Crombie Jardine PUBLISHING LIMITED www.crombiejardine.com This edition was first published by Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2006 Copyright © 2006, Chris Pilbeam All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
ISBN 1-905102-59-3 Written by Chris Pilbeam Designed by Stewart Ferris Printed and bound in Great Britain by William Clowes Ltd, Beccles, Suffolk
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IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER This Little Book is for information and entertainment purposes only. It is a compilation of amusing ideas, not an instruction manual. Do not copy the behaviour described in here – much of it would be illegal in real life. Imagine yourself doing it and have a giggle but don’t take it any further. I’m serious. Don’t break the law. Don’t damage people’s property. Don’t cause other people distress. Don’t be mean to each other. No gouging, no biting, no kneeing in the groin – or it’s early bedtime for the lot of you. Just be nice, eh?
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CONTENTS Introduction................................7 The Revenging Samurai............9 The Tricks 1-101.......................11
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INTRODUCTION Revenge is a great word to say. Repeat after me, slowly: Revenge. Just saying it makes you feel better. We’ve all been wronged at some point. It’s unpleasant. It makes us feel angry and it makes us feel bad about ourselves. Revenge addresses both problems. It punishes the wrongdoer and makes us feel okay again. No surprise, then, that revenge has been with us since the dawn of time. You can bet that the day after man invented the wheel, his ex-girlfriend slashed the tyre. History is littered with revenge – look at Henry VIII. He didn’t mess around. Upset him and it was off with your head. A little unimaginative as far as revenge goes, but effective. He would have loved this book. Upset a pirate, on the other hand, and you’d
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find yourself walking the plank. Annoy the Romans and you’d find yourself fighting a tiger. Upset the Shogun of Japan and he’d send the Ninjas round to rearrange your furniture. Now, these ideas were all good in their day. However, they need updating for the modern world. Executing your enemy just isn’t done any more, and people tend to look badly on the idea of public floggings. Accordingly, I’ve put together 101 examples of modernised payback to add to the annals of revenge. Some are funny, some are devious, some are cruel – but at least no one loses their head. Not physically, anyway. Enjoy, and watch your back. Chris Pilbeam
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The Revenging Samurai Over the course of my research, I met an old Samurai at a bus stop who passed on to me a few ancient rules of successful revenge. I think he was fibbing about being a real Samurai, but his advice seemed sound. Here’s what he told me through a mouthful of fish and chips…
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The Revenging Samurai is honourable and fair. The Revenging Samurai never picks on the weak or the undeserving. The Revenging Samurai never uses his or her home telephone, address or credit card. The Revenging Samurai knows never to boast about revenge to other Samurai. The Revenging Samurai never leaves fingerprints or footprints. The Revenging Samurai always bides his or her time and serves up revenge cold. The Revenging Samurai never admits to having done it. So there you go. What more do you want? Some tricks? Read on then.
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THE TRICKS 11
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1 Dear Dairy We’ve all heard the tale of the girl who sewed prawns into the curtains of a cheating boyfriend. It’s a good one, but there’s no need to stop there. With the use of a medical syringe – you can buy them in travellers’ medical packs – milk can be injected into any soft furnishing. Think armchairs, sofas, cushions and mattresses. And forget the health aspects of semiskimmed; full-fat milk creates the worst smell. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting:
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2 One Drink Too Many A waiter once gave me this trade secret for getting your own back on obnoxious drunks in bars. First, insert a straw into your drink. Put your thumb over one end of the straw and lift it out of the glass – the vacuum created by your thumb will hold the water in the straw. Keeping the straw hidden in your hand at an upright angle, stroll slowly past your target, passing within a foot of him. Subtly angle the bottom of the straw towards his crotch region, then release your thumb. Abracadabra - instant wet patch. He won’t notice but everyone else will. Rotten Rating: ###)) 13
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3 Sweet Satisfaction Putting sugar in someone’s petrol tank is a revenge classic, but it will cause serious damage to the car and would probably get the person who did it prosecuted. A better alternative is to sprinkle sugar around and under the petrol cap of a target’s car, leaving the empty bag on the roof. A target will think the tank’s been sugared and sparks will fly regardless. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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4 Cold Call Chaos Next time your dinner is interrupted by a call from someone selling kitchens, try the following. After listening politely for a bit, feign sudden panic and whisper to the telemarketer that you think someone else is in your house. In whispered tones, ask them to stay on the line while you investigate. Quietly, blow up a large paper bag and keep it in your hand. You’re about to spot the ‘intruder’. “He’s got a gun,” you blubber down the phone. Beg the non-existent intruder, loudly, to put the gun away. In mid-beg, burst the paper bag to simulate a gunshot. Quietly put the phone down and finish your dinner. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting 15
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5 A Slippery Customer A thick coating of petroleum jelly is a horrible, horrible thing to find under your car door handle. tin g: #)))) Rotten Ra Ratin ting
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6 Another Slippery Customer An even worse place to find a thick coating of petroleum jelly is on a lavatory seat that you’ve just sat on. tin g: ##))) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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7 Stuck with the Bill Ever had such horrible service at a restaurant that it’s ruined the whole meal? Return at a later date with a friend and order a couple of starters. Ask for the bill before you finish eating – explain that you’re in a hurry – and pay it in cash. Once the waiter leaves you alone, superglue your dirty plates to the table – then head for the exit quickly and quietly. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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8 Bear-Faced Reek A teddy bear is a lovely gift. A teddy bear with sardines sewn inside it is a gift that keeps on giving. tin g: ##))) Rotten Ra Ratin ting
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9 Pins and Evils No one likes a pub braggart. Next time you meet one, make a boast of your own – that you can pin a glass of water to the wall using just a drawing pin. He won’t believe you, so offer to prove it. Hold a glass full of water against the wall and start to insert the pin into the wall underneath it. Then drop the pin. Ask your braggart if he’ll pick up the pin for you as you’re holding the glass in the perfect position. When he bends down, ‘accidentally’ tip the water over his head. Whoops! How clumsy of you. Rotten Ra tin g: #)))) Ratin ting
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10 Chalk It Up To Experience Just had water tipped on your head in the pub? Don’t worry – it happens to the best of us. Try betting the perpetrator a fiver that he can’t fit a pool ball in his mouth. You’ll lose your fiver – pool balls fit in the human mouth quite easily. However, it’s extremely difficult and time-consuming to get them out again. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting
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11 All Wrapped Up Stretch a sheet of Clingfilm tightly over your target’s lavatory bowl and unscrew the bathroom light bulb. The resultant carnage can be particularly bad if your target has been drinking heavily. tin g: ###)) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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12 Sick Shake Purchase a large milkshake from any wellknown burger chain. Remove the lid and place a wad of napkins flat on the top of the milkshake. With your hand firmly over the top, turn the milkshake upside down and carefully put it down on the desk of your most despised co-worker. The napkins will hold the milkshake in long enough for you to make a swift getaway and create an alibi. You’ll have about ten minutes before seepage begins to occur – and woe betide anyone who tries to pick it up. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting:
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13 The Churl Next Door Having free sex-toy catalogues delivered to your target’s address is a wasted opportunity. It’s far better to fill in the target’s name as usual and alter the street number slightly so that it turns up at a neighbour’s house. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting
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14 Sour Japes Sprinkle a good layer of powdered milk underneath the sheet on a target’s bed. As the target sweats in their sleep, the milk will dissolve, soak into the pores of their skin and eventually turn sour. Even if your target bathes thoroughly every day, the sour milk stench will hang around for the best part of a week. Rotten Ra tin g: ##### Ratin ting:
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15 Watch the Birdie Show your love of nature by sprinkling a large handful of birdseed over a target’s car. Once the birds have eaten it all and left, your target’s paintwork will be home to several hundred little white thank-you notes. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting
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16 In-Flight Squeal There’s no escape when you’re stuck next to someone unpleasant on an airplane, but there is an excellent method of mid-air revenge. When the person isn’t looking, slip some of your in-flight meal into the sick bag that every passenger is provided with. After finishing your meal, pretend to vomit violently into the bag. With the target now looking, scoop the food back out of the bag with your hand and eat it as messily as you can. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting
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17 Toe-tal Nightmare Gently smear Vaseline between a target’s toes while they’re asleep. Seriously, try it – you’ll notice that the toes start to wriggle. They’ll wriggle and wriggle and won’t stop. It’s due to a human reflex – when the toes slide against each other, the unconscious mind will concentrate on removing the cause of the slipperiness until it’s gone. Unfortunately, this wears out the part of the brain that’s supposed to be recharging at night. Your target will wake up feeling like they’ve had no sleep whatsoever. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting
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18 Clinical Retribution With modern scanners and photocopiers, it’s becoming increasingly easy for criminals to duplicate official-looking stationery. Such people usually do it for financial gain, but imagine the other possibilities… such as a person forging a letter from the local sexual health clinic stating that ‘the test results are all clear’ and posting it to one half of a married couple with the clinic’s return address clearly visible on the back of the envelope. Dreadful behaviour. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting:
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19 A Meaty Read Wafer-thin supermarket ham is so thin nowadays that a slice planted inside a target’s book will remain undetected until they turn to the exact page that it’s on. It’s a real treat for slow readers. tin g: ##))) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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20 The Fax of Strife If you know that a target is expecting an important telephone call, head for the nearest newsagent that offers fax services. Send a fax message to your target’s phone and set the fax machine to auto-redial. Your target will answer the phone to an earful of bleeps and whines and when they hang up, the fax machine will repeat the process again. And again, and again, and again. Over the course of an afternoon, this can actually make a grown man cry. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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21 Shower Shivers If you’re looking to get a housemate’s day off to a shocking start tomorrow, angle the shower head to point precisely at where their naked body will be when they turn the water on in the morning. This works especially well with power showers, which squirt powerfully straight away but take a few seconds to warm up. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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22 Unhappy Birthday to You Pull apart a musical birthday card – one of the ones that play Happy Birthday when you open them – and remove the little disc that plays the music. It’s about the size of a ten pence piece, and can easily be slipped into the pocket or bag of a target when they’re in the pub. The target won’t work out where the tinny tunes are coming from until they’ve left the pub, turned out every pocket, emptied their bag and accused the taxi driver of trying to drive them insane. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting
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23 Smear Campaign When searching for a bad smell in the home, people will eventually check underneath tables, chairs and beds. However, they’re unlikely to look upwards when doing so. This is where mayonnaise proves its worth. As well as being delicious in sandwiches, it goes bad quickly and sticks beautifully to the underside of any item of furniture. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting:
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24 Disc-graceful Conduct People who take great pride in their large CD collections get very upset when they find that every single CD has been switched to a different case. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting
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25 Udderly Revolting Full-fat milk is a horrible thing to have to remove from a car windscreen, especially when it was poured onto it the night before. tin g: ###)) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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26 Ruff Justice Once a pickpocket’s been in your coat, your stuff’s gone for good. One acquaintance, however, told me how he took out his frustration on the next thief to come along. He bought a cheap purse, paying two quid for it from a market stall. He then headed to his local park with some rubber gloves, filled the purse with the ripest, most pungent canine faeces he could find and poked a few coins into the top. Once he’d got that far, he said, the worst was over. It simply remained for him to deliver the purse to a thief by accidentally ‘dropping’ it the next time he walked through his local pickpocket hotspot – in his case, a notorious London Underground station. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting: 40
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27 A Fishy Customer A single dead trout – available from all good fishmongers – is unobtrusive enough to sit at the bottom of a target’s bag for days before being discovered. tin g: ###)) Ratin ting: Rotten Ra
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28 The Hole Truth A stale onion bagel covered with icing looks like a delicious doughnut. It doesn’t taste like one. tin g: ##))) Ratin ting: Rotten Ra
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29 Identity Crisis Remember those sew-in nametags that you used to have on your clothes as a kid? They can be bought from any shop that stocks school uniform. Order a few tags with a targeted colleague’s name and sew one into the back of a pair of large, grey Y-fronts. Wear them over your own underwear for a whole day. The next morning, arrive at work ten minutes early and drop them on the floor of the lift. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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30 A Sour Personality With the aid of a steady hand and a pair of pliers, most bottles of scent can be emptied and refilled with white vinegar to give a target that sophisticated ‘chip shop’ allure before a night on the town. tin g: ###)) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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31 Horror Story If your target is an avid reader, one way to infuriate them is to ‘kidnap’ the last few pages of their new paperback. A doubly infuriating twist is to cut out letters and words from the stolen pages and using them to spell out a ransom note that you can post a week later. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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32 Fast Food Fury If you live in a town, you’ll know how many take-away food adverts come through the letterbox on a daily basis. Pick one that looks like good value and carefully change the phone number to a target’s home number. Reduce the price on the special deals to half of what they were originally, then photocopy the flyer a few hundred times. Imagine what would happen if you posted the copies through doors in your area on a Friday or Saturday evening. Student houses – those are the ones with six rusty bikes outside – would be a good bet. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting:
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33 To Russia With Love Type ‘Russian Brides’ into any Internet search engine and you’ll find a whole host of sites dedicated to hooking beautiful Russian girls up with perfectly normal Western men. If your target is a married man, why not write a few letters to Russia on his behalf? Include his address, and it won’t be long before the replies start turning up at the marital home. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting:
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34 Cavity Protection We’ve all heard that story about the ‘friends of friends’ who upset a French bellboy and thought nothing of it until they developed their holiday snaps to find pictures of their toothbrushes inserted into the bellboy’s… you know. It never really happened, by the way – but if it had, it would have been extremely painful to achieve. If you really must mess with a target’s toothbrush, just smear the head through a mixture of wet soap and salt. It’s not quite as foul, but it guarantees tears before bedtime. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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35 It’s Snow Joke Most hairdryers have interchangeable air nozzles. Most of these nozzles are big enough to conceal a few small packages inside. If these packages consisted of baby powder wrapped very loosely in king-size cigarette papers, hilarity would doubtless ensue, especially if the hairdryer’s owner was late for work. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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36 You’re Eggscused Does your target dote on a little yapping dog such as a poodle or terrier? You might like to treat the dog to a hard-boiled egg whenever you get the opportunity. The dog will love it, but the owner won’t be keen on the violently eye-watering stench that their little pal starts releasing. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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37 Season’s Heavings An opened box of mince pies will be irresistible to a serial refrigerator raider. Give the bandit a meal to remember by carefully lifting the tops off the pies, scraping the contents out and refilling them with mustard. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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38 Collared with Lipstick If your target is a male colleague with a wife or girlfriend, try dabbing a little lipstick on the bottom of his telephone receiver. The lipstick will eventually transfer itself to his collar. He’ll have some explaining to do that evening. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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39 Claiming a Scalp A few lumps of butter concealed in a target’s woolly hat will soon begin to melt once they put the hat on. tin g: ##))) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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40 Getting the Message A long-winded but effective phone prank: call your target in the morning, and ask to leave a message for a fictional person – Roland Baxter, for example. Over the course of the day, have as many friends as possible call the target and ask to leave Roland a message. Just before you go to bed, call the target one final time. “Hi,” you say. “It’s Roland Baxter here. Are there any messages for me?” Be prepared to hear screaming. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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41 Wash Your Mouth Out Are you being taken for granted when it comes to doing the cooking at home? Get your own back by wiping unperfumed soap over the kitchen utensils next time you make dinner. It’s a fast-acting laxative. You’ll have to leave your own food on your plate, but if you want to see slobs move fast, it’ll be worth it. If you’ve been taken for granted over the household shopping as well, you might also consider hiding the loo roll. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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42 Turning Pro Many ‘ladies of the night’ make house calls. If an extremely unscrupulous person was targeting a married man, they might think to treat him to a visit just as he and his wife were settling down to a quiet evening in. tin g: ###)) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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43 Off Yer Bike A cheap bicycle lock will lock someone else’s bike just as well as it will your own. Bury the key at the bottom of a tin of cat food and leave the tin next to the bike with an explanatory note. tin g: ###)) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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44 Bring a Battle Make your target more popular by holding a Saturday night post-pub party at their address. Print up a few flyers and stick them on the walls of local pubs – then turn up to watch the fun. tin g: ###)) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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45 Oedipus Complexities Ask to borrow a male target’s mobile phone to make a quick call. While you’ve got it, switch his girlfriend’s number for his mother’s. A lot of ladies like being sweettalked, but not by their sons. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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46 A Sporting Chance Most expensive training shoes have removable insoles. As well as providing athletic support for the foot, they’re also perfect for hiding thin layers of tuna under. tin g: ###)) Ratin ting: Rotten Ra
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47 Butt of the Joke Militant anti-smokers can seriously damage your health, especially when they start opening windows and coughing deliberately in your presence. Imagine their faces if they were to receive a gift in the post – a large, plastic-lined envelope full of cigarette butts with a few squirts of vinegar added. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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48 One Splash Ahead Amateurishly balance a large bucket of water above a door, making sure that it’s obvious enough for your target to notice. Splash water onto the floor underneath the door to make it even more obvious. Then unfasten the drainage pipe from the sink that your target is most likely to empty the bucket into. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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49 Blind to the Truth Challenge a boastful colleague to prove their worth with a scientific coordination test. Place your hands a foot apart with your palms facing inwards. Instruct your colleague to place their hands in the middle with the palms together. Explain that the challenge is for them to move their hands apart and back a hundred times without touching yours. Casually mention that most people can only manage to do it thirty or so times, then blindfold your colleague. Once your colleague begins the test, quickly sneak away and inform your boss that your colleague has been acting strangely all day. Rotten Ra tin g: #)))) Ratin ting:
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50 Insect RepellenTS Summer is a wonderful season: birdsong, sunshine and lawnmowers. However, there’s always one person who insists on cranking up the lawnmower at sunrise every Sunday morning. One highly irresponsible response to this problem might be to sprinkle the lawn in question with shredded sardines on Saturday night. By the time Sunday rolled around, the grass would resemble a moving carpet of flies. Pushing a lawnmower through this would ruin anyone’s buzz. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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51 Milk and Two Shudders Here’s one for students who know the frustration of leaving milk in a communal fridge only to find it gone later. Stir half a kilo of salt into the next pint that you leave in there. People tend to buy their own milk once they’ve experienced a mouthful of hot, salty tea. Rotten Ra tin g: #)))) Ratin ting:
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52 Money Talks Obtain your target’s mobile phone number and memorise it. Write it on every five, ten and twenty pound note you own over the course of the next year. Each time, write the name of someone famous next to the number – the idea is to make it look like you’ve met this person in a club and scribbled their number down on the first thing to hand. Then spend your cash. We live in a culture obsessed with celebrities and there’s no shortage of people out there who would love to speak to a real one. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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53 Hold the Phone If your target has an office telephone, arm yourself with a tube of quick drying superglue and wait until they’re away from their desk. Lift the phone’s receiver and use two tiny dabs of glue to stick down the two square bits that spring up when the receiver is lifted. Replace the receiver and return to your own desk. When the target returns, give them a call and don’t hang up. Don’t ever hang up. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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54 Chili Con Carnage As any Indian chef knows, chilli paste causes a burning sensation when accidentally transferred from the hands to more sensitive parts of the body. You might like to apply a dab to the handle of a target’s bathroom door. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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55 The Powder Clouder 45rpm record sleeves can be partially slid under locked doors, even when filled with baby powder. Should a person jump on the sleeve when it’s in this position, the room on the other side will smell baby-fresh and be covered in a fine white sheen for the next week. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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56 Melted Hearts Everyone loves to receive a box of chocolates. Turn happy surprise into confused disappointment by placing the box in the oven for ten minutes before you send it. tin g: ##))) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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57 Applying Yourself Many people use their company’s facilities to apply for other jobs, but few are stupid enough to leave application letters in the office printer. Type out a covering letter for a job application to your company’s biggest rival, ensuring that you boast about the inside knowledge you’ll bring with you, then add a swipe or two at your current boss’s incompetence. Attach your target’s name to the end of the letter and slip it into the printer tray for someone else to find. Rotten Ra tin g: ##### Ratin ting:
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58 Innocence Isn’t Bliss Obtain a plastic security tag from a clothing shop and dismantle it, taking care not to get the indelible red dye on your clothes. You will find a small strip of silver foil – this is what activates the alarm sensors when an item is removed from the store. Hide the foil in the lining of your target’s favourite bag or jacket. The sound of store alarms going off will soon become a familiar thing to them. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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59 Unsanitary Conditions Question: When is hair conditioner not hair conditioner? Answer: When the bottle’s been filled with cod liver oil. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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60 Saucy Comedy Tabasco sauce has its place, but you can always find it another one. For example, the fiery liquid goes very well on the gusset of a target’s underwear. The phrase ‘quick to drop their pants’ will never have seemed so apt. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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61 Tea and a Cigarette (sort of) Go the extra mile with people who keep shirking their turn to make the tea – brew up a nicotine patch with every teabag. They’ll soon go off tea altogether. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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62 Anti-Social Smoker Fed up with strangers asking you for cigarettes every day? Discourage them by offering cigarettes filled with a mixture of tobacco and hair. One luxurious drag is enough to turn even the most hardened smoker pale. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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63 Customer Dissatisfaction Been treated badly by the landlord of your local? Here’s how to make him really sick: just mock up a couple of cardboard ‘closed due to illness’ signs and stick them at the entrance of his car park early next Saturday evening. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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64 Getting an Earful Although it might keep your face wrinklefree, moisturising cream has no purpose inside the human ear. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t apply a large dollop to a target’s telephone receiver and give them a call. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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65 Plucking Hell There is only one way to remove a waxing strip, regardless of whether it’s been attached to your target’s legs, chest or eyebrows. tin g: ###)) Ratin ting: Rotten Ra
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66 Your Papers Are Not In Order One acquaintance got in something of a pickle at a British airport when he opened his passport and a torn-up pack of kingsized ‘cigarette’ papers fell out. They had been planted there by a soon-to-be-exhousemate as revenge for an earlier practical joke. My acquaintance didn’t see the funny side after being searched so thoroughly that he missed his flight to the USA. Definitely not one to try at home. Rotten Ra tin g: ##### Ratin ting:
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67 That Crime of the Month Tampons expand in water very quickly. Take fifteen of them and tie them together in a bunch, then flush your target’s lavatory and quickly throw your creation in. Your target will get some funny looks when the plumber turns up to deal with the blockage. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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68 Litter Bugged Everyone loves kittens, so place a local newspaper advert offering them free to good homes from your target’s address. To attract a different class of animal lover, change ‘kittens’ to ‘pit bull puppies’. tin g: ###)) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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69 A Taxing Problem Imagine if someone, posing as your target, set up an appointment with the Inland Revenue, explaining that they’d forgotten to declare extra earnings from last year. Someone at the Inland Revenue would probably start wondering why the appointment wasn’t kept. But surely no one deserves this? Rotten Ra tin g: ##### Ratin ting:
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70 Attain Innard Peace There’s a correct place to keep chicken livers and it’s not in the soil of a target’s potted plants. They’ll soon start to smell awful, especially if regularly watered. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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71 Suds Law Town councils are tough targets to get your own back on – they have money, experience and the weight of the law behind them. On an unrelated note, many councils also have some sort of fountain in front of their offices. Turning one of these into a bubble bath would be a nasty blow to civic pride, and could be achieved with a couple of 5-litre bottles of washing-up liquid, available from any catering supplier. Don’t do it though – it’s vandalism. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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72 Small Mercies It’s creative, but the act of leaving a pair of fouled underpants in a target’s desk drawer, driveway or bag is disgusting, dangerous and unnecessary. If you’re that way inclined, smearing the pants with copious quantities of melted chocolate or yeast extract works just as well. After all, no one’s going to sniff the things for verification. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting:
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73 Garbage Dispersal Unit Vegans need not read this method of getting back at a neighbour, I’m afraid. It involves eating lots of tuna. Specifically, it involves tuna chunks in oil – not salt water. If large quantities of the oil are poured over and inside a dustbin, animals – dogs, cats, even foxes – will turn up in the night and go berserk trying to get into it. The contents of the bin will normally be strewn across the surrounding area in the process. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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74 Safe Sex Shocker Slip a single condom into a married target’s back pocket. It’s amazing how something so small can cause so much trouble. tin g: ####) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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75 Junk Wail Many newsagents allow adverts to be placed in their windows for a small fee. Place one from your target offering £10 each for all broken household appliances: washing machines, fridges, televisions and anything else that can be ‘used for parts’. Instruct people to deliver the machines to the front garden before knocking on the door for payment. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting:
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76 An Inspector Doesn’t Call Has a visit to a restaurant left you with a bad stomach? It’s highly illegal to pose as a government official, so you must not, under any circumstances, call the restaurant – pretending to be from the Department of Health – and announce that there will be a kitchen inspection the next day. It could get you in serious trouble, and could also cause the restaurant staff to spend the whole day scrubbing up their salmonella-infested cesspit of a kitchen. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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77 Feline Agitated A dead fish, hung from the end of a tree branch in a target’s garden at night, will attract every cat in the vicinity. You might think that cats are at their noisiest when they want to be let indoors, but they’re not – they’re at their noisiest when fighting over a dead fish that’s out of reach. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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78 The Technicolour Screamcoat Wax crayons, with the wrappings removed, are awful things to hide in a tumble drier. Rotten Ra tin g: ####) Ratin ting:
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79 Seeds of Discord Packets of fast-growing and unruly meadow flower seeds are available from many garden centres. Any well-manicured lawn can be given that fashionably unkempt look with the aid of a few packets’ worth of seed casually tossed over a fence. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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80 Rasher’s Revenge Raw bacon, tightly taped underneath a car seat, is very difficult to find – even when the stench of decaying pig is causing the owner to tear the car apart in frustration. tin g: ###)) Ratin ting Rotten Ra
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81 Man’s Worst Friend Dogs are territorial and mark their patch by spraying urine. If, theoretically, someone were to place a swab of another dog’s urine on the inside of a dog-owning target’s letterbox, the target’s dog would be compelled to reassert its authority – on every wall in the target’s house. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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82 Smooth as Slick Is your target overly proud of their long, silky hair? Long hair takes years to grow but only a minute to foul with a few dollops of petroleum jelly smeared into the bristles of an unguarded hairbrush. You might also enjoy offering to lend your target a hat for the week it will take them to wash the stuff out. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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83 A Write Old Mess Spend a week at work surreptitiously supergluing the lids onto a target’s pens. After a week of watching them go spare when attempting to write down information, up the ante by supergluing their pens to the desk surface itself, supergluing their desk drawer shut, and supergluing their chair to the floor. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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84 Flushed with Anger Empty two large bottles of washing-up liquid into your target’s lavatory cistern. Even the most bubbly of personalities will have a hard time with the resultant tidal wave of foam. tin g: ##))) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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85 Revenge Served Second-Hand We all like a bargain, and many of us enjoy rooting around in garage sales. Get your target involved – advertise a garage sale at his or her place next Sunday. Start time: the crack of dawn. You never know – they might make some cash from it. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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86 Strained Relations We all know about putting laxatives in a cup of tea, but has anyone ever considered using a couple of anti-diarrhoea pills instead? The effect wouldn’t be instant, but it would certainly be long lasting. tin g: ###)) Rotten Ra Ratin ting:
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87 Captive Audience Here’s an elaborate one for when the workplace comedian starts getting on your nerves. If your workplace has its own stereo with remote control, load it with a cassette of pre-recorded canned laughter from a TV sitcom and conceal the remote control in your pocket. Each time your target lets fly with a witty quip, hit the play button from a distance to release a stream of canned laughter, then switch quickly back to the regular music. Because no one really uses cassettes any more, it can take quite a while for the target to realise what’s going on. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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88 Skeleton in the Closet Help a married target empathise with victims of intolerance by placing a suggestive advert in the Gay and Lesbian section of the local paper’s contact adverts. Something along the lines of ‘closeted married guy seeking friendship AND MAYBE MORE!!!!’ is always good. Contact ads normally operate on a postbox system in which replies are collected by staff and sent to the advertiser’s address in bulk. When this bundle turns up in front of the target’s spouse, it’ll be intolerance all round. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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89 Lock Picking The automobile industry spends millions of pounds a year on developing vehicle security. Alarms, immobilisers, infra-red sensors – you name it; they’ve thought of it. What they seem to have overlooked is that the simplest way of preventing somebody getting into a car is to jam a toothpick into the lock and snap the end off inside. Or perhaps I’ve misunderstood the issue. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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90 What a Pa-Larva Specialist fishing shops have a funny smell to them – it’s the smell of the maggots that they sell to anglers by the pint. These maggots stay wriggling for four or five days, after which they turn into ‘casters’ or chrysalises – unmoving shells from which flies will emerge. They remain in this state for three or four days – plenty of time for a less scrupulous person than yourself to pour them into a box, leave it for a couple of days, and mail it to a target. There’s nothing quite as horrific as opening a box of flies – it’s a mistake that many forgetful anglers have made once and once only. Rotten Ra tin g: ##### Ratin ting:
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91 Clothwork Orange Cleaning a fridge is a horrible job, and here’s how to make it even worse. Using white correction fluid, paint a drawing pin so that it blends in with the white of a fridge interior. Superglue the pin, point-upwards, onto the shelf of your target’s fridge. Once the glue has dried, place a full carton of orange juice onto the pin and prick a tiny hole in the top of the carton. You now have the world’s slowest landmine. When the carton is lifted off the pin, the juice will start to leak very slowly and will eventually flood the fridge. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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92 The Loch Mess Monster Do misbehaving, noisy kids ever make your local swimming pool unbearable? Next time it happens, head for the snack machines in the foyer. There are two brands of chocolate bar that, when unwrapped and dropped into a warm swimming pool, make a very convincing human stool. Legally, we can’t name the brands, but look for the chunky ones containing peanuts and you can’t go wrong. Return to the shallow end of the pool, slip your present in and beat a hasty retreat before the inevitable screaming begins. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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93 Sneak, Rattle and Roll Unscrew the panel on the inside of your target’s car door and drop a couple of marbles into the cavity. They’ll start rattling as soon as the car moves and won’t stop until they’ve been found, which can involve a lengthy search and a great deal of swearing. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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94 Supermarket Weep Been cut up at the supermarket checkout by someone with a trolley full of goods? Don’t stand around – use your new-found time to jog back to the pharmaceuticals section and grab a pack of extra-strong condoms. Drop them into your target’s shopping on the conveyor belt – they’ll be at the other end putting their food into bags. Move to another queue and watch the scene unfold. A very illegal variation of this trick is to score another stripe down the barcode with your thumbnail and to make the numbers above the code illegible. When the barcode won’t scan and the number can’t be manually entered into the till, the cashier will hold the condoms in the air and shout for help from their supervisor. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting: 114
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95 Coffee Strop Fed up with everyone in your office? It’s not unheard of. While you’re working out how to get them all individually, switch the contents of the decaffeinated and regular coffee jars. You can make your plans undisturbed while the caffeine addicts slide into bleary-eyed sluggishness and the decaf brigade tremble themselves to bits. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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96 Witness Intimidation Plagued by Jehovah’s Witnesses on your Sunday mornings? They don’t tend to hang around for long when you come to the door naked and holding a tub of petroleum jelly. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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97 Locked and Livid Most house keys look pretty similar. If you have access to a target’s key ring, swapping the keys for some old ones of your own can cause something of a spectacle for the target’s neighbours. There will be a good fifteen minutes of frustrated cursing before the target realises what’s happened, especially if you’ve made the switch on a boozy night in the pub. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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98 One Swearful Owner It only costs a few quid to advertise a car for sale in a local advertising paper and most publications don’t bother to doublecheck who’s placing the advert. Why not advertise your target’s brand new vehicle for just two grand in cash? Include the target’s home and mobile phone numbers and they might even end up selling the car just to stop the calls. Rotten Ra tin g: ###)) Ratin ting:
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99 A Rewarding Experience Pick up a few academic-looking books from your local charity shop. Write your target’s name, phone number and address in the jacket along with a note explaining that the book is needed for a college dissertation and that if lost, the princely sum of £20 will be paid for its speedy return. Leave them in launderettes, pubs and on buses. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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100 The Landslide of Laziness Messy housemates often need to be made aware of the extent of their messiness. Construct a large sheet out of strong card and fasten it over the frame of the housemate’s bedroom door while they’re inside. Leave a gap at the top and you’ll have a chamber between the sheet and the door into which all of their mess can be piled – clothes, dirty plates, rubbish, ashtrays – you name it. You could even throw in some of your own mess for good measure. When your housemate opens the door – assuming it does open inwards – they’ll find themselves in the path of a grim but well-deserved rubbish avalanche. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting: 120
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101 No Revenge is Good Revenge Finally, it is possible to take revenge on a target without taking revenge at all. Simply let it be known that you’re planning something in the next week. You don’t have to do anything else. Paranoia will usually do the job for you. Of course, once the week is up, you’re free to start planning again. Rotten Ra tin g: ##))) Ratin ting:
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THE END MIND HOW YOU GO, NOW!
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By the same author:
ISBN 1-905102-23-2, £2.99
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By the same author:
ISBN 1-905102-38-0, £2.99
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By a completely different author:
ISBN 1-905102-03-8, £2.99
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By the same completely different author:
ISBN 1-905102-17-8, £2.99
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If you’ve enjoyed this book and would like to suggest other titles, please email
[email protected].
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All Crombie Jardine books are available from High Street bookshops, Amazon or Bookpost (P.O. Box 29, Douglas, Isle of Man, IM99 1BQ. Tel: 01624 677237, Fax: 01624 670923, Email:
[email protected]. Postage and packing free within the UK).
www.crombiejardine.com
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