50 More Secrets of Blissful Relationships

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50 More Secrets of Blissful Relationships Copyright 2003 Michael Webb The uses of product names and trademarks are denoted by initial capitalization of the name of each product throughout the book. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the Publisher. TheRomantic.com PO Box 1567 Cary NC 27512

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Introduction/Preface Even though I am well known for my creative romantic tips and ideas that have been featured all over the world, the work that I am most proud of is what you read here and in the first volume of 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships. I think it has the power to transform more relationships than all of my other 7 books combined. Many people make the wrong assumption that my wife and I have a blissful relationship simply because I am very romantic. A fantastic marriage has many different elements and qualities that set it well above most others. After the enormous success many couples have had with the first volume, I just knew there would have to be a part II. I have worked for three years on this volume. You will find themes or elements that keep popping up throughout the book. Typically that means that they are probably one of the most important areas where couples need help. If you find some advice or suggestions to be a little bit irritating, it just might be a sore spot with you that needs serious consideration. Many men and women have at least one area that they do not want to admit fault in, even though they know deep down that they are wrong and need to change. Prepare to be challenged and if you really want that blissful relationship, prepare to make some changes to your ideas, values and practices. Michael Webb

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TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. Flirting with Disaster 2. Taming the Tube 3. World’s Best Mother’s Day Gift 4. Confessions of a Sofa Sleeper 5. If and When 6. Living with Children 7. Questions, Questions and More Questions 8. A Blissful Couple 9. Weight Not Want Not 10. Commitment Can Kill a Relationship 11. Paid for Your Opinions 12. My First AA Meeting 13. Go Away! 14. Is Your Basket Missing? 15. The Case of the Missing Column 16. Buying Time 17. Cut it Out! 18. How's Your Wife? 19. Athena's Affair 20. The Fear Factor 21. The Peace Prize 22. When Helping Hurts 23. Not In My Nature 24. Romantic Rituals 25. All Work and No Play 26. Fantasy Island

27. Fighting, Forgiving and Forgetting 28. Sex Getting You Down? 29. Under Control 30. More Than the Minimum 31. My Fair Lady Syndrome 32. Owner or Renter? 33. Beating Back Boredom 34. Should You Stay or Should You Go? 35. The Best Gift For Your Child 36. A Day of Rest - Every Week 37. Don’t Be Your Best 38. Watch for the Warnings 39. Watching Over Me 40. How to Get Close When You Are Far Apart 41. What Are Your Sensitive Spots? 42. Greedy or Generous? 43. Fast Food Love 44. Attachment Relationships 45. Avoiding Cultic Relationships 46. What Cult Did I Grow Up In? 47. Should You Trade Up? 48. Love Hurts 49. Are Your Roots Showing? 50. A Tribute To Athena

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Flirting with Disaster I don't watch much television, but my favorite programs are the ones on nature. I've seen several different episodes on animal courtship and I find it fascinating what some animals do to attract a mate – or just to mate. Some dance, others build elaborate nests, many strut their stuff and several even fight other potential suitors to get the female to notice them. Humans do some of the same things to attract potential mates. For many of us, a courtship begins with the act of flirting. Playful teasing, winking, a gentle touch to the arm and other gestures usually signal to someone that you find him or her interesting, engaging and attractive -- that you would like to spend more time with him or her. The problem with flirting is that some men and women don't realize it is part of courtship. Some see nothing wrong with flirting with other people even if they are in a relationship. They come up with faulty reasoning such as "it's ok to look at the menu as long as I don't order anything off it." How many times have you been full after a meal but a peek at the dessert menu tempted you to order that luscious slice of pie anyway? For many who have had affairs, it began with flirting. When someone flirts with you (innocently or not) you are flattered. They are signaling that they find you fun and attractive which makes you feel excited and happy. Your emotions begin to flow. Perhaps you remember this stage of new love in a previous relationship and those euphoric feelings come back. Despite what your mind knows is best, you begin to reciprocate with the flirting. Soon the gentle touch to the shoulder might move to the arm, then later to the elbow and then to the hand. And whether or not you have the willpower to keep it from leading to an affair of the body, it has already led to an affair of the heart. Millions of men and women do not set out to cheat on their mate. It often begins with what they think is harmless flirting. How can you tell the difference between someone who is flirting and someone who is just fun natured? Someone who flirts will only be "flirty" to those they find attractive. If they playfully tease or touch everyone they meet, then they probably aren't flirting. However, there is still the danger that too much play can be misinterpreted. Before you know it, you have some stranger calling you in the middle of the night, showing up at your office, sending you love letters or even planting an unexpected kiss on you – just because they thought you were flirting (beginning a courtship) and it got their hormones racing. Flirting is a powerful tool in attracting a mate. Used correctly, it can reap wonderful rewards. But if you are already in a relationship, it can bring disaster.

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Taming the Tube Several years ago Athena and I were trying to rearrange the furniture in our living room. No matter what we tried to do there were complications. Sometimes we couldn't move the furniture because the cable outlet wasn’t on the right wall. Other times there would be a glare on the television screen if it was in a certain place. Then we had to consider the placement of the sofa so we wouldn't strain our neck when we watched television. Finally, we realized that we were arranging all of our living room furniture around our television. We knew that we were watching too much television anyway so we decided to move our one television out of the most used room of the house and put it in a room that was barely visited. It was the best rearranging we ever did. A lot of people not only arrange their furniture around their television, they arrange their entire life around it too. It is amazing the number of couples we know who watch anywhere from 20 to 30 hours of television each week (the national average in the United States) yet still complain that they are so busy. I'm not going to bash television. It can have some useful purposes in a relationship. However, most couples do not watch television responsibly and their relationship takes a turn for the worse because of it. Here are some ways you can control the television instead of it controlling you: •

Set a television watching goal for the family. For example, you might agree to watch a maximum of 10 hours each week. Get the weekly television listing and decide together which shows are most important to you. Write a log of the shows you will watch that week and stick to it.

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Use your VCR. Instead of planning your week around what's on television, tape the shows you want to see. You won't be tempted to keep watching the television once your show is over. Plus, you can fast forward through those commercials. It will also help eliminate the time waster of channel surfing.

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Cut the cable. Cable makes it far too easy and tempting to do nothing but plop down in front of the television all week long. The monthly savings will give you some extra funds to have a date night each week instead.

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Take your television out of the central room of the house and put it "out of the way." If it is in plain site, it is far too tempting to turn it on "just for a minute" (yeah, right -- like eating just one potato chip).

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Try to go for an entire month or at least a week without television and that will show you just how much you’re addicted to it.

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Make sure there are a lot of good alternatives for television around the house. Stock up on playing cards, board games, craft projects, a ping pong table, a two person hammock or other things that can bring you closer and encourage communication. Attend dance lessons, a couples bible study or do some regular 6

charity work instead of wasting two hours each night in front of the "tube." It will be far more rewarding personally and to your relationship. •

If you watch television, be sure to pick some shows that aren't mindless. Find a program that both you and your sweetheart might like that will spark good communication. After the show, turn off the television and discuss what you just watched.

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If you need something to help you unwind after a hard day at work, take a leisurely stroll with your mate, soak in the bathtub (together if there is room), give each other back massages, do yoga, search for four leaf clovers or find some other alternative to being a TV zombie.

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Don't fall into the trap of buying an extra television so that you can watch different shows at the same time. That might be a good solution for average relationships, but not for blissful ones. Watching television doesn't take any work. Having a blissful relationship and a loving family does.

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World’s Best Mother’s Day Gift In the United States we celebrate Mother’s Day every May. It is a time to honor our mothers and remind them how special they are to us. Each year many of us wonder what is the best present we can give to our moms. Without a doubt, the absolutely best present any son can give to his mother is to be a great husband and father. And when daughters build a happy and loving home for her husband and children, that too brings so much joy to her mother. A mother's main job is to instill core values into each of her children. From the time they are babes, she teaches them about sharing, respect, love and forgiveness. Most mothers encourage their children to say kind words and to play nice. And when we actually do those things, it brings great honor to those who reared us. Of course the opposite is true. If we are slothful, foul-mouthed and disrespectful, it brings shame to our moms. If we aren't a loving husband or a kind-hearted wife, then our mothers feel as though they must have failed somewhere. I can imagine the joy Wilbur and Orville Wright must have felt when their airplane took flight. They spent years investing so much of their life into building this machine. In the end, it did what they planned and designed it to do. All of us are creations. We come out of the womb a very basic model. It is our parents who help us to talk, walk and relate. At some point, it is time for us to leave the nest and put into practice everything we have learned. When your relationships take flight, you can be certain that your mom is filled with so much joy after the years she has invested in you. This Mother’s Day, honor your mother by being the most loving boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife you can be. In fact, make every day Mother’s Day.

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Confessions of a Sofa Sleeper A few months back I slept on the couch. Let me explain. I got some sort of cold and was feeling miserable. I didn’t want Athena to feel awful and to suffer like I was so I did everything I could to prevent her from getting the virus from me. That included sleeping on the couch and even using the guest bathroom to keep my germs far away from her. By my sleeping in the living room, Athena wasn’t awakened every couple of hours by my hacking cough or when I blew my nose for what seemed like minutes. She was able to have a good night sleep and therefore I even benefited because she was in good health to be able to take care of me (well, she actually pampered me quite nicely). Sleeping on the couch really wasn’t so bad. Our couch is long and quite comfortable. Also, because I was so tired I ended up sleeping through much of the day and I would wake up in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back to sleep. We put the television and VCR right in front of the couch. Athena rented a bunch of comedies (laughter is good medicine) for me so I just watched the videos until I could fall asleep again. All this without having to wake her. Some people have the motto: If I suffer, I want the whole world to suffer along with me. Or "if momma ain't happy, nobody is happy." In blissful relationships, it is just the opposite.

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If and When When I asked for my readers’ input on the impact of children on marriage I received hundreds of replies. Many who wrote were boldly honest in stating that their marriage was fine before children but fell apart afterwards. Of course it wasn't the children that caused the divorce, but the changes that are inevitable whenever a family structure is altered. Perhaps the most common problem couples have regarding children is their lack of planning and understanding how children will change the dynamics of a marriage. Before we move on let me say some very important words here. Couples DO NOT have to have children. It does not make them deficient in any way. In fact, couples who choose not to have children for the right reasons deserve a lot of praise. They are far wiser than couples who have children for the wrong reasons. Not having children is the RIGHT choice for many couples. Way too many couples have children, when indeed they shouldn't. There are many great reasons for not having children: • • • • • •

You believe your part of the world is already overpopulated and you are doing your part for the betterment of mankind You want to have the extra income and time to be able to do more charitable work and service You don't think you have the right temperament for raising children You don't have a desire to have children You don't have the income to raise a child the way you think they should be raised You value your relationship and honestly think children would cause serious problems in your marriage (probably because of one of the above reasons)

There are two stages in planning your family. DATING The purpose of dating is to build friendships and to determine if two people are compatible partners for marriage. The issue of children should be brought up BEFORE a couple gets engaged. While your views on children might change as you age, it is crucial to be honest with your thoughts on children. If your answers conflict in a major way then hopefully you have the wisdom and maturity not to get married. Here are a few important questions to ask each other. • • • •

Do you want children? If you were unable to bear children, would you want to adopt? How many children do you think you want to have? What sort of parenting style would you use? Many couples have serious arguments (and may even divorce) over disagreements on how their children are disciplined and reared. If you haven't given much thought about it, be sure to go 10

to the library and check out several books on different parenting styles before you get engaged. NEWLYWEDS A blissful relationship needs to build a solid foundation before introducing children into the nest. I received a lot of notes from couples who said they had children too early in their marriage. They didn't have time to build a marriage before they were thrown into parenthood and their marriage nearly unraveled (or did) because of it. Unless a couple has been dating for several years and their "clock" is ticking loudly, there is no reason for having children within the first two years of marriage. The best advice I ever heard on this issue is: don't have children until you really, really, really want to have a child. Athena and I wanted to do a lot of traveling and have a lot of fun and build a solid relationship before we tried to have children. We also wanted Athena to stay at home when we had children so we waited until that was possible. We had an awesome time seeing the world and doing a lot of things as a couple and were finally ready to slow down our pace before we had Ashton. There were absolutely no regrets with us waiting as long as we did. Do not let friends, relatives or society pressure you into having children or into having children too early in your relationship. A couple doesn't need children to be blissful and they certainly need a few years of growing deeply in love before they expand their family.

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Living with Children A lot of my readers commented that a big mistake made when they became parents is forgetting they were a husband/wife. It is very tempting to let this cute little bundle of joy become the center of your world and to identify yourself first as mom or dad. Your husband or wife should always come first. While that might sound unloving to your children, it actually gives them a great deal of comfort and stability knowing that their parents are very much in love with each other. The following are tips sent in by readers. Be sure to let your children see you kissing, holding hands and snuggling. They might find it gross at some stage in their life but it will be an invaluable lesson as to the importance of intimacy in a relationship. Spend time making memories instead of spending money making clutter; children enjoy the boxes more than the toys that came inside. Schedules breed security; it's is really nice to know what will happen next, especially, when you're talking about food, or parents coming home. Church is important. Go as a couple and continue after the children come along. Start early by taking the child and establish the pattern of going as a family. Church fellowship and others giving encouragement is needed, especially in this day and age when families are so fractured. We need the mentoring of older godly men and women. When the children misbehave, be united in your discipline! Even if you don't agree with a particular decision, stand united. Kids learn quickly how to divide and conquer and play one parent against the other. If at all possible be a stay at home Mom all through their schooling. The first thing teens yell out when they come home is "Mom." It isn't only the young ones that need a parent in the home to meet them, the teens do too even if they would never admit to it. A smoothly run home and a sense of calm at home are worth a great deal more. Limit what the children can be involved in. They don't need to be doing every activity or sport that comes along. Especially don't start too early. Let the kids be kids and let them have child's play. You may want your child to excel at some particular activity, but remember it is you that will be taking them to all the practices and going to all the games, bringing the snack and buying the coaches gift at the end of the season. These activities all have their place but shouldn't take over family life. Do not let the kids interfere with you and your mates sex life. Do not say, "We can't do it now the kids will hear." So what if they hear, how did they get here? In all actuality if the children happen to hear you, and are old enough to realize what is going on, they will be happy knowing that their parents love each other. Children learn by example. Even though they may cry when you go out to a movie, plead that you take them with you, even find ways to try to make the two of you feel guilty, DON'T give into that! The example of being a loving couple to your spouse will 12

far outweigh the fear they have when you go out on your 'date'. Reassure them, make sure they are comfortable and safe with the person you are leaving them with, you may even give them a call before they go to bed, but do not ruin your marriage to save a relationship with your children. It will only backfire later. They will see that if they whine enough they will get their way and become spoiled by you. We have consistently put the children to bed together, keeping a routine that they can count on through the years. As the children have gotten older the routine is Daddy doing the "flying bananas into bed" routine while Mommy prepares to read a story or hear bedtime prayers. Once the children are in bed, we know we have time to steal away to our little "haven" to enjoy recounting the day and listing the blessings together. My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years; combined we have 5 children ages 3-12. We home school full-time in addition to the many various extra activities that the children belong to. Everyone knows that Friday nights belong to Mom & Dad! We may go out to eat; take in a movie; or just go to the bedroom and lock the door! Just these few hours alone seem to recharge our batteries to keep the FAMILY a healthy & happy unit. I have been divorced for twelve years and one of the things that might have helped us keep our relationship strong would have been to leave the kids with a babysitter once in a while. We never did that, we never even thought of doing that. Once the kids were born we never went out as just a couple. Again, we never even thought of it, too bad, because, even though we love our kids so very much we lost touch with each other. The very first thing we decided was that our bedroom was off limits. Not only children, but mother/mother-in-law, friend, guests...and so on. It is our peaceful haven from the world. We decorated it in a pleasing manner to both of us and we can both relax after work and kid's bedtime with disruption. The kids know they will be going to bed at the same time every night. If a television show comes on after bedtime we will tape it for them. There is not discussion or argument on this issue. This in turn allows my husband and me at least 2 hours of 'child-free' time in the evenings. Although schedules are wonderful, it is important to also teach your children early on to be flexible. Otherwise, it is impossible to travel or do other things that might make them miss a nap or eat a couple hours late.

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Questions, Questions and More Questions Many of you are probably aware that in many countries the bride and groom don't really know each other before they get married. Well, that actually happens in every country. I've known men and women who "dated" for 3, 6 or even 12 months who were surprised at who the person they married really was. A woman told me that after she was married for a couple of months she found out her husband hated kids. A man wrote to me to say that he discovered several years into his marriage that his wife had been in prison. Other men and women have been shocked to learn what their mate thought about sex, religion, careers, household work, money and the future. In fact, many of these differences have been what have led couples to divorce court. I believe a lot fewer couples would get divorced if they actually knew each other before they got married (or even afterwards). The best way to really know someone is with questions. Here are just a few questions to get you started. They are from my best-seller, 1000 Questions for Couples. You can get the rest of the questions at my website, http://www.questionsforcouples.com What rituals could be added to our relationship on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis that would help us to remain close? Do you need to hear "I love you" or similar words on a regular basis from your partner? What does my family do that annoys you? If a fire destroyed your home and all of your belongings, what would you do? If you could take out three things before the blaze, what would they be? (Assuming there is no one in the house at the time of the fire.) When you are sick and feeling poorly, do you like to be alone or do you like to be pampered and have someone close to your side most of the time? Do you think you would prefer a calm, loving, consistent marriage or one that was full of excitement, wild times and rocky patches? What makes you feel secure and safe? Which do you think should have the final say in decisions - logic or emotions? Why? What five things have you done in your life that you are most proud of? If your partner had an affair, how would you react? Could you forgive him or her? Over the last five years how do you think you have changed for the worse? Better? On which topics do you feel qualified at giving advice? 14

If you could live one year of your life all over again without changing a thing, what year would you choose? Why? Do you prefer receiving expensive gifts or ones that come from the heart? What first attracted you to me? How has that one attraction changed since then? If you suddenly became blind, how would your idea of the perfect mate change? Are you currently comfortable with your body? If not, what would you change to make you comfortable? What do you think are your optimum hours of sleep to be fully energized? If you could plan any vacation for us, where would it be? Is there anyone you would be willing to die for? If your dear friends wanted you to donate sperm or eggs because they were infertile, would you do so? How would you feel about your mate doing so? What about donating them for a couple that would remain anonymous? Do you believe there is one right person for you out there in the world or that there can be many different potential mates that you could live blissfully with? If you and your spouse had two cars, one much nicer than the other, who do you think should drive the newer vehicle? Would it make any difference if only one of you worked? What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing? Is there anything you feel you must accomplish before you die? What steps do you need to take to achieve these goals? Which family members should we buy birthday or special holidays gifts for (parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc.)? If you had to pick a different city to live in with your sweetheart and proximity to family and friends didn't matter, which city would it be? If you had to take a paid sabbatical and couldn't work for an entire year, what would you most like to do? If someone wanted to give you a $50 gift certificate to use on yourself, which store/theatre/spa would you tell him or her you wanted it from? How do you feel about friends, relatives or people in need living in your house for a year? These questions are just the tip of the iceberg. Hundreds more questions need to be asked to really know the person you love. 15

A Blissful Couple I've known Bud and Dorothy Adison for 15 years now and they are as blissful as any two people I've ever met. I met them when they used to take "Grandma" Adison for evening strolls on my college campus and befriended a number of us students. The Adisons had a very pleasant home about a 20 minute car ride away and on several Saturday mornings a group of us students would drive there to feast on Norwegian pancakes, lox, bagels, fresh squeezed orange juice and other wonderful delights. But honestly, we enjoyed their company even more than the food. Dorothy was a retired British Airways flight attendant and Bud was retired from several careers, most recently high school principal. Grandma was about 90 the first time we went over and she entertained us by reciting from memory dozens of poems she had written during her long life. I never once heard Bud or Dorothy raise their voice to one another. I never heard them complain about anything. They were actively involved in their church and volunteered in the community, keeping a busier schedule than most of us college kids. We all looked up to Bud and Dorothy and often commented to each other that we wished we could have that sort of relationship and love for one another. One thing I forgot to mention. Bud and Dorothy aren't husband and wife. They are brother and sister. Neither has ever married. They bought a house and moved in together about 30 years ago so they could better take care of their elderly mother (which they lovingly did until she was 97). Years after their mother's death they still live together, travel together and entertain together. They truly have a blissful relationship. In too many cultures single people are seen as incomplete. Some unmarried men and women consider themselves failures if they are unable to attract a mate. In my opinion, the only thing you need to be complete is a relationship with your Creator. While it is not good for men (or women) to be alone, no one should get married just to prevent loneliness. If you do, you are likely to have far worse situations to deal with than feeling lonely. By now you probably know that I have what I believe to be an incredible wife. My marriage adds so much to my life. But I would be inconsiderate and incorrect to say that marriage should be the goal of everyone. There are men and women who can have very fulfilling lives while being single. For some it is even an honorable goal. While those of us who have wonderful marriages are indeed blessed, blissful relationships aren't limited to a husband and wife. You can get wonderful satisfaction out of a blissful relationship with friends, brothers, sisters, parents and even grandparents. Anyone who knows Bud and Dorothy would agree that they couldn't possibly be more "complete."

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Weight Not Want Not It is a cruel trick of nature how our bodies turn on us as we approach middle age. We tend to sag, expand, ache and tire. And then we complain about our bodies and perhaps our spouse’ bodies. Unfortunately, women's figures tend to change more dramatically than men's as they age and especially so after childbirth. I am generalizing here, but most women are more sensitive than men regarding their weight and are greatly affected by those changes. They deeply desire to look good for themselves and for their husbands. One of my wife's girlfriends had problems keeping the weight off, especially since her husband didn't care to exercise and could eat practically anything he wanted and wouldn't gain an ounce. Apparently, her husband didn't care too much about her being overweight, but it was an obsession of hers and constantly brought down her selfesteem and therefore, it adversely affected their marriage. If any of us find ourselves in that situation (male or female), there are several things we could do. First, consider creating a fitness routine that you could do with your spouse. It could be tennis, golf, swimming, aerobics or whatever you would enjoy doing together. Even a 20 to 40 minute walk together after dinner would be extremely beneficial. Not only would both of you be in better shape, you would spend more quality time together. Also, if your mate has a particular weakness for certain foods, it would be considerate of you not to indulge in them in front of him or her or to bring that food home from the grocery store. Just because you don't have a weight problem (or even if you do), it doesn't mean you should eat chocolate cake in front of your sweetheart when you know it would be torture or more than he or she can resist. It is not uncommon for many men to demand that they eat red meat and a starch (pasta, corn or potatoes) every night for supper. If his wife desires to lose weight, it often means that she has to cook two different dinners - one for herself and one for the rest of the family. As many wives will attest, there is barely enough time to prepare one meal, let alone two. I am not advocating that one should have to eat carrot sticks and celery for supper, but merely to have understanding, compassion and a little bit of flexibility in the meals that are expected. If it means so much to you to eat a certain type of meal each night, you might try learning to prepare it yourself. Most importantly is your attitude towards your spouse's weight. Many people feel that if they complain, ridicule or embarrass their sweetheart about their weight, it will come off easier and quicker. First, the majority of men and women I know do not respond positively to that sort of tactic and often the reverse will happen - they will actually gain weight. Secondly, there are many things we should try to change in this world. Your spouse's weight is just not one of them.

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Commitment Can Kill a Relationship Commitment is one of the major enemies of relationships - one of the chief reasons divorce is rampant in our society. I'm not talking about the commitment you make to one another when you marry -- the commitment to love each other no matter if you become rich or poor, healthy or sick, etc. Some people believe that once they "give their word" there is no going back. Society often depicts those who change their minds as weak-willed, indecisive or lacking conviction. In many cases, those who are willing to change their minds are exhibiting incredible courage and maturity. There would be far fewer divorces and a great deal more blissful relationships if men and women were brave enough to change their minds more often. Here are just a few major areas that someone should be mature enough to change his or her commitment on: •

Not wanting to get married even though you are already engaged

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Desiring more or less children even though you agreed on a certain number while dating

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Admitting that your present career is unchallenging or emotionally draining and that you would prefer to switch to a career that is more satisfying yet far less lucrative

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Willing to admit when you have a spiritual yearning even though you dogmatically stated for years that you were an atheist or agnostic

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Deciding to forgive someone (or say you were wrong or sorry) even though you previously said hell would freeze over before that would happen

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Agreeing to go to counseling for a problem with your marriage (or for a personal issue) even though you made a vow that you would never darken the office of a "shrink"

Of course there are many other areas where it is completely ok (and sometimes very wise) to change one's mind. While there is a place for life-long commitments in relationships, truly blissful ones have the sort of accepting love that enables them to grow and change together.

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Paid for Your Opinions When Athena and I lived in Pasadena, California we used to get paid for our movie dates. Hollywood spends millions of dollars to make their films but it also costs them millions more to place the movie in theaters across the country. If they know a film is going to bomb they won't bother spending millions to market it and release it. How do they know it is going to bomb? Feedback. Athena and I regularly accepted free passes to go to movie test screenings on Tuesday nights. We had to show up about an hour ahead of time but it was worth the wait. Employees from the studio collected our passes and swapped them out for tickets. They would talk to us about our jobs, ages, and our movie viewing habits. If we matched the profile they were seeking, they would ask us if we would be able to stay after the screening was over to talk to the producers about the film. We always accepted. A couple hundred of us marched into the theater and we watched the free screening of a movie that was scheduled for release within the next six months. Afterwards, the film studio passed out feedback forms while we were still in our seats. For ten minutes or so the audience rated the film based on various criteria including characters, plot and storytelling. We wrote down our favorite scenes and the ones that annoyed us. After most of the people left, Athena and I and about 10 others sat in front of the theater and discussed the film even further in front of important studio executives. When we were done, we were each given $20 for our input. Depending on the sort of audience feedback the screening received, the film could be seriously altered or sent straight to the video stores. On several occasions, endings have been completely changed based on audience feedback. No movie studio wants to see its film bomb at the box office. They spend a lot of time and effort to keep that from happening. Not only does audience feedback help them from releasing lemons, critical input can turn a good film into a great film. How much do you value feedback in your relationship? At one time Athena and I had an unwed pregnant lady living with us. While we don't expect things to be blissful, we believe that an open dialog and honest feedback will help all of our relationships with each other. We instituted a weekly family forum where we ask questions to determine how our family is doing. It is a time for us to determine what is working and what needs altering. The sooner we get feedback on something that is broken, the less damage will occur in our family. I believe that couples should have feedback nights too if they aren't giving feedback on a regular basis. Too often input isn't given because it isn't requested.

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So, go ahead and make a list and ask your mate how you are doing. Here are just a few questions to get you started. •

How do you feel about the cleanliness of the house?

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Do you think we spend enough time together?

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Are you satisfied with how often we make love?

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Do you think I do enough of the housework?

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Do you like my hair shorter or longer?/ Do you prefer me with or without a beard/mustache?

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Do you think we should try to improve our spiritual life?

•

Do you feel like I listen to you when you talk to me?

If you don't seek feedback in your relationship, it is very likely to bomb in the future. But remember that good feedback can make a good relationship great.

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My First AA Meeting This past week I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I wish I had gone earlier. Like most of society I have a little bit of anxiety about the unknown. I didn't know what to expect when I agreed to bring a friend to an AA meeting. Would the room be filled with "scary" people -- those you picture hanging out in seedy bars all night? Or perhaps everyone in the room would be all straight-laced and uptight -- looking down on everyone who wasn’t as "righteous" as they were. There were about 50 people there on the night I took my friend (our city has meetings every night of the week - sometimes three or four to choose from each day). It was an "open" meeting so as a non-alcoholic I was welcome. The people there were no different from the crowd I might find at the movie theater. There were teenagers and there were retirees. There were bikers and there were bankers. Housewifes and waitresses. People arrived in Jaguars and some came by bus. Some people were quiet and reserved. Others were outgoing and very warm and friendly. The meeting lasted about one hour. And in case you were wondering, you only speak up if you want to. You won't be called on and asked to share your testimony. Now I realize that this information would appear to be useless to most of you. But if I encourage just one person who reads this book to seek help it will have been worth it. Hopefully you will never need it for you or your mate but I can almost guarantee you that you will come across an addict at some point in your life and maybe the only way he or she will ever become sober is if you recommend and offer to accompany them to a recovery program. If a friend (or your mate) confided in you that he or she had a problem with drugs, food, alcohol, sex, pornography, anger or other addiction, would you know where to turn? If they had a problem but didn't want any help, do you know where YOU could go for professional support? It is my prayer that if you have been battling with something and you keep losing, that you will admit that you are powerless over your addiction and you will make the second step in overcoming what is keeping your relationship from being truly blissful. Below you will find a website that links to hundreds of different recovery programs. Please realize that websites are not often updated frequently so email or call someone to find out the meeting closest to you (some even have on-line meetings). www.onlinerecovery.org If any of you want to open up to someone about your addiction but can't talk to your spouse or friends quite yet, feel free to send me an email and I'll help where I can.

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Go Away! "Calgon, take me away." Raise you hand if you have ever said that phrase or thought you needed to be taken away from a stressful situation. Our bodies need sleep to be refreshed each night. When we don't get enough rest we get irritable and we function at much less than what our bodies are designed for. Robbing ourselves of sleep and rest over a long period can be detrimental to our physical health. Our relationships need to be refreshed as well. Athena and I recently returned from a weekend retreat. We schedule at least four or five getaways each year. Most are only for the weekend but we do go on a weeklong retreat each fall. Perhaps we have a blissful relationship because we are constantly recharging our marriage so it doesn't have a chance to get run down. Some of our getaways are for physical rest and relaxation. Other trips are designed for spiritual rejuvenation, which is equally important. Many couples go on very helpful retreats that are geared towards marriage enrichment with workshops and lectures on relationship skills. See http://www.smartmarriages.com for a good listing of marriage retreats. Now, let's not confuse retreats with vacations. Athena and I go on a lot of vacations too -- visiting family or site seeing the world. Many of our vacations are so jam packed with activities that we are drained when we come home. Vacations are often hard on the pocketbook with travel, food and entertainment expenses. Some couples find that busy vacations pull them apart, not draw them together. Retreats are specifically designed for recharging, not on overloading the senses. A retreat doesn't have to be expensive. Many churches and organizations sponsor retreats at hotels, resorts or campgrounds that cost less than $100 a person for the weekend. Even a weekend spent at a friend's house can qualify as a retreat if you spend most of it relaxing. Check in at a nearby cheap hotel with a swimming pool and you can recharge for less than $150 for two nights. Or find a more expensive hotel that has 50 percent off coupons like you would find in discount books. Go camping at a nearby state park. Some even have cabins for rent. While a personal retreat can be useful and important, make sure most of your retreats are spent as a couple. During the time away, talk about your hopes and dreams. Discuss religion and politics if it won't cause an argument. Set goals for your relationship and begin planning other retreats. Find a good book of questions to read to each other like I discussed earlier in the book. You spend money to keep your car serviced so it will last longer. You maintain your house so it won't fall apart. Do you invest in your relationship so it too will last? And if you still don't think you can afford a much-needed retreat, how much do you believe a divorce will cost you?

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Is Your Basket Missing? A guy sees a cute girl and has a goal of meeting her. They become friends and after a while the girl has a goal of becoming more than friends. Then their goal might be for an exclusive relationship. Soon they have a goal to be engaged, then married. Sadly, that is when most couples stop making relationship goals and perhaps one of the chief reasons why so many marriages fail. What are your relationship goals? What plans have you made to achieve those goals? I'm not talking about physical accumulations like vacation homes, trips abroad or having x number of children. Those are material goals and don't have any indication on the state of your relationship. Even though I've been married for over 13 years I still have relationship goals. Here are some of them. 1. Have a blissful relationship 2. Never fight 3. Always forgive 4. Say a loving endearment to Athena at least once a day 5. Go on a retreat at least twice a year 6. Discuss our long-term goals at least every six months 7. Grow closer by serving our church and community together There are others but I think those will give you some sort of idea of the type of goals I mean. The importance of goal setting in your relationship is that if you don't have a goal, you are unlikely to reach it. As you have probably heard "if you fail to plan, then plan to fail." If a couple never had a goal of getting married, it is unlikely they would ever plan a wedding and actually tie the knot. Likewise, it is unlikely that someone will have a blissful relationship unless they actually state it is a goal of theirs and take the steps necessary to make that happen. For my goals like going on retreats or discussing our long-term goals semi-annually, Athena and I can mark them in the calendar to help us fulfill them. For our goal of a fight-free marriage we instituted certain guidelines for discussing our differences (you can read more about how Athena and I maintain a fight-free marriage in my first volume, 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships http://www.50secrets.com) Once you set a goal you can create a plan for making it happen. It is important for you and your mate to sit down and discuss your mutual goals. Then ask each other "what steps do we need to take to reach each goal?" For example, a couple might have a goal of excellent communication. They might then write down certain steps that each of them will take to make it a reality. Like: 1. Call each other from work at least once a day. 2. Spend 30 minutes uninterrupted time each day conversing at home. 23

3. Go on a date night at least every two weeks that encourages communication (movies don’t count for obvious reasons). 4. If one person wants to talk, the other will not go to sleep until the issue is resolved. 5. On January 1 of each year we will write letters to each other summarizing the past year and stating our hopes and dreams for the coming year. You can both put your list in writing and refer back to it from time to time for a progress report or sometimes just discussing the list is all that is necessary for simple goals. A marriage without goals is like a basketball court without a basket. It might be fun running around for a little bit but you'll get a bit frustrated after a while without something to aim for, not to mention a purpose for being on the court in the first place.

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The Case of the Missing Column For several years I have been writing a column on secrets that keep a relationship blissful. One month I didn't write one. I wasn't sick. I wasn't away on vacation. But I did have a good reason. I have enough work to keep me busy for 16 hours a day if I choose to devote myself that long to my career. There are books to write, interviews to give, a website to update, personal appearances to make, email to answer and so on. If I'm not careful, I can let my career become my life. I was doing some remodeling on the house and I had a deadline to meet before the drywall went up. Other activities and duties began piling up like a super tall order of pancakes. I soon realized something would have to be neglected if I tried to do everything on my work "to do" list. When I saw that I did not have enough time in the week to accomplish everything I needed to get done, I began assessing my priorities. If I tried to take care of everything on my To Do list, I wouldn't have much time to spend with Athena. While I love and care for my nearly 100,000 subscribers of my Secrets of Blissful Relationships mailing list, I love Athena more. I could spend two to three hours alone in my office writing, editing and assembling the column or I could spend that time laughing, talking and playing with my wife Athena and my son Ashton. I guess you know the outcome. I wish I could say I always make the right decision between time spent working and time spent with my family. For those of us who have jobs we love (or at least find somewhat enjoyable) it is easy to let our careers careen our lives. We find satisfaction in finishing a work project on time or meeting and exceeding company (or personal) goals. If we work long hours we get the respect and admiration of our boss and peers for our "dedication and sacrifice." Men especially derive a sense of pride for being able to provide well for their families. But if you want even more respect and admiration, have a blissful relationship. There are few things more inspiring than a person who makes it known that any extra time at work means less time with those he or she loves. One who risks career advancement for family advancement should be a star in everyone's eyes. It is often easy to work too much at the office because there we have specific goals and projects to finish while we rarely have concrete goals in regard to family time. If you are goal oriented, and want something to try to meet and exceed, here are just a few things you can aim for. Consider making up a monthly chart (or having your kids do it) to track your progress. Our Family-time Goals •

Spend "x" hours of quality time each day/week with the family for an entire month.

•

Make it home on time for dinner every night this week 25

•

Work no more than "x" hours of overtime the whole month

•

Get all the kids in bed by ______ p.m. every night so you and your spouse can spend at least 1 solid hour of together time talking (no TV or serious distractions)

•

No more than "x" hours the television/internet can be on during family time

•

Cut our family expenses by "x" percent so I or my mate can work "x" less hours each week

And one final goal -- write down your goals this week!

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Buying Time Have you ever heard the story of the little boy who kept pestering his father to tell him how much he makes an hour? When the father finally tells his young son that he makes $20 an hour, the boy asks if he could borrow $10. "Why do you need $10?" asks the dad. "So I can buy half an hour of your time," replies the son. Some couples work so hard earning that $10, $20 or $30 an hour they have little time for each other or their children. And when they aren't working at the office, they are working at home: cooking, cleaning, walking the dog or cutting the grass. Couples might want to consider hiring out some of the chores, if funds allow, so you have more time to spend with each other (not to work more hours at the office or go off and play golf or go shopping with your friends). Sure it is an "unnecessary expense" but it may prove to be cheaper than a marriage counselor if you aren't spending enough quality time together. Here are some ways you can consider "buying time." •

Hire a house cleaner to come once or twice a week

•

If you have indoor dogs, consider finding a dog walker. This is especially a good idea if you fight over whose turn it is to be the pooper scooper.

•

Hire a neighborhood kid to cut your grass

•

Find a laundry service that picks up, washes and delivers

•

There is now an abundance of cooking services that will prepare an entire weeks worth of homemade meals for you to freeze and reheat

•

Use a grocery shopping service. You can find many of them on-line

Before you decide to "buy time" consider how much you make an hour and how much an hour the service will cost you. It doesn't make sense to have to work two extra hours a week to pay for someone to cut your grass for one hour. But if you worked just one hour of overtime and could afford to pay someone to do 4 hours worth of chores, it might well be worth it.

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Cut it Out! Relationships are built on time. If you never spent a minute with your sweetheart there is no chance that you would even be in a relationship. The more hours, days and months worth of positive communicating you do, the stronger your ties become and the more successful your relationship can be. If you want a truly blissful relationship you need to carve in a reasonable amount of time in your schedule to be together. Often, that means you need to get rid of something. So let's consider some ways to "simplify" your life and create more time for relaxing and relating with your life mate. Some of these will work for you, others will not. Do what is reasonable for you. •

Unless you really enjoy yard work, consider getting rid of your lawn. Many flowerbeds take considerably less time (and water) to maintain than a lawn. Or, move to a condominium or townhouse where yard maintenance is taken care of for you. Athena and I have lived in condos and townhomes for all of our married life. That is one reason we have the time to do so much fun stuff and travel for long periods.

•

All too often people "inherit" pets that they really never wanted. If you are not strongly attached to your pet, consider offering it to a family who would dearly love it. Pets can take a lot of your time (and money) so don't feel guilty for putting your relationship first.

•

When making a meal like lasagna or a casserole, consider making two or three while all the ingredients are out and put the extra in the freezer for a night when you want to relax. Athena and I bought an upright freezer just so we could do that.

•

Unplug the television. It saps more hours from most couples than anything else. Even worse, television entices you and your children to buy stuff you don't need, making you work more to buy "stuff."

•

Cancel sales catalogs, ezines and magazines you never read (or read out of habit - not out of enjoyment). Take the time to remove your name from junk mail lists. Here is a website where you can do that. http://www.newdream.org/junkmail/step1.html

•

Use automatic bill payment as much as possible. Almost every bill and mortgage can be set up. Most employers are now able to provide automatic deposit.

•

If you use credit cards, consolidate all of them to one card that you use and one as a back up in case of emergencies. Set it up for automatic bill payment too. It will force you to pay it off every month.

•

Don't overwork your kids (and yourself) by signing them up for every possible activity. Let them choose one or two at a time they are most interested in.

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•

Drop out of clubs/organizations that you don't enjoy or don't have much value for you.

Get in the habit of asking yourself, "will this purchase/activity/experience help me to have a more blissful relationship or will it put stress on it?" The more deliberate we are in our decisions on how to spend our time and money, the more likely we are to make choices that will strengthen our relationships.

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How's Your Wife? I'm regularly asked how Athena is doing. I'm asked at church when she's not by my side. My family asks the question when we talk on the phone or over the Internet. Friends pose the same question when our paths cross running errands. Business associates want to know how she is doing. I'm certain that you are asked the same question about your loved one on a regular basis. How do you answer it? At first I would spout the very general response of "she's fine." Over the last few years I realized that I could be a little more specific in my answer. Now when people ask me how is my wife, I am likely to respond more enthusiastically with one of these replies: "She's as beautiful as ever." "Getting cuter every day." "Adorable. Thanks for asking." "She's the best." I feel great boasting about my incredible wife to our family and friends. Athena deserves a lot more than "she's doing ok." She's the best wife in the whole world and I'm not ashamed to let everyone know it. Occasionally, Athena will get wind of my little comments and it will make her day even brighter. She'll sport a bigger smile, give me a few extra hugs and low and behold, she'll get even more beautiful. So tell me, how's your sweetheart?

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Athena's Affair A few weeks ago I found out Athena was having an affair. I found out when one of our best friends told me. It had been going on for about two months. The above is NOT really true but I realize that Athena and I are humans so the episode is a possibility, although a very, very remote one. It is something I have thought about because a relationship is not blissful because it is without trials -- it is blissful because of the way you handle trials. Those familiar with the strategies behind war realize that "surprise" can be one of the most important elements used to defeat the enemy. When the defendants are hit with a surprise attack, it usually confuses and disorients them -- severely limiting their ability to overcome the aggressors. The same can happen to relationships. If you don't formulate a plan for future attacks on your marriage you are likely to become overly emotional, erratic and say and do things that will further damage your relationship when those sudden tragedies appear. When you are calm and levelheaded is the best time to think about the appropriate things to do and say if certain trials ever come your way. Here are some episodes that have the potential to destroy your relationship if not handled correctly. Some should be pondered together, others would be best thought about independently. •

Your spouse is having an affair

•

Your ailing parents/in-laws want to move in with your

•

You just won $100,000

•

Your spouse was just fired

•

Your spouse was arrested and put in jail for drunk driving

•

Your teenage daughter/son is pregnant

•

Your spouse gets ill with depression or another serious illness

•

Your wife has a miscarriage/ is unexpectantly pregnant

Of course it is not good to dwell on negative things but to completely ignore such potential surprise attacks can leave your relationship vulnerable to the enemy. Let me repeat so there is no misunderstanding: Athena did NOT have an affair. It was just an illustration to get your attention.

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The Fear Factor Fear can have a very powerful effect on people. While fear may help people do amazing things or overcome large obstacles it can also be debilitating. I have witnessed far too many relationships that are anchored in fear instead of love. Abusers know the power that fear can have on others and will often use fear to keep someone from leaving them. Do any of these statements apply to your relationship? •

I don't want to break up because I will be lonely

•

I can't leave my boyfriend/girlfriend because I don't think he/she will be able to handle it and might do something crazy

•

If I leave he or she will just come after me

•

I can't support my family on my income alone

•

I don't want to complain because he/she will get into a rage

•

I'm not worthy of a blissful relationship - I deserve this abusive one

It is impossible for your relationship to be blissful (or even marginally happy) if you stay in it out of fear. Don't believe the lies that "no one else will love you like I love you" or "you'll be sorry if you leave me." Anyone who uses power and fear to keep a relationship together has very little love in him or her. If you are the type of person who goes from one abusive, controlling relationship to another, find out why. Analyze why you are initially attracted to abusers (or perhaps you are attracting them) and stop going out with them. Refuse to stay in a mentally or physically abusive relationship even if you have fears (if the abuser agrees to go to counseling with you that is a different situation). There are a lot of support groups (locally and online) who can help give you the courage to break away from relationships that are based on fear. You are a very special person. God loves you, I love you and you deserve a much better relationship.

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The Peace Prize There once was a King who announced all throughout his country that he was sponsoring a contest. He was building a new palace and in the main entrance hall, he wanted to decorate it with a large painting. The King envisioned his kingdom as a land of peace so whoever's painting best symbolized peace would win a very large cash prize. The prize money was enormous so hundreds and hundreds of paintings arrived at the palace over the next few months. They were painted by the most talented men and women in the land. It was a tough decision but finally the King decided on the top two. He put up both paintings in the palace for all the people in the land to see before he announced the winner. The first painting was of a majestic lake. It was the most tranquil lake one could imagine -- so still that the lush hills behind it were perfectly mirrored in its reflection. The sky was a brilliant blue with soft, puffy clouds floating above. Wildflowers were alive in a burst of color around the edge of the lake and a family of deer was calmly grazing in the far meadow. The serenity that this painting portrayed made all who saw it weep with happiness. The second painting was of a tall brazen mountain cliff, rugged and strong. A few small trees grew out of the cracks of the face of the cliff, their gnarled roots looking like they were clawing on for life. A foamy waterfall angrily crashed down the cliff and smashed into the near barren land below. Above, ominous clouds loomed and in the distance, lighting was being unleashed with a fury. And then there was a small bush growing half way up the cliff. In its woody branches was a tiny nest. On it sat a content mother bird, warming her three eggs. After several weeks of open viewing, the King announced the winner. He chose painting number two. The people of the land were confused, upset and some even furious. Then the King explained his decision. He told the people in his country that peace is not the same as the absence of conflict. Peace is first and foremost a state of mind. Those who know and have real peace have love in their hearts even when turmoil and turbulence surround them. If you don't feel at peace in your relationship, there is likely more that is going on than just external conflicts. Real peace comes from: • • • • • • •

Not trying to change your mate Being content with the blessings you do have and not always wanting more, more, more Not worrying over things in which you have no control Forgiving others of wrongs they have done against you or those you love Always looking for the silver lining in gloomy situations Giving thanks to God for everything, even the trials that make us stronger Knowing God's plan for mankind and trusting in Him

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When Helping Hurts When Athena and I lived out near Los Angeles we saw quite a few panhandlers. Many of them carried signs that said "Will Work for Food." One undercover newspaper reporter went around the city offering simple jobs to these beggars, like mowing his lawn or washing his car in exchange for money or a meal. 19 out of 20 refused the work. They told the reporter that begging was much easier and they made more money doing so. All of us who simply drop money in their cups have enabled them to continue to be drug abusers, alcoholics or at least unsightly, unproductive vagrants. Money is not their problem -- in many cases it adds to their problem. They need mental health treatment (many street people have mental illnesses), drug rehabilitation, counseling, healthy food and job training. Many people like to throw money into the panhandlers cup because it makes you feel good -- or at least it keeps you from feeling guilty. But if you really want to help the problem, donate money to a reputable homeless shelter, drug rehabilitation center or soup kitchen. Don't give beggars what they want -- give them what they need. I wonder how many people are out on the streets because well-meaning friends and family trained them to be that way. I'm sure most of you know first hand a parent or grandparent who regularly bails out a delinquent child, only making him or her more delinquent and irresponsible each time they "help him out." It's like raising a lion from a young cub but never teaching it to hunt. While you gave it everything it needed to live with you, you have done nothing to prepare it to live without you when you release it into the wild. It's called "enabling" and I've seen way too many well-meaning people ruin others, themselves and relationships by constantly bailing loved ones out of trouble. It is called enabling because your actions enable (or help) someone to continue his or her destructive lifestyle. Here are some cases of enabling I have personally witnessed in my family or with friends: • • • • • •

A father continues to give his unemployed adult son money for food and clothes yet the boy just buys drugs with it or simply never gets a job A wife continues to pay all the bills (hers and his) even though her husband never keeps a job more than a few months A grandmother buys expensive gifts for and gives money to her granddaughter who dropped out of high school and refuses to get a job A wife keeps the refrigerator stocked with beer even though her husband is an alcoholic A boyfriend continues to give his pregnant girlfriend money for living expenses but she habitually wastes all of it and cries pitifully for more money A father buys a computer for his son's birthday even though he is addicted to online pornography and stays up all night playing computer games and is flunking out of school because of it 34

• • •

A grandfather keeps bailing his grandson out of jail because every time the grandson says "I've really changed this time." A parent takes his children to see violent movies, buys them video games that teach them to kill and purchases music for them that encourages them to hate A husband caves into his wife's request every time she pitches a fit

While we need to share a lot of love with those we touch, we need to make certain that our actions are actually helping someone to improve instead of giving them the means to stay in their unhealthy lifestyle. While it is very tempting to give loved ones what they want (it makes us feel good -- or at least less guilty), it often leads to destructive behaviors. Give your loved ones what they need – they will eventually thank you for it.

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Not In My Nature A few weeks ago I was doing a radio interview and the interviewer lamented how she couldn't be as warm, loving and affectionate as her husband because it wasn't in her "nature." She grew up with parents who didn't publicly display their affection and therefore she simply wasn't comfortable saying "I love you" and giving regular hugs and kisses. She said her husband was wonderful at expressing his feelings and knew their marriage suffered because she didn't reciprocate. It's interesting how we can try to get away from expressing our love for one another and use "nature" as an excuse. We would never try to use that excuse for not getting a job, taking a bath, feeding our babies or brushing our teeth. For many of us (me included -- bet most of you didn't realize that) it is not easy sharing our hearts and feelings with our spouses. It's not easy working full-time or raising a healthy family either. But we should do it because it is the right thing to do and the end result is far greater than if we don't do those things. I grew up in a family that wasn't very affectionate. My parents divorced before I was a teenager. My three older sisters married and divorced. I knew that if I desired a different outcome for my marriage, I would have to do things that weren't in my "nature." One of those things was regularly expressing my love for my wife. In the early years of my marriage I set a goal to tell Athena that I loved her every day. Also, I made sure we hugged at least once a day. While it wasn't "natural" it eventually became easier and easier. The more I opened up and shared, the more comfortable it became. Sure, I could have hid behind some excuse that "I wasn't brought up that way" or "It's not in my nature" but if I wanted a blissful relationship I would have to overcome those fears. I don't think it is in anyone's "nature" to have a blissful relationship. Instead, it is a decision you make and coupled with wisdom, a strong will, and a little bit of sacrifice, it's yours for the having.

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Romantic Rituals What do you have to look forward to today? This week? How about this month or next year? Hopefully you have much to be anticipating. Its difficult to get bored with your relationship if you always know something loving, fun or exciting is just around the corner. If you lace your marriage with various rituals you can always be certain of good times ahead. When Athena and I had corporate jobs we were fortunate enough to be able to work for the same company. It was there, eight years ago, that we established one of our most meaningful rituals. Each afternoon around three o’clock Athena would come up to my office and we would drink a cup of hot tea and enjoy some cookies, cake or some other "treat" one of us brought to our fifteen minute afternoon break. It was a wonderful way to reconnect during the workday. I still look forward to our little tea break each afternoon. We began a new weekly ritual this past summer. Athena discovered that a New Orleans style snowball stand opened up in town and since I am originally from the New Orleans area it was a real treat to be able to enjoy this tasty treat again. She took me there for a surprise date. Since then, we stop by every Thursday night on our way to our weekly prayer meeting. Now that it is beginning to get colder, perhaps we'll find a place that serves great hot chocolate to continue the weekly tradition. From the first month I was married, I began celebrating our anniversary on the 27th of each month. Sometimes I would take Athena out on a date. Other times I just made a special dinner at home. There were times I bought her nice gifts and other times it was something simple I made. But it was a regular celebration and something we would always look forward to each month. There are several yearly rituals we enjoy. Ever since I was a child, I looked forward to our annual fall vacation. It is something Athena and I still do. Starting seven or so years ago we began building a gingerbread house each Thanksgiving. It is always a different design and so much fun to create (and eat). We put on an annual Autumn Party for the youth at church with bobbing for apples, carving pumpkins, making caramel apples and other fun stuff. It is a more wholesome tradition than Halloween, which I do not celebrate in any way. There are many more daily, weekly and annual traditions, which help keep the bliss in our marriage. If you want to incorporate some romantic rituals into your relationship, check out the large selection of ideas on my site at http://www.theromantic.com/stories/rituals/main.htm So what are you looking forward to doing with your mate tonight, next week or later this month? If nothing much comes to mind, consider starting some romantic rituals.

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All Work and No Play I once heard someone describe romance as adult play. I like that concept. I personally believe true romance involves much more play than passion. While passion is important, we often feel "too mature" to have fun. Nonsense! Those who know me consider me to be one of the biggest kids around. I don't know of any rule that says I can no longer participate in water balloon fights or shoot people with silly string. I still get excited when I hear the music of the ice cream truck as it comes into our neighborhood. Playing is a big part of Athena's and my blissful relationship. Sure, there is always work to be done around the house or in the yard, but living life and enjoying it is so much more important, healthy – and fun. I could spend every waking hour doing paperwork, removing weeds or cleaning up around the house but I much prefer taking my wife out to eat an ice cream cone or looking for four leaf clovers in a big clover patch. When was the last time you did that? Do you ever walk in the woods or meadows together and pick bouquets of wild flowers? How about playing hide and seek or kick the can with your children or the neighborhood kids? When did you last skip rocks on water or race leaves down a stream? I love to bake cookies with my wife and eat them piping hot out of the oven and drink a big, cold glass of milk. Yumm! Perhaps the media calls me the World's Most Romantic Man (which I doubt is true) because I am the world's biggest kid. I think there might be a connection. Is the kid inside you lost? If so, you better go find him. I've gotta go now. I hear the ice cream truck.

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Fantasy Island What do romance novels, travel magazines, luxury home publications and soap operas have in common? All have the ability to ruin your relationship. Now, before someone jumps to the conclusion that I am condemning all the above, I am not. But you have to ask yourself a couple of questions. Do the books, magazines or television shows you regularly view encourage you to improve yourself or do they just make you feel insecure, resentful or ungrateful for who you are and what you have? Do the shows or publications cause you to constantly fantasize about a prettier husband/wife, more money, possessions, fame or influence? Several months back I began to think about purchasing a different home. I checked out books at the library on upscale homes. I drove by lots of gorgeous properties and wondered what it would be like to live in one of them. I read the real estate section in the paper, seeing if our dream home was in there. Athena, Aston and I already have a great home that is far larger than average. It is in an ideal location within a safe and pleasant neighborhood. Most people anywhere in the world would consider where we live to be a huge blessing. It is. Only I had forgotten that. I had seen too many decorating magazines and books and had watched too many television programs that showcased the mansions and luxury homes that .01 percent of the US population live in. There are a few flaws in the place we currently own, but we decided that we can actually fix those instead of searching for "greener pastures" at the moment. I almost gave up a great home and saddled my family with too much debt because some fantasy made me greedily want more. I finally snapped out of it and focused on all the wonderful qualities our current home has. With that contentment I found great peace. If you are continually unhappy about some aspect of your relationship or life, take out a sheet of paper and write down all the wonderful parts you can think of. After you have written down all that come to mind, jot down the everyday things you take for granted. For example, if you lived in the middle of the African desert, what wouldn't you have? Then give thanks to your partner in a letter or in person for all his or her wonderful qualities and thank God for giving them to you. Perhaps your relationship isn't as bad as it seems. Maybe you are trying to live the life that for the most part only exists in books, magazines and television shows. While you should always look for ways to improve yourself and your relationship, you need to be careful to keep fantasies from sabotaging what wonderful things you already have.

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Fighting, Forgiving and Forgetting Most couples fight. And no, it is not healthy for a relationship to fight (nor is it healthy to ignore problems in your marriage). I need to define "fight." Fighting is not the same as arguing your point or disagreeing on a matter. You can argue or disagree without losing your temper or fighting. It becomes a fight when either tempers flare or one person intentionally tries to hurt the other, usually emotionally. But the fight itself is not usually what is the most damaging to a relationship. Like a wound that is not properly cleaned and bandaged, injuries from a fight, if left uncared for can become infected and even have the potential to kill a relationship. You have probably heard of cases where men or women had a simple infection that they ignored that eventually caused them to have a foot, leg or arm amputated. Ignoring the wounds from a fight can have devastating results. If you and your partner have had a fight, here are some ways you can "clean and bandage" the wounds so that healing will take place: •

It takes two to fight. So if you have any injuries you are partly to blame. There are rarely "innocent" victims. Admit the role you played. Try to be the first to say "I'm sorry" for your part in the fight, either provoking it or responding to it.

•

Deal with the wound as soon as is possible (before you go to bed). The longer you let an injury remain wide open, the greater the chances of the hurt becoming infected and the more pronounced the scar will become.

•

Create a peace treaty.

•

Don't fixate on the ugly wound. Focus on (write down if possible) the wonderful qualities of your mate. It is easier to forgive those you think highly of.

•

Actively love the person you just fought with, even if it is the last thing you want to do. Write love notes, slow dance, make passionate love, etc. Love is a wonderful ointment that speeds up the healing process.

•

Pray (together if at all possible) about the situation. Ask God to heal you of your imperfections and to heal the pain you have caused. Don't ask God to "fix" the other person.

•

Once you have cleaned and bandaged a wound, forget about it. Don't be tempted to keeping peeking at the injury - it will only slow down the healing.

40

Sex Getting You Down? I have received an unusual number of emails recently from men and women who are frustrated over their sex lives. While I don't have all the answers to their problems, I thought I would share some of my thoughts on the role of sex in a blissful relationship. •

I've said this before - sex was designed for committed relationships (marriage). If you view sex as merely recreation, you have distorted its primary goal which is to bring intimacy (extreme closeness) to a relationship.

•

A very wise person said regarding sex "your body is not your own." One of the easiest ways to harm your marriage is deny your mate the pleasures of your body. (I'm not advocating allowing yourself to be abused or agreeing to do things you find extremely distasteful). "Holding out" is one of the most selfish things you can possibly do.

•

Some people say pornography enhances their sex life. Well, drugs enhance the performance of athletes but everyone knows they are harmful to your body. Pornography (some romance novels fall into this category) gives an unrealistic expectation of sex. And since your mate can't possibly compete with airbrushed "perfect specimens" that you see or read about in porn, there can be a strong temptation to find that satisfaction elsewhere. Pornography gives you warped ideas on sex and often leads to extramarital affairs -- not to mention that it is very addictive.

•

If you find that sex is becoming very sporadic in your relationship (and you are not happy with that) consider scheduling "sex nights." Just like date nights, schedule one or two days each week for physical intimacy. Some people find the idea of planned sex off putting at first, but later come to anticipate the weekly ritual. Having sex planned in advance makes for prolonged foreplay!

•

I think having sex before marriage is a terrible idea, but you should talk about sex before you decide to marry. It would be wise to know your future mate's viewpoints on sex, what they consider "offensive" and what their sexual background is (in very general terms). Someone who wants to do "anything and everything" would certainly get frustrated with a person who believes that sex is only meant for procreation.

•

Sex is not a necessary ingredient to have a blissful relationship. Many couples have had their share of sex (they are rare, but do exist) and are quite happy having a non-sexual relationship in their later years. Those couples can get the necessary physical intimacy with hugging, kissing and snuggling. There is nothing to be ashamed about if sex doesn't interest the both of you.

•

Check out 100s more of my tips at www.500lovemakingtips.com

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Under Control You and your sweetheart are enjoying a romantic dinner. The candles are flickering and your favorite CD is softly playing in the background. The conversation is meaningful and the meal has been so wonderful. You are in the middle of a champagne toast when the phone rings. You answer it and someone tries to get you to switch phone companies. Who ruined the magical romantic moment? You did. Why on earth did you answer the phone? By answering the phone you gave up control and let someone else sabotage a wonderful romantic dinner. Every once in a while it is good to stop and ask ourselves why we do the things we do. Is it out of habit, to impress others or so we don't feel guilty? It is hard to have blissful relationships when you allow others to control you. A person who wants blissful relationships should be able to: • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Not answer the phone. Throw away (or give away) stacks of magazines you don't have time to read so you can spend quality time with your loved ones instead Say "no thank you" to the cute child at your door who is trying to sell you a $1 piece of junk for $8.95 (maybe donate $3 to his or her fundraiser instead). Skip attending your relatives’ or friends’ funerals, weddings, showers or other "special" occasions if the time or money would be too much of a burden on your family. Have a $2,000 wedding instead of a $20,000 one even though some in your family or social circle might "look down" on you for saving money to buy a house instead. Walk out of a movie that is wasting your time because it is boring or offensive. Give away presents that you don't like. Just because a friend or relative gives you something does not make you obligated to keep it. Say "I think there is someone else much better for you" to the not-quite-right person who asks for your hand in marriage. Call a friend or a taxi for a ride home if your date has been drinking or is being immature or rude. Go to church alone if your loved ones won't go with you. Enjoy a $5 bottle of wine even though your friends say you lack class. Enjoy a $30 bottle of wine even if your friends call you a wine snob. Tell your parents "It is none of your business" when they ask questions they should not be asking.

No one (except a controller) wants to be in a relationship with someone who can't make decisions for himself or herself. If you are constantly seeking approval from others then maybe it is time you stop. Dress, eat and live life the way you really want to - not as some slave to fashion codes, cuisine of the month or just to fit in with the crowd. Live your life fully and your healthy relationships will thrive. 42

More Than Minimum Let me share with you some things that really bug me and maybe you too. •

A woman who nurses her precious baby exactly 3, 6, or 9 months because that is the minimum amount she heard you should

•

Women who schedule the delivery of their baby so it is in the womb the minimum amount necessary to avoid any additional discomfort for her

•

A parent who allows an irresponsible and immature child to get his or her license simply because they have reached the minimum age allowed by law

•

Youth who flaunt their legal right to consume alcohol at the minimum age 18 or 21 even though many don't live up to the responsibilities that come with that right

•

Employees who show up to work the absolute minimum number of hours and days required (taking all their sick days whether they are ill or not)

•

People who call themselves spiritual but only worship/pray/gather the minimum times they feel like they should

I think you get the idea. Aiming for minimum usually pays back with minimum rewards and satisfaction. In many cases, *just squeaking by* can have disastrous results. I'm constantly amazed at the number of people who say they desire to have a blissful relationship but to me, seem to always be doing so with the minimum effort. Many marriages would be dramatically transformed if couples would instead shoot for maximum. •

See just how many times a day you can kiss each other. Try substituting the little pecks for passionate kisses in the kitchen that last for 3 minutes or longer.

•

Put the maximum amount each month in your savings plan. Financial peace of mind will bring much peace to your relationship.

•

Use a timer when making love some times. Set a goal to go for 30, 40 or more minutes. Use the maximum amount of foreplay.

•

Date for a longer period than you think you should before getting engaged to make sure you REALLY know each other. And wait the maximum time (wedding night) before you become intimate.

•

Make love twice as often as you typically do for 4 weeks straight. It will have a dramatic impact on the both of you. Schedule it if necessary to achieve this goal.

•

Most couples spend about 5 to 10 minutes in real conversation each day. Aim to devote one or more hours each day to good conversation (go to 43

http://www.questionsforcouples.com if you need inspiration). That probably means turning off the television. •

Make it a goal to eat EVERY meal together as a family. You can probably adjust your schedules more than you think to be able to do this. Of course lunches might be impossible depending on school and work locations.

•

Take all of your vacations together - and then some. Take time off without pay if necessary to get away (or vacation at home) together. One or two weeks a year vacation is almost criminal. Our bodies and minds need much more rest than that.

•

Grow the spiritual (and most important) part of your relationship by praying together, worshiping with others and giving to churches/charities as much as you can. This is the area that rewards you most for shooting for the maximum.

If you want to reach the peak of your career, you don't get there by giving the minimum performance. If you want to retire with wealth, you do it by investing with zeal. Scholarships are awarded to those who go well above and beyond what is expected. Having a blissful relationship is no exception. You need to put forth more than the minimum.

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My Fair Lady Syndrome I have a close friend who dated a guy for a while who was a most unsavory creature. She was a sweet girl, the type that make parents really proud. He was an abuser, a liar and a convicted felon. But she continued to date him for a couple of years. Why? She told me he needed her. She believed that she could help him become a better man. She could keep him on the straight and narrow, out of trouble. She foolishly thought she could change him, when in fact all he did was take advantage of her kindness and abuse her. I think all of us have at least a little bit of desire to be a part of a "My Fair Lady" magical transformation. What a great achievement it would be to find a scuffed up, foulmouthed "Eliza Doolittle" and with our help, transform her into a charming, beautiful creature. Well, that only happens in the movies (and in one Brady Bunch episode). I think they should have a disclaimer running with the movie "Do not attempt to do this at home." Are you dating someone who needs serious "fixing"? Do you find him or her to be an interesting challenge? Ask yourself this - are you willing to spend the rest of your life with this person exactly as he or she is now? If you aren't you better move on because it is unlikely that he or she will be much different in 5, 10 or 20 years. One of the main secrets to having blissful relationships is being with those who also want to have a blissful relationship. I had one person unsubscribe from one of my newsletters a few months ago who wrote telling me why. He was quite honest and said, "I don't want a blissful relationship - I just want lust." There are a lot of people in the world who have little or no desire to do what it takes to have a healthy, joy-filled relationship. Don't deceive yourself into thinking that your positive influence will magically turn someone around and you will live blissfully ever after. There are only two people who can make someone dramatically change: himself and God.

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Owner vs. Renter Since I own several pieces of real estate and was a licensed real estate broker at one time, I am often asked for advice on purchasing a home. Let me share with you some pros and cons of owning versus renting as an introduction to this week's issue (yes, it is relevant to this week's column). If you own your own home: • • • • • •

You probably have made some sacrifices to have it. Sacrifices make you appreciate something more. You are far less likely to move out or away on a whim. You enjoy the pride of ownership and will put far more work into keeping up the home than if you were only renting. Paying the mortgage is perhaps your highest bill priority - a foreclosure on your credit report is a terrible mark that lasts many years. Buying a home is a long process. It requires a lot of thought, planning and soul searching. The wisest home investments are not ones that you quickly jump into. If your home becomes damaged, you will want to act quickly to fix the problem so other problems don't occur.

If you rent : • • • • • •

Renting is much easier than owning. You usually don't have to make many sacrifices at all. If you decide you don't like where you are renting you can move out easily. If you trash your place and devalue it, it doesn't matter too much. You might lose a little bit of a deposit, but that is nothing compared with equity you might have in a home. If you can't pay your rent, you might get kicked out in a couple of months, but at least your credit report isn't too messed up. You can jump into a rental situation without much thought or planning. If your place becomes damaged or a major appliance quits working, you have little responsibility. You can call up the landlord and have them take care of the problem.

This piece is about Commitment vs. Cohabitation. There are quite a few similarities in home ownership and marriage as there is with cohabitation and renting. Go back and reread the lists, replacing "own" with "marriage" and "rent" with cohabitate. I've seen a lot of studies on the effects of cohabitation on marriage and nearly all of them come to a similar conclusion. About 75-85% of marriages that began with cohabitation (two people living together who are not married) end in divorce (some of these studies are referenced at: http://www.theromantic.com/JustBetween/cohabitation.htm). Have you ever wondered why that is? The major reason two people begin to live together instead of getting married is that they want to test out their compatibility with each other. However, if cohabitation was a 46

successful prelude, those couples who moved in together before getting married should actually have stronger marriages than those who did not live together prior to marriage. Instead, they have far weaker marriages by comparison. I believe much of the problem with cohabitation is that it is like renting. The relationship, like a rental contract, is lived out month to month. Any conflicts or major problems that come up can be grounds for eviction. Often, the philosophy among those who simply live together is "you do what works for you and I'll do what works for me and if things don't work out, we can simply break up." On the other hand, when you are in a marriage contract, you make vows to try to please each other first and foremost and when things don't work out, you try everything possible to make things better. When couples that live together decide to get married, usually little changes in their relationship except for their legal status and maybe a change of last name. The same "mine and yours" philosophy upon which cohabitation is built upon, usually continues. And that is why they divorce so much easier when troubles come upon the relationship. While it is very important to determine a certain amount of compatibility before you marry, you don't have to live together to know how someone thinks, believes and reacts to important situations. A proper courtship over a good length of time will uncover those issues (my book 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships has a chapter on how long a courtship should be). Under the rental contract, you are merely testing your compatibility; in marriage you are building compatibility. It is a completely different mindset.

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Beating Back Boredom If you are in a theater and watching a movie that suddenly gets really boring, what do you do? Many people will actually walk out and try to find something on another screen that is more exciting or at least interesting. The temptation can be the same when boredom strikes your relationship. Teens are most likely to get into trouble when they are bored. A large percentage of affairs take place when there is a lull in one's marriage. Even pets are apt to destroy property if they don't have toys with which to play and chew. Here are some tips to keep boredom at bay in your relationships: •

Set up a weekly date night. It doesn't have to be expensive and it should be varied if possible. Check the entertainment section of your newspaper for ideas (there are many free concerts, plays and exhibits in most cities.)

•

Maintain a weekly family night. Play board games, do crafts, go through old photo albums, make fun snacks and rent a movie, go out for ice cream or doughnuts.

•

Have fun with a mutual hobby. If you don't have one, start one. Check out the continuing education series your high school or community might put together. You can learn to ballroom dance, make pottery, paint with oils or refinish furniture.

•

Make sporting a couples activity. Learn the rules of your mate’s favorite sport. Pack a picnic and go watch the sport together – live or in front of the television. Make a friendly bet about the outcome of the game.

•

If you are a sports junkie, give some of it up! You can't be married to your mate and the television. You might not be bored, but your sweetheart probably is. Remember what can happen when your mate is bored.

•

Keep physically fit together. Go on walks, ride bikes, play tennis or go work out together several times each week. You will feel better, have more energy and will have more time to communicate.

While blissful relationships don't need to be "a laugh a minute" couples need to take precautions from letting boredom take over. Boredom is actually a sign that apathy, neglect or resent has visited your relationship.

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Should You Stay or Should You Go? Let's be honest. Not all relationships can be blissful. In fact, some will certainly remain miserable. Yet, many stay in loveless relationships (dating or marriage) for a variety or reasons. Here are a few I can think of. Good reasons: • Sense of Commitment • Wanting to change things for the better (and honestly believing the other person can and will make those changes too) • Separation would be devastating emotionally and/or financially for your children Bad reasons: • Fear of being lonely • Fear of physical retaliation • Belief that you can't live without someone (only babies and children ”need” someone) • Don't want to be proved wrong • Don't want to cut back on your standard of living • Feel that others will judge you • Believe it will make you a failure When you are dating someone, you can terminate the relationship for whatever reason you desire and honestly more people should be getting out of pathetic dating relationships (you should read the stories people send me), but that is another chapter all together. When you are dating you have not made any commitment, entered into any covenant or legal agreement. If you have serious doubts then by all means move on. However, after you are married, you have entered a covenant, a promise that you would continue to love and honor each other. It is not something to take lightly. It's not just a contract, but a covenant -- a big difference. If some get out of marriages simply because “they aren't having fun any more” or because “we grew apart”, then why did they get married in the first place? Didn't their vows many anything? Many, many marriages are eternally blissful, but that doesn't mean yours will be. You should know that and accept that at the altar. Now I'll probably get some flack over this, but I do believe there are valid excuses for leaving a marriage. In fact, I think there are two. ABUSE and FRAUD. ABUSE: If your spouse is abusing you physically or emotionally then you might have a good reason to consider leaving the marriage. Do you know how many spouses are killed by their mates each year? It is in the 1000s. That's the US alone. You should have zero tolerance for physical violence. The first punch should land your spouse in jail or counseling. 49

Someone who is constantly demeaning, controlling, belittling and bossy can be abusive without throwing punches. I've seen relationships where I am physically ill after watching how terrible one spouse treats the other. Psychological abuse can sometimes be worse than physical abuse. Have enough respect for the beautiful body and mind that God gave you that you don't let someone tear you down. FRAUD: If someone lied about his or her past and it came to light after the marriage, then again I think you “might” have a good reason to break your vows. The lie or the information that should have been divulged would have to be pretty serious that it would have made you call off the wedding had you known about it. Fraud (hiding information from your spouse that can be damaging) can take place after the vows take place too. People can change and unfortunately someone can change into a person who will ruin your life if you allow it. In serious cases of fraudulent behavior, I believe there are good reasons to leave the relationship. Main Types of Fraud Sexual • Demented view of it • Severe phobias • Unhealthy fetishes Financial • Refuses to live within their means • Lazy, won't or can't keep a job • Steals your money • Continually ruins your joint credit and puts you in financial jeopardy Addictions • Drugs • Alcohol • Gambling • Sexual • Internet or TV Just because one of the above might apply to your relationship, you don't run to the nearest divorce attorney. But, if after much discussion and hopefully counseling by qualified counselors you don’t see any real change, then you might consider leaving the relationship. Your friends, your pastor, your parents and others can give you counsel and advice on whether you should stay or go. But ultimately that is a decision you alone have to make. Make it based on the facts of the situation not on any emotional attachments or stigmas. If you or someone you know is at the crossroads of staying or going, you need to ask yourself a lot of additional questions that I didn't have time or space to cover in this month's issue. This is a great place to start: http://www.theromantic.com/stayorgo.htm 50

The Best Gift For Your Child You love your children; you deeply desire to see them grow up healthy and happy. But what is the most important thing you can give your children to help them grow up feeling loved, nurtured, self-confident and at peace? There are many good answers here, such as providing a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood; making great sacrifices to help your children succeed in school; demonstrating unconditional love; setting consistent boundaries; modeling healthy values; and on and on. One other important factor too often gets left off that list, and I'd place it right at the top. It's loving your mate. You're two of the most important people in the world to your children, probably THE most important. How do you think your child feels when one parent yells at, belittles, taunts, or insults the other? I imagine they feel like I did when it was obvious my parents didn't love each other. I was torn, hurt, angry, scared, and uncertain about my future. It is especially traumatic for children to see their mother – with whom that child has always had a special attachment by nature of the birth and child rearing process - being hurt or neglected by their father. Too many dads con themselves into believing that the best way to invest in their children's future is to work long hours so they can live in a nicer neighborhood and send their children to better schools. In the process, they often end up jeopardizing the element that actually has the most impact on their children's lives – the relationship between Mom and Dad. What a child's house looks like on the outside isn't nearly as important as what it feels like on the inside. Every child has a deep desire to see a committed, loving relationship between the two people he loves the most. So, the good news here is that, with a little effort and creativity, you can provide your children with security, comfort, peace, stability, and health - by loving your mate. It may seem indirect, but it's very real. Expressions of love between a child's father and mother should not occur solely behind the bedroom door. It is vital for children to hear positive affirmation of their parents' love for one another. It is equally crucial to see parents backing up those words with deeds showing that they really are special to each other. It's giving warm hugs and gentle kisses; lightly scratching backs or massaging shoulders; snuggling together while watching movies; buying gifts or making presents for each other "just because"; talking with each other and laughing out loud. Your children are likely to emulate you when it comes time for them to find a spouse. They will probably mimic your affection and duplicate your disrespect. Most mothers and fathers would love to have a hand in choosing a mate for their children; it's just ironic that they don't realize how much influence they already have. 51

A Day of Rest - Every Week For thousands of years people have observed a weekly Sabbath - a 24 hour period of rest. I'm not going into all the historical and biblical details regarding this custom. I'm just pointing out how a weekly rest might be a useful tool to enrich your relationship. Granted, if you worked seven days a week your relationship would probably suffer considerably. Even though most people only "work" five days each week, they often slave away the other two days with a myriad of activities and busyness. Some people are under the impression that weekends are the time to get everything done and if you weren’t busy the whole weekend it was a failure. Sometimes that happens to me and I have to tell myself, "Hey, I don't HAVE to do anything today if I don't want to. I'm a grown-up and I can rest and have fun if I want." A day taken each week to unwind, and to enjoy some good company with your family and especially your soul mate would do wonders for your relationships. If you want to take the rest idea to the extreme one Saturday or Sunday try out a day in bed. Yep, all day in bed. That morning or the night before, bring all the supplies into your bedroom. Books, magazines, cards, games, movies, snacks, scrapbooks and stationary are just a few of the items you might consider using on your "day of rest." Just stay in bed and talk with each other for a solid day. Take some naps, gently scratch each other's back, watch a movie or a little television, read aloud to each other, ask each other questions, write letters, play Scrabble and just rest. Your relationship deserves it.

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Don't Be Your Best Every two years much of the world is tuned to the Olympics. I really enjoy the acrobatic sports, yes even the ice skating competitions. The Olympics is a symbol of many great things: overcoming obstacles, dedication, and hard work among others. However, the glitz and the glamour of these "games" also promote a very unhealthy attitude: focusing on one goal only. I continually hear and read stories of Olympians (and other professional athletes) who take things to extremes. They leave home at 12 years of age to begin professional training, they wake up at 3am so they can train before they go to work/school and then go back and train another 6 hours. There are athletes who go on crash diets to be the optimum weight and some will even take drugs to enhance their performance. They want to be number one and will do whatever it takes to get there. While many professional athletes are getting victories on the court, they are often losers at home. What I would love to read and see about more of our Olympians are stories of - balance. How balanced are you in life? Do you have such drive and ambition in the office that you leave your family in the wake? Or do you have such a passion for sports that it is the only thing you see on television, read in the paper and spend your weekends doing? Do you feel the need to be so educated that classes, studying and homework become more important than your wife and kids? Do you work really hard at work and home that you are too exhausted to have a spiritual life? I love to win. I am a big competitor. I sometimes get out of balance whether it is by working too much or even spending too much time on volunteer work. Yes, someone can give their life to good causes and end up being a poor spouse and parent. Fortunately, I usually have a good sense of when I am going overboard and a loving wife who will remind me when I am needed to be with the family. Don't let the big smiles on the winners' podium fool you. Life is not all good for many of these Olympians and professional athletes who don't have blissful marriages or close families to share their victories with. Many have sacrificed too much to be the best they can be. I'll take a life with Athena over a gold medal any day.

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Watch for the Warnings As I turned the corner, the little oil can symbol in the dashboard lit up. It was there for a few seconds but then it went off. Some days the light would come on a handful of times for a minute or two. Other days it never appeared. I had gone about 2800 miles since my last oil change so it was fair enough warning. I thanked the light for its little reminder but with all the other things I had to get done, I put off the oil change until I was closer the 3,000 mark. I really didn't think it could be that serious. A couple of days later I received the call from the highway patrol. He said that my wife had car problems on the Interstate and was getting the car towed to the shop and would be home late (Athena is very considerate and calls if she is running really late because she knows I worry about her if she is late). The call from the mechanic confirmed the worst. The engine was shot. There was no oil in the engine and it would have to be replaced. Ignoring the warning signal cost me $2000. That happened a few years ago but the (painful) memory is still there. In my work with couples all around the globe I often see warning lights going off in their relationship. Some don't recognize the warnings; others simply ignore them. Some couples think the problems can wait until the semester is over, the big project at work is complete or the last child leaves the nest. Here are some warning lights that might go off in your relationship: •

You usually can't wait for your spouse to go away on a business trip

•

You are regularly spending more each month than you are earning

•

Your mate doesn't want to go out on date nights

•

Your spouse starts spending more time with friends of the opposite sex

•

The two of you consider having a child to help your relationship

•

The frequency/level of arguments has increased recently

•

You can't remember when you had a good conversation with your mate

•

Intimacy between the two of you has taken a nose-dive

•

There has been a big change of moods in your spouse recently. Either he or she is more withdrawn or irritable.

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None of these necessarily mean that your relationship is in serious, immediate danger, but it could be. You might consider going on a marriage retreat, seeing a marriage therapist or reading some books on relationships (my 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships offers a lot of practical, positive, solution-oriented ideas). If you notice warning signs going off in your relationship, check them out immediately. You might not have another "200 miles." I know, I’ve seen it happen.

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Watching Over Me When I was a young boy my father was a Boy Scout troop leader. He grew up on a farm and knows a lot about nature and survival so he did an excellent job. I wasn't old enough to join the scouts but since I was the troop leader's son I could go along as a "mascot." I vividly remember one particular camp-out that we had. It wasn't because Chris Keating sat in a pile of fire ants and had to take all of his clothes off while several of the guys threw buckets of water on him to try to wash them off. It was the hike that stands out in my mind. The scouts were learning about orienteering -- finding their way in the woods. They learned about what side of the tree moss grows on, using the sun as your guide and how to use a compass. My dad took us several miles from camp through the thick and strange woods, zigzagging all the way. Then he left us there and told us to find our way back to camp. It was exciting at first, being out on our own, trying to use our knowledge and to trust our instincts. As dusk began to approach we weren't so cheerful. Uncertain of our land markings and if we were even headed in the right direction, we began to grumble to one another. And when we heard branches snap behind us we got even more worried as we knew black bears can still be found in Louisiana. Eventually we made it back to camp and were delighted that we did it all by ourselves. Just minutes later my dad arrived. It was then that I realized that even thought we couldn't see him, he was right behind us the entire time and would come to the rescue if we got into trouble. All we would have to do is shout and he'd be right there. And that is one of my most important secrets in having a blissful relationship. It is having the knowledge and peace of mind that I have a Father in heaven who I can always count on to be there for me if I need him. I might not be able to see him but I know he is just a few steps behind, always watching over me. All I need to do is call his name and he'll be right there. And there is no problem in a relationship he can't help fix.

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How to Get Close When You Are Far Apart In this age of Internet chat rooms, easy international travel and jobs that take us thousands of miles away from home, long distance romances are more prevalent than ever. In reality, relationships where husband and wife live under the same roof can essentially be long distance relationships if they have different (or too busy) schedules and rarely spend time together. I think it is nearly impossible (I did say *nearly*) for long distance relationships to remain blissful over the long term. By long term I mean two or more years being apart with less than two weeks being physically together each year. Intimate relationships thrive on touch, feel, sight and smell. If you find yourself apart from your loved one, here are some things you can do to survive the temporary separation. •

Have a concrete plan of permanently reuniting within a certain time frame. Hopefully within two years or less. A longer separation will likely destroy your relationship. That also goes for couples who work different shifts and never see each other at home. If you don't give your relationship that vision, it will perish.

•

Don't rely solely on email for contact. Again, we need as much physical contact as possible so call when practical and be soothed and encouraged by the sound of each other’s voice. Send gently worn garments of your clothes so they can remember your distinct smell (maybe use their tshirt as your pillowcase). Send photographs that can be displayed. Write letters and spray with your cologne or perfume. Have a friend videotape you.

•

If both of you have access to email, take the 1000 Questions for Couples ecourse -- answering 3 or 4 questions a day over 10 months. Discussing these important and thought provoking questions will draw close together even though you might be physically apart. http://www.questionsforcouples.com

•

Consider writing sensual and graphic letters or emails (not to company addresses) to your spouse, reliving some of your past hot and steamy times together or dream up what the two of you can do when you come back together. More adventurous couples might try this over the phone.

•

Arrange to do the same things together even though you are apart. Plan to take a bubble bath at the very same time in your respective tubs or burn a candle at the same time, taking the moment to think about each other. Rent the identical movie on the same night and imagine holding hands while watching it. Call or email to talk about the movie the next day. If you have cheap long distance you can stay on the phone while watching the video together.

•

Visit your sweetheart's relatives if possible. It will help keep your lover present in your mind and draw all of you closer together. 57

What Are Your Sensitive Spots? Have you ever had sensitive teeth? I do from time to time. Not all of my teeth get sensitive, but just a couple where the nerve endings in my gums get a tiny bit exposed. It makes brushing my teeth more difficult. I have to be very gentle around those couple of teeth that cause me intense pain when the hard toothbrush bristles brush up against the exposed nerves. I would never let someone else brush those sensitive teeth. I think we all have parts of our lives that are sensitive. I have told Athena that there are two “sensitive spots” that I don't like to be touched and she respects how potentially painful they are to me. First, Athena knows not to press me to visit family. There are certain family members that are toxic, that is they are always negative and visiting them is never a positive experience for me. They give me headaches, ulcers and I simply do not enjoy being around them. I do not subscribe to the belief that we must spend regular time with all family members. I will not allow any person, family or not, to sour my marriage or my own well being. When I'm ready for a short visit, I'll let Athena know. The second "sensitive spot" is a bit trivial but still important to me. I don't wear neckties. Period. Haven't for 7 years now. I wore them for nearly 20 years and they give me headaches, as do most hats and any other tight garments. I think fashion needs to change in this regard and I'm willing to look a bit odd by bucking fashion protocol. No amount of prodding or provoking from others will change my mind. No sense even bringing it up, it only makes me more belligerent. Athena respects that and knows not to push my "tie" button. If you want to have a blissful relationship you need to know what are your mate's sensitive spots (go ahead and ask) and respectfully avoid those topics no matter the temptation to try to win someone over to your side. Just like brushing sensitive teeth, you need to let your mate do it himself or herself. If they want to bring up the topic, fine. Otherwise, be mature and loving enough to leave it alone. I know a lot of people who love pushing other peoples buttons just to witness the reaction. None of them have blissful relationships.

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Are You Generous or Greedy? Over the years I have had reporters call me nuts or crazy. Several have told me that if I keep being so romantic and loving to my wife that she'll just use me and I'll begin to resent her. They said that Athena will take everything that I give her and want more and more and eventually I'll be emotionally drained. I'll admit it. To the human mind, what they said makes sense. It doesn't compute to love so much. If I keep giving everything I've got, soon I'll have nothing else to give. Right? Wrong! Yes its illogical and scientifically it doesn't work, but the more that you give, the more you receive in return. How is it that you can give away your time, money, talents and love to others and somehow receive back more than you gave away? Perhaps it is because it is easier to love someone who is generous than someone who is greedy. Maybe its God's way of encouraging us to do what is right, even though it takes faith to start the process. I'll be honest. If being generous with love, time, talent and money didn't bring joy 9 out of 10 times, I don't think I would continue to do it. But I get back far more love than I give to Athena. Maybe its because she understands the secret too. The more you sow, the more you reap. And we're not just talking about seeds here. Are you generous or greedy? Answer these questions to find out. True or False ___ I watch films that aren't my "style" because my spouse likes them ___ I accept sexual advances from my spouse even when I'm not in the mood ___ I regularly invite people over to my home even though I might find entertaining to be a hassle ___ I give more than 10% of my income away to charity ___ I eat meals or dine at restaurants that aren't really to my liking because my mate or friends like them ___ I give at least 3 hours a week to a charitable cause ___ I take people out to dinner or other places who most likely don't get asked out by others ___ I spend more on others than myself ___ At least twice a year I help out people in need who aren't my family (like Christmas presents for a poor family, a motorist stranded on the side of the road or donating money for a widow who needs help paying her electric bill) 59

___ I regularly compliment my mate for all the wonderful things he or she does for me ___ I encourage my wife to nurse our baby as long as she feels like doing it ___ I do some of my mate's chores at least once a month ___ I limit my time on the computer/phone so I can spend more time with my family ___ I make an attempt to spend less than we make ___ I wear my hair/facial hair the way my spouse most likes it ___ I try to dress in a way that pleases my mate ___ I go to church or other places with my family even if that isn't my favorite way to spend my free time Of course this isn't an exhaustive list and it isn't scientific but if you answered more False than True, you probably aren't nearly as generous as you could be. And if you aren't being generous, then the opposite has to be true. You are being selfish or greedy. I know that's a hard pill to swallow and I don't mean to cause offense, but we all have areas for improvement. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human. Do you desire more exuberant and unconditional love in your relationships? Try being more generous with your time, talents, treasure and love. Give it some time for the "seeds" you sow to develop. You'll be enjoying a wonderful harvest down the road. Trust me, it works.

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Fast Food Love I read a news story a few weeks ago about a school that bucked the system and tossed out the pizzas and french fries and other kid-friendly food from its cafeteria and reintroduced healthy meals that faded away over the last few decades. At first, there was a big uproar. The kids wanted their fast food back and others were worried about the significant increase in cost for the home made, healthy food they were now serving in the cafeteria. But something miraculous happened. The kids now behave. The hallways aren't frantic. Even the teachers are happy. The school used to be out of control. Kids packed weapons. Discipline problems swamped the principal's office. But not since 1997. Since then there have been zero expulsions, no suicides, not one person caught doing drugs or carrying weapons. The fake food in the cafeteria was replaced with real food and the vending machines were carted away. And what a difference it made. When kids are healthy their attitudes and dispositions change. Now let's talk about love. Over the last few decades we've slowly introduced so much fake love into our relationship diet that it has now become the staple for many couples. Most people don't even know what real, healthy love is these days. We no longer have the patience to build love from scratch. We want fast-food love. It's instantly gratifying even though it might make us sick in the long run. Men and women don't want a courtship. They want to jump straight from infatuation to intimacy. And we've got a lot of sick relationships as a result. While there is *some* nutrition in fast food, if it is your steady diet, you are bound to suffer in the future. Here are some examples of fast-food love: • Expensive gifts • Quick physical intimacy • Flirting • Time together in silence (like watching movies) • Dreaming about fantasies • Infatuation ("loving" someone you don't *really* know yet) Healthy, nutritious love: • Serving each other • Sacrificing for one another • Little gifts, just because • Regular, meaningful conversations • Long physical intimacy with your spouse • Planning together for the future • Commitment to someone you really know 61

Is it any coincidence that as we introduce more and more fast-food love into our relationships that they become more and more unhealthy and the divorce rate keeps climbing? Consider your own relationship. What does your diet look like? Maybe its time to cut back on the fast-food love and start introducing more healthy forms on love into your relationship (or get out of a relationship that does not have healthy love). Yes, it takes more time and energy, but the results are well worth it. And don't forget that your real diet has a direct impact on your relationships just as we saw what happened to the school children. Maybe its time to start eating healthy too.

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Attachment Relationships Read any book on the subject and you learn that the first three to five years of a child's life impacts them more than any of other time in their life. It is when the most psychological and emotional development takes place. It is also when the bonds between its mom and dad are grown. While there are always exceptions, studies have shown that if you want your children to be well adjusted emotionally and to develop a healthy sense of independence, you spend as much quality time with them as possible in the early years. It is sad to see, but a lot of parents try to get their young children as detached from them as possible for whatever the reason. They give them bottles instead of breast-feeding. They ship them off to daycare instead of making sacrifices to stay home with them. They try to get their babies attached to a blanket, pacifier or some other object, so they won't be attached to them. Some parents even stick newborns and infants in beds as far away from theirs as possible. And years later they wonder why their kids are either so distant or craving attention... Yes, raising children can be difficult and it can take a lot of sacrifices. But if you truly want to give your children the best possible chance of future success, you devote as much quality time with them in the formative years as possible. Doing so makes the later years much, much easier. As one who has studied marriages for many years, I have come to the conclusion that the first three to five years are also crucial in forming healthy and productive marital relationships. It is during those years that the best bonding takes place and that habits, either good or bad, are formed. During those years you either become attached to one another or you learn to live together, somewhat detached. Of course, these are the years that the vast majority of divorces take place because either you bond or you don't. Remember, a foundation is always laid first. You can't go back after ten years of marriage and decide to "start over" with a new foundation. Here are some tips on becoming attached to one another and building a healthy start to any marriage. • •

Always ask yourself if you are becoming more attached to each other or more attached to careers, hobbies, friends or toys. Make a dedicated effort in the first few years to form good habits in the relationship such as: - Hugs and kisses every morning and night - Weekly date nights - Annual retreats - Clearing up misunderstandings/arguments before going to sleep - Holding your tongue - Daily chat time - Finding ways to deepen your Faith together 63

• • • • • •

Use the first 3 or so years of marriage to build a strong bond between you. Hold off having children those first few years if possible. (One of the common causes of divorces is having children too soon). Take the opportunity of two incomes and no kids to pay off debt and begin a good saving program during the first few years -- not an opportunity to buy lots of *stuff* and a big house you can't afford on one income. Read books, newsletters and attend workshops that will enrich your marriage Develop hobbies that the two of you can do together, don't wait until retirement Do everything you can to keep from being apart for more than a few days or a week at a time. Being apart for a little while is ok in later years, but not early in your marriage. Ask each other meaningful questions about important topics such as: religion, child-rearing, morals, politics, intimacy and personality (you can find 1000 such questions at http://www.questionsforcouples.com )

Of course those are just a few ideas and some won't apply to every relationship. But the point is that either you build a solid foundation early on with your mate or you build one that is full of cracks and is unstable. Yes, some marriages can be difficult in the early years and can take a lot of sacrifices. But if you truly want to give your marriage the best possible chance of future success, you devote as much quality time with your mate in the formative years as possible.

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Avoiding Cultic Relationships There is something that you probably don't know about me. I grew up in a cult. Now there are two different types of cults. There are theological cults which have bizarre and false teachings and there are behavioral cults which have odd practices. The cult I grew up was the former. Being raised in that church environment, I bought the package hook, line and sinker for over 20 years. So did tens of thousands of other people. Some of them joined this cult after attending churches that taught mainline beliefs. It's been almost ten years since I have been in that cultic environment and during that time I have analyzed quite a bit why people join cults, which by definition are groups that have practices/beliefs that are damaging and unhealthy. Now, stick with me. I will show how this relates to relationships. I have determined that people join cults for four main reasons: 1)

The main reason is they don't know what great religion is. They don't know what the genuine gem is so they are easily deceived by a counterfeit. They might have even attended a good church but somehow they were never grounded in the truth. It is easy to believe a lie when you don't know what is true. 2) The second reason some people get attracted to cults is that they aren't accepted and loved by those in the main group so they seek and find acceptance with a group of others who are also rejected. 3) The third reason some men and women join cults is that they think too highly of themselves. They believe that they know more *truth* than practically everyone else, including all the experts in the field. Their arrogance blinds them to the simple truths. 4) Cults typically attract a person who likes or needs a lot of structure or guidance in their life. These people have always been *slaves* in one fashion or another and fear being set free. They see others who abuse freedom and somehow believe that their legalistic organization must be the better way. Now how does this relate to relationships? I see people all the time in *cultic* relationships. They send me emails and call me on the phone. Their relationship is so unhealthy, yet their mind is so clouded they haven't got a clue. They want a blissful relationship but yet they refuse to give up their unhealthy beliefs and practices. Cults do attract addictive types of people. It is nearly impossible for someone to leave a cult once they have joined. So hopefully I can share with you some advice that will keep you from ever getting involved with a cultic relationship in the first place. Here are 4 ways to have a cult-free relationship. 1)

To stay away from cultic relationships, you need to know what happy, healthy, blissful relationships are. Read books about those relationships. Spend time with couples who are truly happy and filled with joy. Take marriage enrichment classes. 65

The more you know about the elements of great relationships, the less likely you will be to enter or stay in a messed up one. 2) Just because you don't *fit in* doesn't mean that you should start having unhealthy relationships with others who are also a bit different. Honestly, maybe you don't fit in because you have some personal traits that need improving. Of course it is wrong for people to reject you based on faults or idiosyncrasies, but that doesn't mean you can't try to correct some of those things. It's not easy changing who we currently are, but it can be done. 3) If you want to steer clear of cultic relationships, then listen to the experts. Don't be so arrogant, thinking that you know better. For example, if 9 out of 10 marriage educators tell you that wife swapping will ruin your current and future relationships, then don't do it! Sure, you can find a *cult* of wife-swappers who will try to convince you that you are right and everyone else is deceived. You can always find someone to side with you, maybe even an *expert*. That still doesn't make you right. You might want to read up on the expert’s views on pornography, cohabiting, alcohol abuse, television addiction and other issues that you might be facing. 4) If you want to avoid cultic relationships you will want to make sure you have selfconfidence. If you think little of yourself it is easy for you to get drawn into a relationship where you get abused and controlled. Make a point to continually better yourself through education, exercise and developing hobbies and interests. Your true identity is of yourself and your Creator. Not who you are attached to. While there are many positive aspects of cults (therefore the attraction for some), their main purpose is to separate you from the real truth. Having grown up in a cult and now knowing what is really true, it is like having scales removed from my eyes. I'm sad for all my good friends and family members who are still a part of the cult. They honestly and sincerely believe they are right. Hopefully one day they too will be able to experience the joy and freedom that the genuine gem gives. Are you in a relationship that gives you a real sense of joy and freedom (you are probably blinded so ask your friends if you really seem joyful)? If not, you might have some relationship beliefs and practices that need changing.

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What Cult Did I Grow Up In? As a result of previous piece on *Avoiding Cultic Relationships* that ran in my newsletter, hundreds emailed me wanting to know which cult I grew up in. Additionally, many said they realized they were in a cult after reading my article and wanted advice on how to get out (which often means being shunned by friends and family who belong to the cult -- another sign that you are in a cult if your group shuns its former members.) I have been trying to help them individually as I have been able. So, for inquiring minds. I grew up in the cult of Armstrongism. There are a couple hundred groups (most only have membership in the dozens or hundreds) that take the majority of their doctrines from the writings of Herbert W. Armstrong. The largest organizations are United Church of God, Living Church of God and Philadelphia Church of God which each have a few thousand members scattered around the world. Ironically, the church Herbert Armstrong founded and the one I grew up in -- is no longer a cult. The Worldwide Church of God began reexamining its doctrines when Herbert Armstrong died in 1986. After careful and thorough study, it was realized that many of the teachings of Herbert Armstrong were simply unbiblical. Within 10 years it had completely shed all of its cultic (non-orthodox) beliefs. The Worldwide Church of God is the only major cult in the last 2000 years which has completely transformed itself into a fully accepted Christian church. You can read more about its transformation and former beliefs here: http://www.wcg.org/lit/AboutUs/history.htm Now there is a lesson in all of this. This church was once impressive and powerful in appearance (in terms of money, property, slick TV show, etc.) but it was always hurting on the inside. The shedding of its cultic beliefs caused a large loss in membership and revenue. Gone are all the "impressive" things it once had. Its appearance is no longer impressive, but its heart sure is. Many theologians and church historians now consider it to be one of the healthiest (in terms of practices and beliefs) churches around. The Worldwide Church of God doesn't have wealth anymore. Now it has an abundance of love. Its members aren't there because of fear. They worship out of adoration and thanks. It no longer puts up walls up separation; it tries to tear down walls that divide. It doesn't emphasize *disputable matters* - it focuses on the core issues. The Worldwide Church of God has done what only a few denominations have been willing to do. Admit that it is wrong. Change its errors. Fix its mistakes. Ask for forgiveness. And that is why this church that was once a cult is now drawing a lot of attention and praise. That openness and frankness and willingness to make painful admissions of guilt has earned an amazing amount of respect and admiration from other groups and from those members who value honesty and humility from its leadership. Now, what about you? You have been wrong and you know it. You make mistakes quite often. Will you admit it? Will you change it? Will you ask for forgiveness? Yes, it 67

is all very hard and humbling. Even humiliating. You might even lose money and prestige because of it. But if you want to have the healthiest possible relationships, that is something you must do. If you do those things you will earn a lot of respect and admiration in your relationship. One last thing. Several made the wrong assumption that when I came to the realization that the church I grew up in was a cult, that I gave up on religion altogether. That would be like getting sick on a tuna sandwich and giving up eating altogether and starving to death or getting hurt by a girlfriend and giving up dating altogether and missing out on the joy of a blissful marriage. Others thought I just quit belonging to *organized* religion. Well, if it isn't organized, then it certainly isn't religion. You can't build a house by yourself (well, maybe you can build a mud hut without assistance from any one). You can't have a family without contributions from a partner. You can't do your job without help from others. And you certainly can't build a strong and thriving spiritual life alone. Although, I have seen a lot of people try and they end up with spiritual mud huts. Something to think about.

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Should You Trade Up? Athena and I currently drive a 1989 Honda Civic that we bought "gently used" back in 1991. That means we have had it for 12 years now. It still looks and runs great. Over the years we have had friends and family ask us point blank "when are you going to get a new car" and tell us "certainly you can afford something new". Yes, we can afford just about any car that we could possibly desire. But no, we don't have any plans on trading in our perfectly fine Honda for something new(er) simply to impress others. Yes, when safety or reliability become a factor, we'll be shopping for something else. I find it curious, but not surprising that every person who has suggested that we upgrade our car has been divorced at least once. Back in 1988 Diamond Cutters International conducted a poll asking women if they would ever consider trading in their engagement ring for a bigger, better diamond. 46% of the respondents said yes. Fifteen years later, these same women have been polled again. Of those who were willing to trade up, 81% are now divorced. And what about those sentimental ladies who would never trade in their original ring? 78% are still married. Are you the type of person who wants a new car every few years and sees each raise as an opportunity to move to a bigger house? Are you easily bored with the latest gadget you bought just a year ago? Do you always have to have the best television among your peers? If so, studies have shown that you have a much greater chance of being tempted to "trade-up" spouses too. Learn to appreciate what you have and don't be so quick to want to get the latest model. Otherwise it might REALLY cost you.

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Love Hurts You know when you have reached the peak of being loving and generous because it feels good. Right? Wrong! My newsletter subscribers who have been around for a year or longer might remember the family who was living in our neighborhood a little over a year ago when the house they were renting caught on fire. We even did a little fundraiser on my website for Dianne and her four sons since they didn't have insurance. And that felt good. One week I even cancelled the bible study fellowship that meets at our house so we could go over as a group and help them clean out their belongings. And that felt good. About a year after the fire an elderly lady who lived in the neighborhood died. Because Athena, Ashton and I regularly looked in on her and took her on some errands (and that felt good), her family thought kindly of us and offered to sell us her 2500 square foot house at a very reasonable price. Athena and I own a few rental properties so this was something that I was going to add to our portfolio. We have done quite well with our real estate investments and this property had the potential for making us quite a bit of money. The one drawback was that Helen, the lady who lived in the house for 30 years had not done a single remodeling project since she purchased the home in the early 70s. Much of the home was wallpapered and needed stripping, the orange shag carpet had to be replaced as well as the very dated and old light and plumbing fixtures. Every square inch of the home would need to be painted. Although it would take a couple of months to update the home we had done that sort of work before and knew what it would take. Shortly after we made the purchase I saw Dianne and her sons. They moved across town after the fire but I still kept in contact with them and occasionally would take the boys on a weekend retreat or do something with them after school. She mentioned that her family really loved the neighborhood where we lived and would love to buy a place if we ever knew of one that came on the market. They had lived in 4 different rentals in a years time due to divorce and the fire and she desperately wanted some stability for herself and sons. She had no idea that I had just purchased this house 6 doors down. She told me what she thought she could pay for a house and I knew what I had to do. I painfully decided to finish remodeling the house and sell it to her at a loss. Not only was I sacrificing a huge potential profit, I was giving away 10 weeks of my time that it took to do the remodeling (although I didn't have to do it full time as I hired a helper who was unemployed and in need of some work). And honestly, that didn't feel good. Deep, passionate, sacrificial love hurts. Although it is ultimately the most rewarding. A lot of people donate money to charity. But very few give so much that it is truly a sacrifice. Few people will put themselves in a dangerous situation for someone they love. Even fewer will deliberately give their life to someone they barely know. 70

Some people will lend a helping hand to others now and again. Only a tiny minority will give up most of the comforts they have to move to an impoverished nation for a lifetime of service. How deep is your love? Think about this seriously. What are you willing to sacrifice? How much pain are you willing to endure? Are you willing to be unhappy for a period of time for the benefit of someone else? I do need to clarify what sacrificial love is NOT so that no one is mistaken: • • • •

Belonging to a person, group or organization that is abusive Maternal love which is usually more instinctive than something of choice Being forced or coerced into doing something that might be painful The hurt feelings you have when you are in a broken/unhealthy relationship

In blissful relationships sacrificial love is rarely needed but it is almost always willing to be expressed. It might be a good idea to ask yourself (and your partner) some hard questions about what you would do if different circumstances where certain levels of sacrifice might be required (check out 1000 Questions for Couples at the end of this book). After going through the questions you might realize that your love (or that of your partner) isn't as deep as you thought it was. The good news is that if you work on it, it can grow deeper over time. It has taken decades for the love I have to grow deep roots and I still need to learn to love more passionately and openly both to strangers and friends. For years I have realized that giving to others brings a tremendous amount of joy and blessing. Only recently have I really understood that there is a love that is even more special and deeper. And contrary to what most people believe, the highest level of giving and loving doesn't feel good. It hurts - at least for a little while. And by the way, Dianne and her sons don’t know of the sacrifice we made. I’d appreciate it if you just keep it between you and me.

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Are Your Roots Showing? When Athena and I were offered the opportunity to purchase a house in our neighborhood earlier this year, one of the reasons we decided to buy it was for a guy I’ll call George. George is a talented mechanic but lost his driver's license a few years ago because of not paying his fines. Because he didn't have a license no shop would hire him so he, at 40 years old, had to move in with his mom and do little jobs here and there, whenever he could get transportation (they live out in the country). George was getting quite depressed about his situation and Athena and I discussed that if we bought this house that needed remodeling, we could hire George to help with the work and he could sleep in the house while it was being fixed up, solving his transportation problem. He was quite excited about having full-time work after a couple of years of being unemployed. I figured that the amount of work we would hire him to do would pay off all his fines so he could get his drivers license back plus give him enough extra to buy a cheap car to get to and from work at a mechanic shop - his love and passion. I wish this story had a happy ending but it doesn't. But at least it has a lesson. He spent his money on new clothes, a television and taking his girlfriend out for expensive meals. Anything he had left after that he gave to his mom or girlfriend to show thanks for years of supporting him (which they readily accepted). At the end of the project he was as broke as when he started. He still had no driver’s license, no transportation and was back living with his mom. He is still unemployed and does the occasional handyman job even though he would love to be a full-time mechanic again. Of course there are several lessons here but the one I would like to point out is treating the symptoms instead of the cause. Had George fixed the root cause of his financial predicament (using the money to get his drivers license back and buy a car), he would have been able to get a well-paying mechanic job AND be able to give money to his mom and girlfriend. Instead, he spent his paycheck in a way that only offered temporary gratification from his years of unemployment. All relationships have problems. However, if we are not perceptive we will try to take care of evidence or symptoms of the problem (we often try to do it with money) and not address the problem itself. If the root cause remains, the symptoms will always return, causing continued frustration in the relationship. Consider the following symptoms of problems in relationships and some of their possible causes. •

Someone in the relationship is habitually over-spending - They could be depressed, have low self-esteem, misunderstand the household financial situation, be unhappy in the relationship or have other issues 72

•

The physical intimacy has greatly diminished - Could be because of hormones, lack of trust, extramarital affairs, unattractiveness (recent weight gain, lack of hygiene), overwork, addiction to pornography, etc.

•

Someone is easily irritated, prone to fight - Might be due to lack of sleep, hormonal or chemical imbalance, issues being kept inside, never learned how to deal with frustrations, is selfish or selfabsorbed, has an addiction

•

General Marital stress - It might be because you are over committed in time, watching too much television, not living within your means, having opposite viewpoints on major topics, other family members interfering, problems at work, a hidden addiction and so on

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Feeling of emptiness in relationship - Some causes could be: deep communication has disappeared, lack of a spiritual anchor for one or both of you, long-distance separation, lack of forgiveness, angry or bitter from a past hurt, too much focus on material goods, filling your mind with negative thoughts or images via books, magazines, television, music or movies, etc.

This list of problems and their potential causes is of course not comprehensive. You might have other symptoms of problems in your relationship. Now the question arises. How do you find out what root problems are causing the unhappy symptoms in your relationship? I'd like to suggest a few different ways of finding out. • • •

A qualified, pro-marriage counselor should be able to help discover some of the core problems. Good books about relationships might shed some light on the causes of your unhappiness A well-designed marriage retreat will give you some concentrated time to get away from your typical surroundings and help you focus on the real needs of the relationship.

Gardeners know that the best way to get weeds out of the yard is to pull them up by their roots. It is easy to just mow the offending weeds down but that is a temporary fix. If the roots are there, it is only a matter of time before they surface again. Find the root problems in your relationship for a permanent path towards a blissful relationship.

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A Tribute To Athena Athena will never really know how much I miss her. In fact there are thousands whose lives she touched in such a special way. Words are a poor substitute for the gaping hole she will leave in my life. I'll do poorly, but I'll try to express a few things I will miss. • • • •

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Her sweet and calming voice. The angriest person in the world could call and as soon as he heard her speak, he would lose all ability to rant. All the eskimo, butterfly, ear and forehead kisses I received at regular intervals. How she gently scratched my back when she knew I was having trouble going to sleep. Her dedication as a mother. She gave Ashton all the mommy time he desired. From one year of age she devotedly took him out on an adventure nearly every day, whether it was to story time, music time, to the museum or to the zoo to expand his world and foster his creativity. How she lovingly packed my suitcase for all my business trips because she knew I would forget something - and all the special notes and gifts she tucked into it. The vitamins that always appeared next to my glass on the breakfast table. She wanted me around for a long, long time. That she never complained when I was lazy and didn't do enough around the house and how she always thanked me when I did. For the fact that she never put me down in front of others and corrected my mistakes in the most loving ways. That she trusted my instincts and abilities to give up salaried work to start a "romance and relationships advice" business. Her unwavering support is the real secret to my success. And I'll miss all those nights on the sofa when we snuggled, drank our hot chocolate out of one big mug (with all those miniature marshmallows she put in just for me) and dreamed our dreams together.

There are hundreds more things I will miss about Athena -- when she is gone. Fortunately, I still have her with me. But I want her to know right now just how much she means to me. It's tragic that so many people give their "What I Will Miss" speeches when their sweetheart is lying in the coffin instead of when they are lying on the sofa. If you haven't told your loved ones what you will miss, now might be a good time. Perhaps you can have him or her lie down on the sofa or bed, turn off the lights and light a candle while you tell your beloved all the things you will miss. It will be a moving moment.

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