What Matters Most

What Matters Most | Lisa Marie Davis Prologue SILAS SPENCER was ten years old, when he finally realized that his ...

Author: Davis Lisa Marie

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What Matters Most | Lisa Marie Davis

Prologue

SILAS SPENCER was ten years old, when he finally realized that his imaginary friends weren’t exactly imaginary. They were very much real. Of course, they were also very much dead, but oddly enough, Silas wasn’t freaked out by the realization that he could not only see, but easily converse with what he came to call ‘displaced’ souls, because he didn’t like the stigma attached to the word ghost. His grandfather had always told him that the men in their family often possessed unique ‘gifts’ that many couldn’t understand and what people couldn’t understand, they tended to dismiss as impossible or insane. His mother was among those people. When he tried to tell her about his ‘gift’ she dismissed it, told him she didn’t want to hear him say such a thing again and she even coolly insisted that her father-in-law’s brain had long been pickled by Irish Whisky combined with homemade Moonshine. But Silas knew better; he knew his grandfather was right. He had a gift, however perplexing it might be and he took pride in it because he knew the gift gave him a chance to really help those who needed it.

2


More often than not, those that came to him didn’t realize they were dead, or they just wanted to connect with someone one last time before crossing over. At least, it was that way in the beginning. As time passed, his ‘otherworldly’ visitors asked him for help, in getting a final message to someone they were leaving behind. Usually, he could convey the departed’s final words in a letter with no return address, or a phone call from a phone booth that couldn’t be traced back to him. And naturally, he never told his mother what he was doing. She would have gone into full meltdown mode, refused to allow him any time alone with his grandfather, and his father would have backed her because John Spencer usually did whatever it took to avoid dealing with an angry Mary Spencer. “My boy has no balls, lad. Damn shame, too. Don’t you be like him, ya hear?” Grady Spencer never pulled his punches, which Silas respected and admired. For four years, he was able to confide his experiences with his displaced spirits and Grady never doubted him; he just told him to always do what he knew to be right. The idea that he would ever have to live without his grandfather’s support never really occurred to him, until one night, just after he turned fourteen, he awakened to find his grandfather sitting on the edge of his bed and instantly, he knew. Grady Spencer had come to say a final goodbye. “My life was a good one, lad, so don’t you be sad.” “Grandpa…”

3


“You got a gift, Silas. Use it. And always be true to yourself, no matter what.” When his father told him the next morning that his grandfather was gone, Silas only nodded, but said nothing about the final visit. He knew it would anger his mother and he considered it personal; that his grandfather had cared enough to see him one more time before crossing over was a reality he held close to his heart. Wanting to honor his grandfather, he never shied away from helping anyone who came to him, and he made plans to do more, once he could live away from his parents and his mother’s disapproval of anything and everything she didn’t understand. Of course, he didn’t expect to be thrown out of his parent’s house when he was only seventeen, but that was exactly what happened when he set his mother and father down and told them he was gay, that he could no longer deny it to himself or anyone else. He often suspected his father might have found it in his heart to accept him, but John Spencer again proved he was a weak willed man by standing and doing nothing when Mary told their only son to pack everything he owned and get out. It was, according to Mary, too much for her to accept, she couldn’t handle the stigma, couldn’t fathom dealing with the fallout if and when her friends found out her son was involved with such a ‘shameful’ lifestyle. After listening to her rant and rage, Silas felt more angry than hurt by her reaction. His father, when his mother wasn’t watching, handled him an envelope with a thousand dollars in it and the private number to his office. “Call me wherever you settle and I will send more money.” Pride urged Silas to hand the money back over and tell his father to go to hell, but reality spoke a little louder, reminding him that he really had 4


no way to support himself, which meant he had to rely on his father’s secret help, at least until he could find a decent job. “I guess money is easier to give than acceptance.” “You have every right and every reason to resent me, Silas, but you’ll learn in life that a lot of people aren’t as strong as you. You are more like your grandfather than I ever was, and I admire you for that and I have no doubt that, because you are so much like him, you will be fine.” It was the first, and the last time, his father ever made such a statement. When Silas called and told his father he had landed in Atlanta, John took his address and said he would send money monthly, but he asked that Silas not call him again for fear his wife would find out and possibly leave him. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, risk losing everything. “When I get a job, I’ll pay back all of the money.” “That isn’t necessary, Silas.” “For me, it is. I don’t want to owe you anything. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” “Silas…” “I’m not sorry I’m gay and I’m not sorry that I have this gift that makes me different, but I’m sorry for you, because even if I have some hard times ahead of me, I’m free and you will never be able to say the same. That is sad and you don’t even realize it.” Three months after moving to Atlanta, he earned his GHD, started taking college classes at night, and found a job working as a researcher for Peterson, McGuire, and Lawson, a prestigious law firm that allowed him a 5


flexible schedule. It worked for attending college but it also gave him time to get lost in his true passion – painting. He even hoped to make a name for himself in the art world but he knew how elusive such dreams could prove to be, which compelled him to earn his degree in business management and marketing. When he had his degree in hand, Peterson, McGuire, and Lawson offered him a job as Office Manager and the salary they attached to the offer prompted him to happily accept even if it wasn’t the most exciting job in the world. He had enough excitement, trying to deal with his ‘visits’ from those he was destined to help. It wasn’t a nightly occurrence, but close, and normally he could stick to his usual method of a letter or phone call to deliver the final message and that was fine with Silas. He really didn’t relish the idea of approaching someone face to face, but in the back of his mind, he suspected the time would come when he would have to do just that. He told himself he would find a way to handle it, when it did happen, Despite frequently using his gift, he was still able to focus on work, on painting, but having an actually love life tended to be a more difficult accomplishment. Lovers and potential lovers bolted when he tried to explain to them that no, he really wasn’t talking to himself in the middle of the night; as strange as it seemed, he was conversing with a ‘displaced’ spirit that needed guidance, help, or both. No one told him he was crazy, to his face, but he knew what they were thinking. Truthfully, Silas didn’t really care if people thought he was crazy. He had learned from his grandfather not to worry about the opinions of others, 6


but he did find it depressing that he could attract a man’s interest, only to lose it when he had to be completely honest about himself. Apparently, being successful, intelligent, and good looking weren’t enough marks in the plus column to negate the fact that he talked to dead people, and it wasn’t arrogance on his part that allowed him to consider himself good looking. He had heard it often enough to believe it. At six-one, he stayed active working out three days a week and playing basketball with friends from work. He had always loved being outdoors; each year he took a week-long camping trip, which allowed him a chance to do some hiking, rock climbing and white water rafting and as a result, he took a certain pride in knowing he didn’t look like a man who spent up to fifty hours each week working behind a cluttered desk. An interesting mix of Irish and Italian heritage gifted him with fair skin, midnight black hair and ice blue eyes that were generally the first feature people noticed, though a former boyfriend had told him once that his best feature was his mouth. “Full, heart shaped lips designed for kissing and cock sucking.” Recalling the statement always reminded Silas why he had dumped that guy before he had to explain his special gift. For the most part, he handled the lack of real relationships well, but at times, the need for basic human contact ate at him until he finally reached out to someone, desperate to spend a few hours feeling as if someone wanted him. As if someone gave a damn. He was always careful with his one-night stands. He knew all the risk involved, but he had one bar he went to often, where he felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t a common thing for him to go there, to look for no 7


strings attached sex, just a few times a year when he was feeling really alone and he didn’t have a ‘soon to fall apart’ attempt at an actual relationship in the works. One surprisingly cool autumn evening, ten years after he first arrived in Atlanta, he was feeling that need to connect with someone when he decided to slip into The Nucleus, to see if he could come across anyone interesting. Five minutes after he arrived and found a seat at the bar, Silas saw him. And he knew he had to have him. He was standing alone at the other end of the bar, looking slightly nervous, which made Silas wonder if this was new to him, but he had no doubt at all that the guy wouldn’t be alone for long, if he didn’t want to be. Hopefully, he will be with me. It looked to Silas as if he and the beauty were around the same height and the black jeans and chest hugging black, long sleeved t-shirt nicely displayed well-defined muscles that would certainly be all the more appealing once clothing ceased to be a barrier. His olive skin looked smooth, soft, and his dark brown hair was just a little long, but fashionably so and watching him, Silas wondered what color his eyes were. And if his lips were as soft as they looked, even from a fair distance. Downing the last of his beer, he waved the bartender over, ordered another drink, and requested the bartender send a drink to the object of his interest. “Any idea who he is, Bert?” The bartender shook his head. “Never been in here before, that I recall.” 8


“Well, I think he deserves a proper welcome.” “I’ll leave that to you, Silas.” He didn’t need to tell Bert he intended to do just that, as he watched the bartender deliver the drink to the other man, gesturing slyly towards Silas to let him know just who was interested. Silas simply smiled when he looked in his direction, deciding to sit and wait for a moment, to see if the stranger would actually approach him, or if he would have to make the move. Either way, Silas knew he would at least find out the guy’s name. After ten minutes, Silas watched quietly as the other man finally crossed over to where he sat, sitting down on the stool beside him. “Thanks for the drink.” “Anytime. I’m Silas, by the way.” “I’m Josh.” “It’s nice to meet you, Josh.” Up close, he could see Josh had green eyes fringed with dark lashes and when he smiled, he had the most charming dimples that gave him a certain, almost innocent, charm. Silas was hooked. “I’ve never seen you here before, Josh.” “First time. I just moved to Atlanta to start a new job.” “Where are you from originally?” “Seattle.” 9


“You are a long way from home.” It was easy to fall into a flirtatious banter with Josh, he was smart and charming and he had a great sense of humor. He didn’t extend a lot of personal information, but neither did Silas. He knew how to keep things casual, but he also knew what he wanted and despite seeming a little on the shy side, he knew Josh wanted the same thing. Normally, Silas was reluctant to take anyone back to his apartment for the night, but with Josh, he didn’t hesitate. And it was incredible. Josh was indeed a little shy at first, but that changed quickly and Silas discovered passion ran deep and wild and every touch had each of them begging for more. The night was intense and wonderful and exhausted, they fell asleep together, but when Silas woke up the next morning, Josh was gone, leaving only a note behind. Silas, You have no idea what last night meant to me. It was incredible. I can’t thank you enough and for what it is worth, I am sorry that I have to leave it this way. Meeting you is enough to make me wish things could be different. Believe me when I say I will never forget you. Josh The note created questions, but it didn’t answer any. Silas told himself to take the encounter for what it had been, an extraordinary, one-night 10


stand. Not his first, but certainly the first to make such an impact that he wanted, almost needed, to see the man again. He had little information to go on, so he did what seemed logical. He went back to the bar where he had met Josh every night for a week, but Josh never showed up and Bert eventually promised to keep an eye out and let Silas know if he dropped in. “Must have been some seriously good sex.” “It was. But … I just need to see him again.” He couldn’t explain to Bert, or anyone, that it had been more than sex; he had connected with Josh in a way he had never really connected with anyone before. He didn’t know exactly what happened between them, but he wanted to find out if Josh had felt it too. After two weeks, he began to suspect that he would never see Josh again. And then he did. At work. He was at his desk when one of the senior partners, Chad Lawson, brought by their newest associate to make introductions and Silas looked up to find himself face to face with his sexy, mysterious one night stand. “Silas, this is Josh Dalton and he will be heading up the litigation department.” “Mr. Dalton.” “Please. Call me Josh.” Completely casual, showing no indication they had ever met before, Josh shook his hand and Silas smiled and played along. What choice did he have? Asking where the hell he had disappeared to after a night of mind blowing sex wouldn’t have been appropriate and while Chad knew Silas 11


was gay, Silas suddenly suspected no one knew the same about Josh Dalton. As Chad led Josh away to another introduction, Silas sent a look that made it clear to Josh they needed to talk alone. Later that evening, as he was preparing to go home, Josh came into his office and closed the door, leaning against it as he turned to face Silas. “I had no idea you worked here.” “We never talked about our jobs, so … yeah, it’s a surprise.” “Look, Silas…” “Let me guess this one. No one knows you’re gay? And as far as you’re concerned, they can’t.” To Josh’s credit, he did look ashamed. “It’s complicated.” “Well, I have a little bit of knowledge when it comes to complicated.” “My situation … I can’t explain it, Silas, and I’m not sorry for what happened between us, but it was a onetime thing and I have to ask you not to tell anyone about it.” “I don’t fuck and tell, so your shameful little secret is safe with me.” “Silas…” “Save it.” He was too disgusted to hear more. “Get out. You avoid me and I’ll avoid you.” Josh didn’t argue, he simply did as Silas said and Silas set about putting the memory of their night together from his mind, but it wasn’t easy. He and Josh didn’t cross paths often, but when they did, it was hard to look at the man and not remember in vivid detail what it felt like to be buried inside of him as he came. 12


It was impossible not to remember his taste, the feel of his skin, the sensation of those full lips wrapped around his cock. Occasionally, the way he caught Josh looking at him told Silas he remembered too, but when he came to any office function, he always brought a girlfriend. And never the same one twice. It was all more than a little sad, as far as Silas was concerned, but he learned to live with it and after three years, he was pretty good at going out of his way to avoid Josh Dalton and he fully intended to continue doing so. Until fate intervened in the form of one of his special ‘visitors’ and Silas found himself face to face with the last person he had ever expected to met. Sarah Dalton. Josh’s recently departed mother.

13


Chapter One

IT no longer surprised Silas to wake up in the middle of the night, to find a strange figure standing in his room or sitting on the edge of his bed. A few times, a disgruntled soul went as far as to wake him by kicking the bed or pulling away the covers, something Silas saw little humor in, but it was rather difficult to chastise a displaced spirit for bad manners. Usually, they had more pressing issues on their mind. This particular night, he woke up on his own, likely because he could subconsciously sense he was no longer alone in the room. No eight hours tonight. Stifling a yawn, he sat up and turned on the bedside lamp, flooding the room with light and allowing him to better see his late night visitor. He was first struck by the fact that she was beautiful, with long brown hair and delicate features as she sat primly, her hands folded in her lap. He could see something anxious in her green eyes. She wore a long black dress, the dress he suspected she had been buried in. Most usually appeared to him in that outfit, or what they were in when they died, especially if they died unexpectedly, though a couple of times, a ‘visitor’ appeared naked. He preferred not to think about those incidents. Leaning back against the headboard, he decided to break the silence. 14


“Hello.” “Are … are you Silas?” He frowned. It wasn’t often those that came to him knew his name; they were usually drawn to him because they sensed he had the ability to see them and therefore, he could give them the help they needed, before they moved on. “Yes, I’m Silas.” “Oh thank God. I had hoped it was you.” “I’m sorry…” “Sarah. My name is Sarah.” “It’s nice to meet you, Sarah.” He smiled easily; he was familiar with these exchanges. “You might not think that when you … when you find out why I’m here and who I am.” That said, she looked down at her hands that still rested in her lap and Silas frowned again, just a little on edge. She’s different from the others; she’s scared and not because she is dead. “Sarah…” She lifted her eyes back to his. “You’re going to ask me if I know I’m dead? I do. A head-on crash with a log truck is a bad thing.” “I’m sorry.” “Thank you. I … it’s strange. Being dead, but being able to talk to you.” 15


“It’s not as unusual as you think.” “I imagine it must be unnerving for you.” She actually looked concerned and Silas smiled. “I’ve been able to communicate with displaced spirits since I was ten, so I’m accustomed to it.” “You live alone?” “I do.” “What about family?” Again, she seemed concerned, which confused him, considering she was the one who needed his help, not the other way around. “I don’t mean to pry. I just find I am curious and I guess … I think the first thing I should do is tell you that my coming here, to you, it wasn’t random.” “I don’t understand.” “I was drawn to you, because you are close to someone close to me, someone that I … someone I failed in life, and I need to set things right with them now. Me seeking you out might be wrong, and I likely have no right putting you in the middle, but I…” She shook her head and sensing her distress, he sat forward and touched her hand. “I’m sorry. I’m rambling, but this is so important to me, Silas.” “Just calm down. I promise you, Sarah, I will help you however I can.” “You say that now…” “Why don’t you start by telling me who you need to get a message to.” She nodded, but he could see she was still on edge. “My name is Sarah Dalton.” “Dalton…” 16


“Josh is my son. My baby…” Her voice broke, but Silas was too shocked to realize it. “You’re Josh’s mother?” “Yes. Yes, I am.” Sitting back, he processed that shocking information, raking a hand through his already sleep tangled hair. Josh’s mother? He recalled hearing through the office gossip vine that she had passed away recently, he knew Josh had gone back to Seattle for the funeral, but he and Josh didn’t speak directly if it could be helped so he didn’t know anything about his onetime lover’s family. “Silas…” “I’m sorry. I have to admit, you’ve surprised me.” “I know and I am sorry for that, but I … it’s hard to explain, how I know about you. I just sensed a connection to you when I was near Josh when he came home for the funeral. I tried to reach out to him, to talk to him directly, but he couldn’t see me. But I … I was able to sense who he was thinking about and I learned about you that way.” “I don’t really understand…” “Neither do I. Until now, I never believed in the afterlife. But here I am.” “Here you are.” “You have questions.” Sarah smiled sadly. “Usually, I’m the one that says that.” She nodded and looked away from him. “I know you and Josh … well, you work with him, but I know that there was more than that.” 17


“It was … complicated.” Could spirits read minds? And am I really talking to a woman who knows I had sex with her son? “Josh is complicated, I know. And I need to tell you why.” “Okay.” Slowly, she turned to face him again and he could see the pain that haunted her eyes, the raw emotions and he was sorry for her. She had clearly died with a heavy soul. “My husband and I only had one child and that was Josh. I loved him. Before I tell you more, I need you to know that.” “I’m sure you did love him.” “My husband … Charles is a hard man. He expects perfection.” “I’m familiar with how that works.” “You’re father was that way?” “My mother.” But this isn’t about me. “I did what I could, to shelter Josh. I tried to love him as much as I could…” Anxious, she stood, and began pacing the room as he sat and watched her. “But I’m sorry to say that I couldn’t always stand up to Charles. A lot of times I … I failed him, but when he was seventeen, I failed him so badly … I failed in the worst possible way.” “What happened?” He had an idea, but he sensed she needed to say it. “Josh’s father came home early and he found Josh in his room, with another young man, and it was obvious they had just had sex.” 18


“I can only imagine your husband was upset.” “He … he lost it. He ended up beating up the young man and Josh.” “I see.” She had her back to him, but Silas was certain she had winced at his tone. “I wish that was it, but my husband couldn’t stand the idea of having a son who was gay, so he made arrangements to send Josh to this special camp.” “Camp?” “It was called a Deprogramming Camp.” “Are you fucking kidding me?” He couldn’t conceal his anger as she turned and looked at him and he shook his head. “I’ve heard about those places, and everything I’ve heard is bad. Do you have the slightest idea what they do to people…” Standing, he shook his head again, unable to believe what she was telling him, yet suspecting it explained a lot about Josh Dalton’s willingness to live in denial, to live what was basically a lie. “I know. Now I know. And you don’t have to tell me I was a horrible mother.” “I didn’t say…” “But you’re thinking it, and you’re right. I allowed Josh to go to that horrible place.” “For how long?” “Six months,” she whispered, eyes downcast. “Jesus.” 19


“When he came back, he wasn’t the same.” Tampering down his anger, his disgust, Silas set back down on the bed, realizing he had actually been lucky with his parent’s reaction. Sure, they had kicked him out, but at least they didn’t send him to hell. Who ever thought I would be grateful for abandonment? “He was changed, so quiet and reserved and distant, but Charles liked him that way and no one ever mentioned the camp or Josh being gay again.” “That was what? Thirteen years ago? In all that time…” “Josh has been a shell, each time he saw me or his father, but I … I think you and he…” “If you’re asking if Josh and I had a relationship, the answer is no.” “But you do share a connection. I sensed it. I can’t explain how, but I … Silas, it’s unfair of me, and I know it’s too little too late, but I will never rest in any kind of peace if I don’t make things right with my son and I need your help for that.” She moved back to the bed, sitting down beside him. “I don’t know all of what did or didn’t happen between you and Josh, but I know you can see me and I know you work with Josh and I … I need you to do something for me.” “You want me to give him a message…” “Eventually, yes. But I need you to do more than that.” “What do you mean?” “I need you to reach out to him, Silas. Be his friend. Help him find himself.” “Sarah…” 20


“It’s a lot to ask. I have no right, but I’m still asking.” He opened his mouth to refuse her, to tell her that it wasn’t possible, what she was asking. Even if he and Josh worked in the same building and for the same people, they avoided one another when they could and Silas had no idea how to change that. “You know as well as I do, that if you were to go to Josh now and tell him that you could see and talk to me, he wouldn’t believe it.” “Most people don’t.” “I imagine…” She half smiled. “It is an unusual … gift, I suppose.” “Yeah, well, I had pretty much gotten use to it, until now. This is a little different.” “I’m sorry for that, but you’re my only hope, Silas, and you can think I am horrible, but if you don’t do this for me, please do it for Josh.” How can I say no? I’ve never refused anyone. I can’t start now. “Okay. Okay, I’ll help you and Josh.” “Thank you. Thank you so much.” “Don’t thank me yet. I doubt this will be easy.” “Maybe. Or maybe it will be easier than you think. Maybe Josh is just waiting for someone to try and reach out to him.” But is he waiting for me? Despite everything, Silas realized he hoped that was the case, that he was the key to making Josh break out of his lie-crafted shell and be happy. You’re a fool, Silas, and if you aren’t careful, you’re gonna end up with a badly broken heart. 21


Chapter Two

A

WEEK after returning to work following his mother’s funeral, Josh

Dalton still felt as if he were in a struggle to catch up. He had three major cases he was working, two of which Kevin McGuire expected to be briefed about by the end of the day and as always, Josh dreaded the idea of dealing with Kevin. It was almost as intimidating as dealing with his father, which wasn’t a surprise, considering his father and Kevin had been friends since their college days. His father was the one who had arranged for Josh to work at Kevin’s firm and Josh knew that Kevin stayed in close contact with Charles Dalton. Via Kevin, his father knew everything he did, everyone he saw. He was still in the same prison he had been in while living under Charles’s roof and all throughout college, but there was nothing he could do about it. Well, there was something, but he knew it would never happen. He would never stand up to Kevin or his father, because he didn’t have the courage. Even if he was an adult, a grown man, a small part of him still feared that if he ever did try and take a stand, he would pay the price. Again. Closing the file he had attempted to review for the last hour, Josh closed his eyes and leaned his head back against his chair. 22


He was so damn tired, his emotions and thoughts were in a tangle and had been, since his father had called to tell him that his mother had died. “It was a car accident. My assistant is making the arrangements.” “Dad…” “The funeral is Saturday. You can come out Friday after work.” No tears, no emotion, Charles Dalton had delivered the news in typical fashion and because he knew it was expected, Josh kept his own grief concealed. He didn’t cry during the service for his mother, he didn’t cry or show any real feelings when his father was around and when people offered their warm condolences, he nodded and thanked them in a monotone. Josh was certain his father had been proud, but his mother had deserved better. She deserved a son who could grieve for her openly and freely, but Josh couldn’t, not even now, back home in Atlanta. And what about me? What do I deserve? That was a question he normally avoided asking himself, but since the funeral, it kept coming to mind and Josh found he couldn’t avoid it any longer. And that wasn’t the only thing he suddenly couldn’t avoid. A voicemail message from Silas Spencer had shattered what little peace he had. “Hi, Josh. I heard about your mother and I wanted to say I’m sorry. If you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.” It was a simple, friendly message, but it was the first time Silas had reached out to him in three years and it puzzled Josh. 23


And it excites you, face it. You’re still attracted to him. Not that he would act on that attraction … that one night with Silas had been a fluke, a weakness on his part, something his father would find disgusting, if he ever learned about it, which meant it could never happen again. Even if he wanted to; even if he wished he could be different; even if he wanted nothing more than to corner Silas, push him against the nearest wall and kiss him until he couldn’t think or remember the bad. The bad beginning the moment his father had walked into Josh’s bedroom to find Josh and Carl still naked, still holding one another, flushed and content in the afterglow of their lovemaking. Without warning, Charles Dalton was there, screaming obscenities, first pulling Carl and then Josh from the bed. Josh tried to protect the other young man, but Charles was bigger and angry, he could not be reasoned with and when it was over, Carl had a broken nose and Josh was even in worse shape, but no one knew. The police certainly weren’t called. Charles wrote a big check to Carl and his family and Josh agreed that he would never see or have any contact with Carl again. But that wasn’t the end of it. A gay son wasn’t something his father could accept and the next day, Josh came downstairs to find two men waiting for him in his father’s den. “These men are going to help you, Josh.” “Help me how?” “They are taking you to a special camp, where they will help you get past your issues.” 24


“What … what does that mean? What are they going to do to me?” “Anything they do is for your own good, son. You’ll see. We’re going to make you normal.” He looked to his mother for help, knowing as he did that she wouldn’t help him. She couldn’t. She couldn’t defy Charles Dalton because that simply wasn’t done, but Josh still pleaded with her, even as one of the men stepped forward to hold him while the other pulled out a syringe. He tried to fight, but it was useless. He felt a sharp prick as the needle went into his arm and then there was nothing. When he came to again, he opened his eyes to find himself in hell. It was cold, so cold, and everything ached as he slowly came back to his senses, realizing he was tied to a chair, arms and legs bound. The room had one light, hanging overhead and it hurt his eyes as nausea rolled in his stomach. His mouth felt sickly dry and pain pounded in his head, relentlessly and punishing. He couldn’t remember anything beyond his father telling him he was going someplace where he would be helped while his mother cried and Josh asked her to help but she didn’t. She never did. He was always on his own. Biting down hard on his lip, trying to control his fear and anger, he looked up as a door to his right opened and a tall, thin man stepped inside with the two men Josh remembered following behind. “Hello, Josh. My name is Samuel Maxwell and I am going to help you.” “Help me…” 25


“Your father told us what happened, that you have fallen into sin, but by the time you leave here, you will be pure again and you will no longer have the desire to sin.” “What … what does that mean…” “You will soon see and trust me, even if you don’t realize it now, you will thank me before you leave here.” Sitting up, Josh opened his eyes, forcing the dark memories from his mind. He couldn’t function if he allowed himself to remember what happened to him during those six horrible months. Could it ever happen again? I’m not a child now, but could my father force me back there? He would rather die, than suffer that pain and humiliation again, and for that reason alone, he hadn’t given into his desires in years. He had only had one ‘slip’ as Samuel Maxwell would have called it. With Silas. Beautiful, smart, charming Silas … the man he still thought about, still wanted, the man he was certain he could fall for if he wasn’t afraid, if he didn’t fear reliving the past. “If I ever find out you have gone back to that lifestyle, I will kill you myself.” His father had made the threat the day he came home from the camp and after that, he never made mention of it again, but Josh never forgot. I’m fucked up and that will never change. Turning his chair, he looked out the window, into the overcast day, deciding the bleak grayness of it all fit his mood. He was tired and feeling on edge and alone. He had no one he could talk to, no one he could turn 26


to; he was living a life that was a lie, had been for years, but instead of getting easier, it was becoming more and more difficult to maintain the illusion. Silas. He said I could talk to him… There was a certain danger in that, it would be getting to close to the fire and trying not to get himself burned. On the other hand, he felt so damn alone, and he knew he could connect with Silas. Sighing, he looked at his watch, finding it was a little after five. Silas would likely be gone for the day and Josh didn’t know if he could wait until tomorrow to talk to someone, but he did know where Silas lived, unless he had moved in the last three years. To hell with it. I can control myself. As soon as he was finished dealing with Kevin, he would go to see Silas. Turning back to his desk, he ignored the voice in the back of his mind that asked him if he really had any intentions of controlling himself.

27


Chapter Three

“DID you see him today?” Turning from the painting he had been working on for the better part of an hour, Silas wasn’t surprised to see Sarah standing just behind him, looking anxious. “No. No, I didn’t see him. I left a message for him.” “Oh.” Wiping the paint on his hands onto his jeans, he saw the disappointment in her eyes and he had to admit, he was disappointed a little himself, but he didn’t dare rush things. After three years, Josh was far from likely to accept an offer of friendship if it was made too forcefully, even if Silas wanted nothing more than to go to him, take him in his arms, and promise nothing would ever hurt him again. “It might take some time, Sarah.” “I know. I just … my son has been in a personal hell for thirteen years. I want it to end.” You should have thought of that before now. He immediately chastised himself for the thought, almost afraid Sarah had sensed it as she turned away from him. “Look, Sarah…” 28


“Is it too late, Silas? Is it too late for him to be happy?” “I honestly don’t know, but I think that will be up to Josh in the end.” “What his father and I did…” “It was pretty horrible. I can’t deny that, and it likely left a deep emotional scar, but in the end, it will be up to Josh to decide if he has it in him to move beyond the past.” “If he can, would you want to be with him?” Hell, yes. Shaking his head, he went with the more reasonable responds. “Josh and I had one night.” “But it meant something to you.” “Maybe. I … look, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay?” She turned to face him again, nodding and Silas sighed, wondering what to do next, how to deal with her. He really wasn’t accustomed to his ‘visitors’ lingering around, but he suspected Sarah would be a part of his life for a bit longer. She wouldn’t cross over until she knew Josh would be okay, until he made some kind of peace with the past, but Silas knew that wouldn’t be easy for Josh, because he had clearly spent a long time living a lie and avoiding reality. He was searching his mind for something reassuring to say, when a knock sounded on his door and he frowned. “It’s Josh.” “I doubt it…” “Trust me. It’s Josh.” 29


Deciding not to argue, because really, it felt rather foolish, Silas crossed the room and opened the door, only to find Sarah was right. “Josh…” “I’m sorry. I maybe shouldn’t have just stopped in like this.” “No. Please, don’t be sorry.” Silas stepped back, opening the door further. “Please, come in.” There was a hesitation, so brief no one else would have noticed it, but Silas did and he held his breath, until Josh stepped into the apartment. He allowed the silence to linger, as he closed the door and the scanned the room. He didn’t see Sarah anywhere. Maybe that’s for the best, for now, at least. “Would you like something to drink?” “No, thanks.” Josh turned towards him and Silas realized he must have just recently left the office, but he had shed his jacket and his tie and the top three buttons of his shirt were undone, allowing Silas to see just a hint of smooth, olive skin. He felt himself growing hard, remembering what that smooth, beautiful skin felt like beneath his hands and lips. “I got your message.” Josh finally spoke, the words forcing Silas from his lustful memories. “I wanted you to know I’m sorry for your lose.” Josh nodded, but said nothing as he turned again, looking slowly around the apartment and Silas allowed the silence to again settle between 30


them. He knew that whatever had brought Josh here, he had to get to it at his own pace. If he was pushed or rushed, he would bolt and Silas didn’t dare risk that, when the fact that Josh had even sought him out at all seemed like a small victory. Watching as Josh crossed the room to the painting Silas had been working on, Silas winced, but still said nothing. “You’re an artist?” “No. I’m just an office manager. Art is … well, it’s a hobby.” “But you’re good.” Josh glanced over his shoulder with a smile. “Are all the paintings hanging in here yours?” “Yeah, they are. I have others stored in the spare bedroom.” “You should show them professionally.” “I use to think I would try that one day, but…” He shrugged. “I guess I’m just settled into life, as it is. I don’t know if branching out like that is something I have in me, at this point.” “You shouldn’t deny your talent.” “Josh…” “You’re wondering why I’m here.” The abrupt change in topic briefly threw Silas, but Josh smiled and shook his head. “Would you believe me if I told you I really don’t know what I’m doing here? I mean, I came to talk to you, because I … God, I really need someone to talk to, but part of me thinks I came here because the last time I really felt like myself was that night here, with you.” “Listen, Josh…” 31


“You should tell me to go, Silas. Please. For your sake and mine.” “I can’t do that. I won’t do that.” “Silas…” He watched as Josh closed his eyes, clearly struggling with a rush of emotions, likely emotions he had avoid for years, but found he couldn’t now. God help me. Throwing caution, and what he suspected was common sense, to the wind, he crossed the room, placing his hands on Josh’s shoulders. “Whatever it is, I’m here. You can trust me.” “I’m a mess…” “We all are, at some point. And sometimes, we all need someone else to lean on.” He felt Josh tremble once, as if something inside of him seemed to break and without hesitating, Silas pulled him close, into his arms. Josh seemed to sag against him, burying his face in the curve of Silas’s neck. Holding the other man against him, Silas swore he would kill Josh’s father if he ever had the chance to meet him. I’m sorry, Josh. I am so damn sorry for what they did to you. He knew he couldn’t say those words. Not yet. He couldn’t tell Josh about his gift just yet and he most certainly couldn’t tell him about Sarah’s coming and asking him for help. It was too soon and as far as Silas could sense, Josh wasn’t in the right place emotionally to grasp the possibility, let alone actually believe it. Sorry, Sarah. We have to wait a while longer. 32


Silas was certain Sarah would understand his reasoning, as he stood there for a long time, just holding Josh because that was what Josh seemed to need. And Silas had to admit, at least to himself, that he liked the feel of having Josh in his arms. Slowly, Josh finally pulled back, just far enough to look at Silas, his eyes filled with a host of raging emotions. Confusion. Hurt. Longing. Grief. Need. “Silas…” “Tell me what you want, Josh. Tell me what you need.” “You. I need you, Silas. Please…” Before Silas could answer, Josh’s mouth was on his, lips soft yet demanding and at the first kiss, Silas was lost. Hands sliding down Josh’s back, he anchored the other man against him, his tongue teasing Josh’s lips until they parted, allowing Silas to sink inside his mouth, knees nearly buckling at the wonder, the taste that was Josh. He could feel pure, white-hot desire washing over him like an ocean wave, he felt it consume him from head to toe and he desperately wanted to give in and get completely lost in that desire, but doing so wouldn’t be right. Not now, at least. Damn it. I want to fuck him until neither of us can move. Drawing in a ragged breath, Silas pulled back, looking at Josh, seeing the burning desire in his eyes, his lips kiss swollen and damp. “Silas … please…” “God, Josh, I want you. I want to strip you naked and taste every inch of you. I want to make you come shouting my name and I want to fall 33


asleep with you wrapped in my arms, but you and I know you aren’t ready for that.” “But…” “I’m here, babe, and I’m not going anywhere.” “I want this. I want you.” He nearly wavered at that, at the yearning he hard in Josh’s voice, but he knew he couldn’t give in, he knew one of them had to be strong and he didn’t think that could be Josh, not in the emotionally raw state he was in. “Josh…” “I need … I need to feel something, Silas. Something that makes sense.” “And wanting me makes sense?” “Yes. And that scares me but…” He shook his head and Silas sighed. “Tell me something. When was the last time you slept?” “Last night?” “Yeah. For how long?” He winced a little at that. “An hour or so. Maybe. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.” “I imagine.” “I’m not so tired I don’t know what I want.” “Maybe. Or maybe I should put you to bed, Josh.” “That’s the idea…” 34


“To sleep,” Silas’s clarified. “And then we can talk in the morning.” He really had to give himself some credit for being noble, because giving into what Josh wanted was damn tempting, considering he had waited three years for the chance to have this man in his bed again. “That sounds dull.” “Yeah, well, when you’re thinking clearly again, I’ll make it up to you.” Leaving Josh long enough to lock the door and turn out the lights, he allowed himself a brief moment to try and cool down before returning to him, reaching for his hand. “Come on. You look dead on your feet.” Josh mumbled something, but didn’t protest, when Silas guided him down the hall, into his room and over to the bed. “Are we gonna share the bed?” “I can behave if you can,” Silas assured him with a smile. “If I don’t want to…” “Josh, I think you’d fall asleep before we could have any real fun.” “Maybe.” He didn’t look happy to be making the admission. “I’ll get you something to sleep in.” Going to his dresser, he found a pair of jogging pants he tossed onto the bed, as Josh sat down and began taking off his shoes. “I need a quick shower to wash off the paint. I’ll be right back.” “I’ll be here.” God, I hope so. Please don’t leave me again. 35


Slipping into the bathroom, he showered quickly, trying not to think about the fact that Josh Dalton was in his bed. In his bed and willing. Damn. Damn. Damn. Fairly certain that someone somewhere hated him, Silas turned off the showered, dried and slipped into his own pair of jogging pants. Normally, he slept naked, but that wasn’t likely a good idea tonight. You want this too much to blow it by taking advantage when Josh plainly isn’t clear minded, so behave yourself, Silas. Walking into the bedroom, Silas paused, then smiled to see Josh was already in bed, curled on his side, sleeping soundly. “Get some sleep, babe. We’ll figure everything out later.” Glancing around the room, he was half surprised and half relieved to see Sarah wasn’t around, but he had no doubt she would be back later. Climbing into bed, he pulled the covers up and laid down close to Josh, but not touching him, even though he wanted nothing more. He prayed that when all was said and done, he would get the chance to touch Josh in all the ways he longed to touch him. For Silas, that included being able to touch his heart.

36


Chapter Four

HE felt like his arms were going to snap, his shoulders throbbed and he wanted something to drink so badly he could hardly stand it, but he wasn’t going to beg. He wouldn’t give Samuel Maxwell that power over him. The man already had enough power; he had him here, in this horrible place, cut off from the world. He had no idea if it was day or night, nor did he have any idea just how long he had been there, he just knew he was scared and everything seemed to hurt. The worst part was – his father had sent him here … and his mother had let him do it. Leaning back in the chair, as much as possible, he tried to find some give in the ropes, but to no avail, which wasn’t a surprise. He had rubbed his wrists raw trying to find a way to escape and so far he had only gotten far more pain and no freedom as a result. And this was just the beginning, Samuel had assured him. He wasn’t broken yet, but he would be, and once he was, that would make him clean again. Josh wasn’t certain what they meant and he didn’t want to find out, but he didn’t have a choice.

37


Wincing at the familiar sound of the door opening and closing, he looked up and watched silently, as Samuel came in, with his two thugs trailing behind. “Hello again, Josh.” Josh said nothing, which drew an icy smile from Samuel as he pulled up a chair, placed it directly in front of Josh and sat down while his men stood on either side of him. “I trust you had a restful night, Josh.” Samuel sat back, watching him closely. “Not talking to me? That’s fine. I don’t mind doing the talking, and really, you need to listen to what I say.” He paused, as if to give Josh a chance to respond, but he didn’t. “We will soon be moving on to the next part of your Deprogramming and you should know, it won’t be enjoyable, but you have a decision.” “You can make this easier on yourself, Josh. You can stop being stubborn. Deep down, you know you have sinned against nature. Against God. And you need to repent.” Swallowing, his throat so dry it ached, he struggled to find his voice. “Go … to hell.” “No, son, it is you who will go to hell, if you don’t change.” He looked to the man on his right. “Untie him. Strip him. Take him to The Room.” His cold eyes returned to Josh and he smiled. “I am afraid what will happen next is … well, let’s say unpleasant, but a man has to suffer for his sins, young man, and you have indeed sinned.” “What … where are they talking me?” “You shall see soon enough. And eventually, you will realize all of this is for your own good.” 38


Scream lodged in his throat, Josh bolted upright, instantly aware that he wasn’t in his bed, even before light flooded the room. “Josh…” Hearing Silas’s voice, he turned, seeing the concern in his eyes, the events of the evening coming back to him in a rush. He had come here to talk to Silas and instead, he had thrown himself at him, and Silas had turned him down, but not because he didn’t want him. He’s trying to protect me, but he can’t. No one can. No one ever did. “Josh. Come on, talk to me. Are you okay?” He shook his head, struggling to regain some control, refusing himself the right to breakdown or show more weakness than he already had. “I’m fine. I just…” “Bad dream?” Silas said softly, placing a hand on his back and Josh nodded. “Something like that.” It was worse than a bad dream, it was a memory. “Sorry … I’m sorry that I woke you and I … I am so sorry, I shouldn’t have come here and I…” He shook his head again, as Silas shifted on the bed so he was facing Josh, who forced himself to meet Silas’s eyes. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” “Don’t I?” “Josh…” “I don’t even know why you let me in the door, after what I did three years ago. And since then, I have avoided you, yet here you are, helping 39


me…” It really didn’t make sense to him. “You should have slammed the door in my face.” “Friends don’t do things like that.” “Are we friends?” “I would really like to be.” “What about … what about more?” “I could go for that, Josh, but before we cross that line again, I think you need to know for sure you want that.” Silas reached for his hand and Josh realized the contact warmed the chill inside of him, the one the nightmares always left behind. “You came here tonight because you were upset, because you said you needed someone. And I’m here, so why don’t you tell me what that nightmare you just had was about, because I think maybe it might have something to do with why you are so upset.” “You’re good at that.” “I’m good at a lot of things.” “I remember.” “Stay on track.” Silas grinned and Josh felt some of the tension leave him. It feels so right, being close to him, touching him, needing him. “Sorry. I’m stalling. It’s something I’m pretty good at.” “And opening up…” “Is something I pretty much avoid.” He looked down at his hand in Silas’s. “I just feel like there are so many things that I can’t go on avoiding. And maybe I don’t want to. I don’t even know and … I told you that I’m a mess.” 40


“I don’t think mess is the right word.” “You have no idea…” “Talk to me, Josh.” Sighing, he nodded, deciding to take the risk, to open up, because keeping it in was killing him a degree at a time. “When you came out to your parents, what did they do?” “My mom freaked. She kicked me out and my father let her. He gave me money, but other than that, he completely shut me out of his life.” “I’m sure that sucked.” “It wasn’t great, but I know it could have been worse. I mean, at least my dad gave me money, to get a new life started. And I pretty much did okay for myself, so I can’t complain too much.” “My parents reacted badly, too. But they didn’t throw me out.” “What happened?” He laughed, but it was a harsh, bitter sound. “My dad actually found me in bed with a guy and he beat the shit out of us both.” “I’m sorry.” “So was I. But my father wasn’t.” “Did he get away with it?” “Charles Dalton always gets away with it.” Blowing out a breath, he released Silas’s hand, drawing up his knees and wrapping his arms around them. As much as he wanted Silas’s touch, he needed some distance now. 41


“My father is a powerful man. He gets what he wants. And he doesn’t want a gay son.” “Josh…” “My mother could never stand up to him. I think she loved me. But…” “But she was afraid of your father,” Silas said softly. “Everyone was. I guess there was no reason she would be different.” “But you resent the fact she didn’t stand up for you.” “I don’t want to resent her. Not now. Not when she’s gone.” “You can’t help feeling what you do, Josh.” He considered that for a moment, oddly surprised by how right it felt, to be saying this to Silas, to be lowering the walls. He somehow knew Silas would understand, he wouldn’t judge him “I guess it doesn’t matter what I feel about my mother, because she’s gone and when she had the chance to do something, she didn’t. She stood by and she let my father … he sent me to this so called camp where a man named Samuel Maxwell and his cohorts were supposed to deprogram me.” “I’ve heard about that sort of thing.” “It … whatever you heard, trust me, it was worse. It was hell.” He felt the bed shift, and then Silas was sitting beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and Josh leaned against him. He couldn’t help himself. Silas’s strength and warmth beckoned him, welcomed him and he needed that, needed to know that he wasn’t alone, that he hadn’t been sucked back in time to that horrible place. His eyes closed, when he felt Silas’s lips brush against his temple. 42


“Silas…” “You okay with this?” “I am. It feels nice.” Better than nice, but I don’t know if I deserve it. “Do you want to tell me about the camp?” Silas’s question pulled his thoughts back to their conversation and he nodded. “To say it was horrible was an understatement. My dad had the guys drug me and when I came back around, I was in this small room with no windows and I was tied to a chair with rope that dug into my wrist and ankles. “That’s when I first met Samuel Maxwell. He called himself a therapist, but he wasn’t.” “What was he?” “The simple answer? He was a monster but he didn’t see it that way. He thought he was doing me a favor, trying to get me to admit I had sinned, that I was involved with a lifestyle that wasn’t pure in his eye or supposedly, in the eyes of God. “I tried to ignore him, at first. I told him he was crazy. But he left me tied up for what had to be at least two days before he told me it was finally time to move on to the next part of ‘the cure’ and I … I was a fool and I didn’t think it could get any worse. Even when Samuel said it would, I didn’t believe him. He was scary, but I … God, I had no idea what he was capable of doing, what he was willing to do, all in the name of curing me.” He fell silent for a moment and Silas allowed it. He simply held him and Josh relished that, being close to someone who cared. 43


But not just someone. It was Silas who held him, who wanted to comfort and care for him and Josh realized he could grow accustom to being close to this remarkable man. “I can’t tell you everything that happened to me, because I … I just can’t put it into words.” “Josh…” “I can tell you to was horrible. Days and weeks on end. Beatings. Being locked in a small room, a room smaller than most cells they have in prisons. Never being allowed outside and little food. And there was electric shock therapy, if you can believe people still do something so barbaric. Sometimes, Samuel wouldn’t let me sleep for days and I would feel so tired and weak and I was always could and hungry and thirsty. “It was never ending. It just kept getting worse and worse.” “God, Josh…” “Samuel said if I would just confess my sins and renounce homosexuality, it would all be okay and the pain would end.” “And you just wanted the pain to end.” “I held out for four months, but I … I got weak. I couldn’t hold out anymore.” “Weak? Josh, you are anything but weak. You went through hell.” “But I didn’t really survive it, Silas. I did what Samuel wanted, what my father wanted.” He pulled back, just far enough to look at the man who held him. “I broke, just like they wanted. I said that I had sinned and I was sorry and I … I said I would never touch another man again, but even after I said all of that, I had to stay there two more months.” 44


“Did the abuse stop?” “Most of it. But not all. Samuel said it was punishment. I needed to be punished.” “I hope he’s dead, rotting in hell.” “I have the same wish.” He leaned back against Silas, again feeling the brush of his lips and he sighed, surprised to find that this wasn’t as hard as he had thought it would be. It’s because of who I’m talking to. He was safe with Silas and he knew, in his heart and soul, he was where he was supposed to be and he didn’t want to leave, but he wasn’t really certain he could actually stay. “By the time I was able to go home, I felt dead inside. I was just cold and numb.” “In shock.” “Maybe, but I felt empty. And I told myself it was best that way.” “What did your parents say?” “My mom never mentioned it, but my dad told me if I slipped up, he would kill me, but that didn’t really scare me. I would rather he just kill me than make me go back to that place.” “Josh, he can’t send you back there.” “I try and tell myself that, but I’m not so sure.” “But you’ve been with me since then.”

45


Again, Josh lifted his head to look into remarkable blue gray eyes, eyes that were filled with so much warmth and understanding, Josh felt he could happily fall into their depths and stay lost there. “I’ve been with one man since then.” “Are you serious?” “Very. I allowed myself that one night and I was so scared after.” “Do you regret it?” “No. Nothing in my life has ever been more wonderful.” When Silas sighed, Josh could tell he was relieved and he almost smiled. “So aside from our one night, you’ve been…” “Celibate.” “Unreal. I mean, you are so passionate…” “I locked that part of myself away.” “And now? What now, Josh? What do you want.” “I want … I know I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to feel safe. I want to have my life, as I want it, but I don’t really know if I can. I know it sounds insane, because I’m a grown man, but I wonder if my father could do it, if he could send me back to be tortured by Samuel Maxwell, or God forbid, someone even worse.” “Look at me.” Silas slipped a hand under his chin and tilted his face up. “I will kill anyone who ever tries to hurt you and I promise you, no one, not even your rotten bastard of a father, will ever send you to a place like that again.” “Silas…” 46


“You know what you have to do, Josh. The fact that you are here tells me that.” “I have … I can’t keep living a lie and denying myself what I want.” “Exactly.” “I just don’t know if I’m strong enough for this.” “Babe, you are stronger than you realize. But you aren’t alone.” “I’m not?” “Not if you don’t want to be.” Silas stroked his cheek and Josh leaned into the touch. “I don’t want to be. I know that much. But I have no right to drag you into my messed up world, because it’s not fair.” “You aren’t dragging me anywhere. I want to be here.” “Silas…” “I still think you have more talking to do, more you need to get out, but we’re gonna take this slowly, Josh. No pushing. I’m here and when you’re comfortable you can tell me more, or if you find you just need someone to hold you, I can do that to.” “I don’t deserve you.” “You deserve more than you realize, babe. I plan to make you believe that.” Shaking his head, Josh realized he was suddenly exhausted. The emotional upheaval had taken a lot out of him, but in a good way. He felt almost lighter. Liberated. He knew Silas was right, there was a lot he still needed to talk about, a lot he still needed to face, but for the first time, he was starting to believe he could do it. 47


He could take his life and make it his own. “Come here.” Pressing close, as Silas stretched out on the bed, Josh laid down with him, resting his head on Silas’s chest, hearing his heart beating strong and steady. I could get use to this. “Get some sleep and tomorrow, we’ll talk more, if you want.” “I think I want to, but for now, this is really nice.” He didn’t have to look up to know Silas was smiling, as he ran soothing fingers through his hair and Josh’s eyes closed. “You’re not alone anymore, Josh. I’m here now and I won’t let you fall.” Content, warm and safe, those words followed him to sleep and for the rest of the night, they kept the nightmares away.

48


Chapter Five

“SOMETHING smells wonderful.” Silas turned from the stove to find Josh standing just inside the kitchen, still in the jogging pants he had slept in, his dark hair wonderfully messy and his lips curved into a smile. “I figured you might be hungry, so I cooked breakfast.” “Coffee?” “Of course.” Reaching into the cabinet, he pulled out a mug and handed it to Josh, who happily accepted it and poured himself a cup. “You have any?” “I’ve already had two cups. It takes that much to get the morning started.” “And I thought I was bad.” Silas turned back to the stove, smiling again, enjoying how natural it felt between them, finding it a relief that Josh was still there. And he appeared comfortable. Maybe opening up last night had broken down a few of his walls, but Silas had to admit to himself that he felt a little guilty, having known some of what Josh would share in advance. 49


I have to play it that way for now. It’s too soon to tell him everything. “You like eggs and bacon?” “Yes, but right now, I’d eat the egg carton.” Laughing, Silas slid the food onto their plates and set them on the table, before grabbing juice from the fridge and a couple of glasses. He was well aware that Josh was watching him, but he didn’t mind. Truth be told, he rather liked it. He had no doubt now that Josh wanted him. And he wanted to give into the desire he felt, but he reminded himself of all the reasons why he was waiting, as he sat down at the table. Rushing will only ruin this and I won’t let that happen. They ate mostly in comfortable silence. When they did talk, the conversation was casual and neither mentioned what Josh had revealed the night before. Silas knew they would get around to that; he had more he wanted to say and he suspected Josh still needed to open up. He had kept himself closed to any real contact with anyone on an emotional level for so long, it would take a while before he felt really at ease, but Silas had already made up his mind that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he would wait as long as necessary. He and Josh had a chance at something special and Silas wanted them to have it. When the time is right, when he’s ready. Their breakfast finished, Silas placed the dishes in the sink and as he stood there, he felt Josh move to stand close behind him before wrapping strong, warm arms around his waist. “Josh…” “I want to say thank you. For last night. For being there.” 50


“I’m glad I was. And you don’t have to thank me.” “Actually, I do need to thank you. It felt good, to be able to talk about it.” Carefully, Silas turned so they were standing face to face. When Josh made no move to step back, Silas slipped his arms around Josh, savoring the contact. “Silas, I want you to know I … I really want to get my life figured out.” “I know you do. And I will help anyway I can.” “You’re already helping. I trust you. I don’t think I’ve ever trusted anyone as much as I trust you and that’s a pretty big deal for me.” Queue the guilt. And I deserve to feel it. “Do you trust me, Silas?” The question pulled him from his thoughts and he smiled. “Of course. Why would you ask?” “I just want to know if you trust me enough to know what I want.” “What you want…” He saw something in Josh’s eyes, some teasing light mixed with obvious desire, but Silas still wasn’t prepared for the sudden feel of Josh’s lips against his. He recovered quickly from the surprise and instantly melted into the onslaught of sensations. He knew, logically, that he should stop; he didn’t want to push but Josh’s tongue was in his mouth, plunging, tasting and teasing and it was impossible not to become a little consumed by desire. God help me. 51


The plea for divine intervention went unanswered, but Silas couldn’t bring himself to care, as he slipped one hand downward to squeeze Josh’s ass with possessive intent. To his delight, Josh moaned deeply, pushing harder against him. He could feel Josh’s erection hard against his own and he wanted so much to strip him completely naked there in the kitchen and kiss every inch of him, taste and enjoy the smooth skin and wrap his lips wet lips eagerly around the cock pressing hard against his with their pants as the only barrier between them. Gasping in a breath as the kiss broke, grabbing on to a coherent thought still wasn’t possible, not when Josh’s mouth moved down his neck, sucking and kissing. Silas leaned back against the counter to hold himself upright. “Josh … what are you doing?” “It’s been a while since I’ve done this, but it should be obvious.” “We … maybe we should … slow down…” He could feel Josh smile against his skin as he continued a downward path, leaving damp kisses down his chest. When he turned his full attention to Silas’s right nipple, slowing down was the last thing Silas wanted. Josh nipped playfully at the hardening bud before licking away the slight sting, then sucking teasingly. Silas realized he had one hand tangled in Josh’s thick hair, urging him on. He was flooded with fiery desire. The needed consumed him completely and he gasped when his jogging pants were pushed easily past his hips, allowing his painfully hard cock to spring free. His other hand gripped the counter so tightly his fingers began to ache as he forced open his eyes and looked down at Josh, to find his lover smiling up at him. “I’ve dreamed about this.” 52


“Josh…” “So many times in the last three years. And not just dreamed. Daydreamed.” “About us?” He nodded, as his hands trained up the insides of Silas’s thighs, coming close to but not touching his sensitive balls. “I’ve spent a lot of time wondering what it would be like to have you bend me over my desk and fuck me until I scream your name.” “I’ve had a similar daydream myself.” Josh smiled again at that admission and Silas realized again that he should stop this, it was too soon, but the way Josh looked at him made him insane with desire. Still, he stroked the other man’s cheek gently. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? “I’m beyond ready, Silas. I’m sick of denying myself what I want.” “And what do you want?” “You. Now. Please, don’t make me wait.” He closed his eyes briefly, then reopened them, his decision made, any thoughts of holding back lost, because he wanted this, needed this, as much as Josh. “In that case, let’s go back to bed.” “Really?” “Really. I want you in my bed again.”

53


Taking the hand Silas offered to him, Josh stood and Silas pulled him into a hard, quick kiss that only made Silas want more. And he would have it. He could only pray that once all the truth was revealed, Josh wouldn’t hate him.

JOSH’S heart pounded against his chest as he and Silas walked back into the bedroom and Silas closed the door. “You can still change your mind.” Smiling, Josh turned and looked at the other man, eyes moving slowly down the length of Silas’s naked body. He had left his jogging pants puddled on the kitchen floor; he was completely naked and he made a beautiful sight. Josh was certain he had never seen such pure physical perfection. Silas was a work of masculine art, tall and lean with defined muscles and taut, smooth skin. He was more beautiful than Josh remembered from their one night together. I won’t make the same mistake twice; I won’t walk away again. “Josh?” “I don’t intend to change my mind.” “I don’t want you to feel rushed, because I’m not going anywhere.” “Not even to bed?” Silas smiled at that and Josh held out a hand to him. “I want this. I want you. In three years, I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind, and I know now I don’t want to. And I know I still have a lot of shit to 54


deal with, but that aside, I want you.” He couldn’t ignore that for a moment longer. He knew he was lucky to be getting this second chance and he intended to make the most of it, as Silas accepted his hand and Josh willingly moved into his arms. Their lips came together eagerly. The hunger inside of Josh made the rest of the world, the world beyond the walls of Silas’s apartment, seem surreal and hazy. Nothing else mattered but this moment in time with this man. The rest was meaningless, Josh suddenly understood that as Silas carefully began walking them backwards, until the back of Josh’s legs brushed against the bed. Dazed, as the kiss ended, he slowly licked his lips, Silas’s taste lingering there. He tasted like coffee and orange juice and Josh was certain nothing had ever tasted better. I could get use to this. I want to get use to this. “You’re still dressed.” Silas’s voice was raspy as he teasingly nibbled Josh’s earlobe. Breathless, Josh gripped his lover’s shoulders. “Do something about it,” he teased, grinning at the hungry look shimmering in Silas’s eyes as he pulled back, clearly hearing the challenge in the tone Josh had used. “By all means.” Without warning, Josh found himself pushed to the bed, landing flat on his back. Silas’s hands were tugging the pants past his hips and down his legs and Josh heard himself laugh. “Well played.” “Thank you.” 55


Silas tossed the jogging pants over his shoulder and Josh scooted up further on the bed, as Silas stretched out beside him. “Everything still okay?” “It’ll be better if you kiss me.” “I think I can handle that.” Silas’s lips came back to his and Josh melted into the kiss, his hands sliding up Silas’s back, one tangling in his hair. I won’t deny myself this again. The need raging back to life, he relished the feel of Silas against him, bare skin against bare skin, no more emotional or physical barriers. “Silas…” “I’m gonna take care of you, babe. Just wait and see.” Unable to do more than moan at that promise, Josh felt his back arch as Silas’s lips explored his neck, finding sensitive patches and exploiting them. “Oh God…” “I’m just getting started.” Any ability to respond verbally became lost as Silas moved down his chest, planting open mouth kisses, his right hand moving to tease Josh’s nipple until it was a hard nub, ready for his tongue and teeth. Josh cried out at the sensations rolling over him. His skin felt flushed and his cock jerked in heated anticipation each time Silas touched him, even in the simplest ways. He wanted to beg for more and faster, but his voice was gone. “You okay?” 56


In answer, he moaned, arching his hips and Silas laughed. Josh forced open his eyes, to watch Silas reach into his nightstand. Pulling out some lube, he tossed it on the bed. “You are so damn gorgeous.” He leaned forward, arms braced on either side of Josh’s head, as he leaned in for another quick kiss. “And I really want to take my time here, but … damn, I want you so very much and…” He shook his head and Josh lifted his hand, brushing a lock of hair back from Silas’s face, savoring the sight of Silas above him, desire burning in his eyes. “I … I want you, too. Please.” He knew he sounded breathless, but he didn’t care, because he was and he wanted Silas to know just how his touch drove him closer and closer to the edge of complete and total surrender. “You don’t have to worry about me changing my mind, because I won’t. And I promise, I won’t run away from you again.” It was an easy promise to make and he fully intended to keep it, as Silas smiled and again kissed him. Once more, the onslaught of emotions consumed him and he let himself get lost in it, in the need and the craving each and every touch fueled inside him. This is right. I don’t care what anyone else says about it. This is right. Pushing himself up, bracing his weight on his elbows, Josh watched as Silas slipped a hand beneath his balls and he saw stars. “Christ…” He dropped back to the bed and Silas chuckled. “Like that?” “Yes … don’t stop…” “Baby, I’m just getting started.” 57


He half whimpered at that, then gasped, when Silas began slowly, playfully, licking his balls and Josh thought he might come completely apart in that instant. The feeling was beyond pleasure into something more, something Josh couldn’t describe, he only knew he had Silas to thank for it. “Silas…” “I’m right here.” Back arching again, Josh tangled his fingers in the spread, as Silas continued his sensual assault, rendering Josh speechless when he felt one lube slick finger gently slink into him, carefully, cautiously stretching him. “Too much?” He could hear the genuine concern in Silas’s voice, and he shook his head, even as he slowly began to adjust to the feeling. “Not … not too much…” To prove it, he pushed against the finger, urging Silas to move. Silas took the silent but obvious hint and carefully slipped in a second finger and Josh held back a hiss. When Silas curled his fingers, pressing deep, finding the sensitive nerves, Josh arched off the bed and cried out. “God, you’re beautiful when you do that. I think I could come just watching you.” His eyes were heavy, but he forced them open, to find Silas’s eyes focused on him and Josh realized that just aroused him more. “Silas, please … I need…” “What? Tell me what you need?” 58


“You. Inside of me. Please.” “Okay. If you’re sure you’re ready…” “If you make me wait a second more…” He heard Silas laugh again, and then he was shifting over him, kissing him, hard and deep and then, without warning, he felt their positions flip, leaving Silas stretched on his back and Josh straddling him, a little dazed. “You set the pace, babe.” “Silas…” “As slow or fast as you want.” The concern was obvious and Josh felt an emotional rush that only intensified the desire, the need to give himself completely to this incredible man. Silas shifted his legs up, helping Josh brace himself. Their eyes locked as slowly, meticulously, he moved down, an inch at a time and gasping, knowing Silas was just as trapped in the undercurrent of desire as he was. “God, Josh, you … so tight … God…” “Incredible … you inside of me. Nothing like it.” Possessively, one hand gripped his hip with enough force Josh was certain he would have bruises, but he didn’t care in the least as Silas’s other hand wrapped around his straining cock and Josh’s entire body jerked in reaction. Beneath him, Silas moaned and arched his back. Sensation rained down around him and Josh moved again, just as Silas began stroking him, pumping him. Josh allowed his eyes to close as his head fell back. 59


Alive, on fire, the amazing man he knew he was falling in love with buried inside him, the world and everything in it ceased to exist. This was all that mattered. This was all he wanted.

60


Chapter Six

A

WEEKEND alone in his apartment with a beautiful, passionate, sexy

man was certainly Silas’s idea of a good time. Fate decided to smile on him and he didn’t have any surprise visits all weekend, not even from Sarah Dalton, who seemed to sense that Silas needed some time alone with Josh to rebuild a bond, which wasn’t a challenge at all. He and Josh connected easily, naturally; it was unlike any connection or bond Silas had ever shared with anyone and he knew that meant something. He knew he was quickly and completely falling in love with Josh Dalton. He tried hard not to think about how it could all blow up in his face, because the time still wasn’t right to tell Josh everything. Instead, he focused on simply being with Josh, learning what he enjoyed in and out of bed and by Sunday, he convinced a disbelieving Josh to pose for him. He made a beautiful sight, reclined on an old quilt, naked, hair mused and lips swollen. It was damn near impossible to concentrate on painting when his lover looked so delectable and so very eager and willing. “Maybe I should ask what you’re going to do with this painting.” Silas glanced from behind the canvas. “Maybe I’ll sell it.” 61


“I doubt you’ll get much.” “Don’t be so sure about that, babe.” Josh laughed as he went back to his painting and they were silently for a while, but it was comfortable and warm. It was nice to feel so at ease with someone. Silas realized he could get used to the feeling; he certainly didn’t want to see it end, but he knew that once the weekend was over, they would have to face reality again. And then what? He was terrified Josh would run again, and Silas wasn’t sure his heart could survive it. Pushing all dark thoughts from his mind, he told himself not to panic. He and Josh clearly had a special connection. Josh wouldn’t throw that away because things were different this time. Josh had said already that he didn’t have any desire to go on living a lie. He wanted to take his life and make it his, no rules set by anyone else and Silas was ready and willing to do anything and everything he could to help him with that. “Silas?” Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he looked at Josh again. “Yeah?” “I think I’m going to have to leave my job.” Noting that he didn’t sound particularly upset by that, Silas wiped his hands and moved to sit down beside Josh on the old quilt. “Because of your father being friends with Kevin?” “Kevin is a lot like my father.” “Yeah, he’s always been a little … we’ll say cool in dealing with me.” 62


“That’s another thing. I don’t want there to be trouble for you, because we are…” He flushed a little, and Silas smiled. “We’re involved. We could call it dating, but we haven’t actually had a real date.” “Well, you did feed me breakfast before I threw myself at you and begged you to fuck me into senseless oblivion, so we can call that a date.” Silas grinned, running his fingers through Josh’s hair. “Okay. So we can say we are dating, but I want you to know that I’m not worried about myself. I’ve been living out about my sexuality for a while, so I can deal with an ass like Kevin.” “But if he tells my father … I don’t want to sound like a coward, but the fact is, my father isn’t a good man. He can be dangerous and if he hurt you…” “He won’t. We’re in this together.” “I know.” He smiled, as Josh lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles. He knew Josh was stronger than he realized. He would handle his father and Kevin fine. And if Josh had to leave the firm, Silas would leave with him. No way would he work for people that couldn’t accept Josh for the wonderful, giving, kind man he was. The man I will protect, at all cost. “Do you want to go out?” “What do you mean?” Silas asked, surprised. “I was thinking, let’s go back to that bar where we met.” “Are you sure? I mean, are you ready for that? We could run into someone we know.” 63


In answer, Josh shrugged. “So what if we do?” “Josh…” “I’m ready to come out, Silas. I plan on calling my father tomorrow. I want to tell him, before he hears it from Kevin, and if need be I will quit my job and find another one.” His eyes locked with Silas’s and Silas was surprised by the peace he saw there. “I won’t say I’m not scared, because that would be the biggest lie ever, but I’ve realized this weekend that my past has controlled me for too long. I’m not a kid anymore. I’m not a teenager. I want back the parts of myself I lost when Samuel Maxwell managed to get me to break and be ashamed of myself.” He sounded so confident, so ready to face the world and tell his father to go to hell, that Silas couldn’t conceal the pride he felt as he leaned forward and kissed Josh with all the passion and desire he felt spilling from him. He was more certain that ever that Josh would be fine. But there’s still more he has to face, more he has to learn. Just not yet, Silas reasoned with himself, as the kiss deepened and Josh pulled him closer, hands already exploring with eager intent. Later. I’ll tell him everything later. Right now, I need him and he needs me. Denying them what they needed would have simply been cruel.

JOSH was surprised by just how good a time they were having, once he finally managed to completely relax. 64


He wasn’t going back on the decisions he had made to get his life in order, but it was still a little unnerving. He knew all hell would rain down once his father learned what he was doing, but for the first time, he wasn’t really afraid and Josh knew he had Silas to thank for that. He wasn’t in this alone; he had someone he could lean on, someone who cared about him for who he really was and not what they wanted him to be. They had gone to dinner first at a small Italian place before coming to The Nucleus, where they set together at the bar and Josh didn’t miss the looks fired in their direction. There is something intoxicating about being with the best looking man in the room. And there was no doubt Silas was that. Each time he smiled Josh felt his heart pound and he wanted to drag him back to his apartment and make love with him in every room, several times over, if possible. He was fairly certain Silas would be willing to indulge him. He still couldn’t believe how intense a connection that shared. He had never felt so completely at ease with anyone. In more ways than not, in all ways that mattered, Silas knew him as no one else ever had and realizing that he wasn’t afraid to be that open assured Josh this was right. Whatever the fallout, he wasn’t about to walk away from Silas. After finishing their second beer, Silas glanced down at his watch, then smiled at Josh and Josh felt himself instantly smile back. “I need to run to the restroom, but after that, what’s say we had back to my place?” “Have something in mind?” “Many things, actually. All of them naughty.”

65


Josh bit his lip, feeling instantly aroused as Silas stood and he watched him walk away, not bothering to hide the fact he enjoyed the sight of Silas’s ass in tight jeans. How did I resist throwing myself at him for so long? He really wasn’t sure, he only knew he wouldn’t be resisting again. Lost in a vivid daydream and mentally making plans about just what he wanted to do with Silas when they got back to the apartment, Josh didn’t realize someone had sat down in the stool Silas had left until a hand brushed over his arm. Turning, he saw a man about his age, blond with blue eyes, certainly handsome. But not like Silas. No one else is. “Hi. I’m Ty.” “Josh.” He smiled, just enough to be polite. “So, Josh, I noticed you seem to be here with Silas Spencer.” “You would be right about that.” “You two been together long?” Ty asked, signaling the bartender. “I’ll have my usual, and get Josh here whatever he wants.” “Nothing for me, thanks. Silas and I’ll be leaving soon.” “If you say so.” Josh watched the bartender walk away to prepare Ty’s drink and he silently prayed for Silas to return quickly. Something about Ty made him feel a little on edge, and it wasn’t the fact that the man had every intention of flirting with him, despite knowing he was here with Silas. It was 66


something else Josh couldn’t name, but he knew he wanted to be away from Ty sooner rather than later and he wanted to be close to Silas. “So you didn’t answer my question. Have you and Silas been together long?” “Not really. It’s complicated.” Ty smiled at that, as the bartender delivered his drink and quietly left. “Well, I can imagine that it is complicated. I mean, Silas is a complicated man.” “Do you know him well?” Why the hell did I just ask that? I really don’t want to know. “We dated for a month or so about two years ago.” After we were together for the first time. Josh was quick to remind himself that he had no right to feel jealous. He certainly hadn’t thought Silas was sitting around, waiting for him. It was natural that he had dated and maybe cared for others, he was a wonderful man and Josh considered himself lucky that Ty or some other guy hadn’t managed to win Silas’s heart before he came to his senses. “Listen, Josh, you seem like a good guy, so a word of advice.” “Really, I don’t…” “I know Silas seems great, and heaven knows he’s hot, but don’t get too attached or tangled up, because he has issues.” Ty leaned closer. “I mean, I guess it should be expected. A guy can’t be perfect, but Silas … well, we were going on about two months when I woke up one night to hear him talking, like there was someone else in the room, but of course, there wasn’t.” “I really don’t think I need to hear details about you and Silas…” 67


“Well, I asked him who he was talking to, ’cause I had been asleep, and he tells me that he was talking to a ‘displaced’ spirit.” Josh shook his head, telling himself to stand up and walk away from this jackass, but instead, he stayed seated. “What? What are you talking about?” “Silas claims he has some kind of ‘gift’ that allows him to communicate with the dead. Like that kid in The Sixth Sense. Ghosts … well, he doesn’t call them that for some strange reason, but these ghosts, or whatever, they come to him and he talks to them.” A laugh escaped Ty. “Apparently, he helps them if they have unfinished business or sometimes, they don’t even know they’re dead, so he, ya know, breaks it to them and helps them move on.” “That’s insane.” Josh slipped from the stool and stood. “No argument from me, handsome. Why do you think I hightailed it out of there? “What you’re saying … it’s insane and I…” “You don’t believe me? Just wait, or better yet, ask him about it.” There was an obvious challenge there, but Josh ignored it, as he turned from Ty to see Silas walking in their direction and he sighed in relief. He wanted to get away from Ty as soon as possible; he was fairly certain the guy was just some jealous ex, odds were he hadn’t been the one to end things with Silas and he was pissed. Ignore him, Josh. He’s an ass. Silas is a great guy. “Ready to get out of here?” Nodding as Silas slipped an arm around his waist, Josh glanced at Ty. “It was nice to meet you.” 68


“Same here.” His eyes moved to Silas. “Good to see you again, Silas.” “Have a good evening, Ty.” “You do the same.” Pressed close to Silas, they walked from the bar. Josh cast one glance over his shoulder to see that Ty watched them until they were out the door and he sighed, shaking his head once again, recalling everything Ty had said. Forget about it. Don’t even mention it to Silas. “You okay?” “Fine. Just … just ready to get home.” Mostly silent during the short drive, Josh looked out the window, unable to shake the things Ty had said from his mind. He had no idea why he was obsessing, considering how outlandish and insane the claims were. Taking to the dead? Displaced spirits? If he wanted to cause trouble, he should come up with a better story than that, it just made him sound foolish and maybe a little crazy. He had to know that, right? So maybe he was telling the truth? Hating that he couldn’t dismiss the conversation, Josh decided to mention it to Silas, just to hear him laugh it off. The he would know for certain Ty had simply been full of shit. Shrugging off his jacket as they stepped into the apartment and Silas locked the door, Josh figured it was as good a time as any to toss it out there. “That guy at the bar. Ty …”

69


“Austin,” Silas supplied as he slipped off his own jacket. “Sorry you got caught up talking to the jerk, babe. He’s … well, Ty’s pretty full of himself.” “He said you two dated.” “Briefly. A mistake on my part.” “Well, he told me the most insane thing.” He laughed a little as Silas turned to look at him. “What did he tell you?” The tension that slipped into Silas’s voice didn’t go unnoticed and Josh felt a sinking feeling, in the pit of his stomach. “He said … he told me this crazy story about you thinking you can talk to ghosts…” “Displaced spirits.” Oh God… “Silas…” “We need to talk, Josh. I … this isn’t how I want to tell you, but I need you to know the truth about me and what I can do.” “Silas, you’re scaring me.” The cold he thought he had escaped began to crawl over him again, chasing away the warmth and the peace he had found in Silas’s arms and he wanted to scream about that being unfair and wrong as Silas winced. “I’m sorry, because the last thing I want to do is scare you or give you a reason to run away from me, but you need to know that Ty was telling you the truth.” 70


“That isn’t possible.” “It is possible, and as hard as it is to believe, I do see and talk to displaced spirits.”

71


Chapter Seven

THE look in Josh’s eyes told Silas all he needed to know and he felt almost frantic, as he realized they weren’t alone in the room. Looking to his left, he saw Sarah there, her attention focused on Josh and seeing her, Silas knew that no matter what, he had to make certain Josh listened to him long enough to hear what Sarah needed him to know. “Silas…” Josh shook his head, the trust that had been in his eyes evaporating. “I know it sounds crazy, but I’m asking you for five minutes. Just sit down and let me tell you all of it and then, if you want to walk away, if you want to leave, I won’t try and stop you.” But it will kill me, don’t doubt that. Holding his breath, he watched Josh closely, seeing the worry, the confusion in his eyes, before he finally nodded. “Okay. I’m listening.” He was still standing stiffly, making no effort to move or sit down and Silas decided not to push the issue as he released a sigh, praying he could handle the fallout from this. “My grandfather always told me that the men in our family sometimes had unique gifts, but I didn’t really know what he meant. My did never talked about it and my mother said my grandfather was crazy, but I didn’t 72


believe that. I knew he was telling the truth, but just what that truth meant … well, that I didn’t find out until I was about ten.” “What happened?” “As far back as I can remember, I could see and talk to people others couldn’t, but I just figured it was in my imagination.” He smiled a little. “When I turned ten, I finally realized that it wasn’t just some illusion, the people I could see and talk to were real.” “In the sense they were…” Josh trailed off, eyes guarded. “Some people would call them ghosts, but I don’t like the word, so I refer to them as displaced souls or spirits.” “Silas…” “I told my grandfather what was happening and he assured me it was okay, I wasn’t crazy, but my mother didn’t have that reaction.” Taking a moment to collect his emotions and thoughts, he walked to the sofa and sat down, well aware that Josh watched him, but made no move to come closer to him and Silas had to admit, at least to himself, that it hurt. He and Josh had made such progress during the last few days and now, it felt as if they were a thousand miles apart. Even more, emotionally. “I never talked about it with my mom and dad, after my mom’s initial reaction, but I did talk to my grandfather a lot and then he … well, he passed away.” “I’m sorry.” “So was I. Grady Spencer was wonderful. He came and saw me after…” 73


Leaning forward, he braced his arms on his knees, pulling his thoughts back on track, knowing he hadn’t gotten to the really hard part. He still had to tell Josh about Sarah. “To make a long story short, nothing has changed since I was a kid. I still see displaced souls, and I talk to them.” “You realize…” “That it sounds crazy? Yeah, I know. You aren’t the first to say it.” “You have to understand why.” Slowly, he nodded, trying not to feel hurt, but damn it, he was, he wanted Josh to be the one person to accept him and believe him and not turn away. “A lot of times, they just need to talk to someone, before they cross over, but sometimes, they ask me to do things for them.” “What kind of things?” Looking up, he realized Josh had moved closer, just a few feet, but Silas took it as a good sign, a sign that maybe, just maybe, Josh could believe him. “Sometimes they want to get a final message to a loved one.” “And you…” “Usually, I send a letter. Or make a call.” Granted, that was about to change, but Silas wanted to hold off on that for a minute more, even as he glanced in Sarah’s direction.

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He could see she was anxious, and he didn’t blame her; he was feeling pretty anxious himself and beyond that, there was a chance he was about to have his heart broken. “I … look, I don’t even know if I believe in an afterlife, Silas, so all of this is a little much.” “I know.” “No, I don’t think you do.” Josh snapped. “Josh…” “I’ve taken this huge risk with you and now … now, you’re telling me you see ghosts…” “Displaced souls.” “Whatever.” Agitated, feeling as if he were fighting a losing battle, Silas stood, still aware of Sarah, knowing he would have to explain her presence soon. “I know it’s a lot to accept…” “I can’t accept it.” “Josh, please, don’t. Don’t walk away from me. From us.” “There is no us. I was crazy to think…” He laughed, but it was harsh and bitter and Silas knew, as he looked at him, that Josh was bolting emotionally and at any moment, he would make his physical escape and that would be the end of it, the end of them. “Tell him, Silas. Everything. Start with what you feel.” Glancing towards Sarah again, as she moved to stand closer to Josh, Silas realized he had nothing left to lose. 75


“Josh, I love you. I think I fell in love with you three years ago. And I love you more now.” “Silas…” “And I think you love me, too. That’s why you came to me.” “It was a mistake…” “It wasn’t and you know it.” Silas took a single step towards him. “You in my arms, that wasn’t a mistake and you opening up to me about what happened to you, that wasn’t a mistake. Finally admitting to yourself that you can’t go on living a lie, that wasn’t a mistake and you know it wasn’t, just like you know I mean it when I say I love you.” Josh turned from him slightly, shaking his head, but Silas knew he was getting to him. “Don’t change your mind about the decisions you’ve made, Josh. Don’t let fear control you.” “You don’t…” “Understand? Believe me, I do. Change can be scary. Facing the unknown is scary.” The idea of losing you forever scares me. “This is just a lot, Silas. Me trying to get my life figured out is one thing. But…” “You don’t believe me.” “Would you believe me, if you were in my shoes?” “I would be willing to try.” Because I love you. “What if … what if I could prove it?” He saw Sarah nodding, she obviously knew what he was 76


about to do and she approved, which came as a relief to Silas, as he needed all the encouragement possible in that moment. Frowning, Josh looked at him again, but his eyes were distant and cautious. I’ve already lost him. Swallowing past the emotions that threatened to overtake him, he waited for Josh to answer, to give some indication as to just what he was thinking. “Prove it? Prove it how?” “It’s okay, Silas. You can do this. Don’t give up.” Sarah offered him a smile, but he could see the worry in her eyes. “Tell him that when he was young, I had a nickname for him. I called him Pumpkin, but never when his father was around, because Charles couldn’t stand nicknames so we made it our little secret.” He could hear the echo of tears in Sarah’s voice as he nodded, praying this would work, that he could make Josh at least believe him enough to accept what Sarah needed to convey to him before she could move on. Drawing in a breath, he mentally prepared himself for the worst. Josh leaving and not coming back. “When you were young, your mother had a nickname for you…” “What the…” “She called you Pumpkin, but neither of you allowed your father to hear that, because he couldn’t stand nicknames.” Disbelief. Anger. Confusion. More anger.

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Silas watched the play of emotions in Josh’s eyes, knowing that it would be the anger he would grab on to, because anger was something he could understand. “I don’t know how you found that out, but if you … if you are trying to tell me you have talked to my mother, that is sick.” His voice was ice cold and Silas nearly winced. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Silas? What kind of game is this? I fucking open up to you and I let myself get close to you and you pull this shit and … God, you’re not crazy, you’re just sick and cruel.” “Josh…” “Just shut up! And stay away from me…” “Tell him I heard what he said, at my grave, after everyone else left.” “She heard you, Josh. At the funeral. After the others left, you stayed.” Sarah again stepped closer to Josh and Silas could sense her desperation because it matched his, as Josh glared hard at him. “He told me he loved me and he’s sorry if he was a disappointment to me, but I need him to know I was never once disappointed with him.” “You told her you loved her. You said you were sorry if you disappointed her…” “Stop…” “She wants you to know you never disappointed her, but she disappointed you.” Silas watched again as Josh turned and looked at him. Sarah seemed anxious to witness his reaction and Silas was just as on edge. “She came to me, Josh. She came to me because … well, she said she sensed that you and I have a connection and she sought me out, because she needs me to reach out to you.” Sarah appearing to him had 78


just given him the excuse he needed, to reach out, but Silas knew now wasn’t the time to tell Josh that. “Tell him I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for him.” “She’s sorry, Josh. She’s sorry she didn’t stand up for you.” Shaking his head, Josh moved towards the door. “I can’t hear this.” His voice sounded rough, as if he were struggling for control and Josh wasn’t about to fall apart in front of him again, not when he was ready to walk away. I can’t stop him for myself, but I can make him listen for Sarah’s sake. “If you want to hate me, that’s fine. I’ll accept that, Josh. But please listen.” “What you’re saying…” “You think it’s not possible, but it is,” Silas whispered, forcing himself not to go to Josh, because he wanted so much to touch him but he knew Josh didn’t want that now, and there was a good chance that Josh would never want to be touched by him again. “Take this chance and hear what she has to say, because if you don’t, you’ll regret it. And a lot of people would give anything to have one more chance, however insane it might seem, to talk to someone they’ve lost.” Slowly, Josh turned, but he stayed by the door, clearly ready to run. “I can’t believe any of this, Silas.” “Actually, I think you do believe it, but you don’t want to, because it’s out of the norm, and it doesn’t fit into what you’ve always seen as reality.” He laughed and again, it was a bitter sound. “Reality? You want reality? Reality is, my mother did fail me and I made excuses for that for years, but she failed me, Silas. She fucking failed when she just stood back 79


and did nothing when my father sent me to that son of a bitch, Samuel Maxwell. She failed to protect me the day he beat the shit out of me and you know, those are just two of the real big failures, but there are a hundred more.” “Josh…” “No, she failed me, Silas. She let my father send me to a man who tortured me, she let him make me into some mindless zombie and when she had the chance, when she could have helped me, she didn’t do it, so any message she has for me now ... well, she can shove it.” Helpless, powerless to do anything to take away the pain, he watched as Josh brushed tears from his eyes before he could shed them. He needs this; he needs to get the anger out. “I know. Please, tell him I know and I’m sorry.” “She knows she screwed up and she’s sorry.” “Sorry? Does that make it better?” He leaned against the door. “And … is she…” He waved his hand to gesture around the room and Silas knew what he was wanting to ask, but he couldn’t bring himself to say the words yet. “She’s here.” “Where?” Sarah moved again, standing close to her son. “She’s beside you. On your right.” He didn’t look in that direction, because he already knew he wouldn’t see her, but Silas was left with the impression that Josh believed him. “This is insane…” 80


“Ask her something.” Silas suggested. “Anything. Ask her and I’ll tell you what she says.” For a second, it looked as if he would refuse, but he finally sighed and rolled his eyes. “I want … I want to know why she didn’t take me and leave my father? Why did she stay? Was she that in love with him?” “I was scared. And weak.” “She says she was scared and weak.” “Those are great excuses.” Josh snapped. “I don’t think she’s offering excuses, Josh. I think she’s telling the truth.” “Seems that neither you or her know a lot about the truth.” “Everything that has happened between you and me has been real and I have not lied or held back when it comes to my feelings for you.” “Why should I believe you?” Silas shook his head. “If I have to tell you, maybe … maybe it wasn’t real.” “That isn’t true,” Sarah argued, looking at Silas pleadingly. “Maybe it wasn’t.” He pulled in a deep breath, holding it for a long moment, refusing himself the right to break down or again beg Josh to believe him. He knew this was hard for Josh and he wanted to offer him what understanding and support he needed, but it was difficult to focus on that when his heart was about to shatter and there was nothing he could do to stop it. 81


“Silas, you can’t walk away from him.” I’m not walking away, but he is, and I have to survive that somehow. “Your mother loved you, Josh. She made some mistakes. Big ones.” “I’d say.” “You can forgive her, or you can hold onto the anger and hate, but I think forgiving might be the way to go, so you can move on with your life.” Sarah turned her attention back to her son. “Tell him that I don’t expect forgiveness, but I love him and I want him to be happy.” “She doesn’t expect you to forgive her, but she wants you to be happy.” “Sounds so easy.” His sarcasm was obvious and Silas smiled sadly. “It could be. But that’s up to you.” Josh looked at him, keeping the eye contact brief, but Silas saw all he needed to know. I’ve lost him. “I’ve got to get out of here.” He pushed from the door and Silas nodded. “Stop him.” Sarah looked almost frantic. “I can’t. He wants to go, and…” Silas shook his head and Josh watched. “I’m sorry, Sarah. Looks like you aren’t the only one who failed here.” For a moment, Josh seemed to hesitate and then he turned and opened the door and as Silas watched, he walked out without looking back. 82


He took Silas’s heart with him and Silas held little hope of getting back either his heart or Josh, which meant he could do only one thing. Learn to live without both.

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Epilogue

SILAS stood back, eyes critical as he studied the painting he had just finished, trying to decide if he was satisfied with the final product. He had three more days to select which pieces he wanted to include in his first public show and he was nervous. He knew Susan Myers would never have agreed to display his work if she didn’t believe he could and would make an impression, and he was grateful for all the help she had provided during the last two months. A forty five year old, boisterous redhead, rocketing through her fourth divorce, Susan Myers was a force of nature and Silas adored her. In many ways, she reminded him of his grandfather. After finally finding the nerve to take his work to a local gallery, Susan encouraged Silas to focus more attention on his art and her suggestion prompted him to do what he had already been considering for a while. He quit his job at the law firm, even turning down a sizable raise to stay, but the extra money hadn’t tempted him in the least. He had already spent too much time not following after what his heart and soul wanted most. Even if he fell flat on his face, he wanted to be able to say he tried to make a go of it as an artist, because he didn’t want to someday regret not having given it his best shot. Already, he had enough regrets, he didn’t need more. 84


For nearly two months now, he had officially been an unemployed artist and he loved it. What he didn’t love was still missing Josh so much it made him ache inside. It’s been almost three months, Silas. Face it. He’s gone and he’s not coming back. Before he quit, word had spread through the office that Josh had taken a lengthy leave of absence, but no one seemed to know where he went or when he would be back. Shaking his head, disgusted with himself for not being able to control his thoughts and focus, Silas abandoned his study of the paining and moved to the sofa, where he sat down, dropping his head back and closing his eyes. He was tired, but it was too early to go to bed and even if he did, he wouldn’t sleep much. He couldn’t turn his mind off and when he did, it was never for more than a few hours before erotic dreams pulled him from sleep or he awakened because he sensed he wasn’t alone in his room, that he had a visitor. Of course, he still did what he could to help those that came to him. He couldn’t turn his back on his gift, he didn’t have it in him to refuse to give someone final peace before they crossed over, but he had to admit, his heart wasn’t really in it, not the way it had once been. He knew his grandfather would call it shameful and disrespectful, but he couldn’t help the way he felt and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had failed not only Sarah but Josh as well. He hadn’t seen Sarah since the night Josh walked out and he didn’t think he would see her again, and he didn’t blame her. 85


She had come to him and he had let her down and Silas was sorry for that. He couldn’t deny that Sarah had made a lot of mistakes when it came to Josh, but she was truly sorry for those mistakes and for Silas, at least, that meant something. Don’t do this to yourself again. He issued the order, knowing he would ignore it. He couldn’t help himself, no matter how many times he replayed it all in his mind, he still felt the shame and the guilt. And the desire. All he had to do was think about Josh and his body reacted, his cock swelled in his pants and his heart raced. His eyes closed, it was easy to conjure a delicious memory. Naked, he lay on the bed, skin flushed, painfully aroused, just as Silas was, but Silas didn’t rush to touch him because he wanted to take his time and that was a challenge when it came to Josh. He had to fight to control his desire, his need; it amazed him how just the smallest smile could push him right to the edge and Josh knew it. “Are you gonna stare at me all night or fuck me?” “Oh, I fully intended to fuck you, baby, but I’ve got to say, you look good.” “So do you.” “Josh…” “How about you get in bed and we can make one another feel good.”

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Despite his resolve not to, Silas wondered if Josh was haunted by those memories, or if he had found a way to push them aside and move on with his life. All I can do is wish him well and let go. It was, he knew, easier said than done. The fact that he was sitting here, after three months, sulking like a love sick schoolboy was proof of that unhappy reality. Startled when a knock sounded on the door, Silas cursed under his breath, fairly certain he knew who was standing in his hallway. Mike Logan, a twenty-something accountant, had moved into the building three weeks ago and he had come up with numerous excuses to drop in unexpectedly, even after Silas kindly told him he wasn’t interested in going out. The guy was cute, and he seemed nice enough, but he had one major strike against him. He wasn’t Josh and when it came down to it, Silas simply didn’t want anyone but Josh Dalton in his arms or his bed or his heart. You, Silas, are a fool and a pitiful fool at that. Deciding to be more firm in his rejection this time, Silas opened the door, heart falling from his chest to his stomach. “Josh…” “Hi, Silas.” For a brief moment, he wondered if he had finally lost his mind, if he was just seeing what he wanted to see as he drank in the sight of Josh in well worn jeans and a black sweater, his hair slightly longer and disarrayed by the wind. 87


He looked incredible, even more so as he slowly smiled. “Can I come in?” Pulled from his stupor, Silas nodded and stepped back, allowing him into the apartment, trying not to appear as anxious as he felt as he closed the door. “I should have called, but I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me.” Surprised by the admission, he turned to find Josh had moved across the room, to look at the painting he had just finished. “Of course I would want to see you.” “After the way I left…” He shook his head. “Listen, Josh…” “I heard you left the firm. And about the show.” Josh smiled, easily and naturally and Silas felt a rush of warmth, seeing the smile that had haunted his dreams for nearly three months. “I’m happy for you and I’m sure you’ll be a hit.” “Thanks. It’s a little … intimidating. But I figured it was time to step out of my safe zone.” “I’ve been trying to do that myself lately.” “Really?” Nodding, Josh turned from the painting to look at him, but neither of them moved any closer to the other. Silas couldn’t deny the tension between them, just as he couldn’t deny that the desire was still there, still burning, but beyond the desire was the fact that he still loved Josh and he wanted nothing more than to pull him into his arms and kiss him until the world stopped spinning. 88


But he couldn’t do that. He had no idea why Josh had come to see him nearly three months after Josh walked out the door. Three months without a phone call or an email or any attempt at communication. Silas wanted to be angry about that, but more than anything, he was hurt and he couldn’t lie to himself about that. “Look, Silas, the first thing I should do is tell you that I’m sorry.” “For what?” “For leaving like I did. For not calling. For the things I said…” “Which things would those be? Saying I was sick and cruel or saying that everything between us was nothing but a lie?” “All of that. I’m sorry I…” He shook his head, cursing under his breath. “When Ty told me about you, saying you could talk to displaced spirits, I just thought he was some ex-boyfriend acting like a jerk. I expected you to just laugh it off when I told you what he said.” “Instead I told you the truth.” “You did. And I reacted badly. I acted like an ass.” “I know it was shocking.” Silas knew he had to give him that and Josh smiled. “To say the least.” “For what it’s worth, that isn’t how I wanted you to find out. I wanted to wait until the time felt right, to tell you. I knew things were still kind of new between us, but when you told me what Ty said, I couldn’t deny it, Josh. I couldn’t lie about that part of myself.” “I understand, Silas. I really do.” 89


“But do … do you believe me?” He looked down as he asked, unable to face the disbelief in the eyes of the man he loved. “Yes. Yes, I believe you.” Startled, he looked up again, shaking his head. “What?” “I believe you. I mean, it took a while to admit that to myself, but I know you were telling me the truth about what you can do.” “Because of the stuff your mother told me?” “No. Because once I had time to calm down and pull my head out of my ass, I realized you are the one, the only, person on my life who has never lied to me.” At least he knows that. Still unsure, Silas shoved his hands in his pocket, trying to deny his urge to cross the room and touch the man he loved, just to prove that he was really there and this wasn’t a dream. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am for the horrible things I said.” “It’s okay. I mean, it was a lot to throw at you.” “Maybe, but it doesn’t excuse me calling you sick and accusing you of lying, and for whatever it is worth, I’m sorry I just left like I did.” “Why has it taken three months for you to get around to saying this?” He noticed Josh winced a little at that, which was something Silas told himself he should consider a victory, but he didn’t. It only made him feel worse, because now, he was acting like an ass, and he hated that, even if he was doing it to try and protect himself from more pain. 90


“I wanted to call you, come see you, before now, but I couldn’t.” “Why not?” “Honestly? I wasn’t ready. I had a lot to deal with…” “I would have helped.” The words were out before he could stop them, but since it was the truth he didn’t try and take them back. “I know. And part of me wanted that, but I couldn’t reach out to you.” “Josh…” “I had to do it myself, Silas. I had to stand on my own and take back my life.” He considered that, as he went to the sofa and sat down, aware that Josh watched every move he made. Knowing he did made Silas even more painfully alert to his presence. His heart was still racing and he wanted to touch Josh so desperately his hands and body seemed to ache with the need he couldn’t let himself indulge. Not yet; not until he knew what Josh wanted from him. “I went to see my father.” His voice was surprisingly calm, which was the last thing Silas felt as he lifted his eyes. Josh smiled at his reaction. “Big step, I know. And it was scary as well. But I went and saw him and I told him that I am gay, and I don’t intend to deny that or hide it. And of course, he yelled, he screamed, he said he would disown me and I told him I could live with that.” “Josh, that … I don’t know what to say.” “It’s a good thing, so you can be happy for me.” 91


“Of course I’m happy for you.” “I also just informed Kevin that I’m quitting and I’m thinking about getting a job with the D.A’s office, something along those lines. I’m really more drawn to criminal law and I think it’s about time I did what I want to do.” Silas smiled, sensing his confidence. “That’s great, Josh.” “I also tracked down Samuel Maxwell.” “You did what?” “He’s not in a position to hurt anyone anymore. Bastard is in prison. His little camp got busted up for child abuse about six years or seven years ago and it seems that Maxwell will be in prison for the next forty years. If he lives that long. He’s not in the best health.” “Are you okay?” He couldn’t hide his concern and he didn’t want to. “Yeah. It wasn’t fun, seeing the bastard again, but it was good for me and I … I looked him in the eye and I called him every rotten name that came to mind.” “What did he say?” “Nothing. Not one word.” Silas shook his head. “I guess there’s not much he could say.” “Not much that I would want to hear.” “So you’ve been busy.” “A little. And I … Silas, I wanted to call you. I started to. But I wouldn’t let myself do it, until I knew I was whole and not some emotional mess.” 92


“I never saw you as an emotional mess.” “I know. But I was.” “Josh…” “I also went to my mother’s grave and I talked to her, Silas. I couldn’t see her, but I could feel she was close to me and I told her that I forgive her. And I love her and I hope she finds peace.” Knowing that couldn’t have been easy, knowing the significance of the gesture, Silas stood, but stayed beside the sofa, making no move towards Josh. He wanted to, he wanted to pull him tight into his arms and never again let go, but he couldn’t be the one to do it, couldn’t be the one to reach out and cross the distance. Josh had to do it; Josh had to take that step. If he even wants to. Maybe he’s here to say goodbye. I could be one more stop on a ‘to do’ list. “I know that meant a lot to her.” “I hopes so. Have you…” “Seen her? Not since the night you left.” “Maybe she’s moved on then. I hope so. I hope she’s happy.” “She wanted the same for you, Josh. It’s why…” He looked away. “It’s way she came to me and I want you to know, I’m really sorry because I dropped the ball.” “Silas…” “I failed to help Sarah and I failed you.”

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“No. God, no. You didn’t fail me, Silas. It’s because of you that I finally faced the past.” “Josh…” “Please look at me.” Drawing in a breath, he did as Josh asked and Josh smiled. “You made me open my eyes and more than that, Silas, you made me open up my heart. And I might be too late, and if I am, that is a regret I will never be able to escape, but I had to get my life figured out and I had to stand up for myself before I could do what I most want to do.” “What is that?” “Tell you that I love you and that I really like the idea of spending my life with you.” Instantly, Silas could feel tears burning his eyes, his throat suddenly tight with emotions, as the words fully sank in, melting away his fears, chasing away the chill and giving him a hope he had refused to harbor since the night Josh walked out the door. “If it’s too late…” “No. No, it’s not too late, Josh. It’s … I love you…” The force of Josh almost throwing himself into his arms knocked Silas backwards, sending him onto the sofa at an awkward angle, but he didn’t care, didn’t even notice, because Josh’s lips were hard against his. Tongues clashed, danced, hands gripped and searched and Silas tried to shift their position, but inadvertently sent them tumbling to the floor. Josh laughed openly when Silas landed on top of him and Silas shook his head. “That wasn’t what I was going for.” 94


“It’s okay. Let’s just say we’re both out of practice.” “Which means we should drag ourselves to the bedroom…” “And practice.” Josh grinned, arching up for a quick kiss that wasn’t nearly enough. “Josh…” “I’m okay, Silas. I’m here.” “Thank God, but you should know, some things haven’t changed.” “You mean you still get ‘visitors’ who need your help?” Silas nodded slowly. “Yeah. I can’t turn this ability off. And I don’t think I would if I could.” “I wouldn’t want you to. It’s part of who you are and I don’t want you to change.” “Really?” “Really. I can live with you helping anyone who needs it, as long as these visitors do their best not to appear when we’re in the middle of a nice long ‘practice’ session.” “Actually, for whatever reason, they are good about not showing up at those critical moments.” “Thank God!” Laughing, Silas pushed himself to his feet and extended a hand, helping Josh stand. “Ready to take me to bed and have your wicked way with me?” Josh grinned and Silas tugged him into his arms.

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“You had better believe it.” Silas lost himself in the green eyes he adored. “I love you.” Josh’s arms went tight around his waist. “I love you, too. And I promise, I will never walk away from you again.” Knowing a promise that would be kept when he heard it, Silas smiled and pulled Josh close, certain everything would be okay. Better than okay, it would be perfect. They were together now and beyond that, nothing else mattered.

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Other Titles from Lisa Marie…

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What Matters Most | Lisa Marie Davis Published by Dreamspinner Press 4760 Preston Road Suite 244‐149 Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental. What Matters Most Copyright © 2008 by Lisa Marie Davis Cover Design by Mara McKennen This book is licensed to the original purchaser only. Duplication or distribution via any means is illegal and a violation of International Copyright Law, subject to criminal prosecution and upon conviction, fines and/or imprisonment. This eBook cannot be legally loaned or given to others. No part of this eBook can be shared or reproduced without the express permission of the publisher. To request permission and all other inquiries, contact Dreamspinner Press at: 4760 Preston Road, Suite 244‐149, Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ Released in the United States of America October, 2008 eBook edition eBook ISBN: 978‐1‐935192‐11‐4

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What Matters Most

What Matters Most

What Matters Most