Shag!, A Beginner's Guide

Crombie Jardine PUBLISHING LIMITED www.crombiejardine.com This edition was first published by Crombie Jardine Publishin...

Author: Ferris Stewart

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Crombie Jardine PUBLISHING LIMITED www.crombiejardine.com This edition was first published by Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2006 Copyright © 2006, Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN 1-905102-60-7 Written by Stewart Ferris Cover design by Alastair Williams Printed and bound in the United Kingdom by William Clowes Ltd, Beccles, Suffolk

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Contents Introduction ............................ 7 History of shagging ................ 9 Myths about shagging .......... 13 Laws about shagging ........... 14 Educational films with good sex scenes ...................... 18 Shag toys ............................. 19 Number of people needed ... 23 What to wear ........................ 27 Odours ................................. 31 Fruit-based alternatives to people ............................. 35


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Finding someone to shag on the Internet ...................... 39 Finding someone to shag in a bar ................................ 43 Where to shag ...................... 47 Adding a sense of danger to the shag .......................... 51 Flirting .................................. 52 Myths about shagging .......... 56 Chat-up lines ........................ 57 Dating ................................... 61 Seduction ............................. 65 Foreplay ............................... 69


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Aphrodisiacs ........................ 73 Safe sex ............................... 77 Pleasure spots ..................... 81 Boobs ................................... 85 Bums .................................... 89 Equipment needed for a shag........................................93 Nobs ..................................... 94 Does size matter? ................ 98 Positions ............................ 102 Kama Sutra ........................ 106 Orgasm .............................. 110 Faking orgasm ................... 114


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The wet patch .................... 118 Top 10 words for shagging.. 122 Top 10 alternatives to shagging.........................123 Dos and Don’ts .................. 124


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Introduction Shagging is a great way to pass the time, but if you’re new to the scene you can’t just start shagging without prior knowledge of the subject. There are rules, techniques, tips and secrets to learn. You also need a partner. This book will ensure you know your g-spot from your g-string, your arse from your elbow and your orgasm from your orgy. Packed with the fruits of literally hours of research, the wisdom


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contained in these pages will give you a shagging technique second to none. So read this book, get up off your elbow and start shagging!

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a beginner’s guide

History of shagging Description What came first: the headache or the shag? Scientists believe that no woman ever suffered headaches or migraines until shagging began. Painful pressure on the brain quickly evolved as a defence mechanism against the ravenous sexual appetites of primitive men from a lost age, men such as Rod Stewart.

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History of shagging Misconceptions Some believe the act of shagging was invented shortly after the death of Queen Victoria. After decades of stifling repression when a bare ankle was considered hard core pornography, people were at last free to explore the rest of the leg. This is not true: if shagging were really a recent invention it would have been patented and we’d all be paying royalties. 10


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History of shagging Interesting facts Shagging is what links you to every member of your family. Nothing else. Disgusting, isn’t it? Did you realise your family was so depraved? In fact, if you go back far enough, shagging links every person on this planet. We’re one enormous, unhappy family, and all because our ancestors shagged each other in the bygone days of yesteryore.

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History of shagging Hints for beginners When you approach the act of shagging for the first time, remember that approximately one hundred million ancestral shags have had to occur since the dawn of life to create you. The same for your partner. That’s an awful lot of squelching fish, furry creatures and cavemen just to put you at the pinnacle of the evolutionary tree.

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Myths about shagging Myths have evolved over the years to control young people’s sexual habits. Young women were told that shagging would ‘cause pregnancy’ or that so-called ‘sexual diseases’ could be caught from the rancid dick of a young man. Sadly, these old wives’ tales discouraged many girls from following potentially lucrative careers as whores.

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Laws about shagging Description The government likes to control its population, even when it comes to what happens beneath the bedsheets. For our moral protection a framework of laws has been drawn up to prevent us doing anything remotely kinky by members of parliament who themselves indulge in perverted acts like bestiality, felching and golf.

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Laws about shagging Misconceptions A narrow group of older males believes that any woman in a short skirt is ‘gagging for it’ and has implicitly consented to a shag. However, these misguided older males, or ‘judges’ as they are sometimes known, have an ignorance of the modern world matched only by Neanderthals.

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Laws about shagging Interesting facts For genetic reasons it is illegal in most countries to shag your brother, sister or cousin. Offspring from such ‘in-breeding’ can suffer hideous mutations. Particularly disturbing examples of these deformities can be seen in royal families, posh schools and Norfolk.

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Laws about shagging Hints for beginners No need to take a legal textbook to bed with you (unless that’s what turns you on). Use common sense, respect and restraint (selfrestraint, not handcuffs). Since a woman now has to give an explicit ‘yes’ to sex it’s advisable to have a witness in the bedroom to prove you had her consent at the time of the shag. A doctor, policeman or parent will do.

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Educational films with good sex scenes Carry On Nurse Carry On Matron Carry On Doctor Carry On Again Doctor Carry On Camping Carry On Abroad Carry On Cleo Carry On Up The Jungle

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Shag toys Description Although shagging is an adult activity, some adults like to use toys in the bedroom. There’s a wide range of toys available to enhance the pleasure of a shag. Whether it’s a rubber vibrating cock, some pink furry handcuffs or a train set, the use of toys during a shag is entirely acceptable and healthy. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Weirdo.

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Shag toys Misconceptions Don’t think you can go into a toy shop and ask for kinky toys. It doesn’t work like that. Parents will start screaming and kids will be traumatised to hear you asking for a narrow gauge Hornby set. Shag toys must only be purchased in the appropriate sordid shops, or from dodgy mail order companies that advertise on websites for pervs.

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Shag toys Interesting facts The most popular sex toy accessory for women is the simple vibrator. The size of a finger, it fits into a handbag where it sits quietly until accidentally activated during an important business meeting. The most popular sex toy accessory for men is a magazine.

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Shag toys Hints for beginners Be comfortable with your chosen shag toys before the event by rehearsing with them in the toilet. Make sure you have a spare set of batteries. Wipe off any evidence of previous use before getting down to it with your partner. Keep out of reach of children, no matter how much they want to play with the trains.

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Number of people needed Description The optimum number of people in a bed is five. This will create evolutionary diversity which is a healthy thing. But there are constraints of bed size plus difficulties inherent in finding either enough birds who are up for it (and who won’t charge you) or persuading blokes that it isn’t gay to be in bed with another bloke so long as there’s a female in there somewhere. 23


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Number of people needed Misconceptions One-in-a-bed sex romps don’t really count as shagging, which will be disappointing news to most teenage males who are regularly enjoying solo encounters. There are no laws limiting the number of people who can shag each other in the same bed, other than the laws of physics. Eventually you either run out of holes or the bed collapses. 24


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Number of people needed Interesting facts A female porn star once had sex with more than one hundred men in a single day. They queued, naked, around the block to get a taste of very sloppy seconds. In some cultures it is acceptable for a man to have many wives, but even these wives usually prefer exclusivity during the act of shagging. 25


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Number of people needed Hints for beginners Don’t get out of your depth: aim for a total of two people in the bed (including yourself). The best way to check the numbers is to do a simple head count at the beginning of the shag session, followed by another count at the end. If the number has gone down, you’re crap in bed. If it’s gone up, word has spread that you’re hot stuff. 26


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What to wear Description A wide variety of clothing can be worn when indulging in the adventure of shagging. G-strings are a good starting point, and they look good on the ladies too. Uniforms are a common turn-on, and leather with metal studs is more than just for dog collars. Talking of which, why not try the traditional ‘kinky vicar’ look?

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What to wear Misconceptions People usually think you have to be completely naked to shag, but this isn’t the case. In fact, remaining fully clothed can be advantageous when shagging discreetly in public places, such as a cinema. Dungarees allow excellent access to all areas, including the circle and the VIP room.

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What to wear Interesting facts The most popular men’s shagging attire is a fireman’s outfit, complete with a wide, strong helmet. This is because women like strong men who know how to handle a long hose. The most popular outfit for a woman, according to the preferences of their male shag partners, is a paper bag, worn over the head.

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What to wear Hints for beginners Try to wear loose, comfortable clothes with plenty of zips or elastic for easy groping access. Don’t bother ironing anything because it will end up in a heap on the floor, unless the outfit is made of rubber in which case it will end up stuck to the iron.

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Odours Description The enjoyment of a shag can be enhanced with certain kinds of aromas. We all have smells that excite us, whether it be chocolate, cake, or chocolate cake. Burning incense, scented candles and whiffy flowers are age-old tricks designed to hypnotise the senses and reduce the inhibitions of your shag partner.

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Odours Misconceptions Natural body odour and sweat are thought to trigger a primitive sexual response deep within us. Actually the response of most people when exposed to that kind of pen and ink is to run away very quickly. These pongs are marketed as pheromones, which wild animals use to attract mates. No one knows how they manage to open the bottles, though.

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Odours Interesting facts People who wash themselves occasionally get more shags than people who don’t. The most popular shagging scent is lavender. If your shag partner develops a penchant for wearing a peg on their nose during sex, it might be time to try washing yourself.

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Odours Hints for beginners Washing the bed sheets before a shag usually gets things off to a good start. Unless your partner thinks you’re doing it because you have something to hide. And if you do have something to hide, you should definitely wash those sheets. And flush the toilet.

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Fruit-based alternatives to people Description Nature provides many ways to satisfy human desire: the warmth of the sun; the taste of honey; George Clooney. And for those who struggle to get their rocks off with other humans, nature provides the fruit-based alternative. For women this is the banana; for men it is the pumpkin.

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Fruit-based alternatives to people Misconceptions A ring doughnut is sometimes held as being better than a pumpkin. This is not the case, as the doughnut is too fattening if subsequently wiped clean and eaten. Some argue that a banana is not fruit because the tree from which it grows is actually a herb, but these people should shut up and get a life.

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Fruit-based alternatives to people Interesting facts A banana tree is a herb, but the banana is the fruit of that herb. Or something. Scorpions eat their partner after sex. With the fruit-based alternative you can do the same. There’s no shame in being caught with your cock inside a pumpkin. It’s a healthy expression of your one-ness with nature. 37


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Fruit-based alternatives to people Hints for beginners It’s important that the fruit isn’t rotten, but equally you don’t want it to be so fresh that you’re tempted to make it into a fruit salad afterwards and serve it to your friends. Partially peeling the banana adds to the realism, as does carving a pretty face into the side of the pumpkin.

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Finding someone to shag on the Internet Description The Internet is a global computer communications network invented by university science students who were desperate for a shag but who lacked the social skills necessary to interact with people in the real world. Internet dating has now replaced maypole dancing as the number one method of meeting future spouses.

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Finding someone to shag on the Internet Misconceptions Some say that Internet dating sites are just for ugly, lonely and sad individuals. Not true. Sometimes they allow normal-looking people on there too. It’s also not the case that cyber-shagging is only for weirdos. Ex-murderer soap actors are just as likely to be found monkey-spanking online as dribbling incoherent geeks. So nothing to worry about. 40


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Finding someone to shag on the Internet Interesting facts There are no hot women on Internet dating sites. Any sexy photos you see are just copied JPG images of models or porn stars, and the true identity of ‘blondebustygal23’ is more likely to be ‘greybloatedbloke59’. More lies are told via Internet dating sites in one month than are told by members of parliament in an entire year. 41


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Finding someone to shag on the Internet Hints for beginners Use your creativity to embellish your personality. You can say whatever you like about yourself because no one will ever find out the truth. Not unless you’re daft enough to get together with some nutter you met via the Internet. Even though all photos on the Internet are fake, don’t arrange a date with someone who has no picture at all: it’s for a reason. 42


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Finding someone to shag in a bar Description The traditional pick-up joint, preferred by many, is the bar or nightclub. These premises exist for the purpose of bringing together people who might want to shag each other, and they make such coupling more likely by supplying inhibition-reducing drugs such as beer. Enough beer can easily metamorphose a dog into a fox.

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Finding someone to shag in a bar Misconceptions Don’t make the mistake of assuming that anyone you meet in a bar is there because they want to shag you. Sometimes people go to bars for other reasons, such as to have a drink or a packet of peanuts. They might even be there just to use the loo and won’t want to receive your smooth chat-up lines and suggestive hip-wiggles.

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Finding someone to shag in a bar Interesting facts The kind of person you’re likely to meet in a bar is the kind of person who likes to go to bars. Although you can meet a shag partner in a bar, you shouldn’t actually shag them there.

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Finding someone to shag in a bar Hints for beginners It’s important to look your best when going to a bar to find someone to shag. Before you leave home ensure that you diet for a few weeks and remember to wear your best frock or your favourite plus-fours. Put on plenty of eye-shadow or after-shave, and consider plastic surgery.

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Where to shag Description Location, location, location. Estate agents are fastidious about shagging in the right place. Generally the front bottom is considered the most appropriate location for a shag. Somewhere between the legs is the best place to start looking for it. Also look in the bedroom, in the back of the car and in the woods.

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Where to shag Misconceptions Tradition has it that shagging should only take place in the bedroom. But why not try it in the kitchen, the bathroom or the garden? Don’t be constrained by lack of imagination. What about in the shed? Be bold. Or on the dining table? Set yourself free. Or at the office or on a train or a bus?

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Where to shag Interesting facts Two thousand arrests are made every year for people shagging on trains or buses. Five hundred couples are admitted to hospital every year because their dining table collapsed beneath them. Plumbers charge extra for removing couples from bathroom hardware. 49


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Where to shag Hints for beginners Rather than starting at the deep end, which carries a risk of drowning, start by shagging on the bedroom floor. Then try it on the sofa in the living room. If and when you finally feel ready to try more exotic locations, catch a flight to the Bahamas and shag in the sand under a palm tree.

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Adding a sense of danger to the shag A sense of danger can heighten sexual pleasure, so some couples attempt to shag in ways or places that they feel are unsafe. Danger could mean not locking the bedroom door, shagging in a hot air balloon or in full view of the neighbours. Any such methods increase sexual excitement whilst simultaneously lowering property values.

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Flirting Description Flirting happens when a chap and a chapess realise they want to shag each other but can’t actually say so explicitly in case they get rejected, so they beat about the bush trying to steer the conversation in saucy directions. ‘Do you like brown sauce?’ he will say, to which she will shyly give the subtle reply, ‘Only if I can lick it off your cock.’

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Flirting Misconceptions Flirting isn’t the same as shagging. If your partner flirts with someone they haven’t actually been unfaithful, even though they’ve obviously thought about it. So you might as well dump them anyway. Although they might have been flirting as part of their job in order to attract new customers, which is fine unless their job is prostitution.

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Flirting Interesting facts Flirting can involve bodily contact. Typically this might involve his arm brushing against her arm as they sit and chat; his foot gently nudging her foot under the table; his penis pressing firmly into her buttock region while he stands behind her waiting to get served at the bar.

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Flirting Hints for beginners The best way to start flirting is to give someone a compliment. ‘Nice hat’, for instance. Then give them a visual signal, like a smile and a wink. You could also try body language to demonstrate your amorous intentions. A vigorous pelvic thrust from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, for instance, will leave no doubt in their mind.

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Myths about shagging Another myth is that everyone else is getting loads more shagging done than you are. This isn’t true. Everyone else isn’t really getting much either and they are just as paranoid about it as you. If everyone stopped worrying and started shagging, the world would be mildly different to the way it is now, possibly in a positive way, possibly not.

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Chat-up lines Description When a man meets a woman, he must utter a cheesy chat-up line in order to win her love. This tradition of courtly romance goes back to Georgian times, when George Formby himself would utter a seductive witticism to a naked bird whilst cleaning her window. Smooth lines such as ‘Ooh – turned out nice again!’ still melt many a lady’s heart.

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Chat-up lines Misconceptions The ‘one size fits all’ approach doesn’t really apply to chat-up lines. You must tailor your line to suit the situation. If you meet someone in a supermarket you could say, ‘Do you come shopping here often?’; whereas if you meet someone in a brothel you could just say, ‘Do you come often?’

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Chat-up lines Interesting facts The world’s most popular chat-up line is ‘Mijn lul is grotten dam Amsterdam’. This is because the Dutch guys do more chatting up than anyone else and their dicks are bigger than their capital city (or so they reckon). The most popular English line is ‘Phwoar!’ which means ‘You have pleasant-looking mammaries therefore I would like to shag you’.

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Chat-up lines Hints for beginners Buy a book of chat-up lines and keep it in your back pocket in case you need to come up with an instant witticism like ‘Bet you don’t get many of them to the pound!’, ‘Cracking melons!’ or, for the ladies, ‘Is that a truncheon in your pocket, officer, or has some visual stimulus triggered rapid blood flow into the erectile tissue in your penis?’

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Dating Description Dating is a generic word for the lengthy process that is designed to lead up to a shag. A typical date encompasses a nervous defecation, a shower, new clothes, another defecation and another shower, going out to a restaurant, chatting over a meal and some wine, going back to your place together for more drinks, then disappointment when a shag is refused. 61


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Dating Misconceptions Men commonly believe that when a woman allows a man to pay for a meal she is contractually obliged to shag him within twelve hours of that meal (or before she sobers up, whichever is sooner). This is not true, and it is one area of contract law that needs to be reviewed by the government because men waste millions every year in this manner without getting any.

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Dating Interesting facts In Victorian times, dating could not take place without the presence of a chaperone, now known as a ‘peeping Tom pervert’. The most common venue for a date is the cinema. But parents need not be concerned: watching over all such couples from a dark room with a peephole is a modern day chaperone, or ‘projectionist peeping Tom pervert’. 63


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Dating Hints for beginners To avoid running out of things to talk about on a date, why not take an encyclopaedia with you? Just whip it out and give it a quick thumbing through for inspiration whenever you’re lost for words. Alternatively, why not look inside the encyclopaedia you brought with you for conversation topics?

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Seduction Description The bit at the end of the date when you want to make the transition from ‘just good friends’ to shag partner is called seduction, or making a move. This is when you establish beyond reasonable doubt that it’s time to get your kit off. It is the most feared part of the dating process, and generates more rejections than an X-Factor audition.

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Seduction Misconceptions Men think there are signs that women give off to indicate that their legs are open for business, but these signs are subtle and are easily misinterpreted. All female sexual signs will fall between the two extremes of storming out of the door at the one end, and removing all her clothes at the other. Even in the latter instance you can never really tell for sure.

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Seduction Interesting facts Most seduction is conducted in an alcohol-induced blur, which is complemented by music and candlelight. Stroking your intended shag partner’s hair is an effective seduction method. If they have no hair, try polishing their head affectionately with Mr Sheen and a moist cloth.

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Seduction Hints for beginners Don’t be nervous when it’s time to seduce your date. If they haven’t run away from you by now, chances are they won’t reject your final push towards getting a shag. Remember the three R’s and all will go smoothly: relax them; romance them; roger them senseless.

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Foreplay Description Foreplay is best likened to making bread. The dough needs to be worked through with the fingers until the loaf is ready to be placed in the oven. Or something. To be honest you might as well go out and buy a sandwich.

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Foreplay Misconceptions The word ‘foreplay’ is misleading: it’s work, not play. If you consider it playful to scrub the same small stain on a sofa for hours on end with your bare finger or if you think it’s fun to polish a small test tube that never gets clean, then you’ll enjoy foreplay.

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Foreplay Interesting facts Women require, on average, 1.4 hours of foreplay* before their engine starts to turn over, their lubrication system kicks in and their central locking is released. Men require, on average, thirty seconds of foreplay*. * According to a made-up survey of blokes in the pub who’ve not been getting much from their wives lately.

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Foreplay Hints for beginners You could subcontract this process to specialists, or automate the whole foreplay thing in the interests of speed and efficiency using tools that create pleasurable vibrations, such as mobile phones and electric sanding machines.

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Aphrodisiacs Description When people don’t really feel up to shagging, or they have inadequate sexual stamina that prevents them from shagging for hours on end like normal people, they take an irrelevant and useless potion made from the body parts of an endangered species in order to prolong and enhance their shag experience.

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Aphrodisiacs Misconceptions Slipping an aphrodisiac into someone’s drink doesn’t make them want to shag you, so don’t bother. All it does is increase blood flow and stimulate the heart, making a shag easier to perform, but if they still don’t fancy you it’s not going to make you look any prettier. You need to give them alcohol to achieve that.

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Aphrodisiacs Interesting facts The most commonly used aphrodisiac today (Thursday) is Viagra, which is available through all reputable junk e-mail sources. If all the world’s Viagra-induced erections were lined up next to each other, there would be quite a lot of them.

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Aphrodisiacs Hints for beginners If you’re new to shagging then you probably don’t need any help in the engine department: the excitement and novelty of the experience will see you through. It’s only when you’ve been around the block a few times that you’ll need to add a turbo-charger just to get the same performance you used to enjoy from a carburettor.

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Safe sex Description The catchphrase of the eighties, ‘safe sex’ refers to the act of placing a thin and easily tearable rubber sheath on the penis in order to remove any pleasurable sensation that the man might otherwise derive from the shagging act. Before rubber johnnies were invented men used pig bladders, hessian sacks and hamsters to ensheath their manhoods. 77


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Safe sex Misconceptions Condoms don’t just come in one size. Most brands come in three size options, but due to men’s sensitivity about their wieners these condoms are marketed as ‘large’, ‘very large’, and ‘you’ve got to be kidding – I’ll never get that inside me!’

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Safe sex Interesting facts During World War II, Winston Churchill is alleged to have asked Durex to make 18-inch condoms for soldiers to wrap around their rifles to keep water out of the firing mechanism. For propaganda purposes, he also asked for them to be labelled ‘Made in Britain’, and ‘Medium’.

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Safe sex Hints for beginners It’s important to practise safe sex. Then, once, you’ve mastered it, you can try it for real. For a man to impress a new lady shag partner, he should produce a capacious femidom instead of a condom and tell her it’s the only thing that fits him properly.

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Pleasure spots Description Women have a pleasure spot, a place that always makes them happy. For American women of advanced years, this spot is Las Vegas, where they can enjoy gambling away their pension money into a one-armed bandit whilst rubbing their g-spot against the casino stool.

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Pleasure spots Misconceptions Women think that men don’t have a pleasure spot, but they do. It’s their eyes. Flashing a bit of cleavage in front of a man’s eyes will generate more adrenaline and excitement than a thousand bungey jumps. Equally, men who struggle to locate a real g-spot think that it’s just a legend, something that doesn’t really exist – like a good Guy Ritchie film.

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Pleasure spots Interesting facts Satellite GPS technology can now be used to locate a woman’s pleasure spot to an accuracy of less than a metre. A woman’s pleasure spot is smaller than a very large pea and larger than a very small pea. Once you’ve found the pleasure spot, attach chewing gum, gaffer tape or a little flag on a cocktail stick to it so that you can locate it more easily next time. 83


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Pleasure spots Hints for beginners The best way to hide your ignorance of the location of the gspot is to pretend you’re not looking for it anyway. When groping aimlessly through the tropical rain forest, just say you’re looking for a bit of pepperoni that fell off your pizza earlier. Then if you do find the g-spot by mistake you can say that you knew it was there all along.

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Boobs Description The female mammalian appendage is the most talkedabout subject at male gatherings. Nothing else can attract the same attention as a hint of cleavage or a stretched jumper. Philosophers (male ones, that is) believe tits are a clue to the true meaning of life.

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Shag!

Boobs Misconceptions Man-boobs are not sexy in the same way as their female equivalent, despite what men who are endowed in that way might try to tell you as they slip on their latest strapless bra. Any man who needs support for his chest beyond that which his stomach can provide should not be encouraged to show off any hairy cleavage.

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Boobs Interesting facts Officially, the best job in the world for men is that of the bra designer. He must look at, prod, squeeze (and sometimes lick*) thousands of pairs of tits. And he gets paid for it. Bastard. Other mammal species have more than two tits, and yet bizarrely there are fewer ewe centrefolds on factory walls than there are of women. But it’s a close thing. * According to the author’s fantasies

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Shag!

Boobs Hints for beginners Boobs can be found at the front of the female but, surprisingly, access to this place is only possible by unlocking a protective device at the back of the female. Known as the ‘bra catch’, this is designed to deter intruders. Although it doesn’t provide complete protection, it usually delays the man long enough for the police to arrive.

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Bums Description We sit on them, we make messes on them and we wipe them. But enough about plastic chairs – this section is about the arse, the bum, the buttock, anus and rear end. It’s a vital part of the shag process, but one which is often overlooked in favour of more interesting holes and protrusions.

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Shag!

Bums Misconceptions You don’t need to have a bum to have a shag, some say. Actually, you do. Otherwise, what is the other person going to grip? And if you’re underneath, what are you going to lie or sit on? And if aunt flow is visiting for a week, the bum provides a welcome escape from her constant red rage.

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Bums Interesting facts Large bums don’t appeal to men in the same manner as large tits. Which is a bummer is you’re a bit of a bloater in the arse department. Monkeys use their arses to attract a mate, but if you try to emulate their technique make sure you haven’t followed through after a fart.

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Bums Hints for beginners Don’t neglect the arse when shagging. Even the biggest arsehole likes to be loved. And don’t be alarmed if an American compliments you on your fanny even when you’re dressed. In America, a fanny is an arse, which might explain why so many Yanks are complete fannyholes.

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Equipment needed for a shag A bird A bloke A bed Something to mop up the wet patch Some romantic music A condom A spare condom (for use when the first one splits)

A remote control (so you can turn on the television afterwards without getting up)

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Shag!

Nobs Description The strange pen-like contraption that men keep inside their Y-fronts is known as a nob. It doesn’t really have any purpose other than to make men feel sexually inferior, confused and depressed. But sometimes it wakes up and can do interesting tricks like spitting Tippex into a sock. Not recommended for children’s parties, though.

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Nobs Misconceptions There’s no such thing as a normal nob, allegedly. In fact this is nonsense. All the nobs in the world are normal except yours. A visual stimulus is often thought to be essential to induce erection, but some men naturally wake up with a ‘morning salute’ which is why you might see a toilet fixed to their bathroom ceiling.

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Shag!

Nobs Interesting facts Women think nobs are curious little devices and a source of amusement. If you can fit your nob inside a toilet roll then it’s time to buy a smaller toilet roll.

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Nobs Hints for beginners Nobs can be a little enthusiastic and can pop up at unexpected moments. For this reason it’s advisable always to wear a trilby hat, as this can instantly be hung on the offending member whenever occasion dictates in order to shield any females present from embarrassment and shock.

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Does size matter? Description Sexual organs are like church organs. They need to be blown, they can get dusty with disuse and it’s nice to play with them while a beautiful bride walks past. They also come in difference sizes, and this makes people wonder if bigger means better when it comes to pleasuring their shag partner.

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Does size matter? Misconceptions ‘It’s not how big it is, it’s what you do with it that counts.’ This commonly used phrase has been spouted for years by underendowed people in an attempt to create a false assumption that teeny-weeny is perfectly acceptable-weptable. It isn’t. That’s why the word ‘enlarge’ is now the most common cause of an e-mail being blocked.

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Does size matter? Interesting facts The average penis size is nine inches. Anyone whose erect phallus is shorter than nine inches should rightly feel inadequate, ashamed and unmanly. The average breast size is one and a half handfuls. Anyone whose breasts are smaller than this should be grateful that they won’t be scraping the ground by the time they reach sixty. 100


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Does size matter? Hints for beginners Not many men know this, but you don’t need pills or surgery to get a bigger dick: just by thinking dirty it’s possible to expand your best friend by two or three times. For women it’s even easier to impress: just put six eggs (hard boiled, not scrambled) inside your bra and watch in amazement as men gawp at you uncontrollably.

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Positions Description Believe it or not, there is more than one position from which to shag someone. I can think of as many as two. Your chosen shag position reflects the size of the meal you’ve just eaten, how much you’ve had to drink, and whether your partner is really awake enough to join in properly.

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Positions Misconceptions The ‘missionary’ position is t h o u g h t t o b e n a m e d a ft e r missionaries in Africa who taught tribespeople that this was the only acceptable method of getting their ends away. In fact, this position is only one of dozens of exotic entanglements that were taught, but since most of them involved handcuffs and cream they didn’t catch on in the jungle.

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Shag!

Positions Interesting facts You can shag someone from any position you like, provided their husband or wife doesn’t find out. Dogs have their own favourite position: they like to shag from behind, and this is known as ‘doggy-style’. If you’re a swimming instructor don’t confuse this with ‘doggy paddle’.

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Positions Hints for beginners If you think you’re at risk of emitting an audible fart, whether dry or wet, as a result of a recent meal, opt to go underneath. This will reduce the chances of unwanted eruptions ruining your eroticism. Try also to ensure that both of you (or all of you) know which position is being attempted.

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Shag!

Kama Sutra Description The Kama Sutra is a kind of medieval wank mag, created to titillate men at a time when there was no pole dancing, no adult channels and no Internet. The book pretended to be educational and serious, although if that were so it’s likely that the pages wouldn’t have been quite so sticky.

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Kama Sutra Misconceptions Some still believe this is a serious book, which is a point of view much harder to defend these days now that the latest editions contain dirty photos in place of the original dirty drawings.

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Kama Sutra Interesting facts The world into which the Kama Sutra was born was not only more prudish than today’s, but also more silly. It was considered immoral for the artist to draw nude models, so a sculptor was called in to study the nudes closely and sculpt life-like versions of them, from which the sordid drawings could be made.

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Kama Sutra Hints for beginners The Kama Sutra is a shag manual, but it’s a bit more advanced than this one. Only use it once you’ve mastered the basics because some of the positions it recommends require a bit more effort than you’re likely to want to put in after a few pints. It also assumes that it’s warm enough not to need to remain under the duvet all the time.

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Orgasm Description The culmination of the shag act is called an orgasm. For a man, this is the moment, usually following about thirty seconds of humping, when he can no longer hold back his sex wee. For a woman, it is the moment that she remembers she’s supposed to be enjoying it and lets out a fairly unconvincing yelp of pleasure.

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Orgasm Misconceptions Multiple orgasms are the Holy Grail of shagging, a chain reaction of ecstatic moments that people dream of achieving. But this leads to disappointment because multiple orgasms can only be achieved by those who are very good at really dirty sex, such as pop stars, children’s television presenters and members of the clergy.

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Orgasm Interesting facts If you could harness the energy released in all the orgasms that take place every night throughout the world, you could power the porn industry of a small nation for a year. The shortest time it has ever taken a man to orgasm is three seconds. The shortest time it has ever taken a woman to orgasm is three hours.

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Orgasm Hints for beginners To achieve orgasm, it’s recommended that you indulge in shagging and think about whatever turns you on: tits, muscles, furry animals, etc. To delay orgasm, simply don’t shag. Or if you’re already shagging, think about turn-offs such as concrete mixers, local politics and Jade Goody.

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Faking orgasm Description Not everyone can achieve orgasm, but they don’t want their shag partner to feel sexually inadequate so they fake an orgasm. For women this involves reciting the noises from the ‘I’ll have what she’s having’ scene from When Harry Met Sally. For men this involves the insertion of a perforated sachet of mayonnaise into the condom.

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Faking orgasm Misconceptions It has been claimed by reputable men-in-pub sources that women fake all of their orgasms. This is not quite true: they don’t fake all of them. Evidence suggests that women only fake their orgasms when in bed with their husbands (once they get back from the pub). When they shag anyone else the screams are genuine.

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Faking orgasm Interesting facts Men are more gratified by their female shag partner ’s fake orgasms than by the real thing. Bespectacled scientists in white coats measured the effect on the male of a real female orgasmic scream and compared it to that of a fake one, before being discovered under the bed and being chased out of the house.

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Faking orgasm Hints for beginners Pant loudly like a dog, groan deeply like a whale, grunt roughly like a pig. Howl like a wolf, purr like a cat, relax like a sloth. Then, once you’ve finished auditioning as a children’s presenter, try shagging someone and faking an orgasm before they get a chance to fake it themselves.

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The wet patch Description The act of shagging involves the spilling of various fluids. Beer, wine and curry sauce are the most common spillages in connection with attempts to persuade someone to indulge in bodily coupling. A successful shag will release a further patch of unpleasantness in the middle of the bed which will stay damp until it goes crispy.

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The wet patch Misconceptions Lying on the edge of the bed after a shag is believed to be a safe haven from the wet patch, but this only works until you fall asleep and turn over. Some crisp manufacturers are rumoured to use cut up, dried student bedsheets instead of fried potato slices, but this isn’t true. They couldn’t get the students out of bed in the first place.

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The wet patch Interesting facts If you shag under water, you get a dry patch instead of a wet one. If you shag in orbit, you get spunky switches that will attract dust and bits of food during your voyage. If all the wet patches in the world’s beds were poured into the Mediterranean Sea, no one would want to water-ski in it any more.

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The wet patch Hints for beginners Push your partner into the wet patch immediately after its creation. Rub them vigorously all over the patch until their skin has absorbed the worst of the dick slick. If they have the cheek to complain, tell them it’s a good form of moisturiser.

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Top 10 words for shagging 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.


Bonking Shafting Rooting Nobbing Rogering Tonking Porking Dorking Fornication Sexual intercourse

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Top 10 alternatives to shagging 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.


Blow job Mud jousting Rug munching Tossing the salad Burning the toast Shallow frying Cheese dipping Oven cleaning Washing up Watching breakfast telly

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Dos and Don’ts Do: Always wear a condom. Especially when shagging. Always get permission from the person who pays the bill. Use non-toxic plasticine. Use blunt scissors. Consider your neighbours – they might be up for a shag, too.


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Dos and Don’ts Don’t: Shag underwater – it’s not nice for the other swimmers using the pool. Shag anyone without asking their name first – it’s impolite. Expect to shag like a professional the first time. Expect any change from fifty quid. Channel hop too much during the shag.


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ISBN 1-905102-03-8, £2.99


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ISBN 1-905102-17-8, £2.99


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All Crombie Jardine books are available from High Street bookshops, Amazon or Bookpost (P.O. Box 29, Douglas, Isle of Man, IM99 1BQ. Tel: 01624 677237, Fax: 01624 670923, Email: [email protected]. Postage and packing free within the UK).

www.crombiejardine.com


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