Man and Wife

[m~~p~~ 1~~~, ~ ~I~~nI

"Utterly irresistible . . . w ..... ;J _"""~T"2_0_8_8_0_3_ 7_ 43_8_5_2r-7_--L>[.lith, People magazine "Since Avery Corman's landmark Kramer vs. Kramer, it seems every generation has hungered for a heartfelt novel in which a father discovers what it is to be a mother. Such is British journalist Tony Parsons' easily enjoyed Man and Boy. Man and Boy is a witty, often sweet novel that adeptly sorts immature men from true fathers." -Sherryl Connelly, Daily News "A funny yet penetrating look at divorce, parenthood and generational conflict .. . the strength of Man and Boy lies in its plainspoken honesty." - Vic Vogler, Boston Herald "Tony Parsons' first novel, Man and Boy, hits like a series of quick jabs to the heart. This story of a 3D-year-old finally growing up is told with grace and wit; it delivers laughter and tears without stooping to cheap sentimentality ... a novel that is one in a million." -Robin Vidimos, Denver Post

Praise for Man and Wife "The most eagerly awaited sequel of the year ... true to form, true to him, Parsons doesn't disappoint." -GO (British)

"Man and Wife is a clever novel. . . . Where [Parsons] scores is in his ability to write sentimentally. Nobody squeezes more genuine emotion from a scene than Tony Parsons." -Nicholas Coleridge, The Spectator "Funny, tear-jerking, and reassuringly feelgood ." - The Daily Mail "This is lively stuff: intelligent popular literature for a streetwise yet sentimental readership." - The Independent

523.00 U.S. 536.00 Can.

A novel aboul love and marriageaboul why we fall in love and why we marry, why we slay and why we go. Harry Silver is ready to try again at living "happily ever after." It won't be easy: not when he has to juggle his wife, Cyd, and ex-wife, Gina; his son, Pat, and his stepdaughter, Peggy; his own work and his wife's fast-growing career. When Gina announces that she's relocating to another country, taking Pat with her, and Cyd's burgeoning success has made her rethink having another child, Harry finds his fairy-tale ending moving out of reach . Meanwhile, his mother, who has always been his biggest fan and source of comfort, is battling breast cancer and needs him to be strong . Did Harry commit to a steady relationship too soon? Can you love - really love - a child who is not your own? Can you be a good father to a child you only see on the weekends? And can Harry keep this new and complicated life on track or will it all go wrong? When he meets a woman who makes him question everything, his tangled web becomes even more knotty. In this brilliant sequel to the internationally bestselling Man and Boy, Tony Parsons reminds us why he is a favorite author in over thirty countries. Man and Wife is a story about families in the new century, written with all the humor, passion, and superb storytelling that have made millions across the globe cry and laugh out loud .

TONY PARSONS is one of the most well-known writers in England . In the 1970s, Parsons was a music journalist for of

NME, the British equivalent

Rolling Stone, interviewing some of the

biggest bands in punk music. In the eighties he won awards for his work as a roving reporter with magazines like GQ and

Elle. In the nineties

he became one of the most familiar faces on British television, spending six years as a regular guest on BBC's Late Review. He has also written

The Mirror, The Guardian, The Spectator, and The Sunday Times. Tony is the author of two international bestsellers, Man and Boy and One for My Baby (due out from Atria Books in 2004), for

and lives in England with his wife and their daughter. He also has a son from a previous marnage.

Man and Wife A No vel

TOllY Parsoll s

ATRIA BO OKS

ATRIA _"" • •

1230 'wenue of.he "'",erica> NowYor" NY 10020

"I"" boo/;;•• work fro«;".. , N.." ".. C,>on.

Or'19n.lIy p"I>I,
III

.11 the ways that

matter. Ilichard is thef" when my son CatS his breakfa~t (Coco fup". r;ghI1_5"", Pat. J sti ll remember the Coco Pops), Richard is there when my boy plays quie tly with his Star Wars toys (playing '-Iuk-ely because Richard is more of a Harry 1'01!a man. not so hig on light saocrs and Death Stars and Jedi Knights). And Richard is there at night sharing a bed with the rno!hn of my son. let'S not forgcl th.t bit. -So how's it

get him back. I glllKcd 11 my wl leh. It WJ.S still ClrlY. Thcy werc still serving Mc Brcakfasts in hcre . ~C01lrC un: [ said. 'Lt,t me help you with your COat. Wc're b'Oillg. Don't forb>et your football and yonr mim'lIs . ~ He looked out the wind()\.\l at the rain,[ ashed streets of north London "Arc "'C b'Oiug to thc park?' "Wr'rt going to Pans:

We could just about nuke it. ! had worked it out. You don't thin k [ won ldJnst rush otT to Paris with Inm, du you? Nu, we cuuld do 1I. Not comfurtably, but just about. Thrcc houTS to Paris Oil Eurost:lr. an afternoon wandering around the sights. and thcrl- whoosh- back home for Pat's bedtime. Nobody would know we had gone to Paris-that is, his mother ,",uu[d nut know- un,il we wcre safely back in London. All we needed werc our passports. Luck was with us. At my place, Cyd and Peggy werc not around. At Pat's place, the only sign of li fe was Uli, the dreamy German au pair. So [did,,'t have to explain to my wife why [ Heeded my p:lSsport for a kickabout 011 l'tirnrose ['[ill alld I didn't ha"c to cxplaill to my c.'\-wifc why I needed Pat'S passport to play SEGA Rally in Funland. It wa., a quick run dnwn to Waterloo and soon Pat had hi., face Pflb.lImatch we went to tgcthrr, every tnp tn Ih,- cinema-my father waS never afraid that someone would stcal !lIe away, that [ might start c.lling somc other man Dad I-Ie went throngh a lot in his life, from a din -poor child hood to ",,,rid war to terminal nnn-.. But he never had to go through th.t. Wail ml/il)'Ourfall,er,~ lilli/Ie, I was told by my mum, again and again. And so I did. I spent my childhood waiting for my father to corne home. Aud perlups Pat waited too. Um he knew in his hean th.t his father was never coming home. Not .ny more. Myoid man thought that the wor,tthing in th is world ynn can evcr be is a bad parent III yonr ch ild. Ilut th ere's something almost as bad .s that, Dad. You cau be a stra nger. And of cOllrS( I wanted my son to have a happy Iife_ I wanted him to be a guod boy for his mother. and to get on ukay with her new husband, and to do well .t school and to realize how lucky It{' is to have fOUl1d a friend like Ikrnie Cooper_ But I also want~-d my son 10 love me the way he used to 10"'- me. Let's not furget that hil.

Two

By T HE TilvlE T HE BLACK CAli finallycr.wlcd mto the street where he lived. l':lt was fast asleep_ And how sleep Sround Europe." Halfway around Europe? Tim waS. bit rich. lim then wanton ex:lf:l,>eralion was anuther feature of Gilla's fighting slyle. J could11'( help remembering that this was a woma11 who had tr3\Tlrd to Jap," .Ionc wh..,n she waS a teen'b,
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and fucking each others hrains out. Shopping for towels and polS followed by wild, 3th1clic sex. You can'l OC3t it. Cyd was Ihe nicest person I kmw, aud she also drove me crazy. T he only reason J went to the gym wa~ bccau~ J didn't want he, to stop fancying me . My sit_up, we'e all fo, her. I hoped it wonld always oc that way. Uut if you have been badly burned once. you nn nn'n be lOully sun'. After you have taken a ~pin through the divorce courts. forever seems like a very long time . And maybe that's a positive thing. Maybe that SlOpS yOll from treating the 10"e of your life hkc a picn' of sdfassembled furniture. It WaSI1't like that with Illy SOIl. I pbnned to stay with Cyd nntil we were both old and gTly. But you nc,'er know. do you? In my expcrit·nce. relatiun,hips comt· and go but being a parell! lasts .lifnime. What's the e"Prt'ssion? Till death liS do part. Uefore [went into our bedroom I checked on Pellb'Y' She was out for the count but she had kicked off her covers and WaS clutching a Hine-inch moulded-plastic doll to her brushed-cotI01' pajamas. I\,ggy was 3 pale-faced. pretty child with an air of solemnity about her, even whell she was w hat my mum would call sOllndo, meaning fast ",Ieep. TI", doll in her tiny fist ,vaS a s,range-looking creature. COC03 colon..! but widt long blond hair and blue, blue eyes. Lucy Doll. Marketing slogan_l 1_0I~ Lluy Dcl'. Made in Japan bm aimed at the global marketplace. I was h came OIL That was nothing new. This was my world. and I SpS also "mrklllg for my child. N ot the li ttle boy who lived wilh his mother. or the little gnl who hved with me.

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My other child. The om' who hadn't ocen born ytl,

nme home to loud music, wild dluciugllld l house full of three_foot high females in their party dot he'. PvtnhOIllM posters of a few years ago. alld many of her games increasingly featured Brucie DollLm)' Dull's offieial, moulded-plastic COnStant companion. And the rising boy aWareness was ironic because at mOSt of Peggy's social g little girls, '" tht")' Sl'I abom bursting all the balloons.

Four

My

MO T HE R SL [P T WI T H THE llGf!TS ON .

In the hQuse where she had .peut most of hcr lUarrkd life. where she was a young wife and mother. the house that had been her home for so long, she a{tempted to sleep at night

with all her bedroom lights blazmg.

I (ound out because changing dead light bulbs was one of dtc lil11c jobs dlat I did for her 1I0W, There was a light direct ly above the bed she had shared with my fat her for a lifetime. ! realized I w:os changing it every time I weill round 10 sec her. "1 C1U', s.ecm 10 1100 off. J·hrry. [ lay thernCer wou ld surely kill both of them. r didn't think that my mother could live without my father. She v,.'Quld surely die too. But they we re tougher than they looked, women like my mum, those forever wives, the dutiful bomcher, shall weI" We went into the main sch()l)l building and walked down

corridor!; that seemed unchan!¥d from the 0"s sudden ly (urious. And I saw again that we could newr n'Creale what had once exisk-d between liS. We eould be polile, affeCiionale cv"n. concerned abom l'at. bm the 100'e we losl was impossible to duplicate now. IkcauS; away. "AnY"'ay----cungratulatium tu you, mate: ~Thank yuu: "JUSt don't ruin it this time." "What does that mean?" "Keep your head oUl of the clouds and your dick in your trousers "Oil, yes, that's One of the tradi tional "eddillg vows, isn't it? Church of England, 1 believe." ~ I mean it, Don't get re.cles. when the fever wears 0([ Don't start thinking about the grass being greener neXl door, occanseu iug oct!cr. M I tT (,,'0 years in front of the cameras, Eamon Iud a confIdence that wasn't there before . T hese days Ea mon W>SIl'! quite So des_ perate lu be liked, he cou ld reb..,< ;1110 his ,mlerial, knuw;ug that h" slill had control over his audience. Like so many mha people I had worked with in television. his 'ndicncc was rhe one rhing in his life rhar he ,ollld acrually comro!. -I'", thin ki ng of getting back together with "'y girlftil'1ld. Mem. She's Thai. A danen. Well. nOt n-all y a dancer.- Link

78

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TON ~

PAI.ONS

Woody Allen cough. "More of ~ srripper." C~c klc. all around . The scudio audic1lcc was cati1lS om of his haud, Th. I waS less kecn. I had stell my dad's body in the linle back room of the funeral directors olTlce. and I had no douht that the spark that had made him the man he was had flown. I didn't beheve that we wonld find hirn in the graveyard of the old church on the hill, dm church thai looked down on the fields where I had rOOllled with my air ri fle as a boy. My father was somewhere else now. But corning to thi, place didn't make rne sad any more. I can't rememocr when VISiting my father', grave Slopped being ,;;ad. It was after tlw first year or so, whel! we were all starting to be ~,'rateful for his life. rather tlml shattered by his death. Now the visits didn't really feci like act, of mourning. They were mOTe practical in natore~to chan g!tcTQ down$l..irs alld watch a video for a bil?" Our boy look..d stunned. "Can [? I SII' , il bt-dtimt yel?" "T his is a special night_ WIly don', yon go and ""'tch the first mm'~ WI)en Gina ulked to I'll ,lx"'t the iirst iihn, she mnm the first SM' I«m film. "Not all of II- jUst until tht 'd roids get tlkell prisona, okay?" T hat was the old deal.

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wasn't it' That was what she always "sed to say---jU51 r",rillire 'droid, g.t wk"" pn'so"" I had hd beautifuL And sexy_ And nicc_ All the thillb'S that anyOne conld rver walll. -You nevn met my fnmd Kazumi, did you?" Gina said.

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shared a room in To!.,:yo for a year. She's in London now. Trying 10 mak(" it lS a photographer. She fell in 10\'c with Pat. As you can scc. And all at once J wanted to nK"et her. Thi~ photographer who look..-d al my !iOn and saw wilh 10111 clarity hi .. gende, laughing sp irit. T his stranger who sa w through the c.rdu1. unsmiling mask he had klrHcd to wcar. Thi s wOman who could see my son with exactly the same eycs a~ mc. It was suddcnly alive in my head, the Ihought that "",ut absent falhers in onr ..sn't all thaI il was cr"ked up to be. 1'th of Ihe hall. It w~s rcally h'pp"mng. I w.nk..:! 10 do something different with Pal. The usual

Sunday trinity of pictures, park and pizza didn't seem like qu ite enough. r wauted him to ha,-c J greal time. I wanted 10 sec his face lit up with joy. [ wanted him to remember today. So we drove down to Somerset H on", on the Strand, It', a

grand old buikliug stuffed with public rcrortis-ccnificatcs of birth and death and maniaS". All orlif,', paperwork. Bm we weren't going in_ide. We were herc for the (oUlltains. They gave liS colored umbrellas to cover ourselves llld we b,,!~n racing through til{' forest of foullfains in the courtyard. Illy son's face screwed up with delight 3S Ill{' w3ttr bounced off his brolly_ Gene Kdly, llh oughL 5j"g;'" in rhr Raj,,_ Juet I-nongh of the minifoull1ains dm SOllie geni us had installed in the courtyard of tlm hency, And hert it is, Chop a couple Out, would you?" N ow it w.ts my turn to be angry_I took the small packet of cocain e from his coat and flung it in his face . • Is she thc rCaSun yuu',,· fal hng to picces? Some girl? She's b'"Ot a husbaud and kid back in T hailand so you ft'ach for the magic dust' Arc you nuts' You're b'Oing to throw it all aw.ty for one girP" " Not One girl--IIie girl. Don't you understand .nything abuutluv,-, you miserable bastard, I-larry?" "Plenty, pal. l.()()k. I know Mem's a IO"ely looking wonun. Btu there are plenty more fish in the sea, ' "And all of them su slippery, I-larry," I-Ie picked up th,' eucaint and stuff,·d it in his pocket, ful lowed by the scraps of lorn-up photograph, Then he brnshed past Ille, pausing at th e dressing door. "Ah, but how could you ever underslaud, Harry? Sure, yuu're a maTTied man . What would YUll kn ow about romatlct?Tht Sundays were tht worst. With Pat gone, th e day of rest w.ts n"ver ending. I wandered around th e house feeling lost, unable to recog. nizc my life, while in the kioc h{'n I'tggy was h{'lping Cyd to make hn special feciI''' for dun tplings. I could tell that the duml,iings were for Food Glorious Food rather than our dinn er beeanse there mllst have bo.""n abuut si." hundred of them. They were un silvl"T trays .11 Over tht kioch{'n, tll"S" little parke-Is of dough that my wifc and her daughter were carefully stuff"'g with meat, chopped garlic and herbs, getti ng them ready for grilling_ "Texan dUlllplin gs,- Cyd said. " Like the cowgirls eat.' I\-ggy said,

,II"" a"" I\' i/, -

III

I stood in the doorv,ay, watching Ihe pair of Ihem working.

They wtTe both bare-armed, ",-eaTing matching aprons, their black hair pulled back off their lovely faces. T hey looh-J as Ihough th~'Y we re having ~ gI"Cll lime. - u mesomc wilhon! him, hu h?- Cyd said. I nodded, and she robb,.. d my atm. I didn't havc to explain how I fdt on Sundays. 51", loved TIlc ettough to ullderstand. - N ~"ed any help" I said. "What_ from )'.",r Pcggy said Cyd smIled. -Sort·.I'CSb'Y showed lIle what to do. You Iud to gel a lillie ci rcle of paStry stuf[ PUt some meat in the middle, sprin kle on the herbs and garlic, and then fold it shut, pmching the top of the dumpling togethn so that you got this patten! ofindelliations at tht, top. Surprisingly enough, I WaS completely crap Jt it. Myoverstuffed dumpling fell apJrt before it could even be placed on one of the silver trays. At first it w"' highly amosmg to all three of ns that Illy domplings wcrt' rubbish. But aftn a while, as my dumplings continued to collJpse. Ihe joke wore thin . "Not like ,h41, Ilarry,- 1'1:00 sighed. "You're pUiting too mnch m11 inside .She showed me how to do it wi th her nimble little fingers attd ,oon my tedmi'lUl' improved. I could tell dm l'eb"h'Y got a kick OUI of being the teacher. and for a while We were all working in happy dumpling_ma king harmony. Then from somewhere, J fclt a kind of resdcssne,,_ -You know what?- J said. -Mayb,.. rll 1,'0 and sec Illy 111"'11." ~Why

don't you'- Cyd sard _-She'd like that." -Think you nn manage hen: without me'They v..ere both far tOO kind to anSwer such a silly qm's110n.

11 4

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T ONY

•

•

PAR S ON S

•

I wasn't the o nly one w ho was missing Polt. There was a small boy outside our hOLise . A good looking, dirty-folced little kid whose beat-up old bike was slightly too big for him. "Where's Patric k then?" he said. " Pat? Pat's gone. He went last week. To America." The boy nodded. " I knew he was going. But I didn 't know if he was goned yet." "Yes, he goned. G o ne, I mean. Were you at school with him ?" Bm the kid had gone. Peddling off that bike that looked as though it had belonged to an older brother or sister. That small boy, wondering how he was going to fill his day with o ut my son . Bernie Coopcr. Pat's first best friend. When I was a boy there we re lots of people who 1 could go to visit with out wa rnin g. All those friend s whose doorsteps J cou ld just turn Lip o n, and kn ow I wo uld rece ive a warm welco me. Now th e friends were all grown, olnd 1 was a man, and th e o nly person in the world who I co uld visit unann oun ced was my mum . "Harry," she said , letting me in. " Hel lo, love . I was just about to go out. ~ 1 was dumbfounded. "On a Sunday? You' re going out on a Sunday?" "I'm going to the Union Hall with your Auntie Ethel. We' re going lin e dan cin g." " Line dancing? What, that cowboy dancing? But I thought we could watch a bit of tclly. " "Oh, Harry," laughed my mum. "I can watch telly when I'm dead."

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The doorhell rang and a seventy-year-old cowgirl c>me inside. Instead of her usual sensible cardi!;3n. floral skin Jud chunky Scholl sandals, Aumic Ethel frolH next door. who WJ.su·t rcally my auntie 11 ali, was wcaring 1 Stetson. a fring..."d. spangly jackel and cowboy hoots. "Hellu. Harry luv
The bed was (u lL PeS!,'Y was slttping in her mother's arms, sucking methodically on her Ihumb, her dark hair plaslned 10 her bulging baby's foreht'ad, as if sIlt' was fighting a ft'Vt,r. "Bad drd my wife and went to sleep on the sofa. And I truly didn't mind , Peggy needed her 111U111 touight. And alone on the sofa I didn't have to worry about I'cSb'Y waking up. Of Cyd feding tOO tired for sex, or if r was taking up 100 much of Ihe comforter, There was nobody 10 cuddle downstairs, but also nobody 10 ,poilmy sleep. That's tht, thing about sleeping OIl sofas. You gw the deep, lush Harley Street cnpet rush ing towa rd my face. Wllen I awoke I WaS on Dr. Bags;o's couch and Eamon was sitting by my side. Ins face creased with concern. Dr. Bagsio had wrapped something around my arm. I realized she waS taking my blood pressure, "Did your father suffer from hypertension?~ My dad's face swam before my eye •. "What?" "Your blood pressure is 195 over 100." "Fuek me, Harry: said Eamon, "You're the sick oue, tt01 nte. ~ Do you unde rstand what that mcans?~ asked Dr. Bagsio. "It', very serious. The first tl\ llnber is the systolic pressurethe pressure iu til;,t, she was saying. My first wife Iud taught me mort· Ihan I rcther. T hey're om in ConnotCticut too . All of hi s family." "But iI's not what you expected?" "T here's no promised land. is there' I aon Sf;lrting to realilC that now" ·So when are you comiu!; h ome?" She sighed. ~Th is is homc IIOW, I larry. Richard's octn ofrer~xI ~nother job at Uridle_Worthington.~ "What's that' I don't know what you're ,alking about" "T hey'n: brokers, Harry. llridk-Worthmgton ~re brokers On Wall Stree,." " I ,hought he WaS over qualjfied." " It's not exactly what he was looking for. A 1m less money. But they've offTry It's aoou, gcllj"g a belter life For our family." -\Vbat about me? " ' You'w !,'Ot )'our Own family.~ ·Not si"C(' you stoic my SOIl.-

'0

She was slkln for a moment. I could heu her '\Cething, across all thos" thousands uf rniks. "Whlt a rehcf to bb~e,- he said, as if reading my mind, "Gave her a few tips, Her and-Elsie?" ~ E!hd,~ my mum slid. "The Four Sur Boogie'- She lUlled al th e memory. "ThaI's .uch a tough one. All that Ill"'ing: "Pivoting: Ttx gently currected ht·f. "The r'Unr Star B0ogie is a four-WoII1 hne dance: he informed me, as if I gave a toss. "As opposed towmelhing like the Wild. Wild West, which of wurse as you proh>hly know is only a two_wall line dance." '"You from arouud these pans, Tcx?" "Somht-nd. Straight down the AI27, take' a right >t the old Fortune of War pu b," "Graham was an insuran ce salesman: my mum said. - Retired now, of cour",'," Tcx poured tht, tt". "One In mp or (V,o?" ht· askexl mt. - ['m swett enough al ready." My mum snffawl-d al th is as though it was Noel Coward at hi. pithy best. When she wem to the kitchen for the milk chocolatc digestive., I excused m ~ lfto Tex and followed her. "Ilhought you we1lliinc danci ng with Aumic Ethel?" "Ethel's dropped OUI. It's her arthritis. I larry. All that slomping gives her grief Poor old thillg." ~What's John Wayne doing in our front room' What's he doing in Dad's chair?" " j !c's all right , old Graham. D on 't worry abom him. I Ie's harmless. /-Ie gives me a lift home in hi. station wagon. H e's a hit full of him self. I grant you , All the old girls have got a soft spot fOf him: "What abom you?" "Me'" My mum bughl-d with genuine amusement. -Don't worry, I-larry, I'm past all that. When I ask a man in for tt a and biscnits. tim's exactly what I mtan. All he's be in g offend is a custard crc.m.~Met

~ Does

Tex kn ow that?~ I thought of the ohscene risc in the old b'Cnt'S Lc.-vi 's, Although my mum was in her si~ties, I could see how she could c~tch the eye of some randy old git, She WJ.s still a lovely looking WOlllali . "I-I e's not going to start reaching for hi. six_gu", i. he'" I said it with 3 grin, to pretend tll>! I al ready knew the answer. But my mllm wasn't smiling now "I had a husband," she said. "That'l l do me for one life_ IIIlle." "Your mother needs to express her sexuality," 'Ily wi fe said. "She's still a woman: "She's a linle old lady! She should be cxpressi ng-I don't know-ha kmllin g: We were getting undressed for bed. Something we had done perhaps one thousand ti,nes before. It still exciKxI me \0 sec my wife taking otT her clothes. The long limbs, casually reveali ng themselv~os. 1 don't tlnnk she fdt quite the same WJ.y abom watching me pm on my stripy pajamas. "I thin k it's greal she's b'Ot a male friend, Harry. You kn ow how much she mi sses your father. YOll dOll't WJ.nt her to sleep wi th the ligh t 011 for th e rest of her life, do you?" ~Shc waS with myoid man forevcr. She's bound to miss him. And it's right she misS\ts Christ, l'iJrry- ['m not itllen:sted in Luke. Not thai way' ~You

s>id hI' wantS--" " I dou't care wh.t he wams, Wanting is not the S>me .s b>etling. He's s'mrt enough to see what 1'", doing with Ihe compa ny. I-Ie knows I can help his business. I think he cau help my business, I ad,,,,re him, ukay?" "You admire. s:md wich ",,,rchanl?" "He's a brilliant businessman. He's worked hard for ewry" thing hc's 1;\'1. I know hc's a bit flash. I know you didn't like what he said about Eamon. I didn't like it I'llher, okay? Bll! this is slrlctly businl'ss. Do you houestly believe I wou ld dnnk about him in tim way? I don', go around shagging anything thaI moves, Harry. I'm not a man. I'", not you.~ "$0 how docs it work? Yon and old Luke? [,mjust curious about your relationshIp." "J lis company bas mOre work than it can handle. If SOme" thing comes up and they're fu ll y stretched, he calls me." " No---I meau how does it work with you and him? au that other lcvd Docs he know you're not interested in him thaI w'y' Is he cool about that? Or is slill hoping co ,,;
~

I~I

fi,h and chicken on ~ stick md people appreciat ing you for doing a good job. "!'ltase. Cyd. Come with m,'."NQ. Harry" "T hen do whll yon want." I wIll. "

So I kft her at tht patty. kft her fe~ding all thost hard. empty faces and .vent out to look (or, c~b. Iidt her ,here.,11 by herself. ewn th ough J knew she WlS too b'OOd fi)T that place and tOO good for th 05~ people. WI,en I got home l'eSb'Y Iud b..-c" in lx.xI for houTS. Sally WlS on the ,,,(a. idly channel surfmg with one h,nd and soo'hing her b:iby in lis corry-! was the b:iby·s name. I'",,;ious. Sally asked me how the eveni ng had l:,'One-she meant for Food Glorious Food. not the sbl;on- .md I told her Ih~1 everything was fine. Then I b'ot her, mi",cab. Luke Moore drove my wife home. lly th,·" I was pretending to be lSlccp. lying on my side, br~athing elSily. trying to fake the , ,,ft rhythm s of sleep. 1 )"ten("(1 to my wife quietly undressing in th e dark. heard her clothe T hmgs wcren't that bad. [ wanted my TIlarria~ 10 last forever. 1 wanted to get it right this , im~. Gtt it right once alld forever. "13m 1 Jove my wife" -Not your wife. Your lifo. Don'tlct thmgs get to you. Filld

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time for yourself. Control your anxietie •. You need to change your lif". Mr. Silver. You on ly b>et one ofthem.Life. Not wife. You ohviously gtt more lIun one of those . The heart is a.",llil miracle. "[ hk"d tlte way it made lite feel: Eamon said. "Once upon 3 lime. And I wanl~.,j to havc that feeling again ." We were w;tlking in thc grounds of a priv>lC h0'5pital an hour·, drive ,onth of London . Eamon talked abom cocaine as we kicked our way through the Icaves, "",lking ont into the hospital's grounds. He was only halfway through a TWentyeight-day detox program. bUI he was already looking filler than [ had seen him since he w;tS fresh from the Edinburgh Festival. !-It· ,",:IS meant to be playing football this .fternoonsubstance abusers versus the lI11llic-depressives--hul the match had becn cancek''~"en caring too ",uch and caring too linle. The horror stCf'parcms--thc OIlCS who (lid "I' !II court, Or ill ntwspapt"rs, or ill jail---
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And mcr~~,ingly, I Ix-liev! the Mtt Ilar wnh the Gallaghers, bm [ knew that n wou ld make Us happ)" 11 had TIIallY tim..,; before. Ilut mayb!: I tried 3 [ittle too hard II) nllke i, [ike the old days. T he movie was god. And "'o late 10 chan!,'!: your order. J can have the d"ck and you can ha\"C the baby~ I was only kidding- wasn't I'- bm he' smile ,-am,hed 111_ .tautly. "01" COme On. Not the baby thing ag:.ill, liar!)'. You IICVeT

shnt up about il. do yo,," "\VIlal arc you tal king abom? It w::t.su', ,he baby 'hing a6""iu, I"m JUSt pulhng your ltg, d ..hug. You usted to have a ste"ste ofhulllor.' "And you used 10 leI me have a lire." "\VIlal docs thaI mean')" "' know you w::t. nI mt to give up the business. It·s true,

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isn't it? Yi,u want me pregnant and in the kilchen, I know you do,I said nothing, ! low could I deny Ihal I would prefer her 10 rmkc dinn~r for her 6mily nther than half of flShiolllbk u:",don' How conld I deny Ih ~1 I wan!Cd a baby, a family and all the old-fashioned dreams? I wamed uS '0 rn, d.e way'''"" were, Hut.t wasn't kcause I wanted to imprison her_ It was because I loved her T he waiter arrived with our Peking Dnek, and plales of small (;ucnmbu, 'pring onion and plum sauc~. I waited unlil h~ had shredded the duck and gone, "I jusl wanl y'>I' happy, Cyd." ~Then leave me alone. Ill rry_ Lei me run my business_ I-s 'roe _Every time we had one of 01lT ran: nights om. it was as if Peggy w as stic king her fingers down her throol. "Look, i f she was really sick, I'd be as worried as ~'Oll ,'

,llan ! ii's like 10 b.- a siugk pafem." "Is thai whal you thmk? That you're a singk par'Ickcd puh. Vim could hear the sound of broken gbss and S,renS. T hen I S3W her. Knumi Shc W;lS in the qucue ou~ide th at elmrch ou Shaftesbury Avem.t they had mrued mlO a club all1losllw~lIty ytaTS ago. Limdiglot. Gma and I had l,'OIIt thn~ a coupk of limes. I didn't even know that limclight was still open. Knumi was with a bnndl of men and WOlllcn. slightly younger than herself, .l1loIl: Tilt Ui'rld's rnlllJllrilf Dolly. But what did I know? She loved poring over the piclllrcS. and thert w:>s page after page of reproduction., from all the lucy Doll catalub"; down the ab'. You 24----at least it w::tSll't a knifl'-----when I drove her 10 distr:lction with my daydreaming and solitary games. the comforlS of Ihe only child Ihat freq\lently prevented me frOlll coming when I W;t5 called. 13m she had w:med tOO long for a baby 10 ever be lllad at l11e for long.

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"Wait until your father gets home," she would tell me, and it was her ultimate threat. It never frightened me, though. Because I knew they loved me, and I knew that it was a love that was unconditional and everlasting, a love that was built to last a lifetime and beyond. No, what frightened me as a child was the thought of losing my mother. Small, sweet-faced, curly-haired, five feet and a bit, she would disappear up to the little row of shops near our little home on black, blustery winter evenings, the kind of November and December nights that we no longer seem to get, off to buy something for what we called our tea. Those were the years when it snowed in winter, and in my memory at least, the streets were shrouded in the fog of countless open fires. She would be on an errand for mince, pork chops or baked beans, or on Fridays fish and chips wrapped in newspaper-the menu of my childhood. And I would be anxious, unbearably anxious for the return of this woman, my mum, who had just nipped down to the shops. Still in my school uniform of gray flannel trousers, gray shirt and stripy tie, that old man's outfit they made us wear, I would stand on the back of the sofa and press my face against a window streaming with condensation, scanning the dark, empty streets. Searching for the irreplaceable sight of my mother, and tortured by the thought that she was never coming home agam. Cyd and I took my mum to a show. My father had always taken my mother to shows. Every six months or so they would put on their best clothes and head for the bright lights of London. For two people who spent most evenings in front of the television set, they were connoisseurs of musical theater.

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When the film versions ofOklalw",,,!, I~hl Side Slory or My Io"i, LAdy camc on TV, thcy would both sing along, word perfect, My mum would also dancc-shc did a particularly b-ood imimion of the cool_daddy-o ballet of Ihe SllJrh and the Jets in libs Sid, SI"'}'_ For my IllUIll, mmicals were not a passive exp.ddtn b'Wll Hear. Plea,;c look ~flcr this child.

' !'a t! o..cr here! I'at!" The , tcw, rd(";s spotted me hefore he did . He WlS (h min g aWlY to hcr, hIS face pale and senoll', and then he saw me

through til t legs uf all tho",.., arriving touriStS .lId business types. 1Ie broke away from the SA girl . lId r.H1 10 my arms, and I was on my knees, holding him tight and kissing his mop of blond hair. " Let mt look 31 you, darling. ~ 1It grinn ed and yawned . and [ Saw thaI th .. gumm y gap that had "" istcd at the (ront of his month Iud chang~-d _ There \VCre IlQW two lInC"en (ragl1lcn~' of pure white bone pushing through. Thc tctth that would h.vc to last him a lifnim c. T hrre war ot her changrs. lit w.s t:lllcr. and his hair w.s

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maybe slightly d;n i:.t had two $ets of grandparents. Gina's mother had died before our son was born, and although her old man was $Iill out ther" and Pat Iud s~"C n him sporadICally down the Y"ars. he had never been a traditional grandfather figure. Glenn WaS what he h~d always bc.:n-a I~oben Plant looblike who had never quite made it nut nf the minor lngue$. There had becn the odd appearauce on Top oj rI~ Pop. at the cusp of the sixties and S! right. Glenn?" Pat 's ntouth dropped open. "You were on Top l'oI'S~" He had always call ed it 'lop Po'ps. I had given up trying to corrl'Ct him. I sort ofliked his mIStake anyway. -With tbis very linenp. Oh. aparl from Chalky Brown On drums. liy the time we did. 'Houndhouse Lady," we had Snif" fer ~nge on the skins." Pat """ encbamed. He had nevcr imagined his errant grandfatber 10 be capable of such glory. And Glenn was hU111 bled and happy. perhaps happier than I had ever secn him. My father hated talking about his past- the povcny in the E:tst End. the service with tbe Royal Naval Commandos, the death and destmetioll of the war, the nincteen -yea,-old frkllds who lIever cam,... home. Hut Glcllli didll" fed the same way about his owll past- pl aying The Scmc as the Trolley Boys with Pele Townshend and Hogs,n.lrmailt'nvt'-

lope on the welcome mat. My name and address in Gina', neal. elegant handwriting, And msidc, a phowgraph-a man, woman and chIld standmg by a white picket fcnce in dazzhllg sunshine. Pat "':os al the from of the pi clUre, in faded PhanlOm Mma(f T-shirt

and shorts. squiuting in the light Gina was right behind him. one hand rai,,--d against the SlIn, the other lightly resting 011 our SOil'S shoulder. She WH thinner than [had ever S~'C11 her,

wearing SOUle worn sweatshin wilh the sleeves pulled up. Bm for .11 the years and whatc\'{'T lin troubles ill h'S or" ~ white daphoard house_ I-Ie didn'r look happy_ I-Ie h.d (he look of an exparriate who had n:run1l'd home, but nOt in trIumph.l3ur what did I know? He had married my forrncrwife,

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he lived with my only son. I couldn', think of him a. a loser, Tltere wlS a piece of p'p.,r still itt tlte Cttvelopc, A 1101
witlt I,im-llra,,, "jlal. Will call yet, ",J'fII "" gel

;11. Pal

J«IfIS ro

I,,,,,," Iwd" good I;""

I~I-h,

d{)/'J "'I say "lIId, _PI/'dSf" II'm,k Cyd. I hoT'f Y"'"

",;Ih Y"'" Bm yet, k",,,,,

"'''''' is ok"y_ Gol 10 fl.OGin" "l'kllo,l'brry, n Peggy was at the top of the suirs. She was drcssed m a long, white lacy dress with short putTed -up skt'Ves. She looked like a bride. Or an angel. "You look lovely, Peg: -My daddy's getting married. To his girlfriend. l iherty. She's a nUTse. From Manila. I'm going to be their brides maid: "Come on: Cyd said, appearing on the lattding next to her_ "Yon gs W{"fC good. though- Eamon wild -l'yed and windswept. hts dark good looks almost a pan of the Kerry landscape. And very. very moody. Or perhaps it was the celebrity chef that made him crack. Eamon's first chore on ~VJ[krd It lNfd was II1tervicwlI1g Wee Willi,· Hi scoc k, the lovahle Livnpudli an cook. All through th,' big Engli,h breakfast Hiscock blJt:lntly plugg~x1 his new book. RIg/II ill limr Glib/,0k, 'fiN>, /:kI""", I. od. the sequel to his bestseller, Ri.~I" ill y"", GoW,oIe. Boo",", Lad. Eamon had always been averse to , uch blat.:lnt promotion, but wh"re he had hap_ ptly slapprd it down Olt Fish "" Friday. now he sccm.. d unablr to stem d, ~ flow of plll!,'S. Or perhaps it W:lS the boy group thlt pushed him over the edge. Hermiune Gates made no secret uf the flet that she was a h"b'm the yeus when I was a child, Their aches alld pams, the pills that 1I0W had to be: taken. til,\,'" Gina said. "It's driving THe nuts alld it sounds like ,hen: an: a lot of them. Some SOrt of party. I' m afraid 10 knock on ,he dOOT." I put my hand ovcr the momhpiccc. "Gina's 111 10wlI. ThtTe'~ a problem with the fln. Noisy neighbors." "'Iell her to ("111 the police," Cyd Sol! up in Ix:d. She was wcaring this old Tom l ....,tty T "shirt. When we flTSt started. even when we were first muncd , she us! she had turned down Ihe olTer 10 sell him Food Glorious r"O<X!, Cyd's freelallce work with Luke Moore waS really takiug ofI Sh" sudd wly had a spale of early rnorniug brclkflst meetiu!,'S to eltcr, 111 these jobs in the City and the w~.t End where bnsinessmen ale Croi'S.llHs,l'a;/I all mui/l and six kinds ufoogds. And whilt my wif,' 1,'01 her early nights, I waS oft,'n Out into Ihe early hours, supervising umon's re(Urn \0 stand-up_ N ow that Ihe TV show was over, Eamon was going back \0 his roolS, doing stand-u p fur the first lime iu ynrs, even SUme open-mike smlT, and thinking "oom taking Ins act ou Ih .. road. There WaS no money in it at this stage, Jnd Illy savings account Ws the heart of his eraft, Ihis was wher as Kaz umi lay d '3stdy in Ill y arms .>, do }~)U st ill have sex wllh your WIfe?" "I (an Idl you Ihe an~wcr to that now. " "No: She pressed a finger on my lips , "'krause 1 don 't wa nt you to start lyi ng to me. And even if Ihey leave their wife, 11 nevcr worb. I don't know why. !>ricc too h igh, maybe." And I was tom , I watt ted to look afler both of d, elll , To love both of them. Ka1.11mi and Cyd. l n Ihe way that they both deserved. And already I knew that was .mpossibk You can love two women at once, but ,,01 in the way they desCTve. So I was forever looking for d, e exi t sign , tryi ng doors , see king a way om of th is chaos . And I did it with Kazum i as ,,,"e ll as Cyd. In my m.d moments, when it all beca me too much alld th~ music stop~d, I wa1l1~d somcone-Cyd, K~zu mi , o"t" uf Ihem, clIha of th~m - to reveal so melh lllg so pai nful that it woul d drive me ~way, that it would scttle thi ngs on~e and forever. "You se~m to know" lot about sToudly lossing oul Ihe ,,,me'S of her c:<ercis, after you Ir,.c had s~x and fallen asleep . the scnmivc condom cuddles thc girl and talh to hc r ahout her fedi ngs. s"nslIivc condoms send nowe,..; the next day. N.,vcr furgrt to cal1 ... ~ A s...."'l1 of bugl",:r in the audkuct, IIlil<ed with a few groans. There "...asn 't the easy willi ngness to lallgh Ihat yon found in a TV audience. There w:os a kind of Cllstomer who came to these 'hmgs for the pItasure ofbairing the pour sap UII Stab"" 0111 in tIre smoky darkness. SOllIe uf them werc reslless ~Go' any (okc. Eamon'" ~Ah, I don', do thar anymore: Eamon said m,[dly. "T he doctor gave m.. suppositories for my addiction. Ito[d him th(y

,wren' t working. He said, well. have yOll ken u king them reglll~rly? I said- what do you Ii,i"k I've k,'n doing. Doc? Shoving them up my an;,:?" More bnghter. And some boos · Yeah. sensitive condoms. People say_ wearing a condom during sex is lik~ wnring a raincoat III the showtr. Th~y'vt b'Ot to oc kidding. With all th ..st new dise,"",s, 1101 wearing a condom during sex is like wearing ~ live (usc box in the \xtth . lau[;htcr and a srn.llerlng oflllcceasingly vitriol ic abuse. "You losn, Eamon, you has·b.,e n!" "Fuck offback to the detox dinic!" ·Waiter. Ihis (ish is om" "Condoms, yeah." The little Woody Allen cough. "These d.ys ~"Oid. • • •

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It w:lS a big city but a small world. Sooner or later We .....""Cre ~:oi ll g 10

Ix· sten togtthn. Natl1rally W~ avoided the da1lgt"T ZOneS of nonh and C off KazLlmi "To be honest. I want her 10 corne b>.ek.~ - T his" Kazomt," I
and the crack deaicrs. LiSlen. Richard, w.., haw to b'O, Good luck "ill, ... tvtr)'lhmg," 1 watched Knumi and Richard sn'ihng and shaking hands and I thonghl of Gin~'s old bllil theory, knowing he didn't have' ch, nc" in h..,l1 of gening her II,,!:. T ht" we left h"n , our drinks abruptly ,b,IIOOned , my b'lllit htrding liS out ofth.. door, And that's wh..,n J remembered the key ill Illy pocket We let ollrsdV
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In our linl" b'1Jest room my wife had suitcases and overnight bab'S OP':11 01 1 the siugk bed, aud covering wlm looked like every spare square 111(h of the parquet floor, Some of the CJ~S werc almost cmply. Olhers were already ftlling up with hooks, toys, C D_, and wimer doth es be Longing 10 both her and )'t-!;b'Y' By dl
quiet little ,",ay. I don't plan ten ye~rs ahead. If you ,",ant a b'uar~nttt, buy J IrnSler, Now I try to apprttiate what I've b'Ot: Shc took my hand, -And apprcciate how nlnch I'm loved: -You're going to be around (or years, Mum . You've beatcn this thing. You'!! Sl"e 1>;'1 grow up: 1 really wanced to belicve it. " It's hard for people," she s:l id, as i( she hadn't heard a word J had said. - I lhin k your d ad (cilihi. way. WIlen he came back (wm the wn. Whu cou ld he tal k Io--rcally talk to-about what hc'd been throu~h? Only men who had been through the s:lmC thing. The oncs who knew: She showed me a leaflet. It was onc of those pink and purpic breast cancer kaflct:s. But this was a new one. -You can get train"'g: my mum s:lid , opening the kaflet. "They train you to be a counselor. So you can talk to women who arc b'Qing through the s.ame thing you went through. And 1 know now that's what J want to do. J w ant to help women that are fighting breast cancer. Sec, Harry? J can actually say it now. 1 couldn't (--en s:ly it beforc. CaIlCl'r. As if I had sorllcthing to be ashamed of. as if it was my fault. Do you rcmember a you"g blnnde girl at thc hospital? A pretty tbing' A bit younger than YOll . Two little boys. she bad. little smashcrs. About Pat's ab'C: 1 had a V3b'11C memory of a p ale young womcn who wa, in my mother's ward althe hospitaL -Well, she died: my ""llU said. her eyes suddenly welling up. -You're 1101 b'Qing 10 d ic.-1 want to tal k to girls like that Women, J mean . You have to 011 them women "ow. do,,"t you' Well, shc was just a girl to mC

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Pat nme into the garden, bored with the DVD. He hadn't W3111Cd to come to his gnndmothcT's housc today. Bernie Cooper had asked hint over to play. ! fclt guilty doing it. but I Iud persuaded my son that we Iud to he with his grandmother now. Because my mum was right. Normal had changed. And I had nO w.y of knowing huw lung we had left. ~My t\>."(l heautiful hoys: she said, throwing open her arms. "Hng me. The paIr of you. Come on, I'm nO! going to break.~

So we hngged ht"T, and we laughed as we bnried Onr faccs in till! Dolly I'arton wig, and we knew that we loved her more

than anyone on the face of the earth. Pat wandered b.ck to the living room, and my mnm smiled with 5.:Idncs, and happiness all at unce, panmg my shoulder. ~Your dad would be proud of yon." llanghed. "I don't know why.~ "Because you\'e taken good care of me throngh all this. B~'nusc yon love your son. Ik:causc you're a !,"OOd !IIall. You always com pare yoursdfw YOllr dad and ftnd yourself lacking. And you're wrong, Harry. No matteT how tall your father is, ynn still have to do your own grnwing.~ "But how did you and Dad do it, Mum? How do you love som!rcct a!1r yens, hm W:lS finally ~:oi ll !; 10 tdl me wlm was 011 hi s milld. "!"HIx: glad whell you'("C out of Pcf;b')'S lif.. shouting at someone, but I couldn't work out who, and then I ,,'Ot it, It snmcd strange to me that, Out of all the pk ... lovely," -lex said. ~Thanks." My mum smik, that must be standard procedure_wI ping her eyes on th e sleeve ofher Marks & Spe'"er pajamas. - Is this okay with you?- shc asked me.

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I took her in my arms. "It's more than okay. This is great. This is the very best." Then my wife looked at me and smiled, and for perhaps the second time in my life, I knew why I was alive. "Wait a minute," Eamon said. ''You're staying with your wife because of some stupid wanker in a BMW? Is that what you're saying?" "I didn't say that." ''You said the accident changed everything. That she was packing her bags before that happened. She was leaving you, Harry, and you were ready to begin again with someone else." Would Cyd and I have split up if Peggy hadn't had her accident? In my heart, I didn't see what could have stopped us. That's how fragile all this is, as gossamer thin as a spider's web, as intricate and fragile as that, meticulously built but easily torn apart by a few cruel, casual blows. My parents' marriage looked like it was made of sterner stuff. My mum and dad genuinely believed that they couldn't be happy with anyone else. And I knew that wasn't true for me. I could have been happy with Kazumi. Just as Kazumi could find the human bond we all seek with some other man. And just as Cyd could have found someone else to love her. That didn't make what I had with my wife feel like nothing. In some ways the knowledge that either of us could survive without the other made what we had seem even more precious. We stayed together because we chose to stay together. In a world full of choices, we chose each other. "There's the baby," I told Eamon. "That's the thing that really brought us back together. This little baby we're bringing into the world. We are going to be a real family. Maybe we were already."

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He didn't look convinced. I knew he wanted certainty from me, cast-iron guarantees that love would last and marriage would endure. But like my mum always says-if you want guarantees, kid, buy a toaster. "Listen, Eamon, the reason I'm still with my wife is not complicated. I'm with her because I love her." "Like you loved Kazumi? Or in a different way? A different kind of love, or exactly the same kind of love? I need to knOw. What if it had been the other way round, Harry? What if you had actually slept with Kazumi in Ireland? And you hadn't slept with your wife back in London? What-and this is the big one-what if the other woman was the woman carrying your baby?" "WeJl, then-" But I can't answer. The chaos that lurks just beyond aJl of our front doors is sometimes best ignored. All the other women I could love, all the other lives I could lead, all the babies waiting to be born-I just can't think about all of that today. Mter all, I'm a married man. The blood pressure was down. The hypertension was easing. The blood supply to my brain was not going to be cut off any time soon. Good news, I thought. I want to see this baby grow up. I want to be around long enough for this coming child to think that I am an old fool who doesn't know anything about life. I want to live long enough to see my youngest child become an adult. That was the plan now. That was my new ambition. Increasingly, it felt like the only ambition really worth having.

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"One-thirty-five over seventy-five," my doctor said. "Not bad. Not bad at all. You're keeping your weight down ... you don't smoke ... Getting plenty of exercise?" "Thirty minutes of cardiovascular, three times a week." "That's just about right. You don't want to over do it. These days the gym is killing as many middle-aged men as cancer and heart disease. How's your salt intake?" "Never touch the stuff" "Caffeine?" "Well. Difficult to give up those cappuccinos. But I've cut back." "Sometimes we have to stay away from the things we love. And learn to appreciate the things we need." And I saw my wife's face before me. The black hair cut in a China chop, the wide set brown eyes, and the toothy smile, the little nicks of laughter lines that were starting to appear around her small, sweet mouth. That face so familiar, that face so loved. "But what if they're the same thing? What if we realize that the things we love are the same as the things we need?" My doctor grinned, packing her blood-pressure kit away. "Then you don't need me anymore," she said. Peggy and I came through the gilded doors of the department store and were immediately assaulted by the perfume of a thousand different scents. The store was crowded, and we instinctively reached out and took each other's hand. "Look Harry-free manicure! They do your nails and you don't even pay nothing at all!" "Maybe later, darling." We caught an escalator up to the department for children and babies. So much had changed since the last time I became a father.

Or perhaps Gin. and I didn't have th e money to SO shopping for ewry baby aid on the muket. 13m a 1m of this slUff waS cornpletely new to me, A baby bounccr---()b.y. I recognized that. and vividly recalled Pal bouncing up and down like a linle t(lOlhless Buddha. baring his gums with delight. lim a crib railtcrthcr to Slop , baby gnawing its crib---w]wn did th')" sun selling th.t? And" car toy tidy-surely toys were still just chucked all over the bac k seat> And 1ok at all this other gear-a Nature's Lullaby Baby Soolher (plays four relaxing sounds 10 soothe baby 10 slN.-p), • Baby Ihlh Float (a sort COCOOn shap" III kcrp baby's head om of the W,tcr and its body flootillg S;lfcly ncar the surface). And shampoo eye shields-protective glasses for Illir v,ashing. Now thai> clever. now th.t·s • brilliant id ea, Pal could have done with some of thOM'. And look at thi5-. ,uction bowl! A strong suction base to prevent spilla!,..: at mealtime! The twenty-fIrst-century baby doesn't even get to throw its food around! ~What wIll they think of next. Pe g? Peggy?" And th.t's when I realized she was gonc. The fcar ran through me like a fc\'cr. I searched all over the children's department. hm she wasn't there. And I th oughl of her falhcr. who had gone on hOllC'nhcartcd kid that my SOn waS growing to be, Hor.;cs and SUTS, My son was enchanted by horses and surs, and my falher wonld have been enchanted by that, A hard man for as lOllS as I could ,,'member, the hardest mall ill the world, my dad had never st't'mcd qnite SO hard after I'at WaS born, Perhaps that's what grandchildren arc fo,- to allow }'QU to gi"c unconditionaL unchanging love one ]ast time. $onwthmg frozen deep inside my father began to thaw on the morning that l'at was born. and I knew that my dad would have continued to soften with tlw passing of the yeaTS and with the coming or tile new baby, We juS! ran out of time, tlll t's all. "Piek the higgest star you can sec: I told Pat, -Pick the brightcst OIlc, And that's your grandfather w.ltching over you, And that's how you will always know." The stars are like photographs. You can read into thcm what you will. You can believe that they measure all yon have lost, Or you Can beli'T" that they rcpT