50 Activities for Conflict Resolution

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Group Learning and Self Development Exercises Jonamay Lambert and Selma Myers

Published by Human Resource Development Press, Inc.

© 1999 by Jonamay Lambert and Selma Myers The materials that appear in this book, other than those quoted from prior sources, may be reproduced for educational/training activities. There is no requirement to obtain special permission for such uses. We do, however, ask that the following statement appear on all reproductions: Reproduced from 50 Activities for Conflict Resolution, by Jonamay Lambert and Selma Myers. Amherst, Massachusetts: HRD Press, 1999.

This permission statement is limited to reproduction of materials for educational or training events. Systematic or large-scale reproduction or distribution—or inclusion of items in publications for sale—may be carried out only with prior written permission from the publisher.

Published by HRD Press 22 Amherst Road Amherst, MA 01002 1-800-822-2801 (U.S. and Canada) 1-413-253-3490 (FAX) 1-413-253-3488 http://www.hrdpress.com

ISBN 0-87425-498-1 Production services by Clark Riley Cover design by Eileen Klockars Editorial Services by Robie Grant and Suzanne Bay

Table of Contents Workshop Activities

About the Authors .......................................................................................................... v Preface.............................................................................................................................. vii Introduction .................................................................................................................... ix

Part 1 I. Exploring Conflict Defining Conflict: Where Do You Stand? .......................................................... 1 Two Responses to Conflict: Fight or Flight ...................................................... 5 How Can We Both Win? A Quick Demonstration .......................................... 7 II. Know Yourself Individual Conflict Styles: A Zoological Approach ........................................ Identifying Helpful Communication Styles ...................................................... I Lose—You Lose ................................................................................................... Approaches to Conflict: Role Play Demonstration......................................... When Conflict Creates Stress, Don’t Just Stand There! .................................. Introduction to Listening: A Self Inventory......................................................

11 13 15 17 23 25

III. Understanding Conflict Tug of War or Peace.............................................................................................. Red Flags ................................................................................................................ Benefits and Barriers: Exploring Third-Party Intervention ........................... Mismatched? Are You Reading the Nonverbal Clues? .................................... Constructive or Destructive Conflict: Lessons to Be Learned .......................

31 33 35 37 41

IV. Values and Perceptions Gaining a Different Perspective.......................................................................... Assumptions: Who Needs ‘Em?........................................................................... The Big Bad Wolf. Or Is It? ................................................................................. Portrait of a Peacemaker .....................................................................................

45 47 49 53

V. Resolving Conflict Situations What Kind of Question Is That?......................................................................... Brainstorming: The Case of the Stolen Account............................................... Resistance . . . Options to the Rescue! ............................................................... Listening for the Other Person’s Point of View: Paraphrasing ..................... Third-Party Mediation......................................................................................... Formulating Clear Agreements ........................................................................... Curbside Conflict Resolution ..............................................................................

59 61 65 69 71 77 79

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution

Independent Study Part 2 Introduction to the Back of the Book . . . Self-Development .................................. 85 I. Exploring Conflict Early Takes on Conflict ....................................................................................... Exploring Sources of Conflict ............................................................................. Self-Assessment in Dealing with Differences................................................... Analyzing a Conflict: Is It Worth Getting Into? .............................................

89 91 95 97

II. Know Yourself The Role of Values in Conflict Resolution........................................................ 101 In the Heat of the Moment .................................................................................. 103 Which Conflict Resolution Style Is Yours? ...................................................... 105 How to Deal with Hot Buttons .......................................................................... 109 III. Understanding Conflict Resolving a Conflict through Planning............................................................. 113 Why People Avoid Dealing with Conflict Resolution.................................... 115 Four Conflict Resolution Styles: When to Use Each....................................... 117 Mediation: Test Your Knowledge ....................................................................... 121 IV. Values and Perceptions Evaluating Your Conflict Resolution Skills..................................................... 127 First Thoughts about Others: “Perception IQ” Quiz...................................... 129 The Ideal Peacemaker: Can You Imagine That?............................................... 133 V. Resolving Conflict Situations Uncovering the Hidden Agenda .......................................................................... 137 Your Turn: A Nonjudgmental Exercise .............................................................. 139 A Questionable Exercise ...................................................................................... 143 Direct Communication: Its Use in Conflict Resolution ................................. 149 Supportive Listening: What’s Your Score? ....................................................... 151 Skills That Make a Difference............................................................................. 153 Fact vs. Opinion.................................................................................................... 155 Escalate vs. Acknowledge: The Choice Is Yours .............................................. 157 Turning Negatives into Positives....................................................................... 159 Eight Different Points of View ........................................................................... 161

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About the Authors Jonamay Lambert Jonamay Lambert, M.A., co-author of seven trainers’ guides in the Diversity at Work Training Series, and 50 Activities for Diversity Training, is well known throughout the human resources field for her training and development methodology. Founder and president of Lambert and Associates, she has designed and implemented training programs related to diversity leadership and change management for corporate, governmental, and educational organizations, including many Fortune 100 companies. Prior to forming Lambert and Associates in 1987, she was principal of PACE, a not-for-profit institution, and received a three-year grant to develop a multicultural curriculum for prison system educators. Ms. Lambert received a master’s degree in counseling from Northeastern University and an undergraduate degree in education from Indiana University after studying in Europe and the Middle East. Also the author of ten trainer’s guides about diversity used in more than 1,000 national and international organizations, Jonamay’s philosophy is that diversity must be understood and appreciated as a means through which people learn, grow, and benefit from one another. *******

Selma Myers Selma Myers, M.A., a trained and experienced mediator, has been engaged in alternative dispute resolution since 1983. In addition, as an international consultant, she is president of Intercultural Development, a California company specializing in communication and intercultural training. As the co-author of ten trainer’s guides in the “Diversity at Work” trainer’s series, and “50 Activities for Diversity Training”, she has also written additional guides and handbooks, linking the subject of Alternative Dispute Resolution to intercultural training. Ms. Myers helped found, and was director of, the American Language Institute at San Diego State University, where she administered programs for foreign students and businessmen. She has also lived and worked abroad and traveled extensively, gaining particular insights into cultures different than her own.

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Ms. Myers was a visiting lecturer in residence at the Beijing Institute of Technology; recipient of a Senior Fulbright Consulting Grant in South America; and a Summer Teaching Fellow at Harvard University. Her clients have included Fortune 500 organizations, not-for-profit, government agencies and other areas of business. Ms. Myers offers workshops in Conflict Resolution and provides mediation training for the San Diego Mediation Center and for regional and national conferences.

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Preface Business people are becoming much more interested in understanding workplace conflict, its causes, and its impact. This book is designed to meet the needs of professionals who are expected to resolve their own personal and immediate conflicts or train others to do so. It also deals with the specific skills one needs to act as a third party in helping others resolve their conflicts. Some people believe that conflict is a necessary part of life, and that without conflict there is no growth. Others believe that the only way to handle conflict is to avoid dealing with it. Individuals participating in the workshop activities and self-study exercises offered in this book will examine their own concerns with conflict, their own individual styles, and the role conflict has played and is playing in their lives. They will also learn skills to help them become more effective in interpersonal relations at work. Ultimately they and their organizations will benefit through reduced conflict, improved communication, and a more productive work environment. Dispute resolution is often seen as a “win-lose” situation, or a constant series of compromises. However, conflict-resolution techniques and activities can help people understand and deal with it in a way that considers and respects individual as well as cultural differences. The increased diversity within the United States makes it even more important to know how to handle conflict. It is often difficult to recognize, however— signposts and guidelines are not clear, and body language is often hard to read. More material has recently come to light about communication conflicts between men and women, but there are many instances in which people’s actions in general are being misinterpreted—instances when they are behaving in ways they believe are totally innocent. Recognizing the signs and acting sensitively can go a long way toward prevention or resolution. This book focuses on activities and self-study exercises. Some exercises point out ways to look at conflict, while others help people explore their own beliefs and values. Other exercises deal with how to understand individual conflict styles. The objective is to be able to recognize conflict, size up the situation, and keep it from becoming destructive to ongoing relationships. The activities and exercises also offer ways in which parties can recognize the kinds of language that might make things worse, as well as explore what might be done or said to make things better. vii

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Certain assumptions form the basis for the activities in this book: •

One of the goals is to help those giving and receiving messages avoid misunderstandings and be accurate in using language and communication skills.

•

Nonjudgmental communication skills can help people who must diffuse volatile situations.

•

In resolving conflicts, it is important to meet the interests and needs of all parties, and to work toward an agreement that is acceptable to each individual and the organization as a whole.

•

The path to conflict resolution is not the sole responsibility of any one person, but rather of all of those involved.

•

Acknowledging differences up front is an important step in interactions involving values and behavior in diversity issues.

•

The more one knows about conflict styles (one’s own natural styles, as well as the styles of others), the more effective the solution.

•

Practicing good communication skills will help you resolve conflicts, as well as prevent them from escalating.

The authors assume that those who are conducting these activities or participating in them will be comfortable with our short, experiential style, which presents an opportunity to learn in an interactive way. Finally, the activities are designed to be non-threatening, and designed for success. The objective of this book is to provide a series of learning experiences carefully constructed to: •

Look at conflict and its various stages

•

Understand the impact of differences on conflict

•

Become comfortable with various conflict styles and resolution methods

•

Learn responsible and effective communication skills

This book is not a road map to the complete conflict resolution process. However, it does address techniques and approaches to conflict resolution by teaching respect for the individual, the problem, and the process. In it we stress the importance of understanding differing values and perceptions, which often cause conflict without our realizing it.

viii

Introduction Whether you are a dispute resolution specialist, a trainer, a manager, or anyone else whose responsibility includes dealing with conflict, this book is for you. It is unique in that it addresses two very important topics in specific sections: Group Learning in Part 1, and Self Development in Part 2. Though both of these sections deal primarily with conflict and conflict resolution, the beauty of the activities and exercises is that they can be incorporated in any number of other training programs. They fit in well with subjects dealing with Management and Leadership, as well as those related to Communication. Trainers in the field of Negotiation, Interpersonal Skills, Diversity, or Problem Solving will also find both sections useful. Each section of this book on conflict resolution uses workshop activities and self-study exercises; some point out ways to look at disputes, while others help people explore their own beliefs and values concerning conflict. There are additional exercises dealing with conflict styles and resolution skills. The overall objective is to show you how to recognize conflict and size up a particular situation, and help you learn how to prevent it from becoming destructive to a new or ongoing relationship. The activities and exercises also offer ways to avoid using the kind of language that makes things worse, and explore what can be done or said to make things better. The two different sections of the book are described below to give you an idea of their contents and how they can be used.

Part 1—Group Learning Part 1 offers 25 easy-to-use interactive activities designed for use in a workshop setting by facilitators and trainers to help participants understand disputes and the impact of various styles of dealing with conflict. The section also includes conflict-resolution models and practice activities for developing the skills for resolution. The wide range of topics in Part 1 encourage participants to explore conflict in general, learn about their own personal styles and approaches, and understand conflict issues in terms of values and perceptions. The balance of the activities deal with the actual skills needed to resolve conflict situations and provide opportunities for skill practice. These activities are completely interactive, but they have been designed to offer step-by-step instructions so that they can be put into practice by trainers, counselors, managers, and other leaders, Each activity in the front of the book follows the same format: ix

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Title Of Activity PURPOSE EQUIPMENT MATERIALS PROCEDURE DEBRIEF TRAINER’S NOTES (where appropriate).

Part 2—Independent Study This section of the book can be used in three ways: first, as a stand-alone course with exercises that help participants take the initiative for their own learning; second, as homework or classwork to reinforce the group activities in Part 1; and third, with careful adjustment, many of the exercises can also be converted by the trainer to an interactive format, thereby supplementing group learning. This section consists of a wide range of self-assessment instruments, specific reflection exercises, and skill-building exercises that include questions, responses, and helpful ways to communicate more effectively. Those who will be working alone at least part of the time will find the exercises easy to follow. They were designed for individualized instruction; directions and worksheets are self-explanatory. Suggested answers have been provided where appropriate to give participants the opportunity to measure their responses. A Summary statement appears at the end of each exercise so participants can review the learning points, reinforce their own work or that of others, and provide closure. The activities in Part 2 use the following headings: Title Of Exercise PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE INTRODUCTION WORKSHEET SUMMARY The activities and exercises in both Part 1 and Part 2 are grouped into five categories, as follows:

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Introduction I. Exploring Conflict II. Know Yourself III. Understanding Conflict IV. Values and Perceptions V. Resolving Conflict Situations Conflict affects everyone, but when it is allowed to develop and grow in the workplace, it can also affect productivity. However, no longer is the task of resolving workplace conflict left to managers and trainers. Innocent behavior can all too quickly be misinterpreted and grow into a minor dispute that gets out of hand before anyone is aware of it. Knowing how conflict can be prevented and resolved is becoming increasingly important to all workers. This book explores techniques and approaches to conflict resolution. Its objective is to teach respect for the individual, the problem, and the process, and to point out the importance of understanding the differing values and perceptions that so often are the cause of anticipated conflict. As a final note, we would like to point out that the activities contained in 50 Activities for Conflict Resolution will be useful to those of you working in industrial, commercial, service, government, and not-for-profit organizations, as well as in the fields of health care, education, and finance. Conflict resolution is an exciting field to be in, and we wish you good luck!

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I EXPLORING CONFLICT

Defining Conflict: Where Do You Stand? 30–35 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants understand how they perceive conflict, and what conflict means in their life experiences. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Handout: Pop Quiz on Attitudes Toward Conflict PROCEDURE: 1. Explain to participants that people often come to a conflict-resolution workshop with a fixed definition of conflict and ideas based on earlier life experiences. 2. Begin by pairing the participants and asking them to discuss with each other their definition of conflict. They should also talk about some earlier experiences that led them to these definitions. 3. Reconvene and have pairs report on the results of their conversations. Ask participants for examples that influenced their thinking about conflict, and then (using participant input) write a group definition of conflict on the flipchart. 4. Lead a discussion about the positive aspects of conflict resolution, asking questions such as: • How can conflict strengthen relationships? • In what ways can conflict generate growth and self-development? 5. Distribute the handout, and ask the participants to complete the Pop Quiz, thinking about the discussions so far. Explain that this activity is one that should get them thinking about additional feelings concerning conflict and ways to resolve a difficult situation. There will be other activities in this book exploring various conflict styles, as well as the skills and strategies required to resolve conflict effectively. 6. When the Pop Quiz is completed, ask participants to share and discuss answers. 1

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Ask the following questions regarding the handout, reminding the group that there are no right or wrong answers: • How do you feel about the responses? • Can you see a difference in philosophy? What are your thoughts about that? (Possible answers are that responses in the left column generally represent a narrow interpretation of the destructive side of conflict, whereas responses in the right-hand column seems to represent the constructive side of conflict.) • Which statements best represent your attitude, the ones in the left column, or the ones in the right? Remember, individual definitions of conflict can shape how you deal with conflict when you are personally involved. Explain that the more you learn about defining conflict, the more likely you are to understand conflict situations and develop resolution skills. You will begin to look at individual needs and intentions (your own and others), and learn to use constructive communication to resolve conflicts.

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Defining Conflict: Where Do You Stand?

Handout Pop Quiz: Attitudes Toward Conflict In each row across the page, check off the one phrase that best represents your way of thinking. (Your choices should involve your thoughts about present-day conflict in the workplace.) I believe conflict:

Check I believe conflict: Here

Hurts relationships

Strengthens relationships

Should be avoided

Should be resolved

Resolution is based on status and power

Resolution is based on equality of power

Disregards differences of opinion

Recognizes and appreciates differences of opinion

Has nothing to be gained from it

Can generate growth

Is about blame

Is about understanding and coming to agreement

Produces a winner and a loser

Can produce a win-win resolution

Check Here

Total the number of checks in each column. Join the group for comments and further discussion.

3

Two Responses to Conflict: Fight or Flight 30–45 minutes PURPOSE: To give participants a chance to explore their responses to conflict and then consider the advantages and disadvantages of each response. EQUIPMENT: None MATERIALS: None PROCEDURE: 1. Explain to participants that people often come to a conflict resolution workshop with fixed ideas based on early experiences with conflict. This activity will give them an opportunity to discuss two general responses to conflict and the advantages and disadvantages of each. 2. Ask participants to think about how willing they are to deal with a conflict when it occurs. Explain that some people are ready to fight, and some people are ready to run away. Have them think about which type of response is most typical for them. 3. Introduce this activity by describing an imaginary wall and indicating its location across the back of the room. Ask those participants who say they really enjoy a conflict and are eager to address one when it occurs to stand at the far left of the wall, and those who would do anything to avoid conflict to stand at the far right. 4. Have each group select a reporter and then discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the way these participants deal with conflict. Allow about 5–10 minutes for discussions within each group. (If flipcharts are available, have the reporter list the pros and the cons of each approach on the chart.) 5. Reconvene and ask for a report on the key points discussed. 6. Lead a discussion, using the following questions as guidelines for both groups: • In what type of situation did you find your approach most effective? Give specific examples. • In what type of situation did you find your approach least effective? Give specific examples. • How easy or difficult would it be to adapt your style to become more 5

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution effective? • Have each group select a reporter and then discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the way these participants deal with conflict. Allow about 5–10 minutes for discussion within each group. (If flipcharts are available, have the reporter list the pros and cons of each approach on the chart. DEBRIEF: There will generally be a continuum rather than two discrete positions in this activity. However, there will also be positions somewhere in between the two extremes illustrated. For example, responses might also come under “Collaborating,” “Compromising,” or “Accommodating.” Each of the styles carries advantages and disadvantages, and might be more appropriate under different circumstances. TRAINER’S NOTES: Another way of using this activity would be to ask participants to regroup along the “wall” with a continuum in mind, rather than the two extreme positions.

6

How Can We Both Win? A Quick Demonstration 10 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants understand the difference between working against one another and working together toward a mutual end when resolving a dispute. EQUIPMENT: None MATERIALS: Prizes, Candy, Money, or Trainer’s Choice PROCEDURES: 1. Ask for volunteers to demonstrate the concept of “Win-Lose” and “Win-Win.” Select two volunteers of the same sex and have them come to the front of the room. 2. Ask them to sit face to face. Explain that they are going to compete in an arm wrestling match. If there is a small table available, put it between the volunteers, and ask them to sit in such a way that they can arm wrestle. (With no table, have them sit in such a way that their knees will be braced against each other.) 3. Explain that you will give a prize to the winner each time an opponent is beaten. 4. Allow several rounds and give out prizes to each winner. On the third or fourth round, suggest that opponents think about partnering so that both sides can win. Once they get the idea of partnering rather than trying to defeat one another, they then realize that they can work back and forth in such a way that each can take turns winning and earn prizes. The activity is then over. 5. Lead a discussion, asking questions such as: • • • •

What happened here? Were there any surprises? What lessons were learned in this activity? Ask the participants if they can recall at what point they began to think that the two volunteers ought to work out a plan so that both would win. • Ask the volunteers at what point they remember thinking that there might be a better way to accomplish their goals than struggling to win. 7

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: It’s natural for one party to want to win at the expense of the other, yet a situation can be constructed with some negotiating so that the struggle is easier and both sides will come away feeling good. Hence, another Win-Win!

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II KNOW YOURSELF

Individual Conflict Styles: A Zoological Approach 30 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants recognize that there are distinct differences in conflict resolution styles, and that being flexible and respecting others might help in resolving conflict. EQUIPMENT: None MATERIALS: Posters prepared ahead of time showing either pictures or names of the four animals in this activity, and a one-sentence description of an appropriate style that each animal might represent (see Trainer’s Notes). PROCEDURE: 1. Place the posters in various areas of the room. 2. Ask participants to walk around the room and stand beside the poster that best represents the way they deal with conflict. 3. Ask participants to share what they believe is good about dealing with conflict in that particular way, when it is most appropriate, and what they think they can accomplish using that style. 4. Ask participants to discuss any problems a particular style might cause, when it might be least appropriate to use, and what can be lost by using it. 5. Reconvene and have participants summarize the advantages and disadvantages of the various styles. Continue by discussing how to deal with others who have different styles of resolving conflict. DEBRIEF: This activity addresses four major conflict styles [as described in the Trainer’s Notes]. Conflicts are often exacerbated by differences in conflict-resolution styles. It is not always necessary for people to give up their natural styles in order to resolve conflict. Some forms of accommodation are possible. Most important are respecting differences and turning them into a positive force for resolution.

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution TRAINER’S NOTES: Prepare four posters with either the pictures or the names of the following animals, as well as the phrases that are in parentheses; then briefly describe the styles: • Bunny Rabbit (escape when you have the chance) This represents Avoidance. • Pit Bull (winning is the only thing) This represents Competition. • Worker Bee (act for the good of the group) This represents Cooperation. • Chameleon (willing to change to blend in) This represents Adaptation.

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Identifying Helpful Communication Styles 30 minutes PURPOSE: To give participants an opportunity to identify their individual communication styles, and to discuss how communication styles impact conflict resolution. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Paper and Pencils PROCEDURE: 1. Post one of the four previously-prepared flipchart sheets in each corner of the room (see Trainer’s Notes). Conceal descriptions until directions are given. 2. Walk around the room and unfold each flipchart page, reading what is written. 3. Instruct participants to first reflect on how they view their own communication styles and then select the one flipchart page from the four shown that they feel best matches this style. Once they have made their decisions, tell each to stand by the flipchart page of their choice. 4. Instruct them to discuss with one another why they selected that style and what the advantages and disadvantages of that style may be in resolving conflict. 5. If a participant stands alone, make sure to check in with him or her to find out why he or she made that choice. 6. Ask for a report from each group. 7. Next, instruct participants to each move to the flipchart page with the style that they feel they have the most trouble relating to. 8. Then, have them share with one another why it is difficult to communicate with another person with that style, and report out. DEBRIEF: The more one knows about his or her own personal communication style, the better equipped he or she will be in dealing with those who have similar styles. It will also be helpful to understand how other people with different styles operate and develop skills to deal with those differences. 13

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution TRAINERS’ NOTES: Prepare four sheets of flipchart paper in advance, listing one of the following descriptors on each sheet, with simple examples: • ACTION STYLE (sets objectives, makes quick decisions, likes working on own projects, responds to feedback) • PEOPLE -SENSITIVE STYLE (values teamwork, believes in collective agreement, may lose sight of entire task, seeks boss’s approval) • PROCESS DEVELOPMENT STYLE (thoughtful, resists pressure, pays attention to details such as objectives, facts, strategies, and tactics) • IDEA-SENSITIVE STYLE (enjoys relating to interesting colleagues, little interest in ordinary boring activities, bold but sometimes unrecognized)

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I Lose—You Lose 20–25 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants understand the possible consequences of inflexibility in attempting to resolve conflicts. EQUIPMENT: None MATERIALS: Instruction Slips “A,” “B,” “C,” and “D” PROCEDURE: 1. Introduce the activity by telling the participants that through role-play, they are going to observe different ways people approach conflict resolution. They will also learn the importance of flexibility. 2. Ask for two volunteers who would be willing to act out a role play in a given situation. 3. Give one volunteer instruction slip “A” and the other instruction slip “B” (see Trainer’s Notes). Ask them to silently read their respective Instruction Slips and then position themselves at the front of the room. 4. Instruct the rest of the participants to observe the role play. 5. Initiate the first role play (instruction slips “A” and “B”). Call a halt when it becomes obvious what is going on. 6. Ask the rest of the participants to give feedback on what they observed: • What actually happened? • What verbal and nonverbal signals did you observe from either person? (i.e., tone changes, pitch changes, crossing arms, etc.) • What did you learn? 7. Thank the volunteers. Ask for two new volunteers to conduct the second role play (instruction slips “C” and “D”) and follow the earlier procedure. Again, call a halt when it becomes obvious what is going on. 8. First, ask what was different about the second role play. Then raise the same questions as under Paragraph 6, bringing in the topic of “flexibility.” 9. Reconvene the group and lead a general discussion on both role plays: • Were the instructions difficult to follow? If so, why? • Did anyone try to negotiate with the other party, or modify or change his or her position? • What were the outcomes? • Were there any surprises? • How do we become more flexible? 15

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: When two parties work on resolving a conflict, there has to be a good-faith approach that a comfortable resolution is the goal. It is often necessary for one or both parties to be willing to modify their original positions and negotiate toward a mutually satisfactory solution. TRAINER’S NOTES: Prepare four slips of paper with Instructions “A,” “B,” “C,” and “D” so that each pair will have the their assigned slips. Instruction A You are the Manager of Customer Service. Over the past six months, you and another staff member have worked on a “how to” manual for customer service. It was your idea, and while you have both worked on the contents, you want your name to appear as the author. You are not willing to accept anything different. Instruction B You are a staff member in the Customer Service Department. Over the past six months, you and your manager have worked on a “how to” manual for customer service. It was the manager’s idea, but you feel you have done more work on the contents, and you want your name to appear as author. You are not willing to accept anything different. Instruction C You are the Manager of Customer Service. Over the past six months, you and another staff member have worked on a “how to” manual for customer service. It was your idea, and while you have both worked on the contents, you want your name to appear as the author. Although you feel strongly about this, you have come to the decision that the most important thing is to get the work published. You are willing to do what it takes to accomplish this goal. Instruction D You are a staff member in the Customer Service Department. Over the past six months, you and your manager have worked on a “how to” manual for customer service. It was the manager’s idea, but you feel you have done more work on the contents, and you want your name to appear as author. Although you feel strongly about this, you have come to the decision that the most important thing is to get the work published. You are willing to do what it takes to accomplish this goal.

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Approaches to Conflict: Role-Play Demonstration 30–45 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants understand that conflict is a natural occurrence, and that everyone has different approaches in dealing with conflict situations. Participants will have an opportunity to learn about approaches in general and their own in particular. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS:

Handout #1: Observer Guidelines Handout #2: Approaches to Conflict Resolution Handout #3: Situation for Role Play

PROCEDURE: 1. Explain that this activity is designed to give participants a chance to discuss and role-play a scenario, after which they will examine four major approaches to conflict resolution. 2. Set up groups of three and have each select one person to be an ObserverReporter for the group. Give Handout #1: Observer Guidelines to each Observer. Distribute situation slips “A” and “B” from Handout #3 to the two remaining participants in each group. Make sure no one sees anyone else’s instructions. 3. Allow 5–10 minutes for the two paired participants to role-play the situation, reminding them that their goal is to resolve the conflict. At the same time, the Observer follows the distributed guidelines and takes notes. 4. Reconvene and ask the Observers to report on what happened during the role play. 5. Distribute Handout #2: Approaches to Conflict Resolution and review it with the group. Then ask the groups of three to re-form. Have them discuss their role play, this time in light of the various approaches. Ask them to think about which approach is most comfortable for them. Then discuss what approaches they saw from other participants during the earlier role play. They should also discuss what they think might have been done differently. 17

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 6. Reconvene and lead the discussion by asking the group the following questions: • Were the natural approaches used in the small groups evident, in relation to the approaches that we discussed? • Did this activity help you determine your own natural approach? • What approaches have you seen in other participants? Were the differences noticeable? • What did you learn from this activity? DEBRIEF: There are many approaches to conflict resolution. One of the most useful is the Cooperation approach (I win–You win), but there are times when other approaches are also appropriate. What is important is to be aware of your own approach and to recognize the approaches other people take. In that way, you will be able to anticipate how others might react and adjust your own approach accordingly.

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Approaches to Conflict: Role Play Demonstration **************************************************** ***** Handout #1 **************************************************** *****

OBSERVER GUIDELINES DURING THE ROLE PLAY Your task is to observe what goes on in the role play and note the conflict that occurs between participants. Jot down some of your observations about how the participants went about resolving the conflict. Specifically note whether either member withdrew or gave in. Was there competition, or cooperation? AFTER THE ROLE PLAY When the entire group reconvenes, your task is to report on the conflict that occurred and how the pair resolved it.

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution **************************************************** ***** Handout #2 **************************************************** *****

APPROACHES TO CONFLICT RESOLUTION AVOIDANCE—(I lose, You lose) Some people do whatever they can to stay away from issues over which conflicts are occurring. They believe it is easier to withdraw than to face conflict, and generally do not like to work with people who are quick to engage in any sort of conflict. COMPETITION—(I win, You lose) Some competitive people believe that “winning is everything” and try to overpower their opponents by forcing their solution on them. Their goals are highly important to them, but the relationship is not. They do not feel that the needs of others are important, and seek to achieve their goals at all costs. COOPERATION—(I win, You win) These people value their own goals and relationships. They view conflicts as problems to be solved and seek solutions where both parties achieve their goals. In fact, they often see conflict as improving relationships by reducing tension between two people. They will go to great lengths to find a solution acceptable to both parties. ADAPTATION—(I lose, You win) People who feel that relations are more important than their personal goals fit the adaptation approach. They want to be liked and accepted by others. Harmony is the most important thing, and they are willing to give up their goals in order to save relationships.

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Approaches to Conflict: Role Play Demonstration **************************************************** ***** Handout #3 **************************************************** *****

SITUATION FOR ROLE PLAY SITUATION—PARTICIPANT A, role of Bob: You are Bob, regional sales manager for a small manufacturing company that is producing a narrow line of expensive builder’s hardware. You have built up sales in your territory to the highest level in the company. You are now negotiating with a prestigious major distributor, who proposes that the company take your line on a limited national basis. The only catch is that they need an immediate shipment to fill an order from a very large customer. Your inventory is very low, and company policy is that only Helen’s department, Product Scheduling, is allowed to allocate shipments. However, you go directly to Production and talk them into filling your order first on a priority basis, bypassing Product Scheduling. Helen discovers what has happened. She is furious and bawls you out. An argument ensues. SITUATION—PARTICIPANT B, role of Helen: You are Helen, head of Product Scheduling for a small manufacturing company that is producing a narrow line of expensive builder’s hardware. In the course of everyday business, you discover that Bob, regional sales manager, has gone directly to Production and filled a special order for one of his distributors. This diversion of products has thrown your schedule off and upset your entire department. You know that Bob is the “fair–haired boy” in the organization, but you feel this situation goes too far. You grab Bob and bawl him out, and an argument ensues.

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When Conflict Creates Stress, Don’t Just Stand There! 30 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants understand that stress may be one of the normal reactions when disputants are engaged in conflict. To offer suggestions on how to deal with that stress in a constructive way. EQUIPMENT: None MATERIALS: Index cards PROCEDURE: 1. Introduce the topic by making the following points: • Dealing with conflict can be very stressful. • The longer a situation goes unresolved, the more stressful it can be. • Unmanaged stress is not only unhealthy from a physical standpoint, it can also reduce our ability to remain calm and objective. • Learning how to deal with stress is an important aspect of resolving conflict. 2. Divide participants into groups of four or five. Explain that they will be involved in an activity that will generate options that can help reduce stress. 3. Pass out an index card to each participant. Ask them to recall a time when they were involved in conflict and tell them to think about the stressful feelings they had. Instruct them to select the single strongest feeling that caused them stress and write that word on the index card. 4. Give the following instructions: Pass around to participants in your group the index card on which you have written a feeling. Upon receiving someone else’s index card, you will write on it a stress reduction idea for the feeling shown on that card. Once all participants have written their ideas for each index card, place the cards in the center of the table. 5. Have the groups select a reporter, and reconvene. Each reporter will read aloud the feelings written on the index cards and the list of ideas generated. 6. Lead a discussion by asking the following questions: • What did you learn? • Were there any surprises? • How can stress alter a person’s ability to resolve conflict? • Did you gain new ideas about how to deal with stress? 23

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Stress is a normal part of conflict resolution. Learning to deal with stress begins by identifying the feelings associated with stress and using a variety of approaches to reduce stress. Try using some of the suggestions provided by other participants in this activity. TRAINER’S NOTES: If the participants need help in expressing feelings about stress and stress reduction, you might wish to draw from the following suggestions: Feelings Sometimes Associated with Stress Anger Disappointment Blame

Sadness Guilt Feeling of being overwhelmed

Ways to Overcome Stress Play music Keep a journal Rest Take a walk Talk to friends Go for a drive

Eat right Cut back on caffeine Meditate Avoid alcohol Exercise

Additional Things to Think About Finding out more about the situation Reviewing the situation objectively Accepting the situation as it is

Drawing on past experiences Seeking advice Exploring different possible solutions

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Introduction to Listening: A Self-Inventory 15–20 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants understand the importance of listening in a conflict situation, and to give participants an opportunity to assess their present listening skills. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Handout #1: Listening Inventory PROCEDURE: 1 Discuss the importance of good listening in conflict situations by asking participants what their thoughts are on the importance of listening in conflict situations. Record the answers on the flipchart. 2

Divide the group into pairs and ask participants to discuss a conflict they were involved in where they believed careful listening would have been helpful, or one in which lack of listening made resolution more difficult. (For example, the participant or another person was thinking ahead about a response or a solution and consequently a whole series of dollar amounts were being considered incorrectly.)

3. Distribute Handout #1 and ask participants to answer each question; then, using the instructions provided, score their inventory. Allow 5 or 10 minutes. 4. When participants are finished, ask for a show of hands as to whether participants consider themselves good listeners based on the self-inventory scores. Ask how many were surprised with their scores. 5. Tell the participants that if most of their answers to the self-inventory were either “a” or “b,” they probably possess, to some degree, the characteristics of good listeners. If most answers fell into the “c,” “d,” or “e” categories, the participants probably need to improve their listening habits. 6. Explain that listening is difficult in many situations, but especially so when a dispute is involved. Issues become more complicated when people are trying a resolve a conflict and major points are not heard correctly.

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Listening is one of the most important communication skills in conflict resolution. There are other activities that deal with listening and responding; however, without careful listening, responses often lead to further misunderstandings and the situation can worsen. No matter how you answered the questionnaire, good listening requires constant practice in concentrating. Now you know what to work on to become a better listener.

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Introduction to Listening: A Self-Inventory **************************************************** ***** Handout #1 **************************************************** *****

Listening Self-Inventory This exercise was developed to help you review and describe your typical listening style. Read each question carefully and check one of the five answers listed. 1. Research suggests that you think four times faster than a person usually talks to you. Do you use this excess time to turn your thoughts elsewhere while you are keeping track of a conversation? a. No c. Usually e. Don’t know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Yes 2. Do you listen for the feelings behind facts when someone is speaking? a. Almost always d. Almost never b. Most of the time e. Don’t know/unaware c. Not as much as I should 3. Do you generally talk more than listen in an interchange with someone else? a. No c. Usually e. Don’t know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Yes 4. When you are puzzled or annoyed by what someone says, do you try to get the question straightened out immediately, either in your own mind or by interrupting the speaker? a. No c. Usually e. Don’t know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Yes 5. If you feel that it would take a lot of time and effort to understand something, do you go out of your way to avoid hearing about it? a. Seldom c. Often e. Don’t know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Very frequently 6. Do emotions interfere with your listening? a. No c. Usually b. Sometimes d. Yes 27

e. Don’t know/unaware

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Reproduced from 50 Activities for Diversity Training by Jonamay Lambert and Selma Myers. HRD Press, 1994

7. Do you deliberately turn your thoughts to other subjects when you believe a speaker will have nothing particularly interesting to say? a. Seldom c. Often e. Don’t know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Very frequently 8. When someone is talking to you, do you try to make him/her think you’re paying attention when you are not? a. Seldom c. Often e. Don’t know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Very frequently 9. When you are listening to someone, are you easily sidetracked by outside distractions (people and events)? a. Seldom c. Often e. Don’t know/unaware b. Sometimes d. Very frequently 10. Do you listen carefully to the opinions of others, though you may intend to take exception to something later on? a. Almost always d. Almost never b. Most of the time e. Don’t know/unaware c. Not as much as I should 11. When listening to someone who speaks with an accent, do you make a greater effort to concentrate on what the person is saying? a. Almost always d. Almost never b. Most of the time e. Don’t know/unaware c. Not as much as I should 12. When you are listening to someone speak, do you make a conscious effort to make and keep eye contact with the speaker? a. Almost always d. Almost never b. Most of the time e. Don’t know/unaware c. Not as much as I should Scoring: If most of your answers were a, or b, you probably possess the ability to concentrate and to recognize the speaker’s emotions. If most answers were c, d, or e, you need to develop these characteristics more fully.

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Introduction to Listening: A Self-Inventory Reproduced from 50 Activities for Diversity Training by Jonamay Lambert and Selma Myers. HRD Press, 1994

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III UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT

Tug of War or Peace 15–20 minutes PURPOSE: To see the extent that individuals will go in holding on to a position. EQUIPMENT: Enough pieces of fairly strong rope (each about 3-feet long) based on the number of pairs into which the group can be divided. MATERIALS: None PROCEDURE: 1. Divide participants into pairs of the same gender, giving each pair one section of rope. 2. Explain that the goal of this activity is to set up a tug of war, with each member of the pair taking one end of the rope and pulling as hard as possible. Let the pairs determine who gives up and when. 3. Reconvene and discuss the following questions: • How long were you willing to keep pulling? Would it have made any difference if there had been a prize for the winner? • What precipitated the decision to let go? • Who decided to quit first, and why? • How did that affect the other person? • Explain how you can relate this experience to disputes at work. DEBRIEF: This activity represents conflict in microcosm: there is a winner and a loser. How hard a person strives to maintain a position depends on many factors. Basically, it’s often difficult for a person to give in. In some cases, people keep pulling as long as they feel safe. Perhaps they believe that holding on to their position may result in a reward or benefit. On the other hand, one’s natural style (such as the tendency to avoid conflict) will influence the decision to hold on or to let go of a position. Try observing “tugs of war” at work.

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Red Flags 30–40 minutes PURPOSE: To give participants an opportunity to examine phrases that often create or escalate conflict. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: None PROCEDURE: 1. Introduce the activity by telling the participants they are going to look at counterproductive words and phrases that often create or escalate conflict— that is, the words and phrases that send up a “red flag” or make you “see red.” 2. Pair up participants and ask each pair to come up with phrases that often appear in conflicts (sending up a red flag), either causing or escalating conflict. Give examples such as “You always…,” “Your problem is…,” “Don’t tell me what I’m thinking,” etc. Tell participants you will time them, and then see which pair comes in with the most phrases in 5 minutes. 3. At the end of the time, have people call out the words or phrases they came up with. Discuss what the red flags were and write them on the flipchart. 4. Then ask the pairs to work together again, this time to identify words or phrases they think can help avoid conflict or reduce it. Allow 5 minutes. 5. At the end of the 5 minutes, have participants call out their new words or phrases and write them on the flipchart. DEBRIEF: Discuss the impact of language on conflict. Ask questions such as: • Have you been in a conflict where words or phrases from the first group were used? How did you feel? What effect did this have on the resolution of the conflict? • What happens when you hear words and phrases like those in the second group? • Which of the two assignments was easier?

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Benefits and Barriers: Exploring Third-Party Intervention 30 minutes PURPOSE: To explore the advantages and disadvantages of using a third party to help in resolving a conflict. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Pencils and paper PROCEDURE: 1. Briefly discuss what constitutes third-party intervention, including nonprofessional or professional neutrals such as mediators, nonbinding arbitrators, church leaders, counselors, etc. 2. Discuss which conflict situations are likely to call for a third-party intervention. Examples could be the unwillingness of involved parties to change, cultural differences, legal requirements, etc. 3. Explain that it is important to first look at the benefits and the barriers to bringing in an outside or neutral party before engaging one. 4. Divide the participants into two groups and ask each to appoint a reporter. 5. Instruct one group to discuss and write down the benefits they might find when a third party enters the process. Tell the other group to discuss and write down the barriers they might find when a third party enters the process. 6. Reconvene and have the two reporters call out their respective lists of pros and cons of third-party intervention. Write the responses on a flipchart under two headings: “Benefits” and “Barriers.” 7. Lead a discussion of the effect of these third-party benefits and barriers on various aspects of conflict resolution. DEBRIEF: Individuals many times give up on resolving conflict before even considering the use of an outside neutral party to help. While third-party intervention can be very helpful, it is important to understand that it comes with barriers that must be overcome.

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution TRAINER’S GUIDE: If the participants have difficulty thinking of specific benefits and barriers of third-party intervention, the trainer may suggest some possibilities from the following lists to spark their imagination. Barriers Cost, depending on the professional and the length of the case Difficulty in locating a qualified but neutral party Neutral party cannot take sides, or may have his or her own agenda Possibility that a strong neutral party may “overstructure” the process Neutral party cannot be someone likely to lose patience Benefits Cost normally much less than litigation Neutral person can keep the process on track Neutral party brings a fresh perspective to the conflict Neutral party can be a go-between for contesting parties who are loath to face each other or consider compromise Decisions are made by both sides, not by the third-party

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Mismatched? Are You Reading the Nonverbal Clues? 30–40 minutes PURPOSE: To allow participants to experience the significance of nonverbal behavior (body language) and explore its relationship to an understanding of the other side. EQUIPMENT: Either an overhead projector or flipchart MATERIALS: Previously-prepared Instruction Slips (see Trainer’s Notes). Master for Transparency: Four Principles in Communicating PROCEDURE: 1. Explain to the group that nonverbal behavior constantly delivers communication messages. Consequently, the more one knows about the impact of nonverbal communication on conflict, the more successful the resolution can be. 2. Tell the group that there will be a role play and that you will be passing out instructions. Pair up the participants. 3. Hand out a single randomly chosen instruction slip to one member of each pair, warning the recipient not to share the instructions with his or her partner. Ask the selected partner to read his or her instruction slip silently. 4. Tell all the pairs to choose ordinary topics (traffic congestion, a controversial movie, favorite TV show, etc.). Begin a discussion. [Important: The partner with the instruction slip must follow his or her instructions.] Call a halt after allowing about 5 minutes for the role play. 5. Ask the participants who did not receive instruction slips to guess the specific nonverbal behavior their partners were exhibiting. 6. Reconvene and discuss the following questions: • What happened? • How many people correctly guessed the nonverbal behavior the partner with the instruction slips was exhibiting? • What specific nonverbal behaviors did the partner use? • How did both partners feel? • How do you think nonverbal communication impacts conflict situations? 7. Summarize by using Principles in Communicating either as a transparency or on a flipchart. 39

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Communication is not always easy, because we listen and respond to others based on our feelings, beliefs, attitudes, and values. What we say orally is only a small part of communication. Neurolinguistic researchers have found that the person receiving the message you are sending interprets about 65 percent of that message through nonverbal communication. What that means is that the words you use and your tone of voice are not as significant as the nonverbal signals you are sending when you convey a message. While we can choose our words, often our nonverbal behavior is largely unconscious. In any situation we need to be aware that we are sending nonverbal messages, but in conflict situations we must be even more diligent because our feelings and attitudes influence the nonverbal messages we send and receive. Note: Interpretation of body language varies around the world. This activity focuses on a Western view. TRAINER’S NOTES: Make enough copies of the following instruction slips, cut to a convenient size. A. You are disinterested. Pay no attention to what your partner is saying. Look around, check your watch, yawn, and use other nonverbal behaviors that indicate lack of interest. Do what comes naturally for you. Think of a situation where you felt this way and recall your feelings. B. You are angry. Exhibit nonverbal behaviors that let your partner know you are angry. Do what is natural for you, but some ideas might include: tongue in cheek, downward frown, shaking head side-to-side in disbelief. Think of a situation where you felt this way and recall your feelings. C. You are excited. Let your partner know this nonverbally. Some examples might include: nodding head, waving arms, clapping, jumping up and down. Do what comes naturally for you. Think of a situation where you felt this way and recall your feelings. D. You are sad. Exhibit nonverbal behaviors that let your partner know that you are down. Perhaps you are holding your head in your hands, averting eyes downward, crying. Do what comes naturally. Think of a situation where you felt this way and recall your feelings.

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Mismatched? Are You Reading the Nonverbal Clues?

FOUR PRINCIPLES OF COMMUNICATION

• Everyone communicates verbally and nonverbally, consciously and unconsciously. • Every individual is a product of his or her own culture. • All communication is culture-bound. • There are numerous communication styles within racial, gender, and ethnic groups.

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Constructive or Destructive Conflict: Lessons to Be Learned 45 minutes PURPOSE: To determine how some conflict can be constructive, rather than destructive. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Pencils and paper PROCEDURE: 1. Pair up participants and ask them to discuss and write down the aspects of conflict that they see as destructive. (Examples: “Destroys relationships” or “Increases stress level,” etc.) Allow 5–10 minutes. 2. Have the pairs reconvene, ask for their comments, and list them on the flipchart under the heading of Destructive Conflicts. (If people need help, you can find additional suggestions under Trainer’s Notes.) 3. Then allow about 5–10 minutes for the paired participants to repeat the above process, this time discussing and writing down the aspects of conflict that they see as constructive. Repeat as above, listing on the flipchart the results of their work under the heading of Constructive Conflict. (There are additional constructive conflict suggestions under Trainer’s Notes.) 4. Reconvene the group and lead a discussion on the destructive and constructive elements of conflict, asking questions such as: • • • •

Which was easier to discuss and why? What surprises did you find when the entire group reported out? How do you think most people at work feel about conflict? What are the lessons you learned from this activity?

DEBRIEF: It is important to see conflict as contributing to personal growth. Evaluating both destructive and constructive conflict can lead one to recognize the advantages of a win-win solution. It is significant that a win-win solution diminishes the destructive impact of conflict and offers a positive force for the organization as well as for the individual. 43

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution TRAINER’S NOTES: If the participants have difficulty thinking of specific destructive and/or constructive aspects, here are some examples: Conflict is destructive when: • • • • •

one person has to give in too much (win-lose) the dispute hurts a relationship there is no agreement reached there are uncontrolled emotions, anger, and raised voices the conflict prevents or stops people from working

Conflict is constructive when it: • • • • • •

leads to resolution builds a strong relationship with improved communication opens people up to new ideas leads to a win-win resolution develops common goals clarifies a problem situation and leads to positive change

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IV VALUES AND PERCEPTIONS

Gaining a Different Perspective 15–20 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants realize that in a conflict situation they may have to change their position in order to see things from a different perspective. EQUIPMENT: None MATERIALS: Enough picture cards and envelopes so that when the group is divided into pairs, each pair has one card and an envelope. PROCEDURE: 1. Have the participants count off as As and Bs, and ask the As to come forward to collect envelopes with instruction slips (see Trainer’s Notes). 2. Ask each A to select a B, and pair up in a place where they can quietly talk, standing face-to-face. Give the As a few seconds to look over the instructions before they say anything to their partners, and then have them wait for a signal to begin. 3. Give the signal to begin, and then allow a minute or two for participants to follow the instructions and discuss what each person saw. 4. After participants have moved to see the other side of the card, have the group reconvene and ask the following questions: • What gets in the way of seeing different perspectives? • What might be helpful ways to gain different perspectives? • What is at stake when learning about a different perspective? DEBRIEF: This activity reminds us that people often do not see both sides of a conflict in the same way. It sometimes takes moving from one position to another to understand someone else’s point of view. TRAINER’S NOTES: It’s a good idea to begin with a deck of cards that has an unusual pattern on the back. Prepare in advance slips of paper that read as follows: At the start signal, stand up and hold up your card with its face toward you, not letting your partner see your side of the card. Ask the other member of the pair to describe what he or she sees. Explain that you do not see the same thing and suggest that in order for your partner to see what you see, he or she can come and look over your shoulder. 47

Assumptions: Who Needs ‘Em? 10 minutes Purpose: To be aware of how the assumptions we make about a person may prove to be a disadvantage. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Pencils and paper PROCEDURE: 1. Ask participants to choose a partner they do not know. 2. Once the partners have been chosen, instruct them to remain silent. 3. Tell them to write down what they believe to be true about their partners. In other words, they will be guessing such factors as occupation, place of birth, education level, ethnicity, family, etc. Again remind them that they are not permitted to speak. 4. Allow about 3 minutes, and then instruct all participants to stop. 5. Reconvene and ask the following questions: • • • •

Was anyone correct about most of the assumptions they made? How easy or difficult was this exercise? How did you make your guesses? How do assumptions about others influence conflict resolution?

DEBRIEF: Making assumptions is something most of us do from time to time. Although it’s possible that our assumptions are correct, quite often they are flawed. Carried to an extreme, unverified assumptions can escalate and put the entire resolution process on a slippery slope. Remember, your partner may also be making assumptions about you, and these may be just as invalid as your assumptions about him or her. Collecting the data, checking out the assumptions, and reevaluating first impressions are important steps in any conflict situation.

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The Big Bad Wolf. Or Is It? 45 minutes PURPOSE: To acknowledge different perspectives and learn to find creative solutions for all parties involved in a conflict situation. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Pencils and paper; handout: Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf PROCEDURE: 1. Review the story of the Big Bad Wolf, using the handout. 2. Discuss why we might use this story to talk about conflict. 3. Divide participants into four groups. Assign the role of Little Red Riding Hood to Group 1, Grandma to Group 2, the Big Bad Wolf to Group 3, and the Hunter to Group 4. Have each group select a Reporter. 4. Tell each group to discuss the reasons its character behaved in the way the story said. 5. Allow about 10 minutes. If a flipchart is available, have the Reporters list the reasons their groups came up with. Otherwise, have the Reporters call out the reasons. 6. Now instruct each group to write a letter that defines a peaceful solution to this story, one in which every character feels they win. Allow about 10 minutes. 7. Ask each group to read their letter aloud to the other characters. 8. Lead a discussion with the following questions: • What was easy or difficult about this activity? • What was required to come up with a peaceful solution to this story, one in which all the characters feel they win? [Allow about 10 minutes for this question.] • How does this relate to real work experiences? • What did you learn from this activity? 51

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: This children’s story is a metaphor for many life experiences. Up to a point, all the characters do what is only natural for themselves. The original version, wherein the Hunter kills the Wolf, represents the way in which many real life disputes end (unresolved), and perhaps even violently. The challenge is to see the characters in a new light and recognize that there are other points of view. The task is to find a rational way to have the parties resolve the potential conflict in an original and creative manner.

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The Big Bad Wolf: Or Is It?

Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf Most of you know the story of the little girl who goes into the woods to take her sick grandmother a basket of goodies. Most of you have heard the ending, which is boldly stated, “…and the wolf was shot by the hunter!!!” We all know it from the point of view of Little Red Riding Hood. Yet because this activity is to help gain an understanding of different points of view, we are going to look at this story from the points of view of all the characters. “Little Red Riding Hood went to visit her sick grandmother to take her some food. Along the way she met a wolf, who found out what she was doing and where she was going. Then he made some decisions of his own. The wolf reached Grandma’s house before Little Red Riding Hood arrived and tied up Grandma and put her in the closet. He then disguised himself as Grandma, got into her bed, and devised a plan to eat both Red Riding Hood and Grandma. When Little Red Riding Hood arrived and saw what she thought was Grandma, she made comments about the big eyes, big ears, and big teeth. The wolf as Grandma answered with the famous words: “Better to see you with, my dear,” instead of “Better to hear you with, my dear.” He then jumped up and exclaimed, “Better to eat you with, my dear,” and prepared to attack Little Red Riding Hood. At that time, a hunter passing by heard the screams of Little Red Riding Hood and rushed to her rescue. He shot the wolf and they lived happily ever after.” Sometimes children learn this story with a contrived, but nonviolent ending. Your group’s assignment is to examine the situation from the perspective of your character and then write an original, rational ending to the story. You must conclude with a win-win-win-win situation.

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Portrait of a Peacemaker 40 minutes PURPOSE: To examine the qualities of peacemakers, who avoid violence in favor of resolving conflicts through peaceful means. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Pencils, paper; Handout: Comparison of Users of Violence with Non-Users of Violence PROCEDURE: 1. This activity is about “Peacemakers,” defined in Webster’s New World Dictionary as “…persons who make peace by settling the disagreements of others.” 2. Pass out the handout and ask participants to list in the left-hand column several well-known figures who used violence to resolve conflict situations. In the right-hand column, list other well-known people who used nonviolent means. 3. Pair up participants and ask them to compare their lists and discuss their selections. Then ask them to write down the qualities they see shared by the various peacemakers. 4. After several minutes, reconvene the group and ask them to report on their discussions. Use the flipchart to record the names of the people they selected, and also the overall qualities they found common to the various peacemakers. 5. Ask participants to return to their partners and then join up with another pair, forming groups of four. Perhaps the best way to explain their task is to tell them to look for the person most likely to receive “The Peacemaker of the Century” award (as if there is such an award). The assignment is to review the flipchart responses and select the one person they feel most worthy to represent the finest example of a Peacemaker. 6. Have the groups report out and lead a discussion using questions such as the following: • In the beginning of the activity, was it easier to think of those who are or were known to use violence, or to think of the peacemakers? • What does that tell you about our society in general? • How might any course of events have been changed if those who promoted violence had applied the same qualities and skills used by peacemakers? 55

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: Everyday we learn about leaders and conflict. This activity gives us a chance to look beyond the workplace and immediate conflict situations and explore the qualities of successful peacemakers. This topic is a complex one, and we have only touched the surface by discussing the peacemakers and their qualities. It is important to recognize that in many conflict situations, violence-prone parties often have a personal agenda in which power is more important than resolution. Therefore, focus on peacemakers and peacemaker characteristics in general, and learn as much as you can from them.

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Portrait of a Peacemaker Handout

Comparison of Users of Violence to Non-Users of Violence People known for their use of violence

People known for making peace without the use of violence

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V RESOLVING CONFLICT SITUATIONS

What Kind of Question Is That? 30–40 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants learn about “yes-no” and “open-ended” questions, and practice how to ask the best questions when trying to resolve a conflict EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: None PROCEDURE: 1. Explain to the group that one of the main factors in resolving a conflict is communication. There are many kinds of communication skills, and this activity deals with one of the most important: Questioning. Tell the participants they will have an opportunity to practice asking questions, but before they do, ask them to call out their ideas of various types of questions. 2. Acknowledge all the answers as valid. Ask the participants which types of questions they think are most important. (The objective is to lead into the concepts of “yes-no” and “open-ended” questions.) If the participants did not bring up these two concepts, point out that in conflict resolution, these are often the key questions. 3. Discuss with the participants phrasing differences in each of the two key question types. Ask for examples of each type and record the responses on the flipchart in one of two columns headed “Yes-No” and “Open-Ended.” (See Trainer’s Notes for examples.) 4. Pair up participants and instruct them as follows: You will now be dealing with a discussion topic. Pairs may select a topic of their own or choose from the suggested topics on the flipchart. [See Trainer’s Notes.] At the signal to begin, one partner will ask only yes-no questions on the chosen topic, and the other will reply. At the next signal, the partners will reverse roles, but the questions will be open-ended. 5. Make sure the participants understand the instructions. Give the start signal for the first set of questions (yes-no), allowing 3 or 4 minutes. Call “time,” wait a few moments, then give the signal for the second set of questions (open-ended), again allowing 3 or 4 minutes. Call “time” and reconvene the 61

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution group. 6. Lead a discussion comparing the information that was brought out with both types of questions, as follows: • How did you feel when you were asked the yes-no questions? • What about the open-ended questions? • Which of the two types of questions is easier to make up? • Which was the easier to answer? • What did you learn from this activity? DEBRIEF: There are times when yes-no questions are effective, such as when you are looking for a quick answer, either agreement or disagreement. However, for the most part, yes-no questions provide very little information. If you are looking to gain greater insight or explore details in-depth, the open-ended questions will produce better results. TRAINER’S NOTES: (FLIPCHART) EXAMPLES OF KEY QUESTIONS Yes-No

Open-Ended

Do you have an opinion on . . .? Did you give permission to . . .? Did you follow instructions?

What is your opinion on . . .? Tell me about what happened. Describe the instructions.

(FLIPCHART) SUGGESTED DISCUSSION TOPICS • Medium and large-size companies should be required to offer day care programs for their employees. • The speed limit should be raised to 80 mph on rural interstate highways. • All films and shows on TV should have a limit as to the number of commercials. • The standard work week in the U.S. should be reduced from 40 hours to 32 hours. OR SELECT A TOPIC OF YOUR OWN.

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Brainstorming: The Case of the Stolen Account 40 minutes PURPOSE: To learn how brainstorming can be helpful in resolving conflict. EQUIPMENT: 2 flipcharts MATERIALS: Handout #1: The Case of the Stolen Account—Fred Handout #2: The Case of the Stolen Account—Al PROCEDURE: 1. With the help of the participants, review brainstorming by writing the basic elements on a flipchart. (Make sure all participants are familiar with the process.) 2. Explain that participants will apply the brainstorming technique to a conflict issue. 3. Divide participants into two groups, “Fred” and “Al,” and locate them as far away from each other as possible. Appoint a recorder for each group. 4. Give each group copies of the appropriate handout (“Fred” or “Al”). 5. Ask participants to read the handout silently. At your signal, they should start brainstorming, based on the information in the handout. The recorders will record the brainstormed ideas from their respective groups. 6. Allow 10 minutes and then call “time.” Reconvene the full group and place the two flipchart pages next to each other. 7. Lead the discussion by asking the group: • Are there any similarities in the ideas brainstormed by the two groups? Any major differences? • Do you believe the ideas brainstormed by the two groups will lead to a resolution? Why? Why not?

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Handout #1

The Case of the Stolen Account—Fred You work for a medium-sized company that manufactures and sells highly engineered industrial products. The company sells through six teams of sales engineers, and you are a member of Fred’s team. The teams are assigned geographical territories. Al’s team of sales engineers is similar to Fred’s, and its territory is adjacent to Fred’s. The two teams have always gotten along well. To encourage volume sales, the company has just begun an annual Achiever’s Award program in which the six teams compete against each other in exceeding their sales forecasts. The prize is a luxurious all-expenses-paid week in Hawaii for the winning team and their families. Al’s largest customer is Accelerated Technologies, which accounts for 25 percent of his team’s annual volume. One day, you field a call from a new group leader at Accelerated who is unfamiliar with Fred or Al—someone your company has never dealt with. He has a hot new project that involves a major-volume purchase of your company’s high-margin product, but the product will require a certain degree of reengineering. Al would be the logical one to pass the call on to, but he is away on a medical emergency (not life-threatening). No other member of Al’s team is available, and the group leader demands immediate action or he will go to his second source. You notify Fred of the opportunity and he agrees that the matter requires immediate action. He gets on the phone with the group leader and works out a satisfactory solution. Fred’s team does the reengineering and the big order comes through, but from a new Accelerated office located in Fred’s territory. Fred claims credit for the sale; its high dollar value suggests that his group will win the Achiever’s Award. Al claims that Accelerated has always been his team’s account, and regardless of the circumstances, he should be credited with the sale. Fred points out that the Accelerated office that placed the order is in his territory, and anyhow, he and his team rescued the big order for the company. The V.P. of Marketing rules that the two teams should resolve the matter themselves. At the given signal, you and your fellow team members must brainstorm the issues and suggest a resolution to the conflict between the two teams.

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Brainstorming: The Case of the Stolen Account Handout #2

The Case of the Stolen Account—Al You work for a medium-sized company that manufactures and sells highly engineered industrial products. The company sells through six teams of sales engineers, and you are a member of Al’s team. The teams are assigned geographical territories. Fred’s team of sales engineers is similar to Al’s, and its territory is adjacent to Al’s. The two teams have always gotten along well. To encourage volume sales, the company has just begun an annual Achiever’s Award program in which the six teams compete against each other in exceeding their sales forecasts. The prize is a luxurious all-expenses-paid week in Hawaii for the winning team and their families. Al’s largest customer is Accelerated Technologies, which accounts for 25 percent of his team’s annual volume. One day, you take a call from a new group leader at Accelerated who is unfamiliar with Fred or Al—someone your company has never dealt with. He has a hot new project that involves a large volume buy of your company’s high margin product, but it will require a certain degree of reengineering. Al would be the logical one to pass the call on to, but he is away on a medical emergency (not life-threatening). Neither you nor other members of Al’s team have the authority or expertise to handle the situation, but the group leader demands immediate action or he will go to his second source. You decide to notify Fred of the opportunity, and he agrees that the matter requires immediate action. He gets on the phone with the group leader and works out a satisfactory solution. Fred’s team does the reengineering and the big order comes through, but from a new Accelerated office located in Fred’s territory. Fred claims credit for the sale; its high dollar value suggests that his group will win the Achiever’s Award. Al claims that Accelerated has always been his team’s account and regardless of the circumstances, he should be credited with the sale. Fred points out that the Accelerated office that placed the order is in his territory, and anyhow, he and his team rescued the big order for the company. The V.P. of Marketing rules that the two teams should resolve the matter themselves. At the given signal, you and your fellow team members must brainstorm the issues and suggest a resolution to the conflict between the two teams.

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Resistance. . .Options to the Rescue! 30 minutes PURPOSE: 1. To show participants how to recognize and understand resistance situations 2. To deal with resistance situations by offering options EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS:

Handout #1: Wayne Got the Promotion Handout #2: Charlie Came in Second

PROCEDURE: 1. Explain that this activity is useful in learning to recognize resistance and overcome it by offering options. 2. Point out that when someone is faced with disagreeable situations such as unpleasant work assignments, reduction in status, loss of perquisites, etc., he or she quite often shows emotions in body language, which we recognize as resistance-indicators. 3. Have the participants suggest typical resistance-indicators and list them on the flipchart. Examples would be rolling of eyes (or loss of eye contact), raised voice, perspiration, artificial half-smile, etc. Point out that body language indicators are clear signals that resistance is present, and appropriate strategies such as suggesting alternatives ought to be employed. 4. Tell the group that the second part of this activity addresses options. Pair up the participants and explain that one partner will become Wayne and the other Charlie. Give the respective handouts to the appropriate parties and ask the participants not to share them. 5. Ask participants to follow the instructions on their handouts and engage in a dialogue as directed. (The participants are encouraged to add creative comments, as long as they stay within the characters and motivations they have been assigned.) 6. For example, one option could be that Wayne will have Charlie set up an informal sub-team within the graphics department, which would actively seek and carry out more special projects and thus give Charlie a stronger role in the department. 7. Allow about 10 minutes and then instruct all participants to stop. 67

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 8. Reconvene and have each pair report out on the options they developed. Lead a discussion addressing the following questions: • What did you learn from this activity? • Were the suggested options practical, and did they meet the core objectives of both Wayne and Charlie? • After the activity was over, was there less resistance than at the beginning? More resistance? • If more resistance, what could have been done to make certain that resistance was not increased but lessened? DEBRIEF: In exploring options, both parties should first analyze how each is affected by a change in circumstances, in this case the original departmental reorganization. The interests of each party should be examined so that both individuals work toward gaining satisfaction from mutually acceptable options. Practical options need to be explored and the pros and cons examined. Finally, after an option is selected, the resulting action steps should be clearly understood, reviewing what each party will do to make the new arrangement work.

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Resistance. . .Options to the Rescue! Handout #1

Wayne Got the Promotion You are Wayne and for five years you have headed a six-person graphics department. Also for five years, Charlie has headed another six-person graphics department that services different kinds of clients. You and Charlie are considered peer managers. Today, you invite Charlie into your office and explain that the company will be undertaking a major reorganization. The boss has decided that there is no need to maintain two graphics departments, so Charlie’s department will be merged into yours. The combined department will report to you as Director of Graphics, and Charlie will be the Assistant Director of Graphics. Three artists will be laid off, and Charlie will divide his time between administrative duties and working at the board on special projects. Charlie is astonished, hurt, and resistant. You remain calm and suggest that together you will look at alternative options. However, your unspoken core objective is that you must retain the key elements of your power base. (There will be no mention of salary.)

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Handout #2

Charlie Came in Second You are Charlie and for five years you have headed a six-person graphics department. Also for five years, Wayne has headed another six-person graphics department that services different kinds of clients. You and Charlie are considered peer managers. Today, Wayne invites you into his office and explains that the company will be undertaking a major reorganization. The boss has decided that there is no need to maintain two graphics departments, so your department will be merged into Wayne’s. The combined department will report to Wayne as Director of Graphics, and you will be the Assistant Director of Graphics. Three artists will be laid off, and you are supposed to divide your time between administrative duties and working at the board on special projects. You are astonished, hurt, and resistant. You recover and agree to consider other options. Your core objective is to protect the advances you have made in your career and to continue your advancement. (There will be no mention of salary.)

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Listening for the Other Person’s Point of View: Paraphrasing 20 minutes PURPOSE: To emphasize the importance of listening to the other side in a conflict and initially responding by using the valuable skill of paraphrasing. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: None PROCEDURE: 1. Ask participants to review what they already know about listening and ask for comments as to why listening is important in conflict resolution. Show the prepared flipchart, “Listening for Point of View” (see Trainer’s Notes). 2. Discuss how effective listening requires active participation on the part of the listener—the use of such techniques as positive body language and meaningful questions and behaviors that encourage the speaker to continue (such as responding with “Uh huh,” nodding, or using positive voice tones). 3. In addition, one of the most important skills in listening is paraphrasing, defined as “stating in different words what someone has said without losing the essential meaning of the original.” Paraphrasing is not parroting or repeating word-for-word what the speaker said. And paraphrasing calls for careful listening from the start if one is to use paraphrasing to help understand the other person’s point of view. 4. Pair the participants and ask each pair to suggest two or three advantages of paraphrasing. If the participants need help getting started, toss in ideas like, “It helps the other person feel listened to,” “It encourages the speaker to expand on what he or she is saying,” and “It lets you check your understanding before you react to what was said.” Have the pairs report out. 5. Show the prepared flipchart, Five Criteria for Successful Paraphrasing (see Trainer’s Notes).

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 6. Describe a conflict situation you’ve experienced—something important to you—or ask a volunteer to describe one. Instruct the participants to listen and write what they would say to demonstrate their understanding of your original statement—that is, to paraphrase your statement. Using the five criteria on the flipchart, tell them to write as if they are individually talking directly to you. After the written responses are completed, ask the participants to discuss among themselves their respective paraphrasing. 7. Ask for examples of what the participants wrote and hold a discussion about paraphrasing with the full group. DEBRIEF: The ability to paraphrase is a skill that can be learned, and it is extremely helpful in resolving conflict. Paraphrasing what was heard helps both parties in conflict and shows that we are listening carefully to what is being said. It also creates an opportunity to hear again what has been stated, and it is a chance for the speaker to correct any impressions that may be incorrect. TRAINER’S NOTES: Prepare flipchart entitled “Listening for Point of View” • We listen for content in the form of the main idea of what a person is saying. • We also listen for the feelings expressed by the other person. • We are listening for the person’s values or the ideas that are important to him or her. Prepare second flipchart entitled “Five Criteria for Successful Paraphrasing” • Be interchangeable (neither adding to, nor subtracting from, what was said). • Be brief. • Be original in your own words. • Convey neither approval nor disapproval. • Begin with phrases that verify your understanding of what has been said and how the other party feels.

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Third-Party Mediation 30–50 minutes PURPOSE: To explore third party mediation as an alternative course of action in conflict resolution; to learn the stages of mediation and how to practice them. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: Handout #1: Model Depicting “Stages of Mediation” Handout #2: Scenarios for Mediation Role Play PROCEDURE: 1. Explain that this activity will review the process of mediation and help participants understand the advantage of using mediation to reach an agreement when dealing with workplace disputes. A model and an opportunity to practice specific mediation situations will be offered. 2. Ask participants to think of a time when they were involved in a difficult workplace conflict when a mediator could have been used to help them. Pair participants and have them discuss some real-life situations in which a mediator might have been helpful, or perhaps some examples where a mediator was used. Allow about 5 minutes. 3. Reconvene and, as a group, exchange ideas about the impact of a neutral third-party mediator in helping resolve conflict situations. 4. Present a lecturette explaining that mediation is a process in which disputants meet with a third party and jointly explore the conflict situation. The role of the mediator (often a manager or senior adviser) is to listen carefully to both sides, help identify the underlying issues, and lead the disputants into exploring possible options for resolution. The significance of mediation is that it is a “win-win” situation. With mediation, the outcome is entirely in the hands of the people who are in dispute. (It is truly remarkable how people can cooperate when they realize that they have the power to resolve their problems themselves.) 5. Distribute Handout #1 and review the model depicting the stages of mediation with the group. 6. Now that the participants have looked at the four stages, explain that they will have a chance to discuss and role-play two conflict scenarios. Arrange the participants in groups of three and explain that one person will be the mediator, and the other two will be the disputants. 73

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 7. Distribute Scenarios for Mediation Role Plays, making sure none of the three in each group see each other’s slips of paper. Explain that the goal is to come to an agreement to resolve the conflict by having the mediator conduct the session using the stages outlined in the model handout. Allow about 10 minutes. 8. Reconvene and ask the group to discuss how they feel about the concept of mediation and the roles they played. • Were the rules easy or difficult? • Were there any surprises? • In what ways can mediation help in workplace conflict? DEBRIEF: The strength of mediation is its ability to promote a new way of communicating that shows respect for individuality and encourages understanding and participation in the final resolution of a conflict. Mediators enable disputing parties to interact with one another in a nonthreatening environment. Because mediation encourages equal input on the part of the disputants, they understand that the agreements are mutual and therefore easier to keep than if they had simply been decreed by someone else. TRAINER’S NOTES: Options: The groups can be given either one or both scenarios, or the two different scenarios can be divided between the groups. Time permitting, participants can change roles, taking turns being the mediator.

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Third-Party Mediation Handout #1

Model Depicting “Stages of Mediation”

Agreement/ Conclusion

Opening

Exchange/ Negotiaton

Information Sharing

**************************************************** ***** OPENING—Make the appropriate introductions, explain the mediation process, and ask for the cooperation of all parties. INFORMATION SHARING—Have each person speak openly to you, explaining the situation from his or her perspective. Summarize what has been said to make sure that you understand each person’s position. EXCHANGE & NEGOTIATION—Instruct each person to speak directly to the other party or parties. Guide them to begin by talking about some common goal or shared positive experience. Then lead the disputants into talking about their true feelings and discussing the actual issues of the dispute. To make the transition to an agreement, have the disputants brainstorm all possible options for an agreement. CLOSING—Summarize what has happened and together write an agreement, reminding the disputants of the good-faith aspects of the agreement. Arrange a follow-up meeting to check on progress and acknowledge successes.

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Handout #2

SCENARIOS FOR MEDIATION ROLE PLAYS Prepare for the role play by copying the handout and cutting it into strips along the lines provided. Scenario A **************************************************** ***** MEDIATOR’S COPY With no advance warning, Al and Sam come to work one morning and refuse to speak to each other. This silence continues all day, and the department’s work effectively comes to a standstill. As manager, you feel that you must get this matter resolved, and you call them both into your office to discuss the situation. **************************************************** ***** AL’S COPY You have always been responsible for summarizing and completing the monthly investigation reports covering workflow stoppages. Sam has been responsible for taking your outline and notes and putting the report into a final presentation form with graphics, slides, etc. You and Sam have always worked well together. However, as you see it, in this month’s report, Sam has misrepresented your conclusions and actually changed the content. In addition, Sam took more credit for the report than was warranted. You spoke to Sam about this; he denied it and is no longer speaking to you. **************************************************** ***** SAM’S COPY You have always been responsible for taking Al’s notes and outline and putting his monthly work stoppage report together in a final presentation form with graphics, slides, etc. You and Al have always worked well together, but this month you believe that Al omitted some vital data and you had to cover for him. He claims that the changes you made were inappropriate and also that you gave yourself more credit than you deserved. Neither of you is speaking to the other, and the department is suffering. **************************************************** ***** 76

Third-Party Mediation Handout #2 Scenario B **************************************************** ***** MEDIATOR’S COPY You are the program director of a nonprofit agency that is in dire need of funds. Your fund-raising campaign cannot proceed because two of your decision makers, Ann and Agatha (who must work together), strongly disagree on what approach to use. No one seems to be able to break the deadlock. You are unsure what their differences actually are. They each take distinctly different sides on how the fundraising campaign project should proceed. Neither party is willing to give in, even though you have informally talked to them, emphasizing how important it is to get the project moving. You call them into your office to deal with this situation so that your agency can proceed with the campaign. **************************************************** ***** ANN’S COPY You work for a nonprofit agency and it is fundraising time. You strongly believe that funds should be raised through new and fresh programs and that you should be writing grants. You do not feel that you should go after money by begging and using a “tin cup” approach with annoying gimmicks. You feel your organization can accomplish its goals with dignity and style. You firmly insist that this is the right time to make a change. **************************************************** ***** AGATHA’S COPY You personally believe that the traditional ways of fundraising for your nonprofit agency have been effective in the past and should continue rather than be changed. You feel that people are comfortable with the old way and really want to help out. You believe that aggressive pushing for contributions in spite of it being a minor annoyance will still persuade the public to donate generously. You insist on continuing as you have in the past by repeatedly requesting money through ads, letters, phone calls, etc. You feel strongly enough to argue the point vigorously. **************************************************** *****

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Formulating Clear Agreements 30–40 minutes PURPOSE: To provide participants with an opportunity to understand the importance of formulating clear agreements as the final step in resolving conflict. The participants will also observe what goes into making practical agreements, and gain practice developing them through role play. EQUIPMENT: Flipchart MATERIALS: None PROCEDURE: 1. Begin by sharing the following: The last step in resolving conflict is for the disputants to agree on what actions are to be taken, and to be sure that each understands what the mutual expectations are. It is important that both parties participate equally in the discussion, and that the content of the agreement represents the best resolution attainable by the parties themselves. 2. Ask participants to think about phrases they have heard when a particular agreement is not clear and discuss what happens when expectations aren’t fully met. Give examples such as: • “Although we agreed I would get it done, you didn’t say how you wanted it done. Now that I’m finished, you tell me how I should have done it.” • “I wasn’t told why we weren’t accepting returns without a receipt, so when customers ask why, how do I know what to say?” • “We never discussed your timeline for completing this project, so I didn’t think it was urgent.” 3. Explain that these are the kinds of statements often heard when no agreement has been proposed, or if an agreement exists, it is not clear. There may be unspoken presumptions that have not been mentioned by one or both parties. 4. Tell participants that in order to reach a clear agreement, there are five key questions to be considered. Each begins with “W’” and can become the basis for formulating a clear agreement. Write on a flipchart the following “W’s”: • What? • Who? • When? • What If? • What’s Next? 79

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 5. Tell participants that they will have an opportunity to practice making a clear agreement using the five “W’s,” and instruct them to pair up for role play. 6. Share the following scenario: Paul and Steve agreed to purchase a fishing boat together. A month went by and they had not purchased it. Paul was getting anxious because he wanted to use it this season. One Saturday, Paul and his wife went to a tag sale and saw a fishing boat for $300. He thought it was a good deal, so he ran over to Steve’s house to tell him about it. Steve thought it was a bad idea to buy a boat at a tag sale. The discussion escalated into a heated argument and was becoming a major conflict. However, Paul realized they were getting no place and remembered a training program at work in which “agreement writing” was discussed. He explained it to Steve and they agreed to look at the 5 “W’s” and jointly write an agreement to resolve the dispute. 7. Show the prepared flipchart (see Trainer’s Notes). 8. Instruct participants to discuss and then role-play the Paul-and-Steve scenario, using the five “W’s” to set up the agreement. After they have roleplayed the scenario, tell them to write down a short description of each of the five “W’s” they used. Allow 10 minutes. 9. Reconvene and ask for examples of written agreements. Then lead a discussion, asking the following questions: • How easy or difficult was it to formulate your agreement? • Did any additional conflict occur between you and your partner? • How can formulating clear agreements help resolve conflict? DEBRIEF: Closure is of paramount importance in a conflict-resolution situation. People often think they have settled a conflict when they agree orally, but they may not have closed the loop. A clear agreement will state in writing what has been agreed to. TRAINER’S NOTES: Prepare a flipchart in advance with the following points: • • • • • •

Paul and Steve agreed to purchase a fishing boat together. A month went by but no purchase had been made. Paul was getting anxious. Paul saw a fishing boat for $300 at a tag sale. Steve thought it was a bad idea to buy a boat at a tag sale. The discussion escalated. 80

Curbside Conflict Resolution 30 minutes PURPOSE: To help participants learn how to quickly handle a minor conflict in which a resolution is required, without getting into all the details. This calls for a prompt solution, one they can work out “on the run.” EQUIPMENT: Prepared flipchart MATERIALS: Handout: Carpool Mini Case PROCEDURE: 1. Explain to the group that this activity will give them the chance to look at some comparatively easy steps that can lead to a quick resolution of a conflict. 2. Show the participants the prepared flipchart (see Trainer’s Notes). Briefly review the four steps to be sure everyone understands them. 3. Hand out the mini case and have everyone read it. Pair up the participants and explain that the steps on the flipchart will be used as a guide in the conflict resolution mini case. 4. The members of each pair will select the roles of Stan or Mason and open a discussion. Based on the information supplied in the case description, each disputant should use the five steps on the flipchart to carry out the dialogue. Where lacking, they can create their own additional reasonable facts and examples. The pair should work things out together and try to resolve the conflict successfully. 5. Reconvene and have each pair report out the results of their discussion. The following questions might be helpful: • • • •

How easy or difficult was this case? Explain the reasons for your answer. What surprises did you find, if any? Did you improvise any other steps of your own? If so, what were they? Did you know exactly what you wanted from the other person and what you were willing to do to get it? • List the occasions when this type of conflict resolution might be useful. 81

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution DEBRIEF: It’s important to remember that some conflicts can be resolved quickly and easily, particularly if disputants are solution-oriented and not problem-oriented. The five-step guide provided here should be helpful. TRAINER’S NOTES: Write the following on a flipchart: Five Step Guide that Can Lead to Quick Resolution of a Conflict 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Gather all the necessary facts. Back up all the assertions with examples. Decide what you want from the other person. Consider what you are willing to give. Summarize the discussion and check for understanding and agreement.

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Curbside Conflict Resolution Handout

Carpool Mini Case Stan and Mason work for the same company and have been carpooling for three months. They have an understanding that Stan will pick up Mason and drive the 45 minutes it takes to get to work. Mason will pay Stan for his share of the gas costs. One morning, as Mason gets into the car, he says, “Stan, this is the third time this month you’ve been late, and I’m catching a lot of flack for not being on time. This can’t go on.” Stan replies, “I’m sorry, but I can’t always make it exactly on time. As you know, I’m a single parent and every morning I have to get the kids washed, dressed, fed, and off to school. Besides, my boss isn’t bothered when I’m occasionally late because, when necessary, I make up the time during coffee breaks.”

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Table of Contents—Part 2 Independent Study Introduction to: The Back of the Book . . . Self-Development ................................. I. Exploring Conflict Early Takes on Conflict........................................................................................ Exploring Sources of Conflict.............................................................................. Self-Assessment in Dealing with Differences ................................................... Analyzing a Conflict: Is It Worth Getting Into?..............................................

85 89 91 95 97

II. Know Yourself The Role of Values in Conflict Resolution ........................................................101 In the Heat of the Moment...................................................................................103 Which Conflict Resolution Style Is Yours?.......................................................105 How to Deal with Hot Buttons ..........................................................................109 III. Understanding Conflict Resolving a Conflict through Planning .............................................................113 Why People Avoid Dealing with Conflict Resolution ....................................115 Four Conflict Resolution Styles: When to Use Each .......................................117 Mediation: Test Your Knowledge .......................................................................121 IV. Values and Perceptions Evaluating Your Conflict Resolution Skills .....................................................127 First Thoughts about Others: “Perception IQ” Quiz ......................................129 The Ideal Peacemaker: Can You Imagine That? ...............................................133 V. Resolving Conflict Situations Uncovering the Hidden Agenda...........................................................................137 Your Turn: A Nonjudgmental Exercise...............................................................139 A Questionable Exercise.......................................................................................143 Direct Communication: Its Use in Conflict Resolution..................................149 Supportive Listening: What’s Your Score? ........................................................151 Skills That Make a Difference .............................................................................153 Fact vs. Opinion ....................................................................................................155 Escalate vs. Acknowledge: The Choice Is Yours...............................................157 Turning Negatives into Positives .......................................................................159 Eight Different Points of View............................................................................161 85

Introduction to: The Back of the Book . . . Self-Development This section of the book offers an individualized approach to learning about and dealing with conflict. As you approach the forthcoming exercises, take a moment to think about the value of independent study and the importance of people taking responsibility for their own learning. While teachers and trainers are basic to many learning processes, there is still room for individuals to contribute to their own learning by exploring their personal insights and experiences. It is important to recognize that positive learning takes place when an individual is alone or completing a self-study worksheet. The results can enrich personal growth, improve retention, and develop a sense of gratification. From the learner’s point of view, self-instruction provides a broad range of tools and methods to be used to good advantage. Self-development will enhance management-development courses such as leadership, diversity training, communication, interpersonal skills, and of course, conflict resolution. As an independent learner, you will have a chance to work with assessment instruments that focus on conflict-resolution styles and skills and readiness analysis, and use reflective exercises. You will also have an opportunity to assess where you stand on many other conflict issues. Each exercise includes a description of the purpose of the exercise, an introduction of the topic, and perhaps a worksheet with instructions. The exercise is concluded with a summary. In some cases where there are questions asked, you will find an explanation of the answers so that you can check them and recognize where you have succeeded and where you need more work. These exercises address a broad range of subjects on the topic of conflict resolution. They include ways to explore conflict from your personal point of view and understand it in terms of values and perceptions. There are specific skills that can be learned and put into practice to prevent conflict from escalating.

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution As explained in the beginning of the book, this section can be used in three ways: As a stand-alone course with exercises that encourage participants to take the initiative for their own learning, As assigned homework or classwork to reinforce group activities on conflict resolution, As a basis for new workshops and group activities. These exercises lend themselves to a process whereby you can develop a long-term plan to deal with conflict. They will help you explore language (both verbal and non-verbal) and also offer specific communication hints in building relationships that will help you to move forward successfully in a conflict situation. The Back of the Book’s self-development exercises are grouped into the same five categories as those in the front of the book. They are as follows: I. II. III. IV. V.

Exploring Conflict Know Yourself Understanding Conflict Values and Perceptions Resolving Conflict Situations

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THE BACK OF THE BOOK: SELF-DEVELOPMENT

I EXPLORING CONFLICT

Early Takes on Conflict PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To examine your own thoughts and feelings about conflict and conflict resolution, and establish a baseline for your perspective. INTRODUCTION: The word “conflict” is used by many people and can mean different things to each person. Let’s start by understanding what it means to you. We will define it and then explore factors that in the past may have shaped your definition.

WORKSHEET 1. My definition of conflict is _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 2. Think of an early conflict in your life. Comment on the following: Who was involved? ___________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ What were the reasons behind the conflict? _______________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ What methods were used to resolve it? __________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3. Now bring yourself to the present and think about some current conflict, preferably in the workplace. Comment on that situation. Who was involved? ___________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ What were the reasons behind the conflict ? ______________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution What methods were used to resolve it? __________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Were these methods different than the earlier methods? If so, how? _________ _____________________________________________________________________ There are no right or wrong answers to the questions raised on the worksheet. However, it is important to know how you feel about the subject of conflict. The more you understand how it impacts you and your relationships, the better you will be able to handle difficult situations in the future. You can learn to deal with it in a positive way, especially in today’s world where many people believe that conflict is part of everyday life.

SUMMARY To review your definition of conflict, check out the following two definitions: 1. Webster’s New World Dictionary gives as synonyms of conflict words like fight, struggle, and contention, and defines it as a “sharp disagreement or opposition of interests, ideas, etc.” 2. A different definition is found in a statement from psychologist Jean Baker Miller’s book, Toward a New Psychology of Women. She says, “Conflict is the source of all growth and an absolute necessity if one is to be alive.” Attitudes about conflict are changing today. People view it as a natural part of life, and increasingly believe that it allows both parties to learn from each other and benefit in ways that have never been thought of before. Consequently, the more you know about yourself and your experiences with conflict, the more likely you are to develop effective resolution skills. The goal is to learn to use constructive communication to resolve conflicts.

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Exploring Sources of Conflict PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To uncover the sources of conflict and better understand their effect on conflict situations. INTRODUCTION: The sources of conflict play an integral role in the conflict resolution process. Addressing them properly can lead to quicker resolution, and in some cases even solve the problem.

WORKSHEET Think about the reasons why a particular conflict might develop at work. Perhaps it would be prompted by external factors over which you have no control, such as inadequate supplies, difficult time constraints, or an overbearing boss. It could be based on internal factors ingrained in your behavior, such as your perceptions of a situation or the people involved, or a difference in values. 1. List all of the external factors you can think of that can cause conflict. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 2. List all of the internal factors that can contribute to conflict. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3. List the behaviors of others that you find annoying enough to bring about conflict. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 4. Now think about a real life conflict experience. Jot down your ideas of how knowledge of the sources of conflict help in either avoiding or resolving a difficult situation. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

SUGGESTED SOURCES OF CONFLICT Your page might look much like the one below, and include some points that you may not have thought of. Keep them handy for future reference! 1. List all of the external factors you can think of that cause conflict. Lack of available personnel; poorly functioning equipment; inefficient performance; time constraints; divergent goals; hostile work environments; inadequate scheduling; over-limiting work rules; poorly crafted institutional policies; unclear lines of authority; declines in business; lack of capital for investment; costs out of control. 2. List all of the internal factors that contribute to conflict. Incorrect assumptions; dissimilar values; poor work habits; biases; prejudices against the unfamiliar; ingrained and early personal experiences; unrealistic expectations; perceptions; personal uncertainties; inflexibility; failure to assume responsibilities. 3. List the behaviors of others that you find annoying enough to bring about a conflict. Miscommunication; constant interruption; cursing; shouting; offensive personal hygiene; clash of styles; inattentiveness; boorish behavior; overemotionalism; disrespect; judgmental comments; constant bragging; repeated excuses.

94

Exploring Sources of Conflict 4. Now think about a real life conflict experience. Jot down your ideas of how knowing the sources of conflict with help in either avoiding or resolving a difficult situation. For example, two businessmen are in conflict over an agreement involving a significant amount of money. After considerable wrangling, the parties discover that one man assumed a certain figure was “before taxes” and the other “after taxes.” The source of the conflict was a clear case of miscommunication; when this matter was addressed, the two parties were able to reconcile their differences.

SUMMARY This exercise has explored both external and internal factors that cause or contribute to conflict. Understanding the sources of conflict will likely help in resolving a specific conflict situation. The more you know about the background of a specific situation, the more likely you will help the disputants reach a resolution.

95

Self-Assessment in Dealing With Differences PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To assess one’s own attitudes in dealing with differences INTRODUCTION: Every individual has a general worldview when it comes to other people, and this affects the way they handle conflict. For each of the pairs of statements below, check either A or B as most representative of your experience. 1. A. ____ B. ____ 2. A. ____

3.

4. 5.

6.

7.

8. 9. 10.

I have always worked with people like me. My work has required me to deal with diverse groups of people. I only know English, and believe it is up to limited-English speakers to learn this language. B. ____ I’m interested in other languages and communicate easily with limited-English speakers. A. ____ I feel uncomfortable around people with disabilities. B. ____ I reach out to people with disabilities because I am interested in others. A. ____ I go with my first impressions of people. B. ____ I realize that first impressions are not enough to make a judgment. ____ A. If someone’s name is very unfamiliar to me, I suggest that I call that person by a nickname. B. ____ When someone’s name is unfamiliar, I try to pronounce it correctly. ____ A. I see nothing wrong with using words like “girl,” “boy,” or “honey” when referring to my co-workers. B. ____ I’m aware that “girl,” “boy,” and “honey” might be offensive to some people. A. ____ I believe that people from backgrounds different from my own must learn “our ways” quickly. B. ____ I realize that different perspectives can contribute greatly to good decision-making. A. ____ I believe that differences make it harder for people to work together. B. ____ I’m willing to consider differences as positive contributions. A. ____ I do not enjoy trying food or drinks that are unfamiliar. B. ____ I am open to new food experiences. A. ____ I am not comfortable being the “only” in a group. B. ____ I am aware that it is difficult to be the “only” in a group, yet I find it challenging.

COUNT THE NUMBER OF As AND Bs: Number of 97

A replies _____ B replies _____

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution

SUMMARY You have just identified your general worldview. Obviously, this view affects how you will deal with conflicts involving people who are different than you. If most of your answers were A, you probably have an outlook that is ethnocentric and believe that your culture is not only best for you, but also best for most other people. This makes resolving disputes more difficult. Our goal is not to change your values, but to give you some new insights and information about communication that may help in resolving disagreements with people who are different. If most of your answers were B, your outlook is likely to be one that is flexible and accepting of differences. We hope you will gain some additional understanding and new skills from this book that will be helpful in dealing with various complexities present in most disputes. We hope that this self-inventory has given you some insight into your personal preferences and personal comfort zone in dealing with people with different cultures, backgrounds, attitudes, etc. This self-knowledge will probably influence how you will behave or respond in a conflict situation. It should also help you to understand the values and comfort levels of others who may be involved with you in a conflict.

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Analyzing a Conflict: Is It Worth Getting Into? PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To learn to analyze a conflict situation and decide what the real issues are and whether or not the conflict is worth working on. INTRODUCTION: Often when a conflict arises, people deal with it on the spot without giving much thought to the situation or the unintended, unexpected consequences of the outcome.

WORKSHEET Here is a way to help you examine a conflict by first thinking about how you feel about it and then considering whether it is worth working on at all. Answer the questions below, considering a conflict that you may be facing or one that you are already engaged in. (You also may want to explore a past conflict for this analysis. If so, change the questions to the past tense.) 1. Briefly describe the conflict. State what it’s about. _______________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 2. Who is involved? _____________________________________________________ 3. What is the relationship between the people involved ? ___________________ 4. What are your feelings about this situation? _____________________________ 5. What do you think the other person really wants? ________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 6. How do you think that person feels? ____________________________________ 7. What do you think the real issues are? __________________________________ 8. What do you think the other person thinks about that? ___________________ 9. Describe in a few words what you said or did and what the other person said or did. ______________________________________________________________ 10. Consider the consequences—both positive and negative. What do you see as the outcome? ________________________________________________________

99

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution The last question to address is: “Are the potential consequences in either direction worth addressing?”

SUMMARY Professionals who work in the field of conflict resolution generally believe that addressing a conflict in a positive and planned way will bring positive results. This exercise gives you a chance to analyze a conflict and look at it from your own as well as the other person’s perspective. Questions like these can help you decide how you want to proceed and whether the outcome is important enough for you to spend the time and effort to resolve the situation. Good luck!

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THE BACK OF THE BOOK: SELF-DEVELOPMENT

II KNOW YOURSELF

The Role of Values in Conflict Resolution PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To explore how individual differences in values underlie the effect that culture has on creating and attempting to resolve conflict. INTRODUCTION: Those people who are most effective in resolving conflict across diversity lines know and understand their own beliefs and values. They recognize that others may bring different sets of values and beliefs to the process.

WORKSHEET Here is a way to examine values. Place an X on the continuum closest to your personal beliefs. Column A

Continuum

Column B

Informality is the way to go.

......................

Formal behavior and dress are most important.

Communication should be direct.

......................

Indirect communication is more effective.

Competition leads to success.

......................

Harmony brings better results.

Time-sense is extremely important.

......................

Promptness is not a major concern.

Authority needs to be questioned.

......................

Authority is worthy of trust.

Emotions can be shown.

......................

Emotions should be controlled.

The individual can stand out from the group.

......................

The group is most important.

I am youth-oriented.

......................

Age should be appreciated.

Admission of error is important.

......................

Saving face supersedes all.

There are exceptions to every rule.

......................

Rules are meant to be obeyed.

People are measured by their accomplishments.

......................

People are measured by their good qualities.

From top to bottom, connect the X’s to give you an idea of your profile. What does your profile look like? Those people from a traditionally Western perspective are likely to relate to the statements in Column A. People from non-Western cultures may easily fall closest to those in Column B. 103

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution

SUMMARY This simple exercise points out one reason why people from individualistic competitive cultures (such as that of the U.S.) may have difficulty appreciating other people for whom group well-being and harmony are key values.

104

In the Heat of the Moment PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To examine how emotions might interfere with the process of conflict resolution. INTRODUCTION: Often in a conflict situation, emotions take over and make it difficult for the parties to remain focused. Conflict-resolution skills may be put to use to reduce the tension.

WORKSHEET Think back to the conflict situations you have taken part in. Try to imagine what your feelings were at those times and list the emotions that surfaced when you were engaged in conflict. 1. List the emotions you feel when you are involved in conflict. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 2. List how these emotions impact your ability to resolve conflict. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3. List ways that you can bring your “emotional temperature” down. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Now turn the page for a list of emotions that often surface in conflict and tips to reduce negative emotions. Compare the emotions you listed with our list. 105

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Emotions

Tips for Reducing Negative Emotions

Anger

Lower your voice, speak softly, express concerns in a calm manner Acknowledge the other person’s feelings Suggest a time-out Show empathy Listen and paraphrase Review and take pride in own assets Analyze reasons; minimize effect

Hurt Pain Resentment Fear Jealousy Hatred

SUMMARY It is important that you understand one thing: The display of negative emotions has no place in conflict resolution. They are counterproductive; conflicts have often remained unresolved because of them. It takes fair, honest, open-minded, and dedicated participants to overcome serious negative emotions on either side. Keep in mind that you can find an entire range of conflict-resolution skills in the activities and exercises included in this book that will help make the process successful.

106

Which Conflict-Resolution Style Is Yours? PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To become familiar with the four basic conflictresolution styles and identify your predominant style. INTRODUCTION: There are four conflict-resolution styles: Avoidance, Competition, Adaptation, and Cooperation. Each of these four styles may work in different situations, but people are generally more comfortable using one style over another. This exercise is an opportunity to determine which style you are most comfortable with.

WORKSHEET The four conflict resolution styles to be used in the worksheet are identified as follows: Avoidance—where people withdraw to avoid conflict. They believe it is hopeless to try to resolve conflict, and easier to step back from a conflict situation. The avoidance style leads to a “lose-lose” approach. Competition—where one disputant tries to overpower another disputant by forcing his or her own solution on the other person. This style is considered a “win-lose” approach. Adaptation—where people feel that the relationships are more important than their own goals. They want to be liked and accepted, and harmony is the most important thing. These people are choosing a “lose-win” approach. Cooperation—where disputants highly value their own goals and relationships. They consider conflicts as problems to be solved, and want both parties to achieve their goals. These disputants are not satisfied until an acceptable solution is found for both parties. They have chosen a “win-win” approach. The following worksheet contains 23 statements and a score sheet to help you identify your predominant conflict-resolution style.

107

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution

WORKSHEET Read each statement and indicate on the scale how typical each statement is of your feelings about conflict.

1. I try to get along with the person I am in conflict with. 2. For me, conflict situations are either win-win or win-lose. I plan to win. 3. I try to stay away from situations that might be confrontational. 4. For me, it is important that both parties’ needs are met. I look for ways to make that happen. 5. I use whatever tactics are necessary to win. 6. I believe it is hopeless to try to resolve conflict. 7. My goals are more important to me than the relationship. 8. I want to be liked and accepted by others. 9. To me, conflict is a “lose-lose” approach. 10. My goals are important to me, but so is the relationship. 11. Acceptance by others is not important to me. Winning is. 12. I will do whatever I can to ignore issues that might lead to conflict. 13. I try to find things we both agree on. 14. I try to be with people I get along with and avoid relationships I think may result in conflict. 15. My goal is to find a solution where both parties win. 16. I often find I am trying to smooth things over for the sake of the relationship. 17. I am unwilling to change what I want. 18. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. 19. I’m willing to go along if it makes you happy. 20. I am not satisfied until an acceptable solution is found. 21. Not only do I not like to engage in conflict, I don’t want to be around others who might engage in conflict. 22. I am direct about what I want, and I expect to get it. 23. I am willing to give up if it makes the other person happy.

108

1

2

3

4

5

Almost never

Rarely

Sometimes

Often

Very often

Which Conflict Resolution Style Is Yours?

SCORE SHEET List below the ranking that you selected for each statement. Then total the numbers in each column. The column with the highest score indicates your predominant style. Avoidance

Competition

Adaptation

Cooperation

3 _______

2 _______

8 _______

1 _______

6 _______

5 _______

16 _______

4 _______

9 _______

7 _______

18 _______

10 _______

12 _______

11 _______

19 _______

13 _______

14 _______

17 _______

23 _______

15 _______

21 _______

22 _______

_______

20 _______

_______

_______

_______

Totals _______

SUMMARY The score sheet above can help you determine which style might be your strongest. Of course, most people are comfortable with more than one style, so use the above questions and chart to think about your predominant style and those occasions when another style might be more appropriate.

109

How to Deal with Hot Buttons PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To understand the meaning and implications of the term “hot button” and how this information fits in with the process of conflict resolution. INTRODUCTION: We use the term “hot button” to describe what happens when person A does or says something specific that causes an extreme reaction from person B. Person A may not realize that he or she has “pushed the other person’s hot button,” thereby adding fuel to the fire and creating a greater misunderstanding.

WORKSHEET Most of us have at least one “hot button.” When ours are pushed, it is almost impossible to respond in a constructive way, particularly when we are in the middle of a conflict. (Examples of hot buttons: ethnic slurs, stereotypes, namecalling.) List below any words, statements, or behavior that are hot buttons for you: 1. ________________________________

3. _________________________________

2. ________________________________

4. _________________________________

What strategies have you used to deal with your hot buttons? 1. ________________________________

3. _________________________________

2. ________________________________

4. _________________________________

Other people have hot buttons, too. How might you deal with those hot buttons you push in a conflict situation? What skills would be helpful? 1. ________________________________

3. _________________________________

2. ________________________________

4. _________________________________

On the next page you will find some skills to help you deal with “hot button” situations.

111

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution

SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH HOT BUTTONS To help you deal with hot buttons, check your approach and develop skills to deal with them, such as those listed below: 1. Neutralize the situation by detachment. Mentally detach yourself. Step back from the situation and take a few deep breaths. Give yourself and the other person some space. 2. Recognize others’ feelings. When you realize that a hot button has been pushed, give careful thought to your next move in order to avoid pushing more or adding to the hurt. 3. Allow things to cool down. Collect more data. Ask questions that will help you get a deeper understanding of the situation. 4. Look for commonalties and use positive language. Focus on the goals you both have in common. Use “we” language, as in “We both would like to…”

SUMMARY Because hot buttons are words or actions that can trigger negative responses, it is vital that they be taken into consideration during a conflict situation. Since they often exacerbate a conflict, all parties must be aware of the impact they make. When a hot button issue comes up, it is important to recognize it for what it is; detach yourself from it, allow the situation to cool off, and move on. The more sensitive you are to hot buttons (your own and others’), the easier it is to avoid their use and not take things personally. In general, you should always use positive language when resolving conflicts.

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THE BACK OF THE BOOK: SELF-DEVELOPMENT

III UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT

Resolving a Conflict through Planning PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To demonstrate the planning that ought to be part of every conflict resolution process. INTRODUCTION: Because of the serious nature of most conflicts and the important consequences to the parties involved, careful forethought should be given to each part of the planning process before actual conflict resolution begins.

WORKSHEET Think about a conflict that you will be dealing with soon, or one that you would like to help resolve. The following basic questions will guide you through the planning process. 1. How much do I know about the parties and the issues? 2. How serious is this conflict? Is it important enough to get involved? 3. What are the consequences if this conflict is not resolved for me personally? For the group I work with? 4. Where should the meeting be held, and who should be there? 5. What are the time constraints for the initial meeting? What are the time constraints for reaching a solution? 6. What resources can I use? (Interviews, mentors, peer personnel, human resources department, publications, etc.) 7. What do I hope to gain? 8. What am I willing to do to close the conflict?

SUMMARY In preparing for a conflict resolution meeting, you should consider certain other preparation steps. If this is your first conflict-resolution situation, you can help strengthen your role by reviewing appropriate activities and exercises in this book. If you have been involved in other situations in the past, you might pause to draw upon the knowledge gained from your other experiences. 115

Why People Avoid Dealing with Conflict Resolution PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To explore reasons why some people are often unwilling to deal with the process of conflict resolution. INTRODUCTION: Do you find yourself quick to avoid dealing with conflict? This exercise will examine typical reasons why some people avoid it and give you some insight into why it might be so difficult.

WORKSHEET Read over the following sentences and check those that describe your feelings about the conflict-resolution process. 1.

_____ I don’t have time.

2.

_____ I don’t want to end up being the tough guy.

3.

_____ Nobody in my past career history has shown me the way. I have no role model.

4.

_____ Others will not want me to interfere.

5.

_____ People don’t ask for my help.

6.

_____ I think others should know what to do.

7.

_____ I don’t care.

POINTS TO CONSIDER 1. Though conflict resolution takes time, it may take much more time if the situation is allowed to continue without being addressed. 2. Conflict-resolution skills can help achieve a win-win solution that recognizes the needs and interests of all parties, where no one has to stand out as the “tough guy.” 3. Study the printed material on conflict resolution, learn from others, and take courses on it wherever possible. Find a role model! 4. In the conflict-resolution process, communication skills can be employed that allow you to be an equal participant rather than a person who interferes. 117

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 5. As you become successful at dealing with conflict, you will likely find that others will see value in how you handle situations and come to respect you for that. 6. Novices in resolving conflict often do not know how to handle it, and appreciate help from those who have conflict-resolution skills. 7. An “I don’t care” attitude will not get you very far. You will care when you are comfortable with the situation and know how to reach a positive resolution.

SUMMARY As in any undertaking, the more you know about a subject, the more comfortable you will be with it and the easier it will become. Because conflict is pervasive in today’s workplace, it is especially important that people work to overcome their discomfort and be willing to invest their time to learn to deal with conflict in a positive way. Clearly there are many more reasons why people avoid trying to resolve conflict; you may have some others of your own. However, the Points to Consider should get you thinking about the avoidance issue.

118

Four Conflict Resolution Styles: When to Use Each PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To become more familiar with the four basic conflict-resolution styles, and to learn to recognize when one style will be more useful than others. INTRODUCTION: There are four conflict-resolution styles: Avoidance, Competition, Adaptation, and Cooperation. Each of these four styles works best in different circumstances. This exercise is an opportunity to explore situations when one style might be more effective than others.

WORKSHEET The four conflict resolution styles are identified as: Avoidance—where people withdraw to avoid conflict. They believe it is hopeless to try to resolve conflict, and usually step away from a conflict situation. This style leads to a “lose-lose” situation. Competition—where one disputant tries to overpower another disputant by forcing his or her own solution on the other person. This style is considered a “win-lose” approach. Adaptation—where people feel that relationships are more important than their own goals. They want to be liked and accepted; harmony is the important goal. These people are choosing a “lose-win” approach. Cooperation—where disputants highly value their own goals and relationships with others. They consider conflicts as problems to be solved, and want both parties to achieve their goals. These disputants are not satisfied until an acceptable solution is found for both parties. They have chosen a “win-win” approach. The chart the following page contains statements describing when certain styles are particularly useful. Read each statement and identify which style you believe would be most effective for that situation by placing a check mark in the appropriate column. When you finish, you’ll find the correct answers on the following page. Check to see how you did. 119

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Place your checkmark in the appropriate column. Avoidance

Competition

Useful when quick action is needed Useful when you need to gain commitment Useful to postpone tension Useful to maintain balance and harmony Useful to delay action while gaining more information Useful in situations where someone tries to take advantage of noncompetitive behavior Useful to allow for mutual exploration of creative approaches Useful when others might solve the conflict more effectively Useful when it is not important for you to win Useful when emotions are strong Useful when relationships are important to both Useful when the issue is worth the consequences

120

Adaptation

Cooperation

Four Conflict Resolution Styles: When to Use Each

121

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Check your answers. Avoidance Useful when quick action is needed

Competition

Adaptation



Useful when you need to gain commitment Useful to postpone tension

 

Useful to maintain balance and harmony Useful to delay action while gaining more information

 

Useful in situations where someone tries to take advantage of noncompetitive behavior



Useful to allow for mutual exploration of creative approaches Useful when others might solve the conflict more effectively

 

Useful when it is not important for you to win Useful when emotions are strong

 

Useful when relationships are important to both Useful when the issue is worth the consequences

Cooperation

  SUMMARY

The information in the chart above suggests that there are times when one particular style works best. However, there may be times when alternative 122

Four Conflict Resolution Styles: When to Use Each choices are more appropriate.

123

Mediation: Test Your Knowledge PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To find out what you know or believe to be true about mediation, and to clarify possible misconceptions. INTRODUCTION: Most people have only vague notions about mediation. Because mediation is used in so many varying situations, it has come to mean different things to different people. (For example, some people believe that in mediation, decisions are handed down by an outsider.) Not only is mediation useful in resolving disputes in fields such as construction, labor relations, business, family law, real estate, etc., there are basic ground rules common to all. Mediation, often called “Alternate Dispute Resolution,” should be considered by anyone involved in conflict resolution.

WORKSHEET GENERAL PRINCIPLES OF MEDIATION As you read the following sentences, think about what mediation means to you and respond to each statement with a “T” for true or an “F” for false. Then check your answers with those provided on the next page. If you have 11 or more “true” statements, congratulations! If you marked ten or fewer as “true,” you need to learn more. A mediator is often very helpful in the conflict-resolution process; you will find more information about the subject in books or other publications, in courses, and on the Internet.

125

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution

“PRINCIPLES OF MEDIATION” QUIZ 1. _____ Mediation assumes that people can resolve conflicts and are capable of discovering their own resources for doing so. 2. _____ Mediators are in control and often make suggestions or give advice. 3. _____ Mediators control the content of conflict issues and make the decisions. 4. _____ Feelings and interpretations, as well as facts, are useful data in a mediation. 5. _____ Mediators use the data in a flexible structure that they adapt to the context of each particular situation. 6. _____ Values, beliefs, and attitudes are not the focus of mediation, but they can be discussed when clarifying issues for both parties. 7. _____ Mediation often calls for requiring people to change their own values. 8. _____ Mediation encourages people to choose options for resolving conflict based on jointly agreed-upon and acceptable standards, without regard to the mediator’s values. 9. _____ Because the mediators themselves are committed to confidentiality, the disputants are often more open to the viewpoints of others and willing to take risks. 10. _____ Balance between the parties in the final agreement is not important. 11. _____ Mediated agreements focus on measurable behavior, rather than vague attitude shifts. 12. _____ Participants in a mediation are likely to carry out agreements because they are personally involved in making the decision and have a stake in the outcome. 13. _____ In a mediation, agreements are coerced and attention is paid to recognizing and appreciating power.

126

Mediation: Test Your Knowledge

ANSWERS TO “PRINCIPLES OF MEDIATION” QUIZ 1.

T

Mediation assumes that people can resolve conflicts and are capable of discovering their own resources for doing so.

2.

F

Mediators are in control and often make suggestions or give advice.

3.

F

Mediators control the content of conflict issues and make the decisions.

4.

T

Feelings and interpretations, as well as facts, are useful data in a mediation.

5.

T

Mediators use the data in a flexible structure that they adapt to the context of each particular situation.

6.

T

Values, beliefs, and attitudes are not the focus of mediation, but they can be discussed when clarifying issues for both parties.

7.

F

Mediation often calls for requiring people to change their own values.

8.

T

Mediation encourages people to choose options for resolving conflict based on jointly agreed-upon and acceptable standards, without regard to the mediator’s values.

9.

T

Because the mediators themselves are committed to confidentiality, the disputants are often more open to the viewpoints of others and willing to take risks.

10.

F

Balance between the parties in the final agreement is not important.

11.

T

Mediated agreements focus on measurable behavior, rather than vague attitude shifts.

12.

T

Participants in a mediation are likely to carry out agreements because they are personally involved in making the decision and have a stake in the outcome.

13.

F

In a mediation, agreements are coerced and attention is paid to recognizing and appreciating power.

SUMMARY Mediation is sometimes confused with arbitration. Arbitration, however, is another form of Alternate Dispute Resolution. In mediation, the decisions are made by the participants, and are voluntary. In arbitration, all decisions by the Arbitrator(s), both in the hearings and in the final award, are normally binding. 127

THE BACK OF THE BOOK: SELF-DEVELOPMENT

IV VALUES AND PERCEPTIONS

Evaluating Your Conflict-Resolution Skills PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To help you evaluate your conflict-resolution capabilities. INTRODUCTION: This exercise is for your personal evaluation. It should give you some insight into your strongest skills, as well as those you need to improve.

WORKSHEET Rate yourself on each statement by circling the number that represents your ability, with 5 being most applicable to you (a strong agreement) and 1 being the least applicable (a strong disagreement). Work quickly and spontaneously, without spending too much time on any one question. 1.

I enjoy addressing conflict situations.

5

4

3

2

1

2.

I can deal with different values.

5

4

3

2

1

3.

I am able to turn negatives into positives.

5

4

3

2

1

5

4

3

2

1

4.

I am able to make others comfortable in a conflictresolution situation.

5.

I set up a plan before going into a conflict.

5

4

3

2

1

6.

I know myself and use my strengths strategically.

5

4

3

2

1

5

4

3

2

1

7.

I work toward satisfying the needs of both parties, keeping in mind the desire for a win-win solution.

8.

I know what I want to accomplish.

5

4

3

2

1

9.

I highly value direct communication.

5

4

3

2

1

10.

The questions I ask have a purpose.

5

4

3

2

1

11.

I summarize to clarify my understanding of the situation.

5

4

3

2

1

12.

I am open to exploring options.

5

4

3

2

1

13.

I consider the wants and needs of the other party.

5

4

3

2

1

14.

I have patience.

5

4

3

2

1

15.

I like to listen.

5

4

3

2

1

16.

I am prepared to give and take.

5

4

3

2

1

17.

I appreciate a good brainstorming session.

5

4

3

2

1

18.

I am able to deal with stressful situations.

5

4

3

2

1

19.

I often bring a sense of humor into play to help a tense situation.

5

4

3

2

1

20.

I am sensitive when it comes to the real issues of a conflict.

5

4

3

2

1

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50 Activities for Conflict Resolution

132

Mediation: Test Your Knowledge

SCORE SHEET Total the numbers in each category you have circled on the questionnaire to get your final score. a) Less than 20 You probably find conflict very difficult. Learn as much as you can about the skills you need to acquire. b) 21–40

You might be able to do better. Review your strengths and weaknesses.

c) 41–60

You have some natural capabilities. Try to develop them and expand them.

d) 61–80

You are about to become a winner; a little more effort will get you there.

e) 81–100

You are probably “a natural” when it comes to conflict resolution. You should be very successful.

SUMMARY As you see, the higher the score, the better prepared you are to resolve conflicts. Success in this field demands a wide range of skills. It would therefore be very useful for you to recognize those individual areas of competence where you excel, and work on those skills where improvement is needed.

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First Thoughts about Others: “Perception IQ” Quiz PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To demonstrate how we often make up our minds about a person at first sight. INTRODUCTION: Most of us have been conditioned to size up people on the basis of initial impressions, affecting how we perceive them in conflict situations. Language, assumptions, expectations, and personal values often influence our perceptions.

WORKSHEET Under each topic are four sentences. Mark each one “True” or “False”: 1. Language Issues You are trying to resolve a conflict with someone who was born in another country, a person who speaks with a heavy accent. The person keeps smiling and nodding his head, and even begins to giggle at something you consider to be serious. As a disputant in the conflict, you decide: ____ your opponent is not very intelligent. ____ you are not getting through to him. ____ he’s very happy and thinks the whole thing is silly. ____ there’s no way to get to a solution. 2. Assumptions You are in a conflict situation and somehow you never get to finish a sentence. You are constantly being interrupted and inundated with trivial questions or demands for more detail. In this situation, you assume: ____ the interrupter is rude and thoughtless. ____ the interrupter isn’t listening—he or she just wants to talk. ____ the interrupter is simply demonstrating commitment and interest. ____ the interrupter is totally self-centered and not interested in what is going on. 3. Assumptions You are in a conflict situation and find yourself doing all the talking. The other person never responds or comments and is mostly silent. You assume: ____ the quiet person is shy and withdrawn (insecure). ____ the quiet person is uninterested in what is going on. ____ the quiet person doesn’t speak your language. ____ the quiet person thinks you’re wonderful and will give in to everything you say or request. 135

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 4. Expectations You are in conflict with a carefully-groomed person dressed in a pin-striped “power suit.” You expect that: ____ the person in the suit is trying to set up a power play. ____ the person in the suit is in a position of power in the everyday world. ____ the person in the suit is vain and cares more about his appearance than solving the problem. ____ the person will make everyone else feel ill at ease. 5. Expectations You are in a meeting with a man who is wearing a turban and a long, flowing robe. In this situation, you expect that: ____ the person is from a foreign country and won’t know the language. ____ the person in the turban and robe is so rigid that he won’t be willing to negotiate a solution. ____ the person in the turban and robe will not fully understand what is going on. ____ the person in the turban and robe has some strange and unusual beliefs. 6. Values You are in conflict with a person who is so unhappy and so dissatisfied in what he claims is the poor quality of a contracted service that he refuses to respond to any suggestion you make about talking things out. He switches to verbal attacks on you, gets excited, and raises his voice until it almost reaches the shouting stage. You decide to: ____ quickly stop the discussion so that more productive communication can occur. ____ switch the subject to one that is less volatile. ____ encourage him to modify his style. ____ stop the process, because clearly the two of you will never come to agreement.

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First Thoughts about Others: Perception IQ Quiz

SUMMARY As you check your answers, you have no doubt guessed that all the statements can be either True or False, depending on context. A number of options exist for interpretation of the issues raised. 1. With respect to Language Issues, it is obvious that words and accents get in the way of effective communication. However, nonverbal responses may also become a problem. People nod their heads, say “Yes,” and employ gestures, but if the speakers come from other cultures, they don’t necessarily convey the same meanings as mainstream Americans would expect. Indeed, even smiles may not signify approval or pleasure. Other cultures employ smiling only as a recognition signal, or to cover up embarrassment. 2. With respect to Assumptions, again all answers can be either True or False. Certain conflicts might become unresolvable because some mainstream Americans approach a conflict situation with a predisposition to make assumptions. They might misinterpret other parties’ unfamiliar or even bothersome responses (extended periods of silence, aggressive behavior, over-agreeable attitude, frequent interruptions, withdrawal, etc.). 3. With respect to Expectations, people often draw conclusions about status and authority based on clothing. Their expectations lead them to judge people by their dress, but it is important to remember that dress is an integral part of culture. What people wear and their degree of formality or informality may indicate they are merely following the norms of their own group. 4. With respect to Values, individual approaches to communication often reflect different values. The values of the individuals can conflict with each other and even with those of a third party. The remedies for serious value clashes can range from switching the subject to a less controversial issue or calling for a temporary time out; perhaps the complainer can be persuaded to “lower the temperature,” However, in some cultures, the best chance for a resolution comes only after emotions have been vented and voices are raised. Though conflict resolution does not call for changing basic values, it offers an opportunity to negotiate behaviors comfortable to both parties, thus allowing the participants to keep their own values intact.

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The Ideal Peacemaker: Can You Imagine That? PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To determine what qualities and skills are most typical of effective peacemakers. ( “Peacemaker” is defined in Webster’s New World Dictionary as “a person who makes peace by settling the disagreements of others”.) INTRODUCTION: More than any other time in our history, we are surrounded by violence. Though it seems easier to identify people who practice violence than think about those who possess peacemaking skills, here is an opportunity to look at ideal peacemakers, both real and imaginary, and what distinguishes them from the rest of us.

WORKSHEET Think back to the conflict situations you have read about or been a part of. Begin by considering the finest peacemaker you have ever met, worked with, or read about. Decide on a real person. Fill out the worksheet below: 1. Who is that person? ___________________________________________________ 2. What are the qualities of this person that make him or her stand out so clearly in your mind? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3. What peacemaking skills does that person demonstrate? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Now select a fictional character—based either on a folk tale or other well-known story, or from your imagination. Continue by answering the following questions: 1. What is your imaginary character like? Describe him or her. _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 139

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 2. What are the qualities of this person that make you think of him or her as an ideal peacemaker? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 3. What peacemaking skills would you expect that person to demonstrate? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 4. Do you think those skills are transferable to your personal conflict-resolution ability? In what way? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

SUMMARY It would be a good idea if, from time to time, we gave some thought to those qualities and skills that contribute to the character of an effective peacemaker. When you work on your conflict resolution skills, keep in mind the lessons in the above exercise. Good luck!!

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THE BACK OF THE BOOK: SELF-DEVELOPMENT

V RESOLVING CONFLICT SITUATIONS

Uncovering the Hidden Agenda PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To address two intertwined subjects: the interests of parties engaged in conflict, and how individuals can respond in a nonjudgmental way. INTRODUCTION: Spoken words can mask a speaker’s actual interests and conceal a hidden agenda. The listener might find it helpful to go behind the speaker’s spoken words and try to identify his or her unspoken thoughts. This might not happen quickly, but a well-reasoned discussion can reveal the speaker’s true interests. At the same time, realize that any spoken words can take on meanings that the speaker never intended. A perfectly innocent word or phrase can trigger feelings and emotions in other people, exacerbating discord and transforming a mild conflict situation into full-blown conflict. In all cases, the listener should reply with nonjudgmental responses.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION & WORKSHEET Instead of addressing specific criticisms or complaints, use the technique of Nonjudgmental Responses, which consists of (1) employing replies that will restate the speaker’s real interest, and (2) acknowledging his or her unspoken desires. This approach can be used by parties in conflict or by a neutral third party. If used judiciously, it can lower the temperature and transform a confrontation situation into a reasonable discussion. The essence of this technique is that the listener pays very close attention to the unstated thoughts of the speaker and prepares a careful response. The following is an example of a situation exploring one party’s interests. Notice that the second party uses nonjudgmental responses. A man has complained to his neighbor about his neighbor’s occasional blocking of the complainer’s driveway with his car. The complainer told his neighbor, “If you don’t stop parking that way, I’ll take you to court.” If this had happened to you, think about what the complainer might really need or want and jot down your ideas below: ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 143

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution ________________________________________________________________________ Almost any of your ideas might be true. Here’s what really happened: Complainer’s actual interest involved the occasional visit from his aged mother who could not get around without the aid of a walker. The neighbor’s parked car forced her to climb a steep walkway, rather than walk the shorter and more level path on the driveway. Instead of a blunt response that the complainer “doesn’t own the streets,” the neighbor said, “I can understand how annoying it must be to have your driveway blocked occasionally. Could it be that this has something to do with the elderly woman with the walker I sometimes see at your place?” The neighbor guessed correctly that the complainer had an unspoken concern about his mother’s occasional visits. With this matter out in the open, the parties were able to begin to work out a mutually satisfactory resolution.

SUMMARY Both parties’ statements may appear to be somewhat unreal, but it’s evident that the complainer opens the discussion with an accusation that would probably have led to a serious confrontation. The neighbor responds with a lowkey remark showing empathy, and then adds a follow-up comment indicating that he has sought and possibly found the complainer’s unspoken agenda.

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Your Turn: A Nonjudgmental Exercise PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To understand nonjudgmental responses and practice making them. INTRODUCTION: The ability to frame your responses to potentially incendiary questions or statements nonjudgmentally is one of the most powerful skills in conflict resolution.

WORKSHEET In each of the ten situations below, pretend you are the recipient of a complaint. Decide initially what the complainer’s interest really is. Then think of a response that recognizes the complainer’s interest and initiates a discussion, thereby avoiding an argument. On the form below, fill out your carefully-constructed responses under “Interest” and “Nonjudgmental response.” 1. “I never get overtime and I need the money.” Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 2. “Things have gotten very confused in the shop; it looks like no one’s in charge.” Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 3. “My group talks too much. I can never get anything done.” Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 4. “So I made the same mistake Harry made, but he never got chewed out like I did.” Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 5. “The night shift always leaves the place in a mess.” Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 6. “I had to show the engineer how to fix it, but he took all the credit himself.” Interest: ____________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: _____________________________________________ 145

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 7. “Whose idea was it to change the Chart of Accounts? Interest: ___________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: ____________________________________________ 8. “If we can dress casual on Friday, what’s wrong with casual all week?” Interest: ___________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: ____________________________________________ 9. “Todd always comes to me for help, but then he cuts me off in the parking lot and laughs at me.” Interest: ___________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: ____________________________________________ 10. “I knocked myself out on that cover shot, but then the director calls in an outsider to take over.” Interest: ___________________________________________________________ Nonjudgmental response: ____________________________________________ When completed, compare your responses with the suggested replies on the next page. Keep in mind that there are many correct answers, each based on its own context.

146

Your Turn: A Nonjudgmental Exercise

Suggested Responses to “Your Turn” Exercise Each complaint listed below is followed by a statement that recognizes the complainer’s “Interest,” and then a suggested nonjudgmental response that meets the criteria. 1. “I never get overtime and I need the money.” Interest: ACCESS TO SUPPLEMENTAL INCOME Response might be: “We know that overtime can put money in your pocket quickly. Can you think of other ways to improve your paycheck?” 2. “Things have gotten very confused in the shop; it looks like no one’s in charge.” Interest: ORGANIZATIONAL LAXITY Response might be: “It’s sure no fun working in a place that’s not well organized. I would guess you have some ideas to correct the problem.” 3. “My group talks too much. I can never get anything done.” Interest: ANNOYING CONVERSATION UNRELATED TO WORK Response might be: “It must be hard to work when others are talking all the time. Any thoughts on what we can do to lower the voice level?” 4. “So, I made the same mistake Harry made, but he never got chewed out like I was.” Interest: PERCEIVED INEQUITABLE TREATMENT Response might be: “Do you believe you’re being treated unfairly? We can talk about that.” 5. “The night shift always leaves the place in a mess.” Interest: COOPERATION BY FELLOW EMPLOYEES Response might be: “Why do you think this annoying situation is going on? What approaches might resolve the situation?” 6. “I had to show the engineer how to fix it, but he took all the credit himself.” Interest: ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF CONTRIBUTION Response might be: “I think it’s great that you were able to make the fix. Now we have to see to it that you get all the credit you deserve.” 7. “Whose idea was it to change the Chart of Accounts?” Interest: CONSIDERATION OF THE EFFECT OF CHANGE ON OTHER PEOPLE Response might be: “It must be very frustrating working with an obsolete Chart 147

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution of Accounts. It sure makes your job twice as hard. What do you think we can do to correct the situation?” 8. “If we can dress casual on Friday, what’s wrong with casual all week?” Interest: COMPANY IMAGE Response might be: “You’re saying that the dress code seems inconsistent. Could be… Why do you think there is a dress code?” 9. “Todd always comes to me for help, but then he cuts me off in the parking lot and laughs at me.” Interest: INGRATITUDE Response might be: “That’s really too bad that Todd shows no gratitude for your help. Can you think of any reasons why?” 10. “I knocked myself out on that cover shot, but then the director calls in an outsider to take over.” Interest: PRIDE OF OWNERSHIP Response might be: “Sounds like you feel that your good efforts go unappreciated.”

SUMMARY As part of the conflict-resolution process, the way in which a party or parties phrase a statement or question can determine the form in which a nonjudgmental response is handled. If done skillfully, the level of contention can be reduced. If this exercise is used in a workshop environment, the participants can compare one another’s responses and thus benefit from the broader exchange of ideas.

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A Questionable Exercise PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To explore various types of questions, both positive and negative, and how they can affect a conflict situation. INTRODUCTION: People ask questions for a variety of reasons, not just to get answers. Indeed, questions can be either “open” (encourages people to talk and contribute to the conversation) or “closed” (discourages people from free dialogue and engenders resentment against perceived hostility). Questions that begin with words like “Why?” are also counterproductive.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION & WORKSHEET Why do people ask questions? The obvious answer, “to get answers,” is not always true. Among other reasons that we ask questions are: • to get information (“What happened?”) • to clarify something you don’t understand (“Could you explain this for me?”) • to confirm your own opinion (“Don’t you agree?”) • to get a new perspective (“How do you see it? I know we have different opinions.”) • to check the “facts” (“Isn’t this your jacket?”) • to trap someone (“You knew we weren’t home, didn’t you?”) • to know the “truth” (“You never even tried to call, did you?”) • to draw someone out (“What else. . .?”) Questions are often categorized as either open or closed. Closed or direct questions usually require a one- or two-word answer. • “Did you do that?” • “When did you say that?” • “Who made this mess?” • “Where were you last night?” Closed questions generally do not lend themselves to continued conversation and might be perceived by the person being questioned as hostile or designed to provoke something. Open or open-ended questions are more likely to encourage people to talk and to provide the questioner with new information that might be helpful. They invite the other person to participate in the discussion as an equal, not as a defendant. Here are some examples: 149

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution • • • • •

“And then…?” “How do you see the situation?” “I’m not getting your point; could you please help me understand?” “What would you like from me at this point?” “How did it happen?” “What else...?”

As a general rule, questions that begin with “Why” are not particularly helpful in a conflict situation. They almost always make the other person defensive because there is usually an implied judgment or criticism to the so-called “question.” Think about the following: • “Why did you do that?” (the listener is likely to hear: “Why are you so stupid?”) • “Why did that happen?” (could be heard as “Why did you LET such a terrible thing happen?”) • “Why weren’t you there?” (sounds like “You SHOULD have been there.”) When people feel criticized or defensive, it is difficult for them to respond constructively. Many of us will either refuse to answer or respond in a way that increases rather than decreases the tension. The following exercise will explore typical examples.

150

A Questionable Exercise

A QUESTIONABLE EXERCISE If you really want to find out what is going on with someone, you should experiment with asking open rather than closed questions. As a way to practice, mark each of the questions below as C (closed) or O (open). Then look at the ones you marked as C and identify what the questioner’s purpose was in asking the question. If appropriate, suggest an alternative question or statement to get the same information more effectively. 1

_____ “Didn’t you read the manual before you deleted the program?” _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________

2. _____ “Would you sign a purchase order without reading it first?” _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 3. _____ “Could you clarify the picture by explaining your thinking?” _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 4. _____ “Are you insisting that you always return my calls?” _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 5. _____ “You’re telling two different stories; which one is the truth? _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 6. _____ “Where were you for our meeting this morning?” _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 7. _____ “The entire department waited for you. Why are you consistently showing up late?” _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 8. _____ “Would you lend a hand and explain what’s happening here?” _____ Purpose of the question: ________________________________________ _____ Alternative: ___________________________________________________ 151

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 9. _____ “What can the rest of us do to help us get back on track?” _____ Purpose of the question:________________________________________ _____ Alternative: __________________________________________________ 10. _____ “When did you file the last set of reports?” _____ Purpose of the question:________________________________________ _____ Alternative: __________________________________________________ Although each question might seem appropriate when asked in a particular context, for our purposes, only numbers 3, 8, and 9 are open-ended questions designed to de-escalate emotion and to invite the listener to participate in further discussion or clarification. Below are some possible alternatives to the closed questions as stated, which would be useful if the speaker truly wanted information.

ALTERNATIVES TO THE CLOSED QUESTIONS IN THIS EXERCISE 1. Manuals aren’t always easy to read; let me show you the section that affects this situation and see if you agree with my interpretation. 2. You probably have read a thousand purchase orders filled with boiler-plate language. Let’s sit down together and flag only those provisions that are critical, so you can focus on them. 4. Let’s assign priorities to phone calls, and agree that the high priority ones will always be answered promptly. Also, in all fairness, that should work both ways. 5. I recognize that critical situations can change very fast and might lead to different stories at different times. Just bring me up to date on the latest situation. 6. You must have had a real problem making this morning’s meeting. We can go into that later, but this meeting was critical and I suggest you get one of the attendees to brief you. 7. You must agree that we’ve passed the point where I have to hold up an important meeting just because you are late again. Tell me what you will do to assure that you will make it on time from now on. 10. I know how busy we’ve been, but your last quarterly report was six weeks late. You know that the reports form the basis of our master compliance submission. Now that you realize the importance of timely reports, I don’t expect to see them show up on my desk late again. 152

A Questionable Exercise

SUMMARY Conflicts often escalate as a result of responses that were not intended to be provocative but that the listener “hears” as provocative. This is particularly true when one is dealing with someone from another culture. Our experience is that if you approach such discussions in a nonjudgmental way, you can try to identify what the other speaker may be needing. You can then ask for more information using questions that are open. You are more likely to diffuse the potential conflict so that you can both gain a clearer understanding of each other’s point of view before you make decisions you may regret.

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Direct Communication: Its Use in Conflict Resolution PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To use direct communication as a tool in resolving conflicts. INTRODUCTION: When people are engaged in difficult conflict, they often forget to use one of their most important allies—“direct communication.” Speaking forthrightly helps you assert yourself and prevent emotions from taking over. The four step model described below can help refocus and express what you are looking for.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION & WORKSHEET The four-step model of direct communication includes the following steps: 1. 2. 3. 4.

Describe the specific observed behavior that you want to discuss. Express your feelings and reactions about the behavior. Suggest an alternate behavior. Offer support.

Review the following explanation of each step, and then answer questions on the worksheet that follows. STEP 1: Describe to the other disputant his or her specific behavior that is getting in the way of your ability to resolve the conflict. This will help you and the party involved stay focused. Approach: Keep your message focused on the behavior, not the personality. Remember that your goal is to communicate a way of correcting a situation that is interfering with the dialogue. Example: “When you yell at me…” STEP 2: Express your feelings and reactions about the other person’s behavior. Talking about how you feel gives the other person information about how his or her behavior is impacting you. Approach: Speak using “I” rather than generalizing; use “I feel…” rather than “everyone feels.” Example: “I feel attacked…” STEP 3: Suggest an alternate behavior. The benefit is that this provides specific information on what you need from the other person. Approach: First ask specifically what you want the other person to do. Be sure that it’s doable. Give suggestions, requesting rather than commanding. Example: “Please try to speak to me rather than yell at me.” 155

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution STEP 4: Outline the positive results and offer support; review the situation. This will provide an opportunity to make sure that the other person understands what is expected from the new behavior, and also feels encouraged. Approach: Revisit the points discussed, focusing on the importance of the change in behavior. Be positive about the outcome. ************ Use the following worksheet to plan how you will use direct communication. Think of a past experience where you were engaged in conflict and answer the following questions: 1. What is the behavior? Describe it. 2. When did it occur? 3. How often did it happen? 4. In what situation did it occur? 5. Describe your feelings when the behavior occurred. 6. How did you react? 7. What would you like to see changed? 8. What support can you provide? 9. How can you end on a positive note ?

SUMMARY This exercise gives you an idea of how to use Direct Communication when dealing with a disputant whose behavior you would like to see changed. It is important that that person understands your feelings and expectations. It is extremely useful to keep focused and at the same time to be clear with your suggestions and to be nonthreatening. 156

Supportive Listening: What’s Your Score? PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To help you become more aware of your listening skills, determine where your strengths are, and discover what aspects you might develop more fully. INTRODUCTION: This exercise provides a quantitative self-assessment analysis to evaluate your listening skills in questionnaire form.

WORKSHEET Circle the number that most clearly describes your choice. Listening Competency Do You… 1. Pay full attention to the speaker’s message instead of what that person looks like? 2. Assume you know what the speaker will say and quickly start thinking of other things? 3. Listen carefully to others whose opinions are different than your own? 4. Make extra effort when you hear an accent? 5. Avoid listening if it will take extra effort to understand? 6. Listen without making judgments? 7. Let your own emotions get in the way? 8. Make the speaker think you’re giving them your full attention, even if you’re thinking about other things? 9. Figure out and acknowledge the feelings that the speaker might be experiencing? 10. Attempt to determine the purpose of the communication (the speaker’s real needs)? 11. Talk more than listen?

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Almos t alway s

Frequently

Sometimes

Almos t never

4

3

2

1

1

2

3

4

4

3

2

1

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3

2

1

1

2

3

4

4 1 1

3 2 2

2 3 3

1 4 4

4

3

2

1

4

3

2

1

1

2

3

4

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution 12. Check assumptions about the message, the messenger, and the means of communication before you respond? Listening Competency Do You… 13. Summarize in your owns words what you heard the speaker say? 14. Turn your listening experience into a learning one, especially when it involves different people, places, and ideas? 15. Start thinking what you will say while the speaker is still talking? 16. Recognize your “hot buttons” and not let them get in the way of your listening? 17. Interrupt without giving the speaker an opportunity to finish the thought? 18. Check assumptions about the message, the messenger, and the means of communication before you respond?

1

2

3

4

Almos t alway s

Frequently

Sometimes

Almos t never

4

3

2

1

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1

1

2

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1

1

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1

Scoring Total the numbers in each category you circled on the questionnaire to get your score. Almost Always + Frequently + Sometimes + Almost Never = Total ______________ + _________ + __________ + ____________ = ________ Super Listener

59–72

Better than Average

46–58

Average

32–45

Needs Improvement

18–31

SUMMARY The art of listening is far more important than people realize. Experienced 158

A Questionable Exercise conflict-resolution practitioners have developed this ability, and it is in large part responsible for their success. The greatest listening skill is to always instinctively respond with supportive listening when you are put in the position of being the listener. The exercise that follows illustrates the point.

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Skills that Make a Difference PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To revisit the skills that make a difference in the outcome of a conflict-resolution session. INTRODUCTION: It is important from time to time to review the skills that contribute to successful conflict resolution. This exercise will give you an opportunity to rate yourself on those skills.

WORKSHEET Rate yourself on a scale of 1 (low) to 5 (high) in each of these skills: ______ To be open to differences ______ To treat people as individuals ______ To look at whether expectations are real ______ To be aware of stereotypes ______ To check assumptions about other people or groups ______ To accept ambiguity ______ To be comfortable communicating with people different than you ______ To be nonjudgmental ______ To exhibit empathy ______ To listen and observe If your total is close to 50, you are probably communicating well when dealing with conflicts on a variety of issues. If your total is less than 40, you have some work to do to improve your skills.

SUMMARY A nationally-recognized team of experts in the field agree that the above ten skills on which you rated yourself are the most important in conflict resolution. Experience has proven that these obviously desirable skills can help considerably when they are introduced in the resolution process. 161

Fact vs. Opinion PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To clarify the difference between fact and opinion, and learn to use language that reflects facts rather than opinion. INTRODUCTION: Most people believe that they can distinguish fact from opinion. They are often mistaken. To create the climate for understanding and work toward an equitable agreement, disputants need to be able to turn opinions into factual information.

WORKSHEET Place the letter F in front of the sentences you see as statements of Fact and place the letter O in front of the sentences you see as Opinions. 1.

_____ You spend too much time on breaks.

2.

_____ When I left last night, you were still in your office.

3.

_____ You're too impatient.

4.

_____ The draft of the memo you submitted was great.

5.

_____ The raise you requested was granted by the Plant Manager.

6.

_____ It's not fair that you always get the visible assignments at this company.

When you have completed the above exercise, rewrite those sentences that you identified as opinions on the lines below, putting them in the form of factual statements. Check them against the answers on the following page. ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 163

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Fact vs. Opinion—Answers 1.

O

You spend too much time on breaks.

2.

F

When I left last night, you were still in your office.

3.

O

You're too impatient.

4.

O

The draft memo you submitted was great.

5.

F

The raise you requested was granted by the Plant Manager.

6.

O

It's not fair that you always get the visible assignments at this company. Fact vs. Opinion Suggested Rewrites

There are many ways you might have changed the opinion statements to fact. Compare the suggestions below with what you wrote, keeping in mind that the key to a fact is that the rewritten sentences must contain information that has been verified and that has been quantified. 1.

F

_ I've been documenting the time you take for breaks and you consistently take an extra five minutes.

3.

F

_ We have had three customers complain that you have been impatient with them.

4.

F

_ The memo you submitted covered all the required points. It was well done.

6.

F

_ The last three visible assignments have been given to you.

SUMMARY One dictionary defines an opinion as a belief or conclusion held with confidence but not substantiated by positive knowledge or proof. A fact is something that has been objectively verified. It is important that you remain fully aware of their difference, whether you are shading the difference yourself or faced with others who are doing so. When opinions and facts are carelessly thrown around, they are a hindrance rather than a help to conflict resolution.

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Escalate vs. Acknowledge: The Choice Is Yours PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To show how the choice of words or phrases by one party might escalate the confrontational tone of a meeting, or reduce the tension by acknowledging the position of the other party. INTRODUCTION: Participants in a conflict resolution situation are not always aware that they can create greater contention through their choice of certain words and phrases (escalate). By the same token, they can also lower the temperature in a meeting by re-stating the other party’s position (acknowledge). This exercise explores both options.

WORKSHEET Following is a list of typical remarks heard in a conflict-resolution session. Mark “E” for those that lead to escalation, or “A” for those that acknowledge the other party’s position. (See the first two lines for examples.) E A

Why didn’t you listen? That must have been hard for you. It’s interesting that… You ought to apologize to her for… In other words… I think you’re hiding something. If you really felt that way, you would have… So you think that… Your main concern is… If I were you… You are angry because… You’re just trying to get out of it. You say that this issue is important to you. You feel frustrated that the machine is not working. Your office supplies are the most expensive in the department. You see yourself as a very dedicated employee. You’re so late, I don’t think you’ll ever get it done. You’re always disrupting the meeting. It’s upsetting that your overtime is interfering with your family life. It will never work. You are wondering if this problem can be solved.

The following section will give you the correct answers. How did you do? 165

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution E A A E A E E A A E A E A A E A E E A E A

Why didn’t you listen? That must have been hard for you. It’s interesting that… You ought to apologize to her for… In other words… I think you’re hiding something. If you really felt that way, you would have… So you think that… Your main concern is… If I were you… You are angry because… You’re just trying to get out of it. You say that this issue is important to you. You feel frustrated that the machine is not working. Your office supplies are the most expensive in the department. You see yourself as a very dedicated employee. You’re so late, I don’t think you’ll ever get it done. You’re always disrupting the meeting. It’s upsetting that your overtime is interfering with your family life. It will never work. You are wondering if this problem can be solved.

SUMMARY It is important to realize how critical the art of acknowledgment is to conflict resolution. Unfortunately, it is often easier to respond with escalate-type phrases or sentences like these that have the “E” in front of them. Conflict is then escalated without people realizing what caused it. But consider phrases like those marked with an “A.” Acknowledging rather than escalating can go a long way toward reducing the acrimony in a conflict and producing a more conciliatory environment. Aside from escalation, an “E” sentence can also carry hidden meanings that can interfere with the free exchange of ideas and bring out defensiveness. For example, some statements, without appearing to do so, send messages of disapproval. “Why” questions are often challenging and punitive, as are statements that contain “should,” “ought,” “always,” or “never,” and sentences that begin with “You…” On the other hand, the “A” phrases, which carefully re-phrase the speaker’s statements, show acknowledgment and lead to furthering an open discussion during the conflict-resolution process. 166

Turning Negatives into Positives PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To practice the art of re-framing negative statements into positive ones. INTRODUCTION: Negative statements put others on the defensive. If you find yourself using negative statements, remember that it is positive statements that contribute to solving a problem.

WORKSHEET Listed below are typical statements that could arise during a conflict resolution session. Write in the space next to each negative statement the appropriate positive counterpart statement. (See the first line for an example.) Negative Statement You aren’t listening to me.

Positive Counterpart Statement I’d appreciate your full attention for a while.

I’ve never heard of anything like this. That’s not the way we did it before. You’re wrong! I don’t think you’re open to change. You’re not willing to give me what I need. Don’t tell me what to do. You never give me a chance. You always get your way, regardless of others. You got exactly what you wanted and I got nothing. I don’t see it your way. I’m not going to do that. That’s not acceptable to me. I’m not going to discuss this further. You go your way; I’ll go mine. Never! The meeting can’t go on like this. 167

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Suggested Positive Counterpart Statements There is certainly more than one way to convert negative statements into positive ones. Below are some suggested examples. Think about whether your positive statements will help avoid putting the other party on the defensive. Negative Statement You aren’t listening to me. I’ve never heard of anything like this. That’s not the way we did it before. You’re wrong! I don’t think you’re open to change. You’re not willing to give me what I need. Don’t tell me what to do. You never give me a chance. You always get your way, regardless of others. You got exactly what you wanted and I got nothing. I don’t see it your way. I’m not going to do that. That’s not acceptable to me. I’m not going to discuss this further. You go your way; I’ll go mine. Never! The meeting can’t go on like this.

Positive Counterpart Statement I’d appreciate your full attention for a while. This is new to me. It might be a good idea to look at a new way of doing it. Let’s look at it; you may be right. Though it means change, please give it a chance. Can we find a way to meet both our needs? Perhaps you can hold your suggestions for a while. I would prefer to make my own decision. We both need to come out of this satisfied. I’d like to see both of us win. We may have a different points of view; let’s explore. I’d rather try something else. I’d like to look further and discuss options. Let’s schedule another time to meet. Let’s try to find a mutually agreeable solution. Sometimes… Let’s schedule another meeting to give us some time to think.

SUMMARY There are many positive counterpart statements that could be used instead of any single negative statement. One key to advancing the conflict-resolution process is to select the most appropriate positive counterpart in context. Experience and common sense should help; you can experiment by practicing using this skill in your everyday communication. 168

Eight Different Points of View PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To understand that the perceptions of others often play a role in conflict resolution. People frequently base their opinions of others on first impressions, or even on superficial clues. This exercise demonstrates how quick and easy it is to categorize differences based on our own personal frame of reference. INTRODUCTION: Early life experiences and our own beliefs and values generally determine how we look at other people who are different from us. In conflict resolution, it is important to remain open to others, to always be nonjudgmental, and to avoid stereotyping or prejudging.

WORKSHEET Perception can generally be defined as our view of life, of ourselves, and of others. It is based on the interpretation of our past experiences. It is a selective process because it is subjective. Understanding the role of perception in conflict resolution, as well as in our everyday lives, is very important because we view the physical and social worlds around us through the private lens of our own perception. This exercise involves three stages, each with its own version of the graphic describing The Man in the Middle. First Stage Take a few minutes to think about Graphic #1: “The Man in the Middle.” Then, based on your first perceptions, write down a brief description of the man, taking into account his clothing, attitude, half-smile, casual stance, overall appearance, etc. _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ 169

50 Activities for Conflict Resolution Second Stage Now turn to Graphic #2. Then consider how the eight different individuals in the circle might each describe The Man in the Middle, based on their own natural frame of reference. On the lines below, write down your brief description of The Man in the Middle as he might be viewed by each of the individuals around him.

A. _________________________________ E. _________________________________ B. _________________________________ F. _________________________________ C. _________________________________ G. ________________________________ D. _________________________________ H. ________________________________ Third Stage Finally, turn the page and compare your descriptions with those offered in Graphic # 3. Your descriptions may resemble the ones we suggested, or be quite different. One is not necessarily correct or incorrect. There are no winners in this exercise; the purpose is to understand that different points of view have a great influence on how you see others and the world around you. 170

Eight Different Points of View

SUMMARY In conflict resolution and many other forms of interpersonal communication, our perceptions of those we communicate with are often formed quickly. They also may impact our behavior. For example, if you perceive someone to have very different values, you may feel superior and behave in a counterproductive way. If you believe clothes or communication styles are very important, you may treat someone negatively if you disapprove of that person’s style. When there is conflict, individual points of view are likely to affect both attitude and behavior. 171