Crombie Jardine PUBLISHING LIMITED www.crombiejardine.com This edition was first published by Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2006 Copyright © 2006, Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
ISBN 1-905102-34-8 Written by Marc Blake Cover design by Stewart Ferris Printed and bound in the United Kingdom by William Clowes Ltd, Beccles, Suffolk
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CONTENTS INDUSTRIES CONTAINING A MINIMUM OF 80% TWATS ... 7 WHY SUPERMODELS ARE TWATS... ................................. 8 WHY FOOTBALLERS ARE TWATS... ................................. 10 WHY ACTORS ARE PRATS... ............................................ 12 WHY POLITICIANS ARE TWATS... .................................... 14 WHY TV PUNDITS ARE TWATS... ..................................... 16 HOW TO SPOT TWATS WHO HAVE HAD ‘WORK’ DONE 18 ‘PROFESSIONALS’ WHO WORK WITH TWATS ................ 20 HELLO! SYNONYMS FOR RUTTING LIKE FERAL DOGS ON HEAT 22 HOW MUCH OF A CELEBRITY TWAT IS SHE? ................. 24 HOW MUCH OF A CELEBRITY TWAT IS HE? ................... 28 TWAT NAMES ..................................................................... 31 CELEBRITY NAMES STILL AVAILABLE FOR PRAT BABIES 32 RUBBISH DVD ‘EXTRAS’ ................................................... 34 WHEN TWATS MARRY ...................................................... 38 CELEBRITY MARRIAGES THAT LASTED A YEAR ............ 40 CELEBRITY MARRIAGES THAT LASTED TWO DAYS ...... 43 SIGNS THAT YOUR TWATTING POP CAREER IS OVER . 44 SIGNS THAT THE CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIP IS OVER 46 CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIP CURVE ................................ 49 LIES ABOUT MOVIES AND WHAT THEY MEAN ............... 50 FILM STAR INTERVIEW QUESTIONS AND WHAT THEY MEAN 52 BIZARRE TWAT RELIGIONS .............................................. 56 CELEBRITY PRAT CLOTHES ............................................ 57 CELEBRITY PRAT MANNERISMS ..................................... 58
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THANKS FROM THE PODIUM AND WHAT IT REALLY MEANS ...................................................................... 59 CELEB ADJECTIVES EXPLAINED ..................................... 62 KEEPING IT REAL: RAP .................................................... 64 CELEBRITY WISDOM ........................................................ 66 DO IT YOURSELF CELEBRITY TWAT ARTICLE…. ........... 68 CELEBRITY LISTS ............................................................. 70 CELEBRITY PRAT RIGHTS AND WRONGS ...................... 71 CELEBRITY MAXIMS ......................................................... 72 TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR DIET IS OUT OF CONTROL… .. 75 SOUND BITES THAT WE WILL NEVER HEAR .................. 78 CELEBRITY MAXIMS 2: THE REVENGE ........................... 82 “SPECIAL THANKS TO…” TWAT STUFF THEY WRITE ON THE CD ..................................................................... 86 HOW TO ACT LIKE A CELEBRITY TWAT ........................... 90 THE BIGGEST CELEBRITY LIE ......................................... 92 AND 7 MORE FOR GOOD MEASURE ............................... 93 THE A-Z OF CELEBRITY TWATTAGE ................................ 94 CELEBRITY BABIES… ..................................................... 101 YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH WORK DONE WHEN… .... 103 WHAT PRATS SAY… WHAT PRATS MEAN … ................ 106 RECORD COMPANY PUBLICITY PRATTAGE ................. 110 GOOD THINGS REALITY TV HAS DONE… .................... 112 NOTES FOR TV PRESENTER TWATS! ........................... 115 REALITY SHOWS WE’D ACTUALLY LIKE TO SEE ......... 118 IF ALL ELSE FAILS… ....................................................... 120 AFTERWORD ................................................................... 121
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FOREWORD There are twats everywhere: your boss, the guy you work with, your in-laws, your friends – even you might be a twat. But the real twats are those people on TV who won’t get out of your face: Celebrity twats Former politicians. Spitroasting footballers, reality TV show contestants. Boy bands, 5
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vacuous actors, ‘it’ girls, skeletal Supermodels… It’s the barrel-scraping twats of ‘D’ list fame; the disgraced, the dumb and the dumbed down who need namin’ and shamin’ for being complete and utter PRATS & TWATS!
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INDUSTRIES CONTAINING A MINIMUM OF 80% TWATS Rap/Rock Film Meeja Fashion
✰
✰
Politics Sport IT 7
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WHY SUPERMODELS ARE TWATS... Being 6 feet and as thin as a twiglet does not constitute a superpower.
Read their lips on the catwalk. ‘Left, right, left…’
Cocaine is not a food group. 8
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Smiling and pouting is not a hard day’s work. Rehab is not a Muslim garment. The answer to the question ‘Why are we here?’ is not ‘For the free shoes and drugs.’ Air kissing is not a real greeting unless you are French. 9
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WHY FOOTBALLERS ARE TWATS... You cannot give 110% to anything. At the end of the day it gets dark. Of course it’s a game of two halves.
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Conceding a goal is still losing 1-nil.
Putting on the pressure is still fouling.
Match fit does not mean a spit roast in your hotel the night before.
Roy Keane.
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WHY ACTORS ARE PRATS... It’s not rocket science, it’s pretending.
Most of your job involves hanging around for vast sums of money.
You are nothing without a decent script. 12
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Getting into ‘character’ means funny accent, funny wig.
Everybody is not ‘super to work with’. They are tolerating you because they have to.
You are all dispensable.
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WHY POLITICIANS ARE TWATS... Spending more time with your family means your ‘new’ family.
‘I’ve always maintained this position’ refers to one of wheedling and lying.
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The ‘facts’ of the matter are spurious statistics. The ‘honourable member’ ought to be kept in your pants. ‘Tough choices’ never affect you, you rich twat. Everything you say and do is a denial or a smokescreen.
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WHY TV PUNDITS ARE TWATS...
You are an expert in WHAT exactly?
We are not watching for your ‘hilarious’ anecdotes.
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Everyone has an opinion. All you have is a better agent. If you need a caption for your profession – you don’t have one. 100 Best Telly NosePicking moments has not ‘captured the mood of the nation’.
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HOW TO SPOT TWATS WHO HAVE HAD ‘WORK’ DONE They claim it’s a new diet. They get a new boyfriend/ husband to go with the new breasts. Faint marker-pen lines.
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Eyebrows fixed in a permanent rictus of shock. They have no facial expression whatsoever. They recoil from an air-kiss. No earlobes. Nostrils too small to ingest powder. 19
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‘PROFESSIONALS’ WHO WORK WITH TWATS Nail technicians
✮
Beauty therapists
✮
Stylists (house, garden, hair, dog)
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Psychics and/or healers
✮ ✮
Yoga instructors Celebrity doctors/ gynaecologists
✮
Gym instructors/ sex partners
✮
Stalkers
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HELLO! SYNONYMS FOR RUTTING LIKE FERAL DOGS ON HEAT ‘Spotted together’
✰ ‘Whirlwind romance’
✰
‘Romantically linked’
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‘Getting to know each other’
✰ ‘Getting cosy’
✰ ‘Are taking things slowly at the moment’
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HOW MUCH OF A CELEBRITY TWAT IS SHE? Measures her fame in column inches.
Complains about stalkers, because she doesn’t have one.
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Forgets who her on/off relationship is supposed to be with this week.
Has blonde moments.
Says ‘It’s just great to be nominated’.
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Says ‘You like me… you really like me’ (what a Gwyneth!).
Has a designer baby as an accessory.
Claims to have given birth without painkillers.
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And then shrinks back to a size eight within a week.
Stages regular comebacks with ever more outrageous costumes.
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HOW MUCH OF A CELEBRITY PRAT IS HE? Sports obscure Celtic, Aramaic or badly spelt tattoos.
Has an entourage that contains big black guys solely for street cool.
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Insists on being called by one name (yes you Bonio!)
Informs the papers when he’s going jogging.
Has any kind of haircut that resembles a fin.
Claims to be ‘actually quite shy’. 29
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Denies bisexuality when Popbitch and Holy Moly have been exposing it for months.
Likes to ‘party’ i.e. enjoys cocaine.
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TWAT NAMES
✮
Clarissa Trinny Tara Gordon Jordan Paris Darius Sudoku
★ 31
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CELEBRITY NAMES STILL AVAILABLE FOR PRAT BABIES Spatula Heimlich Fungus Ratatouille
✭
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Streatham Heston
★
Spavin Orange Pippin Orinoco Weetabix
★ 33
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RUBBISH DVD ‘EXTRAS’ Director’s commentary
The same film but with an autistic fan-boy gibbering in the background.
Deleted scenes
There’s a reason why they did not make the final cut. They’re shite.
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Director’s cut
The beardy man’s version – twice as long and twice as dull as the studio-released flick.
Easter eggs
Oh, big surprise for all that effort in finding them.
Cast biogs
A list of the other embarrassingl y crap films the star s appeared in.
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Language selection
My sole reason for buying this DVD was to learn Mandarin or Flemish.
Storyboard
The cartoon version of the story.
Costumes
Unless it’s women in skin tight latex, what’s the point?
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Animated menu
In a restaurant I don’t expect the waiter to dance the sodding menu for me, do I?
‘Making of’ documentary
You will watch this once. It will destroy your subsequent enjoyment of the film.
Blooper reel
Actors fucking about and fucking up. Fuck off.
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WHEN TWATS MARRY … thankfully making two people miserable instead of four David and Victoria Jordan and Peter
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Jude and Sienna
Cameron and Justin
Richard and Judy
Courtney Love and anyone 39
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CELEBRITY MARRIAGES THAT LASTED A YEAR Carrie Fisher to Paul Simon in 1983
Courtney Love to James Moreland in 1989
Drew Barrymore to Jeremy Thomas in 1994 40
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Elizabeth Taylor to Conrad Hilton Jr. 1950
Eminem to Kim Mathers in 1999
Geena Davis to Richard Emmolo in 1982
Janet Jackson to James DeBarge in 1984 41
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Jennifer Lopez to Ojani Noa in 1997
Robin Givens to Mike Tyson in 1988
Shannen Doherty to Ashley Hamilton in 1993
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CELEBRITY MARRIAGES THAT LASTED TWO DAYS Britney Spears married Jason Allen Alexander in 2004. The marriage was annulled a whole two days later.
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SIGNS THAT YOUR TWATTING POP CAREER IS OVER You ‘concentrate on other projects’.
★ You change your record company.
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Your last single topped the charts… in the Ukraine.
★
You slag off X Factor for the column inches.
★
You have ‘creative differences’ with your producer.
★
You say ‘I still have a record deal’.
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SIGNS THAT THE CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIP IS OVER A denial is issued by the PR Company.
Tabloid gossip begins ‘according to tabloid gossip’.
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You make public appearances together.
Rumours about the state of the marriage come from ‘friends’, ‘insiders’ and ‘a source’.
You are spotted leaving the tattoo-removal parlour. 47
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You are seen with a ‘mystery blonde’.
You appear on red carpets…thousands of miles apart.
You are ‘consoled by a close friend’.
The ‘close friend’ is of the same sex. 48
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CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIP CURVE Repeat every six months
Meet Shag
Divorce
Marry
Dump wife or husband Move in with new partner
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LIES ABOUT MOVIES AND WHAT THEY MEAN A great script. We’ve fired the writer.
A dream to work with. He locked himself in his trailer.
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I really felt for the character. Tears of joy at getting £14m.
Based on a true story. We put an American in to get funding.
The motion picture event of the year. Not this year. 51
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FILM STAR INTERVIEW QUESTIONS AND WHAT THEY MEAN What’s the new movie about? Same old shit or are you wearing a wig this time?
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Did you identify with the character? Let’s see how vain you really are…
Do you watch your old movies? You’ve made some right turkeys in the past.
This role seems an odd choice for you? Couldn’t you get the lead role? 53
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Was it hard preparing for the role? How was the trailer?
You’ve worked with this director twice now… Will no one else hire you?
What’s the movie you’re most proud of? You used to make good films. Remind me…? 54
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What was it like working with your co-star? What was it like sleeping with your co-star?
How do you feel when you read the press? That salacious rumour is not going away.
What’s next in the pipeline? Got any more work or are you off to the theatre? 55
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BIZARRE TWAT RELIGIONS Anything with Shakras
✮
Raiki Scientology Sufi Sudoku Buddhism Bulimia
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CELEBRITY PRAT CLOTHES ‘That dress.’ What dress? It’s mostly made from boob.
★
Monkey fur coat. It looked better on the monkey, actually.
★
Sunglasses. Indoors? Do all celebrities have over-sensitive retinas? 57
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CELEBRITY PRAT MANNERISMS Punching the first photographer they see when arriving at Heathrow.
★
Covering their face with a towel when putting out the rubbish each morning.
★
Getting angry when not spotted at the airport or when putting out rubbish. 58
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THANKS FROM THE PODIUM AND WHAT IT REALLY MEANS This is not for me. This is so for ME.
✭ So many people to thank. Those who can further my career.
59
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The Academy. Or they will never consider me again.
✭
The film makers. I never spoke to any of them.
✭ My beautiful co-star. We shagged, fought, denied it all.
✭ My director. Who made Hitler seem like a fun guy. 60
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My wife. Who put up with my absence/whoring for THREE months.
✭ The producer. Who has my ass in a vice.
✭
My fellow nominees. Losers…losers…LOSERS!!!
✭
The writer. Yeah, right.
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CELEB ADJECTIVES EXPLAINED Thin Troubled
✮
Love bird Love child
Over the moon Out of control
Glowing Tired 62
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In love In rehab
Svelte Skeletal
✮
Brave Frail
Newly wed Quickie divorce
Trophy wife Estranged wife
Gorgeous Grief-stricken 63
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KEEPING IT REAL: RAP You are no longer a rap artist when… Your Homies drive stretch Golf carts. You have been shot more than once. You advertise bling for Asprey’s. You duet with a white guy.
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Your last album failed to get a parental advisory sticker. You are seen in a drive-thru not a drive-by. You get more for your teeth on eBay than for your car. You fail to get into this years’ Ho’s Ho. You are Eminem. You drop the sugar and the puff and the daddy and now you’re just daddy passing the sugar puffs.
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CELEBRITY WISDOM ‘Mystery blonde’ sounds better than ‘adulterous bitch’.
★ Botox will freeze your expression for years. Try not to have it done at the moment they hand you the bill.
★ Celebs fear anonymity, prison and carbohydrates.
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Acceptance speeches should be like children. Short and hysterical.
★
An ‘exclusive’ is what you give to journalists…every 15 mins, 25 times a day.
★
Real love is closer than you think, sometimes as close as a mirror.
★
Celeb nightmare: economy class.
★ ‘Celebrity’ is the gap between wannabe and has-been. 67
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DO IT YOURSELF CELEBRITY TWAT ARTICLE… Brave .................. weight battle........... we can reveal........... shocked America......... a personal goal......... life changes............ private shame........... 68
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friends are asking...... career has taken a back seat.................... nervous exhaustion...... a source says........... left alone to live her life.................... amazing new look!
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CELEBRITY LISTS
A List
Parties are thrown in your honour.
B List
You blag your way into A list parties.
C List
You blag your way into B List parties.
D List
You say you were at the A list party.
Z List
You are Peter André. 70
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CELEBRITY PRAT RIGHTS AND WRONGS Right 5
Wrong 7
Asprey’s Prada Bloomingdales New York Tiara Versace Jimmy Choo Coke Krug Cristal
Argos Primark Budgens Newcastle Tracksuit Velour Clarks Crack Kronenburg Babycham 71
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CELEBRITY MAXIMS If at first you don’t succeed – pray for a sequel.
✭ If there’s no biz like showbiz how come 90% of actors are not working?
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Don’t ever tick the box marked no publicity.
✭ Don’t let money become your only motivation. Don’t forget revenge…
✭
Get away from the glare of publicity. Host a show on Channel 5. 73
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Work your way up from the bottom: this does not necessarily mean anal.
✭ Don’t put all your eggs in one basket or if you do, don’t give the basket to your agent.
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TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR DIET IS OUT OF CONTROL… Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss are sending you food parcels.
You have to run around in the shower to get wet.
You have a VPL – visible pelvis line. 75
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You shop in the children’s section.
Old Nazis look at you wistfully.
You haven’t the strength to hold the cigarette/ rolled up tenner. 76
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You are terrified of pancakes, bread or chips.
Your idea of binge eating is a crouton and a raisin.
You fear drains.
The Sunday Times asks to photograph you with flies in your eyes. 77
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SOUND BITES THAT WE WILL NEVER HEAR
‘That’s waaaay too much money for so little work...’
★ 78
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‘I know – it’s brilliant! It’s a role in a made-forTV movie…’
★ ‘I have nothing in the pipeline.’
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‘He was a cunting cunt to work with.’
★ ‘Charity? Bollocks to that!’
★ ‘Let’s not use lawyers…’ 80
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‘The rumours are all true. I fuck trees. Ooh you dirty little sapling.’
★ ‘That sick child is not ugly enough for me to appear with.’
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CELEBRITY MAXIMS 2: THE REVENGE
An apple a day is more than a model eats in a week.
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Fame is a fickle mistress… which makes Abi Titmuss very famous indeed.
Good PR will sort out the fact from the fiction... and print the fiction. 83
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Have a famous husband…. preferably someone else’s.
In the future everyone will be famous... for being famous for fifteen minutes.
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When you kiss and tell, first stow away heavy objects, like lawyers.
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“SPECIAL THANKS TO…” TWAT STUFF THEY WRITE ON THE CD Mum and Dad. (For keeping out of the papers.)
✮ The greats. (i.e. the black blues players whose ideas I ripped off.)
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My chiropractor/ homeopath/ acupuncturist. (I am in PAIN.)
✮ God and Jack Daniels. (Not in that order.)
✮ Fender, Les Paul and Gibson Guitars. Zildjian cymbals. Marshall amps. (Because they give them to me free.) 87
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The Record Company. (Please give me another deal.)
✮ The Studio, for ‘sonic brilliance’. (Drugs and patience.)
✮ Obscure people with nicknames. Crocodile. Rita the footeater. Tremendous Brian. (They have the cellphone images.)
88
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The manager. (Or I might find myself in the trunk of a car…)
✮ All our fans who put us where we are. (Please stop downloading.)
✮ The road crew. (For procuring the finest hookers, jailbait and chemicals.)
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HOW TO ACT LIKE A CELEBRITY TWAT In a lift you preen in the mirror and ask ‘…Penthouse?’ You sign for a parcel asking ‘…and who shall I make it out to?’ You wear shades in bed.
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You pat your pregnant wife’s stomach as proof of your fertility. You make your home look like an art gallery, surrounded by guards and full of expensive rubbish. You make an impromptu acceptance speech to the postman. You throw a wobbly in a fish and chip shop because you ‘cannot tolerate carbs’. 91
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THE BIGGEST CELEBRITY LIE
‘I can’t find a partner.’
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AND 7 MORE FOR GOOD MEASURE ‘I had never watched the show before I was invited on.’
★
‘I like to spend time with my family.’ ‘We’re really happy.’ ‘I have no comment.’
‘I hate the paparazzi.’ ‘What do I like in a man? Humour and sensitivity.’ ‘I’m not graceful… I’m really clumsy.’
★ 93
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THE A-Z OF CELEBRITY TWATTAGE Accessories
Belt, shoes, baby.
Bulimia
★
The only way her colon will see meat is if she does anal.
Cell phone
Direct line to publicist, AA and anorexia helpline.
★
★ 94
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Drug habit
★
Eyeballs dilated. Nostrils flaring, septum missing.
Entourage
PR, A&R, leeches, other scum and agents.
Flying
Never seen anywhere other than Club Class.
Gucci
★
First word said to celeb baby.
★ 95
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Hangers-on
Family members who have the negatives.
★
Jetlag
Coke lag.
Ketamine
★
Horse tranquiliser. Use in case of emergency – if sleeping with Darius, Chico or Jade.
Luggage
Minimal. The drugs are in the nanny’s stomach.
★
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Makeup
Too much. Trowel for Mrs Beckham, please…
Names
★
The more names the lower the I.Q. E.g. Tara-Pratter-Tomkinson Hugh Fernley–Prattingstall Laurence Llewelyn-Praten
★
Operation scars
Too posh to push. Your stomach looks like a letterbox.
★ 97
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Publicist
Always to hand if you need a comment from a ‘close friend’.
★
Queue
Never ever queue.
Red carpet
There’s even one in front of your cat door.
Shiatsu
★
A dog? A massage? As long as it sounds oriental it’s cool.
★ 98
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Tattoo
★
Men – Celtic blarney. Women – arse, ankle or shoulder. Compulsory.
Ugly
God gave us plastic surgery. There is no excuse.
Versace
★
Famous fashion designer. Shoots you, sir.
Walk
★
Always teeter. Flat shoes are for civilians and lesbians.
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Xxx
What you did before X Factor.
Y Factor
What we think of X Factor contestants.
Zip
★
Zip and tuck…could be the next fashionable op?
★
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CELEBRITY BABIES… Nappies by Stella McCartney.
4 by 4 buggies.
Christening present is a coke spoon.
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Their first words: ‘Mummy’s in rehab’.
Parenting by nannies, then step-parents then therapist.
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YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH WORK DONE WHEN… Michael Jackson starts to look normal.
You cannot go near a radiator.
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You cannot swim underwater because you contain too much saline. Joan Rivers starts making jokes about you. Every time you smile your ears pop. 104
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Your testicles look like marbles.
Anal bleaching isn’t going far enough.
You use words like ‘inner beauty’ and ‘peace’.
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WHAT PRATS SAY… WHAT PRATS MEAN…
A man’s man Gay
✭ A girly girl Likes shopping
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Broke down Phoned his/her publicist
✭ Friends rallied round Publicists worked all night to spin story
✭ My friends are my family I disowned my real family 107
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Girl next door glamour Ugly
✭ Trademark style Jeans and a bare midriff
✭
A brave face A coked-up face
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Picking up the pieces Up for meaningless sex
✭ Thrown herself into her work Grabs all she can before celebrity expires
✭ 109
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DECODING RECORD COMPANY PUBLICITY PRATTAGE The defining record of the decade The defining record of the week
Word of mouth sensation We pay students to say nice things 110
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Committed to touring Committed to working off the huge advance
Eclectic style Tuneless
Breaking the rules of rock Tuneless nonsense
Has a dance element Fearless bandwagon jumpers 111
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GOOD THINGS REALITY TV HAS DONE… Taught Chavs to use a bandsaw…
Matched verbally abusive husbands with obnoxious bitches. 112
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Proved that we really can’t be arsed to cook.
Directed dysfunctional people toward a full mental breakdown.
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Lowered the price of unsaleable homes by painting walls the colour of vomit.
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NOTES FOR TV PRESENTER TWATS! Stop telling us what’s coming up and provide some actual content!
It’s not stone, barley or pale ochre – its fucking beige!
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Stop emphasizing all the wrong words.
Don’t pretend that £500 of MDF and a few tassels is a makeover when it’s a stage set. 116
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Stop telling people how they ought to feel.
Stop trying to make a silk babe out of a sow.
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REALITY SHOWS WE’D ACTUALLY LIKE TO SEE Death Row Cuisine
★
Changing Organs
★
Cannibal Cook-Out
★
Knife Swap
★
I’ve Been Shot!
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I’m a Former Celebrity – Leave Me in the Jungle
★
Fuck me? Fuck you!
★
Big Baghdad Brother
★
Plop Idol
★
Pond Swap
★
Xxx Factor
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IF ALL ELSE FAILS… Stop being a prat and get a real job!
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AFTERWORD Marc Blake is neither a prat nor a twat. A comedian and comedy writer, he once ticked the box marked ‘no publicity’ and has been suffering for it ever since. He has had the privilege of working with celebrity prats, twats and even agents and has found them without exception to be the wittiest and most
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attractive people in their own minds. He can be seen in the pages of ‘Owoite’ Magazine (south London’s Hello) or found on his website www.marcblake.net, where he lives.
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ISBN 1-905102-21-6, £2.99
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ISBN 1-905102-03-8, £2.99
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ISBN 1-905102-17-8, £2.99
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ISBN 1-905102-01-1, £2.99
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ISBN 1-905102-20-8, £2.99
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If you enjoyed reading this book and have any comments to make, or suggestions for other Little Books, please email us at:
[email protected]. All our books are available from High Street bookshops, Amazon or Bookpost (P.O. Box 29, Douglas, Isle of Man, IM99 1BQ. Tel: 01624 677237, Fax: 01624 670923, Email:
[email protected]. Postage and packing free within the UK). www.crombiejardine.com
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