Blinded by You

Blinded by You Penelope Rivers Copyright © November 2011, Penelope Rivers Cover art designed by © Mina Carter November 2011 ISBN: 978-1-937394-19-6 This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this novel are fictitious or used fictitiously. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof, in any form. Amira Press Charlotte, NC www.amirapress.com

Wxw|vtà|ÉÇ For my friends, who remind me to laugh.

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter One Evan Williams had never known color. Instead, he had been born into a world of all black. If someone asked him what he dreamed about, then he would tell them this: “I dream about what I know. I hear noises, taste food, and feel touches.” To this, they would usually let out exasperated sighs as if he were missing out on some great picture. Evan, though, never felt like he was missing out because he had never known sight. That was why it was ironic that Evan was talking to a group of kids who had been blinded by serious accidents. “There is life after blindness,” Evan chanted in a deaf and blind school called Saint Maria’s. “Trust me, you can learn to live again.” This was his usual seminar that he gave people. Evan thought it was inappropriate that so many trusted him with this speaking duty—he had been born blind and hadn’t known the feeling of utter loss that these kids must feel. Still, he did what he had to do to make money, and if they wanted him to speak about loss and blindness, then that was exactly what Evan would do. “Do you have any questions?” Evan asked his class of students before him. He had been told that his students were all fourth-to-sixth-grade level and that there were around fifteen of them. “Naturally, please don’t bother to raise your hands.” Some of the students, the ones who still had their sense of humor intact, chuckled. Evan had no trouble joking about his “little problem.” In fact, it was a great hit at parties. Sometimes, he would deliberately trip into men with attractive voices to get a closer “look.” To him, this actually meant copping a feel. A female voice squeaked, “Sir, how do you handle working an ordinary job with your condition. I . . . I . . . I’ve always wanted to be a doctor, but then last year I had an accident, and now I can’t see anything. I wouldn’t be able to see my patients to help them. I just don’t know what to do.” “There have been blind painters and writers, some of which were the most famous in the world,” he responded. “Artists rely greatly on their sight. 1

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

If they can do it, then why can’t you become a doctor? Don’t you worry. Soon, your other senses will begin to take over the lost one. It won’t ever completely be the same, but if you believe, then you can be anything. Next question.” The queries came and went. At every seminar, all of the children wanted to know the same thing: will it ever be the same? He couldn’t tell them the truth. No matter how much they wanted it, a blind person was still a blind person. People looked at him differently when they realized that he couldn’t see. Even with being born blind, he could tell that much. The kids might even lose friends over it. It was a sad, hard truth that they were too young to learn. After he had finished, he waved at the crowd—or at least in their general direction—as he heard the sound of clapping. He felt around for a moment, using all of his remaining senses to find the end of the wooden stage, and headed down the stairs. At the end of it, he met the arm of his assistant, Jane Lynn. She needn’t have bothered. He could have wandered all around the city with the aid of his seeing-eye dog, Nickel. His father, though, would never have allowed it. Even though Evan was twenty-eight, his father still behaved as though Evan were bouncing off of the walls in his blindness. It didn’t help that he was an only child. “How did I do?” he said. “Think I blinded them with my stunning performance?” Jane pinched his arm and cleared her throat in annoyance. “You and your awful jokes. How can you say that about a health condition?” “Easy,” Evan said. “I’ve got a billion of them. Want to hear some more?” Jane squeezed his arm again. “Stop it. I’m pregnant. If you make me laugh, then I’m going to pee all over myself. I swear that my baby is kicking my bladder on purpose.” Jane had been his assistant for the past twelve years, since he had been in high school. Now, she was thirty-six and expecting her first baby. It was unfortunate, but every day that she was closer to delivery, the sooner he would be losing his assistant. Though Evan didn’t think that he needed any help, he had to admit that he would miss her company. She was a great 2

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

friend on dull business trips. As they pushed their way out one door and into a hallway, Evan snuck a feel of her baby bump and rubbed it. He envied her. Though he loved children, chances were high that he wouldn’t have any of his own. After all, he was gay, and as a blind person, he had a very hard time finding lovers at all, let alone a lifetime partner who would be willing to adopt a baby with him. Men, he guessed, were intimidated by his blindness. They thought he might grow needy or could not fend for himself, even though he had had a good job for the past six years. There had never been a day that he couldn’t dress or feed himself. He was just like any other guy, except that he was one who couldn’t see. It wasn’t like his penis was defective. Now that would be a real physical ailment. “Okay,” Jane murmured as she moved against his arm and her baby bump rubbed against his side, “Dean wants to meet with you when we get back from Charleston. Some sort of lunch. Can you make it?” Dean had been his best friend in college. Unlike most guys, Dean rarely took pity on him, which Evan liked. The two of them had even wrestled and played basketball. Lately, though, Dean had been preoccupied because his parents had passed on, leaving his kid brother of only twenty-one on his hands. Apparently, though the boy was old enough to handle himself, he was wild and needed guidance. Dean was determined to be the one to give it to him. “Of course I want to meet Dean,” he replied. “What are you, blind?” “Enough with the blind jokes,” Jane said. “They get old after the hundredth time.” “Okay, okay,” he said, grinning. “But seriously, tell Dean that I’ll meet him, but only if we go to Murray’s. He owes me. I loaned him money.” “Got you,” Jane replied. For a moment she paused, making him worry that she was about to go into labor. She scared him a lot. “Okay, Thursday at two o’clock.” They had a big airline trip, and the last thing that Evan wanted was for Jane to go into labor in the middle of the flight. He wasn’t sure what airline 3

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

procedures were regarding that, but he was certain that it wouldn’t be pretty. If the airline people couldn’t deliver his baggage, then how could they hope to deliver a baby? The two of them continued to head forward until the sunlight hit his face, and he smiled, enjoying the heat. It was going to be a good day. **** Jane was talking into the phone loudly, saying, “Yeah, honey, I miss you too. Yeah, one more day. Uh-huh. I know—unh! Ugh . . .” The two of them had been sitting inside Evan’s hotel room, and Jane had been talking to her husband on the phone. Suddenly, he heard the pain in her voice, and he sat up, wishing that he could see her face to know whether she was joking or not. He had been told that expressions could tell all. Evan didn’t know about that, but he did know tone, and her tone was not good. “You think my blind jokes are bad,” Evan said sharply. “Jane, you better not be kidding right now. Jane?” On the other end of the line, Evan could hear Jane’s husband’s voice echoing his own: “Jane! Jane, baby! Are you all right?” Evan stumbled forward, tripping over a chair that Jane must have moved, and fell straight into her lap inadvertently. It was the first time in over three years that his blindness had caused such a bad move. He felt Jane’s arms, making sure that he hadn’t hurt her, as she panted in her pain. He groped for the phone that had fallen from Jane’s hand when he had fallen on her. “Frank?” Evan said sharply. “This is Evan.” “My wife!” Frank yelped into the phone. “What’s wrong with my Jane?” “Your Jane is in labor!” Evan cried desperately. “I suggest that you catch the next flight to Charleston and hope that the labor is a long one.” As if in response to Evan’s words, Jane stopped panting momentarily and shuddered as the contraction ended. Evan felt her shaking, and he grew even more frightened for her. What was he supposed to do? Call an ambulance? He guessed that was best. It wasn’t like he could drive her to the 4

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

hospital, and he didn’t want her to drop dead on the sidewalk. When Evan tried to sit up, he heard Jane gasp as liquid soaked through his slippers. She seemed to be fine, though, as she had begun to talk to her husband on the phone yet again. This made Evan respect women more than ever. She had been in such pain only moments before, but now she was the one calming Frank down. “Honey, come as soon as you can,” Jane said. “Evan won’t let anything happen to me. Uh-huh. Bye now.” As she hung up, Evan said, “We need to call an ambulance, Jane. I can’t get you to the hospital.” “Oh, great,” Jane said weakly as Evan sat on the bed. “Just what I need. This is all the hospital’s fault. I knew that the doctor was wrong when he told me that I was only seven months along. I’m just too big.” It was very hard for Evan to tell if she was joking, because he was too nervous to pay attention to her voice tone. He picked up the phone and dialed the front desk to explain the situation. Midway through, Jane came over and snuggled up to him, putting her face into his shoulder. He must have felt way more attached to her than he had previously realized, because without her guidance, he felt so disoriented that it was like somebody had pulled him underwater. I can’t let Jane down, he thought. She’s always been there for me. Now, it’s my turn to be there for her. With shaking hands, he talked to the person on the other end of the phone and hung up a few minutes later. Jane kept touching his hand and sighing, though another contraction swept through her. “I’m sorry that your husband couldn’t be here, Jane,” Evan said weakly. “It should be him, not me.” Jane sighed again. “Are you kidding, Evan? We’ve been inseparable for years. I love you like a brother. I’m glad that you’re here. Frank makes me nervous anyway. He would be a total basket case right now.” “You’re doing such a good job,” Evan said. “How can you handle it? You don’t sound nervous at all.” That was when Jane let out a slight wail and grasped his body tightly, 5

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

squeezing the air out of him. He let out a squeak of pain, but he did not push her away. He could feel her breath on his cheek, her fingers grasping at his Tshirt. Outside, he could already hear the sound of the ambulance coming closer and closer. Poor Jane, he thought, holding her near. As much as she says that, she needs her husband, not the blind man that she looks after. When the ambulance came and took the two of them for a ride to the hospital, he felt sick to his stomach. Frank should have been there. Frank, not him.

6

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Two “Evan, look!” said Jane happily, holding her eight-pound boy in her arms. Frank was at her side, since he had come two hours earlier on an emergency flight. “Eight pounds! Isn’t he the cutest?” “I’m blind, remember,” Evan said jokingly. “But he’s yours, so I imagine that he’s probably the cutest thing to ever exist.” “Well, we decided to name him after you, Godfather,” Jane said without a hint of jokiness in her voice. Evan stood very still, his breath catching in his chest. Godfather? He, the godfather? It just didn’t make any sense to him. Jane had been his best friend throughout the years, certainly. She had been with him when he was going through his hardest times, which mostly had nothing to do with blindness. When had he ever stood by her? Hardly ever. It was enough to make his stomach cramp with guilt. Being a godfather was a great honor. Plus, her son was being named after him as well? As he stood in the hospital room, he felt his head lighten. Frank’s hand grasped his elbow and steered him toward a seat, where Evan sat down and looked in Jane’s general direction. He could hear the cooing of the baby in Jane’s arms, and he wished more than anything at that moment that he could see him. Godfather, he thought, his face splitting into a grin before he could help himself. “Are you sure about this?” Evan said quickly. “I’m entirely honored, but am I good enough?” He felt Jane’s fingers enclose around his arm as she said, “Are you good enough? You’ve overcome a major disability and fly around the world doing things that everyone else wishes that they could do. You touch the lives of thousands of children going through hard times. You can honestly ask me that?” “I don’t feel that way,” Evan said softly. “Well,” Jane replied, “you’ve always been an inspiration to us, right, Frank?” Without the slightest bit of hesitation, Frank replied, “That’s right. I had 7

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

no squeamishness about naming our baby after you. Give him a hold, then?” Nervously, Evan held the baby in his arms and felt his heart pound. He had held babies before, usually ones who had been born blind and the parents were looking for some sort of miracle worker. Still the weight of a child in his arms had never meant as much as it did during that moment, that time. He reached forward and held Jane’s hand, too, squeezing it with tears in his eyes. “Oh, Jane,” he said softly. “What am I going to do without you on my trips? I’ll be completely blind.” “And what am I going to do without your terrible jokes?” Jane replied, leaning forward and holding him and the baby close. “You’ll be fine without me. You’ve always been. Just do me a favor, all right . . .” “What’s that?” Evan asked, cuddling the baby closer. “Anything for you.” “Stop having such low self-esteem and find yourself someone that makes you feel happy,” Jane replied. “I know that you talk to many kids about how they can do anything even though they’re blind, but you’re being a hypocrite. It seems to me that your blindness has stopped you from finding a lover for long enough.” Since Evan’s stomach plummeted deep, he knew that Jane was quite right about that. He truly was a coward. Whenever there was a chance for him to go meet somebody, he would always shy away. He had a reason, a very stupid one in his opinion, why he had never tried to find a partner in the last couple of years. In college, he had been a part of many activities and councils. One group was dedicated to people of the homosexual community. He had joined, hoping to find somebody. In the end, he had. The boy, Mike Jameson, was strong and young with a voice that was crisp and beautiful. When Evan had touched him, his stomach had been full of butterflies. Two months in, though, after Evan had given Mike everything that he had, including his virginity, Mike had ended it all with the most terrible words: “It’s not that I don’t like you, Evan. It’s just that I had never thought that being with a blind person could be so much work. I’m just not cut out for it.” 8

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

And ever since then, Evan hadn’t had the courage to pursue anybody, under the assumption that no one would want him because he was blind. He had Jane, who was like his best friend who got a salary, but now she was going to get on with her life alongside her family. He was happy for her . . . and sad, too. “Are you okay, Evan?” asked Jane, interrupting his thoughts. “You’re looking a little pale.” “I’m fine,” he responded, his voice sounding falsely high to his own ears. “You’re absolutely right, Jane. Of course, you always are.”

9

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Three Evan walked into the restaurant where he was to meet Dean, feeling a pit in his stomach that hadn’t been there before. It was very hard to function without Jane around, not because he was blind, but because he was lonely. He had never realized how much of a friend Jane had really been. Though he was still depressed, he was glad that he was going to get the chance to meet up with Dean, who would make him happy quicker than Evan could say go. Way back when, he had had a thing for Dean, but that was after the time of Mike, so he had kept his feelings to himself. Now, Dean had a fiancée name Beatrice and had moved into the “friend zone” after so many years of being his crush. Nickel, his seeing-eye dog, licked his hand as he paused in the restaurant’s lobby. The dog was an important companion also, a lab with a friendly personality and a much-too-active tail. Back home, he had had to remove all things from the lower tables to stop her from making a mess. The only problem was, though, that having a seeing-eye dog made people whisper. It was enough to make him completely paranoid. “Sir?” a voice said as Nickel led him toward the front table. “A table for one?” “I’m here for—” “Evan!” a familiar voice cried through the restaurant, making him jump in surprise. “It has been far too long! Come over here.” One of the things about Dean was that he had a voice so loud that it could wake the dead. He sounded like an announcer with a megaphone at all times, even in the middle of the most inopportune places, like study hall and the library. Dean was also tall, fairly attractive, according to their female friends, and had shaggy hair and a very strong chin. If this had changed, Evan did not know. It had been a while since he had gotten the chance to “see” his face. The two of them headed toward the table where Dean guided him, and they sat down together. Dean was a blur of constant energy, reading off the items on the menu that he thought that Evan might like and ordering the 10

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

meals for them. Dean, despite all of this, never once made a comment about Evan’s blindness. It was one of the reasons why Evan liked him so much. After they had ordered their meals, Evan made a stab at conversation, saying, “How are things with your little brother? Danny, was it?” “Danny?” said Dean nervously, and his hand collided with something with a loud clunk—probably the table leg. “Yeah, things are all right, I guess.” Another thing about Dean was that he had the ability to hide secrets about as well as a four-year-old. Already, Dean was trembling, and though Evan could not see his friend’s face, he was certain that he was showing a nervous twitch. This instantly made Evan nervous. Why would Dean get nervous about talking, unless it wasn’t just talking that he wanted to do? “I see,” Evan said as the waiter gently nudged Evan’s arm maternally and dropped his spicy stew right in front of him. He didn’t pick up his spoon to eat, though, even when the slurping told him that Dean had. “So he’s finally showing some improvement, then? I thought that he might get a full-time job or go to college.” “How are things without Jane?” Dean asked quickly in response. For a moment, Evan contemplated lying. Without Jane, things were horrible. He had nobody to talk to during breakfast and lunch. Sometimes he caught himself calling out for her when he was at the office, working things out with his boss regarding his next speeches. She had done more for him than he had realized. If he told that to Dean, though, then he might appear weak because of his disability. That was something that he could not stand. He was just as strong as everybody else. Much more so than Dean’s little brother, at any rate. “Things are a challenge, I guess,” Evan said nervously. “I mean, my life isn’t quite the same without my Jane around. She’s an incredible woman.” “I thought as much,” Dean said, slurping his soup again. “I have a favor to ask you, Evan. I know that I really shouldn’t, but I was just hoping . . . well . . .” Evan had known this was coming. Immediately, his stomach tensed. Already, he was putting two and two together. Dean had an incorrigible little 11

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

brother who was going through a rough patch and didn’t have a job. Evan was currently in the midst of a crisis because he was lonely without a helper. His father was willing to pay for someone to help Evan around the house and the office full-time. “You want me to hire your little brother, don’t you?” he asked, shaking his head. “I can’t believe this. Is it really that bad?” Dean seemed surprised that he had caught on that quickly, because it took him a minute to reply. “Well, yes. I mean, he really isn’t that bad of a kid, just a bit misguided. He’s really upset about what happened to my mom and dad. I know that it’s a bit much to ask of you, and if you say no, then I completely understand, but I just need help. I can’t handle him.” For a moment, Evan paused, his fingers knitting themselves together over the table. He wondered what to do. There was no way that he could have a noisy, argumentative kid wandering around his office while he was trying to get things together. He was even planning to write another book about blindness. Still, there was something about Dean’s troubled voice that he could not ignore. Dean was his friend, had been through it all, and Mike’s words still rang in his ears at times: “It’s just that I had never thought that being with a blind person could be so much work.” Maybe he did owe Dean something for hanging around him all of this time. “If I take him on,” Evan said quietly, “then will you promise that you’ll stand by me if things don’t go well? I’ve already told you about the new book that I’m planning.” “If he screws it up, then you can oust him,” Dean cried jubilantly, as if he had just discovered that his cancer had disappeared. “I hope that you rub off on him, Evan. You’re an amazing guy. Maybe if he sees what you can do with your problems, then he’ll want to try harder. Oh, thank you, Evan! Thank you!” All Evan could do was sigh. He wasn’t much in the mood for lunch anymore.

12

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Four Evan tapped his foot on the ground nervously as he waited for Danny to show up. It was twelve o’clock in the afternoon, and Danny had been scheduled to come right at noon. As Evan would need Danny to help him with his new book as well as some household chores like deciphering whites from darks, he had decided to have Danny meet him at his house. It’s the first day, and Danny is already running late, Evan thought darkly. I can’t believe this. He began to pace on his living room carpet. He exhaled a large sigh, crossing his arms in front of his chest. What was Dean playing at? Why would he enlist him for such a terrible thing? That was when the doorbell rang. A nervous bolt shot through Evan that he quickly ignored. It wasn’t like being in front of a crowd of people or making a presentation for his peers. There was a stranger, some delinquent, who was going to make a move on his personal space. Jane, why did you have to go? he thought as he hustled forward to answer the door. When he opened it, he wished that he could see the boy standing before him. Instead, he got his first whiff of his new housemate, as his other senses had grown heightened with time in order to make up for his blindness. What he could say so far was that Danny favored a spicy body deodorant that smelled quite nice and that he had very quick breathing. It was possible that Danny was just as nervous about this arrangement as Evan. “Hello,” Evan said nervously. “Danny, is it?” “Yo,” Danny said calmly in response, instantly killing all thoughts of He may be nervous, too. “Yeah, that’s me. You’re Evan, the blind guy that my big brother wants me to look after, right?” Evan felt his stomach clench. This was not the way that he had wanted things to go at all, but he should have known better than to expect even the slightest bit of diplomacy. His whole life, he had tried desperately to fight the phrase “that blind guy.” He was so much more than that. Instantly, Evan’s face fixed into a snarl before he calmed himself down by thinking, Relax. He’s just some immature brat that just lost his parents. “Yeah, that’s me,” Evan growled more harshly than he meant to. “Come 13

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

in. I’ll show you around and tell you a bit about what I expect from you.” “Right,” Danny replied, stepping over the threshold. “This place isn’t too bad. Do you have a cleaning lady too?” “A cleaning lady?” Evan asked, eyebrows raised. “No, I do my own housework. What makes you say that?” “Seriously?” Danny asked with such surprise that it was unflattering. “How can you tell how clean it is and stuff? Just like with your appearance. You seem pretty pressed and polished for a blind guy, if you asked me.” This was not the first time that this comment had been made about his appearance. It was ironic, considering that he had no idea what he looked like in other people’s eyes. Everyone else said that he was quite attractive, though. Jane had told him that he had bright blue eyes—whatever blue was—and blond hair that was naturally curly and fell to his shoulders in thick ringlets. During meetings, he had it pushed back in order to maintain professionalism. When he was at home, he just left it hanging to his shoulders. “Just because I’m blind doesn’t mean that I’m stupid,” Evan said darkly, shaking his head. “I do my own housework, my own business, and my own cooking.” “Then why do you need me?” asked Danny crossly. Because I promised your brother that I would help you stop being such a pain in the ass, he thought. He couldn’t say that, though. Something about the way that Danny spoke told him that he was not to be trifled with. On top of that, Dean had told him about Danny’s temper. The fact that Evan was allowing someone like that into his house was daunting. “I need you because sometimes I have too much work to do, just like any other person,” he lied. “Now come along with me. I have things to show you.” After Evan had showed him the laundry piles (“Man. I didn’t know that I was going to be your maid! Shit . . .”), the office (“I have to help with reading? I didn’t think that this was grade school.”), and his files (“I don’t even alphabetize my own stuff. Why should I help you with yours?”), he was more than a little annoyed. Jane had always helped him wordlessly and driven him places. Nickel was a good help when Jane wasn’t around, but it was 14

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

much faster to drive than to take the public transit system. As Evan padded around the house, wondering whether there was anything else that he had forgotten while silently hoping that Danny would stop moaning and sulking, he heard the sound of Nickel approaching as if she had heard him when he had thought about her. Evan leaned downward, opening his arms wide to receive Nickel, and grinned as a wet tongue lapped at his face. From behind him, Danny made a thumping noise. “Oh no,” Danny muttered, making a thudding sound. “A dog. A dog! This is just sick. My brother never told me that you had a dog. Get that thing away from me right now!” Evan, who felt Nickel’s head cock in curiosity beneath his hand, glanced upward and heard Danny clunk away from him, attempting to get away from his harmless seeing-eye dog. This is not going to work, he thought darkly. This kid can’t even handle Nickel. Nickel wouldn’t hurt anyone, not even a cat. “Nickel is a seeing-eye dog,” Evan explained as Danny squeaked. “I need her around. She won’t hurt you.” “Yeah, right,” Danny grumbled. “Please just make her go away.” Sighing underneath his breath, Evan reached forward and took Danny’s arm and led him back down toward the first floor of the house, where Nickel was least likely to follow. Once they were out of the proximity of Nickel, Danny relaxed underneath his arm and pushed Evan’s hand away. Evan hadn’t even realized that he had still been holding it. He and Jane had held hands all the time, and it had never seemed to bother her. Then again, she had always known that he was gay, and they had such a family-like relationship that it was scarcely uncomfortable between them. “Okay,” Evan sighed, feeling embarrassed. “That’s about it. Why don’t you get started with the laundry while I work in my office?” “Laundry,” Danny said weakly, as if it was a foreign word. “Yes, laundry.” **** Five minutes later the sound of loud music came bursting through his 15

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

eardrums as he attempted to write the five principles of recovery. His head shot up, his eyes narrowed, and he let out a low moan. Jane always knew to be quiet when he was working. After all, his other senses were so heightened that he could make out a pin falling. After slamming both hands on the side of the desk, Evan stumbled from his office and down the stairs, heading toward his laundry room. When he got there, the sound was deafening. He felt as though he was at a concert. “Danny!” he yelled. “For God’s sake, Danny! Shut off that damn radio!” There was the sound of a door being slammed on his laundry machine, and then Danny must have turned off the radio, because the sounds ceased. Danny was breathing heavily, and Evan had a distinct feeling that he had been doing more than the laundry. Possibly he had been trying out his hand at air guitar. “I am trying to work upstairs,” Evan practically hissed. He was normally a good-natured person, but this was too much. “I said do the laundry, not have a rock concert.” “Calm down,” Danny replied. “Seriously. I was just trying to pass the time. I don’t have my player with me. I thought that I—” “You are telling me to calm down,” Evan practically growled, his jaw aching from where it tightened. “You’ve been employed to help me. So far you have whined, treated me like an incompetent fool, and are now blasting music loud enough to shake the foundation of the house. I am giving you this job on the condition that you help me. Shut off the damn music, or I’m calling Dean.” Within seconds, Danny was in his face, his breath sweet regardless of the fact that his angry panting was not. Evan knew at that moment that he was in trouble. What if Danny was violent as well as a delinquent? There was no way that he could fight back. Evan didn’t know the first thing about throwing a punch. He had been so closely monitored in school that picking a fight with him was like jamming a pen up a teacher’s nostril. “I don’t want to work for you, anyway,” Danny growled at him. “You’re nothing more than a cranky old coot.” “I’m only seven years older than you!” Evan shot back, practically 16

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

spitting. “And you should mind your manners, no matter how old I am!” “You act like you’re ninety,” Danny said in response. “Well, you act like you’re ten.” A stony silence filled the room at this moment, and the only thing that could be heard was their labored breathing. Evan heard the sound of Danny’s angry footsteps thundering across the floor, heading toward the front door. Evan did not try to stop him. “I quit!” Danny growled. As the front door slammed loudly, Evan stood there thinking, Good riddance.

17

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Five Two days later, Evan was stunned and slightly hurt that Dean hadn’t called to apologize about his little brother’s crazed behavior. Maybe Dean’s angry with me for not giving his deranged sibling more of a chance, he thought dryly, shaking his head. It was about seven o’clock in the evening, and Evan was feeling the pains of loneliness already. He was used to having Jane around, talking in his ear in her usual breathy way, staying around two hours longer than she needed to because her husband wasn’t home yet and she was in the same lonely boat as he was. Evan had never minded that. Once his work was done, then he was more than happy to breach his vow of silence for casual conversation. “Nickel,” Evan called out, and then he felt a warm tongue lap his fingertips. Even after petting the dog for a few minutes, he still wasn’t feeling any happier. He had even spent fifteen extra minutes in the shower before changing into his pajamas. That was when he realized there was one thing that he could never do before in the early evening with Jane here, something that he had been doing less and less on tour because he was so incredibly busy. He looked around guiltily. It’s a little early to be doing this, but even I have got to take care of myself sometime. He stumbled to his feet and headed into his bedroom, where he left the door open and lay on the bed. Who did he have to hide his masturbation habits from? Nickel, the dog who licked her privates in the middle of a crowded diner? Clambering onto the bed, he shut his eyes and let his imagination do the work. It wasn’t like he could watch porn, but he could imagine the way his fingers “saw” another man’s body as he ran his fingers down it. Already, he imagined the last person he had been with, whom he had met in a bar. That was great, he thought. It had been a one-night stand, but still . . . The two of them had been all fingers and touches. The man, whom he had dubbed “Henry” even though they hadn’t known each other’s real names, had had the muscle tone of a Greek god. It was enough to cause 18

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Evan to get aroused just by thinking about it. Quickly, he positioned his fingers inside the waistband of his soft pajama bottoms. He ran his fingers up his shaft, running his palm over his base, and imagined the way that it had felt when Henry had sucked him off. It was too much for him already, his body getting sweatier and sweatier. It felt so good that he could hardly bear it. The pajama bottoms felt too restrictive at this point, and he pushed them off, giving his erection more room to grow as he worked at himself. He thought of Henry and touched his body, making him feel so good. He thought of Mike now too, the way it had felt when they had made love in his room. It had felt so good to be that connected to someone. No, he thought. Not Mike. Anyone but Mike. He switched back to Henry, who had thrust inside of him deeply every time. Evan moved to insert a finger into himself, wanting more, and groaned out, “Oh God, Henry. Stick it in me. Stick it in . . .” “Holy fucking shit,” a voice said, startling him out of his ecstasy. Somebody was in his house. Somebody he didn’t want. “Danny!” Evan yelped, pulling up his pants and trying very hard to ignore his erection. He had no idea what he was trying to do, even though he was scrambling around, and he fell off the bed with a thud. “Shit. Ouch.” “Holy fucking shit,” Danny breathed from the doorway. Evan had his face pressed to the carpet, his breathing getting more and more tense. Maybe it was better down here. He had never been so embarrassed in his entire life. He had never been caught masturbating or having sex with someone. In fact, he was always very secluded, even when it came to public displays of affection. When Evan and Mike had been together, that had been one of Mike’s constant complaints. That was when Evan was rocked from his thoughts by the sound of Danny moving forward and heading toward him to help. Evan was shocked. He had thought that Danny would have started running as fast as he could in the opposite direction when he had called out “Henry!” instead of a girl’s name. Danny grabbed him by his arm, hauling him up to his feet. Evan was 19

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

breathing heavily, not from the masturbation, but because of the embarrassment, and his face felt as though it was on fire. Quickly, Evan ran his fingers over his hair, smoothing it out aggressively. Evan wished that he could see what face Danny was making. “You okay?” Danny questioned him, completely ignoring the fact that he had just walked in on Evan with his finger up his own ass. “That looked like a nasty fall.” “I am so sorry,” Evan said really quickly, his face getting hotter and hotter. “I normally don’t bother to shut the door—nobody’s normally here, you see—and well . . . Wait a second, why are you here? I didn’t hear anybody knock.” “I did. Nobody answered. I thought that you just didn’t want me to come in,” Danny grumbled. “I made an ass out of myself last time. I wanted to come in to apologize, maybe ask for my job back. Looks like I owe you a double whopper this time. Sorry to interrupt your special time with ‘Henry.’” That made Evan’s face feel as though it could have successfully fried an egg. He still felt like a fish out of water. What could he say to make this right? The air was as thick as condensed soup without water. Probably Danny was disgusted by him. He did come into your house, Evan thought darkly. It’s not your fault. That’s a really weird thing to do. Danny saved him by saying, “You showed me where the coffeemaker was last time. Let’s have some.” He didn’t particularly feel good about being offered his own coffee as if he was the guest here and not Danny, but it was something to hold on to. That was when Evan realized what Danny was doing. He’s saving me, Evan realized. He doesn’t even like coffee. He told me that last time. Suddenly, he felt a growing bud of fondness for Danny that hadn’t been there before, though he still would have preferred for him to have fled the room and let Evan die of embarrassment in peace. They headed down to the kitchen quietly, Evan’s face still not clearing of its heat. He couldn’t shake the way that it had felt when he had heard Danny say “holy fucking shit” in that surprised voice of his. Danny was handling this more admirably than Evan was, though. He was feeling sick to his 20

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

stomach, while Danny was being Danny. As Evan flicked on the coffeemaker and offered Danny a soda instead, the two of them sat in silence for a second. Finally, they both began awkwardly at the same time, “I’m so sorry that I—” After that, Danny let out a barking laugh that Evan had never heard before, one that was so cute that even he couldn’t avoid its incredible powers. Before Evan knew it, he was laughing too, and the awkwardness began to clear completely. “Okay, I’ll go first,” Danny said after he had stopped laughing. “I’m sorry that I acted like an ass and took control of the house. I’m sorry that I came inside without knocking first and interrupted you when you were having personal time with ‘Henry.’” “I’m sorry that you had to see me during my personal time,” Evan said, feeling his face flush again. “How on earth are you so calm about this? I was masturbating and calling out another guy’s name.” “My parents weren’t the most attentive even when they were alive,” Danny said with a trace of bitterness, all laughter forgotten. “They sent me to some boarding school. I had to share a room with another teenage boy. Normally, when I walked in on my roommate, he was saying names like ‘Kelly’ or ‘Natalie,’ but once you see it enough, it really doesn’t bother you much anymore.” “I am gay,” Evan said without hesitation, his fingers tightening around his cup. It was pointless to hide now. “Are you still comfortable about working around me? I won’t be checking out your ass or staring at your chest.” There was a moment of awkward silence. Obviously Danny thought that Evan had as much of a sense of humor as a dead rat. “I was kidding,” Evan muttered. “Blind jokes. Sorry about that.” “That’s cool,” Danny replied, sounding surprised. “You can make fun of yourself. I respect it. So you’ll give me another chance?” “Yes,” Evan replied, “but next time, bring your music player, okay?” “Gotcha,” Danny said, chugging the remains of his soda down. Evan knew because he heard him swallowing. 21

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

That was when Evan realized that there was something else bothering him besides his interrupted masturbation time or Danny’s somewhat bipolar behavior. It was Dean. If anybody knew why Dean hadn’t called him after Danny had quit, then Danny would. “Is your brother mad at me for being too hard on you?” Evan asked quietly. “He hasn’t tried to call me or anything.” “Uh . . .” Danny said awkwardly. “I was too embarrassed to tell him.” Relief flooded through his body. Evan didn’t have too many true friends, and he didn’t want to lose one of the ones he did have. Already, he felt as though he had lost Jane, even though he knew that he really hadn’t. “One last thing,” Evan said after a moment. “What made you decide to come back after you seemed to hate it so much?” Danny hesitated and then said, “It was my brother, actually. He told me how excited he was that I was working for you. He really looks up to you. Dean was saying things like, ‘Even though he’s blind, he never expects any pity. He acts like a real pro and works twice as hard as anyone else that I know.’ It made me realize that I was being a real ass about things. I thought that he was so eager to have me leave that he was willing to pass me off to whoever it was that needed someone, and that really pissed off. My parents had already played that game with me when they were still here.” This made Evan feel very uncomfortable. He wondered whether it was a common thing for Danny to spout off truths like this. Still, it was refreshing in comparison to most of the people he went along with all day. There was nothing more two-faced than a businessman who had something to lose. I shouldn’t have been so hard on him, Evan thought. I know that Dean’s parents weren’t too great. Dean spent most of his time with my dad, and that kind of helped him get through. Danny didn’t have that. Danny, who was breathing heavily at this moment, must have been thinking rather hard about something. In order to draw him out of it, Evan reached forward and grasped at his fingers, trying to comfort him. “Sorry,” Evan said gently. “It’s a bit hard on me when I can’t see your face. I think that I misunderstood the situation.” Danny immediately changed face—or at least his tone—but did not 22

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

move his hand away. “Ah. Don’t go feeling sorry for me, now. I’ve got a lot of stuff that people don’t have. My brother can be pushy, but he’s always been there for me.” “I imagine that it must have hurt when it seemed like you were being pushed away, then,” Evan said knowingly. It was at this moment that Danny withdrew his hand, and Evan wondered whether he had gone too far. Danny stood up now, his chair squeaking on the floor, and chuckled in a nervous way. Evan stepped to the side, placing his coffee cup on the counter. “So I’ll see you tomorrow?” Danny asked. “Same time?” “Yes.” Evan nodded. “Good,” Danny said happily. “Don’t have too much fun with Henry. You might go blind.” Evan listened as Danny let himself out and then chuckled to himself. I might go blind, Evan thought. Finally, somebody with my sense of humor. I might end up liking this kid after all. But then his knee twitched in pain from his fall, and he was reminded of his tumble from the bed. He had a feeling that he wouldn’t be using any images of Henry for a while. The very thought of masturbating made him feel embarrassed.

23

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Six Danny was much better after that, and while Evan couldn’t necessarily call him a friend, they were getting along much better than Evan could have hoped. When they weren’t trading off blind jokes, they were prattling on about inconsequential things in the kitchen. With Danny’s help, after a few color mishaps regarding his laundry, he had managed to finish his book in six weeks and was shipping the manuscript off to his editor for evaluation. In response to that, Danny was, like usual, himself. “So when you go on tour, do I get to go with you? That would be amazing. I’ve only been out of state twice, and that was because Dean took pity on me.” “That depends,” Evan said as he leaned backward on the couch. “On what?” Danny asked eagerly, reminding him strongly of Nickel, though he would never tell Danny that. “On whether you are still here,” Evan said. “Books take a lot longer than that, you know. But I have a business trip coming up in a month or two to Houston. I always took Jane with me, so you can come too.” “Texas!” Danny said with so much excitement. “All right.” As Evan turned on the television and listened to the news report, Danny continued to jump around on the couch in excitement like never before. Danny, as it turned out, was very much a touchy person, even more so than Evan, who used his hands to “see.” Evan knew that his couch had enough room on it to seat four, as it had done so before comfortably, but Danny was touching knees with him and leafing through Evan’s Braille books. Evan had tried to teach him some, but Danny still couldn’t manage it. Danny also carried an incredible amount of heat. Even though they were only leaning against each other, Evan could feel fire through his entire body. He couldn’t explain it. Deep down, he wished that he could touch Danny more, just to see what he “looked” like. He knew that Danny would probably be okay with it if he asked to touch his face to get the general idea, but he didn’t want things to get uncomfortable between them, not when things were working out so well. “You’re kind of quiet for a man that should be celebrating,” Danny said, 24

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

putting his hand on Evan’s knee as if it was the easiest thing in the world to touch him. “Come on. What’s on your mind, boss man?” Just ask him, Evan thought. Get over the Henry thing. He obviously does not care. His hand is on your knee, for God’s sake. Still, he couldn’t shake the nervousness within him. He was way too eager. “Um,” Evan said after a moment. “Seeing how I’m blind, I can’t get a good look at you. I was wondering if I could—” “Oh, is that all you were worrying about!” Danny said, leaning closer to him again. They were practically cuddling. Evan wondered whether Danny was like this with everybody or just him. “Go ahead. Touch away.” He really should watch that, Evan thought, shaking his head at Danny’s words. He couldn’t hide how eager he was, though, as he turned around and reached upward to touch Danny’s face. At first, he started at the crown of Danny’s head and was stunned by how soft his hair was. He knew that Danny had dark brown hair and was popular with women, according to Dean. After that, he moved downward and touched Danny’s forehead and eyebrows. He could feel Danny’s calm breathing against his face, completely trusting in him. Already, the noise of the television was phased out. All that mattered was this moment, his fingers moving around Danny’s eyes and over his surprisingly feminine nose. Evan tenderly stroked over Danny’s lips, though he didn’t usually do that, and moved over his chin, which smelled of aftershave. “You have very soft lips,” Evan said quietly, his heart pounding in his chest. “You also have very nice hair.” Danny was so close that his sweet breath tickled his chin. “Thank you. Is that all? You can do the rest of me, if you want. You have a very soft touch. It feels good.” The words “do the rest of me” made his stomach flip. He had already begun to run his fingers down Danny’s now-heaving chest. That was when the doorbell rang, making him lurch away as if he had been burned. That was very wrong, Evan thought. I really do need to go out to a bar and get a lover. I can’t start feeling up some innocent kid that thinks that this is how I normally see people. That’s 25

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

way too extreme. Danny, who confirmed his point by jumping to his feet happily as if nothing was wrong, said, “I wonder who could be coming over here now.” “Probably Jane,” Evan said, trying very hard to sound normal. “I told her about my book.” “Jane,” Danny said dryly. “The girl I replaced. Right.” There was the sound of footsteps upon the carpet, and when Danny opened the door, Evan knew that he was right. Jane didn’t waste any time asking if she could be let in. Instead she burst through the doorway and said loudly, “Oh, Evan, congratulations. Frank and I just couldn’t wait until the weekend to see you.” After that, she swooped down and kissed Evan in a sisterly way on his lips. He hugged her tightly, feeling the comfort of her presence. Frank and Danny were talking to each other as Evan took the baby from Jane and lovingly admired how much his godson had grown. That was when Danny cleared his throat loudly. “Oh, right,” Evan said quickly, realizing that he only met with Jane on the weekends and that Jane had never formally been introduced to her replacement. “This is Danny, Jane. He’s been doing a fantastic job. He stays overtime just like you used to.” Jane laughed and turned toward him, saying, “So you can handle the geezer, then, can you?” For the first time since Evan had met Danny, he sounded stiff as he replied, “I thought that he was way younger than you. And he’s brilliant.” What’s the matter with him? Evan wondered. There was a moment of awkward silence as Jane gathered herself, probably embarrassed that he had not picked up on the joking side to her nature. Danny cleared his throat again, another uncharacteristic movement. That was when Danny moved, taking his place at Evan’s side. If it was even possible, Danny sat even closer this time so that there was no space whatsoever between them. It did not take a genius, or even a blind man with heightened senses, to tell that something was wrong with Danny. His breathing was labored, and he appeared to be upset or angry about 26

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

something. To comfort him, Evan moved his hand over to Danny’s knee. That was when Danny did something shocking—he placed his hand over Evan’s, squeezing it. Just like Danny’s body, his palm was as hot as fire. Jane was in front of him, making noises at her baby, who was sitting on Evan’s right knee, when she said, “Well, I still think that Evan is a crotchety old man. That I do.” “Well, if you think that I’m so crotchety,” Evan said placidly, “then you can take the night off from motherhood and take me to a bar.” Yes, Evan thought darkly. That way, I can get my mind off of the kid next to me. If Danny kept massaging his fingers in such a way, then he was going to start getting a very wrong idea. Oblivious to Evan’s predicament, Jane said, “Oh, so you’re finally getting serious about my advice about getting a permanent partner! That’s wonderful. Of course I’ll take you. Frank can take care of the baby. He owes me.” That was when Evan thought that Danny was going to squeeze the life out of his fingertips. In confusion, Evan drew his hand back as Danny cleared his throat again, this time more aggressively. Evan was just in the middle of wondering what was wrong when Danny said, “I thought that Henry was enough for you.” Color went to Evan’s face. He couldn’t believe that Danny was going to bring that up now. He didn’t want to talk about that, not even to Jane. Danny had to have known how awkward he felt. “Henry?” Jane asked in confusion. Danny replied, “Inside joke.” He’s deliberately keeping Jane out of the conversation, Evan thought. As he mulled over this, he felt his godson being taken out of his arms by Frank. After that, Jane groped at his hand in an attempt to get his attention. “To celebrate, let’s get some glasses, Evan!” Jane cried happily. “Four. I brought some wine. I take it that you’re old enough to drink.” Danny replied with equal disdain, “Of course I am. I’ll get the glasses. I’m 27

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

supposed to be helping him, anyway.” “Oh, I remember when we used to go drinking, Evan,” Jane said, leaning forward and getting as close as possible as Danny shuffled out of the room to get wineglasses. The moment he was gone, Jane quickly changed the subject and said, “Oh my God, Evan. What the hell? He’s just a kid.” Evan replied, “What does that mean? He’s just helping me.” “Uh-huh,” Jane retorted. “Listen, are you sure about this? He’s very young.” “Sure about what?” Evan asked, chilled. Had she noticed that he was attracted to Danny? “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Honey,” Jane replied, “I’ve seen the way you look when you’re in love. The expression that you wear around that kid is the one that you had when you were around Mike.” This made him feel as though he had been kicked in the stomach by a mule. He knew he was growing more attracted to Danny by the day, but he hadn’t thought that it was that serious. Danny was sweet, but he was also his best friend’s brother and was entirely straight. I’m an adult, he thought. I can use my self-control. I don’t need to worry about it. And what am I going to do, anyway? He’s straight. “Jane,” Evan said with a fake smile upon his face, “you really worry too much about me. There’s no way that we could be like that. He’s just a kid that looks after me. Plus, he’s straight. His brother told me. Come on.” Jane shook her head. “You really got some self-esteem issues. Danny looks like he’s going to jump—” “What’s going on?” Danny asked, returning with clinking glasses. He didn’t sound happy. “Nothing,” Jane responded, nudging Evan with her hand. “We were just discussing his book and his dating life, that’s all. Nothing for someone like you to worry about.” “Someone like me?” Danny asked roughly. “Yes,” Jane said in a protective way, “someone who’s just in his life for the part-time.” Evan felt his face light on fire. Jane was right. She was always right. The 28

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

message that she had just sent him was more than clear, whether Danny picked up on it or not. **** “What a wicked bi—” “Danny!” interrupted Evan. “I’ll have you know that the woman that you’re insulting was my assistant even through my school years. She’s been around for a long time.” There was an air of strain around them. Though Jane had sent Danny to go get ice, when he returned, she and Frank had left more quickly than he could blink. Evan was currently in the middle of his sixth glass of wine, and his mind was getting more and more blurry. It was making his situation, which was terrible, appear more funny than it actually was. After all, what sober man would laugh when he realized he was falling in love with an immature straight kid who was his best friend’s little brother? If it was merely lust, then he would have fired Danny to save him pain. Maybe he should do it anyway . . . It would hurt him more than it would hurt Danny, but it would be a protective move all the same. Danny, who had also been drinking the wine, was acting so angry that Evan wanted to give him a Valium. He had never seen Danny this upset, not even on his first day, when they had quarreled. Evan wished that he was drinking something stronger than wine, something that would knock him out quickly and make him forget what was happening. “What right does she have to plan your love life?” Danny asked darkly. “You’re great just where you are.” “I asked her to,” Evan said softly, holding his glass so tightly that he feared that it might shatter. “I’ve been alone for a long time, Danny.” “But I’m looking after you!” Danny cried indignantly. “You don’t need anybody else now.” “I think that you know what I meant by that, Danny,” Evan said harshly. “Henry isn’t enough for me. I need something more than that. It’s time.” Danny’s breathing was ragged again, and he leapt forward, startling Evan 29

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

because he couldn’t see the movements. Though it was Evan’s intention not to let Danny touch him anymore, Danny was holding his hands before he could stop him. They were so close that Danny’s wine-smelling breath blew against his cheeks. So close, he thought. We’re so close again, just like before. “Evan, I . . .” Danny breathed in and out. “I . . . I . . .” “Yes?” Evan asked quietly. Suddenly, just like before, Danny was on his feet as he said, “I’ve got to get out of here. I’ll see you tomorrow. Sorry that your celebration turned out to be such a mess.” After that, the door slammed behind Danny, leaving Evan sitting there with an empty bottle of wine and a lonely heart. As he remained there, eventually dozing with Nickel curled up at his side, he contemplated his own idiocy. Maybe it was in his blood to fall in love with the world’s most unattainable men . . . or maybe the men weren’t unattainable. Maybe he just wasn’t lovable. A tear rolled down his cheek as he finally fell fully asleep and entered a world of nightmares.

30

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Seven After that, things were awkward between them. Evan danced around Danny as if he was a leper, and Danny had become sullen and quiet. Soon, they were hardly speaking, when before they had been all about inside jokes and secret worlds. If Danny hadn’t been so excited about accompanying him to Texas, where they would have to share a bedroom, then he would have asked him not to come. Evan hadn’t spoken to Jane since then either, not that she hadn’t tried to come pull him out of the house. He just wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore. It was like he had lost Mike all over again, and his pain regarding his blindness resurfaced. It was like a cancerous sore that he couldn’t forget. Though Evan had been trying to avoid his own thoughts, and had done his best to keep away from Danny and Jane, that was very hard to do on a two-hour plane ride. There hadn’t been a movie included. He had prayed silently that there would be, even though he couldn’t see it. “I’m supposed to be helping you,” Danny said after they had gotten off the plane to Texas, “but yet you’re the one that knows what you’re doing. This just doesn’t seem right.” “Don’t worry about it,” Evan said quietly. Things were silent once again. That was when, quite suddenly, Danny reached forward and grabbed the back of Evan’s shirt, making him draw to a stop with his carry-on baggage banging against his side. Evan was stiff as Danny went very close to him, too close for comfort. “Evan,” Danny said quietly as people muttered around them, “I need to talk to you about something. I feel like I might explode. I—” “Not here,” Evan said quickly, his heart thudding hard just after the mere touch. Things were worse than he had thought they were. “You can tell me in the hotel room, okay?” Danny sounded very disappointed as he said, “Well, okay . . .” Evan wondered what Danny wanted. If Evan was questioned about his standoffish behavior, then he wasn’t sure what he could say that wouldn’t make Danny feel uncomfortable. He couldn’t just burst out, “I don’t want you 31

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

near me because I might be falling in love with you and you’re straight.” They walked toward the exit after they had completed their checkpoints and hailed a cab to their hotel. The whole time, Danny was dead silent, but his breathing was worse than Jane’s when she had been in labor. Eventually, and it felt like it had taken forever due to the awkwardness of it all, they arrived at their hotel, which was five miles west of the school that Evan would be doing a talk at. Both of them silently grabbed their carry-on bags and headed upstairs to the room. The entire time that they climbed, Evan kept praying, Let him forget to talk to me about my coldness. Let him get embarrassed. I don’t know what to say to him, and I’m not ready to face the truth, not even to myself. They entered the hotel room and put their bags inside, but the air was still as thick as clotted cream. Both of them were silent as they selected a bed. Evan took the one near to the door because he couldn’t see out the window anyway. After that, there was nothing to do but loll in the silence. Unfortunately, as Evan sat very still, this was when Danny walked right over and did his usual “cuddly” routine and said, “Can I talk to you now, Evan? Please.” Evan had never heard a voice with more need. It was very sad. With a nod, he allowed Danny to wrap an arm around his shoulder without flinching, just this once. “Evan, I don’t know how to say this . . .” Danny breathed. “That’s why, I’m just going to come right out and do it.” Evan began, “Danny, wait. I—” “I’m in love with you, Evan.” The words hung suspended in air like an elephant on a rope. Evan wasn’t sure what he had suspected, but it wasn’t that. Danny was straight. At least, he had been before he met Evan. Dean had always talked about the pretty girls who followed Danny home. “What are you talking about?” Evan said. “You aren’t in love with me. You might love me, but you aren’t in love with me. Do you understand? “ “No,” Danny said defiantly, “I know the difference, Evan. I’ve been with women, but they were never anything like you.” 32

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Evan exhaled sharply. “You’re just confused. Curious, even. I don’t think that you understand fully what you’re saying. Being in love with someone means that you want to have sex with them. Are you saying that you want to have sex with me?” These words had been used in order to stop Danny in his tracks. He had wanted to hear Danny say what he just had, but there were too many reasons that Danny had to stay away. Danny was young, he was his best friend’s brother, and he was probably just bi-curious. One taste and he would be fleeing the scene, leaving Evan brokenhearted and sad yet again. He couldn’t take it, not again. “I dream about it,” Danny said. “I dream about having sex with you. If I’m not touching you, then I feel like my heart is going to explode. When Jane talked about you meeting someone else and I imagined you being held by some other guy, I just couldn’t handle it. I want you. I want you, and I don’t want anyone else to have you.” “Danny, please,” Evan said as he struggled to stand, but Danny held him closer. “You know that this isn’t right. Think about your brother. Plus, you’re far too young. You’re probably just confused because you saw me masturbating that one time. Trust me, you don’t know what you’re saying.” “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life,” responded Danny indignantly. “I’m in love with you.” Danny gathered Evan in his arms, kissing him passionately and wildly in a way that he had never experienced before. The kiss itself was like Danny at that moment: wild and passionate and without control. It was filled with heat, tongue, and lips that were unrelenting. It was so wrong, but it felt so right. Nobody had ever made his heart pound like this, not even Mike. At first he still struggled, even as Danny held him still. Soon, he couldn’t hold back anymore and gave in, opening his mouth and allowing Danny to run his tongue over his own. As Evan relaxed, giving in to the emotion of the moment, Danny pulled him closer and held him in his lap so that they were facing one another. Both of them broke apart, panting. “See?” Danny said, pressing his sweaty forehead against Evan’s. “If I didn’t really want you, then could I have done that? Please, Evan.” 33

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Danny leaned forward again to deliver another passion-filled kiss, but Evan held up his hand in an attempt to stop him. Though Danny stopped the kiss that he had been about to deliver, he did not relinquish his hold around Evan’s waist. It didn’t help that Evan’s body was now agreeing with his heart on the idea that sex was the way to go. Now, the only thing that was working logically was his mind, which was scrambling to find reason even though he knew that whatever he said would hurt Danny in the process. “We can’t, Danny,” Evan said. “Please. It’s not that I don’t return your feelings, but think of your brother and the age difference.” “What the hell does Dean matter?” Danny barked, not letting go. “Listen, just because he’s my brother doesn’t mean that he can control me. I love you. I want you. You just agreed with me—you want me too. You love me too. I know it. And there’s only seven years between us. Honestly, my parents were ten years apart and were together all of their lives.” Evan couldn’t believe this. There was one more thing, one big thing, that he hadn’t mentioned. There was a memory that still haunted him: “It’s not that I don’t like you, Evan. It’s just that I had never thought that being with a blind person could be so much work. I’m just not cut out for it.” Evan shuddered, thinking of Mike’s final words. He didn’t think that he could live through that again. What if the same thing happened with Danny? Evan sighed. “You seem to have forgotten one thing, Danny.” “What’s that?” Danny asked, his breath on his face. “It doesn’t matter what it is. I want you, and I love you. I’m sure that my brother’s told you about how stubborn I am. It would be different if you didn’t feel the same way, but you admitted to it . . .” “I’m blind, Danny,” Evan said harshly, tears filling his eyes before he could stop them. Mike’s words were drilling into his head again and again, making him sick to his stomach. “I am blind. I know that I talk and joke about it like it’s nothing, but sometimes it isn’t nothing. Sometimes it’s something. Right now you say that you love me, but it won’t be long before you’re running away from me.” For the first time, Danny was still, but now Evan didn’t feel much like fighting anymore. He was supposed to be the voice of reason, but now he 34

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

was crying, tears trickling down his face and collar. I shouldn’t have said it, he thought. I should have said that Danny disgusted me or something . . . something untrue that would have made him leave. It’s too late now. “That’s what this is really about,” Danny said softly. “I figured as much. I know everyone says that you’re cool with it, but nobody could ever be that cool with it. Trust me when I say that it doesn’t matter. I’ve been taking care of you, haven’t I? Haven’t I proved myself to be a good housemate?” “A job and a relationship are two different things,” Evan said harshly, his breathing ragged as he tried to wipe away the defiant tears and failed. “You’re saying what they all say, but in the end, something changes. Trust me.” Danny reached forward, stopping Evan from wiping his face too harshly, and tenderly brushed away one of the tears on his face. Evan was trembling. He didn’t know what else to say, what else to do. As Danny wrapped his arms around him, Evan was pulled forward into the world’s most comforting embrace. Once Evan was there, he sighed and felt his emotions roar inside of his chest. It was funny how, as Danny rubbed his back, he could feel so safe around the person who had the ability to tear him to pieces. Even the very way that Danny smelled was enough to drive him crazy. “I’m scared too, Evan,” Danny whispered into his hair. “That’s what this is really about, isn’t it? I’m not a stupid guy . . .” “Huh?” “Do you think that this was easy for me?” Danny said into his hair. “I’ve never been in love before, and then I end up falling in love, but with a guy instead of a girl. I was scared—heck, I am still scared. Just because I’m terrified of losing you, though, isn’t a reason for me to not try to get you . . . I love you so much, and I’ve lost a lot of people that I love. I don’t want to add your name to the list.” “Danny?” Evan said, startled by how well Danny knew what he was saying when he always appeared to be dark and punkish. With remaining tears still on his face, Evan tilted his head upward. In response, Danny tenderly cupped his cheek and wiped away a stray dewdrop that lingered there. After that, Danny neared him again, his breath on Evan’s 35

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

cheek. It did not surprise him when Danny came in for a second kiss, but this one was far more tender and loving. As Danny’s fingers curled into his hair, he gently lowered Evan onto the bed so that his back was on the blankets and his feet were where his head should have been. After that, he leaned forward and kissed him deeply, their tongues mingling before Danny drew away. Danny then began to nibble at his ear while his fingers gently worked their way underneath Evan’s shirt, tugging it up. A chill ran up Evan’s spine. It had been so long since he had been with someone like this, especially someone he loved. He lifted himself off the bed and quickly removed his T-shirt, tossing it onto the floor where their luggage was. Danny made a half moan of ecstasy underneath his breath and ran his fingers over Evan’s body, murmuring, “I don’t think that I’ve ever wanted someone so much in my entire life.” Evan could relate. Not only did he want to have sex with Danny, but he also wanted to see him. With his eyes this way, he would not be able to, no matter how good it felt to have Danny’s fingers run all over him. As if reading Evan’s mind, as Danny often seemed to do, he said, “Here!” and tenderly placed Evan’s hands on the sides of his cheeks. As Evan felt around, he noticed that Danny had bags underneath his eyes that he hadn’t had before, and that his hair was a bit longer. Like he had wanted to do all along, Evan ran his fingers down Danny’s hard chest and over his shoulder blades and strong arms. It felt so good that he wanted to cry. He slipped his fingers underneath Danny’s shirt and felt the boiling hot skin there. As Evan explored, seeing only with his hands, Danny groaned underneath his breath so loudly that it would have impressed a wild animal. Danny leaned against him, allowing him to feel an erection that was becoming harder and harder to ignore. Danny grabbed his own shirt and threw it to the side, where it then hit the wall with a flump. After that, he left a trail of kisses starting at the base of Evan’s throat and ending all the way at the top of his pants. A shiver of 36

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

pleasure ran down Evan’s spine. “I love you,” Danny whispered as he unbuckled Evan’s pants. “I hope that I do much better than ‘Henry.’” Before Evan had time to ask what he meant by that, Danny’s fingers slipped inside of Evan’s briefs and began to work their way up and down his penis, reaching the mushroomlike top and going all the way down again. Evan moaned, grasping at the bedspread, not believing how good it felt. It had been a long time since he had actually been with someone, and Danny was bringing him closer to coming with every movement. As Evan throbbed and his body lurched, Danny moved faster and faster over him until finally: splat. Though Evan couldn’t see it, he heard Danny put a finger in his mouth and remove it with a popping noise. “Don’t,” Evan half laughed. “Don’t you know that it tastes disgusting?” “Maybe to you,” Danny replied. “I think that you taste amazing.” Evan flushed more deeply than he had when Danny had discovered him with “Henry.” Fumbling with his pants, Evan removed them and his underwear quickly and let them fall wherever they landed. Danny was already grabbing at his own fly, unzipping it quickly. Evan reached forward to help, more eager than he could say to fully feel what was underneath all of the clothing. He was not disappointed. As it turned out, Danny not only carried a lot of heat in his upper body, but in his lower body as well. Evan reached forward to touch Danny’s tip and discovered that it was as hot as holding his hand above a candle. He ran his fingers over the penis, feeling the thickness at the base, and sighed with want. He leaned forward and gave one long lick, but Danny stopped him, saying, “Wait, Evan. There’s something else I want to do with that, if it’s okay with you.” A moment of silence showed Evan that Danny was actually waiting for him to agree. Evan was shocked. His first time with Mike had been a painful experience because Mike had not asked and had not prepared him first. “It’s okay,” Evan said, wiping at his face. “Of course it is.” 37

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

“Okay,” Danny said. “I’ve never had sex with a man before, but I’ve read about it. Let me know if I’m hurting you.” “We might need condoms or something,” Evan replied, leaning forward and pressing his face again Danny’s hot stomach. “Oh,” Danny said, as if he had forgotten. “I brought all that.” Evan raised an eyebrow. “You did?” That was when Danny rolled away from him, and Evan missed the heat at once. The place where Danny had been sitting was still warm, though, so Evan put his face against the sheets as the sound of a suitcase unzipping filled the room. Danny padded over to him quickly, a pant still in his voice. “It was just in case something happened,” Danny said quickly, sounding embarrassed. “I . . . knew that there was no way that I could hold my feelings in. I wanted to tell you. I didn’t know what you would say to me.” But I declined him at first, Evan thought as Danny sat on the bed again and ran his fingers through Evan’s sweaty hair. He sure has a lot of confidence. Too bad that isn’t sexually transmitted. It was the confidence, though, that Evan loved about Danny. Danny didn’t let anyone else stand in his way. Danny was stubborn and temperamental about his opinions, but at least Evan always knew where he stood. As if reading Evan’s thoughts, Danny leaned forward and gave Evan a heated, passionate kiss and slipped his tongue in. Danny was on top of him again, his hot breath on his face. That was when he realized that somewhere between the suitcase and the bed, Danny had become even harder and was pressing himself again Evan’s leg. Danny ran his tongue down the front of Evan’s body, getting him all heated once again. When he got close to the dark triangle of hair that was above Evan’s penis, Danny inserted one of his fingers into Evan’s butt and thrust in and out several times. It had been such a long time that Evan’s back arched in surprise, his breathing becoming more ragged. “So I’m guessing that I’m doing this right, then,” Danny said in amusement as Evan moaned, groping at the bedspread again in pleasure. “Shut up,” Evan responded with a grunt. That was when Danny attempted to thrust with two fingers, but he 38

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

wasn’t able to fit all of the way in. Evan was worried. If two fingers wouldn’t fit, then how was he supposed to be one with Danny? Danny wasn’t exactly small in the dick department. “I brought something for that too, just in case,” Danny said. “I know that you couldn’t see it.” There was a brief pause before Danny thrust himself inside of Evan again with two fingers, but the gel was cold and caused Evan to cry out in shock and pleasure. It didn’t take long for the lotion, which numbed and tingled all at once, to begin to get hot inside of him. It also made it so the two fingers fit inside of him easily, and as Danny kept thrusting, Evan was getting more and more stretched out. “Just hurry up and put it in!” Evan cried loudly and desperately, eager for more. “Not quite,” Danny teased. “You’re tight back there. It really has been a long time.” Though Evan was trying to think of a retort, it was hard to do so when Danny pushed three fingers inside of him now too, thrusting again and again so vigorously that his whole body moved on the bed. He was crying out, his eyes prickling with tears of pleasure, but for the first time, he didn’t care if the neighbors heard his yelps of passion. Danny didn’t seem to mind either, because every time Evan cried out, it only made him push inside of him harder and harder, until he could barely breathe. Then Danny stopped . . . It was a terrible and exciting thing all at once, because he knew what was coming, and yet he wanted Danny to continue with his thrusting. He felt Danny hover above him after a moment, kissing him deeply with tongue. Both of them were panting now, face-to-face and quivering with want. Evan arranged his legs and lifted up his butt Danny chuckled huskily and hungrily, kissing Evan before whispering, “I love you.” That was when Danny thrust inside him for the first time. It was better than Evan had thought it would be. Heck, it was probably better than any sex that he had ever had before. Lovemaking had been pleasurable between him and Mike, but it was nothing like this. Every thrust 39

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

drove Evan to such lengths that he was digging his fingers into Danny’s hair and yelling loudly—possibly loud enough to alert the whole floor of their choice of activity. Danny moved inside of him again and again, the only thing hindering their pleasure being the feel of latex inside of him. Their breathing began to match one another’s, and they were so physically and emotionally close that it was like nothing that Evan had experienced before. As Danny came, moaning against him with one final thrust before crumbling on top of him, Evan let out a final cry. “God,” Danny whispered, slick beneath Evan’s fingers. If it had been anyone else, even Mike, then it would have repulsed Evan. Now, though, it was only a sign of the greatest lovemaking he had ever had. “Is it always like that, Evan?” “Having sex with men?” Evan panted into his ear. “Never. Not unless it’s really special.” Danny must have been pleased. He kissed Evan deeply and then nibbled on his bottom lip playfully before rolling to one side. As Evan had experienced in the past, he thought that Danny would get up and clean himself up, like with Mike and many other one-night stands. Instead, Danny gathered Evan in his arms like he had always wanted, and he began to tenderly run his fingers through Evan’s hair in a way that caused tingles to run down his spine. “I love you,” Danny said again, kissing his forehead tenderly. “You say that a lot,” Evan responded, chuckling. “Well, expect to hear it,” Danny said, squeezing him so tightly that some of the air was driven from Evan’s lungs. “I’m going to say it every day for the rest of your life until you believe me.” The words that Danny said took a moment for him to process, but Danny must not have thought anything of the way that he had just promised Evan his “forever” without hesitation. As Danny hummed happily into his ear, still stroking Evan’s hair and back as if he just couldn’t get enough of touching him, Evan started to believe that this really could work, even with the age difference and Dean. Maybe confidence was sexually transmitted 40

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

after all, even with a condom. “Hey, Danny . . .” Evan said softly as Danny tenderly stroked his back now. “Yes?” Danny whispered in response. “I love you too.”

41

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Eight “I’ll tell Dean,” Danny said cheerfully on the plane. “It’s my job as his younger brother.” They were holding hands as if the world couldn’t see them, and though Evan was uncomfortable with the public display of affection, he figured it wasn’t anything worse than what they had done in the hotel room—at least three times a night. Evan had never had so much sex in his entire life. They had done it against the wall, on the floor, in the shower, and on the table next to the television. Evan had spent the entire time during his presentation waddling. One person, the teacher, had even asked him why he was limping. He was “blessed” that the rest of his students were blind. “I suppose that I’ll tell Jane, then,” he said quietly. “Heaven knows that she’s going to be very angry with me.” Danny squeezed his hand. “To hell with them.” Evan rolled his eyes, but smiled. It was very easy to be with Danny, he realized. Evan was the type of person who worried constantly, swinging from one thing to the next with worry about, well, everything. Danny was his polar opposite. I hope that Dean doesn’t think that I corrupted his little brother or something, Evan thought nervously, squeezing Danny’s hand. He wasn’t sure of what to do about that. But as they got off the plane and headed back toward his house, preparing for what was going to be another all-nighter, it was a little hard to think about. **** “Oh no!” Jane cried shrilly over coffee. “You did not—not with Danny. He’s just a kid. Didn’t I warn you?” “You’re the one who told me to find somebody!” Evan said indignantly. They were sitting in his kitchen with coffee and cake, and Jane was acting as though Evan had just announced that he had a sexually transmitted 42

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

disease. Danny was young, yes, but Evan didn’t have control over his feelings. One second they were perfectly under his thumb, the next he was having the time of his life, rolling around on his bed. Honestly, if it weren’t for everyone else, he couldn’t have been happier. Jane, who had been silent for a moment, hissed, “When I told you to find somebody, I didn’t mean to go raid an elementary school, Evan. What the hell? Did you offer him candy?” “That is out of line!” Evan yelled back. This was the worst fight that they had ever had, and his face was getting hot from the exertion of his yelling. Maybe she’s right, Evan thought. Maybe I should break up with Danny. It’s for the best . . . He is young . . . The idea of it stopped his heart. If he thought that losing Mike had been bad, then he had no idea how he was going to take a breakup with Danny. Why did it feel so right when everyone else told him that it was wrong? When Jane exhaled in a way that he associated with one of her rants, Evan flinched away. He expected her to say another cruel thing. Instead, she said softly, “Do you honestly love him, Evan?” Evan nodded. “Then I guess that’s your answer as well as mine,” Jane said gently. “I love you, okay? No matter what happens.” “I love you too,” he said, his mouth dry. “I’m just scared for you, I guess,” Jane said after a moment. “I don’t want to see you act like you did after you lost Mike. I’ve never seen anyone so sad before.” “I’m scared for me too,” he said. For a moment they both drifted off into silence, and then the door behind them banged open, causing them to jump in shock. Danny was back, and he seemed upset about something, because he kept mumbling underneath his breath. When Jane saw him, she made a sound like an angry cat, as if she wanted to run up to him scratching and spitting. Danny didn’t seem to notice, though, because he immediately approached Evan and kissed him on the lips, warm and gooey. For a second Evan hesitated in returning the heat because of Jane, but then he decided that if they were really going to 43

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

be together, then he was going to have to get over the squeamishness about public affection. That’s something that you never did for Mike, he thought. “Are you okay?” Evan asked in concern as Danny’s pulse pounded underneath his skin where Evan cupped his neck. “You seem anxious.” “Nothing I can’t handle,” Danny said nervously. This was not something that Evan liked to hear, but since Jane was at the table, he put on a fake smile and cupped his coffee. Inside, he was bubbling with fear. What if Danny wanted to break up? His heart ached at the thought. He knew that he shouldn’t have entered a relationship with a kid. Maybe Jane had been right. He was a stupid man who was going to— “Don’t wear that face.” Danny interrupted his thoughts, his fingers holding tight to Evan’s shirt. “You look like you’re going to be sick. I told you that everything’s fine. I’ll explain it later.” Jane, however, was already standing up and saying, “Don’t delay on my account. I’m leaving, anyway.” “Already?” Evan asked, jumping to his feet so quickly that he inadvertently stumbled onto Danny’s foot and made him swear. “Oops— sorry, Danny!” “Yes,” Jane said quickly, “but first, I need Danny’s help with something to do with my car. I know that you’re an idiot about these kind of things, Evan, so I know better than to ask you to do it.” “It’s all black to me,” Evan said, though his heart wasn’t in the joke. What did Danny know about cars that he didn’t? Jane was up to something. Jane said without much of the feeling that she normally had, “Ha ha. You coming, Danny? I really, really need your help.” Though Danny hesitated, he eventually followed after her. Evan, wanting to protect Danny from Jane’s sometimes volcanic temper, made an attempt to follow. Danny stopped him with a gentle touch on the shoulder and a lingering kiss that tasted of lemonade. Before he could help himself, his heart pounded hard in his chest. Danny said, “Stay here. Whatever she needs to say, she can say it.” Evan began, “But what if—” “Don’t worry,” Danny replied. “I won’t get eaten. Hopefully.” 44

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

After that, Danny leaned forward and gave him another long kiss. Jane cleared her throat at the threshold of the house, and Evan drew away, his face hot and flushed from the touch. What does she want? he wondered. The minutes went past as he sat on the couch, reading a Braille book even though his fingers weren’t able to transmit any of the information to his brain. It felt like it had been hours, though it had only been minutes, until Danny came bursting back inside, loudly heading over to the couch and plopping down next to him like he usually did. Evan wanted to know what was going on so badly that he was willing to shake it out of Danny. “What did she say?” Evan asked, his jaw tight. “She said that if I hurt you, then she’d pull out my teeth one by one,” Danny said with a laugh. “She also said that you are the most incredible human being on the planet, and that I better step up to the plate if I wanted her respect.” A horrifying feeling filled his stomach. How embarrassing. He was aware that Jane had very severe parental instincts in regard to him, but the fact that she had threatened Danny crossed the line. He had the right to date whomever he wanted, right? Though he told himself to just be flattered because she cared so much, it was hard. He was almost thirty, and Jane was acting as if he were fifteen. The words “I don’t want to see you act like you did after you lost Mike. I’ve never seen anyone so sad before” danced across his brain. He tried to fight them away, and he could only pray that someday he would finally be rid of the doubts that he had because of Mike. Maybe he wasn’t much better than a fifteenyear-old after all. “After all that,” Evan said, “what did you say?” “I told her that if I hurt you, then I’d pull out my own teeth,” Danny said. “I also said that she didn’t need to tell me that you are amazing. I already knew it all along.” Evan was so embarrassed that he had to hide his face to regain his composure. “You didn’t say that to her. You didn’t.” “I did,” Danny replied, pulling Evan’s hands from his face and kissing him deeply. “And you’re sexy when you blush.” 45

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Just as Danny was kissing him again, his fingers exploring up his shirt, Evan battled with his mind and his tingling body. There was something else on his mind, something about the way that Danny had entered the house. He did his best to regain his composure as Danny straddled him. “Wait a second,” Evan said, holding on to Danny’s hands to keep him from going up his shirt. “Why were you so upset when you came in? Was it really all about Jane being here? I didn’t think that she annoyed you that much. In fact, she kind of reminds me of you, just a little.” Danny blew out a sigh. “It’s not about Jane. It’s about my brother.” This shut off Evan’s rising sexuality faster than someone talking about his mother. He became rigid as he was drawn back to the reality of their relationship. He had forgotten how it was not “over the moon,” like in a fairy tale. They still had a major dilemma to face, and that dilemma was his brother. “I tried to tell him about it,” Danny said, “but I wasn’t able to. I was just annoyed with myself, that’s all. Don’t worry. I’ll get around to it.” “You shouldn’t have to tell him alone,” Evan said in response, deep in contemplation. “I should help.” “No!” Danny said so indignantly that he jumped. “I’m sorry. It’s just that it was your job to tell Jane, and I think that it’s only fair that I tell my brother. He’s probably going to be really mad, and I want to calm him down first.” Evan shook his head. “Maybe that’s why it’s better if we tell him together. That way, we can explain it to him. Otherwise, he’ll just think that I seduced you and perverted your clean, though confused, mind.” “My brother wouldn’t think that,” Danny laughed, leaning in to kiss him. “He would think that I screwed up and jumped you. It will be all my fault, just you watch.” “Your brother loves you, Danny,” Evan said softly. “He doesn’t think about you in that way. That is why we’ll tell him together.” “Well, I don’t think that he’ll believe that you seduced me either,” Danny responded. “Well, then, what will he think?” Both of them let out deep sighs, and Danny slid away, laying his head on 46

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Evan’s lap. After the two of them had sat in silence for a few minutes, Danny said, “Why does this have to be so hard?” Evan smiled sadly. “Starting to regret it?” That was when Danny flew into the sitting position so quickly that Evan’s mouth fell open. Danny was always like that—surprising him with his fast and animallike tendencies. It was as if Danny were still primeval. After that, Danny cupped Evan’s face in his hands and kissed him so deeply that Evan had to grasp at Danny’s back for support. The two of them broke apart a moment later, panting with passion. Danny gathered Evan into his arms and breathed outward. “I’ll never regret it,” Danny said sharply. “Not ever. I love you too much.”

47

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Nine Evan had a lot of alcohol at the ready, just in case. He had vodka and tequila and all of Dean’s favorites, and he had also prepared pasta. An extremely nervous feeling bubbled in his stomach, much like he marinara sauce that was on the stove, and he wished he had Valium to calm himself down. It didn’t help that Danny was pacing back and forth, torn between two extremes. “It’s going to be all right!” Danny would cry loudly and excitably, bouncing into the room like a rubber ball. After that, he would grin and give Evan a big kiss. That was until, five to ten minutes later, a more logical side of his brain would kick in, and he would slump in once more, saying, “He’s going to kill me. I don’t know what I’m going to say to him.” At the moment, Danny was currently in the middle of the latter stage and was pacing back and forth in the hallway in front of the kitchen. Evan was way less flippant about his emotions; he was permanently stuck in horror mode. After all, he had learned that not everyone could handle news like this well. Though Dean had been okay with the fact that Evan liked men, he was protective of Danny to the point of lunacy. No matter what Dean said, he was a typical older brother who just wanted what was best for Danny. And I’m not so sure that I’m what counts as what is best, he thought. Evan shuddered, pouring himself a glass of wine and chugging it down. There was nothing else for him to do. He preferred a more normal approach than Danny, who was acting as though he were five seconds away from leaping out a window. Danny’s behavior was not comforting to him. “You know,” Evan said after a moment, “it’s really okay if you decide not to tell him. You can just keep working for me. We can talk about how it’s going really well with you here, and that will be that. No one needs to know more than they have to.” That was when Danny came pounding loudly around the corner in another one of his sprinting spells. He collided with Evan so hard that it 48

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

knocked the air out of his lungs, but the initial impact was stopped by Danny’s strong arms. Danny was amazing. He was strong, and while he was still immature, there was a sweetness to him that Evan could not ignore. “I want to tell him,” Danny said. “Don’t you? I mean, it doesn’t matter what he says. I still want us to be together.” “I just don’t want to damage your relationship with your brother,” Evan said. “You’re a runner, huh?” Danny replied. For a second, Evan paused, wondering what Danny was talking about. After all, Danny had said that out of nowhere. Of course I’m not a runner, he thought. Since when has Danny ever seen me—oh! “I most certainly am not! I am very stable in a crisis. I would never run away from a problem,” Evan said. “Why would you think that?” Danny replied, “Calm down.” “Five seconds ago you acted like you were going to jump off of a bridge . . .” Evan muttered in response, but then he saw Danny’s point and breathed. Maybe he was a bit of a “runner” after all. As Danny held Evan close, Evan shut his eyes and exhaled. His heart was speeding up even more, but for an entirely different reason. He tried to fight away the sexual urges that were quickly rising. He did not want to greet Dean with a hard-on. He was in the middle of leaning forward for a kiss when a voice said, “I had no idea that you two were so close.” Both of them leapt apart so quickly that Danny ran into the counter, swearing in pain. Dean was here. It wasn’t so surprising that he had entered without knocking. Dean was practically family, and he had been invited for dinner. In fact, Dean’s comfort of entering someone else’s space so easily must have been genetic, because Danny had done the same thing when he had been introduced to Evan’s penis for the first time. Don’t think of it, Evan thought, feeling his face get as hot as a fire. He did his best to grin as Dean padded into the kitchen and took a wineglass from Danny. All of them were silent after that, which was rare since Danny and Dean were both very talkative. 49

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

“So,” Dean said after a moment, “I hope that my brother isn’t being too troublesome for you. I know that he thinks that everyone likes to hear that terrible thing he calls music.” “My music is great!” Danny argued as Evan stopped to grab his glass and refill. Snorting into his wineglass, Evan felt his tension slacken as drunkenness took over. Already, his problems were slipping away on a slide of alcoholic buzz. He was starting to get more comfortable, enjoying being a bystander as Dean ranted on about Danny’s habits, when Dean took it upon himself to make a very terrible subject change. One that made his blood run cold. “Speaking of terrible things,” Dean said as a closing to his and Danny’s argument about music, “I ran into Mike the other day at the grocery store. As it turns out, he just got back from graduate school in New York. Can you believe it?” “Sure,” Evan said uncomfortably as Dean prattled on without understanding that Evan’s “sure” was the type that meant “You better drop this subject before I kill you.” Danny, who had never heard of Mike before, said, “Who’s Mike?” “It doesn’t concern you,” Dean said quickly, wiping away Danny’s question as if it were a fly. “Anyway, I talked to him, and he looks great. You know, he wants to meet you again, maybe talk about some things. I told him that I’d give you his number.” Shaking, Evan took the piece of paper that Dean thrust at him, and he ran his fingers over it. He couldn’t read it, but he needn’t try. He didn’t want to call Mike. He didn’t need to in order to hear his voice. Already, he could make out the familiar words ringing in his ears that he had heard a thousand times already, and he didn’t like it. In fact, he was queasy in a way that had nothing to do with the wine. Danny was at his side, and he grappled his hand as if trying to be a life preserver, but it was too late. Already, he was gone. Dean must have finally realized that he had done something terrible, because he was silent as Evan grasped at the table with his free hand. I’m over this, Evan thought. I am over 50

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

this. Why does his name still make me feel like shit? Dean said gently and apologetically, “I’m sorry, Evan. I thought that you were okay with things now. He acted like he wanted to get back together, and he seemed more mature now than he was back then. I guess that I wasn’t thinking about it.” “It’s fine,” Evan said softly. “Seriously. I just need to sit down for a second. Danny, take me to the couch?” Immediately, Danny held on to his arm as Dean cleared his throat in surprise. The two of them were holding hands, and Danny was so close that not even a centimeter was between them, but Dean still had not caught on yet. At the moment, Evan didn’t care. He could handle Dean. He could handle anybody but Mike, who always got the last word in again and again. It felt like it took forever to make it to the couch, and he sat down, leaning backward against the velvet cushions. Danny sat beside him, placing a hand on Evan’s knee in a possessive manner that should have told Dean all that he needed to know. Still, Dean did not understand. Dean merely walked into the room and said, “You two seem awfully close. Looks like I was wrong about you being mismatched.” To this, Danny said nothing. He was still focusing on Evan as he said, “Who is Mike, Evan? I want to know this stuff.” “No.” Evan shook his head. “It’s in the past.” “It is obviously not in the past. You’re so pale that you could be a ghost!” Danny cried indignantly. That was when Danny made the fatal mistake of also saying, “If I’m supposed to be your lover, then why don’t you tell me things!” Both of them went very still at that moment. Evan felt Dean’s presence before him, and he honestly was not the slightest bit surprised when Dean grabbed him by his collar and forced him upward, hanging him like a cat. With a yelp of shock, Danny leapt up too and managed to get in between them. All three of them were breathing so heavily that the air smelled of stale breath. “You did something to my brother!” yelled Dean indignantly. “I never cared that you were gay, but how could you turn someone who was going 51

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

through a hard time into someone like—well—someone like you.” Evan didn’t say a word, like usual. The sting was more than he had expected it to be. Someone like you, he thought. He had known that it would go this way. “Don’t talk like that to him,” Danny said. “I love him. This isn’t his fault. I pushed myself on him, not the other way around.” “Because he confused you!” Dean responded. “Yeah, right,” Danny said. “You know that Evan isn’t capable of doing something like that. You’re just mad because once again I’ve failed you. What was it that you wanted me to do? Get married, go to college, have the perfect job, and then make little babies? Well, maybe that isn’t what I want.” Dean was breathing so heavily that Evan was strongly reminded of a bull that he had once heard at the fairgrounds. No one spoke for a moment. Evan half expected Dean to come flying at him again, another seemingly genetic trait, but he didn’t. Instead, Dean whipped around and disappeared for a moment before storming back into the living room again. “If that’s how you two want to play it,” Dean hissed as he stormed around, “then so be it. He can even move in here with you, Evan, because he sure as hell is no longer staying with me.” After that, Dean slammed the door so hard on its hinges that Evan could feel the vibrations through the wall. He felt sick to the point that he wanted to find the nearest toilet. Though he had imagined that it would be bad, he hadn’t thought that it would be this bad. He had hoped that their friendship would at least hang by a small string instead of being cut completely. Guess it was too much to expect, he thought, grabbing at Danny’s arm. Evan breathed. “I guess . . . I’m glad that’s over.” Danny was quiet for a moment. “Danny?” Evan asked in confusion. “Evan, tell me who Mike is,” Danny said. “What?” Evan cried, startled by the sudden change in direction. Danny had just had his brother screaming at him, and he was worried about Mike? Already, Evan felt his stomach plummet even farther, when he hadn’t thought it could. “What does Mike have to do with this?” 52

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

“Everything, apparently,” Danny replied. “I just took shit from my brother to be with you. At the very least, you can tell me why you looked sick the moment that you heard his name. We’re really lovers, aren’t we? Well, I want to know everything about you.” For a moment Evan hesitated. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell Danny, but after all that had just happened, it was as though he was frozen in time. He opened his mouth for a second, and all that came out was air. Evan didn’t need to see in order to know what kind of face Danny was making. “Fine,” Danny cried. He was so much like his brother that it was chilling. “That’s just great, Evan. What the hell . . . ?” Not him too, Evan thought desperately, his stomach cramping. Stop him, you idiot! But as Danny stormed away, he was nothing but silent.

53

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Ten Evan worked himself so hard that his fingers felt like they might just break off. He didn’t take time for friends or phone calls, even though Jane had called him sixty times at least. Instead, he clattered away at another project, ignoring all rumbles of hunger or traces of thirst. In fact, he had even begun to lose track of days since Danny had stormed out of his house, leaving him all alone. A part of him wanted to go after Danny, to tell him that Mike meant nothing, but he was afraid of what Danny might say. He was afraid of so many things lately. That was why work was easier. Work didn’t bite or hurt the heart. Work didn’t make him feel sick to his stomach. Instead, he could just disappear under piles and piles of information, drowning him as he read Braille or planned his next presentations for the kids. He would tell the blind children all about how they could live a happy life while not really believing it himself. That was a part of living, he decided. It wasn’t like he could march into their classroom and say, “You better just throw up your hands in defeat, because now that you’re blind, you’re pretty much fucked.” Previously there had been rare moments when he felt sorry for himself or wished that he were someone else. He had always thought that there were much worse things than being blind. It was just that he had never figured that being blind and alone went hand in hand together. Maybe they did. His cell phone rang in his pocket, and he pulled it out, pressing the button to receive the call. He pushed it against his ear and heard Jane say, “Evan, why the hell do you keep ignoring me when I call you? Evan!” With the sound of a screaming baby in the background, Jane continued to shriek at him until he turned off the phone. What had he been hoping for when he picked up? Deep down, he knew that he longed for Danny. He wanted Danny to call him and tell him that he was sorry for storming out on him, but as it had been a week already, Evan had come to terms with the fact that Danny was not coming back. It’s just as well, Evan thought indignantly, returning to typing up a proposal on his special keyboard. If his so-called love was that weak, then he was 54

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

just all talk, anyway. But that did not change the way that his heart felt. As he disappeared into his work, he soon was jolted from his words by the sound of the door opening downstairs. He jumped to his feet as quickly as he could, then trotted over to the door of his office and opened it. Before he could stop himself, he called out, “Danny!” The footsteps downstairs were not Danny’s, though. Evan knew that much. They were Jane’s. Danny would never click-clack across his floor. “Jesus!” Jane yelled from down below. “Holy shit, Evan! Have you been eating? Have you been drinking?” Evan cringed at the insult. “I’m fine, Jane. I’ve just been busy.” “You are not fine,” she said, stomping up the stairs. “I’ve seen African orphans that have better physical health than you do.” “Why are you here?” Evan asked sharply, ignoring the comment and hitting the heart of the matter. “I’m not two years old. I don’t need someone to look after me all the time.” Jane sucked in air and then said, “I’m here because I’m your friend, you asshole. Now shut up and let me have a look at you properly.” Jane didn’t “have a look at him,” though. Instead, she walked forward and hugged him, and before he could stop himself, he felt tears trickle down his face. It was embarrassing, but Jane had seen him cry before. She was like the mother he had never really had. After all, his real mother had left him when he was six years old. “What happened?” Jane whispered. “Danny dumped me,” Evan said, leaning his head against her hair. “It was my own fault. I should have talked to him about Mike, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. He stormed out of here and never came back. Dean hates me now too.” “That scum-sucking—” Jane hissed. “I told you that it was my fault!” Evan said quickly, in fear that she was going to kill Danny. “I should have . . . said something, I guess.” “I warned him,” Jane responded, patting Evan on his head. “I warned him.” “Yeah, but you warned me too,” Evan replied sadly, hanging his head. 55

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Though he expected Jane to say, “Yeah, I did!” she didn’t do anything of the sort. Instead, she squeezed him so tightly that the air choked out of him, and he held her back, trying to fight the terrible feelings within him. This was just what he needed, short of having Danny back, but there was nothing that he could do about that. “You’re just too softhearted,” Jane replied quietly, holding him. “I know that. You love bad men.” “Danny wasn’t bad,” Evan said darkly. “I’m just not worth it. I’m too much work, I think. I’m blind and had a fucked-up childhood—” That was when Jane took a step back and shook him until his teeth clacked together. He was so shocked that he almost stumbled into the wall. Luckily, he regained his footing at the last moment and blinked at her. “Evan Cunningham Williams,” Jane said in a tone that she used when she was scolding Frank, “I have never heard a sorrier act of self-pity in my life. You are an amazing person, and it’s just about high time that you start believing it. You have a fantastic job that people with sight would kill to have, and your nonfiction titles on blindness have rocked this world. You know why you are attracting such jerky men? Because you act like you deserve to be kicked. Here’s what we’re going to do, Evan. Instead of leaving you here to feel sorry for yourself, I’m going to take you out, and you are going to drink too much and flirt up a storm. Work some of that Evan magic, but instead of using it on kids, I want you to use it on Mr. Right.” “But what if Danny was Mr. Right?” Evan asked timidly. “Evan,” Jane said in the same threatening voice she had used before. “Yes, ma’am,” he responded quickly, turning around to head to his shower. **** Somewhere between the shower, Jane’s quick-spirited temper, and a large meal, Evan started to feel more energized. He was still brokenhearted, though, and walked toward the bar with Jane, feeling sick to his stomach, but he at least had a full stomach and something to distract himself from his 56

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

pain. He now understood why some people turned toward alcohol. It was so much easier to function while not focusing. They entered a wild bar that jostled Evan and confused him. This was why he didn’t like going out to such places. Because he couldn’t see, his hearing was very strong and could pick up things that most people missed. In a loud, booming bar, he really couldn’t make out a thing. “This way,” Jane said tenderly, holding his hand and yanking him through people. He accidentally stepped on someone’s foot, and they said, “Ouch!” loudly in his ear. “Come on, Evan. Come on.” Evan finally found solitude on a cushy barstool and sat down. The bartender served him a tequila, which he chugged down and asked for more immediately. Jane sighed audibly enough to be heard even over the music, but he ignored her. He was here to drink more than he was to meet somebody. That was when Jane disappeared. Immediately, he began to panic, wondering where she could have run off to so fast. He couldn’t find his way out of here on his own. At least, not without stepping on at least thirty people in the process and possibly getting beaten up. He hadn’t brought his cane. Nothing was a worse advertisement of blindness in a nightclub. Luckily, Jane returned. Unluckily, she said, “Evan, I want you to meet Riley. He’s from New Mexico and enjoys bowling and golf.” Immediately, Evan felt sick to his stomach again, and it had nothing to do with alcohol. Jane allowed Riley to sit on her stool directly in front of him, and she sat behind him, whispering in his ear, “He’s really, really good looking. Not that you can tell. Come on, Evan.” But Evan didn’t feel like putting any effort into flirting with a guy who was probably more interested in having sex and then leaving him in the morning. He did his best to smile, though he was certain that it was obvious he was just going through the motions. “Your friend told me that you go around teaching kids about blindness,” Riley said loudly over the music. His voice was far deeper than Danny’s and 57

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

had no playful edge. “That’s so great that you do that.” “Right,” Evan said loudly back, his fingers tapping nervously on the bar counter. “And what do you do, Riley?” “I’m a rock climber,” Riley responded. “I teach lessons during the day.” Just when Evan was about to open his mouth, his phone buzzed his butt. Evan smiled, grateful for the interruption, and pulled out the phone without thinking. He pressed it to his ear, expecting a message from a telemarketer or phone provider, when instead he heard a familiar voice. The familiar voice that he had been desperate to hear ever since last week. It was Danny. “Evan,” Danny said into his ear, barely audible over the music. Evan still heard him all the same. “It’s me. I’m outside your house. Will you let me in? We need to talk.” “Danny, I’m so sorry!” Evan said quickly and loudly. “I wanted to—hey!” Quicker than a hummingbird’s wing, Jane seized the phone from him and danced away when he tried to get it back. Evan was so desperate that he made a wild grab, but missed. He should have known better than to try. Between the loud music and his blindness, he had no idea where Jane really was. I can’t believe this, Evan thought. He’s finally calling me. I’m going to kill Jane, if only I could see her in order to do it. Jane said into the phone, “You can’t talk to him. Remember what I told you before about you breaking his heart? Well Evan looks like shit because of you.” For a moment there was silence, and Evan hit his head on the bar, muttering underneath his breath. To his surprise, Riley patted his arm in a kindly manner, something that Evan would not have expected of a man in a bar. He had thought that they were all after one-night stands, which was why he avoided the “bar game” to begin with. “Nuh-uh,” Jane continued. “He’s at a gay bar, and he’s going to meet somebody a thousand times better than you. In fact, somebody’s got his eye on him already.” Jane hung up the phone and slid it back over to him. There were many things that Evan could have said to her at that moment: “I’m going to kill you” 58

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

or “Jane, you were way out of line.” Instead, he settled for stony silence and sipped his drink. Maybe I should just drink myself to death, he thought. “I can’t believe that he had the nerve to call you now,” Jane muttered. After that, she said to Riley, “I’m sorry about that. Men troubles. I’m sure that you understand.” “Yeah, I do,” Riley said quietly, patting Evan’s shoulder again. “In fact, that’s why I’m here. I was with some friends. My boyfriend of five years broke up with me four months ago. I didn’t really know what to do with myself.” “See!” Jane said, elbowing Evan. Though Evan was shocked too, he wished that she would stop elbowing him in the ribs. He had a feeling that he was going to get a bruise. He turned back toward Riley, gripping his drink so hard that it made his knuckles ache. He did his best to smile, though it was hard. “Uh,” Evan said, “I know that it’s not my place, but why would somebody dump you? You seem like a nice guy, and Jane says that you’re attractive. I know that I can’t say that for myself, because I’m as blind as a bat.” Riley replied, “Something about his dad not liking me or something. Honestly, I think that it was his way of saying that he found somebody else.” “Bastard,” Evan half burped. “Oh yeah,” Riley said. The two of them were soon bonding over drinks. Jane had never seemed more pleased and left the two of them alone for a little while. Evan knew that he wouldn’t be able to take Riley seriously as a partner after some of the things the two of them had shared about their relationship problems, but they had the makings of a pair of great drinking friends. The two of them had worked their way through an entire bottle of Jack Daniel’s and were starting on another when Evan tilted violently to the right, having to be supported by Riley in order to stop his fall. Riley’s arm was strong as he held him steady, and Evan squirmed, attempting to make himself straighter, but failing. That was when Riley chuckled and leaned in closer. 59

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

“You are a great friend,” Evan said drunkenly. “This sure has been fun, eh?” Riley responded, “Oh yeah. If I had met you at another time, it would be different. I would have totally approached you. Your friend is funny, though . . . She is sure going to be disappointed when I don’t fuck your brains out.” Evan chuckled. “Uh-huh. She sure will be.” The two of them burst into hysterical laughter, but before he knew it, Evan was crying. He wasn’t sure when the line had been crossed between the “fun drunk” and the “emotional drunk,” but now he was on the other side. Big fat tears were streaming down his face, and his bottom lip quivered and stuck out prominently. “Shit,” Evan groaned, wiping at his face clumsily and almost falling off the barstool again. “I’m so sorry.” “Nah,” Riley said, attempting to dab at his eye with a bar napkin and ending up getting his eyebrow instead. “Two weeks after my boyfriend left me, all I did was cry. After that I ate a lot, and then I got all out of shape and couldn’t climb.” “That’s so fucking sad,” Evan said as Riley attempted to dab at his face again, this time hitting his ear. That was when several people behind Evan yelled, “Hey! What the hell, dude?” Evan paused, turning around even though he knew that he couldn’t see anything. Riley had his hand on Evan’s arm, and he was breathing heavily, which was audible even over the pounding music. A familiar voice said, “What the hell did you do to him? I’m going to kick your ass!” It was Danny. How Danny had managed to pick this gay bar out of all the others was beyond him, but he had a feeling that Riley was about to get a very fat lip because of Jane’s drinking invitation. Evan stepped forward, attempting to shield Riley and explain, but he tripped into Danny out of drunkenness. Danny’s chest was hot and comforting, just like he remembered it. After that, he started crying even more. I’m never drinking again, he inwardly wailed. 60

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

“Evan,” Danny said, wrapping his arm around Evan’s shoulder. Riley was moving loudly behind them. He was surprisingly fast for someone so drunk, but the threat of getting punched out would do that to anyone. Riley said, “So you must be the infamous Danny that Evan has been going on about all evening.” “Huh?” Danny growled. “You weren’t hitting on him? Didn’t you upset him?” “Of course not!” Riley responded loudly over the music. Though Evan was blind, he knew that every head in the bar had to have been pointing in their direction. “He was crying over you. Do you honestly think that he looks like he’s in any state to be barhopping? Evan, take my number if you want to rock climb, and I’ll see you later. Good luck.” A piece of paper was shoved into Evan’s back pocket, but he was too busy gripping tightly onto Danny’s shirt to care or notice. Danny wrapped his other arm around Evan’s waist now, steadying him because Evan was very close to falling over again. Both of them were breathing heavily. “I’m so sorry,” Evan moaned. “No, I’m sorry,” Danny replied. “I overreacted again and then couldn’t face up to calling you. I shouldn’t have let it get this far over something so stupid.” “I’ll tell you about Mike.” Evan leaned forward and pressed himself against Danny’s ear so that they could talk over the music. “I’ll tell you all about—” “Don’t bother,” Danny said. “My brother and I made up. He told me all about what that asshole said to you. It’s no wonder that you were so embarrassed after that.” “He told you,” Evan said. “Yep,” Danny responded, kissing Evan’s forehead. “I’m sorry, Evan. He sounds like a real asshole.” “He is.” The two of them were cuddling together even more, and Evan finally made his tears stop. He leaned his head against Danny’s chest, shutting his eyes and inhaling his scent. It had been so long since he had caught the smell 61

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

of Danny. It was wonderful and indescribable. I’ve missed this, Evan thought. I missed it so much. That was when another voice joined their party. Jane had arrived and said, “Took you long enough, you big baboon. What kept you?” “You did it on purpose!” Danny practically howled. “How could you do that? You should have at least told me the name of the club. Did you know that there are twenty-one gay bars in this town? I’ve been to six of them already, looking for Evan.” “If you wanted to stop Evan bad enough, then you would have come for him regardless of that,” Jane said smugly. “And if you didn’t, then at least Evan had someone nice to cuddle up with.” Her words reached through Evan’s drunken stupor. He lifted his head from Danny’s chest, and his mouth dropped open. He couldn’t believe that she had been that manipulative. “Jane, you did all that?” Evan asked. “Heaven knows you wouldn’t do it yourself,” Jane retorted. “You were just too pitiful. Don’t make me do that again. It’s not my job to babysit you anymore. I have my own son to look after.” For a moment they paused, hearing the sound of the pounding music behind them. The room was strangely empty of talking, though. Evan had a feeling that everyone was listening to their dilemma. “Jane,” Danny finally said, “thank you.” “Are you going to spend the whole night standing around in some bar, or what?”

62

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Eleven The hot water caused a fog around him, but it cleared his head of the alcoholic stupor. He turned around, feeling slightly dizzy, when a very large somebody jumped into the shower with him, giving him a start. Danny was back. “I thought that it would be better if I took a shower with you,” Danny said as the heat whirled around them. He was already reaching forward to stroke Evan’s hair. “I wouldn’t want you to fall over and crack your head open.” Evan raised an eyebrow. “I doubt that that would happen. Right now, my clumsiness is fading away to a headache that could kill a horse.” “Hmmm,” Danny said gently. “Maybe if I rub your head, then it will go away.” “I don’t think that will work,” Evan replied. Already, though, Danny was tenderly stroking the skin on Evan’s temple, and he began to move his hands in sensual circles. Strangely, it did work, though in more than one way. Evan didn’t think that his body could have reacted in more of an extreme even if Danny had started rubbing his other head. Evan moaned as Danny moved on from his temple to his hair. His fingers were nimble things, running through his locks again and again and causing his heart to pound. It was enough to make him barely recognize his headache or his drunken problem. Mike had never done such things. No one had ever done such things. With a moan, he shut his eyes and leaned his head against Danny’s chest. It felt so good that he wanted to cry again. “Evan,” Danny said after a moment as he caressed him, “I’m really an idiot. I missed you a lot this week. More than I’ve ever missed anyone, even my own parents.” Evan sighed. “I missed you too, Danny.” Though Evan was drunk and had a pounding headache, he did not decline Danny’s passionate kiss. Danny put in so much power that Evan was pushed against the back of the shower, and he had to grip the side for 63

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

support. To his surprise, Danny wrapped his arm around him. “Trust me,” Danny said lovingly, then kissed him even more deeply. “I won’t let you fall over, no matter how drunk you are.” Evan hesitated for a moment before wrapping both of his arms around Danny’s neck. It was a good thing that Evan was so thin, because Danny hoisted him up so that his legs were wrapped around Danny’s waist and his back was against the wall. The two of them were facing each other, and Evan was smiling. Evan said honestly, “I’ve never wished that I could see as much as I have during these months with you. I want to see all of your expressions and know when you’re happy or mad.” “Don’t feel bad,” Danny said tenderly, kissing him once more with the water pouring over them. “I’m blind too.” Evan blinked. He must have made a funny expression, because Danny chuckled deeply and nibbled playfully on his bottom lip. After that, Danny said, “I’m blinded by you. I get mad when other guys are around. You’re the only person that I see.” At that moment, Evan was so overwhelmed by emotion that he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to laugh or cry. Instead, he settled for leaning forward and giving Danny a deep, lingering kiss. Danny pushed his tongue into his mouth, and the two of them remained like that for a moment, getting heated up. Evan felt his body react, and he realized that he was getting hard. It didn’t take a superman, or even a man who could see, to note that Danny also had an erection. Already, he could feel it on his leg, hard and hot. The two of them kissed again, and Evan moved one of his free hands down Danny’s chest and body. Danny had such nice muscles. One thing that Evan did notice, though, was that Danny was thinner than the last time that they had made love. His chest was no longer as full, and any trace of stomach was gone. It seemed like Evan wasn’t the only one who had been surrounded by his own misery. Danny leaned forward, nibbling on Evan’s ear before licking it playfully. Evan squirmed, wanting desperately to get out of the shower so that they 64

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

could make love properly, but Danny stopped him. “I don’t think that you’ll be able to fit inside of me like this,” Evan said honestly, leaning forward and kissing him deeply again. When they broke apart, they were panting. “I’ve got all of my things by the bed.” “We don’t need your things.” Danny chuckled. “Plus, I think that you’ll be bad enough tomorrow without a crooked walk to add to it.” Evan smiled playfully. “Then what do you suggest we do, all things considered?” Danny chuckled. By the way that Danny’s fingers curved along Evan’s waist, he knew what he wanted to do. In fact, Evan knew what he wanted to do too, but sometimes it was just more fun to ask. With a wicked grin, Evan took a hold of Danny’s erection and used his fingers to feel and to see. In his head, he could make out the bulging veins and the large, soft, mushroomlike tip. As he gently squeezed the tip, a bit of hot liquid poured onto his fingers. After that, he stroked down underneath Danny’s penis, using the tip of his finger to tickle him. He had planned to go on like this for a while, just torturing Danny, but Danny had another plan. He threw his weight into Evan, making it so both of them would have to brace themselves against the shower in order to keep from falling down, and reached forward taking Evan into his hands. “Together,” Danny panted to him, his body heaving. The two of them started out slow. Evan had a hard time concentrating with Danny’s abnormally hot hands running up and down his penis, making him shiver. They both matched each other’s rhythms and moaned in time, breathing so heavily that even the shower’s noise could not mask it. That was when a loud clanking sound came from his shower. Evan was so startled that he almost dropped to the floor, but Danny kept him erect in more than one way. This did not change the fact, though, that Evan’s old, clunky water heater had run out of energy and was now feeding them freezing water. “Hurry,” Danny breathed, though it was only his head that was getting hit by the cold jewels of water. “Let’s finish. It hurts to stop.” Evan didn’t need to be told twice. Reaching forward, he began to run his 65

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

fingers up and down Danny’s erection much more quickly and roughly. Danny did the same to him. Soon, both of their bodies were moving together, filling the bathroom with noises once more. It wasn’t long until both of them came with a splat. After they were done, they both leaned together while panting, though they were no longer hot. In fact, Danny was shivering, and the cold leakage from the loose showerhead had been delivering Evan a freezing trickle as well. “God,” Danny said, slowly easing Evan downward. Evan almost slipped on the wet floor. He had forgotten how the world seemed to be moving of its own accord due to his drunkenness. “That was amazing, but let’s get out of here. It’s cold.” Both of them hopped from the shower, shivering. Afterward, they toweldried each other and fell into bed together, exhausted.

66

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Chapter Twelve The next morning the loud sound of the phone ringing awoke Evan from his slumber, and he didn’t like it one bit. His head felt like an egg that had been cracked open and scrambled. He could scarcely think. “Danny?” Evan asked, sitting up bleary-eyed as the ringing continued. “Danny, where the hell are you?” That was when he caught the scent of bacon and coffee downstairs. Danny must have been making breakfast, something that smelled as repulsive to him as fresh vomit. Danny would not answer the phone for him. Grimacing, Evan reached over and grabbed the phone, and then he pressed it to his ear and said, “‘Lo?” The person at the other end was yelling so loudly that Evan had to hold the receiver a foot away from his ear for him to be able to listen without cringing. Even in a healthy state, the person was too loud. Strangely, though, he could swear that he had heard the voice before. At least, a form of it, anyway. He focused harder on the person who was yelling at him, who was currently mid-rant. “The next time that you decide to send a boyfriend after me,” the person was saying, “I’ll have the authorities involved. That son of a bitch broke my nose. I should have you—” That was when it clicked. He figured out who had a voice like that. It was Mike, the man who had broken his heart. Had Danny gone and sought revenge on his behalf, even though he hadn’t asked him to? “—arrested. Don’t you know that—” “Mike!” Evan said loudly over Mike’s yelling. “Calm down. I didn’t send a guy after you. What the hell are you talking about?” There was the sound of heavy breathing on the other end of the line, and Evan pressed the phone to his ear, thinking that it was now safe to at least have some sort of conversation. He listened carefully to Mike’s voice, the one that had once filled his heart with warmth, and he realized that now he had no affection for it whatsoever. He smiled. He was truly Danny’s now. “Some young kid came to my apartment and said that he knew you,” 67

Blinded by You

Penelope Rivers

Mike said once he had recovered from his rage. “I let him in, thinking that maybe he would give me your number so that we could meet up. After that, the guy punched me in the face and called me an asshole and ran away. I don’t know what his problem was.” “Maybe he was blinded by his rage.” Evan chuckled. “I see that you’ve never gotten tired of those jokes of yours,” Mike replied, sounding less than amused. “You didn’t send that guy after me?” Evan smiled even more widely. “Nope. He did that all on his own.” “Well . . . I guess . . . if you didn’t do it, then I suppose I can talk to you,” Mike said stiffly. “How about you and I meet? I’ve been meaning to talk to you about some things.” “Yeah,” Evan said, scratching his face. “I heard something about that from Dean.” “Then why didn’t you call? Somebody like you isn’t seeing anybody, are you?” Somebody like me, huh? Evan thought, shaking his head. Even with the mounting headache that made his brain feel like a milkshake, he had the answer that he needed. With no hesitation, he said, “Somebody like me? Well, you know what? I may be blind, but everybody is in some way. That kid was blinded by rage, and you’re blinded because you’re an inconsiderate asshole. At least my problem comes with a cool dog.” “Wait!” Mike said on the other end of the phone. “Evan, what—” Evan hung up the phone and swayed to his feet. After that, he trotted down to the kitchen, where Danny awaited him with a cup of coffee and an aspirin. It was at that moment he knew that his kind of blindness wasn’t so bad after all.

The End

68

TuÉâà à{x Tâà{ÉÜ Penelope Rivers is an erotic novelist of M/M romance novels and short stories. A hopeless dreamer, she spends her day thinking about all things fantasy, romantic and not. It is her view that when you start choking on the occasionally dry bread of life, you need something sinfully delicious to chase it down with. Currently, she lives in Utah with an abnormal amount of pets.