New Roadside America: The Modern Traveler's Guide to the Wild and Wonderful World of America's Tourist

The sir-foot Hinged Man poseswith Chief Henry, the world's most photographed Indien, in Cherokee,NC.

A Fireside Book Published by Simon & Schuster Ir{eutYork

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b6w Guide Traveler's TheModern to theWildandWonderful Worldof America's TouristAttractions

mike ken doug KIRBY SMITH ,WILKIN

..HONEY FORSUSIE, SHEILA, AilDKEN'S GIRLS''

FIRESIDE Rockefeller Center, 1230Avenue of the Americas New York, New York 10020 Qopynght @ 1986by rlryk Barth, Doug Kirby, Ken smith, Mike wilkins Revised edition copyr.ight @ l99z by Doug rirly, xen S-ittr, Mike wilkins All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. First Fireside Edition lg92 FIRESIDE and colophonare registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc. Manufactured in the United States of America 109 Library_of CongressCataloging in publication Data Kirby, Doug. The new roadsideAmerica : the moderntraveler's guide to the wild and wonderful world

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touristattractions / DougKi"by,K;; Briti, Mikewirkins._R;u.ed.,rst

p. cm. Rev. ed. of: RoadsideAmerica. 19g6. "A Fireside book." Includesindex. l' United states-Guidebooks' 2. Automobile travel-united States-Guidebooks. II. wilkins, Mike. Irr. noaasideAmerica. IV. L-84!!' Ken, dateTiile. 8158.K56 1992 917.304'928-de20 vZ_AW CIP ISBN:0-O?I-T69BI-6 prlwings and maps by Doue Kirbv ts_odyEcleetic medical drawing by'phoebe Gloeckner

photographv bi n.ig,lt" Hanesi---""' N::!t::"ir ungtnal souvenir photography

by Dina Ferri-nte_Smyth

PHOTOCREDITS Cover: Carter Peanut (Plains,

Weeki W:chj M-e-rmaids (-lileeki lVachi,

FL); World,s Largest eA); paur Bunyan mrvf6li;il;"rrirriiiii",lint;;'b;;inruy,Muskie rnrainero, ren SY*fffif."*#ifrfill** Back Cover: Dixie Evans, Exotic--World(Helendale,.C.A_) World's Largest U_ncleSam (Lake,George, NY) bv Doue Kirbv- Ken Smith, Mike wiilins. wena"iiii!"i"iiitia-naf# (N";6i"#il1")iilil nv su."n King lGrby.?rabhirpada,s Thd;r;E-;;;esy palace of the of Gold. Attraction photos courtesy of: Page l2-Moccasin Bar l4-Gatorland Zoo lQ-Q-lyde Peeling's Reptiland 20-Marineland oTFlorida 2l-Noah's Ark 26-Brintta Hanssi 29-Dinosaur Lai'il (Photo credits continued on page Zf)I)

82-Prehistoric Gardens 4l-Liberace Foundationsfor the performinc and Creative Afts/Liberace Museum 45-Lawrence Welk Resort VillaEe 48-Flintstone BedrockCitv 48-The Ralph Foster Museum 55 (center)-GregPeretti

AehnourIeOgments

Thanks to Stuart Gottesman-the relentless professional(and the only editor at Simon & Schusterrecognizedas a third classrelic by the Catholic Church). Thanks alsoto Jeff Neuman, our man in the Corridors of Power. We salute the Chambers of Commerce for providing information and help, even when they couldn't figure out what the hell we were up to. We genuflect, as always, to those heroesof tourism-the attraction owners-and the thousands of men and women that continue to keep our eyes a-poppin. For leads, theories, encouragement,and cameras, special thanks to: Christine Agnelli; Gail and Scott Archibald; Jack Barth; John Crouch; Rob and Darilyn Dinsmoor; the Doherty family; Erwin Dugasz; Kevin Dzuban; Scott Fischler; Richard Grigonis;Ward Halligan; Ollie Hallowell; Brigitta Hanggr; Celeste Hoffner; Eli Hull; Michael Kaplan; Steve Kessler; Fred, Carolyn, and Julie King; Jaek and Marlene Kirby; Jay and Denise Kirby; Dan Lieb; Fred Malley; Wayne and Cheryl Mason; PauI "Montana" Mcleod;Jacquie Mraz; DonnalynnePompper; Margaret Pultz; Carol Riley; Paul Rother; Mark Sarto; Herbert and Anita Smith; Sean Smith; Ron Spooner;Steve Szubak;Linda and Wayne Torbett; Joe Valeriani; Perry Vasquez; Betsy Wilkins; Jeff Wilkins; Robert and Gloria Wilkins; Dottie Wilson; and the late Curtis J. Frick.

Gontents Inlroduction: Roadside Delirium Animals

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Gators' Reptiles ' Aquarena Springs. Performing Animals . Dinosaurs . Bu.gs. Dead Animals . Pet Cemetery of the Star pets

Gelebrities

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Celebrity Museums ' Our Teleuision Fauorites . Hometown Heroes . Twitty City . Country us. Rock anl, Rott . Motmcad,eof the Damned,. Graues

Science, Medicine, andBeyond

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Space Junk . Com,puters. Th,eAtomic Tour . Maruelous Med,ical Museums . The Body Eelectic . Aliens, Monsters, and Bugaboos . Mystery Spots . Mythical Animnls

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Stonehenges'Loony cuckoo Battle. "whu LeaaeAmerica?" Ma,p. palace of GoId. Curse of the Pyramids . South Of The Border

History

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. Tlw wildWest. Ind,ians!!! War anl, Peace.Blacksand,Confederates ' Presid,ents'crime and,Punishmpnt.Museumof Museums GivicPride

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Treasures,Boasts,and,Swell-Heoned Hokum. BiggerIs Always Better ' Mond,oSmiley . ToumPets. KookyLoon Battle . Eat WeMust . Chnir

Battle . Bathtub from U.S.S. Maine Earth

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Roadside Rock Ga,rden. Big Bru,tus us. Big Muskie . Caues. Inatiornl Geogro'phics. U.S . Centers . Big Trees. Bunyans . Water . Merrnaid,s . The Doom Tour

MadeIn Ameilca

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Ind,ustrial Magic. Fu,n with Guns 'World of Coca-Cola'You Can Do It! . Wimps ' Th,eBoring Tour

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Crossesanfl,Christs . Catlnlic Slwinesatd, Srottoes' SaintsPreserte . Bible Birds , Itty-Bitty Churches'Holylard's' Precious Themselaes MomentsChapel 217 Meatandl{uts

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Ghristianity

Nut Museurn. PeanutsEnW ' SquinelWars' Meat Map' Canruibalism: Wh,ereNuts and Meat Meet

Dreamerc

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Dem,entia Concretia . Twine Ball Battle ' Collections of Number Eaid,enceof Genius. Castles. Houseon the Rock ' FantasA Worlds'Wade's Page . Santa'sVillages' DopeA Utopias Meccas

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Photo Opportunities . Gift Shops. Wall Drug ' Eatirry an'd Sleepin'g' Attraction of Tomomow

Alone A Guratol Epilogue:

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Highway string cheesestretchesaluead-h'ot, black, pungent. Sign'posts ,ti, up out of the shimmering efipanse. Billboards sla'pagainst yaur eges tike a d,eclaof thumbed,playing cards. Faster! Full tank, snncks' t6-go,a leaky cooler . . . keep mouing! Is that giant grasslt'opperstntue tit at night? Driue 200 miles and fin'd out! "Let us be your travel brain." That was our request when the first Americo was published in 1986. Amenable readers edition of Road,sid,e allowed us to bumow into the soft, spot on the back of their heads and assumecommand,at least for a week or two. We traveled, we Saw, we Iaughed with abandon. America was a starting point. since then, we've learned to Road,sid,e pack better. compression is the code we live by now, in word and deed. rni. edition is crammed with new places, old places that got better, forgotten places, barely remembered places.We boil weeks worth of backbreaking researchdown to a sentence,then we throw that sentenceaway. The first things we jettison are phone numbers. Next to go are hours, admissions, and directions. You want to see what we saw? Get on the road and look yourself! Does your head hurt at the end of the day? Drive another 500 miles! Maybe you didn't see enough! Wil that bolognafactory tour closeforeaer, iust beforeAou reach it? Drtue faster! Interstate construction is yorn poison-teeth gritted, clwlce it d,own,get on th,oseback roads! More (Ielays! Loser taurists clotfa'ctory outlet storesin loser destinations. Wild West towns bum up iust oaer the horizon. Ancient, dodderingElder Kneiael "cottonballs" weauetan' tatizin4ty across th,eroad, ahnod, their puffa white hnir a red flng of hort'or. Not todny! Bullet past and tlte roa'd is yours! Tourism does not sit sti[. Wily attraction owners are constantly improvising, bending with the magnetic force lines of the economy. New attractions appear, established meccasfall, old friends get turned into parking lots. Small towns desperately look to tourism for their next mebl. They'll do almost anything to get you to stop. Like ducks at a petting zoo, they krnw you have corn.

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we've seen, digested, written too many notes, and tried to strike a balance.In these pagesyou'll find the eccentrieand the stupid, the rock solid and the ultraweird. We give an oxen statue that pees a farr shake against any celebrated"folk art environment." And maybe we like the OX even IIlOf€. r

As always, our findings are authenticatedwith impeccablefield instruments, such as the six-foot-tall Hinged Man (a scientifically calibrated method of mea$uringclaimsof largeness)or the Mystery Spot Test Kit". our computer databasespits out weird maps, sorts readers' tips, and losesfiles at the speedof light. Nighttime, e,ndRoad Hypnosis. Ideas crachle, d,efectiueneon in th,e darlc distance. Photo opportunities hop into our head,tights-and, are gone! Euerythiw is uacationgrist. Grain silosblurinto sacred,Mad,onna mirages; windmills apeDon Quinotic themeparks. Familiar phantasms race up to peekthrough our bug-congealed windshield,-our old,publicist, cackling'AM Des Moines!/ got you on AM Des Moines!,,through rotted, teeth; and' the relentlessLady Bird Johnson smashing bittboard,swith her ten-tonfi,sts. The New RoadsideAmerica is our baby-a two-headed,psychoactive monster baby. One is the benevolentheadof hearty appreciationand fair play. The otherris the wrathful headof judgment, brought down on those who bulldoze our favorite attractions, turn old Stuckeys into notions boutiques, and charge gl?.gg to watch glass get blown. Battles faceus at every interchange.Uncleanvandalsspirit away monuments and gravestones.Moralists demand that attractions give back their Indian bones,yet cozyup to the superrichwho stole Geronimo'shead. Entrepreneurs and readers nag us about sites they couldn't find in our first book, never understandingthat if it wasn't in Road,sid,e, itjust wasn't goodenough.unless, of course,it happensto appearin the New Road,sid,e. Look out! A horrifying head-oncollision! your foot finatty fi,nd,sthe brakepednl am'id a shifiing dunp of loose-pa,ck brochu,res and,rno,gt.Srww globesand cedartrinkets tumble acrossthe rear wind,owled,geas Aouueer into the lane of the liuing. A'Bago with out-of-stateplates bunusalong th'esltoulder! catch it on camcorderand,keepmouing! Keep mouing!!! Will your preciousdays of leisure end in another excursionto the dull wastelandsof Six Flags, BuschGardens,and Disney?Or has the restless spirit of true tourism gotten hold of you? Let The New Roadside America show you the way. we're in your head. we know what you're thinking. You'll never get us out.

-Doug, Ken, Mike

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ome of our most precious roadside wonders revolve around human history, ethnic origin, even individual charactersor clever animals.But these are short. fleeting station breaks on the big geologicprojection TV called Earth. Over the long haul, it's the natural wonders that last. Nature's indigenous tourist attractions-rocks, caves,big trees, bodiesof water-will be here for thousandsor millions of years, even if we are not. While some are shapedby the forcesoferosion or growth, others are shapedby the hand of Man, coaxingMa Nature's juices into magnificentfountains, tunneling into her for beautiful gems, or carving the living guts out of her trees so his cars can drive through. National parks were created specifically to worship natural wonders and protect them from those shape-crazyhands of Man. If you want to see this untouchedwilderness-on a two-lane road jammed with thousandsof obnoxiousnature seekers-go ahead.You'd do better subscribing to National Geographicor buying an Ansel Adams print. We like the placeswhere attraction owners and their wonders have struck apact-apact to entertain you, the attentive visitor. With a touch of neon here, a hint of loudspeakerthere, attraction owners nurture nature and guarantee an indelible memory. What's a spring without a bunch of mermaids in it? What's a forest without a one-loghouseand a statue of Paul Bunyan, the great tree-biter?

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They are the rocks! Geologicappendagesignored for eons by the continent's transient tenants are thrust into the sceniclimelight by a familiar shapeand evocativename. Witness the imposing Whale Rock of Texas Canyon, AZ, or the whimsical Mexican Hat Rock, Mexican Hat, UT. Weather-carvedfaces leer at us from mountainsides,like the Old Man of the Mountain, in Franconia Notch, NH, or the Great Stone Face, Deseret, UT, which resemblesMormon prophet Joseph Smith. Our favorite monolith monicker? "Seal Making Love to a Nun" Rock, at the Garden of the Gods, ColoradoSprings, CO. The visionary publicist who named it was quickly fired, and it was retitled "Seal and Bear."

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Eunset at Toilet Rock, City of Rocks,NM.

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|t, intnssant hammering of semipreciousgemhnppAgeotourists reuerberatesacross the Ruggle Mine, Grafton, NH. Rabid rockhounds rent fl.ashlights,helmets, goggles,and picks to chiP a'waAat euerythingincluding the main support pillar s-in searclt of giant beryls and smoky quartz. It's refreshirq, in an age of "Take onlY photos,LeaueonLY footprints," to fi'nd a Place that says, "Go ahead! Destroy our attraction! "

BtgBnffiuEvEoBtguluskte A mighty machine once ran around the clock, clawing out house-sized chunksof ground in searchof coal. Big Brutus, sixteen stories and 11 million poundsof earth-movingmuscle,mined the flat, southeasterncorner of Kansas.Somesaid he worked too hard, used too much electricity. lnL974, teary-eyed,the ownerfinally pulledBig B's plug in West Mineral, KS; the great shovel saggedto stillness. But locals rallied to have him declareda state landmark and turned into a museum. Postcardsof Big B were mailed far and wide. The big-hearted earth-mover would not be forgotten. Meanwhile,in Cumberland,OH, another great machinetoiled-Big Muskie. This 2?-million-poundleviathan could scoop325tons per bite as he moved backwards,poweredby the largest extensioncord ever made. The Ohio Power Companyboastedof Big Muskie's digging prowess. He must be the largest "Walking Dragline Machine" in the world! Then, times changed.Electricity got expensive. Other energ'yalternatives wooedthe power company.Big Muskie was given an office "upstairs." The company offered tours by advancearrangement, and sold postcardsthat were mailed far and wide. With so many postcardsflying around, who can say when Big Brutus and Big Muskie will find out about each other? Two sleeping giants,

5,500tons 160feet 150feet 135tons/90cubicyards

TotalWeight TotalHeight BoomLength ScoopCapacityper Bite

660 feet Three % MPH 15,000homes

Overall Length Minimum Crew Top Speed Uses as Much Power as

13,500 tons 160feet Bl0 feet 325tonsl220 cubicyards lbl feet Seven %oMPH 27.500 homes

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The claustrophobicnovelty of a cave tour keeps over 150 commercial cavesaround the U.S. in operation,from national park giants like Mammoth Cave, KY (over 250 miles in passages),to small, family-owned holesthat spacklethe map. Caveshave bricked walkways, artificial lighting, "expert" guides, and are usually adjacent to (if not covered by) a gift shop. The natural tendency of travelers to head for the "biggest" or the "longest" is pointlesswhen it comesto caves-most tours are limited to an hour and cover only a small portion of the passageways.The best cavesare lit like a '70s Italian horror movie, and the "subterraneanexperience" is enhancedusing completelyfabricated natural wonders, like waterfalls. Bold manipulationindicatesa cave owner who has a finger on the throbbing neek vein of the vacationingcorpus. The eaveentranceat Meramec Caverns, Stanton, MO, containsa neon sign that proudly proclaims "JesseJames Hideout," not far from Loot Roek, where replicas of Jesse and Co. divide the booty. Nearby is a moonshiner'scavern, transplantdd from the Ozark hills above. The high-

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Vn* nott, of the Moon roon1,,Inner Space Cauems, Georgetoum,TX, features one of seaeralSound'n' Light shows.Hear the "Flowing Stoneof Time" read from the Book of Genesisas Aour tour guide skillfullg mnnipulates spotlight d,immer switches. "And, God said . . . let there be light," proclaims th'erock. You d,on'thaae to be religious to guess what ha'ppensnert.

light of any trip to Meramecis the Stage Curtain and Flag show, known as "the greatest show under the earth." Visitors seated in the Theater Room faee a massive limestone drapery formation (the Stage Curtain) where a colored-light show is projected. The show builds to a rousing elimax, when an American flag is projectedonto the Stage Curtain, while a scratchyrecordingof Kate Smith singing "God BlessAmerica" is blared from loudspeakers. For those who hate the thought of all that forced marching through the Stygian catacombs,two lazy-man's cave tours are recommended: Fantastic Caverns, Springfield,MO, "America's Only Ride-Thru Cave," and Penns Cave, Centre Hall, PA, "America's Only All-Water Cavern." The guides of Fantastic Caverns carefully explain how the natural atmosphereof the cave is being preserved, as they drive their jeeps, with passengertrailers in tow, up and down the blasted-outpaved passages.The jeeps run on propane so that accumulatingfumes don't asphyxiate visitors. Fantastic's sordid history includes a period of ownershipby the Ku Klux Klan, who conductedmeetingsand crossburnings in the grand ballroom in the 1920s.Today, the sameroom is rented out for opera performances. Penns Cave is seen only by boat-a flat twenty-seater steered by a guide who also points the boat spotlight at whatever you're supposedto look at. The cave is composedof five massivechambers,which are fully illuminated at key dramatic momentsin the tour. The guide is in an awful hurry to point out that every singlerock, lump, and formation in the cave looks like some familiar image. As the boat moves and your shipmates follow the bouncinglightbeam, the guide rattles off his Iaundry list: "This is an Indian squaw with papooseand somesay that looks like a kneeling camel and here's our Sphinx or Buddha, whichever you prefer, and you can see an upside-downfarm valley here and that's a Lebanon bologna and over this way is a little boy pushing a cow acrossan iron suspension bridge . . ."

f,lorr" Caverns,Howes Caae, NY. Tlw earmark of a beautiful caue is a prominnnt sign thnt reads, 'W eddings P edonn ed H ere."

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Cave matrimony seemsto be the rage among some strange though prolific social set. Bridal Cave, Camdenton,MO, is America's premier high-volume wedding nexus, hosting over 900 since it openedin 1948. Before the practice was discontinuedin L977,Virginia's Luray Caverns had 208 weddings,accompaniedby their huge "stalacpipeorgan," which musically resonatesthrough natural rock draperies. One tour feature that seemsto be universal is the Moment of Total Darkness, when the guide extinguishesall the lights in that section of the cave. "This is what it was like when the candle held by the first explorers went out," the guide asserts. Total darknessis an economical specialeffect for the cavern owners, and it also helps separatethe mildly nervousfrom the truly claustrophobic.Most of theseshouldknow enough to avoid the tour in the first place,but we welcomeany hysterical ravings or seizuresas photo opportunities and a great story for the folks back home. It's the kind of thing peopleerpect to see in a cave.

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While other cavesboast of monstrousformationsand passages,they lack what Secret Caverns, in Cobleskill, NY, has-an attitude. Sure, next-door neighbor Howe Caverns has a cave elevator, hilltop chateau,restaurant, gift shops,and a reputation that draws over 100'000 visitors every year. So what? Secret Caverns can't tell us how many visitors it gets a year, "for tax reasons." Secret and Howe have spent decadesas bitter, feuding rivals. But the latest advertising campaignby SecretCavernsmay have its upscalecompetitormore annoyedthan worried. Every Secret billboard for miles enticesthe unaimedtraveler with cavemenriding dinosaurs, Seamonsters, evil clowns, grant bats, and Grateful Dead skeletons,painted freehandby its guides. Secret Caverns gets the market segmentit deserves-people like us. A Secret Cavernstour is a personalexperiment in luck and synchronicity. It's advertisedat forty-five minutes, but sometimes,late in the day, your tour may move along a bit quicker. "The record time is eleven minutes from start to finish," says guide Kurt Piller. 'steps,' " "The first one hundred thirty-eight formations are known as

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@uid,esKurt PiLLer and Tyrone Donnelly sweepup around the Frozen Niagara in SecretCauetns.AIL coins recoueredfrom the Wishing WeIl go to the Secret Caaerns' tour guide beerfund.

we're told as we descendto Secret'smain passage.A broken wedge of rock juts from a low wall. "Some people think this looks like Jabba the Hutt-others say a hand with its fingers torn off," says guide Tyrone Donnelly to awed-but-acceptingonlookers. Part of Secret'ssuccessformula is hiring experts like Kurt or Tyrone, crispy-edgedrock philosophizers, intent on deconstructingevery bulge and crack. They're also good at running the cash register and sweepingup. "The Holy Family" formation is two rock chunks set on end and illuminated by an unshieldedbulb-"Jesus." The brochure photo of "Wonderland" (alsoknown as "The Yes Album Cover") is printed upside-down and lit to make the formations look forty feet tall. In real life, it spans about three feet on a ceiling overhang. "City of the Future"-formerly "Atomic city," formerly "city Hit by Atomic Bomb"-may undergo yet another name change. "We're thinking of calling it ,Baghd&d,,,, Kurt warns. A large round thermometerhangsin the "Belfry" rock chimney,copped by a Secret commandofrom Howe years ago. Decadesearlier, a large calciteheart was cut from Secret's"Ftozen Niagara" (alsocalled"Ftozen Nicaragua"or "Frozen Margarita") to enhancethe floor of Howe's bridal chamber."We're proud to say that no one has been tacky enoughto get married in this cave," our guide points out. The tours ends as we revisit 138 formations and look for a memento in the denudedgift shop.The fluorescentorangeT-shirt tops all souvenir

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wear, caveor otherwise, with art of a manly waterfall plunging excitedly into a cavern crevasse. Secret Caverns seemseminently qualified to survive in the world of undergroundtourism, even if only as a necessarythorn in the side of its neighbor. It's a world where visitors ask questionslike "How thick are the walls?" or "How much does this cave weigh?" The guides at Secret Caverns know the answer.

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lnnatlonat Geo8noph0es Maps are key to any successfulroad trip, but are "map attractions"?The Four Corners is where Ltizona, New Mexico,Colorado,and Utah meetout in the middle of nowhere. The ceremonialslab is ringed by stalls of Navajos selling silver trinkets, T-shirts, and Pepsi at exorbitant prices. Tourists splay themselveson the slab for border comedycandids. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers prefers to map in 3-D, creating

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sotch Army engineers chnnge riuer channels with enplosiuesand mud at the Waterusays E nperiment Station, Vicksburg, M S.

scale-modelsimulations of American waterways. The tilaterways Experiment Station in Vicksburg, MS, tests channelsand currents with miniature versions of New York City harbor, and Niagara Falls. The Mapparium, Boston, MA, is a most impressive map attraction. Constructed in 1936off the public lobby of the Christian SciencePublishing building, the Mappariumis a hollow earth thirty feet in diameter. A bronzeframework holds 608concavecolored-glasspanelsthat brightly display territorial borders and country namescirca 1935.Visitors enter through the Indian Oceanon an elevatedcrystal bridge and exit through the South Pacific.Acousticsare weird; peoplewhispering privately over near Australia can be heard distinctly from Greenland.

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GentenEr Wh0ehOne tg B[gnt 0onYqu?

$eographic Center of North America, Rugby, ND.

A wide swath down the middle of this country is loadedwith centers, Tourism councilsput up markers and invite vacationersto comesee.The time-conscioustraveler askswith goodreason,"Which center is right for me?" After all, isn't there only one center to something,even something as big and bright as the United States?Let's examinethe contenders.

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The geographical center of North America is marked by a cairn in Rugby, ND. If you acknowledge this as the center, though, you give Canadaand Mexico entirely too much credit. The geodetic center of the forty-eight states, near Osborne,KS, takes into accountthe curvature of the earth, and sounds much too four-eyed to possibly make for good tourism. The population center of the United States is locatedten miles southeast of Steelville, MO, as determined by the 1990census.While ecstatic Steelville residents plot ways to exploit their statistical windfall, 1g80's population center DeSoto, MO, has been defrocked and forgotten. This center has been moving southwestevery decadesincethe first censusin 1790,and is theoretically always shift,ing.Clearly a gamble. Various limp centers confusethe issue.The geographic center of Western Civilization is in Dannebrog, NE, accordingto a plaque embedded in the floor of the Silver Dollar Saloon.Ripley, TN, is the wimpy Center of Hands Across America, marked by a stick in front of a roadside fruit stand. From our view, only two centers are worthy of consideration-the geographic center of the fifty states, near Castle Rock, SD, and the geographic center of the forty-eight states in Lebanon, KS. It is hard to argue againstCastleRock. After all, there are fifty statesin the Union, and there's a lot of firepower siloed nearby. But considerthis. A center is important becauseit is a place for our country to fall back to, and dig in to make a last stand if attacked on all sides by every other country in the world. If that happened,we'd have to forget Alaska and Hawaii. They'd be dead meat. No, we'd gather at the Lebanon center cairn-on a hill, giving us good lines of fire. No question:Bury the emergencyfood and ammo here.

[oveDemB[grnees We have the biggest trees in the world-the giant redwoodsof Northern California. U.S. 101winds through theseforest giants, and the fun begins in Leggett, CA, where you encounter the first of several drive-through trees open to the public. Drive-through trees are like a fine compromise betweenwarring lumberjacksand Earth Firsters. The Chandelier DriveThru Ttee is typical; you pay your money, drive over a mile on a bumpy, dusty road just to get to it, and then discover that your Winnebagois

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\Jaul Bunyan, Babe the Blue On, and the siu-foot-tal,L Hinged Man at Treesof Mystery, Klamath, CA.

too wide to go through anyway. All of this aggravation, just to drive through a hole cut in a tree. Don't you feel ridiculous? In Piercy, CA, the World Famous Tree House is the rotted lower portion of a still-living giant redwoodthat alsoholdsthe title "the world's tallest singleroom." An appliancebulb suspendedfrom a wire hasglowed at the top of the rot-the "ceiling" of the room-for over thirty years, to the appreciativeooohsand aaahsof visitors. Next stop, Phillipsville, CA, for a look at Chimney Tree. Chimney Tree is very similar to the World FamousTree House,exceptit's missing the little appliancebulb. The ownershavedecidedto pep up this attraction by adding Hobbiton, USA, to the neighboring property. Officially endorsedby the San FranciscoHobbit Club, Hobbiton, USA, is a nature walk that passesseveral concretere-creationsof scenesfrom Tolkien's Tlte Hobbit. Prerecordedexplanationsof these scenesare narrated by an unidentified Hobbit fan, who soundslike he's spent the majority of his life playing Dungeonsand Dragonsand attending sciencefiction conventions. Klamath, CA, is the upper end of RedwoodExploitation Territory,

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and also the site of its most stupendous attraction, Trees of Mystery. Two giant statues, one of Paul Bunyan and one of Babe, the blue ox, guard the entrance. Paul speaks,and his right hand gives a perpetual little wave as he greets all who enter in his cheeriestlumberjack style. "Well, hello, there, little glrl . . ever seea fellah as big as me?"A forest trail takes visitors through Trees of Mystery and beginsat a giant, hollow redwood log, only this one is fake. Once inside, you'll make your way through a series of actual mystery trees, the ones shaped like pretzels and DNA strandoids."Entirely by the forcesof nature," we are reminded. At the Cathedral Tree, Nelson Eddy singsJoyce Kilmer's poem "Trees" from hidden loudspeakers.

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Pau[BunVOoE Fn0eo0 onFoe? Paul Bunyan's birthplace in Bangor, ME, is marked by a statue, but where you really fall all over monumentsto the towering tree-biter are in the northern forestsof Minnesota,Wisconsin,and Michigan.Minnesota offers big statues in Brainerd and Bemidji, which are also home to his axe, his phone, his pet dog, his pet squirrel, his toothpaste, razor, and

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$zt trz Mr. Bunyan's beefUhand in Akeley, MN.

Zippo lighter. In Akeley, a twenty-five-foot Bunyan bends down with handoutstretched,sothat couplescansit in his palm for photos.Bunyan's girlfriend is in Hackensack, his anchor is in Ortonville, his rifle is in Black Duck, and he is buried (he died in 1899)in Kelliher. His epitaph: "Here Lies Paul, And That's All." Miehigan has erected the oddest tribute: A thirty-foot-tall statue made entirely of parts from old Kaiser automobiles watches over Business I75 in Grayling. Other Michigan Bunyans include those in Manistique and Oscoda. The Castle Rock Lookout in St. Ignace has a seated Paul next to Babe, the blue Ox, while another Babe in Ossineke stands in front of a hairy-chested Bunyan that babbles prerecorded, long-winded yarns in a French accent.In the fift,ies,OssinekeBabe had his balls shot off by a handgun that was used to murder a man the next week. Out of respect, OssinekeBabe'sballs have never been replaced. Paul Bunyan never replanted, or worried about erosionor ecosystems. He probably took early naturalists by the head and used them to grease his mighty skillet. On the other hand, without Paul Bunyan statues and memorabilia pulling the tourists to these areas, they'd never get to see the trees that the ecologist works so hard to protect. Now that Paul is dead, and Saab-driving law-schoolnaturalists have nothing to fear, don't be surprised if Paul Bunyan statues start coming under fire as teaching our children bad lessons.

Knee[on0 GUpneEE -Palmdale,

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Cypress Kneeland spreads itself across both sides of U.S. 27 like an the CypressKnee Museum, overfertilized cabbagepalm. It encompasses a three-quarter-mile swamp catwalk, and a glft shop, all single-mindedly devoted to the glorification of cypress knees. Cypress knees are knobby growths that sprout from the roots of cypresstrees. No oneknowswhy they grow, and no onepaid much attention to them until Tom Gaskinscame along. Tom, a self-proclaimedFlorida cracker, becameobsessedwith the kneesin 1934.By 1939he was exhibiting them at the New York World's Fair. Today, Tom is their chief cheerleader, authority, and spokesperson.

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To* Gaski%s was q,ward,ed, a Floridn Folk Heritoge Award by th,eFloridn Secretaryof State in 1988for his work with knees.

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The CypressKnee Museumshowcasesthe creamof Tom's vast cypress knee collection.Little signs in front of eachknee offer suggestionsas to what (or whom) eachrepresents:Flipper, JosephStalin, or "Lady Hippo .Wearinga Carmen Miranda Hat," which is the most spectacularknee in the world. The museumis built around the world's largest transplanted cypresstree; visitors are cautionedto watch for snakesthat sometimes crawl through the hole in the floor. Across the road from the museumlies the catwalk, a series of mossy, elevated two-by-fours. Tom estimatesthat over a hundred people have fallen off the catwalk into the swamp, mostly children. "Old people,they know better." The catwalk runs through Tom's "controlled knee growth" experiments,where he has attempted to alter the shapesof living knees. Tom has carved designsinto some, shoved bottles (and, in one case, a phone receiver) into others, and flattened many with heavy weights. "When I control growth in knees, I brag about it," says Tom. Tom is a devotedphysicalculturalist and, though well into his eighties, jogs five miles a day through the swamps. He bought his last pair of shoesin 1971and rarely wears them. "The knees have been good to me," Tom reflects, hopping acrossthe highway asphalt toward the swamp. "By golly, I am the happiest man in the world!"

WeNhe WotenWqn[Os Water is a natural and inexpensive source of cheap dramatics. Clever real estate promoter Bob McCulloch (the same guy who brought the London Bridge to Arizona) outfitted a pond of recycled sewagetreatment water to spray 560 feet in the air for fifteen minutes of every hour. It's the World's Tallest Fountain, in Fountain Hills, AZ. Backyardgeysersdraw tourists aswould any other "wonder of nature," and canbe usedfor free homeheating! If you don't already havea geyser, perhaps you'll get lucky like one man did in 1937when drilling for water to fill a swimming pool. He struck both water and carbon dioxide gas' and today the World's Only Man-Made Geyserin SodaSprings, ID, still erupts every hour on the hour-although they turn it off when the wind shift,sso it doesn't blow into the businessdistrict. Fountain technology invented in Nazi Germany keeps water merrily squirting in attractions like Waltzing Waters, Fort Myers, FL. Every hour, six hundred patented hydraulic nozzlesand 15,000watts of multicolored lighting spring to life. The "liquid fireworks" are synchronized with musicfrom Switched-OnClassics.Onstage,plumesof water arc and rotate, while spotlights play on shimmering sprays and spritzes. There's the constant sound of water splashing back into the fountain in this mildewedtheater, somethingakin to an overly dramatic car wash. At night, the showmovesoutside,spewing?,000gallonsof water almosta hundred feet in the air.

Wocheeo Week0 the GWof f,lenmail0s -Weeki

Waehee, FL

uWe'renot like other wonlen We don't haue to clean an oaen will graw ollllllhlld And we t?,ea-er We'aegot the world bg the tail!" -fficial

WeeleiWacheemermnid anthem

The name "Weeki Wachee" conjures up aSpowerful an image as "Big Sur" or "Harlem." Visions of lovely mermaids performing gfaceful un-

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derwater ballet and sucking RC Cola bottles spring to the feverish forebrain. Doomeddads have been steering their wood-paneledstation wagons toward these mesmerizingmaidenssince 1947. The enduring suecessof Weeki Wachee is built on a rigtd mermaid code. "There's a lot more to being a mermaid than just knowing how to smile and wiggle your tail underwater," saysJana, who has been a mermaid for fifteen years. The Rites of Mermaidhood are grueling, but necessary. "Our lives depend on each other; it's not your normal job." Half the trainees who make it through the formal interview and water auditionsnever achieve the rank of full mermaid; the year of on-the-job training and the final exam-holding your breath for two and a half minutes while changing out of costume in the mouth of the 72 degree spring-finishes many mermaid wannabes. This exclusivesorority includesnineteenactive performers. Mermaids who make it through tend to stay on the job for a number of years, then often move up to managementpositions."It's not the kind ofjob you hold for six months and then quit," noted Jana. The new show, written by Tamar, the mermaid supervisor, is an adaptation of Hans Christian Andersen's "The Little Mermaid." "It was always my dream to becomea merrnaid and 'The Little Mermaid' was always my favorite story, so writing this show was a dream come true." Yup, the mermaid life ain't bad. They have only two natural enemies: thunderstorms, and the alligators that occasionallyslip into the spring. Amorous dads 'n' grads are kept safely behind thick glass.

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Squatic touetiesflap onto the rnossArocks for a photo opportunity.

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THE D00m TouR The earth cracks!Waters rage! The hills burn! Forget that "I'm not evacuating"stuff. RUN! RUN! Take a tour of U.S. doomsites,and reconsiderthe wisdom in trying to take on a rabid, cleaver-wielding Mother Nature. DAY1: Just stand there as our sightseeingeyclonebears down and sweepsyou off to the 1935Hurricane Victims Monument in Islamorada K.y, FL. It's a bas relief of palm trees bending under tremendouswind, with a plaquethat remembersthose who died in the Great Storm of 1935."Hurricane proof" housesin the Keys help new residents imagine safety. DAY2: Helltown, U.S.A., is Centralia, PA. A coal vein has been burning under it since L96l_.and tlr,ere'sno u)aA to stop it! Yent pipes poke from rocky nooks and hillsides; near some cracks, the ground is too hot to touch. Noxious gasesleak to the surface and housesare condemnedone-by-one,as Centralia is abandoned.All the shopsalongthe main road haveclosed,and the only new building is the fire department. It may be too late for a planned 500-footdeep trench to save surrounding communities! Cool off in another Pennsylvaniatown, Johnstown. The killer flood of 1889is chronicledin two separateattractions (seepage 172).

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DAY3:Peshtigo,WI, is the site of "America'sMost DisastrousForest Fire," memorializedin the Peshtigo Fire Museum. peshtigo was completely consumedin a fiery hell on october 8, 1g?1,the same night as the unrelatedand overpublicizedGreat ChicagoFire. peshtigo's fire destroyedevery one of the town's 800buildings and killed 1,200people. Most fled toward the river, choking on gasesor exploding into pyres. A painted triptych in the museumgives beforeduring-after snapshotsof Peshtigolife- and death-styles.Surviving artifacts could fit into a lunchbox. Outsideis the well-marked mass grave for 350 victims. A garden hosehangs coiled and ready. Travel west to Hinckley, MN, known as "The Town Built of wood," before a firestorm consumedit in 1884. over 400 died in this conflagration.An old train station housesthe Hinckley Fire Museum, which includesphotosof the award-winningvolunteer fire departmentof 1883,and the coroner'srecords.The stonemonument and mass graves are on the other side of town.

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DAY4: Crosswindsof catastrophecarry you south to greet a group of tourists who have beentrying to visit the U.S. sincelgb?-Killer Bees!The first crossingwas at Hidalgo, TX, in 1990.The psychotic main swarrn is punching through a trap line set up by the USDA, and dozensofcounties are quarantined! Meteors hurtle down from above! Hunker down or run, you may still be vaporizedby a spaceboulder the size of Rhode Island. Peer

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into the Meteor Crater at Leeup, AZ, and you'll seehow that would look. The hole is 5?0 feet deep, 4,100 wide, three miles in circumference. Where can you hide? DAY5:Earthquakes!At West Yellowstone,MT, seethe world's most dramatic display of earthquake phenomenain the Madison River Earthquake Area. Earthquake Lake formed when the mountain fell in 1959,with a force equivalent to 2,500 detonating A-bombs. Abandoned homes and resorts still cling to the shores of Lake Hebgen, half-submerged,and old Highway 287 is crackedand visible. At the end of the drive is a visitors' center with a working seismograph. Another earth-shakerhit Mackay, ID, in 1983,measuringT.4on the Richter scale and killing two people. The fault is visible on Double Springs Road off Highway 93, twenty miles north of town. No wonder hardly anyone lives around here. DAY6: Cave-insand collapses!Man tries to control his environment, and is slappeddown! The Teton Dam in Rexburg, ID, collapsedin 19?6.Eleven were killed in the ensuing flood. official state tourism guides urge, "Visit the dam site where you can see the disaster first-hand." A museum recaps the excitement; Teton Flood Mud sellsin the gift shopfor fifty centsa package.The sunshine Miners Memorial, Kellogg, ID, commemoratesninety-onekilled \n a 1972 mine fire. A big miner, made entirely out of welding rods, defiantly clutchesa rock drill. DAY7: The earth explodes!No time to run! The Mount St. Helens National Volcanic Monument Visitors Center, Spirit Lake, WA, chroniclesthe eruption, when fift,y-sevenpeopledisappearedunder black ash. Walk through a model of the volcano, and look into a simulated magma chamber. Climb to the top of the real volcano,if you dare. A sign in the Forest of Nicene, near Aptos, CA, marks the epicenter of the 1989San Francisco Earthquake and apologizesfor the lack of noticeabledevastation. Southern California's Ripley's Be' lieve It or Not Museum, in BuenaPark, displaysthe crushedChevy of "Lucky Buck" Helm, who achievedimmortality as the man who survived (at least for a little while) the Nimitz Freeway collapse. "Lucky" was pinned in his crushed Chevy for days until rescuers finally noticedand freed him. His licenseplate is at the Fisherman's Wharf Ripley's in San Francisco.

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JOHI{STOWII FLOOD ilATIO]{AL MONUMENT _ST. MICTIAEL, PA o

JOHNSTOWN FLOOD MUSEUM JoHlt$T0wil, PA a

How do we spell disaster? J-O-H-N-S-T-O-W-N.

In 1889,heavy rains causeda lake up the valley from Johnstown, PA, to crash through a neglected earthen dam. A forty-foot-high wave of water scoopedup small towns and demolishedthe Gautier Wire Mill, adding miles of barbed wire to the wave. House debris, trees, and people were bound in a constricting knot. The surging death ball crashedinto Johnstown, whisking most of the buildings down to a large stone bridge at the neck of the valley. Sixty acres of debris and peoplefinally settled. Then it caught fire and burned for three days. Over 2,200peopledied. Now that's a disaster. Two attractions vividly chroniclethe story in such a way that you're not always sure they're talking about the sameflood. The centerpieceat the Johnstown Flood National Monument, at the St. Michael, PA, dam site, is an artistic gray-toned film, Black Fridag. At the rainy, mist-filled victims' mass grave, the narrator tells us, sadly, "they are the dead-victims of Black Friday. Armageddon-the last judgment . . . " The flood is blamed on fatcat industrialists-like Carnegie and Mellon-who were members of the South Fork Fishing and Hunting Club. They bought the lake and stockedit with fish, but did not maintain its poorly designed dam,jokingly referred to as the "sword of Damocles."Edited scenes from old Titanic and Atlantis movies are combined with the destruction of models. Water explodeseverywhere on-screen.The veritable flume ride endswith a roll call of the dead, while ghostly imagesmarch across " the cemetery. "Grave Number 45, Unknown, headburned off . lavatories. races for the numbed crowd The doors open, and the In Johnstown proper, the Johnstown Flood Museum is housed in the Carnegie Library. Its 1989 Oscar-winning fiIm The Flood presentsa markedly different view. While the rich peopledon't get off scot free in the documentary(the way they did in real life), their belated attempts to warn the town and raise the dam are given valuablescreenminutes devoted in the other film to the screamsof the undead. The lake is describedas "a magic place to meet and picnic," where the privileged "eould stroll and boat with those of their own kind." And while Black Friday left its audiencein a dark, wet cemetery, The Flood finisheswith the triumph of the spirit. "Most were determined to stay and rebuild their town . . . the peoplethemselves went back to work a few days later." A messagethat would warm the cocklesof any industrialist's tiny black heart.

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A popular souvenir in the years that followed the 1980eruption of Mount St. Helens, this shaker set is ingeniouslycrafted. Pepper comes out the crater of the posteruption stump of the mountain; salt is the mountaintopthat blew off. Ceramicsand "food-safegIaze" are combinedwith actual volcanicash from the eruption-perhaps someof the very ashthat buried feisty Harry Truman and his home! Tour Marti's Ash Creations in Morton, WA, where volcanicspew is fashionedinto lovely souvenirs.

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"Nuts are fresh tokens of primeval existence,"explains The Nut Lady. "I mentionedthat on my secondappearanceon David Letterman." Hidden behind a mask depicting the prickly burr of the sweet chestnut, she launchesinto an a coppello,verse from her self-penned"Nut Anthem": "Oh nutttts, have a bee-you-tee-fulhis-tory and lorrrre . . ." The Nut Lady is Elizabeth Tashjian, an artist who has championedthe aestheticcausesof Nutdom since1973.Her antebellummansionand treeshroudedproperty make up The Nut Museum, an environmentalgallery

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Th, WutLad,y uad,les her prize cocoa-de-merat The Nut Museum, OLdLyme, CT.

of nut expression. "I'm tryrng to take the demerit marks off nuts with the power of att," she exPlains. Nuts are everlrwhere,aSare nutcrackers, nut sheet music, nut paintings, and the World's Largest Nut, a thirty-five-pound cocoa-de-merfrom the SeychellesIslands. But the museum is under siege. The outdoor aluminum nut sculptures have been savagedby facelessvandals, and Ms. Tashjian inexplicably gets the civic cold shoulder from a town that prefers to be known only for its diseaseddeer ticks. The Connecticut Department of Tourism has kept The Nut Museum out of its official guide since 1988,claiming that the houseis infested with squirrels. "It was a fabrication," The Nut Lady says. "The state tourism bureau was bought out by somerich, local financiers who want my home. It's a plot." The latest indignity? Ripley's Museum offered to buy her cocoa-de-mer,but she refused. "They wanted to make it into a soup tureen," she scoffs. The Nut Lady points to a painting of nutcrackers and nuts floating in what looks to be amniotic fluid. "In the outside world, nutcrackers are the nuts'mortal enemy," she explains. "Here, nuts and nutcrackers can be friends." The Nut Museum is only the first of what Ms. Tashjian sees as an expanding series of shrines to her favorite seed. She fitfully dreams of a thirty-two-acre nut theme park overlooking Long Island Sound; a pier and line of shops would form a giant nutcracker, its hinge would be the "Nutcracker Suite" restaurant. Ms. Tashjian dons the "Mask of the Unknown Nut" and peeks playfully through its eye holes, waving good-byewith an indelible image to match her philosophy.

UmHouEe PennV's -Belfust,

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You'd have to be crazy to go here. The only nuts on display are four the one still in its shell is labeled "world's largest," but cocoa-de-mers; that's cheating. Homibly decayed dead animals pack the secondfloorsome have their ears ripped off, others have patches of fur missing or facesthat have been smashedand crudely reconstructed.Goats, bears, monkeys, seals, and lions stand cramped shoulder-to-shoulder.Perry's is a popular spot for Canadianswho want to get out of the rain.

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lhe sir-footpeanutin Pearsalt,TX.

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It beganin 1954.Blakely, GA, boastingthat it was "Peanut Capital of the World," mounted a thirty-inch-long cement peanut on top of what it called"the only known statue erectedin honorof the peanut." For twenty years this goliath goober stood quietly, with dignity, in its sun-dappledcourtyard. Then the '70s arrived. Durant, OK, was the first to test the waters, building a thirty-six-inch peanut on top of its own granite marker and proclaiming it to be the world's largest. They should have left well enoughalonebecausePearsall, TX, quickly followed with its own world's largest peanut, this one a whopping six feet long. Texas had one too many boastsof this kind, cried the citizens of Ashburn, GA. They restored their state's honor by erecting a

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fifteen-foot-tallbrick stack, cappingit with a giant crown, and balancingon top a towering ten-foot-longpeanut. "Georgia: lst in Peanuts" is written on the crown, and so it will remain.

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lhe ten-footpeanut in Ashburn, GA. This gargantuan goobereclipses eaenthe giant, smiling Jimmy Carter Peanut in nearby Plains.

WARS SOUIRREL Not one, but three towns use albino squirrels as their claims to fame, and none is particularly happy about the others. Kenton, TN, has about 200 of the furry rodents. Residentsinsist that the squirrels "have beenhere the longest" and claim the squirrels were left by a "Gypsy caravan"in 1869.Is Kenton, we asked, where the other towns got their white squirrels? "Well, they had to come from somewhere." Olney, IL, is the loudest boaster of all albino squirrel towns, titling itself "Home of the White Squirrels." They scoff at the other towns' albinos."Most of theirs have dark eyes,"they told us. Laws on the Olney booksgive the squirrels right-of-way on every street; residents are fined if they try to leave town with one. Local police

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patches bear an outline of a bushy-tailed albino. Big Squirrel is watching you. Olney has overhyped themselves, according to a Marionville, MO, spokesperson."They've got our backsup," Marionville told us, an opinion they've held ever since Olney appearedon the "Today Show" in 1965. Marionville believes that the squirrels arrived in town 'Just after the Civil War" and that they escapedfrom a traveling circus. "The squirrels in Olney were kidnappedfrom Marionville," they explain. Common gray squirrels found in Marionville are trapped and kicked out. Black squirrel towns are downright cooperative,comparedto the fracasbetweenthe albinos.Council Bluffs, IA, hashad black squirrels sinceat least the 1840s,but lacksthe fanaticaleugenicspolicies of the white squirrel towns. As a consequence,Council Bluffs's nearly unique squirrel population is slowly disappearingthrough miscegenation.Marysville, KS, "Home of the Black Squirrels," holds an annual Black Squirrel Celebration and sings the "Black Squirrel Song" as its anthem; the black squirrels have been here sincethe late 1920s,when local historians say they escapedfrom a traveling circus. Or was it a Gypsy caravan?

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fienton, TN, is one of three toums that use albino squirrels as tourist bait.

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The giant pecan that sits in front of the Seguin, TX, city hall was the brainchild of a dentist who wanted to put his plastering skills to civic use.Erected in 1962,the pecanis five feet long and two and a half feet wide, and weighs approximately 1,000pounds. It was dedicatedto Cabezade Yaea,a Spanishexplorer who was held captive on the Guadalupe,"River of Nuts," for ten years. He thrived on a diet of localpecans.Seguinbegan billing itself as "Home of the World's Largest Pecan," a title it held for twenty years. George and Elizabeth James have owned their pecan farm in Brunswick, MO, sincebefore WW II. In 1982they built a concretereplica of their patented Starking Hardy Giant pecan, discovered by George on their property in 1947.The pecansits in front of their Nut Hut roadside stand-twelve feet long, seven feet wide, and 12,000pounds. It beats Seguin by a mile.

UleotffiopUoEoAo We are a nationof meat.Bloodand gristle forgeda fronti4r;meatgave us courage.TheAmericahcharacteris charcoal grilled, and dippdd in Bar-B-Qsauce. Saladbar sissiesbandiveintoour yards and weedthe lawnfor lunch.We'llhave sirloin. While thb vegeterroristsmay have their mompnt, meat reigns supreme.

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TIIEAT FIRSTS 1. Birthplace ol the HamburgerHamburg,NY,orlSeymour,Wl, or New Haven, CT, or Afhens, TX?: Hamburg strikes first with ih claim that two Ohio brothersformulatdda beef sandwichat the 1885ErieColrntyFair and namedit aftertheirtown.Sgymourthrowsfat onto the fire in the [orm of "Hamburger Charlie"NagreenJ-localinventorof the hamburgerat thd 1885 SeymourFair. Louis' Lunch of New Haven (a stillstandingbrick bdanery)sizzlesas the firstestablishment to sellhamburgers as a menuitem,in 1900.Athensgrillsthe competitionwith gn otficial plaque that says that "UnclerFletch" Davis served 'em first in the late 1880s.

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2. Birthplace of ithe CheeseburgerPasadena, CA, 0laims to have served one backin the 1920s,but the townhas not supportedit$ claim with anything physical, like a giant cheddar slab. Cheeseburger buffs should instead travelto Louisville, KY, whereKaelin's Restaurantstillstands.lt claimsto have inventedit in 1934. 3. The First McDbnald's,D,esPlaines, lL: See historiclburger-abiliain the museum basenlent of Ray Kroc's restored1955 gdlden arches;eat at a modernMcD's aOrossthe street. 4. The Flrst Wendy's, Columbus, OH: Noted with a plaque. Still open for business.

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PIGSAI{DPOULTRY PROMIIIENT 5. Colonel Sanders Museum,Corbin, KY: Thecolonel'soriginalrestauranthas been restoredto its 1940 splendor.The colonel'stalkingpot tells his story. An official highway marker certifies the birthplaceof KFC.

6. Grave of King Neptunethe Plg, ltlt. Pleasant,lL: This patrioticporkerwas "sold" countlesstimes duringWW ll to raise funds to build the U.S.S. lllinois battleship.The King is buried in a roadsideturnoutotf lL-146.The llltnots was neverbuilt.

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7. Five-Story-TallChicken, Marietta, GA: Built in 1960 to advertiseJohnny Reb'sGhick,Chuckand Shake,thisfittyfive-foot-tallsheet-metal monster was later acquired by Kentucky Fried Chicken.

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8. World's Largpst Prairie Chicken, Rothsay,MN: A 9,000-poundmalefowl appearsto be peckingtiny touriststo death. Rothsay built it for the bicentennial in 1976.

MYSTERY MEAT 18. Spam Museum, Austin, MN: Hormel maintainsan exhibit of meat historyat the localmall.See old copies of Squeal, the Hormel company magazine,the first canned ham, and "Slammin' Spammy," the bombthrowingpig symbolfrom WW ll.

9. World's Largest Turkey, Frazee, MN: The ThanksgivingColossus. 10.Rhode lsland Red,Adamsville,Rl: A bas-reliefmarkbrcommemorates the breed'sestablishdnent in 1854.

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11. Donner Party Museum, Truckee, CA, and Monument,Lake Tahoe,CA: nd settlers-turned-canni Snowbou bal.

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12. Alferd Facker Sights in Colorado-ilas$acre Site and Museum (Lake City), Memorial Grill (Boulder), and r Grave (Littleton): America'sfavoritecannibal!

19. Meat and Blood Shower, San Francisco,GA: Forteana!On July 20, 1851,this stuff fell from the sky on an unsuspecting populace. Apparently beef. 20. Flesh and Blood Shower, Los Nietos,GA: On August1, 1869,flesh and blood raineddown on two acres of Mr. J. Hudson'sfarm in particlesand stripsone to six incheslong.Also,short hairs!

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13. Buffalo Jump State Historic Site, Three Forks, MT: Interpretivedisplays explainhow hungryIndiansstampeded largeherdsof bis0nover an eighty-foothighclitf. Picnicarea. 14. Coffeeburgefs, Harrison, NE: At SiouxSundries,tly their famoustwentyeight-ounce hamburger, namedafterthe first personwho ate one. Eat two, get a thirdfree. 15. Big TexanSteakRanch,Amarillo, TX: A roadsideinstitution,featuringa seventy-two-oun@ steak. Eat it all, get it free.

21. Meat Shower, Olympian Springs, KY: From a cloudlesssky on March3, 1876,one-to four-inch-square chunksof meat fell on an area 100 yards long by fiftyyardswide.Witnessessaidit looked like freshbeef,but tastedlike muttonor venrson. 22. Frozen Hamburger Shower, Syracuse NY: In February,1957. Airline mishap,or mannasupportingnearby Hamburg's hamburger birthplace claims?

16.Tail O'the Prlp,Los Angeles,CA: Trendyhot dog-shapedhot dog stand.

23.The BeaverFeed,Laurel,MT: Little Big Men Pizza and Curt's Saloonhold the annual Beaver Feed, where participants enjoya smorgasbord of wild beaver meat, venison. and moose sirloins.

17. Reeltoot ll6Fts, Union City, TN: Their mascotis a cartoonIndianwith a hatchet.They don't give tours and they don't like photographers.

24. Testicle Festival, Clinton, ifT: Since 1985,a yearlycelebratorychowdownof RockyMountainOystersat the RockCreekLodge.

BrGB0Vll{ES 31. Albert, World's Largest Bull, Audubon, lA: Forty-fivetons,thirtyfeet tall, fifteenfeet from hornto horn.Giant concretegonads. Push a button and Albertwill tell you in his own voice that he was built in 1964as a replicaof the perfect Herefordbull. Buy a ceramic replicain town. Largest Butfalo, 32. World's Jamestown,ND: Sixtytonsof steeland concrete. Albefi,, th,eworld's largest bull, Audubon, IA. His framework was built with steel saluogedfrom abandoned,I owa win dmills. 25. Gatorland Zoo, Kissimmee, FL: Sells line of gator meat treats and saucesas souvenirs. 26. U.S. }feat Animal Besearch,Clay Center, NE: Government-funded meat manipulation andexperimentation. What willthe vealof tomorrowlooklike?Tours by advanceappointment. 27. Possum Monument,Wausau, FL: This bas-relief granite slab stands across from the Wausau gas station. "Erected in gratefulrec,ognition of the possum.. . Their presence has provideda sourceof nutritiousand flavorful food."

c0itDtMEt{Ts 28. World's Largest Catsup Botfle, Collinsville, lL: lt towers above the BrooksFoodfactory;Collinsvilleis also "HorseradishCapitalof the World." 29. Tabasco Sauce Visitor's Center, Avery lsland, LA: Tour the pepper sauce factory, view a fifm about the origins of Tabasco, and gaze at a facsimileof the capsicumpepperplant. !0. Lawry's Seasoned Salt Factory Tour, Los Angeles, CA: Multimedii theaterpresentation, thena walkingtour through the test kitchens, labs, and production facilities. Dine at on-site restaurant;seasonedsalt alwaystastes betterfresh from the factory.

33. World's Largest Holstein Cow, New Salem, ND: 12,000 pounds of fiberglass. 34. Big Ben, World's Largest Steer, Kokomo,lN: 4,720pounds,sixfeetfour in height, sixteen feet, two inches in length.He fell on ice and brokea leg in 1910.The doctorwho was calledshot him. Big Ben was stutfedand paraded aroundthe countybeforecomingto rest in a glass-enclosed shed in Highland Park. 35. Big Red, Bozeman,MT: "The last ox to pull freight over the Bozeman Pass." On display at the Powderhorn SportingGoods Shop. Purchasedfrom a museumin Helenathat wentbroke. 36. "Steer Montana," Baker,MT: 2,980 pounds.Dead-and on display in the O'FalfonMuseum.Raisedby a former jockey east of town, used to tour local stock shows and circuses.When they foundhimdead,they"strunghim up on a windmill,"strippedthe carcass,and preservedthe hide in a tank of brine. Steer Montanadisappearedfor many years,but was finallyrediscoveredin a storagefacilityin Billings.The bill came to $5,ooo. 37. "New Faithful," Three Forks, MT: One of two cement oxen statuesthat stand outside the Prairie Schooner Restaurant,apparentlypulfing it. The cashier asks newcomers,"Have you seenOld Faithful?"No matterwhatthey answer,the cashierreplies"Well, take a fookal New Faithful!"then hitsa secret button. New Faithful pees/ prairie Schooner regulars often run in and demandthat the cashier"turn him on!" to impressfriends.

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Gonn0ba[ilsmr Whene tlffis onOf,leatUleet One sure way to gain immortality-no matter how hopelessyour social and monetary position-is to eat somebodyelse. The man wiro did this best was Colorado'sAlferd Packer, and the CentennialState has accord-

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far from famished and preferred a hot lunch. Coloradoshowsits appreciationof its favorite sonat the Alferd Packer Memorial Grill, in Boulder at the University of ColoradoMedicalCenter. A small, marble bust of Packer, unveiled by Colorado governor Roy Romer, sits on a pedestalat the hub of the grill. The Alferd Packer Massacre Site, once a remote wilderness, is now only five minutes south of the Lake City miniature golf course. A big sign shows cartoon caricatures of two mountain men, mouths agape in horror or pain as (we are left to imagine) an axe is driven into their skulls. A small rock marks the spot, and a plaque lists the victims. Five white crossesare arrayed in front. Free brochures fill a metal box adjacent to the site, chock full of juicy tidbits about Alferd's ghastly doings. In downtown Lake City the Hinsdale County Museum displaysa skull fragment from a victim, a pair of shacklesused on Alferd when he was in the Lake City jail, and a number of buttons from the clothes of the five men he ate. Aft,er he was released from prison-on a technicality-Alferd became a vegetarian,madea modestliving selling autographedphotosof himself, and died. You canvisitAlferd Packer's Grave, in the Littleton Cemetery. The gravestone cutter-obviously not a Packer fan-spelled Alferd's name wrong.

$piece of Frank Mitter tltat Alferd Packer forgot to eat. Hinsdnle County Museum, Lake City, CO.

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South Dakota's mixed; today, you'll still see Wall Drug signs "tong nowhere almost but overseas, countries in numerous highways and else.

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has a tiny pharmacy (the only one within 500 square miles) but its peripheral amusements have taken over and now extend across several blocks. Wall Drug's famous free ice-water well now pumps several thousand gallons of water cooledby one and one-half tons of man-made ice on a good summer's day. In its "backyard" stands a giant, fiberglassjackalope,a six-foot-tall rabbit on wheels, a replica Indian village that comes to life (sort of) at the drop of a quarter, and a miniature Mount Rushmore photo opportunity. A sign next to the miniature cautions,"Pleasedo not climb on faces."

Store window in Denver-perfonns regularly. It's just down the hall from the Traveller's Chapel, a replica of an 1850Trappist monastery in Dubuque, IA, which is right next to Wall Drug's immense postcard store, which specializesin Wall Drug postcards too numerous to count. Aeross from this stands the Pharmacy Museuma replica of the original Wall Dmg-displaying the machine Bill Hustead's grandfather used to make suppositories.And acrossfrom this is an indoor cafeteria, built around the first tree planted in Wall, which continues to grow through a hole in the roof. The line between successand failure on the prairie is thin, but the Husteads aren't wonried that anyone will shut down their drug store any time soon. Over fifty Minuteman missile silos sumound Wall, making Wall Drug the best-defendedtourist attraction in the world. Bill Hustead's shrewd policy of giving all missile crews (and newlyweds) free coffee and donuts guarantees that it will remain that way.

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The solaceoffered by Motel 6s and McDonalds is a two-edged sword. They offer safety in the wilderness, welcome sights like ttre otA cavalry forts. But their commendabledevotion to uniformity meansyou know what you're missing if you pass their exit. who knows what you miss when you pass the caf6 where they throw rolls at you (Lambert's cafe, sikeston, Mo). The steak housewhere they'll cut off your tie and pin it to the ceiling (Pinnacle Peak, scottsdale, AZ). The motel where you watch drive-in movies from your bed, the speaker in your room (Best lvestern Movie Manor, Monte vista, co). The hotel wirere you can fish from your window (The Edgewater fnn, Seattle, WA). what do touris_tslike to sleep in most? caboosesand teepees,if popularity is any indication. Don Delinger started the caboosetrend with his Red caboose Motel in strasburg, pA. In addition to sleepingin one, you can eat in a rail car that shakesand moves during your meal. The caboose Motel in Dunsmuir, cA, The union pacific caboose park in waterloo, NE, and the Goodrich Motel in Avoca, Ny, all offer similar accommodations.

fimh's Ark

Restaurant in St. Cltarles, MO. Origirmlly built as a steamship, it became an ark when its oumers moued its uund,q,l-prone fi,berglassanimals to the roof.

three wigrvam villages in a caboose, If you don'ttrust your papoose are opento serveyour needs.Individualteepeeunits ring a larger structure servingas the office.The onein CaveCity, KY, is in goodshape, the one in Rialto, CA (its sign reads"Water Beds," and "Do It in a wigwam"), is not. Happily,the one in Holbrook,LZ, onceclosedand We think youshouldstop. hasbeenrenovatedandreopened. abJndoned,

for oaerfi'fiq lne Wb*am Vifioge in Caoe Citg, KY , hns beenin Au'siness you will not be the yau call, when you make-a fy "reseroation" ioke itort. first.

$rckhom Baths, Mesa, AZ: This classic roadside motel is unaffictedbEMesa's modent spraail. Natural hot springs Aubblewt bq,ck,roorns are ind;iuidual Aungalouss,walkuny walls are mnd,ewith Indian grinfl,ing stones,and a wildlife nxuseurnin the lobby features a stuffed, Jauelina Wall. Ali.ce Sliger and, h,erlate husband stwted it in the'30s.Alice still lws the welcomemat out.

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Ule00eYo0 filmeE -Kissimrnee,

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How would you like to spendan evening in a large indoor stadium watching knights joust to the death while you chompchicken and ribs? Zounds! Medieval Times re-creates a typical evening repast at an "eleventhcentu4l" Spanisheastle. MT has been franchised in placeslike Secaucus, NJ, and Buena Park, CA, but the theater in Kissimmeeis the original. "Fifty wenehes and servants prepare the lavish four-course banquet, which is served concurrently with the big event," they explain if you call. "Hi! My nameis Lynn, and I'll be your wenchfor the evening," a young lady announces,serving whole chickens that you rip apart by hand (no utensils in the eleventh century). Cocktail and camera wenchesassist, tending to your various needs. A thousand diners wearing Burger King-esque crowns are seated around the dirt-and-sawdust-flooredarena, where the jousting and sword fights take place. The crowns are color eodedto match the colors of six competingknights. After a coupleof glassesof beer or sangria, the rabble gets in a bloody mood. "Kill him! Go Green . . . Kill that Blue Knight!" screamsone section."Black and White! Black and White!" yells another, stamping their feet rhythmically. Prereeorded fanfares and marches blast over the pA system as the pageantry progresses. $word-fight ehoreography may remind you of a professionalwrestling mateh, but overall the fantasy works. As host Lord Raposomdel Fife says at the close of the festivities, "Got bless Amehreeca!tt

*Wttr Kitt! Kitt!" chnnt Disney World, families at Med,ieual Times Dinner Th,eater in Kissimmee, FL.

GosoBonffia -Denver, CO

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&ro Bonita's strolling mariachi bandwill perfor* for just about ongbodE.

The weirdest thing about Casa Bonita is that it does much better what so many tourist attractions attempt to do, but it's not a tourist attraction. Casa Bonita is a Mexican restaurant. In a shopping center. In Denver' CasaBonita has three floors and seats2,000.Everyone over two years old must purchasea dinner before entering, but the all-you-can-eatMexican platter is cheap. Dress is highly casual. When you first enter CasaBonita you cross a small bridge that affords you a view of a twenty-five-foot waterfall and sea-monster-infestedlagoon, into which plunge Casa Bonita's cliff divers, as well as the losers in the wild West gun battles that are staged on rock cliffs atop the falls. Would you like a cliffside table? No trouble at all! while you're waiting for your meal, why not stroll over to the old-tyme photo Uoittr and suit up in authentic Mexican garb? Watch out for the strolling mariachi band, and don't trip over the little robot with the pencilthin moustachethat scootsaroundsaying, "Buenosdias!" and "Caramba!" send the kids offto Black Bart's hideout-funhouse,or the puppet theater that projects Three stooges shorts between shows. say, aren't those jugglers and monkeys in costumeover by the Casa Bonita jail? G your food ready yet? Maybe you should explore the rooftop garden; it's not really on the roof, but it does look out over authentic Mexican tiles. Or how about the Gold and Silver Mines?The Mayan Room?The Governor'sMansion?Here comesyour entree, but a furry orangecreature blocks the waiterrs path!

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The Royale Hospitality Group hit upon a great idea. Take generic motel properties in out-of-the-waylocations,redo someof the roomsinto whimsical theme chambers,and stand out from the crowd. Currently, eight FantaSuite Motels exist in six states, and we recommenda visit. The Canterbury Inn Royale in Muscatine is typical of a FantaSuite property. There are twenty-one different FantaSuites, but the rest of the motel's rooms are standard. In the SherwoodForest Suite, the bed is nestled in the branchesof a concrete tree. The Riverboat Gambler Suite hasworking one-armedbandits, with crushedvelour and a red color scheme.Northern Lights has two rooms, the bed is inside an igloo, with the aurora borealis painted on the wall oppositethe entrance. In Arabian Nights, camelsare painted on the walls, and the bed exists in a tent-like atmosphere.Each FantaSuite has its own private whirlpool. All FantaSuite properties have rooms unique to that location. Mus-

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Tlrc sp-oreod,ysseyRoom. champagne is teft,in the rooms, and,as a result FantaSuites are not rented,to minors. Many a prorn night resentation gets Aumped.

catine's is the Henry the VIII Suite, with numerous animal heads on the walls. The flagship Don Q Inn in Dodgeville, WI, has a medieval room eompletewith manacles. But don't let manaclesgive you the wrong impression. FantaSuites go out of their way to present an imageof wholesome,safeexcitement.Most of the customers are local couplesout for a honeymoon,anniversary' or night on the North Pole. some come in once a month tryrng a new room time, or stay several nights and move to a new room eachnight' "u.tt "Our motels are quieter than you might expect," said Muscatinenight managerJohn Carlson. "Couples smile at you when they check in, disappear into their rooms, and are gone the next day. We're not adventuresome. We're just a little livelier than their lives."

lnn fhe Ulo0oooo -Sa,n Luis Obispo, CA

This is the best place to spend a vacation night in America. Located in SanLuis Obispo,CA, The Madonna Inn representsthe best things about a democracy. First, it offers up an incredible choice of hundreds of radieally different rooms. Second,everyone is welcome,and you see them all, from cowboy to corporate, pulling up to this pinkish castle set off on a hillside. Third, its fun is in its excesses.Pink is everywhere-trash cans,pay phones,and Coke machinesare all pink. The restaurant serves pink toast. How different can two rooms be in the samehotel?The MadonnaInn's gift shophas postcardsof eachroom. Each has its own name (painted on the door), color scheme,and meaning. There is, for example, the Safari Room,with jungle-greenwalls and carpet, and upholstery madeof zebra, leopard, and tiger skin. Popular honeymoonspots include the Love Nest and Just Heaven suites. Golden cherubs float from the walls and ceiling of Cloud 9. The Pony Room is supposedto remind one of a barn, and the popular Caveman Room, with a stained-glasswindow of a Neanderthal, of a cavelike stone grotto. It connects,via a secretcrawl-spacetunnel, to the Daisy Mae Room. There is liberal use of exposedrock as decorative material. The rooms are color coded. If you want a room that says lime green, electric blue, or neon pink, you'll get it.

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Even if you can't stay overnight, we recommenda stop here, if only to go to their famous bathrooms. The men's room urinal at first looks like a mere tile floor with a drain. "Am I supposedto go here, on the floor?" you wonder. Since there is nowhere else that looks right in the room, certainly not in the clam-shellsinks, you finally guessyou should.Miracle of miracles, your urine breaks a photoelectricbeam, which activates a eascadeof water from the rock wall in front of you. Wait till they hear about that at home!

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Battletech, in Chicago'sNorth Pier Mall, is the first in a wave of "virtual worlds," where the electronieallyaddicted may spend the rest of their lives. It's a sci-fi battle simulator, using NASA technologyto put players in control of thirty-foot-tall human-shapedtanks-"Battle Mechs"-on 100miles of terrain. "The year is 3028.The Fourth SuccessionWar has begun." But you're not up against somesmug, easily outwitted computer, like in most video games.Your enemies,other Mechs, are controlled by real humans. The Battletech Center is a slick future environment a la Aliens. On the mall's floor below, the Baja Beach Club pulsesto disco music, while upstairs pumped teehnonerdsin XL T-shirts get psychedfor their next deadly engagement. "Lord Rat," one of the black-jumpsuitedrech staffers, gives us our missionbriefing and assignsour MechsLoki and Thor configurations.He inputs our battle names-"Merman" and "Geronimo."We'll be up against novices"Killer" and "Dog." Our training film featurespathetic bungler "Wilson" crashinghis Mech into rocks while a tough female commanderemasculateshim via radio. A "Wilson" is what a "Herbert" was a generation ago. "He's such a Wilson," laughs a wizened Cyberpunk, watching. Rows of combatpods are arrayed in a black-lit tactical chamber.After the film, each player is led to a different pod. The pod's lid is lowered. This is where "100 tons of walking, hulking arrnoreddestruction" is controlled.