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Copyright © Summersdale Publishers Ltd 1999 Allrightsreserved No part this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machinelanguagewithoutthewrittenpermissionofthepublisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP United Kingdom www.summersdale.com ISBN 1 84024 097 0 Printed and bound in Great Britain Edited by Elizabeth Kershaw Cartoons by Annie Houseman
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Reasons Why It’s Great To Be A Woman SUMMERSDALE
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd3
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd4
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This book is dedicated to Daring Divas, Cunning Coquettes, Magnificent Mamas andBrilliantBirds. In short, to Everywoman.
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Women of the world unite! It’s not hard, all you have to do is to get at men. It’s our raison d’etre: that, and pulling the poor specimens (which, let’s face it, is pitifully easy). As modern women we can have it all – great job, girly lippy, power suit, fluffy mules, sensitive new New Man, booze-fuelled nights out with the girls – and, armed with a copy of this book, you can justify it, if anyone (a man) counters you. So, get on your menstrual cycle and pedal away, it’s on to some serious female bonding. We’re going to celebrate all the reasons why it’s great to be a girl. 7
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If we’re short, we can wear heels and get away with it. 9
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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If we’re plagued with acne, we can shovel on copious amounts of make-up and get away with it.
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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We can have babies.
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101 REASONS
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If we do decide to have a baby we don’t necessarily have to be permanently up to oureyesin‘cute’babysickandstinking nappies:‘Ican’tbelieveit,you’resucha Neanderthal. What do you mean, you don’t want to be a house husband?’ Case closed. 13
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WOMAN
Since the advent of feminism, we can publicly ogle male naked bodies and not becalledsexist.Ifamanindulgesinthis behaviour over a picture of a naked woman, he is a sexist pig, and recompense must be demanded for this slight on womankind. 14
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
We can demand pressies, chocolate and flowers to settle a disagreement. Men are lazy and fancy the easy way out. 15
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For women, the enjoyment of a night out is considerably increased by a communal girlie visit to that socialforumcalledatoilet.
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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We don’t have to worry about the size of our genitalia, and whether we are hanging to the left or right of the crotch of our trousers.
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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We have three times the amount of potentialsickleave.Takeintoaccountall those days you are unable to work owing to pre, during and post menstrual tension.
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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We can be devastatingly intelligent and yet act dumb and coy when it suits us in order to get our own way (especially with members of the less gifted sex).
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We can blame any technological problems on the fact that aptitude with technology is not a feminine attribute, don’t you know.
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We have more erogenous zones than men.
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We have an excuse to justify an inordinate indulgence in bitchiness: it’s clearly feminine intuition. 24
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Places on a man to inflict most pain: 1) His ego. You will just need a pin to prick it.
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Places on a man to inflict most pain: 2) His goolies. You will need a knee or sharp heel (depending on the extent of the crime against femininity) to jab them.
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Places on a man to inflict most pain: 3) His magazines. You will need some matches and a small clearing in which to perform a ritual burning of his collection of porno mags. 27
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Places on a man to inflict most pain. 4) His emotions. You will need a criminally short skirt, stockings and suspenders in which to a) drive him insane with desire and b) drive him insane with horror when you wear it to meet his mother. 28
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We can always get out of the boring household and maintenance tasks by claiming that it’s men’s work. 30
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We don’t believe that there is a direct link between our sexual prowess and getting a high score on Super Mario Kart.
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We always have an excuse for being out of shape. Sagging bum? ‘That’ll be the baby.’ Flabby tum? ‘Time of the month, you selfish pig.’
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A woman uses the part of her body above the shoulders to think. A man makes his decisions led by the part of his body below the belt.
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The vague promise of between-thesheets action (with no necessary intention to fulfil it) will have any man leaping to attention– To do the menial tasks you want him to, that is. 34
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Breasts, on us, are beautiful, topped with useful, working nipples. On men, they are repugnant and redundant. 36
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Men are not allowed to be sexist but must still be chivalrous. Ladies first. Always.
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Horoscopes in women’s magazines always say nice things about us and thestateofoursexlives. 38
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We can drink delicious and highly colourful cocktails. In public. Without getting punched.
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We understand the mechanism behindatoiletseat. Ittoo,issubjecttogravity.
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Girls’NightsOut. 42
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A girl’s night out means social interaction and discussion. A boy’s night out consists of such scintillating conversation as ‘Who’sgettingthepintsin,then?’
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The contents of our bathroom cabinets are creative works of art, numbering around roughly 600 items of various colours and smells.
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We don’t have to plan our Saturday night around the football highlights.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd45
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We can wear a man’s clothes and look sexyandwaif-like.Ifamantriesthis withourattirehelooksridiculous andisliabletogetbeatenup.
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Women’s sex drive just keeps on climbing theolderweget.Formen,it’sall downhillaftertwenty-five. 48
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Having a baby means paid holiday, both before, during and after you drop the sprog (and additional time for ‘adjustment for the new autonomousindividual’,ofcourse).
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Women are intelligent, perceptive and caring. The only men that are sensitive,lovingandgoodlooking are the ones with boyfriends.
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We don’t, when drunk, feel the need to expose our buttock cheeks to the bitter elements, or to write our names, organically, in the snow.
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Women have grown out of playing with toys and buy sensible things (lippy, leg wax, vodka and tonics). Men have not, and as they get older the toys become increasingly sillier, more expensive and unworkable. Also, a man won’t ever be able to use the gadget, but will never admit it. 52
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‘Secret support’ lycratights.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd53
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We get drunk more easily and less expensively than men.
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Women think and notice. Our world is more enriched as a result, consisting not only of beer and flatulence competitions. 55
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We don’t feel the need to wield the TV remote control like an extension of our genitalia.
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We always have a ticket to ride. Two twin peaks on our chest are passes to anywhere. 57
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Ifyou’refeelingskint,butfancyanewpair of shoes/expensive truffles etc, start an argument with a man. Said items will materialise within twentyfour hours.
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We are discerning. We don’t have sex with a man just because he is breathing.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd60
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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To be funny, we don’t have to memorise every Monty Python catch phrase and recite them. In one go. 61
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd61
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
We can earn more than our partner and still not be expected to be the main provider (leaving all the more to spend on essentials such as clothes and shoes).
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd62
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Communication in a relationship means a man agrees with everything a woman says.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd63
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As they become older, women become more mature, wiser, more sexually aware. Men, on the other hand, turn into balding wannabe Casanovas attempting to salvage some irrevocably lost youth by wearing shirts open to the waist to reveal coarse, greying chest hair, and pinching younger women’s bums. 64
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd65
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We know the real value of money; it is measured in the amount of lippy, clothes, and wine we can purchase without becoming (too) overdrawn.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd66
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Women are far more mature than men, and therefore infinitely superior. 67
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We can use our vast accumulated data about men’s past misdemeanours, at will, to win an argument, get our own way, provoke the buying of gifts, etc.
68
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd68
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We can wear pink without our mates calling us a girly wuss.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd69
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Men are malleable, unformed raw material, just waiting for women to mould them into a better model. We are virtuoso artists when it comes to this type of canvas. 70
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd71
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We always have an excuse to gorge ourselves on vast amounts of chocolate. It’s due to hormones/ PMT, obviously. 72
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Shopping is a spiritual experience.
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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We can take over men’s lives by product power: tampax in his bathroom, lippy in his car, knickers in his drawers, purses in his pocket when we go out.
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
We are expected to be late for everything. However, we can become very angry if a member of the opposite sex is late for us. 75
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We can open jars of pickle, change fuses, set the video, but we just have much better ways of spending our time.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd76
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Curry strength competitions and the ensuing bottom misery is not something we feel we have to do in front of our mates to look good.
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Women have an amazing capacity to remember wrong doings, especially those of men.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd79
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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We don’t have to worry about whether we will be able to get our genitals ‘up’. 80
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd80
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
A woman’s naked body is beautiful. A man’s naked body is laughable.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd81
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We don’t have to worry about premature ejaculation. 82
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd82
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Having wolfed down a family-sized tub of Häagen-Dazs, we can suddenly go all weak when faced with the prospect of lugging shopping bags back from the supermarket. 83
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd83
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Men are basically squeamish babies. We can freak them out just by mentioning the ‘p’ word, and they turn green at the thought of tampax.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd85
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A woman believes in solidarity with members of her sex. A girlfriend will happily agree that the ex-boyfriend who just dumped you is definitely gay, and no, of course your bum doesn’t look big in that; the skin-tight red leather accentuates all your good points. 86
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd86
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101 REASONS
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Our orgasms last longer than a man’s.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd87
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Women’s hairlines don’t start receding after they hit their twenties. 88
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd88
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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A woman has curves. Men just have beer bellies.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd89
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WOMAN
Chocolate is not just a snack; it is a necessary ritual and a sensory experience.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd91
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101 REASONS
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We have the capacity for multiple orgasms. 92
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd92
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
We don’t have to resort to cheesy chat-up lines to get laid.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd93
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Girls’NightsIn. 94
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd94
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Complaining and over-analysing, contrary to masculine opinion, is not paranoia. It is fun.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd95
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101 REASONS
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We can wear jewellery without looking like a dodgy Costa del Sol medallion man.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd96
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We live longer than men: 1) And therefore get to annoy the younger generation for longer. 98
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd98
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We live longer than men: 2) And this means (ching, ching) inheritance and life insurance.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd99
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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We don’t have to worry about getting our genitals stuck in our flies. 100
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd100
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101 REASONS
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It is ridiculously easy for us to score.
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101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd101
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When we explode our computers: a) no one is cross with us, b) we don’t feel inadequate in our femininity and c) we can act the coquette with the man who comes to fix it.
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We can be modern, independent women. But men still have to pick up the bill in a restaurant, of course. 104
101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd104
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
We can have, and justify having, a toy boy: men are most rampant in their late teens and early twenties, while women are at their peak later in life. Men with younger women just look like dirty sugar daddies. 105
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
The gynaecological excuse for skiving off work is never questioned by male bosses.
106
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Women have ways of getting served first by the man behind the bar. 107
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Women have ways of being seated first by the waiter in a restaurant.
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
109
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Women have ways of extending their overdrafts. Again.
110
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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Women have ways of getting off speeding/parking tickets. 111
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Women have ways of getting taxis to stop.
112
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Italian waiters, on holiday in Italy. It’s self-explanatory. 113
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
We never have to fiddle with a reeking BBQ– Men see it as a test of machismo.
114
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115
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
We never have to learn about computers and IT terms; it is endearing when we lazily call bits of technology ‘thingy’.
116
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
It is not a social death for us if we don’t know the offside rule. In fact, we couldn’t care less. 117
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
We are the ones who are really in charge of the world’s population.
118
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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It is extremely rare for a woman to worry that she hasn’t got enough hair on her chest. 119
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101 REASONS
WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Men have a limited repertoire of conversation: football, cars and sex. And they don’t know as much as they claim to about any of them. Women have an infinite reserve of chat topics, and don’t feel the need to exaggerate their knowledge to their mates. 120
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Women don’t need to lie or to brag about their sexual conquests. They are too busy making the conquests.
121
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Cooking, ironing and washing up are not women’s work. Being asked by a man to do any of the above (even after he’s slaved over a meal in the kitchen), is sexist and demeaning and should be met with: ‘Have you never heard of feminism? The suffragettes didn’t chain themselves to railings just for fun, you know.’ Etc, etc. 122
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123
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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Our friends don’t ritually humiliate us to prove that they like us. 124
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
The phone is our friend and another member of our social circle, not just a functional tool to inform our mates of the name of the next pub.
125
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
WOMAN
Our jokes are amusing and consist of a wider choice of vocabulary than ‘bird’,‘big’and‘boobs’.
126
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WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A
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Alimony agreements. 127
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Other Humour Books from Summersdale Ultimate Chat-up Lines and Put Downs Stewart Ferris £3.99
The Kama Sutra For One O’Nan and P. Palm £3.99
How To Chat-up Women (Pocket edition) Stewart Ferris £3.99
101 Reasons Not To Do Anything
How To Chat-up Men (Pocket edition) Kitty Malone £3.99
A Collection of Cynical & Defeatist Quotations £3.99
A Little Bathroom Book £3.99 Drinking Games
Enormous
The Greatest Mistakes History of the World
Stewart Ferris Men! Can’t
£3.99
Boobs
Can’t Live with live with them
TaniaGolightly
In
The
www.wit@wisdom £4.99
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them,
£3.99
Available from all good bookshops. 101 Reasons why it's great to be a Woman.pmd128
11/01/2007, 10:00
