Girl Power (Summersdale Humour)

Emma Burgess

SUMMERSDALE

Copyright © Summersdale Publishers Ltd 2001 All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor transmitted, nor translated into a machine language without the written permission of the publisher Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester PO19 1RP www.summersdale.com ISBN 1 84024 203 5 Printed and bound in Great Britain Text by Emma Burgess Cartoons by Kate Taylor

Qualities needed to achieve Girl Power 1.

Assertiveness

2.

Self Belief

3.

Inner Beauty

4.

Confidence

5.

Assertiveness…again. (It really is very important)

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Dispelling some popular myths about Girl Power 1.

Kickboxing skills are not essential.

2.

Nor are cyber-chick style pneumatic knockers (despite what your boyfriend might tell you).

3.

Intimidation is not big or clever (so use sparingly).

4.

You don’t have to go abseiling / parachuting / hang-gliding just because you’ve got your period.

5.

You don’t have to wear winged products at all.

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Why being single is good 1.

You never have to sleep on the soggy patch…unless you wet the bed.

2.

You don’t have to put your loo-seat back down every time you visit the bathroom…

3.

…Or sponge wee off the carpet…

4.

…Or the wall for that matter.

5.

You save money on leg and bikini waxing.

8

Don’t be afraid to use the F word in public…Feminism isn’t dead yet.

9

Always be quick to get the measure of your man…if he’s anything less than 6 inches, don’t bother.

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If a revolting man insists on giving you his phone number, tell him you’ll type it directly into your phone, and then take ages scrolling through the names already in it. When he asks why it’s taking so long, explain that the names aren’t in alphabetical order, they’re in order of sex appeal, and you need to scroll right to the bottom before inserting his details.

12

Some men like to feel threatened by a woman, but it can be expensive to enroll on a course of selfdefence for women. Instead, just photograph him in a compromising way and threaten to send it to his wife. That way you’ll actually make a profit.

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Learn some of the many ways in which you can make a man gaze in awe at you. For instance, why not learn to read maps?

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Gauge a man’s character by asking him some searching questions on a first date, such as, ‘would you mind removing your hand from my bra?’

16

Don’t be afraid to sleep with your boss to further your career…she’ll be gagging for it.

17

Make sure you have at least the IQ of a monkey. You never know when you might have to outsmart a man.

18

If you’ve been going out with someone for quite some time, take him on holiday…it’s far easier to lose someone when you’re on foreign turf.

19

To maintain that sense of Girl Power, chant out loud ‘women are superior to men’ once every hour . . . except while the AA man is fixing your car for you.

20

All men assume that all women are gagging for it all the time, which makes playing hard to get a wasted effort. Many men don’t understand anything less subtle than a rape alarm.

21

There’s no need to give your boyfriend a foreign phrase book when on holiday… he’ll be able to cope perfectly well by flashing a tattoo depicting a pint of lager.

22

When dumping a man, first ensure that the amenity tip is licensed to accept cadavers.

23

If you want to scare a man off talk about your long-term plans with him…like a second date.

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Being single is the crux of Girl Power. Keeping a man in tow can be very restrictive… as with any other pet.

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Keep a close eye on any excess fat…and dump him if necessary.

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Should you ever catch an exboyfriend bitching about you on

Kilroy, don’t despair. You can upstage him on Jerry

Springer…which has much higher ratings.

30

Burn your bras…and buy some more, even sexier ones.

31

Always shave your legs and armpits before a night of passion…unless you want to be responsible for GBH. Oh, on seconds thoughts don’t bother. Can you imagine a man apologising for leaving stubble rash all over your thighs?

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If you want to wear a short skirt, be aware that men are going to want to look up it at some point. So to prepare for this, why not make sure that they get an eyeful of something that will interest them . . . like a print-out of the latest football results?

33

Always carry an extra large condom with you. If a man tries to chat you up you can then show it to him and say, ‘Sorry, I don’t think you’re my size.’

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Be sure to use a good form of contraceptive…like his personality for instance.

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If you snag your tights or scuff your new shoes on the way to your date don’t panic, as his mind will be concentrating on much higher things…like your bosoms.

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First impressions count. If your

Madonna impression doesn’t go right the first time, forget it.

40

Always buy the latest personal stereos with the tiniest earphones that can be hidden under your hair. There’s nothing worse than actually listening to a bloke while he’s trying to chat you up.

41

Make sure you’ve always got a good excuse to justify your shopping habit. In January, for instance, you will start to feel the pressure once you realise that there are only 300 shopping days left until Christmas.

42

Never accept anything from a man you have no intention of sleeping with. All men live under the delusion that a fair barter for a gin and tonic is a full half-hour sex session with you. That’s nonsense, of course. 15 minutes should be the maximum.

43

If you are having problems dumping your boyfriend, just leave a copy of The Female

Eunuch by your bed. Alternatively, tell him you love him.

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Get yourself a diamond

geezer…someone who will willingly open an account for you at Tiffany’s and pay it off.

46

Don’t think of marriage in any way as a diminution of your girl power. On the contrary, having a maiden name and a married name entitles you to twice as many store cards…which your husband can then pay off for you.

47

Always show a bit of cleavage on a date. That way, if you want to eye up other men around you, your date will never know.

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Always let a man do the talking on a first date. That way you can work out if he’s half as smart as you.

50

If a date doesn’t go to plan but you don’t have the heart to let him down, just say ‘call me’ but make sure the number you leave is for the Electricity Board.

51

Don’t wear too much make-up to impress a man…they don’t even notice when you get a drastic hair cut, so why waste time curling your lashes and lining your lips?

52

Try to avoid having too many cuddly toys on display in your bedroom when you first take a man back there…he may want to play with them.

53

Don’t smile too much. Your smile is a fishing net that can ensnare any man in its way, so use it sparingly. When you’re fishing for lobster, you don’t want rancid eels wriggling in your net.

54

Don’t ever let on to a man on a first date that you’ve got your period. With some men it only encourages them. Ugh.

55

If you want to break the world record in bloke pulling, wear an inflatable bra and inflate it in front of him. Simultaneously, you might just notice something else inflating.

56

Always wear cheap perfume on a date, and save your best stuff for nights out with your girlfriends. Most men have no sense of smell (otherwise they wouldn’t grin whenever they farted), so don’t waste your Chanel No. 5.

57

Never drink too much on a first date…You will be thankful for your sobriety when climbing out the restaurant’s loo window to escape if things get boring.

58

Always have a cigarette lighter handy in case a man comes up to you and asks for a light. Saying no to his chat-up line, ‘excuse me, have you got a light’ feels so much more empowering when you know you’ve got one in your pocket.

59

Always carry a large prosthetic penis in your pants. If a man flashes at you, just flash back and make him feel really inadequate.

60

Keep a huge bottle of bubbly by the bed…you can always clobber him over the head with it if he tries anything weird.

61

Always keep an air of mystery about you. Like maybe don’t even tell him you’re a woman: let him work it out for himself.

62

Help potential boyfriends out by labeling your mouth and your lower bits with letters of the alphabet…you know how men like to get from A to B in record breaking time.

63

Don’t fall for the temptation of foreign men. You won’t get the variety you expect because foreign men are only interested in the same thing as British blokes …football.

64

Maybe try to curb your swearing when out on a date. Men love their women to be girlie, sweet and demure. Yeah right. All that really concerns them is whether or not you go like a train.

65

To impress your man, remember the art of Geisha and master a little of everything. Belching on cue, lighting your own farts and drinking your own sick from a pint glass are a good starting point.

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Never let your man watch you shave your legs or armpits. Before you know it, he’ll have convinced you that shaving the rest of your pubic hair is a good idea. (Have you ever seen a plucked turkey? Well, there you go.)

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Make sure you maintain your rule of privacy in the bathroom…catching your man taking a dump in the shower can be a bit of turn-off.

69

Don’t throw your big pants out just because you’ve got a boyfriend. They will still come in handy on those nights when he’s up for it but you’re not so sure. A staggering 90% of doctors claim that a huge pair of nylon apple-catchers work better than The Pill and

Spermicidal Jelly combined.

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Freak out your beautician by asking for a full Hollywood wax. When they question you, explain that it’s the one that doesn’t even leave a little furry landing strip.

72

Tell your boyfriend you’d like to get a pet panther…men love the thought of a big black pussy in the house.

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If you live together, encourage your boyfriend to take the rubbish out himself. Why on earth should you entertain his friends?

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Wear something suitable when you meet his parents. A good fancy dress store should stock a zookeeper’s uniform.

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The best way to give your boyfriend satisfaction is by helping him to satisfy YOU…tattoo directions on your thigh and then he stands a small chance of finding at least one erogenous zone.

76

It’s important for a woman to keep a sense of mystique about her. Actually this is equally important for men too – they love to act ignorant. Trouble is, they’re not acting.

77

Men love to be tied up in bed. Practice your sailing knots so you can leave him gagged and bound for days while you go out with your mates.

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If you want to please your man, learn as many positions as possible. But steer away from the obvious ones like Woman At

Sink, Girl Does Ironing and the classic Fetch My Tea, Bitch.

80

Learn to appreciate the manliness of your boyfriend. Sulking, farting and excessive drinking are all very manly.

81

Don’t expect your bloke to wear after-shave… he enjoys his own naturally cultivated smells too much.

82

Always let a man take the lead. He can walk the dog while you paint your nails.

83

Try not to overload your boyfriend’s brain with difficult concepts like fidelity, foreplay and fatherhood.

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Train your man so that he can perform all household duties without your help. This doesn’t apply to sex, of course, since all men are already more than capable of having sex on their own.

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It’s not enough to ask your boyfriend to wash his own clothes with regularity. He will think this is some sort of new washing powder; try and find it in the shops; fail and sulk for a week. And still his clothes will smell.

88

Don’t bother teaching him how to cook – your kitchen will never be the same, but do teach him to read so he can order a takeaway every once in a while.

89

Men are a lot more perceptive and sensitive than you think. He’s only too aware of your ‘time of the month’. Come to think of it, so are you – he’s locked you in the garden shed for a week.

90

Remember that Sylvia Pankhurst didn’t chain herself to the railings for nothing. So dig out your old bike padlocks and chain him up…and remember to forget the combination code.

91

If your fella has personal hygiene problems, be subtle in letting him know. A huge hoarding in your street informing passers-by that he smells ‘like rotting flesh’ should get the message across.

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Beware the Mummy’s Boy: he is to be avoided at all costs. Thankfully he’s easy to spot because he appears to have a good dress sense…but only because Mummy still buys his clothes. If he asks to suckle from you, run for the hills.

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Be flattered when he buys you presents…even if they are pointlessly shallow things like crotchless knickers, a book on banishing cellulite and a breast enlargement voucher.

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Wear mittens when out on a cinema date with a man…then he won’t bother to try that nasty little popcorn trick on you when the lights go down.

96

Read a quality newspaper rather than the tabloids. They’re better for rolling up and hitting persistent men with.

97

If you’re concerned about unwanted pregnancy after a one-night stand, remember that the best form of contraception is to let him go off and shag one of your friends instead.

98

Remember that men enjoy being flattered and will love you for it . . . the only problem is finding something about them that’s worth praising.

99

If a man wants to come in for coffee, don’t forget to put the kettle on. The boiling water will come in handy when you realise it wasn’t coffee he was after.

100

Buy your boyfriend a dictionary for Christmas. Ask any man how to spell love and he’ll always say ’S.E.X.’

101

When someone tries to chat you up by asking how you’d like your eggs in the morning, reply ‘unfertilised’.

102

Your boyfriend may occasionally want to have an indepth discussion with you about important matters, so make sure you’re familiar with the lower reaches of the pop charts, not just the top 20.

103

Keep tabs on your boyfriend…and get him barcoded.

104

Hang around shoe shops to find your perfect man – preferably the racks for oversized footwear. Well, you know what they say about men with big feet.

105

When your bloke offers to cook you a meal, remember to provide him with all the necessaries…like a fire extinguisher and a direct line to the paramedics.

106

Take your man out to a restaurant…just so he can see what one looks like.

107

Don’t marry a man for his money… unless he’s got lots of it.

108

Dress to impress: Sorry, that should read ‘dress him’. He might be 30 but he still expects you to tie his shoe-laces, knot his tie and brush his hair.

109

Try not to alienate men when talking about certain subjects in front of them. Traditional bra sizes mean nothing to them, for example. They measure breasts by the handful.

110

Keep a diary of your triumphs and disasters with men, put on a few pounds, get a job as a publicist, and realise you’ve become Bridget Jones.

111

Learn a full and varied repertoire of sexual positions and techniques…and then save them for when your boyfriend is away.

112

It’s said that men want a cook in the kitchen, a cleaner in the house, and a whore in the bedroom. If you can’t afford all three, just buy him the whore.

113

Get a season ticket for your boyfriend to visit the local zoo. He will appreciate the opportunity to visit his family regularly.

114

When you lie in bed with your boyfriend farting and snoring next to you, remember to count your blessings. Well, perhaps just remember to count. It might help you sleep.

115

The man of your dreams will only appear in your life when you least expect him to and are least prepared…which can be unfortunate when he sees you wiping dog poo from your shoe as you return from a short Sunday morning trip to buy some shampoo and deodorant from your local shop in your pyjamas.

116

With some boyfriends, it’s best to buy them two tickets when they visit the local freak show: one to get in, and one to get out.

117

Try to avoid using the ‘c’ word in front of a man when on a date. Any mention of ‘commitment’ will send him scurrying back to his scummy bedsit faster than a rat.

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Remember that a man is similar to a dog in many ways: to keep him happy, you must feed him twice a day, let him slobber all over and, if he’s good, he can have an extra treat.

120

When walking past workmen on a building site, remember to wolf-whistle at their hairy bum cracks before they get the opportunity to wolf-whistle at yours.

121

If you have a problem with a lecherous boss who insists on feeling your bum every day, pour some gravel into your knickers. He’ll soon stop after he feels it crunching beneath his fingers.

122

On Valentine’s Day, test your man by sending him a card purporting to be from a woman he’s never spoken to. If he gets excited about it and tries to plan a liaison behind your back, then he’s passed the test: he’s not a closet gay.

123

Don’t pass instant judgment on a man when you first meet him: give him the opportunity to prove he’s a total arsehole before you confirm your original suspicions.

124

When you’ve been chatting to a man over a drink, and he offers to buy you a second one, don’t accept unless you’re sure you want the relationship to last that long.

125

Remember that every arrogant man who thinks he’s better than you is hiding a shrivelled dick in his pants that hasn’t enjoyed female company since it left his mother’s birth canal.

126

The subtleties of body language are very important to a woman: personal space, eye contact, curls of the mouth etc. You can forget all this when dealing with a man, however. There are only two aspects of body language a man will understand. Kick him in the nuts and he’ll think you’re a lesbian; put his hands on your breasts and he’ll think you’re not a lesbian. Either way he’ll think he’s scored.

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