KI S HORE
SHANTABAI
KALE
Against All Odds
Translated from the Marathi by
Sandhya Pandey
,
PENGUIN BOOKS
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KI S HORE
SHANTABAI
KALE
Against All Odds
Translated from the Marathi by
Sandhya Pandey
,
PENGUIN BOOKS
• !\ooIq Indio. ,,,, I'c:lgwr> • , Lrd • 11 Community Call,e, r~ K Pu'" N~... IMh\ 110 011, 1ndia Ptnguln IIoob L:d " 27 Wrighl5 Lane, l.ondon W8 5TZ, U pfnguln rutn~m lnc~ 375 Hud3Ol'l Street, N~w '.'ork. ~y 1,0014, USA p..,g uin Boob AU$t ,~ll. Ud . Ringwood. VictOlMl, Austr.ah. Md
. Bools C~ Ud 10 Akom Avenue. Suit..,300, Toronto. Onudo, M4V JBl, 00 • DookJ (NZ) ltd ., Rosrdille.r.d lie Koads, Allwly, N"w Zealand
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Translator's Note
Fi"'t I)ultlw...-d in ~br.'thi .u KOiII"'I~ ['or by Gr
n"5 ~ it sold subject to the condition lMl it IIIwll not, by "',' Y ~ u~" or ~iK, ~ len' resold hi~ out, Of otherwM Ornllated without the.- publisher I ;>oor wntle" ,ctlnlml . " for~' of b onding Of coye' oIt."" than that In which it is publ5l...-.l and without . •. - ' ilion ;I'\dUd in, this rondlUon being ""' Ih(' purcha1er.,eI Slr.U~ _. _ . L. _ rt f th ill publication may wi:hou t limiting the rights under copYri&h t r 8ollrvL'U ."""", no p . " • • be roJuced. sto«d in or intnxlUl-m ;"11> ~ .ctr;e\'at syst~. (>I" tr.or.sm't~o:d. In ,HI'j loon ""~n, IllNM (,..... ' IT\l'ChaniaJ• On " owner and the . 1""·lHI\ld decided to get Papat ma rri ed wi thin a mont h and he felt that an y pos tponement would mean a loss of face in the community. How could he postpone his son's wed d ing because of lac k of cash when , with two daughters
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KISIIORF. SHANTABAI
KA L E
AGAINST A l l O DD S
dancing and earning for him, he was supposed to be a rich man. H is fragile ego could not allow his desire to be thwarted. So, he ordered Jiji to move the tamasha group from Sclu and decreed that Sushecla was not to live with Sopanrao any more. Thus, in one stroke, Kandiba (h.-s trayed the relationship be twee n Sushceb and Sapanrao. It was as jf he had picked up a duster and wiped Sapa nrao our of Susheela's life. Susheeb was miserable, bu ttoo you ng to know what was good for her and too frightened of her filther to defy or even argue with him. Poor Sopanrao cried and begged, 'At least leave 111)' little daughter with mc. She is the only child and heir I have.' But Kondiba would have none of it, and the Shanta· Susheela jalsa party left Selu. As it turned out, for one reason or another, Popat's wedding could not take place till six months later, bur Sushecla maushi's on ly chance at a stable, happy and dignified life had been completely destroyed. At Para Ii, Shobha and Sumita, two cousins fr om Nerla, and two dancers from Dombara also joined the group. Susheda maushi and Bai had turned into an exceJ!enr dancing and singing team. Bai had finally accepted her life as a [asrnashn dancer. She enjo)'ed singing and tried to improve all the time. She had also become bolder and was no longer :lEraid of the life she ha d to lead. There were threc other groups at the Gangavalan thearre at Parali J but none of them were as successfu l as Shanta-Susheela. The dancers of all the groups often laid bets on who would attract rhe most crowds each evening. Rich men and lovers of dance :md music came all the way from Sangli, Kolhapur and
Latur to see the shows. As soon as Bai started singing, they would bet o n who would brcnk the sequence of songs. This was an accepted practice in which a spectator would give the singer money to sing the same song over and over again rather than go on to another onc. I was now four years old J and could follow evc ry1.hing th ar was happening in the theatre during a show. 1 llsed to sit on a chair in the from row and watch the dancers closely. The next da y, , amused everyone with imitati ons of each danccr. Every evening J the theatre fill ed with men eager to hear Bai sing and see my aunt dance. B), now, it had become common practice to sing and dance to the l:lCcst Hindi film songs rather than to the traditional lavani songs. The women had learnt to deliver what was demanded . One day, fiai was si ngi ng the filmi song, 'Dum Maro Dum', which, in the hugel}' sliccessful movie, Hare Ramo Hare Krishna, of the early '70s, showed Zeenat Arnan, the sexy ac tress, in a mini dress swaying to it in drugged stupor. A spectator gave her ten rupees and asked her to repeat the song. A police inspector siuing in the special cabin at one side o f the stage pa id more money and the son1; was sung again. Then the first spectator offered thirty rupees. Thi s started off a competition between the two. More .md more monev• was offered and Bai had to sing the same song over and over again. Both the spectators were drunk and had plenty of money. Bai's melodious voice echoed round the hall. Dancers from the other groups realized that something unusual was happening and came into the ha ll to watch the spectacl e. The shower of onc rupee and ten paisa coins by the audience was
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K!SHORE SI-IANTASAI
KALE
turning into a deluge, and the clink of the coins added to the music. I felt so proud of my mother. I always loved it when Bai was showered with money and fett very angry when any other dancer received as much attention. I didn't think anyone but Bai was entitled to such praise and riches. But Bai was now tiring. Her throat was dry, and she found it difficult to hold the notes. The constant shouting of the audience and the beat of the dholak and tabla throbbed in her temples. The drunken inspector yelled, 'You cuntl Is the money too much for you, can't you sing properly anymore?' Bai WA I KALE
took him to the nearby clump of frees and bear him
badly. Beyond ou r gate all was quiet while inside there was mayhem. Suddenly, a whistle rang our and all of them immediately took to their heels. They ciis:lppeared sou ndlessly juSt as they had appeared.
At dawn we tried to assess the damage we had suffered. Most of the men we re hurr-ajoba was badly beaten, mama's fo rehea d had been cur open, even Jiji was bruised all over. All our relatives came to see us. Ajoba became so ill that he nea rl y died. Everyone
wanted to know if we would be able to id entify the thieves. But they had blacke ned their faces and tied SC no money to send her to school at a bigger town; so she stayed at home. 5ushecla maushi didn ' t know how to educate her kids or find money to run her father's household . Baby mallshi, too, was in a similar situati on, She had waited for Pawar sahe b for two years. H e had made her give up dancing and used to visit her at Nerla, but as soon as she had a son, he abandoned her. It was the seco nd time thi s had happened to Baby ma ushi and she was in a state of shock, cry ing all day. Tears arc all that ta masha dancers have in their lives anyway. That and th e babi es they are left holding, whom they have to
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somehow bring lip. Finally, the sisters decided that they would have to go ba ck to the tamasha. Sushee1a. Baby and Rambha o nce again se t up a party. The musical instrumr.:ms were t:lken out of stomge. repa ired and the party went to lslampur and set themselves up at the Natraj Folk Dance rhearre there. Bur rimes had cha nged and ea rnings from the ramasha barely suppo rted the women and their children. leave alone the households of their fathers and broth ers. I vis ited tbem at Islampur in the hope that they would be able ( 0 lend me so me money. But when 1 saw the sta te they were in. I cou ld nO[ as k them for help. Their condition was fa r worse than mine. 'Bai did the righ t thing, Kishore,' said Sushcela mallshi, sadly. 'At least she is not as helpless as we a rc. And you are a clever boy so YOll will become a doctor. O therwise, she would have been in the same state as ]iji. Our lives have been spent looking after our fathers and brothers; we have nothing, just nothing of our own. ' Ajoba had never let his da ughters set up separate esta blishments with the m en who befriended them, and he was righ t in his own way. He knew that rhe men who came to these gi rls stayed with them only until their fancy lasted. Nana had troubl ed Bai no end. even tried to throw her o ut. but Bai had preferred to bear ha rdship and sorrow fMh er th:ln be helpless and destitute. That was the only reason she had lasted in Nana's hOllse. Before her, Nana h:ld kept many other women, but non e of th em had been abl e to endure his cruc lty. My aunts were uneduca ted , but well aware of what was
h"ppen ing in the world around them. They had no desire to live as mistresses with men whose f:lll c)' for them would never outlast the fi rst flush of their you th. My maus his knew the sta te o f my finances-they did n't ha ve to be told, my clothes proc laimed the condition I was living in . But what could they do? They had three other dancers with them, Sumitra, Viyjayanri and Nanda. Besides. there was rhe harmonium playe r, the ta bla player and the man who brought water from the well fo r them. They all had to be pa id reglliarly and sometimes, after paying them. there was no money left over to buy food. Jaya had been sent to Sangli to complete her sc hooli ng and she wrOte asking fo r money to pay her mess bills. Baby maushi had a fo ur-monthold baby who cried all the rime because there wa s not enollgh milk for it. A letter from Nerla said that the grocer had now refused to give them groceries until the ir o ld bills were pa id off. so please a rro nge for the money in a few da ys. Susheel a maushi 's son wanted money to pay his examination fees. Sus hecla ma us hi was in despa ir. She cursed the other ta masha parry whose dancers were performi ng there: 'The whores, for three hundred rupees they sleep under two diHerent men, and rhey compete with us on sta ge .' T har afternoon 1 was sleeping on th e stage when I heard a conversation between a cou ple-the woman asked the man to give her two hundred rupees, because she h:ld to st'nd it home. She promi sed to repay it. But the moo said, 'Sure, I will, if you will give me today! ' After a moml'Ot's silence. she said, 'yes ', a nd they disappeared behin d the curtai n right th ere. 1 remembered how Jiji came rushing on to the stage like an a ngry
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KALE
tigress when a spectator had merely tried to hold Bai's hand. Yes, times had changed. Most evenings, I watched the women pur on thei r make-up while men and young boys walked in and out of the room. Some we re already drunk. Nanda was the youngest in the pany and still a virgin. Young boys proposi tioned Susheela maushi offering her a thousand rupees. It made Sus hecla mrtu shi furiou s. That evening, 1 went to the theatre to watch the performance. Susheela maushi stood near the harmonium with a sad face. She was now thirty-fou r. The younger women danced. The men caBed out, 'C'mon girl, dance well and r wil! give you a rupee.' They grabbed the hands of the dancers who passed them. It made me angry but I knew that in places like Reed, things were much worse . There thl; specta tors made a girl sit on their laps for one rupee. My blood boiled but I had to watch silen tl y. Some spectators here were whistli ng, others called out, 'Will you come with me? I'll buy you a snack !' 1 wamed to hit them, pelt stones at their heads. At Islampur, one of the regular vis itors was Hambirao Patil. H e wa s enamoured of Baby maushi and used to giver her at least a hundred or two hundred rupees everyday. Even thoueh he was always a little drunk, he never gave money to anyone but Baby maushi. Thanks to him, the party earned at least a couple of hu ndred rupees everyday. I-Iambirao Pati! asked Susheela l1laushi if Baby maushi would live with him. Everyone ad\'ised us to beware of him, he was a rogue, they said. Wc liked him but could not dec ide what to do. So, Sushecla 164
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maushi said norhing and Hambira o Paril conrinued to visit evcry eve ni ng and watch Baby maushi dance. Baby maushi had another fan, a you ng eighteenyea r·o ld boy called Dinya. H e was obv iously not too well off, his dothes were rather dirty. But every evening he used to give Baby maushi five or ten rupees. Once Hambirao came on the scene, Dinya stopped giving Baby mallshi any money. Instead, he brought her flowers for her hair, or some snack. Baby maushi treated him like a brother, but no man ever looks upon a dancer as • a sister. I was eating lunch one day when Dinya walked inro the room wi th :l ki lo of grapes for Baby maushi. She said, 'Why do you spe nd so much money on me, Dinya? Your mother works hard to suppo rt you, why don 't you help her, instead? You ~ome here every day and gamble you r money away. You arc still too young for all th is.' Dinya los t his temper. 'You want an i>' rhe ric h Paril, don't you?' he said. 'You dance for him, not for me. What arc you going to get from me, anyway? Those othe r women will sleep with me for Its JO~, but you consider yourselves too pu re. For a hundred rupees, I can get a college girl, why should I chase you? You think too much of yourself.' Maushi listened to the tirade in sile nce even th ough I co uld see th at she wanted to throttle him. Times ha d changed, and people's attitudes had changed; I was left in no doubt about tha t. Maushi said, 'Yo u idiot, have you lost your hcad? You pimp, I thought of you as my brorher.' I listc ned in depressed silence. I was missing classes, it was f\venry da ys since I had left Mumbai-but what 165
KISHORE S IIANTA6AI
AGAINST ALL ODI)5
KALE
J lowe red my eyes as J pictured my mother in her torn sari living her hard life at Sonepeth. I could not tell him how hard it had been for me to get through school and into medical college. But there was deep satisfaction in being able to say that my mother lived with my father in his house, even though Nana was not my real father, and Bai was not legally his wife. We picked up maushi and went to a small hotel. Maushi poured out her troubles to Nana Patil and he gave her Rs 2000. Then he booked two rooms there. I spent the night in onc room and ma ushi and Nana Patil in the other. I tossed and turned in agitat ion all night long. I could not believe chat 1 had done what I had, and that maushi was doing what she was. I thought I hated her for it. I did not want to look at her face again. I was horrified that maushi should do this for a mere Rs 2000 and that, too, in my presence. I wanted to run away "and go back to Mumbai. But I had no money. Maybe maush i wou ld give me money in the morning. In ch e morning, maushi could not meet my eyes. Her eyes were wet. Nana Paril promised to come to Nerla in a few days with Rs 2000 more. In the bus maush i said, 'Kishore, I have decided to livc with him forever now. I don't care if he gives me just dry bhakri to eat, but I don't want to dance any more. This tamasha business is no longer wha t it used to be. Now chere are all kinds of people in this business and there is no place for traditional dancers like us. I would rather clean dirty vessels at people's houses or do anything else. I want my children to be doctors like you. Will my children also be doctors like you, Kishore?' Susheela maushi had finally accepted that her bro thers
cou ld 1 say of my trou bles to these women whose lives went from one desperate si tuation to another? 1 wished there was a magic wand that could make me a doctor overnight, so that I could get a job and help them all come out of the despair they had sunk into. But I was only in the first year of medical college, and the way th ings were going, I didn't know if I would ever go any
further. Despite some of the regular visi tors, the jalsa party earned very little money. Desperate measures were needed, and Susheela mau shi decided to take the plunge. She had no real desire co go to Indapur, but helplessness had brought her there. Nana Patil lived in Indapur, and he had been in love w ith Susheela maushi when she first dan ced at Modlimb, years ago. He had asked maushi to be his mist ress, but she had refused. Now faced with a desperation for money to educate her children, she had been forced to approach him aga in. She waited at the bus stop and sent me to contact Nana Pati!. I went into his office and asked the gentleman there if I could speak to Nana Pati!o 'I am Nana Patil,' he said, 'What do you want?' J introduced myself, and told him that 1 had come to Indapur with Susheela maushi. He was delighted to hear that she was in town and hurried with me to meet her. On the way, he asked me what I was doing? When I told him, he was surprised and pleased . He asked if I was a tamasha dance r's son, and I fOld him that my rnothc'r had been a dancer once, but not any longer. 'Shc lives with her husband, my father, at Sonepcth.' 'Your morher is lu cky,' he replied, 'that she could give her children the joy of having a father to look after them. ' I
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and father were only interested in [he money she earned, nor in her welfare. She was in a despera te situationBalaji had no d othes to wear, I was at medical college and she knew well enough that I was desperate for money otherwise 1 would not have come to he r. She had never imagined that for two thousa nd rupees she would be fo rced to do what she had just done. Maushi sent thousa nd rupees to her fa ther, and kept a thousand for herself. Fo r the first time, r was really angry with her, not with Kondiba ajoba and his sons. I had pract ica ll y been a pimp fo r Sushcela m3 ushi, I missed two months of coilege, and at the end of all tha t she still did not care ro help me b ilt se nt money to her falh cr and brothers. It was no fault o f theirs-she gave them money and th ey fed on it. They were used to it now, and it was her fault. 'I don't wam anything, I just want to live like your mother,' Sushecla maushi said to me over and over • agam. 'At last Bai has won,' ] thought. When she first revoltcd an d ran away with Na na, Sushccla maushi had bughed at hee. Now the same Susheela rnaushi wantcd to walk in her footsteps. Bai 's decision was vindicated. I wcnt w ith my aunts to Nerla. When we reached home, Ankush mama was sitting on the veranda in a spo tless white pajama kurta ru bbing tobacco in his palms . I looked at him sitting there in his immacula te clothes, relaxed, pleased with himself and his life, and r remcmbered the look o n Sushcela maushi's face a ft er the night shc had spent with Nana Patil , of how her eyes had filled with a sorrow her brothers would never
know. I had said to maushi, 'You have made them what they arc because you ha vc always provided th em with whatever they want all the time. It is your fault. If you had not provided for chern they would have bee n forced to do something for themselves.' But maushi had not agreed with me. In fact, she had told ajoba and aji what I sa id, and they had turned upon me in anger, 'Your m other has never se nt us 3nything. Don 't you teach the ot hers wrong things and set th em aga inst their own b rothers and pa rents. ' At Neela, we waited fo r Nana PatH to come as promised bu t he didn 't turn up . Finally, maushi sent me to lndapur. When I reached Nana Patil's house he was not there. I stayed the night in lndapur and went to meet hi m aga in the ne xt day. This time he was home, and rook me off to a resta urant. 'This kind of work doesn't suit you, Kisho re,' he said. 'You are goi ng to be a doctor, aren't you ashamed to do this?' I was ashamed, but I was also angry and rcsenrful that because of maushi, I had to listen to such talk from i'ana Pati!o 'Anyway,' he added, '1 cannot come to :--:lerlu, I'm too busy.' T returned home and told maushi, 'I don't think this man is going to look aftcr you for any length of time . Better forget hi m.' We r eturned to the jalsa party at lslampur after a cou plc of weeks. Hambirao Paril still visited Baby mallshi . But when we reached we found Baby m:wshi in deep distress beca use her so n was ill with high feve r and pncumonia. But it was time for the show to begin, so
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Ba by maushi tied her ghungroos round her ankles, and with one despondent look at her son, went on to the stage. Hambirao Pati! was among the audience and he started giving her money. Bab y maushi's heart and mind were with her ill son, and she danced automatically without being conscious of where she was or what she was do in g. Dinya was standing nea r the door. He gave Baby maushi twenty rupees. This made Ham birao Patil angry and he set up a steady stream of money for Baby maush i to collect. Other specta tors wanted to give her mo ney too. But she had no time to collect from anyone else except Ham birao Pati!. The party had forty-five minu tes to put up their show, and fo r every minute of the rime, Baby maushi ran up and down the stage co ll ecting money. She was giddy, her ghungroos bir into her skin as rhe pad of cloth under them had sl ipped and made it bleed, but she danced as if possessed. She needed money to take her son to the hosp ital. As I watched her, r rhought bitterly that it was nor her dance rhe men appreciated, it was her beauty, her slender waist and her alluring yauch that attracted them. 'What a fr es h, tender cucumber she is! What crea my skin! But she won't willingly give it, we wi ll have to take her away one day.' Luckily for Baby maushi, the bell decla ring the end of the show went off before she fainted from exhaustion. She came into the room wiping her swea t and so bbing deeply. Her son's condition had worsened. Hambirao Pati! called a cycle rickshaw and took them to rhe hospital. I-Ie gave Baby maush i aU th e help she needed and the child recovered in two days. When her son was back home with her, Ba by maushi said to me 'Kishore
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what do you think of IIambirao? Whatever eve ryone may say, he has been very kind to Ole and has saved my ch ild's life. And you have seen, haven' t you, how things are with the tamasha now ? I wish I would die rather than dance here. Evcn if I go hungry I don't mind , but 1 want to live a life of some dignity.' I told Baby maushi that she sho uld accept H ambirao Pati! and she did. She told him that she wou ld dance for a ycar and then give it up altogether. Soon, she was pregnant and at first she wa nted to have the pregnancy terminated. But when I told H ambirao Patil that she was pregnant, he was delighted and promised her that he woul d never ever abandon he r, so, she dec ided to have the baby. Meanwhile , Sushecla Ol a ush i also acquired a paramour. He was a teac her from Kolhapur, a married man who declared that he was madly in love with • maushi. He visited the tamasha every evening and gave money to Susheela maushi. Hambirao Patil, too, was a regular visitor. The party was running quite successfully when three of the dancers left. That left only four da ncers, not enough to dance every evening. So, I was sent off to Jamkhed to bring some new dance rs and brought back twO young girls, Sumita and Anita. They had to be paid an advance of Rs 2000 cach and H am birao Patil and the teacher shared the cost. It was t\vo months since I had come away from my college. Exams were round the corner, but I still had no money and I didn't know what to do. I did not tell maushi that 1 so desperately needed money. Fortunately, just when I had begun to feel completely hopeless, a friend wrote to S3Y that my scholarship had bee n
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granted, and so, I happily rerurned to Mumbai. Howeve r, my exams were hardly over, when I received a letter from Sushccla maushi calling me to IslampllI again. I went chere a nd found chern so un happy w ith their routine of dancing every even ing chat I advised Hambirao Patil and the schoolteacher to stop these women from dancing 3nd settle them into dece nt houses with their children. Thcy both agreed, and now
parents cannot allow their earning daughter to leave them for any other man beca use she is their source of income. Bur Shobha maushi fell in love and her lover lived with her for four years without ever giving her any money. Then, he tired of her, found her too old-she was thirey-three-and abandoncd her. Poor Shobha maushi visited Majalgaon every week, hoping and prayi ng that hcr lover would come back to her. But he never evell met her. Her parents battered her, verbally and physically. She tried to go back to dancing but she was too old, and nobody liked her looks any more. Hearc·broken and miserable, she went almost mad. Then, one day, sirring by herself in a corner, .her tired body gave a few sudden, sharp jerks and she died. Happiness plays a very, very small part in a dance r's Ii fc.
Sushcela maush i lives with her teacher at Kolhapur. Her three child ren study there and the whole family is happy. Baby maushi lives with Hambirao PatiL She has
a son from him, and he looks after them with care and affection. Both the maushis are full of gratitude and believe that I was instrumental in making the men provide them with good and stable homes. I wished th at all dancers could meet decent men who cared for them
and helped them to get out of their humiliating lifestyles into lives of dignity and joy. But this rarely happens, and 1 have never forgotten Shobha maushi who had tried to lead her own life. Shobha maushi was a beautiful dancer, slim, fa ir, tall with light eyes. She was patt of the tamasha parry at Parali when my mother danced there. She was headstrong an d independent·minded. She had re lationships only with a man she liked, whether he paid her or not. Obviously, she could not send much money home, which made her parents furious. They scolded her, beat her, but to no avail. Then Shobha maushi fell in love with a man from Majalgaon. To fall in love is the worst crime a Kolhati woman can commit because falling in love means breaking bonds with the parents, taking an independent course of action. Kolhati
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Chapter Fourteen I W he n the municipal elections came round, the list of voters in ou r family at Sonepeth reae like this:
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Krushnarao Bhangojiappa Wadkar Surcndra Kru shna rao Wadkar Radhabai Kru shna rao Wa dkar Shantaba i Krushna rao Wadkar Kishorc Shanraba i Kale Dcepak Kondiba Kale Our family rarion ca rd also bad rhe sa me li st of names . Bai kl;pt telling Na na that he should transfer some la nd to ou r names immediately. ~ana onl y got angry and said tha t he was unlikely to d ie in a hu rry. But Deepak
used to say, 'It is not a question of when you die. The fac t is that the re is noth ing to prove that Kishorc and J arc brothers or that Bai is o ur mother. So, the deed of rhe Ja nd should be clearly in o ur names.' Nann had never tried to give me his name, an d since I never lived with him for most of my childhood, that was easily understood. But Dccpa k had li ved with him since he was six months old! Instead of giving him his n:lmc, Na na gave him his grandfather's, sim ply beca use he did not want us to have any claims to his land o r
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money! Now [hat I am a d octor, he is trying hard to get m y name changed to his but I have refused . It is beca use 1 have learn t that success. docs not depend o n a name, or a caste, o r the w o m b frol11 which one is born . It is only sincere effort that counts. It rook immense efforr to adjus t to medical college and its hos [el. Life in the hostel was made d ifficult by the other stu dents who teased me cons tan tl y and played pract ical jokes o n me. I could not stand up to anybody, I had no guts. 1 was afraid that my hostel mates \vould find out that my mother was somebody's m istress a nd look down on me. Besides, my life at Nerla had made me very d iffident. I had been deliberately turn ed into a coward and was unable to confront any body even though I was in the right. Whenever I went to Sonepe th, 1 came bac k to find the g lass panes o n my roo m wind ows broken. Twice I went to the Pu bl ic \'1o rks Department, which wa s in charge of repairs a t the hoste l. to have the panes replaced. They cou ld not understand how I managed to break the panes over and ove r again. When I told them the reaso n , t hey sa id that I shou ld complain to the Dea n of rhe college . Bu t 1 fclt that complaining was useless . 1 was inured to tro ubles and found it easier ro bear them, than to talk to people . O ften in the middle of rhe night, th ere wou ld be loud knocks o n the d oor. When I opened the door th ere would be no o ne the re. M y p:l thology notes were stolen just two days before my second ye3r exams . 1 had to rerea d all the textbooks again before ap pearing fo r the exams. When I w as in the tbi rd yea r, 1 spent 1\s 500 (a fo rtune by my st;Jn d a rd s) to buy n textbook, on ly to find it gone fr om m}' room . My tro ubles seemed endless. 175
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confrom the boys who had made my life h el l. 'They will never let yo u live in the hostel if you don't tackle them now,' they said. So, taking courage in both hands, 1 confronted the boys and, like a ll bullies, they backed down . After that nobody troubled me in the hostel agai n. Life at the medica l college in Mumbai was dogged by the persistent worry about how to finance m y education. I had to pa ss my MBllS: it was my only hope foe the future. But where would the money come from? Nana had refused to give me any money saying that he had none to spare. Gambling was the bane o f his life, I often wanted to go to Sonepeth and throw a real tantrum and demand money from him. But I knew that would only lead to him yelling at Bai and perhaps, even beating her, and I could never put Bai ill such a situation. God fo rbid , if Nana threw her our of his house, J would never be able to get it off my co nscience. I wa s alw:lYs veey, very careful (Q behave in such a wa y that Nana never had ca use to get annoyed with Su i. My life was oppressed with fears li ke this-the fear of offending someone, the fea r of inviting more trouble, the fea r of causing trouble for others ... And constant tensions about how I would evee make ends meet. Some friends found me a job with a doctor in Mumbai and I took it up eagerl y to earn money for my fe es . I had to work at the clinic from 9 p.m. to 7.30 a.m. but soon realized that 1 could not keep this up. My eyes were red with lack of sleep and I missed classes because I could not keep awake during the da y. But what else cou ld I do? This was the only option I had. Unti l o nc day, I had a brilliant idea. I knew that clothes
My friends adv ised me to tack le those who troubled me, to face up to them, 'Or they will never stop. They arc bullies.' But I could never gather the courage to do so. I was convinced that in any fight, my family background would be revealed and I would have to bear their insults at best and derision and disdain at worst. One of my friends knew aboU[ my mother and he said, 'Kishorc, so many people have no clue as to who their father is. And it is not your fault, is it? You did not choose to be born in the Ko lhati community. So, forget the past and live your life without fear, otherwise, the world will treat you very badly.' Two days before my first year exams, I had finished studying and just got into bed at rwo a.m ., when someone kicked hard on the door and ran away. When 1 open ed the door, 1 sa w Harish Rathod running drunkenly down the corridor. The next day, in a fri end's room, I confronted him, 'What do you need at two a.m. in the morning? And if you do need some thing, why do you run away? If you do that again, I'll brea k every bone in your body.' H arish Rathod was taken aback. 'I only did it to tease you,' he said . 'I didn't know you wou ld mind. Sorry, 1 won't do it anymore ,' T he next night the same thing happened, but when I opened the door, 1 found a co uple of boys who lived in the room across mine, standing at their doo r. Harish Rathod came r unning am of their room and said to me, 'Ka le, I am drunk but I did not kick your door. Somebody else ha s done it just to make us fight,' When the exams ended 1 decid ed to go home. I was tired and fed up. But my friends persuaded me to
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and even fabrics were cheaper in the wholesale ma rkers of Mumbai than in the small tow ns of the state. So, if I bought shirrs and fabrics in Mumbai and sold them in Ambejogai and Paral i, I could make a profit. 1 borrowed Rs 500 from a cOllsi n's husband, and bought the kind
unr.:xpcctcu ally. I bumped into him w hen I was selling the shirts there for the first rime and told him how desperate my situation was. He agreed to help me. I made him promise that he would never tell Deepak anything. I had wid Nana that he should never let Deepak lack for money, even if he gave me nothing. So, Decpak lived in fairly secu re financial conditions, unaware that I had no money from Nana at all. If he came to know that Nana gave me nothing, he would fight with Na nn and ma ke life unbearable at home for Bai. Deepak is hot tempered and has always had a simmering rage against Nana. Ashok understood my problems and he used to sell the clothes for me in his college, without le tting Oeepak know anything. My bt:siness did rather well and I began to make frequent tr ips to Ambejogai. On one such trip, after I had sold some clothes; I went to Ashok's room ro leave the remaining with him. Unfortunately, Oeepak's classmate saw me and raid Deepak that I was in town w ith 'a new lot of very nice shirt pieces' . I was chatting with Ashok w hen Deepak burst into the roo m. His eyes were red w ith ra ge and he yelled a t me, 'I neve r imagined that
you would fall so low- selling clothes . like a petry trade r-you, the son of Sonepeth's sahub r! You a re no brother of mine! And don't you dare call me your brother, either! As far as I am concerned, you arc dead, and fo r you I am dead , too.' Oeepak yelled at Ashok for not telling him what 1 was doing. Ashok opened his mouth to tell him the tru th, but I glared at him, so he shut up, and Oeepak left the room . I slowly sat down aga in. I felt sad and demeaned. My younger brothe r had spoken to me most insultingly and there was nothing I could say to him. Ashok tried to co nsole me . 'I would worship a brother like you, Kishorc,' he said. I was deeply touc hed. While 1 was busy trying to make e nds meet and keep up with my studies at the same time, I had a letter fr om Ne rla telling me that Jiji was very ill. T dropped everything and rushed ro Nerla. There T found that Ji ji had been left to live by he rsel f a t the hut in the farm . When I reached the hut, Ji ji was asleep on the floor on a rug. She had a thin, tattered quilt made of seve ral old sa ris and other fabrics patched together fo r a covering. J ii i's hair was uncombed and unoilcd, and it was apparent that she had nor bathed in days. As soon as I called out he r na me, Jiji woke up with a sta rt. When she saw it was I, she cried oue, 'My son, have yo u come to light my pyre?' As soon as I was near enough, she began to cry loudly and held my feet saying, 'T ake me away from here, please take me away from here! The se people will kill me.'
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of shirts college boys like to wear. I took these to Ambejogai and sold them very hesitatingly at the college there. I was carefu l to avoid my younger brother, Deepak, who was studying science in class rwelve at the
college. Deepak's best friend. Ashok, became an
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Jiji had become painfully thin nnd emaciated. I had brought her favourire snack, chivda, and as soon as I opened the packer for her, she picked up some in her trembling fingers :lnd fed it (Q me, as if T was still he r linle child. On ly then did she cat it and as I watched her cat, it became obvious that she was very hungry, As soon as she had eaten, she nceded to defecate. So, she moved aside her quilt and began to d rag herself outside. I looked at her in horror. Then I realized that Jiji had suffered a paralytic stroke. And her brother, to whom she had devoted her life, had abandoned her to langu ish in this hut, far awa)' from th e house. My stomach churned at the pitiable sight of this old and abandoned woman dragging herself along the mud floor of the hut. This was the Jiji who owned twenty-five acres of land and a large house. This was the beautiful Jiji who had li ved in sp lendour as the Patil's wife. This was thc Jiji who had unquestioningly spent her en tire life slogging for the welfare of her brother. H er cruel, demanding, cold brother had not even taken her to a doctor; instead she had been abandoned at the farm where no one bothered about whether she lived o r died . Later I was told that once a day a bhakri was thrown at her, as on c throws food to a stray dog. For the first time I knew with gut-wfenching cla rity what Ea.i had run away fr om and why the hateful Nana was so dear to her. I decided to take Jiji to J.j. Hospital in Mumbai. I booked the tickets and packed her meagre belongings. But just as we were going to leave, ajoba, aji and Illama all descended upon us and accused me of trying to rake away Jiji's Jand. 'I know your cun ning plans,' said ajoba. 'YOll have
called your fathe r and arc going to force J iji to sign her la nd over to you.' He whispered something in Jiji's ea r, and she started snying, '1 don't want to go to Mumhai, take me to Kolhapur.' After all that she had suffered at his hands, Ji ji still stuck by her brother. The family promised me tha t they would take her to Kolhapur for treatment, and I sad ly left Jiji at Nerla and rcturned to Mumbai. My financial trou bles grew worse after 1 rcturned to Mumbai. Scholarships were given out yearly at the college, and they often came late. The students had co go to the college office a.gain and again and beg the staff to hand over the money to them. When it was finally given, the clerk would take huge commissions out of it. The student usually got only half the m oney, ' the rest was swallowed up in dues and commi ss ions. But J had not yet received even this half-a-scholarship. I went to Sonepeth to ask Nana to give me some money. I had received some scholarship money in the first year hut Nana had borrowed mos t of it from me, promis ing to return it within a couple of months. Many months had gone past and the money nevcr came. So, 1 was now trying to get Nana to find some money to give me. H e said, 'I could have borrowed money from the bank on the pretext of buying a pump for the well in the fi elds. I could have given you some of the money and bought a pump with the res t. But unfortunately, I have already harrowed Rs 2500 to buy fertilizer, and unless I return that, I cannot borrow any more. ' 1 had been in Sonepeth for two months now a nd my second year exams were approaching. I was shocked at
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Nana's behaviour, bur I didn't know what to do. Finally, Rai and I decided to visit a distant cous in in a nearby town. She lived there with her husband JUSt behind their liquor shop. We borrowed Rs 3000 fro m her, promising to return it in a month when NUlla's new loan would be sanctioned. Bai gave Nann Rs 2500 to pa yoff his loan and 1 took Rs 500 and carne to Mumba i. Soon, 1 received letters from this cousin, because Nana had nor returned her money sin ce the bank d id nor accept Nana's loan application. I was now very tired of the whole situation and decided that I was living. in a dream world-there was no way I could get through medical collegc, there would never be enough money and who else could I borrow money from? Exams were only twenty days away ;lOd I was conv inced that I cou ld not pass them. I had not had enough time to study . 1 decided I should leave Mumbai and forget abou t ever becoming a doctor. However, the very next day, the scholarship list fo r the second term was declared and my name figured dearly in it. Prov id ence had stepped in to help me. Until the schola rsh ip m oney came through, my friend Prasad helped ml!. He was the son of a college professor in Aurangabad and rarely lacked money. We shared a room, and I had taken to cooking one meal in the room to save on mess bills. I studied day and n ight and managed to pass the second yea r MBBS exams. It was around this time that a cousin from Nerla came to visit me. 'Jiji is in a terrible state, Kishore,' he wid m e. 'They haven't bothered to take her to Kolhapur and she can't even crawl now. Please, please go and get her to
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Mumbai (o r treCltment. You CCln't leave her there.' My hean sank . I was in such a bad financial position, how could I bring Jiji here? On the other hand , if I !eft her there, she would die a horrible death . So I went to Nerla. I found ajoba's household in a very bad state. Since both Sus heela maushi and Baby maushi had settled down with their families elsewhere, they did not send any monc), to Nerla. There was o nly Rambha maushi, who was rather simple. She had bcen forced to go back to the ta masha when her second child was only one-and-half-monrhs old. The baby was left at home with his gra ndparen ts and was thin and emaciared. When I reached Nerla, Rambha maushi was there. She had come home for a few days. I went into the house and demanded to know why Jiji had not been taken to Kolhapu r for treatment. 'You promised me that you would take her, but she has becn left to languish at thc farm. This time, I am going to take her away and nonc of you will stop me,' I sa id , angrily. The whole family crowded rOllnd me menacingly as if I had declared that I would rob o r kill them. I gathered all my courage and said, 'You bette r let me take Jiji with me, otherwise J will make a complaint to the panch (the Kolhati Co uncil).' Then, ajoba said, 'We are not saying that you should not rake Jiji for treatment. But Susheela is not here. You go to Kolhapur :md talk to her, she'll tell you what to do. She has told me that we should send you to Kolhapur when ),ou come here.' I did not know what to make o f all that was being said. Feeling rather uneasy, I made my way to the farm '83
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to sec Jiji. As soon as 1 reached the door of the hut, I could smell shit, piss, and cowdung all mixed in one horrible odour that filled the litrlc room. I covered my nose with a handkerchief and walked in. Jiji was lying on a dirty torn piece of sacking, her eyes fixed on a bit of blue sky visible through a hole in the roof. Not very far from her were the cows and buffaloes. Flies hovered all round her. On one side were dried, black lumps of shit, and over it ran streams of cattle piss. I looked at Jij i with love, caressing with my eyes her shrivelled , dry skin , her bare wrists, her fair, dirty forehead, her black hair and her white teeth that suddenly shone when she smiled to herself as she stared at the clouds passing by. I called our, 'Ji ji.' She turned her head, startled, and with a laugh tried to get up and drag herself towards me. I ran to her and hugged her, and the perfume of her love masked the filthy odours around as her thin hands flutrered like a feather over my fa ce a nd head. We borh hugged each other wordlessly. Then J iji said, 'Kay man tuya Kondiba? (What docs Kondiba say? ) Will he send me to Mumbai with you or not?' M y heart burned with anger. Jiji, who had spent her life looking after and feeding her brother had been reduced to this pitiab le state by that same brother. What a way to repay her sacrifices, her debt of love and loyalty! 'I will go to Kolh apur and get Susheela maushi. Only then will she send you to Mumbai with me,' 1 told Jij i. 'Do anything Ki shya, but take me away from here.' 184
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' 1 will, Jiji, whatever happens, 1 will take you away.' I ca me home from the farm and fo und Kondiba sitting in the veranda w ith Rambha maushi's ba by beside him. H e had a hundred-rupee note in his hand. I was surprised because there was not enough money to buy cooking oil with , and here was ajoba with so nluc h money in his hand. When he sa w me, he quickly put away rhe mont:y in his pocket and ca lled me to sit beside him. Instead, I picked up the baby and sta rted walking into the house. Ajoba tried to stop me: 'Sit here, there is no onc in the house.' Uut I wa lked in and sa t down with the bab)' in my arms at th e entrance. Suddenly, I heard the clink o f glass bangles inside, and a strange man stepped out of the inner room. He shot a startled look at me, then wa lked past and stopped to whisper something into ajoba's ea r. A horrible truth hit me hard in the guts. Ajoba waS prostituting his daughter to earn money. I wa lked into the inner room and Rambha maushi's fa ce and appearance confirmed my worst fea r. She stood there with her hair ruffled and out of place, her face darkened with sorrow. 1 stared at her in shock. All strength drained ou.t of me and I sat down hard on the floor. Tea rs running down her facc, Rambha maushi ca me and sa t down beside me. 'Kishore, I beg of you, take my children away from het e. Put them in an orphanage but ta ke them away fr om this hell.' M aushi was begging mc as if she was praying to God. I would have done what she wanted, but aji and aj oba did not let me take the children away. If the kids had gone away, Rambha maushi would never have 185
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earned any money for them. With a heavy heart I went off to Kolhapur the next morning. Greater shock awaited me there because Susheela maus hi, who I thought of as my mother, accused me of trying to take away Jijj's property. I left for Mumbai in deep shock, convinced that I would never aga in set foO[ in Nerla. I wondered why the family was so nai've. If I wanted to (