Conquer the Fear of Death

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Conquer the fear of death

Nancy Williams

Epitome Books

About the Author Nancy Williams has been working in the field of human functioning and strategic life planning for over fifteen years. A Ph.D. in psychology from the University of Massachusetts, she is associated with many organizations of repute across the world. She lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota and runs a counseling center.

Conquer the fear of death

Nancy Williams

Epitome Books New Delhi

Copyright © Author All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, utilized, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher. The views expressed in this volume are those of the author and are not necessarily those of the publishers.

First published 2009 Published by

Epitome Books B-65 Mansaram Park Near Nawada Metro Station

New Delhi -110 059 Phone: 011-2537 1324 Fax: +91-11-2537 1323 Email: [email protected] Web: www.epitomebooks.com

Cataloging in Publication Data-DK Courtesy: D.K. Agencies (P) Ltd. [email protected]

Williams, Nancy. Conquer the fear of death / Nancy Williams.

p. cm. Articles on self-development.

ISBN: 978-81-906579-5-2 1. Self-culture. 2. Success. I. Title. DDC 158.1

22

Printed at Salasar lmaging Systems, Delhi - 35

Preface "What if the thing that you fear is not something that your imagination irrationally creates? How can you learn not to fear the inevitable and instead to embrace it and live life to the full?" Many youngsters have the opposite problem. That is, rather than fearing death, they believe they are invincible and will live 'forever.' This is a problem because they are not afraid to take unnecessary risks such as taking drugs, driving while intoxicated, and exposing themselves to sexually transmitted diseases. Also, many don't concern themselves with doing well at school and developing good habits that will bring success, such as self-discipline. I would like to express my sincere thanks to the publishers for their continued interest in bringing out this book. Nancy Williams

"This page is Intentionally Left Blank"

Contents Preface

v

1.

Inspiring Values of Unforgettable Teachers

1

2.

Working to be happy

3

3.

Take Yourself to the Top

5

4.

Gems of Life

7

5.

Education and Nature

9

6.

Optimists Hope for More and Aren't Thrown by Less

12

7.

Conflict at Work

17

8.

What Happens to you, Happens Because of you

21

9.

What Happens to you, Happens for you

25

10.

If You Don't Change your Mind, Your Mind Will Change You

29

11.

Conquer the Fear of Death

33

12.

The Secret To The Secret

39

13.

What is Life?

44

14.

Brokenhearted? Take Heart; You Will Not Die

48

15.

Navigate Your Way Like a Captain

52

16.

Achieve Greatness

56

17.

Acting Without Thinking

60

18.

Admiration of Others

64

19.

Effective Time Management

68

20.

Where Do You Go For Your Intellectual Feast

71

21.

Balanced and Motivated

74

22.

Fundamentals of Communication

79

23.

Implementing Total Quality Management

82

24.

Information Explosion: The Solution

87

25.

Solid Strategies =Solid Success

92

viii I Conquer the fear of death

26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41.

Awaken Your Inner Giant Breaking the Habit Tonight Challenge Your Failure Anger Management Tips Any Fool Can Criticize, And Most Fools Do Become a Life Coach Building Self Confidence Can't Sleep Control Fear Clarifying Your Core Values Dreams Can Come True Eye Contact Communication Searching for Happiness Finding Forgiveness Find the Purpose Life Opportunity Nowhere Vs Opportunity Now Here

42. Feeling Sad 43. Importance of Silence 44. Follow Your Dream 45. Formula for Success 46. Freedom to Choose 47. Generous People 48. Gentleness 49. Getting Along 50. Getting Mad 51. Getting Older 52. Giving to Needy 53. Rekindle the Flame of Hope

95 99 102 106 109 112 115 118 121 125 127 131 133 136 139 144 148 151 155 159 163 167 170 173 177 181 185 188

1 Inspiring Values of Unforgettable Teachers All of us recall special teachers-people who not only taught us but inspired us in ways that changed our lives. William Arthur Ward once said, "The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." Here are five life-changing values inspired by unforgettable teachers. The Teachers I Will Always Remember ... Taught the Value of Learning and Knowledge

They were enthusiastic about their subject. However, they gave more than knowledge. They showed how learning could enhance creativity, spark interests, and uncover talents. They instilled in students a curiosity to learn and an undying passion to keep learning. Taught the Value of Respect

They treated others with honor. They explained how kind words, and sometimes silence, could prevent hurtful confrontations and turn enemies into friends. They taught the value of respect for the community as well as the individual. Taught the Value of Integrity

They demonstrated empathy for those who were ill or suffering from personal loss. They would go the extra mile to offer

2 I Conquer the fear of death

support. Their ethics inspired students to live with courage and approach life with honesty, dignity, and self-worth. Taught the Value of Responsibility They taught that personal actions have consequences and that the individual must be accountable for his or her choices. They emphasized that when people think others are to blame for problems, that very thought is the real problem. They taught that each student was ultimately responsible for his or her learning and its impact on their future. Taught the Value of Perseverance They taught that education continues until our last breath. They told stories about the hard times they had faced, and how God had often turned difficulties into blessings. They refused to let students quit after repeated failures. They demonstrated that "Faith is the assurance of things not yet seen." Not all of these teachers taught in formal classrooms. Nor did they all have a formal education. Some of them are still teaching, and the education they provide is priceless. I believe that the greatest gifts we can give our children are the same kind of values these teachers demonstrate. Then our children can also become unforgettable teachers, sharing values that will inspire happiness and faith for future generations.

2 Working to be happy Why is it that we make life so difficult for ourselves? So many of us get 'trapped' in jobs we don't even like. It becomes a habit -we while away years of our lives giving eight hours a day to something we couldn't give a toss about and can't seem to organise ourselves to just leave. Why is it easier to get trapped in a 'comfortable hell' with a boring soul destroying occupation than to reassess ourselves and our goals and go after what we really want? Why do we always feel it's a case of 'better the devil you know'? Obviously, I'm not promoting a mass walk-out of the working population, but I'd like to ask you to stop and take a look around you. Are you happy? Or are you slowly killing off brain cells doing a monotonous job just to pay the bills? I've been asking myself these questions quite a lot over the last few days. My job has a lot of pluses--pension plans, good holidays,etc.---but it bores me to tears. I want to train and do something else, something I care about. To me,life is too short to get bogged down in something you don't care about in long terms. It's a case of choosing a vocation, or a job, a job or something you honestly care about and want to succeed in. I've always been jealous of people who know exactly what they want and see how to get there, without wasting time going down the wrong avenues.


Personally, I've done a stint in quite a few jobs. I've started courses, and still walked away feeling like I haven't found my niche. When I was considering doing my A-levels, I was asked, seriously, "Have you considered taking science?" I replied: "But sir, I got an FF in my mocks!" Is career advice handed out randomly, with no regard to which pupil is actually in front of you? Is it a case of grabbing a cue card from a pile and reading the statement aloud? Career advice is an aspect that is sadly lacking in our schools, and one that the government should be paying more attention to. When you're 16, it's hard to imagine how you'll be spending the rest of your life. It's hard to imagine further down the line than where you'll be going that weekend, or who in the first 15 you've decided to admire that week. That's why, it's so important to receive proper guidance at the appropriate time. So many people only realise what they want to do after they've left school. I think it's great that people of any age can stop and decide to retrain. It's never an easy decision. Without sounding like a dodgy self-help book, it's about taking control of your own life, recognising that you have choices you can make at any age and doing your utmost to be happy.

3 Take Yourself to the Top Everybody wants to get to the top, whether it is the top of a career, a company, the earnings scale, or the many other ways that we as individuals can define the "top" in our own lives! But with so many people trying to get to the top, how come so many people aren't moving up? I think there are some fundamental reasons of why. Reasons that can be addressed and changed! What are some things you can do to get to the top? Here are some thoughts for you this week! First of all, define what the "top" means for you. This is extremely important because if you don't know where you are going, you will never get there! Some people don't want to be the CEO of the company. In fact, many think they are better off than the CEO even though they don't make as much money. Instead, they think they are at the top because of less stress, weekends with their families, etc, and I see their point. It doesn't matter what others think is the top, only what you do, since you are only gauging whether or not YOU get there! So where is it for you? That is the first question for you to answer. Be passionate about your goal. Passion is the energy that drives us, or, as Alexander Pope said, passions are the "gales of life." Passion is the wind in the sales of work. Find something you love and you will find something you can get to the top of. If you don't love it, you may still make it to the top, though highly unlikely. And even if you do, there will be no joy. Let your passion carry you,


because it will carry you far! Thomas Fuller puts it this way: A man with passion rides a horse that runs away with him. The will to continue in the face of hardship. Another reason most will not get to the top is because they simply refuse to scale the mountains of hardship that separate them from the top. If you want to get to the beautiful view from the top, you will have to climb over any obstacles. Instead, many choose to stay at base camp! One would think that Bjom Borg, one of the greatest tennis players to ever live, would consider his skill his greatest asset. Instead, this is what he says, "My greatest point is my persistence. I never give up in a match. However down I am, I fight until the last ball. My list of matches shows that I have turned a great many so-called irretrievable defeats into victories." Continue until you get to the top! Love people and treat them right. What? Love people? That's right! Why? Because if you are going to get to the top, you are going to need other people. Be a jerk and you will find people dragging their feet on you. Treat them right and you will find them helping you and even cheering you on! Master the appropriate skills. Average skills will get you to the middle. Top skills will get you to the TOP! This is most assuredly true when combined with the points above. Are you achieving excellence in the skills you need? Are you growing day by day, month by month, year by year? You can always get better and getting better will take you closer to the top! Even if you only improve a little, you can keep improving that small amount and it will eventually become a big amount! Demand the best from yourself and you will get to the top. Remember the words of Jose Ortega Y Gasset: "We distinguish the excellent man from the common man by saying that the former is the one who makes great demands on himself, and the latter who makes no demands on himself."

4 Gems of Life "Imagine Life as a game in which you are juggling some FIVE balls in the air. You name them---WORK, FAMILY, HEALTH, FRIENDS and SPIRIT and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that: WORK is a Rubber Ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other Four balls---Family, Health, Friends and Spirit ---. ARE MADE OF GLASS if you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, Marked, Nicked, Damaged or even SHATTERED. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE." How? Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special. Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you. Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as they would your life, for without them, Life is Meaningless. Don't let your Life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live, all the days of your life. Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us to each together.


Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave. Don't shut LOVE out of your Life by saying it's impossible to find time. The quickest way to RECEIVE LOVE is to GIVE, the fastest way to LOSE LOVE is to HOLD it too TIGHTLY, and the BEST way to KEEP LOVE is to give it WINGS. Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going. Don't forget, a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily. Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured each step of the way. Yesterday is HISTORY, Tomorrow is a MYSTERY and Today is a GIFT, that's why we call it THE PRESENT.

5 Education and Nature Education should lead us to humility. In turn, it will equip us with all the eligibility. Eligibility provides us with necessary material wealth and enables us to do some charitable deeds. Charity makes us happy and reveals to us the truth that education does not mean only giving meaning to the words. Our education is not measured by how many degrees or diplomas we hold or how many exams we pass. It has to be valued not as a means of earning one's livelihood, but as the essential requisite for a happy, Peaceful and Progressive Life. Abraham Lincoln is an excellent example for us to know how education could make a person humble and great, bright like a polished gem. A very nice story about Abraham Lincoln to share with you my friends. Abraham Lincoln was the President of the United States when the country was facing one of the most crucial civil wars. The situation was so serious that the President himself proceeded to personally direct the stalled Peninsular Campaign. George Pickett, who had known Lincoln in Illinois, years before, joined the Southern army, and by his conspicuous bravery and ability had become one of the great Generals of the Confederacy. Toward the close of the war, when a large part of Virginia had fallen into the possession of the Union army, the President lost his temper and became very angry with General


Pickett. One day Lincoln himself called at General Pickett's Virginia home. The General's wife, with her baby in her arms, met him at the door. 'Is this George Pickett's home?' asked the President. The General's wife could not believe herself that Abraham Lincoln was standing in front of her. She had never seen him, but she knew the intense love and reverence with which her husband always spoke of Lincoln. With all the courage and dignity she could muster, she replied in a shivering voice; 'Yes, and I am his wife, and this is his baby.' He replied; 'I am Abraham Lincoln.' 'The President!' she gasped. Lincoln shook his head and replied; 'No, Abraham Lincoln, George's old friend.' "The baby pushed away from his Mom and reached out his hands to Lincoln, who took him in his arms. As he did so, an expression of rapt, almost divine tenderness and love lighted up the sad face of Lincoln. It was a look that the General's wife had never seen on any other face of his position. The baby opened his mouth wide and insisted upon giving his Dad's friend a dewy kiss. Lincoln forgot the fact that he came there to warn the General. While giving the little one back to her, he spoke to the little kid. 'Tell your Dad, the Stupid, that! I forgive him for the sake of your bright eyes." Whatever we learn through education and also from our lives have to be practiced and used for the welfare of the society. It is so true that the wealth of one's education makes his/her heart softer and his/her character more cute. Every letter in education conveys a message for us; "E" for Enlightment, "0" for Duty and Devotion, "U" for Understanding,"C" for Character

Education and Nature I 11

"A" for Action "T" for Thanking "I" for Integrity "0" for Oneness "N" for Nobility It is so true that education without character, politics without principles and commerce without morality will not last long. Let us all use the brightness of knowledge to make our heart a lotus, unfolding its petals when the sun rises in the sky, unaffected by the slush where it is born or even the water which sustains it.

6 Optimists Hope for More and Aren't Thrown by Less These are changing and challenging times. Life is difficult and setbacks are common in the great game of business and in life. Every person has a choice about the attitude they bring to their day and the actions they make. Those who will prosper must develop flexible optimism, resourcefulness, and persistence in the face of adversity and constant change. Unfortunately, far too many are falling victim to the depression of our age, learned helplessness- "Nothing I can do is going to make any difference in what happens to me, so why try?" By controlling your attitudes and habits you too can alter your life and influence others you live and work with. Here are fifteen practical tips to claim your own optimism advantage in bouncing back from any setback or disaster. 1.

Nurture perspective and an appreciation for the healing power of time. One of Abraham Lincoln's favorite quotes was: "This too shall pass." Because we tend to think that our reactions to bad events will never fade, we also tend to feel especially good when we recover from trauma with unexpected speed. Don't underestimate your own powers of recuperation from emotional trauma. None of us will ever forget the horror of September 11 or Hurricane Katrina, but we now look back with a calmer perspective only time can provide.

Optimists Hope for More and Aren't Thrown by Less I 13

2.

Dispute catastrophic thoughts by checking fears against the facts. Optimism can be learned. Recognize that people often have catastrophic thoughts-feelings that everything is wrong and that nothing is going to change. Think of these thoughts as if they are being said by some external enemy whose mission in life is to make you miserable. Then dispute those thoughts. Try using cold, impersonal facts to maintain a reality-based perspective. If you struggle with the fear of flying, you note that the National Safety Council reports that you're 37 times more likely to die, mile for mile, in a vehicle crash than on a commercial airline.

3.

Avoid victim thinking and seize the day as a survivor. As long as you are alive, you always have options. Survivors make the best of the options they have, while victims whine about how few they have. There is never nothing you can do, the only question is whether a given action will work and if committed action is worth the investment of the time required to achieve the desired results. Survivors keep making choices one day at a time.

4.

Control what you can-position, perform and persist. Security is not a fact; it is a feeling-a feeling that you can control what you do. You don't control all events that happen, but you do control your response to events. You don't control the cards you are dealt in life, but you can learn how to play even a poor hand well. Appreciate the words of Reinhold Niebuhr: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Get busy changing what you can-starting with your own attitude.

5.

Move from analysis paralysis into action. Cultivate a continual sense of adventure that searches for and takes advantage of every opportunity. Failure to act doesn't prevent failure it just turns life into slow death. As Yogi Berra would say, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."


6.

Master the strategic skills you need to invent the future. The age of lifelong employment is over. You become an old dog when you stop doing new and improved tricks. Invest 5 per cent of your time in education to stay a recyclable asset. If you hate your job, raise that to lOper cent. Search for what you enjoy and have the gifts to do. Bouncing back with optimism is easier when you have a job that gives you passion, fulfillment, and energy.

7.

Manage your motivation by catching yourself being effective. You are probably tougher on yourself than on any other person. Instead of taking yourself for granted, love yourself the way you love others, you care about. If you are not catching yourself being effective, you may be winning and not know it because you're not keeping score. Ask yourself daily, "What did I do today that made a difference?" Use your calendar to write down one success every day.

8.

See mistakes as valued lessons on the way to success. Life is like a moving vehicle with no brakes; if you spend too much time in the rearview mirror, you may hit a tree out the front window. Keep your rearview mirror smaller than your front window by using self-criticism as course correction feedback on the road to success. Identify what was done wrong, but put your focus on the future: What are you going to do to rectify the problem? How will you handle it next time?

9.

Persevere in reframing difficulties and downturns into strategic opportunities. Flexible optimists persevere even in the presence of obstacles and negative outcomes. They perceive failures as temporary setbacks, rather than final verdicts. What you think when things go wrong determines whether you give up or whether you get busy overcoming the problem. Victors say to themselves, "I'm going to figure

Optimists Hope for More and Aren't Thrown by Less I 15

out how to become successful one way or another." Victims say, ''I'll never be able to succeed." 10. Build an expectation of success through persistent hard work and invest your worry time in constructive action. Hunt for the silver lining. A crisis can be a time to reinvent a business, to cut costs that are not adding value, and to reinforce and strengthen customer ties. 11. Relationships are critical in times of crisis. Learn to accept support from others; you don't have to go it alone. The tragedy of life is that the people you most want to spend time with you have to schedule time to even see. The people you least want to be with will find you wherever you are. Spend time with other optimistic and resourceful friends. Mark Twain said it well: "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." The company you keep can bring you up or bring you down. Pick your friends and associates wisely. 12. Balance working and living smart by making time for your family. Research shows that time spent with supportive families, friends and faith communities can help people find strength and comfort. People look at their priorities differently after a personal crisis. Make dates and buy a few tickets! When you've paid for theatre tickets or a sporting event, you find a way to get everything done so that you can go, no matter what work demands appear. In fact, have tickets every day and be willing to give them up only when unexpected job or life demands require it. 13. To maintain a positive attitude, take your health habits seriously in difficult times. Eat right, exercise, get plenty of sleep, and include daily stress breaks in your day. Maintaining your health habits can do wonders to help you sustain your optimism and manage your increased stress levels.


14. Find the power of purpose and serving others. Friedrich Nietzsche once said, liThe one who has a why to live can bear with almost any how." There is passion in being fully engaged in a meaningful mission and in doing your share of random acts of kindness. You make a difference for yourself when you make a difference for others. Faith, values and integrity are back in. People of faith tend not live in fear, but find peace in faith. Core values help direct your choices. They are both your anchor in the rough sea and the lighthouse that helps illuminate a positive and principled course in uncertain times. Honor is a gift you give yourself. 15. Use your sense of humor to regain perspective. Don't go through your life with your face in "park ". Humor provides perspective that breaks the stress cycle and invites a more positive attitude. If you know that some day you will laugh at a problem, don't wait-laugh as quickly as you can! Take your job and life seriously, but yourself lightly. Never forget that some days you're the bug, and some days you're the windshield. That's a perspective worth remembering in these challenging times. Finally, experience the power of gratitude. Unrealistic expectations are a sure road to disappointment. Optimists hope for more, but are not thrown by less. Start counting your blessings instead of your problems. Choose to be happy unless something happens to change that feeling, instead of being unhappy until something makes you happy. End the day by identifying five things for which you are grateful.

7 Conflict at Work We rely on and spend more time with our colleagues than with most other people in our lives: yet we frequently experience conflict at work. This is a problem that is beginning to be recognised, but it is still not being dealt with either effectively or sufficiently. Conflict is such a broad term for what can be experienced, ranging from office gossip to outright being physically aggressive. In nearly every single office, there are always going to be personality clashes at some point, and most of the time they will be fairly easily sorted out. However, sometimes they aren't and there is often no other option than to resign. The real problem underlying this situation is that people really don't have the skills to deal with these kinds of situations. They frequently accept the problem when it is happening and then get really upset afterwards. Friends, There are Five Strategies for Dealing with Conflict 1.

Avoidance also can be known as Ignoring (I Lose I You Lose): This is the most frequently used strategy along with accommodation. Here conflict is avoided and when it does appear the person using this strategy refuses to engage in the situation.

Example: Someone making a sly comment and the person it was aimed at simply walking away. While this obviously is not a good way of dealing with conflict, the majority of the time as it


tends not to help, it is worth being considered as a strategy for when the conflict is just not worth the effort of being addressed. 2.

Accommodation also can be known as Looking Good (I LoselYou Win): Here you take the conflict and submit. Example: Listening to unhelpful criticism and believing it. Again, very frequently used especially where there is low confidence and self-esteem. This is another not very successful method of dealing with conflict, but it will do if you know that there is a solution coming soon.

3.

Compete (I WinIYou Lose): This one means that you play the person at his or her own game and work hard to get your own way in the conflict. Example: Someone starts spreading rumors about you, so you do the same in return in an attempt to discredit the power of the other person's word. This can be very useful when the conflict is mild and you are passionate about your stance, but can lead to a vicious circle as the conflict escalates. Be very sure you want to use this strategy as lowering yourself to someone else's level rarely shows you in the best light.

4.

Compromise (Illusion of I Win I You Win but not in real sense, its more of an adjustment from both the sides .... but the pinch is still there): A much more useful tactic to use: here you don't give in to the conflict, but work out a solution somewhere between the two sides.

Example: Someone delegates a huge amount of work to your already over-filled plate, you respond by taking on some of it, and then recommending that this person parcels out the rest to other people. This is the strategy of choice for most untrained managers as this is how we frequently deal with children in real life - and so it is a behavior we all know about. This can of course lead to the obvious downfall of the actual solution leaving none of the sides happy. This is best to use when the goal is to get past the issue and move on--- with the issue having relatively little significance.

Conflict at Work I 19

5.

Collaborate (Actually I WinIYou Win) (You start working on Alternative Options): The most useful tactics, particularly with extremes of conflict such as bullying. The aim here is to focus on working together to arrive at a solution, where both sides have ownership of and commitment to the solution.

Example 1: You and someone else are at completely opposed viewpoints over a project. You sit down with them and work out why they believe in their point of view, and explain your own. Clever and lateral thinking can provide a solution, which answers both sides, but is not a compromise. Example 2: Someone is bullying you at work. You talk to this person and collaborate on modifying their behaviour. Use this strategy when the goal is to meet as many of the current needs as is possible. The most difficult strategy if confidence is low as it involves actually naming the issue to the conflict-creator, which can cause huge anxiety and fear. To collaborate successfully on an issue such as continuing conflict you need to follow a few basic guidelines. You must recognise that part of the problem is your own fault: you allowed it to happen and did not try to address it to begin with. You can use this aloud and actively take part of the responsibility, as this will put the onus onto the other person to take the other part of the responsibility. Remember that we frequently don't like in others what we don't want to see in ourselves, but find occasionally anyway. Be very sure that you have not committed the same conflict and that you do not in the future. Manage yourself during the resolution attempt --- learn calming strategies if you are hot-tempered, or confidence boosters if you are shy. Do not to be emotional, as emotion will only make things escalate. Maintain eye contact and use your body language to convey your belief in what you are saying. Don't fiddle with something


nervously, don't cross your arms protectively, and don't put yourself on a lower level than the other person (such as sitting on a lower chair). Don't believe that the best defence is a good offence, that is part of the competing strategy. Work the issue, not the person: this means addressing the behavior rather than the entire existence of that person. There is a different level of ownership for behaviors, and people will take less offence if you criticise their behavior than if you criticise them personally. Never lay blame, as this will only fan the fires. If you are not getting anywhere, ask for further information from the other person about the reasons for their behavior, but don't ask the questions with 'why' at the beginning --- if you do, this will actively put the other person under the spotlight and they will get defensive. Remember, above all, that people who enjoy creating conflict are ultimately power-seekers who enjoy controlling others. Frequently, this is because either they have suffered in a similar way before or feel that they have very little control over their own lives and does anything theys can to feel in control. A little compassion will take you a long way both in resolving the situation and in putting it behind you when it is resolved. One of the most important strategies for collaboration is to start "Listening First".

8 What Happens to You, Happens Because of You Tom can't seem to get ahead in life. He believes he has bad luck. For example, he was unhappy at work because there was too much office politics going on. So, he moved to another company only to find the same problem. Fed up, he moved on to a third company, and - you guessed it - there was more of the same. "Why am I so unlucky?" he wondered. "Everywhere I go, there are nasty people!" "Why can't I find a job where there are some people that I can get along with?" he asked himself. But no matter where he looked, Tom never did find friendly people to work with. He looked everywhere ... except within. Sandra also had a string of 'bad luck.' She, too, found it hard to make friends. Moreover, she was always in debt. Her credit card bill was soaring; yet, she couldn't stop shopping. Add to this her growing weight problem, and you'll easily understand her frustration. Two months ago, her company hired a motivational speaker who spoke at the company picnic. Sandra was all pumped up. The speaker spoke about our unlimited potential and the great things we can do once we stop making excuses and start accepting responsibility for our own happiness. Moved to the point of tears, Sandra promised herself to change and realize her full potential. Despite her good intentions, however, her problems remain. In fact, they're worse than ever.


What went wrong? Tom and Sandra are not unusual. You see, the average persons only achieve a small fraction of their potential. What is the impenetrable wall that blocks so many, making progress impossible? That wall or barrier is our programming. Some of us were programmed to succeed, others to fail or just get by. We were programmed by our parents, relatives, teachers, friends, the media, and everyone we met. At an early age, we were told what we could not do, rather than what we could do. We were told what our weaknesses were, rather than our strengths. And we were taught that life is a struggle, rather than an exciting adventure. Is it any wonder that so few achieve great success? The training we get in childhood is called programming because our brain is like a computer, automatically carrying out the instructions that are fed into it. The part of the brain that automatically carries out all the instructions it receives is called the subconscious. The PROGRAMMING we receive (the statements others make to us), creates our BELIEFS. Therefore, we come to believe that life is fair or unfair, people are trustworthy or not to be trusted, we are victors or victims, life is sorrowful or joyful. The beliefs we have, which are established in childhood, then form our ATTITUDE. Our beliefs color how we see the world. From the perspective of some, the world is hospitable, from the minds et of others, it is hostile. Our attitude (perspective or mindset) causes our FEELINGS. For example, those of us who find life exciting feel happy while, those who believe life is unfair feel angry. Our feelings provide the motive and fuel for our BEHAVIOR or actions. For instance, angry people lash out at others while happy people encourage others. Now we come to the most important link in the chain. Mainly, our behavior,

What Happens to You, Happens Because of You I 23

which causes WHAT HAPPENS TO US. That is, what happens to you is not caused by fate or accident, but caused by your behavior. In other words, what happens to you, happens BECAUSE OF you. Suppose, I am an angry person who insults someone who then punches me, what happens to me (being punched) is not an accident or fate, but a direct result of my action (insult). Don't you agree? So, Tom, who I spoke about in the first paragraph, cannot get along with others, not because of what happens to him in the workplace, but because of his programming. Perhaps, he was taught to avoid strangers, that people can't be trusted and pose a risk.

If this is what he was taught and believed, he would treat coworkers with suspicion and avoid making friends. His behavior, then, would cause others to shun him. It isn't the world that is against Tom, but it is Tom who is against the world. But because his programming, beliefs and attitude all reside in his subconscious, Tom is not consciously aware of the causes of his behavior. Nor does he understand how he alienates others. Instead, he mistakenly accuses them of disliking him. What about Sandra? Why would she fail despite making her best effort? Again, it is her programming. She may have been programmed to believe she was a bad child. So, she may have a subconscious need to punish herself (for being 'bad'). Or it may be a case of believing that she doesn't deserve success. Again, she may have been repeatedly told "she would never amount to much." If so, her subconscious would accept that statement as a command and do everything in its power to make sure Sandra never succeeds, even if it means engaging in self-sabotage or selfdefeating behavior. Wanting to change on the conscious level is not enough. For if our subconscious remains programmed for failure, we will fail.


The only way out of this dilemma is to change our programming. So, how do we do that? Well, there is an easy way and a better way. The easy way is to use CD or tape programs that were specifically designed by psychologists to reprogram the subconscious. Such programs are easy to use because there is nothing to study. Another advantage is you can use them without taking a moment from your busy schedule. How do you do that? Play them while you sleep! But there are disadvantages to CD's and tapes as well. For one, they can be costly. Also, since we all have been raised differently and have unique programming to overcome, CD's and tapes bought off the shelves may not be specific enough to reprogram ourselves perfectly. I'm sure they'll do some good, but it's unlikely they can form a perfect match with our specific needs. Finally, using CD's and tapes make us dependent on others, while our goal should be for complete independence or self- reliance. Well, then, what is the better way? The better way is to reprogram your subconscious yourself. Of course, you'll need some help to do so, but help is readily available and it comes cheap.

9 What Happens to You, Happens for You Three women work in the same department. They are 24-yearold Rose, her 27-year-old friend, Elaine, and a relative newcomer, Elizabeth. Rose writes, "I tried to become friends with Elizabeth, but over time found her to be rude, moody, untrustworthy, and a gossip, who talks behind the backs of others. So, I stopped hanging out with her. But Elaine continues to treat Elizabeth as a friend. This troubles me. I'm not saying Elaine should stop seeing Elizabeth because of the way I feel, but I can't understand what she sees in Elizabeth. I'm confused and disappointed. Any ideas?" An interesting thing about life is that it is impossible to criticize others without being guilty of the same thing. For instance, Rose is critical of Elizabeth because Elizabeth speaks about others behind their backs. Yet, in her email to me, Rose is speaking about Elizabeth, behind her back. Isn't Rose doing the same thing? I'm not condemning Rose because most of us, including myself, are equally guilty of doing the same thing or something similar. Once we understand this, however, we grow more accepting and it becomes more difficult to criticize others. This may explain why Elaine is able to treat Elizabeth as a friend.


One of the ways we hurt ourselves is to have unrealistic expectations. That is, we see things as we want them to be, rather than as they are. For example, expecting others to think and act as we do is unrealistic, for we are all unique and have different views of the world. In fact, we can't share facts. All we can share is our perception of the facts. In Rose's view, it is stupid to associate with 'bad' people, so she is hurt when Elaine befriends Elizabeth. But in Elaine's view, it is smart to get along with your co-workers. After all, you are all members of the same team and will need the cooperation of all to be successful. From time to time we, should stop and examine our mindset (perspective, world view, attitude), and ask ourselves, "Is my mindset helpful or hurtful? Does it empower me or weaken me? Do I need to shift or expand my perspective?" Here's what I mean. Some people see the world as hostile and threatening, others as friendly and hospitable. Which of the two views is more helpful? Rose's 'problem' is a wonderful opportunity to expand her mindset. Rather than recoil at Elaine's different way of thinking, she could embrace it. Consider these words of Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), "The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently." In other words, we should respect those who think differently, for they are the only ones we can learn from. Whatever happens TO us, happens FOR us. Our 'problems' are no more than tools to strengthen and improve us. Our goal, then, should be to GROW through them, not to GO through them. Instead of wishing that Elaine would become more like her, why doesn't Rose consider becoming more like Elaine? Look at the many benefits Rose would reap by befriending Elizabeth: Rose would experience growth in personal power, become stronger by doing what makes her uncomfortable, develop her character by becoming better instead of bitter, grow in acceptance, understanding, patience, and compassion;

What Happens to You, Happens for You I 27

discover that as she changed for the better, the world would start treating her better; experience the exhilaration of making positive changes, grow in self-esteem, and become closer to Elaine because she would be more like her. Yes, when viewed properly, we will realize that "Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you." (Mike Murdock) Another way Elaine can expand her mindset is by thinking about what Anthony Robbins said, "Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take." Besides, we have to improve ourselves before we can improve our relationships. Sometimes, we let our imagination run wild with negative thoughts of "what if?" For example, what if Elizabeth corrupts Elaine and turns her against me? This line of reasoning creates fear and hostility. All it does is widen the separation that already exists. Why not use the power of our imagination by posing positive questions of "what if?" For instance, what if Elaine softens the heart of Elizabeth and makes her easier to get along with? What if I'm kind to Elizabeth, isn't it possible that she will feel less threatened and open up? What if Elizabeth is not nasty, but wounded? That is, what if she acts as she does because she was betrayed in the past and has lost faith in most people? Although he was originally speaking about marriage, his words apply equally well to friendship, so I changed the words of Richard L. Evans (1906 -- 1971) slightly (changing "marriage" to "friendship"), "All things need watching, working at, caring for and friendship is no exception. Friendship is not something to be treated indifferently, or abused or something that simply takes care of itself. Nothing neglected will remain as it was or is, or will fail to deteriorate.


All things need attention, care and concern, and especially so in this most sensitive of all relationships of life." True friendship is unconditional. There are no rules, such as, "If you are to be my friend, you must behave in a certain way." When we set conditions, we are not building a friendship, but taking a hostage. Rather than becoming a hostage taker, become a hero. Become big enough to rescue those in need, big enough to lift and inspire them. Awaken to your magnificent capacity ~o do good. Don't leave enemies, leave a legacy. It all starts with you. Consider these words of the former President, CEO and Director of Luminent, Dr. William R. Spivey: liNo one is an island, everyone needs to be wanted. To be wanted, you must be known; To be known, you must build relationships; To build relationships, you must communicate; To communicate, you must have something to say; To have something to say, you must have a plan; To have a plan, you must know where you are going; To know where you are going, you must know where you are; To know where you are, you must know who you are; To know who you are is the beginning."

No one can hurt you because you are in control of how you interpret and respond to circumstances. It is your thoughts and actions that make you feel the way you do. If you don't like the way you feel, you can change your thoughts and behavior. Most of us are already carrying too much emotional baggage, so why add to our burden by carrying a chip on our shoulder? Remember, as Todd Ruthman wrote, "It is the things in common that make relationships enjoyable, but it is the little differences that make them interesting."

10 If You Don't Change Your Mind,

Your Mind Will Change You Many people are not entirely happy with their lives, and they have felt that way for many years. Most realize that if they want things to change, they will first have to change themselves. But if that is so, why don't they change? Well, some don't want to. Others don't try to change because of a false belief. And those who do try, often give up too soon. Those who would like to change, but don't even try usually have one of the five false beliefs that follow. If you wish to get the most from life, make sure you don't subscribe to anyone of these myths. FALSE BELIEFS

1.

Before you can change, you have to understand the cause of your behavior.

This is not true. It doesn't matter what caused you to become the way you are. You are always free to change. As long as you decide to change, commit to change, and persistently practice, you will be able to modify your behavior. 2. It takes too long to change, especially if the habit is deeply entrenched. False. It doesn't have to take time to change. Even life long habits can be broken in an instant. A smoker who quits cold turkey is proof of this. Even if you don't experience

30 I Conque r the fear of death

. instantaneous change, you can improve far faster than you imagine. Don't underestimate the great power you have. 3. If you change too quickly, it won't last. Not true. Prove this for yourself. Reflect deeply on your life. You will be able to recall many changes you have made quickly, some big and some small, yet those changes have remained permanent. 4.

I can't change because this is the way I am; it is my nature.

Not so. It is your nature to do what you repeat over and over again. In other words, it is your nature to act out of habit. Change your habits and you will change the way you are. 5. I am too young or too old to change. Nonsense. We have the ability to change at any age. I'm 70 and continue to change daily, and expect to continue doing so. Remember, we live in the world's largest room: the room for improvement. Make it a rule to be better today than you were yesterday, and better tomorrow than you are today. THE PROCESS OF CHANGE Some people claim to be suffering and say they want to change. Yet, their actions suggest otherwise. Why would someone who is unhapp y refuse to change? Well, they may not want to give up their misery because it is a tool they use to win sympathy, manipulate others, or play the role of a martyr. So, those who are thinking of change should begin by asking themselves, "Do I really want to change?" Wanting to change is the first step. The second step is accepting responsibility. We are responsible for our happiness. Not our parents, friends, coworkers, neighbors, doctor, government, religion or God. Accepting responsibility means we stop blaming the world for our suffering. It means we stop looking for excuses and start

If You Don't Change Your Mind, Your Mind Will Change You I 31

looking for solutions. Sidney Madwed explains, "Every man is the architect of his own life. He builds it just the way he wants it. However, after he has built what he wants, he sometimes decides that he doesn't like what he has built and looks for someone or something to blame instead of changing himself."

If we are unhappy, it is because we are doing something wrong. Nothing will change until we do. That is, we have to change our thoughts, beliefs and view. The fact is, it is not what happens to us that causes our unhappiness, rather it is our negative interpretation of the events. Until we grasp this point, we will be unable to move forward. To improve, we have to be able to say, "It is not what happens to me that causes my suffering, but how I react, fight against, and struggle with what happens." Here's how Samuel Johnson (1709 -- 1784) expressed the same thought, "He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts." Many people, despite a sincere attempt to change, give up trying to and return to their old ways. The main reason for this is they expect too much too soon. They expect to see changes overnight. And when they don't, they give up. To avoid making the same mistake, carefully monitor and record your thoughts, feelings, behavior and results of your actions. Look for changes in intensity, duration and frequency. Here's what I mean. Let's say Laura can't sleep at night, picks fights with her neighbors, and bites her nails. She monitors her thoughts and tries to improve. At the end of the month, she finds that although she still fights with her neighbors and bites her nails, she is sleeping at night. That is a change in the INTENSITY of the problem. She has made progress. As long as she is aware of the progress, it will motivate her to continue. But


if she focuses on the problems that remain, rather than the one she overcame, she may mistakenly believe she is a failure and give up the program.

Another example. Perhaps Laura has negative thoughts 16 hours a day. After sincere attempts to improve, she brings it down to 10 hours a day. This is an improvement in DURATION. She has made progress. Again, if she focuses on the fact that she still has negative thoughts, she may believe she failed and give up. But if she focuses on the fact that she has reduced her negative thinking by six hours a day, she will have much to celebrate and it inspire her to further reduce it. Still another example. Laura feels depressed most of the time. Once she monitors herself, she discovers she feels depressed every other day. She now ardently tries to focus on what's right with her instead of what's wrong with her; she looks for the good, instead of the bad; she seeks solutions instead of excuses; she finds things to be grateful for instead of complaining. After a month, she finds she is still depressed "most of the time," but because of the records she kept, she knows she is now depressed every third day, instead of every other day. This is an improvement in FREQUENCY. SO, if we fail to note our improvements in intensity, duration and frequency, we may wrongly believe we are not making progress and give up.

11 Conquer the Fear of Death The Death Of The Fear Of Death A 17-year old reader has recently been diagnosed with depression and oeD and is being treated for them. She is obsessed with the fear of death, so much so that she is uncomfortable around the elderly or anyone who brings up the subject of death or the brevity of life. She writes: "What if the thing that you fear is not something that your imagination irrationally creates? How can you learn not to fear the inevitable and instead to embrace it and live life to the full?" Many youngsters have the opposite problem. That is, rather than fearing death, they believe they are invincible and will live 'forever.' This is a problem because they are not afraid to take unnecessary risks such as taking drugs, driving while intoxicated, and exposing themselves to sexually transmitted diseases. Also, many don't concern themselves with doing well at school and developing good habits that will bring success, such as self-discipline. The good news for our reader is she doesn't have any of those problems. On the contrary, she is already on the path to success. So, once she overcomes her fear of death, she'll be poised to enjoy life fully, which may then dissipate her depression and

OCD.


The secret to enjoying life is to realize it is a great adventure. Missing this simple point can have disastrous effects. For example, imagine you and a stranger are strappe d into a roller coaster. The stranger was plucked out of a primitive society and knows nothing about moder n life. After the ride, how will his experience differ from yours? In his eyes, the ride was a devilish form of torture. During the entire ride he was bewildered and in fear. And you? You enjoyed every thrilling moment! Can you see how the failure to unders tand the nature of a roller coaster prevented the primitive native from enjoying the ride? It is no different with life. Those who have yet to learn that life is an adventure mistakenly believe they are victims of circumstances, condemned to a life of suffering. Our reader's state of mind is similar to that of the primitive man in the roller coaster. She was placed into the roller coaster of life after being taken from the primitive land called YOUTH. Since the subject is fear, let me define it. Fear is nothing more than the expectation that something bad will happen. The opposite of fear, by the way, is not courage, but the expectation that something good will happen. In other words, the opposite of fear is FAITH (trust in the future). To unders tand our fears, it helps probe into them more deeply. For example, what do we really mean by "the fear of death"? It simply means that one who fears death believes it is synonymous with the extinction or annihilation of the self. In other words, once we die - poof! - we no longer exist; we're gone forever. Our young reader understands there are rational and irrational fears. But what about her fear? Which is it, rational or irrational? Well, to her it's rational. Here is her line of thinking.

Conquer the Fear of Death I 35

"I'm afraid of extinction. I will die and disappear forever. Therefore, my fear is rational." Well, her fear is rational only if her assumption that death is synonymous with extinction is correct. Here are three reasons to question that assumption. 1.

Near Death Experiences (NDE). For example, after a series of eight heart attacks and a clinical death in 1964, Peter Sellers had the following experience: "Well, I felt myself leave my body. I just floated out of my physical form and I saw them cart my body away to the hospital. I went with it ... I wasn't frightened or anything like that because I was fine; and it was my body that was in trouble. I looked around myself and I saw an incredibly beautiful bright loving white light above me. I wanted to go to that white light more than anything. I've never wanted anything more. I know there was love, real love, on the other side of the light which was attracting me so much. It was kind and loving and I remember thinking That's God. Then I saw a hand reach through the light. I tried to touch it, to grab onto it, to clasp it so it could sweep me up and pull me through it. But the hand's voice said, 'It's not time. Go back and finish. It's not time.'"

(Doctors massaged his heart and revived him.) There are thousands of such cases reported by respected experts and eminent institutions. So, we certainly have a reason to question whether death is the end of personal existence. Interestingly, none of those who had a NDE was afraid or wanted to return. 2.

Many brilliant thinkers, including philosophers, mystics, poets and scientists believe in eternal life. It doesn't make sense to dismiss their conclusions without further investigation.

At the very least, it opens up the possibility that our assumption that death is the end of our existence may be


incorrect. One recent book worthy of mention is THE LANGUAGE OF GOD, A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief by Francis S. Collins., Director of the National Human Genome Research Institute. The book is published by Free Press, 2006. 3.

The more we study life, the more we will awaken to the possibility, probability, or indeed likelihood of life after life. To help our reader in this regard, I am assigning her some homework: Read THE SEVEN MYSTERIES OF LIFE: An Exploration of Science and Philosophy by Guy Murchie, Houghton Mifflin Company, 1999.

Now we are ready to consider how to conquer fear. The best way is to change the negative expectation to a positive one. That is, we want to direct the harmful energy of irrational fear into the helpful belief and emotion of FAITH. This process is called sublimation. Another way to look at it is to say we want to al~er the state of an emotion from negative (irrational FEAR) to positive (FAITH). This process is called transmutation. Let's look at five ways our reader can change her negative expectation to a positive one. 1.

If after careful reflection and study, our reader concludes that we in fact have eternal life, she will have conquered her fear. Indian gurus have much wisdom to offer on the nature of life.

2.

Focus on how fortunate you are to have your fear shield you from foolish and destructive behavior, su ch as taking drugs or driving under the influence.

3. Use your fear of the apparent brevity of life to do and enjoy as much as possible. Use your 'weakness' of fear as a strength by squeezing the most out of life. Since you fear the loss of life, that means you value it. So, cherish it; embrace it, and take advantage of every moment. 4. Rather than viewing your fear as uncomfortable and almost crippling (negative), see it as a wonderful opportunity to

Conquer the Fear of Death I 37

learn how to cope at such an early age (positive). You may have to pay to join a gym, but life is a free playground that provides the opportunity to practice and develop important life skills. 5.

Redirect the energy consumed by fear into positive activities.

For instance, use that energy to express your feelings in poetry, keep a journal, write essays, or study spirituality. Another valuable tool in self-mastery is the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness is the art of living in the present moment. The ironic thing about the fear of death is it denies you of the very thing you fear losing. Whenever you experience fear, you are not living. Life is only experienced in the present moment. When you are fearful, you are not living, but drifting off into some imaginary nightmare. At that moment, the sounds, fragrances, textures, colors and tastes of life that surround you pass by unnoticed. You are asleep at the wheel. Wake up! Fear cannot exist in the present moment; it exists only in the expectation of a future event. As soon as you return to the present, fear is absent. The present moment is a wonderful place to be. It is the only place you can discover how magnificent you are through the process of meditation. Your college education would be incomplete without the study of mindfulness and meditation. There are many excellent books written on these subjects. Also, many hospitals offer free mindfulness and meditation classes. Since you are being treated for depression, ask your doctors about such classes. All right, I made you wait long enough. So, I am going to transmute your fear for YOll. I'm going to change your negative expectation to a positive one. Read this slowly and carefully. Relax and get excited because you are going to be free from that terrible fear that's been dragging you down. Within six


weeks, most likely less than that, you will be free of fear. Here's how. The field of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) has greatly contributed to the methodology of eliminating fear. Today, there is no need to find a qualified NLP practitioner to help you or to study complicated manuals. Instead, you can take a home study program to conquer the fear of death. The name of the program is "Vanquish Fear & Anxiety in Just 24 Hours" and is published by CTRN, Change That's Right Now, which is a reputable, established company with a record of success.

12 The Secret To The Secret A reader in South Africa has two questions about the "Law of Attraction," which he learned about in the book and DVD, "The Secret." He explains, "I consider this an important law and have experienced success with it. Why do some people dismiss the book and DVD as nonsense and others find the law doesn't work for them?" Just in case there is someone who doesn't know what is meant by the "Law of Attraction," it simply means that we attract more of what we think about. That is, if we spend most of our time having positive thoughts, we will have more positive experiences. Conversely, if we spend most of our time complaining about life, we will find that we have more to complain about. There's nothing magical about this principle. It's just common sense. You see, when we have positive thoughts, they create positive feelings, which then lead to positive actions that are then followed by positive results. On the other hand, if all we do is complain, we alienate friends, grow blind to the opportunities that surround us, and condemn ourselves to a life of misery. So, our thoughts, opinions and beliefs act as selffulfilling prophecies. Well, then, why do some people dismiss the book and DVD as nonsense? Here are five reasons.


1. The book and DVD go beyond the principle of "The Law of Attraction" by trying to explain how it works. In their zeal to make a strong case, they resort to quantum physics and vibrational theory. They neglect to mention that quantum physics remains a theory and theories cannot validate facts. It takes facts to validate facts. So, some thinking men and women get turned off because of the pseudoscience, phony science, or junk science that is presented. 2.

One or two personalities appearing in the DVD and book may appear to some as "weird" or "kooky," so their ideas are dismissed. However, this is fallacious reasoning that is called "ad hominem," which means we attack the person rather than their idea. EVERYONE has something of value to share. If we dismiss the ideas of every "weird" person we meet, we will deny ourselves of much wisdom. It is the content of the idea that is important, not the person presenting it.

3.

Others are turned off because the emphasis appears to be on wealth, money, riches. There's nothing wrong with money, but isn't happiness more important? So, to some, the DVD's message appears to be shallow.

4.

Although "The Secret" began with a modest DVD sold on the Internet, it has become a huge success and the forces behind the project now seem to be more interested in creating a money-making empire than in spreading a valuable message. Again, there's nothing wrong with their well-deserved financial success; however, it will make some people skeptical.

5.

A full understanding of the "Law of Attraction" is liberating because it makes us the masters of our fate by putting us in charge of our thoughts.

But for some, the idea is too painful. Put yourself in the shoes of someone mired in failure, poverty, loneliness, and

The Secret To The Secret I 41

misery. "You mean to say," he or she may murmur, "I am responsible for my own suffering? I have brought it on myself? No, that is too painful to accept. I refuse to believe it." Now I am ready to tackle our reader's second question, "Why doesn't the Law of Attraction work for everyone who tries it. Here are some reasons. 1.

If we wish to improve our lives, all we have to do is improve the quality of our thoughts, right? Yes, it's true that if we change our thoughts, we will change our lives, But most of our thoughts take place "underground," in our subconscious. So, even though I may repeatedly say, "I am successful," if my subconscious believes I am undeserving of success or incapable of success, it will not be able to accept my conscious statement of success.

Changing our conscious thoughts is difficult enough, but changing our subconscious can be quite challenging. One useful trick would be to reword your statement. For example, change it from "I am successful" to "Wouldn't it be nice if I were successful?" There's nothing in the second statement that the subconscious could object to or deny. After all, YES, IT WOULD BE NICE to be successful. So, such wording will end resistance and allow you to focus on how wonderful it would be to be successful. And as you regularly dream about success, positive images will reach your subconscious, allowing it to work as your ally, as it was meant to. 2.

Another reason why the Law of Attraction may not work is because of conflicting goals. For instance, one goal I may have is to become a manager in my company. Yet, another goal may be to work fewer hours and have less responsibility. Usually, to climb the corporate ladder we have to work more, not less, so these two goals (becoming manager and working less) are incompatible.


3.

Another common mistake is to focus on what we DON'T WANT instead of what we DO WANT. Why isn't it working? Perhaps because you spend your time.

Thinking: "It's not working! It's not working!" Rather than search for evidence that it's not working,look for evidence that it is working. You will always find what you look for, so look for the positive, not the negative. 4.

Some people have the mistaken belief that all you have to do is WISH for something, sit back, and wait until it appears. Not so; we get what we THINK about, not what we WISH for. You can't just sit around waiting for success to come, you have to meet it half way.

I experience success not because of vibrations or thoughts I send out, but because of ACTIONS I take. The actions I take are ignited by feelings of enthusiasm, excitement and passion. All of which arose from my thoughts as I mulled over how wonderful it would be to achieve my dream. If we focus on our dreams often enough, they will change from dreams to plans, from plans to actions, and from actions to results. 5.

Patience, persistence and work are called for. If a farmer were to sow his land today, he would not be able to harvest his crops tomorrow. And there is much work to do in preparing and caring for the land. Our dreams are no different. They only appear after an investment of time and effort.

Regrettably, instead of spending their time to make their dreams come true, some prefer to spend their time making alibis. Eric Hoffer (1902--1983) explains: "There are many who find a good alibi far more attractive than an achievement. For an achievement does not settle anything permanently. We still have to prove our worth anew each day: we have to prove that we are as good today as we were yesterday. But when we have a valid alibi for not achieving anything we are fixed, so to speak, for life.

The Secret To The Secret I 43

"Moreover, when we have an alibi for not writing a book, painting a picture, and so on, we have an alibi for not writing the greatest book and not painting the greatest picture. Small wonder that the effort expended and the punishment endured in obtaining a good alibi often exceed the effort and grief requisite for the attainment of a most marked achievement." 6.

It's possible to reach one's goal and not realize it. For example, your goal may be "to lose weight." Well, after losing one pound, your subconscious may conclude mission accomplished! After all, even if it's just a pound, you have lost weight. To avoid this problem, you must be SPECIFIC, stating exactly how many pounds you wish to lose and by what date you plan to lose them.

To increase your chances of attracting your dreams into your life, practice imagery (visualization). When you use your imagination to see and feel your success in your mind's eye, you are using the language of the subconscious, which is images and feelings. So, what you IMAGINE is much more likely to be accepted by the subconscious than what you merely THINK about.

13 What is Life? Life is boundless joy Ah, life. I can't live without it! You probably feel the same way. What is this stuff called life that we long for? Well, life is not meant not to be analyzed, dissected with logic, or tom apart with questions. After all, "By plucking her petals, you do not gather the beauty of the flower" (Rabindranath Tagore, 1861 -- 1941). Like the beauty of the flower, life needs to be experienced. About 40 years ago I read a poem by the Japanese haiku poet Basho (1644 -- 1694). It translates to something like this: Into the old pond / a frog jumps / the sound of water. I understood the poem intellectually, but the poet's intent to share his experience with me was unsuccessful. I didn't FEEL anything. That is, until recently. You see, I was admiring a lone, pink lotus blossom in the middle of a small pond encircled by lily pads. The following day, I returned to see the lotus blossom. But when I arrived, the blossom was closed. I stood at the edge of the pond silently. When suddenly - plop! - there was a splash, the sound of water. Looking down I saw a frog. At that moment I understood the experience Basho had more than 300 years earlier. It was the surprise and delight of life expressing itself. Life jolted me from my slumber with a splash and said, "Here I am! Stay awake!" How about you? Have you ever walked down a path, oblivious to the beauty that surrounded you? If you are like most

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people that probably has happened. You see, we become so involved in our thoughts, concerns, and plans that life slips by unnoticed. When we are lost in our thoughts, we are lost, not living. People who are bored, unhappy, or angry are also examples of those who are lost; they are among the living dead. However, if we take the time and make an effort, we can reawaken to the joys of life. Perhaps writing a little about its experience may help rekindle it in others. With that thought in mind, I'll begin. What is life? It is the power that created our home, a universe of unfathomable size. This incredible power is surging through you at this very moment. If you listen attentively you may hear its faint voice. It is calling. Listen as it speaks to you: "I want you to become all that you can be. I want you to become all that you were meant to be. "I want you to do those things you would like to do, but are afraid of doing. For it is only by relentlessly smashing through your fears that you will be able to experience me fully. Only then will you know exhilaration. Only then will you exalt me. "Turn your eyes away from yourself and your fears. Focus on me. Feel me. Sense me. Can't you see I am here to support you? Don't you realize that with the power I freely give you, you can do and be anything? "I want you to share in my grandeur. I want you to do great things. Great things need not be big. The smallest of acts can be great. Acts like patience, kindness and generosity are small yet have great impact. "I want to express my glory through you. But when your attention drifts away from my presence, my expression and your growth are impeded. Just as trees stretch their limbs to touch the sky, I want you to stretch yourself and awaken to your limitless potential.


"Please ... I'm pleading ... Awaken to my presence. Embrace me. Become overwhelmed by my majesty. Drink of the boundless joy I have to offer and share it with others. I am a treasure waiting to be discovered. When you embrace me, you have everything, for I am all that is." Did the pleas of life resonate with you? Some of you may be saying, "I felt a little inspired, but I don't feel the fire. I wish I could believe it is all true." Well, it's not about belief; it's about experience. Once you dive into the depths of life and experience it fully you will know the truth. From ancient times to the present moment, many men and women have experienced their true selves and the true nature of life. They include poets, Sufi mystics, yogis, saints, Zen and Buddhist monks, and seekers of every tradition. What they all shared in common was a direct experience of their true selves and lives. By direct experience I mean knowledge that doesn't flow from our mind (concepts, assumptions, beliefs, opinions, conclusions), but wordless knowledge that springs from the very essence of life itself. After experiencing it, however, we need to use words if we wish to talk about it to others. The direct experience is usually referred to as Enlightenment, Awakening, Satori, Kensho, Self-Realization, or Nirvana. Until recently, it took many years of meditation to experience enlightenment. However, in 1968 Charles Bemer, who died in 2007, established a new process called the Enlightenment Intensive. In this intensive workshop ordinary people experience enlightenment in just 3-- 4 days. There are two other books dealing with this subject that you may find helpful: Instant Enlightenment, by David Deida, Sounds True,2007 and Instant Zen: Waking Up in the Present, by Thomas Cleary (translator), North Atlantic Books, 1994. You can read customer reviews of both books at Amazon.com.

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We cannot fully express the joy of life without humor, so I'll end with some Zen humor (you may have to think about it for a moment before you get it): Q: What does a Zen monk say to a hot dog stand vendor?

A: Make me one with everything. Q: What does the vendor say when the monk asks for change for his twenty dollar bill?

A: Change comes from within.

14 Brokenhearted? Take Heart; You Will Not Die A reader in his early 30's is distressed because his girlfriend, who is eleven years younger, ended their two-year relationship. He reader writes, "I am going through a life crisis, it may not seem a big thing but I am finding it very hard to cope with. She is on my mind all the time. Can you suggest any ways in which I can make myself strong and move on with my life?" Nearly everyone reading this can relate to our reader because almost everyone has experienced a broken heart. And those of us who have been there discovered two things. 1. The broken heart didn't kill us. 2. After getting over the pain, we grow stronger, wiser, and more experienced, which make us a candidate for a better future relationship. Our reader has had another serious relationship in the past. So I ask him to remember how he felt when that one ended. Weren't you shocked, disappointed and in pain? Didn't it feel as though you would never get over it? But you did, didn't you? How do you think you will feel about your present relationship in five years? Won't you be over this one and in a new one? If you pause and think this over, experiencing this truth in your mind and imagination, you should find some comfort. Now let's look at some steps you can take to return your life to normal. 1.

Accept that your relationship is over. Don't give yourself false hopes and drag out the pain longer than needed. End

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the relationship cleanly. She is no longer a part of your life, so get rid of mementos or relics of the past. Don't hang on to what might have been. Rather clear the way for what will come. 2.

Don't hold grudges. Resentment merely adds to the pain you are already feeling. Besides, it is entirely inappropriate to be angry with her because both of you made mistakes. You are both the cause of the breakup. What went wrong? Nothing really. You both were growing up and learning about relationships. Everyone goes through it, so don't be alarmed or surprised.

3. Shift from FEELING to THINKING. That is, be pro active and learn from the situation. Ask yourself questions like, "How did I contribute to the breakup? To prevent the same thing from happening again, what should I do differently?" 4.

Listen to life. It's telling you that it has better plans for you, so it's changing things. Don't fight the changes. Struggling only prolongs your final victory. Rather than resisting, jump in the river of life and go with the flow. Embrace change and look forward to the new adventure that awaits you.

Since today is the first day of the rest of your life and your first step along your new adventure, get in step with life by making your own changes. For example, you can change your hairstyle or the way you dress. Also, this is the perfect time to get involved in new activities such as workouts in a gym, and art, writing, speech, or photography classes. Spice up your life and rediscover how exciting it is. Follow the following tips: 5.

Shift your attention from inward to outward. Stop thinking about your own pain and start thinking about the pain of others. This is a great time to become a volunteer. You can work in a soup kitchen, visit the elderly, or help immigrant children learn how to read and write. By the way, the self-


esteem you lost because of the breakup will be more than replaced by what you gain from volunteering and personaldevelopment. 6. If you need some help in getting over the pain of a breakup, your library or bookstore has plenty of good books available. Here are three examples: How to Mend a Broken Heart by Aleta Koman, McGraw-Hill, 1998; Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One by John Gray, Harper Collins, 2002; How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life by Howard Bronson and Mike Riley, Broadway, 2002. 7.

Keep active. Don't mope at home. Stroll downtown or take a walk in the park. Go out with friends. When at home, get involved with a hobby or special interest.

8.

Look after your health. Exercise, eat healthy meals, and get enough sleep. Good health supports your emotional health and well-being.

9. Seek comic relief. TV and movie comedies can lift the spirit. And when you go out with friends, hang out with those who are positive and are fun to be around. 10. If you're really feeling down, writing can be cathartic. Writing your feelings in a journal or composing a poem can help you transfer your pain from within you to outside you. You can also do the same thing by talking about your feelings with a close, supportive friend. 11. If you are allowed to have pets where you live, a dog or cat can add a great deal of love into your life. If you can't have a dog or cat, you can work as a volunteer at an animal shelter. 12. Keep a gratitude journal. Each day, jot down at least three things you are grateful for. Once you develop the habit of

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focusing on the positive, you'll easily be able to weather whatever storm comes your way. 13. Don't try to drown your pain with alcohol or drugs. That's like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Just take the positive, proactive steps that were already mentioned. 14. Don't rush into another relationship. Seeing others is fine, but don't get intimate with another until you are completely healed. And once you go back to dating again, be sure to date only women you respect and admire, not for their beauty, charm and wit, but for their GOODNESS. But for you to attract such a woman, you will have to be just as good. So, work on your gentleness, kindness, patience, acceptance, generosity, and everything else that you want to find in your future partner. 15. Finally, if these suggestions or the recommended books don't help, see a counselor or join a support group. Help is there for you, but don't wait for it to come to you; go to it.

15 Navigate Your Way Like a Captain Do you steer by the light of the stars or the lights of each passing ship?

How good a seafarer are you? Are you the captain of your destiny or is your ship adrift in the sea of life? Have you carefully charted your course or are you aimlessly following others? No wind can help the ship that is bound for nowhere. And at the end of your voyage, you won't be asked about the storms you encountered, but whether or not you reached your destination. If you're unclear about where your ship is heading, don't panic; there's still time to refer to the map in the Captain's Quarters (your mind). To navigate your way, you will need the help of your shipmates: acceptance, accountability, aspiration, attitude, aim, action, and achievement. Acceptance and Accountability

Most of us are damaged goods. Imperfect parents raised us and flawed teachers educated us. Malicious peers taunted us. We're badly bruised and still in pain. Our trauma is holding us back, preventing us from reaching our potential. Our first step on the path to success is to stop blaming others and our circumstances. We cannot change the past, so we have to ACCEPT it and work with what we have. And what we have is infinite potential! There's no point in blaming our circumstances or others for our lack of success because blame doesn't advance us. We cannot control others or events; we can only control our own thoughts

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and actions. So it is time to assume ACCOUNTABILITY, to take responsibility for our own success. For as Anne Byrhhe wrote, "Every action we take, everything we do, is either a victory or defeat in the struggle to become what we want to be." We have enormous power within our grasp. It is expressed by the choices we make. Consider the powerful poem of Edgar A. Guest,

"You are the person who has to decide. Whether you'll do it or toss it aside. You are the person who makes up your mind. Whether you'll lead or will linger behind. Whether you'll try for the goal that's afar. Or just be contented to stay where you are. " Aspiration and attitude

A5PIRA nON, or ambition, is the desire to improve your life. I'm sure you agree with C. Archie Danielson who said, "Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings." Aspiration is like taking a deep breath and optimistically jumping into the adventure of life. Aspiration stokes the fire of enthusiasm. When you want to succeed, you get excited about preparing for success. Acceptance, accountability, aspiration, enthusiasm, and optimism fuse to form the ATTITUDE of success. Aim, action, achievement

Now that you are fired up to embark on your journey to success, you are ready to set your AIM. You are ready to focus on a goal. As you do so, life becomes worthwhile, for as Maxwell Maltz wrote, "People who say that life is not worthwhile are really saying that they themselves have no personal goals which are worthwhile. Get yourself a goal worth working for. Better still, get yourself a project. Always have something ahead of you to 'look forward to' - to work for and hope for." When choosing a goal, always pick one that will make you stretch. Place your goal out of reach, but never out of sight. It


should be worthwhile and difficult so you will grow. But at the same time, it must be achievable. An unrealistic goal can discourage you and hurt your progress. It is important to write down your goals. Also, state them in positive terms. For example, if you want to stop smoking, don't write "I will stop smoking." Don't focus on the negative behavior you want to eliminate, but on the positive behavior you want to begin. So, you can write it as "I am now leading a healthy lifestyle. I eat nutritional meals and exercise." Focus on the new you, not the old you. When writing your goals, use the present tense (I am), not the future (I will), unless you have a specific date in mind. The reason for these considerations is because as you focus on your goals they will sink into your subconscious mind, which is a goalseeking mechanism. It will automatically seek to achieve the images before it. So don't feed it pictures of the old you, just the new you. And let it know that this is not a plan that will begin at some vague date in the future (I will), but now (I am).

You also need to set a deadline for your goal, for instance, "I will finish my school report by August 16, 2008." For best results, make your goal as specific as possible: "I will have a bibliography of at least 17 sources, use at least 25 quotations, have a table of contents, section headings, and write 25 pages or more in my school report, which I will finish by August 16, 2008." Can you see the difference it makes? So can your subconscious mind! Also, when you go into such detail, you are making your goal measurable. On August 17, all you have to do is count the number of sources, quotations, and pages to see how successful you were at achieving your goal. Once you have set your goal, it is time to break it into small tasks that you can easily do and schedule. Returning to our example, you can schedule one day to get your quotations, three days to do research and build your bibliography, one day to work on an outline (which will become your Table of Contents), and so on. These tasks, or ACTION steps are your keys to

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success, your road map to your goal. Discover, as Alexis Carrel did that "Life leaps like a geyser for those who drill through the rock of inertia." Finally, as you work on your plan for success, continually monitor your progress, analyze your obstacles, and adjust your plan so even if you change your route, you will remain on target. The result? ACHIEVEMENT, or accomplishment! People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do, so let's start planning our new life today. Look out world, here we come!

16 Achieve Greatness How can we rise to greatness without scaling mountains? Is your life full? If so, full of what? Anxiety, fear and worry? If that's the case, your life may be full, but it's not fulfilled. A life full of negativity is an empty life. Empty of peace, joy and excitement. It's like a vacuum waiting to be filled. And until it is, it's painful. The pain is trying to tell us something. It's screaming, "It's time to stretch yourself, unleash your potential, and grow into greatness." The reason our inner voice is screaming is because so few are listening. Busy with trying to cope with the complexities of life, we have forgotten our true nature. Whether we're in prison or in a hospital bed, employed or unemployed, rich or poor, young or old, male or female, we carry within us the seeds of greatness. Plant seeds are nothing more than potential, unless they are fed by soil and nurtured by the sun. So it is with our seeds of greatness. It is only after they are brought into the light of awareness and nurtured by positive thoughts and actions that they bloom. Can I become good when I think I'm bad? Great when I think I'm small? Worthy when I think I'm worthless? No, I cannot because it is a law of life that action is preceded by thought. So, if I think I'm bad, I act that way, and vice versa. Insignificant people have insignificant thoughts, while the minds of great people are occupied by great thoughts. The irony is no one is insignificant unless they think they are. The message

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is clear. If we're leading unfulfilled lives, it's time to awaken to our seeds of greatness. When we realize that deep within is greatness aching to be expressed, we become inspired. When inspired, we act with greatness. Finally, when we act with greatness, we become great. Greatness is not power, wealth, fame, beauty, or talent. William Arthur Ward describes it, "Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service and character." In other words, it is becoming someone you admire. Not because of egoism, but because of the innate desire to be and do one's best. Why not add greatness of character to our lives? For when we do so, we add value to them. And when we have value, our life has meaning.

We need great people. We need you to become great. We need you to encourage, point the way, and show what is possible. In 1839, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow explained why we need great lives: "Lives of great men all remind us we can make our lives sublime. And, departing, leave behind us footprints on the sands of time." If you find it difficult to remember the seeds of greatness that live within you, read the biographies of great people. Their stories will stir your heart and launch action. But be careful because we tend to read, watch and listen without digesting the information we're exposed to. To unlock the power of knowledge, we must apply what we learn. Here's a good habit to get into, which will help you focus on applying what you learn. Mainly, whenever you learn something of value, immediately ask yourself, "How can I apply this to my life? When should I apply it? Where should I use this? Why should I use it?" Use the power of questions to ignite the potential locked in the knowledge you gain.


The opportunity for greatness is often missed. Even when it is staring us in the face. What happens if we lose our job, have a serious accident, or get gravely ill? If we view these events as disasters, we grow anxious, stressful and fearful. Yet, those who see the same events as opportunities to rise to the greatness thrust upon them, manage to call up courage, faith and perseverance. Isn't the "catastrophe" we're facing really a mountain waiting to be scaled? How can we rise to greatness without scaling mountains? This explain why William Cullen Bryant (1794--1878) wrote, "Difficulty is the nurse of greatness." For the same reason, Cavett Robert wrote, "If we study the lives of great men and women carefully and unemotionally, we find that, invariably, greatness was developed, tested and revealed through the darker periods of their lives. One of the largest tributaries of the River of Greatness is always the Stream of Adversity." Still not convinced? Perhaps William M. Thackeray (18111863) can persuade you, "To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it; to go through intrigue spotless; to forego even ambition when the end is gained - who can say this is not greatness?" Isn't it clear, then, that when we flee from "disaster," we run from greatness? When we do more, we become more; we become greater. This is why, William Arthur Ward calls us to do more: "Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work." What shall we work toward? Gil Bailie explains, "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Shortly before my 90-year-old dad passed away, he asked me, "What is the meaning of life?" I told him that in my opinion it was to make the world more hospitable, to improve it.

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Shouldn't our legacy of greatness be a trail of good works? American business leader Edward Gardner explained it this way, "It's not what you take but what you leave behind that defines greatness." Don't underestimate the potency of your actions. Although few of us have the power to change the course of history; nevertheless, our small acts accumulate and help weave the period of history we live in. We can and should make a difference, for as Henry Van Dyke wrote, "There is a loftier ambition than merely to stand high in the world. It is to stoop down and lift mankind a little higher." Sh! Be still for a moment and listen. Can you hear it? It is the call to greatness. How will you respond?

17 Acting Without Thinking Acting without thinking is shooting without aiming You wouldn't fire a gun without aiming, would you? So, why would we act without thinking? When we live as robots doing whatever feels good instead of whatever is best for us, there is a heavy price to pay. Replacing thoughtful behavior with thoughtless acts leads to material, mental and physical suffering: lost dreams, emotional turmoil, and bodily pain and illness. Let's look at the sequence of events that creates so many problems in our lives. FIRST, an event takes place. Perhaps my wife frowns at me and rolls up her eyes in exasperation. Or maybe my boss yells at me. Or someone throws a half-eaten hamburger out at my car window, and it lands smack in my face. SECOND, the event triggers a thought such as, "Oh! Oh! My wife is mad at me again!" Or, "My boss is such a jerk!" Or, "I'd like to get a fat, juicy hamburger and squish it in that slob's face." THIRD, the thought immediately brings up an emotion. I might become angry, surprised, perplexed, confused, excited, or frightened. Although I don't realize it, the emotion I experience is not caused by the event that just took place, but by a memory of a somewhat similar event in my childhood. For example, if my boss yell~ at me, this may trigger a childhood memory of my father yelling at me. And the feelings I had at that time of helplessness, anger and fear are suddenly relived. I think my

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boss is the cause of my racing heart, sweaty palms and anxiety, when, in fact, my dead father causes it! FOURTH, we take some action. This is the crossroad. One of two things can happen. One is stupid and the other intelligent. The stupid thing to do is act in the heat of the moment, without thinking things through. In other words, we behave emotionally rather than rationally. For instance, I may shout at my boss, "I'm sick of your griping; I quit!" This is a stupid thing to do because rather than solve a problem, it creates a new, and bigger, one. How will I raise my family and pay my bills, when I get fired? Sadly, acting emotionally instead of rationally is commonplace and the cause of much needless misery. The smart thing to do when emotions grip our imagination is to STOP and THINK before we act. Okay, so my boss yelled at me. But why is he my boss? Isn't it because he has more experience and knowledge than I do? Doesn't he present an opportunity for me to learn more, grow more valuable, and become a team player? If this is the case, rather than creating a problem by quitting, why don't I solve a problem by telling my boss, "Whoops! Sorry for upsetting you, boss. When you have a moment, can you review with me what I'm doing wrong and how I can improve? I'm sure with your guidance I can become a valuable team player." Granted, it's not always our fault. Our boss could be screaming at us for no good reason. But we have a brain and a heart, don't we? Use them to act reasonably and compassionately. Maybe your boss is having a hard day. When you're doing a good job, you have no cause to cower in fear or seethe in anger, so just smile and say, "S-o-r-r-y!" Your pleasant attitude may be just what the doctor ordered for your boss. Your warm smile and understanding may act as a soothing balm for his raw nerves. The lesson, then, is to STOP whenever you become aware of your emotions urging you to act. Your actions should be dictated by your rational mind, not by your irrational impulses. Mind


you, it's not easy at first. It's like learning how to breathe from your diaphragm instead of your chest. But it's a lesson that we've got to learn. Either events control us by triggering thoughts emotions, and rash behavior or we control our lives by taking rational action. The choice is like driving to the destination of your choice, or being a passenger with no control over the directions, or worse yet, like being carjacked and taken where you don't want to go. I don't want to create the impression that our emotions are our enemies. They certainly can be, but they can also be good friends. Again, it boils down to choice. It's a matter of choosing positive emotions to fuel our actions and processing negative emotions to act rationally. For example, enthusiasm, passion, ambition and courage can be powerful motivators for positive action. Similarly, we can enrich our lives and enhance our happiness by allowing the wonder of life and the beauty of the arts to tug at our heartstrings. Bathe in joy, but work through resentment. After all, faultfinding, criticism, self-pity, fear and blame keep one in a rut, preventing progress, and may develop into a chronic negative attitude. But determination, commitment, patience and optimism heal one's mind and body and pave the way for success. Choose to nurture emotions that uplift you and think through emotions that hold you back. Follow the example of Og Mandino (1923--1996) by using positive emotions to reinforce life, "If I feel depressed, I will sing. If I feel sad, I will laugh. If I feel ill, I will double my labor. If I feel fear, I will plunge ahead. If I feel inferior, I will wear new garments. If I feel uncertain, I will raise my voice. If I feel poverty, I will think of wealth to come. If I feel incompetent, I will think of past success. If I feel insignificant, I will remember my goals. Today I will be the master of my emotions." Our emotional life also defines us. We may be knowledgeable, but so are countless others. It is our heart that

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distinguishes us. Our character is not based on what we know, but on how we act; not on what we have, but on what we are. Live with the understanding that helpful behavior is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion. True, where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence, but it's equally true where there's no emotion, there's no motive for love. Returning to my earlier example of the person who lost his job because he quit in anger, he suffered material loss (his income), mental anguish, and poor health as a result. Let's look at the last point, health, for a moment. Our thoughts, opinions, beliefs and emotions have an impact on allergies, asthma, heart disease, cancer, high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, impotence and sexual dysfunction. Even accidents, dental cavities, and back pain! In fact, probably 90 per cent, or more, of all illnesses are either caused by or adversely affected by negative emotions. The opposite is also true, for as Dr. Bemard (Bemie) S. Siegel writes, "Patients who get well when they're not supposed to are not having accidents or miracles or spontaneous remissions. They're having self-induced healing (brought about by positive thoughts, opinions, beliefs and emotions)." Well, I guess it's decision time. What are you going to do? Shoot without aiming? Or think before you act?

18 Admiration of Others We don't grow up until we look up to others

Do you enjoy being admired? Of course you do. We all do. After all, we have an innate desire to be admired. We want to be respected and held in high regard. Since we all feel that way, my statement comes as no surprise. However, what we may overlook is that we have an equally strong desire to admire and respect others. How can we have such a desire and be unaware of it? Well, before we can love, appreciate and admire others, we have to love, appreciate and admire ourselves. But how can those who were brought up with constant criticism admire themselves? For they feel defective. If they are constantly criticized, something must be wrong with them, they reason. If they are not held in high esteem by others, how can they have self-esteem? And because they do not admire themselves, they do not learn how to admire others. The admiration of others is a mark of maturity. When we are free of emotional baggage and in control of our lives, we come to accept, appreciate and admire others. That's what I mean by saying, "We don't grow up until we look up to someone." But for those raised in a society, such as ours, where a preponderance of energy is spent berating, ridiculing and criticizing others, it becomes increasingly difficult to learn the gentle art of admiration for others. Witness the late night comics that demean the highest office in the land. Witness the tabloids

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that proudly announce the latest scandal. Witness, too, radio talk show hosts and clerics that spew venom at those who disagree with them. If we are raised in mud, how can we avoid being covered in mud? Yet, if a gold chalice were buried in mud for hundreds of years, it would remain gold. Merely removing it from the mud and rinsing it off will restore it to its former beauty. We are no different. If we wash the mud out of our eyes, we would be able to see the beauty that surrounds us. Everyone we meet is like a snowflake, uniquely different from any other person. True, those we meet may be covered in mud, but there is gold beneath it. And every time we say a kind word to them, a spot of mud dries and falls to the ground, revealing glittering gold. Why should we want to cultivate the art of admiration of others? What better reason than to grow. We learn about ourselves when we learn who and what we admire. Admiration is a stepping stone. It raises us to a higher level. Here is what Thomas Mann (1875-1955) had to say about it, "I have always been an admirer. I regard the gift of admiration as indispensable if one is to amount to something; I don't know where I would be without it." Morihei Ueshiba (1883-1969) was one of the world's greatest martial artists, as well as a Japanese philosopher. He pointed out that besides admiring others, we are to admire life itself. For everything has something to teach us. In his book, The Art of Peace, he writes, "Contemplate the workings of this world, listen to the words of the wise, and take all that is good as your own. With this as your base, open your own door to truth. Do not overlook the truth that is right before you. Study how water flows in a valley stream, smoothly and freely between the rocks. Also learn from the holy books and wise people. Everything-- even mountains, rivers, plants and trees-should be your teacher." Admiring others doesn't mean holding in awe the rich and powerful. Rather, it means holding in reverence the benevolent, the peacemaker and the compassionate. For when we admire


those who uplift society, we uplift ourselves. What we admire shapes us. What we detest entraps us. We need to ask ourselves, "Do I want to be molded by my admirations or my resentments? When we accept, appreciate and admire others, welcoming them into our lives, they touch us and help make us what we are. When we embrace others, we embrace life. Besides being a valuable teacher, admiration is a source of happiness. For what is admiration but delight in what is? It is appreciation and gratitude for what is. A grateful heart is full of joy, while an ungrateful one is full of bitterness. Isn't the dreariness, dissatisfaction and depression that hang over much of society nothing more than a failure to admire the world and our fellow travelers? Those who say, "What is there to admire?" still have mud in their eyes. We all can find much to admire if we look for it. When we accept life we grow to appreciate it, then admire it, later revere it, and finally venerate it. An accepting heart blooms into a heart of love. And it is love that brings clarity of vision, which allows us to penetrate into the hearts of others. It dispels the clouds of prejudice and narrow-mindedness and allows us to learn from others. True admiration, then, is not about holding some people, special people, in high regard. Instead, it is about holding everyone in esteem. For when we look into the eyes of another, we behold our own reflection. Those of us who are parents must exercise vigilance, for the circle of admiration begins at home. When we hold our children in high regard, they learn that they are worthy of admiration and begin to admire others. They then start to reap all the rewards that follow. Remember, too, that all the criticism that permeates society is nothing more than cries for help. People want to be recognized and admired and lash out at others because they themselves feel deprived. So much so that Saint Thomas Aquinas taught that withholding compliments and encouragement is a sin because it

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withholds food for the hungry. Feed the hungry that cry at your doorstep by accepting, appreciating and admiring them. When you soothe their hunger and quench their thirst, you will nourish your own soul and spirit. Another caveat: what we take for granted, we don't hold in high regard. Who is there more worthy of admiration than your own spouse? Don't take him or her for granted. I can honestly say that my admiration for my wife of 40 years has never stopped growing. Not that this is particularly remarkable, for never ending admiration is the natural consequence of awareness. You can never admire what you are unaware of. So, wipe the mud from your eyes, if there is any, and stay attuned to life, always looking for good, and you will never be disappointed.

19 Effective Time Man agem ent "Time is your most valuable resource!" says internationally renowned management expert Peter Drucker. Then he makes a very astute observation: "Unless time is managed, nothing else can be managed." In other words, if time gets away from us, every other part of our business will get away from us, too. Your effectiveness in time utilization, more than any other single factor, determines how much you can earn. If you want to see how effective you are at managing time, you can reduce it to a simple formula which gets right to the bottom line. Take all of your professional expertise and resources, and add to them all of your opportunities, then divide them by the work you can get done in the time you have available. That's your earning quotient. You take all the things you know and can do, plus all the opportunities you have to do them, then you divide them by what you can accomplish in the number of hours you have available. If you think in these terms, it quickly becomes clear that it's not our knowledge and expertise that make us successful. That only gives us our capability to succeed. And it's not our opportunities. Those only represent our potential. What makes the difference in our level of success is how effectively we utilize the time we have available. What's exciting about that formula is that even a small increase in your time utilization can give you a quantum leap in

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earning power. So, when we're talking about effective time management, we're also talking about making more money. Think about it: If you could improve your time utilization by ten per cent in each of the next ten weeks, you could double your effectiveness. So, here are some useful suggestions.

Focus On Billable Minutes Only the minutes and hours that you spend actually fulfilling the assignments your clients are paying you to do can be called income producers. They are billable minutes. And, notice that I'm putting the emphasis on minutes, not on hours. Time seldom gets away from us in big chunks. Usually, it slips away in minutes and even seconds. So, to increase your focus on billable minutes, keep a time log for a week. Divide it into two columns -- bill able minutes and overhead activities. Write down all your activities in at least fifteen-minute increments. Then, at the end of the week, total up all the time for each of the columns. I predict that your first reaction will be shock! You won't believe how much overhead time you've amassed. If you really want to get a clear picture, figure out exactly what your time per hour is worth and total up the dollar amount the overhead activities have cost you. Then take that amount of money out of your pocket and throw it in the trash can. I promise you that your second response will be to start looking for every way possible to move minutes from the overhead column to the billable minutes column. Emphasize Results, Not Activities Make it a habit to bring every task to closure as quickly as possible. There's a phenomenon I like to call the entrepreneurial syndrome and, since most professionals are entrepreneurs by nature, it's easy to fall into it. The entrepreneurial syndrome is working like crazy, but not getting a whole lot done.


Unfortunately, your customers don't pay you by the speed of your work, or usually even the number of hours you put in. They pay you for what you accomplish for them. You can tell then you're caught up in the entrepreneurial syndrome by certain comments that keep cropping up. Comments like: "I'lllook into it and get back to you." "1 really need to do something about that." "We need to get our heads together." Or, here's a classic: "1 really haven't had time to do it, but I'm working on it right now!" These statements indicate that we have so many things hanging that we can't bring anything to completion. They are public relations ways of saying, ''I'm working as hard as I can, but I just can't get it all done!" And the problem is that they not only upset your clients; they cost you money. If you want to see your earning power take a quantum leap, start making it a habit to focus on results, not on activities. Rate your effectiveness every hour by what you have actually completed, not on how hard you hwe worked. And, if you really want to be proactive about it, set resultsoriented goals for each hour of your day. Instead of saying, "I'm going to block out three hours to work on those estimates", say, "I've got three hours available, so I'm going to finish those estimates." One reason so many professionals fall into the entrepreneurial syndrome is that they feel so much pressure that they have to do something to release it. For example, they rush to the office and sit down at a desk. Then they start looking for the most pressing thing to do. And, usually, they can release the pressure they feel by tackling some simple, routine chore like opening the mail or returning phone calls. Two hours later, they're still caught up in overhead work, instead of making calls, generating sales, and earning income.

20 Where Do You Go For Your Intellectual Feast Pity the man who has a favorite restaurant, but not a favorite author. He's picked out a favorite place to feed his body, but he doesn't have a favorite place to feed his mind! Why would this be? Have you heard about the accelerated learning curve? From birth, up until the time we are about eighteen, our learning curve is dramatic, and our capacity to learn during this period is just staggering. We learn a tremendous amount very fast. We learn language, culture, history, science, mathematics ... everything! For some people, the accelerated learning process will continue on. But for most, it levels off when they get their first job. If there are no more exams to take, if there's no demand to get out paper and pencil, why read any more books? Of course, you will learn some things through experience. Just getting out there -- sometimes doing it wrong and sometimes doing it rightyou will learn. Can you imagine what would happen if you kept up an accelerated learning curve all the rest of your life? Can you imagine what you could learn to do, the skills you could develop, the capacities you could have? Here's what I'm asking you to do: be that unusual person who keeps up his learning curve and develops an appetite for always trying to find good ideas.


One way to feed your mind and educate your philosophy is through the writings of influential people. Maybe you can't meet the person, but you can read his or her books. Churchill is gone, but we still have his books. Aristotle is gone, but we still have his ideas. Search libraries for books and programs. Search magazines. Search documentaries. They are full of opportunities for intellectual feasting. In addition to reading and listening, you also need a chance to do some talking and sharing. I have some people in my life who help me with important life questions, who assist me in refining my own philosophy, weighing my values and pondering questions about success and lifestyle.

We all need association with people of substance to provide influence concerning major issues such as society, money, enterprise, family, government, love, friendship, culture, taste, opportunity and community. Philosophy is mostly influenced by ideas, ideas are mostly influenced by education, and education is mostly influenced by the people with whom we associate. One of the great fortunes of my life was to be around Mr. Shoaff those five years. During that time he shared with me at dinner, during airline flights, at business conferences, in private conversations and in groups. He gave me many ideas that enabled me to make small daily adjustments in my philosophy and activities. Those daily changes, some very slight, but very important, soon added up to weighty sums. A big part of the lesson was having Mr. Shoaff repeat the ideas over and over. You just can't hear the fundamentals of life philosophy too often. They are the greatest form of nutrition, the building blocks for a well-developed mind. I'm asking that you feed your mind just as you do your body. Feed it with good ideas, wherever they can be found. Always be on the lookout for a good idea -- a business idea, a product idea, a service idea, an idea for personal improvement.

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Every new idea will help refine your philosophy. Your philosophy will guide your life, and your life will unfold with distinction and pleasure. Wherever You Are, Be There One of the major reasons why we fail to find happiness or to create unique lifestyle is because we have not yet mastered the art of being. While we are at home, our thoughts are still absorbed with solving the challenges we face at the office. And when we are at the office, we find ourselves worrying about problems at home. We go through the day without really listening to what others are saying to us. We may be hearing the words, but we aren't absorbing the message. As we go through the day, we find ourselves focusing on past experiences or future possibilities. We are so involved in yesterday and tomorrow that we never even notice that today is slipping by. We go through the day rather than getting something from the day. We are everywhere at any given moment in time except living in that moment in time. Lifestyle is learning to be wherever you are. It is developing a unique focus on the current moment, and drawing from it all of the substance and wealth of experience and emotions that it has to offer. Lifestyle is taking time to watch a sunset. Lifestyle is listening to silence. Lifestyle is capturing each moment so that it becomes a new part of what we are and of what we are in the process of becoming. Lifestyle is not something we do; it is something we experience. And until we learn to be there, we will never master the art of living well.

21 Balanced and Motivated The road to success is not a meandering path. It's a carefully planned route. But planning a route takes you nowhere. It only tells you where you expect to go. Getting there requires that you hit the road. Before you hit the road, there are preparations to make. You have to pack your bags, make sure your vehicle is in good condition, fill your gas tank and stock up on travelers' checks. Action usually comes at the end of a series of preparatory steps, best described in the starter's words at the beginning of a race: Get ready; Get set; GO! At the 'Get ready' signal, foot racers assume a balanced stance that allows them to respond quickly when the action signal is given. Successful people acquire balance, too, in the physical, mental! emotional, social and spiritual aspects of their lives. When you achieve this state of equilibrium, you're ready to accept any challenge and conquer any barrier between you and success. To acquire balance means to achieve that happy medium between minimum and maximum that represents your optimum. The minimum is the least you can get by with. The maximum is the most you're capable of. The optimum is the amount or degree of anything that is most favorable toward the ends you desire.

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Let me illustrate the difference between maximum and optimum. If you're running the marathon and you go all-out for the first mile, you may take the lead, but the victory ultimately will go to the runner who strikes the highest sustainable pace. If the pace is too slow, the others will pass you. If it's too fast, you'll run out of energy before you reach the end of the race. The objective of a marathon runner is not to lead after the first mile, or even after the first 25 miles. It's to finish the entire 26 miles, 385 yards at the head of the pack. The successful runner will find his optimum pace, which is the highest sustainable pace. You need to strike that kind of balance in your personal habits and behavior. Find the happy medium between minimum performance and the pace that leads to burnout. Then you'll be ready to succeed in the long run. Getting set entails bringing yourself to a motivational edge that allows you to put your heart and soul into the effort once the action has begun. Acquiring motivation means developing a strong reason to carry your action plan to a successful conclusion. When you're balanced and motivated, you're ready to respond to the signal: GO! Eliminating Profit Leaks

Many of the most brilliant and capable speakers and consultants are anything but successful -- some even end up having serious financial problems. It's not that they don't work hard. In many cases they work too hard. The problem is they fail to manage the fruits of their labors effectively and let their profits slip away.


One of the real challenges of running a professional speaking and consulting business is to make sure that you end each year with profits, earnings and savings. So, how can you manage your business to keep more of what

you take in, and keep building a larger and larger equity? By watching both the macro and the micro dimensions of all transactions. Watching the macro dimension has to do with managing the big picture of your career. It includes such activities as: •

Staying in touch with your career vision and long-term goals.

•

Monitoring your overall progress to make sure you are achieving your objectives in all areas.

•

Managing your client load and workflow.

•

Executing your integrated marketing strategies.

Watching the micro dimension means keeping a close watch on all the thousands of details that go into operating a busy and productive business. Managing the micro includes such things as: •

Making sure each staff person is working both efficiently and effectively at every moment of every day.

•

Controlling costly wastes of supplies and inventory.

•

Checking minute details like postage meter readings, packaging of shipments to clients, and the way phone calls are handled.

As one of my clients says, "Managing the micro is not just expecting performance from everyone in your organization; it's inspecting to see that you get the performance you expect." Some professionals are strong in watching the big picture. They love to quote Ben Franklin saying, "Don't be penny-wise

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and pound-foolish." In other words, don't get so caught up in the details that you lose sight of the big picture. Others manage the micro very well. They believe that if you watch the details, the big picture will take care of itself. They also like to quote Ben Franklin -- especially his famous statement "A penny saved is a penny earned." Neither of those approaches is adequate to meet the management needs of true professionals in today's highly complex marketplace. Success comes from constantly watching both dimensions -- the big picture and all the details. Let me illustrate how crucial this dual focus is by sharing a couple of stories my clients have told me. One of our corporate clients, a large home furnishings manufacturer, once introduced an exciting new furniture line, in a style that had been taking the market by storm. Every detail had been worked out to assure that the design and pricing were right, and that production was ready to go. They had planned to announce the new line with great fanfare at an upcoming international show. There was only one thing wrong -- nobody had bothered to research the market. The new offering fell flat on its face because it was designed for a trend that was quickly dying. They had been so caught up in the details of preparing the products and promotion that they'd overlooked a major consideration -- whether or not anybody would buy it. They had managed the micro dimension, but not the macro. Another client, a consulting executive, had carefully put together a very expensive direct mail campaign to promote a new round of seminars she was planning to conduct. She had carefully researched her market, she'd created a magnificent mailing packet, and gone first class in her presentation. There was only one problem. The day after all the mail pieces had gone out, one of her staff people noticed that the


response cards containing the prices, dates and locations of the seminars had been left out. And, since it was the only place she had listed her return address and phone number, her expensive mailing was useless. According to her own estimates, that one micro-slip-up had cost her thousands of dollars in wasted mailers and postage. But, even worse, by the time she could reprint and distribute the mailer, she had missed many paying clients who would have responded if they'd only known how to get in touch with her. She had covered the macro, but had not checked up on a very important detail. To be really successful, it's crucial to manage both the big picture and the minute details with equal care.

22 Fundamentals of Communication Most of the verbal communicating you do is from one individual to another. This is true whether you're in a family, social, or a work setting. One-on-one verbal communication affords the greatest opportunity for precision, because immediate feedback can tell you whether you were understood accurately. But communicating effectively involves more than just -accuracy. The purpose of most communication is to influence the attitudes and behaviors of those whom we address. Since the human race is composed of billions of individuals, each with a different way of responding, no one approach is universally effective. So it's important that you learn to express yourself accurately and in a way that will accomplish your purpose toward the individual you're addressing. The Basic Process of Communicating To achieve precision and effectiveness in communicating, you should understand the basic process of communication. It has four requirements: 1.

A message must be conveyed.

2.

The message must be received.

3.

There must be a response.

4.

Each message must be understood.


Let's look at these requirements one at a time. A Message Must Be Conveyed That sounds simple enough. You know what your thoughts are, and you know how to translate them into words. But that's where we lose the simplicity. Each of us has our own mental dialect. It is the common language of the culture in which we grow up, modified by our own unique life's experiences. Our life's experiences add color and shades of meaning to different words. When you speak, your mental dialect must be translated into the mental dialect of the hearer. So the words you speak acquire a different color when they pass through the ears of the person who hears you. It Depends Upon Where You Are: You can probably think of numerous opportunities for misunderstandings on your job and in your culture. If you tell your travel agent you want a flight to Portland, be sure to specify Maine or Oregon. Otherwise, you may end up on the wrong coast. A colleague of mine once flew to Ohio to keep a speaking engagement in Columbus. Too late, he realized that the group he was to address was in Columbus, Georgia. If someone in my hometown of High Point, North Carolina asks me, "How did Carolina do in the big game last night?" I know the reference is to the Tar Heels of the University of North Carolina. If somebody in Columbia puts the question in those precise words, I know that "Carolina" means the Gamecocks of the University of South Carolina. In most cities, if you ask a newsstand operator for the Sunday Times, you'll be handed a New York Times. But in St. Petersburg, Florida, or Seattle, Washington, you're likely to get the local newspaper.

A Message Must Be Received: The second basic requirement of the one-on-one communication process is that the message be received and understood. Effective communicators know that they have not conveyed their meaning until they have made sure

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that the other person has received it exactly as they sent it. They test, with questions and observations, to make sure that the real meaning they wanted to convey has passed through the filters and has been received and understood.

There Must Be A Response: The goal of all communication is to obtain the desired response. You want to say something correctly, and have your hearer understand what you mean by it. But you also want the hearer to do something in response. Each Message Must Be Understood: Once a message has been delivered, received and responded to, it's time to take stock of what each person has communicated. The cycle of communication is complete only when you come away with a clearer understanding of the person with whom you sought to communicate. You may not always agree with the other person, and the other person may not always agree with you -- but it is important that you understand each other.

23 Implementing Total Quality Management Did you know that, in a typical American company, almost 40 per cent of the resources are wasted redoing something that was done wrong the first time? Did you realize that an average of only 35% of an employee's time is invested in actually doing the work or adding value to the job? These are scary thoughts, I know. Yet, I've been privileged to see first-hand how some executives have turned things around brilliantly. One of them is Paula Marshall-Chapman, CEO of The Bama Companies in Tulsa. She instituted a solid quality program, called Bama Institute, for which we conceptualized and created the materials. Through Bama Institute, Paula made education and development a top priority in her successful drive toward higher quality. Today's marketplace demands quality, and to survive in this environment, businesses must seek quality with single-minded zeal. That's why, organizations everywhere, large and small, are pursuing Total Quality Management (TQM). WHAT IS TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT? At the risk of repeating something you already know well, TQM is a whole new way of looking at quality. It builds quality in instead of adding it on.

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TQM's basic principles, as the Federal Quality Institute defines them, are: Customer satisfaction. Continuous improvement. Responsibility on the part of each individual involved in producing products and services. These points may be all too familiar to you, but as Dr. Samuel Johnson used to say, "What we need is not so much to be taught new truths as to be reminded of old truths we already know." So let's look at what this all means. TQM looks at quality through the eyes of the customer. The business pursuing TQM must determine what qualities its customers want and find ways to build those qualities into their products. TQM stresses communication. People have to share information and ideas. TQM relies on teamwork. Internal competition discourages quality. As my friend, Charles Dygert, points out, "In cooperative situations, others are depending on you to succeed. In competitive situations, others hope to see you fail." TQM calls for empowerment. Give your employees the authority to make spot decisions without constantly checking with supervisors. TQM uses fact-based decision-making. When things go wrong, the emphasis shifts from "who did it" to "what happened and why?" TQM looks at the process. What are the steps in the process, and at which step did the problem occur? TQM requires feedback. Management lets employees know in what areas they're doing well and in what areas they need to improve. It finds ways to reward productive, quality-oriented behavior and provides disincentives for unproductive behavior that inhibits quality.


TQM is a long-range, never-ending process. It takes time to make the changes necessary to achieve superb quality. That quality can vanish overnight if you don't institutionalize the process. To adopt TQM, you must establish a qualilty culture, with employee involvement as a key ingredient. This requires more than training employees in mechanical and statistical techniques. It means educating your work force in the new way of doing things. Employees must learn to see their jobs not as machine operators or order processors, but as value adders. They must adopt an attitude that puts quality first and refuses to accept second-rate results. This calls for developing, teaching and nurturing qualityoriented values. When Levi Strauss embarked on its qualityimprovement course, it adopted an Aspirations Statement as an authoritative guide for new behaviors. Then it developed a comprehensive educational program to teach its people to practice the behavior outlined in the Aspirations Statement.

If you study successful TQM efforts, you'll find that they share a number of characteristics. Here are some keys to success I have observed: TQM stresses prevention instead of inspection and correction. Studies show that one dollar spent on prevention is worth ten dollars spent on inspection and correction. One IBM division discovered that it was processing 96 per cent of its orders perfectly, but fixing the remaining 4 per cent was occupying 58 per cent of the people and hardware. TQM emphasizes incremental improvements, not major breakthroughs. In baseball language, this means relying on lots of singles instead of the occasional grand slam. Look for ways to make small improvements. The cumulative effect will amaze you.

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TQM links quality efforts to the bottom line. Some executives confuse the means with the ends. It's meaningless to say "We've trained 1,000 employees in TQM." What matters is the effect this training has on your company's performance. Iomega Corporation of Roy, Utah, which manufactures disk drives for computers, cut the production cycle for its product from 28 days to 1-1/2 days, but that wasn't the ultimate benefit. The real benefit was going from a $36 million net loss in 1986 to a $14 million profit in 1991. Look for things that have a measurable effect on performance, as measured by return on assets and value added per employee. Quality comes from practicing the fundamentals. Look for the things that add value, look for ways to simplify, and look for ways to move faster. Some quality-enhancing ideas are amazingly simple. 1.1. Bean, which sells paraphernalia for outdoor people, found that it could significantly improve the speed and accuracy of its shipping department by stocking high-volume items close to packing stations. The idea came from the workers themselves. They periodically plot flow charts to look for bottlenecks and impediments to quality. Iomega cut the production cycle on its product by attacking bottlenecks by grouping its equipment in clusters of related operations. This enabled it to assemble its products in one continuous operation without having to store parts for days at a time in holding zones. Benchmarking can be a Powerful TooJ for Achieving TQM Benchmarking means examining the methods of another business that is doing things right and establishing its methods as your minimum standard. Xerox carried benchmarking one step further. It looked at other companies in search of the best practices. Based on these practices, it


projected what the highest standards would be in the future. Then it developed strategies for matching the future standards. A word of caution: Don't undertake benchmarking until you have a comprehensive quality program in place. If you're a small business, don't use world-class enterprises as your benchmarks. Instead, look at your competitors and find ways to improve on their methods. Implementing Total Quality Management requires change. That's a scary thought for many people. Not everybody relishes change and challenge. Most people want to achieve comfortable plateaus and remain there. They'd rather be comfortable than excellent. But you and I know that we don't stay in business by staying comfortable. We stay in business by achieving excellence -- and then improving on it. Total Quality Management is a system for institutionalizing excellence.

24 Information Explosion: The Solution About 3,000 years ago, the wise King Solomon wrote: "Of making many books, there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh." I suspect that if most modem executives could send a message back to Solomon's time (and don't bet that modem technology won't find a way), they'd say, "Your Majesty, you ain't seen nothing yet." In truth, today's executive is in the center of an information explosion, and bringing order out of this chaos would tax the wisdom of Solomon. More than 2,000 books are published every week. More than 1,600 daily newspapers spew out 62.3 million copies a day in the United States alone. The nation's top 100 magazines produce about 240 million copies per issue. But this is only the beginning. Almost every office has its fax machine, spouting messages throughout the day. Computerized data bases offer libraries of information that can be tapped with a modem plugged into a telephone jack. You can't get away from the telephone. It's in your office, home, hotel suite and car. In most cases, your cell phone goes wherever you go! Some 16 million miles of fiber optic cable spin a communications web around the globe, and each cable can handle 10 million communications at a time. Much of the exploding information is highly useful. A great deal is worthless to you. How do you separate the wheat from


the chaff? Equally important, how do you organize the information and put it together in a meaningful pattern? We recommend to our clients ten strategies for coping with the explosion. Briefly: Strategy 1: Have an information plan The plan should provide a concise statement of the information you need to fulfill your corporate mission. It should designate individuals who are responsible for gathering, processing, updating and making available the required data.

The plan should also provide a practical system for key people to gain access to the information quickly and easily. It's useful to provide for a formal periodic review of all information requirements and all systems for collecting information. Strategy 2: Focus on action, not on reports Every report is an overhead expense. A useless report is a dead weight. So before you request a report, ask yourself, "Is it necessary?" If it isn't, save the staff time and expense. Useless reports encourage mediocrity. I've known middlemanagement people who spent more time filling out reports than they did doing their jobs. I've known others who specialized in doing things that made them look good on reports but contributed little toward corporate objectives. If you don't want to be blown away by the information explosion, make sure your middle managers understand that they are being evaluated on what they actually accomplish and not on what they write in their reports. Strategy 3: Simplify Some corporations have reports to explain other reports, meetings to figure out what happened at other meetings, and vast data banks of information they've never used.

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Don't unnecessarily complicate the gathering and storing of information. The simpler it is, the more meaningful it is to more people. The first step in simplifying is to focus clearly on your objectives. Decide what you want to accomplish. Then make sure that the only information that comes to you is the information you need to make rational and solid decisions. Strategy 4: Clarify Teach your staff to prepare reports and data that are simple and easy to understand. Don't tolerate jargon. Show that you value clear, precise language that everybody understands. Encourage your staff not to over communicate. Let them know that they don't have to cover every possible detail, contingency, or outcome. Strategy 5: Qualify You qualify information by deciding whether it will be useful to you. Ninety per cent of the information we wade through will be useless. Selecting the 10 per cent becomes a challenge. The secret: Look for the specific. Discard all generalities and focus on the particular information that might have practical application in your business. Strategy 6: Systemize the routine An executive should not be saddled with routine, repetitive tasks. That's staff work. Teach your staff the most efficient and cost-effective way to accomplish such tasks, and get them to follow the routine invariably. This leaves you more time for creative thinking. For instance, most business correspondence is routine and falls into specific categories. An executive shouldn't have to dictate a separate response to each inquiry. Instead, you might load some standard letters into the computer or some standard paragraphs that might be inserted into appropriate letters.


Strategy 7: Process papers; don't just shuffle them Don't just lay papers aside and "come back to them later." That's paper shuffling. When I go through my mail each day, I do three things: 1. With each letter, I decide whether this letter is something I will act upon or whether it will be referred to someone else for action. 2.

I write notes on all letters I want others to handle, and distribute them immediately.

3.

I dictate responses to all mail I plan to answer. As I dictate letters, I file all those I have a good reason to keep and I discard the rest.

When I've finished this process, my desk is cleared off and I'm ready to get on with other meaningful projects. Strategy 8: Update, then eliminate The sharpest executives I know keep their files and data banks as lean as they keep their payrolls. They do this by updating, then eliminating. Each time a book, magazine, report or other communication falls on your desk, ask yourself, "Why might I need this and how might I use it?" If you can't think of a specific answer, throw it out. Strategy 9: Constantly synthesize information Synthesizing data means pulling together all its parts to form a whole system of information and ideas you can act upon. Have your staff put this information together in the context of the corporate mission, constantly synthesizing it to keep all divisions and departments informed. Synthesizing involves three important considerations: 1.

Accessibility. Everyone who needs the information should be able to get to it quickly and easily.

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2.

Categorizing. The categories in which the information is arranged should make sense to all who will be using it.

3.

Cross-referencing. The information should be crossreferenced so that it can be accessed by all relevant contexts.

Strategy 10: Educate your people to control data

People in middle and lower management positions need to be freed of the paper burden just as upper management does. Teaching them to manage information will result in more productivity and more creative thinking. The experts tell us that human knowledge is doubling every 32 hours. That's a lot of information to keep track of. You can keep track of it more easily if you determine what information you need and make sure it's available when you need it. The information you don't need can be routed to those who can use it. If it's information nobody needs, then it should be routed to the landfill or purged from your electronic files.

25 Solid Strategies = Solid Success Success results from a solid strategy. Even the greatest ideas are of little value unless they are backed up by a practical and workable plan of action. The word strategy comes from an ancient Greek term which literally means to be a general leading troops into battle. Setting up a good strategic plan involves five steps: The first step is to translate your vision into measurable and achievable goals. You decide specifically what you want to accomplish during the next five to ten years -- those are your long range goals. Next, you break those goals down into intermediate goals -things you wish to accomplish during the next six months or a year. Then you break them down further into short - term goals covering the next month or six weeks. The second step is to break your goals down into achievable objectives. Dr. Robert SchuUer says, "Yard by yard life is hard, inch by inch it's a cinch." Working by objectives helps you concentrate on what's important, instead of spinning your wheels on those things that seem urgent, but don't lead to your long term - goals. Objectives add purpose and direction to all your activities.

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The third step is to set up your strategies for accomplishing your objectives. Strategies are the specific ways you will go about achieving your objectives. The more clearly thought out they are, the more effective they will be. Fourth, you choose each task you must complete each day to achieve your goals. This is where most planning breaks down. We tend to leave it vague -- thinking that, as long as we are working hard all the time, we are achieving our goals. Most people I talk with are extremely busy -- and most of them are working hard to do things right. The problem is they are not doing enough of the right things -- the things that will help them achieve their goals. It is not enough to merely list each task you need to do; you need to build it into your schedule. So many hours every day you are working on specific actions that will lead to accomplishing your definite objectives. And, finally, build in the monitoring mechanisms that will help you keep track of your progress toward implementing your plan. It's one thing to have a "gut level feeling" that you must be doing something right because you are always working hard. But it is far better to design simple mechanisms to let you know precisely how much progress you are making. Look for a few key indicators that will help you stay on track, and monitor those like a doctor would monitor the vital signs of a patient. It doesn't matter how much activity is going on. What matters is how well you are doing at achieving your objectives. One good example would be that you would target to contact three people each day to generate new business. At the end of the day, you'd know whether you have achieved that goal.


Your plan is not complete until it has been commu nicated satisfactorily to every person in your organization who must help implem ent it. Here are some guidelines to help you communicate your vision and plan to your staff, associates and others: 1.

Involve others in formulating the plan. People tend to unders tand and suppor t plans they help create.

2.

Clearly identify roles and expectations. Every person needs to know clearly what you expect and unders tand the basis on which his or her performance is to be judged .

3.

Make sure everyo ne unders tands all deadlines and schedules. A good plan has teeth in it, and the only way to give those teeth is to set definite deadlines for specific actions.

4.

Count on the plan for intrinsic motiva tion rather than seeking to motiva te people with gimmicks. If the plan is built around the strengt hs and person al motivations of the people who must execute it, and has its own built-in reward s, motiva tion will take care of itself. If not, you cannot come up with enough gimmicks to make it work. 5. Get feedback to make sure people unders tand exactly what you expect. It's not very helpfu l to say, "Does everyo ne unders tand the plan?" A far better approa ch is to say, "Tell me what you unders tand the plan to be and how you see yourself fitting into it."

26 Awaken Your Inner Giant Have you been to the circus lately? Yes, I know it's an odd question to ask in a self-development chapter, but please hang on with me. In the circus you've got clowns, gymnasts and animals of all sorts. These might include snakes and monkeys, but there is one animal that you're almost guaranteed to find there. It's the elephant.

Notice anything here? The elephant is a huge animal. If the elephant decides to run away, I seriously doubt that anyone could stop him. Well, at least not without some serious destruction to the whole neighborhood. But why doesn't the elephant try to escape? The answer is: whenever a new elephant is brought to the circus, it is chained and tied to a heavy iron ball, and the elephant struggles to escape, all in vain. Everyday, the elephant tries to escape again and again, until it reaches a point where it loses hope. Now the elephant believes that it can never escape! Only then, the chains are removed. The elephant has built a fake belief that it's impossible to escape, and will never try to escape again although the chains were removed. Have you ever felt like that? All of us were put in that elephant's situation at some point of our lives. It's not our fault. We're being brainwashed everyday by our friends, colleagues and the media. The media and society are always creating certain


'barriers' that are supposed to be impenetrable by any normal human being. They are simply out of reach, except if you're a genius or a very lucky guy! Below is a list of fake beliefs you may have acquired throughout your life: 1.

I can't learn a new sport while I'm grown up, I should have started when I was a kid.

2.

It's very hard to find a job these days, there is no way I could ever work in this country.

3.

You can't get everything that you want.

4.

When you get married you won't have time for anything.

5.

I can never stop smoking, even if I did I will come back to it.

6.

I'm not lucky, if I had the required luck I would have everything that I want.

7.

There is something called luck!!!

If you're still taking the issue lightly, let me tell you a story that will change your perspective. It revolves around two guys: Joe and Bob. Joe and Bob were friends, they used to hangout together -- often to play basketball.

Joe was taught by his family that no one can take every thing in life. Joe and Bob started applying for jobs, and by coincidence they got an interview at the same company. After passing the interview, they were told that the job requires working 12 hours per day, with only a one-day vacation per week. This means that whoever accepted the job would have to quit playing basketball, because he won't have time for sports. Joe thought: "Well, I can't take everything. I'll accept the job and give up on basketball". He took the job. Bob thought: "No, I'll pass this one. I'm sure there is a better job somewhere, one that could provide me with some spare time to play basketball". He didn't take the job.

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In a few months, Joe started to feel that something is missing. He was used to the elevated blood flow that regular training used to provide him. His brain was used to getting more oxygen, thinking better and felling better in general.

Now Joe started to feel depressed, without knowing why. Even more, he left his job, thinking that he was bored of this type of work. Unfortunately, this was a true story. And what's worse is that similar stories keep happening every day, because of people having similar fake beliefs. Most people are unaware of their powers. Some people have lots of tools and opportunities to go for, but their fake beliefs are the only thing stopping them. They think that everything is working out smoothly and that this is life. I know lots of people who don't take enough action to improve their lives, thinking that they need to be lucky or inherit a fortune in order to improve their lives. They are not trying to learn anything new, thinking that it's so hard to get a job anyway. Some of them indulged themselves into bad habits like smoking and drugs. They think that they can never stop it. People quit sports and get fat, thinking that their marriage and career should take their whole time. "Well, you can't get everything in life", they say. Now it really gets funny when people start spreading fake beliefs without even TESTING them. I was once seeking a certain computer certification, and whenever I asked someone I was told that it's very hard to pass the exam. I have to admit, I started falling to the trap and believed them. I then paused for a while and asked them what was so difficult about the exam. You'll be amazed at the reply: "We don't know. We never tried to take it". Haaah !! It's an endless cycle. People believe it's so hard just because other people told them so, and so on it goes ... Fake beliefs!


So, what can you do about that? What's the correct action to take when dealing with other people's opinions that are about to become beliefs? In my opinion, you should first test that belief. Yes, simply test it. If someone told you that you can't lift that box over there, just try to do it. Just because he can't lift it, doesn't mean that you can't. Don't take his word, just give it a try. If someone didn't have the qualities required to land a job, it doesn't mean that you can't either. People differ in their qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Let's just sum it up in one quote:

If you think you can do it, then you will. But if you think you can't, then you are right.

27 Breaking the Habit Tonight Do you have a habit that has been haunting you for years? Do you suffer from an inner self conflict, because you were unable to quit that habit? Do you feel pain each time you repeat doing that habit again? Have you tried every possible method to quit smoking or over-eating, yet failed? Do you think that you can't? Most of us have suffered from a certain habit through our lives, whether this habit was lying or letting go off our rights, wasting time or over-eating, smoking or even drug abuse. We have all done our best to stop it, we have all felt the pain of emotions that arises from doing what we don't want to do, but yet, very few of us have succeeded, do you know why? Because we have never thought of what's below: If you think that you can break a habit using will power alone, then you are wrong.

Here's the story of Sam, an iron-willed guy who decided to stop smoking. The first day passed, the second day passed and still he resisted the urge to smoke a cigarette. He started to feel happy and confident.


Time passed, until one day, he had a car accident. Fortunately, he wasn't hurt, but the damage to his car cost him $200. On that day, Sam returned back to smoking. But why? ... Wasn't Sam iron-willed? Yes he was, but will power is not constant, it changes with time, it changes with life circumstances, and it changes with the ups and downs in our lives. When you are happy, your will power will be strong, but when you are disappointed it will become weak. When you're at the top of your achievements your will power may be an iron one, but when you hit your bottom, your will power will reach its minimum level. So, returning to Sam, what could he have done? Not that hard to guess. He should have taken his decision to quit smoking on a very bad day. He should have chosen a day where his will power is at its bottom, instead of choosing one of the best days in his life to start quitting. If he did succeed to quit while being at his lowest level of will-power, then any other day would be much easier for him because his will-power will be much stronger. Sam tried to run away from his problems by smoking, he didn't want to face his real feelings -- he just ran away. He ran away to a cigarette, because he couldn't stand it by himself. Sam had an external dependency. He was dependent on smoking to lift his mood. You too must know if you have any kind of external dependency that is causing you to continue embracing a habit, and unless you eliminate that dependency, you wont be able to stop nor break your habit. Don't run away, if you want to escape ... then escape; but escape forwards instead of backwards. Unfortunately, the end of the story was much worse.

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Sam started to think that he was weak, and that he couldn't quit, and started to look back at his history to find that he has failed to quit smoking more than ten times; so he just gave up trying again. He gave up because he had built a fake belief, a belief that is composed of two words: "I can't". Who knows, maybe if he tried again only once, this would be the one. Another factor is will-power misuse. Will-power should be channelled to the correct destination instead of being wasted somewhere else. Will power misuse is like trying to break through a wall, instead of opening the door using the knob. An example of will-power misuse is getting very enthusiastic one day then running to do a certain task until you get bored and lose your enthusiasm. To channel your will power correctly, write down a plan when you are enthusiastic, instead of quitting a habit for three days then returning back again to where you started from. Finally, if you haven't tried anything addictive yet, then don't. Never try it. Lots of people imagine that trying everything provides them with necessary experience, but they're just doing so in order to compensate for their lack of knowledge or self confidence, and that's wrong. Trying something makes the fear of trying flyaway. Usually, we all have some fear regarding trying something new, this fear is a protection mechanism that God gave us, so don't break the wall of fear of trying, and leave your non-constant will power in charge. Never break your first line of defence ... Fear of trying. Trying cigarettes will make trying weed much easier, trying weed will make trying drugs much easier, and so on. Each step you go down, makes something worse more accessible and closer to you.

28 Challenge Your Failure Have you ever wondered: "Why do things never work for me? Why do I never succeed while others do? Why do some people reach their goals, while others don't? " I bet most of you have asked yourselves those questions before. Have you ever started doing a certain activity, but after trying a couple of times, decided that it was too hard for you? Maybe you thought that you lack the qualities needed to perform the required activity. Or maybe you've done like most people, and started complaining about your bad luck, the weak economy and all of the other external conditions that affect you. But the truth here is totally different, life has proved that anyone can achieve anything that he wants, given that he tries hard enough. "But how hard is hard enough?" You may wonder ... Here's an example. Let's say that you need to fall about one hundred and fifty times before you can reach a certain !evel of proficiency in skating. Let's assume that you only tried one hundred and ten times. You might stop trying and call yourself a failure because you fell 110 times. But if you knew the truth -that you were only 40 trials away of achieving your goal -- you wouldn't have stopped then. Of course, there isn't any known constant number of trials that you need to complete for every activity -- because the number of required trials depends on your skills.

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Take the skating example. If you were very skilled at sports, with good feet co-ordination and balance, you may need to fall twenty or thirty times only before you could do it well. An average person may need seventy trials, while someone with zero sports background may need to try more than a hundred times. But in the end, after all did their required trials, they are all capable of skating! If you're still not convinced, just go ahead and read these few examples:

Thomas Edison failed nine hundred ninety nine times before he succeeded at inventing the lamp. On the lOOOth trial!!! When he was asked how he managed to continue trying in spite of failing all those times, he told: "Whenever it didn't work, I would never say that I failed. I just say that I've found another incorrect way to make-the lamp". Another story regarding sports, it was previously thought that a man can never run a mile in less than 4 minutes. That belief was there for years, that no one ever dared to doubt its correctness. That was until Roger Banister proved that this was not true, by running a mile in less than 4 minutes. Just after that in the same year another 37 runners broke the record, followed by hundreds later. What's interesting here is that if anyone of those runners had tried hard enough before Banister, he could have done it. But they all gave up to the belief and didn't try enough times because they thought trying was useless in this case. "Why bother with something impossible?" they thought. More examples: Henry Ford lost all his fortune 6 times, and each time he did bounce back and rebuild his empire. WaIt Disney's idea of creating a cartoon character called "Mickey Mouse" was rejected more than 5 times, until he managed to find someone who supported the idea and then Mickey came to life.


English novelist John Creasey got 753 rejection slips before he published 564 books. If you think that this happened only to those people then you are totally wrong; it did happen to all of us before!! Many times!!

Let me give you an example. When you were a kid learning how to walk, how many times did you fall down? How many times did you try to stand up but couldn't do it? If you were exposed to that situation with the mentality that you have now, maybe you were going to whine about life becoming so hard, and that babies can't walk easily these days, and parents not giving us the required support that we want when we ask them (chocolate maybe?). Or maybe you would have thought that other kids are going to laugh at me because I can't walk. I will stop trying.

Funny but true, so let's take a look at this situation deeply. Why didn't you give up here? Why did you keep trying until you did it? Simply because at that time you had not yet learned how to give up, or how to blame the circumstances for everything that you fail to achieve. Or maybe you still had not learned to get depressed when you face an unsolved problem. Enough with babies, let me give you a more recent example. When you started to learn how to drive, how many times did you fail to make the car move forward? Or how many times did the car suddenly stop from you while driving? Do you remember the people yelling at you because you were blocking the road with your car, and you couldn't do anything about it? This also happened to all of us, and the question here is the same, why you kept trying again and again until you became someone who can drive while listening to the stereo and maybe eating at the same time? The answer is that most probably you just saw everybody driving successfully and you never saw someone who is learning

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how to drive and failing and calling it terms like "difficult" and "impossible" . So you knew you could do it, and you didn't give up until you learned how to drive. But what's amazing here is that driving is one of the most difficult activities a person can learn, did you notice how you need to move both of your legs and hands in different directions at the same time! You are controlling your four limbs at the same time, each one in a different direction! Moreover, you are using your mind to concentrate and to make calculations, estimates and decisions in order to follow a certain route, stop at a precise location and avoid hitting something. The conclusion that we've reached here is just one of the laws of life that God created. If you keep trying and trying, you will reach what you want, whatever it is. As for people who don't achieve in life, they aren't people who didn't have the resources to reach their goals, but they are people who gave up so early while they were just about to reach what they wanted. Like a farmer who planted the seeds, poured the water, waited and waited and nothing happened, so he left. Hours later, the green plant showed up, but there was no one left to take care of it, so it died. "I Can't Do It" is never the truth, it's your decision.

29 Anger Management Tips One of the biggest obstacles to personal and career success is anger. When we fail to control our anger, we suffer several blows: Anger impedes our ability to be happy, because anger and happiness are incompatible. Anger sends marriages and other family relationships offcourse. Anger reduces our social skills, compromising other relationships, too. Anger means lost business, because it destroys relationships. Anger also means losing business that you could have won in a more gracious mood. Anger leads to increased stress (ironic, since stress often increases anger). We make mistakes when we are angry, because anger makes it harder to process information. People are beginning to wake up to the dangers of anger and the need for anger management skills and strategies. Many people find anger easy to control. Yes, they do get angry. Everybody does. But some people find anger easier to manage than others. More people need to develop anger management skills. Develop your anger management skills.

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For those who have a tough time controlling their anger, an anger management plan might help. Think of this as your emotional control class, and try these self-help anger management tips: ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #1 Ask yourself this question: "Will the object of my anger matter ten years from now?" Chances are, you will see things from a calmer perspective. ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #2 Ask yourself: "What is the worst consequence of the object of my anger?" If someone cut in front of you at the book store check-out, you will probably find that three minutes is not such a big deal. ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #3 Imagine yourself doing the same thing. Come on, admit that you sometimes cut in front of another driver, too... sometimes by accident. Do you get angry at yourself? ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #4 Ask yourself this question: "Did that person do this to me on purpose?" In many cases, you will see that they were just careless or in a rush, and really did not mean you any harm. ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #5 Try counting to ten before saying anything. This may not address the anger directly, but it can minimize the damage you will do while angry. ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #6 Try some "new and improved" variations of counting to ten. For instance, try counting to ten with a deep slow breathe in between each number. Deep breathing -- from your diaphragm -- helps people relax.


ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #7 Or try pacing your numbers as you count. The old "onesteamboat-two-steamboat, etc." trick seems kind of lame to me. Steamboats are not the best devices to reduce your steam. How about "One-chocolate-ice-cream-two-chocolate-ice-cream", or use something else that you find either pleasant or humorous. ANGER MANAGEMENT TIP #8 Visualize a relaxing experience. Close your eyes, and travel there in your mind. Make it your stress-free oasis. One thing I do not recommend is "venting" your anger. Sure, a couple swift blows to your pillow might make you feel better (better, at least, than the same blows to the door!), but research shows that "venting" anger only increases it. In fact, speaking or acting with any emotion simply rehearses, practices and builds that emotion. If these tips do not help and you still feel you lack sufficient anger management skills, you might need some profeSSional help, either in the form of a therapist specializing in anger management or a coach with a strong background in psychology.

30 Any Fool Can Criticize, And Most Fools Do The Harm We Do Imagine stabbing a friend in a fit of anger. As the knife blade sinks into his chest, your friend gasps in astonishment. Bewildered, his face contorts in excruciating pain. Losing blood and succumbing to shock, he collapses. Fortunately, someone called an ambulance, which soon arrives and rushes your friend to the hospital. Although he recovers, his chest is marred for life by an ugly scar. Hard to imagine you would do that, isn't it? And if you did, I am sure after realizing the harm you have done, you would never repeat such an act. Yet, many of us, almost daily, stab the ones we love. We use invisible knives that do not draw blood. The weapon of choice is CRITICISM. The harm we do is just as vile as that produced by a real knife. Our criticism tears down their self-esteem. They feel unloved and experience self-doubt. Before their wounds have time to heal, we stab them again and again in the same place. How can we be so cruel? Perhaps we are deceived because our weapon and the victim's wounds are invisible. Why are we so vicious? Because of our own insecurities. How can we improve? The next time you feel like butchering someone with caustic words, pause for a moment, and in your


imagination, make your knife visible. Once you realize the harm you are about to do, I'm sure you will stop. Sometimes the harm we inflict is so subtle, we are unaware of it. An example is combining praise with the word 'but." For example, Johnny says, "Look, mom, I got an 'A' on my report card." Mom replies, "That's wonderful, Johnny, BUT you have a 'C' in math." The use of the word 'but' cancels the praise that preceded it. With this in mind, let's 'translate' the above conversation to see what we arrive at. Johnny: "Look, mom, I'm doing well at school." Mom: "No, you're not!" Compare the possible outcomes of the conversation between Johnny and his mother. What would have happened if his mother had said, "That's wonderful, Johnny. I'm going to tell Daddy how clever you are. Keep up the good work." Wouldn't that have inspired Johnny to work harder on his math, earning more praise in the future? Instead, Johnny feels that his hard work is not appreciated because his mom said, "... BUT you have a 'C' in math." Not much incentive for Johnny to try harder, is there? What to Do when Criticized What should you do when you are the victim of criticism? Here are some tips. 1.

Use the criticism as a learning experience. That is, REMEMBER THE PAIN you feel, and vow not to do the same to others.

2.

REMEMBER THEY ARE USING INVISIBLE WEAPONS, so are unaware of the pain they are causing. Forgive them.

3.

REMEMBER THEIR PAIN. What do I mean by that? Here's an explanation by someone who's used to receiving criticism, Boy George, "When folks is mean, it ain't that they hate you personal. It's more likely because they are miserable about something in their inside. You got to remember how most of the time when they yell at you or

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get after you, it ain't you they are yelling at but something inside themselves you never even heard tell of, like some other person has been mean to them, or something they hoped for didn't come true, or they done something they are shamed even to think of, so they get mad at you just to keep their minds off it." 4.

REMEMBER NOT EVERYONE IS EQUALLY ENLIGHTENED, or as John Wanamaker said, "I learned 30 years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence."

5. After being criticized, THANK THEM FOR THEIR ADVICE and promise to take it into consideration. By thanking them, you are disarming their antagonism and ending the conversation peacefully. 6.

CONSIDER THE SOURCE. The person criticizing you may be incompetent, envious, or jealous. If so, after thanking them for their advice, just brush it off.

7.

EVALUATE THE CRITICISM. Although the complaint is probably not objective, there still may be some truth to what they say. Try to use this as an opportunity to grow. Remember, you are imperfect and others may see your flaws more clearly. Learn from them whenever you can, but don't return the favor by criticizing others!

Final Thoughts

Here's a valuable point made by Judge Harold Medina, "Criticizing others is a dangerous thing, not so much because you may make mistakes about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself." Also, Samuel Johnson said, "God Himself, sir, does not propose to judge a man until his life is over. Why should you and I?" Finally, be patient with the faults of others; they have to be patient with yours.

31 Become a Life Coach As life coaching is gaining popularity, so is interest in becoming a life coach. Many people love the idea of working for themselves and being in a profession that helps others. If you are thinking about becoming a life coach, there are several factors you need to consider.

First, decide what type of life coach you want to become. The word "life" covers a lot of territory so life coaches tend to specialize in specific areas. These areas include career and finance, goal setting, relationships, weight loss/fitness and drugs and alcohol, just to name a few. What is your passion and how do you want to inspire others to create success in their lives? When thinking about what type of life coach you want to be, examine your career, education and life experience to find your current strengths. Once you have an idea of what area you want to focus on, consider what a life coach does. This is tricky because there is no one definition or universal standard so several interpretations exist. You need to develop a format in which you will teach successful actions to your clients. A qualified life coach can break down goals into manageable, easier to confront steps while showing the client effective techniques for completing them. Just knowing what and how is not enough because clients often get in their own way. The life coach will evaluate their progress and motivate them to implement a plan with consistent action to actually achieve desired results. Before you

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begin on this path, know that there is a difference between understanding what to do and being able to get someone to do it. There are three essential elements involved in becoming a life coach and they are training, skills and education. When it comes to training, there are many life coaching academies that offer courses and some even offer accreditation. Many of these courses have actual and practical value. Please note that there is no federal or state agency that has an accreditation for life coaching and schools offering degrees are self-accredited. If you are considering taking any of these courses, first look into the costs involved. Often an inexpensive introductory course is offered only to get you started. Since costs can add up quickly, check into the length of time, the number of additional courses required and make sure to get referrals from other students. Another important point to check for first is whether or not the school provides adequate tools for practical application when working with clients. This will be very helpful for beginners in developing step-by-step methods for life coaching.

There are a few key skills that are absolutely essential. For starters, you need to be a good listener, a creative problem solver and have considerable knowledge of human behavior. You need to be able to set goals and develop plans of action to actualize them. Life coaching requires that you are organized and can keep meticulous attention to detail to monitor weekly results. Patience and the ability to deal with frustration are critical. Clients don't always do what they agree to do and getting people to suddenly give up destructive behavior patterns can be a real challenge. You need to know how to motivate and be creative in overcoming obstacles and objections. You have to really like and care about people. You must also be able to accept failure as not all clients will change. There are a few more skills involved but these are fundamental. A life coach should love education in order to stay informed of current advances and trends. The areas that require consistent study are psychology, goal setting, motivation, cognitive psychology,


cognitive science, human behavior, habits of successful people, sleep patterns, relationships, business principles, principles of success, career development, drugs, alcohol, leadership, sales and more. A life coach is a relentless student of these subjects. Life coaching is a pro active approach to resolving obstacles in an individual's life and it requires a clear picture of not only why and how, but also of step-by-step implementation and the ability to resolve blocks and setbacks as they come up. You'll need to combine these factors into a working platform to assist your clients in reaching their goals. Finally, when you are ready to start life coaching, how are you going to get clients? The idea of working for yourself and helping people may sound great, and it is but it comes with its difficulties. You are not going to simply get business cards made then start filling your appointment book. Schools offering great careers as life-coaches will only be able to give you limited assistance in getting clients. After you spend your time and money either with a life coaching school or developing your own style of life coaching, it will be up to you to get clients. You are one hundre d per cent responsible for your income and success. You should enjoy networking and self-promoting. You can build a clientele through friends, networking groups, placing ads, professional relationships, and whatever other creative ways you can think of. As you get clients and earn a reputation, your business will grow through referrals. All this takes time, so be prepared. As you are developing your business, you will have to overcome the obstacle of people questioning what a life coach does. Be prepared by asking yourself why someone would pay you to advice him or her and have a good answer. The answer you develop to that question will be the foundation for your success. After considering all of these factors, if you decide to become a life coach you will be entering a dynamic field. Being able to actually help people create the life changes they want is a highly rewarding and exciting career. You'll be helping others gain success while creating your own!

32 Building Self Confidence Several similar terms describe the central attribute of a character that decides on the strength of personality and the degree of inner freedom: 1.

"Self assurance describes mostly the Counterparts are insecure behavior or shyness.

behavior.

2.

"Self-confidence" is the mental and emotional state that causes the outer appearance.

3.

"Charisma" is the effect that some people have on others.

Self-confidence doesn't mean being perfect or presenting oneself in a perfect way, but realizing and accepting own strengths and weaknesses, using strengths to reach aims and considering weaknesses as challenges, not insurmountable limits. It can be observed that some children are by nature more

actively exploring their environment than others. So possibly, self-confidence has a genetic foundation. Still, all experiences that include social interaction, with parents, relatives, friends and classmates, influence the development of self-esteem. Appreciation has a positive, rejection a negative effect. But unfortunately, it's not that easy. False or fake appreciation can often be observed with parents and relatives. For example, the adoration of even the smallest output of infant creativity, like crude drawings, and other approvals of a child's intelligence and appearance can lead to a


situation of over-confidence. Undeserved rejection, on the other hand, like punishing or disregarding a child out of a bad mood, will confuse it and create insecurity. Over-confidence, or the belief in own abilities and performance that are not real, can lead to arrogance. This can either turn into insecurity, if the person later realizes the truth, or it turns into an inconsiderate behavior, which also isn't making life easier. Insecurity or shyness are very common burdens and they tend to create a lot of problems. Aside from lacking social and personal success, the constant fear of the own inferiority creates barriers that are hard to overcome. So what's the secret of how to give a child a healthy selfconfidence? 1.

Be realistic with appreciation. If you feel you should commend your child for something, consider what would be the ability at its age and then evaluate the outcome. If it deserves appreciation, give it. If you have the feeling that your child is putting to much effort in getting your attention, try to get it back down to reality carefully. Love and appreciation shouldn't be goods that can be bought.

2.

Don't criticize or reject your child out of a bad mood. If you come home after a stressful day and your kid comes up with a picture, show some interest - it might mean a lot more to it than you think.

3.

Keep an eye on the influence your child is receiving from his/her friends. But if you have a bad feeling, try to talk to your child before you call the offender's parents and ask for a restraining order.

4. Don't do things for your child if it's afraid of something. It might be hard sometimes, but how should it learn to be independent if it can always hide behind its parents? Later on, it will lack the confidence that comes from the experience of having to do things on its own.

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5.

Always be there to give advice if required. There's a whole new world of complex social systems out there, and it's easy to get lost. Remember when you were a child ... probably you can learn a lot from that.

33 Can't Sleep Do you have problems getting to sleep? Are you regularly awake at 4 am, lying there trying to sleep with a million thoughts running through your mind while wondering if you would get any sleep at all? Do you look at the clock and realize you have to get up soon and go to work but are so tired you really would rather stay in bed?

If this sounds familiar and perhaps even a little frightening then you might just have a problem. The good thing is that it's a problem that can be fixed. Yes, you can enjoy a good night of restful sleep. First you need to realize that it is your own subconscious that has taken control and is causing you to be awake. For whatever reason, your subconscious is not letting you get the sleep you need. So unless you've been drinking a lot of coffee or using some other stimulant then the reason you are awake is your own inner self. Your mind has run away with your troubles and is the real culprit causing you to lay there sleepless. One of the key ways to get a good sleep is in re-training your subconscious and teach it to stop running around at a million miles an hour. There are many ways to do this but here's one I like to use. Distract yourself The problem with having the subconscious take over and stop us from sleeping is that we easily fall into that pattern of sleeplessness and we can find it constantly reoccurring. Because

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it happens a few times in a row, we dread it's occurrence and that tends to once again reinforce that pattern. What is needed is to do something that breaks the pattern and distracts us from thinking about it. One way is to do something that distracts your mind from thinking about your troubles. You could read a book, or even get up and watch a dull show on TV. Late night reruns, depending on the show, are perfect for that. Anything is valid if it helps distract your mind and also is conducive to relaxing. Of course, we all know that relaxing the body and the mind are perfect for helping you sleep. What was that you said? But you're unable to relax? Well let's see if I can help you with that. There are a number of methods and ways you can use relaxation to help distract your mind. Here's one of them. Muscle relaxing

With this method you lie there in bed and consciously relax all the muscles in your body. You want to start at one end and work your way to the other end. I prefer to start with my head, and get those muscles relaxed first but you can do it however suits you best. If you start with your head first, you will want to concentrate on relaxing the muscles of your face, then try to let that feeling of relaxation flow through into the rest of your head. The first few times you do this, you may find it's hard to get the muscles to relax and it may help if you actually touch those muscles at the same time you are concentrating on making them relax under your fingers. By touching the muscle and concentrating on relaxing you are training your subconscious to let go of the tension in that area. When you have done this a few times, you will no longer need the trigger of touch as simply concentrating on it happening will do the job. This is because you have now retrained that portion of your mind and it will fall into the pattern of letting the muscle relax.


When you get to the back of your neck and relax those muscles you may feel twitches or twinges or even noises since those areas can hold a lot of tension and strain. Don't be concerned about any noises that may occur when you relax muscles, as that is normal. Those areas may well be quite tense and could have been like that for a long time. Also, don't be concerned if it takes awhile to relax your back and the muscles of your shoulders as this is due to the many areas that can hold tension being released one by one. It can take awhile to relax them all as you will relax the tension in one area and then find another that feels tense and then that area once relaxed will highlight tension elsewhere. Perhaps music could help

I also find that listening to relaxing music through head phones can help me relax. Of course, the music needs to be suitable for that purpose and only if you are not going to be disturbing someone else. These relaxation methods are only a few of a number of meditation techniques that could help you ease your troubled brow and help you get some much needed sleep. Sleep well and peacefully.

34 Control Fear There is no such thing as fear. How's that for a bold statement! Good, now I have your attention, let me explain myself. There are various factors that can create fear and most people don't realize that fear itself is something that is totally internal to their own mind. It is not a real physical thing, you can't point to something and say, "That over there is fear, watch out or you'll trip over it". It is a product of our subconscious reactions to certain stimuli that is internal to ourselves, although it can certainly feel real enough when it creeps up on you. The good news is that since it is a by-product of our reactions to things, you have a number of options to deal with it or even remove it entirely. Once you are aware of the causes, you can control it and work with it and eventually remove it as a problem in your life. Rudy Giuliani once said: "Courage is not the absence of fear; rather it is the management of fear." Fear is something that you can manage, control and in some cases remove entirely. I will point out though that some fears serve a useful purpose, for instance the fear of fire stops us putting our hand in the fire, the fear of getting run over stops us from running across a busy freeway. I am sure you can think of some other examples of where fear is a good thing to have, so common sense should prevail in your efforts to remove fear from your life.


When your fear level goes up, your ability to think rationally trends downward to the point where you can act in ways inappropriate to the situation. Of course, being, afraid doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you since everyone feels afraid of a wide variety of things, but when fear takes over your life or becomes prevalent in situations where it isn't appropriate that is where you should take control. Learning to be in control of yourself is an important skill to learn and will serve you well all your life. A lot of fears can be created by what we are thinking and the way we are thinking. You do have a choice about your thoughts since it's your brain and you can be in control of it. As I said earlier, fear can be useful and you can use it when you decide to use it and not when the subconscious chooses. If you walk around all day concentrating on your fears, you are reinforcing those fears to yourself and is something to be aware of. As I mentioned, sometimes fear can also help us make the 'correct choices' for various situations since if we didn't fear the bad choices there would be no reason to stop choosing them. The important point though is to make a conscious decision about whether to be fearful in a situation or to allow the rational mind to make a choice amongst the possible solutions. Common sense will dictate your reaction. For example, if the reason you feel afraid is because of danger, get out of that situation as quickly as you can. Your safety is important, never neglect that. To begin to control the fear, you will need to examine it and see what it is that frightens you i.e. what component causes you to react in a fearful manner? Naturally, when it happens, unless you are practiced at this, it will be difficult to examine your thoughts since you will have a mix of fear induced chemicals running through your body. Examining your thoughts as soon as possible after the event is necessary though. What is your fear and what aspect of your fear are you afraid of? What is it that

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frightens you the most? These are important questions you should ask yourself. Sometimes our fears are rooted in something that has happened in our past. An event happened and our brains learned to be afraid of something. If this is so, then you need to find out what the event in the past was and examine it as rationally as you can. Is the fear even real or is it imagined? Our subconscious mind often can't recognize an event that is real from an event that was imagined or programmed into us by ourselves or someone else. For example, a parent can unknowingly program a child to be afraid of a range of things, either unwillingly or because the parent is afraid and through showing this fear to the child, transfers that fear. Who knows how many generations this fear can be transferred or in what manner. Try to understand where the fear comes from and that will be a major step toward regaining control of the fear. Sometimes, the fear is about something that is unlikely to happen and yet our brain tells us that it will and then the fear builds up inside us. Examine the event and work out how unlikely it is to affect you. This occurs time and again and is most noticeable with the media and it's portrayal of events. They tend to focus on the negative images and reinforce our fears by retelling tragic events over and over again. The reason they do this is the business they are in, a business that needs to have people watching their programs and staying tuned so that their sponsors or advertisers have the opportunity to sell their wares. I have found that a lot of people aren't aware of the biases the media have when they portray a story although it's easy enough to watch out for once you are aware of it. To control the fear you can do the following: 1.

Do whatever is needed to prepare yourself for your fear. Often preparing for something that is fearful will help you gain control over it since you are ready and able to handle it better.


2.

Is there a way to desensitize yourself to your fear? Will repetition of the event make the fear go away?

3.

Teach yourself to enjoy the task if it's sensible to do so. This can be done through using an assortment of positive reinforcement techniques. Repeating to yourself that the task is good for you, or reinforcing for yourself the benefits that facing the fear will bring. (This and No 1 are good for public speaking.)

4.

Train yourself to acknowledge the fear and accept it for what it is, simply your mind telling your body that something concerns it. Repeatedly telling yourself that you are no longer concerned about it and not to be afraid will help you believe.

Always be kind to yourself. Fear happens to everyone and you can choose to work with it and nullify its effects rather than let it take control. Don't be frustrated with yourself if you don't see the effects immediately since it can take time to resolve. Fear can be controlled. Remove it's power to affect you and you remove the fear itself. Having the self-confidence to be able to handle situations will help you with other events as well. You will build up an ability to cope with that you didn't know you had.

35 Clarifying Your Core Values A key element of "knowing thyself" is sorting out what's really important to you. Without a clear sense of your personal principles and priorities, it's almost impossible to bring the picture of your preferred future sharply into focus. Investing the time and effort to uncover and articulate your personal principles has many important benefits. 1.

You'll have a strong foundation to build your leadership upon. James Kouzes and Barry Posner's study of credible and effective ieaders led them to conclude, "Values are directly relevant to credibility. To do what we say we will do (our respondents' behavioral definition of credibility), we must know what we want to do and how we wish to behave. That's what our values help us define."

2.

Clear personal principles give you a much stronger sense of your personal "bottomline." Knowing where you stand clarifies what you won't sit still for.

3.

It's easier to make choices between conflicting opportunities that arise, where to invest your time, what behavior is most appropriate, and where you need to concentrate your personal improvement efforts.

4.

You'll be much closer to finding your personal energy source and developing that critical leadership passion.

5.

Your self-identity, self-confidence and sense of security will be strengthened.


6.

Your principles will provide the stable and solid core you need to transform the rapid changes coming at all of us from terrifying threats into exciting opportunities.

7.

You can more clearly see to what extent your personal values are aligned with your team and organization's values.

To clarify your core values, develop a comprehensive list of all your possible values. Now rank each one as "A" (high importance), "B" (medium importance), "C" (low importance). Review your A and B values. Are there any that you feel are essentially the same value or one is an obvious subset of the other? If so, bring them together and rename it if necessary. Rank order the remaining list from highest through to lowest priority. You should now have your top five core values. Focusing on your core values:

1.

Ask yourself whether these are your true, internal "bone deep" beliefs or an external "should" value. We often don't recognize a lifetime of conditioning that has left us with other people's belief systems. Replace any "should" values with your own.

2.

Examine each core value to ensure that it is your end value and not a means to some other end. For example, wealth is seldom a value in itself. It's usually the means to status, power, security, recognition, freedom, accomplishment, pleasure, helping others, or some other end value.

3. Write out a "statement of philosophy" that outlines and explains each of your core values. This is for your own private use, so be as honest and candid as you can. These exercises are rarely done quickly. It could take you dozens or even hundreds of hours to sort through the "shouldas", "oughtas" and "couldas" and get to your basic, core principles. The more meditation, contemplation, and writing time you put into this, the truer and more energizing your core values will become.

36 Dreams Can Come True The Time Is Now The glorious day! The day when I will scale the peak of my being, when all and sundry will be mine. 0 God Almighty, when will You bestow that day to me! Ah, but poor me, why am I still hopelessly seeking? Have I not been good, have I not done all that is expected righteously by me? Why am I still, left wondering? Sounds familiar, is it not? I have said it, so have you, and millions of us are still seeking that elusive day, when we will shine, the day the world will feel our presence and we will bask in the stardom of life. Seek? Are you really seeking, or is it just a figment of your imagination? What is there to seek, my friend? The day is there for you, the world around you is glowing very second, and the humanity around you is throbbing and pulsating with energy. Where are you lost in this dynamic world, my friend? Do not seek, my friend, take stock of yourself and your needs and dreams, and step into this dynamism called life and put your first step in the direction of your desire. A step at a time my friend, just a step, at a time. Not by leaps and bounds, just one small step at a time. Keep the focus of your desire in sight, but start your venture with care and steadiness. Do not try and emulate the ways and means of the others who have reached their dreams, for you really not know, how and in what


circumstances they reached their peak. You have to furrow your own path. Life is no pure science like mathematics where you will find constant formulas, just put the figures and as expected, Lo and Behold! You have reached the solution. Each peak conquered has been in different ways. No run of the mill solutions here. The path you make and trudge will be unique but will bear resemblances to others who have been there before, but it will still retain its uniqueness. Is that scary? I don't think so. Why not, you may ask? We are each unique in our own ways, uniquely different, in our dreams. We have a mental development, which only we know about, nothing common, and nothing replicable. Yes, it may appear similar, since there is hardly anything new that has not been found or developed on this earth, however, each path breaking effort on similar lines are intrinsically different. Why then are you waiting to make your dreams and desires come true? Similar to the flowchart steps in a computer program, you will have just two alternatives. Yes and No. Each yes, will still lead on to two more alternatives, again a yes and a no. Keep going or retrace your steps for corrections and you will reach your dreams. Simple, is it not? Simple! I hardly know how to begin. How to begin, or when to begin, my friend? Let me illustrate an example for you. The highest peak in the world, Mount Everest, can be seen from a distance, so is your dream, your peak. You know what to focus on, but what you may not be clear is, when and how to being. Good, you at least, are in agreement that your desire, your peak is visible to you. Now, ask yourself, when should I take my first step toward my peak. What is wrong with today? Is it hazy outside, or are you just lazy to start your steps in the direction of your peak? More dreams lie shattered because of the waiting to begin. Many people live their lives in utter boredom, in bemoaning

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their incapacities than undertaking the journey toward their desires. You don't have to do that, if you want to bask in achievements, all you have to do is start your steps in the direction of your peak. This brings us back to my earlier statement, one step at a time. Why one step at a time, you may ask? The journey to your peak is as similar to a person joining a gym. At the gym, you will find people of all sizes and strengths, but are you one of them, just because you step into the gym. No, you are nowhere near these people, they have been there for longer period of time, and you have just entered the gym. An advice, oft repeated in the gym, comes to my mind, do not try and pitch yourself in contest to the other, you will only bruise yourself and dampen your ego. Ah, ego! What a powerful emotion? Yes, it is true, in similar lines to the very many, who did not begin their journeys and their dreams lay shattered, ego too has brought with it many, many failures. Leave it at the door of your journey. You are only at the first step of your way to success; don't turn your dreams to failure by contesting within yourself. A step at a time, remember what I said, a small but sure step at a time and in due course not only will you be more sure of yourself on your path to success, but will also be more strong and committed. Now that you are clear of how to begin your journey, let us take a look at when to begin. When? What a showstopper? What is missing in you, in reality is the urge for your success, the desperation for your dreams. That's all. Don't you want to make your dreams a reality? Is it not want you want, to single you out in the multitude of humanity? Do I hear a resounding YES to my question? Then how about today! Well said by someone, Yesterday is a past, Tomorrow is a dream, but Today, Today is a present, a present to you, by the Good Lord. Why not make the most of it, when you can? The longer you wait, more dense will be the cobwebs around your dream and then one day, it too will be a spot of displeasure in


your life. Wake up, my friend, step outside your door, and see the sun greet you, like it has done for a million years. The sun has kept its date with you and will do so, for a million more years, how about you keeping a date with your dreams.

37 Eye Contact Communication Here is a tip for those of you who are wondering why your messages just don't seem to get across to someone you are speaking to. It's not what you say that is important but how you say it that counts! How you say something is most often much more powerful than what you say. Do you pay attention to your body language, eye contact, and voice inflection when you speak? How does your nonverbal communication work for you? Did you realize that your tone of voice and facial expressions tell people so much more than words itself? The tone of your voice, its inflection, and the facial expressions given during a conversation account for more than 92 per cent of your message. The actual words only account for a mere 8 per cent of getting your message across. So what does it take to learn to communicate effectively with other people? Fortunately, you do not need a college education or a huge tedwical vocabulary to communicate assertively and effectively to make yourself understood. Remember, as stated above, it is not what you say but how you say it that matters. Repeat this to yourself often throughout the day. The way you speak, which is considered your non-verbal communication, can either enhance and totally support the words that you are saying, or can do just the opposite and oppose what you are saying.


Now come to the importance of eye contact and how much it impacts the way you communicate toward other people. The eyes are an important factor when it comes to communication. Have you ever been conversing with someone who would literally stare off into space or keep their eyes glued to their feet the entire time? Not too inspiring, are they? If anyone has told you that you do the same thing with your eye contact when speaking then it is vital that you learn to communicate with more confidence and polish by keeping your head up and vary the direction of your gaze. Always keep in mind that eye contact emphasizes a point and establishes trust with the other person or group of persons. On the other end of the spectrum of eye contact, you have people that will stare continuously while speaking, without ever taking their eyes off the other person. This makes people feel very uncomfortable. If this is you, then practice glancing at the other person for a second and then glance away to show that you are not just staring at them. When speaking, using relaxed and steady gaze while occasionally looking away, shows interest and respect for the other person.

38 Searching for Happiness Searching for happiness is like riding a taxi in search of a taxi

You wouldn't take a taxi to search for a taxi, would you? Why search for what you already have? The search for happiness is no different. It's a search for something you already have. Granted, it may not be obvious, for your happiness may be hidden in the recesses of your being. Do you remember the story of the ugly duckling? Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tale is a powerful story that strikes a chord with us because we see ourselves. For we are ugly ducklings. At least we think we are. Until we awaken to the fact that we are beautiful swans, we will be unhappy. Happiness is discovering who we really are. We were born as swans, full of potential, in love with the world, and happy. But we were told we were ugly ducklings and came to believe the lies. Like a huge mud slide burying a village, the lies people told buried our happiness. Although unseen, our happiness is still there, ready to reappear as soon as we wash away the mud. The swan is our true self; the ugly duckling is our false self. Another name for our false self is EGO. What is our ego? Nothing more than negative thoughts we have about ourselves. Examples of such thoughts are: "I'm worthless. I'm a bum. I'm lazy. I'm bad. I'm stupid." These thoughts are lies, but after hearing them as young children we came to accept them as true. After repeatedly being told we were stupid, we came to believe it. Because of that belief, we acted


stupidly. And that negative behavior reinforced the negative belief. Before long, whenever we looked in the mirror, all we saw was an ugly duckling. How do we break the cycle? We start by understanding what led us to believe we are ugly ducklings. We awaken by realizing that we are swans, magnificent beings capable of flight. Awareness of our true self is the beginning of happiness. As we wash away the mud (lies), our true nature will shine forth. As we realize that our actions were not based on what we are, but what we thought we were, our potential will have the opportunity to unfold. True, after holding false beliefs for many years, it is difficult to find happiness in ourselves, but it is not possible to find it anywhere else. So, the time to awaken is now. The sooner we change our perspective and thoughts, the sooner we will experience happiness. Our reality is created by the thoughts we focus on. We need to change our focus from what we can't do to what we can, from problems to solutions, from depression to inspiration, from doubt to confidence. Focus on what you want to be, not on what you think you are. Whenever we catch ourselves having a negative thought, it is time to ask, "Why am I experiencing this thought? What should I be thinking in its place? What action can I take to get back on track?" Once we realize our true nature, we won't go looking for happiness in all the wrong places. But as long as we are trapped in our ego, we will feel that we are incomplete and imperfect. Believing that we are inferior, we will search for happiness outside ourselves. After all, the EGO believes "Everything Good is Outside" (E.G.O.). We mistakenly believe that we will find happiness when we do something else, move somewhere else, or meet someone else. But no matter where we move, what we do, or who we meet, we will always be in our own company. If we can't be happy where we are, we can't be happy where we're not. Is it possible to be happy if we do not accept and love ourselves?

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The surest and easiest path to happiness is to give it to others. This idea is expressed beautifully in the following Chinese proverb, "If you want happiness for an hour - take a nap. If you want happiness for a day - go fishing. If you want happiness for a month - get married. If you want happiness for a year - inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime help someone else." Along similar lines, Buddha said, "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." The Dalai Lama, who is the living Buddha of the Tibetans, has said, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." Happiness is a priceless gift. When we hold onto it, it is a seed; when we share it, it is a flower. When we divide it among others, it grows and multiplies. Where do we go from here? Well, Oscar Wilde describes two types of people, and we need to decide which group we want to belong to: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

39 Finding Forgiveness Forgiving is for giving Forgiving is for giving. When we forgive, we become godlike. And how does God forgive? It is described in the Sunni Islamic holy book, Mishkat AI-Masabih, "Whoever approaches Me walking, I will come to him running; and he who meets Me with sins equivalent to the whole world, I will greet him with forgiveness equal to it." God's forgiveness, then, is unconditional and unlimited. In the same vein, Peter asked Christ how many times he should forgive someone who injured him. "Until seven times?" asked Peter. "I don't tell you until seven times," said Jesus, "but until seventy times seven." Of course, Christ didn't mean that our forgiveness should be limited to 490 times, but that it should be unlimited. In Hindu scripture, the message is the same: "One should forgive under any injury. It hath been said that the continuation of the species is due to man's being forgiving. Forgiveness is holiness; by forgiveness the universe is held together. Forgiveness is the might of the mighty; forgiveness is sacrifice; forgiveness is quiet of mind. Forgiveness and gentleness are the qualities of the Self-possessed. They represent eternal virtue." (Mahabharata, c. 400 CE) Granted, as mere mortals, it is difficult to change from someone who is always bickering, squabbling, and arguing to

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someone who forgives 'until seventy times seven.' Yet, with a little effort and some baby steps, we can make progress. We can start by changing our focus from the hurtful acts of others to their kindness. No one is completely bad or good and we can choose which area to focus on. With practice, we can learn to stop blaming, condemning and punishing others. As we forgive others, we will come to realize that we are decent after all and grow to forgive ourselves. On this subject, Anna patty duke Pearce has this to say, "It's toughest to forgive ourselves. So it's probably best to start with other people. It's almost like peeling an onion. Layer after layer, forgiving others, you really do get to the point where you can forgive yourself. Perhaps the quickest way to learn how to forgive is by studying human nature. For when we understand why people misbehave, it becomes easy to forgive them. As Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1819 -- 1892) put it, "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." And what is true for others, is true for us. In other words, forgiveness is also the act of recognizing we are no different than others. We are no more guilty and no more innocent than our neighbor. Tom asked, "Have you forgiven your kidnapper?" liNo/' Mary replied, "l can never forgive him for keeping me captive for five years." "Until you forgive him/' Tom answered, "you will remain a prisoner." Although Mary was rescued by the police several years ago, she remains in prison, shackled by anger, resentment and bitterness. Does that make sense? Forgiveness sets one free. It is a gift we give ourselves. When we deny forgiveness to others, we deny ourselves the capacity to love. And we deny ourselves of the healing and peace that accompanies love. To remain bitter is to remain twisted, tormented, tortured and in a state of dis-ease. Besides, when we refuse to forgive others, we are simply giving them power over our lives while losing control over our well-being.


Doctor Jampolsky founded the first Center for Attitudinal Healing in Tiburon, California. There are now 120 such centers across the United States as well as in over 30 countries. During an interview of he and his wife, Diane V. Cirincione, had this to say: "Forgiveness is the key to happiness, the key to peace of mind. Unfortunately, most people miss the real point of forgiveness. It's not enough to forgive someone for having done something you disagreed with. You have to go much deeper than that. You've got to forgive yourself for your misconception of that person - for judging that person and not seeing them as a loving human being. And that relieves guilt". "Letting go of judgment really takes a shift in perspective. There are 360 degrees of everything that exists on this planet. So whether you're looking at a flower or a human being, there are 360 different ways to view it. Unless you've explored every angle, there's no way you can totally know that object or person. And without knowing everything about someone, you can't possibly understand the reasons for his actions. So why not be open to that fact? Why waste your energy judging?" (Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D) In addition to dispensing healthy doses of forgiveness this

Christmas, you may also want to give one of these five books as a gift to yourself or a loved one. Each book deals with the healing properties of positive emotions and the punishing effects of negative emotions on the body.

40 Find the Purpose Life What on earth are you doing for Heaven's sake?

I'd like to share with you the stories of two men. The first is a Prince in a distant land. One morning he fetched his bow and arrow as was his custom, mounted his favorite horse, and set off for the forest. After coming to a clearing, he dismounted, tied the reins to a branch, and entered the bushes in search of prey. After a moment, he heard a rustle behind him. When he turned to look, he saw a stag. But before he could draw his bow, the magical stag spoke to him, saying, "What on earth are you doing for Heaven's sake?" "I'm hunting," replied the astonished Prince. "That's not what I meant." said the stag. "Heaven has given you the gift of life. Now that you have received it, what are you doing for Heaven?" The above is an adaptation of a Sufi story. In it, the magical stag is trying to explain to the Prince that there is more to life than hunting or having fun. We have been given the gift of life for a reason. When we understand that reason, our life becomes infused with purpose and meaning. A Sufi sage, Rumi, has this to add to what has been said by the magical stag: "One thing must not be forgotten. Forget all else, but remember this, and you'll have no regrets. Remember and be concerned with everything else, but ignore this one thing, and you'll have done nothing. It is as if a king has sent you on a


mission to a foreign land to perform one specific task for him. If you do a hundred things, but not this appointed task, what have you accomplished? Human beings come into this world for a particular purpose, and if they forget it they will have done nothing at all." Galal AI-Din Rumi, 1207 - 1273) The story of the magical stag, then, reminds us that from time to time we need to stop what we are doing and ask ourselves, "Is this why I'm here?" Purpose brings more than clarity to our lives, for it also brings power. The Hindu sage Patafijali explains why this is so: "When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be." (Patafijali is said to be the author of "The Yoga 5utra" and the founder of Yoga. If he actually lived, it was probably around AD 200.) Now, let's consider the story of Wilf, the second man I promised to write about. Unlike the Prince, Wilf is not a man of means. Yet, whenever he can be of help, he doesn't hesitate to act. No wonder Wilf always has a smile and something cheerful to say, for he is living a life of purpose. His purpose is quite simple: TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. And over the years, he has made a difference in the lives of untold numbers of people. Here's a recent example. Rather than just give a couple of dollars to a destitute man, Wilf tried to make him less dependent on the generosity of others and more self-reliant. So, Wilf purchased and gave him ten copies of the "Outreach Connection" to sell. (The "Outreach Connection" is a newspaper sold by the homeless in Toronto. They pay 40~ per copy and sell it for $1.00 each.) "Here," said Wilf, "you can earn ten dollars by selling these papers for a dollar a piece. I will be your first

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customer. Here's a dollar; let me have a copy. After you sell all the copies, use four dollars to buy another ten copies, and just keep repeating this as often as you'd like. I wish you good luck in your new business!" We can tell what a person's purpose is by noting their actions. The Prince, for instance, was only interested in amusing himself by hunting. He may have kept himself busy, but he was still idle, for as Socrates taught, "They are not only idle who do nothing, but they are idle also who might be better employed." In other words, although the Prince was spending time, he wasn't using it in the best possible way. Had he thought like Ben Franklin (1706 -- 1790), he might have acted differently. "The noblest question in the world is," according to Ben Franklin, "what good may I do in it?" If you haven't already discovered your life purpose, all you have to do is ask yourself the same question. Here are other questions that will help you discover your mission or purpose in life. Who do I admire? What type of person do I want to be? What are my unique talents and how can I apply them to improve the world? How can I express the best of myself? How can I contribute to the world? How can I make it a better place?

Your purpose is not your job or any of the roles you play. Rather, your purpose shapes and defines everything you do. Choose your purpose carefully because you are only as noble, only as inspiring, and only as valuable as your purpose. It defines, shapes and creates you. Its importance should be obvious. After all, what's the purpose of living, if you don't have something to live for? My life purpose can be described in five words: Explore, discover, learn, share, encourage. Here are some more examples of life purposes:


To make a difference to lighten the burdens of others with humor to inspire and motivate to guide to befriend to comfort to empower to create to be compassionate to be accepting. One more story before I end. In some far-off land, a woman looked out and saw three strangers standing in front of her hut. She went out to greet the strangers who traveled a great distance. "You must be hungry," she said, "please come in and we will feed you." "Thank you," said the tallest stranger. "These are my companions Wealth and Success. My name is Love. We thank you for your invitation, but only one of us can enter your home. Please ask your husband which one of us he would like to invite . " m. The woman was puzzled, but didn't want to offend the strangers, so she agreed. "Husband," she said as she entered her hut, "the three strangers standing outside are called Wealth, Success, and Love. Only one can be invited for dinner. Who would you like to invite?" "Well," said the husband as he scratched his chin, "if we invite Wealth into our home, perhaps our fortune will improve." "Yes, but," said the wife hesitantly, "our daughter is starting school. Perhaps by inviting Success, our daughter will do well in her studies." "But Mommy," her daughter jumped in, "let's invite Love so our home will always be filled with love." "I'm lucky to share my life with two clever women;" said the husband, "especially my daughter who is wise beyond her years. Okay, Sweet One, you a;e right. Go out and invite Love." The wife was bewildered as her daughter led all three strangers into their home. "But you said only one of you could enter." she said to the strangers quizzically.

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"Yes," said Love. If you were to ask for Wealth or Success, only one could enter. But when you invite Love into your life, Success and Wealth will always follow." Well, dear reader, as you choose your life purpose, may your life be filled with meaning, and may Success and Wealth always follow you.

41 Opportunity Nowhere Vs Opportunity Now Here Opportunity is Nowhere

What did you see when you read the title of this chapter? Did you see OPPORTUNITY IS NOWHERE or OPPORTUNITY IS NOW HERE? Whether opportunity is nowhere to be found or is noW here is a matter of perspective. Like the title of this article, it depends on how we view life. Everything good that happens to us is an opportunity that we have found. Everything "bad" that happens to us is an opportunity waiting to be discovered. Take the case of Gracie and WaIter. They decided to make their honeymoon peaceful and quiet, as well as romantic, so they left for a log cabin in the country. Every morning at sunrise, however, a woodpecker started hammering at the roof. The sounds echoed throughout the room, disturbing the sleep of the newlyweds. Did they get frustrated and angry? Did they demand to move to another cabin? No, they laughed it off. In fact, they used this "disturbance" as an opportunity. They used it as inspiration for creating the Woody Woodpecker cartoon character. You see, Waiter Lantz was the cartoonist and his wife, Gracie, became the voice of Woody Woodpecker! Some, like Waiter and Gracie, RESPOND to a disturbance by changing it into a positive event. Others REACT in anger, oblivious to the hidden opportunity. When we respond, we are in charge; we use our reason and creativity to advance. But when

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we react, we abdicate our control to our emotions; we remain stuck in the mire of mediocrity. For those who react to every difficulty, opportunity is nowhere. Perhaps they're afraid of getting eyestrain by looking at the bright side. But for those who respond to every challenge, opportunity is now here. They have an open mind, heart, and eyes. Opportunities are handed to us, uncovered by us, or created by us. In 1962, I was accepted as a student by a Japanese language school in Tokyo, Japan. The only problem was the Japanese government wouldn't allow me to enter the country unless I had a Japanese sponsor. The sponsor would be legally liable for any of my unpaid bills during my stay in Japan. But how could I get a sponsor if I didn't know anyone in that country? Despite repeated visits to the Japanese Embassy in Washington D.C, no help was to be found. After all, rules are rules. Instead of reacting in frustration and anger, I decided to respond by thinking things through: I decided I had to create my own opportunity. As I reached the bus stop close to the embassy, I saw two gentlemen speaking in Japanese. I followed them aboard the bus, and with my heart racing, sat down next to them. I've got to do something now, I thought, and struck up a conversation with them. It turns out they were members of the Japanese Diet (Parliament) and in Washington to study the American Congressional system. They accepted my invitation to give them a tour of the city that day. The tour was followed by dinner at my father's house. After dinner and entertainment, I explained my problem. Instantly, both agreed to become my sponsor. I just needed one, so I choose Mr. Suzuki. Thanks to his willingness to sign the necessary documents, I spent fifteen exciting years in Japan. This is an example of the magical power of ASKING. For as Christ said, Ask and you shall receive./I Also, this was only /I


one in a long series of opportunities that I created, and something that we can all do. Ladies, what if you were born unattractive? Would that be a disadvantage or an opportunity? According to Golda Meir, Israel's first woman Prime Minister, "Not being beautiful was the true blessing ... Not being beautiful forced me to develop my inner resources. The pretty girl has a handicap to overcome." What happens when someone becomes destitute? Should they throw in the towel or try to uncover a hidden opportunity? Read what Eileen Caddy said, "When you feel that you have reached the end and that you cannot go one step further, when life seems to be drained of all purpose. What a wonderful opportunity to start all over again, to turn over a new page." If we are to uncover opportunity, we must realize that it often comes disguised as a problem, challenge, or obstacle. Barriers are meant to be smashed and hurdles meant to be jumped. Sure, life is full of hard knocks, but it may be opportunity that is knocking. Thomas A. Edison explains another reason why opportunities are often overlooked, "Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work."

Opportunities abound. We are faced with hundreds, if not daily, weekly. They are in the choices we make all during the day. Do I drink water or coffee? Do I skip rope in the gym or skip my exercise? Do I jump to opportunities or jump to conclusions? Do I accept helpful criticism or ignore it. Do I arrive at work early or late? Can you see how each choice I make results in an opportunity gained or lost? To take advantage of the power of choice, it is a good idea to review our decisions at the end of the day. With constant evaluation, our choices will improve. Don't trivialize the importance of the smallest decisions, for small opportunities add up to big ones. Why are there so many people who never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity? Those who complain of lack

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of opportunity frequently have no goals. How can we find what we are not looking for? The golden opportunity we are searching for is within ourselves. It is our perception, attitude and ambition that bring opportunity to life. It is our choices and actions that result in opportunity. Opportunity comes not only by our willingness to strike while the iron is hot, but by striking until the iron grows hot. It is worth remembering Douglas MacArthur's words, "There is no security in this life. There is only opportunity." Also significant is this Arabian proverb, "Four things come not back. The spoken word, the sped arrow, the past life, and the neglected opportunity." Thomas Jones describes something we do not want to do: "Many do with opportunities as children do at the seashore; they fill their little hands with sand, and then let the grains fall through, one by one, till all are gone." As we reach the next millennium, let's graciously accept all the opportunities offered to us, diligently uncover those hidden from us, and enthusiastically create those denied to us.

42 Feeling Sad Before offering suggestions, it may help to define and clarify the meaning of SADNESS. This word simply means "unhappiness," which, in turn, means" dissatisfied by what is." In other words, we feel sad when people or circumstances fail to meet our expectations or demands. People set themselves up for unhappiness (sadness) by making demands. For example, if someone were to say or believe "I expect (demand) to be treated with respect", they are also saying "I cannot be happy if I am not treated with respect." The above expectation or demand is foolish. Why? Because it makes our happiness dependent on the behavior of others. Since we cannot control others, and because someone, someplace, at some time will disrespect us, when we make such a demand, we guarantee our own unhappiness. That isn't smart, is it? If I walk in the sun, I feel warm. Feeling warm is caused by an external reality, the sun. Feeling sad, however, is not caused by an external reality. Rather, it is a fabrication of our own mind. It is a decision we make. It is like a child throwing a temper tantrum and saying, "I refuse to be happy if you disrespect me! I refuse to be happy if I lose a person or object I love! I refuse to be happy if I cannot feel sad! (How sad that I'm not sad!)

When we appreciate what we have, we are able to accept life without making demands. No longer distracted by demands, we will be in a position to enjoy what life offers. And the more we are thankful for what we have, the more we will have to be thankful for.

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Returning to Amy, what is sad is not her inability to feel sad, but her inability to accept herself as she is. You see, we are all unique, and part of our uniqueness includes our faults or weaknesses. When we refuse to reveal our genuine nature, we deny everyone we meet of experiencing our own uniqueness. Consider these words of Joseph Campbell (1904 -- 1987), "Both the artist and the lover know that perfection is not lovable. It is the clumsiness of a fault that makes a person lovable." The problem with thinking we have a problem is that it creates stress. And when stressed, the harder we try to do something, the harder it is to do. This is called the Law of Reverse Effort. Others express the same idea by saying "What we resist, persists." So, the more Amy tries to feel sad, the more elusive the feeling becomes. Rather than trying to force herself to become what she thinks she should be, she will be better off letting go off her expectation and allowing herself to become the person she was meant to be. Of course, when Amy says she wants to feel sad, she doesn't mean she wants to be unhappy; she merely means that she wishes to experience sorrow at the right occasions. Obviously, she wouldn't want to appear cheerful at the funeral of a close friend. So, it is okay for her to wish her sadness will return, but instead of trying to WILL its return, it is more effective to INVITE it to return at its own leisure. Also, avoid asking questions such as "How long will it take to return?" For that question indicates lack of patience, which invites stress and resistance. But is it all that bad not to be able to feel sad? Hospice doctors and nurses, for instance, may emotionally detach themselves from their patients. After all, mourning for the deaths of their patients would be too draining and make them unable to help those in need. Besides, by deliberately dissociating from their feelings, they can remain objective and clearheaded.


Enlightened Buddhist monks also do not experience sadness because they do not cling to or desire anything. Their lives are one of acceptance, compassion and serenity. But their state of mind is not something they seek after, but something they awaken to. Getting back to Amy, when her friends talk about tragic events, she may mistakenly believe that they are feeling sad. Yet, like the Buddhist monks, her friends may feel compassionate without feeling sad. Remember, not only do we have a right to be happy, we have a duty to be happy. For there is already too much sadness in the world and others are counting on us to spread our happiness. Does what I've written so far mean we should avoid being sad? No, because grief over the loss of a loved one is usually needed before we can move on with life and continue helping others. Also, sorrow increases our repertoire of emotions and adds to the richness of life.

43 Importance of Silence We all have within us a center of stillness surrounded by silence Dag Hammerskj6ld (1905 -- 1961) said, "We all have within us a center of stillness surrounded by silence." Yet, for some, silence and stillness are elusive. Caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life, they find it difficult to drown out the clamor swirling about them. Even if they can retreat to a quiet spot, there is still the endless chatter in their minds to deal with. By chatter, I mean the swarm of thoughts that endlessly races through our minds. This incessant self-talk is like ripples on the surface of a pool, obscuring the stillness and serenity that lies deep within. Stress can be a friend, for when it arrives, it gently tells us, "You need a break. You need to find solace in solitude. Dive deeply into the silence within. For it is in silence that we rejuvenate." Once we develop the habit of regularly visiting our inner oasis of silence, we will discover that there isn't any noise after all, just the sounds of life. Some find their inner stillness through the path of meditation. Yet, it isn't necessary to sit quietly with eyes closed to experience the tranquility of silence. It is just as accessible when enjoying nature or taking a walk. In his book, Echoes of Silence, Robert Rabbin paints a wonderful illustration: "We walk along a beach in that beautiful time of twilight and dusk. As we walk, our thoughts and concerns leave us one by one. We walk further and we become still without even noticing


it, until we step out of time. We are no longer walking on the beach. We are no longer looking at the sky or sinking sun. We are no longer watching the birds or running away from the surf. In our walking, something has happened: we have walked out of ourselves into everything. We have become everything. We don't know if the birds are circling and diving out there, or in here. We are the birds. We are the waves, the sand, the cool air, the fading light, the setting sun. We are the animating presence within everything. We are all of this, without so much as a single thought or word to confirm it. There is no center, no boundary, no self-consciousness. There is no effort, no concern, no problem, no intention, no ambition-and yet everything is happening: walking, breathing, flying. Something is aware. Someone is aware. What? Who? No one can say. There is too much Silence for thoughts and words." Lao-Tzu (c. sixth century BC) sums up the paragraph of Robert Rabbin in a single line, "Just remain in the center, watching. And then forget that you are there." In other words, we first become absorbed BY what we see, then become absorbed IN what we see. For example, we may see a dewdrop resting on a flower petal. At first we see its sparkling beauty, and are later overcome by the power of its silence. Finally, it and its surroundings absorb us until nothing remains but silence. So, meditation -- helpful as it is -- isn't necessary to discover the sanctuary of silence. A simple walk will do. In fact, even that is unnecessary, for as Franz Kafka (1883 - 1924) wrote, "You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet." To discover silence is like an orphan discovering their parents, for silence - nothingness -- is the womb from which all that is has come forth. Therefore, when you search for nothing(ness), you find everything.

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Lao-Tzu uncovered a great paradox when he taught, "Silence is the great revelation." We may turn to books for revelation, but the authors of the books we read found the interlude of silence to be a source of inspiration and an opportunity to fashion their thoughts. So, by entering our own inner silence, we can bypass authors and go direct to the source. Here's how Aldous Huxley (1894 -- 1963) describes what awaits us when we do so, "Silence is as full of potential wisdom and wit as the unshorn marble of great sculpture." There are some that busy themselves in all manner of rituals and religious practices to prepare themselves for another life. But as they chase after a future paradise, they kick up clouds of dust that hide the grandeur of this life. Instead of placing our hopes in a future life, why not make the most of what we already have? Stepping into the pool of silence helps us to experience joy now. Perhaps you have seen a ray of sunshine pierce a black sky and give birth to a rainbow. When faced with staggering beauty, what do you say? Usually nothing. We are rendered speechless. To gasp in amazement at the incomprehensibility of the universe is to taste the waters of silence. Awe, wonder and joy are silent. They beckon you, but their call is silent. To be aware of their presence we have to be still and listen. The dust-covered traveler finally made it up to the guru. He asked the master, "How can I find God?" But the guru said nothing. "Why don't you answer?" said the traveler. "It is not because I could not answer that I was quiet,"

replied the guru, "but because silence was the answer to your question. You see, silence is not the absence of noise, but the presence of the Divine." In her book Illuminated Life, Joan Chittister writes in a similar vein, "Silence is the cave through which the soul must travel, clearing out the dissonance of life as we go, so that the


God who is waiting there for us to notice can fill us." This statement of Ms Chittister reminds me of something Joseph Campbell (1904 -- 1987) once wrote, "The cave you fear to enter contains the treasure you seek." If you wish to experience life, rather than be swept away by it, be sure to set aside some time each day, no matter how brief,

to wade in the pool of silence. For there you will be able to recharge your batteries, tap into your inner wisdom, experience the gifts of wonder and awe, and join hands with all that is.

44 Follow Your Dream All great journeys start with a dream (Ozzie Smith). We all have dreams. Usually while we're asleep. Such dreams could be more hurtful than helpful. For example, imagine dreaming you're eating shredded wheat, only to wake up and find half the mattress gone! Well, I'm not talking about that type of dream. Rather, I'm thinking about one's vision, aspiration, or fervent hope for the future. Our dream is the song of our soul. Life without one is reduced to a hollow existence. But life with a dream is filled with meaning and purpose. Besides being the drummer and chief lyricist for the rock band "Rush," Neil Peart is also an author and philosopher. Look at how beautifully he expresses the relationship between life and a dream: "Life is just a candle and a dream must give it flame." Richard M. DeVos, the founder of Amway Corp., also writes about the flame of hope: "No life is more tragic than that of the individual who nurses a dream, an ambition, always wishing and hoping, but never giving it a chance to happen. He nurses the flickering dream, but never lets it break out into flame." Backflipping Ozzie (Osborne Earl) Smith was known for his amazing athletic ability and for his record shattering performance in baseball. He used his dream to lift him out of the ghetto, overcome stuttering, graduate college, and become baseball's greatest fielding shortstop. He was known as the "Wizard" and often compared himself to the characters in "The Wizard of Oz." Like the Scarecrow, he wanted a mind that would nurture a


dream; like the Tin Man he wanted a heart that would cling to belief (in himself), like the Lion, he wanted the courage to persevere, and like Dorothy, he wanted to go beyond the rainbow. At his induction to baseball's Hall of Fame, he said, "All great journeys start with a dream." Neil Peart, Richard M. DeVos, and Ozzie Smith recognized that life is a journey. To get from where they were to where they wanted to be, they followed their dream. What distinguishes them from those who stand on the sidelines is their understanding that the only limitations we face are those of our own creation, or those we allow others to place in our mind. Once we follow our dream, our life changes; we are transformed. For as baseball pitcher Satchel Paige (1906 -- 1982) said, "Ain't no man can avoid being average, but there ain't no man got to be common." No, we don't have to be common, we can change all that by following our dream. Most of us have a dream, aspiration, or heart's desire. But the trouble is most of us have the onloff switch of our dream set to OFF. Whenever we say, "I can't," we set the switch to OFF. Whenever we believe we can, we set the switch to ON. Simple, isn't it? Just because I believe I can do something doesn't mean there won't be any problems. But once I believe I can do it, I will seek solutions for every problem I stumble on. And since it is a law of life that we find what we look for, if I look for solutions, I will find them. Any worthy dream is a dream worthy of accomplishing. Once I realize I can do it, the next step is to make a commitment. As soon as we make a commitment, great power is released. What seemingly were insurmountable hurdles are now reduced to obstacles of laughable insignificance. But we won't reach this stage until we decide to stop talking and start acting. Unless we commit ourselves, self-doubt will ferment and block our way. Our dreams don't have to be grand to be great. We don't have to become the world's greatest pianist, an Olympic medal

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winner, or an internationally acclaimed superstar. An aunt of mine sold gloves in a department store for most of her life. Her dream was to be the friendliest and most helpful salesperson around. Year after year, the same customers would return and deliberately seek her out. She brightened everyone's day and touched the lives of thousands. Was her dream any less significant than that of a prominent person? Of course not. We all have the power to follow a dream that will make a difference to us and those we meet. As writer, lyricist Joe Darion (1911 -- 2001) wrote in "The Impossible Dream" (featured in "Man of La Mancha"):

"And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest, That my heart will lie peaceful and calm, When I'm laid to my rest ... And the world will be better for this: That one man, scorned and covered with scars, Still strove, with his last ounce of courage, To reach ... the unreachable star... " What do we say to those who are in impossible circumstances, locked behind prison bars? They may be stripped of their dignity and freedom, but they are not stripped of power. They can still dream. Yes, they have made mistakes, but starting from today, they can make the world a better place by making themselves better people. It is not an impossible dream, and it is a great dream, one worthy of following. Before our dreams can come true, don't we have to dream? Isn't there a good reason for dreaming? After all, how can we travel any further than our dream? How can we become any greater than our dream? Author of As a Man Thinketh, James AlIen (1864 - 1912) expressed the same idea, "Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil."


Another law of life is we are never given a dream unless we have the power to realize it. But that doesn't mean we don't have to work at it. So, although we want to dream, we don't want to oversleep. When we dream during our sleep, our mind both creates and experiences the dream. Similarly, when awake, we create our dream, and if we follow it, we will experience it. In other words, if we create and follow our dream, it will create us. No dreamer is too small; no dream is too big, so hold on to your dream. Poet Langston Hughes (1902 -- 1967) tells why, "Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." Even the cartoon character Jiminy Cricket has some good advice to offer, "When your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme." So, what are you waiting for? Follow your dream!

45 Formula for Success Those who can bear all can dare all

1.

Resolve: The moment we begin to achieve our goal is the moment we make up our mind to do so. Commitment and a resolute mind is like a woman in labor, they will give birth to our dream as long as we follow through with the other six steps. So, begin by making a wholehearted decision. This step is so important that Owen D. Young (1874 -- 1962) said, "The purpose firm is equal to the deed."

2.

Knowledge: Once we are committed to a goal, we need

knowledge to help us reach it. Many people try to go into business for themselves without this step. They think all they have to do is rent retail space, open a store, put a few signs in the window, and they'll be in business. They give little or no thought to marketing research. Who and where are their competitors? Who and where are their customers? How much are their customers willing to spend? What are their expectations? What are all the expenses of doing business and what level of sales is necessary to survive? Without a thorough investigation, is it any wonder that so many businesses fail? Some confuse information with knowledge. Knowledge is based on facts. Information is merely something that someone says. When you get an e-mail announcing that you can earn $5,000 a month


working part-time at home, you are not receiving knowledge. Instead, you are being lured into a scam by false claims. So, to succeed, you also need knowledge of the world. You have to understand that nothing in life is free. In other words, you need some common sense. You will also need the willingness to dig deeply enough to uncover all the facts. 3.

Plan: Perhaps you've decided to become an airplane pilot. You've found out where to go, how much it costs, how to enroll, how long it takes to become qualified, what the health requirements are, and when the next session starts. Now that you have some knowledge to work with, you make a plan. The plan is your road map to success. It shows where you are now and where you want to be. It lists all the steps, and intermediate steps, you must take to achieve your goal. After indicating the starting and completion dates of each step, you will be ready to begin.

4.

Action: A map is of no value if you just stand there looking at it. Unless you start your journey, you'll never reach your destination. You've picked a destination, put fuel in your vehicle, and brought your map; it is now time to turn on the ignition. That is, it is time to act. Time to begin. There is magic in action, for whenever you do what you can, you immediately can do more. Each step brings you closer to your goal. That's the secret of reaching it, simply do something each day to bring you closer to its fruition.

5.

Diligence: Doing something is not enough. Doing everything as best as we can is what is needed. Just taking action is insufficient; diligent and focused action is what it takes to succeed. As long as you are willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes, no one will be able to prevent you from reaching your goal.

Do not underestimate your power. You are not weak. As Thomas Carlyle (1795 -- 1881) wrote, "The weakest living

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creature, by concentrating his powers on a single object, can accomplish something; the strongest, by dispensing his over many, may fail to accomplish anything. The drop, by continually falling, bores its passage through the hardest rock; but the hasty torrent rushes over it with tremendous uproar, and leaves no mark upon it." Beware of using weakness as an excuse for inaction, for as John Milton (1608 -- 1674) wrote, "To excuse our faults on the ground of our weakness is to quiet our fears at the expense of our hopes." 6.

Perseverance: As we chase our dream, we will run into

obstacles. That's the nature of life. Life is a bumpy road. So, put on your helmet and prepare for the worse, but continue. Perseverance prevails. Endurance is the power that will take you anywhere you wish to go. For as Marquis De Vauvenargues (1715 --1747) wrote, "Those who can bear all can dare all." The power of endurance cannot be overstated. After all, you can't fail unless you quit before succeeding. So, just remember that patience is a prerequisite for success, for the only thing you can get without it is impatient. Endurance implies faith. You may not know how you will overcome a particular problem, but you know you will. Doubt, or lack of faith, crushes one's potential success. For as a third century philosopher taught, "If you believe a thing impossible, your despondency will make it so; but if you persevere, you will overcome every difficulty." The roadblocks we face are not the problem. It is the inability to persevere despite them that is the problem. Here's how John Milton (1608 -- 1674) expressed the same idea, "It is not miserable to be blind; it is miserable to be incapable of enduring blindness." Be thankful for all obstacles, for they are your practice ground, each new victory prepares you for a greater future


victory. In the end, we express our greatness not by the acts we perform, but by the endurance and fortitude that made those acts possible. 7.

Prudence: Perseverance or endurance does not mean to proceed blindly, without concern for the consequences. Prudence dictates that we maintain a balanced attitude and a measured response to a changing environment. To remain steadfast at all costs may be more a sign of stubbornness than one of perseverance. Yes, we want to remain on the road, but we must recognize that some roads are dead-ends. Sometimes, the only way to go forward is to retreat and try another route.

If a small business owner is failing because of inadequate preparation and knowledge, persistence in the face of everincreasing losses is not praiseworthy. What such a person needs is not determination, but knowledge, common sense, and a grip on reality. Don't confuse rash, stubborn, or reckless behavior with perseverance. Action is not enough to succeed; prudent action is what is called for.

Now that you have reviewed the formula for success, it is time to review your behavior and actions. Are they aligned with your goals? Are they taking you where you wish to go? These are questions you need to ask yourself regularly. After all, even if you have the gas pedal pressed all the way to the floor, it's not very helpful if you're going in the wrong direction. So, once a week, take a pit stop and monitor your behavior and progress. If you're headed in the wrong direction or need to take a detour, you'll be able to take corrective action as long as you keep your eyes on the road. Happy driving, and I hope you reach all your destinations.

46 Freedom to Choose How can we be the person we want to be; how can we realize our potential; how can we express ourselves; how can we know happiness unless we are free? What can be more frustrating than to be hampered and hemmed in, unable to act freely? What can be more agonizing than to have one's progress blocked, one's aspirations squelched, and one's dreams turn into nightmares? Where are we to find the autonomy, independence, liberation and personal freedom we seek? Because many people blame their suffering on others and on the circumstances they have to cope with, they look outward for relief. They search in vain for others to set them free. Yet, they are held captive by their own insecurity, self-doubt and fears. The oppressor is not the world, or others, but their own inner turmoil and torment. Claiming to want freedom, they cling to the very things that enslave them. They need to learn how to let go, for freedom is releasing everything that holds you back. But how can one be free if as a child they were ridiculed by their parents, scorned by their teachers, and mistreated by their peers? Is it any wonder that they lack confidence and feel so helpless? Before considering ways of letting go off our inner demons, I'd like to tell you about Harvey, who is now in his seventy's. He has fond memories of childhood friends and the first apartment he lived in. He remembers how disappointed he was when his parents told him at age seven that they were moving to


another city. Before departing, he took his last lingering look at the tall apartment building that he used to call home. They had lived at the top floor, but oddly enough the building didn't have an elevator. Harvey remembers how long it would take him to climb all the way to the top. Nevertheless, after school, he was always happy to be greeted by the huge wooden door and wide staircase that led to his apartment. Many, many years later, when Harvey and his wife were visiting his parents, he asked them for the address of the apartment building he loved as a child. A month later, he was on the street he played on in his childhood. He looked for the building he lived in. At first he couldn't recognize it because it wasn't tall at all. It was just four stories high! He did recognize the front door, but was shocked to see how it shrunk. Likewise, the wide stairway that he remembered was now narrow. And it hardly took any time at all to reach the top floor (the building still didn't have an elevator). No, the building wasn't renovated. It was just that in the eyes of a young child the building APPEARED large. Are you scarred today and living in pain because of the horrible way you were treated as a child? The first step in letting go off your anger, resentment and hostility is to understand that the memories that haunt you ARE THE MEMORIES OF A CHILD. Like Harvey, you see everything out of proportion. If you could magically be transported back in time, you'd be amazed to learn the comments and actions of others weren't nearly as bad as you now imagine them to be. Now that you are an adult, you have the power to understand that the demon guarding your prison cell is really a weakling, disguised as a monster. What's more, if you look carefully, you will discover the door to your prison cell is unlocked. You are free to leave! So, let go off those paper tigers that are holding you back. Even if you refuse to believe that things were not as bad as you imagine, you can still let them go by forgiving those who

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have hurt you. Why not do so? If I asked you to place your arm in a drum of toxic waste, would you do so? It may sound like a silly question, but many willingly jump into the drum! They do so by holding on to anger and resentment, allowing it to fester and fill their body and spirit with toxins. When you forgive yourself and others, you are stepping out of the drum of toxic waste and discovering a newfound freedom and healing. When you learn how to step into the shoes of others, to see things as they did, to understand their problems and weaknesses, you'll find forgiveness comes naturally. Our greatest freedom is the freedom to choose. Choose what? Choose how we look at things. Our eyes look outward. They do not face inward. We were not meant to see our own suffering, but to see only the suffering of others. Buddhists have a saying, "No self, no problem." When we stop thinking about ourselves, our problems will disappear. And when we start thinking about the suffering of others, we will discover opportunities to serve.

Many are in servitude to fear. When in its grip, they become immobilized, incapable of doing what is necessary to reach their potential. What are our greatest fears? They say that after the fear of death, our greatest fear is speaking before an audience. Actually, however, it is not public speaking that is so terrifying, but the opinions of others. If I speak before the group, what will they think of me? Will I appear as a fool? These thoughts run through the minds of those who are overly concerned with themselves. When we look outward, rather than inward, we concern ourselves with the audience. What would they like? How can I help? How can I bring pleasure into their lives? How can I serve them? With thoughts like these, all fear dissolves. Whatever our fear, we need to face it and overcome it. We should welcome fear, for it is a golden moment, it is the only way we can develop courage. And when we tread on the path of courage, we walk as free men and women, unimpeded by obstacles in our path.


Another way of achieving personal freedom is to let go off demands, to let go off the victim mentality that says, "Whenever things don't go my way, I am a sufferer." When we elevate our own importance and place ourselves in the center of the universe, we mistakenly believe that things 'happen' to us. In reality, things don't happen TO us, they just happen WITH us. We're part of the changing universe; we're just another event. To let go off demands and accept the gift of life for what it is, without complaint, is to walk in the shoes of one who has experienced the joys of liberation. Such a person seeks not to be free FROM hardship, but seeks to be free FOR making a contribution, no matter how small, to the world.

47 Generous People To generous souls every task is noble (Euripides). Life is exciting, but that doesn't mean it isn't stressful. We're bound to run into difficulties and sure to get caught in storms. And when we do, we appreciate the extended arm of a friend, offering help. Whatever form it takes, their generosity is like the sun breaking through a bank of black clouds. The only thing better than receiving generosity is offering it to others. If we can be instruments that banish gloom from others' lives, our own will be filled with purpose. Generosity is the willingness to share freely with others. Generous people are happy because they are following nature. Just as it is the nature of the sun to nurture life, it is the nature of man to help those in need. Primitive man survived by sharing with his family and tribe the food brought back from the hunt. The tradition of helping others is well recorded in the Bible. For example, the following verses reveal that it was the custom to help the poor 3,300 years ago, "When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not reap your field to its very border, neither shall you gather the gleanings after your harvest. And you shall not strip your vineyard bare, neither shall you gather the fallen grapes of your vineyard; you shall leave them for the poor and for the sojoumer." (Leviticus 19:9--10) Again, in Isaiah 58:10-11, it is written "Feed the hungry! Help those in trouble! Then your light will shine out from the


darkness, and the darkness around you shall be as bright as day. And the Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy you with all good things, and keep you healthy too; and you will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring." The above verses imply the second reason why generous people are happy. When we freely give, we do not deplete our resources, but replenish them like an "ever-flowing spring." The idea that the more we give, the more we will receive is a common theme in all religious traditions. And for good reason, it is based on common sense. After all, the more people we help, the larger the reservoir of possible allies in our time of need. The more people we lend a hand to, the greater our network of friends and willing assistants. If we wish to live life to the fullest, we will be generous, for as a Sanskrit proverb says, "He who allows his day to pass by without practicing generosity and enjoying life's pleasures is like a blacksmith's bellows -- he breathes but does not live." What would you do if you won the lottery? If you are like most, chances are you would share a portion of your winnings with a charity. However, you don't have to be rich to be generous. Take, Oseola McCarty, for example. She lived a modest life in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. This sixth-grade graduate worked as a washerwoman in the homes of the wealthy for 75 years. Each time she was paid for washing and ironing a load of clothes, she put a small amount into a savings account. When she was 89, she discovered she had accumulated $250,000. Believing she didn't need that much money, she gave $150,000 to the University of Southern Mississippi, setting up a fund to help needy African-American students. True, when compared with the BILLIONS of dollars donated by some American philanthropists, Miss McCarty's contribution was small indeed. However, here is what Christ had to say about the matter, "And [Jesus] looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury. And He saw a certain poor widow putting in two small copper coins. And He said, 'Truly I say to you, this

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poor widow put in more than all of them; for they all out of their surplus put into the offering; but she out of her poverty put in all that she had to live on.'" (Luke 21:1-4) We don't need money to be generous; we can be generous by giving recognition, attention, praise, kindness and love. We can be generous in thought, word and deed. We can donate our time, knowledge and skills. We can offer our patience, understanding and encouragement. We can be a font of hope, a haven of peace, an oasis of joy. Neither do we have to travel far to practice generosity. We can begin at home by giving moral support to our parents, spouse, children and siblings. We can then extend our generosity to the workplace, our community, and the world at large. When we act generous before others, we boost our ego, but when we are generous in secret, we elevate our soul. The greater the generosity, the greater the joy experienced by both the giver and receiver. When do we offer "great" generosity? It is when we give more than we imagine we can. Also, when we give what cannot be replaced, we prove that those in need have higher value than possessions. Finally, when we are sensitive to the needs of others, we will be more concerned with the timing of our gift than the size of it.

48 Gentleness There is nothing stronger in the world than gentleness."Once upon a time when everything could talk, the Wind and the Sun fell into an argument as to which was the stronger. Finally, they decided to put the matter to a test; they would see which one could make a certain man, who was walking along the road, throw off his cape. The Wind tried first. He blew and he blew. The harder and colder he blew, the tighter the traveler wrapped his cape about him. The Wind finally gave up and told the Sun to try. The Sun began to smile and as it grew warmer and warmer, the traveler was comfortable once more. But the Sun shone brighter and brighter until the man grew so hot the sweat poured out of his face, he became weary, and seating himself on a stone, he quickly threw his cape to the ground. You see, gentleness had accomplished what force could not." With just a few words, Persian poet Shaykh Muslih aI-Din Sa'di Shirazi (c 1200 -- c 1292) paints another useful picture: "Use a sweet tongue, courtesy, and gentleness, and thou mayst manage to guide an elephant with a hair." Such is the power of gentleness. On the other hand, force is futile because it offers a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Force is met with resistance. It represses, suppresses and oppresses. Gentleness addresses the problem. It alleviates, mitigates and obviates the pain of others. As we start out in this New Year, it is appropriate to ask ourselves questions. Questions like, "How do I treat my family?

Gentleness I 171 Do I try to force them to comply with my wishes or does the warmth of my smile encourage them to work with me as a team? How do I handle my coworkers? Am I demanding or understanding? How do I interact with my neighbors? Am I curt and cold or compassionate and caring? How do I treat the belongings of my friends? Do I return everything I borrowed promptly and in the same condition it was in when I received it? Yes, the New Year is the perfect time to make a resolution to be gentle. Like Max Lucado, who has 28 million books in print, we can say, "Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself." When we treat others with gentleness, it shows them that we value and respect them. They may be upset and speak to us angrily, but our gentle answer will soothe their irritability and calm them down. Isn't it true that only those with faults complain about the faults of others? So, the fewer faults we have, the greater our gentleness, tolerance and compassion will be. Gentleness is the mark of the spiritual person, one who sees the commonality of all. It is the recognition that despite our differences, we are all the same. It is easier for older people to be gentle, for their long experience has made them realize they are guilty of every fault they see in others; so, how can they hold it against them? True, we will not always agree with everyone all the time, but gentleness is the understanding that we can walk hand-in-hand without seeing eye-to-eye. Let's not wait until we are old to be gentle. Rather, today, let's join in the prayer of Alexander Pope (1688 -- 1744), "Teach me to feel another's woe, to hide the fault I see; that mercy I to others show, that mercy show to me." We climb the highest peak one step at a time, and we make a difference in the world one small act at a time. A gentle smile, an encouraging pat on the back, a word of praise, a friendly hand, a warm hug, and a tender look are small acts, which when added up have a huge


impact on the lives of others. Gentleness is a way of life. It is the conduct of love. It is a balm that lessens the suffering of others. Blessed are the gentle who give their time to help the sick, the elderly, the unemployed, the homeless, the needy, the mentally ill, and those in prison. May we learn from their example. Whether good or bad and whether right or wrong, our actions affect others. We set an example that helps shape their beliefs and behavior. Like it or not, we are influencing the course of history. What type of world do we wish to have a hand in creating? One of hostility or one of harmony? One of hatred or one of honesty? The choice is ours. We can choose to walk on the path of gentleness. And as we walk on that path, let's remember the words of another writer, "The tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand; The sun goes down, but gentle warmth still lingers on the land; The music stops, and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains... For every gentle act that passes, something beautiful remains."

49 Getting Along You can't get ahead without getting along "No one in the committee came to our support or even wanted to hear what we had to say. This upset us, and we felt that our previous efforts were not appreciated and team support was lacking, so we quit. It was a very hard decision for me to make and after deliberating for two days I decided to resign. Furthermore, Hal is very ill, so we felt that our presence in the organization may not help him at all. "We were not out for any name or credit just doing our small bit to help. In the last e-mail he sent, he stated 'Why are the most productive committee members taking things so personal?' In your opinion, were we wrong in quitting? If not, why do I feel guilty when topics about helping others come up? Am I being sensitive?" My Answer: You feel guilty because you failed to live up to your potential and did the very things that annoy you. For example, you were displeased because Hal brought in a new vendor without informing you; yet, you spoke to the priest without informing Hal. You felt team support was lacking; yet you didn't support Hal and the new vendor. You felt your efforts were not appreciated; yet you did not appreciate the efforts of the new vendor. Finally, you say you were not out for any credit, yet you feel hurt because you believe your efforts were not appreciated (that is, no credit was given to you).


You ask if you are being sensitive. Well, Carmen, like the priest, Hal, and the new vendor, you are being HUMAN. We are imperfect and make mistakes. People react and relate to us the way we do to them. How did you react to Hal's decision and the new vendor? You felt threatened and unappreciated. How did Hal feel when you spoke about him to the priest? He felt threatened and unappreciated! Also, you probably have regrets because of lost opportunities. For instance, by running away from discomfort, you lost an opportunity to live courageously. What about a lost spiritual opportunity? Although you are a spiritual person, in moments of stress you forget it. Who is it that put the priest, Hal, and the new vendor in your life? Wasn't it your Creator? Do you really want to reject the opportunities to grow stronger and wiser that He places in your life? And how close are you to your Creator? Well, the distance that separates you from those you cannot get along with is the distance that separates you from God. There are other lost opportunities. For one, you could have welcomed the new vendor to the team and learned from him or her. You also could have become a team player by encouraging Hal, who despite his illness is trying to contribute to the lives of others. Also, when he asked you why the most productive members in the committee were taking things so personal, you could have extended your hand as he reached out to you with his. Are you feeling depressed now? Well, you shouldn't be because your behavior is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of your humanity. It's actually a time to rejoice because you can learn from the past and become more than you are today. If my bluntness made you cringe, that too is a good sign because pain is good. You see, the principal catalyst for change is pain. For it is only when things are too painful to bear any longer, that we finally decide to change.

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This is also a good time to consider the following general ideas that relate to the issue you raised: 1.

Treasure your relationships. After all, people are the source of our power. Every relationship we nurture empowers us, and every relationship we sever weakens us. So, the more we get along with people the greater our power.

2.

We learn from others. EVERYONE has something to teach us. Look for it. Find it. Recognize it. And act on it.

3.

The people we work with act as our allies. When you joined the Church committee, you had the opportunity to multiply your power and service to others.

4.

Our relationships can provide a source of comfort, strength and inspiration.

5.

The faults of those we interact with remind us of our own, and provide us with opportunities to practice patience, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness.

6.

Our relationships serve as a practice ground where we can develop our character. Where else can we learn the art of disagreeing without being disagreeable?

7.

When we serve others, we serve ourselves. For example, when you help others, they hold you in esteem. And it is the esteem of others that develops your self-esteem.

8.

When you get along with others you end stress, share in laughter, and gain peace of mind.

9.

Most people are decent, and conflicts are generally caused by misunderstandings. Those who are unkind are usually insecure, feel threatened, are afraid, and lack confidence. Instead of a cold shoulder, they need a shoulder to cry on. Instead of a punch in the face, they need a pat on the back.

10. Remember that people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.


11. Here's a useful tip from. Dag Hammarskjold (1905 -- 1961), "An apology is a friendship preserver, is often a debt of honor, is never a sign of weakness, is an antidote for hatred, costs nothing but one's pride, always saves more than it costs, is a device needed in every home." 12. View everyone you meet as an opportunity to experience God. Do this by experiencing His Love and freely and unconditionally offer it to all. 13. Don't let pride destroy a relationship, for as Reuel Howe wrote, "Indeed, this need of individuals to be right is so great that they are willing to sacrifice themselves, their relationships, and even love for it." Since we can't get ahead without getting along, isn't it time to think about mending damaged relationships?

50 Getting Mad Do you know what makes me mad? Before I tell you what makes me mad, let me ask you, what angers you? What frustrates you? Disappoints you? Annoys you? These are important considerations because whenever we experience these negative emotions, we are unhappy. Since we want to be happy, we need to understand the cause of and solution to our unhappiness. Here I am trying to write an article and the faucet is dripping again. Drip! Drip! How annoying! Went to the hardware store for supplies to fix the leaky faucet, but they were closed, even though I got there five minutes before closing time. That made me angry. Wouldn't you know it, as I was driving back home, someone cut me off, forcing me to jam on the brakes. Now, I'm really annoyed! I'm having such a rotten day, I think I'll call it quits and go to bed early. I go to brush my teeth and - yipe! - the tube of toothpaste was squeezed in the middle again. Why does my wife do that? Doesn't she know it drives me crazy? So, what makes me mad? Is it a dripping faucet, a store closing too early, a reckless driver, or a "disobedient" wife? No, it is none of these things. You see, no person or event can make us unhappy. What is responsible for our misery? It is our childish demands and unreasonable expectations. When I was an infant and feeling uncomfortable, all I had to do was scream and someone would come, change my diapers, and


make me feel good again. If I got hungry, I would scream again, and in a few moments, I would be fed. When I was helpless, it was acceptable for me to be demanding. But now I'm an adult. I'm responsible for my own life. I cannot expect the world to behave exactly the way I would like it to. I cannot control the events or people I encounter. I can only control myself. Suppose I made up my mind to be unhappy every time someone did not behave as I wished; imagine if I decided to be miserable every time circumstances were not as I wanted them to be. Wouldn't that be silly? Of course it would! Yet, that's what most of us do! We blame people or events for MAKING us unhappy. In truth, unhappiness is a choice we make. For we tell ourselves, unless so-and-so does what I want or unless this-orthat happens I CANNOT be happy. So what do we do when life fails to meet our demands or expectations? We complain, get angry, experience resentment, and wallow in misery. Not very smart, is it? Now that we know the cause of our self-induced misery, what is the cure? It's quite simple. All we have to do is change our demands and expectations to preferences. No, I don't demand that my wife stop squeezing the tube of toothpaste in the middle, but I prefer that she wouldn't. However, she does so anyway. Since I can't change her, I accept her idiosyncrasy and choose to reflect on all of her good habits and all of my bad habits. When I do so, it becomes clear to me that I'm lucky she is not complaining about my behavior! The next time you catch yourself being demanding, ask myself, "Do I really want to replace happiness with anger? How would the situation change if I were to express love and understanding instead of anger?" If you're experiencing resentment, it's time to stop judging others. Recognize humans are imperfect and often act cruelly because of the pain they are in. Instead of being judgmental, be understanding. Instead of being angry, be compassionate. Release your love with forgiveness.

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Although changing demands and expectations into preferences is the most important step you can take to increase happiness, the remaining paragraphs offer a few more tips. Cut out irrational thinking. It is irrational to believe "I cannot be happy unless the world treats me as I want to be treated." It is irrational because you can accept whatever is out of your control, whether you like it or not. In fact, it can become an exciting challenge to find the hidden opportunity in what first appeared to be a terrible experience. Here are some more irrational beliefs, "I cannot be happy unless I am experiencing pleasure. I cannot be happy unless I am perfect. I cannot be happy unless EVERYONE loves me and treats me fairly. I cannot be happy as long as there are possible threats, such as getting cancer, drinking contaminated water, or getting mugged." Be willing to be happy, for as Hugh Prather explains in How to Live in the World and Still be Happy, "Happiness is easy. It is letting go of unhappiness that is hard. We are willing to give up everything but our misery. Although it is perhaps unconscious for many, we carry with us the sabotaging belief that we do not deserve to be happy. There is great fear that when we take time to be happy we are not guarding our own interests and certainly not doing all we could for the world. If we need a justification for feeling happy, we might ask ourselves what is the alternative, and what do we believe this other feeling will do to relieve the world's misery. My belief is that we will not lessen anguish by maintaining the very state of mind we wish to see others released from." Drop self-pity, for it's self-inflicting misery. Stop trying to be a martyr. You don't become a hero by suffering (being miserable). You become heroic by remaining cheerful even when you're in pain. Don't exaggerate. When a problem exists, such as loss of a job, don't blow it out of proportion or else you'll become immobilized with fear. Instead, use the discomfort to motivate


you into action. Remain cheerful to lessen the negative effects on you and those you interact with. Now, despite what I've written, if you still insist on being miserable, here are some tips you can follow to achieve your goal: 1. Worry about the future. 2.

Regret the past.

3. Look for things that will "make" you upset. 4. Be pessimistic and focus on negative thoughts. 5. Eliminate your sense of humor. 6.

Never apologize or forgive anyone.

7.

For their own good, try to change the 'bad habits" of others.

8. Hang out with negative people and avoid happy people. 9. Criticize others; it's for their own good. 10. Remember, compassion is for wimps, and ruthlessness is a sign of strength.

51 Getting Older A friend just called to explain that he's at his wits' end because his basement apartment got flooded. He's looking inward, at his own problems. No wonder he's frustrated and angry. Yet, just a few days ago, the lives of millions were thrown into complete chaos because they were the victims of raging tidal waves that swept across Southeast Asia and beyond. If my friend had looked outward at the problems facing the tsunami victims, he would be happy that his problems pale in comparison. Can you see how changing the direction we face also changes our perspective? Being miserable is a state of mind, so move to a different state. It's easy when you realize that you're not growing old; you're just living a long life. Personally, I never felt that I was growing OLD, but always believed I was growing BETTER. Can't you say the same for yourself? When you do, you will discover life is glorious, not odious. You talk about being a quasi-atheist, but that's like being quasi-pregnant. It's not possible. One is either pregnant or not and an atheist or not. What you mean to say is you're confused and in doubt. Many others share the same feelings. Especially those that were reared in religious environments and later grew disillusioned by the hypocrisy and untenable beliefs that were foisted on them. Such people find the word "God" conjures up bad memories. But don't confuse God with bad memories. Don't get hung up on a word. Change the word to something more


meaningful, such as Creator, Intelligence, or anything else you feel comfortable with. Again, it's a matter of facing and looking in the right direction. Instead of looking back at bad memories, take a walk in the park and look at what surrounds you in the present. A log cabin never was nor ever will be created by chance. But once intelligence (man) enters the picture, it's a simple matter to create one. As you look around the park and see butterflies, beetles, and frogs -- all of which are infinitely more complex than a log cabin -- isn't it obvious that Intelligence is at work? If you allow yourself to soak in the wonders of nature, you will find belief in a Creator selfevident. Just because you don't have all the answers doesn't mean you can't believe in the obvious; mainly, an Intelligence or Creator that brought us into existence. Not only is our world filled with creatures, but they are all cared for. Nature provides for their needs. Nature cares about its members. It cares about you. It has granted you the resources you need to thrive. As you are confused about life and your role in it, you naturally feel vulnerable. But vulnerability isn't a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. It signals that you are facing your fears. What a wonderful position to be in! For at no other time is life so exciting, joyful, and bursting with energy than when we live it with courage. So, take heart. Don't be afraid, for you are not facing a tsunami that will sweep you away, but a rising tide that will lift you to new heights, if you allow it to. I already mentioned a major cause of suffering is reverse vision. Another is denial. And by that I don't mean a river in Egypt (the Nile), but I'm referring to our tendency to blame others and circumstances for our unhappiness. Although growing OLDER is unavoidable, growing UP isn't. But growing up, that is, accepting responsibility, is necessary before we can lead fulfilling lives. When we accept responsibility for how we

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respond to the events in our lives, we gain control; we become masters of our fate. There is a fine line between acting irresponsibly and responsibly. It is the difference between saying to yourself, "I feel miserable," and "I DON'T WANT TO feel miserable." There is a subtle but big difference between the two. For when you say, "I DON'T WANT TO feel miserable," you are implying you have a choice, which you do Responsibly, then, is all about making the right choices. It's about deciding to have the right thoughts. For example, when responsible people begin to feel blue, their train of thought may be as follows, "Since I don't want to feel miserable, what am I going to do about it? Complaining, getting upset, or drowning in self-pity doesn't help, so what positive steps can I can take?" This line of reasoning is rational and solution oriented. MERELY LOOKING FOR SOLUTIONS LEADS TO THEIR DISCOVERY. Isn't that what Christ meant when he told us that if we knocked, the door would be opened, and if we asked, we would receive? Part of making responsible choices is choosing HOPE over DESP AIR and FAITH in yourself and the world over SELFDOUBT and CYNICISM. Armed with these tools, we will be able to whittle down mountain-sized problems to the size of molehills. We will also have the courage to leap into the unknown. After all, the abyss you wrote about is frightening only if we don't have faith in a Loving Presence that will catch us before we splat into the bottom of the chasm. How would you feel if your favorite composer, vocal artist, or comedian refused to perform? I know how I would feel. I would feel cheated because the world needs them. We need the pleasure of laughter and the joy of music. And, you know, Leo, the world is counting on you to do your part. Regardless of how you feel, the world is depending on you to spread joy to those you meet. Once you accept this challenge,


a funny thing happens, all the joy you give away is multiplied many times over and returned to you. I guess what I am trying to say is the best way to end your suffering is to end the suffering of others.

52 Giving to Needy It is better to be kind to one man than love all of mankind Do you love mankind? Of course you do. We all do. Perhaps we have shed a tear while watching a TV documentary on famine in a remote corner of the world. But which is easier, to utter platitudes about the love of mankind or to reach out to one man in need? Isn't it better to be kind to one person than fill the air with hollow words of love for all? Christmas is the perfect season to reflect on giving. Giving not from the top of our purses, but from the bottom of our hearts. Let's also remember, we make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. Because Christ said the poor will always be with us, some use this as an excuse to do nothing. We may be tempted to believe the problems of poverty are overwhelming and one person cannot make a difference. Yet, if only one starving person in a thousand can be fed, it makes all the difference in the world to that person. Mother Teresa spoke on the same topic: "We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But if that drop was not in the ocean, I think the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. I do not agree with the big way of doing things." Another deterrent to giving is the ingratitude of some recipients. But do we give to receive thanks or to help someone in need? The pangs of hunger are just as severe for the ungrateful as it is for the thankful. The British cleric Francis Atterbury (1663-1732) expressed a similar sentiment when he


wrote, "Should we grieve over a little misplaced charity, when an all knowing, all wise Being showers down every day his benefits on the unthankful and undeserving?" Some are in need because of their own actions. Perhaps excessive drink or drugs led to their downfall. But we don't want to use the weakness of others as an excuse not to help. True compassion sees the need, not the cause. Be awake to the needs that surround you, but blind to their causes. Of course, we don't want the impoverished to grow dependent on handouts. The causes of poverty need to be researched and ways must be found to end it. However, those in need NOW cannot wait. It is wise to give to the "undeserving;" after all, who among us is deserving of God's love? Giving is love in action. For love to flow, we have to be liberated from fear. Some fear that if they were to give, they will end up with less. But that is nothing to fear, but something to welcome. You see, it is true, if we give we will have less. Less selfishness, less suspicion, less guilt, less remorse, less attachment to the unimportant. But we will also have more. More joy, for example, for the surest way to have happiness and peace of mind is to give them to someone else. You have probably been bombarded with an endless chain of requests for donations. Understandably, another request may not cause you to leap for joy. But that's okay, for though The Lord loves a cheerful giver, He also accepted from a grouch! You can make a difference. You can help the homeless, for example. You can donate toothpaste, toothbrushes, soap, mittens or gloves, socks, blankets, and scarves. Even better, you can organize your own group of coworkers, friends, and neighbors and pool your contributions. Best of all, you can even give the greatest gift of all, yourself. You can do this by working as a volunteer. Call the Director of Volunteer Services of your nearest hospital, Church, or charitable organization.

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Lebanese poet and mystic Khalil Gibran (1883-1931) had this to say, "There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward. And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism. And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue; They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space. Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth." Look in the mirror. Look behind your eyes. Prepare today to smile upon the earth. Prepare to give without remembering and to receive without forgetting.

53 Rekindle the Flame of Hope A misty morning does not mean a cloudy day Are dark clouds looming over your life? If so, it doesn't necessarily follow that a storm is approaching. However, even if today were to be your darkest day, the tempest will pass if you wait it out. That's why, you must keep the flame of hope burning in your heart. Storms may rage, but don't let them extinguish hope. What is hope? It is the opposite of despair. It is the ability to go on even when things appear hopeless. It is the knowledge that, however difficult the situation, this too will pass. "Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue inherent in the state of being alive;" writes Erik H. Erikson, "If life is to be sustained, hope must remain, even where confidence is wounded . trust impaired." Hope is a quiet optimism, a feeling that things will work out, perhaps not as desired, but for the best. Hope is the strength to be patient and persist in difficult times. When faced with a challenge, don't hope it becomes easier, hope you become stronger. Remember, no one grows old by living a number of years; they grow old by abandoning hope. While in his fifties, Tom had a heart attack. He looked death in the face for the first time and found the experience depressing. He grew lethargic and life came to a halt. It was almost as if he were already dead. But with a little encouragement, he rekindled

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the flame of hope, hope for a better life, for a return to normal. So, re-energized, he stopped smoking, changed his eating habits, and exercised regularly. Today, Tom is once again enjoying life. Doesn't this simple example prove that hope is always a better choice than despair? Charles Sawyer thinks so, for he wrote, "Of all the forces that make for a better world, none is so indispensable, none so powerful, as hope. Without hope, men are only half alive. With hope, they dream and think and work." John Johnson also makes a powerful comment: "Men and women are limited not by the place of their birth, not by the color of their skin, but by the size of their hope." John F. Kennedy In August 1943, torpedo boat PT-109 was rammed and cut in half by a Japanese destroyer during a night attack in the Solomon Islands. The commander of the boat, John F. Kennedy, was thrown to the deck. His back, previously injured in a university football game, was re-injured. Despite this, he gathered the ten surviving members of his crew. After placing a badly injured crew member into a life jacket, Kennedy held on to one of the straps with his teeth and towed the wounded man as they all swam for shore. Five hours later, they reached land and were able to rest, but could find no help. It was only after swimming to two other islands that they found natives with access to the u.s. base. They were rescued after a native delivered a message written by Kennedy on a coconut. The situation seemed hopeless, but because Kennedy clung onto hope he found the strength to lead his crew members to safety. Abraham Lincoln Bruce Barton writes, "Before you give up hope, turn back and read the attacks that were made on Lincoln." Lincoln experienced much more than attacks. His life consisted of one hardship followed by another. Yet, he managed to keep hope alive. Take a look at the outline of his life.


1816: Seven-year-old Lincoln had to work to support his family after they were evicted. 1818: His mother died. 1831: Failed in business. 1832: Defeated for legislature. 1832: Lost his job and couldn't get into law school. 1833: Declared bankrupt and spent the next 17 years of his life paying off the money he borrowed from friends to start his business. 1834: Was defeated for legislature again. 1835: Was engaged to be married, but his sweetheart died and his heart was broken. 1836: Had a nervous breakdown and spent the next six months in bed. 1838: Was defeated in becoming the speaker of the state legislature. 1840: Was defeated in becoming elector. 1843: Was defeated for Congress. 1846: Was Defeated for Congress. 1848: Was defeated for Congress again. 1849: Was rejected for the job of land officer in his home state. 1854: Was defeated for Senate. 1856: Was defeated for Vice President -- got fewer than 100 votes. 1858: Was defeated for Senate for the third time. 1860: Was elected President of the United States. Imagine if Kennedy or Lincoln had given in to despair. Fortunately for the world, they did not. I am not a Lincoln and you ~lay not be a Kennedy, but we are also important to the

Rekindle the Flame of Hope I 191

world, so let's keep the flame of hope burning. As Ella Wheeler Wilcox wrote, "This easy enough to be pleasant, When life flows along like a song; But the man worthwhile is the one who will smile when everything goes dead wrong."

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