ON SECOND THOUGHTS Copyright © Simon Brett 2006 Illustrations by Wendy Hutton All rights reserved. The right of Simon Brett to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. Condition of Sale This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP UK www.summersdale.com Printed and bound in Great Britain ISBN: 1-84024-547-6 ISBN: 978-1-84024-547-9
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To Chris Hutton, an eminence grise
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CONTENTS INTRODUCTION THOMAS À BECKET ADAM PRINCE ALBERT JEFFREY ARCHER KING ARTHUR JANE AUSTEN BANQUO BARTHOLDI SAMUEL BECKETT LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN HILAIRE BELLOC JOHN BETJEMAN TONY BLAIR ENID BLYTON BONO JAMES BOSWELL EMILY BRONTË ANITA BROOKNER DAN BROWN JOHN BUNYAN GEORGE W. BUSH LORD BYRON JULIUS CAESAR SIMON CALLOW DAVID CAMERON KING CANUTE CASANOVA’S SECRETARY NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN RAYMOND CHANDLER GEOFFREY CHAUCER AGATHA CHRISTIE JEREMY CLARKSON SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE PATRICIA CORNWELL E. E. CUMMINGS DANTE LEONARDO DA VINCI DEC JUDI DENCH CHARLES DICKENS DIDO
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ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE JAMES DYSON T. S. ELIOT QUEEN ELIZABETH I TRACEY EMIN LORD NORMAN FOSTER BARON VON FRANKENSTEIN SIGMUND FREUD BOB GELDOF HUGH GRANT FRANS HALS ROGER HARGREAVES ERNEST HEMINGWAY HENRY V HENRY VIII HERCULES HEREWARD THE WAKE PARIS HILTON ADOLF HITLER GERARD MANLEY HOPKINS TED HUGHES JACK THE RIPPER BORIS JOHNSON JORDAN FRANZ KAFKA JOHN KEATS JOHN F. KENNEDY RUDYARD KIPLING LORD KITCHENER JOHN LE CARRÉ EARL LEOFRIC ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER PETER MANDELSON ALEXANDER MCCALL SMITH PAUL MCCARTNEY GILLIAN MCKEITH IAN MCKELLEN MICHELANGELO JONATHAN MILLER JOHN MILTON PIET MONDRIAN COLIN MONTGOMERIE MOSES EDVARD MUNCH HENRY NEWBOLT
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67 68 69 72 73 74 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116
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ISAAC NEWTON NIKE HEADQUARTERS NOSTRADAMUS WILFRED OWEN REV. IAN PAISLEY DAVE PELZER PENELOPE PICASSO HAROLD PINTER JACKSON POLLOCK ALEXANDER POPE PYTHAGORAS QUASIMODO RAMESES II CLIFF RICHARD RICHARD III ANITA RODDICK PETER MARK ROGET JONATHAN ROSS ANTONIO SALIERI SALOME CAPTAIN SCOTT GEORGES SEURAT WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE REV. W. A. SPOONER H. M. STANLEY PHILIPPE STARCK GEORGE STEPHENSON ROD STEWART ALAN SUGAR DAVID TENNANT ALFRED LORD TENNYSON DYLAN THOMAS J. R. R. TOLKIEN LEO TOLSTOY LYNNE TRUSS CAROL VORDERMAN ISAAK WALTON ANDY WARHOL OSCAR WILDE WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR VIRGINIA WOOLF WILLIAM WORDSWORTH CHRISTOPHER WREN THE WRIGHT BROTHERS
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INTRODUCTION We live in a disposable culture. Never before have more things been thrown away. But, as sociologists and psychologists know, what we throw away is frequently very revealing about ourselves. Tabloid editors employ specialist garbage-sifters literally to get the dirt on the famous. And that’s what this book contains – items which, for one reason or another, the famous might have thrown away. Now the one thing we all know about rubbish these days is that it has to be recycled, so, doing the proper thing by the environment, I have incorporated into this book the pick of material from an earlier volume which was published under the title The Wastepaper Basket Archive. But that has been brought up to date with lots more good stuff – letters, sketches, early drafts and deleted e-mails. Here you will find the litter of the literati, along with rejects from the worlds of royalty, politics, science, visual art, music, theatre, television and many others. Exhaustive research and state-of-the-art retrieval methods have made it possible to present to the public this unique collection of private papers. Some of it is just the detritus of the famous. And a lot is stuff that ‘seemed a good idea at the time’. Until someone thought: ‘Oooh… On second thoughts… maybe not.’ Simon Brett
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THOMAS À BECKET
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ADAM
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PRINCE ALBERT
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JEFFREY ARCHER
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KING ARTHUR
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JANE AUSTEN
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BANQUO
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BARTHOLDI
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SAMUEL BECKETT
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LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN
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HILAIRE BELLOC
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JOHN BETJEMAN
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TONY BLAIR
.US) ALOFFICE.GOV (GEORGE@OV UK V. GEORGE BUSH REVER.GO NUMBERTENFO TO : FROM: GEOR REVER.GOV.UK NUMBERTENFO >TO : TONY@ AN > SUBJECT: IR :03:59 +0000 12 APR 2006 09 , > DATE: WED EN THINKING > TONY, I’VE BE CLEAR. NU SOLUTION IS THINK? U > WHAT DO YO > YOURS, > GEORGE
T THE R THE MOMEN IRAN, AND FO A LOT ABOUT
PROPER
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ENID BLYTON
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BONO
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JAMES BOSWELL
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EMILY BRONTË
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ANITA BROOKNER
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DAN BROWN
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JOHN BUNYAN
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GEORGE W. BUSH
HEAVEN RY 14 JANUA
2006
SH, IDENT BU OF MY WORD, S E R P R DEA DER OW THAT VID REA N A Y N B A S W A E ULD KNO MY NAM YOU SHO LIKE TO HAVE T A T AND TH I DO NO VAIN, AND I DEM UT THAT O N I B A N E T I K A G T P PUTTIN CTION FOR ANY N YOU STO A S OR E MY LITARY I M , S YOU HAV N ONTINUE R ACTIO OF YOU . SHOULD YOU C MOURS, U L POLITICA MINATE SUCH R (WHICH E TH TO DISS MY WRA L E E F PRETTY L L IS S E YOU WI E R AG TO MAKE E EVERYON IGHTY). IF I WISH ON ANY M U DAMNED S KNOWN TO YO T IT, E OW ABOU ND, N K L MY WISH L I WI , YOU W MIGHTY G N SUBJECT I L H S U Y R L SMAL EITHER B BUSH OR STIL SUCH A E BURNING TIL YOU RECEIV ILL YOU N W , U E . VOICE FROM M N O I T A C ING THAT I COMMUN SIST FROM CLAIM TY FOR I E PLEASE D NY RESPONSIBIL U THINK A O Y IF D N I HAVE A . S P PING CK-U UB-THUM ING T E YOUR CO H T G TO IS GO LISTENIN LIGIOUS RIGHT THE RE ONE OF T E G OF THE U O RE Y FATHER’S TO ENSU SIONS IN YOUR OU’RE IN AN Y M , E Y I N D A M R HEN YOU SE. NEVE HOUSE W Y NASTY SURPRI C NGEAN E R FOR A VE ONNY, WHOSE VE S FORGET, TO SS SLOW E L H IS. C U ERY M YOURS V AN USUAL, H ANGER T
GOD
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LORD BYRON
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JULIUS CAESAR
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SIMON CALLOW
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DAVID CAMERON
WESTMINSTER CENTR AL
LIBR ARY
OVERDUE BOOKS DEPAR TMENT DEAR : MR CAMERON
The book(s) listed below is/ We would be grateful if you are overdue. the book(s) to the Librar could return possible before penalties ary as soon as you wish to extend your bo e incurred. If book(s), please contact the rrowing of the Library either by telephone or email. TITLE : HOW TO BE ME AUTHOR : TONY BLAIR IT’S YOUR LIBR ARY SERV BOOKS — FREE FOR EVER
ICE
YONE
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KING CANUTE
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CASANOVA’S SECRETARY
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NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN
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RAYMOND CHANDLER
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GEOFFREY CHAUCER
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AGATHA CHRISTIE
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JEREMY CLARKSON
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SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE
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PATRICIA CORNWELL
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E. E. CUMMINGS
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DANTE
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LEONARDO DA VINCI
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LEONARDO DA VINCI
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DEC
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JUDI DENCH
DICK (DICK@GLOBAL FILM AGENCY.COM) TO : <
[email protected] SUBJECT : FILM SCRIPT
11.15
13 JANUARY 2006
Judi love, Am biking over a new screenplay just received from Jared in the Beverley Hills office. You play an embattled but doughty widow and in this one you don’t say ‘fuck’ till well into the third act. Think it could be perfect – you know how the British public love you doing that. Let me know your views. Yours, as ever, Dick
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CHARLES DICKENS
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DIDO
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ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE
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JAMES DYSON
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T. S. ELIOT
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QUEEN ELIZABETH I
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TRACEY EMIN
[Tracey Emin’s dustbin is empty, because all of its contents are on display in different galleries around the world. The bin itself is on sale for £200,000.]
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LORD NORMAN FOSTER
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BARON VON FRANKENSTEIN
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SIGMUND FREUD
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BOB GELDOF
BR ARY I L L A R T ILL CEN H T G N I RTMEN NOTT A P E D S E B OOK U D R E V O LDOF E G R ue. Wee M d r e v o e r DEAR : a below isc/ ould returnsitbhle d e t s i l ) s ( ou os The boobke grateful ifaryy as soon as upw ish to woulds) to the Libr incurred. If yo(s), please book( penalties are ng of the book phone or befored your borrowi either by tele exten ct the Library conta . L UT STIL B ( email E M E W TO B O H : E T I T L R A LO T ) RESA SWEA E T R E H R : MOT O H T U S E RV I C E A Y R A R B R LI I T ’ S YO U R YO N E E V E R FREE FO — S K O BO
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HUGH GRANT
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FRANS HALS
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ROGER HARGREAVES
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ERNEST HEMINGWAY
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HENRY V
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HENRY VIII
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HERCULES
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HEREWARD THE WAKE
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PARIS HILTON
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ADOLF HITLER
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GERARD MANLEY HOPKINS
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TED HUGHES
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JACK THE RIPPER
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BORIS JOHNSON
HEN
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JORDAN
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FRANZ KAFKA
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JOHN KEATS
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JOHN F. KENNEDY
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RUDYARD KIPLING
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LORD KITCHENER
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JOHN LE CARRÉ
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EARL LEOFRIC
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ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
LIBR ARY L A R T N OWN CE D P I H S R MENT T R WATE A P E B OOKS D E U D R E OV EBBER W D Y O e R LL verdue. W o DEAR : M e r a / s h i t elow could return lee b d e t s i l ) s ( p o s s i bt o s a n The boobke grateful if ryyou o o s s ish woulds) to the Libra cuarred. If you w ease p , ) n book( penalties are i g of the book(s onl e or before your borrowin ither by teleph extend t the Library e contac email. BE ME O T W O I TITLE : H PU C C I N O M O C : GIA RV I C E AUTHOR E S Y R A R LIBR IT’S YOU R YO N E E V E R O FREE F B OOKS —
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PETER MANDELSON
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ALEXANDER MCCALL SMITH
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PAUL MCCARTNEY
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GILLIAN MCKEITH
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IAN MCKELLEN
DOCKLANDS CENTRAL LIBRARY OVERDUE BOOKS DEPARTMENT DEAR : SIR IAN MCKELLEN The book(s) listed below is/are overdue. We would be grateful if you could return the book(s) to the Library as soon as possible before penalties are incurred. If you wish to extend your borrowing of the book(s), please contact the Library either by telephone or email. TITLE : HOW TO BE ME AUTHOR : SIR JOHN GIELGUD IT’S YOUR LIBRARY SERVICE BOOKS — FREE FOR EVERYONE
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MICHELANGELO
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JONATHAN MILLER
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JOHN MILTON
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PIET MONDRIAN
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COLIN MONTGOMERIE
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MOSES
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EDVARD MUNCH
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HENRY NEWBOLT
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ISAAC NEWTON
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NIKE HEADQUARTERS
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NOSTRADAMUS
[An approximate translation of this prophecy would run as follows: Many people will read these four lines When at least three hundred years have gone by. They will all be holding a book Called: On Second Thoughts...]
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WILFRED OWEN
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REV. IAN PAISLEY
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DAVE PELZER
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PENELOPE
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PICASSO
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HAROLD PINTER
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JACKSON POLLOCK
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ALEXANDER POPE
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PYTHAGORAS
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QUASIMODO
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RAMESES II
[Egyptologists differ about the precise meaning of this fragment, but the consensus seems to be that it is a shopping list and could be translated approximately as follows: ‘1 chicken, 1 game of skittles for the kids, 1 hamburger, 2 more hamburgers (or possibly balls for the game of skittles), 2 fish, 2 meat cleavers, some eye drops (?), cheese and wine, 1 brassiere, 1 Cornish pasty (?), and don’t forget the dog food!’]
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CLIFF RICHARD
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RICHARD III
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ANITA RODDICK
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PETER MARK ROGET
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JONATHAN ROSS
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ANTONIO SALIERI
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SALOME
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CAPTAIN SCOTT
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GEORGES SEURAT
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WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
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REV. W. A. SPOONER
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H. M. STANLEY
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PHILIPPE STARCK
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GEORGE STEPHENSON
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ROD STEWART
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ALAN SUGAR
[This letter has been reassembled from Alan Sugar ’s office shredder.]
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DAVID TENNANT
Page 1 ES EGAL SERVIC TIME LORD LN MENT E E R G A R E F S A R T Y T R E P RO P seventeenth day of May in is th de ma g in be nt me ree avid This ag ristopher Eccleston and D ves Ch n ee tw be 05 20 ar ye e th id Christopher Eccleston gi Tennant ensures that the said Tennant the property known and confers to the said DavDimension In Space (commonly as the Time And Relative as “T ARDIS”) means of interand hereinafter refer red to ional vehicular transportation, planetary and intergenerat iso and for all eter nity (or until without qualification or provbored and wants to try his luck the said David Tennant gets in Hollywood). ould be ing agreement does noipt,orit seshigneurial This legal and bind confer any ownershBillie Piper. vehemently stressed, n as rights over the property know : VEN AND CONFERRED GI TY ER OP PR OF LS AI DET age) 1 Police Box (1950sgevis nt - 4,765,493) 2 Pa Contents (See Inventory
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ALFRED LORD TENNYSON
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DYLAN THOMAS
UNDER MURDER WOOD A Whodunit for Voices FIRST VOICE [very softly] To begin with the murder. It is dawn, streaky dayburst bubbling and boring through the bog of the night, lifting the cloud-cloak, curtain-back and good morning dawning rise of the slip-shod, slipper-footed, dressing-gowngarbed, early-morning-tea, slap-of-the-papers-on-the“welcome”-mat, light-up-a-cigarette dawn, in the little town of LLudicrys. All over the town, alarm clocks are crowing, toothpaste-tubes squeezing, kippers grilling, cereals soggying, and old men spitting at Jones and Evans, Vitreous Enamel, Merthyr Tydfil. Every opening eye and waking heart stirs and stretches and creaks and uncrumples to the beauty of another do-it-or-drop-it day. Every eye but one. SECOND VOICE Dai the Death alone ignores the morning. FIRST VOICE Because he is dead. SECOND VOICE Dead down the mine. Down in the doom gloom brown bowel, deep beneath the stomach of the turgid-stirring, slowchurning earth. FIRST VOICE But what is he thinking, Dai the Death? SECOND VOICE He is thinking of nothing, because he is dead. The dead are tight as misers’ purse-strings with the bunched-up bounty of their bibled thoughts. FIRST VOICE But if he were alive, what would he be thinking, Dai the Death? Only you can hear his thoughts.
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FIRST VOICE …murdered! TAFF THE TRUNCHEON “Murdered” is it you say? But that’s a terrible word to be heard by a man still in his flannelette nightgown. Ring me again, when I have my uniform on. FIRST VOICE And as he bustles into black, buckling his belly taut with the black leather, heaving on hearse-black boots, hefting his helmet high on the cramped dome of his cranium… SECOND VOICE He hears, wafting through the window, the words of a morning poem… MEREDITH There may be greater towns than ours, With fiercer and more famous sons, And higher rates of homicide, More people armed with knives and guns. And yet, for me, this blessed place As scene of crime can have no peer. Let others inner cities haunt – I’ll still brain all my victims here. SECOND VOICE And… TAFF THE TRUNCHEON Oh… FIRST VOICE Cries Taff the Truncheon TAFF THE TRUNCHEON I think that could be a clue.
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SECOND VOICE He would think what he thought day-long down the mine, as time ticked by, unmarked by the daylight and night, but by the flickering of his Davy lamp quick across the slack, as his pick knocked quick at rock blocks of coal and showers of little bits trickled to his feet. If he were alive. But he is dead. So what unthinkable, unthankful thoughts is he thinking now in the coal-hole gloom of his dusty dreams? FIRST VOICE Never such dreams as any that come in the mournful morning of murder. Never such ends as any that end in the coal-axe poleaxed through the walnut shell of his cranium into the unripe soft fruit of his wickeddreaming brain. Never such sudden stopping of his thoughts, his naughty, palm-sweating, hand-groping, hem-lifting, beard-tickling, dirty postcard pictures of… DAI THE DEATH Blodwyn Jenkins. Oh, Blodwyn, Blodwyn. Blodwyn J… FIRST VOICE At the other side of the town, in the tight, cottonticked, up-to-the-chin-tucked, false-teeth-clicked-inthe-glass, unalarm-clocked silence, Detective Inspector Taff the Truncheon is woken from a dream of… TAFF THE TRUNCHEON Petty thieving, minor traffic infringements, fines for overdue library books, telling the time to tourists, commendations for bravery and… and engraved barometer… FIRST VOICE …by the thrilling, sleep-killing trill of a truculent telephone – and the news that… SECOND VOICE Dai the death has been…
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FIRST VOICE And he goes out through the trim letterbox-rattling, catch-clicking, knocker-knocking frame of his front door… SECOND VOICE …to visit Meredith the Murder… FIRST VOICE …and says: TAFF THE TRUNCHEON I keep thinking there must be a clue in your name, Meredith, though I’m damned if I know what it is. FIRST VOICE But he still arrests him. SECOND VOICE Again. As he has done every bloody-bodied day of the corpse-covered, shroud-shocking year. FIRST VOICE And the afternoon died and the thin light fades. And Taff the Truncheon, roundly righteous, crammed with complacency, rumbling with rectitude, fulfilled in flannelette, snores down the slope of his sleep, knowing that tomorrow he could have a… TAFF THE TRUNCHEON …’nother cadaver… FIRST VOICE And the sky once again velvets to darkness over the silver-tapped blood-bath of the little night-winking town.
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J. R. R. TOLKIEN
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LEO TOLSTOY
[Translation: ‘Idea for a short story – WAR AND PEACE’]
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LYNNE TRUSS
[email protected] 13 October 2002
To: “Lynne Truss”
[email protected] Subject: Punctuation Book Dear Lynne, I’m interested in your idea for a book about punctuation, though I’m not sure about the title you suggest, EATS SHOOTS AND SAPLINGS. Any other ideas? All the best, Bob
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CAROL VORDERMAN
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ISAAK WALTON
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ANDY WARHOL
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OSCAR WILDE
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WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR
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VIRGINIA WOOLF
[Unfortunately there is nothing available, since every last shopping list has already been published.]
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WILLIAM WORDSWORTH
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CHRISTOPHER WREN
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THE WRIGHT BROTHERS
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Other titles from Summersdale
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The Wind-up Letters Mark Hebblewhite £6.99 Paperback ISBN: 1 84024 534 9 ISBN 13: 978 1 84024 534 9
From a man with far too much time on his hands comes this collection of barmy correspondence, guaranteed to put a smile on the face of even the most dedicated customer services assistant. Whether he’s appealing to the British Lubrication Federation for advice on resolving his cat flap predicament or making an enthusiastic request to Tiffany & Co for Tiffany’s autograph, Mark Hebblewhite knows how to make a nuisance of himself. If you’ve ever wanted to ask McVitie’s whether a custard cream is really just an albino bourbon, this book has the answer – as well as the answers to some other questions you might never have thought to enquire about. Mark Hebblewhite has been a lifeguard, a waiter and an international personal banker, as well as a vegetarian butcher and a folder of cardboard boxes in a soap powder factory. He lives on the Isle of Man.
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Tish and Pish
How to be of a speakingness like Stephen Fry Stewart Ferris £7.99 Hardback ISBN: 1 84024 466 6 ISBN 13: 978 1 84024 466 3
The English tongue has never tasted more delicious than in the mouth of Stephen Fry: his chokingly brilliant sesquipedalian prose is like a shaft of sunlight through the drizzle of quotidian language. Now, with this bound monograph, we can all emit a similarly exquisite effulgence and enjoy the bright shaft of Stephen Fry locution in the privacy of our own smallest pavilion. May his shaft continue to pleasure us for many years to come. After all, what could be fluffier? Stewart Ferris is the author of more than twenty books, including How to be a Writer and The Little Book of Flirting. He has penned several feature film screenplays and his television scriptwriting includes a series of the children’s animation Pokémon.
‘This is an incredibly entertaining read and great fun for any Stephen Fry fans or budding social climbers!’ Student Direct
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Brit Wit
The perfect riposte for every social occasion Edited by Susie Jones £7.99 ISBN: 1 84024 415 1 ISBN 13: 978 1 84024 415 1
Ever been at a loss for words? Ever wished that the perfect wry remark (or putdown) would spring to mind? The great, the good, the intellectual and the downright insulting can all be found in Brit Wit. Densely populated with wonderful one-liners from such formidable figures as Churchill and Shakespeare to more recent luminaries of British stage, screen and society including Michael Caine, Victoria Wood, Eddie Izzard and John Lennon, Brit Wit celebrates all that makes Britain brilliant.
‘Plumped with zippy one-liners and comebacks for any occasion, this book collects the best zingers from the greatest minds in British history’ The Good Book Guide
‘If you prefer your humour condensed into one-liners try Brit Wit, a beautifully presented catalogue of jests, asides, ripostes and insults’ The Daily Mail
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www.summersdale.com
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