Soul Without Shame

'Soul Without Shame is that rare book that blends intellectual depth, genuine originality, and practical usefulness. As Byron Brown envisions the 'inner critic,' (the superego) it is a force that most of us accept as a necessary moral compass in our lives, but which in fact attacks us relentlessly and insidiously. Gracefully and persuasively, Brown makes the case that we literally become our own worst enemies, undermining even our most determined efforts to grow and prosper. This book offers rich and fresh insights into an aspect of inner work that is far too often neglected, and also sets out systematic ways to break free of the prison of j u d g m e n t — b o t h of ourselves and of others."

— T O N Y S C H W A R T Z , author of What Really Matters

'In very clear and available language, this book details how to recognize the inner critic and how to deal effectively with it. Byron Brown's presentation is useful for any individual who wishes to be free from the inner suffering and coercion of this ancient foe of our humanity, but it is specifically directed to those interested and engaged in the inner journey toward realization and enlightenment."

—A. H. A L M A A S

Do you have a chronic case of "the judge"—also known as the inner critic or superego? Here is a practical, acccessible handbook that will show you where your inner critic came from, how it operates, and how accessing strength, joy, truth, and compassion can counteract its powerful forces. Soul without Shame explores what it means to liberate yourself from your inner judge as a step toward experiencing the freedom and vitality of the h u m a n soul. It contains exercises, practices, and entertaining examples from everyday life to guide you in your work with this exhilarating process. Byron Brown is a senior student of A. H. Almaas, who developed the Diamond Approach, a path of self-understanding. As a Diamond Approach teacher, he has a special interest in guiding students through the basics of working with their superegos.

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S H A M B H A L A BOSTON

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CONTENTS

Foreword Acknowledgments Preface Introduction Note to the Reader

ix xiii XV

xvii xxiii

3

1.

T h e Soul Perspective

2.

W h a t Is the Judge?

13

3.

True N a t u r e and Reality

29

4.

Recognizing Judgment

41

5.

Awareness

65

6.

W h a t Is Judged?

73

7.

Acceptance

89

8.

Engaging the Judge

99

9.

Personal Will

117

10.

Being the Judge

127

11.

Strength

143

12.

W h y Judge?

153

13. Joy and Curiosity

171

14.

Looking Deeper

179

15.

Compassion

189

16.

Disidentifying

197

Contents

viii

17.

Spaciousness

209

18.

S t o p p i n g Self-Betrayal

217

19.

Value

229

20.

D e f e n d i n g Against J u d g m e n t

239

21.

Peace

257

22.

After t h e J u d g m e n t I s G o n e

263

23.

Truth

275

24.

Recapping the Journey

283

25.

Presence

295

Final Thoughts

301

List of Practices and Exercises

303

Further Resources

305

Index

306

FOREWORD

be free and happy. Many of us believe that we can attain these qualities through external success, and so we tend to see our obstacles as out there in the world, in people and situations. W h e n we recognize that the promise of fulfillment and what stands in its way are b o t h within us, we begin the inner j o u r n e y It is a j o u r ney into our own consciousness and experience, a path of discovery and realization of the inner riches of h u m a n potentiality. Even though it is a thrilling adventure, the inner journey, as with any real adventure, is not an easy one, for it is full of challenges and difficulties, obstacles and barriers. T h e inner obstacles have been k n o w n and discussed for t h o u sands of years by many of the wisdom teachings and teachers. H o w ever, some of these primary obstacles could n o t be understood in a precise and detailed manner until the development of m o d e r n depth psychology. N o w with this understanding the inner j o u r n e y is assisted in ways not possible in previous times. O n e of these obstacles to inner work and spiritual realization is the painful and difficult one of the inner critic, the coercive agency within us that criticizes, judges, compares, condemns, blames, and attacks us and others mercilessly and constantly

W E ALL W A N T T O

D e p t h psychology has demonstrated that we always develop a part of our selves to take the role of inner conscience, traditionally referred to as the superego. But this ego structure of conscience is built mostly through identification with the j u d g i n g , critical, blaming, and punishing attitudes in the environment we grow up in. It becomes a harsh j u d g e and a cruel source of punishment, instead of being the light of true conscience. It tends to develop into a rigid

Foreword

X

part of our m i n d that embodies inflexible rules and c o m m a n d m e n t s , impermeable to understanding and deaf to reality. T h e superego becomes one of the main sources of inner suffering, through low self-esteem, guilt, shame, devaluation, and self-recrimination. It acts whenever it recognizes in o u r experience of ourselves, or in the p e r ception of others, something of w h i c h it does not approve. Besides the pervasive suffering it causes in our experience, the rigidity and j u d g m e n t of the inner critic make it difficult for us to go deeply into ourselves.This is because we are attacked by it every time we uncover something of w h i c h it disapproves. So in the inner journey, we either unnecessarily suffer, or to avoid this suffering we veer away from parts of our own experience. In b o t h cases, our inner work becomes difficult and limited, and frequently comes to a halt. Because of the greater understanding of the genesis and structure of the inner critic available in m o d e r n depth psychology, we can n o w deal with it m o r e effectively than ever before. We can recognize it for what it is, address it in ways that liberate us from its cruel inner attacks, and henceforth j o u r n e y inwards with greater freedom and m o r e enjoyment of the thrill of discovery. This b o o k is unique in providing the reader with the u n d e r standing and methodology to do just that. In very clear and available language, it details h o w to recognize the inner critic and h o w to effectively deal with it. Byron B r o w n s presentation is useful for any individual w ho wishes to be free from the inner suffering and coercion of this ancient foe of our humanity, but it is specifically directed to those individuals interested and engaged in the inner j o u r n e y toward realization and enlightenment. Byron has been a student of m i n e for many years, and a teacher w i t h considerable experience in the D i a m o n d Approach to the inner journey. He has expressed his own understanding of h o w to w o r k with the judge, culled from many years of his o w n inner work, and his w o r k with students and groups, in a way that reveals its roots in the actual essential states of inner realization. As a result, this b o o k is n o t only a study of the inner critic and how to deal with it, but a clear presentation of h o w this w o r k can be done in a way that actually helps reveal our true and spiritual nature. In other words, it demonstrates h o w the work on the inner critic can b e c o m e a path T

Foreword

xi

toward realizing true c o n s c i e n c e — t h e essential conscience of which the inner critic is merely a limited imitation. Byron has also succeeded in demonstrating h o w the work with the inner critic and the arising of inner spiritual states are related, and h o w they c o n tribute to and support each other. His extensive understanding of the subject matter derives not only from his o w n inner work and work with students in the R i d h w a n School, but also from the many classes he developed and taught, devoted specifically to w o r k i n g with the inner critic. I believe the reader will find this b o o k a u n i q u e opportunity to deal with an age-old problem, with intelligence and efficiency. T h e application of its knowledge will contribute significantly to one's inner development. A. H. Almaas Berkeley, California February 1998

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I W O U L D L I K E T O express special thanks to H a m e e d Ali (A. H . Almaas), with w h o m I have studied and trained as a teacher during the last sixteen years. He is the founder of the D i a m o n d Approach, a m o d e r n spiritual path based on self-understanding. T h r o u g h the w o r k of his R i d h w a n School, I have learned this approach to the judge, or superego. I am completely indebted to H a m e e d for the profound teaching of Essence and its aspects, and for illuminating the ways in which the superego hinders us from knowing our true nature. Learning to disengage from the attacks of the superego is a fundamental step in early stages of the D i a m o n d Approach. I hope this b o o k may be of some assistance in supporting students involved in the R i d h w a n School, as well as interested people everywhere. My heartfelt appreciation also goes to Karen Johnson, Hameed's colleague and my individual teacher, w h o has so patiently guided me through the maze of my o w n psychic reality for many years. I am grateful to Michael Torresan, former teacher in the R i d h wan School, for first organizing this material and presenting it as a b o d y of teaching in workshop format. He was an inspiring and provocative model for assisting others in confronting their judges. I have found his w o r k an important starting point for m u c h of what I have developed in this b o o k . T h r o u g h o u t my years of teaching the D i a m o n d Approach, and this material in particular, I have worked with many students. I am grateful to each one for what he or she has taught me. Many of t h e m appear directly and indirectly in the pages of this book. M u c h of the writing of this book was made possible by the solitude and quiet of theVedanta Retreat in Marin, California, and I am

XIV

Acknowledgments

appreciative of the welcome offered me to have quiet time and to write. I would also like to thank D e b o r a h Meyer for her belief in the profound value of this w o r k for her psychotherapy clients as well as her encouragement and feedback in an initial reading of the m a n uscript. Special thanks to my father, Q u e n t i n , for a patient and detailed editing of my rough grammar and questioning ot my unfamiliar concepts. He has always supported me in my pursuit of w r i t ing and has set a high standard for an appreciative use of the English language. A n d thanks to Alia J o h n s o n and Sara Hurley, w h o have given me feedback and cheered me on during the four years it has taken to complete this b o o k . M a n y people encouraged me as they read through the initial drafts, including Loie Rosenkrantz, Ward Stoneman, Sherry Anderson, R o b e r t B i r n b a u m , Barry R o t h m a n , Pam Weiss, Jessica B r u t , Karen Johnson, and H a m e e d Ali. After writing four drafts on my own, I made a N e w Year's resolution in 1997 to find an editor to w o r k with me. I am deeply indebted to my father-m-law,Jim Friedman, and my father for h e l p ing to make this step possible. As a result, the b o o k took a great leap forward into its final form through the invaluable attention o f T h e W r i t e r s Midwife,Elianne Obadia.We established a wonderful partnership as she helped me realize the energy and clarity needed to make the material speak most effectively T h a n k you, Elianne, for your enthusiasm, appreciation, and critical consideration of my writing. I offer many thanks to the staff of Shambhala Publications, particularly my editor, Emily H i l b u r n Sell, for believing in this b o o k and helping birth it into the world. Last, I am forever grateful to my wife, Ellen Friedman, for her o n g o i n g support, interest, and energy, w h i c h have sustained me t h r o u g h o u t the process of bringing this project to completion. My life with her has provided the ultimate laboratory and testing g r o u n d for the success of the principles described in this book.

PREFACE

D U R I N G T H E M A N Y Y E A R S 1 have been teaching people how to work with self-criticism, I have witnessed a great deal of suffering resulting directly from the negative ways people treat themselves. I have also seen their surprise and concern as they c o m e to recognize h o w serious this situation is. Perhaps most important, I see their hunger for a sense of personal integrity based on compassion and understanding rather than a belief in deficiency based on self-blame.

There is n o t h i n g m o r e poignant and h e a r t - w r e n c h i n g than to witness a friend treat himself badly out of a well-intentioned desire to do the best thing. It is painful to see his self-punishment, to recognize its inappropriateness, and to k n o w you are helpless to stop it.You are helpless because the friend sees his actions as the logical and necessary o u t c o m e of w h o he is. Even w h e n he recognizes the pain and struggle caused by the self-blame, he is not necessarily any closer to stopping it from happening.You might see that he believes he is responsible for something he is not and want him to recognize that.You may try to talk to this friend about it or give h i m books to read. But these things will have little lasting impact on his internal world unless they awaken his hunger to k n o w himself beyond his hopes and fears. To challenge your own patterns of self-judgment is an equally difficult task. Simply to recognize h o w harsh and intolerant you can be toward yourself is uncomfortable enough. But to expose and explore this part of yourself also means questioning basic assumptions about your upbringing and the society in w h i c h you live.This may mean setting personal priorities counter to those held by friends, family, and colleagues—something that is hard to do alone.

XV)

Prefac,

For this reason, you can benefit greatly from doing inner critic work with like-minded souls in workshops or o n g o i n g groups. You see that you are not alone in your patterns of self-blame, and you receive external support for challenging these patterns. Working with others can counteract the isolation that you fear will c o m e as you begin questioning the standards of those around you as well as your own expectations. For those w h o do not have the opportunity to be in a group that supports this focus, w o r k i n g w i t h the inner critic can be a lonely and often discouraging process. A b o o k can give some background, suggest ways of working, and offer some guidelines, but it cannot replace the personal contact of other people or the feedback of a teacher or therapist. This b o o k presents a perspective that frees you from the pervasive orientation of self-improvement, an approach that often reinforces rather than liberates you from the suffering of self-blame. I hope it will offer support for your own growth by validating the importance of challenging self-judgment on the path to self-understanding. Byron Brown Albany, California N o v e m b e r 1997

INTRODUCTION

to the lifelong process of disengaging from self-judgment and, through and beyond that work, to k n o w i n g yourself as a living soul. Specifically, it will lead you on an experiential process of unraveling the j u d g m e n t in your inner life. T h e abundant information here is not arranged as a theoretical treatise but as an interactive process and a practical guide to help free you from self-attack.Throughout the b o o k , personal examples from individuals and from my work w i t h students are included to illustrate the principles presented, as well as exercises and practices to encourage discovery of your o w n understanding of the material. T h e knowledge offered will have little impact unless you actively explore its relevance to your o w n experience. THIS BOOK INTRODUCES YOU

Working with the j u d g e and discovering the truth is a j o u r n e y of liberation. As you c o m e to recognize that you are in a prison guarded by the judge, you appreciate the soul's powerful longing for freedom. Every external form of bondage in h u m a n history reflects the psychic confinement of the soul resulting from ignorance and unquestioned beliefs. You are a slave to your o w n ideas of w h o you are and h o w you need to be. T h e ability to defend against the j u d g e s attacks and disengage from its activity offers you the possibility of discovering w h o you are independent of ideas. Actively standing up for the truth of your experience breaks the habitual patterns of your familiar identity. W h e r e expectations and standards ruled, there can be openness and allowing. Fear of retribution can give way to self-trust and curiosity. From hopelessness and defeat can arise acceptance and confidence. And confinement and tension can be transformed into spaciousness and ease.

Introduction

XV111

A Journey

of Truth

A n d truth guides the journey. In combination with the grounding and practicality of your personal will, truth acts as an objective c o n science for action in the world. O n e of the original functions of the j u d g e was to act as your conscience.The j u d g e learned standards of right and w r o n g from parents and society.Then, by using guilt and shame, it helped you as a child to behave and act appropriately according to that moral code. Unfortunately, this process suppressed your spontaneity, aliveness, and instinctual power in order to make you socialized and acceptable.You needed the judge's firm support and direction as you developed your own ability to perceive, evaluate, and understand. However, the o u t c o m e of that development was not grounded in your true nature. As an adult, you have c o n tinued to rely on the judge's internalized standards of right and wrong. O n l y true maturation can replace the j u d g e with a living conscience. This capacity of the soul depends on the recognition of your essential nature and the development of your ability to be authentically yourself. Disengaging from thejudge thus serves two functions: to free you from the confinement of old, limiting patterns and beliefs and, at the same time, to demand that you actively practice living in a way that eliminates the need for the j u d g e . You cannot simply throw off a structure that has defined and supported you unless you have s o m e thing more effective wath which to replace it.You must learn to function, interact, and make choices freed from the standards of thejudge, w h i c h means living in alignment w ith the truth and reality of your own life at the present time. This creates a living conscience that is not based on rules. Such a conscience allows the fullness ot your living soul to express itself.This happens w h e n you have transformed the self-centeredness of instinctual impulses, the self-destruction of compulsive patterns, and the rigidity of internalized authority. This is n o t a small task. It is the w o r k of learning to be a responsible, mature h u m a n being.You cannot plan h o w to do it. you cannot only read about h o w to do it,you cannot simply follow someone else's instructions.You must learn how to live spontaneously by recognizing and following the guidance of what you k n o w to be true. r

Introduction

A Journey

XIX

of Recovery

Working with the j u d g e is a j o u r n e y of recovery. Disengaging helps free you from the harsh oppression ot the j u d g e and also accelerates your movement into experiencing the aliveness of the soul. This is the doorway to recovery of your soul nature. You have the o p p o r tunity to recover a fresh and dynamic aliveness at the heart of your life. And aliveness means the presence of passion and spontaneity two qualities noticeably absent in the world of j u d g m e n t . It also means the experience ot yourself as a life source. Life tlow-s from and through you, taking on both familiar and untamiliar forms. T h e soufs aliveness is the sense of something conscious and u n p r e dictable, awake and mysterious. My desire is to support you to be directly in contact with your o w n lived experience w i t h o u t the j u d g e as intermediary.The central practice in this process is to return to your experience oí yourself in this m o m e n t . As you learn to k n o w yourself each m o m e n t with curiosity and openness, you allow the process of self-discovery to o p e n new doors. You find your own natural resources that have gone unrecognized because of the judge's controlling influence. W h e n you actively disengage, you begin to recognize what is called presence as a ground of support for being w h o you are from m o m e n t to m o m e n t . You are offered tastes of being a soul that is alive, dynamic, and i m m e d i a t e — a soul that is open, changing, and responding, but also a soul that is rooted in the reality of the truth. 7

T h e various flavors of presence arise to enrich your experience: Awareness wakes you up to the ever-changing elements of each day, and personal will brings you back to your direct experience of what is true at the present time. Acceptance encourages vulnerability to the ups and downs of your inner world, and strength gives you the courage to expand your boundaries and go beyond what you think is possible, joy and curiosity help you appreciate and celebrate the mystery of you and your world, while compassion tenderizes you as it allows contact with the fullness of your heart, including its pain, grief, and longing. Spaciousness transforms the anxiety about lack into the allowing of openness, and value offers sweetness and satisfaction to your soul as you learn to appreciate your true nature. Peace

XX

Introduction

stills the inner activity that undermines the quietness and simplicity of being yourself, allowing the truth of you and your life to be more apparent. T h e soul's j o u r n e y does not take you away from the physical, emotional, and social realities of your life. It is n o t about o t h e r worldly experiences. R e c o v e r y of the soul enriches the life you have by bringing in the dimension of presence and its qualities, the invisible essence of what it means to be alive. Spirituality is the heart ot h u m a n life, the subtle dimension of being a soul. It gives your e x p e rience fullness and immediacy so that you feel m o r e in contact with each m o m e n t as you live each day.

How This Book Is

Structured

This book addresses the h u m a n dilemma of the soul through answering two questions: what is this soul that you have lost touch with, and what prevents you from recognizing it? These two questions are basic to all spiritual work, and answering t h e m can be approached in many ways. Here, we look at the barrier by working with self-judgment and h o w it blocks you from k n o w i n g yourself as soul. We explore the soul itself by focusing on some of its essential aspects that have largely been disowned or forgotten. T h e following pages present a step-by~step m e t h o d for c o n fronting self-judgment.You will learn to recognize the presence of the judge, notice its effect on you, discover h o w it functions, explore how you support its activity, uncover its motivation, and most important, find ways to tree yourselt from its influence.This process is necessary for you to have the freedom to discover w h o you are beneath the myriad beliefs you have accumulated about yourself over the years.The information in the book is presented in an order most useful for w o r k i n g on your own: gradually developing the awareness and skills to support a true and effective defense against self-judgment. If you were working with the o n g o i n g support ot a teacher or group, the presentation of the material might have a different emphasis. T h e first half of the book focuses on understanding j u d g m e n t and how it affects y o u . T h e second halt moves you into taking steps

introduction

XXI

to defend against the activity of self-judgment. Twelve chapters address the j u d g e process, each one concluding with a summarv of its significant points and one or m o r e exercises for supporting vou in pursuing the work on your o w n . T h e second focus of this b o o k is the reconnection with your soul, the forgotten potential of w h o you truly are. C o m p l e m e n t a r y to the work on the j u d g e is the process of rediscovering inherent qualities of your true nature that you lost touch with as you grew up, in particular those relevant to freeing you from self-judgment. Traditional spiritual work tends to focus on aspects of vour nature considered spiritual (meaning beyond worldly life), such as universal love, self-realization, transcendent unity, ultimate e m p t i ness, or spiritual insight. These are important for knowing the deeper dimensions ot h u m a n experience. However, you have other essential qualities, often overlooked, that are m o r e relevant for lite in the world. Working with the judge is a particularly d o w n - t o - e a r t h affair and needs the support of m o r e basic, tamiliar soul qualities, freed from beliefs and personal history. In the soul chapters, you are invited to contact the clear simplicity of awareness, the energetic expansion of strength, the solid reliability of will, and the gentle w a r m t h of compassion. These qualities and others provide a c o n trast to the experience of yourself supported by the inner critic and at the same time give you access to inner resources tor challenging its power. Each quality presented has a particular relevance for an aspect oí your work with the j u d g e . T h e soul quality chapters alternate with the j u d g e chapters, and each contains a practice to help you reconnect with that quality. These two dimensions, dealing with the j u d g e and contacting soul qualities, mutually support and reinforce each other. Seeing through the judge's attitudes and beliefs allows you to observe yourself and your experience with fresh eyes and begin to recognize your deeper soul nature.You make space to know yourself in a different way. At the same time, directly sensing an aspect of your true nature provides a vivid and definite alternative to the reactive nature of seltjudgment. In addition, a story that follows a young couple, Frank and Sue, 7

XXI1

Introduction

as they live through o n e Saturday together threads through the book. Their day is told in short episodes on the page taeing the opening of each successive chapter. Every episode touches on the material in that chapter and helps place the subject matter of the book in die context of real life. W h e n a j u d g m e n t is arising in the characters' minds or in their o w n words, it is generally preceded by the symbol to help you learn to recognize the prevalence and variation of this element of b o t h inner and outer activity W h e n Frank or Sue is engaged in inner dialogue, w h e t h e r a j u d g m e n t or not, the words are in italics. You may find it useful to reread an episode after you finish reading the chapter it precedes.

The Beginning of a Process This is a lifelong j o u r n e y of discovering the truth in your lite as you liberate your soul. Recognizing, appreciating, and disengaging from your j u d g e is a vital way ot ensuring that it becomes your journey. This book is only a beginning, but it will provide a useful foundation for opening the prison door and stepping into the heart of life.

NOTE

TO

THE

FIEADER

m o r e than just your mind. It is addressed to your soul. At different times, the material will resonate in your b o d y or your heart or in your very being. T h e chapters are packed with information, insights, and inquiries. It is not light reading. This is a b o o k to work through slowly, allowing it to stimulate you, unsettle you, move you.Take it in small bites so you can absorb the tastes and textures. Go away and c o m e back. Stop and reread. As you read, you will find yourself responding to the ideas that are relevant to where you are in your own journey. You will draw from what is presented the nourishment you need at the m o m e n t for your own development.This means that m u c h of what you read will pass into your mind and out again without any significant impact. This is natural. However, it also means that you can c o m e back to any part of this book in one m o n t h , six months, or a year and you will resonate with material that w as not important for you the first time. I particularly r e c o m m e n d that as you read, you pay attention to your body and your energy. N o t i c e h o w they are affected by your reading. It you b e c o m e aw^are of having a hard time concentrating or feeling restless, stop and take a break. Perhaps something has struck h o m e and stirred a physical or an emotional response. W h e n one part of you is strongly affected, it can prevent you from taking in any more. T h e focus of this b o o k on connecting with your e x p e rience in the m o m e n t makes it ideal for learning to track yourself in this wav. M a k i n g space for your responses to the process of reading will create a greater impact and also allow the material to n o u r ish and awaken m o r e aspects of your soul. T H I S B O O K SPEAKS T O

r

7

XXIV

Note to the

Reader

Do not expect instantaneous change or development; be patient with yourself as you respect your soul's need to go at its o w n pace. Integrating into your life the various elements of this self-discovery process can take many years.The exercises and practices in this b o o k are designed to expose you to different dimensions of inner e x p e rience in a gradual way.The resulting effect is cumulative: each facet of the w o r k is reinforced by all the others.

SOUL WITHOUT SHAME

A DAY WITH FRANK AND SUE Sue was awoken by Frank r e t u r n i n g to b e d from the b a t h r o o m . It t o o k quite a while before she finally a c k n o w l e d g e d that she couldn't go back to sleep. H e , m e a n w h i l e , seemed to have fallen asleep right away. T h e clock radio was glowing 3:30 w h e n Sue twisted her h e a d to the left and o p e n e d her eyes. She r e m e m b e r e d t o o late w h a t she had heard on the radio from s o m e sleep expert: you should never look at the time w h e n you wake up in the middle of the night because that seems to make it harder to go back to sleep.This r e m i n d e d her of h o w often recently she had b e e n waking up in the middle of the night. Fortunately, this time it was Saturday and she didn't have to get up early,but she was frustrated with herself and dreaded lying awake for the rest of the night. O

So what has been jour problem lately anyway. Sue? You didn't used to have difficulty sleeping. Something's wrong here. You know you are eating too late, and you are getting into that had habit of black tea after dinner. I think it must have something to do with either lack of exercise or being anxious about my work. I will have to get some of that melatonin at the vitamin store tomorrow . . .

As her m i n d c o n t i n u e d w o r k i n g , Sue was getting m o r e and m o r e unsettled in h e r body. She could feel the heaviness of sleep still in h e r system, and h e r eyes were aching. A sense of l o w - g r a d e agitation was developing in her limbs, as t h o u g h a subtle current of energy had been t u r n e d on and she could no longer relax. She desperately longed to shut it off and drop back into sleep. W i t h some effort, Sue stopped h e r mental obsessing and focused her attention on her arms and legs and began controlled breathing to try to relax. At first, she felt m o r e tension than relaxation from trying to c o n centrate. T h e n , as she c o n t i n u e d , the outline of her b o d y slowly transformed into a vivid presence charged w i t h a slightly prickly energy.This shifted into a pulsing flow m o v i n g t h r o u g h her; it was b o t h soothing and enlivening. A n d then for a m o m e n t , Sue experienced herself floating in the middle of a dark, spacious field with a vibrant perimeter. She was feeling herself in an i m m e d i a t e and unfamiliar way, w h e n suddenly a familiar voice broke in: O But you're supposed to be going to sleep! T h e internal voice b r o u g h t her back to b e i n g Sue lying in b e d n o t sleeping.Where had she been? N o t asleep b u t n o t anyplace familiar. She found herself yawning as she puzzled over w h a t had just h a p p e n e d . Sue t u r n e d over, pulled up the covers, and was soon fast asleep.

1 THE

SOUL

PERSPECTIVE k'-rk o n d i s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n , i t i s i m p o r t a n t t o e x a m i n e t h e c o n t e n t o f a n a t t a c k , h o w i t affects y o u , w h y v o u b e l i e v e it, w h e r e i t c a m e f r o m , a n d w h o i t m a k e s y o u b e l i e v e y o u are. H o w e v e r , s u c h mental understanding must be in the service of extracting y o u from t h e g r i p s o f t h e a t t a c k ; i t i s n o t m e r e l y for s e l f - i m p r o v e m e n t o r t o m a k e you a better person.To be ot transformative value, that u n d e r s t a n d i n g m u s t a p p e a r a t t h e m o m e n t y o u feel a t t a c k e d a n d i n c i t e y o u t o b r e a k free o f y o u r j u d g m e n t l o o p a n d its h i s t o r y . T h e w o r k o f e x p l o r i n g a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g clarifies t h e vital n e e d for d e f e n d i n g , a n d d e f e n d i n g c r e a t e s t h e s p a c e a n d p r o v i d e s t h e e n e r g y for c o n t i n u i n g the w o r k of awareness and u n d e r s t a n d i n g . D e f e n d i n g i s a c o n s c i o u s act o f c o n f r o n t i n g h e a d - o n t h e a t t a c k y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g b v b r i n g i n g y o u r tull a w a r e n e s s t o t h e fact o f b e i n g j u d g e d a n d a c t i n g o n t h a t a w a r e n e s s . Y o u are a t t e m p t i n g t o c o n n e c t w i t h the deepest awareness of yourself at the m o m e n t and speak from t h a t place in o r d e r to disengage from t h e j u d g m e n t . T h e d e e p e s t a w a r e n e s s o f y o u r s e l f m a y m e a n y o u feel t r a p p e d a n d u n a b l e to r e s p o n d ; it m i g h t m e a n y o u believe w h a t the j u d g e is saying a n d c a n ' t i m a g i n e a n y t h i n g b u t a g r e e i n g ; i t c o u l d m e a n y o u are f e e l i n g v e r y t e n s e i n y o u r b o d y w i t h a h e a d t h a t i s full o f c o t t o n ; i t c o u l d m e a n y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g y o u r s e l f a s a little k i d t r y i n g t o c o p e w i t h D a d ' s a n g e r ; i t m i g h t m e a n y o u are f e e l i n g v i c i o u s l y s t u n g b y t h e a t t a c k a s i f i t w e r e a slap i n t h e face; i t c o u l d m e a n y o u are s u d d e n l y a w a r e o f t h e a b s o l u t e a b s u r d i t y o f this v o i c e f r o m t h e past t r y i n g t o tell y o u w h o y o u a r e ; o r i t m i g h t m e a n y o u are t o t a l l y fed u p w i t h l i s t e n i n g t o this v o i c e t h a t says t h e s a m e t h i n g o v e r a n d over. W h a t e v e r t h e a w a r e n e s s o f yourself, y o u a c c e p t t h e c h a l l e n g e o f s p e a k i n g f r o m t h a t p l a c e w i t h t h e i n t e n t i o n o f s t o p p i n g this p a t t e r n

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of self-attack. T h e r e is no right answer or response, e x c e p t o n e that works. H e r e are s o m e g u i d e l i n e s , h o w e v e r : You must be willing to act on your own behalf. T h i s m e a n s t h a t you must do m o r e than simply observe, watch, think about, or detach from the attack. E v e n if you create space from the j u d g e bv w i t h d r a w a l , y o u c a n o p e r a t e freely o n l y w i t h i n t h a t l i m i t e d s p a c e o f a v o i d i n g t h e j u d g e . T h i s results in a passive, c o n t a i n e d , p r o t e c t i v e life. T h e r e i s n o f r e e d o m for t h e s o u l t o e x p a n d , f l o w , a n d u n f o l d s p o n taneously. You m u s t s u m m o n e n o u g h e n e r g y t o step o u t o f the j u d g m e n t l o o p consciously. T h e j u d g e has t a k e n o v e r y o u r o w n i n h e r e n t aggressive e n e r g y . Y o u m u s t b e g i n t o r e c l a i m this e n e r g y i n o r d e r t o t a k e t h e i n i t i a t i v e a n d act forcefully w h e n n e e d e d . A n d t h a t s t r e n g t h i s m o s t n e e d e d w h e n s p e a k i n g i n a n a c t i v e w a y o n y o u r o w n behalf. T h i s s t r e n g t h c a n t a k e different f o r m s , b u t t h e u n d e r l y i n g sense is of aliveness a n d a f o c u s e d e n e r g y . It m a y m a n i f e s t as t h e c l a r i t y to distinguish b e t w e e n selt-attack and seeing the truth, the c o u r a g e to say w h a t i s t r u e for y o u , t h e e x p a n s i v e n e s s t o a g r e e w i t h t h e j u d g e w i t h o u t f e e l i n g w r o n g o r guilty, t h e b u r n i n g d e s i r e t o s t a n d y o u r g r o u n d , t h e i n t e n s i t y t o stare t h e j u d g e d o w n , t h e i n d i g n a t i o n a t its condescension and disrespect, or the p o w e r to c u t t h r o u g h t h e bullshit w i t h h u m o r a n d a s w o r d !

The statement should be short (no more than ten words),direct, and conclusive. Speak as though you expect to say nothing more. I n o t h e r w o r d s , y o u are s p e a k i n g i n o r d e r t o e n d t h e i n t e r a c t i o n — t h a t is, t h e e n g a g e m e n t w i t h this i n n e r v o i c e ( e v e n i f a n o t h e r p e r s o n said t h e w o r d s t h a t set off y o u r s e l f - j u d g m e n t ) . T h e f o r m t h e s t a t e m e n t takes i s n o t i m p o r t a n t : i t c o u l d b e a q u e s t i o n , a s t a t e m e n t , a n exclamation, or even a sound. T h e o n e e x c e p t i o n on length is the exaggeration d i s e n g a g e m e n t described later in t h e chapter a n d used b y F r a n k i n this c h a p t e r ' s e p i s o d e : e x t e n d e d t a l k i n g c a n b e a w a y t o hijack the judge's m o m e n t u m a n d stop t h e attack.

If you attempt to reason with the attack, it is almost guaranteed that you will remain engaged. I n o t h e r w o r d s , if y o u r e s p o n d

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SOUL WITH O U T S H A M E

by arguing, denying, justifying, challenging, explaining, or c o m p r o m i s i n g , y o u a r e e n g a g i n g t h e j u d g e . Y o u h a v e i m p l i c i t l y a c c e p t e d its r i g h t t o j u d g e y o u , a n d y o u a r e s i m p l y l o o k i n g for a f a v o r a b l e v e r dict: y o u are h o p i n g t o w i n . I n d e f e n d i n g , y o u d o n o t try t o w i n , y o u s i m p l y i n t e n d t o s t o p a n d t h e n let i t b e k n o w n y o u h a v e s t o p p e d . I n fact, t h e d e s i r e t o b e a t t h e j u d g e i s o n e o f t h e h a r d e s t motivations to o v e r c o m e in order to truly disengage.You have to be w i l l i n g t o g i v e u p t h e g a m e o f w i n o r lose w i t h y o u r j u d g e a n d g e t on w i t h b e i n g you. In d e f e n d i n g , the c o n t e n t is largely irrelevant; w h a t i s i m p o r t a n t i s t h e fact o f b e i n g a t t a c k e d . Y o u r e c o g n i z e t h a t i t is an attack and that w h a t you w a n t most at the m o m e n t is to be free of it.

Planning a response almost never works. W h a t w o r k s is b e i n g in the

moment

and

responding spontaneously—ideally, surprising

yourself. D o n ' t t h i n k a b o u t i t t o o m u c h ; t h e w o r s t that can h a p p e n i s i t w o n ' t w o r k a n d v o u ' U still b e w h e r e y o u w e r e b e f o r e a n d y o u c a n t r y s o m e t h i n g else. O f t e n , y o u w i l l f i n d t h e j u d g e s a y i n g , " O h , y o u c a n ' t say t h a t ; that's

[ s t u p i d , a t t a c k i n g , i n a p p r o p r i a t e , off

t h e wall, d u m b , a n d s o o n ] . " T h a t i n n e r r e s p o n s e i s a n o t h e r a t t a c k t r y i n g to k e e p you e n g a g e d and is often an indicator that w h a t y o u w e r e a b o u t t o say will w o r k — i n fact, i s e x a c t l y w h a t i s n e e d e d . R e m e m b e r , a g o o d defense is n o t a reasonable response to the attack b u t a break from w h a t is e x p e c t e d , s o m e t h i n g that catches t h e j u d g e off g u a r d b y n o t p l a y i n g its g a m e . T h i s w i l l o f t e n m e a n s p e a k i n g o u t o f c h a r a c t e r for y o u , a s y o u r n o r m a l p a t t e r n i s t o b e e n g a g e d .

W i t h t h e s e f o u r g u i d e l i n e s i n m i n d , let's l o o k a t a s i m p l e e x a m p l e of defending. R o g e r ha:> a fortieth birthday party for himself and invites a n u m ber of g o o d friends. At t h e party, he gathers everyone t o g e t h e r to tell t h e m the amazing things that have h a p p e n e d in his life recently, h o w scared and excited and alive he has felt. After the party, he he.irs his mother's voice in his head s a y i n g , ' Y o u ' l l be sorry you did that because no o n e likes to listen to s o m e o n e talk about himself and m a k e himself i m p o r t a n t . You m a d e yourself

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look very self-centered."This is a familiar refrain, after w h i c h he normally feels depressed and guilty for days and avoids seeing or talking to any ot those friends for fear they are j u d g i n g h i m . T h i s time, however, he stops w h a t he is doing, feels the collapse h a p p e n i n g inside, the tight chest and held breath. He feels the joy and excitement he felt d u r i n g the party draining away as if it were a dream from w h i c h he is waking up. R o g e r feels an ache in his chest and anger in his belly. Before he knows it, he says to the voice, " H o w dare you shame m e . Shut u p ! "

Recognizing

the

Shift

T h i s b r i n g s u s t o t h e shift t h a t o c c u r s w h e n a c t i v e d e f e n d i n g w o r k s . T h e shift i s t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t , a n d it's i n t e r n a l . Y o u m a y n o t i c e i t as it occurs or only afterward w h e n y o u b e c o m e aware of feehng different. W h a t d o e s i t feel like? C o m m o n e x p e r i e n c e s are o f a s e n s e o f release (the h o l d i n g , t e n s i o n , o r p r e s s u r e i s g o n e ) , s p a c e ( m o r e r o o m to breathe, l o o k a r o u n d , or m o v e ) , quiet (the m u l t i t u d e of voices in the h e a d is g o n e ) , e n e r g y or lightness (the d e p r e s s i o n , h e a v iness, o r d e a d n e s s has lifted), o r p r e s e n c e ( b e i n g e x t e n d e d i n t o t h e past o r f u t u r e s t o p s , a n d y o u feel r i g h t h e r e n o w ) . O n a n e m o t i o n a l level, i t m a y b e ' e x p e n e n c e d a s f e e l i n g self-assured, s e p a r a t e , d i s o r i e n t e d , o r n o t c a r m g a b o u t t h e v o i c e e v e n i f it's still t h e r e . B e a w a r e t h a t n o t all e x p e r i e n c e s o f t h e shift are n e c e s s a r i l y p l e a s a n t , s u c h a s feeling alone, e x p a n d e d , disoriented, or empty. T h i s shift i n y o u r sense o f y o u r s e l f i s t h e a c t u a l e x p e r i e n c e o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t . J u s t a s i t has b e e n i m p o r t a n t t o feel a n d u n d e r s t a n d the d e p t h of e n g a g e m e n t w i t h the j u d g e in order to truly w a n t to d i s e n g a g e , s o i t i s vital t o l e a r n t o r e c o g n i z e a n d v a l u e t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t w h e n i t has h a p p e n e d . T h i s m a y s e e m o b v i o u s , b u t i t i s n o t . W h e n y o u are s t r o n g l y o r i e n t e d t o w a r d s e e k i n g a c h a n g e i n t h e j u d g e o r t h e c o n t e n t o f its a t t a c k s , y o u m a y n o t initially v a l u e t h e shift o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t . T h i s i s b e c a u s e i t m a y m a k e n o c h a n g e i n the j u d g e o r the c o n t e n t o f the attack. O n the o t h e r h a n d , the j u d g e and the attack may disappear in the m o m e n t . Regardless ot w h a t h a p p e n s w i t h t h e j u d g e , you are w h e r e t h e a c t i o n is. T h e shift changes y o u r sense of yourself a n d y o u r relationship to the j u d g -

244

S o u L WITHOUT

SHAME

merit so the attack is no longer effective. You are no longer susceptible to being judged. T h a t is what is important, but only experience will help you actually believe it.

Life

Lessons

H a n n a h had been working for some time on her ability to support herself in her relationships with m e n . She wanted so much to have a committed relationship that she found it very difficult n o t to b e c o m e compliant and passive in the face of anything a man might do or say to her, in the hope that he would like her and keep calling. Recently, she had met s o m e o n e n e w w h o m she enjoyed a lot. They spent one afternoon together at his place and afterward made tentative plans to have the next date at her place a week later, on a M o n d a y holiday. She checked in with him midweek, and he c o n firmed his desire to connect but said he couldn't make a definite time because he was trying to schedule something else first. T h a t was fine with her, and they made a p h o n e appointment for M o n day m o r n i n g to finalize the plans. He didn't call as he had said he would, so she finally called h i m and asked what was up. He sounded surprised and replied that because she hadn't wanted to make definite plans, he figured she wasn't really interested, and he had made other arrangements. H a n nah was shocked and normally would have collapsed at that o u t right attack, giving in to her own j u d g e declaring that it was her fault tor (\) not getting him to c o m m i t earlier, (2) not having seen what a jerk he was sooner, or (3) acting so self-protective that he lost interest (her j u d g e s catchall complaint!). She could feel the m o m e n t u m of this familiar self-attack that would overwhelm her and allow her to avoid h o w hurt she actually felt by his heartless behavior.This time, however, she was not going to engage her judge. Instead, she pulled herself together and said simply that she was quite upset at his statement and very hurt by his disregard for what had actually happened. She made it clear that she did not appreciate his actions at all. He began to justify himself, so she told h i m she had nothing further to say and h u n g up. She still felt hurt but noticed she did not feel in the hole of self-attack that was so familiar after

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245

an incident like this. Because she did n o t get h o o k e d by her j u d g e , H a n n a h felt grounded in herself and experienced a surprising clarity in her o w n state of being. O n e other thing to be aware of about the shift;You may recall that your internal attacks developed as a protective mechanism to keep you away from powerful, painful, or overwhelming feelings (rejection, hurt, betrayal, weakness, helplessness, hopelessness, grief, even j o y or passion). By engaging the judge, you stopped moving toward those specific feelings. Now, as you learn to disengage, be aware that you are not necessarily going to feel great even if you are no longer under attack. W h a t may arise is the original feeling that your j u d g e was protecting you from. For example, guilt provoked by an attack may be protecting you from the hopelessness that will arise if you stop feeling guilty. This is often the biggest challenge in truly defending; you must honestly w ant the truth of your own experience m o r e than you want to avoid pain or feel pleasure. These will always lead to the familiarity of e n g a g e m e n t . T h e truth supports w h o you actually are, but it is often difficult to be with as you peel away the layers of your inner life. W i t h care, guidance, and the support of the various qualities ot your essential nature, you have the capacity as an adult to be with your own truths one step at a time in a way you could not be as a child.This is what is necessary in order to be truly yourself. r

Methods

of Defending

W h a t follows are some forms that defending could take, followed by an example of each.The judge's activity is aimed at blocking c o n tact with the freedom and expansiveness of the living soul. So each form points to a way of tapping into the dynamism and aliveness of w h o you are now, unconnected to your history. All are possible as defenses against self-attack as well as external attack. O n l y one or two disengagement forms would be appropriate in any given situation.Which one depends on the context and nature of the attack and on your tendencies in terms of engagement. If the attack is serious and rational, h u m o r might be a good defense. But if you nor-

SOUL

46

WITHOUT

SHAME

íally e n g a g e w i t h t h e j u d g e b y sarcastic c o u n t e r a t t a c k , t h e n h u m o r p r o b a b l y n o t a g o o d c h o i c e b e c a u s e it is t o o close to y o u r familr engagement patterns.

1 . A g g r e s s i o n : F u c k off! S h u t u p ! S t o p ! L e a v e m e a l o n e ! B e cause

attacks

are

aggressive

acts, r e c l a i m i n g t h a t a g g r e s s i v e

s t r e n g t h i s vital. A s i n d i c a t e d e a r l i e r i n t h e c h a p t e r , t h e m o b i l i z a t i o n o f a g g r e s s i o n i s a f u n d a m e n t a l , difficult, a n d h i g h l y effective d e f e n s e for s t o p p i n g a s e l f - a t t a c k . Strength is t h e p a r t i c u l a r s o u l q u a l i t y t h a t fuels t h i s d e f e n s e . ( C h a p t e r 1 1 : F r a n k ; c h a p t e r 18: Sue, Paul, exercise: c h a p t e r 20: Mary.) 2. I n d i g n a t i o n : How dare you speak to me that way! A c l o s e c o u s i n to direct assertion, indignation is r i g h t e o u s anger w i t h the addit i o n a l f e e l i n g o f o u t r a g e a t t h e j u d g e ' s l a c k o f r e s p e c t for y o u r d i g n i t y o r a n y o n e else's. ( C h a p t e r 2 0 : R o g e r . ) 3. T r u t h : That hurts me or It scares me when you talk that way. Stop it! S i m p l y s p e a k i n g y o u r o w n t r u t h i n t h e m o m e n t m a y b r e a k the e n g a g e m e n t , and it w o r k s well c o m b i n e d w i t h the assertion disengagement. T h e p o i n t here is that y o u r awareness b e c o m e s focused on vour o w n experience rather than on the c o n t e n t of the attack or the presence of the j u d g e (either ot w h i c h m e a n s e n g a g e m e n t ) . Y o u r s o u l i s i n c o n t a c t w i t h truth, a n d y o u r w o r d s s u p p o r t t h a t , g i v i n g life t o this d e f e n s e . ( C h a p t e r 2 0 : H a n n a h , M a r y ; c h a p t e r 2 2 : Sue.) 4. H u m o r : I only let bullies say that to me. T h i s a p p r o a c h is n o t to a c c e p t t h e s e r i o u s n e s s o f this j u d g m e n t b u s i n e s s . T h e p o w e r o f h u m o r i s i n its a b i l i t y t o b r e a k t h r o u g h t h e e x p e c t a t i o n s a n d assumptions inherent in engagement with j u d g m e n t . Mental f u n c t i o n i n g c a n n o t m a i n t a i n its e s t a b l i s h e d p a t t e r n w h e n a l i v e ness i s a c t i v a t e d t h r o u g h t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f s p o n t a n e o u s l a u g h ter. H u m o r d r a w s

on t h e

soul's joy a n d strength

t o fuel its

challenge t o self-attack. ( C h a p t e r 1 3 : F r a n k ; c h a p t e r 20: M a r y ) 5. A g r e e m e n t :

You're right. I don't know what I'm doing. T h i s m a y

s o u n d like g e t t i n g i n v o l v e d w i t h t h e c o n t e n t . A n d i t i s i f y o u are h o o k e d b y i t — i f y o u a c c e p t t h e s t a t e m e n t a s a j u d g m e n t .

Defending The

Against

defense, however, is

simply

Judgment to

247

defuse

the

attack

bv

a c k n o w l e d g i n g the c o n t e n t w i t h o u t accepting the negative valu a t i o n . I n fact, this c a n b e a v e r y effective d e f e n s e b e c a u s e t h e judge's p o w e r d e p e n d s o n y o u r feeling j u d g e d o r bad a b o u t h o w i t d e s c r i b e s y o u . I f y o u h a v e e n o u g h strength a n d acceptance to allow w h a t is true, or even w h a t m i g h t be true, in the c o n t e n t o f t h e a t t a c k , this d e f e n s e c a n b e a s i m p l e a c c e p t a n c e o f t h e judge's observations w i t h o u t taking on any blame. (Chapter 20: Jeff, M a r y ; c h a p t e r 6 : F r a n k ' s dish w a s h i n g . ) 6. E x a g g e r a t i o n : Yes, I'm the dumbest (use an a d j e c t i v e a p p r o p r i a t e to t h e a t t a c k ) person in the whole country. D e f e n d i n g w i t h exaggeration is a m o r e energetic f o r m of agreement: claiming t h e n e g a t i v e q u a l i t y a s s o m e t h i n g y o u are s t r a n g e e n o u g h t o e n j o y a n d so t h e attack e n d s up giving y o u energy. R e m e m b e r , y o u r a t t a c k s g e t m o s t o f t h e i r p o w e r from c a u s i n g y o u t o reject yourself. So this d i s e n g a g e m e n t relies on acceptance a n d joy as a g r o u n d for its effectiveness. ( C h a p t e r 2 0 : F r a n k . ) 7. E x p o s i n g t h e j u d g e :

Wlto cares what you think? or Wlio are you

to judge me? T h i s is basically c a l l i n g a s p a d e a s p a d e a n d n o t a c c e p t i n g t h e a u t h o r i t y o f t h e j u d g e o r its r i g h t t o m a k e a n y k i n d o f p r o n o u n c e m e n t a b o u t y o u . T h e m o r e y o u h a v e a sense o f y o u r o w n value a n d t h e strength t o align w i t h it, t h e m o r e c o n v i c t i o n this defense will have. ( C h a p t e r 20; M a r y ; c h a p t e r 2 2 : Sue.) 8. S u r r e n d e r : S'ou> you've made meJeelguilty. T h i s r e s p o n s e is b a s i cally a n a c k n o w l e d g m e n t t h a t t h e j u d g e h a s m a d e y o u feel e x a c t l y w h a t i t w a n t e d t o . Y o u are s u r r e n d e r i n g a n y effort t o c h a n g e that and at t h e same t i m e d e s c r i b i n g the activity of t h e j u d g e rather than believing that it means there is s o m e t h i n g w r o n g w i t h y o u . T h i s d e f e n s e d r a w s o n personal will a n d strength in accepting the p o w e r of the attack w i t h o u t b e c o m i n g i d e n tified w i t h t h e feelings. ( C h a p t e r 2 0 : F r a n k . ) 9. D i s i n t e r e s t :

Thanks for the advice.

Til

have

to

think

about

it.

H e r e , a s w i t h n u m b e r five, y o u d o n ' t f i g h t t h e c o n t e n t b u t consciously

stay

neutral

and

actively

end

the

interaction.

SOUL

A g a i n , personal

will

WITHOUT

and

strength

SHAMF

provide

the

groundedness

n e e d e d t o stay c o n n e c t e d t o y o u r i n t e n t i o n o f n o t e n g a g i n g . ( C h a p t e r 2 3 : Frank.) C h a n g i n g the

s u b j e c t : Have yon ever seen such a great shirt?

W i t h this r e s p o n s e , y o u are n o t e n g a g i n g and y o u are a c t i v e l y placing your attention elsewhere. By connecting with your o w n spaciousness a n d strength t o shift y o u r a t t e n t i o n a w a y f r o m t h e a t t a c k , this d e f e n s e refuses t o allow y o u r a w a r e n e s s t o b e controlled. (Chapter 8: Frank.) C o m p a s s i o n : If I'm really acting that way, it must he painful for you. T h i s i s f o c u s i n g o n w h e r e t h e o t h e r i s c o m i n g f r o m r a t h e r t h a n o n yourself, a s t h e j u d g e w a n t s y o u t o . T h i s r e s p o n s e g e n erally r e q u i r e s

c o n s i d e r a b l e d i s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n a n d strength n o t

o n l y t o a v o i d g e t t i n g h o o k e d b y t h e a t t a c k b u t also t o p u t y o u r self e m p a t h i c a l l y i n t h e j u d g e s s h o e s a n d feel t h e d i s c o m f o r t o r c o n c e r n u n d e r n e a t h t h e j u d g m e n t . T o act f r o m compassion c a n b r i n g healing to an inner battleground, and it is the approach m o s t likely t o t r a n s f o r m a r e l a t i o n s h i p filled w i t h j u d g m e n t i n t o one characterized by openness and c o m m u n i c a t i o n . (Chapter 2 0 : Jeff: c h a p t e r 2 4 : S u e . ) Breathe and sense:

Breathe but do not support the attack inter-

nally or externally. P r a c t i c e s e n s i n g y o u r a r m s , legs, a n d b e l l y to keep yourself g r o u n d e d as you

experience

the attack. This

d e f e n s e activates awareness a n d personal will as s u p p o r t s for its effectiveness. ( C h a p t e r 5 : F r a n k ; c h a p t e r 9 : S u e . ) A c t i v e v i s u a l i z a t i o n : Picture in your mind taking some action that halts the attack. T h i s s t r a t e g y uses strength e n e r g y w i t h o u t n e e d i n g t o e x t e r n a l i z e it. F o r this t o w o r k , y o u m u s t let y o u r s e l f feel t h e effects o f y o u r i m a g i n a r y a c t i o n s u c h a s e x p l o s i o n , d i s m e m b e r m e n t , o r m a c h i n e g u n blast. T h e o b j e c t i s t o r e c l a i m y o u r sense of p o w e r a n d control over y o u r process. A n y t h i n g g o e s , b u t d o n ' t let t h e j u d g e m a k e y o u feel g u i l t y for s e e m i n g l y violent behavior.You're only destroying images! T h e goal is n o t to get c a u g h t up in revenge but to tree y o u r o w n e n e r g y and feel t h e f r e e d o m . I f m a c a b r e acts d o t h a t , fine! ( C h a p t e r 1 8 : S u e . )

Defending

Against

Judgment

249

I n all o f t h e s e m e a n s o f def e n d i n g , t h e w o r d s t h e m s e l v e s o n l y p r o v i d e a sense o f w h a t t h e d e f e n s e i s . T h e a c t u a l d i s e n g a g e m e n t o c c u r s i n s i d e y o u o n a g u t level. I f y o u feel this shift, t h e p a r t i c u l a r w o r d s a n d f o r m o f r e s p o n s e w i l l o f t e n t a k e c a r e o f t h e m s e l v e s . I f y o u d o n ' t feel it, s a y i n g t h e w o r d s w o n ' t n e c e s s a r i l y g e t y o u t h e r e , b u t t h e y c a n h e l p . T h i s skill d o e s n ' t d e v e l o p o v e r n i g h t ; i t takes p r a c t i c e . T h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t t h i n g i s t o start d o i n g it, e v e n i f i t d o e s n ' t always w o r k .

Disengaging

Rather Than

Engaging

Let's n o w l o o k a t a c o u p l e o f e x a m p l e s o f s o m e o n e b e i n g a t t a c k e d . T h e first s c e n a r i o d e m o n s t r a t e s s t a y i n g e n g a g e d , t h e s e c o n d s u c cessfully d e f e n d i n g against t h e a t t a c k . Jeff was at his desk paying bills w h e n his wife, Louise, called from the b a t h r o o m , " W h y can't you ever clean the b a t h t u b after you take a bath? It looks like a pig had a field day in here. You never consider the fact that s o m e o n e else lives here!" " H o w do you k n o w I was the last o n e to use the t u b ? " Jeff barked back. " H o w do I know? Well, you did take a bath last night, didn't you? A n d I've been at w o r k all day.Who else w o u l d it b e ? " Jeff tried a different c o m e b a c k : "Yeah, so what! H o w many times do I have to clean your hairs o u t of the drain so I can take a shower w i t h o u t having to stand in w a r m water up to my ankles!" "You know, you are an asshole!" came the disgusted reply from the o t h e r r o o m . A s h e listens t o L o u i s e , Jeff i s h e a r i n g his o w n j u d g e ' s i n t e r n a l a t t a c k t h a t h e b l e w it, p r o o f t h a t h e i s a s l o b a n d selfish. H e starts b y r a t i o n a l i z i n g t h a t m a y b e h e i s b e i n g falsely a c c u s e d a n d t h e n shifts t o c o u n t e r a t t a c k i n g h e r . H e stays e n g a g e d , a n d s o d o e s she. N o w t h e s a m e i n t e r a c t i o n w i t h Jeff d e f e n d i n g : Jeff was at his desk paying bills w h e n his wife, Louise, called from the b a t h r o o m , " W h y can't you ever clean the b a t h t u b after you take a bath? It looks like a pig had a field day in h e r e Y o u never consider the fact that s o m e o n e else lives here!"

SOUL WITHOUT

250

SHA ML

"I did enjoy my bath. Sorry I left a mess. L'11 clean it up as soon as Tin done here," Jeff replied. "Never mind, I'm already doing it." Louise was not to be denied her suffering. "How come I'm the only one who takes responsibility for having a clean house?" Jeff sat feeling the angry pain in her comment before asking, "Would you like any help?" "No. I work best alone," came the swift reply. There was a pause, then Louise said, "But thanks anyway." T h i s t i m e , Jeff focuses o n t h e p r o b l e m L o u i s e b r i n g s u p r a t h e r t h a n t h e v e i l e d a c c u s a t i o n b e h i n d it, t h u s a v o i d i n g g e t t i n g e n g a g e d w i t h t h e j u d g m e n t . H e d e f e n d s b y a g r e e i n g w i t h his wife's assessm e n t o f t h e p r o b l e m b u t n o t t h e i m p l i c a t i o n t h a t h e i s a t fault. L o u i s e , t h o u g h , d o e s n o t g i v e u p easily a n d a t t a c k s a g a i n , t a k i n g o n t h e v i c t i m r o l e a n d p u l l i n g for Jeff t o feel guilty. A g a i n , h e d e f e n d s himself by

avoiding

challenging

her

blanket

generalization

w o u l d be the obvious rationalizing engagement)

(this

and by avoiding

t a k i n g o n t h e g u i l t . H e basically e x p o s e s h e r p l o y b y o f f e r i n g t o h e l p , a

compassionate

response. This

makes

it

clear

he

will

not

get

involved w i t h h e r self-righteous suffering b u t will r e s p o n d if she is t r u l y i n n e e d . S h e gets t h e m e s s a g e . N e x t , w e h a v e M a r y d e a l i n g w i t h a self-attack:

Mary had recently stood up for herself in a new way in an intimate relationship. After nine months of putting up with complaints and dissatisfaction from her partner, she finally came out and told Joyce to leave if she found the relationship so disappointing."! do not have to listen to your attacks on me any longer. This is who I am, and if I'm not what you want, take responsibility and get out."Joyce felt attacked and hurt and refused to talk to her for several weeks. At first, Mary felt strong, centered, and proud of herself for taking a stand, but after a week with no word from Joyce, she began to feel lost. About that time, the unmerciful attacks from her judge started. "It was about time you stood up for yourself. But how could you have been so blind to have not seen what was happening earlier? You should have done this the first month! How come you put up with her whining for so long?" Her judge harped on her every spare moment.

Defending

Against

Judgment

251

M a r y w o u l d try and reason with it. " L o o k , I've never been able to say anything like this before. I think I deserve a little credit, don't I?" "For what? For finally having the guts to act halfway like an adult? H o w old are you, and h o w many years have you p u t up w i t h this kind of treatment from partners? A n d d o n ' t forget six years of therapy!" "Well, I kept h o p i n g if I tried hard e n o u g h to please her, she w o u l d start appreciating me and n o t complain all the time," pleaded Mary. H e r j u d g e was n o t impressed. " W h y should people appreciate you w h e n you act like a child? You didn't deserve anything better because you t h o u g h t it was your fault.You make me sick." "You're right. 1 can't believe h o w bad I am. I have been a total w i m p to p u t up w i t h this kind of treatment from others. I think I deserved every bit of it. I hate myself." M a r y has e x p a n d e d i n t o n e w a n d u n f a m i l i a r t e r r i t o r y b y d e f e n d i n g herself against Joyce's attacks. B u t separating from J o y c e does n o t separate her from t h e attacks o f h e r o w n j u d g e . T h e j u d g e i s p u t t i n g h e r b a c k i n t h e familiar t e r r i t o r y o t s e l f - l o a t h i n g t o distract h e r f r o m t h e f e e l i n g o f l o n e l i n e s s . A t first, s h e r a t i o n a l i z e s i n a n a t t e m p t t o g e t s o m e s y m p a t h y f r o m t h e j u d g e . S h e w a n t s h e r j u d g e ' s s u p p o r t for w h a t s h e has d o n e . W h e n this d o e s n ' t w o r k , s h e f i n a l l y a b s o r b s t h e a t t a c k a n d collapses i n t o s e l f - h a t r e d . W h a t e v e r e x p a n s i o n h a d h a p p e n e d i n h e r i n t e r a c t i o n w i t h J o y c e has b e e n c o m p l e t e l y lost. N o w , let's see w h a t h a p p e n s i f M a r y d i s e n g a g e s . . . . At first, M a r y felt strong, centered, and p r o u d of herself for taking a stand, but after a w e e k with no w o r d from Joyce, she began to feel lost. A b o u t that time, the unmerciful attacks from her j u d g e started. "It was a b o u t time you stood up tor yourself. B u t h o w could you have been so blind to have not seen w h a t was h a p p e n i n g earlier? You should have d o n e this the first m o n t h ! H o w c o m e you p u t up with her w h i n i n g for so long?" H e r j u d g e w o u l d harp on her every spare m o m e n t . After trying to ignore its relentless badgering, M a r y responded w i t h frustration, " H e y ! I don't need your complaining at me any m o r e than I n e e d e d Joyce's. So leave me alone."

252

SOUL

WITHOUT

SHAME

"You want me to leave you alone? You are alone e n o u g h already. A n d it's all y o u r fault Y o u always pick losers to be in relationship with." "I do.You're right." "Well, what's y o u r p r o b l e m ? " " I ' m slow." "You're slow? . . . O f course, you are.That's w h y decent m e n are never interested in you." " B o y , y o u are boring.You sound just like my m o t h e r . Go talk to her. I ' m busy." M a r y laughed as she felt herself b e i n g p r o d d e d w i t h a b r o o m the way h e r m o t h e r used to do w h e n she t h o u g h t M a r y was m a k i n g fun of her. "You are getting way o u t of hand, y o u n g lady. You b e t t e r w a t c h y o u r step or you will really get into h o t water. You n e e d m e . N o b o d y likes an i n d e p e n d e n t bitch!" H e r j u d g e w'as on t h e defensive and fighting for its life. " S h u t the fuck u p ! " roared M a r y i n her m i n d . T h e r e was silence as she felt the heat and intensity of her o w n strength. She felt space inside and around h e r and once again was aware of feeling lost and lonely w i t h o u t Joyce around. But the strength felt n o u r i s h i n g . Feeling strong and lonely was a n e w c o m b i n a t i o n and definitely preferable to b e i n g attacked. This time, M a r y does not buy into the content of w h a t her j u d g e i s s a y i n g t o h e r . A f t e r passively n o t e n g a g i n g d o e s n ' t w o r k , s h e defends herself by exposing the j u d g e as d o i n g the same t h i n g Joyce d i d . S h e s p e a k s t h e t r u t h a b o u t h o w a n n o y i n g a n d u n h e l p f u l its c o m m e n t s are. T h i s o n l y stirs i t u p m o r e . N e x t , s h e d e f e n d s w i t h a g r e e m e n t , u p s e t t i n g t h e j u d g e ' s t i m i n g — a n d still i t persists. H u m o r is next, as she recognizes the way h e r m o t h e r talked a n d acted t o w a r d her. W h e n h e r j u d g e viciously attacks again, she s u m m o n s her o w n a g g r e s s i v e e n e r g y t o s i l e n c e it. T h i s b r i n g s h e r b a c k t o b e i n g c e n t e r e d i n herself, w h i c h m e a n s f e e l i n g t h e loss o f t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h J o y c e . N o w s t h o u g h , s h e h a s s p a c e f r o m h e r j u d g e s o s h e c a n feel l o n e l y w i t h o u t f e e l i n g b a d a b o u t it. R e m e m b e r , i n n e r a n d o u t e r j u d g e s are o f t e n p e r s i s t e n t : t h e y w o n ' t g i v e u p easily. I f y o u d e f e n d yourself, t h e y m a y a t t a c k a g a i n . If they do, defend again. S o m e t i m e s , you m a y find that no m a t t e r h o w o f t e n y o u say t h e w o r d s , o r h o w m a n y d i f f e r e n t a p p r o a c h e s y o u

Defending

Against

judgment

253

try, d i s e n g a g e m e n t will n o t h a p p e n . T h i s m a y m e a n y o u are n o t y e t r e a d y t o s e p a r a t e f r o m t h e s e l f - i m a g e ( y o u feel t o o i d e n t i f i e d w i t h t h e h u r t o r a n g r y c h i l d t o let i t g o ) . N e v e r t h e l e s s , p r a c t i c e i s v a l u able for o b s e r v i n g y o u r p r o c e s s a n d s e e i n g w h a t k e e p s t h a t a t t a c k a c t i v e i n y o u r life. Y o u r a b i l i t y t o d e f e n d actively a n d i m m e d i a t e l y a g a i n s t a n a t t a c k — s t o p p i n g yourself from engaging the j u d g e — d i r e c t l y supp o r t s b r i n g i n g p e a c e a n d q u i e t i n t o y o u r i n n e r life. I n n e r stillness w i l l n e v e r arise w i t h o u t a c o m m i t m e n t t o d i s e n g a g i n g .

POINTS TO REMEMBER •

D e f e n d i n g i s t h e p r a c t i c e o f active d i s e n g a g i n g , w h i c h i s s u p p o r t e d b y a c t i v a t i n g y o u r vital survival s t r e n g t h a n d i n t e l l i g e n c e . Its a i m i s t o i n t e r r u p t , i n t h e m o m e n t , y o u r e n g a g e m e n t w i t h t h e a t t a c k i n o r d e r t o s t o p it.

•

I t i s i m p o r t a n t t o e x a m i n e t h e c o n t e n t o f a n a t t a c k , h o w i t affects y o u , w h y y o u b e l i e v e it, w h e r e i t c a m e f r o m , a n d w h o i t m a k e s y o u b e l i e v e y o u are. H o w e v e r , s u c h m e n t a l u n d e r s t a n d i n g m u s t b e i n t h e s e r v i c e o f e x t r a c t i n g y o u f r o m t h e g r i p s o f t h e attack; i t i s n o t m e r e l y for s e l f - i m p r o v e m e n t o r t o m a k e y o u a b e t t e r p e r s o n .

•

D e f e n d i n g is a c o n s c i o u s act of c o n f r o n t i n g h e a d - o n t h e a t t a c k y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g b y b r i n g i n g y o u r full a w a r e n e s s t o t h e fact of being j u d g e d and acting on that awareness.

• J u s t a s i t has b e e n i m p o r t a n t t o feel a n d u n d e r s t a n d t h e d e p t h o f e n g a g e m e n t w i t h the j u d g e in order to truly w a n t to disengage, s o i t i s vital t o l e a r n t o r e c o g n i z e a n d v a l u e t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t w h e n i t has h a p p e n e d . W h e n y o u are s t r o n g l y o r i e n t e d t o w a r d s e e k i n g a c h a n g e i n t h e j u d g e o r t h e c o n t e n t o f its a t t a c k s , y o u m a y n o t initially v a l u e t h e shift o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t . •

T h e shift c h a n g e s y o u r s e n s e o f y o u r s e l f a n d y o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p t o t h e j u d g m e n t s o t h e a t t a c k i s n o l o n g e r effective.

• A s y o u l e a r n t o d i s e n g a g e , b e a w a r e t h a t y o u are n o t n e c e s s a r i l y g o i n g t o feel g r e a t e v e n i f y o u are n o l o n g e r u n d e r a t t a c k . W h a t m a y arise i s t h e o r i g i n a l f e e l i n g t h a t y o u r j u d g e w a s p r o t e c t i n g y o u from.

254

•

SOUL

WITHOUT

SHAME

T h i s is often t h e biggest challenge in truly defending: y o u m u s t honestly want the truth of y o u r o w n experience m o r e than you w a n t t h e c o m f o r t o r familiarity o f t h e e n g a g e m e n t .

•

S o m e t i m e s , n o m a t t e r w h a t y o u try, d i s e n g a g e m e n t w i l l n o t h a p p e n . T h i s m a y m e a n y o u are n o t yet ready t o separate from t h e s e l f - i m a g e ( y o u feel t o o i d e n t i f i e d w i t h t h e c h i l d o r t h e j u d g e t o let i t g o ) . N e v e r t h e l e s s , p r a c t i c i n g i s v a l u a b l e for o b s e r v i n g y o u r p r o c e s s a n d s e e i n g w h a t k e e p s t h e a t t a c k a c t i v e i n y o u r life.

GUIDELINES FOR DEFENDING •

Y o u m u s t b e w i l l i n g t o act o n y o u r o w n behalf.

•

T h e statement should be short (no m o r e than ten words), direct, a n d c o n c l u s i v e . S p e a k a s t h o u g h y o u e x p e c t t o say n o t h i n g m o r e .

•

If you r e s p o n d to the c o n t e n t of the attack, it is almost g u a r a n teed that y o u will r e m a i n e n g a g e d .

•

Planning a response almost never works.

EXERCISE: THE PRACTICE OF DEFENDING D e f e n d i n g is a p r a c t i c e . Y o u m u s t practice it. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , it is difficult t o d o this b y y o u r s e l f e x c e p t w h e n real-life o p p o r t u n i t i e s arise. T h e f o l l o w i n g e x e r c i s e is a start at d e v e l o p i n g a s e n s e of w h a t it feels l i k e t o d e f e n d effectively. I t i s b e s t d o n e w i t h a f r i e n d w h o i s w a l l i n g t o h e l p . Y o u c o u l d also t r y i t w i t h a t a p e r e c o r d e r . T h e e x e r c i s e is similar to t h e o n e at t h e e n d of c h a p t e r 18, b u t it will take y o u b e y o n d s i m p l y a c c e s s i n g y o u r s t r e n g t h i n t h e face o f a n a t t a c k w i t h generic statements. You can n o w develop the capacity to respond specifically a n d t o b e a w a r e o t t h e shift o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t . C h o o s e a familiar self-attack a n d give t h e s t a t e m e n t to y o u r friend to deliver to y o u as if he or she w e r e y o u r j u d g e . T h a t p e r son's task i s t o s u p p o r t y o u b y s i m p l y a n d c l e a r l y d e l i v e r i n g t h e s t a t e m e n t to you as if he or she m e a n t it but w i t h o u t exaggerated malice o r negativity. T h e w o r d s o f the attack will d o the w o r k n e e d e d . T h e r e a r e f o u r s i m p l e steps i n w o r k i n g w i t h this a t t a c k :

Defending Step 1.

Against

Judgment

255

Hear and feel the statement. N o t i c e y o u r e n g a g e m e n t on an e x p e r i e n t i a l as w e l l as a c o n t e n t level.

Step 2.

Take a breath. T h i s step is p r o b a b l y t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t , as i t will h e l p y o u c o n n e c t w i t h y o u r s e l f i n t h e m o m e n t . I f you have b e e n practicing sensing y o u r body, that can be an a d d i t i o n a l p a r t o f t h i s step. E x p e r i e n c e y o u r s e l f b r e a t h i n g and b e i n g in your b o d y at that m o m e n t .

Step 3 .

Respond. F o l l o w t h e g u i d e l i n e s listed a b o v e : s h o r t , d i r e c t , spontaneous. R e m e m b e r , w h a t defends you is as m u c h the energy and c o m m i t m e n t in your response as the content of your words.

Step 4.

Check yourself and see if you are aware of a shift from how you felt at step /. R e m e m b e r t h a t a shift will m a n i f e s t as s o m e k i n d o f c h a n g e i n h o w y o u are f e e l i n g — p h y s i c a l l y (less t e n s i o n , easier b r e a t h i n g , m o r e e n e r g y ) , e m o t i o n a l l y (feeli n g l i g h t e r , less d e p r e s s e d , m o r e d e t e r m i n e d ) , o r m e n t a l l y ( t h o u g h t s d i s a p p e a r , t h e j u d g m e n t b e c o m e s silly, t h e a t t a c k loses r e l e v a n c e for y o u ) . If y o u felt a shift, p e r h a p s y o u d i s e n g a g e d . Y o u c a n c h e c k this b y s e e i n g w h e t h e r y o u still feel i n v o l v e d w i t h o r affected b y t h e a t t a c k . I f y o u d o , t r y again. T h e shift m i g h t n o t i m m e d i a t e l y feel a s i f i t deals w i t h t h e attack because it doesn't provide an answer, b u t if it shifts y o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p to t h e a t t a c k , this is at least a first step in d e f e n d i n g .

I f y o u r r e s p o n s e w o r k e d , y o u c a n t r y a different a t t a c k . I f y o u r response didn't w o r k (which is c o m m o n in practicing), have y o u r p a r t n e r d e l i v e r t h e a t t a c k a g a i n a n d g o t h r o u g h t h e steps a g a i n . K e e p p r a c t i c i n g u n t i l y o u find a r e s p o n s e t h a t t r u l y d e f e n d s y o u . B e a w a r e that y o u m a y n o t be ready to separate from s o m e d e e p attacks on your o w n . T h i s is normal. I f y o u are u s i n g a t a p e r e c o r d e r , t a p e y o u r s e l f d e l i v e r i n g o n e o f y o u r a t t a c k s . R e p e a t i t several t i m e s i n a r o w w i t h p a u s e s i n b e t w e e n . T h a t way, y o u c a n p a u s e t h e r e c o r d e r after e a c h d e l i v e r y a n d p r a c tice r e s p o n d i n g .

Frank and Sue sat on the porch with their burritos and beers as the evening sky filled with colors from the setting s u n . T h e n e i g h b o r h o o d was quiet now, and the air was still surprisingly w a r m . T h e y ate their food in silence, enjoying the chance to rest and be engaged in a simple, satisfying activity like eating. T h e y b o t h felt a sense of relaxation and plenty of time. No rush. A n d w h a t was particularly unusual was that they didn't n e e d to talk. T h e y were clearly aware of each o t h e r as they were aware of everything from their food to the flowers on the p o r c h , from the first crickets chirping to the reds and golds in the western sky. As they sat, the sky gradually darkened until all the flaming color was g o n e and a rich dark blue band arched over the h o r i z o n w h e r e the sun had set. It was harder to see their food, but neither Frank n o r Sue felt any need to see. Frank was amazed at h o w incredibly sensual it felt to wash his m o u t h with a swig of beer and feel the subtle b u r n i n g of the carbonation and the slight bitterness of the b r e w as it slid d o w n his throat. It felt like such a rich c o m p l e m e n t to the textures and flavors of the b u r r i t o . He found himself savoring even the feeling of c h e w i n g itself—the way the m u s cles in his j a w w o r k e d and his t o n g u e pushed the food around in his mouth. Sue looked at Frank and caught his eye. T h e y gazed at each o t h e r w i t h o u t any feeling of n e e d i n g to c o m m u n i c a t e and w i t h o u t any discomfort, it was satisfying just to be there with each o t h e r and the s u m m e r evening. Frank noticed that he felt very peaceful and still inside as he c o n tinued eating. He was aware that the darkness seemed to b r i n g a similar quiet to the air around t h e m . He found he was totally c o n t e n t e d w i t h this slow, relaxed,and very attentive process of having d i n n e r . T h e r e was n o n e of his usual rushing to d o w n his food or the need to talk, think, or read to fill up the space. In fact, he was amazed that he could hardly r e m e m b e r ever really e x p e r i e n c i n g eating before. It was n o t about the kind or even the quality of the food or h o w it was cooked; it was about the actual e x p e r i e n c i n g of eating. Or was it really a b o u t the stillness inside him? T h a t stillness seemed to outline every m o v e m e n t , every sound, every sensation with a hissing q u i e t . T h e i n n e r quiet felt like a blanket that absorbed any familiar sense of himself, leaving only awareness and the activity of eating.

21 PEACE

O N E C H A R A C T E R I S T I C O F DAILY life t h a t i n c r e a s e s a n d d e c r e a s e s i n intensity b u t never seems to disappear is a sense of busyness or c o n stant activity It is c o m m o n to e x p e r i e n c e the n o n s t o p quality of e x t e r n a l activity, b u t e q u a l l y p r e s s i n g i s t h e a c t i v i t y o f t h e m i n d — t h e a g i t a t i o n , restlessness, p r e o c c u p a t i o n , d i a l o g u e , a n d b u s y n e s s o f one's i n n e r w o r l d . In tact, t h e possibility of a truly q u i e t m i n d seems l i k e a d r e a m for a f u t u r e v a c a t i o n , r e t i r e m e n t , o r e n l i g h t e n m e n t . I t is hard to imagine having no thoughts, no concerns, no worries, no p l a n s , n o r e g r e t s — j u s t stillness i n s i d e like t h e q u i e t i n t h e d e s e r t o r the mountains. Some people would question why one would want s u c h a state; o t h e r s s p e n d m u c h o f t h e i r life s e a r c h i n g for a taste o f t h a t i n n e r stillness. T h e r e is s u c h an aspect of y o u r t r u e n a t u r e — a sense of i n n e r p e a c e — b u t y o u s e l d o m h a v e a c o n s c i o u s e x p e r i e n c e o í it. Y o u r i n n e r busyness is obviously a major obstacle to y o u r ever e n c o u n t e r i n g such an i n n e r quiet. A n d as you m i g h t guess, a p r i m a r y player i n m a i n t a i n i n g i n n e r a c t i v i t y i s t h e j u d g e . H o w o f t e n d o y o u find the j u d g e appearing with some c o m m e n t or c o n c e r n just as your m i n d i s b e g i n n i n g t o settle a n d rest? A n d h o w o f t e n i s t h e c o n t e n t T

o f y o u r m i n d a n o n g o i n g e n g a g e m e n t w ith t h e j u d g e i n o n e o f those endless l o o p s of attack a n d defend?

Wlien

Everything

Stops

I n n e r p e a c e i s a s e n s e o f total stillness, w i t h n o activity, n o m o v e m e n t , no sound. B u t m o r e than that, there is no desire or n e e d tor

258

S O U L WITH O U T SHA M E

activity, m o v e m e n t , o r s o u n d . T h e stillness i s l i k e a t h i c k b l a n k e t o f total quiet. H a v e you ever b e e n engrossed in an activity and s u d denly b e e n i n t e r r u p t e d by a l o u d noise? Or in a conversation on a c l o u d y day w h e n t h e sun s u d d e n l y b r o k e t h r o u g h and s h o n e o n t o t h e t a b l e i n f r o n t o f y o u ? I n e i t h e r case, t h e i n t e r r u p t i o n o f s o u n d or light m a y have b r o k e n y o u r busyness a n d created a space, a pause, a m o m e n t of suspended time. Everything stopped, and suddenly you w e r e aware of subtle sounds: breathing, the clock ticking, electrical h u m s , birdsongs, your o w n heartbeat. At those times, y o u usually pause only briefly before p l u n g i n g b a c k i n t o y o u r c o n v e r s a t i o n o r activity. H o w e v e r , i f y o u w e r e t o stay i n t h a t s u s p e n d e d m o m e n t , y o u m i g h t n o t i c e a d e e p stillness t h a t e n v e l o p s e v e r y t h i n g . It is as it y o u r f a m i l i a r f o c u s a n d i n v o l v e m e n t v a n i s h e d a n d all t h a t r e m a i n s i s y o u r a w a r e n e s s o f e x a c t l y w h e r e y o u are a n d w h a t i s h a p p e n i n g . Y o u b e c o m e a w a r e t h a t y o u are n o t thinking, not planning, not remembering, not worrying, not imagining: n o n e of y o u r familiar m e n t a l activity is o c c u r r i n g . B e c a u s e y o u r usual sense o f self-recognition d e p e n d s o n familiar i n n e r d i a l o g u e , w h e n i t s t o p s , you s e e m t o d i s a p p e a r . T h e w o r l d c o n t i n u e s t o b e there, b u t w i t h o u t y o u r doingness, will y o u c o n t i n u e t o be? E v e r y t h i n g s e e m s v e r y q u i e t , t h o u g h y o u n o t i c e t h a t s o u n d s are t h e r e a s u s u a l . I n fact, y o u r h e a r i n g s e e m s m o r e a c u t e , a n d t h e s o u n d s are d i s t i n c t a n d c l e a r - c u t a g a i n s t t h e b a c k g r o u n d stillness. At

this

point,

the

mind

generally

kicks

in

again

as

you

m e t a p h o r i c a l l y shake y o u r h e a d t o get t h e familiar t h i n k i n g e n g i n e g o i n g . Y o u feel c o m p e l l e d t o r e e s t a b l i s h w h e r e a n d w h o y o u are, w h a t y o u w e r e d o i n g , a n d w h a t n e e d s t o b e d o n e , i n a n effort t o p i c k u p w h e r e y o u left o f f . T h e stillness i s g o n e , a n d y o u are b a c k t o "normal.'

1

r

Stillness is a c l o s e c o u s i n to t h e q u a l i t y of s p a c i o u s n e s s w e e x p l o r e d i n c h a p t e r 17. T h e y a r e t h e t w o sides o f t h e c o i n o f n a t u r a l m i n d . T h e m i n d feels free a n d alive a n d a w a k e w h e n tilled w i t h s p a c e ; w h e n p e a c e c o m e s , t h e m i n d b e c o m e s s o still i t a l m o s t d i s a p p e a r s . S p a c i o u s n e s s i s l i g h t , airy, o p e n , a n d e m p t y . P e a c e i s o p e n , still, q u i e t , a n d full of a p a l p a b l e p r e s e n c e . S p a c e feels as if e v e r y t h i n g w e r e g o n e , n o b a r r i e r s r e m a i n , a n d y o u c o u l d see forever. P e a c e feels l i k e a s m o o t h , d e n s e b l a c k n e s s t h a t d e s c e n d s a n d dissolves e v e r y -

Peace

259

thing, leaving only the serenity of c o m p l e t e darkness. Spaciousness is daylight in the m i n d , a n d p e a c e is night.

Stillness

and Judgment

T h e j u d g e i s n o t a t all i n t e r e s t e d i n this k i n d o f stillness i n w h i c h t h e m i n d s t o p s . T h e j u d g e o n l y exists i n t h e m i n d a n d its activity. N o m i n d m e a n s t h a t t h e j u d g e loses all its c o n t r o l , s o i t a t t a c k s s u c h e x p e r i e n c e s a s d a n g e r o u s i f t h e y last for m o r e t h a n a m o m e n t . " Y o u will get n o t h i n g d o n e i f y o u r m i n d stops b e c a u s e y o u will f o r g e t w h a t y o u are d o i n g . . . . Y o u w i l l l o o k a n d s o u n d l i k e a fool w h e n t h e r e are n o t h o u g h t s . . . . A b l a n k m i n d m e a n s y o u are s t u pid and d u m b . Besides, if y o u were to stop completely, y o u m i g h t n e v e r g e t s t a r t e d a g a i n . . . .You w i l l w a n d e r a r o u n d like a n i d i o t a n d be taken advantage of a n d h u m i l i a t e d by e v e r y o n e . . . .Vigilance is r e q u i r e d a t all t i m e s . Y o u c a n n o t afford t o really r e l a x y o u r g u a r d ever. . . . P e a c e is an i l l u s i o n — a n d a d a n g e r o u s o n e . " T h e j u d g e gets m u c h o f its p o w e r f r o m y o u r early e x p e r i e n c e s of being expected to think and produce words. It is not u n c o m m o n for a c h i l d t o h a v e a n e m p t y m i n d w h e n h e i s a b s o r b e d i n p l a y i n g a n d i n t e r a c t i n g w i t h his w o r l d . B u t t o o o f t e n y o u r awareness o f h a v i n g n o t h o u g h t s c a m e a t v e r y u n p l e a s a n t t i m e s , s u c h a s w h e n you w e r e e x p e c t e d t o answer a n adult's q u e s t i o n , o r you n e e d e d t o r e m e m b e r s o m e t h i n g i m p o r t a n t , o r y o u w e r e s o scared o r u p s e t y o u c o u l d n ' t talk. I n t h o s e s i t u a t i o n s , y o u m a y h a v e b e e n l o o k e d a t d i s a p p r o v i n g l y , a c c u s e d o f h i d i n g s o m e t h i n g , b l a m e d for n o t l e a r n i n g , o r r e p r i m a n d e d for b e i n g d i s r e s p e c t f u l o f e l d e r s . S e l d o m w o u l d anyone recognize or appreciate the experience of an e m p t y m i n d w i t h n o a n s w e r s t o w h a t s e e m e d like i r r e l e v a n t q u e s tions. A blank m i n d thus b e c a m e associated w i t h b e i n g stupid, feeli n g lost a n d a l o n e , o r e x p e r i e n c i n g fear a n d h u m i l i a t i o n . S o a s a n adult, the m o m e n t w h e n y o u r t h o u g h t s stop b e c o m e s a dreaded e x p e r i e n c e . I t i s a t least e m b a r r a s s i n g a n d a t w o r s t p o t e n t i a l l y d a m a g i n g i f i t h a p p e n s i n s i t u a t i o n s i n w h i c h y o u are e x p e c t e d t o p r o d u c e . B e c a u s e o f this, i t i s easy for t h e j u d g e t o k e e p y o u a w a y f r o m such

moments

of no-thought. T h e

consequence

is

that

your

Sue finished eating and w e n t inside to see w h a t was on TV. She wasn't sure if she wanted to veg o u t in front of the tube, but she had a hard time imagining d o i n g anything else. N o w that she was relaxed and quiet, she felt the n e e d to be entertained. She h o p e d m a y b e Frank w o u l d j o i n h e r so she w o u l d feel less guilty. After finding that a m o v i e neither of t h e m h a d seen was a b o u t to start, she w e n t to find Frank. Standing in the doorway, she watched h i m sitting peacefully in the dark, finishing his beer. He looked as if he could stay there forever, and she began to get a little a n x i o u s . " What About Bob? is on TV soon. We never saw it. You wanna w a t c h it w i t h m e ? " " W a t c h T V ? What's that?" Frank was shifting gears. O " O h , c o m e o n , Sue, I can't believe y o u w o u l d even suggest s o m e t h i n g like that w h e n we have b e e n so real here. TV is so fake and passive; it's for those w h o can't tolerate real life." His voice felt like a knife c o m i n g o u t of the dark, and Sue felt stabbed by his judge's condescension. "You're o n e to talk about the T V ! You get so righteous w h e n it comes to what's 'real' and what's 'shit.' I feel like shit right n o w because of the way you l o o k d o w n on m e ; so shut u p ! " Sue could feel herself on the verge of tears b u t was d e t e r m i n e d to h o l d herself together. "Wait a minute," said F r a n k . " ! wasn't trying to attack you. O It just feels like you're trying to r u n away from s o m e t h i n g real here and lose yourself in the tube. W h a t else could it b e ? " T h e righteous t o n e in his voice was still there. Sue felt weak in the knees but c o m m i t t e d to n o t caving in. As she t o o k a breath, she began to feel s o m e of t h e i n n e r strength and heat she had felt in confronting h e r o w n j u d g e on the hike that afternoon. This time, she didn't yell. H e r voice was calm and controlled w h e n it c a m e o u t but carried a distinct sense of power: "It seems you think you are my j u d g e . Well, you're not. No o n e gave you the right to j u d g e m e , so shut u p ! " Silence. Sue felt very alone as she stood r o o t e d in h e r o w n truth. B e t w e e n her and Frank, a vast e m p t y space had o p e n e d up. She couldn't feel w h e r e he w as or w h a t he was thinking. B u t at that m o m e n t , she didn't care, and she began to feel a little sad. As she r e m e m b e r e d to breathe, Sue was able to relax inside and realize she was still here and the world hadn't e n d e d . She spoke into the dark before t u r n i n g to go back in, "I'll be in the living r o o m w a t c h i n g if you w a n t to j o i n me." T

22 AFTER

THE Is

JUDGMENT

GONE IT. it

Y o u h a v e NOW l o o KEF) i n d e t a i l a t t h e j u d g m e n t p r o c e s s : h o w y o u feel a t t a c k e d b y t h e j u d g e , h o w y o u b e t r a y y o u r s e l f t h r o u g h e n g a g i n g t h e a t t a c k s , a n d h o w y o u c a n actively d e f e n d y o u r s e l f a g a i n s t t h o s e a t t a c k s . Y o u r g o a l t h r o u g h o u t has b e e n d i s e n g a g e m e n t — t h e experience of stepping out of the j u d g m e n t loop altogether. This is a n a t u r a l m o v e m e n t t h a t results f r o m d i s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n w i t h t h e i n n e r experience of j u d g m e n t — n o longer identifying yourself with the particular self-image that h o o k s you into the attack. W e s p o k e i n t h e last c h a p t e r o f t h e i n t e r n a l shift t h a t o c c u r s w i t h d i s e n g a g e m e n t , b u t w e h a v e n ' t c o n s i d e r e d all t h e i m p l i c a t i o n s o f t h e shift. G e n e r a l l y , t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f t h e shift i s p l e a s u r a b l e b e c a u s e i t b r i n g s a release f r o m t h e l i m i t i n g s e l f - i m a g e — a s i f y o u w e r e finally t a k i n g off a t i g h t suit y o u h a d b e e n w e a r i n g all day. T h i s release is often a c c o m p a n i e d by a sense of s p a c i o u s n e s s , e n e r g y , or i n n e r q u i e t . H o w e v e r , o t h e r , m o r e u n s e t t l i n g aspects o f t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t arise a s y o u p r a c t i c e d e f e n d i n g yourself. I n particular, disengaging brings t h e e x p e r i e n c e of feeling alone.

Separation

and

Aloneness

To disengage actually m e a n s to create a sense of separation.We have b e e n talking a b o u t the j u d g m e n t loop as an internal d y n a m i c focused on maintaining an inner relationship w i t h the other (judge,

264

SOUL WITHOUT

SHAME

a d u l t , p a r e n t ) . S o t o b r e a k o u t o f t h e l o o p m e a n s first a n d f o r e m o s t s t o p p i n g t h a t r e l a t i o n s h i p — n o t m o d i f y i n g i t o r c h a n g i n g its e m o t i o n a l t o n e b u t a c t u a l l y s t o p p i n g it. D i s e n g a g i n g s e p a r a t e s y o u f r o m the o t h e r and, m o r e i m p o r t a n t , from the e x p e r i e n c e of b e i n g in relationship. This can be dramatic and u n e x p e c t e d . W i t h no inner relat i o n s h i p , y o u are a l o n e . S u c h aloneness m a y be painful or frightening because y o u assoc i a t e i t w i t h i s o l a t i o n , a b a n d o n m e n t , h e l p l e s s n e s s , o r loss. T h e s e a r e t h e feelings y o u o r i g i n a l l y h a d a s a c h i l d w h e n y o u felt t h e loss o f r e l a t i o n s h i p t o y o u r p a r e n t s . I t w i l l b e u n c o m f o r t a b l e t o stay w i t h this a l o n e n e s s b e c a u s e i t m e a n s h a v i n g t o t o l e r a t e difficult f e e l i n g s . T h e t e n d e n c y i s t o d o s o m e t h i n g t o m a k e t h e feelings g o a w a y — a desire that has t h e s a m e m o t i v a t i o n as t h e o r i g i n a l i m p u l s e t o w a r d engagement. This u n d e r m i n e s the disengagement and draws y o u i n t o the l o o p again because e n g a g e m e n t seems preferable t o the a l o n e n e s s a n d its p a i n f u l a s s o c i a t i o n s . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , a l o n e n e s s c a n feel i n t i m a t e a n d q u i e t w i t h o u t feeling lonely. W i t h n o pressure o r d e m a n d s from a n y o n e , y o u can be at ease—fresh, o p e n , a n d spacious.Just y o u inside, b e i n g simp l e a n d u n c l u t t e r e d i n y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . Y o u a r e a w a r e o f yourself, a n d y o u a r e n o t c o n c e r n e d w i t h a n y o n e else. N o o n e i s i n y o u r p s y chic space. You are alone, so y o u can relax y o u r c o n s t a n t a t t e n t i o n and guardedness. It is a great relief finally n o t to have to w o r r y a b o u t w h a t a n y o n e else i s t h i n k i n g o r f e e l i n g a b o u t y o u — a b o u t w h a t y o u d o , h o w y o u b e h a v e , o r w h a t y o u feel. T h r o u g h o u t y o u r life, c o n s c i o u s l y o r u n c o n s c i o u s l y , this h a s b e e n a p r e d o m i n a n t c o n c e r n . You g r e w up learning to p u t a great deal of energy into tracking t h e j u d g e irf o t h e r s for signs o f d i s a p p r o v a l , r e j e c t i o n , d i s c o m f o r t , anxiety, o r d i s a p p o i n t m e n t . E v e n w h e n o t h e r s are n o t a r o u n d , t h e same process goes on internally w i t h y o u r o w n j u d g e . T h i s is y o u r f a m i l i a r reality. T h e i n n e r state o f a l o n e n e s s is, i n fact, s o u n f a m i l i a r t h a t , i n g e n eral, p e o p l e f i n d i t u n c o m f o r t a b l e t o stay w i t h . T o h a v e t h e f e e l i n g o f n o i n n e r dialogue and n o internal sense o f e x p e c t i n g o r seeking a n o t h e r ' s r e s p o n s e m a y feel l i k e t o o m u c h f r e e d o m , t o o m u c h q u i e t , t o o m a n y p o s s i b i l i t i e s . R e a l a l o n e n e s s like this i s c l o s e l y r e l a t e d t o

After

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265

i n n e r s p a c i o u s n e s s a n d essential p e a c e . I n r e a c t i o n , j u d g m e n t s s u c h a s " W h a t a b o u t y o u r m o t h e r o r y o u r lover? D o n ' t y o u care a b o u t w h a t t h e y t h i n k ? " o r " N o w w h a t are y o u g o i n g t o d o w i t h n o o n e a r o u n d t o h e l p y o u ? " m a y arise. T h e s e effectively e n d t h e s o l i t u d e through the reappearance of the judge. To maintain the aloneness thus requires repeated disengaging.

Aloneness

with

Another

W e h a v e b e e n s p e a k i n g o f t h e i n t e r n a l a l o n e n e s s t h a t arises w h e n t h e j u d g m e n t process is o n l y in relation to yourself. H o w e v e r , if y o u are i n t e r a c t i n g w i t h s o m e o n e w h e n y o u feel a t t a c k e d (especially i f y o u feel a t t a c k e d b y t h a t p e r s o n ) , u p o n d i s e n g a g i n g , i t w i l l feel a s t h o u g h you were separating from that p e r s o n — p e r h a p s even e n d i n g t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p . Y e s , y o u w a n t e d i t t o e n d i n its l i m i t i n g , j u d g m e n t a l f o r m , b u t y o u m a y n o t h a v e a n t i c i p a t e d w h a t i t w o u l d feel like i f t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t w e r e successful. If the j u d g m e n t a l behavior of the other person is an unusual o c c u r r e n c e a n d y o u are successfully c o n f r o n t i n g i t t h r o u g h d e f e n d i n g yourself, t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t will s e p a r a t e y o u f r o m t h a t specific attack w i t h o u t d a m a g i n g the o n g o i n g relationship w i t h that pers o n . D e f e n d i n g y o u r s e l f i n this case w i l l t e n d t o c l e a r t h e air a n d a l l o w t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p t o r e t u r n t o a m o r e f a m i l i a r ease a n d o p e n ness. H o w e v e r , w h e n y o u d i s e n g a g e f r o m a l o n g - t e r m p a t t e r n i n a r e l a t i o n s h i p , y o u are s e p a r a t i n g f r o m t h e o n g o i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p a s i t has b e e n d e f i n e d . I f y o u are successful i n d e f e n d i n g , y o u h a v e s t e p p e d o u t o f t h e a s s u m p t i o n s t h a t h a v e d e f i n e d h o w y o u a n d this p e r s o n relate. S u d d e n l y y o u are t h e r e a n d t h e o t h e r p e r s o n i s t h e r e , but the relationship is no longer there: there is n o t h i n g in b e t w e e n . N o conversation, n o w o r d s , n o i m a g e s — a s i f a n e m p t y space s u d denly appeared b e t w e e n you. R e m a r k a b l y , y o u are n o w s i m p l y p r e s e n t w i t h a n o t h e r h u m a n b e i n g w i t h n o i m a g e s c l o u d i n g t h e air, n o f a m i l i a r p a t t e r n s o f e n g a g e m e n t i n t e r f e r i n g w i t h d i r e c t a n d i m m e d i a t e c o n t a c t w i t h this o t h e r b e i n g . T h i s m a y b e a m o m e n t o f d e l i g h t a n d freshness, e n j o y m e n t and relaxation. Or it may be an acute e n c o u n t e r with the u n k n o w n . W h o i s this p e r s o n w h e n y o u d o n ' t have a relationship

266

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w i t h h i m o r h e r ? W h o are y o u w h e n y o u d o n ' t k n o w w h a t y o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p i s b a s e d o n ? A t this m o m e n t o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t , t h e o p p o r t u n i t y exists for c o n t a c t w i t h o u t r e l a t i o n s h i p , n o t u n l i k e w h a t y o u feel w h e n f i r s t m e e t i n g s o m e o n e . I f y o u h a v e a h i s t o r y w i t h this p e r s o n , t h e c h a l l e n g e i s t o relate w i t h o u t r e t u r n i n g t o a n d g e t t i n g lost i n t h e " r e l a t i o n s h i p . " I s i t p o s s i b l e s i m p l y t o b e p r e s e n t , o p e n , a n d in t o u c h w i t h t h e reality of each m o m e n t ?

Reengaging S t a y i n g w i t h a c o n n e c t i o n t h a t i s this i m m e d i a t e a n d u n d e f i n e d i s o f t e n i n t o l e r a b l e e i t h e r for t h e o t h e r p e r s o n ( w h o m a y t a k e t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t a s r e j e c t i o n ) o r for y o u . I t i s n o t easy t o h a v e e m p t y space in a relationship, especially if it was n o t m u t u a l l y desired. T h e f i r s t r e a c t i o n after d e f e n d i n g y o u r s e l f i s m o s t o f t e n a d e s i r e t o f i l l u p t h e space, t o " r e p a i r " the gap that j u s t o p e n e d u p b e t w e e n the t w o of y o u . T h i s usually manifests as w a n t i n g to back d o w n from t h e disengagement you just achieved in order to " r e c o n n e c t " — i n other words, to reengage. This can h a p p e n even before y o u stop talking, by adding a rationalization or counterattack at the end. For e x a m p l e : " ! d o n ' t l i k e i t w h e n y o u say t h a t t o m e . S t o p it! . . . B u t I d o n ' t w a n t y o u to take it personally: I ' m k i n d of upset t o d a y . " T h e trailer after s a y i n g , " S t o p i t ! " i s a r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n t h a t r e e n g a g e s y o u w i t h t h e attacker. O r , " Y o u have m a d e s o m e g o o d points a b o u t t h e way I do t h i n g s . . . b u t y o u always act so s e l f - r i g h t e o u s I d o n ' t k n o w w h y I should take y o u seriously."This t i m e , the use of a g r e e m e n t as a m e t h o d of d i s e n g a g i n g is f o l l o w e d by a c o u n t e r a t t a c k for a s u c cessful r e e n g a g e m e n t ! B e c a u s e d e f e n d i n g i s difficult t o e x e c u t e a n d d i s e n g a g e m e n t i s h a r d t o m a i n t a i n , r e e n g a g i n g i s c o m m o n initially a n d n o t t o b e c o n s i d e r e d a s i g n of failure. It is m e r e l y a stage in l e a r n i n g . A g a i n , t h e task i s t o r e c o g n i z e w h a t y o u are d o i n g a n d h a v e c o m p a s s i o n for y o u r o w n process. E v e n w i t h o u t verbal r e e n g a g e m e n t , y o u m a y b e r e e n g a g i n g internally to avoid feeling the separation caused by t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t . N o t i c e t h a t . I f y o u f i n d y o u r s e l f still t h i n k i n g a b o u t an interaction you disengaged f r o m — h o w you could have d o n e it d i f f e r e n t l y o r b e t t e r , h o w w e l l y o u d i d , h o w y o u c a n ' t tell i f i t

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w o r k e d , h o w y o u still feel a n g r y , a n d s o o n — t h e l i k e l i h o o d i s t h a t y o u have r e e n g a g e d . R e c o g n i z i n g that, y o u have t h e possibility of s t o p p i n g the r e e n g a g e m e n t activity and e x p e r i e n c i n g t h e space, t h e discomfort, or the aloneness you were avoiding.

Self-Evaluation Y o u m a y b e w o n d e r i n g h o w y o u c a n assess y o u r p r o g r e s s without r e e n g a g i n g : w h e n y o u w a n t t o k n o w h o w y o u h a v e d o n e , it's easy t o fall b a c k i n t o t h e o l d b e l i e f t h a t t h e j u d g e i s b e s t e q u i p p e d t o assess y o u . W h a t o t h e r i n n e r r e s o u r c e s d o y o u h a v e t o t u r n t o for a c c u r a t e f e e d b a c k ? A n s w e r i n g this q u e s t i o n r e q u i r e s d i s t i n g u i s h i n g self-evaluation from self-judgment. Let's l o o k a t s e l f - j u d g m e n t . H o w d o y o u e n d u p f e e l i n g w h e n y o u c o n s u l t w i t h t h e j u d g e ? Y o u e i t h e r feel g o o d a b o u t y o u r s e l f o r b a d a b o u t yourself. I n s t e a d o f a s k i n g t h e j u d g e its o p i n i o n , a m o r e helpful q u e s t i o n t o ask y o u r s e l f is: " D o I feel m o r e o p e n t o t h e t r u t h of my situation?" R e m e m b e r , a j u d g m e n t is a statement of evaluat i o n t h a t i m p l i e s a n a s s e s s m e n t o f y o u r v a l u e o r w o r t h a n d i s felt a s a r e j e c t i o n o f y o u r p r e s e n t state. W h a t else c a n y o u g e t f r o m t h e j u d g e except m o r e judgment? W h a t y o u are l o o k i n g for i s h e l p i n k n o w i n g w h e t h e r t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t w o r k e d a n d h o w i t c o u l d w o r k b e t t e r , n o t a n assessm e n t o f y o u r w o r t h o r v a l u e . T h i s m e a n s k e e p i n g t h e sense o f y o u r personal value separate from t h e evaluation of y o u r functioning. T h i s t h e j u d g e c a n n o t d o b e c a u s e i t b e l i e v e s t h a t y o u r v a l u e i s always conditional. F u r t h e r m o r e , it is not interested in the truth. T o e v a l u a t e y o u r p r o g r e s s objectively, y o u m u s t w e a n y o u r s e l f from the j u d g e by learning to draw on y o u r o w n direct experience. W h a t d i d y o u feel after d i s e n g a g i n g ? H o w d i d t h a t feel i n r e l a t i o n t o h o w y o u felt b e f o r e ? D i d t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t w o r k for y o u ? T o a n s w e r t h e s e q u e s t i o n s w i t h o u t a c t i v a t i n g s e l f - j u d g m e n t i s n o t easy. For instance, o n e of the most c o m m o n responses to such questions is "I d o n ' t k n o w . " T h i s is a p e r f e c t l y a p p r o p r i a t e r e s p o n s e . If y o u h a v e b e e n d e p e n d i n g o n y o u r j u d g e t o evaluate y o u r p e r f o r m a n c e , y o u r feelings, a n d y o u r l e a r n i n g , t o w e a n y o u r s e l f w i l l r e q u i r e t o l e r a t i n g t h e u n k n o w n . Y o u w i l l n e e d t o g r a d u a l l y l e a r n t o rely o n a s o u r c e

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y o u h a v e h a d difficulty t r u s t i n g — y o u r ability t o d i s c e r n t r u t h i n your own uncensored experience. T h e r e is n o t h i n g w r o n g w i t h n o t k n o w i n g . It is necessary to 7

allow n o t k n o w i n g s o a t r u e l e t t i n g g o o f t h e j u d g e c a n o c c u r . T o reject y o u r e x p e r i e n c e o f " I d o n ' t k n o w " will o n l y send y o u b a c k to the judge.This m o v e m e n t of rejecting uncertainty and n o t k n o w i n g is o f t e n e x p e r i e n c e d as s e l f - d o u b t . Be careful; this is o f t e n a n o t h e r f o r m of r e e n g a g e m e n t . Y o u m u s t learn to trust that y o u can hang out with not k n o w i n g long e n o u g h to begin to recognize the elements of your o w n experience. This b e c o m e s your personal s o u r c e for d e t e r m i n i n g w h e r e t h e t r u t h lies a n d d i s c o v e r i n g for yourself w h a t works and w h a t doesn't.

Not

Knowing Yourself

H a v i n g e x a m i n e d t h e aspects o f a l o n e n e s s a n d n o t k n o w i n g , w e r e t u r n t o t h e fact t h a t t r u e d i s e n g a g e m e n t m e a n s s e p a r a t i o n . I n i tially, y o u e x p e r i e n c e this a s s e p a r a t i o n from a n o t h e r i f t h a t p e r s o n w a s e x p e r i e n c e d as t h e a t t a c k e r ( a n d often this w i l l be a c l o s e f r i e n d or intimate from w h o m you do n o t w a n t to be separated). E v e n t u ally, y o u realize t h a t t h e s e p a r a t i o n is, i n tact, f r o m y o u r j u d g e , w h i c h y o u h a v e p r o j e c t e d o n t o t h e o t h e r p e r s o n , a n d f r o m y o u r o w n selfimage. In o t h e r words, it is separation from w h o you have taken y o u r s e l f t o b e . E i t h e r way, i t c a n b e scary a n d u n c o m f o r t a b l e . W h a t i s i t like t o let g o o f y o u r s e l f - i m a g e o f b e i n g a helpless o r d e f i c i e n t child? O r t o let g o o f y o u r sense o f b e i n g i n c o n t r o l a n d k n o w i n g w h a t ' s g o i n g t o h a p p e n ? I t y o u let g o o f y o u r idea o f w h o y o u are, w h o are y o u ? A n d w h o i s t h e p e r s o n y o u are w i t h , i f n o t t h e j u d g i n g o r critical a d u l t y o u are s e e k i n g t o please a n d h a v e like y o u ? H o w will y o u relate i f y o u are n o t d e p e n d i n g o n c e r t a i n ideas a n d i m a g e s o f w h a t i s t a k i n g p l a c e ? All o f t h e s e q u e s t i o n s are i m p o r t a n t , and y o u must answer t h e m from the truth of y o u r o w n experience.

In

Session

M e g h a n w a s f e e l i n g a s t r o n g c o n t r a c t i o n i n h e r solar p l e x u s t h a t b l o c k e d h e r ability t o t a k e a d e e p b r e a t h a n d g r o u n d herself. S h e

Ajter

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k e p t f o r c i n g a large i n h a l a t i o n a n d s h i f t i n g h e r p o s i t i o n i n a n effort to m a k e h e r u p p e r belly r e l a x . W h e n 1 asked h e r w h y she was s t r u g g l i n g , s h e r e a l i z e d s h e d i d n ' t like t h e c o n t r a c t i o n , a n d h e r j u d g e t o l d her it m e a n t there was s o m e t h i n g w r o n g w i t h her: "You're cutting y o u r s e l f oft, a n d y o u m u s t b e t r y i n g t o h i d e s o m e t h i n g . Y o u s h o u l d b e a s h a m e d . " M e g h a n r e a l i z e d s h e was f e e l i n g a s h a m e d , a n d t h a t w a s w h y she was t r y i n g to force the relaxation. It didn't w o r k . I e n c o u r a g e d her simply to allow the contraction and go with it, b r e a t h i n g as s h a l l o w l y as h e r b o d y s e e m e d to w a n t t o . ( T h i s is a physical variant of the e x a g g e r a t i o n d i s e n g a g e m e n t , in w h i c h y o u claim as valuable a quality the j u d g e considers negative and wants y o u t o reject.) A s s h e d i d so, s h e felt a s i f s h e w a n t e d t o s t o p b r e a t h i n g , t o s q u e e z e h e r s e l f i n t o a v e r y small s p a c e a n d d i s a p p e a r . S h e felt like a y o u n g c h i l d i n p a i n . T h e c o n t r a c t i o n s p r e a d t o h e r a r m s a n d legs a n d was v e r y u n c o m f o r t a b l e . H o w e v e r , after a f e w m i n u t e s , s h e felt h e r w h o l e b o d y b e g i n n i n g t o r e l a x a s i f m e l t i n g . T h e r e w a s n o effort i n v o l v e d this t i m e s i n c e t h e b o d y itself was r e a d y t o release. M e g h a n b e g a n t o feel q u i t e s e t t l e d i n h e r s e l f a n d after several m i n l

u t e s s a i d , ' I feel like n o t t a l k i n g a t all." I e n c o u r a g e d h e r t o g o w i t h that feeling. A s t i m e p a s s e d , s h e b e c a m e q u i t e visually f o c u s e d o n

me,

t h o u g h s h e k e p t l o o k i n g away. S h e s e e m e d uneasy. A t o n e p o i n t . M e g h a n c l o s e d h e r eyes b u t s o o n o p e n e d t h e m again a s i f t o see w h a t w a s h a p p e n i n g w i t h m e . W h e n I asked h e r w h a t h e r e x p e r i e n c e w a s , she said s h e w a s f i n d i n g h e r s e l f p r e o c c u p i e d w i t h visual contact, even t h o u g h it wasn't comfortable to look directly at m e . A s w e e x p l o r e d t h e s i t u a t i o n m o r e , i t b e c a m e clear t h a t after d i s e n g a g i n g from h e r s e l f - j u d g m e n t , a l l o w i n g t h e c o n t r a c t i o n t o release itself, a n d t h e n f e e l i n g t h e s i l e n c e o f h e r o w n p r e s e n c e , M e g h a n felt t h e l a c k o f familiar s e l f - i m a g e / j u d g e r e l a t i o n s h i p s i n s i d e . U n c o n sciously, s h e p r o j e c t e d this s e n s e o f s e p a r a t e n e s s o n o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p and became concerned about having no connection with me.This m e a n t t h a t i t w a s t o o u n c o m f o r t a b l e t o stay w i t h h e r o w n e x p e r i e n c e of presence a n d silence because it s e e m e d to threaten o u r c o n n e c t i o n — h e n c e , h e r d e s i r e t o m a k e eye c o n t a c t . A s s h e r e c o g n i z e d this, M e g h a n w a s able t o settle i n t o h e r o w n stillness o n c e m o r e a n d t r u s t t h a t w e w e r e still i n c o n t a c t .

270

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R e m e m b e r , w h e n you a c k n o w l e d g e the t r u t h that underlies the e n g a g e m e n t b e i n g acted o u t — t h a t y o u are n o t a child a n d t h e o t h e r is n o t y o u r j u d g e — y o u allow contact w i t h yourself m i n u s those images a n d ideas. O n l y t h r o u g h s u c h c o n t a c t is it possible to disc o v e r y o u r t r u e k n o w i n g o f w h o y o u are. A t t h e s a m e t i m e , y o u o p e n u p t h e p o s s i b i l i t y o f a u t h e n t i c c o n t a c t w i t h ( a n d for) t h e o t h e r person. T h e other person m i g h t or m i g h t not j o i n you in that m o r e truthful place.

Opening to the Truth D i s e n g a g i n g f r o m s e l f - j u d g m e n t i s d o n e specifically s o t h a t y o u c a n be in a place of greater self-truth. H a v i n g d e f e n d e d against y o u r j u d g e , y o u h a v e t h e s p a c e a n d safety t o b e p r e s e n t w i t h y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , free of rejection, prejudice, or blame.This may m e a n being w i t h either the c o n t e n t that was e m b e d d e d in the attack or an e x p e r i e n c e the attack w a s k e e p i n g y o u a w a y f r o m . F o r i n s t a n c e , i n t h e f i r s t case, i f y o u h a v e a t t a c k e d y o u r s e l f for h u r t i n g s o m e o n e , d e f e n d i n g a g a i n s t t h e a t t a c k will allow y o u to consider y o u r hurtful actions in a m o r e o p e n , c o m p a s s i o n a t e way. S u c h safety i s n e c e s s a r y t o e x p l o r e t h e t r u t h o f w h y y o u a c t e d t h e w a y y o u d i d , w h i c h leads t o u n d e r s t a n d i n g r a t h e r t h a n g u i l t . I n a n e x a m p l e o f t h e s e c o n d s i t u a t i o n , d i s e n g a g i n g f r o m a selfattack a b o u t n o t p l a n n i n g an o u t i n g perfectly m a y lead to an unfam i l i a r f e e l i n g o f j o y a n d e n t h u s i a s m a b o u t t h e e x p e r i e n c e y o u are e m b a r k i n g o n . T h i s reveals t h a t t h e a t t a c k a r o s e t o k e e p y o u f r o m f e e l i n g s u c h e x p a n s i o n . E i t h e r way, d i s e n g a g i n g c a n b r i n g m o r e c o n tact w i t h t h e t r u t h a n d g r e a t e r s e l f - u n d e r s t a n d i n g . D i s e n g a g e m e n t i s n o t a k n i f e for c u t t i n g t h e j u d g e o u t o f y o u r life, t h o u g h t h e i m p a c t o f t h e j u d g e o n y o u w i l l l i k e l y d i m i n i s h . I t i s n o t a m e t h o d o f c h a n g i n g t h e w a y o t h e r s t r e a t y o u , t h o u g h this c o u l d be a b y - p r o d u c t . It is a process of r e c o g n i z i n g t h e t r u t h of w h a t i s o c c u r r i n g i n s i d e y o u a s y o u g o a b o u t y o u r life.You feel p a i n a n d d i s c o n n e c t i o n from y o u r s e l f because y o u have identified w i t h ideas o f w h o y o u are, c o n s t r u c t s b a s e d o n past e x p e r i e n c e s , a n d selfi m a g e s t h a t l i m i t y o u r a b i l i t y t o b e p r e s e n t a n d act f r o m y o u r full h u m a n i t y . T o see a n d e x p e r i e n c e t h i s , a n d t h e n a c t f r o m y o u r d e e p e r h u m a n i t y , is to disidentify from those images a n d disengage from

After

the Judgment

Is

Gone

271

t h e s e l f - d e c e p t i o n a n d s u f f e r i n g t h e y c a u s e . D i s e n g a g e m e n t i s a vital e l e m e n t i n f r e e i n g y o u for t h e a d v e n t u r e o f d i s c o v e r i n g t h e t r u t h o f w h o y o u are.

POINTS TO REMEMBER •

T h e release t h a t o c c u r s after d i s e n g a g e m e n t i s o f t e n a c c o m p a n i e d b y a sense o f s p a c i o u s n e s s , e n e r g y , o r i n n e r q u i e t . H o w e v e r , o t h e r , m o r e u n s e t t l i n g aspects o f t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f d i s e n g a g e m e n t arise a s y o u p r a c t i c e d e f e n d i n g yourself. I n p a r t i c u l a r , d i s e n g a g i n g brings the e x p e r i e n c e of feeling alone.

•

S u c h a l o n e n e s s m a y b e painful o r f r i g h t e n i n g b e c a u s e y o u a s s o c i a t e i t w i t h i s o l a t i o n , a b a n d o n m e n t , h e l p l e s s n e s s , o r loss. T h e s e are t h e feelings y o u o r i g i n a l l y h a d a s a c h i l d w h e n y o u felt t h e loss o f r e l a t i o n s h i p t o y o u r p a r e n t s .

•

T h e t e n d e n c y i s t o d o s o m e t h i n g t o m a k e t h e feelings g o away. This u n d e r m i n e s the disengagement and draws you into the loop again because e n g a g e m e n t seems preferable to the aloneness a n d its painful a s s o c i a t i o n s .

•

If the j u d g m e n t a l behavior of the o t h e r person is an unusual occurrence

and

you

are

successfully

confronting

it

through

d e f e n d i n g yourself, t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t will s e p a r a t e y o u o n l y f r o m t h a t specific a t t a c k w i t h o u t d a m a g i n g t h e o n g o i n g r e l a tionship with that person. However, w h e n you disengage from a l o n g - t e r m p a t t e r n i n a r e l a t i o n s h i p , y o u are s e p a r a t i n g f r o m t h e o n g o i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p a s i t has b e e n d e f i n e d . •

T h e first r e a c t i o n after d e f e n d i n g y o u r s e l f is m o s t o f t e n a d e s i r e 1

to fill up t h e space, to "repair ' t h e gap that j u s t o p e n e d up b e t w e e n the t w o of y o u . T h i s usually manifests as w a n t i n g to back d o w n f r o m t h e d i s e n g a g e m e n t y o u just a c h i e v e d i n o r d e r t o " r e c o n n e c t " — i n other words, to reengage. •

B e c a u s e d e f e n d i n g is difficult to e x e c u t e a n d d i s e n g a g e m e n t is h a r d t o m a i n t a i n , r e e n g a g i n g i s c o m m o n initially a n d n o t t o b e c o n s i d e r e d a sign of failure. It is m e r e l y a stage in l e a r n i n g . A g a i n , t h e task i s t o r e c o g n i z e w h a t y o u are d o i n g a n d h a v e c o m p a s s i o n for y o u r o w n p r o c e s s .

272 •

Soui. W I T H O U T S H A M E

To evaluate y o u r progress objectively, y o u m u s t w e a n yourself from the j u d g e . T h i s m e a n s k e e p i n g the sense o f y o u r personal value separate from the evaluation of y o u r functioning.

•

W e a n i n g y o u r s e l f f r o m t h e j u d g e w i l l also r e q u i r e t o l e r a t i n g t h e u n k n o w n . Y o u will n e e d t o gradually learn t o rely o n y o u r ability t o d i s c e r n t r u t h i n y o u r o w n u n c e n s o r e d e x p e r i e n c e .

•

To reject y o u r e x p e r i e n c e of "I d o n ' t k n o w " will o n l y send y o u back to the judge. This m o v e m e n t of rejecting uncertainty and n o t k n o w i n g i s o f t e n e x p e r i e n c e d a s s e l f - d o u b t . B e careful; this is often a n o t h e r f o r m of r e e n g a g e m e n t .

•

T r u e d i s e n g a g e m e n t m e a n s s e p a r a t i o n . Initially, y o u e x p e r i e n c e this as s e p a r a t i o n f r o m a n o t h e r if t h a t p e r s o n w a s e x p e r i e n c e d as t h e a t t a c k e r . E v e n t u a l l y , y o u r e a l i z e t h a t t h e s e p a r a t i o n is, i n fact, from y o u r j u d g e , w h i c h you have projected o n t o t h e o t h e r p e r son, and from y o u r o w n self-image. In o t h e r words, it is separation from w h o you have taken yourself to be.

•

W h e n you a c k n o w l e d g e the truth that underlies the e n g a g e m e n t b e i n g acted o u t — t h a t y o u are n o t a child a n d t h e o t h e r is n o t your j u d g e — y o u

allow

contact

with

yourself w i t h o u t

those

images and ideas. O n l y t h r o u g h such c o n t a c t is it possible to disc o v e r y o u r t r u e k n o w i n g o f w h o y o u are.

EXERCISE: EXPLORING INTERNAL SEPARATION S o m e t i m e w h e n y o u are h a n g i n g o u t w i t h a friend, w a t c h t h e i n t e r nal p r e s s u r e s y o u feel t o b e a c e r t a i n way. N o t i c e y o u r e x p e c t a t i o n s o f t h e o t h e r a n d o f y o u r s e l f D o y o u feel a n e e d t o r e s p o n d t o e v e r y t h i n g y o u r f r i e n d says? D o y o u feel i t s i m p o r t a n t t o s u p p o r t t h e o t h e r p e r s o n i n c e r t a i n ways? A r e y o u l o o k i n g for t h e o t h e r p e r s o n t o s u p p o r t y o u i n c e r t a i n ways? N o t i c e m o m e n t s o f f e e l i n g p r e s s u r e t o talk w h e n y o u w o u l d r a t h e r b e silent. T h e s e s u b t l e p r e s s u r e s , w h i c h w e a c c e p t a s a n e c e s s a r y p a r t o f a c c e p t a b l e social b e h a v i o r , are o f t e n m a i n t a i n e d b y s u b t l e a t t a c k s . F o r i n s t a n c e , y o u r j u d g e m a y a t t a c k y o u for b e i n g u n s u p p o r t i v e i f y o u r e m a i n silent w h e n y o u r friend makes a self-deprecating remark.

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273

A f t e r t h e t i m e t o g e t h e r i s over, t a k e a f e w m i n u t e s t o w r i t e d o w n specific m o m e n t s o f p r e s s u r e o r s e l f - a t t a c k t h a t k e p t y o u i n familiar yet i n a u t h e n t i c t e r r i t o r y i n t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p . W h a t p r e v e n t s you from separating from y o u r o w n internal standards a n d j u d g ments?

T h e wonderful peaeefulness was shattered, and familiar Frank was back, all tense and k n o t t e d up inside. O

You sure made a fool of yourself. Youd better go and apologize. Oh, shut up! Now, now. Just because you're upset, no need to take it out on me. You know,you are a pain in the neck.

He hated e n d i n g up in this place. It was uncomfortable as hell, and trying to think his way o u t got h i m n o w h e r e . Yes, I blew it. Well, why did you do that? 1 don't know. 1 was feeling so real and easy, and then—pow—I'm right back in this goddamn ego stuff! You're pretty touchy, aren't you? Was she your mother or something? Oh,fuck you. f don't want to talk about it. Frank tried to breathe deeper, b u t all he could feel was tension. N o t h i n g to do but let himself be tense and stew in his o w n juices. He did realize that trying to get or be s o m e w h e r e else wasn't w o r k i n g . T h e tension felt like a refusal to be b u d g e d : " N o . Y o u can't move m e . I w o n ' t go." Just allowing that realization to c o m e o u t immediately softened him. W i t h the softening came the feeling of being a small boy. He could sense there had been fear in the t e n s i o n . T h e boy had b e e n scared W i t h o u t having to think, Frank could sense that the fear was in reaction to Sue's anger and perhaps even to his o w n attack of her. O Well, her anger was justified, and you deserved it. Yes, but so what? I'm more interested in what is going on with my little boy. T h e child sense in him was less constricted n o w b u t still seemed uneasy.The boy had feelings but seemed reluctant or unable to talk. In fact, Frank had a distinct sense that he didn't k n o w h o w to say what he wanted. That sure feels familiar. 1 just never recognized that the feeling came from such a young place in me. As he c o n t i n u e d to sit and listen, a n e w feeling arose: the child w a n t e d to go to Sue and be held. As he felt that, it was suddenly crystal clear w h y he had attacked her. He was u n c o m fortable w i t h this childish n e e d for c o n t a c t — h i s o w n n e e d i n e s s — s o his j u d g e had taken over to make sure it didn't h a p p e n .

23 TRUTH

T R U T H HAS BEEN R E F E R R E D t o o f t e n i n this b o o k . W h a t d o I m e a n w h e n I use this w o r d ? True, w h e n u s e d i n c o n t r a s t t o f a l s e , i n d i c a t e s t h a t a s t a t e m e n t c o r r e s p o n d s w i t h s o m e v e r i f i a b l e fact o r reality. T o tell t h e t r u t h m e a n s t o s p e a k i n a c c o r d a n c e w i t h w h a t y o u k n o w o r b e l i e v e t o b e real a n d c o r r e c t . I n this b o o k , t r u t h i s t h e r e f l e c t i o n o f a d i r e c t a w a r e n e s s of y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e : specifically, t r u t h is a k n o w i n g b a s e d o n i m m e d i a t e c o n t a c t w i t h reality t h r o u g h y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . I f s o m e o n e asks m e h o w I ' m d o i n g a n d I say, " O K , ' ' v e r y little t r u t h is in this s t a t e m e n t b e c a u s e I h a v e said it to c o m p l e t e a social ritual. H o w e v e r , it I w e r e to c o n n e c t w i t h w h a t I am actually f e e l i n g i n t h e m o m e n t , I m i g h t say " I d o n ' t k n o w " o r " S a d a n d lost." T h e s e r e s p o n s e s w o u l d b e m o r e likely t o i n t r o d u c e s o m e level o f t r u t h i n t o t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n . F r o m this p e r s p e c t i v e , social c o m m u n i cation is often n o t a b o u t t r u t h telling. T r u t h as discussed in these chapters is t h e direct r e c o g n i t i o n of realness i n t h e p r e s e n t m o m e n t r a t h e r t h a n t h e i d e n t i f i c a t i o n o f p h y s i c a l , verifiable facts. T h e m o r e y o u a r e a t t u n e d t o t h e t r u t h i n y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , t h e m o r e y o u are i n t o u c h w i t h a n d g r o u n d e d i n reality. H o w d o y o u k n o w w h a t i s t r u e i n y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e ? After all, t h e r e are m a n y d i f f e r e n t w a y s t o l o o k a t w h a t y o u a r e e x p e r i e n c i n g a t any g i v e n t i m e . Y o u c o u l d l o o k a t t h e p h y s i c a l d e t a i l s o f y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , y o u r m o t i v a t i o n a n d p u r p o s e for w h a t y o u d i d , t h e s t o r y i n y o u r m i n d a b o u t w h a t o c c u r r e d , h o w y o u felt a b o u t w h a t h a p p e n e d , and w h a t y o u believe the e x p e r i e n c e means, to n a m e a

276

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few. W h i c h o f t h e s e e x p r e s s t h e t r u t h ? S u p p o s e y o u h a v e a m a j o r rrnscomnumi cation with your partner. T h e t w o of you m i g h t spend a n h o u r a r g u i n g a b o u t w h o said w h a t a n d i n w h a t o r d e r , a n d miss c o m p l e t e l y t h e t r u t h o f h o w y o u felt a f t e r w a r d . P e r h a p s t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t t r u t h was w h a t you each believed the m i s c o m m u n i c a t i o n signified a b o u t y o u r s e l v e s a n d t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p . E i t h e r way, t h e truth of the event is not in the exact order of w h a t occurred, t h o u g h t h a t m a y h e l p reveal h o w t h e m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g t o o k p l a c e . M a n y people, philosophers included, w o u l d argue that there is n o single t r u t h a b o u t e x p e r i e n c e , o n l y a m u l t i t u d e o f perspectives, e a c h w i t h its o w n t r u t h . F u r t h e r m o r e , t h e y w o u l d say t h a t i t i s impossible

to

d e t e r m i n e if o n e p e r s p e c t i v e has u l t i m a t e t r u t h ,

b e c a u s e e a c h h a s its o w n i n h e r e n t l o g i c . C e r t a i n l y , m u c h o f y o u r i n n e r d i a l o g u e involves

e x p o u n d i n g o n different p o i n t s

of view

a b o u t w h a t i s really t r u e i n a g i v e n s i t u a t i o n . H a v e y o u e v e r n o t i c e d that o f t e n j u s t w h e n y o u have settled o n o n e perspective a b o u t w h a t is true, a different voice will p o p up saying, " O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , m a y b e it's really like this . . . " o r " B u t a r e n ' t y o u f o r g e t t i n g s u c h a n d such?" At these times, vou may d o u b t the likelihood of finding o n e approach more true than another. T h e n o t i o n o f r e a l i t y p r e s e n t e d i n this b o o k i s b a s e d o n t h e a s s u m p t i o n t h a t reality c a n b e k n o w n , w h i c h m e a n s y o u h a v e t h e ability to k n o w w h a t is t r u e in y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . T r u t h is n o t s o m e t h i n g t o b e l i e v e ; i t i s a d i r e c t e x p e r i e n c e o f k n o w i n g t h a t " Y e s , this feels t r u e , feels a c c u r a t e , feels r i g h t " Y o u k n o w t r u t h t h r o u g h a felt s e n s e : a s e t t l e d n e s s , a s o l i d c e r t a i n t y , or p e r h a p s a s h i f t i n g or r e l e a s i n g i n s i d e y o u . Y o u r e l a x a little, y o u b r e a t h e d e e p e r o r feel clearer, e v e n i f y o u d o n ' t like t h e t r u t h y o u a r e e x p e r i e n c i n g . T h i s i s w h y y o u c a n a p p r e c i a t e s o m e o n e ' s t e l l i n g y o u h o w sad you look, even if y o u weren't feeling it consciously, because a t r u t h you w e r e avoiding is r e c o g m z e d . Y o u instinctively relax the w a y y o u w e r e h o l d i n g y o u r s e l f a n d m a y e v e n f i n d y o u r eyes full o f t e a r s . W h e n you e x p e r i e n c e s o m e t h i n g as true, it is as if s o m e t h i n g that w a s s t u c k i n s i d e i s r e l e a s e d a n d b e g i n s t o m o v e a g a i n . Y o u feel a n a t u r a l o p e n i n g t h a t a l l o w s y o u t o b e a little m o r e a t h o m e i n y o u r self. Y o u are, for t h e m o m e n t , n o l o n g e r p r e t e n d i n g o r h i d i n g o r avoiding; y o u are simply b e i n g w i t h w h a t is s o . T r u t h is therefore an

Truth

277

i n d i c a t i o n t h a t y o u are m o v i n g c l o s e r t o y o u r t r u e n a t u r e b y b e i n g m o r e i n c o n t a c t w i t h y o u r reality. A n y g i v e n t r u t h has n o m e a n i n g if it is n o t seen in that c o n t e x t .

Recognizing

Truth

You have w i t h i n you a capacity to recognize t r u t h . W h e n y o u c o n s i d e r several p o s s i b l e m o t i v a t i o n s for w h y y o u d i d s o m e t h i n g , y o u u s u a l l y k n o w w h i c h , i f any, o f t h e possibilities has m o r e t r u t h i n it. This is not a k n o w i n g through deduction or accumulation of inform a t i o n b u t a felt k n o w i n g , w h i c h y o u r e c o g n i z e t h r o u g h p a y i n g attention t o y o u r e x p e r i e n c e i n the m o m e n t . T h e m i n d can c o m e u p w i t h a n e n d l e s s series o f e x p l a n a t i o n s o r i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s o f y o u r e x p e r i e n c e , b u t i f y o u are o p e n t o y o u r i n n e r r e s p o n s e , y o u will k n o w w h i c h o n e b r i n g s y o u closest t o u n d e r s t a n d i n g w h a t i s t r u l y happening. T h i s t r u t h sense i s i n n a t e b u t n o t n e c e s s a r i l y r e c o g n i z e d o r developed. Often, you put m o r e stock in logic, the o p i n i o n of experts, or w h a t y o u read in b o o k s than y o u do in a nonverbal sense o f w h a t i s t r u e i n yourself. " W h o are y o u t o k n o w w h a t i s really t r u e ? Y o u ' r e n o t a n e x p e r t . . . . I f y o u guess, y o u m i g h t b e w r o n g . W h y n o t find s o m e o n e w h o really k n o w s t h e a n s w e r ? " says y o u r j u d g e . B u t t h e sense o f t r u t h I a m p o i n t i n g t o relates d i r e c t l y t o y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e . N o o n e else has b e t t e r access t o y o u r e x p e r i e n c e t h a n y o u — i f y o u are w i l l i n g t o b e d i r e c t l y i n t o u c h w i t h it. T h i s t r u t h s e n s e i s n o t n e c e s s a r i l y a n ability t o k n o w w h a t i s t r u e i n m a t ters u n r e l a t e d t o y o u p e r s o n a l l y . I t i s n o t c l a i r v o y a n c e o r s o m e p s y c h i c p o w e r . Its m a i n f u n c t i o n i s t o g u i d e y o u i n b e i n g m o r e real w i t h y o u r s e l f a n d m o r e i n t o u c h w i t h w h a t i s real i n y o u r life. T h i s sense o f t r u t h c a n c o n f l i c t w i t h social c o n s e n s u s o r w h a t y o u r p a r t n e r feels o r w h a t y o u r p a r e n t s b e l i e v e d o r e v e n w h a t y o u felt a n h o u r a g o . B e c a u s e o f this, p u r s u i n g y o u r t r u t h c a n t h r e a t e n relationships a n d structures y o u have c o m e to d e p e n d on. T r u t h brings insight, b u t it is n o t a m e a n s of a r r i v i n g at rules or standards a b o u t life. N e i t h e r i s i t a m a t t e r o f c o n s e n s u s . T h e r e f o r e , s o m e p e o p l e d o n o t find t r u t h useful o r i n t e r e s t i n g e v e n i f t h e y are a w a r e o f it. Y o u m a y r e c o g n i z e a clear t r u t h a b o u t y o u r s e l f i n t h e m o m e n t ("I

278

SOUL WITHOUT

SHAME

n e e d t o s p e a k a b o u t h o w m u c h y o u h u r t m e " ) , b u t i f y o u set t h a t u p a s a n o n g o i n g t r u t h a b o u t w h o y o u are o r w h a t y o u n e e d , y o u w i l l c u t y o u r s e l f off f r o m a c o n t i n u o u s l y c h a n g i n g s e n s e o f w h a t i s t r u e .

Life

Lessons

T o n y ' s f a t h e r d i e d s u d d e n l y A m o n t h after a t t e n d i n g t h e f u n e r a l , T o n y r e c e i v e d a c o p y o f t h e w i l l i n t h e m a i l f r o m his b r o t h e r , t h e e x e c u t o r , a s k i n g h i m t o s i g n off o n i t i f h e w a s n o t p l a n n i n g t o c o n test i t . T o n y w a s s t u n n e d t o f i n d h e h a d b e e n left a p a l t r y s u m c o m p a r e d t o his b r o t h e r , his o n l y s i b l i n g . A f t e r t h e f i r s t m o m e n t o f s h o c k , h e felt a f a m i l i a r n u m b n e s s f i l l i n g his b o d y , h e a r t , a n d m i n d . O n c e a g a i n , h e h a d r e c e i v e d o n l y m e a g e r r e c o g n i t i o n f r o m his f a t h e r , a s i f he had b e e n merely an a t t e n d a n t in t h e family l o n g ago, s o m e o n e passing t h r o u g h w h o was barely r e m e m b e r e d . H i s j u d g e ' s voice was a l m o s t c o m f o r t i n g : "It's always b e e n this w a y ; w h a t else c o u l d y o u expect? D o n ' t forget, y o u n e v e r liked h i m either." N o t until a friend told h i m he m i g h t be able to do s o m e t h i n g a b o u t t h e w i l l d i d T o n y r e c o g n i z e his h a b i t u a l s u b m i s s i v e n e s s i n r e l a t i o n t o his f a t h e r . T h i s shifted s o m e t h i n g , a n d l o n g - h e l d r e s e n t m e n t b e g a n t o s m o l d e r i n his b e l l y D u r i n g t h e e n s u i n g h o u r s a n d days, t h e a n g e r b e c a m e a r a g i n g f i r e i n s i d e h i m . H e felt f u r i o u s a t his f a t h e r , his family, a n d t h e y e a r s o f i n j u s t i c e h e h a d b o r n e i n s i l e n c e . H i s friend's r e s p o n s e h a d e x p o s e d t h e t r u t h o f his d e e p e r e m o t i o n a l state, b u r i e d u n d e r y e a r s o f r a t i o n a l i z e d passivity. S c e n a r i o after s c e n a r i o p a s s e d t h r o u g h his m i n d : r e v e n g e s t r a t e g i e s , l a w s u i t s , s c a t h i n g l e t t e r s , h a t e - f i l l e d p h o n e calls, e v e n h i r i n g a d e t e c t i v e t o spy o n his b r o t h e r . H e c o u l d s c a r c e l y s l e e p ; his obsessive t h i n k i n g k e p t p u m p i n g a d r e n a l i n e t h r o u g h his t i r e d v e i n s . I t w a s a s i f all t h e h o s t i l i t y l o c k e d u p i n s i d e h i m s i n c e h e w a s a c h i l d w e r e n o w let l o o s e , t h r e a t e n i n g t o d r o w n h i m i n its b i l i o u s o u t p o u r i n g . Several t i m e s , T o n y felt a s i f h e m i g h t l o s e i t a n d b e c o m e v i o l e n t ; y e t s o m e t h i n g k e p t h i m f r o m a c t i n g rashly a s i t s i m u l t a n e o u s l y c o n d e m n e d h i m t o s t e w i n his o w n j u i c e s . Finally, T o n y ' s p r a c t i c e o f i n q u i r y c a m e i n t o play a s h e f o u n d h i m s e l f a s k i n g , " W h a t d o e s i t m e a n for m e t h a t this e v e n t i s h a p p e n i n g n o w i n m y l i f e ? " T h i s q u e s t i o n allow-ed h i m t o e x p e r i e n c e

Truth

279

that w h a t was h a p p e n i n g t o h i m n o w was m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n the m e m o r y o f w h a t h a d h a p p e n e d l o n g a g o . T h e t r u t h o f his p r e s e n t e x h a u s t i o n a n d stress t o r c e d T o n y t o face t h e o v e r a m p e d state o f his b o d y a n d h e a r t . H e r e a l i z e d h e felt p o w e r l e s s , w e a k , a n d s c a r e d u n d e r n e a t h t h e c o m p u l s i v e p l a n n i n g o f his g r a n d i o s e s c h e m e s . U n a b l e t o fight t h e h e l p l e s s n e s s a n y l o n g e r , h e gave in. T h e k n o t i n his b e l l y let g o . a n d s u d d e n l y h e f o u n d h i m s e l f p a i n f u l l y p r e s e n t . H i s b o d y a c h e d , a n d his h e a r t w a s s o r e , b u t T o n y also felt alive a n d a l e r t . T h e s t o r i e s w e r e g o n e f r o m his m i n d , a n d i n t h e i r p l a c e arose a s t r o n g d e s i r e to t a k e c a r e of b u s i n e s s now. He felt a w i l l i n g ness a n d c o u r a g e t o face reality a n d a d y n a m i c sense o f c a p a c i t y t o g e t t h e j o b d o n e . Essential s t r e n g t h i n f u s e d his s o u l . T o n y h a d a clear r

a n d d i r e c t k n o w i n g t h a t his pow erlessness h a d b e e n r e l a t e d t o t h e past; h e k n e w this w a s t r u e b e c a u s e h e c o u l d n ' t c h a n g e w h a t h a d h a p p e n e d . His obsessing had been an a t t e m p t to deny the weakness b u t i n s t e a d h a d p e r p e t u a t e d it. T h e m o m e n t T o n y s u r r e n d e r e d t o t h e t r u t h o f t h e feeling, his p o w e r t o deal w i t h his p r e s e n t s i t u a t i o n r e v e a l e d itself. He i m m e d i a t e l y got on the p h o n e to a lawyer w h o c o u l d advise h i m o n t h e p o t e n t i a l for legally c h a l l e n g i n g t h e will. T h e n e x t day, h e called his b r o t h e r a n d his m o t h e r t o g e t t h e i r sides o f t h e story. R e g a r d l e s s o f t h e o u t c o m e w i t h t h e w i l l , T o n y w a s clear t h a t h e h a d already w o n the w a r i n discovering the t r u t h o f w h o h e was now

7

in his life. O n e of the m a i n reasons y o u do n o t recognize or p u r s u e y o u r ability t o k n o w t h e t r u t h (and t h e r e b y b e i n t o u c h w i t h reality) i s t h a t k n o w i n g the t r u t h in y o u r e x p e r i e n c e often contradicts y o u r n e e d t o m a i n t a i n c e r t a i n beliefs a b o u t yourself. S e n s i n g t h e t r u t h c a n o n l y b e a g u i d e for b r i n g i n g y o u i n t o c l o s e r r e l a t i o n s h i p t o reality i n t h e m o m e n t . A t a n y m o m e n t , i f y o u d o n o t like w h a t y o u find t o b e t r u e a n d y o u p r e f e r t o h o l d o n t o a familiar o r m o r e a c c e p t a b l e e x p e r i e n c e o f yourself, y o u will s t o p p a y i n g a t t e n t i o n t o t h e t r u t h . T h i s d o e s n o t m e a n y o u r s e n s e o f t r u t h i s infallible. A s y o u b e g i n t o p a y a t t e n t i o n t o y o u r i n n e r reality c o m p a s s , y o u will f i n d i t affected b y y o u r desires, p r e f e r e n c e s , h o p e s , a n d fears. F o r i n s t a n c e , y o u m a y feel t h a t i t i s t r u e y o u w a n t a n ice c r e a m c o n e r i g h t n o w .

280

SOUL WITHOUT

SHA ML

W h a t you may not recognize is that a deeper t r u t h may be h i d d e n w i t h i n t h e t r u t h o f t h a t d e s i r e . P e r h a p s y o u really l o n g for s o m e thing sweet to soothe an aching heart. It you don't look beyond the surface t r u t h o f w a n t i n g the ice c r e a m c o n e because b e i n g i n t o u c h w i t h t h e d e e p e r t r u t h w o u l d b e u n c o m f o r t a b l e , t h e n y o u r desire for p l e a s u r e w i l l b e d i s t o r t i n g y o u r t r u t h s e n s e . T h r o u g h a t t u n i n g t o y o u r sense o f t r u t h a n d b e i n g willing t o q u e s t i o n a n d r e m a i n o p e n t o w h a t y o u discover, y o u can s t r e n g t h e n y o u r t r u t h - s e e k i n g capacity. T h i s c a p a c i t y i s i n fact a n a s p e c t o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e . T r u t h i s a q u a l i t y o f w h o y o u are, s e p a r a t e f r o m a n y p a r t i c u l a r c o n t e n t . T h e m o r e you practice sensing w h a t is true in your experience, the m o r e y o u c a n b e g i n t o p e r c e i v e t r u t h a s a flavor o n its o w n . I t h a s a v e r y s p e c i a l s e n s e u s u a l l y e x p e r i e n c e d a s a n e l e m e n t o f s o m e t h i n g else: a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g , a r e c o g n i t i o n , a n i n s i g h t . T h i s special s e n s e m a k e s y o u k n o w t h a t t h e u n d e r s t a n d i n g o r i n s i g h t i s t r u e . Y o u are i n t o u c h w i t h t h e c o n t e n t o f t h e i n s i g h t and t h e s e n s e o f t r u e n e s s . T h i s b r i n g s a feeling of expansion, of intimacy, of s w e e t n e s s — a b r e a t h of freed o m t h r o u g h b e i n g m o r e i n t o u c h w i t h y o u r s e l f . T o k n o w a tact a s t r u e dispels a f a l s e h o o d t h a t w a s k e e p i n g y o u d i s t a n t f r o m y o u r s e l f . T h e facts t h e m s e l v e s are o n l y t h e s t e p p i n g - s t o n e s t o w a r d e x p e r i e n c i n g t h e t r u t h of w h o y o u a r e . T h a t t r u t h is a g o l d e n sweet release in t h e heart, a relaxation into y o u r authenticity.

Truth

and the Judge

T h e j u d g e is n o t interested in l e a r n i n g the t r u t h ; it believes that it a l r e a d y k n o w s e n o u g h f r o m t h e past t o r u n y o u r life. F o r t h e j u d g e , t h e i m p o r t a n t issues a r e k n o w i n g w h a t t o d o , h o w t o d o it, w h a t might go w r o n g , and h o w to keep things from going w r o n g . T h e t r u t h i s o n l y useful i f i t w i l l h e l p a n s w e r t h o s e q u e s t i o n s . " Y o u s u r e feel t e r r i b l e . W h y d o n ' t y o u sit d o w n a n d e x p l o r e w h a t ' s really g o i n g o n . M a y b e if you can figure that out, we can m a k e s o m e c h a n g e here." T h e judge's orientation to the truth is to provide you with l i m i t e d access t o i t or, i t p o s s i b l e , b y p a s s i t c o m p l e t e l y " T h e t r u t h m i g h t relieve t h e pain, c h a n g e s o m e t h i n g , or help get us b a c k to familiar t e r r i t o r y — b u t a vacation m i g h t do j u s t as well, so w h y go

Truth

281

t o all t h a t t r o u b l e a n d d i s c o m f o r t ? " T h e j u d g e i s a w a r e t h a t i t c a n ' t c o n t r o l t h e t r u t h . " T h e p r o b l e m w i t h the truth is it often brings up all k i n d s o f stuff y o u d o n ' t w a n t t o h a v e t o d e a l w i t h , s o b e t t e r t o leave w e l l e n o u g h a l o n e . " T r u t h i s y o u r u l t i m a t e ally i n c o n f r o n t i n g t h e j u d g e . Y o u r s e n s e o f k n o w i n g w h a t i s t r u e for y o u w i l l s u p p o r t y o u r ability t o exist free o f t h e j u d g e ' s i n f l u e n c e . T h e j u d g e c a n s p e a k t h r o u g h y o u r p a r ents, y o u r teachers, y o u r b o o k s , and even y o u r friends. T h e only t h i n g i t c a n n o t s p e a k t h r o u g h i s t h e d i r e c t k n o w i n g n e s s o f y o u r life. T h e m o r e you k n o w the true nature of your o w n experience, the m o r e y o u r e c o g n i z e t h a t i t i s n o t h i n g b u t t r u t h . T h e h o p e s , fears, beliefs, a n d j u d g m e n t s a b o u t y o u r e x p e r i e n c e are t h e f a l s e h o o d s . T h e j u d g e itself i s n o t h i n g b u t a m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f w h a t i s real. T h e m o m e n t y o u see y o u r o w n t r u t h , t h e j u d g e d i s a p p e a r s .

PRACTICE: UNCOVERING THE THREAD OF TRUTH A t least o n c e a day, t a k e a f e w m o m e n t s t o d o a n e x p l o r a t i o n o f t r u t h . A s k yourself, " W h a t i s t h e t r u t h o f m y e x p e r i e n c e r i g h t n o w ? " R e m e m b e r , t h e c o n t e n t i s less i m p o r t a n t t h a n r e c o g n i z i n g the key element in your experience: the deepest, m o s t f u n d a m e n tal t h r e a d o t w h a t i s h a p p e n i n g for y o u . I t m i g h t b e a n e m o t i o n t h a t u n d e r l i e s y o u r w o r d s a n d a c t i o n s b u t i s n o t b e i n g e x p r e s s e d directly. It m i g h t be a particular attitude toward w h a t is h a p p e n i n g that vou are d e t e r m i n e d t o h o l d o n t o . I t m i g h t b e a n e x p e r i e n c e i n y o u r b o d y t h a t y o u are t r y i n g t o a v o i d f e e l i n g . W h a t e v e r i t is, t h e r e c o g n i t i o n w i l l b r i n g s o m e felt r e s p o n s e o f a c k n o w l e d g m e n t a s y o u o p e n t o m o r e o f t h e t r u t h . N o t i c e h o w t h a t feels a n d b e c u r i o u s a b o u t h o w y o u r e x p e r i e n c e changes in relation to y o u r awareness of w h a t is t r u e .

Sue was twenty minutes into the movie w h e n she heard Frank c o m e into the house. M o m e n t s later, he came into the living r o o m and p r o ceeded to settle himself on the c o u c h , with his head on h e r lap so he could see the TV. She p u t h e r hands on his head and stroked his hair w h i l e they watched. W h e n the commercials began, he picked up the r e m o t e and m u t e d the sound. ' T m sorry about those c o m m e n t s back there o n the porch. T h e y were pretty o u t of line. It turns o u t that a y o u n g needy child in me was e m e r g i n g after that quiet time over dinner together. W h e n you asked about the movie, he wanted your attention and to be held by you, but I was not aware ot it. My j u d g e protected me from that y o u n g feeling by attacking your desire for contact. It blamed you for m a k i n g me feel vulnerable and so drove you away. Pretty interesting, d o n ' t you t h i n k ? " "I suppose. It certainly didn't make me feel wanted." "I know," acknowledged Frank, " b u t my j u d g e managed to terrify my child as well. My c o m m e n t s were directed at you, b u t they e n d e d up feeling like attacks on h i m for feeling vulnerable and needy. U g g h h , that is such an old attitude; it feels almost instinctual." "I bet that's true for most men," remarked Sue. T h e m o v i e had started again, so she t u r n e d up the sound. She was m o r e interested in being entertained than carrying on a psychological conversation. In particular, she was interested in snuggling with Frank on the sofa. Sue w r a p p e d her arms around h i m and settled in to enjoy R i c h a r d Dreyfuss and Bill Murray. After the m o v i e was over, Sue went into the b a t h r o o m to brush her teeth while Frank disappeared into the kitchen to do the dishes. - Well, Sue, it seems like you're back into your before-bed blobbiness. Will any of this day rub off on you? Electric t o o t h b r u s h d r o n i n g , s h e looked at herselfin the m i r r o r , c o n sidering her m i d d l e - a g e d features. It was very familiar to see herself as h e r j u d g e did: dumpy, uninteresting, aging, and a failure. But at this m o m e n t , s o m e t h i n g shifted, and she clearly felt that that viewpoint was s o m e o n e else's. In the mirror, she saw a stranger's face. O

You get really disappointed in me, don't you judge? Time for you to go to bed. , . . And please sleep outside.

Frank finished in the kitchen at that m o m e n t , and Sue heard h i m turn off the light. She had just b e g u n washing her n e w face w h e n he o p e n e d the d o o r to the b a t h r o o m and entered.

2 4 fvECAPPING

T H E J O U FIN E Y

I T I S N O W TIME t o r e v i e w t h e e n t i r e p r o c e s s o f d i s e n g a g i n g y o u h a v e b e e n l e a r n i n g . Y o u r w o r k s o far has b e e n t o see a n d u n d e r s t a n d y o u r identification

with

the j u d g m e n t

process

and

practice

different

t e c h n i q u e s t o h e l p y o u d i s i d e n t i f y f r o m it. P r i m a r y a m o n g t h e s e i s actively d e f e n d i n g y o u r s e l f a g a i n s t t h e j u d g e ' s a t t a c k . H o w e v e r , fullv d i s i d e n t i f y i n g f r o m a s e l f - i m a g e e v o k e d i n a n a t t a c k m a y t a k e years of g r a d u a l l y r e v e a l i n g all t h e ways y o u a r e a t t a c h e d to t h a t selfi m a g e . W h e n y o u c o m p l e t e l y disidentify, t h e a t t a c k s t o p s h a v i n g a n y effect o n y o u . Y o u m a y still b e a w a r e o f i t a r i s i n g i n y o u r m i n d , b u t it d o e s n o t distract y o u , e n g a g e y o u , or stop y o u from living y o u r life a t t h e m o m e n t . T h i s i s t h e g o a l o f i n n e r c r i t i c w o r k — t o d e c o n s t r u c t an a t t a c k so it is no l o n g e r a t h r e a t . T h e u l t i m a t e g o a l is to go b e y o n d d e f u s i n g specific a t t a c k s a n d d i s s o l v e y o u r e n g a g e m e n t w i t h t h e j u d g e a n d its s t a n d a r d s . H o w e v e r , this g o a l c a n b e r e a c h e d o n l y t h r o u g h d e f e n d i n g against specific a t t a c k s , w h i c h w i l l a l l o w y o u t o see t h e l a r g e r p a t t e r n o f s e l f - j u d g m e n t .

The

Structure

ofJudgment

I n r e v i e w : T h r e e f u n d a m e n t a l c o m p o n e n t s a r e n e c e s s a r y for j u d g m e n t to take place. You have e x p l o r e d each o n e as part of the o v e r all p r o c e s s o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g s e l f - j u d g m e n t . U n d o i n g t h e p o w e r o f the j u d g e ultimately d e p e n d s u p o n dismantling each c o m p o n e n t through understanding the truth about h o w it operates in you.

284

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WITHOUT

SHAME

First, the judge relies on standards and rules to judge you. T h e s e s t a n d a r d s are t h e a c c e p t e d g r o u n d f r o m w h i c h t h e j u d g e o p e r a t e s a n d g e t s its p o w e r o v e r y o u . T h e s e ideals o f b e h a v i o r are m o s t effective w h e n t h e y a r e u n c o n s c i o u s b e c a u s e y o u w i l l a u t o m a t i c a l l y b a s e your functioning on them without question.When you begin to be a w a r e o f t h e s e j u d g m e n t a l s t a n d a r d s , y o u find y o u i d e n t i f y w i t h t h e m a s n e c e s s a r y t o s u p p o r t y o u r beliefs a b o u t y o u r s e l f . P e r s o n a l t r u t h s e e k i n g o v e r t i m e w i l l reveal t h a t t h e s e s t a n d a r d s are e i t h e r false o r i r r e l e v a n t .

Second, the judge attacks you for not meeting its standards. T h i s is the guts of t h e j u d g m e n t p r o c e s s — t h e attacks. Hostile, d e v a l u i n g s t a t e m e n t s are t h e j u d g e ' s m o s t d i r e c t a n d p a i n f u l t o o l for m a k i n g y o u c o n f o r m t o its ( y o u r o w n ) ideals a n d s t a n d a r d s . M o r e subtle ways i n c l u d e r e m i n d e r s , advice, suggestions, w a r n i n g s , hints, c o r r e c t i o n s , praise, f l a t t e r y , a n d a p p r o v a l — a l l based o n t h e a s s u m p tion that y o u r w o r t h needs to be justified. Actively d e f e n d i n g against t h e s e a t t a c k s i s a vital skill r o o t e d i n k n o w i n g t h e t r u t h : y o u r v a l u e is implicit and n o t subject to j u d g m e n t .

Third, the attacks evoke a state of engagement, characterized by rejection or approval. D i m i n i s h m e n t , g u i l t , s h a m e , a n d r e j e c t i o n are t h e d e b i l i t a t i n g effects o f n e g a t i v e a t t a c k s . E v e n p o s i t i v e feelings o f r e c o g n i t i o n a n d a p p r o v a l a r e t h e r e s u l t o f a n " a t t a c k " b e c a u s e t h e y are based o n t h e j u d g e ' s standards o f h o w y o u s h o u l d b e . E i t h e r way, a t t a c k s e n g e n d e r e n g a g e m e n t , t h e j u d g m e n t l o o p that locks you into y o u r relationship w i t h the j u d g e . B e c o m i n g aware of y o u r a t t a c h m e n t to the child and p a r e n t self-images in the l o o p a n d g r a d u a l l y d i s i d e n t i f y i n g f r o m t h e m are t h e m e t h o d s o f b r e a k i n g y o u o u t o f e n g a g e m e n t activity.

T h e process of j u d g m e n t is disrupted by u n d o i n g any o n e of these three c o m p o n e n t s . W h a t is most i m p o r t a n t in the b e g i n n i n g is to stop t h e attacks. D e f e n d i n g activates strength in y o u and, over t i m e , m a n y o f t h e o t h e r aspects o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e . W i t h o u t d e f e n d i n g , y o u h a v e n o r o o m for a w a r e n e s s a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g t o o p e r a t e . W h e n y o u d o d e f e n d a g a i n s t a t t a c k s a n d c r e a t e s p a c e for yourself,

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i t i s easier t o e x a m i n e a n d q u e s t i o n t h e s t a n d a r d s y o u h a v e a c c e p t e d a s n e c e s s a r y u n t i l n o w . Similarly, d e f e n d i n g o p e n s u p s p a c e for c o n t a c t i n g t h e aspects o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e , w h i c h will s u p p o r t y o u i n l o o k i n g at your identifications m o r e deeply and w i t h o u t j u d g m e n t . T h i s will g r a d u a l l y free y o u f r o m t h e e m o t i o n a l effects o f b e i n g attacked. Later, w h e n y o u have s o m e g r o u n d i n g i n y o u r t r u e nature, t h e j u d g m e n t c a n b e s t o p p e d a t a n y level: b y n o t a c c e p t i n g s t a n d a r d s a n d r u l e s o f s e l f - e v a l u a t i o n , a c t i v e l y d e f e n d i n g a g a i n s t t h e specific a t t a c k , o r n o t e n g a g i n g t h e a t t a c k (in o t h e r w o r d s , n o t r e a c t i n g t o t h e w a y i t m a k e s y o u feel). W h e n y o u r e c o g n i z e t r u e n a t u r e a s y o u r real i d e n t i t y , y o u n o l o n g e r i d e n t i f y w i t h j u d g e o r c h i l d s e l f - i m a g e s , and t h e c o m p o n e n t s o f j u d g m e n t disappear.

Disidentification D i s e n g a g e m e n t m u s t i n c l u d e actively d e f e n d i n g y o u r s e l f t h r o u g h m e t h o d s such as those presented in chapter 20, and it must be s u p p o r t e d b y the l o n g - t e r m w o r k o f disidentification. T h e w o r k o f disidentification is based on the practice ot b e i n g present with the truth of y o u r e x p e r i e n c e . You d o n ' t actually do a n y t h i n g to disidentify; y o u stop d o i n g s o m e t h i n g . Y o u s t o p i d e n t i f y i n g w i t h a n i m a g e o f yourself, w i t h a n y t h i n g o t h e r t h a n t h e l i v i n g t r u e n a t u r e o f y o u r s o u l . O f c o u r s e , this c a n o n l y h a p p e n w h e n y o u h a v e r e c o g n i z e d w h a t y o u are d o i n g w h e n y o u identify. A n d l e a r n i n g t o r e c o g n i z e that is exactly w h a t you have b e e n w o r k i n g on: gradually u n d e r s t a n d i n g m o r e a n d m o r e a b o u t h o w a n d w h y y o u identify until y o u fully u n d e r s t a n d i n y o u r m i n d , y o u r h e a r t , a n d y o u r b e l l y t h a t i d e n tification w i t h a small, d e f i c i e n t c h i l d is a c o m p l e t e m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g . W h e n this h a p p e n s , y o u will s t o p i d e n t i f y i n g , a n d t h e j u d g m e n t will n o l o n g e r c o n t r o l y o u . L o n g - t e r m w o r k on disidentification is necessary to b r i n g the deepest transformation in your relationship to your j u d g e and y o u r self; i t takes t i m e t o d e v e l o p a c o m p r e h e n s i v e u n d e r s t a n d i n g o t w h o y o u are v e r s u s w h o y o u s o m e t i m e s t a k e y o u r s e l f t o b e . T h i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g i s m u c h m o r e t h a n m e n t a l analysis o r r e c o g n i t i o n ; i t involves y o u r w h o l e organism, y o u r total being. T h i s c o m p l e t e

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u n d e r s t a n d i n g i s t h e t r a n s f o r m a t i o n itself, a s i d e n t i f i c a t i o n w i t h a n y t h i n g b u t t h e t r u t h o f w h o y o u a r e g r a d u a l l y d r o p s away.

The

Steps

of Disengaging

T h e process o f p l u n g i n g d e e p e r into y o u r e x p e r i e n c e requires m o v i n g b e y o n d t h e r e a l m o f t h o u g h t s a n d beliefs, w h i c h i s t h e w o r l d o f t h e j u d g e . T h e process y o u have b e e n w o r k i n g w i t h has b e e n p r e sented sequentially, b u t it is n o t a linear process; it does n o t o c c u r in n e a t s t e p s , a n d i t takes p l a c e o n l y a s m o r e a n d m o r e o f y o u a w a k e n s t o y o u r e x p e n e n c e . T h e f o l l o w i n g i s a s u m m a r y o f t h e steps i n v o l v e d in disengaging.You can use it to review w h a t y o u have l e a r n e d a b o u t this p r o c e s s . L e t i t s e r v e a s a g u i d e t o h e l p t h e m i n d p a r t i c i p a t e a s b e s t it c a n .

1. Recognize the attack.

C l a r i f y w h a t s t a t e m e n t , r e f e r e n c e , or i m p l i -

cation c a r r i e d the attack a n d e x p l o r e w h a t the j u d g e was saying i n its m o s t d i r e c t ( " y o u " s t a t e m e n t ) f o r m . 2. See/feel the effects of tfie attack. A r e y o u e x p e r i e n c i n g loss of e n e r g y , w e a k n e s s , n u m b n e s s , t i r e d n e s s , c o n t r a c t i o n , t e n s i o n , obsessive t h i n k i n g , a n x i e t y , s a d n e s s , fear, g u i l t , a n g e r ? 3.

Identify how the judge intends for you

to feel through

that attack.

Be

aware ot the emotional reaction provoked by the a t t a c k — s a d ness, fear, g u i l t , s h a m e , h u r t , h o p e l e s s n e s s , w o r t h l e s s n e s s — a n d t h e i n e v i t a b i l i t y o f this r e a c t i o n . 4.

Consider the standard you are being measured against through the judgment. H o w d o y o u feel a b o u t t h a t s t a n d a r d ? D o y o u b e l i e v e i t i s t r u e o r n e c e s s a r y for y o u n o w ?

5. Notice how you arc engaging with the attack through absorbing, rationalizing, or counterattacking.

C a n y o u see h o w t h a t a c t i v i t y k e e p s

y o u a w a y f r o m f e e l i n g t h e t r u e effect o f t h e a t t a c k o n y o u r s o u l ? 6.

Explore what self-image is evoked by the feelings generated by the attack. H o w does i t limit you? W h o was t h e original j u d g e ? C a n y o u r e c o g n i z e t h e p e r s o n w h o i s s p e a k i n g t o y o u t h r o u g h this selfj u d g m e n t ? H o w does that image oí yourself negate, diminish, or l i m i t w h o y o u are?

7.

Take definite active steps to defend yourself against the attack. T h i s is

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t h e aggressive m o v e m e n t t o w a r d t h e f r e e d o m a n d t r u t h o f w h o y o u a r e . W h e n y o u r j u d g e a t t a c k s y o u , let i t k n o w y o u d o n ' t w a n t its p r e s e n c e o r i n p u t . I f s o m e o n e else a t t a c k s y o u , s p e a k o r d o s o m e t h i n g t o clearly s e p a r a t e y o u r s e l f f r o m t h e j u d g m e n t . 8.

Follow what arises after disengaging. Be a w a r e of r e e n g a g i n g a n d your concerns about separation, aloneness, and n o t k n o w i n g . N o w i s t h e t i m e t o a t t e n d t o a n y useful i n f o r m a t i o n c o n t a i n e d in the attack.

Let's l o o k a t a n e x a m p l e t o see h o w t h e s e steps m i g h t o c c u r .

In

Session

Lois w a n t e d t o e x p l o r e s o m e t h i n g t h a t h a d left h e r f e e l i n g d i s t u r b e d and deflated. Earlier that w e e k , she h a d o p e n e d h e r mail a n d f o u n d a c h e c k for five t h o u s a n d d o l l a r s from h e r father. S h e h a d p r e v i o u s l y t o l d h i m t h a t s h e w a s l o o k i n g for a n e w car b u t h a d n o t a s k e d h i m for m o n e y . T h e gift c a m e w i t h a n o t e s a y i n g , " W e k n e w i t w o u l d b e h a r d for y o u t o afford t h e car y o u w a n t e d , s o w e are g l a d t o h e l p out. Enjoy!" I n s t e a d o f f e e l i n g h a p p y a s s h e t h o u g h t s h e s h o u l d , Lois felt T

uneasy, h u r t , a n d i f s h e w a s h o n e s t w i t h herself, s o m e w h a t a n g r y . I t d i d n ' t m a k e s e n s e , b u t s h e felt a s i f s h e h a d g o t t e n b a d n e w s i n s t e a d o f g o o d . A s L o i s p a i d a t t e n t i o n t o h o w s h e felt, s h e r e a l i z e d s h e felt attacked. T h e n e x t s t e p w a s t o find o u t w h y . W h e n I a s k e d i f s o m e t h i n g i n t h e n o t e b o t h e r e d h e r , s h e said, " Y e s , t h e r e f e r e n c e t o h o w h a r d i t w o u l d b e for m e t o g e t w h a t I w a n t e d . T h a t feels like s u c h a f a m i l iar d i g f r o m m y d a d : ' Y o u are o n l y a g i r l . Y o u c a n ' t b e e x p e c t e d t o p r o v i d e for y o u r s e l f . Y o u c a n ' t m a k e i t i n a m a n ' s w o r l d . ' H e always talked that way a n d c o n t i n u e s to treat me as if it w e r e true." " S o w h e n y o u r e a d this n o t e , y o u h e a r d y o u r father's v o i c e t h r o u g h y o u r o w n j u d g e saying w h a t ? " I asked. " I t s a i d , ' Y o u are a h e l p l e s s , i n c a p a b l e w o m a n . ' A n d t h a t m a k e s m e feel like a failure: w e a k , s t u p i d , a s h a m e d , a n d d e p e n d e n t o n h i m . It's a s i f h e w a n t s t o k e e p m e i n m y p l a c e b y s e n d i n g this m o n e y , a n d t h e n h e e x p e c t s m e t o feel g r a t e f u l b e c a u s e h e r e s -

288

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c u e d m e f r o m m y o w n financial h e l p l e s s n e s s . " Lois's a n g e r w a s p a l pable. She paused, a n d t h e a n g e r gave w a y to pain. " Y o u k n o w , w h a t ' s really sad is t h a t I h a v e i n t e r n a l i z e d t h a t i m a g e of myself. I engage with

t h e a t t a c k b y b u y i n g it, b e l i e v i n g i t s t r u e . E v e n

t h o u g h I can a n d do m a k e m o n e y and take care of myself in t h e w o r l d , I o f t e n t h i n k of m y s e l f as a d i l e t t a n t e : i n c o m p e t e n t , p r e tending, and ultimately needing a daddy to approve ot me, back me up, and take care of me w h e n I get o v e r w h e l m e d by the big w o r l d . T t h i n k t h a t is w h y 1 h a v e felt deflated s i n c e t h e c h e c k a r r i v e d . I t b e a r s o u t m y w o r s t fear a b o u t m y s e l f — t h a t I c a n ' t b e an i n d e p e n d e n t adult." " I s t h a t h o w y o u e x p e r i e n c e y o u r s e l f t h e s e days, a s a h e l p l e s s c h i l d ? O r i s this f e e l i n g s o m e t h i n g s t i r r e d u p b y this i n c i d e n t ? " L o i s c o n s i d e r e d t h e q u e s t i o n a s she r e c a l l e d h o w s h e h a d felt a b o u t herself in recent m o n t h s . " Y o u k n o w , I have actually b e e n feeli n g t h e o p p o s i t e : m o r e assertive, m o r e s u r e o t myself, a n d m o r e a w a r e o f m y o w n c a p a c i t y t o g e t t h i n g s d o n e . B u t this i n c i d e n t has t h r o w n m e b a c k i n t o a n o l d p a t t e r n , a n d t h a t sense o f b e i n g c a p a b l e feels far a w a y a t t h e m o m e n t . " M a n y avenues of exploration were o p e n to Lois, b u t 1 directed h e r b a c k t o t h e f e e l i n g o f b e i n g a t t a c k e d b y h e r father's n o t e . " H o w c o u l d y o u d e f e n d y o u r s e l f a g a i n s t t h e s t a t e m e n t t h a t y o u are a h e l p less, i n c o m p e t e n t w o m a n ? " "Just g o a w a y ! It's n o t t r u e ! " T h e m u s c l e s i n h e r j a w t i g h t e n e d , a n d L o i s l o o k e d a little like a p o u t y c h i l d . I a s k e d h e r i f t h a t w o r k e d . S h e said m a y b e , b u t s h e still felt t e n s e and n o t i c e d she was h o l d i n g her breath. I suggested that instead of t r y i n g t o c o n t r a d i c t t h e j u d g e , s h e c o u l d let i t h a v e its w a y a n d i g n o r e t h e i m p l i c a t i o n o f s h a m e a n d failure. Lois l o o k e d p u z z l e d , a s i f s h e h a d n o idea w h a t t h a t m i g h t b e like. I a s k e d h e r t o play h e r j u d g e and deliver t h e attack w h i l e I played her. " Y o u are n o t h i n g b u t a h e l p l e s s , s t u p i d girl w h o i s d e p e n d e n t on me to take care ot you." I g r i n n e d at h e r . " Y o u k n o w ; it's so t r u e . I c a n ' t do a t h i n g myself. A n d w h y s h o u l d I w h e n I h a v e a f a t h e r like y o u w h o gives m e all the m o n e y I need?" Lois l o o k e d a t m e i n a m a z e m e n t . M y response h a d s t o p p e d h e r

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j u d g e c o l d . " B u t t h a t d o e s n ' t m a k e a n y sense. H o w c o u l d y o u say that? Y o u ' r e j u s t a g r e e i n g w i t h t h e a t t a c k . " "Yes, b u t I a m n o t a g r e e i n g w i t h t h e i d e a t h a t i t m e a n s s o m e t h i n g b a d . W h o cares w h a t t h e j u d g e says? T h e p o i n t i s t o g e t i t off my back. D i d that defense stop you as the j u d g e ? " " I t sure d i d . I d i d n ' t k n o w w h a t t o say. Y o u s t o l e all o f m y ammunition." "That's exactly the point. D o you think you c o u l d d o that?" " I d o n ' t k n o w . I n e v e r i m a g i n e d y o u c o u l d say s u c h a t h i n g . B u t I like it. I feel all this e n e r g y j u s t t h i n k i n g a b o u t it. Go a h e a d a n d try m e . " " L o i s , face it, y o u w i l l always b e a n i n c o m p e t e n t , s t u p i d girl i n n e e d of my help." " I s n ' t i t g r e a t — n e v e r h a v i n g t o g r o w u p a n d always h a v i n g y o u t h e r e w i t h m o n e v i n h a n d ? B y t h e way, c o u l d I h a v e s o m e m o r e ? " Lois c o u l d n ' t h e l p b u t l a u g h a s s h e e n j o y e d h e r little j o k e . H e r e n e r g y , lightness, and boldness indicated she was o u t from u n d e r t h e attack. L o i s has b e e n w o r k i n g w i t h h e r j u d g m e n t a l p r o c e s s for s o m e t i m e , s o s h e i s able t o b r i n g i n t o c o n s c i o u s n e s s its v a r i o u s c o m p o n e n t s w i t h s o m e ease. H e r e x p e r i e n c e p r o v i d e s a c o n c i s e e x a m p l e o í w o r k i n g t h r o u g h t h e steps o f d i s e n g a g i n g o u t l i n e d e a r l i e r i n t h e c h a p t e r . A s y o u u n c o v e r this p r o c e s s i n yourself, y o u w i l l p r o b a b l y m o v e t h r o u g h t h e e i g h t steps o v e r a n e x t e n d e d p e r i o d , w i t h o n l y o n e or a few t a k i n g place at a t i m e . For instance, step 7, t h e active d e f e n d i n g , m i g h t f o l l o w d i r e c t l y o n t h e h e e l s o f steps 1 a n d 2 , w i t h t h e o t h e r steps o c c u r r i n g b e f o r e o r after i n c o n t i n u i n g e x p l o r a t i o n .

Lois and the Eight Steps Let's l o o k i n m o r e detail a t w h a t h a p p e n e d t o Lois i n this p r o c e s s . I n this e x a m p l e , t h e steps u n f o l d easily for h e r . S h e b e g i n s w i t h step 2, by n o t i c i n g h o w she was feeling and r e c o g n i z i n g that h e r i n n e r e x p e r i e n c e was o t feeling a t t a c k e d . T h i s was w i t h o u t k n o w i n g w h a t t h e a t t a c k w a s o r w h y s h e felt a t t a c k e d b y s o m e t h i n g t h a t h e r m i n d said w a s a g r e a t t h i n g : r e c e i v i n g five t h o u s a n d d o l l a r s in t h e m a i l ! B y l o o k i n g a t t h e specifics o f w h a t h a p p e n e d — i n this case, t h e

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content of the n o t e — L o i s quickly uncovers the implicit statement of j u d g m e n t . She puts it in the j u d g e s words, as " y o u " statements. T h i s is s t e p 1. H e r e , it is c o m b i n e d w i t h an e l e m e n t of step 6, t h e r e c o g n i t i o n of the original source of the attack. T h i s recognition was obvious b e c a u s e the self-attack c a m e in an interaction w i t h t h e p e r s o n she o r i g i n a l l y felt j u d g e d by, h e r father. S o m e t i m e s , c l a r i f y i n g t h e a t t a c k i n g s t a t e m e n t will i m m e d i a t e l y b r i n g w i t h i t t h e awareness o f w h o m y o u heard it from as a child; at o t h e r times, y o u c a n n o t recognize t h e s o u r c e , a n d m o r e i n q u i r y will b e n e e d e d t o reveal it. T h e s e first t w o steps w e r e c o v e r e d i n c h a p t e r 4 , " R e c o g n i z i n g J u d g m e n t . " S t a t i n g t h e a t t a c k takes Lois r i g h t i n t o s t e p 3 , a s s h e feels t h e judgment's intention to keep her dependent and "in her place" by m a k i n g h e r feel w e a k , s t u p i d , a n d a s h a m e d . S h e i n t e r p r e t s t h e s e f e e l i n g s to m e a n s h e is a f a i l u r e . T h i s e x p l a i n s w h y s h e e a r l i e r felt uneasy, hurt, and a n g r y — t h e reactions to the unconscious experience of failure a n d d e p e n d e n c e . S t e p 3 is g e n e r a l l y a n a t u r a l result of p u t t i n g t h e f i r s t t w o steps t o g e t h e r b y l i n k i n g i n y o u r a w a r e n e s s t h e e m o t i o n a l effect o f t h e a t t a c k t o its a c t u a l c o n t e n t . H o w y o u are m a d e t o feel b e c o m e s t h e basis o f t h e s e l f - r e j e c t i o n p r o v o k e d b y m o s t a t t a c k s . T h i s y o u l o o k e d a t i n c h a p t e r 4 a s y o u saw t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n j u d g m e n t and attack. T h e s e first t h r e e steps c a n h a p p e n i n a f e w m o m e n t s o f f o c u s e d a t t e n t i o n a n d i n v e s t i g a t i o n , a s t h e y d i d for L o i s , o r t h e y c o u l d t a k e days o r w e e k s t o clarify i n y o u r d a i l y life. R e m e m b e r , t h e j u d g e operates in y o u unconsciously m o s t of the t i m e — t h e standards, the a t t a c k s t h e m s e l v e s , a n d t h e w a y t h e y m a k e y o u feel. I t takes t i m e t o u n c o v e r t h e j u d g m e n t process, just as it t o o k years in c h i l d h o o d to completely submerge it into your unconscious. S t a y i n g w i t h h e r feelings leads Lois i n t o a r e c o g n i t i o n o f h e r a b s o r b i n g e n g a g e m e n t w i t h t h e attack, step 5 . T h i s is the material c o v e r e d i n c h a p t e r 8 , " E n g a g i n g t h e J u d g e . " Later, w h e n I ask h e r a b o u t h e r r e l a t i o n s h i p t o t h e j u d g m e n t a l beliefs, s h e sees h o w e n g a g i n g w i t h t h e a t t a c k has c u t h e r off f r o m a n o p p o s i t e q u a l i t y t h a t h a d b e e n arising in h e r recently Step 4 is t o u c h e d on only briefly by Lois in relation to h e r father's j u d g m e n t t h a t w o m e n are i n c o m p e t e n t . T h e i m p l i c i t s t a n -

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d a r d for h e r i s h e r l a t h e r ' s n o t i o n o f h o w s m a r t m e n are. I n r e s p o n s e t o m y q u e s t i o n , s h e b e c o m e s c o n s c i o u s t h a t s h e has b e e n s e e i n g h e r self r e c e n t l y w i t h o u t this s t a n d a r d a n d a p p r e c i a t i n g w h a t s h e sees. S t a n d a r d s are a c e n t r a l t h e m e i n c h a p t e r 6 , " W h a t I s J u d g e d ? " T h e s e l f - i m a g e t h e a t t a c k e v o k e s i n L o i s arises n e x t ; this i s t h e p r i m a r y e l e m e n t i n s t e p 6 . T h o u g h , i n this s e s s i o n , s h e d o e s n o t l o o k at the c h i l d h o o d e x p e r i e n c e on w h i c h t h e self-image is based, she senses h o w this b e l i e f a b o u t h e r s e l f has c o l o r e d h e r p e r s p e c t i v e o n h e r life i n t h e w o r l d . I t has k e p t h e r f r o m a c t i n g w i t h c o n f i d e n c e a n d assertiveness. C h a p t e r s 12, 1 4 , a n d 1 6 e x p l o r e t h e v a r i o u s e l e m e n t s o f this step. A s k i n g Lois w h e t h e r t h e c h i l d s e l t - i m a g e m a t c h e s h e r r e c e n t e x p e r i e n c e o p e n s t h e w a y for h e r t o shift from b e i n g c a u g h t u p i n t h e " k e r n e l o f t r u t h " o f t h e attack's c o n t e n t ( h e r f e e l i n g o f i n c o m p e t e n c e ) t o t h e d e e p e r effect i t i s h a v i n g o n h e r . W h e n h e r j u d g e s p e a k s t h r o u g h t h e n o t e , i t i s p s y c h i c a l l y s e n d i n g h e r b a c k t o a n early age. S h e m a y b e a t t e m p t i n g t o act a s a n a d u l t , b u t u n c o n s c i o u s l y s h e is e x p e r i e n c i n g herself as a w e a k a n d h e l p l e s s c h i l d w h o is n o t s m a r t e n o u g h . I t i s this i m a g e o f h e r s e l f — w i i i c h i s c o n t i n u i n g u n c o n sciously despite r e c e n t c h a n g e s — t h a t allows t h e j u d g e ' s statements t o find t h e i r m a r k a t t h e p r e s e n t t i m e . A f t e r Lois r e m e m b e r s s o m e sense o f h e r o w n t r u t h , I ask h e r t o c o n f r o n t h e r d y n a m i c w i t h t h e j u d g e actively t h r o u g h d e f e n d i n g , s t e p 7 . R e m e m b e r , all t h e u n d e r s t a n d i n g y o u g a i n w i l l h a v e little effect u n l e s s y o u act o n it. E v e r y t h i n g y o u h a v e l e a r n e d a b o u t j u d g m e n t , attacks, e n g a g e m e n t , a n d identification m u s t c o m b i n e w i t h y o u r o w n awareness, g r o u n d i n g , allowing, curiosity, strength, c o m p a s s i o n , a n d aliveness t o b r i n g a b o u t active d e f e n d i n g a s y o u p r a c t i c e d i n c h a p t e r 2 0 . R e c o g n i z i n g t h a t y o u are b e i n g a t t a c k e d i s n o t e n o u g h ; k n o w i n g h o w i t m a k e s y o u feel i s n o t e n o u g h ; k n o w i n g t h e history b e h i n d t h e attack is n o t e n o u g h . Y o u m u s t step o u t of t h e j u d g m e n t l o o p . T h i s i s t h e real s o u l w o r k . T h i s i s w h e n y o u actively identify w i t h y o u r s e l f a s o t h e r t h a n c h i l d o r p a r e n t . T h i s i s w h e n y o u assert y o u r f u n d a m e n t a l aliveness a n d f r e e d o m . T h i s i s w h e n y o u a l i g n y o u r s e l f w i t h t h e d e e p l o n g i n g t o b e real a n d p r e s e n t i n y o u r life a g a i n s t t h e s e l f - d e f e a t i n g e x p e r i e n c e o f j u d g m e n t . Lois b e g i n s w i t h a n aggressive d e f e n s e , b u t i t i s t o o s i m i l a r t o

SOUL

292

WITHOUT

SHAME

h e r l i f e l o n g s t r a t e g y o f t r y i n g t o d e n y h e r father's a s s e s s m e n t o f h e r . T h e d e s i r e t o d i s e n g a g e i s t h e r e , b u t t h e m e t h o d d o e s n o t free u p any of her constricted e n e r g y 1 suggest using exaggeration as an e x p a n s i v e , n o n c o n f l i c t u a l d e f e n s e . T h i s i s a m u c h m o r e effective a p p r o a c h for h e r i n b r e a k i n g u p t h e f i x e d p a t t e r n a r o u n d this f a m i l iar a t t a c k . T h i s d e f e n s e w o u l d n o t w o r k for s o m e o n e w h o i s still strongly identified w i t h the c o n t e n t of the attack. H o w e v e r , Lois h a d a l r e a d y e x p l o r e d this issue o f d e p e n d e n c e m a n y t i m e s b e f o r e a n d w a s b e g i n n i n g t o feel h e r o w n i n n e r s u p p o r t . S o w i t h m y m o d e l i n g , s h e w a s a b l e t o b r e a k t h e spell a n d e m b r a c e t h e w o r d s t h a t h a d always m e a n t s h a m e a n d failure t o h e r . W h e t h e r s h e w a s c o n s c i o u s o f i t o r n o t , t h r o u g h this d e f e n s e , Lois was c o n f r o n t i n g h e r d e e p belief that it is a p p r o p r i a t e to be j u d g e d for h e r feelings. S h e u n q u e s t i o m n g l y a c c e p t e d t h a t f e e l i n g weakness, helplessness, a n d stupidity m e a n s there is s o m e t h i n g b a d and shameful a b o u t her. This is the most fundamental standard exposed in her work. S t e p 8 i s t h e o n l y o n e n o t r e p r e s e n t e d i n this e x a m p l e . I t i s c o v ered in chapter 22, "After the J u d g m e n t Is G o n e "

Unraveling

Engagement

Active disengagement brings deeper recognition of w h a t is occurring in the j u d g m e n t loop ( w h o you have taken yourself to be and w h y a n d h o w t h a t affects y o u ) . A s this h a p p e n s , y o u n a t u r a l l y s e e y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e i n a different l i g h t . T h i s affects h o w y o u teel a b o u t y o u r life a n d w h o y o u are. D e e p e r s e l f - a w a r e n e s s o f t e n stirs feelings o f s a d n e s s a n d loss a t h a v i n g b e e n s o o u t o f t o u c h w i t h r e a l ity. O r i t m i g h t b r i n g d e s i r e a n d d e t e r m i n a t i o n t o see m o r e clearly i n t h e future. O r i t m i g h t ignite feelings o f i n d i g n a t i o n a n d o u t r a g e a t b e i n g m a d e t o feel s o d i m i n i s h e d a n d d e f i c i e n t i n o r d e r t o m a i n t a i n s o m e c h i l d h o o d s e n s e o f safety; O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , t h e g r e a t e r u n d e r s t a n d i n g m a y also b r i n g clarity, a c c e p t a n c e , a n d a p p r e c i a t i o n t h a t y o u w e r e d o i n g t h e b e s t y o u c o u l d all v o u r life g i v e n h o w i g n o r a n t o f t h e t r u t h y o u w e r e . W h e n this a p p r e c i a t i o n for t h e m o v e m e n t o f v o u r o w n s o u l arises, m o r e internal space o p e n s up. You will find yourself acting m o r e

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realistically a n d b e i n g less i n f l u e n c e d b y c h i l d h o o d beliefs, a t t i t u d e s , a n d fears. T h e best way to integrate the

understanding you

develop

t h r o u g h o b s e r v a t i o n a n d e x p l o r a t i o n i s t o actively c h a l l e n g e t h e c o n trol o f y o u r j u d g e . T h e d i r e c t a c t i o n o f s a y i n g n o t o t h e j u d g m e n t l o o p causes a shift i n y o u r i n t e r n a l r e s p o n s e t o a t t a c k s . Y o u w i l l d r a w u p o n y o u r o w n d e e p e r soul resources a n d in t h e process integrate t h o s e q u a l i t i e s i n t o t h e sense o f w h o y o u are. T o fully defuse a specific a t t a c k w i l l o f t e n t a k e m o n t h s o r years a s y o u live w i t h e a c h n e w b i t o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g a n d d i s c o v e r h o w y o u c a n act differently b e c a u s e o f it. O n e o f t h e g r e a t e s t c h a l l e n g e s t o this s l o w u n r a v e l i n g i s i m p a t i e n c e f u e l e d b y t h e j u d g e i t s e l f . T h e j u d g e will f o c u s o n w h a t h a s n ' t c h a n g e d ; " N o t h i n g s e e m s t o b e diff e r e n t . Y o u w i l l n e v e r really c h a n g e . . . . N o t h i n g is h a p p e n i n g , so w h a t g o o d w i l l i t d o t o try? It's h o p e l e s s . " I t i s i m p o r t a n t t o k n o w t h a t this p r o c e s s i s g r a d u a l a n d c a n n o t b e p l a n n e d o u t o r c o n t r o l l e d . S o m e shifts a n d c h a n g e s w i l l b e r e c o g n i z a b l e o n l v after t h e fact. S o b e w a r y o f t h e j u d g e ' s efforts t o d i s c o u r a g e y o u . This l o n g - t e r m process of disengaging from an attack requires unraveling the

identifications

that

spawned the j u d g m e n t . This

m e a n s n o t i c i n g t h a t t h e j u d g m e n t d o e s n o t reflect reality, u n d e r s t a n d i n g h o w i t arose, i d e n t i f y i n g t h e beliefs t h a t s u p p o r t it, f e e l i n g t h e e m o t i o n s i n v o l v e d , a n d r e c o g n i z i n g t h e i m p a c t o f h a v i n g lived a c c o r d i n g t o t h o s e beliefs for s o l o n g . I f y o u k e e p a t it, t h e t r u e u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f y o u r s i t u a t i o n will u n f o l d . A n d a s y o u b e c o m e m o r e g r o u n d e d i n reality, t h e w h o l e s t r u c t u r e o f beliefs, feelings, a n d b e h a v i o r s a r o u n d t h e specific a t t a c k w i l l n a t u r a l l y dissolve. T h e f i n a l r e s o l u t i o n o f a n a t t a c k i s usually u n r e m a r k a b l e . A s y o u w o r k on a j u d g m e n t , t h e attack c o n t i n u e s to operate in y o u , b u t g r a d u a l l y its p o w e r d i m i n i s h e s , t a k i n g less a n d less o f y o u r a t t e n t i o n a n d e n e r g y a s y o u r c a p a c i t y for s t a y i n g p r e s e n t g r o w s , u n t i l o n e d a y y o u h a p p e n t o n o t i c e t h a t p a r t i c u l a r a t t a c k has n o effect o n y o u a n y m o r e . I t i s i r r e l e v a n t . Y o u are n o l o n g e r s o m e o n e w h o cares a b o u t s u c h a c o m m e n t . Y o u are free o f t h a t a t t a c k . I t m a y e v e n s e e m s u r prising that it ever controlled y o u the way it o n c e did. W h a t is r e m a r k a b l e i s t h e s e n s e o f s i m p l e p r e s e n c e i n t h e s o u l w h e n y o u are freed f r o m e n g a g e m e n t w i t h t h e j u d g e .

Frank stood and watched Sue as she applied h e r evening cleansers. O

You're so good, washing the dishes, cleaning the countertop, and now waiting for her to finish. But just wait, she'll find something to complain about. Why do you even bother trying to please her?

R a t h e r than respond to his j u d g e , Frank found himself speaking to Sue. "You should hear the voice in my head. It is so repetitive. I used to think its me who's b o r i n g and mechanical, b u t I think my j u d g e is the real source of w h y my behavior so often feels e m p t y and repetitive. T h a t j u d g e is just a lifeless machine. I am here enjoying a simple activity like w a t c h i n g you, and it is d e t e r m i n e d to make me look at things and react to t h e m in a b o r i n g old way. Life is m u c h m o r e interesting if I just ignore that voice." Sue looked at Frank in the mirror. "It's nice that you want to look at me. I feel a little shy, b u t I like it." She t u r n e d and smiled at Frank, drying her face and l o o k i n g very o p e n and sweet. "It makes me feel alive and new, n o t stale and useless like I usually do." She dried h e r face and t h e n stood in front of h i m as he was l o o k i n g at her. ' Y o u know, I felt very alone after telling you to shut up. I really m e a n t it, b u t it was hard to have all that e m p t y space. 1 felt lost because [ had banished the k n o w n part, and what was [eft between us felt u n k n o w n . It's funny, I still sense that e m p t y space, but n o w it feels m o r e fresh and intimate. It's as if I k n o w you b u t I don't k n o w you. I k n o w me b u t I don't k n o w m e . That's exciting, and it makes me shy, t o o — n o t just because you want to look at me b u t because I have no idea w h a t you will see or w h o you are. B u t it's n o t scary " T h e n after a pause she added, " T h a n k s for watching the m o v i e with me." Frank t o o k her in his arms and felt h e r aliveness and his o w n . It was like a subtle c u r r e n t flowing t h r o u g h b o t h their bodies. He felt t h e m b o t h at a p o i n t w h e r e the mystery of the universe crossed over into the ordinariness of everyday life. He could think of no better w o r d to describe the teeling than "presence." T h e r o o m was filled w i t h prese n c e — a n d so were they. E v e r y t h i n g a r o u n d t h e m , including their o w n bodies, looked familiar, but at the same time, the familiarity felt like a transparent skin over an amazing u n k n o w n mystery. S o m e t h i n g rich and subtle and alive seemed to fill everything, and as he h u g g e d Sue, he felt a d e e p sense of gratitude p o u r i n g o u t of his heart.

25 PRESENCE

I T i s A P P R O P R I A T E I O e n d this b o o k w i t h t h e essenti.il q u a l i t y o f p r e s e n c e , for i t i s t h e m o s t d i r e c t d o o r w a y t o d i s c o v e r i n g y o u r t r u e n a t u r e . P r e s e n c e i s t h e e x p e r i e n t i a l quality' t h a t m a k e s y o u r s o u l s o m e t h i n g m o r e t h a n a gestalt o f e m o t i o n s , t h o u g h t s , a n d s e n s a t i o n s . A c o m m o n e l e m e n t i n all t h e s o u l aspects d e s c r i b e d h e r e , p r e s e n c e i s available t o y o u a t e a c h m o m e n t . P r e s e n c e i s m o r e difficult t o d e f i n e t h a n t h e o t h e r q u a l i t i e s w e have t o u c h e d o n because there i s n o e m o t i o n a l c o m p o n e n t , n o o b v i o u s s e n s a t i o n , a n d n o s t o r y l i n e a s s o c i a t e d w i t h it. P r e s e n c e i s the aspect of y o u r e x p e r i e n c e that c a n n o t be r e m e m b e r e d . It can be known

only

in

the

m o m e n t o f e x p e r i e n c i n g it, for w h e n

the

m o m e n t has p a s s e d , v o u r m i n d recalls o n l y t h o u g h t s , i m a g e s , f e e l ings, o r s e n s a t i o n s ; t h e p r e s e n c e i s g o n e . P r e s e n c e i s a p a r t o f o t h e r essential q u a l i t i e s s u c h a s c o m p a s s i o n a n d s t r e n g t h , b u t w h e n y o u r e m e m b e r e x p e r i e n c i n g these qualities, y o u can never r e p r o d u c e t h e sense of p r e s e n c e in t h e m . If you c o u l d , it w o u l d no l o n g e r be a m e m o r y — a past e x p e r i e n c e — b u t a p r e s e n t e x p e r i e n c e o f t h a t quality, an e x p e r i e n c e w i t h p r e s e n c e . S o this i s t h e p a r a d o x : Y o u k n o w p r e s e n c e o n l y w h e n y o u a r e e x p e r i e n c i n g it, a n d y o u c a n o n l y e x p e r i e n c e i t a s a n a s p e c t o f t h e p r e s e n t m o m e n t — h e n c e , t h e n a m e presence. T h r o u g h o u t this b o o k , I h a v e e n c o u r a g e d this a w a r e n e s s b y i n v i t i n g y o u t o b e i n t o u c h w i t h your

experience

here

and

now—to

be

aware

of the

present

m o m e n t . B u t w h a t does it actually m e a n to be in the present, to be present, to have presence?

296

SOUL

People

with

WITHOUT

SHAME

Presence

At one time or another, you've probably experienced s o m e o n e as having "a strong presence." (Presence need not be " s t r o n g " but w h e n it is " q u i e t , " it often goes u n n o t i c e d . ) Perhaps it was a speaker w h o h e l d y o u a n d e v e r y o n e else i n t h e a u d i e n c e s p e l l b o u n d . O r a guest at a party w h o drew people's attention and held it just by walking t h r o u g h the r o o m . It is hard to define w h a t "a strong p r e s e n c e " m e a n s , b u t i t refers t o a q u a l i t y y o u c a n s e n s e . Y o u m a y s e n s e a n intensity in the person's energy or a charisma that draws people or a solidness a n d substance that u n d e r l i e surface appe arance. In g e n eral, this q u a l i t y i s felt r e g a r d l e s s o f a n y t h i n g t h e i n d i v i d u a l m a y b e doing to c o m m a n d attention. In other words, presence is something m o r e t h a n a n e x p r e s s i o n o f his c o n s c i o u s i n t e n t i o n . I t i s s e p a r a t e f r o m t h e g l i t t e r a n d e n t e r t a i n m e n t o f a p p e a r a n c e . I n fact, w i t h o u t p r e s e n c e , all t h e craft a n d s h o w m a n s h i p i n t h e w o r l d a r e m e r e l y s h o w a n d o f little s u s t a i n i n g i n t e r e s t . It an i n d i v i d u a l h a s p r e s e n c e , it m e a n s t h a t h e r presence in a situ a t i o n , simply h e r b e i n g there, has i m p a c t . W i t h o u t d o i n g o r saying a n y t h i n g , s h e affects y o u . Y o u m i g h t n o t l i k e w h a t s h e says, b e u n c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h her tone, or find her clothing distracting, b u t s h e h a s s o m e q u a l i t y t h a t m a k e s y o u n o t i c e h e r a n d stirs s o m e t h i n g in you.You may have y o u r attention d r a w n by h e r striking a p p e a r a n c e , h e r p o i n t e d r e m a r k s , or h e r d r a m a t i c gestures, b u t if y o u are a w a r e o f t h e p e r s o n herself, i t i s b e c a u s e o f h e r p r e s e n c e . Y o u d o n ' t feel m a n i p u l a t e d b y h e r s u r f a c e a p p e a r a n c e t o stay i n t e r e s t e d ; y o u r a t t e n t i o n i s effortlessly d r a w n t o h e r a n d n o t easily d i s t r a c t e d . A w a r e ness w i l l n a t u r a l l y rest w h e r e t h e r e i s p r e s e n c e .

The

Experience

of Presence

Presence in y o u is the direct, i m m e d i a t e e x p e r i e n c e of y o u r o w n existence. It is k n o w i n g — w i t h certainty and not indirectly through m e m o r y or d e d u c t i o n — t h a t "I am here." N o t "I am here because I am aware of w h a t is going on a r o u n d m e " or "I am here because I feel s e l f - c o n s c i o u s " o r " I a m h e r e b e c a u s e I r e m e m b e r w a l k i n g i n t o t h e r o o m . " It is n o t even "I am h e r e b e c a u s e I sense t h e floor against

Presence

297

the b o t t o m s of my feet."You can approximate presence w h e n you are s e n s i n g y o u r b o d y — f e e l i n g y o u r p h y s i c a l e x i s t e n c e i n this m o m e n t — b u t e v e n this i s i n d i r e c t . W h e n y o u s e n s e a p a r t o f y o u r b o d y , y o u are still s e p a r a t e f r o m it. Y o u are s e n s i n g it, n o t s e n s i n g yourself directly T h i s is so unless y o u have t h e direct recognition t h a t y o u are s e n s i n g yourself a s y o u s e n s e y o u r b o d y , t h a t y o u are " p r e s e n t " i n y o u r b o d y a s y o u sense it. So p r e s e n c e is an e x p e r i e n c e ot t h e soul b e y o n d t h i n k i n g , feeling, or sensing. It is direct k n o w i n g t h r o u g h being: 'T am here b e c a u s e I e x p e r i e n c e myself actually b e i n g h e r e at this m o m e n t . " It i s s o s i m p l e , s o basic, a n d y e t s o u n f a m i l i a r b e c a u s e y o u w e r e n o t t a u g h t to r e c o g n i z e or value this way of k n o w i n g . P r e s e n c e is a w a r e n e s s a n d h e r e n e s s as w e l l as k n o w i n g . It is a c t u ally all t h r e e c o n d e n s e d i n t o o n e i n s e p a r a b l e e x p e r i e n c e o f b e i n g . T h e fact t h a t y o u are h e r e i s n o t d i f f e r e n t f r o m y o u r a w a r e n e s s o f yourself, w h i c h i s n o t different f r o m y o u r k n o w i n g t h a t y o u are h e r e . T h i s m a y s o u n d like w o r d p l a y u n t i l y o u e x p e r i e n c e i t a n d r e a l ize t h a t k n o w i n g , a w a r e n e s s , a n d h e r e n e s s are s o o b v i o u s l y o n e t h i n g ( p r e s e n c e ) t h a t y o u f o r g e t t h e y are u s u a l l y e x p e r i e n c e d separately. If y o u k n o w yourself as a p e r s o n r e a d i n g this b o o k , w i t h o u t b e i n g d i r e c t l y a w a r e o f y o u r s e l f a s y o u r e a d , y o u are n o t e x p e r i e n c i n g p r e s e n c e . I f y o u are a w a r e o f t h e s e n s a t i o n s t h a t r e a d i n g c r e a t e s i n y o u r b o d y b u t are r e m o v e d f r o m h o w t h a t e x p e r i e n c e i s you, y o u are n o t e x p e r i e n c i n g p r e s e n c e . I f y o u k n o w y o u are h e r e r e a d i n g this b o o k a n d h a v e n o a w a r e n e s s o f h o w t h a t i s h a p p e n i n g , y o u are not experiencing presence. Presence is your experience w h e n you are k n o w i n g y o u r s e l f a t this m o m e n t i n t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f r e a d i n g . T h e experience of presence can h a p p e n spontaneously w i t h o u t y o u r r e c o g n i t i o n . W h a t y o u n o t i c e i n s t e a d are c e r t a i n s e n s a t i o n s o r qualities arising in the field of y o u r awareness. D u r i n g vigorous p h y s i c a l activity, for e x a m p l e , o r after a s t r o n g o u t p o u r i n g o f e m o t i o n , y o u feel y o u r w h o l e b o d y w i d e a w a k e w i t h i n t e n s e aliveness. O r o n e a f t e r n o o n , y o u are c a p t i v a t e d b y t h e u n r e s t r a i n e d s p o n t a n e i t y o f small c h i l d r e n p l a y i n g . O r p e r h a p s y o u f i n d y o u r s e l f a b s o r b e d i n c o n v e r s a t i o n , e n g a g e d i n a c h a l l e n g i n g task, o r s i m p l y r e s t i n g after a l o n g day, a n d y o u r a w a r e n e s s i s c o n c e n t r a t e d i n t h e p r e s e n t m o m e n t w i t h n o s e n s e o f past o r f u t u r e . T h e s e are m o m e n t s

298

Soui. W I T H O U T SHAME

o f p r e s e n c e . M a n y p e o p l e are d r a w n t o b e i n g i n n a t u r e b e c a u s e i t elicits t h e s e m o m e n t s for t h e m . N a t u r e l o v e r s m a y n o t b e a w a r e o f e x p e r i e n c i n g presence; they only k n o w that s o m e t h i n g f u n d a m e n tal i n t h e i r n a t u r e i s t o u c h e d a n d n o u r i s h e d b y t h e p r e s e n c e o f t h e natural w o r l d . T h e vibrancy and immediacy of a living e n v i r o n m e n t evoke t h e living presence of the h u m a n soul. T h e s e r a n d o m o c c u r r e n c e s o f p r e s e n c e are s o m e t i m e s r e c o g n i z e d as special m o m e n t s a n d o t h e r times s e e m q u i t e ordinary. E i t h e r way, y o u u s u a l l y n o t i c e t h e q u a l i t y o f i m m e d i a c y less t h a n t h e affect i n v o l v e d ( e x c i t e m e n t , relief, f a s c i n a t i o n , c o n c e n t r a t i o n , stillness, fear). Y o u h a v e l e a r n e d t o a t t r i b u t e t h e p r e s e n c e i n y o u r e x p e r i e n c e t o t h e e m o t i o n a l c o n d i t i o n s o r historical causes o f y o u r situation. You have n o t b e e n t a u g h t to r e c o g n i z e yourself as t h e i m m e d i a t e s o u r c e o f aliveness a n d r e a l n e s s . All t h e j u d g e ' s a c t i v i t y c o n s p i r e s t o m a i n t a i n this o u t w a r d f o c u s . C u l t i v a t i n g a n a p p r e c i a t i o n o f p r e s e n c e m e a n s t u n i n g i n t o what you are i n t h e s e m o m e n t s o f h e i g h t e n e d aliveness.

Presence Is

an Endangered State

W h y i s i t t h a t s o m e t h i n g s o basic a s p r e s e n c e s e e m s t o b e s u c h a r a r e quality? O n e reason is that y o u w e r e n o t b r o u g h t up to recognize o r a p p r e c i a t e it. P r e s e n c e , b y itself, o f t e n d o e s n ' t a t t r a c t a t t e n t i o n ; i t i s s i m p l e , o r d i n a r y , a n d u n p r e t e n t i o u s . O f t e n lost i n t h e r a p i d - f i r e b a r r a g e o f s t i m u l a t i o n i n m o d e r n life, p r e s e n c e i s a m u c h s u b t l e r quality than h y p e or d r a m a a n d does n o t translate t h r o u g h v i d e o or p i c t u r e s . Y o u really h a v e t o o p e n t o y o u r i n n e r s e n s i n g t o r e c o g n i z e it. Y o u m u s t let g o y o u r f o c u s o n w h e r e y o u are g o i n g s o y o u c a n n o t i c e w h e r e y o u are. S o m e t i m e s , in situations such as a party, a p u b lic e v e n t , o r w a i t i n g i n l i n e , y o u h a v e m o r e o p p o r t u n i t y t o s l o w d o w n , relax y o u r goal o r i e n t a t i o n , a n d appreciate t h e p o w e r o f s i m ple presence in others. As y o u do this, r e m e m b e r that their presence has a b s o l u t e l y n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h t h e i r v a l u e o r usefulness for y o u . I t d o e s n o t c a u s e a n y t h i n g o r r e s u l t f r o m a n y t h i n g ; i t just is. T h e second reason w h y presence seems so unusual is because t h e r e is so little of it to be p e r c e i v e d . It is a r a r e p e r s o n w h o has real a p p r e c i a t i o n for t h e essential q u a l i t y o f p r e s e n c e , a n d f e w e r still

Presence

299

k n o w h o w t o c u l t i v a t e i t . T h i s i s a n i n t e r e s t i n g fact, g i v e n t h a t e v e r y o n e i s b o r n w i t h p r e s e n c e . A s a n i n f a n t , y o u are little else b u t p r e s e n c e . S p e n d a f e w m o m e n t s w i t h a b a b y a n d y o u feel it. W h e t h e r e n e r g e t i c o r q u i e t , solid o r s w e e t , t h a t p r e s e n c e i s p a l p a b l e . G r a d u ally, y o u lose t h a t u n m i s t a k a b l e q u a l i t y a s y o u a n d t h o s e a r o u n d y o u b e c o m e m o r e f o c u s e d o n w h a t y o u l o o k like, h o w y o u b e h a v e , a n d w h a t y o u say a n d d o t h a n o n t h e fact o f y o u r b e i n g . T h e less y o u a p p r e c i a t e p r e s e n c e , t h e less i t stays w i t h y o u . F u r t h e r m o r e , if y o u associated it w i t h feeling u n s e e n , y o u will u n c o n s c i o u s l y t e n d t o avoid f e e l i n g y o u r o w n p r e s e n c e . T h e result i s t h a t m o s t p e o p l e are c u t off from p r e s e n c e b y t h e t i m e t h e y r e a c h a d u l t h o o d . A d u l t s w h o still h a v e a s t r o n g p r e s e n c e are o f t e n n o t a w a r e o f it or see it as simply part of s o m e personal talent or attribute-—-such a s c h a r m , i n t e l l i g e n c e , sense o f h u m o r , o r p a s s i o n — r a t h e r t h a n a s a q u a l i t y i n itself. P r e s e n c e i s m o r e t h a n a n y c h a r a c t e r i s t i c o f y o u r p e r sonality: it is t h e n o w n e s s of t r u e nature, t h e i m m e d i a c y that is y o u , a n d t h e life a t t h e c e n t e r o t e v e r y e x p e r i e n c e y o u h a v e .

Presence

and

the Judge

T h e m o r e p r e s e n t you are, t h e m o r e y o u r a w a r e n e s s w i l l rest a n d f l o w n a t u r a l l y w i t h y o u r own e x p e r i e n c e . A s y o u h a v e s e e n , y o u r j u d g e i s actively d i r e c t i n g y o u r a t t e n t i o n a w a y f r o m b e i n g h e r e n o w ; i n t o t h e f u t u r e a n d b a c k t o t h e past, its task i s t o m a i n t a i n t h e f a m i l i a r i t y o f k n o w i n g y o u r s e l f a s y o u always h a v e , s o i t resists t h e freshness a n d m y s t e r y o t s i m p l y b e i n g i n t h e p r e s e n t . W h e n g r e a t effort i s n e e d e d t o h o l d y o u r a t t e n t i o n o n w h a t y o u are d o i n g o r f e e l i n g a t t h e m o m e n t , y o u are k n o w i n g y o u r s e l f t h r o u g h m e m o r y : y o u are not experiencing your o w n presence. If you were, then your awareness w o u l d n a t u r a l l y rest h e r e i n t h e p r e s e n t m o m e n t a n d f l o w w i t h y o u r experience.To be aware of y o u r i m m e d i a t e e x p e r i e n c e requires disengaging from t h e activity of t h e j u d g e a n d habitual patterns of r

a t t e n t i o n ( s u c h a s f o c u s i n g o n h o w o t h e r s feel a b o u t y o u ) w h i l e simultaneously cultivating the experience of y o u r o w n presence. P r e s e n c e i s y o u r u l t i m a t e g r o u n d for c o n f r o n t i n g t h e j u d g e b e c a u s e p r e s e n c e i n c l u d e s t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t y o u exist w i t h o u t reference to any outside source. As l o n g as you believe you n e e d an

SOUL WITHOUT

300

SHAME

i m a g e o f yourself, a belief, a n i d e a , o r s o m e i n f o r m a t i o n i n y o u r m i n d i n o r d e r t o exist, y o u w i l l b e a t t h e m e r c y o f t h e j u d g e b e c a u s e i t lives o n i d e a s , beliefs, a n d i m a g e s . H o w e v e r , t h e m o m e n t y o u r e c ognize y o u r o w n existence i n d e p e n d e n t of any mental concept, the j u d g e b e c o m e s simply w o r d s i n y o u r m i n d , n o m o r e significant t h a n t h e label o n y o u r shirt o r the l e n g t h o f y o u r toenails. Labels a n d l o n g t o e n a i l s c a n b e useful a t c e r t a i n m o m e n t s a n d c a u s e p r o b l e m s a t o t h ers, b u t t h e y h a v e little r e l a t i o n s h i p t o o r i m p a c t o n w h o y o u a r e a n d w h a t i t m e a n s t o live y o u r life.

Cultivating

Presence

P r e s e n c e i s t h e state o f b e i n g d i r e c t l y a w a r e o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e , t h a t w h i c h i s n o t affected b y h i s t o r y , l e a r n i n g , o r e n v i r o n m e n t . Y o u d o n o t n e e d t o k n o w i n w o r d s w h o o r w h a t y o u are i n o r d e r t o e x p e r i e n c e p r e s e n c e . Y o u j u s t n e e d t o k n o w that y o u a r e . P r e s e n c e i s n o t s o m e t h i n g you do, n o r can you do s o m e t h i n g to be present. Rather, you learn to recognize w h a t is not presence and w h a t prevents y o u from being present. Y o u r w o r k w i t h t h e j u d g e has b e e n a p r a c t i c e o f cultivating b o t h these recognitions. E x p a n d i n g y o u r awareness develops the g r o u n d for e x p e r i e n c i n g p r e s e n c e . I t e n h a n c e s p r e s e n c e b y i n c r e a s i n g y o u r p e r c e p t i o n o f y o u r p r e s e n t e x p e r i e n c e — n o t o n l y o f what y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g b u t also o f y o u r s e l f a s y o u are e x p e r i e n c i n g . A s y o u r contact with presence develops, y o u r awareness can expand, flow, and rest w i t h y o u r i m m e d i a t e e x p e r i e n c e . A w a r e n e s s a n d p r e s e n c e w o r k t o g e t h e r , d e e p e n i n g y o u r e x p e r i e n c e o f y o u r life a n d y o u r s o u l n a t u r e . L i v i n g f r o m this p l a c e o f d i r e c t c o n t a c t w i t h y o u r o w n t r u t h g r a d u ally r e p l a c e s t h e n e e d for t h e j u d g e a s c o n s t a n t c o m p a n i o n . E v e r y t h i n g i n this b o o k h a s b e e n d e s i g n e d t o e v o k e i n d i r e c t l y the quality of p r e s e n c e — t h r o u g h increasing awareness of yourself i n daily life a n d t h r o u g h p r a c t i c e s t h a t c u l t i v a t e y o u r s e n s e o f y o u r t r u e n a t u r e a n d its e s s e n t i a l q u a l i t i e s . E a c h p r a c t i c e i n v o k e s o r e n c o u r a g e s contact w i t h a particular aspect of y o u r essence. Because p r e s e n c e i s p a r t o f e v e r y a s p e c t , e a c h p r a c t i c e also c u l t i v a t e s p r e s e n c e . F o r this r e a s o n , t h e r e i s n o f u r t h e r p r a c t i c e for p r e s e n c e itself. S i m p l y c o n t i n u e t o d e e p e n y o u r k n o w i n g o f w h o y o u are i n y o u r life a n d w h a t i t m e a n s t o b e alive, t o b e h e r e , a n d t o b e y o u .

FINAL

THOUGHTS

Y O U HAVE E M B A R K E D O N a j o u r n e y o f c o n f r o n t a t i o n a n d selfd i s c o v e r y t h a t w i l l free y o u r s o u l t o u n f o l d its p o t e n t i a l . R e m e m b e r , this b o o k i s o n l y a m a p , a w a y o f o r i e n t i n g t o t h e t e r r a i n , i t i s n o t t h e t r u t h i n itself b u t s i m p l y a w a y o f s p e a k i n g a b o u t t h e t r u t h . Y o u b r i n g t r u t h t o this m a t e r i a l b y w o r k i n g w i t h i t a n d m a k i n g i t c o m e alive i n y o u r o w n e x p e r i e n c e . I e n c o u r a g e y o u t o m a k e u s e of teachers and therapists to s u p p o r t y o u r process. T h e perspective a n d p r e s e n c e o f a n e x p e r i e n c e d g u i d e are i n v a l u a b l e i n h e l p i n g y o u stay o n t r a c k . M u c h m o r e c o u l d b e said a n d w r i t t e n a b o u t w o r k i n g w i t h j u d g m e n t . M a n y a s p e c t s b e c o m e a p p a r e n t o n l y after years o f travel and unraveling y o u r experiences along the way.Two such c o m p l e x issues h a v e b e e n t o u c h e d o n h e r e o n l y b r i e f l y : a p p r o v a l a s t h e p o s itive side o f j u d g m e n t a n d s e l f - h a t r e d a s t h e p r i m a l e n e r g e t i c f o r c e t h a t d r i v e s s e l f - a t t a c k . T h e s e c o n c e r n s lie i n t h e t e r r i t o r y o f f u r t h e r maps. A s the j o u r n e y c o n t i n u e s , j u d g m e n t appears i n shifting guises. Sometimes, the j u d g e b e c o m e s subtle and seductive as it turns you a g a i n s t y o u r s e l f . O t h e r t i m e s , i t i s a v i c i o u s d e m o n : b r u t a l , raw, a n d totally w i t h o u t disguise. T h e n again, j u d g m e n t can s e e m formless a n d p e r v a s i v e , a b a c k g r o u n d fog o f w r o n g n e s s o r e n e r g y - s a p p i n g a n x i e t y . O r i t m a y live c o m p l e t e l y i n s i d e a n d w i t h o u t w o r d s , m o r e alive i n y o u r cells t h a n a s c o n t e n t i n y o u r m i n d . I n s t a n c e s o f f e e l i n g s o m e r g e d w i t h negativity that y o u are u n a b l e t o separate yourself are e s p e c i a l l y d i s c o n c e r t i n g w h e n y o u h a v e l o n g b e e n c l e a r a b o u t t h e d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n y o u a n d t h e o n e w h o stirs s u c h s e l f - a t t a c k . But do not be discouraged. H o w e v e r the j u d g e shows up, your

302

Final

Thouqhts

t r u e n a t u r e c a n s u p p o r t y o u o n t h e j o u r n e y . T h e real m a p i s r e a d y t o reveal itself i n s i d e v o u . Y o u r soul has a g r e a t e r i n t e l l i g e n c e t h a n y o u can i m a g i n e , p r e s e n t i n g you w i t h e x p e r i e n c e you can w o r k with and understand. It is your true support, your true guide, your true nature. A n d t h e u l t i m a t e fuel for t h e soul's u n f o l d m e n t i s l o v e o f t r u t h a n d t h e m v s t e r y o f reality. T h e m o r e this l o v e i s felt, t h e m o r e i t g e n e r a t e s in t h e s o u l a p r o f o u n d sense of s e l f - r e s p e c t , an a p p r e c i a t i o n for a n d v a l u i n g o f all m a n i f e s t a t i o n s o f w h o y o u are. S e l f - r e s p e c t gradually d e e p e n s i n t o a personal integrity a n d dignity, as y o u r e c o g n i z e that each manifestation is a potential revelation ot d e e p e r truth. A n d each truth can only b r i n g you closer to y o u r t r u e nature, t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f s i m p l y B e i n g . F r o m this p l a c e , t h e j u d g e itself a p p e a r s as a c o m p l e x a n d m y s t e r i o u s e x p r e s s i o n of t h e s o u l , a figu r e t o b e u n v e i l e d , a d o o r t o b e o p e n e d a n d passed t h r o u g h a s y o u l e a r n t o live w i t h o u t s h a m e i n t h e h e a r t o f life.

LIST

OF

AND

PRACTICES EXERCISES

Attuning to Inner Space Asserting

Your

214 True

Strength

224

Being with Pain

193

Being with the Stillness of the Night

261

Checking for Aliveness

150

Encouraging Curiosity

176

Exploring

Value

237

Exploring Internal Separation

272

Exploring Your Experience While U n d e r Attack

186

Identifying the Focus of Self-Attacks

86

Identifying Modes of Engagement

114

Letting the Judge Speak

141

Loosening Childhood Identification

207

Making R o o m for What's Excluded

168

Noticing What Your Parents Taught Your Judge

168

Observing Engagements in Social Situations

114

Observing Judgments/Attacks

63

Observing Self-Attacks on Expansion

86

304

Practices

and

Exercises

Observing Your Motivations Observing

Your

26 Reactivity

97

O p e n i n g to a Playful Heart

175

T h e Practice of Defending

254

Questioning Self-Improvement

168

T h e Reality of Driving Seeing H o w You Are Your Parents' Child Sensing Aliveness

38 167 9

T h e Sitting Practice

123

Uncovering the Judge's Gift

141

Uncovering the Judges Cover-up

140

Uncovering the Thread of Truth

281

FURTHER

RESOURCES

T h e approach to w o r k i n g with the j u d g e described in this b o o k is based on a path of self-realization and spiritual d e v e l o p m e n t called the D i a m o n d A p p r o a c h . T h e w o r k was discovered and developed by A. H. Almaas and is taught through the R i d h w a n School. T h e central practice of this path is inquiry into your o w n experience to discover the truth of w h o you are. If you are interested in k n o w i n g m o r e about this particular path, you can w r i t e to the R i d h w a n F o u n d a t i o n , a t P.O.Box 10114,Berkeley,CA 9 4 7 0 9 . T h e following b o o k s and article by A. H. Almaas may be of interest in reference to the j u d g e (superego), the d e v e l o p m e n t of the personality, the soul, and essential aspects of o u r true nature:

Diamond Heart. B o o k s 1, 2, 3, and 4. Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1987, 1989, 1990, 1997. Essence. York Beach, Maine: Samuel Weiser, 1986. Facets of Unity. Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1998. The Pearl Beyond Price. Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1988. The Point of Existence. Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1996. " T h e Work on the Superego." Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1977. Tlie Void. Berkeley, Calif.: D i a m o n d Books, 1986. O t h e r approaches to the j u d g e or inner critic that you might find of interest: Hal Stone and Sidra Stone. EmbracingYour Inner Critic:Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1993. R i c h a r d Carson. Taming Your Gremlin: A Guide to Enjoying Yourself. N e w York: H a r p e r & R o w , 1983. Cheri

Huber. There's Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate.

M o u n t a i n View, Calif.: Keep It Simple Books, 1993. R o b e r t Firestone. Voice Therapy: A Psychotherapeutic Approach to Self-Destructive Behavior. N e w York: H u m a n Sciences Press, 1988.