Years of Minutes: The Best of Rooney from 60 Minutes

Years of Minutes

This page intentionally left blank

ALSO BY ANDY ROONEY

Common Nonsense Sincerely, Andy Rooney My War

Sweet and Sour Not That You Asked Word for Word Pieces of My Mind And More by Andy Rooney A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney The Fortunes of War Conqueror's Peace (WITH BUD HUTTON) Air Gunner (WITH BUD HUTTON) The Story of The Stars and Stripes (WITH BUD HUTTON)

This page intentionally left blank

ANDY ROONEY YEARS OF MINUTES

PUBLICAFFAIRS NEW YORK

Copyright © 2003 by Essay Productions. Published in the United States by PublicAffairs™, a member of the Perseus Books Group. All photographs © 1982-2003 CBS Worldwide, Inc. All rights reserved. Originally broadcast on 60 Minutes. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information, address PublicAffairs, 250 West 57th Street, Suite 1321, New York NY 10107. PublicAffairs books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 11 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02142, or call (617) 252-5298. BOOK DESIGN AND COMPOSITION BY JENNY DOSSIN TEXT SET IN ADOBE M I N I O N

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data Rooney, Andrew A. Years of minutes / Andy Rooney.— 1st ed.

p. cm. Essays adapted from the author's commentaries on the television news program, 60 minutes. ISBN 1-58648-211-4 1.60 minutes (television program) II. Title. PN4874.R565A25 2003 791.45'72—dc22 2003062341 FIRST EDITION

1 3 5 7 9 108 6 4 2

Contents

Foreword • xiii

1982

•1

True/False Test • Cookbooks • Space Shuttle • Credits • Weather • Twofers • Tanks • Maps • Gloves • Fast/Slow • Dumb Letters • Car Names

1983

• 17

Youre Fired! • Travel Folders • Teethbrushes • Report Card • Reagan's Budget • Age Limits • Catalogues • Dairy Subsidies

1984.

* 29

Dog Show • Famous People • Hiding Places • Good Statistics • Be Kind to Politicians • The Debate • Politics • Recipes • Telephone Books

1985

• 41

Jaywalking • SuperbowlXIX • Shopping Carts • Valentine's Day • Army, Inc. • Thank Yous • Funerals • Driveways • Ice Cream Cones • Geneva Peace Plan • Geography • Moving the Office • Professional Products • E. B. White • Helmets • Traffic • Magazine Covers • Worn Out • Football Uniform

1986

• 65

Sports Fans • Spies • Presidents • Pill-Bottle Cotton • No Fault • Magazine Page Numbers • Iran/Iraq • Drug and Truth Tests • Datebooks • How-To Books • The Moon • Muscles • Pennies • Walking

CONTENTS

vii

1987

• 83

Drinks • Baseball versus Football • New Products • Supreme Court • Season Slip • Medicine Cabinets • Treaty • Photography • Super Bowl XXI • Talkers • U.S. Embassy • Appliances • How to Carry Money • Arms Control

1988

• 103

Too Much • Warning Labels • Money for Sale • Paint • Free • History Unknown • The IRS • Escalators • Cigarette Smoking • Astrology • Good Things • Pockets

1989

121

Please Cover Up • What's in the Package • Do It Yourself • The Fine Print • Food for Thought • Where's the Elevator? • How to Play Baseball • The Right Tool • Get Healthy • The Price of Gas • On Your Vacation • Without • Lock It Up • Cant Eat It

1990

• 145

Good and Bad Shapes • Pocket Full of Papers • Problem Sleeping • The Return • The Pitchman • High Prices • Census Bureau Forms • Lithuania • Joggers • Crime Stories • Iraq • Iraq Experts • Time Goes By • Arab Dress • Getting Started • Ballgame Food • Beauty Parlor Names • The Cost of Ingredients • Uniforms • The Sound of Silence • Over Population

1991

• 175

Ready for War • War • The End of the War • Gulf War Ads • Senator Alan Simpson • U.S. Postal Service • Church Architecture • Minorities • TV Rules • Baseball Analyst • Harry Reasoner • Clarence Thomas • Soviet Disunion • The Homeless • Sexual Harassment • Sexual Harassment Response • Labels • Bills • Letter to the President

viii

CONTENTS

1992

* 2°3

Progress • Education • Drug Companies • Presidential Families • Movie Critics • Political Platform • Neighbors • Rodney King • Campaign 1992 • The Rodney King Tape • Medical Bills • Baseball and the Debates • Election Quiz • The Plum Book • The Election • Somalia • The Royal Family

1993

• 225

Matisse • The Clinton Inauguration • Clinton's Plan • Hillary Rodham Clinton • Base Closings • School Books • Snow • New Stories • Cigarettes • Waco, Texas • Mike Wallace's Birthday • The Rich • Health Care Plan • Octane • Camp David • Cigarette Taxes • Warren Buffett • Ghostwriters • Letters • College Football • Shoe Size

1994

' 255

Classified Ads • Television Magazine Shows • Ex-Presidents • Roman Numerical • Byron De La Beckwith • The Spy Game • Charles Kuralt • KurtCobain • Kurt Cobain Reaction • The Worst Inventions • Tobacco Company Executives • Medal of Honor • Sports Seasons • Women's Magazines • Lawyers • Dictionaries • Lotteries • Early Christmas • Old Magazine Ads • Two of Everything

1995

• 293

Democrats vs. Republicans • Cold Remedies • Birthdays • The Jury System • Old Farmer's Almanac • Apocalypse • Balanced Budget Amendment • The English Language • Safety • Reward • Doctors • Irish • Smoke Gets in the Eye • Handicapped Parking • Lemon

1996

• 315

Official Holidays • Your Father's Name • The Flat Tax • Tell the Truth • President Clinton Takes a Trip • The Auction • The Montana Freemen •

CONTENTS

ix

Dr. Jack Kevorkian • Foreign News • Presidents and the Media • Time-of-the-Year • Magazine Articles • Sodium-Restricted Diet • Immigration Test • The Election Is Over • Liquor Commercials • My Eyebrows • My Crystal Ball

1997

' 355

State of the Union • Almanacs • Cloned • Team Names • Digital TV • Too Much Advertising • The National Basketball Association • Little Rock, Arkansas • The Promise Keepers • Where's the Story? • Your Nuts

1998

• 373

The IQ of an Audience • Differences • Clinton • Opinions • Valentine's Day • Vans • Olympics • Fred W. Friendly • Tobacco • Andy Reviews The Times • Kenneth Starr • The Cancer Cure • Visitors with Money • Baseball • Impeach • We're the Good Guys

1999

' 399

Andy Answers His Mail • Ingredients • America • Budget Surplus • The Cat Show • Monica • Wealth of Information • Hitler and Kosovo • Mail • Bombs • We Want Answers Not Questions • Old Clothes • In the News • Mr. Rooney Goes to Sea • Where's Abraham Lincoln? • The Bank's Problem • Andy's World • Bumpers • Women on Submarines

2000 • 427 Too Good To Be True • What's the Symbolism? • Rate the Candidates • The Democratic Process • The Commandments • Elian Gonzalez • My Mail • Who Do You Hate? • Halloween • Dont Vote • Austin, Texas • Co-Captains • The Winner

2001

• 447

The Great Country • God Bless America • The Mystery of High Prices •

CONTENTS

Teachers and Education • Most News Is Bad News • Dirty Words as a Movie • Union Air • China • I Get Letters • Bob Kerrey, Hero? • Capital Revenge • Busy Day, Busy Day • Terror in New York • Take the Train • Selling America • Dont Mail Me Anything • Honesty • The Stars and Stripes • The Sunday Paper • New York City

2002 • 477 Play Money • The N Word • The Case for Bigger Government • On Being American • More Annoying Mail • Bigger and Dumber • Sex and the Catholic Church • Palestine and Israel • Knowing the Score • Libraries • September 11 • Martha Stewart • Attacking Iraq • About Asking Your Doctor • Suing for Fun and Profit • Russia and Russians • Hard to Open • Political Aptitude Test

2003 • 505 Presidents in General • A Ten-and-a-Half-Ounce Pound • The Columbia Disaster • Built-in Commercials • On Mixing Flavors • Dying to Kill • The French • Andy vs. Rooney • The "Coalition" • Illumination • Freedom from Advertising • Inside Earth • 60 Minutes's Thirty-Fifth Birthday

CONTENTS

xi

This page intentionally left blank

Foreword

Forewords, prefaces and introductions are usually self-serving little essays that the writer puts at the front of a book describing how it was done, why it was done and who deserves all the credit. This is some of that but its also a plea for help. Everything in this book was originally written by me to read aloud on television by me. Because no one speaks as he writes and no one writes as he speaks, words put down on paper to be read aloud are written in a different style than words to be read in silence by eyes alone. A speaker can add nuances of meaning with inflections in his or her voice or put in pauses and stops for which there are no adequate punctuation marks. For this reason I ask you to try to hear these words as you read them. When these commentaries were shown on television as part of 60 Minutes, they were always accompanied by pictures. Usually viewers would see me saying something general about a subject and then, when I got specific, the editors, Bob Forte and after 1997 Keith Kulin, would put images on screen that illustrated or emphasized the point. The one thing I know that a lot of writers dont know, is how satisfying it is to put down words that are accompanied by pictures. Its fun. When the pictures and the words supplement each other, the impact on the viewer/ listener is more than it would be with words or pictures alone. There are times when the words dont need pictures but other times when the pictures dont need words and that doesnt come off very well in a book of words. The one affectation I have forced on the publisher, Peter Osnos, the editor, Kate Darnton, my assistant, Susan Bieber, and the anonymous proofreaders are my apostrophe-free elisions. Because I write my scripts to read myself, I dont spell "don't" with an apostrophe. I spell it "dont." We all know the word and it seems foolish to put in an extraneous apostrophe. Punctuation marks are devices we use to make the meaning of sentences clear. There is nothing confusing about a word like "dont" printed without an apostrophe to indicate an omitted letter. Thats not true for all words that

FOREWORD

xiii

usually have apostrophes. Its difficult to make a general rule because there are places where leaving out the apostrophe doesnt work. If I wanted to elide "I will" without the apostrophe it would come out "I11."That's another word altogether so I make an exception and spell it "I'll." Exceptions are based on nothing more than what I think might be confusing to me as I read the script aloud. Following is a list of elisions in which I dont use an apostrophe: arent, cant, couldnt, didnt, doesnt, dont, hadnt, hasnt, havent, Im, isnt, its, Ive, shouldnt, thats, theres, theyd, theyve, theyre, wasnt, werent, wont, wouldnt, youd, youll, youre, youve. That wont bother you, will it?

xiv

FOREWORD

I982

This page intentionally left blank

True / False Test Kids in school love true-or-false tests because they have a 50-50 chance of being right even if they havent studied at all. Teachers like them because theyre easy to correct. Tonight, I thought we'd have a little true-or-false test of our own, just for fun. 1. First question: "President Reagan was never nominated for an Academy Award." True or false? True, he never was. He's probably a better President than he was an actor. 2. "Theres no business like show business." True or false? True, but theres no business like the insurance business or the used car business, either. 3. "Hamlet is the name of a small town in Iowa." False. 4. "Things will probably get worse." True. 5. "Houston, Texas, is bigger than Dallas." True, although a lot of people dont think so because theres never been a television show called Houston. 6. "There are 5,280 yards in a mile." False. There are 5,280 yards in three miles. 7. "The average Russian lives longer than the average American." True or false? False. Living in Russia, it just seems longer. 8. "The square root of the hypotenuse seldom comes up in real life." True, it seldom does. 9. "Abortion, gun control, nuclear energy and school prayer are three subjects to stay away from when talking with friends." False. Theyre four subjects to stay away from when talking with anyone. 10. "A penny post card now costs 10