I'm okay.” I was getting very tired of saying that, especially when I so obviously wasn't okay.
“Then why'd you run out like that?”
“I just needed to get away for a minute.”
“DidKody say something to make you upset?”
“No! I just...I started thinking about something that happened a long time ago and it...I guess it still upsets me. I'm ready to go back out now. Let's go.”
We walked back to the table, where everyone was carefully trying to pretend like nothing had happened. OnlyKody was acting any differently. He had pulled back into himself and was sitting quietly with a haunted look on his face.
I slid back into my seat and turned to him. “I'm sorry.”
“Was it something I said?” he asked.
“No! I promise. It's just...I'll explain later, okay?”
He nodded, but his cheery mood from earlier was gone now. I felt like an ass for ruining the night for him. He remained quiet while we ate. I tried to draw him into the conversation again, but he had withdrawn completely.
I was feeling like a complete and total heel whenErinslipped around to my side of table and leaned down to whisper in my ear, “I'll fix it. Just follow my lead.”
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“Huh?”
“Hey guys,” she said brightly. “Have you guys ever been down to the Corning Preserve after dark?”
“Yeah,” Carlos said, receiving a dirty look from his girlfriend for his effort.
“I don't even know what it is,” I replied, hoping I was following her lead. I wasn't quite sure what that meant.
“It's this cool park in the middle of the city, right on the river.”
“That would be theHudson River?” I asked.
“Right.Want to go?”
Maybe this was the part where I was supposed to play along. Did that involve saying yes or no? Was she trying to get all of us to this preserve place or was I supposed to say no and they'd go, leaving Kody and I alone. I liked the idea of that last scenario the best and since we'd been talking earlier about how I wanted to be alone withKody , I decided to try that one.
“Not really...” I started, but a sharp glance fromErinquickly let me know I'd chosen the wrong door. “...er...I mean, sure.”
“Great! There's a bus that stops there. We can go as soon as we settle the bill.”
“I think Steve and I aregonna duck out if you don't mind,” Nick said, staring deep into Steve's eyes. I had a feeling I knew where they would end up before the night was over. I waited forErinto argue with him, but she just smiled and nodded. I guess they weren't essential for her plan.
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“I think I'mgonna skip out too,”Kody said softly, and I spun around with dismay.
“Come on,Kody ,”Erinsaid. “It'll be fun.”
“No thanks,” he said.
“Please?” I whispered. His eyes met mine and he stared into them, as if trying to read my intentions. I gave him my best puppy dog look and I could see him giving in.
“Okay,” he said with a sigh.
I gave him a big smile. I didn't know whatErin's plan was, but as long asKody was along for the ride, it couldn't be all that bad.
After we settled the bill, we said goodbye to Nick and Steve, and then caught the bus towards the Corning Preserve.Kody was quiet the whole way there. When we arrived, I looked around with a little disappointment. It wasn't what I had expected at all. When I hear the word “preserve”, I think of some wooded area teeming with wildlife. The Corning Preserve was a narrow strip of trees, bordered by the river on one side, and the highway on the other. Don't get me wrong. It's a pretty little park, just not what I'd pictured.
“So why are we here again?”Toshi asked as we walked down the footpath towards the river.
“I just thought it would be nice,”Erinsaid defensively.
“It is nice,” Carlos placated, as he slid his arm around her waist. “You know what would be even nicer? If we walked down to see the Slater.”
“Who's that?” I asked.
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“Not who, it's a what,”Erinsaid, rolling her eyes.
“She's a decommissioned World War II Navy destroyer,” Carlos enthused. “The city keeps her moored near here. They offer tours and stuff.”
“She?Her?Why do boats and cars always have to be women?” she said in mock-testiness. “Besides, not everyone wants to see some big boat. Right, Jake?”
“Huh?Uh, right.” I was being honest. I couldn't care less about a boat right then. I couldn't take my eyes offKody . He looked so beautiful in the moonlight, standing at the railing overlooking theHudson River. From the looks of things, he wasn't paying any attention to the conversation.
“But if you want to see it, we'll walk down there,”Erincontinued. “Come on, Roy andToshi . You can walk with us.”
“I'll stay here,”Toshi said.
“No, walk with us,”Erininsisted.
“I don't really want...”Toshistarted.
“Yes.You. Do,”Erininformed him firmly, asRoycaughtToshi's arm and started tugging him along in the direction Carlos was heading.
I turned to findKody still leaning against the rail. I wondered if he even knew the others had left. He seemed to be in his own little world. I walked up and stood next to him.
“Hey, you okay?” I said softly.
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He looked up and gave me a little smile.“Yeah. I'm okay.”
“You've been really quiet since the restaurant.”
He shrugged and looked back out over the water. “I'm sorry if I said or did something wrong.”
“Huh?”
“In the restaurant, I'm sorry if I said or did something to upset you.”
“You didn't,Kody . Honest!”
“Then what happened? One minute we're talking and everything is fine, then you get this funny look on your face, and the next thing I know you're running from the room.”
“It's...complicated.” I wasn't ready to go into details, but his disappointed expression made me realize I had to tell him something. “Okay.” I took a deep breath. “Kody, there's a lot you don't know about me.”
He rolled his eyes.“Duh. There's a lot you don't know about me too.”
“No, I mean there's alot you don't know about me. I have a pretty...unpleasant past. I guess you could say I come with a lot of baggage. When we were sitting in the restaurant, I was actually thinking about how much I like you.”
His eyes grew round.“Really?”
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“Yeah,” I said as I began to blush.
He grinned ear to ear. “I guess it's safe to tell you that I like you too.” Suddenly, he frowned. “But that doesn't explain why you ran away like that.”
“Well, that's where my past comes in.” It was my turn to face the river to avoid eye contact. “I haven't felt like this about someone for a long time-since I was a kid. Some really bad things happened to me then and as one of my counselors put it, I disassociated my emotions so I wouldn't get hurt like that again. I haven't really let myself feel things for a long time so this is all very new to me. Feeling this way about you made me remember the last time I felt like this, which made me think about the bad things that happened around the same time.”
“What...what bad things?”Kody asked tentatively.
I tried to suppress a shudder but failed. “I'd rather not talk it,” I whispered. “Not yet.”
Kodynodded.
I cleared my throat. “I do want to get to know you better, though,” I told him as I faced him once more. “I really do like you.”
He smiled. “What do you want to know? I'm pretty much an open book.”
I was relieved that he was so willing to let the subject drop and move on.“Everything!” I said with a grin. “Start at the beginning.”
He giggled. “Well, I grew up at a truck stop.” I laughed. “No, I really did,” he insisted. “My grandfather raised me after my dad died when I was little. I never even knew my mom. My grandpa ran this little motel and diner on the highway. I lived there until I was about fourteen, and then one day, this guy broke down in our parking lot. His name was Dave and he was a really nice guy. I didn't have a lot of friends, living in the middle of nowhere, so I kind of latched onto him. I followed him around and probably pretty much made a nuisance ofmyself , but he was too nice to say so. I figured out that he was
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gay when he told me he was moving toBaysville , which is a really gay-friendly town, and I told my grandpa. My grandpa already knew I was gay, and that it was going to be really hard for me in the tiny little town where we lived. Dave and my grandpa spent a lot of time talking while he was there, and when he left, I went with him. My grandpa wanted me to have a better life. I have an adopted little brother who is gay too. So we're just one big gay family. There. I don't think I left anything out.”
I stared at him open-mouthed.Kody watched me, nervously awaiting my reaction. His story was almost as incredible as mine. “Wow,” was all I could manage.
“My dad, my adopted dad, went to college here, so he really wanted me to come here too,” he went on when I didn't say anything else. “It's really far from home and I miss Dad and Charlie, but I guess it's good for me.”
He was started to babble so I thought I'd better say something before he started telling me what kind of underwear he wore. “Charlie!” I said latching on to the name.
Kodyblinked at me. “What about him?”
“When I called you one time, you yelled at me and called me Charlie. I wondered who Charlie was. So he's your little brother?”
Kodyflushed a fetching shade of scarlet. “Yeah, um, he's my brother. I'm, uh, really sorry about that. Charlie had been teasing me...” He trailed off with a sudden look of horror.
“Teasing you about what?” I couldn't resist asking, although I thought I had an idea from his expression.
“N-nothing,” he stuttered.
“Come on, tell me,” I teased.
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“He was, uh, teasing me about you,” he said and his face blazed even brighter, if possible.
I grinned.“Oh really?”
He stuck out his tongue at me.“Yes, really. And don't try to pretend that you weren't talking about me.Erinknew who I was before I even told her my name.”
It was my turn to blush. “Yeah, well...”
Kodygrinned at me and I looked into his eyes. I saw something there that brought me to a decision. I wasn't ready to tell him all the details, but I wanted him to know what he was getting into. Without thinking, I reached out and took his hand. “Let go for a walk,” I said softly. He fell into step beside me as we began to walk along the river. He kept looking down at our hands as if trying to reassure himself that it was really happening. I knew how he felt. I took a deep breath.
“When I was fourteen, a gay guy came to my school. He was a couple years older than me, so I didn't really have any interaction with him, but I watched him from a distance. He seemed so proud of who he was, even though he pretty much had no friends. I wanted to be that open but I'd never even seen an openly gay person before, so I guess you could say I didn't have any role models. I was from a really strict religious family and coming out had never even occurred to me.” The story was coming out as if I was talking about someone else. I'd only talked about this with my therapists, so it felt strange to be telling it toKody .
“I was just working up enough nerve to talk to the gay guy when he was murdered. This other guy in our school was stabbed at the same time. It was a really big deal at our school. It was all anyone talked about for weeks. Then the guy who was stabbed started dating my sister, or that's what I thought at the time. I had a huge crush on this guy, his name was Killian. He was so hot. I guess I was kind of flirty-well, okay, I was a huge flirt. It turned out that Killian was gay too, and just dating my sister as a cover. We started getting closer and I really liked him a lot. Just when I was really getting my hopes up about me and Killian, he decided that he liked another guy more. So I kind of got my heart broken. That happens to everybody and wouldn't have been a big deal-Killian and Iare even friends now-except for what happened next. Someone else was killed at a Halloween party at our house. The police investigated and nothing seemed to happen. Then about a month later, all hell broke loose.”
I paused in my narrative while I tried to figure out how to tell the next part.Kody misunderstood my hesitation and spoke up. “Jake, you don't have to tell me this if you don't want,” he said, concern filling his voice.
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I shook my head. “No. I want to tell you. It was my brother.”
Kodylooked at with a mix of confusion and horror. “Your brother was killed?”
“No. Well...I mean my older brother was the murderer.” I was surprised at how calm I sounded, almost clinical. “I found out when he tried to kill me. He killed my whole family.”
“Oh my God...”
“I would be dead except for Killian. He shot my brother and saved my life.”
“Oh...Jake...I...”
I was on a roll now though and couldn't stop, the story just kept rolling from my tongue. “My whole family was gone in one night. Then I find out that the woman I always thought was my aunt is my real mom. She took me in and moved me across the country.”
“I can't imagine what that must have been like.”
“It gets worse. I started using.”
“Using?”
“Drugs, alcohol...sex... You name it, I used it.”
“I...wow...”Kody abruptly stopped walking and his hand went limp in mine. I turned to face him and
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saw the stunned look on his face.
It suddenly struck me how this all must sound to him. He was so innocent, so pure. What must be going through his mind right now? It didn't take my psychic mother to figure it out. “I know,” I said, my voice tight with bitterness. “You're probably disgusted. I don't do any of that anymore, but...I've seen and done some horrible things. I don't even know why I thought this would work. I'm sorry...” I dropped his hand, turned, and started walking away. I'd only taken a few steps when I felt his hand slide around my wrist. I stopped and turned back around, but refused to look him in the eye. I didn't want to see emptiness and pain where moments before there'd been such warmth and(Dare I even think it?) love.
“Look at me,” he commanded in a gentle voice. I slowly lifted my gaze to meet his. There was pain in his eyes, but not like what I had expected. This was empathy for my pain, and it was softened by compassion. “I'm not disgusted. I'm...shocked. I...I don't know what I would have done if I was in your place. I don't even know if I could have survived it. What happened to you was horrible. But...I'm glad you told me. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to talk about it. It means a lot that you'd trust me that much. I... I like you, Jake.A lot. I want to try and make this work...whateverthis is.”
His fingers slipped from my wrist to intertwine with mine. The sincerity in his eyes told me that he meant every word. A sense of relief washed over me that made me want to whoop with joy, but I somehow restrained myself. I couldn't restrain the grin that spread across my face.
“You really mean that?” I asked, hardly daring to believe what I was hearing.
“Yep,” he said with a smile of his own.
“I really want this to work too.” I wanted to kiss him so bad, but my instincts told me it was too soon. I settled for a quick hug instead. “We should probably get back to the others,” I said, even though what I really wanted was more time alone with this incredible guy. I fell a little more for him with every passing second.
We walked back towards the bus stop in a comfortable silence, still hand-in-hand. The others were waiting for us when we got back.Erintook in our hand-holding and gave me a wink. Judging by her smug expression, she was quite pleased with the success of her plan. I was sure I'd hear all about it as soon as we were alone.
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The camaraderie from earlier was back in full-force on the bus ride back to campus. Once there, I insisted on walkingKody back to his apartment. We all said goodnight and went our separate ways. Kody and I walked as slowly as possible in order to drag out our time together. At his door, I once again found myself fighting to keep from giving him a good-night kiss. A slight hesitation onKody's part is all that kept me from going for it. It would wait, and it would be all the sweeter for the wait. Somehow, I was sure he was worth it.
Chapter 12
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Kody"
I walked in and darted over to the window overlooking the street. Jake was on the sidewalk, looking up at the building. I smiled at him, but I guess he didn't see me, as he turned and started walking up the street. I watched him go, his slender frame in the spotlight of a streetlamp. His hair sparkled in the soft glow of the streetlight, and still glimmered a bit when he left its glare. I sighed as he disappeared from view.I should have asked him to stay. How can I possibly sleep tonight knowing he's out there?
I grinned to myself and walked back towards my hamper, unbuttoning my shirt as I went. Jake and I had a few things in common, like our unconventional families. I knew there was something he wasn't saying though, but I could wait. He'd told me more than he had to already, enough to show he wants something to happen. That started a little gnawing of nerves in the back of my mind, but I relished the fact that I had a golden opportunity for something real. I grabbed a soda from the fridge and went back to the window to stare at the spot where Jake had been only moments before. My eyes and thoughts drifted up the street to where the streetlamp's glow had made him stand out in grand fashion. Funny, he looked so natural in a spotlight.
After a while, I moved to the couch, still running our conversation over and over in my head. Jake and I really did have a lot in common, from our parents to not finding someone to whom we really felt connected. I blushed as I recalled how I'd neglected to fill him in about how I'd been watching him from the first time I saw him that day coming out of the admin building, let alone orientation or the bookstore. No sense making a complete fool of myself!
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I put the unfinished soda in my fridge, and decided I should at least try to sleep before getting up for work. I took one more glance out of the window, hoping to see him coming back, like they always do in the movies where they always stand under the window and toss small stones to get the person's attention. Then they say sweet things, and maybe they run off together. Finally, I went to bed, still thinking of Jake and feeling as though I couldn't be happier than to know he was interested in me, even if all we did was talk all night-especially after we had talked all night.
*** Max and I opened Saturday morning, and Mike wandered in a few minutes after we arrived. I got the initial round of coffee pots going, and Mike set up cups for easy reach. Max sipped her hot chocolate and stared at Mike's ass whenever he wasn't looking. I wonder if I did that with Jake. I don't think I had ever stared at his ass.Now that I think about it, I wonder exactly what his ass is like. I made a mental note to check it out the next chance I got.
People began to wander in and soon we were balls to the wall busy. “Assholes and elbows” my dad used to say, so many people it was positively chaotic. Jake showed up just after the initial rush. He hadn't taken the time to check himself in the mirror and whatnot, and he looked all rumpled and cute. I made him a coffee before he got to the counter. Max bumped me and told me to take my break, so I brought the coffee out to Jake, meeting him halfway across the store.
“You look like you need this,” I said to him. I was unable to hide the smirk as one eyebrow went up.
“You trying to tell me I don't look good in the morning?”
“I think you lookkinda cute, all wrinkled and half awake.” I smiled back at him as we sat at a table. The tide of people had slacked off and I felt comfortable in speaking that way to him in public. He placed his hands on the sides of the cup, inhaling the scent, and looking as if the smell of coffee was the best thing that had ever entered his nostrils. I had a flash in my head, years from now taking pleasure in making his coffee in the morning, breakfast in bed for his birthday or our anniversary. I think I could spend a lot of time waking up to that expression.
“What?”
I realized Jake had opened his eyes and seen me staring at him while I was lost in all these silly, domestic thoughts.
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“Nothing, Jake. How's your coffee?” I asked.
“Perfect.Just what I needed.” He took a sip and smiled at me.
“So what are you doing today?”
“Laundry.I'm almost out of clothes.”
That would be a tragedy,I thought with a smirk.
“What are you doing today?”
“Laundry, too.There's a place a couple doors down from my building. I may have to pry Nick out of his apartment too.” I winked at Jake. “Steve left sometime early this morning.”
“How do you know?”
“I heard him fall down the stairs.”
“You what?”
“I heard this crash, and it woke me up, so I poked my head into the hallway, and there was Nick rushing down to help Steve. I guess too much sex makes you unsteady on your feet.” I sniggered at the remembered sight of Steve and Nick.
“Are you speaking from experience?” Jake asked with a smirk.
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“I'm not that kind of boy,” I said flippantly, but I knew my cheeks were showing my embarrassment.
“What kind of boy are you?” Jake asked suggestively. I guess the coffee had hit the part of his brain that picked on me.
“The kind that doesn't kiss on the first date.”
“How many dates do I have to go before that happens?”
“Well, I haven't even been asked out for the first time,” I said looking up at the ceiling, feigning being cool and collected while my heart pounded in my chest. I was amazed he couldn't hear it.
“What? That cozy, intimate dinner for eight wasn't enough?” Jake laughed.
“Nope,” I giggled. “Dinner for two would qualify though.”
“Well, I don't have a place for us to go and I don't really know any restaurants, but wherever you want to go is fine with me.”
“Well, I know this little second floor walk up with a pretty decent cook,” I said. I couldn't believe I was being so forward! I'm sure my cheeks were crimson, but damn it, I wanted to see him again.
“Kody, are you asking me out?” Jake teased.
“No,” I replied as I stood up to go back to work, “I'm telling you dinner is at seven. Be there if you're hungry.”
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“What's on the menu?” he called as I walked away.
“You want to know, be there at seven!” I called back. My father wouldkill me if he saw how I was acting, but Jake as coming to dinner at my place tonight and that was all that mattered! Now, the only thing left to do was figure out what I was going to cook...and how to make it!
*** “So let me get this straight, you were flirting with him, and it got out of control, and now you don't know what to make him for dinner?”
“Your words, not mine,” I said while loading the washing machine. I just knew asking Nick for help would come at a price, but his ribbing had already worn thin.
“Wow. I mean, I've done some things to get in guys' pants before, but I always had a plan!” He chuckled and I glared at him.
“I'm not trying to get in his pants, just so you know,” I muttered as I fed quarters into the slot and started the machine on its first cycle.
“Why not?Jake is pretty fine if you ask me. If you weren't interested, and I wasn't with Steve, I'd be trying.”
“Because, I want more than a one night stand!”
“Down,Simba !I was just saying that he's hot. I guess I don't understand why you aren't interested in what he's packing.”
“It's not that I'm not interested, it's just…” I sighed before sitting down. “I want some thing real for my….for my first time. Okay, I said it. Are you happy now? I am virgin-a fucking sexual loser.All right?”
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“Whoa, calm down, man! I'm sorry, I didn't realize all that. I just assumed someone that's as cute as you had some experience, that's all. I didn't mean anything!” Nick soothed and I sat still, embarrassed.
“I just don't want to mess this up. I mean, I don't know if it'll work out or not, but Jake likes me and I like him, and I want something more than a night of sex. I really want something…romantic.” I trailed off into a whisper.
“Kody, that's cool man. There is nothing wrong with that.Listen, let me tell you something about me. I was in love with a Jake once too, so I know how they can twist you up in knots.” He smiled at me as I looked into his face.
I waited in silence for him to continue. He took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair before starting.
“Jake was awesome, funny and smart, and he really loved me. He still does, and I love him too, but he loves Greg more and I had to let him go. I went through a phase after Jake and I broke up, after I came here for my freshman year. I gave a new meaning to the term bed-spread!” My eyes must have been wide because he laughed at my expression before continuing. “I think I've really found something with Steve though. We sat up all night and talked, drank coffee, and actually slept together without any bodily fluids changing addresses. The strange thing was I woke up and felt good about that. I felt good like the last time I slept with my Jake. So I guess what I am trying to say is I respect what you're feeling with Jake, and what you want to try and build. But if you want a recipe, you came to the wrong guy. I screw upmac and cheese!”
I chuckled at him and went to the soda machine for something to do. I felt nervous, but I was always embarrassed if my lack of sexual experience came up. It wasn't something you're proud of unless you were a True Love Waits fanatic. I walked back to my seat next to Nick and plopped down with my soda.
“Seriously,Kody , I think it's cool you want the right guy. I hope Jake is it. I know my Jake was the right guy for me, and I don't regret anything. I know other people that just gave it up while they were drunk, and they did regret it. You can't get that first time back. So stick to your guns, man.”
I hadn't expected him to agree with me, and I chewed on that for a minute. Ireally wanted to make the right choice. I wanted to follow my heart and not just my loins. I wanted mind, body and soul...as well as head. I felt a flash of guilt at that, but there it was. Idid want to have sex, but I was determined
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after having so many romantic misadventures that I would do this right. Still, for all my thinking, I was pleased Nick backed me up, a little moral support if you will.
After my last load of laundry was done, I headed upstairs to get my stuff put away and make an embarrassing phone call. I dragged out putting the socks away and folding my underwear. I don't know anyone else that folds their underwear. Charlie practically rolls them into a ball and squeezes them in a drawer. I hung my shirts and put the pants away before hunting up my phone card and dialing home.
“Thank you for calling the Java Script, how can I help you?”
“Hi, Dad.It'sKody .”
“Hey buddy! How's everything in the great northeast?”
“Going pretty well.Classes are okay, all except Economics, which is so boring I can't even tell you.”
“Yeah, I hated Econ too.Boring stuff. You'll have to buckle down to pass that one, Son.”
“Yeah, I know. I'm calling for a reason this time, though. I need a little help, Dad.”
“What's up?”
I felt my cheeks reddening already, but I was committed now and plunged ahead.
“I have a date tonight and I need to know how to cook something impressive but not too hard.”
“Oh, I see. You're cooking dinner?”
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“Yeah, I am.”
“Who is this guy?”
“It's Jake, the one I told you about the first week of school.”
“Oh,Kody , you can't be serious?”
“It's not what you think, Dad. It turns out he's gay, and he's interested. We met up at this free concert last night, and we walked in the park together and talked, and he's really nice, Daddy, and he said he liked me too.” I felt like a small child, almost afraid my dad would forbid this guy to come into the house, my apartment, three thousand miles away.
“Well, you're on your own now,Kody . I can't tell you what to do,” Dad sighed. “I hope it works out this time.”
“I hope so too, Dad. He's been really sweet so far, and we have some stuff in common.” “Like what?”
“Well, like the fact we are both out at home. We are both from single parent houses, `ceptI'm sure his mom is a little more feminine than you.” I giggled.
“Laugh it up. What else?”
“Jeez, Idunno ,” I thought to myself, “Neither of us is into the drinking orparty scene really. We like the same music, sort of. The band at the park played a really good song. I wonder if that would be, like, our song?”
“So! Did he kiss you yet?” I wondered to myself if dad was a little uncomfortable with me and Jake.
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Well, of course he is, he can't be here if something goes wrong.
“Dad!”
“Okay, I guess not. That's good, means he didn't do anything else either.”
“Dad!That isso not funny,” I grumbled at him.
“Well, I guess you're trying to get to his heart through his stomach, huh?”
“No, I'm trying to get a date since I told him I don't kiss on the first date!” I felt as if the embarrassment clearly showing in my cheeks could have lit the room-and then some.
“So we are trying for a first kiss?” Dad chuckled.
“Yes, Dad, we are. I want him to kiss me, and then I want him to take me to the couch and kiss me some more, and then I want him to find the bottle of lube and the condoms I stashed in the coffee table drawer, and-“
“Kody!”
“Well, you make it sound so dirty!”
“I do not. I was just curious. You go so whole heartedly into these things. I just don't want him to take advantage of you. I can't stop it from happening though, so I hope you are right about this boy.”
“I am, but I need a recipe, Dad! I'm supposed to cook dinner tonight!”
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“Okay, alright. Let's see...You have a pen and paper? Copy this down then.” *** I walked down to the bus stop and caught one that goes to the Price Chopper onDelaware Avenue. The place was crowded, but I darted in and out of aisles with the list Dad had given me. I was making Coq AuVin , a French chicken dish with a cream sauce. I had borrowed a dry white cooking wine from Nick, who was plainly happy to be rid of it.
I grabbed some garlic and onions, chicken and a few spices before catching the bus home. I started working quickly, following the directions as best I could and praying I didn't do anythingmajorly wrong. The chicken was browning and I started cutting up the big ass onions.Holy shit! My eyes were watering like crazy. I'd always thought that was some kind of old joke. I washed my hands and my eyes began to clear once out of range of those venomous onions.
Oh shit!The chicken was only supposed to get browned, not deep fried!Oh, damn it! This was looking more and more as though I'd have to order a pizza. After rescuing the chicken, which maybe wasn't as bad as I'd thought, I put it and its sauce in the oven. As I started to fry the onions, knuckles rapped on my front door, and Nick popped in.
“Damn, something smells good in here! Can I come over too?” He smiled as he walked over to me.
“I am not slaving over a hot stove to get my first kiss from you, mister!” I said as I tried to make light of my situation.
“For just one piece of that chicken, I'll clean your tonsils,Kody !” Nick chuckled and made a mock attempt to kiss me. I just laughed and pushed him away.
“No, this is for Jake. Make your own dinner.”
“But I can't cook,Emeril !” he whined at me while sitting down at my small kitchen table.
“What, I look like a chef here?Bam!” I giggled as I slammed the frozen veggies on the counter to break them up from their icy slumber.
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“Well, it smells good, whatever it is.”
“I am so nervous. In HomeEc , I once made these muffins that smelled so good...until you actually tried to eat one.” I shot Nick a meaningful glance before continuing, “I put in salt instead of sugar. They tasted like a big, fluffy salt lick.”
Nick howled with laughter and I smiled at him. The story was true enough, what I hadn't told him was that after I knew how bad they were, I gave one to my math teacher. I'd hated that bastard.
Nick and I chatted aimlessly while I cooked, then I asked him to watch the stove while I took a shower. As I was leaving, he asked if he should pick my clothes out again. I stuck my tongue out at him for his efforts.
After showering, however, I really did wonder if I shouldn't get Nick to pick something for me. I settled on a tight black button up and jeans that were somewhat snug in the back. I pulled on my anklets, and put on my Jake & Co underwear-for good luck. I didn't plan on him ever seeing them, not tonight anyway.
I walked out in my stocking feet to the kitchen where Nick was putting the lid on the vegetables. The rice was simmering and everything was just about set. I grabbed some nice plates from the cabinet. Once, they might have been part of a big set, but these two orphans were all that was left at the Goodwill store. I put some paper towels down as napkins and a battered butter tray with chipped salt and pepper shakers. I grabbed two bowls and two thin tapered candles from the top of the fridge and my catch-all drawer respectively.
I lit each one, dripping candle wax in the bowl and then seating the candles on the hot wax. After blowing them out, I left them to cool in place.
“Do you think he'll notice that all this stuff doesn't match with just the candlelight?” I asked Nick worriedly. I slowly adjusted the table cloth as I realized there were more threads than I remembered dangling at the fringes. I readjusted the setting once the offending strings were hidden on my side of the table.
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“I'd be surprised if he notices anything after he sees you,Kody .” Nick smiled at me. “I saw the looks he was flashing you. I think you are pretty safe in getting noticed tonight.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere. Okay, get out! Jake will be here soon and I need to finish things up here.”
“Okay, good luck,” Nick said. He paused and pecked me on the cheek. “Jake's lucky, don't you forget it.” Then he was gone. I tried to settle my nerves and finish getting things done around the apartment, like picking up dishes from the living room, empty chip packages off the coffee table and my shoes from in front of the couch.
I had this old lamp that was red fading to white with gold leaves glued to it. It was interesting because it had two bulbs, one on the top where the main source of light was, and one on the inside of it where you could have a nightlight type of glow. I set the lamp on its dim setting and eyed the room critically. Well, it looked better draped in shadows, more as if things went together.
I went back into the kitchen and waited for the chicken to finish. I also checked the rice and veggies, deciding I should put them in bowls for the table. I was so nervous. Why was I so nervous? We had talked already, I knew he liked me! There was no reason to be acting like a ninny!
I put the veggies on the table, and as I turned to get the rice it occurred to me that the veggies would get cold if he wasn't on time. I couldn't serve a cold dinner to Jake, but what was I supposed to do with it in the meantime?Shit! Why was this so complicated? I really shouldn't have to go through all this to get one kiss from the guy who already told me he liked me. Maybe I should just lay one on him as he came through the door and get it over with! Maybe then my nerves would settle down!
I grabbed a pot top and placed it over the veggies, then proceeded to do the same with the rice. I glanced at the clock and noted it wasfive after seven. What if he didn't show?Oh my god, that would be disaster! Jake wouldn't do that, would he? Maybe I had been too forward this afternoon. Maybe he didn't like that. I was consumed by a paralyzing fear of Jake not coming for dinner, and had a nasty image of giving the whole thing to Nick. Just at that moment, when my panic was turning to despair, there was a knock at my door.So help me god, if it's Nick he's going back to his apartment in a body bag!
I quickly lit the candles and dashed to the door, pausing at the mirror to check and see if my hair was still okay. I grabbed the door handle and took a deep breath before trying my best to open the door smoothly. There was Jake wearing a dark blue button up shirt with the top few buttons undone. The dark
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blue set off his eyes and made them seem brighter. His hair hung down to caress each side of his face, and his black jeans gave him a rock star look.
“Kody?Helloo?”He waved his hand in front of my face and I started suddenly as I was brought back to the real world.
“Hi Jake, sorry, you just…you look...really nice,” I said. I swallowed all the other terms that came to mind, in case they were too forward. I am almost certain edible would be considered too forward.
“Thanks, you look pretty nice yourself,” he smiled and stepped into the apartment. I noted a small curl at the edge of his mouth as he took in the room.
“You really set a romantic mood,Kody .”
I almost said it was to cover the mismatched furniture, but I then realized that having a romantic atmosphere was better for getting my first kiss.
“Glad you like it. Dinner is ready, if you are.” I ushered him into my little kitchen and pulled out a chair for him. He grinned at me and sat down in the proffered chair. I put a trivet on the table and opened the stove up to get the chicken out.
“Mmm,Kody, looks good. Imean, smells good!”
I realized I was bent over in front of him as I removed the chicken. Thank God I didn't drop it out of shock! I set the chicken on the stove and half-turned to look at Jake. He seemed quite amused by all of my preparations, a cute smile sitting on his face. Well, that's all right I guess, as long as he's pleased. I put the chicken on the serving plate and brought it to the table.
I served him his chicken on a bed of rice, and added some of the sauce from the pan. He still had this slightly amused look on his face. I was shooting for something more than amusement. I really hoped this wasn'tall just for his amusement. Maybe I just needed to try a little harder.
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He murmured his thanks as I set the main course down on the trivet and spooned him some veggies. I then took my seat across from him and put some food on my plate-but not too much! I didn't want him to think I was a pig.Am I over-thinking this?Maybe. “So…dig in,” I said with a smile. He grinned at me and forked a piece of chicken, which was tender enough to break away from the bone easily, and popped it in his mouth. I waited for his response, praying it was good, and also praying he wouldn't pull that horrible routine he did when I suggested he try my favorite coffee.
He must have taken pity on me. “Hey, this is good!” he said. I smiled in relief, finally able to eat a bit myself.
“I called my dad this afternoon for a recipe,” I admitted. “I realized after I got home I didn't know what I would make for you.”
“Take out would have been fine with me. This is more than I expected.”
I just smiled and watched him eat, extremely pleased with myself that I had made a good impression. He wasn't mine yet, I knew that, but I also knew that he was mine to lose. I just needed to keep showing him I had some value, and then I would have a chance to keep him-maybe for a long time.
“What are you smiling at?” he asked.
“I was thinking about you…in ten years.” I grinned at him as his jaw dropped open a bit. It was over the top, but it was worth it to catch him by surprise. I giggled at him. “Ten years, huh?What did I look like?” Jake grinned, rising to the bait.
“Handsome...and well fed.” I giggled again.
“You trying to say I got fat?” he pouted.
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“No, you get plenty of regular exercise.” I flashed an appraising look at him. My father wouldkill me if he could hear me. In fact, I was beginning to embarrass myself. Better change the subject. “So is life at college everything you thought it would be?” I asked.
“It's starting to look better,” he said, giving me a meaningful look, “but it didn't start out that way. I wanted a fresh start, new place and all, and I got that, but I was a little lonely at first. Then this chick Becca tried to pick me up the first few days I was here. She turned out to be a real piece of work. She was really persistent and eventually I had to turn her down, but she showed me where the Morning Rush is, so in a way I guess she did something good.”
“Oh, so that was the girl I saw you with,” I commented without thinking.
“When did you see me with her? She only took me there once and I don't remember seeing you.” Jake sat looking at me with this unreadable expression, and I began to squirm in my seat.
“Do I have to answer that?” I asked sheepishly.
“Well, no...” Jake toyed with his food. “...but I think you should.”
Oh, this sucked.I had to open my big mouth. He was slowly finding out I had been watching him for a long time, completely smitten. He would think I'd stalked him if I told him how often I saw him and just stopped in my tracks. Wouldn't he? Better to be honest, I guess, than try to hide things from him.
“Okay, I was walking down to the shop, and you two were up front by the window. She was flirting, tight shirt and no bra, and you were sitting there withyour ...” I choked on the words. Jake simply raised an eyebrow and I muttered out the rest. “...with your legs spread in baggy jeans.” Iknew I was cherry red. I could be Rudolph the Red Faced Fag for Halloween this year! I'd never been so embarrassed!
“I had…I had no idea.” Jake said quietly. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. “So, when did you first see me, actually?” he asked. I looked up at him, not sure what he was getting at.
“The day we had orientation,” I confessed. He gave me a quizzical look and I sighed.May as well finish filling in the blanks. “You came running out the door from the admin building, and I was opening
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the door as you were coming out.” Jake appeared to be in thought and I started to forget I was supposed to be embarrassed.
“I first remember you behind the counter at Morning Rush, but I kind of remember almost mowing someone down on my way to orientation. That was you?” He asked. I merely nodded in response, feeling dumb for having said anything.
“I think…” Jake appeared to be in thought again, and then smiled what could be called shyly at me before continuing. “I think I really noticed you the day I tried your favorite way of making coffee. You have a beautiful smile.”
Now Iknew I was as bright as a red beacon, but I also had a very, very large smile on my face.
“See? There's the proof,” Jake chuckled.
“Eat. Your food is getting cold,” I replied, still smiling at him.
“Yes, Mom,” he laughed and resumed his meal.
We finished eating with comfortable conversation, Jake telling me about surfing, and me picturing him on his surfboard...in his wetsuit. We discovered I liked sports a lot more than he did, and that he had a passing interest in video games. He told me more about his best friend, Killian, and how they met. I could tell their bond was deep. He smiled the whole time he talked about Killian.
I could feel the pain Jake still felt when he spoke of Killian as his first love, and I admit I was the tiniest bit jealous, but Jake was pretty firm about there being no future outside their extremely close friendship. I was suddenly ashamed of myself and thankful for Killian. He was Jake's most loyal friend and confidante, and I had a feeling that if someone didn't measure up in Killian's view as an appropriate match for Jake…Well, I hoped I would make the cut.
Jake asked for more details about my family, and I filled him in on Dad and Charlie. I told him how Charlie had been asking about whether I was going to ask Jake out or not, and he just smiled. I
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wondered if he'd had a similar discussion with Killian. My curiosity was killing me on that. Who did he confide in? Then I realized thatRoyseemed to know an awful lot. What does that mean? Where doesRoy fit into all this anyway?
“So, um,” I began. “I know this is probably none of my business, but I am guessingRoyis your confidant here, since you have no access to Killian?”
Jake chuckled before replying, "I don't know if I'd say confidant.Roy's just always there these days, so I talk to him. Sometimes it's almost like talking tomyself . He's an okay guy though. I wish I could talk to Killian more, but he's really busy. He's a private eye and he's on a big case right now."
“Oh, I guess that must be tough on you since you guys are so close,” I said. I felt sympathetic, but I also wondered how close they really were. Or maybe I just didn't rate a call to the best friend. Ihate when I do this to myself. Self doubt seems to be something I store in bulk, for just such an occasion.
“That's the great thing aboutus, we don't have to see each other all the time to know the other cares. We can not talk for a long time, but when we see each other it's like no time has passed at all. You'd like Killian, I think.”
“I hope I get to meet him, especially if he's so important to you,” I replied with a smile.
“You know what's funny? I think he'd say the same thing about you.”
I was feeling pretty damn good right then, and I don't think anyone could blame me. I had this gorgeous guy in my house, I didn't burn dinner, and we were getting to know each other. But the best part was...I liked him. I liked spending time with him, not just staring at him and wondering what he looked like under his clothes. He could make me laugh, carry on a good conversation, and we seemed to have some real chemistry.
Life is good.
I noticed his glass was empty.“More Coke?”
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“Please.”
I stood to get his drink and felt a small tug near my waist. Too late I realized it was because the tablecloth was stuck to my belt buckle, caught by loose threads. The same loose threads I had carefully put on my side of the table so he wouldn't see them. I turned quickly and reached for the main dish as it toppled past my grasping fingers, followed quickly by damn near everything on the table.
So there we were in the kitchen, Jake at the table, fork in hand, and the rest of the meal on the floor at my feet.
Life sucks.
I sadly bent down to pick up the remnants of what had been a great evening when I noted Jake bending down next to me. As we picked up the dinner, he started giggling a bit. After a few seconds, I was unable to resist joining him.
“You know,” Jake said as he wiped up the chicken sauce, “this seems familiar.”
“Yeah, you andme cleaning up my messes.”
“I was going to ask you out that day.”
I stopped and stared at him. “You were?”
“Yeah.That's the day you smiled at me the first time.”
We were both kneeling on the floor, the mess between us, our eyes locked. Strangely, for me, I held his gaze without becoming embarrassed. It must have looked silly, dinner on the floor and us staring into each other's eyes. He smiled at me, and I returned it. He began to lean forward hesitantly.It's about to
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happen! He was getting closer, his face less than a foot from mine. I leaned in slightly, my lips parted. Suddenly, he lurched forward, crashing into me. The next thing I knew, I was looking up into his face in surprise, on my back with his chest on mine. In retrospect, I think he must have overbalanced and slipped on the sauce.
He started to giggle. I joined him and soon we were laughing loudly, lying on my kitchen floor in the remains of dinner. He looked down into my face and the laughter slowly faded away. He leaned in slowly, resting his lips on mine, soft, warm and fitting perfectly against my own. I kept my gaze on him. I wanted to remember every detail. He began to lift away, a cloud of self doubt in his eyes. I slid one arm behind him and placed my other hand on his neck. I gently pulled him towards me. The feel of his warm, smooth skin registered in my mind as his hair brushed across my face, tickling my cheeks.
His lips met mine once again with a renewed sense of purpose. There we were, entwined, my first kiss on the kitchen floor, holding a boy I was sure I was falling head over heels in love with, lying in the mess of my cooling dinner. I knew I'd never forget my first kiss!
Chapter 13
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Jake"
My first kiss withKody wasn't quite the way I'd imagined it, but it was better than anything I could have ever dreamed. Sure, we were lying in a splattered mess of chicken, sauce, rice, and vegetables in the middle of the kitchen floor, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was the feel of his lips against mine, the feel of my body pressed against his. I didn't want the moment to end, but, of course, like all good things, it had to eventually.
I gently broke the kiss and pushed myself up on my elbows so I could look into his beautiful face again. His eyes were shining, his lips wet, his cheeks rosy—he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. And then he spoke.
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“The sauce is soaking through my underwear.”
I snorted and started giggling again.
“No, seriously!” he protested. “It's kind of sticky and...well, wet. It feels really nasty.”
I kissed him lightly on the nose and used the table to pull myself up off of him, then extended my hand to pull him to his feet. We were both a royal mess. I had food on the knees of my brand new black jeans and down the sleeves of both arms.Kody was even worse. When he turned around, I saw he was coated from the center of his back to below his pert little bum. He twisted around to get a look at the mess and grimaced. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing again.
“Great,” he muttered. He looked back down at the floor and he appeared as if he might cry at any second. “I'm so sorry. Everything is ruined—”
“No,” I said quickly, cutting him off. “Nothing is ruined. We had a great dinner—well, most of it anyway—and great conversation, and I found out that you're a great kisser.” He blushed scarlet and ducked his head to hide a pleased smile. “And the night is far from over.” He looked up with a surprised expression.
“But we're a mess...”
“So we change,” I said with a shrug, then added playfully. “Come on, I'll help you.” I grabbed his shirt tail and tugged it up. He giggled and spun away with a squeal. I chased him around the table, almost slipping on the sauce again. I grabbed him around the waist from behind and swung him around. His shirt bunched up under his arms and I couldn't help but take a peek at his flat tummy. His underwear was sticking out above the waist of his jeans in that way that I find ever-so-sexy. I did a double-take.
I set him down and spun him around to face me, my arms still tight around his waist.
“Is it my imagination, or is my name on your underwear?” I asked with a teasing grin.
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Kody'smouth and eyes flew open in abject horror. “I...it's...they...” he sputtered.
I squeezed him even tighter and leaned into whisper into his ear, “It'sokay. I'm wearingKody boxers.”
He blinked.“Really?”
I laughed. “No, but I think it's sexy as hell that my name is on yours.”
He flushed red again and tickled my sides so I let go of him with a yelp.
“This sauce is getting cold now and it's even grosser,”Kody said with as much dignity as he could muster. “I've got to go change. What are you going to do?”
I started to answer flippantly with “Watch,” but realized that might be pushing things a bit too far. WhileKody certainly seemed to catch on quick when it came to this whole flirting business, I had to keep reminding myself that he was really innocent and inexperienced. How inexperienced I wasn't sure, but it was obvious that this was all new to him. He was so adorably awkward, yet so very earnest. “Maybe I should go see if Nick has something I can wear,” I suggested. “He's a little taller than me, but it should be okay.”
Kodypulled a face. “Great. I'll never hear the end of this from him. Can you tell him that we had an earthquake or something and he just missed it?”
I laughed. “I'll make sure he doesn't give you a hard time.”
Kodyrolled his eyes, but turned towards his bedroom without a word. I wanted to follow him, but I made myself turn around and walk to the door. I knocked on Nick's door and waited. The sauce really was starting to get cold. It was quite uncomfortable.
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Nick swung open the door and looked surprised to find me standing there.“Uh, hey. Aren't you supposed to be having dinner withKody ?”
“I am. Or I was. But then we had a little incident.”
“Oh shit, man! Is everything all right?”
“Oh yeah.I just...could I borrow some clothes?”
“What?” He looked utterly confused. He took a step back to allow more light by, and took a closer look at me.“Dude! What happened?”
“Long story.”
“You can't have my clothes unless I get the story.”
“Fine, just let me get out of these. The sauce is getting cold and let me tell you, it does not feel good.”
He stepped back a little more to let me walk in. He took a better look at me after he shut the door.
“You know, I've heard some crazy shit, but this is really kinky.”
I laughed. “Clothes, Nick.”
“Story, Jake.”
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“I knocked the food off the table and then slipped in it, okay?” He gave me a skeptical look. “Ask Kody !” I insisted. I'd have to be sure to tellKody what the new story was, just in case he did ask—which I was sure he would.“Clothes?”
He shrugged. “Jeans okay?”
“That's fine.”
He disappeared into the bedroom and I quickly toed off my shoes, peeled off the soiled jeans, and started unbuttoning my shirt.
A sharp wolf whistle announced Nick's reappearance. “Damn, Jake,” he said appreciatively. He stood in the doorway and ogled my body.
“Five bucks a minute, Pederson. Cash only. Keep staring, I need the money.”
Nick shook his head and grinned as he tossed me the jeans. I pulled them on,then looked at him expectantly.
“What?” he asked.
“Shirt?”
“Oh yeah.You sure you need it? I'm sureKody would like it better without one...”
“Shirt, please?”
He grinned and disappeared into his bedroom again. He came back out a minute later and handed me a red pullover.
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I pulled it over my head and ran my hands down the soft material. It fit snugly. “I like this,” I said.
“Keep it. It's a little small on me.”
“Really?”He nodded. “Thanks!” I put my shoes back on,then bent to pick up the dirty clothes.
“Leave them. I'll wash them and get them back to you.” I looked up with surprise. “Hey, consider it my part in helping this little love affair along. Now get back to your boy. I know how hard he worked to make this night perfect. Try not to mess it up, huh?”
I quickly crossed the room and gave Nick a brief hug before heading back toKody's apartment. I gave a brief rap before walking in.Kody was on his knees in the floor cleaning up the mess. Like me, he'd changed into another pair of jeans, but his polo shirt was a smoky blue-gray that reflected the color of his eyes perfectly. He looked up as I approached and gave me a crooked grin.
“How about if you stay where you are?” he quipped. “I think we'd all be safer that way...and besides, I can look at you better from here.”
I smiled and did a little pirouette. “Like what you see?”
“Oh yeah.Don't tell him I said this, but Nick's clothes look better on you than they do on him.”
I laughed. “By the way, in case he asks, the story is that I knocked the food off the table and then fell in it.”
“But that's not what happened!”
“I know that, and you know that, but Nick doesn't.”
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“You didn't have to do that!”
“I know, but this way he won't ride you about it.” I edged closer to where he was kneeling.
“Jake...”
“Kody, it's not a big deal. I feel stupid just standing here watching you clean up. Isn't there something I can do?”
“I'm almost done. You can hold the trash bag so I can throw all this crap in there. Just don't get too close. I don't want you to slip again.”
“I'm a little more prepared now.” I picked up the trash bag and held it open whileKody tossed in the food and paper towels he'd used to clean up.
“So much for dinner,” he said with a sigh.
“It was really good,Kody . I can't believe you cooked it yourself. I can't wait to see what's for dessert.”
His face registered dismay. “I forgot dessert!”
I tried not to laugh at his pitiful expression. “It's okay,” I soothed. “In fact, it's good.”
“Good? How can it be good? I forgot dessert! Everybody knows that's like the most important part of dinner. God! What else can I mess up?”
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“This is my chance to thank you for dinner. Now I get to take you out for dessert. Where should we go?”
“I don't know.” He was still visibly upset, so I squatted down next to him.
“Kody, we could have had Big Mac's and apple pies from Mickey Dee's and this night would have still been perfect. I don't care if dinner ended up on the floor and you forgot dessert. So what if things didn't go exactly as you planned? We got to spend time together and that's what matters.Right?”
A smile slowly spread across his face, transforming him into one of Raphael's angels.“Right.”
I couldn't resist any longer. I bounced to my feet, pulling him up with me. I drew him into me as I slid my arms around his waist.Kody's arms snaked around my neck and we met halfway. The kiss was amazing. It lasted several minutes and I thought my knees would buckle. There was no doubt about it; this kid was a quick study. We broke reluctantly apart, both of us panting. I wondered ifKody could feel my erection pressing into his body. “Or we could just skip dessert and stay here,” I said in a husky voice.
Kodypretended to pout. “I wanted chocolate cake.” think I can live without it.”
I raised an eyebrow and he grinned. “But I
He stepped back, sliding his hands down my arms and slipping them into my hands. He pulled me towards the couch and uttered the time-worn but never unwelcome words, “Let's get more comfortable.”
I was ready to do whatever he said, anything to taste his lips again. I let him lead me across the apartment and onto the couch, where our bodies slid together like two pieces of a puzzle, a perfect fit. For a few moments, I just lightly traced the outlines of his face with my finger tips. He was so beautiful, so pure...and he wanted me. The idea blew my mind, made me deliriously happy and unspeakably terrified at the same time. Would he still want me if I told him everything? He'd surprised me over and over so far, but how much was too much?
He must have seen the uncertainty in my eyes, because he gently reached up and stroked my cheek. “Don't be scared,” he said in a barely audible voice. “I won't hurt you.”
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My breath caught in my throat. I couldn't look away from his eyes. I was lost in their smoky depths. I don't know how long we stared into each other's souls, but the spell was suddenly broken when the phone rang.Kody shot an exasperated look in the direction of the ringing instrument. I was surprised it didn't melt into a pool of molten plastic from the intensity of his stare alone.
“I'm not answering it,” he said through clenched teeth.
“Why not?”
“Because I just knowit's Dad or Charlie.”
We watched the phone as it rang about ten times then finally fell silent.Kody turned back to me with a smug smile. He opened his mouth to say something just as it started up again.
“Arg!” he yelled.
“You better get it,” I said, rolling off of him. “It could be an emergency.”
“Emergency my ass,” he grumbled as he got up and stomped over to the phone. “Hello?” If I'd been on the other end of the phone when he answered in that tone of voice I would have promptly apologized and hung up. Whoever it was had a stronger constitution than I, however.Kody listened for a few seconds then rolled his eyes.
“Dinner was fine, Dad. Thanks ever so much for calling to check.” Pause. “Yes, it was delicious...until I dumped it in on the floor.” Pause. “I'll tell you later.” Pause. “Yes, he's still here.” Pause. “No, you can't talk to him.” Pause.“Dad! I have to go. I'll call you later. No, wait.Tomorrow. I'll call you tomorrow.” He hastily hung up and turned to face me, red-faced and tight-lipped. “Sorry about that.”
“Don't be,” I said. “That's parents for you.” I held my arms out to him and he came towards me with a small smile. I pulled him down onto the couch and he snuggled into me.
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“I can't believe he called,”Kody groused. “It's like he doesn't trust me or something.”
“Maybe it's me he doesn't trust,” I said with a snicker.
“It's not like I'm some dumb little kid.”
“Well, you are kind of little.”
He punched me in the arm.
“Hey, watch it with that thing. I've seen your fists of fury in action.” That got a giggle out of him. “Calm down,Kody . So your dad called to check up on you. What's the big deal? It just shows how much he loves you. I mean, you're the oldest right?”
“Yeah,” he admitted slowly, as if he knew where I was going and he didn't like it. He wasn't ready to give up on his pout just yet.
“So, this is the first time your dad has gone through all this. It can't be easy having you leave and move across the country. He probably misses you, and he probably feels like he's missing out on important things in your life.”
He sighed. “I guess you're right.”
“Of course I am. You'll quickly learn that I'm always right.” He rolled his eyes. “Hey! Don't roll your eyes at me, Mister!” I started tickling him and soon had him squirming and laughing hysterically.
“Okay!” he cried breathlessly. “Okay, you win! I give up.”
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I stopped tickling him and sat back, watching him gasp out a few residual giggles.
He sat up.“How about dessert now? I'm hungry.”
“You should be. You didn't eat much before you tossed it all in the floor.”
He stuck out his tongue at me.
“Don't stick that thing out unless you plan on using it,” I warned.
“Oh, I plan on using it.”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah.”He slowly started to lean in towards me, lowering his eyelids and licking his lips seductively. My heart started racing and I leaned in towards him, eager to pick up where we'd left off earlier. Just before our lips met, he suddenly licked the tip of my nose and jumped up. “Come on, I'm hungry.”
*** I didn't get back to my dorm until fairly late that evening. AfterKody and I left his apartment, we found a little ice cream shop. We got a large chocolate fudge sundae to share and fed it to each other. After that, we went back to his apartment and made out for a while. It was heavenly. I would have stayed the night if he'd asked, but I sensed he wasn't quite ready for that yet. Eventually, I knew I'd better leave before things went farther. I didn't want him to regret anything about this evening when he thought back about it later. So I'd reluctantly pulled away and told him I needed to go because I had some work to do for class the next morning. We made as far as the door where the kiss good night got a little out of hand, and it was another five minutes before I actually left.
I used the walk back to my room to cool down and think about what had happened between us. We'd certainly gotten the first kiss out of the way. Not to mention numbers two through ninety-nine. Even when we weren't kissing, though, we'd had a real connection. We could talk to each other about real
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things, but we could tease each other too. I knew I'd have to tell him my whole story soon—just not yet.
I unlocked my door and started into my room when I was stopped in my tracks at the sound of grunting and a bed squeaking. I stifled a moan and hastily backed out of the room. Just what I needed to walk in and see: Foster screwing his girlfriend, white ass in the air. I shuddered and desperately tried to clear that image from my mind. I decided to go down and see whatErinwas up to.
I knocked on her door and waited. I could hear sounds of movement from inside, but there was no answer. I sighed and walked away. She was probably busy with Carlos. Everybody was getting some but me. Well, it was probably a safe bet thatRoywas alone, but I didn't even know where his room was. He was always in mine.
I decided to head down to the Coop and see what was going on down there. Someone had come up with the bright idea of naming the campus hangout after a chicken coop. The sign by the door showed a proud rooster standing guard in front of his henhouse, but thankfully, they'd drawn the line at decorating. The restaurant looked like any other campus diner, with red-upholstered booths and a scattering of round tables. They have a small menu of mostly junk food type items, but nobody really goes there for the food. I stepped in and scanned the assembled students. It was fairly crowded for this late on a Sunday night. I heard a donkey bray of a laugh and turned to see a flash of bright red hair. What wasErin doing there?
I made my way across the room to stand at her elbow. She was talking animatedly to a dark-haired girl I'd never seen before. It tookErina few seconds to notice me, and when she did, she let out an ear-piercing squeal.
“Jake! I'm so glad to see you! I've been dying to hear about your date. I tried staking out your room but your charming roommate came back with hisskanky girlfriend, and they looked like they might be a while so I gave up and came here.”
“Yeah, well, I walked in on Foster and hisskanky girlfriend, as you put it, while they were, uh, engaged in activity. I made a speedy exit. Actually, I went to your room, and I could have sworn I heard someone moving around in there. I figured you and Carlos were, uh, busy as well.”
She laughed. “I wish. Carlos is in my room alright, and he's busy, but not with me. Busy puking his guts up is more like it.” I made a face. “Yeah, tell me about it. I stayed for a while and tried to be the supportive maternal type, but let's face it, that's not me. Finally, I told him to stay as long as he needed to but I just couldn't hang around anymore listening to him vomit and wiping his forehead. Nurse Nightingale
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I'm not.”
“Can't say I'd want you for my nurse.”
She laughed. “Oh, Jake, this isChrissy. She's an RA in Cayuga.Chrissythis is my friend Jake.”
We exchanged pleasantries, and thenChrissysaid she needed to go.
“I hope I didn't chase her off,” I said after she'd left.
Erinrolled her eyes. “If you did I should thank you. She's so god-awful boring. I mean, get a personality already.”
“You have enough personality for the both of you.”
“True. So...tell me everything. What was it like? What was he wearing? What did he cook for you? Was it any good? I love a man who can cook. Did you guys do it?”
“Slow down! I can only answer one question at a time.Kody was wearing jeans and shirt.”
“Oh come on, you gotta give me more than that.”
“Okay,” I giggled. “He was wearing these jeans that just hugged him everywhere and this sexy tight black button-up shirt, but the best part was that his underwear has my name on them.”
“What?”
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“Yeah, it's some brand, Jake and Company or something like that. It was wild.”
“And just how did you discover that fact?” she asked suggestively.
“Not the way you're thinking. See, while we were eating...”
“Oh! What did he cook?”
“Something French, chicken with this sauce, it was really good but I don't remember the name, if he even mentioned it. Anyway, as I was saying, while we were eating, he stood up to get me something to drink, and somehow, the tablecloth snagged on his belt—or it was tucked into his pants, I don't know. Either way, he yanked the whole thing off the table and all the food hit the floor.”
“Ohno !”
“Oh yes. I thought he was going to start crying right there. I felt so bad for him. He was trying to clean it up, so I went to help him, and I somehow slipped and fell on top of him. We were both covered in food, so we had to change. I saw his underwear then, but just the band.”
“You changed together but you only saw the band of his underwear?”
“We didn't change together. I changed at Nick's apartment.”
“How disappointing.Other than that little mishap, how was it?”
“It was really amazing.Erin, he's so incredible. When I got there, it was so cute. He had the lights all turned down low and candles lit on the table. It was obvious he'd worked so hard, and he was so nervous. But then we got talking and he relaxed. It was just so...wow.”
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Eringiggled. “It sounds like somebody has got it bad.”
“I do.”
“So, did you guys get it on?”
“No, actually we didn't.”
“Oh God, please tell me you atleast kissed him.”
“We did do that.”
“Whew. You were about to shatter all my stereotypes about guys in general, and gay guys in particular. I mean, I can only handle so much virtuousness. Is he a good kisser?”
“The best.”
“Aww.How cute.Hyperbole.And after only your second date.”
“Shut up. I really like him, Erin. And that scares the shit out of me.”
“Okay, that's the second time you've said something like that. Why are you so scared? You're sweet, smart, funny, and God knows you're cute as hell, so what do you have to be scared of?”
“My past.”
“Right.So you were like a government assassin? You chopped the heads off babies? You kill and eat
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your mates? What could be so bad?”
I was filled with indecision. I wanted to tell her, but at the same time, I was afraid of her reaction too. I took a deep breath and decided to take the plunge. “I used to do drugs and drink...a lot.”
“Oh no!” she gasped in mock horror. “I don't know if I can ever speak to you again!”
“That's not all. While I was addicted to drugs, I got involved with a man, an older man. He was very powerful, a drug dealer, or a drug smuggler to be more exact. He provided me drugs...in exchange for...”
“Oh, Jake,” she said softly. “I'm so sorry. I didn't know...”
“It gets worse. Not only was I pretty much a whore, but I was a whore to this guy who was a very bad person. He hurt people, a lot of people. He was a murderer, and I don't just mean in the drug-dealer sense. I mean he actually killed people. Then it came back to bite him in the ass. He was murdered while I was at his house. I don't remember anything since I was busy overdosing at the time. I was found unconscious with a gun in my hand and a dead body in the room with me. Naturally, I was suspect numerouno .”
“Oh my God!”
“I'd probably be in jail except for my best friend, Killian. He's a private investigator and he found the real killer. I owe him my life, several times over by now. So there you have it, my story in a nutshell, minus all the sordid details. I was a whore and a druggie.”
“But...you overcame all that! Jake, you should be proud of who you are, not ashamed for what you did in your past. I mean, you don't do drugs anymore, right?”
“No, I don't even drink. I've been clean for about a year.”
“See! You're a survivor, a fighter! You conquered demons that kill most people.”
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I blinked away a sudden onslaught of tears. “I guess I never thought about it like that.”
“I think you should trustKody enough to tell him the truth.”
“But he's so pure and innocent!”
“And I'm not?” she said with a raised eyebrow.
“Well, I didn't want to say anything, but...” She swatted at me playfully. “Trust him, Jake. You can't keep something like that hidden. It's a part of who you are. If he cares about you as much as I think he does, he won't care about your past, only the man you are today. Keeping it a secret could do more harm in the long run than just being honest.”
“I know you're right. I'm just so scared.”
“Tell him.” “I will, when the time is right.”
She smiled and slipped out of her seat and slid into my side of the booth to give me a hug. “Thank you for trusting me with the truth,” she whispered into my ear.
I held her close and squeezed my eyes shut in silent gratitude. I was so glad to have made such a good friend here.
“Well, well,” a caustic voice snarled, interrupting our moment. I turned to find a very angryBecca standing next to our booth, eyes narrowed and hands on her hips. “Why don't you introduce me to your girlfriend, Jake?”
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I rolled my eyes. This chick was really getting on my nerves. I started to tell her thatErinwas just a friend, but then I realized that I didn't owe her any explanations. “This isErin,” I said simply.
“I see,” she spat. “So you're only gay when you want to get rid of somebody, is that it? I knew you weren't gay when you fed me that load of crap. Nobody who looks like you could be gay.”
“And you're an expert on what gay people look like?”
“Oh please. I can't believe you'd rather be with this red-headed Amazon freak than me.”
Up till now,Erinhad been following our exchange with mild amusement, but now she drew herself up straight and narrowed her eyes menacingly. “Excuse me?”
“Was I talking to you?”
“When you talk to my man, you talk to me,” Erin responded acidly as she placed her arm possessively around my shoulders. I was tempted to let this cat-fight play out, but pretty much everyone in the Coop was now watching, and I thought I'd better put an end to things before they got out of hand.
“Becca, Erin isn't my girlfriend,” I said as I shrugged out from underErin's arm. “She's my friend. I am gay, and I have a boyfriend.” At least, I hoped I did. “But even ifErinwas my girlfriend it wouldn't be any of your business. I wouldn't date you even if Iwas straight and you were the last girl on campus. I have standards.”
Becca'smouth dropped open in shock asErinsnorted and scattered applause broke out around the room.
“So, if you'll excuse us,” I continued, “we were in the middle of a private conversation before you so rudely interrupted.”
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“Oh! I...you...son of a bitch!” she sputtered. “You littlefag ! I'll....I'll...”
“Thank you for proving my point.Buh-bye.” I waved and deliberately turned my back to her.
“You'regonna be sorry, Jake. I'll make you sorry.”
I glanced over my shoulder with studied casualness. “I'm already sorry—sorry we ever met.”
“Oh!” She spun on her heel and stormed away.
I started laughing as soon as she was out of sight. “Damn, that felt good,” I said between giggles.
“Bravo!”Erinsaid with a grin. “I'm impressed. Remind me never to get on your bad side.”
I chucked her gently under the chin and winked. “You could never get on my bad side, kiddo.”
She laughed. “Lord, aren't we full of ourselves? Don't get too cocky. You know what they say about a woman scorned.”
I shrugged dismissively.“Becca? I'm not worried about her.”
“Don't say I didn't warn you.”
If only I'd listened to her advice.
Chapter 14
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Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Kody"
Morning sunlight streamed through the curtains and across my face. Specifically, over my eyes, and the eyelids weren't doing a great job of blocking the light and letting me go back to sleep. I groaned. Jesus, I need thicker curtains. An insistent rapping came from the living room and I pulled my pillow over my face. If possible, the rapping got worse. I rolled out of bed and stomped to the front door and to the source of my irritation. I then had a thought. What if it was Jake? I couldn't open the door looking like this!
I darted back to the bathroom and quickly dampened my hair, running a comb through it while the rapping grew more intense. I squirted toothpaste on the brush and made a few quick swipes before rinsing. I couldn't give him dragon breath for his first kiss of the day.
I headed back for the door, realized I was clad only in boxer-briefs, and decided to go with it. Who knows, maybe I can make his jaw drop again. I opened the door to find a smiling Nick, with two cups of coffee.
“Damn, I am bringing you coffee more often!”
“Christ, Nick—I thought you were Jake!” I said, turning away from him as I felt the hot flush of embarrassment spread across my face like a wildfire. I headed to my bedroom for pants.
“I don't care if you call me Phyllis so long as you answer the door like that. Want to be my houseboy?”
“Har,har , very funny, Nick.”I emerged from the bedroom with a pair of jeans and the polo from the
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night before. Nick smirked at me and handed me a coffee cup.
“You're grumpy in the morning,” Nick observed as he sat on my couch.
“I didn't get much sleep last night,” I mumbled while I sipped my coffee. Nick's eyebrows shot up, and I mentally scolded myself for my choice in words.
“Wow! Jake moves fast. You guys knocking boots already?”
“Nick, you can be so sweet. Why do youchoose to be an asshole?” I glared at him over my coffee cup.
“Oh, well, I'm sorry. I just thought…”
“No, that's not what happened.” I sipped my coffee while Nick waited, properly chastised. I knew now he would wait until I spoke, if nothing else because he didn't want to piss me off anymore. I took a few sips and savored the hot liquid before meeting Nick's gaze.
“The suspense is killing me,” he muttered before sipping his coffee.
“Why? You've been kissed before, what's the big deal?”
“Because, dude! It's your first time! It's the kiss all others will be judged by, and somehow found lacking! It's total magic.” He was almost whining. I giggled.
“It wasn't magic at all. I've imagined kissing plenty of other guys, Jake among them of course. But I really wasn't prepared for this.” I furrowed my brow. “I don't think anything really could have prepared me.”
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“Yeah?”
I nodded as I thought back to `the kiss' as it would forever be known in my head. Some people describe such things as `electric' or some equally clumsy term. Magic didn't really cover it either. I don't think anything really matches up to the heights to which love can bring you.
“Nick, he was so gentle and loving…I was so worried I wouldn't do it right…Nick, I'm in love.”
“Love?Are you sure about that? You haven't known Jake all that long.” Nick's face was set in a slight frown.
“I feel so wonderful when I'm around him. He makes colors seem brighter and jokes funnier.” I gave Nick a meaningful look. “There is nothing on this earth sexier than Jacob Sheridan.”
“Wow. I guess red is his color?”
“I couldn't sleep last night.” I got up and went to the window looking down on the sparse foot traffic below. “How could I? Not after he was here, not after he has become this…beautiful thing in my life. No, I couldn't sleep. I studied the street in case he changed his mind. I don't know if I am ready for everything, but I know when it happens…no magic could ever match it.”
“That was…almost poetry.”
I looked at Nick. “That's what he does to me. My God! I am so sappy! How am I supposed to do anything knowing Jake is out there? Do you have any idea how hard it was to let him leave? I wanted him to stay. I really did. I was still a little bit scared...I don't know what to do in bed. I'm still afraid I'll disappoint him somehow.”
“I think you'd have to work really hard to disappoint Jake at all.”
“I'm still scared.”
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“Yeah, love will do that to you. My Jake was like that, but I'm thankful he still loves me anyway.”
“Oh God,” I moaned while I stretched and decided it was time to change the subject. “What've you got planned today?”
“I was thinking of inviting Steve to dinner. I would like you to stay here though, since you and Jake seem to think of dinner as fashion rather than food.”
“Remind me again why I like you?” Nick just smiled and sipped his coffee.
*** I put it off as long as I reasonably could. I put away the laundry from the day before, which I had carefully hidden in the bedroom closet. I cleaned the kitchen, erasing any remaining evidence of the tryst in chicken sauce. Dishes dried and put away, threadbare carpet vacuumed…I just couldn't avoid it any longer. I was honestly surprised they hadn't called yet.
I imagined Charlie bugging out and my dad restraining himself from calling to set a good example for Charlie. I smiled a bit at that. It really was a cute picture of a caring family. I fished out my phone card and called home.
“Hello?” Sheridan, Dad's `significant other', answered. I always call him that `causeI tell him he's too old to be someone's `boyfriend'. He's actually pretty cool, a couple of years younger than Dad. It was funny how they met.Sheridanwas a delivery man for a local bakery and my dad was making the most obvious stares. Ikinda ,sorta cluedSheridanin and he finally stayed for a cup of coffee with dad. Next thing we know, we added a new member to the family.
“Hi! Can I speak to the lady of the house?” I asked in my best telemarketer voice.
“Sure, hold on.”
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There were some sounds in the background, feet moving and my dad picked up.
“Hello?”
“That's great, Dad. I askedSheridanfor the lady of the house and he gets you instead of Charlie.” I laughed into the phone.
“Oh yeah?He'll gethis, or rather hewon't be getting any !” Dad yelled forSheridanto hear. I giggled.
“Okay brat, tell me all about the date and Mr. Wonderful.”
“First, his name is Jake, and that's not to imply he's not wonderful `causehe is.” “Okay, well, does Jake have a last name?”
“Yeah, it'sSheridan. Jake Sheridan. Sounds like he'd fit right in, doesn't he?”
“Cute. Tell me more about him and your date.”
“Well, Jake is about four inches taller than I am...”
“Isn't everyone?” Dad snorted.
“You want to hear this or not?”
“Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Go on, please.”
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I made him wait a second or two before I started again. “He has blue eyes, real sky blue eyes. His hair is dark blond, some lighter streaks where the sun bleached it a little. It's not really long, but it does fall in his eyes sometimes…”
“Okay! I get the picture. He's a beauty. How was dinner?”
“Um, it all tasted good. I followed the cooking instructions just fine,” I dissembled.
“So what happened? Did he like it?”
“Yeah!He thought it was really good.” Dad remained silent for a few moments, and I imagined I could hear the wheels turning in his head.
“There is something here you aren't saying. I just know it. Something you mentioned last night…” He sounded as if he were trying to remember something.
“Well, no, not really.”
“Kody…”
“Okay, alright. I dumped dinner on the kitchen floor.”
“How…” he chuckled, “How did you manage that?”
I sighed deeply. This would be told at family gatherings for the rest of my life, I was sure.
“The table cloth snagged on my belt, and I pulled it all clean off the table.Made a total mess.”
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“Oh,Kody …I'm sorry, Son. It sounded like it was going really well up to then.” I was somewhat mollified that he had stopped giggling and turned serious.
“It kind of worked out,” I said with a smile.
“How's that?”
“Well, I was cleaning it up and he came over to help and slipped in the sauce and…sort of fell on me.”
“Fell…on you?”
“Yeah,like, whole body kind of thing. We were giggling and then….he kissed me.”
“On the kitchen floor?”
“Uh huh.”
“Lying on the remains of dinner?”
“Yep.Right there.”
“And?”
“It was beautiful. In fact, I'd say it was perfect.”
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“Kody, that's great. He better be good to you `cause I'll get on a plane and—” Dad started to gear up but I jumped in to defend Jake.
“Dad, Jake isn't like that. He's really sensitive and…well, sometimes I feel like I'm the one with the strength, you know?”
“You have a ton of strength. I just want you to be happy.”
“I am. He's made me so, so happy.”
“I'm glad. Charlie was really worried things wouldn't work out, but if you dumped dinner and ruined his clothes and still got a kiss out of it, I guess it all worked out.”
“Yeah, it sure did.” I smiled at the thought.
“So, did you stay in your ruined clothes all night?” Dad asked lightly. My senses, however, were on high alert. He was fishing for something, and if I wasn't careful I'd be in a ton of shit.
“No, we changed…” I said slowly.
“Where?” he asked in a leading tone.
“In a phone booth, just like Superman, Dad.”
“There's no need to get snotty.”
“Dad, I got kissed, not laid,” I sighed.
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“Okay, fine, blame your dad for caring!”
“Yeah, my dearold dad!”I giggled.
“Oh, you'll pay for that one. I guess I can take this computer right back to the store.”
“No, no! Don't do that! I could really use it for school!” I turned from giggly to whiny in under a second.
“I'll try to remember that, if my Alzheimer's isn't too bad. Who are you again?”
“Dad!”
“Love you, boy. Here's Charlie before he wets his pants.”
The phone rustled as it changed hands and Charlie burst on the line. He'd obviously been right next to the phone listening.
“He kissed you?” he asked excitedly.
“Yeah, he really did.” I smiled to myself at his enthusiasm.
“Aww, man!Yes! That's awesome! Was it worth it all,Kody ?All that stressing and worrying?”
“Totally, Charlie.He's so sweet. He doesn't mind that I turn into a klutz around him. You should see him in red. He looks good in blue, but red makes him so,so sexy!”
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“If he can take you being klutzy, man, you are all set. Grab onto him and never let go!”
“I have absolutely no intention of letting him go anywhere!”
“What's this about dropping dinner on the floor?” I rolled my eyes and retold the story for him, which ended not in his giggles but in a heartfelt sigh. “Kody, that is just about the most romantic thing ever. Things like that never happen for real. He's really special.”
“Yeah, I know. I've been trying to tell you guys that since school started.” I laughed.
“Does he live on campus?”
“Yeah, the Mohawk dorm.His friend Erin is the RA there. She's pretty cool too.”
“What's his phone number?”
“I don't know. Why do you want his number?”
“So I can make sure he'll be good to you, of course!”
“Even if I had it, forget it!”
“Kody, how am I supposed to protect you if you won't tell me what I need to know? Okay, fine, be that way.” He sighed. “So listen, I want a picture.”
“Charlie, I don't have a camera.”
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“So?”
“They take pictures, remember?”
“Go to the mall. They have those cheesy things that take three for five bucks. I just want some pictures!”
“Why is this so important?” I was starting to like the idea, though. I wouldn't mind having some picturesmyself .
“I want to rub it in Andy's face that you got someone better! Plus, I want to know what my brother-in-law looks like.”
“Charlie, I don't think you need to rub it in Andy's face,” I scolded him.
“Yes I do. That wasfuckin ' wrong what he did.”
I sighed. Andy was the last time I got shot down big time. He was blond and kind of small like a woodland elf or something. I adored him, did anything he asked right down togophering for the band he was sort of managing. They needed a venue to play in for a kind of a concert. I told them to see my dad. Above everything else he's a soft touch when it comes to me or Charlie. He knew I really wanted Andy, but he also knew there was no way to tell me Andy was in love with someone else, so he agreed.
Things were going well. Andy looked wonderful, and I was hoping to have a really good talk with him after the show and tell him how I felt. What I didn't realize was that everyone could see how I felt, and Andy decided to tell everyone that he didn't love me like I did him—in front of the whole place, right before a song he learned to sing for me, I guess. I wasn't there for the song. I was upstairs with my heart breaking. I thought at the time it was all over.
Andy broke my heart and embarrassed me. Some people snickered the next day, which only added to my feeling like a loser. I couldn't bring myself to face Andy or the band after that, though Charlie was
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pretty vocal on my behalf and had a couple unexplained cuts and bruises shortly thereafter. Some big brother I am. He goes and defends whatever honor I had.
I felt differently now, of course. Jake had validated me and made me feel as though I could find some happiness, could fall in love and not be afraid. I understood what Andy thought he was doing, but I still can't forgive the way he did it, or the looks I got afterward. Sometimes, when I am at my lowest points, I feel like I'm worth no more than those looks implied I was. In Jake's arms,FortKnoxcan't match what I am worth.
“I'mgonna get going, Charlie. I love you man.”
“I love you too.”
*** I avoided work that day. I knew they would be itching to hear about every detail but for now, I just wanted to see Jake. I walked up the street, kicking myself for not having gotten his phone number. If he kept it on the tip of his tongue, or in his tonsils I would have found it! I weaved through the foot traffic and crossed the street to avoid the Morning Rush's windows. I walked on to the quiet campus where some students milled about and others walked along on errands.
I approached Mohawk dormitory with a spring in my step and a smile curling my mouth as I thought of seeing Jake. I opened the door to see a squat girl with black hair sitting on the corner of the on-duty desk. She was talking to Roy, who was looking…shy? What was he up to?
“HiRoy.”I waved to him as I walked towards the elevator.
“Hi,Kody ,” he said distractedly, his full attention on the girl in front of him.
“Excuse me, are you a resident here?” the girl questioned.
“He's okay, Jen. He's Jake's boyfriend.” I started slightly atRoy's rumbling explanation.
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“Oh, you mean the Jake Erin's always talking about?” She smiled. I tried to smile back, but I felt weird.Roywas explaining to someone my status, one that Jake hadn't really said I had achieved yet. What if Jake just wanted to be friends? What if he didn't want to date me, like,be a boyfriend? Suddenly I was filled with self doubt, and loathed it.
“You're ok with gays,Roy?” Jen asked him.
“Um, yeah.Jake's a good guy. He's my friend. He likesKody , so he's my friend too.”Amazing. He made things sound so simple.
“Points in your favor,Roy.”She smiled at him. Would this elevator ever get here?
“Yeah?”Roysmiled. The doors slid open as she smiled at him. From the looks of things,Royhad made another friend. I just hoped for his sake she wasn't a lesbian.
The elevator creaked and groaned to the third floor, and I was happy to be off of it. Next time I was taking the stairs. I found Jake's room. Two stars on the door read `Jacob' and `Foster'. I wondered if he had a cute roommate. He'd never mentioned what his roommate was like. I felt a stab of jealousy. Some other guy was sharing a room with Jake—my Jake.
I knocked on the door and waited, letting my jealousy evaporate under the glare of my self doubt. Jake had never said we were a couple. If he has something going on with this guy then I could just butt out. No need to be the boy on the side or anything. The door swung open to reveal Jackhammer Face from the party. He didn't look pleased in his boxers and tee shirt, which showed that he was indeed a strapping, if ugly, specimen. At least all thoughts of Jake fooling with him left my head, replaced by thoughts of my imminent death.
“What?” he grumbled.
Okay. So it didn't look like he recognized me.
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“Um, is Jake here?” I managed. My heart beat violently and thoughts of flight filled my head.
“You his…boyfriend?”Theword hung in the air—not quite soiled, but not quite clean either.
“Yeah, that's him Foster,” Jake's voice sounded from my right.
I turned towards the sound of his voice to see his smiling face, fresh from a shower it would seem from the damp hair. That wasn't the only thing I noted. His blue eyes were sparkling, contrasting against his tan skin—a lot of tanned skin. He was only wearing shower sandals and jeans, with a towel draped over his arm. Droplets of water beaded here and there on his taut skin, smooth flesh that seemed flawless in my eyes. His chest was defined, there were definitely muscles there, but a bodybuilder he wasn't. His stomach, while not your typical fantasy six pack, was flat and thoroughly inviting, sending my mind off in a million naughty flights of fancy. A small line of hair marched rigidly down from his belly button only to disappear under the waistline of his jeans.
“Kody?”Jake waved a hand in front of me, breaking into my thoughts of grabbing onto him and pressing myself against his warm flesh, just to know what it would feel like.
“You're….yeah...hi...good morning...” I stammered, blushing to my roots but unable to tear my eyes from their feast. His long arms dropped back to his side—strong arms with visible but not bulging muscle. I looked up into his face to see a blushing grin and resisted once more the urge to step into his embrace.
“Jesus,” Foster muttered as he turned away from the door.
“Just let me get some clothes on. Come on in.” Jake smiled at me and turned his smooth, strong back to me. Wide shoulders tapered down into a trim waist with small blond hairs dotting the tanned skin. I followed blindly.
“You guys aren't going to make out or anything, are you?” Foster grumbled.
“After the eyeful I got last night, Foster, we could do a lot more and still not be anywhere near as gross as you two were,” Jake snapped. Obviously, there was a bone of contention here. Foster declined to argue the point, simply rolling his ugly frame back into bed and pulling the covers up over his head.
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I tried not to watch Jake as he dug for a shirt in his closet. Instead, I glanced about the room. Jake's side was fairly neat, with a few books and CD's on shelves and a computer on his desk. Foster's side had empty beer bottles and his computer was on with a screen saver of some big-tittiedbroad. My mind kept wandering back to Jake, however, completely entranced by the physical side of him that I had never seen—but hoped to see more of. What would it feel like to touch his skin? Would it be as soft and smooth as it looked? Would it yield slightly to the touch, warm and supple?
He shrugged on a black button up shirt and I watched as the skin of his upper body disappeared from view, one agonizing button at a time. Jake favored me with another smile before digging for socks in a drawer. I felt silly, standing and watching him dress, but then I could also see myself years from now doing the same thing and enjoying it just as much. Jesus, I am so weird!
We stepped into the hallway a few minutes later, Jake regrettably dressed and my heartbeat returning to normal—or as close to it as I ever got with Jake around.
“I'm so glad you came over. I slept really late today. I never sleep this late,” Jake said as we walked to the elevator.
“I couldn't sleep last night either.” I avoided his gaze. He probably thought I sat up with a hard on all night considering the way I kept staring at him this morning.
“Well, I got back here and got an eyeful of Foster pounding his girlfriend.” Jake shivered to accentuate the horror of the situation. Wow! He walked in on that and lived to tell the tale? And to think, I was worried Jake might have a thing going with his roommate!
“So what did you do?”
“I went down to the club on campus and ran intoErin. She thinks you're cute.” He smiled at me. The elevator reached the lobby, and we stepped out whereRoywas still trying to make conversation with Jen. I tried to sneak, but Jake blew that out of the water by calling out a hello toRoy.
I felt sorry for him. The look on his face was lost. I think Jen had discovered he wasn't much of a
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conversationalist. As bad as I felt, I wanted time with Jake and willed him to keep moving for the door. I guess he couldn't hear me.
“Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend, Roy?” Jake said to him.
“Oh, yeah, this is Jen. Jen this is my friend Jake, the gay guy.” I winced inside asRoymade introductions. Jen looked over at me, practically a wallflower at this point.
“Looks like you found him. I can see why you were looking.” Jen smiled at Jake. Everyone thinks Jake is cute. I just hope he keeps thinking I am. I merely nodded at her and they engaged in a brief conversation, mostly aboutErinand the bragging she did about her friends this term.Erinreally cared for Jake, I realized, since she seemed to mention him to others so often.
At last, I was able to take Jake by the hand and lead him from the building beforeRoyinvited himself along. I may be mistaken, but I think Jen looked wistfully at us as we left.
“Kody, what's your rush?” Jake asked playfully.
“Ulterior motives, of course! I want you all to myself.”
“Okay, well, you got it mister.” He grinned at me. “What do you want to do?”
Ask if I'm your boyfriend,I thought to myself. Unfortunately, like the lion, I lacked the courage.
“We could go to the mall? Take the bus?”
“Sounds good.You know which bus to take?”
“Yep,” I replied confidently.
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“Well, sounds like you got it planned out.How about some coffee first?”
“Sure, there's a Dunkin Donuts up the street.”
“But I wanted to go to the Morning Rush.” Jake pouted a bit.
“Well…If it's what you want.” I knew they would tease me there and I wanted to enjoy my time with Jake without that, but if it was what he wanted, then we'd do it.
“Is there a reason you...don't want me in there?”
“No. Why?”
“Kody, you are the world's worst liar, you know that?” He laughed at me, a nervous sound.
“Okay, okay. They will make fun of me, tease me `causewe're...together. They'll ask me if we're boyfriends and all that. That's all.”That and I don't know what we are, exactly.
“So? Tell `em yeah, he's my boyfriend, hands off!” He laughed again, heartily, confidently.
“So...we're boyfriends?” I asked. This was too good to be true. I just had to ask and make sure I'd heard what he said correctly.
“Well, unless...you don't want to,” Jake said, stopping in mid-stride to look at me. Was he actually worried thatI'd say no tohim ?
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“Of course I want to,” I whispered. “I just didn't know if you...if you wanted to. I mean if you wantedme to be...um...”
Jake leaned in and put his forehead on mine and smiled at me. “You worry too much. You're really cute when you do it, but you worry too much. It's not just my choice what we are or what we do. If we're going to do this, it's together, fifty-fifty. Okay?”
I nodded dumbly, feeling like a moron.
“So do you want to be my boyfriend?” Jake asked softly.
“Yeah, more than anything,” I muttered, unable to meet his eyes.
“I want that too. Now that we've settled that, weren't we on our way somewhere?” He grinned at me again and my worries evaporated. I needed my head examined.
“I have to get a picture of you!” Jake's eyebrows shot up in surprise. “It's for my brother, not that I don't want one too, but he wants to see what you look like.” I decided I could tell him about Andy at a later date—much later.
“Can I have my coffee first?” Jake flashed me those beautiful blue eyes.
“Okay, but if they make fun of me, you'll pay for it.” I took his hand and dragged him forward.
We entered the shop and found the place deserted. No customers, no workers—it was like a ghost town.
“Hello?” I said. I walked in a little farther and looked towards the managers' office. The chair was empty. I walked to the back door and poked my head out, still seeing no one.
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“Where is everyone?” Jake wondered aloud and I shrugged my shoulders in response. Having no one in the store was freaky and somewhat disturbing.
The storage room door suddenly opened and Max stepped out, flushed and breathing heavily. She brushed her hair from her face, and I figured she was rearranging stock. Then I heard the unmistakable sound of a zipper going up floating from the closing door.
Max blushed very hard, covered her mouth with one hand, and giggled as she moved towards the counter. I looked at her in amazement and she giggled again.
“Did you need something,Kody ?” she asked.
“I just stopped in to get Jake some coffee,” I said nodding towards the aforementioned Jake. She nodded, handed me a cup, and shooed me away from the counter, all the while acting as if nothing had happened. I handed the cup to Jake, who went about filling it quickly.
“Hey Max, are you coming back?” Mike asked as he poked his head out of the store room. I burst out laughing and Max pushed us toward the door.This is unbelievable !
“Go! You can't talk about this! Go!” she hissed, but as I looked at her face, I could only see the tongue stud popping in and out on her tongue, and I laughed all the more while she pushed me out the front door. Marla was just outside, coming back from her break, I'd assume.
“What's so funny?” she asked.
“Nothing,” Max giggled.
“Are yougonna finish this?” Mike called out.
Oh God, I think I'mgonna pee my pants!
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*** We climbed aboard the bus, but not until after we stood outside laughing like we were stoned or something. Mike isn't attractive, at least not to me, and I don't like thinking about what straight people do in their bedrooms (or not in their bedrooms in this case), but this was just too much.
The bus trundled towards the mall. Jake had happily consumed his coffee and was more awake. We sat towards the back, side by side with his hand covering mine. The bus wasn't very crowded so there was no real worry about anyone giving us a hard time, but the affection brought a special closeness to the ride.
Jake told me more about his home town and his friends like Killian and Killian's ex-boyfriend Asher. He told me all about Killian's detective work and his mentor, a retired policeman. Killian sounded like quite the guy, I was beginning to wonder how I could possibly measure up to that.
“So, you and Killian were never a couple?” I asked.
“No. I wanted to be, but then I left forCaliforniawith my mom. When we moved back I was still hoping `causehe was my first love, and that's always special, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“Killian was my first kiss, my first make out…he was a lot of firsts for me.”
“Do you still love him?”
“Of course I do. I'll always love him. He's my best friend.” Jake chuckled. “Don't you still love your first?”
I squirmed a bit in my seat. “Well, um, yeah, you could say that.”
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“Well, come on! I just told you all these details about me! Give!” He poked me in the ribs and I squirmed some more.
“Cut it out! Nerd,” I muttered.
“Kody, come on. Who was your first? What was his name?”
“His name?”I looked down on my hands.
“Yeah, who was he? How do I stack up?”
“Well...” I fidgeted.
“What?” Jake was waiting for me to grade his kissing versus my first. God, I felt like such a loser.
“Last night was my first kiss, Jake.” I sighed and looked up into his eyes, those sunny-day, sky-blue eyes. “I'm a total...virgin. Okay?” I looked back down at my hands. One of his strong, tanned hands crossed into my field of vision and fell gently over my folded hands.
“So I guess no matter what happens between you and me, you'll always remember me then, huh?” His words were quiet, almost solemn.
“Nope, I don't want to even think about that.” I couldn't yet voice my concern that I wouldn't be enough to hold onto him. The last thing he'd want is some clingy drama queen.
“I feel so good though, that you chose me to be your first!” he said as he squeezed my hands.
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“Why? You've probably kissed a lot of guys.”
Jake grew quiet, his hand slowly tightening until I forced myself to break his grasp. He didn't seem to notice. His eyes looked faraway, deep in contemplation, before returning to me suddenly.
“Yeah, I've kissed a lot of guys. I…” He hesitated and then placed his hand back over mine. “I felt a lot for Killian when we kissed. Your first is like that.” He sighed.
“I'm not Killian.”
“I know that. I'm not trying to compare you, kissing you is nothing like kissing him. His kiss was special because it was the first one. Yours was special because of how...how strongly I feel for you.”
“You do?” Could it really be that I could keep this one?
“Yeah!I have been interested plenty of times, and sometimes I got shot down like that teacher I told you about. Sometimes, like with Killian there was timing and...otherfactors. But you, I just want to...I really want this to work. You're interested, so am I, and I...I don't want to mess it up.”
I decided we needed a little levity, this was entirely too serious, even though my heart swelled at his statement.
“Want to hear something funny?” He smiled at me and nodded. “When I went to your room and saw you shared with someone I got all jealous that they were with you. I wondered if you might, you know, have a cute roommate, and maybe had something going there.”
“WithFoster? ”Jake's jaw dropped, and I smiled, nodding. He tried to hold it back, but the laughter poured out of him, and I joined him, giggling mindlessly at my silly jealous streak.
“Iknow, silly right?”
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“What? You mean you don't think I'm cute enough to get Foster?”
“I think...I think you're cute enough for me to worry about it!”
“Hmm...” Jake rolled his eyes to the roof of the bus, appearing to think it over. “Foster isn't really my type.”
“No?” I asked, giggling.
“No, definitely not.And I don't think he could make a decent cup of coffee anyway.”
“The truth comes out!” I threw my arms up dramatically. “You only want me for my coffee.”
“Am I that transparent?” Jake asked in a stage whisper.
It was on the tip of my tongue to say `I love you', and I mean it was a near thing.But after just a few days? He'd think I was crazy—a clinger. No, I'd be patient. I just smiled instead and took his hand for the remainder of the ride.
*** Shopping with Jake was so much fun I didn't want it to end. We went from store to store and tried on all sorts of clothes. We even tried on suits, and we looked good, if I do say so myself. We went to Macy's and JC Penny and Old Navy. We tried stuff on at AmericanEagle and Abercrombie & Fitch, as well asFilene's . Jake was made for fine clothes. They just accentuated his natural physique. I liked silk on him best, and made a mental note to purchase some for him forChristmas. It would be kind of a gift for him that was also for me.
We tried on shoes, and walked throughhousewares looking at cooking stuff. I looked at this electronic wedding register where you could make a record of what you needed as a wedding gift. I
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wondered if we'd ever have need of such a thing. He sidled up to me, and I kept him form seeing the machine as we walked away from the store and back into the mall. I wouldn't want him to clue in on my silly thoughts, but it stayed in the back of my mind, though.
We went into the pet store and looked at the puppies and small furry creatures. I told him I'd always liked dogs, and about the beagle we had at home. He asked more about my family and we sat down to have an Orange Julius while I filled him in on Charlie and the many loves he's had. I probably sounded like a pathetic loser describing how Charlie was such a charmer, but I was a little more comfortable about it now.
“You know, that stuff doesn't really matter,” Jake said, as if he could read my mind.
“What stuff?”
“Like how fast you lose your virginity. Everyone is different. Everyone develops in their own way and in their own time.”
“I know. I just wanted some of that feeling, you know? I always made bad choices. Like Andy.” I sighed.
“Who's Andy?”
I filled him on the whole sordid story of Andy and the band, and how my piss-poor self-esteem took another hit. I hadn't put myself out there for anyone after Andy. I was too afraid.
“So why did you take the risk on me? Did I look easy?” Jake smiled at me.
“No!” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Just too fucking cute for words, asshole.”
“Well, you're the cutest coffee boy I've ever seen.”
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“Stop.”
“What? I can't tell my boyfriend he's cute but he can tell me?”
“Jake,everyone thinks you're cute—straights, gays, stray animals. Jesus! I think I saw a Honda get boned up in the parking lot!”
“Kody, that's so not fair. I can't control what anyone else thinks, but you are damn cute, and I know I'm not the only one that thinks so. Besides, maybe the Honda wanted you.”
“No, you.”
“No, I'll bet it was you.”
“I don't think so, Surfer Boy.”
“I do, Coffee Boy.”
I looked into his eyes, his smiling face, and just smiled back.I am so lucky. We walked the mall some more, checking out music and movies in one store, and then I spent forever in the video game store. I know I was wearing him thin then, but I am such a game junkie! He tolerated it with a smile, but I figured I had to be pushing my luck at that point. I spotted one of those booths where you put in a dollar or two and it turns out a couple of pictures, so grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the machine.
“You really want to do this? It's kind of corny.”
“Come on! Quit trying to be so masculine. Besides, my brother wants a picture of you.”
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“Couldn't you just describe me?” Jake continued as I fished in my pocket for cash.
“I did, that's why he wants the picture.” Jake just laughed. I knew he had to know he looks good, but I wonder if he knows justhowgood ? Or maybe it was just me.
We climbed into the booth and it started to talk to us, corny stuff mostly, but we mugged for the camera and saw our pictures on the screen in front of us. It waited for you to approve the shot before printing it. The last one was one of us kissing, and I swear it was all Jake's doing. We were having so much fun, I fed the machine more money and we did it again.
*** On the way home, we decided to get some food, and stopped at the Chinese place I'd gone to a few nights before. We chatted idly, with small touches clearly showing affection to anyone who wasn't blind. Come to think of it, I suppose we looked like any new couple falling in love. There it was again—that `L' word. I kept finding it creeping into my thoughts when it came to Jake, but did I really know what that was?
We carried our food back to my apartment, stopping for a movie atDeja View before stepping into the dark lobby of my building.
“Don't you pay enough in a month to allow for a new light bulb?”
“More importantly, why isn't my boyfriend trying to grope me in the dark?” I quipped back. I heard him speedup like he was chasing me and then his fingers dug one of my sides as I ran up the stairs, giggling, with him right behind me. Music poured out of Nick's apartment, and I told Jake about Nick having Steve over for dinner and not wanting us anywhere near.
After getting settled on the couch and finding something to drink, we put theDVDin and relaxed with our food. A funny thing happenedthough, something I hadn't expected because is was so, Idunno , domestic. Once the food was gone and we were leaning back on the couch, his arm slipped over my shoulders. I leaned into him, curling my legs up onto the couch and lying on his shoulder. Our sides were touching, and he stroked my back lightly while we watched the movie. This seemed to be so completely natural that it never occurred to me until much later that it was a comfortably intimate act that I could willingly repeat for the rest of my life.
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I was dozing happily, the crappy movie long forgotten in my utter hedonistic enjoyment of Jake's warmth, when he stretched under me.
“I guess I better get back to the dorm. I have classes tomorrow.” Jake yawned.
“Can't you stay?” I asked slowly.
“Oh...” Jake looked slightly embarrassed and I felt silly.
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot,” I said as I sat up. He grabbed my shoulder and gave me a quick kiss before drawing away to look me in the eye.
“You didn't. It's just, I want to do things right and not rush into...you know.”
“I didn't mean stay for sex,” I said quietly while looking down at my hands.
“Kody, listen to me, please?” I glanced up at him and found I couldn't look away from him.
“I've made a lot of mistakes. You don't know everything there is to know and I just—I want to take it slow. I want you, God knows I do. I like that we have so much more than sex in common. It feels kind of like when Killian and I first met, and we still love each other you know? I want us to last and...I'm just afraid of making a mistake.”
“I want you too,” I whispered. “I just want you to stay with me. We spent all day together without having sex, can't we sleep and do that too?”
“Idunno .” He smiled. “You're a lot to resist.”
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“I just felt so comfortable here on the couch with you...I guess I'm just being dumb.”
He took a deep breath. “No, you're not. I'm just afraid, okay?”
“Okay,” I sighed.
I walked him to the door, where we lingered in a kiss. Well, we lingered in several kisses truth be told, and then...I was closing the door behind him. I sighed deeply and laid my head against the wood of the door, heart racing and my breathing shallow. I knew realistically that waiting a little while was the right thing to do. I was still afraid I'd do something wrong in the bedroom, something so comical I'd never live it down. But Jake was the first boy I ever kissed, and right then, I knew I wanted him to be the last boy I ever kissed.
Chapter 15
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Jake"
I awoke the next morning to the sound of the phone ringing.Who could be calling this early? I wondered groggily. I felt blindly for the phone—which was kept on a stand between my bed and Foster's—until my hand brushed it. I scooped it up.
“Hullo,” I bleated into it, my voicefroggy from sleep.
“Jake?”
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“Mom?”
“Did I wake you up?”
“Um, yeah, actually...”
“Are you sick?”
“Huh? No.”
“Then why are you still in bed.”
“Still in bed?”I sat up and focused my bleary eyes on the clock-radio, only to find it blank. “Huh? The clock isn't working. What time is it?” I picked up the clock and frowned at the swinging cord. It had somehow gotten unplugged.
“It's ten-thirty,” Mom said.
“Ten-thirty!I should be in class. I can't believe I slept that late!”
“Did you have a late night last night?”
“Well, kind of, but notthat late!”
“Jake, is something wrong?”
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“What? No, nothing is wrong. Why?” Most conversations with my mother tend to be a little confusing. It's not that she's scatterbrained; it's just that her mind seems to work differently than most people. She has a way of cutting right to the point, even if no one really knows what the point is yet.
“I don't know. You've been on my mind a lot the last few days, and it's been mostly positive feelings and thoughts, but then, this morning, I woke up and something felt wrong.”
“Well, for once your feelings must be off because nothing is wrong. In fact, things have never been better.”
“So school is going well?”
I laughed. “Yes, Mom, school is going great. I'm doing well in all my classes, even the unbelievably boring philosophy.”
“Are you getting along with your roommate?”
I looked down at the unplugged end of the clock. I had suspicions about how that had happened. “Well, I wouldn't say we're friends or anything, but we're tolerating each other.”
“Are you making friends?”
“Yes. I've met some really nice people. One of which is an RA for my building, I think you met her the first day.The tall red-head? Her name isErin. She's really great. And several other people as well.”
“Anyone in particular?”
“Mom, I'm fine.Really.”
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“So there is someone special!”
There was no point trying to fool my mother. She was as tenacious as a bulldog, and her psychic abilities didn't hurt. “Yes, there is someone special,” I admitted.
“Are you going to tell me about him? You can't leave your poor mother hanging like this.”
“Well, it's all kind of new yet so I don't want to jinx it...”
“Jake,” she said warningly.
I laughed. “His name isKody and he's totally unlike anyone I've ever met before. He's so sweet and... innocent. It's almost like he's been sheltered from the real world or something, but at the same time, he's really smart. He's so cute! He has dark brown hair that he wears kind of spiky in the front, and these amazing gray eyes. And he's so little!”
“Slow down,” she chuckled. “How'd you meet him?”
“Apparently, I ran into him the first day on campus, but I don't really remember that. The first time I remember seeing him was at this great coffee shop off campus.”
“You and your coffee...”
“Yeah, anyway, he works there. I thought he was really cute, but I didn't know if he was gay or what. So we didn't really talk for quite a while, except for small talk at the café. Then one night we were both at the same party.”
“It wasn't a wild party, was it?”
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“Mom, I'm doing great. I didn't drink at all.”
“But other people were drinking?”
“I'm sure they were all over twenty-one.”
“Right,and I'm the Easter Bunny. So what happened?”
“Well,Kody had a little much to drink—”
“IsKody over twenty-one?”
“Are you going to let me tell the story or not?”
“Well, you just said—”
“No, he's not over twenty-one, but it was the first time he'd ever really drank alcohol so he got drunk fast. Plus, he's so little.Anyway ...so he drank too much, and Foster, my roommate, started picking on him, calling him a fag and stuff.”
“Your roommate is homophobic?” I could hear the PFLAG mom coming out.
“I took care of it, Mom. Everything has been worked out. Don't get allactivist on me. So, Foster was calling him names andKody , being well dosed with liquid courage, jumped him. Foster is huge, like at least two ofKody , and one punch pretty much laid the poor kid out cold.”
“It was a wild party!”
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“That was the only wild part. Anyway, Roy, another friend of mine who's even bigger than Foster, took Foster back to our room, and I helpedKody back to his. After that,Kody was really embarrassed by how he'd acted at the party, so he avoided me for a few days before I finally cornered him at the café and we cleared the air. Then Friday night, we both ended up at this concert in the park.”
“Was there drinking there?”
“Mom, it was a public concert. I don't know if there was drinking or not. I didn't monitor the whole crowd. No one I was with was drinking. Can I continue now?”
“I'm your mother. I worry. Go on.”
“We ran into each other at the park, although I think maybeRoyhad a hand in that, and we ended up spending the evening together. We even danced. Then he cooked dinner for me Saturday night, and we spent all day together yesterday.”
“It sounds like it's going well so far. So when do I get to meet him?”
“Right after the wedding.”
“Jacob Sheridan!”
“We just started dating, Mom. Do you think I can give him a little while before I introduce him to my mother?”
“I guess that's okay,” she teased.
“Gee, thanks.”
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“Do you have a good feeling about him, Jake?”
“AboutKody ?Yeah, I really do. I haven't felt like this about someone in a long time.Not since Killian, really.”
“Do you love him?”
I paused. “I think...I'm falling in love with him.”
“Then he must be something special.”
“He is. I even told him a little about my past, and he still likes me—not everything, though. I'm not quite ready for all that yet.”
“Just don't get hurt, Baby.”
“Mom, I'm growing up now. You can't protect me forever.”
She gave a short, bitter laugh. “It's not like I've done a very good job of protecting you in the past.”
I felt a sharp stab in the heart. “Nothing that happened was your fault. You've done the best you could for me. I made those decisions for myself.”
“I know. We've been through all the counseling. In my head, I know that. Sometimes, though, I just feel like if I'd only paid more attention, acted sooner...”
“Mom, I'm okay now. That's all that matters.”
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“Okay now...” she repeated in a soft voice.
“Mom?”
“Are you sure everything is okay?”
“Yes. Everything is fine. I promise. Hey, I gotta go. I need to go get ready for my next class. I don't want to miss another one.”
“Okay. Jake, if something was wrong, you'd tell me, right?”
“Of course.”
“Good. Call me if you need me.”
“I will. I love you.”
“I love you too, Jake.”
I hung up the phone and smiled down at it affectionately. My mom might be a little kooky, but I'm damn lucky to have her. I couldn't believe I'd already told her aboutKody . We hadn't even been boyfriends for two days and my mom already knows.Boyfriends! That's what we were now. I reveled in the word for a minute, just enjoying the sound of it in my head.Kody was my boyfriend. What a difference a weekend could make.
I snapped myself out of it. I didn't have time to stand around and daydream! I grabbed some clothes out of my dresser, and was halfway out the door when the phone rang again. I started to ignore it, but then I thought that it might beKody . I ran across the room and snatched up the receiver.
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“Hello?”
“Uh, yeah, hi.Is Jake there?” I didn't recognize the voice, but it sounded like a kid.
“This is Jake.”
“Jake! Hi!” His voice brightened considerably.
“Um, who is this?”
“Oh, sorry.This is Charlie,Kody's brother.”
My heart stopped as I thought of Mom's phone call. “Is something wrong withKody ?”
“Huh? No. I mean, not that I know of. He was fine when I talked to him yesterday.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “So, uh, how did you get my number?” I couldn't remember giving it to Kody , but then again, he had hunted down my dorm. He was almost as good a detective as Killian.
“Oh, I tried to getKody to give it to me but he said he didn't have it. Why he doesn't have his boyfriend's number, I don't know. Anyway, he mentioned that you lived in the Mohawk dorm, so I just called campus directory, called Mohawk, and asked the girl who answered what your number was. She didn't want to tell me at first, but when I told her who I was, she gave it to me right away. Oh yeah, and I was supposed to tell you thatErinsays hi.”
I laughed. “I see. That was very, er, clever of you. So, to what do I owe the honor of this call?”
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“Well, you know, I had to check you out—make sure you're worthy of my brother.”
He sounded so serious that I fought down the giggle his words prompted. “You don't trustKody to take care of himself?”
“Let's just say he hasn't had the greatest luck with guys in the past.”
“Yeah, he said something like that.”
“He's been hurt pretty bad and I'd just hate to see him get hurt again.”
“I think that's great that you look out for your brother like that. I can promise you that hurtingKody is the last thing in the world I'd ever want to do. I've never met anyone like him. He's just so sweet!”
Charlie giggled. “He said the same thing about you.”
“Really?”
“Uh huh.”
“So what else did he say about me?”
Another giggle.“Sorry, but there's no way I'm going there.Kody would kill me.”
I laughed.“Can't blame a guy for trying.”
“Right.So, what's going on with you andKody ?”
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“What do you mean?”
“What are your intentions toward my brother?”
I stifled another laugh. I couldn't help picturing a stern, mustachioed father grilling his daughter's prospective suitor. “Well, I guess I intend to be the best boyfriend I can possibly be.”
“Do you like him?”
“I wouldn't be dating him if I didn't like him.”
“Do you love him?”
I hesitated. “I think...I think it's a little early to be talking about love, but...I think it's safe to say I'm falling in love with your brother.”
“That's exactly what I was hoping you'd say.” I heard the grin in his voice over the phone.
“Does that mean I passed?”
“I think so.”
“Great! Hey look, as much as I hate to do this, I really need to go. I overslept this morning and now I'm late for class.” I paused. “Speaking of which, shouldn't you be in school?”
“Ishould be.” He snickered. “I guess you could say I played hooky today. I told Dad I was sick so
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he let me stay home. I had to stay in bed and act like I felt bad until he finally left for work. Whenever one of us gets sick he turns into Nurse Nightingale. I thought he'd never leave so I could call you. I figured it would be best if I called when he wasn't around. If he was here, you'd have two interrogators instead of one, and I figured you could wait awhile before you met the parental unit. We'll put off that torture as long as possible.”
“I hope he's not that bad!”
“He's not. He's a really great dad. But knowing him, he'll be planning your wedding before you get to your first month's anniversary.”
I laughed. “Sounds like my Mom. They should meet. Now, I really do have to go. I hope you don't get in trouble with your dad.”
“I won't...as long as he doesn't find out.Hint, hint.”
I laughed again. “He won't hear it from me.”
“We're all good then?”
“We're good.So...yeah. Feel free to call me anytime. Do you want my screen name? You can instant message me too.”
“Sure!”
We swapped information and said our goodbyes. I hung up and rushed to the shower before the phone could ring again. As I stood under the hot spray of water, I thought about Charlie and what a cool kid brother he was.Kody was really lucky. I didn't have that kind of relationship with my one remaining brother,Dashel . I rarely saw him, and since we hadn't grown up together, we weren't very close.
Thinking about Dash made me remember Mom's strange phone call, and her strangely subdued
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reaction to my good news. Mom's hunches were seldom mistaken. If she felt something was wrong, then I must be missing something. I felt my mood slipping down the drain with the soap I rinsed off my body.
What could be wrong? Could it be Foster? Things weren't great there, but they were better than they were. He was more of an annoyance than anything. I was doing fine in all my classes. The only nastiness lately had been that brief encounter withBecca in the Coop.Becca ! That had to be it. I had a sudden need to hearKody's voice. I shut off the water, hastily wrapped a towel around my waist, and charged back to my room.
I threw open the door and ran smack intoRoy's huge chest. He and I both yelped as we leaped apart, and somehow my towel flew off in the process. I dove after it, my face aflame, asRoythoughtfully turned his back to give me some semblance of privacy.
“Hey Jake,” he said as if we'd just met out on the quad.
“Hi,Roy.I, uh, didn't expect you to be in here.”
“Yeah.Sorry about that.Didn't mean to scare you. But hey, it's not like you've got anything to be ashamed of,ya know?”
“Roy, I'm going to try very hard to forget you just said that, okay? Let's never mention it again.”
“I'm justsayin '...”
“Roy. Never speak of it.Ever.”
“Okay.”
“What are you doing here anyway?” I asked as I pulled on a pair of boxer briefs.
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“I didn't see you around this morning and thenKody ran out of class. I knew you guys spent the weekend together so I thought maybe you'd know why.”
“Kodyleft class?” I stopped in the middle of pulling on a pair of jeans.
“Yep, right in the middle of class. He just jumped up and ran out.”
I finished pulling on the pants and opened the drawer where I'd stashedKody's phone number.
“What are you doing?”Royasked.
“I'm going to call and see if he's home.” I dialed the number and listened to it ring several time with no answer.
“No answer?” he asked when I hung up. I shook my head no. “He could be around school somewhere.”
“Yeah, I'm sure it's nothing.” I wasn't sure though. Coming on the tail of Mom's vague warning, Kody's disappearing act had me a little worried. Was he sick? If so, what if it was serious—so serious that he couldn't even answer the phone? “Maybe I should walk over to his apartment and check.”
“Don't you have class?”
“Yeah, but I've already missed one this morning, what's one more?”
“I'll come with you.”
“No, that's okay, Roy. You don't have to miss class because of me. IsKody in your next class too?”
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He nodded. “Then if he's there, tell him to get in touch with me somehow. Okay?”
“Sure will, Jake. You really like him,dontcha ?”
I smiled, despite the gnawing feeling of worry growing in my stomach. “Yeah, I really do. I think I might even be falling in love with him.”
“Wow.”Roy's face grew pensive. “Do you think someone could ever love me?”
I stopped and just looked over at my large friend. It was easy to forget that he had feelings just like everyone else. “Yeah, I'm sure you'll find the right girl someday,Roy. What about that girl we saw you with yesterday?”
“Jen?”
“Yeah.”
He shrugged. “She's nice. I spent the night with her.” I felt my eyes growing wide at that thought. “I don't think she loves me, though.”
“Well, uh, it's probably a little early for that yet. I mean, how long have you known her?”
“A few days?”
“Yeah, um, give it some time, see what develops.”
He nodded thoughtfully as if Id just given him some deep piece of sage advice. “Thanks, Jake. You're a good friend.”
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I smiled affectionately at him. “I try,Roy. Remember, if you seeKody , tell him to call me.”
“I will.Later, Jake.”
“See you later, Roy.”
He left and I quickly finished dressing before following him out the door. I practically ran down the street toKody's apartment. I was at the top of the flight of stairs before the door closed all the way, plunging me into darkness. I knocked onKody's door, waited,then knocked again. There was no answer, not even any sound of movement from within. I tried knocking on Nick's door too, but there was no answer there either. My heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest.Why are you so worried? They're probably in class, where you should be!
I stood in the stairwell for a few more minutes, before giving up. I decided to check the Morning Rush before heading back to campus. Max looked up as I pushed through the door and gave me a small smile and a weak wave. “Hiya, Jake.”
“Hi, Max. Have you seenKody around today?”
“No,” she replied as she ambled to the coffee pots to start fresh cups. She placed a hand on her forehead as she walked. “He worked this morning, but I haven't seen him since then. Do I have a temperature? I think I'm sick, and that's the last thing I need.”
“Uh, I don't know.” I took a closer look at her. She did look a little pale. “Come here.” She walked slowly back to the counter and leaned against it. I pressed my palm to her forehead the way my mom used to do to me, but she grabbed my hand.
“Not like that,” she said.“With the other side.” She pressed the back of my hand to her head once again.
“You feel okay to me,” I reported.
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“You feel great to me too, baby!”
I giggled and snatched my hand back.
She winked. “Don't worry, I won't tellKody you were feeling me up.”
“Are you here alone?”
“Yeah, but Mike should be coming in soon.”
I blushed at the mention of Mike and the scene we'd interrupted the day before. Max didn't even seem to notice. She was definitely not herself. “Well ifKody should stop by, will you please tell him I'm looking for him?”
“No! You can't leave me! What if I fall over? Who'll come to my rescue?”
“Um, I'm kind of in a hurry. I need to findKody ...”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.Just like all the other guys. You touch me then run off. Fine, go, but now I'm telling Kody you touched me.” She giggled, then gasped and pressed her hand to her stomach.
“Are you sure you're okay? Maybe I should stay until Mike gets here.” She really wasn't looking all that great.
“Aw, you really do care! No, you go ahead. I was just kidding. I'm sure I'll be fine. Mike will be here any minute. Go findKody with a K.”
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“If you're sure... I hope you feel better.”
She smiled. “Thanks, Jake. You're a good kid.Kody is one lucky boy.”
I left Max and walked back to campus. I grabbed some lunch,then forced myself to go to my afternoon classes. Sitting in my seat was the purest form of torture I'd ever experienced. It was a complete waste of time. I couldn't tell you a single thing that was said in any class. I was simply going through the motions while my brain was focused only onKody . Where was he?
As soon as my last class ended, I rushed back to my room to see if there was any message from Kody . Foster was in the room with his girlfriend. It was the first time I'd gotten a good look at her, at least while she was fully clothed. She looked about like what I would expect Foster's girlfriend to look like. She was thin to the point of anorexia, with a fake tan, bottle-blonde hair, and bright redpouty lips. She was wearing tight jeans and a hot pink tummy shirt that boldly stated “White Trash”.There is truth in advertising after all , I thought.
“Hey Jake, this is my girl, Fawn.”
Damn, she even had a stripper name. “Hey Foster. Hey Fawn.”
“So this is Jake,” Fawn rasped with a nasty little smile that revealed yellowed teeth. She looked and sounded like she was supporting a three-pack-a-day habit. “I've heard a lot about you.”
“Yeah, well, I've seen a lot of you. Foster, hasKody called here for me since you've been in?”
“Nope.Kody'shis boyfriend,” he added to Fawn, who giggled.
“Right.Well, if he calls, tell him I'm looking for him. I'll be back later.” I let myself back out of the room with no small relief.
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I ran intoRoyin the first floor lobby. He was talking to Erin, who was on duty behind the desk. “Hey Roy, heyErin,” I greeted them before focusing onRoy. “WasKody in class?”
“Nope.Sorry Jake.” Jen entered the lobby just then, distractingRoy's attention. He trotted over to her side, and they started talking.
“Don't tell me you've lost your man already!”Erinjoked as I watchedRoywith affectionate amusement.
My mood quickly turned dark again. “I don't know what's going on,” I told her. “Roysaid he ran out of class this morning and I haven't been able to find him since. I've checked his apartment and the coffee shop, and now apparently he didn't go to classes this afternoon either.”
A little frown creasedErin's forehead. “I'm sure it's nothing to be worried about,” she said. I raised one eyebrow. “Okay, yeah, that does sound a little unusual, but don't go overboard. Something could have come up. Just stay calm. He could be back at his apartment now.”
“That's true. I didn't even call when I was just up in my room.”
“You want to call from here?”
“I don't have his number memorized and I definitely don't want to go back up to my room right now. Foster andFawn were probably getting it on before I had the door closed all the way.” I shuddered at the memory that thought brought up.
“Her name is reallyFawn ?”Erinasked in amazement.
“I didn't ask to see her ID, but that's what Foster said. I'll just walk over toKody's apartment again. It's not that far.”
“Okay,” she said with a smile. “If you need me for anything, you know where to find me.”
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“ThanksErin.” I gave her a quick hug and left.
I was halfway across campus when I heard a voice call out my name. I spun around to findBecca sauntering towards me with a self-satisfied smirk on her face. “I've been looking for you,” she said as she drew near.
“I don't have time for this right now,Becca .”
“Oh, I think you'll want to make time.”
“Not for you.” I turned and started walking away.
“After our conversation at the Coop the other night, I did a little research,” she called after me. I slowed a little but kept walking. “It's amazing what you can learn from a simple Google search.”
I stopped as a cold feeling began to wash over me. I listened asBecca's heels clicked up behind me. She walked around to face me. “Does the name Fenton Black ring a bell?”
I had a sudden urge to punch the smug expression off her face. I felt my hands balling into fists at my sides. She noticed and her smile grew a little more.
“I guess it does. I believe he was your former lover...or should I say supplier. Or do you prefer pimp?”
“You don't know what you're talking about,” I managed to say. My voice was strained. I sounded scared even to my own ears.
“Don't I? I have the articles to back it all up, actual news articles I printed off the Internet. You can really find out anything about anyone on there. They don't call it the information superhighway for
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nothing.”
“Fine, you know I have a past I'm not proud of—so what?”
“We've barely scratched the surface,Jakie . There's the whole issue of being charged with Mr. Black's murder...”
“I was cleared!”
“And the drug overdoses...”
“I'm clean now!”
“You were quite a bad boy, and I have all the dirty details.”
“What do you want?”
Her eyes suddenly narrowed and the smile vanished from her face. “I don't want anything. I've already gotten what I want.”
“What do you mean?”
“I had a conversation with your boyfriend this morning.”
I felt my stomach drop.“You what?” I whispered.
“I told him everything I'd learned and gave him copies of all the articles. I thought it was only fair that
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he knew exactly who he was dating. You should have seen his face.”
“You bitch!”
The cruel smile returned. “Call me what you want. I said you'd be sorry. Now you are.Buh -bye, Jake.” She turned on her heel and sashayed away, her hips swinging with every step. Part of me wanted to run after her and just beat the crap out of her. The larger part was in a complete panic, however. I had to findKody . I had to explain to him, try to do damage control. I should have just been honest with him up front. I knew that now, but it was too late.Becca was right, I was sorry.Kody probably hated me now, and I had no one to blame but myself.
I broke into a full-out run towardsKody's apartment. I ran as if my life depended on it, shoving people out of the way and vaulting over any obstacle that got in my way. Angry shouts and stares followed in my wake, but my only thought was that I had to get toKody .
I exploded into his building and took the stairs in giant leaps. I banged frantically on his door, calling his name over and over. “Kody, if you're in there, please open the door! I need to talk to you!”
Nick's door swung open and he poked his head into the hall. “Jake, dude, are you okay?” he asked with concern.
“Have you seenKody ?”
“No, I haven't talked to him all day. I don't think he's in his room.”
“Fuck!”
“Jake, what's wrong?”
“Everything!I have to findKody .” I ran back down the steps, leaving Nick calling after me to wait. I didn't listen. Tears were blurring my vision now, but it didn't slow me down. I'd finally been given
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everything I'd thought I'd never have, and then I'd screwed it all up because I was afraid.
I ran to the Morning Rush, but the door was locked when I reached it. I pressed my face against the glass, but though the lights were still on, it was obviously deserted. Where could he be? I didn't know where else to look. I stood on the sidewalk and felt like I was falling. It was all over. One perfect weekend was all we'd had.Kody had heard the truth and it was more than he could handle. Wherever he was, he was avoiding me. He didn't want to see me.
I walked back to school in a numb haze. I knew my heart was breaking, but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything.Erinlooked up as I came through the door of the dorm.
“Jake? You okay?”
I shook my head no. I opened my mouth to answer her but nothing came out at first. I took a deep breath and tried again. “It's all over.”
Her face froze in horror. “What? No! It can't be! I mean, you guys were so happy. What happened?”
I shook my head again. “He found out the truth.”
“Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. He took it badly?”
“I don't know how he took it. I wasn't there when he found out.”
“What? You didn't tell him?”
“No.”
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“Then how'd he find out?”
“Becca.”
“Becca?But...how'd she find out?”
“She did a Google search and pulled up articles about the whole thing. Then she took it all toKody .”
“Oh my God!Have you talked to him?”
“I can't find him. He must be avoiding me. I...I've looked everywhere.”
“That doesn't mean—”
“Erin, stop. I can't...” I stopped and took another deep breath. I quickly walked to the elevator and pushed the call button. The doors slid open, and I stepped inside.
Erinjumped out from behind the desk and ran to catch me. “Jake, wait!”
“I'm going home,” I said as the door closed over her shocked expression.
The elevator doors slid open and I stumbled into the hallway feeling like a zombie. My feet had never felt heavier as I made my way to my room. The stairwell door at the end of the hall burst open just as I reached my door, andErincame storming towards me.
“What the hell?” she demanded when she reached me. “What do you mean you're going home?”
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“I need to get away to think.”
“Why can't you think here?”
I gave a derisive snort. “Right, like I'd be able to think knowingKody is so close and yet avoiding me.”
“Don't be stupid. You can't just jump to conclusions.Kody is crazy about you. He would never avoid you.”
“Then where is he? Why hasn't anyone seen him all day?”
“Who knows, Jake?” She threw her hands in the air. “He had classes; maybe he went to the library to do research. Or he could have skipped and gone to the mall to buy sexy underwear for you, or gone grocery shopping... The point is you don't really know.”
“He's avoiding me, Erin. Now that he knows what I used to be he's disgusted by me.”
“You don't even know ifBecca really told him or not. You can't trust that psycho bitch!”
“She did. I can feel it.And...my mom called this morning.”
“So?”
“She knew something was wrong.”
“Huh?” Confusion washed overErin's face.
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“My mom is...she's a psychic. She knew something was wrong. I didn't know what it was then, but as soon as she hung up I had a feeling it wasKody . And now he's been missing all day andBecca ...It's obvious thatKody is avoiding me because he doesn't want to be with me. He's disgusted by me. I have to go. I need to get away.”
“Okay. I guess I can understand how you might need to get away for a few days, but then you are coming back, right?”
I looked away.“Maybe.”
“Maybe?What do you mean maybe?”
“Maybe I won't want to come back. I don't think I could stand to look in his eyes and see hurt and disgust.” She opened her mouth but I cut her off. “Pity would be even worse. And I'd be running into him all the time. I just...I just don't know if I can deal with that.”
Her eyes darkened.“Oh, for God's sake! Don't be such a drama queen!”
That wasn't at all what I had been expecting. For a moment, I was shocked into silence, then anger flooded in, and my hand itched to slap her across the face. “Like you could understand,” I said through clenched teeth. “You've got a great guy who worships the ground you walk on. What have I ever had? Nothing! Oh, no, I'm sorry. How could I forget Fenton?A middle-aged pimp who pumped me full of drugs so he could fuck me.”Erinflinched, but I wasn't finished. “And now, just when I start to believe I might find love, that there might be some happiness in my life, it's all snatched away. Do you know what that feels like?”
“No. No, I don't. And I'm sorry that happened to you, but what happened before doesn't have anything to do withKody .”
I threw my arms up. “It has everything to do withKody . That's why he's disgusted by me.”
“You keep saying that! You don'tknow he's disgusted.”
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“Yeah, maybe he's thrilled that I used to be a drug-addicted whore.” I took a deep, shaky breath and rubbed my face wearily. “Erin, I just need to get away, okay? Please try to understand that and don't make this any harder than it already is.” Her body sagged. “Jake...”
“Erin, don't.” I turned and inserted my key in the door. It swung open to reveal Foster and Fawn naked and tangled in his sheets. I walked in and shut the door behind me, leavingErinin the hall.
Foster sat up and gave me a dirty look. “What the fuck?”
I ignored him and walked over to the phone. I picked it up and dialed home. It rang twice before Mom answered.
“Jake?”
“I need you to come get me.”
“I'm leaving now.”
I hung up and pulled my suitcases out of the closet. I had six hours to pack and get ready to go home. There was nothing left for me here now.
Chapter 16
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle
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© 2004 "Kody"
My breath plumed out in front of me in the cold morning, and I stamped my feet on the sidewalk to keep my blood flowing. God it was cold! No one ever told me it got this cold here. What would happen when winter actually arrived? Marla's car pulled into the small lot, and a moment later she turned the corner, smoking the last of her pre-work carcinogens.
“We can't talk about Max. I won't be able to stop laughing and we won't get any work done at all.” Marla stated flatly. We both burst into laughter as she unlocked the door and we stepped into the warmth of the shop. I started the coffee pots right away, knowing I'd need some really quickly. Marla put her coat away, and I followed suit once the pots were happily gurgling to themselves.
“So how are things with you and Mr. CutiePatootie ?”
“His name is Jake, and things are so totally awesome.” I sighed.
“Oh ho!”Marla turned with a hand on her hip and a smile on her lips. “Dish the dirt. Is he a good kisser?”
“We'll, he'll need some more practice before he's perfect at it. But I intend to give him all the practice he wants!” I laughed.
“Oh, that's so cute!” Marla laughed as she put the alarm code into the safe. “Did you guys spend the weekend together?”
“Pretty much, we went to the concert Friday and we danced.” I blushed and Marla broke into a big smile.
“Is he a good dancer?”
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“I...don't remember! I was so busy looking at him and enjoying how he felt next to me...” I trailed off as I remembered how it felt to be in his arms.
“Sounds like someone is falling hard,” she said as she filled the cash register with daily funds.
I shrugged.“Way past that. He owns me even if he doesn't know it yet.” She just laughed again, but as I finished getting the store ready and poured us both cups of coffee, I realized with a hint of fear that I wasn't lying or even exaggerating. If I thought I was scared before, I was terrified now.
My shift ended, and it was time for me to get to class, but Jake hadn't been in for his morning coffee yet. I made Marla promise to take good care of him and headed off. On the way, I acquired an escort roughly the size ofManhattan.
“Morning,Roy,” I commented.
“HiKody .”
“How'd things go with you and Jen?” I turned to look at him.
“Oh, good!I don't have to talk much. She seems to like me okay. I was thinking maybe we could all go out sometime-or something.”
“Hmm, did you run that idea by Jake yet?”
“No, he wasn't awake when I stopped by his room. Foster was still asleep too, but he had a class at eight so I guess he missed it.”
“Does he do that a lot?” I asked. I was secretly thinking that if Foster flunked out, I was applying to live in the dorms. I already had a room picked out!
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“Yeah, I guess so. People think I'm dumb, but he's stupid.”
“It's been said ignorance can be educated, drunkenness sobered but stupid-” I tried to claspRoy's shoulder and settled for his upper arm. “-stupid is forever.”
Royrumbled a chuckle in reply. “So how are things going with Jake?”
“Pretty good, I think. I just gotta quit being dumb about him.” I grimaced.
“Well, this good friend of mine said that dumb can be made smarter and stupid-no, drunk-no, wait...”
I just shook my head. We arrived at class, took our seats, and were quickly swept away in facts and pages of notes. I would have been more swept away except thatRoyforgot his pen, and then he realized he had the wrong notebook, and could he have a few pieces of paper? Next thing you know, we were like the world's goofiest Siamese twins as we looked on at the same textbook.
“How do you forgeteverything you need for a class?” I hissed at him.
“I grabbed her books this morning by mistake.”
“You…her…what?”
“I went to Jen's last night and stayed the night-”Roystarted but I cut him off.
“I don't want to know.”
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“But-”
“I don't want to know!” I insisted.
“But we didn't-”
“No!”
“So is it okay if we share a book this morning?”
“As long as you don't share anything else about last night, sure!”
“But it was fun.”
“Roy...” My voice took on a tone of warning.
“What?” he asked innocently.
“I. Don't. Want.To. Know,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Okay.”
“Good.”
“I don't know why you are so uptight about sex,Kody ,” he whispered.
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Argh!Would this class never end?
“Roy, do you picture Jake and I having sex?”
“What? No! I'm not gay!”
“Well I am, and I don't want to picture you and Jen making the two backed beast!” I whispered fiercely.
“Doing what?”
“Screwing, fucking, doing the horizontal mambo!”I rolled my eyes and wondered what I had done, exactly, to deserve this.
“Oh!”Roysaid in a tone that revealed this had never occurred to him.“Sorry,Kody .”
“That's okay, as long as we understand each other.”
“We do.”
“Good.”
The professor droned and my mind desperately tried to focus on the material. It wasn't easy to do, especially withRoysitting next to me trying to read the same bits I was.
“Well, since you brought it up, are you guys doing it?”
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I slammed my book shut and grabbed my notebook, taking only enough time to growl in frustration and shootRoyas dirty a look as I could muster. Was nothing sacred?
*** I walked briskly across campus trying to get the image ofRoywithout any clothes on out of my head. Why, oh why, did he do that to me? At least he didn't get more descriptive, like leather or something. Argh !Royin leather chaps could make me never have a single sexual thought again. And I'd done that to myself!
I stalked into the library, contemplating being a virgin for life, and not liking it very much. The fact that Jake seemed to hesitate and run whenever we got within sight of the bedroom door wasn't helping either. He'd had sex before, I was sure of it. One doesn't go through life looking the way Jake Sheridan does and not get some play.
I picked a table near the windows and sat down with my books, figuring I'd read the chapter we were studying in class beforeRoyhad told me all about-Damn! I'd done it again! I'd thought I felt sorry for Jake walking in on his roommate, but this was torture. I wondered ifRoywould ever bang Jake's roomie?Ugh! I smacked my head on the table top repeatedly to drive the image out. I am too twisted for my own good.
I put my notebook on the table and grabbed a pen before cracking the text book. Being so prepared, I promptly looked out the window to daydream about Jake. He could be so sweet, and I still couldn't believe he was interested in me, but what gave with the sex thing? Could he be really bad at it? Yeah, right. Okay, let's look for something realistic now. He has no freaking scars on his body. Well, his upper body. Maybe that's it, he has scars on his legs or something and he's embarrassed. What else could it possibly be? I haven't seen him in shorts, but if his legs look anything like the skin on his chest I'd probably pass out anyway.
Then it hit me.I am so stupid! It's not Jake at all. It's me.
How could I be so dumb? I could see it clearly now. He was just waiting to let me down easy. I wondered if it was difficult to do that, to break someone's heart. Now I felt like dog crap, but I knew that I would continue to see Jake right up to when he laughed at me and told me to go away until I had some sexual experience or grew two inches. Either way I was screwed.
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I sat brooding on the day outside. The weather couldn't decide if it wanted to be gloomy or bright, so it was doing both. Clouds would roll in, darken everything, and then the sun would break through and paint light on the earth. I waxed and waned like that too, wondering if I was right about Jake wanting to let me down easy, and feeling a dread in the back of my mind that I'd stumbled across the truth.
The seat across from me was suddenly occupied by a petite girl with long dark hair. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place why.
“Hi, I feel a little silly asking you this, but…are you Jake Sheridan's boyfriend?”
“Uh, yeah.”I was completely shocked to be having this conversation. Who was this girl? How did she know Jake and I were together?
“Good, I would have felt silly otherwise!” She giggled and gave me a cheerleader smile. A memory was working its way forward from the back of my mind. She looked so familiar!
“I'm sorry, do I know you?” I asked.
“No, I don't think so. I guess I should get to the point.” She wrapped a few strands of her hair around a finger, playing with it as she spoke. “Well Jake kind of had a thing for me a while ago, and I was dumb and played into it. He's a pretty guy, who could blame me, right?”
I looked at her blankly. Was she out of her mind?
“Well, things went bad pretty quickly, but I found out some stuff on Jake. See, I did this Internet search to kind of help get me ready for doing research for school, and I found out some really freaky stuff.” She gave me a small, fake smile before she continued. “Has Jake told you about the drugs and alcohol problems he had?”
“Of course,” I replied. If that was all she was talking about she was scaring me for nothing!
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“Oh, I am so relieved! At least he was honest with you about that part. That whole Fenton Black thing just blew my mind!”
“Fenton Black?”
“Yeah!Youknow, the guy that was giving him all the drugs and fucking him in trade? I don't think Jake's even gay, he just goes where the money is.”
“Fu-what?”Jake was a whore? He…sold his body for drugs?
“Oh! I'm sorry,” she put a hand over her small bow shaped mouth. “You said he told you, so I thought you knew. I mean, I had to find out after he dumped me. I thought it was me, but then I realized it was because he expected to be paid. If I were you I'd cut him loose fast, you might catch something. Here, take these and count yourself lucky.”
She pulled a manila folder from her backpack and slid it across the table to me. I recoiled from it as though it were a sack of slithering snakes. I hate snakes.
“It's all in there. He's a real whore, you know? Just like the ones you can hire inNew York City. He did pretty well for himself, considering-”
“Leave,” I choked out.
“I'm sorry, are you-“
“I saidleave!”
She smiled and turned with a flip of her hair. I looked down at the folder with a sense of doom. Could it be true? Jake was pretty enough to get whoever he wanted, would he actually want someone to pay for it? Maybe he was waiting for me to wake up and discuss prices before he took anything off.Oh my God. I cradled my head in my hands, took a few deep breaths, and opened the folder.
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The first page was from a newspaper article, posted online. There a picture of an older, attractive man and under the picture was the caption `Fenton Black estate under investigation on charges of drug trafficking and prostitution ring.'
Oh God, it's true. It's really true.
*** I spent the afternoon going over every sordid detail in the folder. My heart felt as though it was pumping my very life from my body, and I could see no way to stop the bleeding. I sat in a daze, unable to cope with the realization. I tucked the folder in my backpack and started walking back to my apartment. I needed to talk to Dad. I needed to hear his voice right now.
As I walked upCentral Avenue, I was startled from my black thoughts by the pulsating bright lights of an ambulance in front of my store. I picked up my pace, hoping there was nothing serious going on. Well, of course it was serious. Otherwise the paramedics wouldn't be there. I stepped in the front door and took in the room. The paramedics were behind the counter and Marla stood off to one side with a worried hand placed on her forehead. I approached her and placed a hand on her arm. She jumped at my touch.
“Kody, you scared the hell out of me!” she said while throwing her arms around me. “I need a hug.”
“What's going on?” I asked as I clumsily returned the hug, feeling grateful for the contact as well.
“Max passed out. She didn't look good. I don't know what's going on. They're taking her to the hospital, but I can't go because we don't have anyone for the store until Mike gets here. He called and said he was having car trouble.” She looked at me with wide eyes. “Could you go with Max until I can get there?”
“Um...” I felt trapped, what was I supposed to do? I couldn't leave Max alone like that-she'd been good to me. “Yeah, I guess so.” Marla gave me all of Max's things-ID, insurance cards, and so on. The stretcher was lifted into the ambulance and I was seated in the back for the ride to St. Peter's Hospital.
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After the triage nurse had all the information she needed, I sat in the waiting room and fell immediately back to my earlier thoughts of Jake. What was I going to do? If I took Jake at face value, which was hard to do considering how many times I'd been screwed over by countless other guys, the pieces started to fall into place for me. All those times when he would zone out, maybe he was remembering something unpleasant. That made sense if he was embarrassed about his past. I thought about the times I remembered him being there, but not there. The time on the bus to the mall was a perfect example. The `sex issue' came up, and he squeezed my hand sofreakin ' hard I thought my bones would grind together, but he just stared into space.
Could that be the bottom of his fears? Could it be he really meant the things he had said and was just afraid? I thought on this for a moment. I'd never known anyone like him, so it makes a certain amount of sense that his background would be a completely alien to me as well.But this?
Jake gave no hint of these demons in his past. He certainly didn't seemslutty . He didn't talk like he was from the gutter or anything. He didn't wear revealing clothing, and he sure wouldn't do anything with me. So what would have given away that he used to be a…God! I couldn't eventhink it.Not Jake. Not my Jake.
“Have you heard anything yet?” Marla asked as she placed her hand on my shoulder, scaring the crap out of me.
“Marla!” I gasped.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Have they said anything about Max yet?”
“No. No one's been out since they took her back. She looked kind of okay when they wheeled her away though. She had a little color back in her face.”
“Oh, if something happens I'll kill her,” Marla grumbled while taking the seat next to me.
“She'll be okay.”
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“So, what had you in such deep thought?”
“Just…stuff.”
“Jake, I'll bet.”
“I need to make a phone call,” I said suddenly. I wasnot telling anyone Jake's past. Not entirely because I was ashamed of what he had been, either. A part of it, a bigger part than the guilt, was out of loyalty and a protective feeling for him because of what he had given me the past week or two.
I got up and followed the signs to the bank of telephones with the thought of calling home. I needed to hear the voices that loved me. That would help me make sense of all this. I stood dumbly in front of the phones, wondering if I had lost my mind. My father would, of course, tell me to get out of the relationship. IfSheridananswered, he'd give me to my dad. I still needed to hear them, even if I didn't tell them what was up.
I reached slowly for the phone with leaden arms. The need mixed with my doubts, my heart breaking for Jake, and maybe a little for me, too. My hand finally made contact, and my fingers dialed my calling card number from memory.
Busy. I couldn't believe it. It was like being trapped in some gay Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks flick. I leaned against the wall and waited. At least this was better than Marla interrogating me. I felt a tear welling as I thought of Jake in someone else's arms, someone who only cared for what he was on the outside, someone who only saw the tanned skin and the silken locks.
Another tear dropped for me, for the loss of any trace of innocence. After so many failed relationships, so many rainbows chased and no pots of gold to show for it, could I really be expected to take no more Jake in my life?
I grabbed the phone again and dialed home. The line rang twice, and then Charlie's voice came through the handset. I'd never tell him, but right then he sounded like a chorus of angels to my ears.
“Hello?”
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“Ch-Charlie?It'sKody . Man, it's good to hear your voice.”
“What's wrong?”
“Nothing.Where's Dad.”
“He and Sheridan are screwing right now. What's wrong?” I broke into laughter at his irreverent answer. I was already glad I'd made the call.
“Seriously, where's Dad?”
“Nude car hunting.What's wrong?”
“Charlie! Jeez, where's Dad?”
“Grocery shopping for sex toys.Does it really matter? I'm not telling you until you talk to me!” he said sternly. I heard the sound of a latch in the background, and I quickly questioned him as to what it was.
“Closet door, so they don't hear me.I swear they spy on me these days. They catch you with one guy in your room and you're branded for life!”
“Charlie!” I giggled.
“Actually, I just brought a puppy home and they're pissed `causethey fell in love with him at first sight. So seriously,Kody , what's wrong?”
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I sighed deeply. “The train wreck that is my life just went off the tracks again.”
“Okay, so tell me what could be so bad?”
“Oh Charlie, I don't know how to say it…I'm not sure Ican say it.”
“Kody,just let the words come out and we'll sort it out together. Just like always.”
“I don't know if this one can be fixed. Jake has….well,he did some bad things- things that I'm having trouble coping with.”
“What could be so bad? He sounded like a great guy to me.”
“I thought he was.” I sighed and leaned against the wall as I turned from another payphone patron. “Charlie, he-oh God. He sold his body.For money.For…for drugs.”
“Wow. He didn't sound like that kind of guy to me, but you know him, he must have had reasons.” Charlie's voice strengthened. “Are you going to dump him or give him a second chance?”
“I don't know what to do!” I wailed into the phone. “He makes me so happy and I want to be near him all the time. He's so sweet, and I thought he really cared for me. But now I keep seeing the face of this guy on my Jake-sweating and….and….Ohfuck me!”
I heard a gasp, and half-turned to see an overweight woman grab the cross hanging from about her neck and glare at me. I frowned back at her and turned away.Who cares what she thinks?
“That's incest, I can't.” Charlie quipped. “But let's get back to this other stuff.”
“You're not funny, Charlie. Now isn't the time.”
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“Okay, so Jake has a past. He's eighteen now, so that means he existed for seventeen years before you came into his life. He was bound to make a few mistakes.”
“A past is one thing, but this?Prostitution? This guy, thisdrug dealer got him high and thenhe- oh God, I can't say it.” I stared blankly at the wall, my tears coursing helplessly down my cheeks.
“Why can't you say it,Kode ?” Charlie asked softly.
“Because I love him,” I whispered.
“After all that, you still love him?”
I nodded to myself. “The thought of someone touching him so intimately, it makes me so mad, more pissed than I have ever felt about anything before. How can I face him?”
“How do you think he faced you all this time? What if he loves you, too,Kody ? What then?”
“You think I should act like this never happened?” I asked incredulously. “How can I just gloss this over?”
“I'm not saying you forget. You never forget...” Charlie's voice trailed off.
“What areyou- ”
“I have to tell you something,Kody , something that's not easy for me to say, so don't interrupt. The worst thing you could do to me would be to stop loving me, to takeyou away from me. I'd die.”
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“Charlie-”
“No. Be quiet. I need to tell you this. This is my biggest secret, one I never thought I would tell you in case you hated me for it, but you need to hear it because it might mean something to you right now. It might mean the difference between your happiness and closing yourself off from someone that might just love you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“If you remember, I was pretty quiet when I first moved in with you and Dad. I was quiet because I was afraid. While I was on the road, on my way here, I had to rely on strangers for help, sometimes money. I couldn't always do regular work for that money,Kode . Sometimes I had to…do things. Ihad to.”
My mind was spinning.Charlie? No, no, not my Charlie.
“Kody?”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“Do you still love me?”
I nodded wearily, my head like a lead weight on my shoulders.
“Kody, I know you. You probably just nodded, but I can't see you. I need to hear it. Please?”
“I'll always love you, Charlie,” I said softly.
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“Then don't kick Jake out of your life. He cares. He wants to be there for you. Everyone deserves a second chance. I got one. Don't you think Jake deserves one too? It doesn't sound like he's had it easy. People turn to drugs sometimes when they are unhappy, you know that.”
“Yeah, I know. In my heart, I know. But it still hurts. Just like it hurts to know you were in that position. You have no idea how much that hurts me to know people took advantage of you.”
“Hey, it's part of who I am. I get strength from overcoming my obstacles. I'm not proud of it. I might never even tell anyone else. We all have secrets,Kody . How did you even find out about this?”
I related to him my conversation with the bitch who accosted me in the library and the materials she had given me.
“Sounds like she wanted revenge, she was out to hurt Jake. Maybe he would have come clean eventually on his own,Kode . It's not something you bring up at dinner, you know.”
“I know all that. It's just thinking of Jake with someone else…I don't even know if this guy was pimping him out. Oh god, I never thought of that.” I closed my eyes against the sterile walls and the medicated smells of the hospital.
“There's only one person who can answer that. I think you need to decide what you really want.”
“I want...Jake. I just don't want...all of that.”
“We don't always get to choose. I didn't choose to love you, or Dad. It happened because of who you are, what you mean to me. You love Jake because of who he is and how he makes you feel. He makes you feel like you're everything I already know you are. But you have to decide what you want, what you need.”
“I need to see him. I have to try.”
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“Attaboy,Kode . Go get him. He's an awesome guy, and I think he's the one for you.”
It suddenly occurred to me that Charlie was speaking with a lot of authority about someone he didn't even know. “How do you know so much about Jake?”
“What do you mean?”
“You knew his age, I never told you that. He never even toldme that. What have you done, Charlie?”
“I just made sure ofhis intentions, that's all.”
“Charlie! Youwait'll I get home. You areso dead!”
“I didn't want you to get hurt again so I called him.”
“Wait a minute! You called him? How did you get the number?I don't even have his number!”
“I called the school. You don't have your boyfriend's number? What kind of boyfriend are you anyways?”
“Charlie-”
“So after talking to him, I'm convinced Jake would never hurt you. He's not what he might have been once, just like I'm not. I'm your brother now, our Dad's son. Not a runaway who had to do things to get by. Are you going to let Jake be who he has become? Or trap him in his past?”
I hated that he was right. “You had no business calling him. Iwill kick your ass for that. I have to go now. I need to talk to Jake.”
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“You do that. I love you,Kody .”
“I love you too.”
“Send me my pictures of my brother in law.”
“Charlie-” I bit my lower lip.
“Don't worry. I won't breathe a word to Dad.”
*** After sitting in the waiting room for what felt like half the night, they finally allowed us in to see Max. All they would tell us was that they were going to keep her overnight for observation. I was relieved they let us go in. Marla was driving me absolutely bonkers between her questions and wondering what was wrong with Max. We rode the elevator, and found Max's semi-private room. How do you get semi-private? It seems it either is or isn't. How do you go in-between on something like privacy?
“Hi, guys,” Max smiled wanly from her bed.
“So what did the doctor say?” Marla asked without preamble. She dropped her things in the visitors chair while I moved to the foot of the bed.
“I haven't been eating very well, mostly because my stomach has felt so weird lately. I threw up a few times in the past few weeks when I tried to have breakfast. So he says I need to watch my diet and basically change my eating habits.”
“That's all?” Marla asked.
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“Basically.Apparently, I don't take in enough nutrients for two people,” Max said quietly.
It took a minute to sink in, then my mouth dropped open and Marla squealed, “Max!” Later, she claimed that she didn't, but I know what I heard and it was a squeal.
“So I have a lot of changes to make,” Max continued calmly. “I have to eat right and get some exercise a few times a week for as long as I can. Difficult pregnancies run in my family, so I'll probably be sentenced-I mean prescribed bed rest before the pregnancy is over.” She rolled her eyes.
“So who's the father?” I asked.
*** Marla gave me a ride home later on that evening. She didn't question me this time, mostly because she was preoccupied with the big news. Max wasn't telling who the father was, and that drove Marla nuts. Mike always looked like Max's favorite, but did she have a guy somewhere else she was-Wow.I didn't want to think about that too long. I was pretty quiet about the whole revelation. My thoughts kept returning to Jake and what I had to do. Confronting this wasn't going to be easy, but I hoped we'd come out of it stronger-and still together.
I got home and all I could think about was Jake. I stood in my apartment, the clock reporting that it was now a few minutes pastmidnight. There was a light rap at my door, and Nick poked his head in.
“Kody, where you been, man?”
“Hospital,” I murmured.
“You okay?”
“No, not really.”
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“What happened?”
I sprawled tiredly on the couch and Nick took a seat at the other end. “Max got sick at work. She's pregnant.”
“Pregnant? Wow! Is shegonna marry the father?”
“It looks like the Immaculate Conception. She's not telling who the father is-if she even knows.”
“Damn. That's freaky. Glad you're okay though. Did you see Jake? He was looking for you earlier, seemed like it was important.”
“Jake was here?”
“Yeah.”
“I have to go see him!” I leaped up from the couch and headed for the door.
“Hey! Wait! What's going on?”
Ignoring Nick's calls, I hurried down the stairs and ran upCentral Avenue, which was deserted this time of night. My feet felt as though they had wings. My lungs burned as I thought of getting to Jake and falling into his arms-anything to make that happen. I turned onto the brick pathways of the college, and bore down on the sullen brick building that was Mohawk Dormitory. I burst through the door, taking in great gulps of air.
“Hey! What the hell are you doing? You know what time it is?”
I looked up to see Jen behind the RA desk. I was heaving and trying to catch my breath while my
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body hummed with the nervous energy of oxygen deprivation.
“Is that youKody ?”
“Need…Jake….” I dashed by her and took the stairs, just in case she got to me before the elevator doors closed. I ran up the step two at a time. I slowed down out of necessity by the third floor, and, since I heard no pursuit I figured I was safe. I was practically crawling by the time the stenciled five came into sight on the door to the fifth floor.
I took a moment to steady myself before heading down the hall to his room. That absurd star confronted me once again, and I paused. This was it, all the days of worrying were about to get settled, and maybe-just maybe I could get back to the business of falling in love. I rapped on the door. Nothing happened. I rapped again, more forcefully, and heard a groan and a crash.
“Slug, you've got keys, man,” agroggy voice said.Slug?
Foster opened the door, naked as jaybird, and I feared for my sanity. The more he revealed, the uglier he got!
“Who is it?” A female voice drifted from the darkness as Foster squinted at me.
“It's Jake's boyfriend. What the fuck do you want? I pulled my crankoutta my woman to answer the door.”
“I need to see Jake,” I stated.
“Well, you're shitoutta luck,Tinkerbell . Jakeain't here.”
“Liar.Let me see.”
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“No fucking way! My girl is naked in here!” Foster tried to slam the door shut, but I reached out as quickly as possible and grabbed the only thing I could-his nuts.
“Let me in right now, you stupid pile of monkey shit, before I do the world a favor and make sure you never have children.” I squeezed his balls hard to show I meant business.
“Ow!Leggo of me you faggot! Fawn, cover up!” he groaned. I twisted his nuts. This was not something for which I was proud. In fact, if I hadn't been so desperate to see Jake I might have thrown up at the thought of Foster's nuts in my hand. But I needed Jake.
“Let him go!” Fawn screeched. I fixed her with a glare as I flipped on the light switch and released Foster's claim to mediocrity. Jake's side of the room was empty. His sheets were gone, his computer-everything. Unsteadily, I walked to his closet and placed my trembling hand on the handle. It slid open with a quiet hiss, and empty walls glared at me. What had happened? Where was he?
“Where's Jake?”
“He went home, away from your crazy ass,” Fawn rasped. She had lit a cigarette and was blowing smoke out the window as she spoke. Foster glared at me, but said nothing.
“He went…home? He said he wanted to get away…from me?”
Fawn sighed, took a drag on her cigarette, and then stubbed it out. “No, he didn't say that. I just figure anyone your size who grabs another guy's balls has to be crazy.”
“He's a fag. Of course he touched my balls. Fags do that,” Foster mumbled.
“I have to go find him. How long ago did he leave?”
“Fuck if I know.” Foster shrugged. Clearly he was still pissed.
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Fawn studied me for a second, then a smile slowly spread across her face that not only would have stopped a clock, it might have made it implode. “You really love him,dontcha ?”
I merely nodded, not trusting my tongue to say something about her unlovely face. It was like a Halloween mask come to life.
“He called his mom up and said he needed to leave. He didn't sound like he was planning on coming back.Sorry, Kiddo.”
“I...I have to go find him.”
“Good luck! You guys would look good together,” she called as I dashed from the room.
I had to find out where Jake lived!
Chapter 17
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Jake"
Don't cry.
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I yanked open my dresser drawers and started throwing clothes into the suitcase.
“Man, what the fuck's wrong with you?” Foster snarled from his bed. “Can't you see I'm trying to have a little privacy with my girl?”
“You'll have all the privacy you want in a few hours.”
“Yeah, well, we were in the middle of something.”
“Leave him alone, Foster,” Fawn spoke up. “Can't you see he's upset about something?”
“His queer boyfriend probably dumped him,” my ever-sensitive roommate grumbled. I fought down the growing urge to burst into tears and just kept packing.I will not cry in front of Foster. I will not give him that pleasure.
After a few minutes of heavy silence, Foster heaved a beleaguered sigh and jumped out of bed. “If you're not leaving any time soon I might as well go take a piss.” He pulled on a pair of gray sweatpants and stomped out the door—or at least he tried to stomp. Barefoot stomping loses some of its effect.
“You okay?” Fawn asked after a few seconds.
“I don't want to talk about it.” I restrained myself from adding “especially with you.”
“That's cool. I was just trying to help.” She was quiet for a few more seconds, but it was like she was incapable of remaining that way for long. “I know what it's like to get hurt by a boy.”
“Who said I got hurt by a boy?” I snapped impatiently.
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“Trust me, I know the signs well.” She sat up—keeping the sheet carefully pulled over her large breasts—opened the window, and lit up a cigarette. She inhaled deeply, held it in for a few seconds, and then slowly released the smoke towards the window. Technically, we aren't allowed to smoke in the dorms, but I wasn't in the mood to make an issue if it. “You just got your heart broken.”
I grabbed the first thing within reach—a coffee mug—and hurled it against the wall. The mug shattered into dozens of small pieces. “I don't want to talk about it,” I managed to choke out through the tightness in my throat.I will not cry.
“Hey, I understand. You're angry. I've been there. But you can't run away.”
“Did I ask you? Besides, who said I'm running away?”
“I suppose you're just packing for the fun of it?”
“I just need to get away.”
“You're running away.”
“Fine, I'm running away. So what? How is that your business?”
“It's not. I'm just saying...you can't run away from it. You'regonna hurt no matter where you are.” She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees, watching me while I busily kept packing. “You'll get over him eventually. Then someone else will come along. Maybe someone better.”
“Like Foster?” I scoffed.
She laughed. “Foster's just keeping me occupied while I wait for that someone better. He's not the marrying type, if you know what I mean, but he's great in bed. He'll do things most guys won't.”
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“You know, Ireally don't want to talk aboutthat .”
Just then, Foster returned, sparing me from all the gory details of their sex life. He gave me a dirty look. “Are you still here?”
“Six hours, Foster, then I'll be gone. Think you can wait that long?”
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“For good?”
“That remains to be seen.”
He shrugged. “Whatever. Come on, Fawn. Let's go get something to eat.”
Fawn dropped her cigarette into a beer can where it died with a fizzle, then grabbed her clothes from the floor next to the bed. She dressed under the sheets, and then, finally, the lovely couple made their exit, leaving me gratefully alone. My vow not to cry lasted all of thirty seconds before I was a sobbing heap on the floor. I'd pretty much cried myself out when I heard a key in the door. I cut off my tears with a hiccup and quickly wiped my teary face on my blanket. I was scrambling to my feet whenRoyopened the door. A look of concern crossed his face as he took in my disheveled, red-eyed appearance.
“Jake, what's wrong?” He stood awkwardly by the door. I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak. “Is itKody ?” I nodded. “What happened? Did you find him?”Another head-shake. “Did you guys break up?” Much to my embarrassment, I once again burst into tears. “Oh jeez, Jake.I'm sorry.” He shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot,then suddenly charged across the room towards me. I involuntarily flinched as he reached me, but much to my amazement, he enveloped me in what had to be the gentlest hug I'd ever received.
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He must have noticed the suitcase while my face was still pressed into his massive chest. “Why are you packing?” He released me so abruptly I stumbled back a few steps. At least I'd stopped crying from the shock. “You're not leaving are you?” He sounded so horrified by the prospect that I felt bad that I'd not even thought about letting him know I was going home.
“I...I need to get away,Roy. I need some time to think away from everybody—well, away fromhim at least.”
“But...but...”
“I might be back in a few days.”
“Then why are you packing everything?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my forehead.Roywas not as dumb as most people thought. “I just need to get away,Roy. Please try to understand.”
“But you're my only friend here.”
“That's not true. You're friends withErin, and there's Jen. Things are just getting started there. You don't need me around for that. And then there's always...Kody...”
“Erin's your friend, not mine. And I do need you around for Jen. Who am I going to ask for advice? AndKody ...well, he only put up with me because of you.” Now, he looked likehe might cry at any minute. “You're my best friend, Jake. I don't want you to go.”
I dropped down on the bed next to the suitcase and thought about whatRoyhad said. I was his best friend? I'd barely been a friend to him at all. I'd more tolerated him than anything. Suddenly, I felt terribly guilty at the way I'd taken him for granted. He was always there, listening to my problems and watching out for me—truly being a friend. And what had I given him in return? Not much, and yet, he still thought I was a great friend.
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I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to sound cheery, not an easy prospect in my current state of mind. “Hey, no matter what happens, we'll stay friends. Got it? You can call me anytime, email me, and even come visit me inMaryland.”
“Really?”He still looked miserable, but not so much like he might cry. “I've never been toMaryland.”
“You'll love it. We've got great beaches. I can teach you how to surf. And who knows, maybe I will come back after I have some time to think things over.”
He gave me a little smile. “I hope so.”
For the first time since I'd found out thatBecca had toldKody the truth about me, I started to think that maybe I would come back. I'd made some great friends here: Erin, Roy, and Carlos. So what if things were over withKody ?
Kody.
My heart broke all over again as I thought about being here without him. How could I go about my daily life—attend classes, eat meals,drink coffee —knowing he was so close but I couldn't see him or touch him? That would be the purest form of torture. I'd made the right decision. I had to go home.
“Can I help you pack or something?”Royasked, startling me out of my reverie. I'd practically forgotten he was even there.
“Sure. Thanks.”
*** Mom arrived five and a half hours later. She must have broken some kind of land speed record. I hadn't been expecting her for another hour or two considering she was traveling during the brunt of rush hour.
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She called as she was pulling into the lot, and knocked on the door a few minutes later. I barely had the door open before she'd enveloped me in a tight hug. I struggled not to break down again. I was starting to get one of those crying headaches. Mom pulled away and held me at arms' length, looking me over carefully. Her eyes seemed to search mine. Then she nodded and turned towards Roy who was watching with large eyes. She inspectedRoythe same way she had me, then crossed the room and gave him a hug as well. The sight was almost enough to make me laugh. The look onRoy's face was priceless, but even better was the how small my petite mother looked inRoy's embrace.
“Roy, this is my mom, Judy,” I said as Mom stepped away from a bewilderedRoy. “Mom, this isRoy . He's a good friend.”
“He must be your protector.” She beamed warmly at him.
Roygot an aw-shucks look on his face and I swear he scuffed his toe on the floor. “Nice to meetya ,” he mumbled.
Mom reached out and touched his hand. “You have a pure soul,Roy. Thank you for looking out for Jake.”
“He's been a good friend.”
Mom smiled again. “Good.” She turned to me. “Are you ready? We have a long drive back.”
“You don't need to rest or anything?” I knew if I'd just driven almost six hours I wouldn't be all that eager to jump back in a car right away.
“Nope, I'm running on a pot of coffee. There'll be lots of pee breaks. I'm ready if you are.”
I shrugged. “I guess I'm ready then.”
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“I'll help carry your stuff down, Jake,”Royoffered.
“Thanks,Roy.”
Even withRoy's help—the boy was like a pack mule, we just kept piling it on him—it took us two trips to load everything into the car. Once the car was packed, I went back inside to say good-bye to Erin,Roytrailing behind me like a lost puppy. She'd gathered the whole group together to send me off. Carlos,Toshi , Miranda, and Alex were all there wearing identical mournful expressions.
“Guys, I'm just going home. This isn't a funeral,” I joked. Carlos attempted a smile. No one else even bothered.
“Will you be coming back?”Toshi asked. That seemed to be the question of the day. I wished I had an answer.
I shrugged. “We'll see.”
We all stood awkwardly for a few minutes. I was just hoping no one would start crying.
“Group hug!”Erinsuddenly yelled out, and everyone moved together as if that was all we'd been waiting for.
“Jake? You ready?” My mother stuck her head in the door and broke the moment.
We broke apart and I quickly introduced everyone. We had a quick round of individual hugs and then Mom and I walked out to the car,Roystill straggling along behind me. I had a sudden mental image of him chasing the car down the road.
Mom climbed into the driver's seat, and I turned to tellRoygood-bye one last time. I letout an “oof ”
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as he crushed me against his chest in a bone-jarring bear hug.
“Bye, Jake,” he rumbled.
I grunted. I would have said more but he was squeezing me so hard I was afraid my lungs might collapse. He released me and I gasped for air. Once I'd caught my breath, I patted him on the arm. “This isn't good-bye, just see you later.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“I hope you come back, Jake.”
He was once again looking like he might cry so I decided to keep things short and sweet. “We'll stay in touch either way, Big Guy.”
He nodded, and I quickly jumped into the passenger seat. Mom started the car and pulled away. I glanced back, butRoyrefrained from chasing us. He just stood there morosely watching us drive away.
“Poor guy,” Mom said, glancing in the rear-view mirror. “He seems more broken-hearted than you. Do you think he has a crush on you?”
“Mom, Roy is straight. He's just never had a close friend.”
“Ah. He's really going to miss you. I could feel his pain as soon as I walked into your room. His almost outweighed yours.”
A wave of guilt flowed over me. “I'll miss him too.” As I said the words, I realized how true they
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were. I'd grown quite fond of the big lug—not to mention Erin, Carlos, and the rest.
As if she'd read my mind (and who knows, maybe she did), Mom turned to me and asked, “Are you sure you want to do this?”
I hesitated a moment, then nodded.“Yeah. I need to get away to think, even if it just turns out to be for a few days.”
“Right, because I have nothing better to do than drive you back and forth betweenNew Yorkand Maryland.”
I flushed. “I'm sorry, Mom. Thanks for driving all the way up here to get me. I really do appreciate it.”
“I know you do, Kiddo.” She gave me smile. “I'm just giving you a hard time. So how about if you tell me what this is all about anyway? This morning you were insisting all was well.”
“I thought it was. Then all hell broke loose.”
“Tell me about it?” I turned my face away. “I don't really feel like talking about it.”
“Come on, spill it. You'll feel better after you do.”
“Mom...”
“Okay.Later then?”
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“Later. I think I'll just take a nap now. Wake me up if you get tired and I'll drive a while.”
She nodded, and I leaned my head against the window and shut my eyes. I wasn't really tired and didn't expect to fall asleep. I just wanted to avoid talking aboutKody with my mother. I must have been more drained than I'd thought though, because at some point I really fell asleep.
I awoke with a start when we pulled into a rest stop. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. “Where are we?”
“Somewhere inNew Jersey.It's time for another pee break. You slept through the first one.”
“You left me in the car alone and asleep?” I was aghast.
Mom rolled her eyes. “You're a little too big to kidnap, Jacob. I locked the doors. Now if you'll excuse me, my bladder is about to burst.” She unbuckled her seat belt and slid out of the car. I realized I had to go too, so I jumped out behind her.
Back in the car, Mom gave me a look. I knew I couldn't put her off any longer. With a sigh, I resigned myself to reliving the whole story.
Sure enough, her first words were, “So what happened?”
“I screwed up.”
“Could you be a little more specific?”
“I didn't tellKody everything about...about my past. I told him I was an addict, but I left out the part about Fenton Black.”
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Mom's face darkened. The very mention of his name made her furious—both at him and herself for not intervening sooner. “And he found out somehow?”
“There's this girl—“
“It's always a girl,” Mom muttered under her breath.
“Her name isBecca . I met her before I'd met anybody else at school. She seemed really nice at first, but it didn't take me long to realize she was only interested in bagging a boyfriend. So I told her I wasn't interested because I was gay. She didn't buy it. She freaked out. A few weeks later she saw me at the Coop withErinand assumed she was my girlfriend. There was a big scene that ended with me saying some pretty nasty things toBecca .”
“So this is a case of the woman scorned?”
“Somethinglike that. After you called this morning, I got a funny feeling aboutKody .”
“What kind of funny feeling?” That had certainly caught her attention. Mom lived with the hope that I'd develop some sort of psychic abilities. So far I'd disappointed her on that front. I was anything but disappointed. The Gifts, as she referred to them, seemed more like a curse than a gift to me.
“Nothing supernatural, Mother.I just had a feeling of dread.”
“It could have been precognition!”
“Or it could have been the power of suggestion. After all, you'd just called me up and practically insisted something was wrong.” That quieted her. “Either way, I tried to findKody , but I couldn't locate him anywhere. ThenRoytold me he'd skipped out on his classes, so I went looking for him. I bumped into Becca on campus, although I doubt that was a coincidence. She wanted to gloat about how she'd found out about everything by doing an Internet search. Somehow, she'd found some articles that mentioned my involvement with Fenton. She gave them toKody .”
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“The bitch!”
“Stay in your lane,” I yelled as she started to drift towards a tractor-trailer on our left.
“Sorry. This just gets me so steamed! What didKody say?”
“I don't know.”
“What do you mean you don't know?”
“I couldn't find him anywhere. No one has seen him all day. He's avoiding me.”
Mom stared at me in disbelief until I pointed frantically at the road. She was quiet a few more moments before she let loose on me.
“Are you trying to tell me that I drove all the way up here from Maryland and you don't even know if he's upset or not?”
“Mom, wouldn't you be upset if you just learned that your boyfriend used to be a whore for drugs? And even worse, he kept that from you?”
“Jake, you can't project your feelings onto other people. You should have at least talked to him before you ran off.”
I turned towards the window and stared out at the lights of whatever town we were passing. “Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.”
“Why on earth not?”
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“I didn't want to see the disgust in his eyes.”
“You don't know that he's disgusted.”
“I couldn't stand it, Mom.”
She was quiet for a minute. “You really care aboutKody , don't you?”
“I...” A tear escaped and rolled down my cheek. “I think I love him.”
“Then don't you think you at least owe him the chance to work this out—assuming there even is anything to work out?”
I didn't answer, but my mind was working overtime. She dropped the subject and we didn't talk much for the rest of the drive. I dozed a bit, but mostly, I thought about what she's said. When we got home, I went straight to my bedroom and dropped into bed. Mercifully, sleep claimed me quickly.
*** “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.” Someone dropped heavily onto the bed next to me.
I blinked awake to find Killian staring down at me with a crooked little half-smile. I frowned. “What are you doing here?”
His eyebrows rose. “Is that any way to greet your best friend who you haven't seen for a month?”
I pushed myself into a sitting position and gave him a hug. Then I pushed away and studied him. “Mom called you, didn't she?”
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He grinned.“Yep. She said she had to go meet with an important client and she wanted someone to be here when you woke up.”
I rolled my eyes.“As if I need a babysitter. And, of course, you decided to wake me up.”
“Of course.So what are you doing home? Your mom wouldn't tell me. She said you could fill me in.”
“Aha! That's the real reason you woke me up. You just wanted to satisfy your curiosity.”
He shrugged, not even bothering to deny it. Killian was notoriously inquisitive, which is probably why he got into the PI business to start with. “So tell me what happened. Have you been crying? Your eyes are all puffy.”
“I just woke up! Jeez. You really know how to make a boy feel special.”
“Oh, stop fishing for compliments. You know you're hot as hell, even first thing in the morning when you've slept in your clothes. You stink, by the way.” I stuck my tongue out at him. He tackled me and started tickling. We wrestled around for a few minutes before I let him pin me. “Just tell me what happened, already,” he panted.
I sighed and gave in. We settled in next to each other on the bed, our backs propped up against the headboard and our legs crossed casually over one another's. Since it had been a while since we'd talked, I had to give him more background than Mom had needed. I started all the way back with meetingKody for the first time and brought him up to the present, leaving nothing out. Telling it all took a while, especially since Killian asked so many questions. I started to feel like I was a witness in one of his cases. When I was finished I felt like I needed a nap again. At least I'd gotten through it without crying this time.
Killian stared at me for a few seconds after I'd finished. “So, let me get this straight. You just ran off without even talking to him?”
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“Argh!”I shoved him away and crawled to the foot of the bed. “You sound like my mother.”
“Well, I mean, really, Jake. Don't you think you owed him that, at least?”
“I don't know what I owe him. All I know is that I didn't want to see him look at me with disgust.” He opened his mouth, but I rushed on to cut him off before he could say it. “And yes, I know that I don't know for sure he'd be disgusted, but even if he wasn't, I kept the truth from him. He probably hates me now. At the very least, it's probably over between us. Who would want to date someone who used to be a whore? He probably never wants to see me again.” I flopped back onto the bed and stared dejectedly up at the ceiling.
“Why don't you let him speak for himself? I've never heard someone use the word `probably' so many times in one self-pitying speech.”
I sat up and stared at him with my mouth agape, feeling like he'd slapped me.
“Don't look at me like that. You're acting like a little kid, running from these bogey monsters that only exist in your head instead of facing your problems head on like an adult. And your mom is just as bad, rushing up there to rescue you. At least I can understand where she's coming from. She feels all this guilt over not being there when you needed her so now she's overcompensating. What's your excuse?”
I felt my face heating up with anger. “If all you're going to do is sit there and judge me then you can leave,” I snapped.
“I'm not judging you. I'm trying to help you. I know you've been through a lot of shit, and I'm sorry, but you can't keep using that as an excuse to avoid life. You've got to move on and start living, and that means letting someone—maybeKody —love you.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“I think you're afraid to let him get close.”
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“I am not!”
“Then why did you run away when he wanted to be intimate?”
“I...I didn't run away.”
“You did. You told me yourself. And then you ran away again at the first sign of trouble, this time away from the whole school—heck, the whole state.”
“I...You don't understand.”
“Don't I? Maybe I understand too well. I've been there, Jake. You're afraid of getting hurt again so you avoid letting people get too close. You're trying to put everything onKody , but the truth is you're using this as an excuse to get away. He was getting too close and you were feeling things for him that scared you. If it wasn't this, it would have been something else.”
I looked away.“Fine. Maybe you're right. I am scared.”
“It's okay to be scared. After all you've been through you'd be crazy not to be scared. You just can't let it control you. Do you really want to be alone for the rest of your life?”
I shook my head no.
“Then sooner or later you're going to have to take a risk and open up your heart to someone.”
“I don't know if I can.”
“Do you loveKody ?”
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I nodded shakily.
“Say it.”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Sayit.”
“Yes. I loveKody .”
“Then you have to take that chance. Every relationship is a risk, Jake. Some work out and some don't. You don't know what's going to happen in the future, but you can't be paralyzed by the fear of what might happen.”
“But what if—”
“What if he's your soul mate and you live happily ever after?”
I thought about what he'd said for a few minutes while Killian waited patiently. “So you think I should go back and hope he'll give me another chance?” I asked finally.
“I think you should give your relationship another chance.”
“What if he doesn't want to give me another chance?”
“Will you quit with the what-ifs already? You're like Mr. Worst Case Scenario. Try looking on the
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bright side for a change.”
“I haven't seen many bright sides in my life. I don't know if I'd recognize one if it bit me in the ass.”
Killian's eyes softened. “I know, sweetie. That's why you have me, to point them out for you so you don't miss them.”
I gave him a small smile. “You know, you're right.”
“I usually am,” he said with a grin. “What am I right about this time?”
“I was scared to...to be intimate withKody , but not for the reason you think—or at least not totally.”
Killian looked surprised. “Then why were you scared?”
“Maybe it was partially what you said about not letting himget too close, but it was also because—” I took a deep breath. “I haven't been with anyone since Fenton.”
Killian gave me a bewildered look. “I know. So?”
“So? That was two years ago.”
“I'd think that would make you want to do it more.”
“Of course I wanted to. It's not that I don't want to. I'm just scared.”
“Scared of what, exactly?”
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“I haven't dated anyone since...well...ever really. You were the first guy I ever fell for, and as we both know, nothing came of that except our friendship. When Mom and I moved toCalifornia, I got into drugs and had a lot of sex, but it was just physical. None of it meant anything. Then we moved back here and everything happened with Fenton. After that, I was just concentrating on getting over my addictions. I didn't feel much like sex. After everything I've been through, let's just say anonymous sex had lost its allure. Since I wasn't seeing anyone, it wasn't really an issue until I metKody . Then when things started happening...” I played with the sheets for a few seconds while Killian waited for me to go on. “I've never had sex with someone I genuinely cared about.”
Killian blinked in shock. “Oh wow. Jake...I didn't realize...”
“It's not something you brag about, you know?”
“So, in a way, it's almost like you're a virgin too.”
I made a face. “I wish. I'm going into this with a lot of baggage.”
“Who doesn't have baggage these days?”
“Kody.”
“Don't you think you might be idealizingKody a little? He sounds like he's been through his share of crap, too.”
“Nothing like I have.”
“You can't compare stuff like that. If he's willing to take you as you are, with all your baggage, then what are you waiting for?”
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“”How do I know if he's willing?”
“There's only one way to find out.”
“Go back to school.”
“Bingo.”
I sighed.“Fine.”
“You'll go back?”
“Yes, I'll go back.”
“And you'll give what you andKody have another shot?”
I hesitated. “I'll do my best.”
Killian pulled me against him in a tight hug. “That's all anyone can expect,” he whispered, then released me. “It won't be easy, but I know you can do it.”
“I wish I was as confident.”
“You—” The doorbell cut him off.
I looked down at my rumpled clothes. “Ugh. I'm not fit for public view. Can you get that? I'm going
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to take a shower.”
“Sure. No problem.”
I scuttled into the bathroom, shut the door,then yanked it back open for one last instruction. “Oh, and if it's for me, I'm not home.”
Chapter 18
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Kody"
I stepped from the elevator to find Jen still at the RA's desk. She fixed me with a steady gaze as I approached. The lobby was flooded with light, but fairly quiet. Noise came only from a small TV mounted on the wall, probably installed to keep the RA's from slipping into a coma. I stopped a foot short of her desk, meeting her gaze measure for measure.
“I have to speak toErin.”
“Oh?” She quirked an eyebrow and gazed at me placidly.
“I know it's late, but it's an emergency.”
“What's going on? Nobody called to complain, but you're lucky I recognized you. Someone else might have called campus police.Might have thought you were on drugs or something.”
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“Jake's gone.”
“What do you mean?”
“He went home, he left. I have to see him.Erincan help. I could wait until morning—maybe—but I don't think so. I need to see him. I have to speak toErin.” I tried to make my eyes as large and pitiable as I possibly could,willing her to feel for me.
“If she gets pissed, I'm beating your cute little ass,” Jen muttered and gave me quick directions toErin 's room. I walked in the harsh light of the dormitory at night, the lights glaring off the white, institutional tiles. Soft music came from behind a number of doors where some students burned themidnightoil. At last I slowed to a door with the low buzz of voices humming on the other side. I knocked, and the voices stopped. When the door opened I was face to face with an obviously aggravatedErin. “Kody?”Erinsaid as she recognized me.
“I need to know where Jake is. I have to see him.” My voice held almost no inflection at all.
"Where've you been all day?"Erindemanded,an angry edge to her voice.
“Where've I been? What're you talking about?”
"We've been looking all over for you, and now you show up when it's too late."
"I was at the hospital, what am I too late for? Where is Jake?" At this point she was starting to piss me off, and I wondered if coming here had been the smartest thing to do.
"He went home."
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I stared at her for a moment, unable to speak.He went home? "He just packed up and left me?"
"He thought you were avoiding him because you didn't want to be with him anymore."
"He what?That's stupid! Who told him that? Why would he..." I trailed off as I realized what might make him think such a thing. But that wasn't fair! He didn't even talk to me!
"Beccatold him that she'd told you everything. He panicked and went looking for you. When he couldn't find you, he decided to leave. His mom came and got him. They left about an hour ago. Wait...why were you in the hospital?"
"Becca...? I wasn't there for me. I had to ride with Max in the ambulance—she got knocked up." "Who's Max? No, never mind. That's not important. So you weren't avoiding Jake, and you don't want to break up with him?"
"No, I don't want to break up with him, not that I should have to defend myself to you. I came here to find him, not play twenty questions!" I snapped. I would go to Nick, I decided, and get him to help me.
"Wait!Kody !" she called, grabbing me by the arm. Her expression was remorseful. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to grill you. It's just that I was so angry—and not just at you. At Jake for leaving, andBecca for being an interfering bitch...and you because I thought you'd hurt Jake. If you really don't want to break up with Jake—" "I don't!" "Good, then maybe we can help. Come on in."Erinplaced a long arm on my shoulder and pulled me into the room. There was a small audience in the room. There was no way they hadn't heard our exchange in the doorway. The Asian boy looked familiar, and I recognizedErin's boyfriend Carlos, but other than that, it was a group of strangers.
"Okay,"Erinannounced, taking charge. "Jake has created a mess and it's up to us to sort it out.Kody , what can we do to help?"
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“I need to know how to find him.”
“What would you do if you did find him?”
I thought for a moment, what would I do? A sudden anger welled up inside me, anger that threatened to blind all my thoughts save one. “I'd kick his ass for running away.”
Erinseemed to think on this for a moment before replying. “He might need that, but maybe I should reword my question. Why should I tell you where he lives?”
“Because he just left!”I stood up and began to walk unsteadily in circles. “He didn't talk tome, he didn't even give me a chance to deal with it. He didn't even let me tell him that…that I love him.” I slowly sank to my knees, wracked with anger and losing hold of my emotions. I had taken hold of them firmly before speaking to Jen, only because she probably wouldn't have helped me if I was raving at her. Now I felt that control slipping away.
Hands rubbed across my back, and I slowly lifted my tear filled eyes asErinwhispered softly to me.
“Now that's a good reason for me to break the rules. Now we need flesh out a plan. I can get the address from my friend Diana, but there is the little problem of getting you toMaryland.”
“Maryland.” It sounded like a foreign country.
“Yeah, problem is that Lisa, one of the other RA's, went home for a family emergency so I can't go with you. Carlos has a car, sort of, but it wouldn't make it all the way toMaryland. Sometimes I don't think it'll make it to the grocery store.”
The Asian guy raised his hand, looking guilty. "I, um, have a car—" "Freshmen aren't allowed to have cars. You broke the rules?" A pretty black girl said, giving the Asian guy a sly smile. "Cool man,Toshi the Vanquisher of Rules," a fellow leaning against the wall said. His eyes were all
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red and he looked like he wasn't entirely here. I assumedToshi must be the Asian guy.Toshi blushed as Erinwalked toward him, smiling. "Toshi, if you want to help this little love affair along, I can forget you said that." "Not that I don't want to help, but that's blackmail. Can't you just ask?" "Toshi, can we borrow your car to getKody and Jake back together?"Erinasked sweetly.
“Only if I get invited to the wedding.”
Erinlooked at me, and I nodded dumbly, finally breaking into a hopeful smile. Maybe I could get him back.
"Now all we need is a driver.Any volunteers?" The room broke into a cacophony of sounds, but in the end it all boiled down to one thing: No. There were tests, projects, work, and just plain fear of being near an emotionally distraught couple. I had only one hope left.
*** “Kody, I know we're in college, and we're normally up late, but it's two in the morning. What can't wait until tomorrow?”
“Jake. Me. I can't wait.” My words jumbled together as my thoughts collided in my brain, thoroughly confusing my mouth.
“What?”
“Jake left.”
“You better come in. I'll make some coffee.”
I fidgeted in Nick's apartment while he brewed something to make him coherent enough to deal with
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me. He placed a mug in front of me, along with cream and sugar.
“Now, where is Jake, and why is he there?”
“Jake—” I was now confronted with what to say to Nick. He was closer to me than he was to Jake. How would Jake feel about Nick knowing? I shifted in my seat.
“Kody, look, I love you and all, but you're pushing it.”
“He went home because...there's been a misunderstanding, and he thinks I don't want to be with him. I can't tell you what happened. It's private and that's Jake's business. I need to go after him.”
“So, why are you going there if he ran away?Doesn't seem real matureKody .”
“You know why, Nick.”
“I think I do, but I also want to hear you say it.Just once.”
I smiled at Nick, who had become such a close and trusted friend. “Because I love him, Nick.A whole lot.”
“Atta-boy,Kody .What do you need me for then?”
“You have to drive with me toMaryland.”
“Excuse you?”
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“Maryland, that's where Jake went, so that's where I need to be.Toshi offered his car,Erin masterminded it, but no one can go. I need you, Nick. I can't drive all that way myself.”
“Why?” Nick looked to the ceiling. “Why are all my friends crazy? Why can't they be normal? Why can't they live closer when they run home?”
“Is that a yes?”
“Not until morning at the very least. I need some sleep and this coffee isn't cutting it.”
“But I can't sleep!” I wailed.
“I can though, and I will. Look, I need to sleep if we're driving toMaryland. We can leave first thing in the morning. Who goes toMarylandanyway?”
“Jake's from there.Can't be that bad.”
“Don't bother waking me. I'll come get you.” Nick eyed me before shuffling off to his room.
I headed back to my room and calledErinto let her know Nick would do it. I could get the keys to Toshi's car before his first class at eight. I climbed into the shower and thought about Jake, alternating between the desire to kick his ass all the way back to campus and the desire to hold him until the hurt stopped. Definitely a lot of holding, I'll tell him how I really feel. I'll tell him that I am here to stay, no matter what happened in his past.
But first, the ass whipping of a lifetime.
I got dressed and sat on the couch, sure that I would go mad waiting for Nick to finish resting. I wondered what Jake was feeling? Did he feel the same aching loneliness that I felt, fear that this might be the end for us? That was a possibility. He might reject me when I got there. I sat up straight in my seat. This thought had never occurred to me before now.
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What if he didn't want to try and work it out? Is that why he ran? Was he too afraid to even confront it? Would he even see me? He could have avoided me or broken it off here if he wanted to do that, though. What was inMaryland? Well, his Mom, but I don't think most guys go to their mom with boy trouble. I went to my dad, but we had a really close relationship. Jake seemed to love his mom, but he didn't indicate they talked about stuff.
With a sudden sick lurch, one thought came to mind: Killian. His best friend, the guy he had a crush on, his first love. He ran to something safe, someone he knew he wouldn't have to explain anything to.
I shouldn't be allowed to spend time by myself. I am not healthy for me. I leaned back on the couch, feeling mental and physical exhaustion overtaking my body. I dreamed of Jake.
*** “Please, be really careful, ok? I know it's not a Cadillac or anything, but I can't replace it. Okay?” Toshi had a worried edge to his voice.
“I'll be careful, I promise,” Nick grumbled for what seemed like the thousandth time.
“Okay, so you got the directions from the internet. You have sandwiches and sodas that Alex and Miranda made for you. Do you need anything else? Am I forgetting anything? Oh, wait, yes I am.”Erin reached into her backpack as we all stood next toToshi's middle-aged Mazda.
“I have no idea why Carlos has this. His car couldn't break the speed of smell.” She handed Nick a radar detector. “Put it next to you, right on the dash. If you should get pulled over throw it under the seat or something.” She noticedToshi's pained expression before adding, “Not that you'll needit since you'll be doing the speed limit the whole way.”
Finally, we were off, with one stop at the ATM for the tolls. We got on the Thruway and headed south forMaryland.
“How long is this trip supposed to take anyways?” Nick asked.
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“According to the directionsErinfound…six hours and forty-one minutes.”
“Six!Six hours!?”
“And forty one minutes.”
“I gotta spend six hours with you in the car?”
“Yep, and forty one minutes.”
“No way, you never said it was going to take this long.”
“How was I supposed to know? I've never been toMaryland.”
“That's becausenobody goes there!”
“Are you going to bitch the whole way?”
“You're damn right I am! Who in their right mind is going to go almost seven hours to see someone in Maryland?”
“Well, if it's a good someone—“
“I don't care if it's the fucking Queen of England wanting high tea!Maryland?”
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“Look, you got coffee, there's food, and we have drinks! Why are you fighting with menow ?”
“What else are we going to do for seven hours?” He smirked.
“We could sing show tunes?”
“Oh, no, no way.If you want to be a big old gay stereotype, you can just swish there all by yourself.”
“Well, Idid bring some music with me.”
“Kody.”
“What?”
“We are not singing for six hours.”
“And forty one minutes.”
“Don't make me turn this car around.”
“Then will you quit bitching and let me think for a little bit?”
“No fucking way.”
“Why not?”
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“Because you'll wonder what Jake is doing, then you'll pout, and then you'll cry, and thenI'll feel bad and be forced to console you, and I can't do that.”
“Why not?”
“I have to drive!”
“Well, do you think I'm doing the right thing?”
“Oh, that's great. That's just great,Kody .”
“What now?” I sighed in frustration.
“I thought we were friends. I thought you liked me. You wait until we are already on the road to ask whatIthink? ”
I was in shock. I had totally done that. I didn't even ask him what he thought before getting him in the car. And he came anyway.
“I'm sorry.”
“Kody, I'm kidding.”
“Now I feel like a bad friend.”
“Kody, don't start.”
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“No, I mean it.”
“God, I never thought I'd say this, but I can'twait to get toMaryland!”
“Why?”
“So I can give you to Jake and get some damn peace!”
“Thanks Nick, I needed the distraction. I don't know what to do when I get there, and I had some pretty bad…ideas about why he went home.”
“Kody, you need to trust in what your heart tells you. I know Jake is the guy for you. I don't know why he ran away, but he must have had a reason. I can only think he'd feel so good that you came and got him. ButKody , you can't always do that.Jake needs to deal with whatever this is or you'll be chasing him your whole life.”
“You go from bitchy to Ann Landers in under ten seconds?”
“Maybe I didn't tell you I'm versatile?”
“I don't want to know.”
“Steve says—“
“I don't want to know!”
“Kody, I thought you loved me, man.”
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I opened and closed my mouth several times before finally falling back on an old standby. I stuck my tongue out at him.
We stopped twice inNew Jersey, and Nick ogled guys openly. I felt so embarrassed. I practically ran back to the car while Nick sauntered in bright daylight, big as life and twice as queer.
“Why did you do that?” I hissed at him once his door closed.
“Hey, if they didn't want to be looked at, they wouldn't dress like that.”
I pretended to drift off to sleep, but it wasn't until then that I realized the truth of Nick's statement earlier. Without his distracting chatter, I was dwelling on Jake. That meant dwelling on why he was home. That meant, had he gone back to Killian?
“Kody, check out the bridge. We're inDelawarefinally.” Nick played with the radio, flirted with the guy at the toll booth, but other than that all there was toDelawarewas me worrying what kind of reception I was going to get inMaryland.
“Welcome toSalisbury, Crossroads of Delmarva.” Nick had taken to reading signs.Aloud. Imean, every one of them, right down to the miles to the next town that had nothing to do with our destination.
At last, we parked in front of a neat peach colored ranch style house onCriswell Streetaround two-thirty. My palms were sweating. I steeled myself and walked resolutely up the walk. Jake was in there, and he was getting that ass whipping and hug that he so richly deserved. I grabbed the brass knocker on the front door and knocked before I lost my nerve. The sound echoed through the house, almost as if it were empty. I knocked again, impatiently.
If he thinks he's hiding from me after I spent six hours and forty one minutes in the car with Nick Pedersen, he has got another thing coming. I backed up and yelled at the house.
“Jake Sheridan, you open this door! I amnot going home with out speaking to you! Don't ignore me, I know you're here!” I stood staring at the house defiantly, daring him to remain mute while I raged on his
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front lawn.
“Hey, Einstein, he's not there.” Nick called out from the car.
“How do you know that?” Iasked, frustration clear in my voice.
“Because his house number is 1972.You're at 1973. Didn't you read the directions?” I glared at him malevolently while he sniggered. I should have driven myself.
I marched across the street, after a moment of looking around in confusion for the right house number. It was a modest white rancher, with lots of flowers in the front yard and a small wooden trellis with ivy at end of the sidewalk. I strode to the front door, rang the doorbell, and waited, shifting from foot to foot. I glanced at Nick who was leaning casually on the hood of the car, a smug look on his face. What he had to be pleased about, I'll never know.
The door opened, and I turned back to address either Jake or his mom, but instead I was shocked into silence. Standing in the doorway with an inquisitive expression was an attractive guy standing about my height with wavy blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. My worst fear had come true, for this could be none other than Killian at the door. I felt my heart shrink in my chest.
The guy was beautiful. No wonder Jake ran back to him. Who wouldn't? His blue eyes contrasted with his skin, a light golden brown from a fading summer tan.
“Can I help you?” he asked with an amused look.
“No,” I swallowed hard. “I guess not.” I turned and headed back for the car.
“Oh, no, you don't!” Nick yelled at me. I glared at him as I headed for the car.
“Kody?”
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I stopped and looked back over my shoulder with surprise.
“You areKody , right?”
I looked at him with curiosity. He smiled, a warm smile, an inviting smile.
“You look just like Jake described you. He was pretty descriptive, not to mention accurate. I hope you aren't leaving already?”
“I—I came for Jake.”
“Good. Somebody needs to.”
“But I thought—He came back to—Youaren't?” I had trouble forming the words. No problem with nasty thoughts, but words, now that was different. Saying them out loud gave them meaning, truth—power even.
“Aren't what?” he asked curiously.
“You're Killian, aren't you?”
“Yes, that's me. Jake mentioned me, huh?” That smile again.
“He said you were his first love. I thought he...came back to you.”
“Oh, no, you've got the wrong—"
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“Hi! I'm Nick,Kody's friend.” Nick was suddenly in front of me extending his hand to shake Killian's. For his part, Killian extended a bemused hand toward the hyper Nick.
“Nick,” I said in a tone of warning.
“Boy, what a drive! We're worn out, aren't we,Kody ? Are those contacts, `cause they're a real cool shade of blue.”
“Nick!” I barked at him. Nick jumped and turned to me with a guilty look. “I'll meet you in the car.”
“But it's hot and—“
“Nick, get—in—the—car.”
“Fine, don't get your panties in a wad.” He turned back to Killian as he walked away. “Well, it was nice to have met you. Maybe I'll see you again sometime?”
“Nick!”
“Okay, I'm going. You know you're a lot grouchier without Jake.”
I turned and faced Killian again. “Sorry about him.” I muttered.
“It's okay. Why don't you come in?”
I stepped into the small house. The living room was strategically arranged to provide the most space, though it was cluttered—not dirty, but cluttered. Magazines, coupons, and I think there was even a deck
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of Tarot cards sticking out from under a drift of newspapers. Killian waved me to a chair as he took a seat on the couch across from me.
"Just to clear things up, there's nothing between Jake and me. There almost was once, but that was a long time ago. We're just friends now."
“When he talks about you, it sounds like he's still in love.” My voice was barely above a whisper.
"I'm sure he does love me—and I love him—but we're not in love. There's a big difference. I'm pretty sure someone else has the market cornered where his heart is concerned." He gave me a warm smile.
“Is he—is Jake all right?”
“I think he'll live, especially now that you're here.”
“I need to see him.”
“I know.” Killian cocked his head to one side as a door opened down the hall, and then another opened and closed. Killian fixed me in his blue eyes, and I felt comforted by his gaze. “He's just getting out of the shower. His bedroom is the last door on the left. Why don't you go see how he is foryourself. It's why you came here, right?”
I stood slowly, on legs that were not as strong as they had been walking up to the front door. As I walked down the hall, the scene took on a surreal quality for me. Bits of steam wafted from the bathroom door, and the scent of a just finished shower clung in the air as I passed. When I reached the last door, there were no stars with the names Jacob and Foster written on them. It was just a plain wooden door, identical to the rest of the doors in the hallway.
I reached for the well used handle, and then stopped. Should I knock? Would he be mad if I barged in? Fearing I'd die of indecision, I turned the knob and opened the door.
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“Who was it?” Jake asked. He was standing in his boxer briefs, a tee shirt over his head as he hadn't finished dressing. He had his back turned to me, and my heart broke all over again for the indignities he'd suffered, and to those he inflicted upon himself. He wasn't close enough to touch, but he was close enough to bring me to the brink of tears.
“It was me,” I said softly. Jake's head popped through the top of the shirt suddenly as he spun around.
“Kody?”
“Yeah.Surprise.”I gave him a wan smile and tucked my hands in the pockets of my jeans. I wanted to speak. I had so much to say. But all my words, my recriminations, my heartfelt words of love failed me. The truth was I basked in his presence. I felt more at peace in this uneasy situation than I had since I found out about his past.
“I'm—Howdid you—”
“Erin. She, uh, helped. Nick too. He's in the car.”
“You drove all the way down here? I guess you must have something you need to say.” His eyes broke away from mine and looked down on his bed. His long arms dangled at his sides, his left hand toying with the end of his shirt nervously.
“I have a lot to say. I have a lot I need to say.” I chewed on my lower lip. “There's questions I have, things I need to hear.”
“What things?” Jake said so softly I almost imagined he hadn't spoken. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it.
“I'm hurt, Jake. You hurt me.”
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“Kody, I couldn't tell you. I just couldn't.” Jake's chest began to heave, small tremors that were the prelude to a coming storm.
“Jake,” I stepped away from the door and towards him. I crossed the space between us and took his right hand in my own. My heart beat faster just at the touch of his hand, and I felt encouraged when he gripped mine. I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb. “I'm hurt you didn't give me a chance, you didn't even talk to me.”
Tears fell from his eyes, shimmering pools that overflowed with emotions. "I was so afraid... I couldn't take it if you looked at me with disgust. I wouldn't blame you, but I couldn't take it either." He sniffed loudly as large tears rolled down his face. I ran a finger across his cheeks, wiping his tears away.
“I told you I wouldn't hurt you. You have no idea how happy you've made me. When I found out you were gone, the only thing I wanted to do was beat your ass.”
Jake barked a laugh between his tears, a rough sound.
“Jake, I was horrified at what I found out. I admit that.” Jake's hand pulled away from mine as he wrapped himself up in his arms.
“You don't want me anymore, do you? Why'd you drive all this way just to break up with me?”
“Jake, let me finish,” I replied as calmly as I could. I pried one of his hands back into my own and stared at his beautiful eyes until he stopped dropping his gaze.
“I was horrified that someone could see you for so much less than you really are. I was horrified that they could only appreciate your beautiful body and not care about your equally beautiful soul. I was hurting, but I was also jealous.”
“Jealous of what?”
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“That people touched you without caring, and I couldn't touch you in love.”
“But—what about—"
“Nothing else matters to me, Jake. You aren't who you were.” I took his other hand, and drew them both to my chest. “I'm here to get you back, Jake. I drove all this way to tell you I love you. I want to go on loving you, but I need you to be with me now. Here and now.”
“You...you love me?”
“I do.”
Chapter 19
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Jake"
He loves me.
My head was spinning. I still hadn't quite caught up, everything had happened so quickly. I came out of the shower andKody showed up in my bedroom to tell me he loved me. He'd driven all the way down here fromAlbanyto tell me he loved me. He didn't hate me. He wasn't disgusted. He loved me.
KodyKingsley loves me.
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I snapped back to reality to findKody watching me expectantly, hopefully. It was my turn. “I...I love you, too.”
A huge grin spread acrossKody's face. I couldn't believe this was really happening. I expected to wake up and discover it was all a dream. He drew me into a tight hug, and I never wanted him to let go. I wrapped my arms around him and held him just as tightly. I hadn't dared allow myself to believe this could happen. Now that it had, I was afraid to trust it. The other shoe had to drop eventually.
Kodypulled back slightly to see me better, his eyes serious. “So,” he said softly. “I guess that means we're in love with each other.” He stopped and waited for a response. I nodded slowly, unsure of where he was taking this. “So that means that from now on we have to be completely honest with each other. No more secrets, no more running away instead of talking, no more making decisions without the other person being involved. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“Good.” He stepped back,then suddenly punched me in the arm. I stumbled back and grabbed my arm in shocked disbelief.
“What was that for?”
“That was for leaving without talking to me and making me drive six hours and forty-one minutes trapped in a car with Nick.” He moved closer to me and trailed a finger down my cheek. “And this is for being you, and making my life so much better just by being a part of it.” He leaned in and softly pressed his lips against mine.
At first, I was too shocked by the punch to respond, but once his words registered, I quickly melted into his embrace, and soon we were kissing like we'd never stop. As we made out, he slowly pushed me back until I felt the bed behind my knees. He pushed me down, our lips never losing contact, and lowered himself onto me. His hands slid under my shirt, grazing gently across my skin and causing chills to ripple through my body. I hadn't felt like this in a long time. My mind flashed to the last person who had touched me like this and I almost panicked. I tried desperately to steer my mind away from those thoughts and focus solely on the man I loved, who was currently trailing his finger lightly around my nipple.
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Kodybroke our kiss long enough to murmur, “I've wanted to do this for so long.”
His hand brushed across my stomach and slid under the waistband of my boxers. I sat up so abruptly I almost knockedKody off the bed. I pushed myself up the bed until my back hit the headboard, and drew my knees to my chest.Kody stared at me as if I'd lost my mind.
“Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?” Concern and confusion filled his expression.
I shook my head no.
“Then what is it? Why won't you let me touch you? Is it because I don't know what I'm doing?”
“It's not that.Kody , please believe me. I do want to be with you.”
“Then be with me. Stop pulling away.” He slowly inched towards me, as if he was afraid to make any sudden moves.
“It's just...I'm scared.”
“Of what?”
“I—” I stopped and took a deep breath. No more secrets.Total honesty. “I've never been with someone I loved. All my memories of sex are with people who didn't really care about me. They were just using me. Whenever we start...getting intimate, all those negative feelings start up and it scares me. I don't want to have those feelings with you. It makes what we're doing feel...soiled, somehow.” I looked away, unable to lookKody in the face as I admitted this.
By now,Kody had reached my side, where he propped himself on his elbow. He reached over, gently turned my face back towards him, and looked deeply into my eyes. “Then don't you think it's time
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you started replacing those bad memories with some good ones?”
“I want to, but—”
“I'm not all those other guys, Jake. I'mKody . I love you. If we're going to be a couple, then you can't live in your past. You have to let go, forgive yourself, and move on—hopefully with me.”
I knew he was right. More than anything, I just wanted to take him my arms and pick up where we'd left off, but I was still scared.
Seeing my indecision, he gave me a warm smile. “Hey, we're both virgins in a way. You've never done it with someone you care about, and I've never done it at all, so it's a first for both of us. We'll be going through it together.” I relaxed a little, stretching my legs out. He snuggled in next to me and laid his head on my chest. “We don't even have to do anything if you don't want. I'm just happy being close to you.”
“I do want to,” I whispered. He looked up at me, and I kissed him softly on the lips. “Maybe if we just take things slowly, that might help.”
He nodded. “Slow works.” We kissed again, deeper this time. He pulled away and a mischievous smile lit up his face making my heart skip a beat. “So how slow is slow? And where do we start?”
I laughed. “We start here, just like we are now. I don't know where we go from there. I guess maybe we should just take it one thing at a time. You know, work our way up.”
He giggled. “You know, I've never done anything before. You have a lot to teach me, and I intend to be a very attentive student.” He rolled on top of me and brushed my lips with his. “Let's start with my first lesson.”
“What would your first lesson be?”
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He though a minute, then said, “Kissing.”
“Oh, trust me, you've mastered that.” A whole swarm of butterflies fluttered in my stomach, but it was time to start replacing the old memories with new. “I think you're ready for the next level.”
“You think?” I nodded, trying to hide how nervous I was.Kody gave me a trusting smile and rubbed his nose against mine. “Then if my teacher is ready, let the class begin.”
I quickly realized that this whole business of making new memories could turn out to be a lot of fun.
*** After the lesson—which he passed with flying colors—we talked for a while. He told me everything that had happened withBecca , about his trip to the hospital with Max, and then coming back to discover I had left. Then I told him about my mom's phone call, running intoBecca , and my panicked search for him. Eventually, we talked ourselves out andKody suddenly remembered that he'd left Nick in the car. We rushed out of my bedroom to find Killian had taken the situation in hand, and he and Nick were in the living room having a lively discussion about their favorite gay movie. Killian was arguing forBeautiful Thing while Nick advocatedThe Broken Hearts Club .
“It's the gaySteel Magnolias ,” Nick was insisting as we walked into the room. He broke off and looked us over with a smug smile. “It's about damn time,” he said with a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows. I tried to stop the blush I felt creeping up my cheeks, but it was hopeless. I was at least comforted to see thatKody was red too. Killian just gave me a wink.
“Thanks for drivingKody down here,” I said to Nick.
“Yeah, yeah.You both owe me big time. Now, since you guys have obviously worked everything out, when do we head back?”
“Head back?”Kody asked.“Already?” He slipped his hand possessively into mine. “But we just got here.”
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“I have classes tomorrow,Kode .”
“That's a lot of driving in one day,” Killian chipped in. I gave him a grateful look.
“Why don't you guys spend the night and head back in the morning?” I suggested. “I mean,are any of your classes tomorrow something you can't miss?”
He shrugged. “I guess I can miss them, but where are we going to stay. Here?”
“Uh, no offense or anything,”Kody inserted, “but I don't know if I'm ready to meet your mom.”
“You can stay at the bed and breakfast my dads run,” Killian offered. “I'm sure Steve won't mind letting you guys have a room. They're not booked right now.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “I hate to impose.”
Killian waved away my concern. “I'm sure it'll be fine. Let me call and check.” He pulled out his cell phone and walked into the kitchen to talk.
“So when do you think you'll be back at school?” Nick asked me.
I shrugged. “I don't know. As soon as possible I guess.”
“You want to drive back with us tomorrow?”
Kodygave me puppy dog eyes and I giggled. “I'll have to talk to Mom first, but maybe.”
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“And maybe you can stay with us tonight?”Kody added hopefully.
“Hey now, don't forget we're sharing a room,” Nick quickly jumped in.
Kodyrolled his eyes. “I think we can behave for one night, Nick.”
Nick leered at us. “I didn't say anything about behaving. Just be sure I'm included.”
“Hey! You have Steve.”
He pretended to pout.“Doesn't mean I can't have a little fun now and then.”
“It does to me,”Kody said with finality.
“Every couple is different, you know. Everyone has to decide for themselves what they're comfortable with.”
“So you and Steve have an open relationship?” I asked, curious.
Nick shrugged. “I wouldn't say open, maybe just semi-open.”
“What does that mean?”Kody asked, but before Nick could answer, Killian rejoined us.
“Steve said any friends of Jake's are more than welcome, and if you want separate rooms, it's not a problem. This isn't a busy time of year.”
“We want separate rooms,”Kody said quickly, then added to me, “You will stay with me tonight,
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right?”
“We'll see. I need to talk to Mom about all this before I start making plans.”
He nodded, trying to hide a pout. “I understand.”
I sighed. It was obvious he didn't understand.
Nick stood up. “So, are we ready then?”
Kodylooked to me. “I guess so,” I said. “Let me leave a note for Mom and I'll drive over with you—that is, if Killian can bring me back later.” Killian nodded, and I scribbled a few quick lines to Mom, then we filed out of the house.
“Whose car did you bring?” I asked when I saw the older-model Mazda Nick was headed for.
“Toshi's,”Kody said.
“Toshihas a car? But he's a freshman!”
“Shh!”Kody giggled.
“You guys can just follow me,” Killian said.
Kodyand I tumbled into the back seat of the car, still giggling and holding hands. “Why do I feel like a chauffeur on prom night?” Nick grumbled as he slid behind the wheel.
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“Home,Jeeves ,”Kody snorted.
“I could make you walk, you know.” He followed Killian's car as we drove into the country.Kody and I were busy staring into each other's eyes, but after a few minutes, Nick interrupted. “Maryland's a lot flatter than I expected.”
“It's not this flat everywhere, just here on theEastern Shore.”
“The eastern shore of what?”
“TheEastern Shoreis the entire peninsula on the eastern side of theChesapeake Bay.”
“Oh. I see. So what's here?”
“Not much, really.A lot of chickens.Some corn fields. There'sOceanCity. That's like a beach resort.”
Nick's eyes lit up.“A beach? Maybe we should stay an extra day or two.”
“I thought you were worried about classes,”Kody said. “Besides, isn't it a little chilly for the beach?”
“I guess,” Nick conceded with a sigh.
“You can come back this summer,” I suggested.
“Me too?”Kodyasked.
“You'd better.” I leaned over and kissed him.
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“Hey! There'll be none of that in my car,” Nick yelled.
“It's not your car,”Kody reminded him.
“Don't make me pull this car over!”
We all busted up laughing. A few minutes later, we arrived at the bed and breakfast. Nick andKody gawked, making me realize once again what an impressive placeAmalie's House was. The building was originally a plantation manor, built in the pre-Civil War era and designed for entertaining lavishly. Itrose three stories above a well-manicured lawn, and elaborate gingerbread trim graced every possible surface. Steve and Adam, Killian's dads, had named the B&B after the original lady of the house, who'd out-stayed her welcome by a hundred and fifty years. She was gone now, but her portrait still hung in the front foyer.
We followed Killian inside, where we found Steve, a tall, dark-haired man in his mid-forties, talking to an older woman with a large hooked nose. When Steve noticed us, he said something to her and quickly walked towards us. The woman stared after him for a second,then went up the stairs.
“Thanks, guys,” Steve said after glancing over his shoulder to make sure she was gone. “You saved my butt. All she's done iscomplain since she got here.” He rolled his eyes and we chuckled.“Hi, Jake. It's good to see you.”
“Hi, Steve.This is my friend Nick and my boyfriendKody .”Kody blushed at my introduction, but shook Steve's hand with a proud smile.
We made small talk for a few more minutes,then Steve showed us up to the rooms. Nick's room was decorated in dark blues with cream highlights and antique golden oak furniture;Kody's room was layered in rich burgundy velvet with complimentary walnut furnishings.Kody's eyes grew wide as he took in his room and Steve smiled at his reaction.
“Are all the rooms this nice?”Kody asked in awe.
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“I like to think so. We tried to make them all special.”
“You succeeded with this room anyway.”
“At least someone is satisfied.” He laughed and left us alone in the room. Nick went back to his room, and soon after Killian excused himself, saying he was going to make sure Nick didn't need anything, but it was obvious he was just trying to giveKody and me time alone. Not that we minded.
Kodywrapped his arms around me in a hug as soon as we were alone. “You have to stay here with me tonight,” he said, his voice muffled by my chest. “Look how big that bed is.”
I laughed and squeezed him tight. “I'll do my best.”
“No, you have to stay here. This old place is probably haunted.”
“Actually, it used to be, but it's not anymore.”
Kodypulled away and gave me a wary look, as if he wasn't sure if I was kidding him or not. “Are you joking?”
“Nope.There really was a ghost here when Steve bought the place. She's gone now.”
“Okay. That settles it. You're spending the night.” He pulled me close again and held on as if he had no plans to let go again.
“I told you she's gone,” I said laughing.
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“I don't care. She might decide to come back.”
“I can tell you the whole story if you want.”
“Not now. Maybe later tonight, after we're settled in bed, under the covers.”
I laughed again. “You're so cute.”
“Yeah, yeah.You won't think I'm so cute if I have to hit you again.”
“Hey, that hurt!” I stepped away and pretended to pout.
“Good, it was supposed to. Just be glad I didn't kick your ass like I'd planned.”
“Oh, you think you could kick my ass, huh?” I teased.
“As mad as I was earlier, I know I could have.” He raised one eyebrow challengingly, as his lips twitched and he tried not to smile.
“Oh really?”I leaped forward and grabbed him around the waist, hoisting him into the air over my shoulder. He squealed and beat his fists against my back between giggles.
Someone knocked at the door and we froze. I quickly set him down on his feet and pulled open the door to find a frowning Nick.
“I hope you two won't be that noisy all night,” he said, then broke into a wide grin. “`Causeif you are I might come a-knocking again.”
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“Try earplugs,”Kody said dryly as he walked over and shut the door in his face,then collapsed into a fit of giggles. There was another knock on the door. “Don't answer it,” he gasped. “It's probably just Nick again.”
I opened the door anyway and found Killian this time. “Hey, I hate to rush you, but I just got a call from Novak. Is it okay if I drive you home now?”
Out of the corner of my eye I sawKody's face fall. “Yeah, sure,” I said to Killian,then turned toKody . “I'll be back after I talk to Mom.”
“Promise?” he asked plaintively.
“Promise.”I gave him a quick kiss, hoping I would be able to keep that promise. Then I followed Killian downstairs and out to his car.
“You guys seem to have worked out your problems pretty quickly,” he said as I buckled my seatbelt.
I shrugged. “I'm sure we still have a lot to work out, but we're making progress.” I felt a smile spread across my face. “I can't even begin to tell you how great it feels not to have any secrets between us now. He knows everything about me and hestill loves me.”
He laughed. “Of course he does. You're quite loveable.”
My grin grew even wider. “As long as he thinks so, that's all that matters. I still can't believe he came all the way down here after me.”
“That's so romantic. Of course, it would have been easier on Nick and your Mom if you could have just waited to talk to him before you ran off.”
My grin faded as I thought about Mom. Would she be mad or relieved that I wanted to go back to
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school already?
Killian glanced over at me. “What are you thinking about?”
“Mom.”
“What about her?”
“What if she's pissed that I want to go back with Nick andKody tomorrow?”
“Pissed that you've decided to go back to college and you're sparing her a six-hour drive? I think she'll be thrilled.”
“Yeah, but she did just drive all the way up there to get me then all the way home just last night.”
“True. I guess you'll have to wait and see.”
I brooded over her reaction for a few minutes,then decided I needed a distraction. “So how come Novak called you into the office? Is it a case you're working on?”
He launched into a run-down of his current case. He was vague because of confidentiality issues, but it was still fascinating. Soon, we arrived back at my house, where Mom's car sat in the driveway.
Killian turned to me and caught my wrist as I moved to open the door.“Jake, one more thing. Obviously I don't knowKody very well, but it's equally obvious that you guys really love each other. Do yourself a favor and stop living behind a mask.”
“What do you mean?”
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“You've been hurt so many times that you've been afraid to let him see the real you. You've worn a mask, but you've taken it off for now. Just be sure you don't slip back into it. James Baldwin has a quote that I love and really fits your situation. `Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.'”
I smiled and leaned forward to give him a hug. “Don't worry. That mask was broken into a million pieces. It's never going back on.” I sat back. “Thanks for always being there for me. I feel like I owe you so much.”
“You don't owe me anything. Just...be happy withKody .”
“I plan on it.”
We hugged once more,then I got out of the car. I turned, blew Killian a kiss, and shut the door. It was time to face my mother. “Wish me luck,” I mumbled under my breath as I stalked towards the door.
“Mom?”I called as I stepped inside.
“I'm in the kitchen,” she replied.
I walked into the kitchen and was surprised to find Mom sweating over the stove. She was a good cook when she got around to it, which wasn't often. “Hey. What're you making?”
She looked up and wiped her forehead with the back of her hand, leaving a smudge of tomato sauce. “Stuffed peppers. WillKody and his friend be joining us for dinner?”
“Um, no.They're at the B&B.”
She frowned. “Why didn't they just stay here?”
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“Well, uh...”
She smiled suddenly. “Kodyisn't quite ready to meet the boyfriend's crazy mother?”
I laughed. “He doesn't think you're crazy. He's just nervous. We haven't even been dating that long and we just had a pretty messy episode.”
“Had?As in past tense? I take it you boys worked things out?”
“Yeah.More or less.We talked for a while this afternoon.”
“He must care a lot about you to chase you all the way down here.”
I practically glowed at her words.“Yeah. He told me he loves me.”
She smiled approvingly and turned back to dinner. “Great. So I guess you'll be returning to school soon.”
“Nick offered to drive me back up with them tomorrow morning,” I offered tentatively.
She nodded briskly. “Fantastic. That will save me a trip.”
“You don't mind?Even though you just drove up there to get me last night?”
She looked up at me again, and her expression turned serious. “No. I don't mind. What happened was what had to happen. I think you both needed this to realize what you mean to each other. Now that
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you know, you can get back to school and stop wasting all that money I'm paying for tuition.” She winked to show me she was just teasing with that last part.
I walked over and gave her a hug from behind. “Thanks, Mom. You're the greatest.”
“I know,” she said lightly. “Now what else do you have to ask me?”
I rolled my eyes and released her. You could never get anything over on my mother. “Kodywants me to stay with him at the B&B tonight.”
She scrunched up her face and pretended to think about it, then shook her head sadly. “Fine, go ahead and desert your dear old mother on your one night home. And just after you said I was the greatest too!”
“Mom!”
She broke into a grin. “Of course you can go. Just have dinner with me first. Can you give me that at least?”
“Of course.I wouldn't miss your stuffed peppers anyway. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Sure is. Check those peppers to see if they're tender yet.”
*** After dinner, Mom drove me over to the B&B. I only took enough clothes for the night. We'd have to stop back by the house to get all my stuff when we left in the morning.
“Now remember,” I said before getting out of the car, “You promised you won't be home when I come to get my stuff in the morning. No hiding in the closet or anything.”
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“Yes, yes. I get it. You're embarrassed by your mother.”
“I am not! You know that's not it.”
She laughed. “Iknow, kiddo. Don't worry. I'll respectKody's wishes until he's worked up the nerve to meet me.”
I laughed too. “Thanks, Mom.”
When I walked into the B&B there was no one around. I went up toKody's room and knocked on the door, but there was no answer. It was the same thing at Nick's room. I wandered back downstairs and into the kitchen, where I finally found Steve. He was sitting at a small table in the corner of the room, a messy pile of paperwork spread out in front of him.
“Hey Jake,” he said, looking up from his work. “I didn't hear you. I guess I was too caught up in my accounting.” He made a sour face and I chuckled.
“Hey Steve.That's okay. I just got back. Do you know whereKody and Nick went?”
“I think they took a walk around the yard. You might try out back.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem.Oh, and Jake?” I turned back. “Kodyis adorable.”
I blushed and grinned. “Yeah, I think so too.”
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“He seems like a really nice boy too. I think you've chosen wisely. Hang on to him.”
My grin grew wider. “Don't worry. I don't intend to let him get away.”
Steve winked at me,then turned back to his work.
I walked outside, thinking aboutKody and how glad I was that he'd come after me. Now that I knew he loved me and that he wanted to be with me despite my past, I couldn't imagine living without him. How had I ever thought I could just walk away from him?
I heard voices out in the small copse of trees in the back yard and headed in that direction. I found Nick andKody in the small park-like area Steve and Adam had created around the old family graveyard in the woods. A stone bench sat facing an angel statue, and they'd planted flowers all around. Nick was kneeling next to one of the headstones, whileKody sat on the bench, his arms wrapped around his slim body in an effort to keep himself warm in the cool fall air.
As I got closer, I could see that the headstone was forAmalie Marnier, the woman for whom the house was named.
“She died so young,” Nick was saying. “I wonder what happened.”
“Her husband killed her,” I said, causing them both to jump. Nick fell backwards onto his bottom. Kody giggled nervously.
“Hey,” he said, jumping up off the bench and running to meet me. “I didn't expect you back so soon.”
“Mom and I had dinner,then she brought me over. Steve told me you guys were back here.” I gave him a quick kiss.
“Did her husband really kill her?” Nick asked, still studying the worn words carved into the stone.
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“Yeah.”
“Did they catch him?”
“Nope.No one ever knew.”
“Then how do you know?”
“She told us. Well, she told Killian.”
“Huh?”Kodyasked, his eyes wide.
“It's a long story, but the short version is she haunted the house for a while, but she doesn't anymore.”
“That's what you were talking about earlier?”Kody asked.
“Yeah.”
“Did people see her and everything?” Nick asked excitedly.
“Yeah.”
“That's really freaky,”Kody said. “I don't know if I want to sleep here now.”
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I slipped my arms aroundKody . “I'll be here to protect you—not that you'll need protection. She's gone now. You don't have anything to worry about.”
“Maybe she'd come back if we held a séance.” Nick sounded quite eager.
“No way,”Kody said firmly. “Let's go back up to the house. It's creepy out here now that it's getting dark.”
“Oh come on,” Nick begged. “It would be fun!”
“I agree withKody . No séance. Besides, the ghost was hurting Steve's business before she left. We wouldn't want to do anything to bring her back, assuming we even could.”
I slid my hand intoKody's and we started walking back towards the house, Nick trailing along behind us, pouting.
We went to Nick's room for a while, just talking and hanging out. Nick tried to talk us into a séance again, but once more, we shot him down. Finally, I suggested we get some sleep since we had to get up fairly early in the morning to pack all my stuff intoToshi's car and drive all the way back to Albany.
Kodyand I went to his room, but once there, a sudden awkwardness came over us. This would be the first time we'd ever spent the night together, and neither of us was sure what the other expected. After a few seconds of silence, we both started speaking at the same time.
“Look, Jake—”
“Kody, I—”
We giggled.
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“Go ahead,” he said.
“No, you go first.”
He sighed.“Fine. I was just going to say that I know we're taking it slow, so if you don't want to do anything but sleep tonight, I'm cool with that.”
I thought about it for a few seconds,then gave him a shy smile. “Let's just let whatever happens happen, okay? I'm not promising I won't freak out if something does happen, but...let's not worry about that.”
He came over and gave me a hug,then we silently undressed and slipped into the bed. We cuddled together without saying a word. I think he could feel the nervous tension in my body, because he didn't try to do anything. We just lay in each others arms for a while,Kody's hands softly moving up and down my back sending tingles across my skin.
“Thank you for coming after me,” I said finally.
It was too dark to distinguish his face, but I could sense his smile even if I couldn't see it. “It was my pleasure. Just being held by you like this—it was worth the six hours in the car with Nick.”
I laughed. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” He moved closer and pressed his lips against mine. I pulled him against me and soon we were making out.
I woke up abruptly the next morning to the sound of someone pounding at the door. “Wake up,” Nick called.
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“Be quiet,” I barked back. “You'll wake up the whole house.”
The banging stopped and I turned my head to findKody staring back at me, a contented smile on his face. “Can I wake up like this every morning for the rest of my life?” he asked softly.
“With Nick beating your door down?”
“No, with you by my side.”
My heart melted as I leaned in for a good morning kiss—screw morningbreath .
Nick didn't give us long, however, before he was back knocking at the door again.
“We might as well get up,” I said with a sigh.
“I already am,”Kody said with a giggled. I burst out laughing as an adorable blush crept up his cheeks.
I leftKody under the covers and went to the door to assure Nick that we were awake and we'd be out shortly. Then we took turns taking quick showers, gotdressed, and joined Nick downstairs for a continental breakfast courtesy of Steve.
Once we'd all had something to eat, we drove over to my house. True to her word, Mom's car was gone. I let us in the house using my key, and the three of us loaded upToshi's car. Once we were finished, we realized that there was only room for one person in the backseat.Kody and I stared at each other in horror as we realized that we'd be separated for the duration of the trip.
“Oh, for God's sake.Give me a break,” Nick groaned. “You too are so sickeningly sweet I'm getting a cavity. Move some stuff up front and you two can both sit in the back seat.”
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“Or I could drive and you could sit in the back,” I offered.
Nick pondered that for half a second.“No way, Jose. We'd never make it back to school with you two making moony faces at each other. You'd crash the car. Move your shit up front. I'm driving and that's final.”
We shifted the stuff around, climbed in, and we were off. The trip itself wasn't that bad. In fact, it seemed to fly by. Then again,Kody and I were pretty caught up in each other, cuddling and kissing for pretty much the whole trip. Nick kept threatening to barf all over us if we didn't stop, but it was out of our control.
We rolled onto campus in the early afternoon. Seeing the school again made my stomach clench up a little. I knew I'd have to deal withBecca at some point, a prospect I was not looking forward to. I was, however, looking forward to seeing all my friends again. I was surprised to realize how much I had missed Erin, Roy, Carlos,Toshi , and Miranda.
The car had barely stopped rolling whenErinburst out of the dorm, vaulted over a bench, and skidded to a stop next to the vehicle.
“You could have called somebody,” she accused indignantly as we got out. Then, before I could answer, she threw her arms around my neck and whispered fiercely, “Welcome back.” Chapter 20
Breaking Masks JoshAterovis and DaveDabeagle © 2004 "Jake"
The Epilogue
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Word spread quickly. In a shockingly short time, the whole gang had assembled, forming an impromptu welcoming party outside the dorm.Roywas the last toarrive, racing across the courtyard at a pace I hadn't known his bulk capable of attaining. He slammed into me full-force, and I was pretty certain he'd cracked a few ribs and possibly knocked some teeth loose. He swept me off my feet and swung me around in a grip that finished off the few ribs I had left intact. He dropped me to my feet with a toothy grin and ruffled my hair affectionately.
“Welcome home, Jake,” he said merrily.
“Thanks,Roy. After that greeting, I may need to go to the hospital for some x-rays.”
Roygave me a concerned look. “Why? Did I squeeze you too hard?”
I laughed and hugged him. It was good to be back.
“How `bout if we get all my crap out ofToshi's car so he can spirit it away to its hiding place,” I suggested, and everyone quickly fell into unloading his car and carting my belongings upstairs to my room. I ran ahead to open the door, which is where my big welcome back celebration ended.
When I opened the door, Foster glared at me in indignant disbelief. “I thought you left,” he said accusingly.
“I did. Now I'm back.”
“Fuck!”
“Yeah, I missed you too.”
I looked around and saw he'd already spread his junk all over my half of the room. I frowned. “You
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need to move your stuff.”
“You move it,” he growled just asRoycame up behind carrying a large box.
“No, you move it,”Royrumbled threateningly.
Foster's head snapped up. His expression darkened, but he got up off his bed and resentfully cleared his stuff from my side. Apparently, he remembered his last run-in withRoy—or more specifically,Roy's fist.Roysat his load down on my bed and left to get another load. I followed after him, but we met a caravan of friends carrying the rest of my stuff coming up as we started down. We piled everything on my side of the room, and I eyed it with dread as my stomach grumbled.
“I'll unpack it all later,” I announced. “I'm too hungry right now.”
“Let's all head down to the Coop,”Erinsuggested.
“We can make it a welcome home party,” Miranda added brightly.
“I'm always up for a party,” Alex said with a contented smile.
As walked across campus to the Coop everyone chattered excitedly. Their delight in having me back was palpable, wrapping around me like a hug. I felt a warm glow inside my chest that, for a moment, I thought might overflow into tears. A hand slipped into mine and I looked over to findKody watching me with a huge smile.
“What?”
He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “I love you.”
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“I love you too. Thank you for coming after me.”
“My pleasure,” he said with a wink.
I squeezed his hand then released it. “Hang on a sec. There's someone else I need to thank.” I hurried to catch up withToshi . “Hey.”
Toshilooked over and gave me a shy grin. “It's good to have you back.”
“It's good to be back. I guess I have you to thank for that.”
He made a face. “I thinkKody gets some of the credit.”
I laughed. “Yeah, but he couldn't have done it without your car. Thanks for letting him and Nick use it.”
“You're welcome. I really am glad you came back. You guys make a great couple.”
“Thanks.” I felt a warm glow at his words.
“Now, if only I could find somebody. You've gotKody , Nick has Steve,Erinhas Carlos, and even Royhas been talking to that girl Jen.” He threw an arm across his eyes dramatically. “I'm all alone in the world.”
Miranda, who had been walking in front of us, stopped and turned around. “Hey, I'm single too. Maybe we should date,Toshi .” Everyone else stopped to catchToshi's response.
Toshimade a show of looking her up and down. “Sorry, babe, but you're just not my type.”
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Miranda cocked a hip and raised an eyebrow. “What? You're not down with the brown?”
“I don't give a damn about the color of your skin,” he said with a grin, “you've just got the wrong equipment.”
“Obviously you've never heard of a strap-on,” Miranda said with a suggestive leer. Everyone burst into laughter atToshi's startled expression.
Kodysidled up next to me, and his hand found its way into mine once again. We walked into the Coop, still hand-in-hand. Everyone piled in around us as we looked for a couple empty tables we could move together to accommodate our sizeable group. As I scanned the room, my eyes fell on someone I would have just as soon never seen again.Becca sat at a booth facing the doors. The expression on her face was pure hate as she stared at me andKody . My hand tightened onKody's and he quickly followed my gaze.
“Ignore her,” he said softly.
“She almost broke us up.”
“But she didn't, so forget about her.”
I nodded. He was right. I broke our eye contact just as Carlos said, “There's a couple tables.” He, Nick, and Roy quickly moved across the room to the corner where the two tables had just opened up.
“I'll go put an order in for a couple pizzas,”Toshi said and headed for the counter.
I turned to go to the table Roy, Nick and Carlos were preparing and found myself face to face with Becca . She was going to make ignoring her as difficult as possible.
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Kody'shand gripped mine tightly as I moved to step around her. She placed a hand in my chest.
“Don't touch me,” I said through clenched teeth.
She ran a finger down my chest and I smacked her hand away. Her eyes flashed.
“Your little plan to break us up didn't work,”Kody said evenly. “So why don't you just get lost and leave us alone.”
Becca'seyes never left mine. “It's just a matter of time,” she said loudly. Several people sitting nearby turned to see what was going on as she continued. “Everyone knows faggots can't stay together. Besides, he was a whore, and once a whore always a whore.”
My hand itched to smack the smug expression off her face, but I restrained myself with great effort. I tried to think of a suitable comeback, but my brain was completely blank. The hammering of my heart drowned out coherent thoughts.
“You don't know anything about Jake,”Kody said, coming to my defense. I was amazed at how calm he was.
“I know he's a dirty little faggot, just like you—and I know faggots burn in hell. I hope you both die of AIDS.”
My hand flew up of its own accord to strike the bitch, butKody tugged me sharply aside. “She's not worth it,” he said and started pulling me towards the corner where the guys were watching us with horrified shock. Pretty much the entire place was now watching the drama unfolding before them like a live soap opera.
I couldn't resist looking back atBecca , and saw her start to follow us, but Erin and Miranda quickly stepped in front of her. I yankedKody to a stop. This was one showdown I had to see.
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“You've said and done enough,”Erinsaid in a dangerously low voice. “Get lost and stay away from them.”
“Or what?”Beccaspat. “You think I'm afraid of you? You're just a pathetic, ugly fag hag who can't get her own man so she has to hang out with faggots.”
Carlos made a move towards his girlfriend, but then thought better of it. We all knewErinwas more than capable of taking care of herself.
“For your information,” Miranda chimed in, “she has a man, which is more than yourskanky ass can say. You're the pathetic one, chasing after someone who obviously isn't interested in you and then attacking them for no reason when they find someone else to be happy with.”
“Who asked the token black girl?”
Erinraised her hand to hitBecca , but Miranda caught her wrist. “You're an RA. You can't hit her.” She released Erin, then quickly backhandedBecca across the face. “But I can,” she added with satisfaction asBecca head snapped back.
“You fuckingcunt !”Becca seethed.
“Look, you little twat tassel, you can call me whatever you want,” Miranda shot back and several people giggled, “but the truth is everybody here knows exactly what you are—a no-good piece of trash that somehow thinks the world owes you because you're rich and pretty. Well guess what, honey? The real youshines through quite clearly, and no matter what you look like on the outside, you're ugly.”
Beccareared back and spat in Miranda's face, but before Miranda could react,Erinpulled back her fist and plowed it right intoBecca's nose.Becca stumbled back with an enraged scream and both hands over her nose. She pulled her hands away to find blood.
“I'm going to press charges,” she screeched. “I'll have you removed as an RA. I'll have you kicked out of the whole damn school.”
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“I didn't touch you,”Erinreplied calmly.
Beccaactually stopped screaming and stared atErinin surprise. “I have a room full of witnesses. You can't deny it!”
Erinturned to Alex who was staring atBecca as if trying to figure out why she was bleeding all over the floor. “Did you see anything?” she asked.
“Nope.What happened?” Alex said.
“I didn't see anything either,” someone piped up from a nearby table.
“Me either,” someone else said.
“I think she ran into the door,” I heard Carlos say from behind me.“Clumsy bitch.”
“Did anyone see anything?” Miranda asked, wiping the last ofBecca's spittle from her face with a napkin someone had handed her.
“No,” everyone in the room roared in unison.
ErinfacedBecca with a look of grim satisfaction. “You should really be more careful,” she said warningly. Her words obviously carried a double meaning. “Stay away from my friends.”
Beccasputtered for a few more seconds, then turned suddenly on her heel and ran from the room. A round of applause rippled through the room.
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“No, really,” Alex said after a few moments of silence. “What happened?”
Everyone in the room started laughing and the mood was broken.Erinturned toKody and me with a grin. “Well, we provided the evening's entertainment. Dinner is on you two.”
We finally sat down around the two tables the boys had pushed together,Kody sitting in my lap.
“Damn, babe,” Carlos said with a note of awe in his voice. “I knew you could take care of yourself, but that was some punch.”
Erinrubbed her fist. “Growing up with three older brothers had some advantages.”
“Yeah, you just had to show me up,” Miranda said. “I only backhanded her, you had to go and throw a punch. And I'm the one who has to go and get shots now. The bitch spit on me!”
“I'm really sorry, guys,” I said suddenly.
Everyone includingKody spun to look at me. “Sorry for what?”Royasked.
“That all of you got dragged into this. This was between me andBecca and it ended up involving everyone I care about.”
“Oh please,” Miranda said dismissively.
“Jake, we're your friends,”Erinsaid. “We didn't get dragged into anything. We got involved because we love you and friends look out for each other. Trust me, it was my pleasure. I've wanted to hit her for a long time now.”
I looked around the table, making eye contact with each and every person. Each looked steadily
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back and nodded in agreement with whatErinhad said. I felt tears pricking behind my eyes. These were my true friends. They really did care about me. Enough to stand up for me, enough to drive over three-hundred miles to bring me back.
Kodysnuggled into me, reminding me of my best friend of all. I still couldn't believe I was lucky enough to have someone like him love me. After all we'd been through I knew we'd be able to face anything together.
I felt the tears spill over as I squeezedKody tight and bent my head to give him a soft kiss. I looked up to find everyone watching us with contented smiles.
“Thanks guys. Thanks for everything.”